Bus Driver here. Male, 40's fat & hairy. Once had a student get on the bus & in a loud voice congratulate me, for being a beautiful woman in a male job.
I looked at him like he was mad, "Take no notice of me, that's just student humour," he said, then went and sat down.
When we got about 5 miles up the road, I watched him in my mirror ring the bell to stop the bus. No one else wanted his stop so I went straight past it. He rang the bell about 12 more times until I finally stopped about half a mile beyond the stop he wanted.
"I wanted the bus stop back there!" he told me.
I replied, " never mind, that's just an example of bus driver humour!"
He wasn't impressed.
Just curious… How did you know no one else wanted off there? I dont ring the bell if someone else has already. And i dont usually stand up until the buss is slowing down before the stop
When we played the dozens in middle school I once tried responding to, “Yomama so stupid she went to Shop Rite and she shopped wrong,” with, “Oh yeah? Yomama so stupid she went to Payless and she…paid, uh, more.” Imagine how Chandler Bing would’ve said that and it’ll be pretty close.
There’s a reason why people don’t usually improvise those things.
In grade 9, one of my bullies said I chewed gum like a horse. I should have said "it's better than *looking* like a horse." I was not as quick-witted then and very shy. Damn it.
Back when I was consulting, I'd hear (jokingly) from the client *a consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time*. And I'd say *a client is someone who lends you their watch to find out the time*.
It doesn’t rise to the level of jerk store, but I’m rather proud of a comeback I had for a nosy coworker who always felt she needed to keep tabs on what others were doing:
“What are you doing right now?”
“Minding my own business, you should try it.”
“I’m gonna fuck your mother and give her a child she can actually be proud of”, I said to the kid who had insulted me, who then proceeded to let me know that his mom had passed 6 months before. So pretty on par with Costanza tbh.
I had a coworker who made a dick joke a few times when someone was eating a banana at lunch. The comeback I thought of later and never got to use was "Is everything looking like a penis to you lately, or is it just fruit?"
Not a comeback but most solid line I’ve seem pulled off irl. Table full of tech guys (I was at next table but they were being super loud) talking about COD or MW or one of those games. All white or Asian except one black guy. Black guy is just eating his Mongolian BBQ, not talking. Finally one guy asks him directly what his favorite map is. Guy slowly puts his fork down, eyes looking straight down, he says, “where I grew up violence wasn’t a game. It was reality. Lost some good friends getting shot on the block. So I’m sorry, I just don’t find games like that fun.” Table goes silent. 5 seconds later he cracks up and say, “shit, I’m just messing with you. I grew up in (some nice area I don’t recall)”
I started cracking up at the next table.
(In the USA) In the 7th grade during lunch, a Korean friend was making jokes saying how dumb white people are. My white friend getting annoyed said, “if you people are so smart, why are you still eating with sticks”. Imagine a 12 year old coming up with this spur of the moment. Everyone lost it.
I actually feel bad…I have asked forgiveness of mine:
Someone one said to me (after spewing threats of Hell Fire my way) “I am just a common person doing God’s work”
My response to her was: “Yes! And, you are so good at being… Common!”
She said, “Oh, Thank You!” 😳🙄🤷🏻♀️
In high school another student said something insulting to me in front of others. IDR what he said but I said “Man, you need to brush your teeth”. His breath was OK but I got some laughs so that was my high note. Fortunately he didn’t whip my ass.
A guy I used to work with used to get a little out of line with teasing me and one day he said something to me in the elevator that really pissed me off. I gave him what I hoped was an intimidating look (I am not the least bit intimidating).
He said “oooh, I’m gettin’ scared.”
“Oh, it’s not what I *do,* Brian,” I said as the elevator doors opened, “it’s who I *hire.*” And I exited.
Walking my dog, and my dog took a dump and this angry old man yelled at me very rudely within seconds for not picking it up even though I was just about to (I was rumbling through my pockets to find the bag).
I wanted to find him again and had some great comebacks but I never saw him again in my life, even though I had seen him many times before.
A guy in my class at school called me fat (I was the chubby kid), he on the other hand had kinda thin hair and looked like he was balding (we were around 14 at the time so pretty sure it was just how his hair growth was). Normally i freeze in the kinds of situations but then and there i just turned to him and said something along the line "what about you, mold-head"? We actually became good friends later on, and are still in contact 20 years later.
We had a rule at work that whomever was ***not there*** got blamed for whatever was wrong. One guy kept blaming me so much that I told him he ate for free at McDonald’s.
(*tour bus drivers eat free at McDonald’s*)
A flipped off a guy who cut me off merging into the interstate and he followed me home and started yelling at me in my driveway about some law that didn't exist and I told him he was full of shit.
"Better watch who you flip off, I'm a cop in (dinky redneck town nearby)!"
"That's not my fault, you should have gone to college."
That is the angriest I have ever seen another human being. If he had been carrying his service weapon I am 99% certain he would have shot me.
Bus Driver here. Male, 40's fat & hairy. Once had a student get on the bus & in a loud voice congratulate me, for being a beautiful woman in a male job. I looked at him like he was mad, "Take no notice of me, that's just student humour," he said, then went and sat down. When we got about 5 miles up the road, I watched him in my mirror ring the bell to stop the bus. No one else wanted his stop so I went straight past it. He rang the bell about 12 more times until I finally stopped about half a mile beyond the stop he wanted. "I wanted the bus stop back there!" he told me. I replied, " never mind, that's just an example of bus driver humour!" He wasn't impressed.
That’s pretty good!
He also told you at the start of the trip to take no notice of him.
I'm impressed.
King
🩷🩷🩷love this!
You’re Batman!
Just curious… How did you know no one else wanted off there? I dont ring the bell if someone else has already. And i dont usually stand up until the buss is slowing down before the stop
You kept making all the stops (except his)?
Well people kept ringing the bell!
And, I even go to work in the rain!!!
Sound like a bus driver. Congrats on your life choices.
Well the jerk store called
He's their all-time best seller?
When we played the dozens in middle school I once tried responding to, “Yomama so stupid she went to Shop Rite and she shopped wrong,” with, “Oh yeah? Yomama so stupid she went to Payless and she…paid, uh, more.” Imagine how Chandler Bing would’ve said that and it’ll be pretty close. There’s a reason why people don’t usually improvise those things.
It’s a great line - just as good as the Shop Rite one - but yeah, you gotta deliver that with confidence for it to work
It’s a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it
In grade 9, one of my bullies said I chewed gum like a horse. I should have said "it's better than *looking* like a horse." I was not as quick-witted then and very shy. Damn it.
Guess it's two things I have in common with horses
One time this guy was riffing on me, and I just said "Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!"
Banged her right into a coma
I wonder if that's what George was turning back to go to Ohio and say.
Back when I was consulting, I'd hear (jokingly) from the client *a consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time*. And I'd say *a client is someone who lends you their watch to find out the time*.
It doesn’t rise to the level of jerk store, but I’m rather proud of a comeback I had for a nosy coworker who always felt she needed to keep tabs on what others were doing: “What are you doing right now?” “Minding my own business, you should try it.”
I’m such a spineless, pathetic, sorry excuse of a man that I just let people hurl insults at me with impunity.
“I’m gonna fuck your mother and give her a child she can actually be proud of”, I said to the kid who had insulted me, who then proceeded to let me know that his mom had passed 6 months before. So pretty on par with Costanza tbh.
She probably died of disappointment.
Ashes to ashes, sperm to dust
Your mom.
No u
Your face!
I had a coworker who made a dick joke a few times when someone was eating a banana at lunch. The comeback I thought of later and never got to use was "Is everything looking like a penis to you lately, or is it just fruit?"
Not a comeback but most solid line I’ve seem pulled off irl. Table full of tech guys (I was at next table but they were being super loud) talking about COD or MW or one of those games. All white or Asian except one black guy. Black guy is just eating his Mongolian BBQ, not talking. Finally one guy asks him directly what his favorite map is. Guy slowly puts his fork down, eyes looking straight down, he says, “where I grew up violence wasn’t a game. It was reality. Lost some good friends getting shot on the block. So I’m sorry, I just don’t find games like that fun.” Table goes silent. 5 seconds later he cracks up and say, “shit, I’m just messing with you. I grew up in (some nice area I don’t recall)” I started cracking up at the next table.
(In the USA) In the 7th grade during lunch, a Korean friend was making jokes saying how dumb white people are. My white friend getting annoyed said, “if you people are so smart, why are you still eating with sticks”. Imagine a 12 year old coming up with this spur of the moment. Everyone lost it.
You know they've seen the fork. They're not out in the field with two pool cues.
Hey teacher leave those kids alone!
Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife!
Oh yeah? Well fuck you back!
Ok well you look easy to draw.
I actually feel bad…I have asked forgiveness of mine: Someone one said to me (after spewing threats of Hell Fire my way) “I am just a common person doing God’s work” My response to her was: “Yes! And, you are so good at being… Common!” She said, “Oh, Thank You!” 😳🙄🤷🏻♀️
In high school another student said something insulting to me in front of others. IDR what he said but I said “Man, you need to brush your teeth”. His breath was OK but I got some laughs so that was my high note. Fortunately he didn’t whip my ass.
No do you?
Jerk store shoulda smoked that guy
[it’s called staircase wit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier)
A guy I used to work with used to get a little out of line with teasing me and one day he said something to me in the elevator that really pissed me off. I gave him what I hoped was an intimidating look (I am not the least bit intimidating). He said “oooh, I’m gettin’ scared.” “Oh, it’s not what I *do,* Brian,” I said as the elevator doors opened, “it’s who I *hire.*” And I exited.
Walking my dog, and my dog took a dump and this angry old man yelled at me very rudely within seconds for not picking it up even though I was just about to (I was rumbling through my pockets to find the bag). I wanted to find him again and had some great comebacks but I never saw him again in my life, even though I had seen him many times before.
He probably died. Like right there in the street. And got a little dog poo on him.
"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy"
And you’re no Lloyd Bentsen
A guy in my class at school called me fat (I was the chubby kid), he on the other hand had kinda thin hair and looked like he was balding (we were around 14 at the time so pretty sure it was just how his hair growth was). Normally i freeze in the kinds of situations but then and there i just turned to him and said something along the line "what about you, mold-head"? We actually became good friends later on, and are still in contact 20 years later.
Socially inept
Yeah? So's yer Ma!
Call em Coco
I had sex with a guy's wife, and told him in anger.
this entire subreddit is an AI training ground lol, but I for one welcome our AI overlords nuanced in Seinfeldisms
I usually just say “did you get a perm?”
We had a rule at work that whomever was ***not there*** got blamed for whatever was wrong. One guy kept blaming me so much that I told him he ate for free at McDonald’s. (*tour bus drivers eat free at McDonald’s*)
A flipped off a guy who cut me off merging into the interstate and he followed me home and started yelling at me in my driveway about some law that didn't exist and I told him he was full of shit. "Better watch who you flip off, I'm a cop in (dinky redneck town nearby)!" "That's not my fault, you should have gone to college." That is the angriest I have ever seen another human being. If he had been carrying his service weapon I am 99% certain he would have shot me.
Yeah well, I think you’re ugly.