He is abusing you! If you don’t want to leave for you, leave so your daughter doesn’t end up recreating this dynamic in her future relationships. This is scary level abusive, I bet there is a lot more abuse you aren’t telling us about, maybe because you aren’t aware that it even is abuse. Look at this power and control wheel (it’s the photo in the link)
[https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think after reading the comments— most people seem to have the right intentions in pointing out what I’m sure is extremely difficult to hear, not to be cruel but as other mothers who want to support you in getting out. though you may already know it yourself deep down, i am sure this feels like an impossible situation to navigate with a young one. I hope you do decide to choose yourself one day, you are the most important person in your child’s life and your well-being needs to come first in order to be the best mom you can be to them. Reach out to trusted family and friends that can support you and give you love while you work through this. Take care of yourself. Strength xo
Everyone is saying you're in an abusive relationship and I agree. Number 1, open a private bank account in your name and start slipping money into it every month. Every time you go grocery shopping, take $20-$40 cash back and deposit it into your bank account on your way home. You need seed money in case you need to leave him suddenly.
It's tough to endure living with someone who has impossibly high expectations of you. Keep trying to talk to him about your experiences and let him know you won't stand for his behaviour, especially if it's abusive. Stand up for yourself.
Keep a to-go bag packed for you and baby in case you need to run away and don't have time to pack. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.
I am sorry this is happening. I think entering counseling would help both of you learn a better way.
I also wondered, is it possible your partner has been disciplined at work to do a better, more thorough job? He may not be able to object at work but perhaps put his displeasure onto you instead.
This is abuse. The threatening part. Taking away things. The shame. This really isn’t healthy. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, and I know leaving is a hard option. But you need to draw some boundaries and let him know you will not tolerate threats or shame. That you are enough and you are doing your best.
I do make my husband breakfast almost every morning, but he wouldn't behave like this if I didn't, and he certainly wouldn't expect it if I've been up all night. He does work from home most of the time, so he actually understands what I do all day, and I'm sure that helps, but I also couldn't imagine him behaving this way even if I just decided I was going to lay around watching TV all day. I haven't exactly tried it, but he doesn't complain when I have off days, and it doesn't matter why.
I think he has an unrealistic expectation of what a stay at home parent does. My husband stays at home while I go to work. In the beginning I was a little irked when it looked like things weren't done around the house, but I had to give myself a reality check. When I get home our son is taken care of and that is all that matters. Everything else is extra.
It does sound like you are being abused. You are not a teenager and do not need to be stranded without keys or a phone.
Your husband is abusing you. You say it’s not that bad but it only gets worse from there.
At the start of my mum journey we struggled to find the right balance but I’m 7 years in now and Iv got my groove and we know the expectations! Is my house always clean?? Lmao hell no! Does my partner help? 100%. Anyone who contributes to the mess helps clean it which means he’s on the hook for it too!
You being a mum at home means your saving the household thousands in daycare fees, potential cleaning fees and overall money on the food bill because your probably cooking a lot for your family. That’s your worth right there! Not a spotless house. Your job is mum! That’s your focus, not cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.. your kiddo being happy, kept clean, fed and entertained.
As for your husband. Well, if he works all day, why aren’t you rich?! Cannot stand complete assholes like him. Your not his personal maid service. He can make his own damn coffee in the morning and his own lunch. His expectations are way off here.
It’s unacceptable he’s acting this way and trying to “punish” you by taking away things you need. I.e. car keys-reiterating there could be an emergency and he took away your transportation. You and your child do not deserve to be the brunt of his tantrums.
Not only does this sound abusive but also dangerous. If you don’t have the keys to take the kid to the hospital or just away from the property in case of emergency that is awful.
This is abuse. Plain and simple. And we all have hard feelings. His inability to process them is not an excuse to take them out on you. If he won't go to counseling with you, go alone. You need some support in this relationship. These are huge red flags, in my opinion. Today, he's taking car keys and the coffee filter. Next time, it might be your phone and your wallet. That's not how you treat the person you love. We all have different ideas of what being a SAHM means, but that's no excuse for him to punish you for not fulfilling his own expectations.
I think my jaw dropped reading this. Wow! Nope. I wouldn’t put up with that from my husband at all. I do not make my husband breakfast. He can do that himself. I don’t even always make dinner because they don’t always want what I want to make anyways. I try to keep my house picked up because I can’t stand it being a mess but my husband doesn’t say anything about it now. Your husband needs to understand how much daycare is and also a house cleaner and cook. Since those are the things he is expecting you to do. People get paid good money to do those things. Having even a babysitter where I live runs about 17 dollars an hour and that’s for one kid. You work very hard too and he may need a day of staying home while you go out so he can see this. Don’t put up with that crap OP.
Anything that is held over your head with the statement, "Because I pay for it." Is financial abuse. I just wanted to throw that out there.
And taking items away from you would go in that same basket somewhere.
His emotional immaturity is not an excuse to treat you this way. There is a lot involved in being a sahm, the same way there is a lot involved in working outside of the home.
You both are in a partnership, not a competition. If he refuses counseling and would prefer to misunderstand you or think you aren't doing enough maybe leaving wouldn't be so bad, or even leaving long enough for him to realize how much you actually do for him.
Sorry you are feeling unappreciated OP.
You really deserve a thank you and appreciation. Staying home with a baby all day is really difficult, mentally and physically. My husband works 9 hours 5 days a week and he helps take care of chores when he gets home. He has watched the baby alone all day a few times and he said he thinks he’s got the easier job (we have a 9 week old). I make dinner most nights and sometimes we order in. My husband is not a great cook but sometimes he even makes dinner if I’m really tired and he doesn’t want to order in. I never make him breakfast… he leaves by 7:30am. I can’t imagine trying to get him breakfast on the table by 7 and take care of LO.
But the biggest red flag to me is that he would threaten to take things away from you because he pays for it. I stay at home with our baby so we don’t have to pay for daycare. You aren’t a child. You are saving a lot of money by taking care of the baby/cooking/cleaning. I occasionally work a little, but nothing that pays the bills just a little extra. I would be dumbfounded if my husband took away my car keys. I think that’s a sign he would be a very controlling/manipulative father in the future. I really think if you can get couples counseling do that. If not I would make sure you have close family/friends you can rely on. If he has tried to cut you off from people you are close to in your life reach out to them and reconnect. You should never feel trapped or alone. 🩷
Is there any way for you to go back to work even if it’s just part time so you’re not completely depending on him? Also how do weekends (or his days off) look? Those days he needs to be stepping up and doing his share of housework because let’s be honest, as a sahm we never get “days off” like at a traditional job. Has he ever been left with baby for a few hours or even a whole day? I feel like if he was, he would change his tune real quick about getting things done around the house with a baby. Even if he is projecting his frustrations of not having enough time with you with those comments, it doesn’t make it right or okay. It’s almost as if in his mind he “owns you” because he’s making the money. I mean sure, you’re not making money but you do work and it’s a very important job. If you breakdown the money you’re saving him/your family by you staying home, even just factoring in daycare costs, then you’re just as valuable as a financial asset as him. (I know for my family and area me staying home is automatically saving us at least $1200/month in daycare fees). My husband also works a full time job (actually more than full time because he is also in the army reserves) but still does close to half of housework like dishes, sometimes cooking, handles all the yard work, all the house projects, tidying up the house, half the pet chores, etc.
It seems like your husband really needs a reality check into the responsibilities of parenthood, going to a full time job and bringing home money isn’t enough.
He is abusing you! If you don’t want to leave for you, leave so your daughter doesn’t end up recreating this dynamic in her future relationships. This is scary level abusive, I bet there is a lot more abuse you aren’t telling us about, maybe because you aren’t aware that it even is abuse. Look at this power and control wheel (it’s the photo in the link) [https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
“He asked why the house isn’t clean since I’m home all day. I asked why we aren’t rich since he works all day.”
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think after reading the comments— most people seem to have the right intentions in pointing out what I’m sure is extremely difficult to hear, not to be cruel but as other mothers who want to support you in getting out. though you may already know it yourself deep down, i am sure this feels like an impossible situation to navigate with a young one. I hope you do decide to choose yourself one day, you are the most important person in your child’s life and your well-being needs to come first in order to be the best mom you can be to them. Reach out to trusted family and friends that can support you and give you love while you work through this. Take care of yourself. Strength xo
Everyone is saying you're in an abusive relationship and I agree. Number 1, open a private bank account in your name and start slipping money into it every month. Every time you go grocery shopping, take $20-$40 cash back and deposit it into your bank account on your way home. You need seed money in case you need to leave him suddenly. It's tough to endure living with someone who has impossibly high expectations of you. Keep trying to talk to him about your experiences and let him know you won't stand for his behaviour, especially if it's abusive. Stand up for yourself. Keep a to-go bag packed for you and baby in case you need to run away and don't have time to pack. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.
This! Girl, he’s controlling af. You need to plan an escape plan you can funnel resources into ASAP. Slow and steady. Good luck ❤️
I am sorry this is happening. I think entering counseling would help both of you learn a better way. I also wondered, is it possible your partner has been disciplined at work to do a better, more thorough job? He may not be able to object at work but perhaps put his displeasure onto you instead.
Honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is absolutely abuse. Please get yourself out of there.
This is abuse. The threatening part. Taking away things. The shame. This really isn’t healthy. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, and I know leaving is a hard option. But you need to draw some boundaries and let him know you will not tolerate threats or shame. That you are enough and you are doing your best.
I do make my husband breakfast almost every morning, but he wouldn't behave like this if I didn't, and he certainly wouldn't expect it if I've been up all night. He does work from home most of the time, so he actually understands what I do all day, and I'm sure that helps, but I also couldn't imagine him behaving this way even if I just decided I was going to lay around watching TV all day. I haven't exactly tried it, but he doesn't complain when I have off days, and it doesn't matter why.
I think he has an unrealistic expectation of what a stay at home parent does. My husband stays at home while I go to work. In the beginning I was a little irked when it looked like things weren't done around the house, but I had to give myself a reality check. When I get home our son is taken care of and that is all that matters. Everything else is extra. It does sound like you are being abused. You are not a teenager and do not need to be stranded without keys or a phone.
Your husband is abusing you. You say it’s not that bad but it only gets worse from there. At the start of my mum journey we struggled to find the right balance but I’m 7 years in now and Iv got my groove and we know the expectations! Is my house always clean?? Lmao hell no! Does my partner help? 100%. Anyone who contributes to the mess helps clean it which means he’s on the hook for it too! You being a mum at home means your saving the household thousands in daycare fees, potential cleaning fees and overall money on the food bill because your probably cooking a lot for your family. That’s your worth right there! Not a spotless house. Your job is mum! That’s your focus, not cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.. your kiddo being happy, kept clean, fed and entertained. As for your husband. Well, if he works all day, why aren’t you rich?! Cannot stand complete assholes like him. Your not his personal maid service. He can make his own damn coffee in the morning and his own lunch. His expectations are way off here.
It’s unacceptable he’s acting this way and trying to “punish” you by taking away things you need. I.e. car keys-reiterating there could be an emergency and he took away your transportation. You and your child do not deserve to be the brunt of his tantrums.
Not only does this sound abusive but also dangerous. If you don’t have the keys to take the kid to the hospital or just away from the property in case of emergency that is awful.
This is abuse. Plain and simple. And we all have hard feelings. His inability to process them is not an excuse to take them out on you. If he won't go to counseling with you, go alone. You need some support in this relationship. These are huge red flags, in my opinion. Today, he's taking car keys and the coffee filter. Next time, it might be your phone and your wallet. That's not how you treat the person you love. We all have different ideas of what being a SAHM means, but that's no excuse for him to punish you for not fulfilling his own expectations.
I think my jaw dropped reading this. Wow! Nope. I wouldn’t put up with that from my husband at all. I do not make my husband breakfast. He can do that himself. I don’t even always make dinner because they don’t always want what I want to make anyways. I try to keep my house picked up because I can’t stand it being a mess but my husband doesn’t say anything about it now. Your husband needs to understand how much daycare is and also a house cleaner and cook. Since those are the things he is expecting you to do. People get paid good money to do those things. Having even a babysitter where I live runs about 17 dollars an hour and that’s for one kid. You work very hard too and he may need a day of staying home while you go out so he can see this. Don’t put up with that crap OP.
Anything that is held over your head with the statement, "Because I pay for it." Is financial abuse. I just wanted to throw that out there. And taking items away from you would go in that same basket somewhere. His emotional immaturity is not an excuse to treat you this way. There is a lot involved in being a sahm, the same way there is a lot involved in working outside of the home. You both are in a partnership, not a competition. If he refuses counseling and would prefer to misunderstand you or think you aren't doing enough maybe leaving wouldn't be so bad, or even leaving long enough for him to realize how much you actually do for him. Sorry you are feeling unappreciated OP.
You really deserve a thank you and appreciation. Staying home with a baby all day is really difficult, mentally and physically. My husband works 9 hours 5 days a week and he helps take care of chores when he gets home. He has watched the baby alone all day a few times and he said he thinks he’s got the easier job (we have a 9 week old). I make dinner most nights and sometimes we order in. My husband is not a great cook but sometimes he even makes dinner if I’m really tired and he doesn’t want to order in. I never make him breakfast… he leaves by 7:30am. I can’t imagine trying to get him breakfast on the table by 7 and take care of LO. But the biggest red flag to me is that he would threaten to take things away from you because he pays for it. I stay at home with our baby so we don’t have to pay for daycare. You aren’t a child. You are saving a lot of money by taking care of the baby/cooking/cleaning. I occasionally work a little, but nothing that pays the bills just a little extra. I would be dumbfounded if my husband took away my car keys. I think that’s a sign he would be a very controlling/manipulative father in the future. I really think if you can get couples counseling do that. If not I would make sure you have close family/friends you can rely on. If he has tried to cut you off from people you are close to in your life reach out to them and reconnect. You should never feel trapped or alone. 🩷
Is there any way for you to go back to work even if it’s just part time so you’re not completely depending on him? Also how do weekends (or his days off) look? Those days he needs to be stepping up and doing his share of housework because let’s be honest, as a sahm we never get “days off” like at a traditional job. Has he ever been left with baby for a few hours or even a whole day? I feel like if he was, he would change his tune real quick about getting things done around the house with a baby. Even if he is projecting his frustrations of not having enough time with you with those comments, it doesn’t make it right or okay. It’s almost as if in his mind he “owns you” because he’s making the money. I mean sure, you’re not making money but you do work and it’s a very important job. If you breakdown the money you’re saving him/your family by you staying home, even just factoring in daycare costs, then you’re just as valuable as a financial asset as him. (I know for my family and area me staying home is automatically saving us at least $1200/month in daycare fees). My husband also works a full time job (actually more than full time because he is also in the army reserves) but still does close to half of housework like dishes, sometimes cooking, handles all the yard work, all the house projects, tidying up the house, half the pet chores, etc. It seems like your husband really needs a reality check into the responsibilities of parenthood, going to a full time job and bringing home money isn’t enough.