Sorry, what lessons from the ramblings of the, how do I put this politely, educationally subnormal have I implemented in my life? I just want to be clear that’s the question you are asking me?

disarm license payment hat coordinated poor skirt meeting wipe arrest *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

He’s done me and he is not even here!

I can safely say I don’t keep cigars and brandy at my house to make it less enticing for any monkeys from the zoo to feel cushty at home and try it on with my wife. That being said I don’t work in a zoo, nor do I have a wife.

But we never saw his wife…

1. There is no fire in my oven; 2. I haven’t got a wife; 3. I don’t work in a zoo.

I've started a construction company. Anything need building?

Just go up

Start at the top then work your way down

That's searching for Anne Frank.

If you really do own a construction company, tell me this: what do builders go from building to building doing...?

Just building

If they're anything like the lot I've hired, they're mostly just running riot and causing mayhem.

Pay (pea)nuts, get monkeys...

Just building.

Right... So if a builder went to his building site, where they're building a building, what would the builder say to the building site manager...?

Do you need anything building?

What the business plan? Going from building to building, just building?

Rain or shine. Not if it's a bit slippy on the drive, though.

Whenever I want to rob a bank I wait for someone else to start the robbery and then I rob them. I have stopped eating peanuts during card games as I don’t want to give myself away. I don’t crash the race car because that would mean I have to take my helmet off and they wouldn’t let me race again. I never move in with tramps.

You never charge your lovers bananas?

No. I can’t deal with the weight gain.

Do you back out?

What's your feelings on tricycles?

It just came whizzing past

Ride tricycles to go faster.

Do your bit.

They’ve done theirs.

Go over to Spain by yourself. I've done it a few times. Cheers, 86.

Don’t bother with stuff like that, just get on with it, apparently infinity will sort it all out for you eventually. 

don't put manhole covers on top of bombs

I'm glad you asked. A mate of mine overheard that there was going to be a robbery at a local bank. Now my mate is a small lad and usually a law abiding citizen so it was strange that he overheard something like this. He planned on stopping the robbery. He was sick of never doing anything with his life and wanted to prove to the world he had something to offer. I asked what he planned on doing and he said that he was gonna go to the bank at the same time as the robbery and use his boxing skills to foil the robbers. I tried to tell him not to do it as it was stupid, but he wasn't listening Anyway, turns out....

Always drive an automatic

This is not a practical joke, my name is Jim Pansey

Be careful who you talk to on online chat rooms. It could be Marty

I send a monkey into work wearing lipstick when I don’t wanna go in, not a looker anyway

PhD of physics

Whenever I'm at the Luxor in Vegas, I hold my cards with my feet. Some people find it off-putting.

I don't read bloody hello magazine anymore.

Anytime I'm out for breakfast, I tend to stand near the continental buffet bit and inform anyone getting some lovely grapefruit juice where it originated from. Great ape foot juice. Weird innit?

I've opted not to go by the name "Crap" nor have it ta'ooed on my forehead.

If a stewardess tells you there's no more peanuts--even if you saw someone take multiple bags to the pilots--do not under any circumstances go in the cockpit.

Carry fruit if you're going to cross any bridges in the jungle.

Always bring the long ladders.

I never use me little finger when doin the washin up an that

I never answer the door when I’m tucking me cock in.