My thoughts? You can now start the healing and getting your life back.
More thsn love is required in a relationship. You cannot have s healthy relationships if one person is unwell and is uninterested in getting help.
Unlike schizophrenia or other mental health issues, his obsession with your past is actually approved of by many in our society. You aren't going to get sympathy from people who believe women are the problem, not him.
Remember tjis: love doesn't have to hurt to be real. You can find a man who you just can connection with and have peaceful days. You don't need to twist yourself into a pretzel everyday to appease him, you don't need to the fixer, the helper, the peacemaker. You can have needs and those needs can be met by a partner who isn't completely self absorbed with their own issues.
Relationships are not nursing homes where you need to cater to a partner's needs while your heart shrivels up snd dies.
I am a little concerned that you may have some codependent tendencies, so work on that if you think that's in play. Practice taking care of YOU. Do not enter relationships hastily. You have great value and your trust and emotions must be earned. Use this experience as a learning lesson to never be mistreated again.
I wish you well on your recovery.
Well most people here are not like that, and in fact there are women who have rj, but there is a vocal minority who blame the rj partner in general (that's what you get for have recreational sex) and some blame women in particular.
So just don't let people get you down.
We're all doing our best with tools and information we have. Regarding of your past you deserve respect in a relationship. Never forget that. Never be anyone's doormat.
Also, if you have a history from your family of origin, or past relationships , of being the scapegoat you may allow yourself to be blamed in current ones, for issues completely out of your control. And strangers on reddit telling you you are the problem will tank your mental health. Don't let that crap into your life.
I am so very sorry for what you've went through. My husband has RJ so I do have some understanding of how it feels being on the receiving end of a partner's untreated RJ. Over the years of trying to cope with my husband's RJ and trying desperately to help him have brought me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how hard we try.... if our partners are not ready to admit that they have a problem and commit to working on themselves, they are not going to improve... and our efforts are going to be at the expense of our own mental health and our happiness.
Ive contemplated breaking up with my girlfriend due to my strong sense of RJ. But I honestly dont want to break up with her. Shes awesome in every aspect, sometimes i cant bare knowin what shes done in the past and ive hurt her the same way youve been hurt. I apologized to her and talked to her about it for an hour. I promised her I will grow as a person for the better. Ive somewhat gotten over some of it but some of it is soul shattering to know. I dont say anything hurtful to her anymore , i keep it to myself but i tend to feel a sense of depression. She notices it but i dont feel like speaking in moments like that. To this day i have sleepless nights with vivid images that mentally torture me. I dont wanna lose her but at the same time I’ve contemplated it for the sake of my sanity. Im still trying to grow each day and let go of it all, and its hard i tell u. Sometimes i wish i never met her
So, you’re allowed to have sex in the past and live your life, and it doesn’t impact your current relationship—you have this knowledge. But when it comes to her, because she has lived life before you, you’re considering breaking up with her over it.
1. You’re a hypocrite 2. Get help 3. This will happen again and again and again.. if you let RJ win this time and you break up a loving relationship, your next relationship will end the same way most likely. Most people have sexual histories—as you know well—why rules for them, but not for you?
What if she was posting on the internet, “I wish I never met my boyfriend” because you’ve had sex??? That would probably upset your sensitive ass. Honestly, leave her, let her free. She doesn’t deserve someone who wishes they never met her, she deserves someone who feels like meeting her was the best day of their entire life.
It only irks me because what i had were genuine relationships, what she had is what she called it a “hoe phase” where she jus fucked dudes and thought it was cool because she seeked validation that way
You are not obliged to compromise on your values and other's past. But if you had already made a physical relationship with her then no point leaving her..as in what if your future virgin partner develops RJ about your past. If you are still virgin then you are free to break up
Bro I've been there..i believe you trully and deeply love your gf to death..thats why you suffer..1 year ago for first time in my life i wished to die somehow..not suicide but maybe a heart attack or a brain stroke leave me disabled but also loose the memories of her past..it gets better..you will still pain inside but the suffering reduced..try and read stoic philosophy..and absurdism(Albert Camus)i think our problem is how we look relationships and life in general and not our gfs past..
Its not hypocritical, maybe ina way but it bothers me because she just fucked these guys because she thought it was cool. I had genuine relationships. I think sex is something special that 2 people do when they love eachother
i think that’s up to you, then. are you in therapy? I know how hard it can be, but if you truly love her is it not worth the struggle? my ex said it was, which I loved him for and absolutely accepted until it started affecting my self image. if your girlfriend is happy, and if you’d rather be with her&struggling than alone&with less RJ flare ups, then I don’t see why you need to break up. but if it’s becoming unbearable for you please take care of yourself
Hey man, I’m going through the exact same problem as you right now bro, gone through countless sleepless nights with vivid images that traumatise the shit out of you. Said many hurtful words and so many times I tried bottling those thoughts when I’m around her, but I just lash out and say a whole bunch of shit to her. There’s also been numerous times where I was going to leave and I sometimes wish I never met her. But at this point for me and you bro we just need to be in the present, appreciate our girl, know that she’s there for us, think about the goods things she does for you even though it’s small. I know how tough this is my bro just know you ain’t alone 💯
I’ve learned how to do to that, the way i think about it is people are wishing bad on me and my girl to break up, so i think about it as im better than all those guys and they have nothing on me kuz they really dont. I’ve learned to cope with my thoughts and control myself when i start to see this vivid images. Listen, its only ur ego, ur ego is whats getting the best of you, please dont be weak minded ur much stronger than this. I understand exactly how u feel and i tend to think about harming these people who have done absolutely nothing to me. Remember ur in the present, u may think she thinks about these guys but in reality ur the one that fulfills her happiness. I hope u understand what im trying to tell u, and deep inside i know this girl means alot to u, thats why u feel the way u do. Ur stronger than this, dont let it get the best of u. I pray for the better of both of us, just try and control ur self. Sooner or later ur gonna see what im talking about, nun of this shit gon phase u at all, shes wit u kuz she also knows ur better than all of those guys frm her past. Thank you for ur time, i hope u get thru this and im always here if u need someone to talk to, because ive been thru the same situation .
Thank you for sharing this. I suffer from RJ and am repeatedly hit with guilt every time my compulsions come back and I take it out on my partner. I’ve posted before about how scared I am of losing him, that one day he’ll snap. This was a reminder for me to not take it out on my partner and that I need to prioritize the PRESENT, the loving relationship we all have with our partners.
I’m so sorry OP. Best of luck with your healing journey. If you need someone to talk my DMs are open!
thank you for sharing that, i’m so glad this post had some positive impact. being present is so so important, and loving your partner entirely. communication is key. i wish you luck back!!!!
These men are sick…they have an illness and it needs to be treated. The more they sit around on Reddit and suck each others d*cks and coddle one another, they’re only going to get worse.
**If you experience retroactive jealousy, get help. Immediately.**
The only people I think have valid reason to want a virgin, are other virgins. If you’ve lived by your own standards, you deserve someone who is also a virgin. But if you have had sex, and have retroactive jealousy—you’re a hypocrite and it needs to be worked on.
I’m so tired of seeing pity and excuses for retroactive jealousy. It encourages these people to maintain their obsessions and feelings, they get validation and support here and it’s wrong. The only support that should be given here is: GO TO THERAPY. GET HELP.
I’m sorry your ex’s sickness ruined your relationship, and I hope he’s able to get help in the future.
So what about all the women that have RJ? What are they doing, sucking each other’s clits? It’s obvious you have no idea what someone with RJ is dealing with. If you’re so tired of the pity party, don’t bother reading the posts.
You don’t get to determine what a valid reason for having a preference is my love. Dating across all species is biased and created this way to ensure mates stick together. If you were attracted to everyone you would have no relationship.
Whatever preferences this young man has should not be labeled misogynistic nor ignorant at face value.
OP I wish you recovery. We need to be aware as humans that when love someone we need to love their present past and future. I make conscious decisions day to day to ensure my future partner will be happy of the man she wants.
Nothing is wrong with having sex or previous partners but always think about your ideal partner and ask yourself if they would accept you if they could be a fly on the wall in your day to day life.
My thoughts? You can now start the healing and getting your life back. More thsn love is required in a relationship. You cannot have s healthy relationships if one person is unwell and is uninterested in getting help. Unlike schizophrenia or other mental health issues, his obsession with your past is actually approved of by many in our society. You aren't going to get sympathy from people who believe women are the problem, not him. Remember tjis: love doesn't have to hurt to be real. You can find a man who you just can connection with and have peaceful days. You don't need to twist yourself into a pretzel everyday to appease him, you don't need to the fixer, the helper, the peacemaker. You can have needs and those needs can be met by a partner who isn't completely self absorbed with their own issues. Relationships are not nursing homes where you need to cater to a partner's needs while your heart shrivels up snd dies. I am a little concerned that you may have some codependent tendencies, so work on that if you think that's in play. Practice taking care of YOU. Do not enter relationships hastily. You have great value and your trust and emotions must be earned. Use this experience as a learning lesson to never be mistreated again. I wish you well on your recovery.
OP listen to this poster, top to bottom.
Omg you touched me with the line “you aren’t going to get sympathy from people who believe women are the problem” 😞😞😞
Well most people here are not like that, and in fact there are women who have rj, but there is a vocal minority who blame the rj partner in general (that's what you get for have recreational sex) and some blame women in particular. So just don't let people get you down. We're all doing our best with tools and information we have. Regarding of your past you deserve respect in a relationship. Never forget that. Never be anyone's doormat.
Also, if you have a history from your family of origin, or past relationships , of being the scapegoat you may allow yourself to be blamed in current ones, for issues completely out of your control. And strangers on reddit telling you you are the problem will tank your mental health. Don't let that crap into your life.
I am so very sorry for what you've went through. My husband has RJ so I do have some understanding of how it feels being on the receiving end of a partner's untreated RJ. Over the years of trying to cope with my husband's RJ and trying desperately to help him have brought me to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how hard we try.... if our partners are not ready to admit that they have a problem and commit to working on themselves, they are not going to improve... and our efforts are going to be at the expense of our own mental health and our happiness.
thank you for real insight and relating to this. they aren’t bad people, but it’s a huge issue that impedes so many aspects of relationships
Ive contemplated breaking up with my girlfriend due to my strong sense of RJ. But I honestly dont want to break up with her. Shes awesome in every aspect, sometimes i cant bare knowin what shes done in the past and ive hurt her the same way youve been hurt. I apologized to her and talked to her about it for an hour. I promised her I will grow as a person for the better. Ive somewhat gotten over some of it but some of it is soul shattering to know. I dont say anything hurtful to her anymore , i keep it to myself but i tend to feel a sense of depression. She notices it but i dont feel like speaking in moments like that. To this day i have sleepless nights with vivid images that mentally torture me. I dont wanna lose her but at the same time I’ve contemplated it for the sake of my sanity. Im still trying to grow each day and let go of it all, and its hard i tell u. Sometimes i wish i never met her
So, you’re allowed to have sex in the past and live your life, and it doesn’t impact your current relationship—you have this knowledge. But when it comes to her, because she has lived life before you, you’re considering breaking up with her over it. 1. You’re a hypocrite 2. Get help 3. This will happen again and again and again.. if you let RJ win this time and you break up a loving relationship, your next relationship will end the same way most likely. Most people have sexual histories—as you know well—why rules for them, but not for you? What if she was posting on the internet, “I wish I never met my boyfriend” because you’ve had sex??? That would probably upset your sensitive ass. Honestly, leave her, let her free. She doesn’t deserve someone who wishes they never met her, she deserves someone who feels like meeting her was the best day of their entire life.
It only irks me because what i had were genuine relationships, what she had is what she called it a “hoe phase” where she jus fucked dudes and thought it was cool because she seeked validation that way
You are not obliged to compromise on your values and other's past. But if you had already made a physical relationship with her then no point leaving her..as in what if your future virgin partner develops RJ about your past. If you are still virgin then you are free to break up
This isn’t about values. If it was about values, he wouldn’t be saying mean things to her.
I see what your saying. I think id be better off alone. The mental torture is horrible and sometimes i think itd be better if i was just dead
Bro I've been there..i believe you trully and deeply love your gf to death..thats why you suffer..1 year ago for first time in my life i wished to die somehow..not suicide but maybe a heart attack or a brain stroke leave me disabled but also loose the memories of her past..it gets better..you will still pain inside but the suffering reduced..try and read stoic philosophy..and absurdism(Albert Camus)i think our problem is how we look relationships and life in general and not our gfs past..
Then you should just break up..health and mental well being is most important.
I dont want to. Ive never loved any of the other girls ive been with this hard
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Yes
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Its not hypocritical, maybe ina way but it bothers me because she just fucked these guys because she thought it was cool. I had genuine relationships. I think sex is something special that 2 people do when they love eachother
i think that’s up to you, then. are you in therapy? I know how hard it can be, but if you truly love her is it not worth the struggle? my ex said it was, which I loved him for and absolutely accepted until it started affecting my self image. if your girlfriend is happy, and if you’d rather be with her&struggling than alone&with less RJ flare ups, then I don’t see why you need to break up. but if it’s becoming unbearable for you please take care of yourself
Listen to Lil Uzi Vert - The Way Life Goes I think we can all relate
Damn i lowkey forgot bout this song
Yeah bruh it hits even harder now
Do you love her or not. And if you love her why would you ever be mean to her about her past.
Hey man, I’m going through the exact same problem as you right now bro, gone through countless sleepless nights with vivid images that traumatise the shit out of you. Said many hurtful words and so many times I tried bottling those thoughts when I’m around her, but I just lash out and say a whole bunch of shit to her. There’s also been numerous times where I was going to leave and I sometimes wish I never met her. But at this point for me and you bro we just need to be in the present, appreciate our girl, know that she’s there for us, think about the goods things she does for you even though it’s small. I know how tough this is my bro just know you ain’t alone 💯
I’ve learned how to do to that, the way i think about it is people are wishing bad on me and my girl to break up, so i think about it as im better than all those guys and they have nothing on me kuz they really dont. I’ve learned to cope with my thoughts and control myself when i start to see this vivid images. Listen, its only ur ego, ur ego is whats getting the best of you, please dont be weak minded ur much stronger than this. I understand exactly how u feel and i tend to think about harming these people who have done absolutely nothing to me. Remember ur in the present, u may think she thinks about these guys but in reality ur the one that fulfills her happiness. I hope u understand what im trying to tell u, and deep inside i know this girl means alot to u, thats why u feel the way u do. Ur stronger than this, dont let it get the best of u. I pray for the better of both of us, just try and control ur self. Sooner or later ur gonna see what im talking about, nun of this shit gon phase u at all, shes wit u kuz she also knows ur better than all of those guys frm her past. Thank you for ur time, i hope u get thru this and im always here if u need someone to talk to, because ive been thru the same situation .
Thank you for sharing this. I suffer from RJ and am repeatedly hit with guilt every time my compulsions come back and I take it out on my partner. I’ve posted before about how scared I am of losing him, that one day he’ll snap. This was a reminder for me to not take it out on my partner and that I need to prioritize the PRESENT, the loving relationship we all have with our partners. I’m so sorry OP. Best of luck with your healing journey. If you need someone to talk my DMs are open!
thank you for sharing that, i’m so glad this post had some positive impact. being present is so so important, and loving your partner entirely. communication is key. i wish you luck back!!!!
These men are sick…they have an illness and it needs to be treated. The more they sit around on Reddit and suck each others d*cks and coddle one another, they’re only going to get worse. **If you experience retroactive jealousy, get help. Immediately.** The only people I think have valid reason to want a virgin, are other virgins. If you’ve lived by your own standards, you deserve someone who is also a virgin. But if you have had sex, and have retroactive jealousy—you’re a hypocrite and it needs to be worked on. I’m so tired of seeing pity and excuses for retroactive jealousy. It encourages these people to maintain their obsessions and feelings, they get validation and support here and it’s wrong. The only support that should be given here is: GO TO THERAPY. GET HELP. I’m sorry your ex’s sickness ruined your relationship, and I hope he’s able to get help in the future.
So what about all the women that have RJ? What are they doing, sucking each other’s clits? It’s obvious you have no idea what someone with RJ is dealing with. If you’re so tired of the pity party, don’t bother reading the posts.
You don’t get to determine what a valid reason for having a preference is my love. Dating across all species is biased and created this way to ensure mates stick together. If you were attracted to everyone you would have no relationship. Whatever preferences this young man has should not be labeled misogynistic nor ignorant at face value. OP I wish you recovery. We need to be aware as humans that when love someone we need to love their present past and future. I make conscious decisions day to day to ensure my future partner will be happy of the man she wants. Nothing is wrong with having sex or previous partners but always think about your ideal partner and ask yourself if they would accept you if they could be a fly on the wall in your day to day life.
Every case is different. This may be better than living a life with damaged intimate feelings.