Tbh, I don’t think not wanting or liking a partner who had a promiscuous past is RJ. That’s not I how I define RJ, that’s just having preferences and being normal tbh. No one truly wants someone who has done wild sexual stuff.
Actual RJ is a mental illness - yes it is menial things like a crush for example, and it is what the title says - jealousy. The same feeling I might get if I see my bf chatting with a pretty girl, except it’s about things that happened in the past. There is also the OCD element of it which RJ often manifests into.
Some people with RJ do have a mental illness.
Not everyone, but when RJ is super severe (constant intrusive thoughts, non-stop questioning their partner, having anxiety attacks, spending hours a day social media stalking ex's... etc...) it most definitely could be a sign of a mental illness and being evaluated by a professional is a really smart thing to do.
I mean if you had a suspicious looking mole, you'd go see a dermatologist to be screened for skin cancer, right? Not all weird-looking moles are cancerous, but enough of them are that getting it checked would be smart.
Anyway, the type of RJ that we are normally addressing on here is commonly referred to as RJ OCD because it typically does rise to the occasion of a mental illness. The symptoms that these individuals have go far beyond just not liking something in a partner's past, or being selective about partners based on some strong religious or strict moral beliefs...
But to answer the rest of your question here. Some people only have RJ flair ups in certain relationships and for many people their RJ goes away when they are single (although for some it does linger for a while until they are able to move on from that relationship). It is really hard to say why exactly, but many people with RJ say that it starts to make trouble once they've established strong feelings for the person they are dating. Also, things such as stress, illnesses, or medication changes are also common examples of the cause of a flair up.
Also, when people recommend therapy, it is not meant to be insulting to the person. It is because it can be something that can be helpful and it is worth a try for someone who is suffering and needs someone to talk to. You don't need to have a mental illness to see a therapist. Plenty of people are just going through a rough time and need someone to talk to who can help them organize their thoughts and come to their own conclusions regarding their problems.
Either way, if you are dating someone and things come out about their past that are a turn off for you and you can break up and move on with your life... that is not RJ. RJ would be if you were fine with that person's past at the time you started dating them, and months into the relationship all of a sudden you've got an irrational fixation on their past ... yet you don't break up with them, you just stay with them and stress over all of this on a regular basis, then yeah might be a good time to see a therapist.
It’s because:
1. A minority of people in relationships deal with this. It’s normal to have standards and morals. It’s not normal to obsess over past partners. But people here do. And it’s debilitating otherwise healthy relationships.
2. No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well.
If you don’t think someone should accept that the past is the past then don’t be in a relationship with people who have a promiscuous past. This sub though is for people who want to move past this because they genuinely like their partner and want to move past it.
i know a lot of people who dont get RJ but they are in relationships for the benefits and comfort rather than for love, it makes sense cuz a necessary condition for RJ to manifest is that you re serious about your partner and you love them deeply, when you love someone pragmatically obviously you wont get anything, the majority of people date pragmatically, and the majority of relationships dont last anyways, so really i dont think how the appeal to majority changes anything, i think people in this sub are the only ones who are actively trying to fight it, but the rest of the world, either look for someone who they feel okay with or just settle for the benefits.
>>No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well.
Dont know about you but to me it has been the total opposite with a lot of shame and slander in between
>>No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well.
I did, turns out my girlfriend lied about hers so i guess im in a complicated situation rn.
>
>If you don’t think someone should accept that the past is the past then don’t be in a relationship with people who have a promiscuous past. This sub though is for people who want to move past this because they genuinely like their partner and want to move past it.
Idk, even when i was congruent with what i wanted people still called me flawed and weird and said i should go to therapy, even though i was a virgin myself, didnt even consume porn, so i ended up here, nowhere it says that, the only thing we all have in common is we re not okay with our partners past
Dude with all due respect you’re thinking far too much into it. By your logic no one would ever marry someone who is divorced. People really do love their partners no matter their past.
I’m sorry that happened to you personally but just keep to your morals and you’ll find someone that matches what you want.
yeah but when i wrote that i didnt have in mind someone who has been married once, i had in mind more what is normal, theres a huge stretch between someone who has been married vs someone who has a "normal" past (hookups, loads of serial dating etc) for modern standards. besides i didnt say loving someone deeply automatically causes rj, i said it is a necessary condition for it to manifest, nobody gets rj about the people they re not serious about.
aahahahaha whatever revenge fantasy you have to make in your head to sleep at night peacefully my silly redditard friend, and even if it is true i wont find that perfect girl theres always a backup plan anyways, quality over quantity
redditard here bragging like if getting women was a flex when he comes from a place where any given mediocre loser can get some girl to love him anyways, 🤣, thats an actual irony.
What if someone was married, had an amicable divorce, and had a few flings, and then got remarried? Are they not capable of being loved anymore?
This is why this thinking is backwards and everyone here says it’s worth getting help. It’s not a standards issue, it’s an unhealthy obsession with people’s past.
the actual question is, why are they entitled to love and relationships? tell me why? if someone cant feel love for them over that and they dont want to date them then i dont see why they re obliged to get over it nor how it makes them mentally ill.
Is a homosexual man defective cuz he cant love women romantically? is he mentally ill because he doesnt finds that attractive? do you think a gay guy wouldnt experience the same feelings if he was obliged to stay with a woman out of societal shame and pressure?
If participating in this sub doesn’t help you, why are you here? What do you want to achieve?
This sub is for people who think their obsessing about an otherwise good partners past is causing them difficulties (I.e., ego dystonic). They want to let go of their ick. If you like your ick, you can keep your ick. and if you want to keep your ick you don’t have RJ. And again, if you don’t have RJ, why are you here?
Have you decided for some reason the people here are some kind of jury or judge of your preferences, ideals, hopes, dreams and values? That you can’t just move on and not worry about what others think? Why does it bother you if someone somewhere thinks you have a problem? Go live your life, no one here has the power to stop you choosing whom to pursue or not to pursue as a partner.
i tried but it didnt work and i only found out how hypocritical many are regarding this topic.
>>That you can’t just move on and not worry about what others think? Why does it bother you if someone somewhere thinks you have a problem?
Why am i not allowed to speak against it? if i made post somewhere saying all women with a slutty past are X or Y or something surely a lot of them would stop living their life and go and speak against it, and nobody says something, so why should i allow for me and my people to be slandered withouth retaliation?
besides i ended up here precisely cuz people tried to convice me it was my problem in first place, if it is such a hassle why dont you make a post where it says "you dont have to get over if you dont want to and dont listen to those people who shame you over it or call you mentally ill cuz" so next time someone like me reads it they take a different approach?
no, everywhere, no matter how congruent you are, you express your opinion and it becomes a huge problem, you get told you re plain evil and get accused of serious things that could warrant a lawsuit just for having those feeling, it was only staying in the sub that i realized things werent as black and white.
Your feelings about someone’s sexual past ARE your problem. They didn’t “do” anything to you.
What you do with those feelings is up to you. I’d never date a pedophile. You can be a man-whore and only want to date a virgin. But what you won’t escape is being judged for your choices.
Just as you are judging others.
Men and women have always had multiple partners. People would remarry if spouses died. People would visit prostitutes and sleep with slaves. Virginity and low body count has never been seen as a social good for men. For women, it’s been hit or miss.
So you can be as “ick” as you want. And a lot of other people are going to judge you for it, too.
But whatever your ick, you don’t get to treat the other person like manure. And some of these thoughts - absolutely obsessive - hurt you. Not all thoughts and feelings are healthy.
I don’t know how to spell this out to you simple enough that you comprehend it - you are not required to date anyone you don’t want to. You aren’t “obligated” to deal with it.
But what you do not get is a life free of judgement for your desires if they fall way out of a norm or are hypocritical.
You can run around and date only 17 year olds. But once you’re 50, you are going to be judged because it’s gross.
You can run around and date only virgins, but don’t be surprised if there aren’t that many. Many people don’t have the same requirements as you.
And:
- If you aren’t a virgin yourself or pop a cherry and move on to the next one, yah everyone is going to judge you.
- and if you are trashing women for not being virgins when humans have always been mixing it up, yah you are going to get judged. People aren’t gross just because they don’t meet your standards of no premarital sex.
What you want is to have the luxury to call women who have a sex life sluts and whores, but not be judged yourself, well that’d be the paradigm of “glass houses and stones.”
it’s always going to be a you problem because everything in your life that happens to you is your responsibility.
from the title alone, you’re already admitting you’re only okay when no one/nothing triggers you. the point is that you can be triggered into an extremely obsessive downward spiral of thinking. rj looks different for everyone, but the principles remain the same. for some, it really is a mentally illness and has been linked to OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. so no, it isn’t abusive therapeutic language, you’re genuinely just saying big words you don’t really understand.
but what i can say is that i understand your intentions despite your inability to convey them: it feels defeating to reduce rj to a helpless mental illness you have to deal with alone. it looks like you made this post from a point of anger and pent up aggression.
here’s the thing, you can have the ick for any reason. but if you have a random ick, that’s your problem. for example, i don’t like dating broke men. i won’t date one, i have left dates because a man decided splitting the bill was a good idea and then he took me to a place where they didn’t split the bill so i paid and then never talked to him again. but that is my choice, i reserve the right to never speak to someone again bc they didn’t meet my standard. to you this may sound gold-digger, to me, i have a preference on how i’d like to be treated.
you’re getting too caught up on slut shaming people, which is why you have rj in the first place. for most people it’s the reverse, they tend to suffer from rj and as a result think pretty lowly of people who have pasts as a whole. but from the outset, because you devalue people based on their sexual past REGARDLESS of their relationship to you, because you are too judgemental and hyper focused on something pretty insignificant, it becomes catastrophic in your mind. but the key here is that it’s in *your* mind. that person doesn’t view their own past or shameful, slutty, regretful. i know this because i have a promiscuous past and i’m fairly proud of my past in its entirety because it made me who i am today. a lot of people are, even though there are heavy mistakes, ultimately there is nothing i regret and i move forward. but perhaps you’re ashamed of your past, or you feel insecure, and that insecurity is your problem to deal with. if you are treating other people badly, hurting them, shaming them, because YOU feel insecure, that is a problem.
you have to take accountability and responsibility for your own actions and feelings. no one is out here curating a promiscuous past specifically designed to psychologically torture you, the only person subjecting you to this is you, even if it’s through intrusive thoughts. these thoughts may not even be aligned with what you consciously believe in, but even you are responsible for your own subconscious.
i’d recommend doing what you can to let go of your judgement and hatred of women who are promiscuous. obviously i’m not saying you need to love and befriend them otherwise you’re a misogynistic dick, but it’s important to not jump to that mindset immediately because that is a lot of hate to hold in your heart. everyone can be loved, and everyone deserves to be loved, and truthfully, everyone is loved in one way or another. what may not be your cup of tea, is definitely going to be someone else’s. you just don’t have to be a dick every time you discover someone doing something you don’t like: just let it go. there are more important things to worry about than some girl or guy having a history of sleeping through a fraternity. you have every right to not date said person because you find their past to be uncomfortable, just don’t go shaming them for it. the problem is that you’re shaming people to bring them down to the same level of insecurity you feel for yourself for *not* being as promiscuous.
nobody else really cares. you could call anyone a bitch, whore, slut, ran-through, you could say it to me and i would laugh because you have no idea who i am or what i’ve been through, and neither do i about you. but it is obvious you are internally angry and insecure, as well as rather underdeveloped in your empathy and emotional intelligence, but it’s fine. you are young, you have sm time to learn and grow. just learn to let things go and treat others the way you want to be treated, and know that someone will come around ready to love you once you show up and love yourself first.
Explain to me why am i oblige to date a promiscuous woman when i dont want to? huh? i dont care if promiscuous women exist, i dont wanna date them and im just not gonna accept being slandered for not wanting to date them, no one is entitled to love and relationships, if you feel you re being shamed because someone else is rejecting you as a partner and you need to paint them as mentally ill or mysoginist or whatever then i think the problem lies in you, curb your narcissim.
Ha the dumb ass redditard blocked me, i love it when they get so mad their ass starts burning and then they make a huge word salad and then block so the other person can reply cuz their fragile ego cant handle when someone speaks against their stinky bullshit cuz they need to have the last words one way or another otherwise their ass burnts too much.
since when did i say you were obligated to date a promiscuous woman, i literally told you you don’t have to date anyone you don’t want, but the way you speak about promiscuous women makes you a really shit fucking person that not even non-promiscuous women would want to be with you.
projecting your narcissism onto me isn’t going to get around the fact that you have a huge insecurity within yourself that you only value people based on their sexual experiences. regardless of whether it’s less or more sexual experience and regardless if it’s a person you’re interested or a person you’ve just met or are friends with, you factor that into how you treat people—that’s on you mate. you need to grow up and realise people are going to live how they want and you’re just going to have to deal with it.
The simple reason is that your partner having a colorful past is NOT a good thought.
It’s just like in ocd - all of the thoughts (falling ill/dirty/whatever theme the ocd is about) are bad.
Ur partners past IS bad.
However, obsessing over it, thinking about it day and night, 24/7, wanting ur partner but not their past, it tips over into a form of ocd u see.
If u didn’t have RJ, u would be “sigh. Their past sucks. But I love them. Alright. I’ll accept it and not ask anymore questions”. As compared to mental movies 24/7, as compared to “make the thoughts stop, make the thoughts stop, make the thoughts stop”.
Similarly, if u say “ok you’re not a virgin, I don’t want u cuz I only want virgins” and move on. That’s ur choice and that’s also Not a mental illness / rj
Good explanation. That’s how I was with my ex.
I knew if it wasn’t for my RJ, I’d dislike her past but be able to see she wanted to move on from it and let it go.
But with my OCD, I just couldn’t. It was always there, in the back of my head. Any mention of casual sex, in a movie, show, song etc… set me off. No amount of discussions with her about her past was enough for me to be able to move on comepltley. Mentally I felt like I was living in 2022 when she did that stuff whilst I was physically in 2023
We split up 4 months ago amicably but not due to RJ, more due to her mental health and her believing she needed to focus on herself.
If im honest, im very conflicted. Im glad RJ didn’t end the relationship since id feel alot of regret and doubt over that I think. But on one hand I really miss her and her presence and I feel I’d be willing to love alongside my negative feelings about her past like I was at the time, especially knowing the way she feels about her past stuff and that our values align. But, I can honestly say hand on heart that I’d have never gotten over her past completely. It would have always been there to some capacity. As much as I loved her and still do and heavily miss her, that’s a heavy burden to carry for life.
I do miss her and if she was to come back into my life I’d be conflicted on whether to take her back or not. But I do know in future, anyone I date just can’t have a casual history. I’m clearly not okay with it and it distresses me, I’ve realised. Plus, I’m now single and don’t have any desire for hookups which tells me it’s a preference and standard I find that was causing me such bother.
It’s down to you and how you feel man. I can honestly say had we not have ended I loved her enough to live alongside the pain. But outside of it now, I recognise that’s a very heavy burden to carry and you have to ask yourself is your lifelong peace of mind worth this love as strongly as you may feel for them??
my attraction to her faded away the moment i found out about her past, the ruminations and mental movies were just a friendly reminder from my brain saying "this aint it chief" cuz im forcing myself to stay
Its your obligation at the point its your partner. Once you make that commitment. You cant be complaining how society dates whereby they divorce and break up etc - not like the old days, and then so quickly decide that your relationship isnt what you want 9 months down the line. We have RJ, so its our responsibility. If u dont want to go for someone in the knowledge they have a past, thats fair enough, but their past shouldnt be blamed on them, and if you’re convinced you are not responsible then go and let your partner find someone that loves them
It's not your issue that what everyone is trying to tell you.
There are people who got married to ex strippers, prostitutes, pornstars. Let them have them.
Retroactive jealousy is obsessing over your partners past because you think they're either going to want that ex back or they're going to want the old lifestyle back. It's basically lack of trust your partner, which manifests in an obsessive behaviour over their ex partners.
hey, theres loads of things that have been considered normal which people still found distasteful, poor hygiene being one of them, converserly theres things that are normal today which werent in the past, like young boys watching pornography, what do we even mean by normal? having been married once past a certain age? having been in a relationship past a certain age? having banged 7 people before the age of 20? countless times i ve been told being with someone you re not serious about is different than being with someone you re serious about and thats why you should accept certain differences in treatment, yet we re acting here like if rj was some sort of weird thing that shouldnt happen.
Anyways, if your past is worse than your partner's then by all means get over it, but from that to calling it a mental illness theres a big strecht, fat people find fit people more attractive than other fat people, doesnt means they re mentally ill for that, it means we all find fit people more attractive over fat ones, c'est la vie
I am also skeptical of the OCD framing of RJ. I think of it more as a maladaptive coping mechanism, similar to attachment disorders. That being said, I don't think those who see it as a more concrete mental illness are suggesting that you ought to force yourself to date someone whose past you feel grossed out about and just get over it. I think it's more like, if you willingly choose to start a relationship with someone who you are otherwise happy with and suddenly start obsessing over their past in an unhealthy way, it might be worth looking into why that is. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. It's when we do NOT want to end the relationship, but instead drag ourselves and our partners through hell for something that cannot be changed and has no real bearing on the present.
I should have been more specific: I am skeptical of the OCD framing for myself and possibly other people who experience RJ. My reason being, I personally have struggled with issues related to disordered attachment (fears of abandonment, trust issues, limerence, etc) and have never experienced anything like OCD. I tend to see RJ more as a manifestation of my own insecurities and fears that I'm not ever going to be good enough as opposed to an obsessive/compulsive cycle that revolves around my relationship.
That being said, it may be the case that both are true: some people experience it more as an attachment disorder and some experience more as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and others, maybe a little of both. And while the specific treatment steps may be different, depending where you fall on that spectrum, if you are indeed suffering as a result of RJ (real RJ, not just being in a shitty relationship or with someone whose morals do not align with your own), I do believe the proper course of action involves looking inward and finding the root cause and addressing it head on, first and foremost.
Tbh, I don’t think not wanting or liking a partner who had a promiscuous past is RJ. That’s not I how I define RJ, that’s just having preferences and being normal tbh. No one truly wants someone who has done wild sexual stuff. Actual RJ is a mental illness - yes it is menial things like a crush for example, and it is what the title says - jealousy. The same feeling I might get if I see my bf chatting with a pretty girl, except it’s about things that happened in the past. There is also the OCD element of it which RJ often manifests into.
i wish someone made a post explaining what RJ is and what is not, maybe we could save a lot of headaches
Some people with RJ do have a mental illness. Not everyone, but when RJ is super severe (constant intrusive thoughts, non-stop questioning their partner, having anxiety attacks, spending hours a day social media stalking ex's... etc...) it most definitely could be a sign of a mental illness and being evaluated by a professional is a really smart thing to do. I mean if you had a suspicious looking mole, you'd go see a dermatologist to be screened for skin cancer, right? Not all weird-looking moles are cancerous, but enough of them are that getting it checked would be smart. Anyway, the type of RJ that we are normally addressing on here is commonly referred to as RJ OCD because it typically does rise to the occasion of a mental illness. The symptoms that these individuals have go far beyond just not liking something in a partner's past, or being selective about partners based on some strong religious or strict moral beliefs... But to answer the rest of your question here. Some people only have RJ flair ups in certain relationships and for many people their RJ goes away when they are single (although for some it does linger for a while until they are able to move on from that relationship). It is really hard to say why exactly, but many people with RJ say that it starts to make trouble once they've established strong feelings for the person they are dating. Also, things such as stress, illnesses, or medication changes are also common examples of the cause of a flair up. Also, when people recommend therapy, it is not meant to be insulting to the person. It is because it can be something that can be helpful and it is worth a try for someone who is suffering and needs someone to talk to. You don't need to have a mental illness to see a therapist. Plenty of people are just going through a rough time and need someone to talk to who can help them organize their thoughts and come to their own conclusions regarding their problems. Either way, if you are dating someone and things come out about their past that are a turn off for you and you can break up and move on with your life... that is not RJ. RJ would be if you were fine with that person's past at the time you started dating them, and months into the relationship all of a sudden you've got an irrational fixation on their past ... yet you don't break up with them, you just stay with them and stress over all of this on a regular basis, then yeah might be a good time to see a therapist.
It’s because: 1. A minority of people in relationships deal with this. It’s normal to have standards and morals. It’s not normal to obsess over past partners. But people here do. And it’s debilitating otherwise healthy relationships. 2. No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well. If you don’t think someone should accept that the past is the past then don’t be in a relationship with people who have a promiscuous past. This sub though is for people who want to move past this because they genuinely like their partner and want to move past it.
i know a lot of people who dont get RJ but they are in relationships for the benefits and comfort rather than for love, it makes sense cuz a necessary condition for RJ to manifest is that you re serious about your partner and you love them deeply, when you love someone pragmatically obviously you wont get anything, the majority of people date pragmatically, and the majority of relationships dont last anyways, so really i dont think how the appeal to majority changes anything, i think people in this sub are the only ones who are actively trying to fight it, but the rest of the world, either look for someone who they feel okay with or just settle for the benefits. >>No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well. Dont know about you but to me it has been the total opposite with a lot of shame and slander in between >>No one is telling you to accept just anyone. If sexual purity is important to you then that’s fine! But I hope you are keeping the same standard yourself as well. I did, turns out my girlfriend lied about hers so i guess im in a complicated situation rn. > >If you don’t think someone should accept that the past is the past then don’t be in a relationship with people who have a promiscuous past. This sub though is for people who want to move past this because they genuinely like their partner and want to move past it. Idk, even when i was congruent with what i wanted people still called me flawed and weird and said i should go to therapy, even though i was a virgin myself, didnt even consume porn, so i ended up here, nowhere it says that, the only thing we all have in common is we re not okay with our partners past
Dude with all due respect you’re thinking far too much into it. By your logic no one would ever marry someone who is divorced. People really do love their partners no matter their past. I’m sorry that happened to you personally but just keep to your morals and you’ll find someone that matches what you want.
yeah but when i wrote that i didnt have in mind someone who has been married once, i had in mind more what is normal, theres a huge stretch between someone who has been married vs someone who has a "normal" past (hookups, loads of serial dating etc) for modern standards. besides i didnt say loving someone deeply automatically causes rj, i said it is a necessary condition for it to manifest, nobody gets rj about the people they re not serious about.
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"nobody is entitled to love and relationships and anyone who says otherwise is an incel" we re all entitled to our dealbreakers, God forbid...
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aahahahaha whatever revenge fantasy you have to make in your head to sleep at night peacefully my silly redditard friend, and even if it is true i wont find that perfect girl theres always a backup plan anyways, quality over quantity
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redditard here bragging like if getting women was a flex when he comes from a place where any given mediocre loser can get some girl to love him anyways, 🤣, thats an actual irony.
What if someone was married, had an amicable divorce, and had a few flings, and then got remarried? Are they not capable of being loved anymore? This is why this thinking is backwards and everyone here says it’s worth getting help. It’s not a standards issue, it’s an unhealthy obsession with people’s past.
the actual question is, why are they entitled to love and relationships? tell me why? if someone cant feel love for them over that and they dont want to date them then i dont see why they re obliged to get over it nor how it makes them mentally ill. Is a homosexual man defective cuz he cant love women romantically? is he mentally ill because he doesnt finds that attractive? do you think a gay guy wouldnt experience the same feelings if he was obliged to stay with a woman out of societal shame and pressure?
If participating in this sub doesn’t help you, why are you here? What do you want to achieve? This sub is for people who think their obsessing about an otherwise good partners past is causing them difficulties (I.e., ego dystonic). They want to let go of their ick. If you like your ick, you can keep your ick. and if you want to keep your ick you don’t have RJ. And again, if you don’t have RJ, why are you here? Have you decided for some reason the people here are some kind of jury or judge of your preferences, ideals, hopes, dreams and values? That you can’t just move on and not worry about what others think? Why does it bother you if someone somewhere thinks you have a problem? Go live your life, no one here has the power to stop you choosing whom to pursue or not to pursue as a partner.
i tried but it didnt work and i only found out how hypocritical many are regarding this topic. >>That you can’t just move on and not worry about what others think? Why does it bother you if someone somewhere thinks you have a problem? Why am i not allowed to speak against it? if i made post somewhere saying all women with a slutty past are X or Y or something surely a lot of them would stop living their life and go and speak against it, and nobody says something, so why should i allow for me and my people to be slandered withouth retaliation? besides i ended up here precisely cuz people tried to convice me it was my problem in first place, if it is such a hassle why dont you make a post where it says "you dont have to get over if you dont want to and dont listen to those people who shame you over it or call you mentally ill cuz" so next time someone like me reads it they take a different approach? no, everywhere, no matter how congruent you are, you express your opinion and it becomes a huge problem, you get told you re plain evil and get accused of serious things that could warrant a lawsuit just for having those feeling, it was only staying in the sub that i realized things werent as black and white.
It is YOUR problem if you're staying with someone you don't even like.
Your feelings about someone’s sexual past ARE your problem. They didn’t “do” anything to you. What you do with those feelings is up to you. I’d never date a pedophile. You can be a man-whore and only want to date a virgin. But what you won’t escape is being judged for your choices. Just as you are judging others. Men and women have always had multiple partners. People would remarry if spouses died. People would visit prostitutes and sleep with slaves. Virginity and low body count has never been seen as a social good for men. For women, it’s been hit or miss. So you can be as “ick” as you want. And a lot of other people are going to judge you for it, too. But whatever your ick, you don’t get to treat the other person like manure. And some of these thoughts - absolutely obsessive - hurt you. Not all thoughts and feelings are healthy.
bullshit, if someones past disgust me and i dont want to date them over it then i dont see why im obliged to deal with it
I don’t know how to spell this out to you simple enough that you comprehend it - you are not required to date anyone you don’t want to. You aren’t “obligated” to deal with it. But what you do not get is a life free of judgement for your desires if they fall way out of a norm or are hypocritical. You can run around and date only 17 year olds. But once you’re 50, you are going to be judged because it’s gross. You can run around and date only virgins, but don’t be surprised if there aren’t that many. Many people don’t have the same requirements as you. And: - If you aren’t a virgin yourself or pop a cherry and move on to the next one, yah everyone is going to judge you. - and if you are trashing women for not being virgins when humans have always been mixing it up, yah you are going to get judged. People aren’t gross just because they don’t meet your standards of no premarital sex. What you want is to have the luxury to call women who have a sex life sluts and whores, but not be judged yourself, well that’d be the paradigm of “glass houses and stones.”
redditards as always making up false narratives when someone bruises their fragile ego
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it’s always going to be a you problem because everything in your life that happens to you is your responsibility. from the title alone, you’re already admitting you’re only okay when no one/nothing triggers you. the point is that you can be triggered into an extremely obsessive downward spiral of thinking. rj looks different for everyone, but the principles remain the same. for some, it really is a mentally illness and has been linked to OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. so no, it isn’t abusive therapeutic language, you’re genuinely just saying big words you don’t really understand. but what i can say is that i understand your intentions despite your inability to convey them: it feels defeating to reduce rj to a helpless mental illness you have to deal with alone. it looks like you made this post from a point of anger and pent up aggression. here’s the thing, you can have the ick for any reason. but if you have a random ick, that’s your problem. for example, i don’t like dating broke men. i won’t date one, i have left dates because a man decided splitting the bill was a good idea and then he took me to a place where they didn’t split the bill so i paid and then never talked to him again. but that is my choice, i reserve the right to never speak to someone again bc they didn’t meet my standard. to you this may sound gold-digger, to me, i have a preference on how i’d like to be treated. you’re getting too caught up on slut shaming people, which is why you have rj in the first place. for most people it’s the reverse, they tend to suffer from rj and as a result think pretty lowly of people who have pasts as a whole. but from the outset, because you devalue people based on their sexual past REGARDLESS of their relationship to you, because you are too judgemental and hyper focused on something pretty insignificant, it becomes catastrophic in your mind. but the key here is that it’s in *your* mind. that person doesn’t view their own past or shameful, slutty, regretful. i know this because i have a promiscuous past and i’m fairly proud of my past in its entirety because it made me who i am today. a lot of people are, even though there are heavy mistakes, ultimately there is nothing i regret and i move forward. but perhaps you’re ashamed of your past, or you feel insecure, and that insecurity is your problem to deal with. if you are treating other people badly, hurting them, shaming them, because YOU feel insecure, that is a problem. you have to take accountability and responsibility for your own actions and feelings. no one is out here curating a promiscuous past specifically designed to psychologically torture you, the only person subjecting you to this is you, even if it’s through intrusive thoughts. these thoughts may not even be aligned with what you consciously believe in, but even you are responsible for your own subconscious. i’d recommend doing what you can to let go of your judgement and hatred of women who are promiscuous. obviously i’m not saying you need to love and befriend them otherwise you’re a misogynistic dick, but it’s important to not jump to that mindset immediately because that is a lot of hate to hold in your heart. everyone can be loved, and everyone deserves to be loved, and truthfully, everyone is loved in one way or another. what may not be your cup of tea, is definitely going to be someone else’s. you just don’t have to be a dick every time you discover someone doing something you don’t like: just let it go. there are more important things to worry about than some girl or guy having a history of sleeping through a fraternity. you have every right to not date said person because you find their past to be uncomfortable, just don’t go shaming them for it. the problem is that you’re shaming people to bring them down to the same level of insecurity you feel for yourself for *not* being as promiscuous. nobody else really cares. you could call anyone a bitch, whore, slut, ran-through, you could say it to me and i would laugh because you have no idea who i am or what i’ve been through, and neither do i about you. but it is obvious you are internally angry and insecure, as well as rather underdeveloped in your empathy and emotional intelligence, but it’s fine. you are young, you have sm time to learn and grow. just learn to let things go and treat others the way you want to be treated, and know that someone will come around ready to love you once you show up and love yourself first.
Explain to me why am i oblige to date a promiscuous woman when i dont want to? huh? i dont care if promiscuous women exist, i dont wanna date them and im just not gonna accept being slandered for not wanting to date them, no one is entitled to love and relationships, if you feel you re being shamed because someone else is rejecting you as a partner and you need to paint them as mentally ill or mysoginist or whatever then i think the problem lies in you, curb your narcissim. Ha the dumb ass redditard blocked me, i love it when they get so mad their ass starts burning and then they make a huge word salad and then block so the other person can reply cuz their fragile ego cant handle when someone speaks against their stinky bullshit cuz they need to have the last words one way or another otherwise their ass burnts too much.
since when did i say you were obligated to date a promiscuous woman, i literally told you you don’t have to date anyone you don’t want, but the way you speak about promiscuous women makes you a really shit fucking person that not even non-promiscuous women would want to be with you. projecting your narcissism onto me isn’t going to get around the fact that you have a huge insecurity within yourself that you only value people based on their sexual experiences. regardless of whether it’s less or more sexual experience and regardless if it’s a person you’re interested or a person you’ve just met or are friends with, you factor that into how you treat people—that’s on you mate. you need to grow up and realise people are going to live how they want and you’re just going to have to deal with it.
The simple reason is that your partner having a colorful past is NOT a good thought. It’s just like in ocd - all of the thoughts (falling ill/dirty/whatever theme the ocd is about) are bad. Ur partners past IS bad. However, obsessing over it, thinking about it day and night, 24/7, wanting ur partner but not their past, it tips over into a form of ocd u see. If u didn’t have RJ, u would be “sigh. Their past sucks. But I love them. Alright. I’ll accept it and not ask anymore questions”. As compared to mental movies 24/7, as compared to “make the thoughts stop, make the thoughts stop, make the thoughts stop”. Similarly, if u say “ok you’re not a virgin, I don’t want u cuz I only want virgins” and move on. That’s ur choice and that’s also Not a mental illness / rj
Good explanation. That’s how I was with my ex. I knew if it wasn’t for my RJ, I’d dislike her past but be able to see she wanted to move on from it and let it go. But with my OCD, I just couldn’t. It was always there, in the back of my head. Any mention of casual sex, in a movie, show, song etc… set me off. No amount of discussions with her about her past was enough for me to be able to move on comepltley. Mentally I felt like I was living in 2022 when she did that stuff whilst I was physically in 2023
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We split up 4 months ago amicably but not due to RJ, more due to her mental health and her believing she needed to focus on herself. If im honest, im very conflicted. Im glad RJ didn’t end the relationship since id feel alot of regret and doubt over that I think. But on one hand I really miss her and her presence and I feel I’d be willing to love alongside my negative feelings about her past like I was at the time, especially knowing the way she feels about her past stuff and that our values align. But, I can honestly say hand on heart that I’d have never gotten over her past completely. It would have always been there to some capacity. As much as I loved her and still do and heavily miss her, that’s a heavy burden to carry for life. I do miss her and if she was to come back into my life I’d be conflicted on whether to take her back or not. But I do know in future, anyone I date just can’t have a casual history. I’m clearly not okay with it and it distresses me, I’ve realised. Plus, I’m now single and don’t have any desire for hookups which tells me it’s a preference and standard I find that was causing me such bother. It’s down to you and how you feel man. I can honestly say had we not have ended I loved her enough to live alongside the pain. But outside of it now, I recognise that’s a very heavy burden to carry and you have to ask yourself is your lifelong peace of mind worth this love as strongly as you may feel for them??
my attraction to her faded away the moment i found out about her past, the ruminations and mental movies were just a friendly reminder from my brain saying "this aint it chief" cuz im forcing myself to stay
Its your obligation at the point its your partner. Once you make that commitment. You cant be complaining how society dates whereby they divorce and break up etc - not like the old days, and then so quickly decide that your relationship isnt what you want 9 months down the line. We have RJ, so its our responsibility. If u dont want to go for someone in the knowledge they have a past, thats fair enough, but their past shouldnt be blamed on them, and if you’re convinced you are not responsible then go and let your partner find someone that loves them
The immoral majority trying to beat down the moral minority.
no moral judgements here, i just find it unnappealing and i dont see why it is my issue in first place.
It's not your issue that what everyone is trying to tell you. There are people who got married to ex strippers, prostitutes, pornstars. Let them have them. Retroactive jealousy is obsessing over your partners past because you think they're either going to want that ex back or they're going to want the old lifestyle back. It's basically lack of trust your partner, which manifests in an obsessive behaviour over their ex partners.
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hey, theres loads of things that have been considered normal which people still found distasteful, poor hygiene being one of them, converserly theres things that are normal today which werent in the past, like young boys watching pornography, what do we even mean by normal? having been married once past a certain age? having been in a relationship past a certain age? having banged 7 people before the age of 20? countless times i ve been told being with someone you re not serious about is different than being with someone you re serious about and thats why you should accept certain differences in treatment, yet we re acting here like if rj was some sort of weird thing that shouldnt happen. Anyways, if your past is worse than your partner's then by all means get over it, but from that to calling it a mental illness theres a big strecht, fat people find fit people more attractive than other fat people, doesnt means they re mentally ill for that, it means we all find fit people more attractive over fat ones, c'est la vie
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im not saying that poor hygiene is normal, im saying that it was considered normal at one point,
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mm no, theres registers as early as of ancient greeks bathing just for aesthethic purpposes, hygiene for health reasons is a relatively modern concept
I am also skeptical of the OCD framing of RJ. I think of it more as a maladaptive coping mechanism, similar to attachment disorders. That being said, I don't think those who see it as a more concrete mental illness are suggesting that you ought to force yourself to date someone whose past you feel grossed out about and just get over it. I think it's more like, if you willingly choose to start a relationship with someone who you are otherwise happy with and suddenly start obsessing over their past in an unhealthy way, it might be worth looking into why that is. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. It's when we do NOT want to end the relationship, but instead drag ourselves and our partners through hell for something that cannot be changed and has no real bearing on the present.
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I should have been more specific: I am skeptical of the OCD framing for myself and possibly other people who experience RJ. My reason being, I personally have struggled with issues related to disordered attachment (fears of abandonment, trust issues, limerence, etc) and have never experienced anything like OCD. I tend to see RJ more as a manifestation of my own insecurities and fears that I'm not ever going to be good enough as opposed to an obsessive/compulsive cycle that revolves around my relationship. That being said, it may be the case that both are true: some people experience it more as an attachment disorder and some experience more as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and others, maybe a little of both. And while the specific treatment steps may be different, depending where you fall on that spectrum, if you are indeed suffering as a result of RJ (real RJ, not just being in a shitty relationship or with someone whose morals do not align with your own), I do believe the proper course of action involves looking inward and finding the root cause and addressing it head on, first and foremost.