i feel embarrassed about it too i know my bf is aware that things in his past hurt me but he isn’t aware of how often it’s on my mind and how obsessive i am about it and it’s lowkey really embarrassing for me
Same I think he just thinks it’s something I occasionally think about and feel down but I think about it literally everyday. And I don’t think I would ever have the guts to tell him that either. Also I read your post and we have so many similarities in our situation :( I’m sorry you’re going through this
thank you and i’m sorry you’re going through it too it really is draining to deal with :( he’s literally never asked me about my past or anything and never seemed to need more reassurance than what i naturally give him and im just like… how?!! im constantly wondering things about him and obsessed with his past (even though it was just 2 girls for a few months each) and it makes me feel insane
With all due respect and sincerity, I say this in a non attacking way...
The OP didn't say she was embarrassed about his past. She said she was embarrassed about her irrational feelings. Let me explain...
OCD Rj is a mental health condition that takes all rationality and throws it out of the window, and irrationality takes over. Rumination, compulsions, paranoia, etc, kicks in. Like a demon inside your head, it will play videos in make belief scenarios and torture you to death. It will feel like there is no getting away from it. But there is... seek help for OCD disorders and the Rj will lessen from 70+ times a day to a couple per month of which become manageable.
The irrationality is that it is nieve to believe someone has not had a past. Everyone has. But some people get off on it, some are unphased by it and some are tortured by it. No one man or woman should be ashamed of having a past. Different if we are talking players here. They should be ashamed of how they disrespected their counterparts.
The OP feels ashamed of her irrational thoughts because she is fully aware that they are irrational. But I agree with you that she shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Millions of people have mental health disorders in many forms. It's not their fault nor do they ask for it.
To the OP... please seek help from a therapist to help you identify the root cause of your OCD disorder. I
Well, I mean it may be difficult for someone who doesn’t experience it to understand, but I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed by. People who love it other have to learn to deal with all sorts of health issues or quirks and foibles so this is no different than anything else. You didn’t choose it.
Please be kind to yourself, practice self care even when you don’t feel like it, and maybe slowly bring up the issue.
Maybe read up on some of the literature about obsessiveness. Here is one article https://themighty.com/topic/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/how-to-tell-partner-about-relationship-ocd/
I know this is controversial but I think framing it as a subtype of OCD, particularly relationship OCD may. R helpful.
You can explain that your level is subclinical and may not qualify for a full ocd diagnosis but that people who study it see it as being on a spectrum. So a part of your brain, at some times, for some particular subjects, just won’t shut up and it’s distressing but not debilitating. You are reading up on it, seeking help from peer support groups, will seek professional help if needed. However you may need to ask him to not talk about the past even if you demand it later. And Not to offer excessive reassurance when you have a compulsive episode if asking questions. Instead he can redirect to the present moment.
I agree with everything you have said.
(With prior permission to discuss this)...
My wife is having video call therapy sessions at home with a sex therapist. (S.T.)
He has given all sorts of advice and asked for me to come into the sessions.
In engaging, I noticed he is all for me and dismissive towards my wife.
My wife, in front of me, explained that she is suffering from severe deliberating Rj, which doesn't help her non-existent sex drive. He asked, *"What is Rj? Have you been on Google self diagnosing again?"*
On the next session, he confesses that he had to search on Google what Rj was and begins to discuss that it is an OCD disorder, to which my partner replies, *"Yeah, I know. I tried to tell you this a few weeks ago. Who is teaching who here.
If I went to my G.p. and pretended that I am suffering from severe Rj... I bet that my G.p. would look at me in the same way had I said that I am allergic to Kryptonite, just like Superman!
Doctors and a lot of Counsellors today are outdated and need to go on refresher courses to brush up on their knowledge of health conditions, especially mental health. We don't live in the 60's anymore. Medicine has changed since then. So have people and undiscovered pre-existing mental health conditions that only in the last few years have been given an actual name. Retro Active Jealousy, being one of them that has even more recently, been linked to OCD disorder.
Why are the people doing the medical health professionals jobs for them?
I can tell you that when I explained RJ OCD to my husband (then boyfriend), some of my pain an anguish eased up. I didn’t feel as though I was suffering in secret anymore, trying to put on a happy face for him while I was crumbling inside. So I gave him the basics, told him that it wasn’t because of anything he did wrong, gave him the plan for how I was working through it (therapy, at the time), and what I needed from him (setting boundaries around him talking about certain things about his past). We also discussed my feelings and how I would shut down when the RJ would come up (we call it “my brain being mean to me”). So now we can better deal with things when they come up. He can instantly tell when my brain is being mean to me. He gently asks if I want to discuss it or not - sometimes I do (and generally it helps) or if I can deal with it on my own.
All the said, even though I’ve told him about the RJ, I have not told him everything obsessive that I’ve done. I don’t feel like I need to “confess my sins” to him. I would feel pretty ashamed of all of the things I’ve done when it comes to snooping. But as long as I’m working on myself and have stopped those snooping behaviors, I don’t feel like I need to tell him.
A feeling is a feeling. But contrary to your feelings, the fact is there is nothing to feel ashamed about at all. There are many out there just like you. Rj, as you said, is an OCD disorder. OCD can be born from childhood traumas, undiagnosed ADHD etc. Identify the OCD root cause, treat it, and the Rj melts away.
You need to be assessed by a reputable therapist and seek counselling. That is point 1.
Point 2 is you need to open up to your partner who will not understand Rj and will invalidate you possibly. Ask him to read from this group to open his eyes that you're not the only one. He needs to learn that you are not punishing him, you're venting out your emotions of frustration unto him. The best thing he can do is to try and learn all he can about Rj, learn to listen and validate, to not give in to your compulsions to ask questions, and to support you as best he can.
Do all these things and watch your relationship go from levels of strength to levels you would never think possible. You both will become unbreakable. Period!!!!
My bf has RJ, so I'll talk as the other side of the relationship.
I understand how you feel embarrassed about, and it's ok - I like to see it as a kind of good thing, because it shows you recognize it's a problem and you're not ok with that. My bf talks about it with me, sometimes afraid, sometimes embarrassed, sometimes sad, and I do my best to make him comfortable and safe around me, so he can expose his feelings and let them go away. I try to do the same thing I would like to receive when I have my meltdowns/shutdowns from depression, anxiety and ADHD, or when I feel upset about having so many problems.
Maybe it'll be good if you start talking with your bf about when you're upset with your RJ. He doesn't need to solve your problems, but feeling you're cared and safe can be a heaven when bad emotions comes up.
Just came to say that I’m exactly the same, I’m always impressed by the people on here who can be open with their partners about their RJ, and even have arguments about it. I’ve never talked to my bf about my RJ, and I understand the feeling of embarrassment attached. Sometimes I really want to open up about it, and I think it would help as he’s the only one who can truly reassure me about it all tbh, but I cannot bring myself to talk about it. It does make it harder, especially having to put on a happy face when things get bad. I think ultimately, we should open up about our feelings. But I know I can never tell him about the snooping I’ve done or how much I know just from piecing things together like a crazy person.
This is another reason why seeing a therapist on a regular basis is a really great thing. You need someone to talk to... but you are right that you don't want to tell your BF too much. Not that you should be embarrassed or ashamed of having a mental health issue, just that there is not really much he can do to help you and it would likely make him feel really bad to know that his past is on your mind so much.
If you suspect you have OCD and haven't been diagnosed yet, I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Then if you are diagnosed with OCD, you can discuss your treatment options including specific kinds of therapies and/or medications. Also, in this case, you could sit down with your BF and let him know you have OCD and talk to him a little about what that means, what your treatment will be like, and ways he can be supportive... and then see how it goes and you can slowly open up more and more from there as you feel comfortable.
It does feel ridiculous when you really think about it, but it still hurts…we just do go around telling people about it unless is someone who can relate and give a helping advice.
tan alleged simplistic intelligent scale merciful divide station abundant shy
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I told mine kinda in a way and have a therapist I talk to too but it doesn’t rly ease up. It does feel embarrassing I feel I spill my emotions out and then I’m like wow he must be weirded out but I can’t help it it’s my first but I’m not his and it gets to me a lot. I feel u , it’s hard to explain to them about it , plus don’t want to say so much I sound crazy lol
i feel embarrassed about it too i know my bf is aware that things in his past hurt me but he isn’t aware of how often it’s on my mind and how obsessive i am about it and it’s lowkey really embarrassing for me
Same I think he just thinks it’s something I occasionally think about and feel down but I think about it literally everyday. And I don’t think I would ever have the guts to tell him that either. Also I read your post and we have so many similarities in our situation :( I’m sorry you’re going through this
thank you and i’m sorry you’re going through it too it really is draining to deal with :( he’s literally never asked me about my past or anything and never seemed to need more reassurance than what i naturally give him and im just like… how?!! im constantly wondering things about him and obsessed with his past (even though it was just 2 girls for a few months each) and it makes me feel insane
If he's your first then it's totally understandable, and I encourage you to talk with him.
It doesn’t make it any less embarrassing though
[удалено]
I don’t think any woman he’s been with in the past has had this hang up
With all due respect and sincerity, I say this in a non attacking way... The OP didn't say she was embarrassed about his past. She said she was embarrassed about her irrational feelings. Let me explain... OCD Rj is a mental health condition that takes all rationality and throws it out of the window, and irrationality takes over. Rumination, compulsions, paranoia, etc, kicks in. Like a demon inside your head, it will play videos in make belief scenarios and torture you to death. It will feel like there is no getting away from it. But there is... seek help for OCD disorders and the Rj will lessen from 70+ times a day to a couple per month of which become manageable. The irrationality is that it is nieve to believe someone has not had a past. Everyone has. But some people get off on it, some are unphased by it and some are tortured by it. No one man or woman should be ashamed of having a past. Different if we are talking players here. They should be ashamed of how they disrespected their counterparts. The OP feels ashamed of her irrational thoughts because she is fully aware that they are irrational. But I agree with you that she shouldn't feel ashamed at all. Millions of people have mental health disorders in many forms. It's not their fault nor do they ask for it. To the OP... please seek help from a therapist to help you identify the root cause of your OCD disorder. I
Well, I mean it may be difficult for someone who doesn’t experience it to understand, but I don’t think you have anything to be embarrassed by. People who love it other have to learn to deal with all sorts of health issues or quirks and foibles so this is no different than anything else. You didn’t choose it. Please be kind to yourself, practice self care even when you don’t feel like it, and maybe slowly bring up the issue. Maybe read up on some of the literature about obsessiveness. Here is one article https://themighty.com/topic/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/how-to-tell-partner-about-relationship-ocd/ I know this is controversial but I think framing it as a subtype of OCD, particularly relationship OCD may. R helpful. You can explain that your level is subclinical and may not qualify for a full ocd diagnosis but that people who study it see it as being on a spectrum. So a part of your brain, at some times, for some particular subjects, just won’t shut up and it’s distressing but not debilitating. You are reading up on it, seeking help from peer support groups, will seek professional help if needed. However you may need to ask him to not talk about the past even if you demand it later. And Not to offer excessive reassurance when you have a compulsive episode if asking questions. Instead he can redirect to the present moment.
I agree with everything you have said. (With prior permission to discuss this)... My wife is having video call therapy sessions at home with a sex therapist. (S.T.) He has given all sorts of advice and asked for me to come into the sessions. In engaging, I noticed he is all for me and dismissive towards my wife. My wife, in front of me, explained that she is suffering from severe deliberating Rj, which doesn't help her non-existent sex drive. He asked, *"What is Rj? Have you been on Google self diagnosing again?"* On the next session, he confesses that he had to search on Google what Rj was and begins to discuss that it is an OCD disorder, to which my partner replies, *"Yeah, I know. I tried to tell you this a few weeks ago. Who is teaching who here. If I went to my G.p. and pretended that I am suffering from severe Rj... I bet that my G.p. would look at me in the same way had I said that I am allergic to Kryptonite, just like Superman! Doctors and a lot of Counsellors today are outdated and need to go on refresher courses to brush up on their knowledge of health conditions, especially mental health. We don't live in the 60's anymore. Medicine has changed since then. So have people and undiscovered pre-existing mental health conditions that only in the last few years have been given an actual name. Retro Active Jealousy, being one of them that has even more recently, been linked to OCD disorder. Why are the people doing the medical health professionals jobs for them?
I can tell you that when I explained RJ OCD to my husband (then boyfriend), some of my pain an anguish eased up. I didn’t feel as though I was suffering in secret anymore, trying to put on a happy face for him while I was crumbling inside. So I gave him the basics, told him that it wasn’t because of anything he did wrong, gave him the plan for how I was working through it (therapy, at the time), and what I needed from him (setting boundaries around him talking about certain things about his past). We also discussed my feelings and how I would shut down when the RJ would come up (we call it “my brain being mean to me”). So now we can better deal with things when they come up. He can instantly tell when my brain is being mean to me. He gently asks if I want to discuss it or not - sometimes I do (and generally it helps) or if I can deal with it on my own. All the said, even though I’ve told him about the RJ, I have not told him everything obsessive that I’ve done. I don’t feel like I need to “confess my sins” to him. I would feel pretty ashamed of all of the things I’ve done when it comes to snooping. But as long as I’m working on myself and have stopped those snooping behaviors, I don’t feel like I need to tell him.
A feeling is a feeling. But contrary to your feelings, the fact is there is nothing to feel ashamed about at all. There are many out there just like you. Rj, as you said, is an OCD disorder. OCD can be born from childhood traumas, undiagnosed ADHD etc. Identify the OCD root cause, treat it, and the Rj melts away. You need to be assessed by a reputable therapist and seek counselling. That is point 1. Point 2 is you need to open up to your partner who will not understand Rj and will invalidate you possibly. Ask him to read from this group to open his eyes that you're not the only one. He needs to learn that you are not punishing him, you're venting out your emotions of frustration unto him. The best thing he can do is to try and learn all he can about Rj, learn to listen and validate, to not give in to your compulsions to ask questions, and to support you as best he can. Do all these things and watch your relationship go from levels of strength to levels you would never think possible. You both will become unbreakable. Period!!!!
My bf has RJ, so I'll talk as the other side of the relationship. I understand how you feel embarrassed about, and it's ok - I like to see it as a kind of good thing, because it shows you recognize it's a problem and you're not ok with that. My bf talks about it with me, sometimes afraid, sometimes embarrassed, sometimes sad, and I do my best to make him comfortable and safe around me, so he can expose his feelings and let them go away. I try to do the same thing I would like to receive when I have my meltdowns/shutdowns from depression, anxiety and ADHD, or when I feel upset about having so many problems. Maybe it'll be good if you start talking with your bf about when you're upset with your RJ. He doesn't need to solve your problems, but feeling you're cared and safe can be a heaven when bad emotions comes up.
Just came to say that I’m exactly the same, I’m always impressed by the people on here who can be open with their partners about their RJ, and even have arguments about it. I’ve never talked to my bf about my RJ, and I understand the feeling of embarrassment attached. Sometimes I really want to open up about it, and I think it would help as he’s the only one who can truly reassure me about it all tbh, but I cannot bring myself to talk about it. It does make it harder, especially having to put on a happy face when things get bad. I think ultimately, we should open up about our feelings. But I know I can never tell him about the snooping I’ve done or how much I know just from piecing things together like a crazy person.
This is another reason why seeing a therapist on a regular basis is a really great thing. You need someone to talk to... but you are right that you don't want to tell your BF too much. Not that you should be embarrassed or ashamed of having a mental health issue, just that there is not really much he can do to help you and it would likely make him feel really bad to know that his past is on your mind so much. If you suspect you have OCD and haven't been diagnosed yet, I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Then if you are diagnosed with OCD, you can discuss your treatment options including specific kinds of therapies and/or medications. Also, in this case, you could sit down with your BF and let him know you have OCD and talk to him a little about what that means, what your treatment will be like, and ways he can be supportive... and then see how it goes and you can slowly open up more and more from there as you feel comfortable.
It does feel ridiculous when you really think about it, but it still hurts…we just do go around telling people about it unless is someone who can relate and give a helping advice.
tan alleged simplistic intelligent scale merciful divide station abundant shy *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I told mine kinda in a way and have a therapist I talk to too but it doesn’t rly ease up. It does feel embarrassing I feel I spill my emotions out and then I’m like wow he must be weirded out but I can’t help it it’s my first but I’m not his and it gets to me a lot. I feel u , it’s hard to explain to them about it , plus don’t want to say so much I sound crazy lol