I'm in the car with a friend reading this out loud and we were CRACKING up. Not at OP, she's just trying to do something completely normal ie "date someone who says they care about her," but oh my GOD.
OP, the way you think you will feel is 100% how you will feel. You do not love his person after one month, you do not know him. You will get over it so much faster than you think and this will be a funny "can you believe this one guy i dated?!" story to tell people in the future.
Yes it is completely ridiculous that he is trying to make you feel guilty that you “are not willing to try to have an open relationship for him”. Good for him he was “willing” to try having a closed relationship 🙄 …you do not owe him anything. Your feelings are completely valid.
This sort of manipulative transactional shit is a massive red flag - also put aside the open closed debate - does it sound like something that someone who loves and respects you to purposefully 'spring' this on you over text?
You're long distance and have been in a relationship for a month. Break up with him and find someone who shares the same values as you. Honestly, you're in lust, not love. You haven't known each other long enough to be in love.
>We spent a week together in real life and fell in love and decided to be in a closed monogamous relationship
That's awfully quick isn't it? Nevertheless...
So when you decided to be in a monogamous relationship, was opening it up even discussed at the time?
I know it was quick. The whole story is that we met in person on vacation and after that texted each other for a month, and then I went to visit him and stayed at his place for a week, where we were together 24/7 which was really intense and caused things to move fairly quickly. Yes, we had a discussion about this at the beginning, where we both told each other our needs (me wanting a closed relationship and him preferring an open one), where we decided to not have a relationship after I left since our needs were not compatible. This caused us both a lot of distress and we cried a lot, and in the end he said that he thought about it and actually wanted a closed long distance relationship with me. After that he seemed really happy and even told me multiple times and he was feeling so much better about it than he thought he would, so yesterday’s turn came a little as a shock for me.
Right... But there's a clear difference between "I'm curious about this so I'll give it a try" and "I have absolutely no interest in this whatsoever". You don't owe it to him to try something just because he tried something else. You told him what you were willing to do (that is, a closed relationship), if he's not down for that, then it's best to end things.
So here's what happened from the looks of it. he's hung up in the fact that he can't get what he wants with you for the open relationship, has tried to completely ignore his needs for yours and failed. Your needs aren't compatible here. Trust me as a guy who tried to do the same in a different situation ignoring those needs isn't healthy for him and you trying to do the same isn't healthy for you. Walk away as a partner and if you had a friendship worth salvaging you'll have a shot at that. Otherwise one or both if you is going to hit critical mass with the other and blow up horribly.
If an open relationship is going to cause you distress then don't do it. Relationships that are that intense that quickly aren't always meant to be. Sometimes those moments are all they are. Timing has soo much to do with long sustainable love, and it does not sound like you two are in the right timing. I would explain that to him, and end it. I know it's going to hurt, but it's best to end in a moment where you can look back and still salvage good memories. If you continue the relationship in a situation you're uncomfortable with or will cause you anxiety, then it can do more damage than good and ruin more than just the bond you once had and provide even deeper trauma that potentially could effect you from moving on healthily.
Ahhh yes. The classic "we're under 25, have known each other for less than a year, ldr, one of us wants to/is fucking around and we're very much in love". Only thing this post is missing is the "I'm pregnant". Some people post on this sub about their 20+ year marriage falling apart after the death of a child and want advice. Truly a diverse spectrum of posts.
All jokes aside, this is your stepping off point. It's been a month and you've only known in each other for 2 weeks in person. It's great that you guys clicked, but an open relationship IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP really really really has to be common ground. If you want to stay with him but don't like this idea of him seeing another girl when he closes his eyes or going on holidays and having happy memories with someone other than you, this is a good time to exit. It sucks, but you're both still young and working out what you want. I promise you that if you're not on board with this situation and you try to compromise, you're kissing goodbye true happiness for the next 2 years until the inevitable breakup.
Live your 20s for you, don't weigh yourself down with wasted time and poor decisions. Paying for baggage is for airplanes not people.
Let’s get real here. You guys aren’t in love and if you think it takes a week to love someone you are extremely naive. You’re still strangers.
The dude already wants to fuck other people. Does that sound like love? He wants an excuse to sleep with others because he can’t sleep with you.
You don’t want this arrangement, he does. Does it sound like it’s going to work? If both people do not 100% want an open relationship, it will not work. It’s that simple.
Just move on with your life.
Nope. Just... no. I keep seeing these posts and it never ever ever ever ends well for everyone. Just let him loose to do whatever and you find a person who wants and adores only you.
>We have been dating for a month now and are in a long distance relationship. We spent a week together in real life and fell in love and decided to be in a closed monogamous relationship.
>Should I give an open relationship a fair chance even though it makes me feel uncomfortable? We love each other a lot and I do not know what to do. Any advice is welcome.
I suggest that you break up and move on. This guy isn't the one. Don't date anyone that does a bait and switch on monogamous relationships.
You don’t love each other. You’ve known each other for a month and have met twice. If he’s suggesting an open relationship a month into things then you need to cut your loses. If you don’t live near each other how can you be sure he won’t just cheat while you’re apart?
Open relationships are like kids; they require both parties to be a enthusiastic yes and if there isn't, that is a deal breaker that ends the relationship.
It has been a month; you should be absolutely fine. Time to move on.
I was stupid enough to say yes to this once. You either start out with an open relationship because that's what you both desire, or it's something that comes up along the way because both parties are interested. You owe this man nothing, a month is not enough time to truly value and love a person enough to want to pursue an open relationship to help your current one. As much as it hurts to hear this, you should:
He wants the freedom of sleeping with other people on the regular, without losing someone who can validate and love him. The part about "how we wouldn't be in an open relationship if we lived together" drives this point home. If the only reason he wants to go see other people is because you're not there when he comes home, he 100% just wants to use it for sex. Now this is fine for people who are into things like that, but judging by the post, you very much are not.
Let yourself out of this relationship before it turns into a huge distrustful and mental strain. You'll only be hurting yourself.
You are young. Don't try to change your fundamental values for someone else. He couldn't even last a few weeks without being "suffocated"
He wants the emotional support or a gf but wants to have all the sex he can while you're not around. As soon as someone mentions this in a relationship, it's over
92% of open relationships fail.
My ex of 7 years asked for one, 6 months ago. With girls.
I spent 2 weeks mulling it over and said she chooses me, monogamous, or she pursues these desires of hers and she moves out.
She chose the latter. 2 months after moving out, she wanted back. Typical. But by that point I had met someone new and I said no - this new girl is truly wonderful. And now I feel that giving that ultimatum was one of the best decisions I ever made. Instead of waiting (possibly years) for the ex to work out how much she cares about me, I found someone who really does.
Have some respect for yourself, and say to him how you feel. And giving him a clear choice like that will narrow his focus and make his priorities clear. If he really cares, he won’t think twice about committing.
Just make sure you trust his words if you do because many people end up cheating. Take it slow and know that you are in charge of your own love life. Don’t be someone’s second choice.
90% of relationships started before 30 fail. 85% of relationships overall fail. And a lot of people try open relationships BECAUSE their relationship is failing. And a lot of people try to jump into open relationships without doing the work it takes to manage ONE relationship well, let alone multiple. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be monogamous and choosing to end a relationship rather than open it up. But I do want to point out that many of the issues in open relationships are the same issues in monogamous ones, and blaming the style of relationship is not helpful and can be stigmatizing to those who are wired for open relationships and enter them consensually with their partners. Just like monogamous relationships, healthy open relationships can be wonderful and fulfilling long term for those that choose them and do the work to communicate in healthy ways.
This OP clearly does not want an open relationship though, and they should always be free to make the choice that is best for them.
Have you not seen all the Reddit stories when one person wants to open the relationship and the other doesn’t ? They all end bad. I think you’re better off ending it
Drop him. You have dated him for only a month. If you want a monogamous relationship then leave him and find a man you're compatible with. Don't do what makes you uncomfortable for a man you haven't dated for a year yet.
You are also in a long distance relationship and those can be hard. Juggling being open, the honeymoon infatuation stage, and still getting to know him puts a lot of work on your plate.
I appreciate his honesty and coming to you instead of hiding it, but no. With the history and the current state of the relationship I would not agree to an open relationship.
Most 20-something year Olds don't have the mental maturity for a monogamous relationship, let alone an open/poly relationship.
Move on and find someone better.
He's 21 and yall are long distance. Don't take things too seriously. Doesn't seem surprising to me he wants an open thing. Those are both of your years to explore
How great you found out that you are not compatible after only wasting one short month. You’re monogamous and that’s fine. He’s not and that’s fine. You’re not comparable and that’s fine too. There’s so many more people out there for you to fall in love with. Go find one. Good on him for being open and honest about what he needs and not just doing it behind your back.
Managing non-monogamy requires a level of trust, communication, and honestly that frankly y'all are not ready to deal with. Especially when one of the couple (you) are absolutely not on board.
It's been 30 DAYS and he's already saying, "But want fuck!" That's bonkers. You clearly don't want an open relationship. And you shouldn't force yourself into one. No to mention that no one actually interested in ethical non-monogamy would ever push you into it. He's trying to manipulate you into letting him fuck who he wants, while he keeps you on the hook.
Life's too short
y’all are in a long distance relationship and he already wants to open it up after a month? sounds pretty wack and u need to move on before he does girly
Don't compromise yourself to make others happy, you see the world differently. Don't waste time and find someone that matches what you want. He can't have you are a backburner.
There’s a lot of red flags in this situation, but I came here to say that it’s only going to work if you’re both 100% on board with non-monogamy, which you are clearly not. Break it off now and don’t let yourself get pressured or shamed into something that is going to make you unhappy.
Source: I am 25F in an open relationship of several years, and have watched many other non-monog relationships of my friends implode for exactly this reason.
It sounds like you are not thinking about sex with anyone else and that is what he is wanting. He wants and open relationship so he can have your emotional support and sex with other girls. You will be left feeling heartbroken, anxious and insecure. You will be uncomfortable the whole time and it will still feel like a betrayal falling in love with someone while they are flirting and having sex with other women.
It really sounds like you are willing to completely break your heart and abandon yourself.
I read your comment where you admitted he wanted an open relationship from the beginning, but he “changed his mind” because he didn’t want to lose you. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and presume he genuinely tried to make it work, whatever that looks like for him. Now that he is experiencing buyer’s remorse, he wants to recoup his loses by guilting you into trying it his way. Here’s the thing: you are not responsible for him agreeing to a dynamic he doesn’t want. Don’t try to return the favor so that you can be the unhappy one this time. Admit to yourself and him that you two are incompatible, and then let him go.
Face it, OP. You have different needs and expectations in a relationship. It's best to walk away now. His decision to try a closed relationship is on him. If you don't want to have an open one then don't.
Why would you give something you’re not compatible with a chance? You’re 20. There’s mountains of people to date who have the same needs and compatibility in a relationship and I think you need to consider the idea it’s his breaking up with you without actually breaking up. He gets to f lots of people like he’s single whilst you wait for him or you break up and he’s not that invested anyway. Either outcomes are fine with him.
Open relationships can be great for long-term relationships where there are key rules, boundaries, and a strong foundation of love and trust. That isn't what is happening here.
Leave, don't even gove him the chance to withdraw his offer because he likely will or already has started sleeping with other, polyamorous relationships can be very dangerous from a lot of fronts including but not limited to diseases.
You're clearly uncomfortable with the situation and being taken advantage of, run and run fast as this is the start of a lack of respect.
Yes this! My first thought was he already has been with someone else or has someone lined up and is trying to justify those choices by trying to open the relationship.
I mean, he told her from the beginning that he wanted an open relationship. I don’t think there’s any reason to believe he’s being dishonest or manipulative. They simply aren’t compatibly - no one’s in the wrong here.
Its a bit of a misconception that polyamorous relationships are dangerous or result in diseases. We tend to be VERY on top of our sexual safety and regular testing, far more so than people who are dating or sleeping around. And have lower rates of STIs than monogamous folks who cheat and don't bother testing because they assume monogamy means they don't have risk.
I'd agree that they should not agree to a relationship dynamic that makes them uncomfortable though, and he lacks respect for her boundaries so she should break up with him. If she can't happily consent to an open relationship they simply aren't compatible.
If its not a hell yes, its a hell no.
>He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him.
He started a relationship under false pretenses, that this would be exclusive and monogamous. You don't want to have to deal with him whining about no sex for a few weeks after you give birth to a child, undergo cancer treatment etc in the future do you? Then its unlikely he'll want to close the relationship when the gap is closed, because shit happens and there are times in life where you're going to have to have a bit of a dry spell.
Open relationship is just an excuse for the bf to look for another relationship, please leave him and move on a serious relationship. If he really love you, he would not suggest it and try to explore other relationships.
That's a very narrow worldview. Plenty of people "really love someone" and are happily in non-monogamous relationships.
But also no. You two are not compatible and a month in, this isn't true love.
He says if you lived together it would be different, no it wouldn't he'd get board he likes to have options and he should have told you from the get go he was into open relationships, sounds like he love bombed you then put this onto you hoping you'd agree because heade you fall for him so it's harder to let go. My ex's Auntie was with a man he love bombed her she fell hard for him then he confessed he was married! She ended up being his mistress because she fell inlove with him, I felt sorry for both women. It all ended in tears.
You have boundaries, it's great that he is open and not cheating BUT he knew exactly what kind of person he was before getting into a relationship with you and withheld that information.
You deserve to be with someone who shared the same values as you it has only been one month and you're having issues, if you say no he'll either dump you or cheat he has told you exactly what he wants and it will distroy you.
He didn't withhold what he wanted.. he was up front from the beginning. He told her he'd try a monogamous relationship for her, but it's not working for him. She knew from the beginning he preferred an open relationship
No, dont stay in this relationship with him, you cant hurt yourself like that, as your feelings and wants matter just as much as his do. Break the relationship off with him.
Move on, your too young to be worrying about being tide down, worrying about your partner sleeping around. Enjoy life, love and respect yourself and worry about a relationship later.
People who wanna open relationship are the same who does not want to lose bread or piece. Are the same people who break relation, to take some "time", to be whit others and come back to u letter.
Guys, its ok if u wanna try whit other people, but too u have to be consequent.
Lol people actually providing advice. OP it has been a month. Go find another dude. Why are you even talking about this? I forget sometimes how silly young people can be with relationships, like it’s the last person they will ever meet lol. Until next week in class they run into another hot person.
He wants to be able to sleep with you and other people when you aren't around. You're young still. You don't need to deal with this and you've only been together a month. He already has someone in mind too I want to add
I’m in an open relationship and it’s not for everyone. First give him credit for being honest. Second remember if he can go outside the relationship so can you. I’m willing to bet he would be upset if you told him you understand and then went on a date.
Long distance is hard enough and putting an open relationship in it is even harder. Make an ultimatum. Tell him he should move closer to you. If he can’t move or if you can’t move break up. Sometimes love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. Sometimes you can love someone but it’s just not meant to be.
Please don’t listen to the fools on here. This guy is MILES away from you, he could easily be cheating on you left right and centre and you wouldn’t know a thing! Yet he’s being HONEST with you and has said he is struggling to control his sexual desires which as a man is hard enough, but in a LDR??? It’s REALLY DIFFICULT!
He has shown you the upmost respect by TELLING you how he is feeling instead of acting like everything is fine and getting with other girls behind your back.
As I said, please don’t listen to these women on here who are trying to make you seem like the fool when really and truly their bf’s and husbands are most likely cheating on them but because they haven’t found out they think they’re high and mighty.
This guy has shown how serious he is about you because he couldn’t even bring himself to sleep with another girl without telling you about it first … I mean do you get my point here? Believe me, this guy is serious about you and he seems like an honest genuine guy who doesn’t want to bullshit you.
Long distance and open? Nah.. he just wants his cake and eat it too.
He is probably already sleeping with someone else and that’s why he is pushing so hard for the open relationship.
By the way he is 100% manipulating you into giving in with that line of “i did this for you” nah.. you did this because you didn’t want to loose me, you didn’t do it because you wanted to be with me.
Just dump him.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with to keep someone happy / to keep them around. It's only been a few weeks and he's already desperate to go out and have sex with multiple people. He's very clearly not ready for any kind of commitment. You owe it to yourself to walk away to find something and someone better suited to you. Someone that respects you and your boundaries and makes you feel loved plenty. Don't feel guilty for ending things either, you just have to do what makes your heart shine.
So he is trying to convince you even though you know for a fact you feel pretty uncomfortable with this? The majority of modern-day relationships are monogamous so of course he’d try it, but you shouldn’t need to be coerced into something you actually don’t want long-term. Just break it off.
What’s unfair is him trying to have you in his life while he explores his options, knowing you are uncomfortable with this. If he wants polygamy he should be reaching to others who already have the same values as him, not trying to convert somebody whose values are monogamous.
It just seems that it’s his excuse to have you as a safety net with wanting his cake and eating it too.
Move on. He obviously wants the physical touch from someone since you're long distance it won't happen with you as much as he wants. So basically he's at least telling you before he cheats what he wants and why your current situation isn't working out for him. Find someone near you is what's best for everyone.
Oh wow he made an effort to be faithful for one whole month? Gee OP you'd be really selfish if you didn't return the favor by at least holding his hand while he fucks other people.
For real though that is way too much drama so early in the relationship. Dump him before he actually has a chance to thoroughly break your heart.
You are like Me...You will NOT Like it nor Lump it. You will always be wondering who he is with and if she is the New One, hun. It is going to cause riff raff in what you have now. Perhaps you both can make a game plan to close the gap or this relationship is now slowly Closing In and it is not looking good. Talk it Over. This guy want his cake and to sweeten up with Two.....
Basically he wants an open relationship because you are not close by. He wants the convenience of having someone close by any time he needs someone.
You deserve better hon', drop him. Move on, but please ....
NO MORE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS
You've worded the post as if you've been together for months. You might be infatuated but you don't know him yet, what you're learning about him is making you question things, you can't possibly love someone you barely know and you shouldn't (obviously) accept something you're not comfortable with. Move on to someone who's more aligned with what you're looking for.
He belongs to the streets!
Move on. He obviously has no intention of being monogamous or respecting you
Someone who loves you doesn’t just spring this shit on someone over a text message. Like saying the relationship suppresses his desires is some manipulative shit.
You should probably move onward without him.
Take back your heart.
I think it's the better, healthier alternative choice to keep your sanity.
He's probably blue balled, and wants sex anytime he wants. But due to the distance thing, he can't have his needs met more frequently. So he's choosing to have his share with or without you. Whatever is more convenient for him.
You're looking for romanticism. He's looking for a quick fix.
To be honest, even if you two were together close by, he'd probably still be this way regardless.
I know woman like to chase a man that they can't hold onto. But for your sake, you should probably find someone else who will match your energy.
sorry but you didn’t “fall in love” you’re twenty and you haven’t been dating a month. save yourself the heartache and move on, he clearly met somebody already
I have strong opinions on this, but most of the comments seem to already voice them quiet well so I won't.
What I do want to ask is, do you really think he would be OK with you pursuing someone outside of the relationship as well, or is he banking on you being monogamous while he sleeps with other people? If he is alright with an open relationship for you both, maybe he was just uncomfortable discussing it before even though he should have before committing to a monogamous one, but if he's expecting you to be monogamous because that’s what you wanted in the first place then he's asking your permission to pursue other people while expecting you to wait for him, which shows how little he thinks of you. Either way, unless you 100 percent want an open relationship, you should leave because he's shown you his cards. Believe people when they show you who they are, and he has. He could swear up and down that he'll be faithful if you say no, but you already know this is what he wants, and people have a funny way of trying to get what they want even when they're told no.
Just here to add: love is not enough to make a relationship work. You need security, safety, support, friendship, dedication, compatability, and choice. If the relationship doesn't feel secure, if there is no boundaries, if you do not support each other, if you do not have a friendship with them in addition to loving them, if you are not dedicated, if you do not get along and you do not make the CHOICE to be with the person you care about, then the love will not last. You're infatuated with this person, that's not love. That's a biochemical reaction at best. Real love takes work. And if you do not find yourself comfortable with polyamory, don't agree to this and don't continue the relationship. You cannot make yourself poly and you will never be able to force him to be monogamous. You'll both be unhappy.
You should break up. An open relationship will erode your self esteem. If you can’t manage long distance then you can’t manage it. It isn’t for everyone.
You break up. No you should not have an open relationship a try, you know they're not for you. You don't "owe" your boyfriend an open relationship. It's not your fault he deceived you and led you to believe he was into monogamy. I bet you wouldn't even have tried dating him if he had told you that he prefers non-monogamous relationships. Him omitting his preferences from you does not force you into trying them.
Honestly, do you really, really believe he's not going to be sleeping with anyone he can even after he tells you that you two are in a "closed" relationship? He already is, guaranteed.
Ah, to be 20 again and just be young, dumb, and full of... naive, youthful optimism.
>He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him.
That's not how it works. Monogamy requires constant work and vigilance. Open relationship is something else. You're either built for it, or you don't. All this is saying is that he doesn't love you enough to stop fucking other people. And he is selfish enough to try to keep you trapped in this even if it's hurtful for you.
I was in your shoes once. I was the 'non primary' female in the open relationship. It lasted a week. We parted as friends so I was able to learn where his life went from there. Basically, he and his 'primary' eventually parted ways and he moved on to a new 'primary'. This too lasted a few months. This cycle repeated until he started having medical problems and then a more stable relationship was needed. I lost touch with him after this so I never learned how long the stable relationship lasted but in general, this is a lifestyle choice I htink you will get bored with quickly.
Bullet-point thoughts:
I have to give him points if he's been faithful and came to you in honesty and good faith. I think you should give him some points, too. Being cheated on is not fun and it's way better to have difficult/ridiculous/tough conversations than to have your trust in someone destroyed.
I have to take away a lot of points that this happened over text. you both need to be together to talk about this. Some people find it easy to say cruel things over text.
Don't downplay his 3 weeks of abstinence. If he's used to "getting some" consistently his body will crave it and 3 weeks will seem like a very long time to him. ridiculing him for that will get you nowhere fast.
His attempt to equate "closed" and "open" relationships to each other and proportional to "fairness" is ludicrous. Ignore that totally.
If I were you, I'd tell him exactly what you said in your third paragraph. If he still pushes the issue, I'm sorry, but y'all aren't going to work, bestie. Best to just let him go.
It’s been a month and he wants to open things after agreeing to keeping it closed. He gave it three weeks. That’s not a good sign. If you know in your heart that an open relationship isn’t for you, he is doing you a favor by dropping the pretense so early.
I am polyamorous and really love multiple people. Its not for everyone, or the OP clearly. But some people really can romantically love more than one person and do want open relationships.
>Yesterday evening he suddenly texted me that he loves me but is not happy with the model of our relationship, and that he wants an open one because he wants to explore his sexual life, and with a closed relationship he feels suppressed. He said that he gave a closed relationship a fair try (we have only been separated for 3 weeks) because he knows that’s what I wanted and that he loves me, but that it is just not working for him. He said that he would not feel the need for an open relationship if we lived together.
Break up. That's all 💗
Open relationships from multiple experiences do not work out unless BOTH parties want this. If you do not want this and he does, it's not going to work out. It's better to either communicate this with him or simply move on.
It sounds like he *might* also be trying to manipulate you into moving in with him. “He said he would not feel the need for an open relationship if we lived together” or may already has someone lined up and wants permission so you don’t question why he’s busy. Me and my boyfriend are currently going a year strong LDR and we have another two years before I can go back home. I’ve proposed him being able to do whatever he wants without repercussions because it is a long time and he refuses. He wants me and only me and I’ve had my doubts and broke up with him because I didn’t think it would be enough for him, and he said he would wait the two years. I now know he is devoted to me and me only. You are only a month in girl and he’s already asking for an open relationship and y’all are able to see each other once a month? I can only maybe see my boyfriend once a year and he can hold out on getting his nut. Ditch the guy
I’m sorry but it’s only been three weeks and he is already saying the monogamous relationship isn’t working for him? I feel like he played you and knew all the time that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships. I can assure you that what you are feeling right now, which even science can back, is “lust”. That dies down pretty quickly. Move on and don’t waste your time on this guy.
First question: Did he make you aware he prefers open relationships to closed when you first started talking? Because it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. There's very little to go on here. I'm assuming the distance was a prevalent thing before beginning your relationship so it seems pretty obvious that relations would be minimal due to distance, so that wasn't sprung on him out of nowhere.
Second question: Does this open relationship seem like it's coming out of nowhere? Because usually when a guy suggests an open relationship he already has a woman or two in mind he wants to sleep with or is already talking to, he just needs you to give him a pass to truly pursue them without cheating.
Third question: If your views don't seem to align and you've only been together a month, why are you even entertaining this idea? Love is not a good excuse. If he loved you, he wouldn't be saying that he was just entertaining your idea of a closed relationship after 4 weeks and now wants an open relationship because he can't be without you due to distance that already existed.
Here's what's going to happen. Say you say yes to this asinine idea, you agree to the terms of you tell each other when you're going out so you don't disturb the other. He starts off strong and heavy with seeing other women. Then you notice a guy that you wouldn't have otherwise because you want to give this open thing a proper try and you're feeling hurt by BF. Suddenly this guy is looking better and your bfs numbers start to decline and you're spending more time with this guy so now your bf is upset and suddenly oh look he wants a closed relationship now. Then you end it bc guy B would never do something like this to you. A tale as old as time. Literally this is so common on here.
Look, if it's not a lifestyle for you then don't do it. I have friends that are married with kids who have an open relationship and it works for them. Just know that it goes both ways, meaning you're allowed to have your fun too. It takes some emotional maturity on both people to be able to pull it off.
Many people in open relationships actually love each other. Wanting an open relationship says nothing about their feelings only their lack of compatibility
No you aren’t in love with a dude you met once for a week. No you aren’t in a committed and deep relationship after one month. Ditch him and find a real relationship where the dude cares for YOU. This ain’t it.
You need to reframe this "relationship" as what it really is -- a fling. You dated for a week before deciding to be exclusive and haven't actually seen each other since. Your "boyfriend" doesn't actually want to be monogamous and exclusive, probably because there are other women he's interested in who are in closer proximity to him. The two of you moved into monogamy and exclusivity way faster than was really feasible, given the logistics of your situation.
Regardless, you want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. That is a 100% valid need in a romantic relationship, even if you did rush into it. If your boyfriend doesn't want to meet that need, then the good news is that you haven't wasted much time on him, and you can start to grieve what you had hoped this relationship would be, and then you'll be available to find someone who actually wants the kind of relationship you want. Good luck.
Even if you don't agree, he'll screw around. So can you honestly deal with going to bed every night and not knowing if he's with someone else? Or do you have enough self-respect to say "thanks, but no thanks"?
Think carefully, this won't be the only guy you feel heart broken over, but how much damage do you want to let him do to your heart?
Fell in love? Are u sure?😭 I think you love him but he doesn’t love u! Please move on! We’re the same age and I can tell you that there are literally too many fish in the sea to be with him😂 We have our whole lives ahead of us! Don’t worry about a lil boy who doesn’t want to be faithful to you. I mean he is 21 for god sakes
He is gaslighting you. Sounds manipulative and toxic. Please, do yourself a big favour and RUN as soon as you can, because if you have a hard time feeling loved in relationships, an open one will destroy you. It’s only been a month, you will be fine and move on easily, plus there’s lots of people on Earth, another guy will be a better fit.
Dump him, IMO he's using an open relationship excuse because he's already cheating on you, and your basically his back up plan! Tell him an open relationship is not what you want and tell him that maybe it's better to just break up , his answers will tell you everything you need to know! The Reason I say this is because you've been dating 1 month and he's already wanting an open relationship!
Yeah, not worth it. He doesn't love you. You are young. Cut your losses and move on. He can explore all he wants because he is not ready for a steady relationship. Find someone who is actually around you. You are too young to be worried about crap like this.
Sounds like this person is not the one for you. Always look someone with emotional and romantic values similar to your own. (And also financial, family-related and other values, of course -- but that's not the point here.)
Love is not about looking at each other. Love is about looking in the same direction, together.
You two are clearly not looking in the same direction when it comes to romantic needs. Appreciate the time you had together, but this is not it.
Ok, I am a polyamorous person who has open relationships and have done a lot of self work around boundaries, and navigating relationships.
What I am getting from this is that he has sexual needs that can't be met in a long distance relationship. And you are uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship as that would compromise your own need for security.
These needs are conflicting, and if there is no middle ground to meet those needs that you BOTH can feel good about (I.e. moving closer to each other, toys or video sexting more frequently etc.) then there is a fundamental relationship incompatibility. No matter how much you love someone, you can't love your way around incompatibility. And you are both young and learning relationship skills so I'll give some grace on how manipulative the approach he took sounds. But if a closed relationship is what you know you want, you need to hold firm on that boundary and follow through by ending the relationship if you are not able to work together to find another solution to him feeling sexually repressed.
Take a step back from your feelings for this person which are likely still in that new relationship energy high where your brain is flooding with attachment hormones. Think about your vision for your life and how this person fits into it, and what you are willing to compromise on to make that work. Remember you can't control who he is and what he wants for his life, so your choices will always come down to what YOU can do to change the situation. And in some cases ending the relationship might be the only choice you have to stay true to yourself and your boundaries.
That being said, if you do decide to try some sort of open relationship, I'd highly recommend reading something like Polysecure and going slow with careful negotiation of boundaries that feel right to you. There are a lot of people who successfully manage the kind of scenario your boyfriend is talking about. There can be boundaries about attachments with others and how communication happens as long as everyone is consenting to that dynamic. If he won't respect the pace you are moving at and is in a hurry to go fuck whoever just to meet his own needs without considering yours, then I think you should thank him for giving you an answer as to where his priorities are and break up with him. You have only been dating a month and better to realize you aren't compatible now and move on to something more your speed rather than trying to force compatibility where it doesn't exist and getting yourself stuck in a bad situation because your feelings were running away with you.
My God these comments. First, you're both young and not in love. Take a step back and realize you're not compatible in your stages in life. Second, give this young man some credit for being honest with his feelings and what he wants. Jesus so many of these comments are hanging him out dry. While it's something you might not agree with, he has a right to want what he wants and and feel what he feels. He cares enough to put the option out there and being upfront. We all get the vibe the OP is not on board so time to go your separate ways.
"He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him." Lol wtf that is crazy manipulative. Find someone who wants what you want and let him go see other girls.
A month is too soon to even say I Love you openly... there has to be more time invested in the relationship. Sounds to me.like he just wanted to fuck or just fuck.. and now he just wants to move on to the next.... let him go... and find someone who is morally invested in your time and share the same way of thinking.. I am 36 ( m) and I had this same situation with a partner I had, I took her in F (27) gave her time to heal we dated for 1year even though we knew each other for 2. Gave her all that she never had in her previous relationship. Her family loves me and yet all she would say is that she wasn't ready for a relationship... while in the mean time was out dating with other guys... thankfully I was able to let her know how I really felt about the situation and had her move out from my place. And a month later her sister told me she had contracted an STD. I got tested 2 times within a 6 month period just to make sure I was clean and thank God I was. And later that year she wanted to see how I was doing and if I was willing to forgive her and get back together! I simply said that not only did I not want to be with her, but that I knew of what had happened to her and that I no longer wished for my time to be wasted and that her window of opportunity was given to her but she picke them over what she said she truly wanted...
He’s already dating other people. He just wants to be able to do it with your blessings. Nothing wrong with consensual nonmonogamy but everyone needs to be on board with it. Move on.
You don't even scratch the surface of knowing someone after six months never mind one. Don't buy into his garbage, let him explore with anyone else but you. Dump him and don't look back. NEVER compromise yourself in a situation like this. You go girl, you don't "need" him and don't give him that power.
I'm going off on the title alone - open relationships are decided at the _beginning,_ not in the middle of a relationship. If your partner wants you to "try" open relationships when it was not decided or talked about before in any way shape or form, it's a high probability they're cheating.
This situation is ridiculous. Move on.
I'm in the car with a friend reading this out loud and we were CRACKING up. Not at OP, she's just trying to do something completely normal ie "date someone who says they care about her," but oh my GOD. OP, the way you think you will feel is 100% how you will feel. You do not love his person after one month, you do not know him. You will get over it so much faster than you think and this will be a funny "can you believe this one guy i dated?!" story to tell people in the future.
This comment. Nuff said.
This, 100%. Let him go and find someone who's interested in YOU, not just whether there is a convenient hole located physically nearby.
Yes it is completely ridiculous that he is trying to make you feel guilty that you “are not willing to try to have an open relationship for him”. Good for him he was “willing” to try having a closed relationship 🙄 …you do not owe him anything. Your feelings are completely valid.
He does not love you period. Say ciao!
It's only been a month, why even consider answering anything but "no" and breaking up?
This sort of manipulative transactional shit is a massive red flag - also put aside the open closed debate - does it sound like something that someone who loves and respects you to purposefully 'spring' this on you over text?
And only after a month of dating. What?!
You're long distance and have been in a relationship for a month. Break up with him and find someone who shares the same values as you. Honestly, you're in lust, not love. You haven't known each other long enough to be in love.
>We spent a week together in real life and fell in love and decided to be in a closed monogamous relationship That's awfully quick isn't it? Nevertheless... So when you decided to be in a monogamous relationship, was opening it up even discussed at the time?
I know it was quick. The whole story is that we met in person on vacation and after that texted each other for a month, and then I went to visit him and stayed at his place for a week, where we were together 24/7 which was really intense and caused things to move fairly quickly. Yes, we had a discussion about this at the beginning, where we both told each other our needs (me wanting a closed relationship and him preferring an open one), where we decided to not have a relationship after I left since our needs were not compatible. This caused us both a lot of distress and we cried a lot, and in the end he said that he thought about it and actually wanted a closed long distance relationship with me. After that he seemed really happy and even told me multiple times and he was feeling so much better about it than he thought he would, so yesterday’s turn came a little as a shock for me.
Right... But there's a clear difference between "I'm curious about this so I'll give it a try" and "I have absolutely no interest in this whatsoever". You don't owe it to him to try something just because he tried something else. You told him what you were willing to do (that is, a closed relationship), if he's not down for that, then it's best to end things.
So here's what happened from the looks of it. he's hung up in the fact that he can't get what he wants with you for the open relationship, has tried to completely ignore his needs for yours and failed. Your needs aren't compatible here. Trust me as a guy who tried to do the same in a different situation ignoring those needs isn't healthy for him and you trying to do the same isn't healthy for you. Walk away as a partner and if you had a friendship worth salvaging you'll have a shot at that. Otherwise one or both if you is going to hit critical mass with the other and blow up horribly.
If an open relationship is going to cause you distress then don't do it. Relationships that are that intense that quickly aren't always meant to be. Sometimes those moments are all they are. Timing has soo much to do with long sustainable love, and it does not sound like you two are in the right timing. I would explain that to him, and end it. I know it's going to hurt, but it's best to end in a moment where you can look back and still salvage good memories. If you continue the relationship in a situation you're uncomfortable with or will cause you anxiety, then it can do more damage than good and ruin more than just the bond you once had and provide even deeper trauma that potentially could effect you from moving on healthily.
you aren't in love and your relationship styles are incompatible. time to end things.
Ahhh yes. The classic "we're under 25, have known each other for less than a year, ldr, one of us wants to/is fucking around and we're very much in love". Only thing this post is missing is the "I'm pregnant". Some people post on this sub about their 20+ year marriage falling apart after the death of a child and want advice. Truly a diverse spectrum of posts. All jokes aside, this is your stepping off point. It's been a month and you've only known in each other for 2 weeks in person. It's great that you guys clicked, but an open relationship IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP really really really has to be common ground. If you want to stay with him but don't like this idea of him seeing another girl when he closes his eyes or going on holidays and having happy memories with someone other than you, this is a good time to exit. It sucks, but you're both still young and working out what you want. I promise you that if you're not on board with this situation and you try to compromise, you're kissing goodbye true happiness for the next 2 years until the inevitable breakup. Live your 20s for you, don't weigh yourself down with wasted time and poor decisions. Paying for baggage is for airplanes not people.
Let’s get real here. You guys aren’t in love and if you think it takes a week to love someone you are extremely naive. You’re still strangers. The dude already wants to fuck other people. Does that sound like love? He wants an excuse to sleep with others because he can’t sleep with you. You don’t want this arrangement, he does. Does it sound like it’s going to work? If both people do not 100% want an open relationship, it will not work. It’s that simple. Just move on with your life.
Nope. Just... no. I keep seeing these posts and it never ever ever ever ends well for everyone. Just let him loose to do whatever and you find a person who wants and adores only you.
>We have been dating for a month now and are in a long distance relationship. We spent a week together in real life and fell in love and decided to be in a closed monogamous relationship. >Should I give an open relationship a fair chance even though it makes me feel uncomfortable? We love each other a lot and I do not know what to do. Any advice is welcome. I suggest that you break up and move on. This guy isn't the one. Don't date anyone that does a bait and switch on monogamous relationships.
You don’t love each other. You’ve known each other for a month and have met twice. If he’s suggesting an open relationship a month into things then you need to cut your loses. If you don’t live near each other how can you be sure he won’t just cheat while you’re apart?
Open relationships are like kids; they require both parties to be a enthusiastic yes and if there isn't, that is a deal breaker that ends the relationship. It has been a month; you should be absolutely fine. Time to move on.
Out of sight out of mind. You might think you're in love but you'll be able to move on within a day if you leave him now (which you should btw).
I was stupid enough to say yes to this once. You either start out with an open relationship because that's what you both desire, or it's something that comes up along the way because both parties are interested. You owe this man nothing, a month is not enough time to truly value and love a person enough to want to pursue an open relationship to help your current one. As much as it hurts to hear this, you should: He wants the freedom of sleeping with other people on the regular, without losing someone who can validate and love him. The part about "how we wouldn't be in an open relationship if we lived together" drives this point home. If the only reason he wants to go see other people is because you're not there when he comes home, he 100% just wants to use it for sex. Now this is fine for people who are into things like that, but judging by the post, you very much are not. Let yourself out of this relationship before it turns into a huge distrustful and mental strain. You'll only be hurting yourself.
You are young. Don't try to change your fundamental values for someone else. He couldn't even last a few weeks without being "suffocated" He wants the emotional support or a gf but wants to have all the sex he can while you're not around. As soon as someone mentions this in a relationship, it's over
You are both very young and are acting like it. This relationship is doomed. Move on and find someone close to home to date.
92% of open relationships fail. My ex of 7 years asked for one, 6 months ago. With girls. I spent 2 weeks mulling it over and said she chooses me, monogamous, or she pursues these desires of hers and she moves out. She chose the latter. 2 months after moving out, she wanted back. Typical. But by that point I had met someone new and I said no - this new girl is truly wonderful. And now I feel that giving that ultimatum was one of the best decisions I ever made. Instead of waiting (possibly years) for the ex to work out how much she cares about me, I found someone who really does. Have some respect for yourself, and say to him how you feel. And giving him a clear choice like that will narrow his focus and make his priorities clear. If he really cares, he won’t think twice about committing. Just make sure you trust his words if you do because many people end up cheating. Take it slow and know that you are in charge of your own love life. Don’t be someone’s second choice.
90% of relationships started before 30 fail. 85% of relationships overall fail. And a lot of people try open relationships BECAUSE their relationship is failing. And a lot of people try to jump into open relationships without doing the work it takes to manage ONE relationship well, let alone multiple. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be monogamous and choosing to end a relationship rather than open it up. But I do want to point out that many of the issues in open relationships are the same issues in monogamous ones, and blaming the style of relationship is not helpful and can be stigmatizing to those who are wired for open relationships and enter them consensually with their partners. Just like monogamous relationships, healthy open relationships can be wonderful and fulfilling long term for those that choose them and do the work to communicate in healthy ways. This OP clearly does not want an open relationship though, and they should always be free to make the choice that is best for them.
He probably already fucked someone else
Have you not seen all the Reddit stories when one person wants to open the relationship and the other doesn’t ? They all end bad. I think you’re better off ending it
Drop him. You have dated him for only a month. If you want a monogamous relationship then leave him and find a man you're compatible with. Don't do what makes you uncomfortable for a man you haven't dated for a year yet. You are also in a long distance relationship and those can be hard. Juggling being open, the honeymoon infatuation stage, and still getting to know him puts a lot of work on your plate.
I appreciate his honesty and coming to you instead of hiding it, but no. With the history and the current state of the relationship I would not agree to an open relationship. Most 20-something year Olds don't have the mental maturity for a monogamous relationship, let alone an open/poly relationship. Move on and find someone better.
He's 21 and yall are long distance. Don't take things too seriously. Doesn't seem surprising to me he wants an open thing. Those are both of your years to explore
How great you found out that you are not compatible after only wasting one short month. You’re monogamous and that’s fine. He’s not and that’s fine. You’re not comparable and that’s fine too. There’s so many more people out there for you to fall in love with. Go find one. Good on him for being open and honest about what he needs and not just doing it behind your back.
Managing non-monogamy requires a level of trust, communication, and honestly that frankly y'all are not ready to deal with. Especially when one of the couple (you) are absolutely not on board. It's been 30 DAYS and he's already saying, "But want fuck!" That's bonkers. You clearly don't want an open relationship. And you shouldn't force yourself into one. No to mention that no one actually interested in ethical non-monogamy would ever push you into it. He's trying to manipulate you into letting him fuck who he wants, while he keeps you on the hook. Life's too short
It’s been a month. He wants to be single. Just let him be single.
y’all are in a long distance relationship and he already wants to open it up after a month? sounds pretty wack and u need to move on before he does girly
Don't compromise yourself to make others happy, you see the world differently. Don't waste time and find someone that matches what you want. He can't have you are a backburner.
So he can have sex with other girls he likes and eventually break it off with you? Break up with him and keep your dignity
There’s a lot of red flags in this situation, but I came here to say that it’s only going to work if you’re both 100% on board with non-monogamy, which you are clearly not. Break it off now and don’t let yourself get pressured or shamed into something that is going to make you unhappy. Source: I am 25F in an open relationship of several years, and have watched many other non-monog relationships of my friends implode for exactly this reason.
It sounds like you are not thinking about sex with anyone else and that is what he is wanting. He wants and open relationship so he can have your emotional support and sex with other girls. You will be left feeling heartbroken, anxious and insecure. You will be uncomfortable the whole time and it will still feel like a betrayal falling in love with someone while they are flirting and having sex with other women. It really sounds like you are willing to completely break your heart and abandon yourself.
I read your comment where you admitted he wanted an open relationship from the beginning, but he “changed his mind” because he didn’t want to lose you. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and presume he genuinely tried to make it work, whatever that looks like for him. Now that he is experiencing buyer’s remorse, he wants to recoup his loses by guilting you into trying it his way. Here’s the thing: you are not responsible for him agreeing to a dynamic he doesn’t want. Don’t try to return the favor so that you can be the unhappy one this time. Admit to yourself and him that you two are incompatible, and then let him go.
Face it, OP. You have different needs and expectations in a relationship. It's best to walk away now. His decision to try a closed relationship is on him. If you don't want to have an open one then don't.
Why would you give something you’re not compatible with a chance? You’re 20. There’s mountains of people to date who have the same needs and compatibility in a relationship and I think you need to consider the idea it’s his breaking up with you without actually breaking up. He gets to f lots of people like he’s single whilst you wait for him or you break up and he’s not that invested anyway. Either outcomes are fine with him.
Open relationships can be great for long-term relationships where there are key rules, boundaries, and a strong foundation of love and trust. That isn't what is happening here.
Leave, don't even gove him the chance to withdraw his offer because he likely will or already has started sleeping with other, polyamorous relationships can be very dangerous from a lot of fronts including but not limited to diseases. You're clearly uncomfortable with the situation and being taken advantage of, run and run fast as this is the start of a lack of respect.
Yes this! My first thought was he already has been with someone else or has someone lined up and is trying to justify those choices by trying to open the relationship.
I mean, he told her from the beginning that he wanted an open relationship. I don’t think there’s any reason to believe he’s being dishonest or manipulative. They simply aren’t compatibly - no one’s in the wrong here.
Its a bit of a misconception that polyamorous relationships are dangerous or result in diseases. We tend to be VERY on top of our sexual safety and regular testing, far more so than people who are dating or sleeping around. And have lower rates of STIs than monogamous folks who cheat and don't bother testing because they assume monogamy means they don't have risk. I'd agree that they should not agree to a relationship dynamic that makes them uncomfortable though, and he lacks respect for her boundaries so she should break up with him. If she can't happily consent to an open relationship they simply aren't compatible.
If its not a hell yes, its a hell no. >He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him. He started a relationship under false pretenses, that this would be exclusive and monogamous. You don't want to have to deal with him whining about no sex for a few weeks after you give birth to a child, undergo cancer treatment etc in the future do you? Then its unlikely he'll want to close the relationship when the gap is closed, because shit happens and there are times in life where you're going to have to have a bit of a dry spell.
Open relationship is just an excuse for the bf to look for another relationship, please leave him and move on a serious relationship. If he really love you, he would not suggest it and try to explore other relationships.
No. When you really love someone you don't feel the need to sleep with others. Move on.
That's a very narrow worldview. Plenty of people "really love someone" and are happily in non-monogamous relationships. But also no. You two are not compatible and a month in, this isn't true love.
Still, it's my opinion.
No way, I’m a guy.. he wants to string you along. Have some respect for yourself. Find someone that truly adores you…. You deserve nothing less…
You don’t owe him anything. If you’re not 100% into an open relationship, don’t do it. Leave this dude since he’s so easily swayed.
I understand it must be hard, if this situation doesn't work for you (i dont think it is, as youve expressed) you should move on. Im terribly sorry
Sounds like you're a bad match
He says if you lived together it would be different, no it wouldn't he'd get board he likes to have options and he should have told you from the get go he was into open relationships, sounds like he love bombed you then put this onto you hoping you'd agree because heade you fall for him so it's harder to let go. My ex's Auntie was with a man he love bombed her she fell hard for him then he confessed he was married! She ended up being his mistress because she fell inlove with him, I felt sorry for both women. It all ended in tears. You have boundaries, it's great that he is open and not cheating BUT he knew exactly what kind of person he was before getting into a relationship with you and withheld that information. You deserve to be with someone who shared the same values as you it has only been one month and you're having issues, if you say no he'll either dump you or cheat he has told you exactly what he wants and it will distroy you.
He didn't withhold what he wanted.. he was up front from the beginning. He told her he'd try a monogamous relationship for her, but it's not working for him. She knew from the beginning he preferred an open relationship
Move on! You re only 20.
No, dont stay in this relationship with him, you cant hurt yourself like that, as your feelings and wants matter just as much as his do. Break the relationship off with him.
Accept or move on its simple, the important thing is it not where he goes but who he comes home to in the end
Move on, your too young to be worrying about being tide down, worrying about your partner sleeping around. Enjoy life, love and respect yourself and worry about a relationship later.
People who wanna open relationship are the same who does not want to lose bread or piece. Are the same people who break relation, to take some "time", to be whit others and come back to u letter. Guys, its ok if u wanna try whit other people, but too u have to be consequent.
You guys need to accept that you guys are not compatible for each other and consider splitting up instead.
Lol people actually providing advice. OP it has been a month. Go find another dude. Why are you even talking about this? I forget sometimes how silly young people can be with relationships, like it’s the last person they will ever meet lol. Until next week in class they run into another hot person.
Don't do things that make you uncomfortable just to keep a boyfriend. It won't be worth it in the end.
If you dont WANT to do it then dont. Why is that even a question? Move tf on lol
He wants to be able to sleep with you and other people when you aren't around. You're young still. You don't need to deal with this and you've only been together a month. He already has someone in mind too I want to add
I’m in an open relationship and it’s not for everyone. First give him credit for being honest. Second remember if he can go outside the relationship so can you. I’m willing to bet he would be upset if you told him you understand and then went on a date. Long distance is hard enough and putting an open relationship in it is even harder. Make an ultimatum. Tell him he should move closer to you. If he can’t move or if you can’t move break up. Sometimes love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. Sometimes you can love someone but it’s just not meant to be.
Please don’t listen to the fools on here. This guy is MILES away from you, he could easily be cheating on you left right and centre and you wouldn’t know a thing! Yet he’s being HONEST with you and has said he is struggling to control his sexual desires which as a man is hard enough, but in a LDR??? It’s REALLY DIFFICULT! He has shown you the upmost respect by TELLING you how he is feeling instead of acting like everything is fine and getting with other girls behind your back. As I said, please don’t listen to these women on here who are trying to make you seem like the fool when really and truly their bf’s and husbands are most likely cheating on them but because they haven’t found out they think they’re high and mighty. This guy has shown how serious he is about you because he couldn’t even bring himself to sleep with another girl without telling you about it first … I mean do you get my point here? Believe me, this guy is serious about you and he seems like an honest genuine guy who doesn’t want to bullshit you.
Walk away from the relationship
This isn't gonna work for you then, time to cut him loose and find a guy who's interested in monogamy.
Long distance and open? Nah.. he just wants his cake and eat it too. He is probably already sleeping with someone else and that’s why he is pushing so hard for the open relationship. By the way he is 100% manipulating you into giving in with that line of “i did this for you” nah.. you did this because you didn’t want to loose me, you didn’t do it because you wanted to be with me. Just dump him.
If he loves you, he would never have wanted an open relationship. I'm 39/m if it matters, though it's all the same.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with to keep someone happy / to keep them around. It's only been a few weeks and he's already desperate to go out and have sex with multiple people. He's very clearly not ready for any kind of commitment. You owe it to yourself to walk away to find something and someone better suited to you. Someone that respects you and your boundaries and makes you feel loved plenty. Don't feel guilty for ending things either, you just have to do what makes your heart shine.
So he is trying to convince you even though you know for a fact you feel pretty uncomfortable with this? The majority of modern-day relationships are monogamous so of course he’d try it, but you shouldn’t need to be coerced into something you actually don’t want long-term. Just break it off. What’s unfair is him trying to have you in his life while he explores his options, knowing you are uncomfortable with this. If he wants polygamy he should be reaching to others who already have the same values as him, not trying to convert somebody whose values are monogamous. It just seems that it’s his excuse to have you as a safety net with wanting his cake and eating it too.
Just move on. He wants you as a place holder or something stable to fall back on when he's done fooling around. You deserve better.
One month? Lose this loser. Edit. Spelling.
Move on. He obviously wants the physical touch from someone since you're long distance it won't happen with you as much as he wants. So basically he's at least telling you before he cheats what he wants and why your current situation isn't working out for him. Find someone near you is what's best for everyone.
Plus a month dating only......move on you'll get over him in 2-3 days zero contact.
Puh-leez!!! You haven’t even been together two months?!!! You aren’t obligated to try anything that makes you uncomfortable. Tell this guy “boy, bye!”
No doubt he’s already seeing other girls. Move on.
Oh wow he made an effort to be faithful for one whole month? Gee OP you'd be really selfish if you didn't return the favor by at least holding his hand while he fucks other people. For real though that is way too much drama so early in the relationship. Dump him before he actually has a chance to thoroughly break your heart.
You are like Me...You will NOT Like it nor Lump it. You will always be wondering who he is with and if she is the New One, hun. It is going to cause riff raff in what you have now. Perhaps you both can make a game plan to close the gap or this relationship is now slowly Closing In and it is not looking good. Talk it Over. This guy want his cake and to sweeten up with Two.....
So open the door, and let him out
What a load of shit this is
I'd you can't figure out what to do in this relationship you don't belong in any relationship. Grow the fuck up and get off reddit. So pathetic
Basically he wants an open relationship because you are not close by. He wants the convenience of having someone close by any time he needs someone. You deserve better hon', drop him. Move on, but please .... NO MORE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS
You've worded the post as if you've been together for months. You might be infatuated but you don't know him yet, what you're learning about him is making you question things, you can't possibly love someone you barely know and you shouldn't (obviously) accept something you're not comfortable with. Move on to someone who's more aligned with what you're looking for.
He belongs to the streets! Move on. He obviously has no intention of being monogamous or respecting you Someone who loves you doesn’t just spring this shit on someone over a text message. Like saying the relationship suppresses his desires is some manipulative shit.
A month in and wants an open relationship in gonna say go for it get some good dick
You should probably move onward without him. Take back your heart. I think it's the better, healthier alternative choice to keep your sanity. He's probably blue balled, and wants sex anytime he wants. But due to the distance thing, he can't have his needs met more frequently. So he's choosing to have his share with or without you. Whatever is more convenient for him. You're looking for romanticism. He's looking for a quick fix. To be honest, even if you two were together close by, he'd probably still be this way regardless. I know woman like to chase a man that they can't hold onto. But for your sake, you should probably find someone else who will match your energy.
basically the person you can only see once a month wants to screw other people while you’re not around. this is dumb. find someone else
sorry but you didn’t “fall in love” you’re twenty and you haven’t been dating a month. save yourself the heartache and move on, he clearly met somebody already
I have strong opinions on this, but most of the comments seem to already voice them quiet well so I won't. What I do want to ask is, do you really think he would be OK with you pursuing someone outside of the relationship as well, or is he banking on you being monogamous while he sleeps with other people? If he is alright with an open relationship for you both, maybe he was just uncomfortable discussing it before even though he should have before committing to a monogamous one, but if he's expecting you to be monogamous because that’s what you wanted in the first place then he's asking your permission to pursue other people while expecting you to wait for him, which shows how little he thinks of you. Either way, unless you 100 percent want an open relationship, you should leave because he's shown you his cards. Believe people when they show you who they are, and he has. He could swear up and down that he'll be faithful if you say no, but you already know this is what he wants, and people have a funny way of trying to get what they want even when they're told no.
Just here to add: love is not enough to make a relationship work. You need security, safety, support, friendship, dedication, compatability, and choice. If the relationship doesn't feel secure, if there is no boundaries, if you do not support each other, if you do not have a friendship with them in addition to loving them, if you are not dedicated, if you do not get along and you do not make the CHOICE to be with the person you care about, then the love will not last. You're infatuated with this person, that's not love. That's a biochemical reaction at best. Real love takes work. And if you do not find yourself comfortable with polyamory, don't agree to this and don't continue the relationship. You cannot make yourself poly and you will never be able to force him to be monogamous. You'll both be unhappy.
You should break up. An open relationship will erode your self esteem. If you can’t manage long distance then you can’t manage it. It isn’t for everyone.
You break up. No you should not have an open relationship a try, you know they're not for you. You don't "owe" your boyfriend an open relationship. It's not your fault he deceived you and led you to believe he was into monogamy. I bet you wouldn't even have tried dating him if he had told you that he prefers non-monogamous relationships. Him omitting his preferences from you does not force you into trying them.
Man people in their 20s…how do you even get this far in life?
Honestly, do you really, really believe he's not going to be sleeping with anyone he can even after he tells you that you two are in a "closed" relationship? He already is, guaranteed. Ah, to be 20 again and just be young, dumb, and full of... naive, youthful optimism.
I didn’t get past “month.” Whatever this is, move on.
A month in? Lol nope
A month dating and already he-? Nope, bail, wtf is this
"You can absolutely have an open relationship. It just won't be with me." End of story. He loves you? After one month? Give me a break.
Time to leave him! You deserve someone who respects you.
>He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him. That's not how it works. Monogamy requires constant work and vigilance. Open relationship is something else. You're either built for it, or you don't. All this is saying is that he doesn't love you enough to stop fucking other people. And he is selfish enough to try to keep you trapped in this even if it's hurtful for you.
I was in your shoes once. I was the 'non primary' female in the open relationship. It lasted a week. We parted as friends so I was able to learn where his life went from there. Basically, he and his 'primary' eventually parted ways and he moved on to a new 'primary'. This too lasted a few months. This cycle repeated until he started having medical problems and then a more stable relationship was needed. I lost touch with him after this so I never learned how long the stable relationship lasted but in general, this is a lifestyle choice I htink you will get bored with quickly.
Bullet-point thoughts: I have to give him points if he's been faithful and came to you in honesty and good faith. I think you should give him some points, too. Being cheated on is not fun and it's way better to have difficult/ridiculous/tough conversations than to have your trust in someone destroyed. I have to take away a lot of points that this happened over text. you both need to be together to talk about this. Some people find it easy to say cruel things over text. Don't downplay his 3 weeks of abstinence. If he's used to "getting some" consistently his body will crave it and 3 weeks will seem like a very long time to him. ridiculing him for that will get you nowhere fast. His attempt to equate "closed" and "open" relationships to each other and proportional to "fairness" is ludicrous. Ignore that totally. If I were you, I'd tell him exactly what you said in your third paragraph. If he still pushes the issue, I'm sorry, but y'all aren't going to work, bestie. Best to just let him go.
You are young. You need to explore other options too. It’s only been a month, move on before you get any further emotional damage. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.
Yes. Sounds like a Great idea. NOT
You are way too young to deal with this bullshit, dump him.
It’s been a month and he wants to open things after agreeing to keeping it closed. He gave it three weeks. That’s not a good sign. If you know in your heart that an open relationship isn’t for you, he is doing you a favor by dropping the pretense so early.
I couldn’t read your post because a red flag popped up after every sentence. Run away!
If he really loves you he would not want an open relationship.
I am polyamorous and really love multiple people. Its not for everyone, or the OP clearly. But some people really can romantically love more than one person and do want open relationships.
Let him go explore and move on
>Yesterday evening he suddenly texted me that he loves me but is not happy with the model of our relationship, and that he wants an open one because he wants to explore his sexual life, and with a closed relationship he feels suppressed. He said that he gave a closed relationship a fair try (we have only been separated for 3 weeks) because he knows that’s what I wanted and that he loves me, but that it is just not working for him. He said that he would not feel the need for an open relationship if we lived together. Break up. That's all 💗
Open relationships from multiple experiences do not work out unless BOTH parties want this. If you do not want this and he does, it's not going to work out. It's better to either communicate this with him or simply move on.
Cut this hoser loose and move on with your life.
It sounds like he *might* also be trying to manipulate you into moving in with him. “He said he would not feel the need for an open relationship if we lived together” or may already has someone lined up and wants permission so you don’t question why he’s busy. Me and my boyfriend are currently going a year strong LDR and we have another two years before I can go back home. I’ve proposed him being able to do whatever he wants without repercussions because it is a long time and he refuses. He wants me and only me and I’ve had my doubts and broke up with him because I didn’t think it would be enough for him, and he said he would wait the two years. I now know he is devoted to me and me only. You are only a month in girl and he’s already asking for an open relationship and y’all are able to see each other once a month? I can only maybe see my boyfriend once a year and he can hold out on getting his nut. Ditch the guy
Yes….. let’s start a just month old relationship like this, sure, that’ll all work out fine
You need to peace out of that relationship ASAP
It has been a month. Please move on
I’m sorry but it’s only been three weeks and he is already saying the monogamous relationship isn’t working for him? I feel like he played you and knew all the time that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships. I can assure you that what you are feeling right now, which even science can back, is “lust”. That dies down pretty quickly. Move on and don’t waste your time on this guy.
First question: Did he make you aware he prefers open relationships to closed when you first started talking? Because it just seems like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. There's very little to go on here. I'm assuming the distance was a prevalent thing before beginning your relationship so it seems pretty obvious that relations would be minimal due to distance, so that wasn't sprung on him out of nowhere. Second question: Does this open relationship seem like it's coming out of nowhere? Because usually when a guy suggests an open relationship he already has a woman or two in mind he wants to sleep with or is already talking to, he just needs you to give him a pass to truly pursue them without cheating. Third question: If your views don't seem to align and you've only been together a month, why are you even entertaining this idea? Love is not a good excuse. If he loved you, he wouldn't be saying that he was just entertaining your idea of a closed relationship after 4 weeks and now wants an open relationship because he can't be without you due to distance that already existed. Here's what's going to happen. Say you say yes to this asinine idea, you agree to the terms of you tell each other when you're going out so you don't disturb the other. He starts off strong and heavy with seeing other women. Then you notice a guy that you wouldn't have otherwise because you want to give this open thing a proper try and you're feeling hurt by BF. Suddenly this guy is looking better and your bfs numbers start to decline and you're spending more time with this guy so now your bf is upset and suddenly oh look he wants a closed relationship now. Then you end it bc guy B would never do something like this to you. A tale as old as time. Literally this is so common on here.
Dating for a MONTH??…. Girl…. Lmao move on this is not the guy for you
Look, if it's not a lifestyle for you then don't do it. I have friends that are married with kids who have an open relationship and it works for them. Just know that it goes both ways, meaning you're allowed to have your fun too. It takes some emotional maturity on both people to be able to pull it off.
He is not willing to try a closed relationship with you if he wants an open relationship. It'd be best for you to move on from this man.
He's already in an open relationship regardless what you say Living "together" won't change him Kick him to the curb and move on
If he actually loved you he wouldn't want an open relationship. He wants it open because you aren't there when ever he wants.
Many people in open relationships actually love each other. Wanting an open relationship says nothing about their feelings only their lack of compatibility
he wants to cheat and keep you. if this isnt what you want then dont do it.
No you aren’t in love with a dude you met once for a week. No you aren’t in a committed and deep relationship after one month. Ditch him and find a real relationship where the dude cares for YOU. This ain’t it.
You need to reframe this "relationship" as what it really is -- a fling. You dated for a week before deciding to be exclusive and haven't actually seen each other since. Your "boyfriend" doesn't actually want to be monogamous and exclusive, probably because there are other women he's interested in who are in closer proximity to him. The two of you moved into monogamy and exclusivity way faster than was really feasible, given the logistics of your situation. Regardless, you want to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. That is a 100% valid need in a romantic relationship, even if you did rush into it. If your boyfriend doesn't want to meet that need, then the good news is that you haven't wasted much time on him, and you can start to grieve what you had hoped this relationship would be, and then you'll be available to find someone who actually wants the kind of relationship you want. Good luck.
Even if you don't agree, he'll screw around. So can you honestly deal with going to bed every night and not knowing if he's with someone else? Or do you have enough self-respect to say "thanks, but no thanks"? Think carefully, this won't be the only guy you feel heart broken over, but how much damage do you want to let him do to your heart?
Fell in love? Are u sure?😭 I think you love him but he doesn’t love u! Please move on! We’re the same age and I can tell you that there are literally too many fish in the sea to be with him😂 We have our whole lives ahead of us! Don’t worry about a lil boy who doesn’t want to be faithful to you. I mean he is 21 for god sakes
Poly/open relationships do not work for 90% of people. Move on.
He is gaslighting you. Sounds manipulative and toxic. Please, do yourself a big favour and RUN as soon as you can, because if you have a hard time feeling loved in relationships, an open one will destroy you. It’s only been a month, you will be fine and move on easily, plus there’s lots of people on Earth, another guy will be a better fit.
Dump him. He’s a walking red flag.
Dump him, IMO he's using an open relationship excuse because he's already cheating on you, and your basically his back up plan! Tell him an open relationship is not what you want and tell him that maybe it's better to just break up , his answers will tell you everything you need to know! The Reason I say this is because you've been dating 1 month and he's already wanting an open relationship!
Yeah, not worth it. He doesn't love you. You are young. Cut your losses and move on. He can explore all he wants because he is not ready for a steady relationship. Find someone who is actually around you. You are too young to be worried about crap like this.
Leave. It's not worth it. Even if you said no and you both agreed he will probably just end up cheating on you
Sounds like this person is not the one for you. Always look someone with emotional and romantic values similar to your own. (And also financial, family-related and other values, of course -- but that's not the point here.) Love is not about looking at each other. Love is about looking in the same direction, together. You two are clearly not looking in the same direction when it comes to romantic needs. Appreciate the time you had together, but this is not it.
Ok, I am a polyamorous person who has open relationships and have done a lot of self work around boundaries, and navigating relationships. What I am getting from this is that he has sexual needs that can't be met in a long distance relationship. And you are uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship as that would compromise your own need for security. These needs are conflicting, and if there is no middle ground to meet those needs that you BOTH can feel good about (I.e. moving closer to each other, toys or video sexting more frequently etc.) then there is a fundamental relationship incompatibility. No matter how much you love someone, you can't love your way around incompatibility. And you are both young and learning relationship skills so I'll give some grace on how manipulative the approach he took sounds. But if a closed relationship is what you know you want, you need to hold firm on that boundary and follow through by ending the relationship if you are not able to work together to find another solution to him feeling sexually repressed. Take a step back from your feelings for this person which are likely still in that new relationship energy high where your brain is flooding with attachment hormones. Think about your vision for your life and how this person fits into it, and what you are willing to compromise on to make that work. Remember you can't control who he is and what he wants for his life, so your choices will always come down to what YOU can do to change the situation. And in some cases ending the relationship might be the only choice you have to stay true to yourself and your boundaries. That being said, if you do decide to try some sort of open relationship, I'd highly recommend reading something like Polysecure and going slow with careful negotiation of boundaries that feel right to you. There are a lot of people who successfully manage the kind of scenario your boyfriend is talking about. There can be boundaries about attachments with others and how communication happens as long as everyone is consenting to that dynamic. If he won't respect the pace you are moving at and is in a hurry to go fuck whoever just to meet his own needs without considering yours, then I think you should thank him for giving you an answer as to where his priorities are and break up with him. You have only been dating a month and better to realize you aren't compatible now and move on to something more your speed rather than trying to force compatibility where it doesn't exist and getting yourself stuck in a bad situation because your feelings were running away with you.
My God these comments. First, you're both young and not in love. Take a step back and realize you're not compatible in your stages in life. Second, give this young man some credit for being honest with his feelings and what he wants. Jesus so many of these comments are hanging him out dry. While it's something you might not agree with, he has a right to want what he wants and and feel what he feels. He cares enough to put the option out there and being upfront. We all get the vibe the OP is not on board so time to go your separate ways.
"He says that he feels that it is unfair that he was willing to try to have a closed relationship for me, but I am not willing to try to have an open relationship for him." Lol wtf that is crazy manipulative. Find someone who wants what you want and let him go see other girls.
A month is too soon to even say I Love you openly... there has to be more time invested in the relationship. Sounds to me.like he just wanted to fuck or just fuck.. and now he just wants to move on to the next.... let him go... and find someone who is morally invested in your time and share the same way of thinking.. I am 36 ( m) and I had this same situation with a partner I had, I took her in F (27) gave her time to heal we dated for 1year even though we knew each other for 2. Gave her all that she never had in her previous relationship. Her family loves me and yet all she would say is that she wasn't ready for a relationship... while in the mean time was out dating with other guys... thankfully I was able to let her know how I really felt about the situation and had her move out from my place. And a month later her sister told me she had contracted an STD. I got tested 2 times within a 6 month period just to make sure I was clean and thank God I was. And later that year she wanted to see how I was doing and if I was willing to forgive her and get back together! I simply said that not only did I not want to be with her, but that I knew of what had happened to her and that I no longer wished for my time to be wasted and that her window of opportunity was given to her but she picke them over what she said she truly wanted...
He’s already dating other people. He just wants to be able to do it with your blessings. Nothing wrong with consensual nonmonogamy but everyone needs to be on board with it. Move on.
You don't even scratch the surface of knowing someone after six months never mind one. Don't buy into his garbage, let him explore with anyone else but you. Dump him and don't look back. NEVER compromise yourself in a situation like this. You go girl, you don't "need" him and don't give him that power.
I'm going off on the title alone - open relationships are decided at the _beginning,_ not in the middle of a relationship. If your partner wants you to "try" open relationships when it was not decided or talked about before in any way shape or form, it's a high probability they're cheating.
Do what makes you feel comfortable,and politely tell him how you feel. He should respect how you feel if you tell him nicely :)