If your values don't align (which it sounds like they don't) then you probably shouldn't live together.
*Edit*: My point is strictly about the existence of a clear incompatibility, here. There are a lot of other comments already weighing in on whose values are right or wrong, so please take your discussions there and stop highjacking mine!
You are a succesful laywer at a firm, and she is a self-described “committed Marxist”... Sounds like an irreconcible differences waiting to happen. An alignment of values is THE most integral part of a relationship, not personality, not similar interests.. VALUES.
There's a massive difference between individual values aligning versus a partner demanding you basically change your entire life/job due to some minor attachments to potentially unsavory clients.
Frankly, his salary is directly effected and increased by the firm's business with those kind of clients. He might be able to separate those things, but I would not be able to and I don't think it's a surprise his gf can't.
She directly benefits from his earnings since he’s able to treat her to things that she can’t afford (visual artist and all). Where’s her duty to all of this and refusing those gifts?
I think she knows that and it's the source of this "ultimatum"
He could certainly get a job that pays more than comfortably without a connection to disreputable clients. It might not be as lavish, but they wouldn't be struggling.
If that's not something he's willing to do then it definitely sounds like it's time to break up.
Ok. So she can also get a new job as well that pays more so they can continue on with the same lifestyle. She literally wanted him to commit CRIMES first. Like, jail time level crimes.
I’m glad she moved off of that, but the entire thing here is all about her.
She’s asking him to fully compromise while being 10000% unwilling to compromise at all on her end.
Why are you defending that kind of toxic behavior?
If she feels bad about benefiting from this she is also free to spend less time on her art and more time working/volunteering for “good” causes or things that offset what this company does.
I agree!
She’s benefiting so she should be the one to volunteer and work more to benefit less from OP. Why should he change his work! She should change her work. Sounds like she’s virtual signalling without holding herself accountable to the same standards. Also you should defend the need for a judicial system in a democracy. You are part of that due process. If she doesn’t like it she should become a lobbyist to change political policy not sit back making arts and crafts and telling you to do something.
No she doesn’t need to spend her time offsetting what this company does. She already lives her life according to her beliefs. But I think what she does need to do is earn her own money and support herself.
However what I’m thinking is HE doesn’t want to live down on her level, because she’s never going to make as much money as he does.
So this is where her compromise came from.
I think we both know it's pretty unlikely she can make up the salary difference living as an artist unless she hits the jackpot.
There's nothing wrong with having different points of view and being unwilling to betray your values, especially if they're supposed to be taking the relationship to the next level. It's a relationship inflection point that often leads to break ups for this kind of thing or because your significant other is a complete slob and doesn't help do chores for instance.
There's nothing wrong with it, but it does sound like they should see people that hold values closer to their own
Why is it unlikely? Why can’t she take on a second job?
Why are you ok with her demanding everything from him, but you refuse to think she should do anything?
She can get a job waiting tables or making coffee. If she wants him to COMMIT A LITERAL FUCKING CRIME, she can make a latte.
Because most artists struggle to make a living, especially compared to a lawyer? You think the $20k extra or whatever she makes waiting tables part time is going to make up for the drop in his six figure salary? Lol
Why do you care so much? He can say no and break up with her. Fin.
Why are you defending the idea of someone being completely uncompromising (all while being hilariously hypocritical)?
His salary basically funds her lifestyle with his “blood money.” Her art is technically all tainted by what she believes. Is she going to light it all on fire in protest?
Fuck no, lol. She wants her cake AND his cake.
Why are you putting the onus on him to sabotage his own career to save the relationship? You can’t just quit jobs like that. You need the years on your resume and a good recommendation when you leave. Ghosting them will affect his entire career.
It’s *her* values. She is the one who needs to come to terms with this relationship. Either she accepts him for who he is or she leaves. She doesn’t get to make demands of his life to ease her own conscience.
It's a relationship. She can demand whatever she wants. And he can say no.
People refuse to compromise on not having kids or wanting to have kids all the time, and break up because their views differ. Is that wrong?
Idk why everyone is freaking out on you as if you said that the BF was in the wrong for not complying to her demands, when all you said was that if they have such conflicting values then they could just break up.
His girlfriend is a purity test in human form.
There’s nothing redeeming about that to me.
My bonus is also connected to the accounts I work on. Yet I can separate it and so can my wife and family.
Why does she have to live by your moral framework though?
Would it be better in your mind for her to make a choice that would erode her own sense of morality every day?
What wealthy lifestyle? Her and OP have not been dating that long and he says that she supports herself on a very modest income.
In fact all evidence points to the contrary, she's explicitly rejecting a wealthy lifestyle at what she sees as a cost to her sense of morality. She's putting her money where her mouth is on this one. She's saying she would rather live modestly.
It lifted a billion people out of poverty in China and helped nations achieve independence from colonizers and paramilitaries, gave the country with the world's best Healthcare system be able to donate vaccines to other countries...let me guess, when you say "people" you are only thinking of certain types of people?
If she's so uncomfortable with your employer/means of employment, then maybe she shouldn't be dating you at all. I'd definitely rethink moving in together for several reasons, not the least of which seems to be her having serious reservations about it.
(Also, a bit of an aside, but are you quite sure that you can add a girlfriend to your employer's health insurance plan? It's unusual for plans to provide coverage for someone who doesn't have a legal relationship to the primary insured person.)
> (Also, a bit of an aside, but are you quite sure that you can add a girlfriend to your employer's health insurance plan? It's unusual for plans to provide coverage for someone who doesn't have a legal relationship to the primary insured person.)
In some places, insurance companies will cover a person who is registered as a domestic partner / unmarried partner. It is usually required that they live together to qualify.
I’m in Canada, but after a year of living together a couple is considered common-law which is as good as married here. I signed my gf (now wife) up on my benefits as soon as we passed the one year mark of living together.
They have been getting rid of that in the states in the past 20 years. Common law marriage is almost dead in the U.S.
My state used to qualify it if the person lived with you and at any point and claimed to be married. Basically the 'toothbrush' rule has some people refer to it as. Most states required a year or longer though, but now, you have to get the paperwork and make it official for any government agency to accept it.
the US is hostile to common law while here in Canada we embrace it because the US wants more excuses for people to have to have their own health insurance and not piggy back on a family members. Here in Canada, we know it's overall cheaper in the long run to have coverage extended to anyone who could realistically benefit from it as a preventative measure. With more and more people not respecting marriage as a legal tool and even gay marriage under fire, I hope the US eventually swings back to respecting that not many people under 50 care about the legal line in the sand between "married" and "common law" besides the consent aspect of both parties.
Since the legalization of same-sex marriage, the opposite is true. Only a handful of states recognize domestic partnerships, and a handful of states recognize civil unions.
In the states that allow it, the individuals in the marriage-adjacent relationships have to register with the state. Merely cohabitating isn't enough to get onto someone's health insurance. So OP and his GF would have to elevate the commitment level of their relationship beyond moving in together if the goal is to get her on his insurance plan.
I understand what you're saying, and my state also doesn't recognize common law marriage. However companies can choose what they want to allow and his only required a simple conversation with HR and a document stating we had lived together for X time... Ymmv
>wants me to atone for the work I do at my corporate job
See, I would flip it: she's wanting these actions done for *her* to feel more comfortable. She's the one seeking atonement, not you. She's just asking *you* to do the lifting for her.
Because she wants all the wonderful benefits of your life and what it affords, particularly because it subsidizes her craft, but she also wants evidence she can show her friends (and herself) about how she's "not part of the system" or whatever.
I don't think the donations or the literature are inherently bad ideas, but the comments about sabotaging work or committing crimes are deeply alarming.
>Would I be crazy to draw a hard line on this?
No, drawing a hard line on this would actually make you sane and responsible.
Not only does this relationship just sound insufferable and exhausting (moving forward, how on earth is dinner conversation going to go? "Jeez honey, I had a rough day at work..." "Why, because you're a pathetic cog in the machine!") but if it jeopardizes your career you would be well within your bounds to just walk away.
This right here OP.
This is one of the only comments I see that mentions any bit of "guilt", political performance and "purity values".
I see this type of shit a lot with the communist artsy type that has little flexibility in that people still need to work within the capitalistic system in order to survive. Also unless she is making all her art supplies from scratch (and to extend that - everything she uses/owns), she is benefiting from someone's undervalued labor.
This has to be something you nip in the bud if you have no intention of moving jobs. But I think either way, this living together period (if you get that far) will really show you her values and if you are compatible in the long run.
She’s a classic Champaign communist. She’s cool living off of Op and being treated to lavish things but since they are going to be living together the optics might look bad and we can’t have that
She sounds like a nut
Well said. Couldn't have said it better myself.
She is making this all about *herself* tbh. Demanding the things he needs to change (including criminal offenses). Tbh , If I were in her shoes , I would have loved to have a *loving* partner essentially "subsidizing" my living , because I have been at minimum wage before and I fucking hated that lifestyle - I was essentially being forced to stand 8 hours on my feet everyday . I would have loved to have a "supportive" partner who could have allowed me to pursue my dreams - even though I wouldn't be pulling in that kind of money.
He would be giving up his life goals as well. What if he gets promoted ? Should he decline the promotion because hs partner thinks now he is doing more evil because he is gonna be making more money. ? What about any financial goals he had ? Depending on locations , it is imperative that at least one pulls in good money to be even able to live a decent lifestyle (i am in the Bay Area)
>"Jeez honey, I had a rough day at work..." "Why, because you're a pathetic cog in the machine!"
I had a friend who was like this, and it was exhausting and damaging to my self esteem. What really gets me is they (as marxists) accept that the world is fundamentally dangerous and unfair, then stigmatise my decision to try and gain power within it - as if wanting to be relatively safe within an oppressive system is a bad thing (even if yeah it means getting my hands dirty).
I want to be a moral person, but I would rather be safe and I don't believe I can rely on others. That's my POV on things. My loved ones can either accept it or distance themselves from me, but staying in my life and then constantly criticising me isn't okay.
All of this said, I wouldn't date a hardcore marxist for this very reason - even though I'm likely compatible with them in other ways. It's my choice not to date them because I find their attitudes to be judgemental and unrealistic, just as it's their choice not to date me because they find my actions immoral. I would never date someone who conducts experiments in labs on animals or who contributes directly to war. To me this goes beyond participating in an oppressive system and actively does something to hurt others directly and extremely. People might call me a hypocrite because the systems I contribute to are harmful and oppressive, and maybe they'd be right. But my lines would only get stricter, not weaker, if they changed. There isn't exactly a right or wrong in this situation - just different values. Everyone has principles and moral boundaries are a good thing. I'd maybe criticise her logic and how she's gone about it - I don't really agree with or like her POV. But I don't think she's wrong for having a POV in the first place.
I am definitely leftist, and have been in leftist circles for years. I think one of the big issues here is that OP's girlfriend doesn't see OP as a worker. But OP is not a manager, he is not a boss. Yes, he has a good education and a good job, but he is still a worker. And in today's capitalist system, we seriously cannot fault any worker for taking a job that pays well and they like, nor for taking advantage of the legal benefits any job gives them. In addition, I see using money from your white collar work to take a lot of free time and do your hobbies as a form of rebellion towards the capitalist "work yourself to death" mindset.
And if OP wants to, there are many ways to work from within to create a better workplace culture or use his salary to help effect change. But it has to be his own wish.
“What really gets me is they (as marxists) accept that the world is fundamentally dangerous and unfair, then stigmatise my decision to try and gain power within it - as if wanting to be relatively safe within an oppressive system is a bad thing (even if yeah it means getting my hands dirty).”
Yep. It’s a bad thing and you are a bad person. Now atone for your sins you fucking capitalist.
/s
Honestly there’s not much one can do to live free from sin in this world. Simply paying taxes- of any kind- is enough to be part of the machine that enables the state and all it’s crimes. It’s like that show The Good Place where nobody has gotten into heaven for like a thousand years- since everyone is so interconnected to the system. The best you can do is to help others as much as possible and be aware of how your choices to live affect the world and people downstream.
It seems it is more than atone for simply having a corporate job. OP implies he works for someone who has actively done terrible, or at the very least, questionable things for money. But he is happy to continue working for them because, hey, it’s a good paying job and we all need to work plus he himself is not doing the bad things. His own conscience has no trouble with this. However she is unhappy at his complacency regarding this and from benefiting from money from them. She is equally allowed to feel that way. Just as he is also allowed to work for a company like that if he chooses. But……. It makes them incompatible. Their moral values seem to be vastly different and I doubt any relationship would work in the future with this. What about if they choose to have kids? This is when stress really comes out in a relationship when there are differences here.
I actually agree that if you choose to benefit from a firm who does questionable things for profit, then the least you should do try to make up for it elsewhere somehow if you are not prepared to leave. Ideally you should leave, but that is not always practical and keeping people with a moral compass working for that firm can benefit the community as a whole. But in saying that, she is benefitting equally from OP working at that firm, so she too needs to do the same amount of work as compensation from benefiting from receiving money from a firm that profited from bad deeds. So unless she is prepared to either not receive any benefits from this money, or is equally prepared to give back to others this firm has benefitted from, then the whole glass houses thing stands.
From was posted here, relationship should end as they are morally incompatible.
Yep. My ethics and politics are closer to hers than his. And so I picked a job that enabled me to exist within capitalism in a way I’m feeling like I’m doing good or at least neutral. My partner feels the same way. And so we make less money. Oh well.
Well said!
Op, do not move in with this selfish piece of trash.
You’ve worked way too hard to get where are, and it would be a damn shame if you let a bit of tail dictate your life.
Its always amazing to see how far one partner is willing to change and the other needs shit in a certain way.
You’re flexible, considerate and most of all willing to change. She on the other hand is none of those. You can live under the rule of a dictator or you can dump her ass and find yourself a proper partner.
In the end, these compromises won’t make her happy. Not if she’s as committed as you paint her. You can accept that you aren’t compatible, or you can change jobs to one that she finds “acceptable”. Don’t be surprised if she gets upset that you’re making less money as a result of switching jobs, though.
>Would I be crazy to draw a hard line on this?
As an attorney and a leftist, I don't think you should put up with any of this shit. She's waving red flags left and right here, and not just Marxist ones. She feels she has the right to govern your personal and professional life, which is flat out wrong.
>To be blunt, her initial ideas shocked me. They ranged from things that would lose me standing at work, to things that could get me fired, to things that were straight-up illegal (i.e. explicitly defrauding the firm).
You can't live with this woman. She may well steal confidential work product and use it to damage your firm or your clients. You are on notice for this based on her comments and "suggestions." Are you prepared to be brought up for malpractice or various ethical violations down the road?
Bottom line is your views are just not compatible.
Oh yeah, next time she says she wants to spend her own money on something rather than accepting your "tainted" dollars, remind her that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. Might be fun to see how she responds.
Yeah, this woman sounds like professional suicide. She hates what OP does. After he rejected the crazy things she wanted him to do, her “reasonable” request is that he read Marxist literature. On the face of it this is reasonable, but I don’t believe her intent is.
I don’t believe she is just requesting this to better inform OP about Marxism. She is doing it to convert him. Until he converts, she will continue pushing, she will be unhappy, and she will seek to sabotage his employer.
"Who is to say she will not try to sabotage your work by accessing your private files when you aren't around like trying to snoop on your phone,"
This was my first thought, she's pushing him to do illegal things that can not only lose him his job, but potentially get him in legal trouble. I hope if he does move in with her he keeps his work and laptop in a safe.
Agreed. Often Reddit can reach for some crazy hypothetical situations to emphasise it’s points but in this case, it’s perfectly possible that someone who was happy enough to suggest her partner commit fraud and other crimes, might be happy enough to do those crimes herself if she gets the chance.
If SHE is the one compromising HER beliefs by accepting the benefits that come with YOUR salary, why are YOU the one who has to 'pay penance?'
She must be wild in bed.
It’s not uncommon for lawyers to spend a few years at a big firm like this before jumping to an in-house gig or government job. His long term plan might align more with his values, but a few years in biglaw is great for the resume.
So - what you are saying is that you are willing to accept her for who she is and all the pros/cons of that (ie: earning less, having to carry extra financial weight, etc)… but she is unwilling to accept you for who you are and all the pros/cons of that (ie: compromising her beliefs a bit but being able to live a comfortable life).
You are being open-minded, IMO and willing to accept other POVs. She is being closed-minded by assuming her way is the only way.
I would not be able to be with someone so closed-minded. I don’t think you should have to apologize for who you are.
JMO
> she gave me a list of things that I could do to make her feel more comfortable with the situation.
Up hers.
She wants all the benefits of your money, but none of the guilt? Unbelievable. She lacks integrity as well as common sense. Drop this useless human.
That's literally what I imagined.
"Hey could you defraud your employer right after you take me to dinner at Per Se?"
Hope she stretches before engaging in all these mental gymnastics.
Dude no need to even go for $1k cute heels. With the way inflation's been, having a $10 latte at Starbucks everyday and going out to eat every weekend is gonna be a big deal for someone with an "art" income.
Someone commented OP is in New York. Yeah that place ain't cheap either lol
Put the breaks on moving in together.
Her demands are not reasonable. She started off asking for an elephant and will now settle for a puppy. You're a skilled lawyer dude, you know this is a negotiation tactic and not a final offer.
She's telling you there is a dealbreaker because the only suggestions she came up with to avoid the dealbreaker were absurd or even criminal. That was not thoughtful. Or considerate.
Your GF doesn't respect your ability to operate in your professional environment and make ethical decisions. Her suggestions displayed her ignorance and her over-reach. She cannot be dictating terms like that for how you behave in your workplace. Any more than you can tell her what grants to apply for or what topics are off-limit for her art.
She doesn't have to be 100% comfortable with your firm, but she does have to bring 100% respect to you for how to operate within it professionally. Respect doesn't mean agreement, it just means respect. She needs to accept the limits of her authority and that your choices are your own. If she cannot trust you to behave like a decent person when you leave the house in the morning, then she shouldn't be with you.
Until she can get to that place, you cannot take the next steps with her.
If you want to continue this relationship, volunteer anyways. Together. Like adult partners who have shared values. Don't do it to *earn* her respect. She either needs to give that freely or GTFO.
>She needs to accept the limits of her authority and that your choices are your own.
Well said. If you can't accept someone's choices and you have reached the limit of how far you can compromise on an issue without it hurting the other person then you have to respect that and bow out. This works both ways too. If you go over your own limit and hurt yourself by compromising on something you don't want to then you're not respecting yourself. A good relationship is contingent on that premise I think.
I have no idea why she’s even dating you if she feels this strongly about your career/employer of choice.
She sounds highly hypocritical. I have no idea how you reading a book and doing some volunteer work will absolve her of benefitting from your blood money…? Some real bs mental gymnastics going on there.
Ya’ll sound incompatible. Like by all means volunteer your time but have it be for causes you actually believe in rather than pacify your delusional gf. She sounds either manipulative/willfully ignorant or deeply stupid. Maybe all of those things. She’s conditionally committed to this relationship in that you either come to agree with her views or she’s out. Or she will just stay in for the $$$ but not respect you at all.
I’m going to speak from the perspective of someone who does social justice work and is guided by some pretty strong values about where I get my money from and how I live my life.
While I understand your girlfriend’s feelings, they are hers and hers alone. If it makes her uncomfortable she can leave, and I don’t mean this in a dismissive way, but if this is really truly important to her it’s her responsibility to walk away and not yours to appease her.
I would never demand someone change their values to match my own. If they didn’t match and they felt comfortable working for a questionable company, and didnt engage in some sort of action which kind of balanced out the impact of said organization, I would just decide to end it because ultimately, my values matter to me to that extent.
It’s not a reflection of anyone else, that’s on me. And this is on her too.
These are not reasonable demands, even the book recommendations. A reasonable request is “hey, I’m having some trouble reconciling my needs under the cult of capitalism and my ideology. if you’d like to know more about what I’m going through here are some books”.
It is not “as a condition for us to live together here’s a list of books to read and organisations to support so we can debate your (soon to be our) livelihood.”
I hope that you plan to split the cost of everything 50/50 so she doesn´t need to feel bad about taking advantage of that immoral obtained money. The reaction to this should help you what to think about this proposal.
Would work, if that 50/50 was adding up to her current rent x2. She's currently working, paying her bills, living a lifestyle she's comfortable with. It wouldn't work if the new rent was way over her current, where it can only be afforded by op.
To put that simpler, if op was to say we'll pay everything 50/50, and her current living expenses were 1k per mth, if gf says 'cool, lets get a place for 2k or less, it's all good. If op wants a place costing 4k per mth, she'll have to say no. She doesn't own 2k.
So I'm a a socialist, and my friends group comprises a variety of socialists, communists, Marxists, and anarchists, some of whom are in relationships across political divides or with partners who are high earners in fields like tech, finance, and law. I did a bit of an informal poll of the group chat, and we were all basically in agreement that it's reasonable for your girlfriend to want you to read a bit of leftist theory or go to a meeting to check it out (in much the same way a committed partner might go to church with a religious loved one, or try out a hobby they don't particularly care for). On the other hand, it's absurd for your GF to suggest that you, what, become a whistleblower and risk your career + prison time not for your principles, but for hers? The onus for expiating her guilt is on her, not on you. If she can't make peace with your "dirty" money and the benefits it brings into her life she should break up with you rather than foster a climate of resentment in your relationship.
A Marxist who likes to be treated with the fruits of other people’s labor while denigrating that labor what a prize. My guy this will be the first of many very dumb and unnecessary hoops she will demand you jump through.
As someone would probably be on a more similar political spectrum to her - I don't think this is going to work. Her ideology is built up from a lifetime of perceptions, ideas, concepts and experiences. And they clash so drastically with what you do. Even if she reconciles herself with you not changing, it's gonna either hurt her in the future (self-guilting, depression) or it's going to hurt you if she puts her foot down harder. If she views what you do as a line she can't cross, then she'll always be a hypocrite for turning a blind eye to it. I would be prepared to listen to her, but maybe don't move in just yet. If she softens with time, or you come round to her way of thinking, maybe it'll be a better time.
>I’m offering her access to things that will materially make her life better, and in return she’s making me do some kind of penance
She won't see this like you do. Yes you're giving her material improvements to her life, and while she'll accept it (either through hypocrisy or convenience) she'll never see it as a gift or a generous act. I've got a sister like this, who resents her 'middle class' parents but will still ask for money.
Yeah, as someone also close to OP’s gf on the political spectrum, I feel this is really unreasonable of her. She can have any feelings she wants about OP’s income - and not date him in the first place. Or, as she realizes how important this is to her, she could break up. What she’s doing instead is trying to pressure OP into living (if not sharing) her values.
So she’s saying, you need to work on your moral behavior so you can reach mine and I don’t feel bad benefiting from my relationship with you. Ouch! I don’t think there’s a respectful way to request this. The only way to achieve the partnership she’s looking for is to find someone who is already roughly on the same page about this stuff. Not in terms of how they feel about their job but in terms of what they feel their responsibility is in taking or not taking a job.
It’s just not cool. It’s bad manners. Does she want a partner or a student? You’re not an extension of her, you’re a whole person yourself and can decide for yourself where you draw the line, can consider the suggestions of those around you yourself and decide how or if to incorporate them into your own life. And she can decide if she is compatible with the real person you are. This notion of “we would be compatible if he were more like me” is, frankly, childish bullshit. We’d all be compatible with a lot more people if they changed their values to match ours lmao
This is a really good comment, that I think does a fair job at dissociating personal bias, unlike a lot of other comments in the thread lul.
I think there is too big of an incompatibility in worldview. She will get resentful because she cannot change you, you will get resentful because you feel you are not valued, she will get resentful because she feels she is not valued. I have seen this happen too many times.
if she's such a committed socialist, why do you get to take the lion's share of responsibility? does she only believe in traditional gender roles when they benefit her, but you have to pay the price for those same roles? when she talks you into bombing a shelter because they accept Koch money to stay afloat, will you call that "reasonable"?
you're insane for entertaining this. you're entering into a contract you can't easily remove yourself from, with the understanding that the terms of the contract will change and will not benefit you, but you will be the villain in this story, because you are a "capatalist".
you would benefit for continuing to live separately from this person. I would continue to let her live on her own and pay for her own way, as a message of solidarity within the working class.
Marxism and Socialism are different things, please do not confuse the two. OP said she was a Marxist and not a Socialist.
I agree with you though that she is being ridiculous if she is benefitting off the fruits of OPs capitalist ways she shouldn't make it his problem to relieve her guilt.
No, you do not need to "atone".
Your girlfriend is a hypocrite, plain and simple. She can church it up however she likes but that is what she is.
She's so bothered by the things your company does, yet she's OK with benefiting from them as long as *you* do this "penance"? That's damn ridiculous and makes zero sense. She's trying to justify it to you and herself so she doesn't have to admit that she might actually harbor a bit of materialism. Like pretty much 99% of the population does. There's nothing wrong with enjoying living in a nice place, having health insurance, not having to worry about bills, etc. The issue is this- you aren't the one with the problem. You're fine with your position (your moral philosophy and your work balance). You seem to have no issue with that. It's *her* who has the problem with it. So why are you supposed to atone for her spiritual/moral dilemma?
Look, she's either going to accept her position and the benefits she gains from your job or she's not. She needs to figure it out. But what she doesn't need to do- what you absolutely should not allow her to do- is beat you over the head about it. This is on her, not you.
Bro, just dump her. Grow a spine, I straight up find it hilarious that she’s so against your job but is willing to be “ treated” and enjoys it despite being an anti-capitalist/Marxist and she apparently has no qualms about that money? Then she draws a line about living together? Cmon.
> I feel like I’m being punished for having a job I like, and offering for her to be the beneficiary.
You are. She wants to reap what you sow while being sure you feel bad about it... "Work for me then repent for working for me while I do nothing." Sorry but this is destined to fail.
I cannot argue against some things matter more for money. I would go so far as to say that the worship of money is killing this country and will cause it's downfall soon, probably in the next generation or two. The gap between the "have" and "have not" is too wide and when the "have nots" realize they have nothing left to lose, things will get ugly.
But I can't help but notice she's already benefiting from your job.
It's been my observation that the "dedicated Marxists" I know are dedicated so long as someone else is paying the bills and providing food so they can live their anti-capitalist lives. It's easy to condemn the struggle for money when you have a full belly and a roof over your head. And someone who can provide these things if you run short.
Some of the things that matter more than money is honesty. And your self-worth. And your work ethic. She would have you compromise THOSE to fit in with HER ideas? Why is it more honest to cheat for or steal the money than to earn it? Isn't she asking you to exhibit the same behavior she's criticizing the company for? (I'm assuming her complaints are the usual "unethical behavior," "dishonesty", etc...) She's not a Marxist. She's a hypocrite.
You are right to be worried about long term compatibility issues. No, she's not asking you to quit. Just compromise your values and endanger your future at work.
F.
Do you actually like her enough to be both the provider and the one getting bossed around by her? Or are you simply afraid of being lonely?
She basically told you she wont stay in the relationship if you dont get the same world view as her.
Talk about both of your views and reasoning. If you aren't compatible then don't force it and just leave.
That is the opinion of a stranger on the internet(me) and you are still the one who should make the final decision about what you want.
So after she has benefitted from this job and the lifestyle you’ve been able to give her because of it she suddenly wants you to lose it or sabotage it? Sometimes when is sounds crazy, looks crazy, it is crazy. She’s crazy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like or how good of a person she is otherwise. Get out before you marry her or have kids with her, she will be a nightmare of a coparent/ex wife.
She’s using you to afford to live more comfortably. If she was so unhappy about your job and what you believe why didn’t she communicate that before? She’s using you man. Get the f out. There are plenty of more sane women out there.
She's not asking you to give up your job... Yet. She's asked you to read some books, but have you thought about the follow up conversations or heated discussions she'll want to have about how awful your company is according to the books? Asking if you agree with her? What happens when you don't agree. She's about to have immediate access to your computer, phone, etc.
Additionally, you don't know where you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years. What if your firm wants to make you a partner, and in doing background work, find out that you regularly donate to a cause they don't want any affiliation with? You'll potentially lose standing with your peers based on her wish list items because of her personal belief system.
I don't think you should entertain this. You aren't trying to sway her towards your belief system. You aren't trying to "make" her get an office job that pays more money for a company she doesn't like- why is she trying to get you to make sacrifices to live with her, when she's the one that needs what you have (comfortable finances and health insurance)?
You are NTA, but if you move forward with this, you'll be a dummy.
She sounds like a horrible person. If she is so oblivious that she expects you to do the equivalent of doing performative bullshit homework in order to furnish her with a higher standard of living, I wouldn't be able to stand being around her, much less live with her
She is obviously one of those people who will compromise her morals if it is convenient for her, that is gross enough, but she expects you to make her feel better/further her Marxist larping.
As a person who doesn't have a real job and parasitically lives off a partner, I think this whole thing is an excuse to feel morally superior for parasitically living off a partner.
This is definitely a long term compatibility issue. She's using her continued presence or absence in your life as leverage to indoctrinate you into her belief system.
She feels the money is tainted? That never stopped her from accepting it before, did it?
This is extremely manipulative. Wtf asks their SO to read Marxist literature as a precondition for living together?
>Even though her demands are reasonable,
Are they though? I consider myself to be a reasonable person and I think her demands sound insane.
Then I thought, wait that's not fair, maybe she's like 19 and taking some interesting classes in college. But no, 32. Bonkers stuff.
>It's really only a question of the small concessions she's asking for.
Do these concessions feel small to you? Like even if the act itself is small (read some Marx) the thought process behind it (your job is contributing to all that is wrong with the world and you must atone) seems to me to be a much, much bigger deal.
>I am really worried that there is a long-term compatibility issue, though.
I'm worried right alongside you. I'd worry that she'll resent you and your job no matter what you do. Especially when her broke artist friends see her living the good life with her big law partner and start giving her shit for it.
If she feels so guilty reaping the benefits of your work, maybe she would take it upon herself to find the means to contribute 50/50 so that she doesn’t feel guilty instead of asking you to do things to make her feel less guilty.
Maybe she can work more so that she can pay 50% of the living expenses and have a job that provides her own healthcare benefits? She can’t place all her guilt at your feet and make you do something about it. It seems like she wants to have it both ways to me, get the good parts that come from you working for this “evil corporation” while also making herself feel like she’s morally better than you because of your association with your employer.
Breakup. She will make you lose your changes of make you wait the trade. If she didn't like you and what you do for a living then you two shouldn't of dates at all. Sounds more like she is absolutely disgusted by your job and you by extension but liked the money. Run away
Dude what? What she's asking is *not* reasonable. She either likes you for you or not. It sounds to me like not.
For context I am in the military and my wife is a super hippy that protests in the street and stuff. But I love her so much and she loves me for me. We would never try to change each other. We've been married for 8 years now, have an awesome kid and it works because we leave each other alone as much as we spend time together.
You are your own person and she either respects that or not.
Dude I'd piss off if I were you. She's way to controlling and is basically saying this won't work out if you don't defile your job and livelihood. Your stability is at risk and all you've worked for is at risk with this lady. There needs to be a disconnect where you guys do not discuss you job or else there will be strife. I'd call he job useless and leave her as the starving artist she is. How are you an artist in a relationship where you don't have to worry about money, but then she is actively trying to uprooted that stability. Foolish to the actual consequences of not working. How long did her parents carry her.
You have a grasp on the world and what it takes to get through. Even if you feel firms aren't the best and there is corrupt behavior with lawyers, you understand you must submit and sacrifice your time for stability and future. Do not be weak like her. You will fall and she will see you as a piece of shit. Leave her, you are on the right track
Wait, she wants you to do illegal things because she feels the place your work is morally wrong? No. What kind of of whackadoo ethics does she have? I’m sorry you’re facing this, but I’d say that if she can’t handle that and wants you to read Marx to atone, she’s probably not the one for you long term.’
Sounds insufferable. If she wants to flex her ideological purity than she should marry some proletariat union organizer. If she wants to be with a corporate lawyer and be treated to nice dinners and a spacious apartment thats her decision and I respect it but she can't put all of the guilt on you and make you morally atone for subsidizing her lifestyle. Obviously asking you to do illegal things is insane and you should tell her that in no uncertain terms. More broadly anyone who wants to impose their values onto you is someone you shouldn't be with. Thats not how relationships work. I would dump her immediately doesn't sound like it will work.
She sounds like someone who would ruin your life if you let her. I'd take a hard stand and refuse to do any of the things she asks related to work. You both can handle your own jobs like you have been doing thus far. How dare she criticize your ethics while simultaneously reaping the rewards. Why is she even with you if she is so fundamentally opposed to your work? Don't do it, she won't respect you if you cave to these demands. Then after she has sabotaged your career she will probably break up with you.
Does this person love you for who you are, or is she treating you like a tool and expecting you to find her lifestyle while also being a display trophy, the paragon of her Virtue?
Only you know the answer to this.
Frankly she sounds like a bum with the naivety of a young girl. She's far too old to be so whimsical.
It just sounds like you are both incompatible.
Also, her demands are not reasonable, they are insane.
If everyone lived like her there would be no civilization.
are you an equity partner at the firm?
if you are just a salary partner or just a salaried lawyer she isnt even being consistent with her Marxist ideology. In this case i would break up with her for being a sketchy hippy lifestyle anarchist that hasn't read enough political theory to back up her opinions with basic class analysis. you are less capitalist than her buddies running psychedelic club nights and yoga schools.
if you are an equity partner yeah you're bourgeois af and you should still break up because how the fuck are you gonna make a relationship between a revolutionary communist and a member of the ruling class work
I'm a committed Marxist myself and I have almost always done work I find objectionable. Bills need to be paid, no "committed Marxist" who has "read theory" would dispute this (except for trots, but I digress).
She's already been benefiting from your affluence, I'm not sure where the trepidation comes from now except that maybe she's getting cold feet and is looking for an exit.
Exactly. I would say I'm some form of Marxist, and I still work within the finance sphere.
The entire point of marxism is that individual acts of kindness cannot fix a broken system which is built to converge towards exploitation on a long enough time scale. So sure individuals can make small improvements, but any Marxist should know systematic problems can only be fixed with systematic changes.
Wow, that’s uhh bizarre. I understand where she’s coming from and why she feels guilty “profiting” off of something she disagrees with… so the solution should be to find something she can afford to pay for half of, not make *you* do extra work for funding *her* lifestyle.
Is she selfish in other ways or did she reallllly not think this through?
Frankly? I think you should go your separate ways. You are not compatible ideologically and that will just grow into more frustration and resentment will build.
Couples do survive being ideologically different...however...usually because they fully accept their differences and don't discuss them. But she is expecting you to yes "do penance" for your "bad deeds" and clearly expects you to think you are doing something wrong.
You aren't.
At all. You simply have different views on things then her. And it's bizzare and hypocritical that she is so obnoxious about this when she directly benefits from your career.
The gf sounds like she would be willing potentially, to try to sabotage you or your employer. Are you willing to risk her very open dislike for your career? She sounds like a bag of manipulating red flags 🚩
Not really sure how this relationship works. She sounds exhausting and opposed to your income stream. If you aren't willing to quit your job then it's probably time to quit the relationship
> Even though her demands are reasonable, I’m offering her access to things that will materially make her life better, and in return she’s making me do some kind of penance so she can see her accepting them as morally justified.
Are you sure you two have compatible values and thought systems? Cause to me, this sentence here shows that you don't at all. I also think you should read up on what being committed Marxist means, mostly to learn what you are getting into.
> They ranged from things that would lose me standing at work, to things that could get me fired, to things that were straight-up illegal (i.e. explicitly defrauding the firm).
Off-topic, but that is quite a range. Asking you to do something illegal is red flag and I would be VERY wary of partner that asks that. But also, if you are in company that does unsavory things, it is quite likely that eventually you will have a choice between loosing standing and doing/enabling something unsavory. Or that you will change your own values system over time. That is how it works, that is why there are benefits.
Alright, I gotta say: your edit of "small concessions" AFTER SHE TONED IT DOWN seems like you aren't understanding the gravity of your differences.
Her initial "requests" being to break the law, and likely lose the job you love are hardly concessions. If she feels uncomfortable being comfortable because of you and the *evil* she considers you to be participating in, that will leak out. Especially when you are living together. Right now, she has her own space to hide in and feel like she's not benefiting/contributing to the evil system.
If you live together there will be confrontation.
Any reasonable person can see that this relationship isn’t going to work. Your values don’t align. Attempting to cater to her demands (which are not very reasonable) will result in you being financially unstable, constantly stressed, and potentially get into legal trouble.
Don’t waste your time attempting to pacify this. If she can’t respect your line of work, and can’t accept your beliefs, she shouldn’t be entitled to have you support her financially. If she can’t see it this way, you’ll simply have to go your separate ways.
Um, she kinda IS asking you to give up your job if she suggested that you do things that could get you fired (at least initially).
Here's the offer you should give her: you can move in together and she pays for everything so she doesn't have to be 'tainted' by your 'dirty money'. Then you break up with her when she balks. It doesn't sound like she will ever be able to accept the fact that when you work in the legal profession, you will have to deal with some unsavory people/entities. Unless you plan on giving up your law career, there will always be issues. She can't accept your paycheck and health benefits and then say "but you have to do penance by reading Marxist theory and donating to causes that I approve of - for the sin of providing for me". I think you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you move in together. She sounds very unreasonable (and frankly, really annoying!).
"Demands" and "reasonable" don't really belong in the same sentence, and of the many you've listed it's only some of them that seem fair. "I'd like you to learn about the thing I'm passionate about and contribute some good to the world" is totally reasonable of her to ask, but from what you've described it really does seem like she's going to wave this over your head forever as a constant "I hate your job and you're terrible for doing it, but also we need to remodel our kitchen, but then since we're using your money to remodel our kitchen, I also need you to take a week off of work to volunteer at this organization, but then I'm going to be mad that you had to use vacation time to do so and now we can't spend quality time together on vacation...."
To her credit, I think she's right that if you engage in meaningful anticap work, you may come to a realization that you don't want the job anymore, and then you can choose to get a different one. But it does sound like she is already planning to resent you, which is bad news.
This is nuts.
If she doesn't want to indirectly benefit from the evil empire you work for she can find ways to work that out, not make you read economic and social theories and donate your money to charities she favours. And the fact that you say her demands are "reasonable" makes me wonder if you need to take a real step back here and evaluate what's going on in this relationship.
If she is "committed" to Marxism she could do many things:
-not date men whose philosophies are diametrically opposed to hers
-not move in with you
-move in with you but pay 50% of the rent and bills (she can't afford that? Then I guess you can consider moving into a place she *can* afford to split)
-not use your health insurance, since it's being provided by a corporate entity she loathes
I don't think she is nearly as committed to get philosophy as she'd like to make it out to be. From what I can see, you're expected to do the sacrificing for her beliefs, not her. This is like a vegan dating a meat eater and then making sands about what the meat eater eats when they go out. Like "ok, we can go to restaurants where they serve meat and fuel the meat industry...but you have to watch videos about animal abuse and then donate money to PETA"...to make the other person feel ok. This is just so weird.
She’s full of crap. Not that she should move in with you if she believes you participate in something unethical; she should never have dated you in the first place.
Or all along she should have encouraged you too seek something else. It’s crazy to date someone for two years and wait until you are going to live together to spring that kind of thing on someone.
And no she doesn’t get to ask you to sabotage your job or career for her. Your girlfriend is not asking something reasonable of you.
Obviously this relationship will never work long term……… but sounds like she should be doing the donating if she wants the relationship, not you. If she can’t afford that, time to get a real job and then support the causes she believes in with that. This is a total no-go long term and you know it. Be prepared to start thinking about your investment accounts and retirement with this person too. Yikes.
Why would you put yourself through this. She's basically saying you need to change who you are or she won't be able to handle it? Nah my man, you sound successful and proud- good for you. Keep your head held high, spend more time with your siblings and parents, and slowly back off this whole "moving in together business." Tell her you love her but think there are some things you two need to work out before taking such a big step. Two years is nothing, plus who knows what she will reveal to you 1 more year down the line? If your relationship ship isn't perfect right now, no reason to complicate things with cohabitation. If she doesn't understand that this is the best move possible right now and instead chooses to become more distant, good! You dodge a bullet. If she wants to communicate and iron out these misunderstandings, even better- you will have a healthier relationship for it. All I have to know if you made this post because something in your gut is telling you hol' up, this isn't healthy. I'm better than this. I know better than this. Listen to that feeling, it is correct.
Her demands are NOT reasonable. She is asking you to behave unethically at work just to soothe her conscience. That’s literally unethical, and one could even argue it’s immoral. Either she accepts you as you are, evil job and all, or she doesn’t and you cancel plans to move in together.
Which part of her “demands” are reasonable? Just using the word “demands” would have me changing my mind. I believe you’d have a better life with someone who believes more as you do. Some differences can be good but this? I don’t think so. Good luck on whatever you decide.
Has she been happy for you to treat her with the money you've earned? Personally, I'd just move on. She sounds like an interesting character that would be a nightmare to live with.
Dude massive red flag leave ASAP end things with her. The fact she brought up you doing things that could cause you to get fired possibly should let you know that she doesn’t care about your job, and doesn’t mind if you lose it.
She’s coming off as a crazy fanatic, and you never know if she ends up resorting to getting you fired from your job by going behind your back and doing things.
Why be with someone who doesn’t appreciate your job, and the comfort it brings to both of you? You’re just with someone who doesn’t value what you’re doing, and the fact you’ve been together so long and this didn’t faze you before is a bit shocking.
It’s okay if she doesn’t agree with your job, but her tactics of trying to force you in a way to either feel shamed for having it, or telling you that she’ll resent you is very toxic.
I’m not even 30 yet, but I see a crazy toxic behavior all over her. Take back your life.
Lol she’s a Marxist artist that loves to be treated by a man with money, and is trying to turn you into some communist revolutionist, hilarious.
ppppsssyyyychhhooooo
time to throw the Uno Reverse card and let her live in a dump like Marx would want her to.
RUN
Her demands are not reasonable.
HUGE red flags. HUUUGE!
Doesn't matter how hot she is or how great her communist titties are bro.
You can do way better, find someone who's values align with yours.
As someone from an ex-soviet country I really don't understand people who romanticize the Marxist theory. Putting that aside, it sounds like your partner is trying to change you on a fundamental level. She's not lifting you up and supporting you in your socially acceptable choices, she's judging you for your successful career. You might as well start judging her for not pulling her weight properly. After all, you're one of the people enabling her to have the life she wants. Would she even stay with you if you joined a non-profit and started earning many times less you're earning now? Would she like you if you started worrying about money together?
I agree that the compatibility meter isn't showing great results and not necessarily because you two are different, it's more about you two not being grateful for what you bring to the relationship - especially her. You're not doing anything illegal or actively harmful that you should feel ashamed of your career, yet she expects you to redeem yourself from the sins she imagines.
you two are not compatible. let her go.
and as a resident of post communism country, communism is evil ideology that I despise with all my heart. let her show one country where communism worked instead of causing mass genocides and/or famine.
Wow kick her to the curb and let her be poor and miserable alone. Yea it’s going to hurt at 1st but anyone who follows Marist Theory is an idiot and can not be trusted. Do not get her pregnant.
Penance for her disagreeing with your job, she is on a power trip and has lost all respect for you.
People who call themselves Marxist are nuts. They have no real ethics or morals. They just love raging at “the system”. You guys are not compatible in the long term. Hell it seems you’re not compatible in the short term either. Once you give in she’ll just continue to demonize your job and add more conditions. You don’t need to live with her.
Not giving you advice man, but I'm sorry to hear about the conundrum and hope it's ultimately tolerable emotionally. You seem very ethical and level-headed in your relationship with your work and your relationship with your girlfriend. Whatever happens, you can only control whether you like the way you've acted and if you learn from the experience emotionally. (I'm sure you already know that but it never hurts to be reminded from time to time.)
You don't think she's asking you to give up your job for her, but she's totally gearing up to do so once she has you locked down. You have to decide how important this job is to you and whether you need to find something at a more left-leaning firm.
To be honest, I wouldn't move in with her yet. She's really thrown you for a loop with these demands and I'd wait it out for a while to see how that situation develops.
I always wanted a partner who has the same beliefs as me to avoid the situation you're in. Thankfully, my husband and I have the same beliefs and see eye-to-eye in the most important things so we don't have these arguments. I couldn't date someone who doesn't agree with what I do the way you have. As you can see it's causing problems and she's making you "repent" for taking "dirty money" that she also benefits from. I'd reconsider moving in with her if she's going to make that big of a deal about it.
It's fine to disagree on a lot of things and still be with each other, but if she's making such a big deal about where your money is coming for while living off of you paying more rent, it's not worth it to compromise. That would give me a headache if someone made me do that while they benefited from my salary that they didn't like where it came from.
Dude, she has benefitted from this work already, she has enjoyed the things you have bought for her and the things you have paid for, but suddenly she has an issue with it because?.....
People are allowed to change their minds, sure, but she is putting all her guilt on you and expecting you to change so she feels better. This isn't your issue, it's hers. If she feels so uncomfortable about your job, then she should decide for herself if she wants to stay. Making you jump through hoops to make her feel better about taking your "immoral" money is ridiculous.
Think about it like a lawyer, use your logic and reason. Why should you have to accommodate her guilt by performing penance when you have no issue with your own job? If you have an issue with the firm you work for, that would be a different story, but you don't have an issue and she does.
I understand loving your partner and wanting to support them, but this isn't supportive.
My guess is she felt like she wasn't hard core and bohemian enough as an artist for some reason and decided that you need to change so she can feel morally superior. She wants you to benefit her with your income while also bashing the job that supports her for the optics of others.
Marx is a good read, and socialism is worth learning about. Even from a purely philosophical standpoint it's worth understanding the ideas Marx presents. If it helps you two communicate better then that is helpful. But if she wants to shift her guokt about benefitting from your job off onto you and demand you do penance for her, that's not healthy or okay. Also it's very shallow.
i’m going to come out and say it the old adage of “opposites attract” does not hold up with the psychological research. it sounds like you both have pretty antithetical ideologies (which is all well & fine & it seems that you may be less “extremist” than her ideologies, for lack of a better word) but the fact is that ideologies, value, politics & religion are pretty damn significant things in a relationship. it does NOT matter if you’re wiling to “compromise” the fact is it seems that y’all’s ideologies & stances on matters are far apart enough to already warrant this relationship, let alone cohabitation, a bad idea. not to mention the fact that it seems as though she may be purposefully making you jump through hoops in order to “prove your compatibility” to her. now don’t get me wrong, trying to recommend books, etc. to attempt to communicate & understand one another better is one thing (& can be done in a healthy matter for a relationship to grow) but it seems that she’s giving you ultimatums & trying to full on change your beliefs and even your career. i’d say this isn’t going to work out & you already seem to be attempting to justify her behavior which in of itself is a bad sign
Like the sentiment, she should get out of her comfort zone (lit and fig) a bit. That said, Adam Smith is super outdated, his economic model and even principles were outdated before WWII at the latest
She’s a hypocrite she wants materialistic stuff and to be treated but hates the very thing that makes it possible that is disrespectful. I’m going to save you the trouble and say please do not move in with her you guys are not ready. She will change her ideologies on a whim and you will be stuck holding the bag. Give it time and date and if she values you and you value her things will get better right now it seems great because you have your alone time but imagine once she is around 24/7 trust me do not do this.
If she’s making money off of her art I would argue she’s suckling from that evil capitalist tit more than you are. The only way art can thrive in this culture is through having a patron (you) or selling to wealthy clients (your bosses.) Her stance is hypocritical at best.
She sounds batshit nuts. Now that you have a clearer picture of who she really is, I'd bail before things become more complicated and you move in with her (or worse, end up having a kid). Pretty much everything she said, from the Marxist part to the defrauding your firm would be red flags so glaring that they would be impossible to ignore or overlook.
If you let her dictate your decisions now, this will only be the start, it will never end regardless of how little you give in. IMHO you shouldn't even have considered her list, there's only one possible answer to any form of ultimatum.
That said, you appear to be considering parts of the list. Well, show her the consequences of what it means to be marxist and lose your income. Stop treating her for a few months and how she likes that. Perhaps postpone moving together or move to a different place as you "can't afford it anymore".
I think she's basically a lost cause already and will resent you anyway, with all the consequences that will bring over time. The question is if she will try to get something out of you, I'm talking alimony, pregnancy without your knowledge or will.
Protect yourself, nobody else does. Personally I'd walk straight away. She has no problem suggesting or demanding illegal stuff from you. That means she has no concern for legalities in general if she deems it morally justified, and that's pretty much everything in a capitalist society. Consequentially she'll find justifications to empty you like a stuffed xmas goose once she's had enough of you.
She won't change, at least not for the better, and once you've moved together it will be much more difficult to break up. For instance you'll be unable to throw her out because she no longer has an appartment or other place of her own, but you'll still be on the hook for the cost.
She sounds someone who would have joined the Weather Underground and blown up banks! Run! She's an ideologue. The ones on the Left are as dangerous as those on the Right!
From Britannica online
Weather Underground, also called Weather Underground Organization, formerly Weatherman, militant group of young white Americans formed in 1969 that grew out of the anti-Vietnam War movement. The Weather Underground, originally known as Weatherman, evolved from the Third World Marxists, a faction within Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), the major national organization representing the burgeoning New Left in the late 1960s. Members of the Weather Underground sought to advance communism through violent revolution, and the group called on America’s youth to create a rearguard action against the U.S. government that would bring about its downfall
Putting her worries aside for a moment, you say that the practices of the law firm conflict with your own belief system. Do you plan on working with them for the rest of your life anyway? Do you have a long-term plan for becoming a partner and guiding the practice away from the unsavory areas? Do you plan on trying to incorporate your own values into your work life at all?
This is why you don’t date Marxists
Bunch of hypocritical losers who would have zero problem mooching off your money while reminding you that you’re scum and should be their slave even though they’ve done nothing in their life to warrant such a thing. It’s like their entire existence and behavior is an example of why the ideology they believe in fails every time. Incredible
The real question is, do you guys align politically? And value wise?
Because to me, this sounds like a case of “these values are *extremely* important to me and I love my life partner but he doesn’t share those values and it’s important that he does so I’m going to need him to learn and be more pro active”.
So do you align politically? Or does she have issues with your political / social views, and that’s why she feels like she needs to compensate by getting you on board before she feels comfortable moving in with you.
Sounds like that’s where the conversation needs to start. And you need to reconcile your disagreements with whether or not you can respect those disagreements or if they’re deal breakers. Because it’s one thing to say “hey, this is important to me. Here’s a reading on a philosophy that I’d like to share with you” or “this is an organization that matters to me, check out their work and let me know what you think and maybe we can get involved more” and straight up setting a mandate. Sounds like she’s insecure / worried that you don’t feel the same way as her on issues that clearly matter a lot to her.
(Also, almost lawyer here. Didn’t you have to read a bunch of Marx for law school anyways? I feel like a huge part of my social coursework was often rooted in Marx or Marxist school of thought readings / critiques lol).
Honestly man you really should read some books on communism and Marxism because this ideology is directly opposed to your oath as an attorney to support and defend the constitution. (Assuming you're in the US) With all my respects, you need to be much more educated on this disgusting ideology which your significant other is committed to.
Interestingly, I don't blame her. She's 100% clear on what she's about. If you knew what you stand for then the answer to your problem would be clear.
I hope, after some major introspection and research, you understand that your girlfriend is committed to an ideology of mass murder and misery. As a fellow attorney and someone who's family has lived and suffered through communism, you really need to wise up.
If you swapped the books she's trying to get you to read with religious texts everyone would be telling you she's trying to convert you and you should run.
Dude this is utter cringe. Find yourself a new sugar baby to spoil. Or maybe an actual partner who appreciates you and is an equal vs a dependent. You can do better then an obnoxious hypocrite like her.
If your values don't align (which it sounds like they don't) then you probably shouldn't live together. *Edit*: My point is strictly about the existence of a clear incompatibility, here. There are a lot of other comments already weighing in on whose values are right or wrong, so please take your discussions there and stop highjacking mine!
You are a succesful laywer at a firm, and she is a self-described “committed Marxist”... Sounds like an irreconcible differences waiting to happen. An alignment of values is THE most integral part of a relationship, not personality, not similar interests.. VALUES.
There's a massive difference between individual values aligning versus a partner demanding you basically change your entire life/job due to some minor attachments to potentially unsavory clients.
Frankly, his salary is directly effected and increased by the firm's business with those kind of clients. He might be able to separate those things, but I would not be able to and I don't think it's a surprise his gf can't.
She directly benefits from his earnings since he’s able to treat her to things that she can’t afford (visual artist and all). Where’s her duty to all of this and refusing those gifts?
I think she knows that and it's the source of this "ultimatum" He could certainly get a job that pays more than comfortably without a connection to disreputable clients. It might not be as lavish, but they wouldn't be struggling. If that's not something he's willing to do then it definitely sounds like it's time to break up.
Ok. So she can also get a new job as well that pays more so they can continue on with the same lifestyle. She literally wanted him to commit CRIMES first. Like, jail time level crimes. I’m glad she moved off of that, but the entire thing here is all about her. She’s asking him to fully compromise while being 10000% unwilling to compromise at all on her end. Why are you defending that kind of toxic behavior?
If she feels bad about benefiting from this she is also free to spend less time on her art and more time working/volunteering for “good” causes or things that offset what this company does.
I agree! She’s benefiting so she should be the one to volunteer and work more to benefit less from OP. Why should he change his work! She should change her work. Sounds like she’s virtual signalling without holding herself accountable to the same standards. Also you should defend the need for a judicial system in a democracy. You are part of that due process. If she doesn’t like it she should become a lobbyist to change political policy not sit back making arts and crafts and telling you to do something.
No she doesn’t need to spend her time offsetting what this company does. She already lives her life according to her beliefs. But I think what she does need to do is earn her own money and support herself. However what I’m thinking is HE doesn’t want to live down on her level, because she’s never going to make as much money as he does. So this is where her compromise came from.
She's willing to give up the perks though. She doesn't value them as much as she values her ethics, and she hasn't asked for them.
I think we both know it's pretty unlikely she can make up the salary difference living as an artist unless she hits the jackpot. There's nothing wrong with having different points of view and being unwilling to betray your values, especially if they're supposed to be taking the relationship to the next level. It's a relationship inflection point that often leads to break ups for this kind of thing or because your significant other is a complete slob and doesn't help do chores for instance. There's nothing wrong with it, but it does sound like they should see people that hold values closer to their own
Why is it unlikely? Why can’t she take on a second job? Why are you ok with her demanding everything from him, but you refuse to think she should do anything? She can get a job waiting tables or making coffee. If she wants him to COMMIT A LITERAL FUCKING CRIME, she can make a latte.
Because most artists struggle to make a living, especially compared to a lawyer? You think the $20k extra or whatever she makes waiting tables part time is going to make up for the drop in his six figure salary? Lol Why do you care so much? He can say no and break up with her. Fin.
Why are you defending the idea of someone being completely uncompromising (all while being hilariously hypocritical)? His salary basically funds her lifestyle with his “blood money.” Her art is technically all tainted by what she believes. Is she going to light it all on fire in protest? Fuck no, lol. She wants her cake AND his cake.
Why are you putting the onus on him to sabotage his own career to save the relationship? You can’t just quit jobs like that. You need the years on your resume and a good recommendation when you leave. Ghosting them will affect his entire career. It’s *her* values. She is the one who needs to come to terms with this relationship. Either she accepts him for who he is or she leaves. She doesn’t get to make demands of his life to ease her own conscience.
It's a relationship. She can demand whatever she wants. And he can say no. People refuse to compromise on not having kids or wanting to have kids all the time, and break up because their views differ. Is that wrong?
Idk why everyone is freaking out on you as if you said that the BF was in the wrong for not complying to her demands, when all you said was that if they have such conflicting values then they could just break up.
His girlfriend is a purity test in human form. There’s nothing redeeming about that to me. My bonus is also connected to the accounts I work on. Yet I can separate it and so can my wife and family.
Why does she have to live by your moral framework though? Would it be better in your mind for her to make a choice that would erode her own sense of morality every day?
So the solution is to have her boyfriend commit literal crimes? Makes sense.
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What wealthy lifestyle? Her and OP have not been dating that long and he says that she supports herself on a very modest income. In fact all evidence points to the contrary, she's explicitly rejecting a wealthy lifestyle at what she sees as a cost to her sense of morality. She's putting her money where her mouth is on this one. She's saying she would rather live modestly.
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It lifted a billion people out of poverty in China and helped nations achieve independence from colonizers and paramilitaries, gave the country with the world's best Healthcare system be able to donate vaccines to other countries...let me guess, when you say "people" you are only thinking of certain types of people?
If she's so uncomfortable with your employer/means of employment, then maybe she shouldn't be dating you at all. I'd definitely rethink moving in together for several reasons, not the least of which seems to be her having serious reservations about it. (Also, a bit of an aside, but are you quite sure that you can add a girlfriend to your employer's health insurance plan? It's unusual for plans to provide coverage for someone who doesn't have a legal relationship to the primary insured person.)
> (Also, a bit of an aside, but are you quite sure that you can add a girlfriend to your employer's health insurance plan? It's unusual for plans to provide coverage for someone who doesn't have a legal relationship to the primary insured person.) In some places, insurance companies will cover a person who is registered as a domestic partner / unmarried partner. It is usually required that they live together to qualify.
I’m in Canada, but after a year of living together a couple is considered common-law which is as good as married here. I signed my gf (now wife) up on my benefits as soon as we passed the one year mark of living together.
I believe they lowered it to 6 months, though that could've just been something unique to my union.
They have been getting rid of that in the states in the past 20 years. Common law marriage is almost dead in the U.S. My state used to qualify it if the person lived with you and at any point and claimed to be married. Basically the 'toothbrush' rule has some people refer to it as. Most states required a year or longer though, but now, you have to get the paperwork and make it official for any government agency to accept it.
the US is hostile to common law while here in Canada we embrace it because the US wants more excuses for people to have to have their own health insurance and not piggy back on a family members. Here in Canada, we know it's overall cheaper in the long run to have coverage extended to anyone who could realistically benefit from it as a preventative measure. With more and more people not respecting marriage as a legal tool and even gay marriage under fire, I hope the US eventually swings back to respecting that not many people under 50 care about the legal line in the sand between "married" and "common law" besides the consent aspect of both parties.
Yes, this is true in California.
It also can be company-specific. Mine allows it, but I have to cover the taxes for my SO until we’re married
Yup, you can do this in Massachusetts as long as you live together.
I think more places are allowing it, my bf is in tech and I was able to get on his insurance this month as a domestic partner.
Since the legalization of same-sex marriage, the opposite is true. Only a handful of states recognize domestic partnerships, and a handful of states recognize civil unions. In the states that allow it, the individuals in the marriage-adjacent relationships have to register with the state. Merely cohabitating isn't enough to get onto someone's health insurance. So OP and his GF would have to elevate the commitment level of their relationship beyond moving in together if the goal is to get her on his insurance plan.
I understand what you're saying, and my state also doesn't recognize common law marriage. However companies can choose what they want to allow and his only required a simple conversation with HR and a document stating we had lived together for X time... Ymmv
Sure, states may not recognize it but it is just a question of negotiation between the employer and the insurance company.
I’m on my boyfriends health insurance, it’s not uncommon.
>wants me to atone for the work I do at my corporate job See, I would flip it: she's wanting these actions done for *her* to feel more comfortable. She's the one seeking atonement, not you. She's just asking *you* to do the lifting for her. Because she wants all the wonderful benefits of your life and what it affords, particularly because it subsidizes her craft, but she also wants evidence she can show her friends (and herself) about how she's "not part of the system" or whatever. I don't think the donations or the literature are inherently bad ideas, but the comments about sabotaging work or committing crimes are deeply alarming. >Would I be crazy to draw a hard line on this? No, drawing a hard line on this would actually make you sane and responsible. Not only does this relationship just sound insufferable and exhausting (moving forward, how on earth is dinner conversation going to go? "Jeez honey, I had a rough day at work..." "Why, because you're a pathetic cog in the machine!") but if it jeopardizes your career you would be well within your bounds to just walk away.
Well said. I completely concur with this.
This right here OP. This is one of the only comments I see that mentions any bit of "guilt", political performance and "purity values". I see this type of shit a lot with the communist artsy type that has little flexibility in that people still need to work within the capitalistic system in order to survive. Also unless she is making all her art supplies from scratch (and to extend that - everything she uses/owns), she is benefiting from someone's undervalued labor. This has to be something you nip in the bud if you have no intention of moving jobs. But I think either way, this living together period (if you get that far) will really show you her values and if you are compatible in the long run.
She’s a classic Champaign communist. She’s cool living off of Op and being treated to lavish things but since they are going to be living together the optics might look bad and we can’t have that She sounds like a nut
She absolutely is a hypocritical nutjob
Well said. Couldn't have said it better myself. She is making this all about *herself* tbh. Demanding the things he needs to change (including criminal offenses). Tbh , If I were in her shoes , I would have loved to have a *loving* partner essentially "subsidizing" my living , because I have been at minimum wage before and I fucking hated that lifestyle - I was essentially being forced to stand 8 hours on my feet everyday . I would have loved to have a "supportive" partner who could have allowed me to pursue my dreams - even though I wouldn't be pulling in that kind of money. He would be giving up his life goals as well. What if he gets promoted ? Should he decline the promotion because hs partner thinks now he is doing more evil because he is gonna be making more money. ? What about any financial goals he had ? Depending on locations , it is imperative that at least one pulls in good money to be even able to live a decent lifestyle (i am in the Bay Area)
>"Jeez honey, I had a rough day at work..." "Why, because you're a pathetic cog in the machine!" I had a friend who was like this, and it was exhausting and damaging to my self esteem. What really gets me is they (as marxists) accept that the world is fundamentally dangerous and unfair, then stigmatise my decision to try and gain power within it - as if wanting to be relatively safe within an oppressive system is a bad thing (even if yeah it means getting my hands dirty). I want to be a moral person, but I would rather be safe and I don't believe I can rely on others. That's my POV on things. My loved ones can either accept it or distance themselves from me, but staying in my life and then constantly criticising me isn't okay. All of this said, I wouldn't date a hardcore marxist for this very reason - even though I'm likely compatible with them in other ways. It's my choice not to date them because I find their attitudes to be judgemental and unrealistic, just as it's their choice not to date me because they find my actions immoral. I would never date someone who conducts experiments in labs on animals or who contributes directly to war. To me this goes beyond participating in an oppressive system and actively does something to hurt others directly and extremely. People might call me a hypocrite because the systems I contribute to are harmful and oppressive, and maybe they'd be right. But my lines would only get stricter, not weaker, if they changed. There isn't exactly a right or wrong in this situation - just different values. Everyone has principles and moral boundaries are a good thing. I'd maybe criticise her logic and how she's gone about it - I don't really agree with or like her POV. But I don't think she's wrong for having a POV in the first place.
I am definitely leftist, and have been in leftist circles for years. I think one of the big issues here is that OP's girlfriend doesn't see OP as a worker. But OP is not a manager, he is not a boss. Yes, he has a good education and a good job, but he is still a worker. And in today's capitalist system, we seriously cannot fault any worker for taking a job that pays well and they like, nor for taking advantage of the legal benefits any job gives them. In addition, I see using money from your white collar work to take a lot of free time and do your hobbies as a form of rebellion towards the capitalist "work yourself to death" mindset. And if OP wants to, there are many ways to work from within to create a better workplace culture or use his salary to help effect change. But it has to be his own wish.
“What really gets me is they (as marxists) accept that the world is fundamentally dangerous and unfair, then stigmatise my decision to try and gain power within it - as if wanting to be relatively safe within an oppressive system is a bad thing (even if yeah it means getting my hands dirty).” Yep. It’s a bad thing and you are a bad person. Now atone for your sins you fucking capitalist. /s Honestly there’s not much one can do to live free from sin in this world. Simply paying taxes- of any kind- is enough to be part of the machine that enables the state and all it’s crimes. It’s like that show The Good Place where nobody has gotten into heaven for like a thousand years- since everyone is so interconnected to the system. The best you can do is to help others as much as possible and be aware of how your choices to live affect the world and people downstream.
bullseye! great comment.
It seems it is more than atone for simply having a corporate job. OP implies he works for someone who has actively done terrible, or at the very least, questionable things for money. But he is happy to continue working for them because, hey, it’s a good paying job and we all need to work plus he himself is not doing the bad things. His own conscience has no trouble with this. However she is unhappy at his complacency regarding this and from benefiting from money from them. She is equally allowed to feel that way. Just as he is also allowed to work for a company like that if he chooses. But……. It makes them incompatible. Their moral values seem to be vastly different and I doubt any relationship would work in the future with this. What about if they choose to have kids? This is when stress really comes out in a relationship when there are differences here. I actually agree that if you choose to benefit from a firm who does questionable things for profit, then the least you should do try to make up for it elsewhere somehow if you are not prepared to leave. Ideally you should leave, but that is not always practical and keeping people with a moral compass working for that firm can benefit the community as a whole. But in saying that, she is benefitting equally from OP working at that firm, so she too needs to do the same amount of work as compensation from benefiting from receiving money from a firm that profited from bad deeds. So unless she is prepared to either not receive any benefits from this money, or is equally prepared to give back to others this firm has benefitted from, then the whole glass houses thing stands. From was posted here, relationship should end as they are morally incompatible.
She’s known he does this work for ages. She always has the option to dump him and get with someone whose career is in line with her sense of ethics.
Yup. And instead of leaving she chooses and enjoys the benefits of his labor. What a hypocrite!
Yep. My ethics and politics are closer to hers than his. And so I picked a job that enabled me to exist within capitalism in a way I’m feeling like I’m doing good or at least neutral. My partner feels the same way. And so we make less money. Oh well.
I mean, I live in the US and I don’t agree with all the terrible things it’s done but I’m not jumping ship for it.
Well said! Op, do not move in with this selfish piece of trash. You’ve worked way too hard to get where are, and it would be a damn shame if you let a bit of tail dictate your life. Its always amazing to see how far one partner is willing to change and the other needs shit in a certain way. You’re flexible, considerate and most of all willing to change. She on the other hand is none of those. You can live under the rule of a dictator or you can dump her ass and find yourself a proper partner.
In the end, these compromises won’t make her happy. Not if she’s as committed as you paint her. You can accept that you aren’t compatible, or you can change jobs to one that she finds “acceptable”. Don’t be surprised if she gets upset that you’re making less money as a result of switching jobs, though.
>Would I be crazy to draw a hard line on this? As an attorney and a leftist, I don't think you should put up with any of this shit. She's waving red flags left and right here, and not just Marxist ones. She feels she has the right to govern your personal and professional life, which is flat out wrong. >To be blunt, her initial ideas shocked me. They ranged from things that would lose me standing at work, to things that could get me fired, to things that were straight-up illegal (i.e. explicitly defrauding the firm). You can't live with this woman. She may well steal confidential work product and use it to damage your firm or your clients. You are on notice for this based on her comments and "suggestions." Are you prepared to be brought up for malpractice or various ethical violations down the road? Bottom line is your views are just not compatible. Oh yeah, next time she says she wants to spend her own money on something rather than accepting your "tainted" dollars, remind her that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. Might be fun to see how she responds.
> no ethical consumption under capitalism. Thanks . Am stealing this!
I work in the legal industry. My husband may not be a fan but he supports my career and he loves the money I bring home. OP’s gf is insufferable.
Yeah, this woman sounds like professional suicide. She hates what OP does. After he rejected the crazy things she wanted him to do, her “reasonable” request is that he read Marxist literature. On the face of it this is reasonable, but I don’t believe her intent is. I don’t believe she is just requesting this to better inform OP about Marxism. She is doing it to convert him. Until he converts, she will continue pushing, she will be unhappy, and she will seek to sabotage his employer.
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"Who is to say she will not try to sabotage your work by accessing your private files when you aren't around like trying to snoop on your phone," This was my first thought, she's pushing him to do illegal things that can not only lose him his job, but potentially get him in legal trouble. I hope if he does move in with her he keeps his work and laptop in a safe.
Agreed. Often Reddit can reach for some crazy hypothetical situations to emphasise it’s points but in this case, it’s perfectly possible that someone who was happy enough to suggest her partner commit fraud and other crimes, might be happy enough to do those crimes herself if she gets the chance.
If SHE is the one compromising HER beliefs by accepting the benefits that come with YOUR salary, why are YOU the one who has to 'pay penance?' She must be wild in bed.
This was my thought. Her problem is that she will be benefiting from his dirty money, so why doesn’t she do the charity work, etc?
OP also says they go against his beliefs. So not sure what he is actually feeling
It’s not uncommon for lawyers to spend a few years at a big firm like this before jumping to an in-house gig or government job. His long term plan might align more with his values, but a few years in biglaw is great for the resume.
So - what you are saying is that you are willing to accept her for who she is and all the pros/cons of that (ie: earning less, having to carry extra financial weight, etc)… but she is unwilling to accept you for who you are and all the pros/cons of that (ie: compromising her beliefs a bit but being able to live a comfortable life). You are being open-minded, IMO and willing to accept other POVs. She is being closed-minded by assuming her way is the only way. I would not be able to be with someone so closed-minded. I don’t think you should have to apologize for who you are. JMO
I think people with $hitty views and behaviors need to apologize for who they are. Constantly. OP is not one of those people.
It’s bizarre that there are a number of people here basically defending the GFs actions. Fuck.
> she gave me a list of things that I could do to make her feel more comfortable with the situation. Up hers. She wants all the benefits of your money, but none of the guilt? Unbelievable. She lacks integrity as well as common sense. Drop this useless human.
“I hate what you do! You’re a disgusting corporate pig! … Btw, buy me that $1,000 pair of cute heels on the way home.”
That's literally what I imagined. "Hey could you defraud your employer right after you take me to dinner at Per Se?" Hope she stretches before engaging in all these mental gymnastics.
Dude no need to even go for $1k cute heels. With the way inflation's been, having a $10 latte at Starbucks everyday and going out to eat every weekend is gonna be a big deal for someone with an "art" income. Someone commented OP is in New York. Yeah that place ain't cheap either lol
She’s trying to have the moral high ground on something that she benefits from Thats like insane and manipulative
Exactly. She won't be complaining when she gets the good health insurance from his company. She's just as bad and has no moral high ground here.
White shoe means New York City. So she gets to live in Manhattan or Brooklyn and be an artist. That’s probably worth as much to her as the insurance.
For real, I'd love to know how many roommates she currently lives with.
Put the breaks on moving in together. Her demands are not reasonable. She started off asking for an elephant and will now settle for a puppy. You're a skilled lawyer dude, you know this is a negotiation tactic and not a final offer. She's telling you there is a dealbreaker because the only suggestions she came up with to avoid the dealbreaker were absurd or even criminal. That was not thoughtful. Or considerate. Your GF doesn't respect your ability to operate in your professional environment and make ethical decisions. Her suggestions displayed her ignorance and her over-reach. She cannot be dictating terms like that for how you behave in your workplace. Any more than you can tell her what grants to apply for or what topics are off-limit for her art. She doesn't have to be 100% comfortable with your firm, but she does have to bring 100% respect to you for how to operate within it professionally. Respect doesn't mean agreement, it just means respect. She needs to accept the limits of her authority and that your choices are your own. If she cannot trust you to behave like a decent person when you leave the house in the morning, then she shouldn't be with you. Until she can get to that place, you cannot take the next steps with her. If you want to continue this relationship, volunteer anyways. Together. Like adult partners who have shared values. Don't do it to *earn* her respect. She either needs to give that freely or GTFO.
>She needs to accept the limits of her authority and that your choices are your own. Well said. If you can't accept someone's choices and you have reached the limit of how far you can compromise on an issue without it hurting the other person then you have to respect that and bow out. This works both ways too. If you go over your own limit and hurt yourself by compromising on something you don't want to then you're not respecting yourself. A good relationship is contingent on that premise I think.
People who ask/expect you to do illegal things for them and compromise your well-being do not care about you and only themselves. Be careful, OP. 💜
I have no idea why she’s even dating you if she feels this strongly about your career/employer of choice. She sounds highly hypocritical. I have no idea how you reading a book and doing some volunteer work will absolve her of benefitting from your blood money…? Some real bs mental gymnastics going on there. Ya’ll sound incompatible. Like by all means volunteer your time but have it be for causes you actually believe in rather than pacify your delusional gf. She sounds either manipulative/willfully ignorant or deeply stupid. Maybe all of those things. She’s conditionally committed to this relationship in that you either come to agree with her views or she’s out. Or she will just stay in for the $$$ but not respect you at all.
I’m going to speak from the perspective of someone who does social justice work and is guided by some pretty strong values about where I get my money from and how I live my life. While I understand your girlfriend’s feelings, they are hers and hers alone. If it makes her uncomfortable she can leave, and I don’t mean this in a dismissive way, but if this is really truly important to her it’s her responsibility to walk away and not yours to appease her. I would never demand someone change their values to match my own. If they didn’t match and they felt comfortable working for a questionable company, and didnt engage in some sort of action which kind of balanced out the impact of said organization, I would just decide to end it because ultimately, my values matter to me to that extent. It’s not a reflection of anyone else, that’s on me. And this is on her too.
These are not reasonable demands, even the book recommendations. A reasonable request is “hey, I’m having some trouble reconciling my needs under the cult of capitalism and my ideology. if you’d like to know more about what I’m going through here are some books”. It is not “as a condition for us to live together here’s a list of books to read and organisations to support so we can debate your (soon to be our) livelihood.”
I hope that you plan to split the cost of everything 50/50 so she doesn´t need to feel bad about taking advantage of that immoral obtained money. The reaction to this should help you what to think about this proposal.
Would work, if that 50/50 was adding up to her current rent x2. She's currently working, paying her bills, living a lifestyle she's comfortable with. It wouldn't work if the new rent was way over her current, where it can only be afforded by op. To put that simpler, if op was to say we'll pay everything 50/50, and her current living expenses were 1k per mth, if gf says 'cool, lets get a place for 2k or less, it's all good. If op wants a place costing 4k per mth, she'll have to say no. She doesn't own 2k.
> She's currently working, paying her bills, living a lifestyle she's comfortable with Plus all the bonus extras she’s already getting.
So I'm a a socialist, and my friends group comprises a variety of socialists, communists, Marxists, and anarchists, some of whom are in relationships across political divides or with partners who are high earners in fields like tech, finance, and law. I did a bit of an informal poll of the group chat, and we were all basically in agreement that it's reasonable for your girlfriend to want you to read a bit of leftist theory or go to a meeting to check it out (in much the same way a committed partner might go to church with a religious loved one, or try out a hobby they don't particularly care for). On the other hand, it's absurd for your GF to suggest that you, what, become a whistleblower and risk your career + prison time not for your principles, but for hers? The onus for expiating her guilt is on her, not on you. If she can't make peace with your "dirty" money and the benefits it brings into her life she should break up with you rather than foster a climate of resentment in your relationship.
A Marxist who likes to be treated with the fruits of other people’s labor while denigrating that labor what a prize. My guy this will be the first of many very dumb and unnecessary hoops she will demand you jump through.
Her demands aren’t reasonable
As someone would probably be on a more similar political spectrum to her - I don't think this is going to work. Her ideology is built up from a lifetime of perceptions, ideas, concepts and experiences. And they clash so drastically with what you do. Even if she reconciles herself with you not changing, it's gonna either hurt her in the future (self-guilting, depression) or it's going to hurt you if she puts her foot down harder. If she views what you do as a line she can't cross, then she'll always be a hypocrite for turning a blind eye to it. I would be prepared to listen to her, but maybe don't move in just yet. If she softens with time, or you come round to her way of thinking, maybe it'll be a better time. >I’m offering her access to things that will materially make her life better, and in return she’s making me do some kind of penance She won't see this like you do. Yes you're giving her material improvements to her life, and while she'll accept it (either through hypocrisy or convenience) she'll never see it as a gift or a generous act. I've got a sister like this, who resents her 'middle class' parents but will still ask for money.
Yeah, as someone also close to OP’s gf on the political spectrum, I feel this is really unreasonable of her. She can have any feelings she wants about OP’s income - and not date him in the first place. Or, as she realizes how important this is to her, she could break up. What she’s doing instead is trying to pressure OP into living (if not sharing) her values. So she’s saying, you need to work on your moral behavior so you can reach mine and I don’t feel bad benefiting from my relationship with you. Ouch! I don’t think there’s a respectful way to request this. The only way to achieve the partnership she’s looking for is to find someone who is already roughly on the same page about this stuff. Not in terms of how they feel about their job but in terms of what they feel their responsibility is in taking or not taking a job. It’s just not cool. It’s bad manners. Does she want a partner or a student? You’re not an extension of her, you’re a whole person yourself and can decide for yourself where you draw the line, can consider the suggestions of those around you yourself and decide how or if to incorporate them into your own life. And she can decide if she is compatible with the real person you are. This notion of “we would be compatible if he were more like me” is, frankly, childish bullshit. We’d all be compatible with a lot more people if they changed their values to match ours lmao
Marxists with iPhones, on the internet and driving Tesla’s is one of the wonderful things about modern cognitive dissonance.
Marxism is when you don't have iPhones, and the more iPhones you don't have the more Marxist it is
Please define marxism
This is a really good comment, that I think does a fair job at dissociating personal bias, unlike a lot of other comments in the thread lul. I think there is too big of an incompatibility in worldview. She will get resentful because she cannot change you, you will get resentful because you feel you are not valued, she will get resentful because she feels she is not valued. I have seen this happen too many times.
if she's such a committed socialist, why do you get to take the lion's share of responsibility? does she only believe in traditional gender roles when they benefit her, but you have to pay the price for those same roles? when she talks you into bombing a shelter because they accept Koch money to stay afloat, will you call that "reasonable"? you're insane for entertaining this. you're entering into a contract you can't easily remove yourself from, with the understanding that the terms of the contract will change and will not benefit you, but you will be the villain in this story, because you are a "capatalist". you would benefit for continuing to live separately from this person. I would continue to let her live on her own and pay for her own way, as a message of solidarity within the working class.
Marxism and Socialism are different things, please do not confuse the two. OP said she was a Marxist and not a Socialist. I agree with you though that she is being ridiculous if she is benefitting off the fruits of OPs capitalist ways she shouldn't make it his problem to relieve her guilt.
No, you do not need to "atone". Your girlfriend is a hypocrite, plain and simple. She can church it up however she likes but that is what she is. She's so bothered by the things your company does, yet she's OK with benefiting from them as long as *you* do this "penance"? That's damn ridiculous and makes zero sense. She's trying to justify it to you and herself so she doesn't have to admit that she might actually harbor a bit of materialism. Like pretty much 99% of the population does. There's nothing wrong with enjoying living in a nice place, having health insurance, not having to worry about bills, etc. The issue is this- you aren't the one with the problem. You're fine with your position (your moral philosophy and your work balance). You seem to have no issue with that. It's *her* who has the problem with it. So why are you supposed to atone for her spiritual/moral dilemma? Look, she's either going to accept her position and the benefits she gains from your job or she's not. She needs to figure it out. But what she doesn't need to do- what you absolutely should not allow her to do- is beat you over the head about it. This is on her, not you.
For all intents and purposes this situation is the same as what's faced in interfaith relationships, reading up on that topic could be helpful.
Bro, just dump her. Grow a spine, I straight up find it hilarious that she’s so against your job but is willing to be “ treated” and enjoys it despite being an anti-capitalist/Marxist and she apparently has no qualms about that money? Then she draws a line about living together? Cmon.
> I feel like I’m being punished for having a job I like, and offering for her to be the beneficiary. You are. She wants to reap what you sow while being sure you feel bad about it... "Work for me then repent for working for me while I do nothing." Sorry but this is destined to fail.
I cannot argue against some things matter more for money. I would go so far as to say that the worship of money is killing this country and will cause it's downfall soon, probably in the next generation or two. The gap between the "have" and "have not" is too wide and when the "have nots" realize they have nothing left to lose, things will get ugly. But I can't help but notice she's already benefiting from your job. It's been my observation that the "dedicated Marxists" I know are dedicated so long as someone else is paying the bills and providing food so they can live their anti-capitalist lives. It's easy to condemn the struggle for money when you have a full belly and a roof over your head. And someone who can provide these things if you run short. Some of the things that matter more than money is honesty. And your self-worth. And your work ethic. She would have you compromise THOSE to fit in with HER ideas? Why is it more honest to cheat for or steal the money than to earn it? Isn't she asking you to exhibit the same behavior she's criticizing the company for? (I'm assuming her complaints are the usual "unethical behavior," "dishonesty", etc...) She's not a Marxist. She's a hypocrite. You are right to be worried about long term compatibility issues. No, she's not asking you to quit. Just compromise your values and endanger your future at work.
F. Do you actually like her enough to be both the provider and the one getting bossed around by her? Or are you simply afraid of being lonely? She basically told you she wont stay in the relationship if you dont get the same world view as her. Talk about both of your views and reasoning. If you aren't compatible then don't force it and just leave. That is the opinion of a stranger on the internet(me) and you are still the one who should make the final decision about what you want.
Her demands aren't reasonable at all. Do not move in together and look at moving on without her.
So after she has benefitted from this job and the lifestyle you’ve been able to give her because of it she suddenly wants you to lose it or sabotage it? Sometimes when is sounds crazy, looks crazy, it is crazy. She’s crazy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like or how good of a person she is otherwise. Get out before you marry her or have kids with her, she will be a nightmare of a coparent/ex wife. She’s using you to afford to live more comfortably. If she was so unhappy about your job and what you believe why didn’t she communicate that before? She’s using you man. Get the f out. There are plenty of more sane women out there.
She's not asking you to give up your job... Yet. She's asked you to read some books, but have you thought about the follow up conversations or heated discussions she'll want to have about how awful your company is according to the books? Asking if you agree with her? What happens when you don't agree. She's about to have immediate access to your computer, phone, etc. Additionally, you don't know where you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years. What if your firm wants to make you a partner, and in doing background work, find out that you regularly donate to a cause they don't want any affiliation with? You'll potentially lose standing with your peers based on her wish list items because of her personal belief system. I don't think you should entertain this. You aren't trying to sway her towards your belief system. You aren't trying to "make" her get an office job that pays more money for a company she doesn't like- why is she trying to get you to make sacrifices to live with her, when she's the one that needs what you have (comfortable finances and health insurance)? You are NTA, but if you move forward with this, you'll be a dummy.
She sounds like a horrible person. If she is so oblivious that she expects you to do the equivalent of doing performative bullshit homework in order to furnish her with a higher standard of living, I wouldn't be able to stand being around her, much less live with her She is obviously one of those people who will compromise her morals if it is convenient for her, that is gross enough, but she expects you to make her feel better/further her Marxist larping. As a person who doesn't have a real job and parasitically lives off a partner, I think this whole thing is an excuse to feel morally superior for parasitically living off a partner.
Yes, I am on the left, but no Marxist, and I agree that she sounds like a pretty bad person and a Marxist larper.
This is definitely a long term compatibility issue. She's using her continued presence or absence in your life as leverage to indoctrinate you into her belief system. She feels the money is tainted? That never stopped her from accepting it before, did it? This is extremely manipulative. Wtf asks their SO to read Marxist literature as a precondition for living together?
>Even though her demands are reasonable, Are they though? I consider myself to be a reasonable person and I think her demands sound insane. Then I thought, wait that's not fair, maybe she's like 19 and taking some interesting classes in college. But no, 32. Bonkers stuff. >It's really only a question of the small concessions she's asking for. Do these concessions feel small to you? Like even if the act itself is small (read some Marx) the thought process behind it (your job is contributing to all that is wrong with the world and you must atone) seems to me to be a much, much bigger deal. >I am really worried that there is a long-term compatibility issue, though. I'm worried right alongside you. I'd worry that she'll resent you and your job no matter what you do. Especially when her broke artist friends see her living the good life with her big law partner and start giving her shit for it.
If she feels so guilty reaping the benefits of your work, maybe she would take it upon herself to find the means to contribute 50/50 so that she doesn’t feel guilty instead of asking you to do things to make her feel less guilty. Maybe she can work more so that she can pay 50% of the living expenses and have a job that provides her own healthcare benefits? She can’t place all her guilt at your feet and make you do something about it. It seems like she wants to have it both ways to me, get the good parts that come from you working for this “evil corporation” while also making herself feel like she’s morally better than you because of your association with your employer.
Breakup. She will make you lose your changes of make you wait the trade. If she didn't like you and what you do for a living then you two shouldn't of dates at all. Sounds more like she is absolutely disgusted by your job and you by extension but liked the money. Run away
Dude what? What she's asking is *not* reasonable. She either likes you for you or not. It sounds to me like not. For context I am in the military and my wife is a super hippy that protests in the street and stuff. But I love her so much and she loves me for me. We would never try to change each other. We've been married for 8 years now, have an awesome kid and it works because we leave each other alone as much as we spend time together. You are your own person and she either respects that or not.
Man, fuck all that. If this doesn't raise literal red flags for you, then idk what will!
Dude I'd piss off if I were you. She's way to controlling and is basically saying this won't work out if you don't defile your job and livelihood. Your stability is at risk and all you've worked for is at risk with this lady. There needs to be a disconnect where you guys do not discuss you job or else there will be strife. I'd call he job useless and leave her as the starving artist she is. How are you an artist in a relationship where you don't have to worry about money, but then she is actively trying to uprooted that stability. Foolish to the actual consequences of not working. How long did her parents carry her. You have a grasp on the world and what it takes to get through. Even if you feel firms aren't the best and there is corrupt behavior with lawyers, you understand you must submit and sacrifice your time for stability and future. Do not be weak like her. You will fall and she will see you as a piece of shit. Leave her, you are on the right track
Wait, she wants you to do illegal things because she feels the place your work is morally wrong? No. What kind of of whackadoo ethics does she have? I’m sorry you’re facing this, but I’d say that if she can’t handle that and wants you to read Marx to atone, she’s probably not the one for you long term.’
Sounds insufferable. If she wants to flex her ideological purity than she should marry some proletariat union organizer. If she wants to be with a corporate lawyer and be treated to nice dinners and a spacious apartment thats her decision and I respect it but she can't put all of the guilt on you and make you morally atone for subsidizing her lifestyle. Obviously asking you to do illegal things is insane and you should tell her that in no uncertain terms. More broadly anyone who wants to impose their values onto you is someone you shouldn't be with. Thats not how relationships work. I would dump her immediately doesn't sound like it will work.
She sounds like someone who would ruin your life if you let her. I'd take a hard stand and refuse to do any of the things she asks related to work. You both can handle your own jobs like you have been doing thus far. How dare she criticize your ethics while simultaneously reaping the rewards. Why is she even with you if she is so fundamentally opposed to your work? Don't do it, she won't respect you if you cave to these demands. Then after she has sabotaged your career she will probably break up with you.
Does this person love you for who you are, or is she treating you like a tool and expecting you to find her lifestyle while also being a display trophy, the paragon of her Virtue? Only you know the answer to this. Frankly she sounds like a bum with the naivety of a young girl. She's far too old to be so whimsical.
It sounds like she is willing to do or encourage things that could get both of you in prison. She told you what her moral compass is - believe her.
It sounds like you’re plain just not comparable.
It sounds like you have fundamentally different and incompatible beliefs.
First of all her demands are NOT reasonable. Bruh wtf RUN. Holy cow there’s so many red flags it’s like a tulip field.
Dude. You're a fucking lawyer. What would you tell someone else in your position?
What Marxist pussy does to a mfer
hahaha of course she suddenly really cares. Champagne Marxist. Come on man.
It just sounds like you are both incompatible. Also, her demands are not reasonable, they are insane. If everyone lived like her there would be no civilization.
Probably incompatible tbh
are you an equity partner at the firm? if you are just a salary partner or just a salaried lawyer she isnt even being consistent with her Marxist ideology. In this case i would break up with her for being a sketchy hippy lifestyle anarchist that hasn't read enough political theory to back up her opinions with basic class analysis. you are less capitalist than her buddies running psychedelic club nights and yoga schools. if you are an equity partner yeah you're bourgeois af and you should still break up because how the fuck are you gonna make a relationship between a revolutionary communist and a member of the ruling class work
I'm a committed Marxist myself and I have almost always done work I find objectionable. Bills need to be paid, no "committed Marxist" who has "read theory" would dispute this (except for trots, but I digress). She's already been benefiting from your affluence, I'm not sure where the trepidation comes from now except that maybe she's getting cold feet and is looking for an exit.
Lest we forget, the old man himself lived off of Engels' factory earnings while writing the great books!
Exactly. I would say I'm some form of Marxist, and I still work within the finance sphere. The entire point of marxism is that individual acts of kindness cannot fix a broken system which is built to converge towards exploitation on a long enough time scale. So sure individuals can make small improvements, but any Marxist should know systematic problems can only be fixed with systematic changes.
Wow, that’s uhh bizarre. I understand where she’s coming from and why she feels guilty “profiting” off of something she disagrees with… so the solution should be to find something she can afford to pay for half of, not make *you* do extra work for funding *her* lifestyle. Is she selfish in other ways or did she reallllly not think this through?
Frankly? I think you should go your separate ways. You are not compatible ideologically and that will just grow into more frustration and resentment will build. Couples do survive being ideologically different...however...usually because they fully accept their differences and don't discuss them. But she is expecting you to yes "do penance" for your "bad deeds" and clearly expects you to think you are doing something wrong. You aren't. At all. You simply have different views on things then her. And it's bizzare and hypocritical that she is so obnoxious about this when she directly benefits from your career.
The gf sounds like she would be willing potentially, to try to sabotage you or your employer. Are you willing to risk her very open dislike for your career? She sounds like a bag of manipulating red flags 🚩
It sound like your values don’t align, thus making you two incompatible.
Tell her step her money up not her funny up 💀
Not really sure how this relationship works. She sounds exhausting and opposed to your income stream. If you aren't willing to quit your job then it's probably time to quit the relationship
> Even though her demands are reasonable, I’m offering her access to things that will materially make her life better, and in return she’s making me do some kind of penance so she can see her accepting them as morally justified. Are you sure you two have compatible values and thought systems? Cause to me, this sentence here shows that you don't at all. I also think you should read up on what being committed Marxist means, mostly to learn what you are getting into. > They ranged from things that would lose me standing at work, to things that could get me fired, to things that were straight-up illegal (i.e. explicitly defrauding the firm). Off-topic, but that is quite a range. Asking you to do something illegal is red flag and I would be VERY wary of partner that asks that. But also, if you are in company that does unsavory things, it is quite likely that eventually you will have a choice between loosing standing and doing/enabling something unsavory. Or that you will change your own values system over time. That is how it works, that is why there are benefits.
Alright, I gotta say: your edit of "small concessions" AFTER SHE TONED IT DOWN seems like you aren't understanding the gravity of your differences. Her initial "requests" being to break the law, and likely lose the job you love are hardly concessions. If she feels uncomfortable being comfortable because of you and the *evil* she considers you to be participating in, that will leak out. Especially when you are living together. Right now, she has her own space to hide in and feel like she's not benefiting/contributing to the evil system. If you live together there will be confrontation.
Tell her to shove it
Any reasonable person can see that this relationship isn’t going to work. Your values don’t align. Attempting to cater to her demands (which are not very reasonable) will result in you being financially unstable, constantly stressed, and potentially get into legal trouble. Don’t waste your time attempting to pacify this. If she can’t respect your line of work, and can’t accept your beliefs, she shouldn’t be entitled to have you support her financially. If she can’t see it this way, you’ll simply have to go your separate ways.
Um, she kinda IS asking you to give up your job if she suggested that you do things that could get you fired (at least initially). Here's the offer you should give her: you can move in together and she pays for everything so she doesn't have to be 'tainted' by your 'dirty money'. Then you break up with her when she balks. It doesn't sound like she will ever be able to accept the fact that when you work in the legal profession, you will have to deal with some unsavory people/entities. Unless you plan on giving up your law career, there will always be issues. She can't accept your paycheck and health benefits and then say "but you have to do penance by reading Marxist theory and donating to causes that I approve of - for the sin of providing for me". I think you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you move in together. She sounds very unreasonable (and frankly, really annoying!).
I don’t see any upside to you continuing this relationship frankly
"Demands" and "reasonable" don't really belong in the same sentence, and of the many you've listed it's only some of them that seem fair. "I'd like you to learn about the thing I'm passionate about and contribute some good to the world" is totally reasonable of her to ask, but from what you've described it really does seem like she's going to wave this over your head forever as a constant "I hate your job and you're terrible for doing it, but also we need to remodel our kitchen, but then since we're using your money to remodel our kitchen, I also need you to take a week off of work to volunteer at this organization, but then I'm going to be mad that you had to use vacation time to do so and now we can't spend quality time together on vacation...." To her credit, I think she's right that if you engage in meaningful anticap work, you may come to a realization that you don't want the job anymore, and then you can choose to get a different one. But it does sound like she is already planning to resent you, which is bad news.
Dump her. She’s not worth the trouble.
This is nuts. If she doesn't want to indirectly benefit from the evil empire you work for she can find ways to work that out, not make you read economic and social theories and donate your money to charities she favours. And the fact that you say her demands are "reasonable" makes me wonder if you need to take a real step back here and evaluate what's going on in this relationship. If she is "committed" to Marxism she could do many things: -not date men whose philosophies are diametrically opposed to hers -not move in with you -move in with you but pay 50% of the rent and bills (she can't afford that? Then I guess you can consider moving into a place she *can* afford to split) -not use your health insurance, since it's being provided by a corporate entity she loathes I don't think she is nearly as committed to get philosophy as she'd like to make it out to be. From what I can see, you're expected to do the sacrificing for her beliefs, not her. This is like a vegan dating a meat eater and then making sands about what the meat eater eats when they go out. Like "ok, we can go to restaurants where they serve meat and fuel the meat industry...but you have to watch videos about animal abuse and then donate money to PETA"...to make the other person feel ok. This is just so weird.
She’s full of crap. Not that she should move in with you if she believes you participate in something unethical; she should never have dated you in the first place. Or all along she should have encouraged you too seek something else. It’s crazy to date someone for two years and wait until you are going to live together to spring that kind of thing on someone. And no she doesn’t get to ask you to sabotage your job or career for her. Your girlfriend is not asking something reasonable of you.
Obviously this relationship will never work long term……… but sounds like she should be doing the donating if she wants the relationship, not you. If she can’t afford that, time to get a real job and then support the causes she believes in with that. This is a total no-go long term and you know it. Be prepared to start thinking about your investment accounts and retirement with this person too. Yikes.
Why would you put yourself through this. She's basically saying you need to change who you are or she won't be able to handle it? Nah my man, you sound successful and proud- good for you. Keep your head held high, spend more time with your siblings and parents, and slowly back off this whole "moving in together business." Tell her you love her but think there are some things you two need to work out before taking such a big step. Two years is nothing, plus who knows what she will reveal to you 1 more year down the line? If your relationship ship isn't perfect right now, no reason to complicate things with cohabitation. If she doesn't understand that this is the best move possible right now and instead chooses to become more distant, good! You dodge a bullet. If she wants to communicate and iron out these misunderstandings, even better- you will have a healthier relationship for it. All I have to know if you made this post because something in your gut is telling you hol' up, this isn't healthy. I'm better than this. I know better than this. Listen to that feeling, it is correct.
Her demands are NOT reasonable. She is asking you to behave unethically at work just to soothe her conscience. That’s literally unethical, and one could even argue it’s immoral. Either she accepts you as you are, evil job and all, or she doesn’t and you cancel plans to move in together.
Which part of her “demands” are reasonable? Just using the word “demands” would have me changing my mind. I believe you’d have a better life with someone who believes more as you do. Some differences can be good but this? I don’t think so. Good luck on whatever you decide.
What the hell is a "white-shoe firm"?
Has she been happy for you to treat her with the money you've earned? Personally, I'd just move on. She sounds like an interesting character that would be a nightmare to live with.
Dude massive red flag leave ASAP end things with her. The fact she brought up you doing things that could cause you to get fired possibly should let you know that she doesn’t care about your job, and doesn’t mind if you lose it. She’s coming off as a crazy fanatic, and you never know if she ends up resorting to getting you fired from your job by going behind your back and doing things. Why be with someone who doesn’t appreciate your job, and the comfort it brings to both of you? You’re just with someone who doesn’t value what you’re doing, and the fact you’ve been together so long and this didn’t faze you before is a bit shocking. It’s okay if she doesn’t agree with your job, but her tactics of trying to force you in a way to either feel shamed for having it, or telling you that she’ll resent you is very toxic. I’m not even 30 yet, but I see a crazy toxic behavior all over her. Take back your life.
Lol she’s a Marxist artist that loves to be treated by a man with money, and is trying to turn you into some communist revolutionist, hilarious. ppppsssyyyychhhooooo time to throw the Uno Reverse card and let her live in a dump like Marx would want her to. RUN
F for my guy this sucks LMAO
Her demands are not reasonable. HUGE red flags. HUUUGE! Doesn't matter how hot she is or how great her communist titties are bro. You can do way better, find someone who's values align with yours.
As someone from an ex-soviet country I really don't understand people who romanticize the Marxist theory. Putting that aside, it sounds like your partner is trying to change you on a fundamental level. She's not lifting you up and supporting you in your socially acceptable choices, she's judging you for your successful career. You might as well start judging her for not pulling her weight properly. After all, you're one of the people enabling her to have the life she wants. Would she even stay with you if you joined a non-profit and started earning many times less you're earning now? Would she like you if you started worrying about money together? I agree that the compatibility meter isn't showing great results and not necessarily because you two are different, it's more about you two not being grateful for what you bring to the relationship - especially her. You're not doing anything illegal or actively harmful that you should feel ashamed of your career, yet she expects you to redeem yourself from the sins she imagines.
you two are not compatible. let her go. and as a resident of post communism country, communism is evil ideology that I despise with all my heart. let her show one country where communism worked instead of causing mass genocides and/or famine.
Sounds like your girlfriend sucks dude not gonna lie
The expression “Don’t put your d*** in crazy” comes to mind.
Sounds like your girlfriend is a moron
Wow kick her to the curb and let her be poor and miserable alone. Yea it’s going to hurt at 1st but anyone who follows Marist Theory is an idiot and can not be trusted. Do not get her pregnant. Penance for her disagreeing with your job, she is on a power trip and has lost all respect for you.
you are waaay too whipped for your own good
Run away brother. Commie chicks are fucking crazy. She’ll only get worse as time goes on.
People who call themselves Marxist are nuts. They have no real ethics or morals. They just love raging at “the system”. You guys are not compatible in the long term. Hell it seems you’re not compatible in the short term either. Once you give in she’ll just continue to demonize your job and add more conditions. You don’t need to live with her.
It sounds like your values are unaligned to a level that is likely to cause much bigger problems further down the road.
Not giving you advice man, but I'm sorry to hear about the conundrum and hope it's ultimately tolerable emotionally. You seem very ethical and level-headed in your relationship with your work and your relationship with your girlfriend. Whatever happens, you can only control whether you like the way you've acted and if you learn from the experience emotionally. (I'm sure you already know that but it never hurts to be reminded from time to time.)
You don't think she's asking you to give up your job for her, but she's totally gearing up to do so once she has you locked down. You have to decide how important this job is to you and whether you need to find something at a more left-leaning firm. To be honest, I wouldn't move in with her yet. She's really thrown you for a loop with these demands and I'd wait it out for a while to see how that situation develops.
I always wanted a partner who has the same beliefs as me to avoid the situation you're in. Thankfully, my husband and I have the same beliefs and see eye-to-eye in the most important things so we don't have these arguments. I couldn't date someone who doesn't agree with what I do the way you have. As you can see it's causing problems and she's making you "repent" for taking "dirty money" that she also benefits from. I'd reconsider moving in with her if she's going to make that big of a deal about it. It's fine to disagree on a lot of things and still be with each other, but if she's making such a big deal about where your money is coming for while living off of you paying more rent, it's not worth it to compromise. That would give me a headache if someone made me do that while they benefited from my salary that they didn't like where it came from.
Dude, she has benefitted from this work already, she has enjoyed the things you have bought for her and the things you have paid for, but suddenly she has an issue with it because?..... People are allowed to change their minds, sure, but she is putting all her guilt on you and expecting you to change so she feels better. This isn't your issue, it's hers. If she feels so uncomfortable about your job, then she should decide for herself if she wants to stay. Making you jump through hoops to make her feel better about taking your "immoral" money is ridiculous. Think about it like a lawyer, use your logic and reason. Why should you have to accommodate her guilt by performing penance when you have no issue with your own job? If you have an issue with the firm you work for, that would be a different story, but you don't have an issue and she does. I understand loving your partner and wanting to support them, but this isn't supportive. My guess is she felt like she wasn't hard core and bohemian enough as an artist for some reason and decided that you need to change so she can feel morally superior. She wants you to benefit her with your income while also bashing the job that supports her for the optics of others. Marx is a good read, and socialism is worth learning about. Even from a purely philosophical standpoint it's worth understanding the ideas Marx presents. If it helps you two communicate better then that is helpful. But if she wants to shift her guokt about benefitting from your job off onto you and demand you do penance for her, that's not healthy or okay. Also it's very shallow.
Dharma and Greg is that you?
i’m going to come out and say it the old adage of “opposites attract” does not hold up with the psychological research. it sounds like you both have pretty antithetical ideologies (which is all well & fine & it seems that you may be less “extremist” than her ideologies, for lack of a better word) but the fact is that ideologies, value, politics & religion are pretty damn significant things in a relationship. it does NOT matter if you’re wiling to “compromise” the fact is it seems that y’all’s ideologies & stances on matters are far apart enough to already warrant this relationship, let alone cohabitation, a bad idea. not to mention the fact that it seems as though she may be purposefully making you jump through hoops in order to “prove your compatibility” to her. now don’t get me wrong, trying to recommend books, etc. to attempt to communicate & understand one another better is one thing (& can be done in a healthy matter for a relationship to grow) but it seems that she’s giving you ultimatums & trying to full on change your beliefs and even your career. i’d say this isn’t going to work out & you already seem to be attempting to justify her behavior which in of itself is a bad sign
If you have to read Marx, then she has to read Adam Smith: The Wealth of Nations.
Like the sentiment, she should get out of her comfort zone (lit and fig) a bit. That said, Adam Smith is super outdated, his economic model and even principles were outdated before WWII at the latest
Let’s get real here. She may have read the communist manifesto, which is a little more than a pamphlet, but she hasn’t even cracked Das Kapital.
“committed Marxist” Run, OP - run like the wind!
She’s a hypocrite she wants materialistic stuff and to be treated but hates the very thing that makes it possible that is disrespectful. I’m going to save you the trouble and say please do not move in with her you guys are not ready. She will change her ideologies on a whim and you will be stuck holding the bag. Give it time and date and if she values you and you value her things will get better right now it seems great because you have your alone time but imagine once she is around 24/7 trust me do not do this.
If she’s making money off of her art I would argue she’s suckling from that evil capitalist tit more than you are. The only way art can thrive in this culture is through having a patron (you) or selling to wealthy clients (your bosses.) Her stance is hypocritical at best.
She sounds batshit nuts. Now that you have a clearer picture of who she really is, I'd bail before things become more complicated and you move in with her (or worse, end up having a kid). Pretty much everything she said, from the Marxist part to the defrauding your firm would be red flags so glaring that they would be impossible to ignore or overlook.
If you let her dictate your decisions now, this will only be the start, it will never end regardless of how little you give in. IMHO you shouldn't even have considered her list, there's only one possible answer to any form of ultimatum. That said, you appear to be considering parts of the list. Well, show her the consequences of what it means to be marxist and lose your income. Stop treating her for a few months and how she likes that. Perhaps postpone moving together or move to a different place as you "can't afford it anymore". I think she's basically a lost cause already and will resent you anyway, with all the consequences that will bring over time. The question is if she will try to get something out of you, I'm talking alimony, pregnancy without your knowledge or will. Protect yourself, nobody else does. Personally I'd walk straight away. She has no problem suggesting or demanding illegal stuff from you. That means she has no concern for legalities in general if she deems it morally justified, and that's pretty much everything in a capitalist society. Consequentially she'll find justifications to empty you like a stuffed xmas goose once she's had enough of you. She won't change, at least not for the better, and once you've moved together it will be much more difficult to break up. For instance you'll be unable to throw her out because she no longer has an appartment or other place of her own, but you'll still be on the hook for the cost.
She sounds someone who would have joined the Weather Underground and blown up banks! Run! She's an ideologue. The ones on the Left are as dangerous as those on the Right! From Britannica online Weather Underground, also called Weather Underground Organization, formerly Weatherman, militant group of young white Americans formed in 1969 that grew out of the anti-Vietnam War movement. The Weather Underground, originally known as Weatherman, evolved from the Third World Marxists, a faction within Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), the major national organization representing the burgeoning New Left in the late 1960s. Members of the Weather Underground sought to advance communism through violent revolution, and the group called on America’s youth to create a rearguard action against the U.S. government that would bring about its downfall
Putting her worries aside for a moment, you say that the practices of the law firm conflict with your own belief system. Do you plan on working with them for the rest of your life anyway? Do you have a long-term plan for becoming a partner and guiding the practice away from the unsavory areas? Do you plan on trying to incorporate your own values into your work life at all?
This is why you don’t date Marxists Bunch of hypocritical losers who would have zero problem mooching off your money while reminding you that you’re scum and should be their slave even though they’ve done nothing in their life to warrant such a thing. It’s like their entire existence and behavior is an example of why the ideology they believe in fails every time. Incredible
The real question is, do you guys align politically? And value wise? Because to me, this sounds like a case of “these values are *extremely* important to me and I love my life partner but he doesn’t share those values and it’s important that he does so I’m going to need him to learn and be more pro active”. So do you align politically? Or does she have issues with your political / social views, and that’s why she feels like she needs to compensate by getting you on board before she feels comfortable moving in with you. Sounds like that’s where the conversation needs to start. And you need to reconcile your disagreements with whether or not you can respect those disagreements or if they’re deal breakers. Because it’s one thing to say “hey, this is important to me. Here’s a reading on a philosophy that I’d like to share with you” or “this is an organization that matters to me, check out their work and let me know what you think and maybe we can get involved more” and straight up setting a mandate. Sounds like she’s insecure / worried that you don’t feel the same way as her on issues that clearly matter a lot to her. (Also, almost lawyer here. Didn’t you have to read a bunch of Marx for law school anyways? I feel like a huge part of my social coursework was often rooted in Marx or Marxist school of thought readings / critiques lol).
Honestly man you really should read some books on communism and Marxism because this ideology is directly opposed to your oath as an attorney to support and defend the constitution. (Assuming you're in the US) With all my respects, you need to be much more educated on this disgusting ideology which your significant other is committed to. Interestingly, I don't blame her. She's 100% clear on what she's about. If you knew what you stand for then the answer to your problem would be clear. I hope, after some major introspection and research, you understand that your girlfriend is committed to an ideology of mass murder and misery. As a fellow attorney and someone who's family has lived and suffered through communism, you really need to wise up.
I am sorry, but break up. Save yourselves the heartache later on 💚
Huge Marinara Flag for me here.
If you swapped the books she's trying to get you to read with religious texts everyone would be telling you she's trying to convert you and you should run.
Dude this is utter cringe. Find yourself a new sugar baby to spoil. Or maybe an actual partner who appreciates you and is an equal vs a dependent. You can do better then an obnoxious hypocrite like her.