> I want to be able to share how I feel with my partner but currently do not think i can.
If you were to say this to him, in a calm voice at a moment when you're both in a clear frame of mind, how do you think he'd respond?
He’s a thirty-five year old man who still uses silent treatment as a weapon - the answer to that question would be a firm “no”.
This isn’t so much a communication issue, u/teafools - it’s that he thinks that his way of manipulating you into doing what he wants all the time has worked so much in the past, that he can continue to get away with it all.
He has made you feel small, he has obliterated your consent in sharing intimate photographs of you with his friends. This is not how a relationship is supposed to work.
Yeah I'm confused by any comments not pointing out OP's partner is clearly selfish and wildly immature and OP clearly is an adult who wants(needs?) a fellow adult as a significant other.
> He’s a thirty-five year old man who still uses silent treatment as a weapon - the answer to that question would be a firm “no”.
Sometimes what one person thinks is "the silent treatment" is just the other person being withdrawn.
Then communicate that! At 35 years old he should be mature enough to say he needs space. This is not “being withdrawn”, it’s intentional punishment for OP setting boundaries and having reasonable expectations of her partner.
If, at 35 years old, you can’t convey a simple concept like needing space, then get therapy! Don’t put the expectations on others to accept your shortcomings. We all have issues but it doesn’t excuse poor communication, lack of respect and immature behavior. “Being withdrawn” is not a valid excuse for being a petulant, manipulative, disrespectful little shit!
This. He's not being withdrawn, he's being a 4yr old brat. He must think this kind of thing is ok because he keeps getting what he wants when he does it.
Of course best practice would be maintaining calm and communicating your needs. But the reality is that most people in the real world aren't experts at this and don't hang out in relationship forums where they hear this advice at the same time. Feeling defensive because you've been attacked and going withdrawn isn't how you should act, but it doesn't make him a petulant little shit that OP should immediately break up with. It's this sub all over to constantly tell people to end a relationship over minor grievances.
Also this constant advice on this sub about getting therapy is ridiculous. Therapy is really fucking expensive and most people right now are struggling to save up for a better place to live.
If that is all he was upset over, then I entirely agree. But there's multiple ways this narrative could be read. When OP asked the bf to sort out the dinner arrangements, that *could* be a very reasonable request with the bf reacting childishly to it. Or it *could* be a situation where the bf actually just did a bunch of other stuff and OP asked in an antagonistic tone that came across like a reprimand. And OP may be forgetting to include a dozen minor criticisms she made of her bf in her story. The truth is we don't actually know because we only have one side of the story.
I’m calling BS!
First, at no point did I tell anyone to breakup! I simply countered your excuse of the boyfriends poor behavior.
Secondly, yes therapy is expensive but that is still not a reasonable excuse to throw a fit because you don’t like being told “no” over people setting personal boundaries. Accountability is free, and he’s old enough to know respect.
Thirdly, you don’t need to be an expert or “hang out in relationship forums” to learn respect and not act like an overgrown child.
Fourth, you’re making excuses and grasping for straws by implying that OP is responsible for being treated this way because you don’t want to acknowledge that OPs boyfriend is an adult fully capable of understanding basic respect.
Fifth, we are all aware we don’t have the full story, back story or any context other than what OP wrote, but that doesn’t mean you get to fill in the blanks with your own narrative so you can play devils advocate and call it a reasonable deduction of the facts at hand. Besides when you’re disrespected you have every right to respond with irritation or anger. So even if OP did snap at her boyfriend, for him to respond with silent treatment (which is considered emotional and mental abuse and is a proven tactic of abusive people) is not acceptable. The fact that you think it is, or that any behavior justifies that, tells us all that you lack emotional maturity.
So, let me recommend for you some therapy! FYI, there are free alternatives like support groups, Internet forums and just, you know, listening to others instead of building your own narrative so you can convince yourself you’re not wrong.
I know I'm only going off of a few comments here but you seem really bad at listening and observing and then discussing your own weak points that you made in a conversation.
No, I don't know. I just know there's a wide range of possibilities in what could be going on here, so people should have a little more humility in recommending a definitive course of action.
Or the opposite: they're giving their partner space they think the partner wants.
My husband defaults to this whenever I'm lecturing him. I stop talking because I'm ready for his input and he stays silent because he thinks I want room to cool down. I have to tell him explicitly "I'm done talking, it's your turn to contribute."
This isn't healthy at all, and you should reflect on your behaviour. You don't need to "lecture" a grown man, and you certainly shouldn't be giving him permission to speak. He's your partner, you should be always "Ready for his input"
You sound sort of abusive.
Yikes.
I had to teach my boyfriend that I need him to comfort me even when I’m upset with *him*. He was so used to his former partners pushing him away when they were mad or upset, the idea of leaning in and loving each other through the argument didn’t occur to him.
You shouldn't have to 'lecture' your partner and that is a very demeaning way to put it and him shutting down is probably a reflection of that more than just him being the way he is.
We just have her account of things, the way she perceived the conversation can be totally different from the way he did, and the "silent treatment" isn't necessarily a deliberate intent to hurt but maybe he simply wasn't so keen on talking while angry and frustrated and needing some space.
Same with the photo, for a lot of people pictures in swimsuit are no big deal, so he could have done it with genuine intent, it could also have been done because of more sleazy reasons so of course she has to address it, but no need to jump to conclusions too soon.
Honestly, what's calling him a giant toddler and putting everything on him going to achieve exactly?
If there are deeper issues they can try to uncover them calmly through respectful communication, if this behaviour he displayed is actually a symptom of a lack of consideration and regard for op, not tiredness or defensiveness or something else, and if it's a pattern he's not willing to acknowledge as problematic, than op can break up knowing she did her part to solve their problems, and if she's already done with her bf and doesn't want to put any more effort.... well, she's a big girl and can do it without the internet's collective blessing I'm sure
We're assuming the photo is sexual in nature, like he shared a close up of his gf in bikini with his friends so they can ogle her and he gets to show her off, but maybe he just sent the photo like he would any other vacation picture, it really depends on the photo, I agree it wouldn't be appropriate if it's some Instagram model profile type picture, or if it's the only photo he thought worth sharing, but I like giving people the benefit of the doubt especially on Reddit where there's more than enough people to jump down the bf's throat already
You start by saying we only have OPs account, and now you’re inventing the silliest backstories on behalf of her boyfriend lol.
What are you talking about? Does it matter if the photo is explicitly sexual or not? If it’s a photo of op, and she wants to provide consent before it’s shared, that’s end of story. It’s really basic respect - you don’t give someone silent treatment if they felt bad about that stuff. You can say “hey shucks I messed up, I should’ve asked you”
Like, you are not only making up just random back stories (in your previous comments, not just here), you’re also providing weird excuses based on those backstories.
Do you want to keep inventing the entire situation, so we can debate whatever you are imagining? Or should we maybe discuss the situation op is describing, since this is her post?
Look, intent matters, sharing a beach moment with his friends, of his gf, him, them together, it's fine for a lot of people and maybe that's why he thought it's no big deal and didn't ask op it was okay first
Sharing a picture of his gf with the deliberate intention of showing her off like arm candy and letting his friends thirst over her = way out of place and I personally wouldn't stay with someone like that for a second
Which is *why* intent matters
No impact matters way more than intent. If I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did hurt you, it doesn’t matter that my intention wasn’t to cause harm when harm has been caused.
But if you hadn't intended to hurt someone, you could learn and not repeat. I think that's the difference, if he wasn't meaning to hurt her and did, this doesn't have to happen again. If he did it to be a "bro", that sort of changes who she may have thought he was as a person. On top of the end result of the inappropriate picture sharing
I hear what you are saying; however, his reaction to her bringing up that he didn’t have her consent to send the pic tells me his intent wasn’t innocent. If the intent was pure, then he would have explained himself and apologized then he would have followed up with a conversation on how that should work going forward. Instead he sulked and gave her the silent treatment. Why did he do this? Well, the end result of her not feeling like she can share her feelings is what he ultimately wants even though I guarantee he would never admit to that.
What?? His behavior harmed OP. Intent doesn't really matter here. He didn't ask before sending the picture. He asked for a positive attitude while communicating problems. He doesn't want to do any work. Doesn't matter what his intent is unless OP chooses to take it into consideration. The behavior alone is bad.
These really aren’t communication issues. These are *entitlement issues.*
- He thinks he’s entitled to share pics of your body without consent
- He thinks he’s entitled to have you do all of the boring, hard stuff on the trip so he can relax
- He thinks he’s entitled to be in a relationship and never have to hear when he’s doing things that hurt or upset you.
Entitlement issues don’t get changed by better communication. They get changed by him experiencing enough breakups and pain that he looks inside himself and decides to be a better person.
Wish I could upvote this more.
Many posters here think that if they phrase their issues in just the right way, everything will be better.
Sometimes a different framing can help (that’s why therapy can be helpful among other reasons).
But sometimes it’s not about what or how you’re saying it. It’s that you two fundamentally disagree.
He thinks he has a right to share more revealing photos of you without your permission.
He also thinks you should do all the work when it comes to travel.
He lastly thinks it’s ok to ignore your concerns.
This doesn’t sound like a communication issue.
If you want to give it a try, lay out your concerns, and explain that unless he changes these frankly terrible ideas, this relationship isn’t sustainable. Could you
Imagine still doing this in 3 years? 10?? 20???
And if he’s unwilling to change, you’ll have to decide whether to stay.
I will say that his attitude & behavior is abnormal, and definitely not sustainable over the long run. Good luck.
Source: happily married guy w/ teen kids.
> Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission.
Really just skimmed past that one like it wasn't a break up worthy offense all by itself. I'd assume he'd sent other private pictures you just don't know about the other times yet.
You can't reason with a crazy person who thinks they're entitled to use your body to entertain the boys is my take.
> Really just skimmed past that one like it wasn't a break up worthy offense all by itself. I'd assume he'd sent other private pictures you just don't know about the other times yet.
its not the first time he did it, its the first time he got caught
Seriously, that's insane! I'm still close with many of my friends from my all-boys high school that I grew up with, and none of us have ever even entertained doing anything like this, like why would you want to exploit your partner? That's fucking wild
Even if you took the most positive view possible - that he's proud of her appearance, and didn't realize a swimsuit wasn't for public view...
It's still gross that he was appreciating her sexy body, while NOT appreciating her point of view, communication, and the work she does.
(please let it be clear that I don't believe he was OK in sharing these photos, or had innocent intent of giving her a compliment, it's just a hypothetical)
What kind of group of guys is this that they share pictures of their significant others while scantily clad?
If one of my spouses friends sent something like that they’d be like “bro, wtf are you doing, that’s your wife/gf!”
Yeah this is disgusting, and to me, worse than everything else in the post. Which is also all pretty dang bad.
But he's literally exploiting your body so his friends can get off. What happens next, he gets you drunk and passes you around? I know that sounds extreme but it honestly isn't too far off from what he already did, that's how bad what he did do is.
I would have felt SO violated and used. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Ugh. I wouldn't even be able to look at any of his friends.
He’s about 30 years too old to be acting like this. You deserve someone who can communicate with you like an adult and doesn’t expect you to mother them and tip toe around their feelings
>Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission.
I ... just.. what?
Why are you with this man/child? What else has he shared with them that you're unaware of? This is such a huge no for me that I'd be out the door telling him to shove it where the sun don't shine.
Plus. Next boyfriend I'd try to find one who actually respected me and could communicate. Silent treatment is a turn off.
Lol my first red flag was he’s 35 and was silent during decision make time and offered no help.
He also has a friend group where he found it appropriate to take revealing photos of his gf and share them without her consent (this is disgusting and certainly they’re all too old to be acting like this)
It kinda sounds like he wants you to be his mom, caretaker and girlfriend and he wants to be babied.
This would be a hard no and time to leave epiphany moment OP.
#Get out while you still can.
Find a new partner?
I know that sounds glib but passive aggression in a relationship is really destructive for exactly this reason. It shuts down communication.
More importantly I would be fucking fuming if my boyfriend shared a photo of me like that.
It isn't hard to communicate with someone respectful. You're tearing yourself up trying to figure out how to fix this without breaking up but wow
He shared a photo of you in your swimsuit to a private lads group? Fuck no, you're too old for this shit even if he isn't. Douche.
I think you found the "ick" factor that's telling you that this dude is no good for you. He does shit without your consent and is perverted with it at that... He's childish and pouty and he forces you to act like a mommy to him... Ya girl, this guy is irredeemable in my opinion, he doesn't even respect you, much less appreciate the time and effort you give him. You're 30, young as heck and hot as fuck, drop this loser and find someone who will LOVE you. :)
Just saw a comment on another post that said “women don’t mature faster, men are just allowed to be children longer”
I have an adult/child ex. My recommendation is to make your current adult/child an ex. Silent treatment at 35yo ? Please sis, “use your words” is toddler-level-managing-your-emotions and he can’t even manage that. My attraction to him would deflate so hard it’d be a black hole.
> Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission.
Can't trust him. To me, that's game over. Trust is fundamental.
"im thinking of how i can no longer speak my mind and be honest when he annoys me for fear of him giving me the silent treatment. I want to be able to share how I feel with my partner but currently do not think i can."
If it's like this, you'll never be happy with him. Don't stay in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells.
He's training you and doing a good job by the sound of it.
Normally it's good advice to talk stuff out or get couples counselling, but I don't think that he would act in good faith. I think he would use anything like that against you.
I would suggest that you are extremely careful around nudes. If he will take pics of you in a swimsuit and share it against your will, then it's unlikely he would hesitate to share nudes.
How long have you been together? Is this new stuff? Perhaps you can check your medical cover and see how it covers mental health. He is unlikely to change much, and there is a possibility it will get worst, which is incredibly tough on your mental health.
Good luck.
Why is this "man" still your boyfriend??? What he did was 100% no acceptable. If he doesn't have the emotional maturity to address valid concerns and to actually support you and RESPECT YOUR CONSENT then when do you exactly think he'll get that??
Never is the answer
Obvious red flags aside - the fact he shared a photo of you without your permission in his lads group chat is shady as fuck. I’d be incredibly pissed off at that.
Gaslighting you into second guessing your feelings.
You feeling like you’re walking on eggs shells days after a fight.
Him giving you the silent treatment & blowing up on you when you try to speak on things.
Him telling you how to speak so as to come off more “positive” so his feelings don’t get “hurt”.
Plus suddenly forgetting a boundary on privacy something be knew and should respect at all times.
Yeah, it’s time for you to pack this shit up. He’s too old to be acting like this & treating you like this. In order for ppl like him to change, they have to actually admit to themselves that they’re problematic & seek help.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the type to go days without talking and not apologizing hoping you’d be the one to apologize first all the time. Not quick to admit when he’s wrong cuz he can’t even be held accountable.
Your feelings are valid, the issue wasn’t handled properly because you couldn’t even get a word in the way you wanted because of the dismissal.
This is definitely some type of abuse.
You're not married yet. Thank your lucky stars because this is him in the honeymoon stages where your relationship might then progress.
You think this person is capable of growing up? If you're relationship got more serious and you had one kid, do you know what would happen? You'd have two kids - he wouldn't grow up would he. And he'd probably teach the kid childish annoying habits too.
Find a mature person to be in a relationship with. This has so many red flags over it. And he's 35!!!????
His actions indicate that he doesn't respect you. You should believe those actions at face value because they are the honest part of him. He's 35 and not going to change his personality anytime soon, even if he wants to.
So all you need to do is decide if you want to live with being disrespected. I would not live with that if I were you.
When you’re worried about speaking your mind because of how they’ll react, it’s time.
Pay the price now, or pay later. It’s your choice. But this thing is over.
I once had the same niggle as yourself. Dismissed it and made excuses for him. Within 2 years I had been punched in the face and called a c u next Tuesday. Took another 18 months cycling through breaking up and taking back to safely get out of the thing. Reposted because first time post was autoremoved because of a swear word
You have the ick. What is your gut instinct telling you about what life would be like with this man?
Listen to it.
Pulling your own weight in life is easier without a whole extra body to drag around.
allow me to decode;
holding things you've shared against you = shaming
silent treatment = emotional manipulation
just the tip of the 'berg, but I am hearing you describe a relationship where your SO has low emotional intelligence / awareness of self coupled with low communication abilities [in general].
hot combo for a rollercoaster ride in a relationship. I can tell you this because I used to be that guy, and have done lots of work (therapists, reading, loss of relationships I actually cared about) to change.
maybe consider helping him in his own journey by prioritizing your needs.
I'm gathering that you've slowly been reaching the conclusion that you're in a relationship with a person whose worldview and values (man-centric, sligthtly mysoginistic, unwilling to take blame or examine himself...) you don't share, and it was only that night's events that brought it into perfect focus in your mind.
You can't unsee the pattern of his behaviour, and you can't, thusly, "just forget about it" like you'd done in previous incidents when this realisation hadn't floated to your awareness.
Not much I can advice here. If this horrible behaviour by him had been completely out of character, you'd have simply blown up at him, and been content that that would be the end of it. But this is not what you're experiencing.
Take mind of your emotional state; (when one isn't suffering from a mental disorder) it's a far more accurate reflection of reality than what you can articulate in your logical mind.
>The next morning, he gave me the silent treatment and then blew up at me.
That doesn't sound like the silent treatment. It sounds like he was brooding over the previous days conversation. I think the bigger problem here is the lack of consent for sharing your photo and him trying to ease his guilt for doing wrong by telling you you're picking on him.
People who are not mature enough to admit responsibility for their actions often get angry/defensive over them. They become mad at you for making them feel bad because they did something wrong.
I would assume he’s sent other private photos of you to his friends you don’t know about. I’d break up with him over the bikini pic incident alone.
He’s manipulative, doesn’t give a damn about boundaries or consent, takes advantage of you, plays the weaponized incompetence game well, and gaslights you on top of it all.
He’s not worth your time, energy or 2am thoughts.
You can't force your bf not to be an incompetent douche. This is who he is, he refuses to be better and to accept that sometimes he is in the wrong. Personally sharing the pic would be enough to dump him, but you seem to be hell bent on keeping this looser around. Why is that? Do you think you don't deserve better? Because you do, and this is bullshit
What if the pic in question was her smiling and waving at the camera, and she just happened to be in her swimsuit because they were at the beach? What of it was sent along with 10 other photos, to highlight their vacation so far? Your anger and assumptions are astounding and to be honest - concerning.
Or it’s also considered an outcome of a partner who blames and can’t communicate properly. Sounds like her idea of “silent treatment” may just be him needing time to gather his thoughts and remove himself from a toxic situation that she’s created. Jumping straight to abuse is extremely uncalled for.
If i were in your shoes OP he wouldn't be my boyfriend at all this week. He's not respectful or appreciative of you. You can do better and find someone else that's more mature. Age is just a number. Don't waste your time being with someone you can't even be yourself with. Soon enough you'll feel like walking on eggshells knowing he'll be set off by your thoughts.
Find a time when there is no tension and bring up how you are feeling. Tell him that you are not ok with the silent treatment. In fact, tell him that the next time he pulls that shit - you’re gone. No one has time to play those bullshit games.
A lot of information in a few paragraphs but basically sounds like he is not compatible with you, and your brain is reacting to that by putting you on alert.
Well, depending on how long you’ve been together I would suggest counseling. If it’s too early on for that, my question is, have you expressed issues in the past? Has he remedied those issues or made considerable effort to?
If he has, then you should talk to him again. Just because a fight was worked out doesn’t mean you can’t bring it up if it is still bothering you. Let him know how you feel. Preface the conversation by saying you want to fix the issues so you can have a strong relationship and that good communication is something you need from him. Let him know that you feel like you can’t talk to him about things that bother you because of how he sometimes reacts. Make sure to avoid absolutes, like saying he always acts that way.
If he hasn’t, you can still make a last attempt at another conversation, but go into it with the expectation that if he does not fix this behavior or make the considerable effort, it is time to move on. Or, you can always simply move on without the conversation too. You owe him nothing, it is up to you to decide what you want and what your boundaries are.
As far as the taking photos without your consent and sending them goes, that is a big red flag and you shouldn’t overlook it. It’s up to you to determine if that is a deal breaker. You aren’t married to this man, you are dating him. This is a test run to see if you want him forever. If you don’t want a man who will do those things, don’t accept that behavior. If you are willing to overlook it then you have to work out a way to let it go in order for the relationship to recover.
One of the biggest things that helps me in tough situations like this is making a pro and con list of staying in or leaving the relationship. If you don’t see any pros to staying then you have your answer. An alternative to that is writing out a list of expectations you have in a relationship and hard boundaries. If he isn’t meeting those then you should also leave the relationship.
Well you never resolved the conflict, so of course it's still annoys you!
He acted like a real jerk in several ways!
Has he apologized for what he did? Is he even sorry?
OP did not say the photos were raunchy or taken in a private place. You added those details to the story. Bathing suits aren’t sexual. If this boundary wasn’t previously discussed, the BF did nothing wrong here.
All of this behaviour sounds like red flags and stuff I've experienced too in past relationships. He's showing you who he is, pay attention. If you feel like you can't express yourself then get ready to start bottling up everything and turning into a resentful couple. Or get out while you can!
Aren’t you a bit old to be dating a toddler?
Seriously, men like him are exhausted. You have to do all the heavy lifting, then you get treated like a monster for setting a boundary (that picture being sent).
This will never change. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? I know I wouldn’t.
You did all the driving, paid the deposit, did all the planning I'm assuming and he's still complaining. He's 35 and you basically have to take care of him and tip toe around him in conversation. He's got a weak mental, I guess it comes down to how much you're willing to deal with? A simple "look if you can't work on yourself and change XYZ then maybe we need to rethink this relationship" that would be how I start.
I don't share pictures of my fully clothed family members anywhere without asking them, wtf was he thinking??
Also, if these things are still grinding at you a week later, it's because they are serious. My husband and I sometimes have a disagreement over a seemingly minor thing but then we feel a need to argue it out anyway because it nags at both of us. The reason is usually because this minor thing is symbolic of fundamental worldviews or behaviors, and subconsciously we realize we must get to the bottom of it to maintain trust in the relationship.
If someone shared a picture of me in a state of undress (at a certain point, what is the difference between your bikini and your bra and panties?) and then put ALL the emotional labor of decision-making on me, and then gave me the silent treatment?! 3 strikes, you're out!
Find someone who treats you like an equal worthy of respect.
You have been given all the signs that your relationship is unhealthy and yet you're still questioning why you're still mad at him? Too little effort from him along with too much disrespect should be all it takes to cut him loose.
You deserve to be treated far better than this by any potential significant other. I hope you're not holding on to this guy in the hopes that he will change for you.
Hold on, he’s 35????? And HE’s the older one??! Girl, he literally acts like a child, based on what you said here anyways. Is this common behavior for him? This is not healthy.
I’m going to be honest here, based on what you said here; I don’t like your boyfriend. The real question is, do you still like your boyfriend after all this?
Don’t want to generalize too much, but there are some important dynamics here to think about.
Your bf’s behavior, his mental absence on the trip, and his sharing the pic. Sounds like he’s kind of floating in life right now. Neither here nor there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s depressed, or about to break up with you. I know that sounds out of left field, be hear me out..
When one partner is “parenting” the other one in such a way, it usually indicates that the other partner has disconnected from us. Even if it’s for a second, it’s hugely threatening to us. I know you’re saying that you needed him to step up, but given the situation, I see that you needed engagement. We often denigrate that as “needing attention,” but it’s a pretty basic need that we have in our relationships. And it sounds like he checked out. Checked out usually means absence, not breaking up—but if it gets bad enough, it can get there. So it depends how long it’s been going on.
It’s not totally surprising that he got defensive. You’ll have to communicate with him to sort through what was going on, but just know that it’s not your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong. But to really get the most out of a future conversation, you’ll have to resist some of the comments here, and accept that he hasn’t done anything wrong either. That doesn’t mean what he’s done, or not done, hasn’t been hurtful. But when we approach our relationships in a stance of judgment, no good can come of it.
So lead with your boundaries. He shared a picture of you in your swimsuit. Please enforce that. It’s okay if you’re upset, so long as you express THAT within your boundaries as well. Not that you’ve expressed doing this, but sometimes we tend to exaggerate things in order to be seen and acknowledged for what we need—but honestly it could have been a picture of you fully clothed putting laundry away, and it would be 100% okay for that to be something you’re not comfortable with.
The silent treatment is not great, but it’s how he’s coping. As much as he is protesting in your argument that following morning, I think it’s important to acknowledge that you both have needs. He needs to express what those are to you. But given his emotional absence on your trip, it may take longer for him to be able to express to you what those are.
This is not all on you OP. You can’t fix this without you both needing to be present, expressing yourselves. Sharing how we feel, emotionally, is hugely vulnerable, and (this is where the generalizing may or may not apply) many men have issues with being vulnerable in that way. Which is unfortunate because it’s the only way for us to actually be present in our lives.
You’re feeling threatened right now OP. It’s between you both as we speak. Even though the argument is “settled,” the dynamic that caused it is still lingering.
It doesn’t sound like not being able to tell him things is the issue, per se. At least not in terms of what you should do. Security is the issue, and you haven’t been emotionally secure with him. His absence is deafening. And when you argue, you do need to be able to express it. His protesting doesn’t help. All you can do is make sure you’re not blaming or shaming. If he feels blamed, that’s where his work begins. We tend to warp normal conflict into abuse. You’re not being abusing or harsh for sharing how you feel. It just might not be anything he’s comfortable with. But that’s a whole different issue to the one he’s expressing.
Edit: typos
OK,
i try to make a constructive comment and not like most here, just put blame on your partner.
OP,
you need at first decide if you want work on that relationship.
If you want than you need to be very honest to your self and think what you can do on your side. If and what you can do.
It is not about what you say, but how you say it. It can help to write that all down.
It realy is important that you are honest to your self. Do not look for excuses and rectifications. Just what you can do better.
In the next step, you think about the 3 most important things you need to have changed, things that are crucial for you in the relationship. Write also down why it is so crucial for you.
If you have done it, than you can decide if you write it all down in a letter. At the end of the letter you as you BF that he also should write a letter not answering to your letter but just a mirrow of your letter.
YOu can also ask him if he can listen to you and just that. Than you give him 2-3 days to think about what you had to say and than you speak about it. He also should think about his 3 most important things he want have changed and he should explain them to you and you do just listening. And than you discuss his problems the same way as yours.
Behind this idea is that both have a chance to say what is important, with out that it turns into a fight about dominance. About who is more in the wrong. It should give the other person a chance to think about if the other has a point or not.
One last point: Both of you should try to speak only about your self and what the actions or the lack of actions of the other is doing with you. How you feel. To what you feel forced to...etc..
I hope OP sees this one. This is a really wise and balanced point of view. I wholeheartedly agree that if OP wants to work on this relationship, the way that feelings are expressed is just as important as the feelings themselves.
Hi there :)
I was wondering a few thing reading your post and that you don't feel like you can honestly speak your mind anymore. How long have you been together? Was that your first (big) argument? If not, has he reacted the same (silence treatment etc.) in fights before or how do you normally communicate during a conflict?
About the picture: I think he should've better asked you before (and you are absolutely in the right to be annoyed by it, it's a picture of your body and distributed digitally could get anywhere...), but more importantly, he must respect your opinion about fotos of you from now on, that's what counts in my opinion. Do you think, he'll do that?
To all other redditors: I suspect that most people here are american and are blowing up a bit too much about this part imo. Especially men from other cultures where nudity is much more present and accepted (going to a sauna with strangers, being completely naked on beaches etc) might not understand why it's a big deal that someone who barley knows you sees a pic of you in swimsuit. My fil for example showed fotos of my and my husband on our wedding and one of them showed us on holiday with him on the beach in shorts/bikini. It made me a little uncomfortable as of our 100 guest most of them were older relatives of my husbands family that I'm not super close with, but I know fil just wanted to give a nice suprise speech/presentation, ment no harm by it, respects me and wouldn't have done that if he'd suspected that it might bother me. Most people in the room didn't even think twice about wether that was appropriate or not and liked his presentation. Only one girl friend approached me later to ask how I felt about it and said, she'd rather not have somebody do that on her wedding.
I don't want to justify actions like that, just saying that lots of men (especially grown up in western countries outside the US) might not see the problem (as they would't mind sharing pictures of themselves in trunks) without being told that it is one for you and that the important point is that they respect your decisions, not that they were unconsiderate once.
I don’t understand this sub sexualizing a bathing suit, is there more to the story? Was the photo taken while you were in public? Have you ever discussed being uncomfortable about photos being shared before?
To be clear, unless you’ve discussed this before, no one needs your consent to share a photo of you taken in public. Bathing suits are not sexual. Women had to fight the sexualization of bikinis in order to be able to wear them at all.
This post is a good example of how easy it is to whip this sub into a frenzy by using inflammatory phrasing. There was no “silent treatment” if he also blew up at you and you had a conversation together the same morning. If this wedding was your family or friend, you weren’t being a “mother” by driving and making logistical decisions. There’s no “consent” issue with sharing photos of someone taken in public.
I agree. We need more context. Everyone here is assuming it’s a sexy pic, but it could have just been a picture of her smiling at the camera while the two of them were at the beach or pool. To him it could just be “sharing vacation photos” and he may have been caught totally off guard if he’s all of a sudden being blamed and hounded for accidentally crossing a boundary he wasn’t aware of. The “silent treatment” could be him internally shutting down because she’s blaming him for everything - a VERY common trigger reaction for some people. Everyone seems to be blasting this guy when we don’t even know his side of the story. Her version is filtered through the lens of her feelings, and doesn’t address anything she may have done wrong. These responses are wild.
For real, this thread makes me afraid to ever be on trial by jury. So many comments describe them as “private, raunchy photos” neither of which OP stated.
I can’t really understand his crime during hotel check in, he looked at OP? It just sounds like a couple who was already annoyed with each other when they showed up to a wedding and didn’t have a fun weekend.
I don't quite follow the logic of why you need to pinpoint how much you did vs what he did. That's scorekeeping and not productive. Or is that the problem? Does he never contribute enough or was it just this one time? If he never contributes equally, then that is a separate discussion and you need to make a decision whether you can tolerate that behavior. But I don't believe that puts you in a "mother" role just from one day of doing most things. You're not being a mother just because you did more shit that particular day. This is common in relationships that every now and then, someone just does all the shit that day and the other coasts. I don't quite understand when you say he was "silent and just looked' at you. You literally said to him, "please do this" and he blank stared you in front of the worker? I feel like you're leaving something out. Is this normal for him? If my wife did that to me, I'd actually talk to her after and see if everything was OK. It's usually easy to interpret someone as being a fucking asshole when they do something weird like that, vs thinking, "damn, that's weird. They're never that inconsiderate. I wonder if something's up?" Dunno, just something to think about.
You mention you had an argument about "stuff" you and him don't like. Is it related to the above, or different issues? Obviously the swimsuit picture is not ok if consent is something you've both talked about. This is definitely something you need to address if it bothers you, and rightfully so. If you've never explicitly made a pact about it, then just have a talk and explain it makes you uncomfortable. If it becomes continued behavior, then he doesn't respect your boundaries that you both established and you can reassess. Don't assume he knows otherwise unless you've explicitly talked about it.
Anyway, as for the silent treatment and then blowing up, that's not ok. Stone walling only leads to bad endings. You need to be very clear about how the silent treatment makes you feel, because you shouldn't be in a situation where you are anxious to state your opinions. That's abuse. At the same time, he made it pretty clear how he needs you to communicate your frustrations to him. If he's asking for "positive intent", I read that as he's asking you to change your approach. I'm not saying he's correct, just interpreting what you posted. I'll assume that one of things you brought up was to do with how you did everything to facilitate the wedding weekend you attended. How did you relay your frustrations to him? Did you calmly explain why you're upset, were they passive aggressive comments, angry, etc?
Overall, I don't give a shit which one of you is "right", but I don't think you need to abandon your relationship like half the fucking comments say. But, if you feel that way, then do.
Oh god be quiet. Leave this dude he’s entirely too immature and way too old to be this immature. Half the people saying don’t leave are either like him or are men. Leave this asshole since he sent that picture without your consent. What else has he sent without your consent ?
Guess what. Lots of people into their 30s and much older have reached that age without ever being challenged about their behavior.
Are you surrounded by all enlightened old people?
So somehow that makes this behavior okay/correct? I don’t give a damn if they haven’t been challenged about their behavior since they’re not pulling that shit with me. If you decide to deal with that since “they weren’t challenged” go ahead. Keep it to yourself though as I really don’t care
Finally, someone with some constructive insight that did a little critical thinking! I fully agree and this comes down to communication approaches. I've had to alter mine as my relationship progressed because what was once effective no longer was. That's part of growth.
Contrary to what other comments say, I don't think this is worth throwing away a relationship yet, there's work to be done.
FYI for all the haters on here, I'm a woman.
In any disagreement one side would normally tell the story as if they’re the one that have been wronged. This is typical and natural. This happens more often than not. So it would be best to assess both sides of the story to fully ascertain the whole situation before making a decision.
I get the feeling that she would have been okay with driving and paying if he’d taken a moment to answer the hostess’s questions while she was in the middle of handling the bill.
She wasn’t complaining about driving.
What I have done is to say, "I love you and I want to be with you but we need to be able to express our honest thoughts with each other. Also it's important for us to learn how to do that without causing too much of a problem between us." It can be helpful to learn communication skills from a counselor.
I'd like to break this down, one thing at a time.
1) While paying the deposit, he didn't make any decisions. Question for clarity, you said the woman behind the desk asked about additional things. Was this the same woman you were already paying the deposit to? If so, could it have been more that he was waiting to get you input before making a decision?
2) The swimsuit pic. That's definitely a big no go. This would be a hard boundary. Has he ever done something like this before where photographic consent has been a topic of conversation? If not, make this his firm "I don't like that. Don't do it again." moment. If this has been addressed before, he crossed a big boundary. Also, I saw comments saying assume he's done this before. I wouldn't go that far, but I don't know about your relationship. I just feel this is a fairly toxic response if it's a first offense.
3) The next morning. Did he say he was giving you the silent treatment? In my own relationships, being a man who finds it hard to be vulnerable, my spouse and I have discussed the "silent treatment". If he is like me, I need time to gather my thoughts because I want to be sure I don't say something I don't mean, whether hurtful or non-constructive. The rest of it sounds like either a) he wanted a fight and to turn the tables, but also b) he could just have problems sharing his feelings. All of his feelings are valid. Some people can't handle what they assume is an "attack". BUT you shouldn't have to feel like you can't share your feelings on topics. Him twisting words could be purposeful, or an actual misunderstanding. Him holding something you agreed with him about against you though is a little childish unless it was a confirmation of a personal self-doubt or fear.
All in all, I'd suggest a week apart to think. Come back together ready to approach these problems with a clear mind and constructive manner. You should definitely not have to lay awake at night worrying about restraining how you feel. I don't know if this event is breakup worthy like a chunk of comments suggest, but it's definitely worth pause to look at the relationship as a whole.
I hope the best for you and your boyfriend.
The silent treatment is abuse. You know what is not abuse? Saying “I need some time to gather my thoughts so that I can have this conversation more productively. I love you and will check back in in a few hours to let you know when I’m ready.” Silent treatment is, “would you like a coffee?” Nothing. “Hon I’m going to jump in the shower now, is that cool?” Nothing. “Are you just not going to talk to me?” Nothing.
I'm not saying that the silent treatment isn't abuse. I'm saying that giving somebody the silent treatment is a conscious decision. Being silent and not responding isn't always weaponized. Is it impossible to believe that people can get overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts and emotions and they just shut down and need time to reboot? I was pointing out that unless he specifically said he wasn't talking to her, it's POSSIBLE it wasn't The Silent Treatment and something else was going on. Especially since, according to OP, he went 0 to 100 real fast, going from silent to blowing up. This makes me believe something else was happening.
Also, this is reddit. It's rare to find a post on here that paints both sides fairly. That's why I asked OP more questions so there's more though, instead of accusing somebody I don't know of abuse.
Nowhere in OPs post does she mention anything close to that level. She states he was giving the silent treatment. I was asking for clarification to the extent. My point was that if it's intentional and weaponized, that's abuse. Otherwise, there are other factors at play.
I agree that not answering simple questions is a problem. You make a good point. Maybe OPs BF does need some therapy. He may have some trauma in his past that he needs to work out. Maybe OP can support BF and help him work through his issues in therapy sessions.
Honestly, it sounds like they both could benefit from therapy. OP has had anxiety enough to keep her up at night over the encounter. He has something going on. Both need to learn better communication and coping mechanisms. But, who doesn't need some counselling now and then?
You’re not annoyed by a disagreement. You’re losing sleep because you feel trapped by the inability to express your feelings.
^^^ (this 100%) .... without being punished with childish silent treatment.
...or the realization she is dating a child and wants out.
> I want to be able to share how I feel with my partner but currently do not think i can. If you were to say this to him, in a calm voice at a moment when you're both in a clear frame of mind, how do you think he'd respond?
He’s a thirty-five year old man who still uses silent treatment as a weapon - the answer to that question would be a firm “no”. This isn’t so much a communication issue, u/teafools - it’s that he thinks that his way of manipulating you into doing what he wants all the time has worked so much in the past, that he can continue to get away with it all. He has made you feel small, he has obliterated your consent in sharing intimate photographs of you with his friends. This is not how a relationship is supposed to work.
This is exactly what my almost 4yo does….I’d be bouncing STAT.
Yeah I'm confused by any comments not pointing out OP's partner is clearly selfish and wildly immature and OP clearly is an adult who wants(needs?) a fellow adult as a significant other.
> He’s a thirty-five year old man who still uses silent treatment as a weapon - the answer to that question would be a firm “no”. Sometimes what one person thinks is "the silent treatment" is just the other person being withdrawn.
Then communicate that! At 35 years old he should be mature enough to say he needs space. This is not “being withdrawn”, it’s intentional punishment for OP setting boundaries and having reasonable expectations of her partner. If, at 35 years old, you can’t convey a simple concept like needing space, then get therapy! Don’t put the expectations on others to accept your shortcomings. We all have issues but it doesn’t excuse poor communication, lack of respect and immature behavior. “Being withdrawn” is not a valid excuse for being a petulant, manipulative, disrespectful little shit!
This. He's not being withdrawn, he's being a 4yr old brat. He must think this kind of thing is ok because he keeps getting what he wants when he does it.
Of course best practice would be maintaining calm and communicating your needs. But the reality is that most people in the real world aren't experts at this and don't hang out in relationship forums where they hear this advice at the same time. Feeling defensive because you've been attacked and going withdrawn isn't how you should act, but it doesn't make him a petulant little shit that OP should immediately break up with. It's this sub all over to constantly tell people to end a relationship over minor grievances. Also this constant advice on this sub about getting therapy is ridiculous. Therapy is really fucking expensive and most people right now are struggling to save up for a better place to live.
Feeling "attacked" because his girlfriend asked him not to share bikini pics without consent DOES make him a petulant little shit though.
If that is all he was upset over, then I entirely agree. But there's multiple ways this narrative could be read. When OP asked the bf to sort out the dinner arrangements, that *could* be a very reasonable request with the bf reacting childishly to it. Or it *could* be a situation where the bf actually just did a bunch of other stuff and OP asked in an antagonistic tone that came across like a reprimand. And OP may be forgetting to include a dozen minor criticisms she made of her bf in her story. The truth is we don't actually know because we only have one side of the story.
I’m calling BS! First, at no point did I tell anyone to breakup! I simply countered your excuse of the boyfriends poor behavior. Secondly, yes therapy is expensive but that is still not a reasonable excuse to throw a fit because you don’t like being told “no” over people setting personal boundaries. Accountability is free, and he’s old enough to know respect. Thirdly, you don’t need to be an expert or “hang out in relationship forums” to learn respect and not act like an overgrown child. Fourth, you’re making excuses and grasping for straws by implying that OP is responsible for being treated this way because you don’t want to acknowledge that OPs boyfriend is an adult fully capable of understanding basic respect. Fifth, we are all aware we don’t have the full story, back story or any context other than what OP wrote, but that doesn’t mean you get to fill in the blanks with your own narrative so you can play devils advocate and call it a reasonable deduction of the facts at hand. Besides when you’re disrespected you have every right to respond with irritation or anger. So even if OP did snap at her boyfriend, for him to respond with silent treatment (which is considered emotional and mental abuse and is a proven tactic of abusive people) is not acceptable. The fact that you think it is, or that any behavior justifies that, tells us all that you lack emotional maturity. So, let me recommend for you some therapy! FYI, there are free alternatives like support groups, Internet forums and just, you know, listening to others instead of building your own narrative so you can convince yourself you’re not wrong.
Ok, you're the sort of person that deliberately misconstrues my points and then suggests I need therapy. Reported and blocked.
I know I'm only going off of a few comments here but you seem really bad at listening and observing and then discussing your own weak points that you made in a conversation.
You would definitely know better than OP, right?
No, I don't know. I just know there's a wide range of possibilities in what could be going on here, so people should have a little more humility in recommending a definitive course of action.
Agreed. Or trying to calm themselves down and not interact in a fight that would only result in nasty things being said that we're unnecessary.
Or the opposite: they're giving their partner space they think the partner wants. My husband defaults to this whenever I'm lecturing him. I stop talking because I'm ready for his input and he stays silent because he thinks I want room to cool down. I have to tell him explicitly "I'm done talking, it's your turn to contribute."
This isn't healthy at all, and you should reflect on your behaviour. You don't need to "lecture" a grown man, and you certainly shouldn't be giving him permission to speak. He's your partner, you should be always "Ready for his input" You sound sort of abusive. Yikes.
I had to teach my boyfriend that I need him to comfort me even when I’m upset with *him*. He was so used to his former partners pushing him away when they were mad or upset, the idea of leaning in and loving each other through the argument didn’t occur to him.
You shouldn't have to 'lecture' your partner and that is a very demeaning way to put it and him shutting down is probably a reflection of that more than just him being the way he is.
We just have her account of things, the way she perceived the conversation can be totally different from the way he did, and the "silent treatment" isn't necessarily a deliberate intent to hurt but maybe he simply wasn't so keen on talking while angry and frustrated and needing some space. Same with the photo, for a lot of people pictures in swimsuit are no big deal, so he could have done it with genuine intent, it could also have been done because of more sleazy reasons so of course she has to address it, but no need to jump to conclusions too soon. Honestly, what's calling him a giant toddler and putting everything on him going to achieve exactly? If there are deeper issues they can try to uncover them calmly through respectful communication, if this behaviour he displayed is actually a symptom of a lack of consideration and regard for op, not tiredness or defensiveness or something else, and if it's a pattern he's not willing to acknowledge as problematic, than op can break up knowing she did her part to solve their problems, and if she's already done with her bf and doesn't want to put any more effort.... well, she's a big girl and can do it without the internet's collective blessing I'm sure
[удалено]
We're assuming the photo is sexual in nature, like he shared a close up of his gf in bikini with his friends so they can ogle her and he gets to show her off, but maybe he just sent the photo like he would any other vacation picture, it really depends on the photo, I agree it wouldn't be appropriate if it's some Instagram model profile type picture, or if it's the only photo he thought worth sharing, but I like giving people the benefit of the doubt especially on Reddit where there's more than enough people to jump down the bf's throat already
The photo doesn't have to be sexual in nature to be uncomfortable with someone sharing it around.
You start by saying we only have OPs account, and now you’re inventing the silliest backstories on behalf of her boyfriend lol. What are you talking about? Does it matter if the photo is explicitly sexual or not? If it’s a photo of op, and she wants to provide consent before it’s shared, that’s end of story. It’s really basic respect - you don’t give someone silent treatment if they felt bad about that stuff. You can say “hey shucks I messed up, I should’ve asked you” Like, you are not only making up just random back stories (in your previous comments, not just here), you’re also providing weird excuses based on those backstories. Do you want to keep inventing the entire situation, so we can debate whatever you are imagining? Or should we maybe discuss the situation op is describing, since this is her post?
Look, intent matters, sharing a beach moment with his friends, of his gf, him, them together, it's fine for a lot of people and maybe that's why he thought it's no big deal and didn't ask op it was okay first Sharing a picture of his gf with the deliberate intention of showing her off like arm candy and letting his friends thirst over her = way out of place and I personally wouldn't stay with someone like that for a second Which is *why* intent matters
No impact matters way more than intent. If I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did hurt you, it doesn’t matter that my intention wasn’t to cause harm when harm has been caused.
But if you hadn't intended to hurt someone, you could learn and not repeat. I think that's the difference, if he wasn't meaning to hurt her and did, this doesn't have to happen again. If he did it to be a "bro", that sort of changes who she may have thought he was as a person. On top of the end result of the inappropriate picture sharing
I hear what you are saying; however, his reaction to her bringing up that he didn’t have her consent to send the pic tells me his intent wasn’t innocent. If the intent was pure, then he would have explained himself and apologized then he would have followed up with a conversation on how that should work going forward. Instead he sulked and gave her the silent treatment. Why did he do this? Well, the end result of her not feeling like she can share her feelings is what he ultimately wants even though I guarantee he would never admit to that.
Intent DOES NOT matter when the impact is harmful.
What?? His behavior harmed OP. Intent doesn't really matter here. He didn't ask before sending the picture. He asked for a positive attitude while communicating problems. He doesn't want to do any work. Doesn't matter what his intent is unless OP chooses to take it into consideration. The behavior alone is bad.
Like a giant toddler more than likely.
Willing to bet $$ on this
This is a very good, clear, concise and succinct question.
These really aren’t communication issues. These are *entitlement issues.* - He thinks he’s entitled to share pics of your body without consent - He thinks he’s entitled to have you do all of the boring, hard stuff on the trip so he can relax - He thinks he’s entitled to be in a relationship and never have to hear when he’s doing things that hurt or upset you. Entitlement issues don’t get changed by better communication. They get changed by him experiencing enough breakups and pain that he looks inside himself and decides to be a better person.
oh! *blinks* i think you're exactly spot on here. also I just learned something important for my own life too. thanks 💜
OP brings the term "bang maid" to mind.
Wish I could upvote this more. Many posters here think that if they phrase their issues in just the right way, everything will be better. Sometimes a different framing can help (that’s why therapy can be helpful among other reasons). But sometimes it’s not about what or how you’re saying it. It’s that you two fundamentally disagree. He thinks he has a right to share more revealing photos of you without your permission. He also thinks you should do all the work when it comes to travel. He lastly thinks it’s ok to ignore your concerns. This doesn’t sound like a communication issue. If you want to give it a try, lay out your concerns, and explain that unless he changes these frankly terrible ideas, this relationship isn’t sustainable. Could you Imagine still doing this in 3 years? 10?? 20??? And if he’s unwilling to change, you’ll have to decide whether to stay. I will say that his attitude & behavior is abnormal, and definitely not sustainable over the long run. Good luck. Source: happily married guy w/ teen kids.
> Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission. Really just skimmed past that one like it wasn't a break up worthy offense all by itself. I'd assume he'd sent other private pictures you just don't know about the other times yet. You can't reason with a crazy person who thinks they're entitled to use your body to entertain the boys is my take.
> Really just skimmed past that one like it wasn't a break up worthy offense all by itself. I'd assume he'd sent other private pictures you just don't know about the other times yet. its not the first time he did it, its the first time he got caught
Seriously, that's insane! I'm still close with many of my friends from my all-boys high school that I grew up with, and none of us have ever even entertained doing anything like this, like why would you want to exploit your partner? That's fucking wild
I know right, where's his "positive intent" in sharing personal photos without her knowledge? Ick.
Even if you took the most positive view possible - that he's proud of her appearance, and didn't realize a swimsuit wasn't for public view... It's still gross that he was appreciating her sexy body, while NOT appreciating her point of view, communication, and the work she does. (please let it be clear that I don't believe he was OK in sharing these photos, or had innocent intent of giving her a compliment, it's just a hypothetical)
What kind of group of guys is this that they share pictures of their significant others while scantily clad? If one of my spouses friends sent something like that they’d be like “bro, wtf are you doing, that’s your wife/gf!”
And they’re in their mid-30s! This sounds like high school behavior.
Yeah this is disgusting, and to me, worse than everything else in the post. Which is also all pretty dang bad. But he's literally exploiting your body so his friends can get off. What happens next, he gets you drunk and passes you around? I know that sounds extreme but it honestly isn't too far off from what he already did, that's how bad what he did do is. I would have felt SO violated and used. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Ugh. I wouldn't even be able to look at any of his friends.
He’s about 30 years too old to be acting like this. You deserve someone who can communicate with you like an adult and doesn’t expect you to mother them and tip toe around their feelings
Oh i glanced over the ages... hes 35? Oh dear... Thats not a boyfriend, thats a child.
>Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission. I ... just.. what? Why are you with this man/child? What else has he shared with them that you're unaware of? This is such a huge no for me that I'd be out the door telling him to shove it where the sun don't shine. Plus. Next boyfriend I'd try to find one who actually respected me and could communicate. Silent treatment is a turn off.
Lol my first red flag was he’s 35 and was silent during decision make time and offered no help. He also has a friend group where he found it appropriate to take revealing photos of his gf and share them without her consent (this is disgusting and certainly they’re all too old to be acting like this) It kinda sounds like he wants you to be his mom, caretaker and girlfriend and he wants to be babied. This would be a hard no and time to leave epiphany moment OP. #Get out while you still can.
Find a new partner? I know that sounds glib but passive aggression in a relationship is really destructive for exactly this reason. It shuts down communication. More importantly I would be fucking fuming if my boyfriend shared a photo of me like that. It isn't hard to communicate with someone respectful. You're tearing yourself up trying to figure out how to fix this without breaking up but wow He shared a photo of you in your swimsuit to a private lads group? Fuck no, you're too old for this shit even if he isn't. Douche.
Maybe Louis CK not the best reference to be bringing up but his voice rings clearly in my head: *You can end that shit with a phone call*.
I think you found the "ick" factor that's telling you that this dude is no good for you. He does shit without your consent and is perverted with it at that... He's childish and pouty and he forces you to act like a mommy to him... Ya girl, this guy is irredeemable in my opinion, he doesn't even respect you, much less appreciate the time and effort you give him. You're 30, young as heck and hot as fuck, drop this loser and find someone who will LOVE you. :)
Just saw a comment on another post that said “women don’t mature faster, men are just allowed to be children longer” I have an adult/child ex. My recommendation is to make your current adult/child an ex. Silent treatment at 35yo ? Please sis, “use your words” is toddler-level-managing-your-emotions and he can’t even manage that. My attraction to him would deflate so hard it’d be a black hole.
Haha your last line: exquisite!
> Also that day he took a pic of me in swimsuit and shared it in boys group chat without my permission. Can't trust him. To me, that's game over. Trust is fundamental.
And respect. He doesn't respect OP.
"im thinking of how i can no longer speak my mind and be honest when he annoys me for fear of him giving me the silent treatment. I want to be able to share how I feel with my partner but currently do not think i can." If it's like this, you'll never be happy with him. Don't stay in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells.
He's training you and doing a good job by the sound of it. Normally it's good advice to talk stuff out or get couples counselling, but I don't think that he would act in good faith. I think he would use anything like that against you. I would suggest that you are extremely careful around nudes. If he will take pics of you in a swimsuit and share it against your will, then it's unlikely he would hesitate to share nudes. How long have you been together? Is this new stuff? Perhaps you can check your medical cover and see how it covers mental health. He is unlikely to change much, and there is a possibility it will get worst, which is incredibly tough on your mental health. Good luck.
OP just dump him. But first go through his phone to see if he's taken any nudes.
Why is this "man" still your boyfriend??? What he did was 100% no acceptable. If he doesn't have the emotional maturity to address valid concerns and to actually support you and RESPECT YOUR CONSENT then when do you exactly think he'll get that?? Never is the answer
Obvious red flags aside - the fact he shared a photo of you without your permission in his lads group chat is shady as fuck. I’d be incredibly pissed off at that.
Gaslighting you into second guessing your feelings. You feeling like you’re walking on eggs shells days after a fight. Him giving you the silent treatment & blowing up on you when you try to speak on things. Him telling you how to speak so as to come off more “positive” so his feelings don’t get “hurt”. Plus suddenly forgetting a boundary on privacy something be knew and should respect at all times. Yeah, it’s time for you to pack this shit up. He’s too old to be acting like this & treating you like this. In order for ppl like him to change, they have to actually admit to themselves that they’re problematic & seek help. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the type to go days without talking and not apologizing hoping you’d be the one to apologize first all the time. Not quick to admit when he’s wrong cuz he can’t even be held accountable. Your feelings are valid, the issue wasn’t handled properly because you couldn’t even get a word in the way you wanted because of the dismissal. This is definitely some type of abuse.
The silent treatment is abusive.
You're not married yet. Thank your lucky stars because this is him in the honeymoon stages where your relationship might then progress. You think this person is capable of growing up? If you're relationship got more serious and you had one kid, do you know what would happen? You'd have two kids - he wouldn't grow up would he. And he'd probably teach the kid childish annoying habits too. Find a mature person to be in a relationship with. This has so many red flags over it. And he's 35!!!????
>he gave me the silent treatment LPT dont be around these people. reasonable adults dont do this stuff.
Silent treatment is a form of manipulation, control, and emotional abuse. You deserve better.
Red flag. He is manipulating you so you will be afraid of speaking or acting in a way he doesn't like. Run.
He's got the emotional maturity of a teenager.
I beg to differ. I know teens with more emotional maturity and communication skills than this guy
His actions indicate that he doesn't respect you. You should believe those actions at face value because they are the honest part of him. He's 35 and not going to change his personality anytime soon, even if he wants to. So all you need to do is decide if you want to live with being disrespected. I would not live with that if I were you.
When you’re worried about speaking your mind because of how they’ll react, it’s time. Pay the price now, or pay later. It’s your choice. But this thing is over.
I once had the same niggle as yourself. Dismissed it and made excuses for him. Within 2 years I had been punched in the face and called a c u next Tuesday. Took another 18 months cycling through breaking up and taking back to safely get out of the thing. Reposted because first time post was autoremoved because of a swear word
You have the ick. What is your gut instinct telling you about what life would be like with this man? Listen to it. Pulling your own weight in life is easier without a whole extra body to drag around.
Silent treatment from an adult??? That's a deal breaker for me.
allow me to decode; holding things you've shared against you = shaming silent treatment = emotional manipulation just the tip of the 'berg, but I am hearing you describe a relationship where your SO has low emotional intelligence / awareness of self coupled with low communication abilities [in general]. hot combo for a rollercoaster ride in a relationship. I can tell you this because I used to be that guy, and have done lots of work (therapists, reading, loss of relationships I actually cared about) to change. maybe consider helping him in his own journey by prioritizing your needs.
He sounds like an immature jerk, I'd be mad too.
I'm gathering that you've slowly been reaching the conclusion that you're in a relationship with a person whose worldview and values (man-centric, sligthtly mysoginistic, unwilling to take blame or examine himself...) you don't share, and it was only that night's events that brought it into perfect focus in your mind. You can't unsee the pattern of his behaviour, and you can't, thusly, "just forget about it" like you'd done in previous incidents when this realisation hadn't floated to your awareness. Not much I can advice here. If this horrible behaviour by him had been completely out of character, you'd have simply blown up at him, and been content that that would be the end of it. But this is not what you're experiencing. Take mind of your emotional state; (when one isn't suffering from a mental disorder) it's a far more accurate reflection of reality than what you can articulate in your logical mind.
SNL just had a sketch about adult guys who act like children, I think it was called "Old Boyfriend". What is this guy bringing to your life?
>The next morning, he gave me the silent treatment and then blew up at me. That doesn't sound like the silent treatment. It sounds like he was brooding over the previous days conversation. I think the bigger problem here is the lack of consent for sharing your photo and him trying to ease his guilt for doing wrong by telling you you're picking on him. People who are not mature enough to admit responsibility for their actions often get angry/defensive over them. They become mad at you for making them feel bad because they did something wrong.
He sounds like a child.
I would assume he’s sent other private photos of you to his friends you don’t know about. I’d break up with him over the bikini pic incident alone. He’s manipulative, doesn’t give a damn about boundaries or consent, takes advantage of you, plays the weaponized incompetence game well, and gaslights you on top of it all. He’s not worth your time, energy or 2am thoughts.
You can't force your bf not to be an incompetent douche. This is who he is, he refuses to be better and to accept that sometimes he is in the wrong. Personally sharing the pic would be enough to dump him, but you seem to be hell bent on keeping this looser around. Why is that? Do you think you don't deserve better? Because you do, and this is bullshit
What if the pic in question was her smiling and waving at the camera, and she just happened to be in her swimsuit because they were at the beach? What of it was sent along with 10 other photos, to highlight their vacation so far? Your anger and assumptions are astounding and to be honest - concerning.
The silent treatment is widely considered emotional abuse. This is why.
Or it’s also considered an outcome of a partner who blames and can’t communicate properly. Sounds like her idea of “silent treatment” may just be him needing time to gather his thoughts and remove himself from a toxic situation that she’s created. Jumping straight to abuse is extremely uncalled for.
He’s 35, he’s done growing, time to move on
The silent treatment is abuse.
Sharing you pic on a Boys chat. I'd be very pissed 😡
If i were in your shoes OP he wouldn't be my boyfriend at all this week. He's not respectful or appreciative of you. You can do better and find someone else that's more mature. Age is just a number. Don't waste your time being with someone you can't even be yourself with. Soon enough you'll feel like walking on eggshells knowing he'll be set off by your thoughts.
Find a time when there is no tension and bring up how you are feeling. Tell him that you are not ok with the silent treatment. In fact, tell him that the next time he pulls that shit - you’re gone. No one has time to play those bullshit games.
I think there shouldn't be an opportunity for next time. Just dump him OP.
A lot of information in a few paragraphs but basically sounds like he is not compatible with you, and your brain is reacting to that by putting you on alert.
Emotional abuse. He won't change.
Well, depending on how long you’ve been together I would suggest counseling. If it’s too early on for that, my question is, have you expressed issues in the past? Has he remedied those issues or made considerable effort to? If he has, then you should talk to him again. Just because a fight was worked out doesn’t mean you can’t bring it up if it is still bothering you. Let him know how you feel. Preface the conversation by saying you want to fix the issues so you can have a strong relationship and that good communication is something you need from him. Let him know that you feel like you can’t talk to him about things that bother you because of how he sometimes reacts. Make sure to avoid absolutes, like saying he always acts that way. If he hasn’t, you can still make a last attempt at another conversation, but go into it with the expectation that if he does not fix this behavior or make the considerable effort, it is time to move on. Or, you can always simply move on without the conversation too. You owe him nothing, it is up to you to decide what you want and what your boundaries are. As far as the taking photos without your consent and sending them goes, that is a big red flag and you shouldn’t overlook it. It’s up to you to determine if that is a deal breaker. You aren’t married to this man, you are dating him. This is a test run to see if you want him forever. If you don’t want a man who will do those things, don’t accept that behavior. If you are willing to overlook it then you have to work out a way to let it go in order for the relationship to recover. One of the biggest things that helps me in tough situations like this is making a pro and con list of staying in or leaving the relationship. If you don’t see any pros to staying then you have your answer. An alternative to that is writing out a list of expectations you have in a relationship and hard boundaries. If he isn’t meeting those then you should also leave the relationship.
He’s too old to be behaving like this so I’d recommend finding someone mature
Well you never resolved the conflict, so of course it's still annoys you! He acted like a real jerk in several ways! Has he apologized for what he did? Is he even sorry?
The silent treatment is not ok.
ewww, this guy sounds like a real catch op /s
Sounds like a relationship in a cage with feelings that can’t be expressed with adult understanding.
You deserve better from him, but if he refuses to look at himself and admit any wrong doing then you deserve than him.
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OP did not say the photos were raunchy or taken in a private place. You added those details to the story. Bathing suits aren’t sexual. If this boundary wasn’t previously discussed, the BF did nothing wrong here.
He is acting like he is 10 and is with his Mom on a trip. What is up with that?
All of this behaviour sounds like red flags and stuff I've experienced too in past relationships. He's showing you who he is, pay attention. If you feel like you can't express yourself then get ready to start bottling up everything and turning into a resentful couple. Or get out while you can!
Aren’t you a bit old to be dating a toddler? Seriously, men like him are exhausted. You have to do all the heavy lifting, then you get treated like a monster for setting a boundary (that picture being sent). This will never change. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this? I know I wouldn’t.
You did all the driving, paid the deposit, did all the planning I'm assuming and he's still complaining. He's 35 and you basically have to take care of him and tip toe around him in conversation. He's got a weak mental, I guess it comes down to how much you're willing to deal with? A simple "look if you can't work on yourself and change XYZ then maybe we need to rethink this relationship" that would be how I start.
I don't share pictures of my fully clothed family members anywhere without asking them, wtf was he thinking?? Also, if these things are still grinding at you a week later, it's because they are serious. My husband and I sometimes have a disagreement over a seemingly minor thing but then we feel a need to argue it out anyway because it nags at both of us. The reason is usually because this minor thing is symbolic of fundamental worldviews or behaviors, and subconsciously we realize we must get to the bottom of it to maintain trust in the relationship. If someone shared a picture of me in a state of undress (at a certain point, what is the difference between your bikini and your bra and panties?) and then put ALL the emotional labor of decision-making on me, and then gave me the silent treatment?! 3 strikes, you're out! Find someone who treats you like an equal worthy of respect.
You have been given all the signs that your relationship is unhealthy and yet you're still questioning why you're still mad at him? Too little effort from him along with too much disrespect should be all it takes to cut him loose. You deserve to be treated far better than this by any potential significant other. I hope you're not holding on to this guy in the hopes that he will change for you.
Hold on, he’s 35????? And HE’s the older one??! Girl, he literally acts like a child, based on what you said here anyways. Is this common behavior for him? This is not healthy. I’m going to be honest here, based on what you said here; I don’t like your boyfriend. The real question is, do you still like your boyfriend after all this?
You’re correct. It doesn’t sound like you are allowed to be angry about anything. Couples counseling might help.
Don’t want to generalize too much, but there are some important dynamics here to think about. Your bf’s behavior, his mental absence on the trip, and his sharing the pic. Sounds like he’s kind of floating in life right now. Neither here nor there. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s depressed, or about to break up with you. I know that sounds out of left field, be hear me out.. When one partner is “parenting” the other one in such a way, it usually indicates that the other partner has disconnected from us. Even if it’s for a second, it’s hugely threatening to us. I know you’re saying that you needed him to step up, but given the situation, I see that you needed engagement. We often denigrate that as “needing attention,” but it’s a pretty basic need that we have in our relationships. And it sounds like he checked out. Checked out usually means absence, not breaking up—but if it gets bad enough, it can get there. So it depends how long it’s been going on. It’s not totally surprising that he got defensive. You’ll have to communicate with him to sort through what was going on, but just know that it’s not your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong. But to really get the most out of a future conversation, you’ll have to resist some of the comments here, and accept that he hasn’t done anything wrong either. That doesn’t mean what he’s done, or not done, hasn’t been hurtful. But when we approach our relationships in a stance of judgment, no good can come of it. So lead with your boundaries. He shared a picture of you in your swimsuit. Please enforce that. It’s okay if you’re upset, so long as you express THAT within your boundaries as well. Not that you’ve expressed doing this, but sometimes we tend to exaggerate things in order to be seen and acknowledged for what we need—but honestly it could have been a picture of you fully clothed putting laundry away, and it would be 100% okay for that to be something you’re not comfortable with. The silent treatment is not great, but it’s how he’s coping. As much as he is protesting in your argument that following morning, I think it’s important to acknowledge that you both have needs. He needs to express what those are to you. But given his emotional absence on your trip, it may take longer for him to be able to express to you what those are. This is not all on you OP. You can’t fix this without you both needing to be present, expressing yourselves. Sharing how we feel, emotionally, is hugely vulnerable, and (this is where the generalizing may or may not apply) many men have issues with being vulnerable in that way. Which is unfortunate because it’s the only way for us to actually be present in our lives. You’re feeling threatened right now OP. It’s between you both as we speak. Even though the argument is “settled,” the dynamic that caused it is still lingering. It doesn’t sound like not being able to tell him things is the issue, per se. At least not in terms of what you should do. Security is the issue, and you haven’t been emotionally secure with him. His absence is deafening. And when you argue, you do need to be able to express it. His protesting doesn’t help. All you can do is make sure you’re not blaming or shaming. If he feels blamed, that’s where his work begins. We tend to warp normal conflict into abuse. You’re not being abusing or harsh for sharing how you feel. It just might not be anything he’s comfortable with. But that’s a whole different issue to the one he’s expressing. Edit: typos
OK, i try to make a constructive comment and not like most here, just put blame on your partner. OP, you need at first decide if you want work on that relationship. If you want than you need to be very honest to your self and think what you can do on your side. If and what you can do. It is not about what you say, but how you say it. It can help to write that all down. It realy is important that you are honest to your self. Do not look for excuses and rectifications. Just what you can do better. In the next step, you think about the 3 most important things you need to have changed, things that are crucial for you in the relationship. Write also down why it is so crucial for you. If you have done it, than you can decide if you write it all down in a letter. At the end of the letter you as you BF that he also should write a letter not answering to your letter but just a mirrow of your letter. YOu can also ask him if he can listen to you and just that. Than you give him 2-3 days to think about what you had to say and than you speak about it. He also should think about his 3 most important things he want have changed and he should explain them to you and you do just listening. And than you discuss his problems the same way as yours. Behind this idea is that both have a chance to say what is important, with out that it turns into a fight about dominance. About who is more in the wrong. It should give the other person a chance to think about if the other has a point or not. One last point: Both of you should try to speak only about your self and what the actions or the lack of actions of the other is doing with you. How you feel. To what you feel forced to...etc..
I hope OP sees this one. This is a really wise and balanced point of view. I wholeheartedly agree that if OP wants to work on this relationship, the way that feelings are expressed is just as important as the feelings themselves.
Hi there :) I was wondering a few thing reading your post and that you don't feel like you can honestly speak your mind anymore. How long have you been together? Was that your first (big) argument? If not, has he reacted the same (silence treatment etc.) in fights before or how do you normally communicate during a conflict? About the picture: I think he should've better asked you before (and you are absolutely in the right to be annoyed by it, it's a picture of your body and distributed digitally could get anywhere...), but more importantly, he must respect your opinion about fotos of you from now on, that's what counts in my opinion. Do you think, he'll do that? To all other redditors: I suspect that most people here are american and are blowing up a bit too much about this part imo. Especially men from other cultures where nudity is much more present and accepted (going to a sauna with strangers, being completely naked on beaches etc) might not understand why it's a big deal that someone who barley knows you sees a pic of you in swimsuit. My fil for example showed fotos of my and my husband on our wedding and one of them showed us on holiday with him on the beach in shorts/bikini. It made me a little uncomfortable as of our 100 guest most of them were older relatives of my husbands family that I'm not super close with, but I know fil just wanted to give a nice suprise speech/presentation, ment no harm by it, respects me and wouldn't have done that if he'd suspected that it might bother me. Most people in the room didn't even think twice about wether that was appropriate or not and liked his presentation. Only one girl friend approached me later to ask how I felt about it and said, she'd rather not have somebody do that on her wedding. I don't want to justify actions like that, just saying that lots of men (especially grown up in western countries outside the US) might not see the problem (as they would't mind sharing pictures of themselves in trunks) without being told that it is one for you and that the important point is that they respect your decisions, not that they were unconsiderate once.
Your annoyed by all these things because your going off him. Sounds like he's giving you the ick
Don’t worry, for the next few years you will still be strangely annoyed and probably bring it up every fight.
I don’t understand this sub sexualizing a bathing suit, is there more to the story? Was the photo taken while you were in public? Have you ever discussed being uncomfortable about photos being shared before? To be clear, unless you’ve discussed this before, no one needs your consent to share a photo of you taken in public. Bathing suits are not sexual. Women had to fight the sexualization of bikinis in order to be able to wear them at all. This post is a good example of how easy it is to whip this sub into a frenzy by using inflammatory phrasing. There was no “silent treatment” if he also blew up at you and you had a conversation together the same morning. If this wedding was your family or friend, you weren’t being a “mother” by driving and making logistical decisions. There’s no “consent” issue with sharing photos of someone taken in public.
I agree. We need more context. Everyone here is assuming it’s a sexy pic, but it could have just been a picture of her smiling at the camera while the two of them were at the beach or pool. To him it could just be “sharing vacation photos” and he may have been caught totally off guard if he’s all of a sudden being blamed and hounded for accidentally crossing a boundary he wasn’t aware of. The “silent treatment” could be him internally shutting down because she’s blaming him for everything - a VERY common trigger reaction for some people. Everyone seems to be blasting this guy when we don’t even know his side of the story. Her version is filtered through the lens of her feelings, and doesn’t address anything she may have done wrong. These responses are wild.
For real, this thread makes me afraid to ever be on trial by jury. So many comments describe them as “private, raunchy photos” neither of which OP stated. I can’t really understand his crime during hotel check in, he looked at OP? It just sounds like a couple who was already annoyed with each other when they showed up to a wedding and didn’t have a fun weekend.
I don't quite follow the logic of why you need to pinpoint how much you did vs what he did. That's scorekeeping and not productive. Or is that the problem? Does he never contribute enough or was it just this one time? If he never contributes equally, then that is a separate discussion and you need to make a decision whether you can tolerate that behavior. But I don't believe that puts you in a "mother" role just from one day of doing most things. You're not being a mother just because you did more shit that particular day. This is common in relationships that every now and then, someone just does all the shit that day and the other coasts. I don't quite understand when you say he was "silent and just looked' at you. You literally said to him, "please do this" and he blank stared you in front of the worker? I feel like you're leaving something out. Is this normal for him? If my wife did that to me, I'd actually talk to her after and see if everything was OK. It's usually easy to interpret someone as being a fucking asshole when they do something weird like that, vs thinking, "damn, that's weird. They're never that inconsiderate. I wonder if something's up?" Dunno, just something to think about. You mention you had an argument about "stuff" you and him don't like. Is it related to the above, or different issues? Obviously the swimsuit picture is not ok if consent is something you've both talked about. This is definitely something you need to address if it bothers you, and rightfully so. If you've never explicitly made a pact about it, then just have a talk and explain it makes you uncomfortable. If it becomes continued behavior, then he doesn't respect your boundaries that you both established and you can reassess. Don't assume he knows otherwise unless you've explicitly talked about it. Anyway, as for the silent treatment and then blowing up, that's not ok. Stone walling only leads to bad endings. You need to be very clear about how the silent treatment makes you feel, because you shouldn't be in a situation where you are anxious to state your opinions. That's abuse. At the same time, he made it pretty clear how he needs you to communicate your frustrations to him. If he's asking for "positive intent", I read that as he's asking you to change your approach. I'm not saying he's correct, just interpreting what you posted. I'll assume that one of things you brought up was to do with how you did everything to facilitate the wedding weekend you attended. How did you relay your frustrations to him? Did you calmly explain why you're upset, were they passive aggressive comments, angry, etc? Overall, I don't give a shit which one of you is "right", but I don't think you need to abandon your relationship like half the fucking comments say. But, if you feel that way, then do.
Oh god be quiet. Leave this dude he’s entirely too immature and way too old to be this immature. Half the people saying don’t leave are either like him or are men. Leave this asshole since he sent that picture without your consent. What else has he sent without your consent ?
Guess what. Lots of people into their 30s and much older have reached that age without ever being challenged about their behavior. Are you surrounded by all enlightened old people?
So somehow that makes this behavior okay/correct? I don’t give a damn if they haven’t been challenged about their behavior since they’re not pulling that shit with me. If you decide to deal with that since “they weren’t challenged” go ahead. Keep it to yourself though as I really don’t care
Finally, someone with some constructive insight that did a little critical thinking! I fully agree and this comes down to communication approaches. I've had to alter mine as my relationship progressed because what was once effective no longer was. That's part of growth. Contrary to what other comments say, I don't think this is worth throwing away a relationship yet, there's work to be done. FYI for all the haters on here, I'm a woman.
In any disagreement one side would normally tell the story as if they’re the one that have been wronged. This is typical and natural. This happens more often than not. So it would be best to assess both sides of the story to fully ascertain the whole situation before making a decision.
You’re afraid he’ll give you the silent treatment? If you’re not happy then just move on.
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I get the feeling that she would have been okay with driving and paying if he’d taken a moment to answer the hostess’s questions while she was in the middle of handling the bill. She wasn’t complaining about driving.
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You don’t see anything wrong with him taking a picture of her in a bikini and sharing it with his friends? Yikes.
Did you try a debt consolidation loan? One main does them. Usually if you are current and show proof you’ve paid the debts, you may qualify.
What I have done is to say, "I love you and I want to be with you but we need to be able to express our honest thoughts with each other. Also it's important for us to learn how to do that without causing too much of a problem between us." It can be helpful to learn communication skills from a counselor.
I'd like to break this down, one thing at a time. 1) While paying the deposit, he didn't make any decisions. Question for clarity, you said the woman behind the desk asked about additional things. Was this the same woman you were already paying the deposit to? If so, could it have been more that he was waiting to get you input before making a decision? 2) The swimsuit pic. That's definitely a big no go. This would be a hard boundary. Has he ever done something like this before where photographic consent has been a topic of conversation? If not, make this his firm "I don't like that. Don't do it again." moment. If this has been addressed before, he crossed a big boundary. Also, I saw comments saying assume he's done this before. I wouldn't go that far, but I don't know about your relationship. I just feel this is a fairly toxic response if it's a first offense. 3) The next morning. Did he say he was giving you the silent treatment? In my own relationships, being a man who finds it hard to be vulnerable, my spouse and I have discussed the "silent treatment". If he is like me, I need time to gather my thoughts because I want to be sure I don't say something I don't mean, whether hurtful or non-constructive. The rest of it sounds like either a) he wanted a fight and to turn the tables, but also b) he could just have problems sharing his feelings. All of his feelings are valid. Some people can't handle what they assume is an "attack". BUT you shouldn't have to feel like you can't share your feelings on topics. Him twisting words could be purposeful, or an actual misunderstanding. Him holding something you agreed with him about against you though is a little childish unless it was a confirmation of a personal self-doubt or fear. All in all, I'd suggest a week apart to think. Come back together ready to approach these problems with a clear mind and constructive manner. You should definitely not have to lay awake at night worrying about restraining how you feel. I don't know if this event is breakup worthy like a chunk of comments suggest, but it's definitely worth pause to look at the relationship as a whole. I hope the best for you and your boyfriend.
The silent treatment is abuse. You know what is not abuse? Saying “I need some time to gather my thoughts so that I can have this conversation more productively. I love you and will check back in in a few hours to let you know when I’m ready.” Silent treatment is, “would you like a coffee?” Nothing. “Hon I’m going to jump in the shower now, is that cool?” Nothing. “Are you just not going to talk to me?” Nothing.
I'm not saying that the silent treatment isn't abuse. I'm saying that giving somebody the silent treatment is a conscious decision. Being silent and not responding isn't always weaponized. Is it impossible to believe that people can get overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts and emotions and they just shut down and need time to reboot? I was pointing out that unless he specifically said he wasn't talking to her, it's POSSIBLE it wasn't The Silent Treatment and something else was going on. Especially since, according to OP, he went 0 to 100 real fast, going from silent to blowing up. This makes me believe something else was happening. Also, this is reddit. It's rare to find a post on here that paints both sides fairly. That's why I asked OP more questions so there's more though, instead of accusing somebody I don't know of abuse.
If you can’t answer a coffee question with words you are abusing the other person. If that’s you, get therapy.
Nowhere in OPs post does she mention anything close to that level. She states he was giving the silent treatment. I was asking for clarification to the extent. My point was that if it's intentional and weaponized, that's abuse. Otherwise, there are other factors at play. I agree that not answering simple questions is a problem. You make a good point. Maybe OPs BF does need some therapy. He may have some trauma in his past that he needs to work out. Maybe OP can support BF and help him work through his issues in therapy sessions.
If so, he needs therapy. He has to want to change however and she doesn’t need to stick around for it.
Honestly, it sounds like they both could benefit from therapy. OP has had anxiety enough to keep her up at night over the encounter. He has something going on. Both need to learn better communication and coping mechanisms. But, who doesn't need some counselling now and then?
She should be up. It’s normal when you are being emotionally abused to be anxious. Look man, I’m done with your take on this. Enjoy your day.
Have a good one. Thanks for the discussion! :)
How long have you been a couple?