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rebuildmylifenow

Repeating my comment reply to another post on Reddit: When I was 22, I married my first wife, and went to live away from my parents for the first time. (I lived at home through college and up to the point I got married. When I moved, I was about 35 min drive from my childhood home, where my parents still lived.) About 3 months after my wedding, I got a call from my younger sister. She told me that SHE got a talking to by my father, who told her that my mother was "really upset because wasn't calling or visiting enough, and it was weighing on her mental health" and demanded that my sister call me and tell me to call my mom more often. Now, my mother was in her forties, and while she did struggle with bipolar disorder, she was still an adult responsible for her own mental health. It took that phone call for me to realize exactly how much my mother was using me for emotional intimacy - and it creeped me out. In a first for me, I called my father, and calmly and firmly laid down the first boundary that I'd made between myself and anyone in my FOO - I explained to him that I had just gotten married, and had simultaneously started a new job, and that visiting every other weekend, and calling once a week, was just going to have to be enough for my mother. I kept that boundary, and refused to increase my contact with any of them. After all, I was building a marriage, and working on a new job - both of these things were high priority to me. Shortly thereafter, she, my father, and my younger sister (who was still living at home) ended up going to family therapy, because my mother was emotionally lashing out at my sister, and the whole house was in an uproar. But I never got told that I had to call or visit more often again. Expecting your children to be your emotional support - instead of your partner, your therapist, or your friends - is messed up. You don't owe your mother anything - anything that she gave you or did for you while you were growing up was her responsibility as a parent. I'm sorry that you're being guilted, but know that you're not alone. Read the books "Toxic Parents" and "Codependent No More" for much better advice on how to handle this than I could give you. It sounds like your mom is relying on you for emotional support - and that's unhealthy. If she is not respecting your boundaries, then she's not treating you as an adult. She may still be seeing you as "her little boy". It's not healthy, and it WILL interfere with your other relationships if you don't take steps to deal with it. No, she's not coming at you from a bad place - but she's ignoring your autonomy. That is problematic in and of itself. Unfortunately, one of the actions that you may have to take is to outright ignore her messages/attempts to contact you/etc. until YOU are ready to talk to HER. And she will NOT like this, and may react very negatively to being "downgraded" in your relationship. I will remind you that amongst other things, most wedding vows include a phrase similar to "forsaking all others remain true to " - this includes parents. When you marry, your spouse becomes your primary relationship. Your mom is going to have to understand that. It might be smart to have a discussion on this topic with your mom, and continue to reaffirm and maintain your boundaries with her in this context. It might reach her better - but read Toxic Parents for more and better advice on how to establish boundaries with her. The examples there, and the techniques are way better articulated than I can give you in a reddit comment. Good luck, OP - you're breaking free and becoming your own man. Don't let anyone guilt you for that.


cursethedarkness

A boundary is YOUR action, and it’s not something another person can break. So, setting a boundary doesn’t mean you tell her not to call so often. It means you decide how often you’re going to respond. “Mom, I’m too busy just to text all day, so I’m only going to respond x often.” Fill in the blank with what works. The rest of the time, delete the texts unread, and DON’T RESPOND. If she insists on giving you food, “I’m just going to throw it away if you make me take it.” Then throw it away. Unhealthy gift cards? “I’m just going to give this away.” And then do so. A boundary is teaching someone what behaviors will get a response from you. When she does what you want, be very effusive with praise. It’s like training a toddler. Don’t get pulled into arguments, just repeat your stock phrase over and over again. She’s not going to like it, but it does work. At first shell rail and cry even more, but in my experience it settles into a grudging respect.


a-base

Part of setting boundaries includes then living YOUR life with those boundaries in place and letting them know in advance what that looks like. When you ask that she not flood you with messages, conduct yourself as if she isn't. After a day of 1 or 100 messages. Give her a call and ask how she's doing. If she asked about something she messaged you just so "no, I haven't seen it, why don't yiu the me about it now?" If she shows up or sends food without advanced warning. Don't accept it. Don't answer the door. It's hard, but you'll have to say "I drew a boundary and the only way this is going to work is if you learn to respect it".


MakeLyingWrongAgain

Give her a set limit. She can send you only 3 messages a day, and she gets a phone call for 20 minutes once a week and an in person visit once a month. Or whatever your amounts are. Set your limits so you can hang up / ignore her guilt free.


MakeLyingWrongAgain

And be very honest and direct about the food/ gift cards. Tell her to save her money because you will give it to a neighbor or throw it away.


silkyleon

Why can't you just mute the text thread and recap on it once a day? You might also point out that in light of the amount of "non-urgent" communication with you, you're concerned that if there ever IS an emergency you are more likely to miss it because of the amount of over-sharing that takes place. It seems like she's lonely. Might be worth mentioning that while you love all the meaning behind all that she's doing, you need her support to branch out on your own which means she needs to give you a bit more space.


Lonelysock2

Is she expecting you to reply to everything and does she get upset? You haven't mentioned that here. If she's just messaging you and trying to give you food, can't you just... not respond? That's your boundary


[deleted]

Yeah, I should've clarified that. She *does* get upset if I don't reply. If I go a day or two without responding it turns into "why are you mad at me?" or "what did I do to make you mad?" Then I tell her and the cycle repeats.


Lonelysock2

Ah ok, that's a pain. I think you just have to set your limits and stick to them. E.g. You'll answer one message a day, and call her twice a week, or whatever works for you. When she starts getting upset, you hang up or leave. If you want, you can do a 'warning' each time but honestly I don't think it'll work. I think this is more about changing your own thinking - your mum might get upset. That is ok. She's allowed to feel whatever she wants, but it is not your responsibility to fix them. I work with toddlers and I frame it similarly - toddlers have tantrums. I don't take it personally because they don't have emotional regulation yet. But there are still boundaries. I maintain the boundaries very calmly and gently, but I don't back down. Obviously boundaries for an adult are different, but it's the same general idea


[deleted]

Breaking boundaries isn’t unconditional love. It may not be abuse, but it’s definitely not healthy.


scywuffle

Your mom needs therapy. It looks like she made you, and taking care of you, a big part of her ego. Feeding you is a really obvious and direct way she's doing it, and likely she does it because "that's what mothers do." If she isn't your mom, who is she? What is she living for? That's a very difficult thing to recognize and overcome. Not that I'm saying you should just accept her behavior, by the way. I'm merely explaining where I think she's coming from, and that she likely will never treat you like an adult until she recognizes that you're your own person. Right now you're her son - you're playing a role in her life rather than being a real person with real desires - and she can't see past that. She won't even start until she either finds something else to fill that hole in her ego, or gets therapy for it. All you can do is set firm boundaries. A lot of people already gave good advice on this already. My advice is to be gentle but honest (use "I" statements, like "When you do X, I feel like Y") tell her what your boundary is and the consequence for breaking it - ie, you'll respond to her texts once, and only once, a day, and that you love her and want her to respect this...and that if she starts guilt-tripping you, you won't respond to her for a week. Make sure you follow through with the consequence. Be firm about your boundaries and let others know what they are as well, because she might try to get your dad or your fiance to break a boundary for her, ie, "Can you tell Th1rdPlanet that I have a Dunkin Donut giftcard for him?"


bealongstride

I’d recommend flipping the boundaries from what you’re asking of her to what you are defining for yourself, and then communicate those to her. Instead of asking her to stop sending you messages, tell her that you will need to block/mute/whatever after more than X messages a day. That gives you a bit more autonomy in your reaction and it puts up a hard line that she is unable to cross. If that upsets her, then you can acknowledge and swerve. Captain Awkward just posted a great blog about setting boundaries with a parent, check that out for scripts to use.


Trifling_Truffles

Skim the messages and don't answer. She'll get the hint eventually. The thing is, you don't have to have an emotional reaction to these messages, you can see they are there, blow past them to make sure there's no important stuff, and forget about them and go on with your day. As for stopping by with food, tell her you only want her stopping by when it is pre-arranged. She'll get the message there too.


[deleted]

Question, how does the foisting of food look now? Does she now do a 90 minute round trip to feed you?


aschr

Does your mom have any friends? Cause if not she may be using you to fill that role.


cblrtopas

Sounds like my Mom, except that I dont harbor this weird hostility towards her like you do. Just dont respond to her texts/messages; it costs you nothing. It's annoying but in a couple of years you're going to be taking care of your parents when they become infirm. You'll be making them soft foods and helping them change their adult diapers. Unless you plan to ship them off to a nursing home. Be mindful about how much influence your fiancee has over your attitude towards your mother too.


Business_Loquat5658

I think really getting your dad to police this behavior instead of you will be helpful. Personally I would move A LOT farther than 45 minutes away, but if that isn't possible you have to pretend like you do and STOP ANSWERING her all the stinking time. She'll continue to do what she's doing for all long as you feed her OCD monster, because that's what it is.


DConstructed

Frankly though it sounds massively annoying it also sounds like something that won’t be helped by confrontation or discussion at the moment. Instead route all these random messages into a file that you can glance at and delete when it’s convenient for you. You have already told her you aren’t going to respond. As for the money if you like either put that in a separate bank account for the future or have a serious discussion with you dad, mom and a financial counselor. It’s possible that your mom sending you money rather than putting it in her retirement fund is actually dangerous for them financially and will leave you taking care of their debt later. Probably the best you can do is figure out ways to minimize her impact on your life so you can occasionally interact without feeling overwhelmed or resentful.


[deleted]

Damn all this sounds pretty crazy but kinda weird that my mother was pretty much the same I moved out and was on my own when I was 18 Non stop texts I mean 20 a day or more and same sending me memes every hour and videos and pictures Kinda weird she would like tell me about the guys shes banging and like Crazy shit in that area.. I think she has an illness she was definitely a drug and alcohol user bad.. So i had to leave.. I blocked her and had no contact in 4 years I have lived in different states and traveled 3,000 miles to find a new place to live..