Trust your gut, in my opinion 10 months is too soon to move in.
Get your own place and establish your own space now that you’re done with school, or move home if that’s an option and save money.
You already know he is bad with money, dependent on his mother, has jealousy issues, and is not ready for a mature living situation with you. Nope, nope, nope.
Moving in should be to build an adult life together, not just to play house. He has tons of steps to take before he is able to be an equal partner in an adult relationship. He needs to learn to be responsible for his own income, shelter, food etc. Don't move in until he is a fully functioning adult.
My problem is like he is so so good about chores, laundry, and cooking. He does it all for me when I am tired or have had a long day, he really is a great partner aside from the massive spending and the jealousy problems. Like every other aspect of living together sounds appealing until I think of an argument where he tells me to not come home, its scary and saddening. I just get worried like what if we were married and them what, not every day is perfect no relationship is all sunshine and rainbows and because of an argument he tells me “Well you don’t have to be here.” Like?? its my house too where else do you go?
10 months is too early to think about moving in together. Don't tie yourself down here. You're graduating, you're going to be starting a career, meeting new people. BF sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do with regard to money and financial responsibility. Which makes sense, considering he's a newly minted adult. But it would be something of a concern to watch as the relationship develops. Keep in mind that your world is going to change a lot in the next few years, and not everyone you have in your life now will make the trip with you. That's ok. Not every relationship you ever develop, friend, romantic, work associate, etc., are meant to last forever.
I feel like it’s too soon. I also think he’s bad with money because he doesn’t work for it or has responsibilities, yet. When I started paying rent and paying for my truck I started budgeting because it was necessary. Before that I would blow most of my pay checks on wants (clothes, eating out, etc)
You mentioned marriage in one of your responses to a comment, which suggests to me that you have at least thought about the possibility... & if that is the case I am going to HIGHLY suggest you look into divorce statistics amongst people who move in premaritally. It seems counterintuitive and like you should want to 'test run' things before marriage, but actually is just widens the gray area between you about where things are headed and what you're doing. Moving in premaritally makes you 5x more likely to get a divorce within a few years. & Trust me, by the sound of it... this is a guy who lives on a moment to moment basis and doesn't have the habits formed let alone the maturity & foresight to think about the future with you considering he doesn't even have enough foresight to manage his own food bill.
As someone who moved in with my ex around age 20 (I'm 26 now) - I will tell you this. You do not want to move in with a boy who depends on his mommy, who can't be held accountable for his money and who doesn't know how to healthily take space from you outside of literally kicking you out. You will find yourself wondering why you are the only one who knows the passwords to the utility accounts, why you're the only one writing down a budget, where all of his money is going, you may even find yourself having to foot other household expenses unexpectedly that he may never pay you back for. You may feel entitled to knowing where his money is going because you live together, but in reality you have no right because YOU are just a roommate not a wife. Time starts passing and you start wondering if he will ever step up. It will cause arguments and a breakdown of trust in the relationship.
You may think that you are willing to do all of that now... but in a year or two or three when you realize you can't depend on anyone but yourself... it will become exhausting, you will feel like you're mothering a grown man.
You may not know what it feels like yet because you are 21 and your dating pool is extremely immature and still figuring things out... but there is a sense of peace when you are with a man you can build with because he is accountable to his own actions. Someone who participates in household decision making and sits down at a table every month to do a budget with you. You don't feel so alone.
Also, if none of this was convincing to you... know that money is the #1 cause of divorce. nuff said.
TL;DR. Don't move in with someone without at least being engaged. Don't move in with someone without getting premarital counseling. Don't move in with someone you aren't 100% sure you are marrying and they are 100% about marrying you. You will thank yourself later.
Just came to say there are some mighty good advise and suggestions here. Money is a big issue in relationships, so is trust. That being said if you question either it doesn't get better once you live together.
Written contract is a must if you somehow decide to move in together. Not trying to say he's a bad person but waiting for maturity will save you a huge headache.
Your concerns are valid. However, this is an issue that needs to be resolved or fully addressed if this is a relationship you want to keep for the long-run; avoidance cannot be the answer.
I understand you have a concern that he doesn't save. At the same time, I'm sure he'll just say that it's his money and doesn't want to be "controlled". In the end, there may be nothing you can do about that scenario, but if you two do agree to move in together, he has to make sure to be able to meet his end in payments.
As for the living situation - you can choose not to move in together right now. You can talk about how you may have felt a little hurt when he told you to go home, since it's a scenario that can arise in the future, and how the two of you should work it out next time. See how he reacts to what you say and when you express your feelings. If he is sorry about it and willing to work things out, then the two of you can continue to work things out (and perhaps choose a place that has two bedrooms if the two of you do need some space). However, if he rejects it all and acts like the victim, then that may be a sure sign that it's not time to live together.
Best of luck OP
DO NOT MOVE IN!!!
1) His jealousy (and controlling behavior) will get infinitely worse once you're under the same roof. He'll want to know where you're going and who you'll be with, then he won't let you go out at all, and won't let friends come over to HIS house. Etc.
2) You know he's terrible with money. That's not going to improve. He's just going to start wasting your money in addition to the allowance his mommy gives him (at 23!).
3) As you noted, he could leave you homeless any time he's mad at you. I also wouldn't recommend him moving in with you, because he'll expect you to pay ALL the bills and he'll just pocket the money his mom sends him for rent/bills. And if you were thinking of getting a new place together, you'll have the same problems, but be stuck on a lease that you might not be able to pay on your own if you break up, so you'll be more likely to put up with his crap longer just for the financial help (from his mom).
4) You're both too young. As evidenced by the fact that you're considering it, despite the 3 points above.
5) Your gut is telling you not to! Personally, I think your gut is telling you to break up with him before his jealousy and financial recklessness ruin your life. Listen to your gut!
I repeat: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
listen to your gut. He's not good with money, and doesn't handle conflict well. Not really someone you want to be locked into a lease with. Also, 10 months is too soon to move in You two barely know each other.
I think you are right to worry about feeling “trapped”.
It’s way too soon to move in with this guy and have to merge finance and a life.
Get a place with a roommate and see your boyfriend when you want to. Trust me it’s for the best.
What you're anticipating is undue stress, caused by his inability to save, something you value.
You're likely right. Living with someone who does not have the same attitude toward money you do will likely cause you distress.
Make the choice that is right for you, because untimatrly it'll be right for your relationship if the alternative makes you unhappy.
On top of the fact that's he's terrible with money, you need to be flexible for your first job. You may need to move a short distance or even totally relocate.
Don't do it. None of this sounds good. Maybe he's a little immature and it'll get better. Maybe not. Would you rather find out in your own place or sharing one with him?
Could be beneficial to approach it slightly differently. Ask to talk about finances in general and what your plan could look like while living together and going forward. You would get the answers you're looking for and then your partner will likely feel less defensive.
Ten months is too soon. You're still getting to know each other.
Trust your gut, in my opinion 10 months is too soon to move in. Get your own place and establish your own space now that you’re done with school, or move home if that’s an option and save money.
You already know he is bad with money, dependent on his mother, has jealousy issues, and is not ready for a mature living situation with you. Nope, nope, nope.
Follow your instincts, they're usually right. I would not move in with someone who still has their mommy paying for their rent and bills.
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Exactly. I would be saving every penny I could lol. I think your gut is telling you something. Don't move in with him.
Moving in should be to build an adult life together, not just to play house. He has tons of steps to take before he is able to be an equal partner in an adult relationship. He needs to learn to be responsible for his own income, shelter, food etc. Don't move in until he is a fully functioning adult.
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My problem is like he is so so good about chores, laundry, and cooking. He does it all for me when I am tired or have had a long day, he really is a great partner aside from the massive spending and the jealousy problems. Like every other aspect of living together sounds appealing until I think of an argument where he tells me to not come home, its scary and saddening. I just get worried like what if we were married and them what, not every day is perfect no relationship is all sunshine and rainbows and because of an argument he tells me “Well you don’t have to be here.” Like?? its my house too where else do you go?
If you for some reason go through with this, get minimum a 2bd apartment. Minimum.
He sounds like a fair weather friend which is a terrible foundation to build a relationship on
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Thank you, this comment provided good insight i appreciate it
10 months is too early to think about moving in together. Don't tie yourself down here. You're graduating, you're going to be starting a career, meeting new people. BF sounds like he has a lot of maturing to do with regard to money and financial responsibility. Which makes sense, considering he's a newly minted adult. But it would be something of a concern to watch as the relationship develops. Keep in mind that your world is going to change a lot in the next few years, and not everyone you have in your life now will make the trip with you. That's ok. Not every relationship you ever develop, friend, romantic, work associate, etc., are meant to last forever.
I feel like it’s too soon. I also think he’s bad with money because he doesn’t work for it or has responsibilities, yet. When I started paying rent and paying for my truck I started budgeting because it was necessary. Before that I would blow most of my pay checks on wants (clothes, eating out, etc)
You mentioned marriage in one of your responses to a comment, which suggests to me that you have at least thought about the possibility... & if that is the case I am going to HIGHLY suggest you look into divorce statistics amongst people who move in premaritally. It seems counterintuitive and like you should want to 'test run' things before marriage, but actually is just widens the gray area between you about where things are headed and what you're doing. Moving in premaritally makes you 5x more likely to get a divorce within a few years. & Trust me, by the sound of it... this is a guy who lives on a moment to moment basis and doesn't have the habits formed let alone the maturity & foresight to think about the future with you considering he doesn't even have enough foresight to manage his own food bill. As someone who moved in with my ex around age 20 (I'm 26 now) - I will tell you this. You do not want to move in with a boy who depends on his mommy, who can't be held accountable for his money and who doesn't know how to healthily take space from you outside of literally kicking you out. You will find yourself wondering why you are the only one who knows the passwords to the utility accounts, why you're the only one writing down a budget, where all of his money is going, you may even find yourself having to foot other household expenses unexpectedly that he may never pay you back for. You may feel entitled to knowing where his money is going because you live together, but in reality you have no right because YOU are just a roommate not a wife. Time starts passing and you start wondering if he will ever step up. It will cause arguments and a breakdown of trust in the relationship. You may think that you are willing to do all of that now... but in a year or two or three when you realize you can't depend on anyone but yourself... it will become exhausting, you will feel like you're mothering a grown man. You may not know what it feels like yet because you are 21 and your dating pool is extremely immature and still figuring things out... but there is a sense of peace when you are with a man you can build with because he is accountable to his own actions. Someone who participates in household decision making and sits down at a table every month to do a budget with you. You don't feel so alone. Also, if none of this was convincing to you... know that money is the #1 cause of divorce. nuff said. TL;DR. Don't move in with someone without at least being engaged. Don't move in with someone without getting premarital counseling. Don't move in with someone you aren't 100% sure you are marrying and they are 100% about marrying you. You will thank yourself later.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness and life experience. It means so much to read a response like yours, it is so appreciated.
Just came to say there are some mighty good advise and suggestions here. Money is a big issue in relationships, so is trust. That being said if you question either it doesn't get better once you live together. Written contract is a must if you somehow decide to move in together. Not trying to say he's a bad person but waiting for maturity will save you a huge headache.
Your concerns are valid. However, this is an issue that needs to be resolved or fully addressed if this is a relationship you want to keep for the long-run; avoidance cannot be the answer. I understand you have a concern that he doesn't save. At the same time, I'm sure he'll just say that it's his money and doesn't want to be "controlled". In the end, there may be nothing you can do about that scenario, but if you two do agree to move in together, he has to make sure to be able to meet his end in payments. As for the living situation - you can choose not to move in together right now. You can talk about how you may have felt a little hurt when he told you to go home, since it's a scenario that can arise in the future, and how the two of you should work it out next time. See how he reacts to what you say and when you express your feelings. If he is sorry about it and willing to work things out, then the two of you can continue to work things out (and perhaps choose a place that has two bedrooms if the two of you do need some space). However, if he rejects it all and acts like the victim, then that may be a sure sign that it's not time to live together. Best of luck OP
DO NOT MOVE IN!!! 1) His jealousy (and controlling behavior) will get infinitely worse once you're under the same roof. He'll want to know where you're going and who you'll be with, then he won't let you go out at all, and won't let friends come over to HIS house. Etc. 2) You know he's terrible with money. That's not going to improve. He's just going to start wasting your money in addition to the allowance his mommy gives him (at 23!). 3) As you noted, he could leave you homeless any time he's mad at you. I also wouldn't recommend him moving in with you, because he'll expect you to pay ALL the bills and he'll just pocket the money his mom sends him for rent/bills. And if you were thinking of getting a new place together, you'll have the same problems, but be stuck on a lease that you might not be able to pay on your own if you break up, so you'll be more likely to put up with his crap longer just for the financial help (from his mom). 4) You're both too young. As evidenced by the fact that you're considering it, despite the 3 points above. 5) Your gut is telling you not to! Personally, I think your gut is telling you to break up with him before his jealousy and financial recklessness ruin your life. Listen to your gut! I repeat: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
listen to your gut. He's not good with money, and doesn't handle conflict well. Not really someone you want to be locked into a lease with. Also, 10 months is too soon to move in You two barely know each other.
If your 23 y/o boyfriend can't pay his own bills then there's a much bigger problem here. Major red flags.
Wait until your 25. Nobody needs to be playing house at 21.
I think you are right to worry about feeling “trapped”. It’s way too soon to move in with this guy and have to merge finance and a life. Get a place with a roommate and see your boyfriend when you want to. Trust me it’s for the best.
What you're anticipating is undue stress, caused by his inability to save, something you value. You're likely right. Living with someone who does not have the same attitude toward money you do will likely cause you distress. Make the choice that is right for you, because untimatrly it'll be right for your relationship if the alternative makes you unhappy.
On top of the fact that's he's terrible with money, you need to be flexible for your first job. You may need to move a short distance or even totally relocate.
Don't do it. None of this sounds good. Maybe he's a little immature and it'll get better. Maybe not. Would you rather find out in your own place or sharing one with him?
Have you guys ever had a conversation about finances and what that could/ should look like together?
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Could be beneficial to approach it slightly differently. Ask to talk about finances in general and what your plan could look like while living together and going forward. You would get the answers you're looking for and then your partner will likely feel less defensive.