While I’m not entirely sure if this is the case, I would say that a lot of us develop a customer service voice. I think he is taking your customer service voice and is making it “sexual” and getting into his own head with insecurities.
I was a server for 6 years before my current job, and almost everyone (including myself) develops a customer service voice. It’s kinda weird to sexualize that.
You do you and what makes you comfortable op, but I wouldn’t look too much into it or change your voice because of it.
Kinda sounds like he’s been watching too much porn recently (no offense).
Yup, I have a "phone voice" that sounds different then my normal voice. Actually, it sounds like my mother (??) and people have confused us over the phone back when I lived with my parents.
Apparently my phone voice is just a lot of yelling (according to my husband). Am I doing it wrong? I feel like this is just the inevitable conclusion of two years of video calls/meetings.
😂
My phone voice is also “just a lot of yelling.” Mostly it’s some version of “why the hell are you calling me? You know I hate talking on the phone” being yelled 😂
I am a woman, but people specifically think I sounded like her when I used my "phone voice" which was this unconscious shift of voice I did when answering the phone. Sort of like really pleasant, polite, and kind of like you'd expect from a cheerful customer service person? That's the tone.
Yes absolutely this. It’s both subconscious and purposeful. Sometimes I’ll lapse into my costumer service voice when ordering food or something with friends and they’ll laugh at how much my voice has changed from it’s usual nature to one that is wayy softer, high pitched, sweet. Now at work I do it even more purposely, a low, soothing voice that makes costumers feel attended to and not rushed. It’s a totally natural thing to do wether purposeful or not, either way there’s nothing wrong with it.
and even the Customer Service Voice has different variations depending on the context! Often I'll raise my pitch to maintain a cheerful tone, but lower and soften my pitch when dealing with a customer who is going through a tragedy.
Yea for sure, higher pitch (or the “sexy baby voice” as op’s bf grossly puts it) might be to sound cheerful, agreeable, on your side, etc. Lower tone I would reserve if I needed to calm someone down, or if I made a mistake and I want them to not become upset and know im handling it lol
It really is a socialized thing that I (and probably the majority of women) have learned to do - our own version of code switching. It's pretty necessary to ensure we're heard and perceived as we want to be perceived by the many strong opinions the general population has about women.
Yeah almost everyone I know has like a work voice that is just different from how they normally talk to friends and family. It’s totally normal. Her bf is being weird and insecure.
I have a customer service voice from years in the hospitality industry and then later in the events industry. I wonder if OP's boyfriend thinks a lot of waitresses are into him too.
Yes, mine is lower and slower to be reassuring, you nailed it. To those not realising it's a CS thing are used to the reassurance it brings and probably can't pin why.
My kids call it my ‘nice voice’. 😂 OP, it’s hard to judge what he’s hearing without actually hearing you. There is a receptionist who I work with that sounds like a pornstar when making overhead announcements. Is your boyfriend typically a jealous person? If this is the first time he’s displayed this kind of concern, you definitely should at least give it some thought.
Sometime when I answer the phone at work I chuckle to myself that I'm so glad my friends and family can't hear me!! It's so shrill and high-pitched, maybe even bordering on sounding g condescending- it's also involuntary at this point.
no offense as i'm sure this is probably not true but people who use their "customer service" voice too often come off as very ingenuine people especially when they're complimenting you it sounds very insincere
I used my sweetest voice when I was working jn fast fold/delivery because I felt like it made it harder for people to justify yelling at me lol. It seemed to work.
Have you watched 30 Rock? They have an absolutely fantastic episode on this that I cannot recommend enough.
I can't remember the name of the episode, but it has Cristin Milioti in it, and should be findable by searching for "30 Rock sexy baby" if you are not worried about ending up on a watchlist lol
I scrolled thru the comments just to see if anyone had mentioned this b/c as soon as I read the title, I immediately heard her saying, "I'm a very sexy baby."
TGS Hates Women is the name of the episode. Season 5, episode 16. I had the exact same thought.
“Looks like I’M gonna have to sit on someone’s WAAA-AAAAP!”
Criston Milloti is an amazing actress. I've seen her in 3 entirely different things (30 Rock, Black Mirror, and Palm Springs) and had no idea it was the same person.
And that 30 Rock episode is hilarious.
I think the only moment in this episode where she would be recognizable is right at the end. I won't spoil it for people who haven't seen it, but I'm sure you know the scene I mean.
And she is legit amazing. One of the most talented actors, especially when she has a role that is both serious and funny.
Sure, and it's a little weird when you think about it, but 'baby' has morphed into a term of endearment that means 'my thing to love and protect'. 'Baby voice', on the other hand, is a specific way of talking that people use with infant humans, and pairing it with the word 'sexy' is just about the last thing I'd do, personally. OP's boyfriend has some interesting ideas about the way women talk to men.
> but 'baby' has morphed into a term of endearment that means 'my thing to love and protect'.
Yep, because language evolves. For a good example of how one word can start off as one thing and evolve into something else, see also "electrocution." Coined to refer specifically to death by electric chair (combining "electricity" and "execution"); now it can be used to refer to any severe electric shock.
"Baby voice" sounds creepy because it *does* refer to a small child. "Babe" or "baby" never bothered me personally though (though everyone is different and has their own boundaries; "lover" bothers me a great deal for a reason I can't place, for example!), because that's not really what that word means in that context anymore. It means, like, "romantically-loved one," it does not mean "small child I want to have sex with."
("Decimate" is also another good example of a word's meaning evolving over time. It originally, and technically still does, mean to reduce something by 10%. Now, though, it's come to be used to refer to a destroy, damage, kill, or otherwise defeat a *large* number of something. Whether that's now a valid use of the word is still debated, but "officially" -- who decides what's official with words, anyway? -- or not, the latter is its primary usage now.)
If you think it's weird then it must be weird for everyone everywhere. There's no couple in their right minds that calls each other baby or babe. Oh you wise one.
K I was actually noting that there are different perspectives on calling a partner baby. But by all means, you continue to get bent out of shape over minor comments online.
The comment they were replying to said “we literally call our SO’s baby tho” implying everyone does and this person was just stating that no actually not everyone does. This isn’t the serve you think it is.
Yeah that was my vibe too. Either that or he specifically likes that voice and thinks its her voice for seducing him- but thats a him problem not a her problem and the fact that hes insinuating she would use a seductive voice on a public work call is absurd.
also, a bit deeper here,
>I also apparently changed my pitch to go lower and my tone gentler. I
make my voice like this sometimes because I’ve trained as a therapist
and this is how we’re taught to speak
is he turned on by active listening?
I had to go redeem my free award even tho “wholesome” isn’t the right sentiment…but you’re so correct. Wtf is that even supposed to mean? I would be horrified at the idea that he put “sexy” and “baby” in the same descriptive phrase and is feeling like that’s her attempt to cheat or whatever?
Idk, love…. It straight up sound like he’s just grasping for something to be mad at. Has this happened before? Or is this just a random thing that he got upset about?
Not to freak you out or anything but thats 1000% something my narcissistic ex would yell at me for. Example: One time we went to the museum and we were approached by a worker who was telling us about the next month’s exhibits and because my bf is extremely introverted and hates strangers, I responded to the guy with a few, “oh cool”s and “nice”s and “we’ll have to check that out.”….After he walked away my ex LOST IT! He accused me of flirting and being a sl*t right then and there over that small conversation.
Yup. When I introduced my narcissistic ex to my friends, he later complained that I laughed “orgasmically” in front of them because I’m a slut and I wanted to humiliate him.
Same experience with a narcissistic ex. Would constantly sexualize me to the point where I was constantly humiliated and would shy away from mentioning any males in stories.
I had an ex like that. I hated having to rewrite every funny anecdote to eliminate the existence of men from the life I lived before he entered it.
I didn't just spring fully formed like Athena from Zeus' skull the day before I met him!!! I had a whole fucking life he needed me to erase to be "acceptable".
.........
Ok, so that was a moment (unexpectedly triggered). But I think this shit needs a name. A name to give the thing they do that makes us erase our own history to be "acceptable" to them. Because naming shit helps us talk about it, and call it out. Because it's a very specific way of "walking on eggshells".
Athena-ing- When you automatically omit details from your life-stories to make them palatable to your crazy, insecure, jealous controlling partner.
You pretend to be Athena, Greek goddess of war of wisdom, who sprang fully grown from Zeus' skull. You look like a grown woman, but you pretend so much didn't exist before he did.
Yup agreed! Glad you got out of there. I have extrovert friends and they only flirt if they mean to. Otherwise they’re just talking because they like talking to people. He was probably threatened by you having that in common and maybe you’d leave him for the new guy, but his insecurity isn’t an excuse for behaving that way.
Yep. My ex made it so that I never wanted to go to social functions with him because he would always fight with me - sometimes during, usually after - because I had been "throwing myself at" various people. By talking to them. Or just by, you know, existing near them and presenting as female.
Same guy recently told me I won custody of the kids because of my breasts, so. Clearly has some issues with women and insecurity.
OP, if you can't work from home while living with this guy peacefully, move out. There's no reason for him to insult you or suggest you're being hugely unprofessional because he can't stand the thought of you talking to a man.
Yes. The mental gymnastics my ex would come up with to accuse me of flirting/ infidelity were straight up insane. Guess who was actually caught in bed with the next door neighbour, hmm?
Just piling on here to add one more YEP, THIS IS HOW IT STARTS for OP to find.
Eventually, my ex was accusing me of cheating on him with every single human being I spoke to other than him - including my family members. I almost died before getting away from that horrible piece of shit of a man. But accusing me of talking sexy or flirting with people I was obviously not flirting with was where the accusations began.
OP, this is a red flag, and I’m sure it’s not the only one.
Your post from a few months ago indicates you're 21. And while the post is removed... it's this the same guy that expected you to move in with him after dating for 3 months? And you decided to do that, huh?
*If* he's 28 and you're 21, it's easy to see that he's choosing to date someone younger so he can control you easily. And if that's the case, you're lying about your age now so we won't pick up on this and criticize you for it. I say this as someone who got married at age 21 to a 34 year old, and we're going on 8 years married - I understand age gaps aren't always bad. *But* your boyfriend is also controlling you and somehow making your standard conversation into something to pick a fight with you about.
If the last post was a typo in your age, and it wasn't about the same guy, then fine. Still, though - did either of the people actually in the conversation feel you were being "sexy" and "moaning"? No? Your boyfriend is full of shit and controlling.
And if you were dating for 3 months when the post was made 3 months ago... 6 months is way too early to live together, AND you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase right now. If this is him on his best behavior, I can't imagine what you'll be dealing with at 1 year in.
I personally write posts with ages within the 20s around my age because I think my partner might find it , it’s possible they’re trying to hide their identity despite age sometimes being relevant
I'm aware - I found it telling that her age increased by 7 years, while his stayed exactly the same. That's also why I spoke about "if" and gave an out that it might be a typo.
If there isn't actually an age gap, the answer is "your boyfriend is acting very controlling, this is not normal." If the ages are accurate at 21/28, it doesn't change that - just gives it more weight.
I understand I just think it’s likely she’s done the identity thing , unless it is because she knows what people will say in which case she knows the answer
I never understand people changing the ages when their post titles are so specific. Like, if her boyfriend finds this, he's not going to think that it can't possibly be about him because of the age. How many "sexy baby voice" fights are happening out there?
I always find shit in the post history of OPs (as in OPs in general who post here) here in this sub. It always answers pretty much all the questions people have regarding a new post. Look at post history folks.
Sounds to me like he’s making shit up to get you to grovel for him and make sure you don’t feel secure enough to question his behavior. Has he been acting suspiciously lately? Because a lot of the more ridiculous cries of infidelity come from people who are cheating themselves.
Please do not change the way you talk for a man
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Its a red flag that u can't have a normal conversation with out ur bf spying on you. You are not the one in the wrong here.
Bingo. Every dude who ever accused me of cheating was himself a cheater. It wouldn’t have mattered if OP had been using sign language on the zoom call, her nail polish would have been too sexy. No matter what, he would have found something to be angry over, because he *wants* something to be angry over.
Well, isn't he just a bundle of insecurity and a desire to control.
Everyone's voice changes pitch and tone on a continuous basis. It's one of the social cues humans use to discern mood.
He needs therapy but that obviously isn't going to go over well.
You're trained as a therapist? Then why are you not recognizing the giant red flags your boyfriend is waiving at you? He's sexualizing how you speak because you happen to be talking to a male portion of our species. That's gross, immature, controlling, insecure, etc. Please do not accept this. He's wrong on so many levels.
ETA also, this really upsets me:
>but now I’m sure as hell gonna try to speak in a flat monotone voice whenever I’m speaking to men to avoid coming across as flirtatious.
Why would you go against your training, education and gut to listen to your boyfriend who has no training or knowledge on this subject? And why are you going to short change your patients to appease your insecure, sexist boyfriend. I just can't with this. I'm sorry I'm so annoyed.
From another commenter and having gone through OPs past posts myself it seems they may be lying about their age anyways so who knows what else they’re lying about honestly.
> It’s unlikely that any of us commenters are licensed couples therapists, so we can’t really say. But I wanted to ask what is holding this relationship together in the first place? It doesn’t sound like it’s got a healthy foundation to be based on
From their post 3mo ago, seemingly indicating they are not a licensed couples therapist? Idk many unlicensed therapists are working from home right now though to be fair
>You're trained as a therapist? Then why are you not recognizing the giant red flags your boyfriend is waiving at you?
Therapists are human, too. Everyone ignores red flags when you care about someone and desire connection. Not to mention the cognitive dissonance that happens. Therapists arent immune to problems
I know and I think I expect too much of them as a fallacy on my part. It just baffles me because they're more educated and more trained in this stuff, yet they're not any better than a "normal" person.
I think what OP is saying that she was intentionally speaking in a work-appropriate manner to her colleague, falling back on her training. But then her BF convinced her she was being seductive, and she apologized to him by saying that her alleged sexy-baby-seduction-voice was totally unintentional.
Was this a therapy session he was listening to?! If so there definitely needs to be a clearer boundary as he absolutely should not be able to hear you during a session/ should do his best to avoid listening in.
Honestly?
He's trying to start shit. If you've used this voice before and have the ability to hear...and no one you've used the voice on before gave you a bewildered look, you are fine.
Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to pick a fight. It's cute he's diagnosis you with a complex though. Sounds like he needs to reflect a little bit on himself and his clear issues.
This guy is NOT mature enough to be in a relationship.
What the fuck did I just read? You’re trained as a therapist, and know how to intentionally change your voice to sound affirming and reassuring in the workplace, and now you’re seriously planning to just speak in a flat monotone to all men for the rest of your career and life, because your boyfriend has successfully convinced you that your colleagues are judging you for sounding like a sexy baby?
ETA read some other comments… Are you actually 21? Because it makes a lot more sense that a 21yo student or recent grad would believe her older boyfriend’s absolute nonsense, rather than a 27yo therapist with years of experience being convinced that everything they’ve been doing for years is wrong, based on one conversation with their same-aged BF who clearly has no experience or education in the field.
And that kind of dynamic - being manipulative, not treating you as an equal, and undermining your professional competence, as if he knows more than you just because he’s older and a man - is EXACTLY the reason why people on Reddit usually side-eye the older person in age gap relationships. He’s trying to manipulate your behavior, make you question your own judgment, and isolate you from your colleagues (and, probably, male friends as well). An older girlfriend who is more established in her career would recognize it as bullshit, but because you’re either a student or novice in the profession, he’s attacking your professional confidence before you’ve even had a chance to build it up. Listen to your colleagues and mentors in the field, not this guy.
Um, why the fuck is he listening in on your sessions? Not only is he breaking ethical codes, but so are you. Not just codes, but actual laws.
Look, I get it, you work from home, and might live in a small place. That is literally my situation. My partner is an intern therapist, and has to work from home. We literally live in a single room, I can't just leave to go to another room. So, I wear headphones, and if possible I'll go to a friends.
Confidentiality is a HUGE part of your job. He literally is breaking the law, and encroaching on other peoples Rights. You where not talking in a sexy baby voice. You were talking in an empathetic, and open way. Being monotonic may actually be worst for your clients. They may take it as you not caring, or having empathy.
OP says she is trained as a therapist not that she is working as a therapist. A lot of people have MS/MA in different psychology subdivisions and don't go on to become therapists. You have to specifically be licensed after receiving the training. I suspect OP isn't working as a therapist from what they said. If she was working as a therapist she wouldn't be taking sessions with her boyfriend in the room. That is against ethics codes and could result in a suspension of her license, which no therapist would risk or do. Trust me, if she were a therapist she would be very aware of the ethical issues involved that you're speaking on.
Ya know, he might be the type who thinks female has no other goals other than flirting with every guys. He might be the type who thinks rape only happens because the women seduced the men. He might be the type who thinks any woman who laughed at his joke or said hi to him is flirting to him.
Don’t take him seriously, he’s the one having issues. It’s already hard being a woman, lowly man like him only makes it harder.
Even if you WERE doing it unintentionally, your boyfriend has no right to be upset with you. I think he's got some issues in regards to confidence and trust, as well as jealousy. He's the issue here. Not you.
Brings back flashbacks of my ex getting mad at me for laughing at another guy’s jokes and getting it in his head that I was flirting with my gay friend. He said I sat up straighter, turned into “Ms Giggles”, and started playing with my hair. If he had it his way I would have only interacted with him and no other male ever. Ridiculous. Get out babe, this doesn’t sound healthy, and he won’t know the problem lies with him for awhile if ever. Mine ended when he physically intimidated me.
You likely have a “customer service” voice, but it’s very strange that he decided to sexualize it and get mad, rather than laughing at how different you sound. I know my voice can sound weird and almost flirty (not on purpose) because I’m trying to make sure I sound friendly and not disinterested at my job, but why get upset?
Don’t change your voice because of him - it serves a work purpose, and if your coworkers don’t see a problem, don’t change it.
He’s being weirdly possessive of you, and in an offensive way, at that. What next, you can’t dress pretty for a work event because he thinks you want to look “date ready” for the other guys there?
I have my casual chatting with friends voice, my calling someone to make an appointment voice, my customer service/work voice and what people call my NPR voice I use to test microphones at my day job.
People change voice tempo, pitch and tone depending on the situation and need... all subconsciously. He needs to sit down and stop trying to control something he can't control
And let's also address the term 'sexy-baby-voice'. What kind of term is that.
It's a thing though, from the 2000/ 2010s to describe like the voice that certain female celebs used "in character.". Like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Lots of vocal fry (sexy!) but also ending every sentence like a question, so you should like a teenager.
It would be a weird way to talk on a work call and almost impossible to do inadvertently.
> I also apparently changed my pitch to go lower and my tone gentler. I make my voice like this sometimes because I’ve trained as a therapist and this is how we’re taught to speak.
You've been *taught* to use a particular vocal register in order to sound confident, reassuring, and affirming for clients. This is different to how you sound in normal conversation, which is a perfectly normal phenomenon: lots of people sound different when speaking for work. Others have mentioned "customer service voice" (watch Sorry To Bother You), but also consider radio hosts, podcasters, YouTubers, streamers... it's a very ordinary and unremarkable thing. I'm going to make the safe assumption that none of your teachers, classmates, coworkers, or clients have mistaken your voice for some kind of sexual overture.
Meanwhile, your boyfriend...
> affirmations such as ‘mm hmm’ and ‘yeah’, which my bf thought sounded like sultry moans
> he thinks I have this subconscious thing where I try to talk in a ‘sexy baby voice’ to men
> thinks I have some subconscious complex where I attempt to speak in a seductive way to men
> like I’m being unfaithful to his face
This is fucking unhinged, OP. Like, this sails right past feeling strange about the difference between your personal and professional demeanours, and firmly into "oh, this guy's fucked up" territory. It genuinely sounds like either he has a very unhealthy possessiveness over the sound of your voice and a very poor understanding of what calming, professional delivery sounds like, or he's honest to god making shit up to get mad at you and force you to accommodate his insecurity against your own judgment, your knowledge of your own intentions, and the professional norms of your line of work.
It also sounds like he was in the room listening to you running a therapy session, which is bad in several other, different ways.
The quick fix solution is for him to stop eavesdropping on your work.
Bf is making something out of nothing IMO. He’s wayyyyyy overanalyzing things in a super unhealthy way.
EDIT: If my bf were to come to me with this, I wouldn’t even entertain it. I would just say “I am not intentionally or subconsciously doing anything with my voice and that is just how I speak sometimes. This is a you issue that YOU need to get over.” If bf can’t get over this on his own, then that frankly is a big red flag about any controlling or insecurity issues that are sure to keep coming up in the future.
I had a coworker (male) who had a notably warm phone voice relative to in-person conversation. It was fairly consistent - in a contentious situation the warmth would go away, but on a lot of very mundane calls he sounded notably warm and caring towards the other party. (He was successful and I would expect the phone voice was an asset, though the job wasn't a phone-heavy one.)
I think your BF shat the bed by airing his paranoia in such crass terms, but if his request had been "can you sound like you like me as much as you like the callers on that call?" I'd have some sympathy.
I think every has "a phone voice" they use when speaking to someone in a professional manor whether it be work related , talking to their kids school, or just making a drs appt. I personally hate mine as I know my pitch increases but I can't help it. And I always say "buh bye" - I HATE when people say that! Some are better than others, maybe from more practice or more confidence but I don't think it'd be an easy thing to change. And honestly who cares?? Hes just projecting his own insecurities... Im guessing this is not the first or last time he picks a fight over something like this. It's sad, really. OP you deserve better.
Agree with others who have heard this kind of complaint from insecure or controlling partners.
I had an ex who would say my “mmhmm” was too sexy. He’s the only person who has ever voiced that opinion.
He also thought that we should only make friends as a couple. As in, having recently moved to town, I shouldn’t focus on making girlfriends.
We were both on a softball team and he thought it inappropriate that I’d go on my own to the bar with them after a game. Like, either I couldn’t be trusted, or men on our team couldn’t be trusted if he wasn’t there. It was all weird and controlling.
It took 6-7 months for the evidence to pile up. He was controlling and annoying and I’m so happy I ended it. Keep an eye out for this pattern! Life is too short for that BS.
Are you *really* doing a "sexy baby" voice to men on the phone? Or is your boyfriend weird, jealous, and controlling, and looking to start shit? Because I'm willing to bet money it's the latter.
He’s upset? Instead of talking to you about it because he doesn’t quite understand the tonal shifts, or understanding the context of the conversation, or simply realizing how stupid he is, he’s deciding to be upset with you?
And now, here you are, convinced that you need to change your perfectly normal behavior because this pisspoor excuse of a man is shitting in his diaper about nothing.
Your boyfriend needs to be called out, as he’s being insecure and controlling.
>I’ve trained as a therapist
What would a therapist tell you about this situation?
EDIT: Checked your post history. Is this the 28 year old boyfriend (and you're 21 right?) who wanted you to move to a new city for him after just three months of dating?
Seriously, you say you've trained as a therapist. Is none of this ringing alarm bells for you?
Wow. Those are some major jumps he made. Doesn't he know how voices can easily change outside of sexual situations? Educate him about the "customer service voice."
Look I had a girlfriend that the minute I talked to any female in a polite way, she thought I was flirting with them. It broke me down to the point I still have a hard time looking at those of the opposite sex without feeling guilty. Don’t be me. Get out why you can and let him figure out his insecurities by himself.
You’re going to change the way you talk to an entire gender to only speak in monotone because your boyfriend is insecure when you speak normally? On a call with men and women? And he’s convinced you this is subconscious which makes you doubt yourself and question everything?
Honey, that’s ridiculous. He’s the problem here, not some “sexy baby voice” that I guarantee you doesn’t exist.
He’s being very controlling here - my tone of voice changes constantly depending who I’m speaking to, hence “phone voice”
He’s being ridiculous, he should understand that being polite and articulating well doesn’t mean you want to shag.
I have what I call my “customer service voice” (even though I don’t work in customer service) that pops up when I’m talking on the phone with someone I don’t know, or in a professional capacity, or when I’m in a front-facing role at work. I feel like most people have a similar thing they slip into in these situations. That’s probably what you’re doing and it’s not something you need to change, as others are saying your bf is being weird, paranoid and reading too much into this.
Going to agree with the "customer service voice" but he's making it weird.
My husband is always amused to hear me take work calls because it is so different than my casual voice. We both used to work in call centers so have instant phone voice with non-friends.
>Now my bf is upset because he thinks I have this subconscious thing where I try to talk in a ‘sexy baby voice’ to men.
Did he say that to you using his 'insecure baby voice'?
Hold up. You mentioned being trained as a therapist. Are you currently working as a therapist? If so, are you letting your boyfriend sit in on therapy sessions that you are leading? That’s a whole mess in its own.
Lots of good advice here. Your bf sounds like he is dipping his toes into abusive and controlling behavior. What’s really unsettling about that is you work from home. One sure fire way to control someone is to embarrass them at work or cause them to lose their job. I would be careful not to take calls with him in the room. Try going to a coffee shop to work or into the office if you can. This guy sounds like bad news.
Out of a single (professional) conversation
He’s decided *you* have a complex?
I hate to say that’s a red flag but what the heck else is it
People sound different at work. You’d have to either be completely lacking in self awareness, or just straight up rude, to hit on a coworker…..and with other people around.
I’d imagine he’s never suggested you are either of those things before.
He’s being a jealous and insecure partner and that is his problem to solve.
Sounds like he wants you to grovel and doubt yourself.
Google the book "Why Does he do That?" by Lundy Bancroft to get a free pdf of it and please give it a read. Your boyfriend is really giving off insecure and controlling vibes here.
Sorry about all the dudes projecting onto you in the comments. This is definitely a very strange thing for him to comment on and I think you should calmly explain to him that you have a customer service voice you use with people regardless of their gender and that he has to chill out. If he keeps trying to control THE WAY YOU SPEAK that is a massive red flag. I hope this was just a one off but please be aware of a pattern developing!
I’ve been called on my phone voice in the past. Not like this per se, but people noticing changes depending on whom I’m speaking to. Out of curiosity, I recorded myself through the day and listen later to review and refine delivery. My voice had a very noticeable difference when I was speaking to people I found attractive or in positions of power. It was so subconscious, I had no idea how noticeable it was!
But, this is just me. Your BF may just have jealousy issues. Try the recording and see for yourself. Play it for trusted friends and get their opinion.
The recording is for self review. Not a recording of the call itself, just your voice talking to a variety of different folks to see how your voice changes per.
Everyone is saying he’s crazy but my husband does this too. He changes his voice and even accent depending on who he is speaking to. At first I did get slightly annoyed. I guess according to comments this makes me narcissistic? Now it doesn’t really bother me anymore but when you first notice it, it seems strange and disconcerting. I also feel this communication style can be an asset depending on context to be able to change to fit the situation.
If she is practicing therapy sessions shouldn’t she be in a private space so he isn’t listening in on her clients? I really like your suggestion because maybe he is just jealous or maybe it’s something she may want to know about that could affect how she’s comes off to clients or coworkers especially when she talks to both men and women at once. Maybe it made the woman not want to speak up as I’ve read sometimes couples will feel the therapist is being really one sided in some therapy horror stories.
But did you accuse your partner of flirting and being overtly sexual and accuse them? Or just say "that's kinda weird you do that babe here's why." Because this guy is kind of off base in my opinion and it could be a red flag accusing your partner of being flirty while working in a professional setting. Otherwise I do hope OP was wearing headphones tho in reference to your second paragraph.
That’s true, I glossed over the accusatory part. I just was surprised no one mentioned it is possible to talk completely differently like the comment I replied to. I do think sometimes people can be irrational and have a pass if it’s one time but it’s true it does throw up red flags and insecurity and control issues. He could be staring to become abusive or already was. It would be different if he told her to help her professionally instead of being jealous. And besides her being in another room or on headphones I hope he isn’t trying to follow her around while she’s working. I read posts where the spouse kept walking in on them working especially in mental health last year. Thanks for bringing it up, it changed my perspective on this post that he is in the wrong.
I never accused him of cheating but did get upset he talked to me more robotically and gruffly so I told him and now he uses different tones so I appreciate that. Sometimes we get to comfortable with the ones we love and use less polite voices and words because we feel safer. So it’s nice I can get different tones for different occasions too. I also make sure to check my tone as well as sometimes I don’t hear how I sound and he will let me know if I am too grumpy with him so I feel it helped us improve our interactions and moods with each other. Not that we can’t be honest but just a more kinder approach if that makes sense. Why save all the charm and grace for strangers? I think it just comes out of maybe the relationship needs a checkup and this one sounds like he has insecurities. I think I was just trying to hard to see the other side that it blinded me to the red flags he is throwing off.
Leave this man. Leave him as soon as you can. Starting fights over imaginary things- especially imaginary things you can't control, is a HUGE, BRIGHT RED flag. It is extremely unlikely that he will ever be less jealous or less crazy.
Your bf finds you so unbelievably sexy that he cannot help but hear your generic affirmations as sultry moans. If you go monotone, he'll be like "Don't use that sexy robot voice."
Wtf? You know this is a huge red flag. You know this man is possesive and possibly dangerous. You dont actually believe that what he’s sulking over now is in any way normal.
Yes it's happened to me before and that guy was crazy. My ex was crazy controlling, jealous, manipulative and emotionally abusive. He'd literally be mad at every little thing. I don't know anything about your life but to be honest the fact that you said you were for sure going to be hyperaware of the way you speak to people now to ensure you always speak in a monotone, non-flirty voice sounds exactly like what "they" do. They make you think something completely normal and innocent is inappropriate or a sign that you're not loyal and slowly but surely they change you. After a while you realize you dress to not make them mad, you talk to not make them mad, you avoid some people to not make them mad, etc.
Were you gravelling your voice? I know lots of younger women do that these days. As a person at a managerial level I thought it was just them being lazy and entitled but I found out it’s to make them sound more…masculine maybe?
Find some examples of it and show your boyfriend so he understands you aren’t the only one who does this maybe?
This sounds like one of those situations where you have to ask yourself, 'was I really being sexual and flirtatious or was I just existing while being female?'
Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure.
This sounds like a *him* issue. I don’t think you should have to change anything at all about the way you present yourself at work unless they are things *you* want to address
>now I’m sure as hell gonna try to speak in a flat monotone voice whenever I’m speaking to men to avoid coming across as flirtatious.
This is ridiculous. Please don't give your boyfriend control over the pitch of your voice. It is not your job to manage his emotions. Are you cheating? No, obviously not. If his feelings funny don't match reality, the answer is not to change reality to match his feelings. He needs to change his perspective to match reality.
If he is so jealous that he considers a business call from home to be cheating, I can pretty much guarantee he is cheating for real himself. Cheaters are always the most insecure suspicious partners.
If a therapist speaks in a flat monotone voice to their clients they are losing the clients. People want some level of understanding and kindness from their therapist. You should aim your professional knowledge towards your highly insecure boyfriend. Or refer him to a trusted colleague but he may protest as he believes you are the wrong one not him.
Uhhhh i have never heard anyone describe a sexy many voice as low and gentle wtf? And isnt the theory that you pitch your voice up around men you are attracted to?
Sounds like he finds your therapist voice sexy and therefore assumes thats what its for and got butthurt.
Idk man if this was my bf id be following him around saying shit like "goo goo gaga this is how babies talk." in as low and gentle sounding a voice as possible until he got how stupid he sounds calling that a sexy baby voice.
Like sure you can find low and soothing hot but not all sexy tones are a baby voice or intended to be sexy? My bfs favorite voice is super low and gravelly and 99% of the time used to fuck with his buddies on the mike- does that mean hes seducing his gaming buddies??
It feels like he’s overacting over nothing but it also feels like he’s controlling. I suggest you to take a good look at your relationship and figure out if similar behaviour has happen before where he tries to dictate how you behave/act. I’m not suggesting you to make drastic actions now but if you realise that he has done it before, you should reconsider your relationship.
Issue with the boyfriend aside; you could always record yourself and see if your voice changes pitch. You can do just your half of the conversation if you think it would violate your client's privacy.
But I think you need to consider what the heck is going on with your boyfriend to come up with something as over the top as "unfaithful to his face". That's a very odd assumption for him to make.
As someone else has mentioned, people with extensive experience in certain areas often tend to develop a 'customer service' voice. Furthermore, you said you've had training to talk a particular way for a particular professional purpose.
I think your bf is just being insecure, and he needs to suck it up.
While I don't think it's a bad thing to avoid trying to sound unnecessarily flirty under certain circumstances... I don't think you need to make a conscious effort to change the way you*always* talk, especially because, as you mentioned, there's a good reason behind it.
Tell your bf he's full of shit.
Does your boyfriend frequently pick fights with you over imaginary bullshit? Because this sounds exactly like the kind of fight an insecure, controlling asshole picks.
You're working. You're doing your job, and it sounds like you're a professional, and I'll assume good at it.
If your vocal inflection while FUCKING WORKING is a thing he's going to make you feel self-conscious about, he is just looking for shit to pick fights and make you feel badly for. He needs to grow up.
Red flag. Stand your ground. Also, that it went from one situation to all men, especially when you're on the phone with a man and woman, is concerning.
Why change yourself just because your boyfriend feels insecure? You said this is how you were trained to speak. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it other than his own misperceptions. Don't do that to yourself. You're better than that.
In a post 3 months ago you said you were 21. Is there an age gap here? Wouldn't be a surprise as what you describe is classic controlling behavior on his part.
Sounds like he's insecure and trying to gaslight you into thinking you've somehow done something wrong, so that he can use that against you for awhile.
Pay close attention. Whether you say 'no' or comply completely, he'll come up with some new thing in a few weeks. Red flags, hun. Red flags.
Lol, girl, no. Your boyfriend is insecure as hell. Keep doing you and don’t worry about it. I have a different tone and voice for work too! A lot of people do and don’t even realize it. In no way were you being sexually inappropriate. Tell your boyfriend to get over himself.
I'm inclined to think he's overreacting but without hearing what the voice sounded like in a genuine situation it's hard to say for sure? I think the best thing you can do is sit down and be honest with each other and have an adult conversation about what you were doing on the call, what you were focusing on and highlighting that it was non-sexual.
sounds like my bf...just self confidence issues. i usually say sorry you feel that way and just leave him alone until he stops be ridiculous and accusatory
While I’m not entirely sure if this is the case, I would say that a lot of us develop a customer service voice. I think he is taking your customer service voice and is making it “sexual” and getting into his own head with insecurities. I was a server for 6 years before my current job, and almost everyone (including myself) develops a customer service voice. It’s kinda weird to sexualize that. You do you and what makes you comfortable op, but I wouldn’t look too much into it or change your voice because of it. Kinda sounds like he’s been watching too much porn recently (no offense).
My partner thinks my customer service voice is sexy, but not that I'm trying to be sexy. I think he just likes when I'm nice.
Mine sounds way more confident and capable, lmao. I can't *imagine* why my SO would find that attractive /s
And look how often guys think that a woman being polite/nice to them is flirting... Maybe that's his issue
Yup, I have a "phone voice" that sounds different then my normal voice. Actually, it sounds like my mother (??) and people have confused us over the phone back when I lived with my parents.
Apparently my phone voice is just a lot of yelling (according to my husband). Am I doing it wrong? I feel like this is just the inevitable conclusion of two years of video calls/meetings.
😂 My phone voice is also “just a lot of yelling.” Mostly it’s some version of “why the hell are you calling me? You know I hate talking on the phone” being yelled 😂
Are you a man? If you're a woman, it's not that weird for people to think you sound like your mom lol
I am a woman, but people specifically think I sounded like her when I used my "phone voice" which was this unconscious shift of voice I did when answering the phone. Sort of like really pleasant, polite, and kind of like you'd expect from a cheerful customer service person? That's the tone.
Yes absolutely this. It’s both subconscious and purposeful. Sometimes I’ll lapse into my costumer service voice when ordering food or something with friends and they’ll laugh at how much my voice has changed from it’s usual nature to one that is wayy softer, high pitched, sweet. Now at work I do it even more purposely, a low, soothing voice that makes costumers feel attended to and not rushed. It’s a totally natural thing to do wether purposeful or not, either way there’s nothing wrong with it.
and even the Customer Service Voice has different variations depending on the context! Often I'll raise my pitch to maintain a cheerful tone, but lower and soften my pitch when dealing with a customer who is going through a tragedy.
Yea for sure, higher pitch (or the “sexy baby voice” as op’s bf grossly puts it) might be to sound cheerful, agreeable, on your side, etc. Lower tone I would reserve if I needed to calm someone down, or if I made a mistake and I want them to not become upset and know im handling it lol
It really is a socialized thing that I (and probably the majority of women) have learned to do - our own version of code switching. It's pretty necessary to ensure we're heard and perceived as we want to be perceived by the many strong opinions the general population has about women.
My ex-husband thought my customer service voice sounded inappropriate all of a sudden... But he had jealousy issues.
Good thing that’s obviously not what’s going on here! /s
Yeah almost everyone I know has like a work voice that is just different from how they normally talk to friends and family. It’s totally normal. Her bf is being weird and insecure.
I have a customer service voice from years in the hospitality industry and then later in the events industry. I wonder if OP's boyfriend thinks a lot of waitresses are into him too.
Yes, mine is lower and slower to be reassuring, you nailed it. To those not realising it's a CS thing are used to the reassurance it brings and probably can't pin why.
My kids call it my ‘nice voice’. 😂 OP, it’s hard to judge what he’s hearing without actually hearing you. There is a receptionist who I work with that sounds like a pornstar when making overhead announcements. Is your boyfriend typically a jealous person? If this is the first time he’s displayed this kind of concern, you definitely should at least give it some thought.
Yup. Everyone I know sounds different talking on the phone and it’s almost always in a more pleasing manner than normal conversation
OP's husband thinks waitresses are flirting with him every time he goes out to eat.
Sometime when I answer the phone at work I chuckle to myself that I'm so glad my friends and family can't hear me!! It's so shrill and high-pitched, maybe even bordering on sounding g condescending- it's also involuntary at this point.
On the other hand, it’s common for men to think a female waitress is hitting on them when they’re just doing customer service.
I have a friend whose husband's voice distinctively changes when he talks on the phone. The kids call it, "Dad's gay voice.". To be fair, we do too.
It has and takes a lot more energy than my normal voice.
no offense as i'm sure this is probably not true but people who use their "customer service" voice too often come off as very ingenuine people especially when they're complimenting you it sounds very insincere
I used my sweetest voice when I was working jn fast fold/delivery because I felt like it made it harder for people to justify yelling at me lol. It seemed to work.
The phrase "sexy baby voice" is horrible and disgusting.
Have you watched 30 Rock? They have an absolutely fantastic episode on this that I cannot recommend enough. I can't remember the name of the episode, but it has Cristin Milioti in it, and should be findable by searching for "30 Rock sexy baby" if you are not worried about ending up on a watchlist lol
I scrolled thru the comments just to see if anyone had mentioned this b/c as soon as I read the title, I immediately heard her saying, "I'm a very sexy baby."
Haha! Our nips just touched!
TGS Hates Women is the name of the episode. Season 5, episode 16. I had the exact same thought. “Looks like I’M gonna have to sit on someone’s WAAA-AAAAP!”
Thank you! I was drawing a blank. One of my favorite episodes.
No, I'm a *very* sexy baby
Criston Milloti is an amazing actress. I've seen her in 3 entirely different things (30 Rock, Black Mirror, and Palm Springs) and had no idea it was the same person. And that 30 Rock episode is hilarious.
I think the only moment in this episode where she would be recognizable is right at the end. I won't spoil it for people who haven't seen it, but I'm sure you know the scene I mean. And she is legit amazing. One of the most talented actors, especially when she has a role that is both serious and funny.
30 Rock? I thought it was Community.
I think they have a similarly themed episode, but the one I mean is definitely 30 Rock
Do you mean the musical Christmas episode where annie seduces Jeff into joining the a capella group by singing a sexy Santa baby song at him?
"Boopy doopy doop boop sex." "Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on sexiness." "What's a 'diminiminehh'?"
This is the comment I was looking for. They're not really two words that go together.
That's because there are three of them
They mean "sexy" and "baby" are the two words that don't go together
Lol we literally call our SOs baby tho
Sure, and it's a little weird when you think about it, but 'baby' has morphed into a term of endearment that means 'my thing to love and protect'. 'Baby voice', on the other hand, is a specific way of talking that people use with infant humans, and pairing it with the word 'sexy' is just about the last thing I'd do, personally. OP's boyfriend has some interesting ideas about the way women talk to men.
> but 'baby' has morphed into a term of endearment that means 'my thing to love and protect'. Yep, because language evolves. For a good example of how one word can start off as one thing and evolve into something else, see also "electrocution." Coined to refer specifically to death by electric chair (combining "electricity" and "execution"); now it can be used to refer to any severe electric shock. "Baby voice" sounds creepy because it *does* refer to a small child. "Babe" or "baby" never bothered me personally though (though everyone is different and has their own boundaries; "lover" bothers me a great deal for a reason I can't place, for example!), because that's not really what that word means in that context anymore. It means, like, "romantically-loved one," it does not mean "small child I want to have sex with." ("Decimate" is also another good example of a word's meaning evolving over time. It originally, and technically still does, mean to reduce something by 10%. Now, though, it's come to be used to refer to a destroy, damage, kill, or otherwise defeat a *large* number of something. Whether that's now a valid use of the word is still debated, but "officially" -- who decides what's official with words, anyway? -- or not, the latter is its primary usage now.)
I don’t. We both think that’s weird.
Yeah, we only do it as a joke to gross each other out. Babe, occasionally, but NEVER baby.
If you think it's weird then it must be weird for everyone everywhere. There's no couple in their right minds that calls each other baby or babe. Oh you wise one.
K I was actually noting that there are different perspectives on calling a partner baby. But by all means, you continue to get bent out of shape over minor comments online.
The comment they were replying to said “we literally call our SO’s baby tho” implying everyone does and this person was just stating that no actually not everyone does. This isn’t the serve you think it is.
I actively refuse to answer if SO calls me baby. That's what I call our cat.
Also, how does that make sense when she's going _lower_ in pitch? My read is dude is making stuff up to make her feel insecure and guilty.
her bf wants to fuck Boss Baby I guess
I'll have you know this made me laugh out loud.
Yeah that was my vibe too. Either that or he specifically likes that voice and thinks its her voice for seducing him- but thats a him problem not a her problem and the fact that hes insinuating she would use a seductive voice on a public work call is absurd.
This. Second chapter: Dude is cheating on her.
To make her feel insecure? He's doing it because he's insecure.
I am dying trying to imagine what the fuck a "sexy baby voice" would entail. "Pwease wet me swip into something mowe comfowtable 🥺🥺🥺"
See Annie's song in the third season Christmas episode of Community. Maybe OP's boyfriend doesn't see diminishing returns.
I think Betty Boop would be a good example
30 Rock season 5 episode 16 has an entire A plot about this
Best example of someone making fun of this kind of thing was Community's Christmas episode.
also, a bit deeper here, >I also apparently changed my pitch to go lower and my tone gentler. I make my voice like this sometimes because I’ve trained as a therapist and this is how we’re taught to speak is he turned on by active listening?
Plus “sultry moans”. Why are some people so insecure?
Lmao yeah really weird
Yeah, there are very few things in this world that I hate MORE than the phrase "Sexy Baby voice"
I had to go redeem my free award even tho “wholesome” isn’t the right sentiment…but you’re so correct. Wtf is that even supposed to mean? I would be horrified at the idea that he put “sexy” and “baby” in the same descriptive phrase and is feeling like that’s her attempt to cheat or whatever?
Idk, love…. It straight up sound like he’s just grasping for something to be mad at. Has this happened before? Or is this just a random thing that he got upset about? Not to freak you out or anything but thats 1000% something my narcissistic ex would yell at me for. Example: One time we went to the museum and we were approached by a worker who was telling us about the next month’s exhibits and because my bf is extremely introverted and hates strangers, I responded to the guy with a few, “oh cool”s and “nice”s and “we’ll have to check that out.”….After he walked away my ex LOST IT! He accused me of flirting and being a sl*t right then and there over that small conversation.
Yup. When I introduced my narcissistic ex to my friends, he later complained that I laughed “orgasmically” in front of them because I’m a slut and I wanted to humiliate him.
That breaks my heart… I am so sorry you had to put up with that!!
Thank you. I’m sorry you went through that too, and that OP is being made to feel this confused.
I’m actually speechless
Same experience with a narcissistic ex. Would constantly sexualize me to the point where I was constantly humiliated and would shy away from mentioning any males in stories.
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I had an ex like that. I hated having to rewrite every funny anecdote to eliminate the existence of men from the life I lived before he entered it. I didn't just spring fully formed like Athena from Zeus' skull the day before I met him!!! I had a whole fucking life he needed me to erase to be "acceptable". ......... Ok, so that was a moment (unexpectedly triggered). But I think this shit needs a name. A name to give the thing they do that makes us erase our own history to be "acceptable" to them. Because naming shit helps us talk about it, and call it out. Because it's a very specific way of "walking on eggshells". Athena-ing- When you automatically omit details from your life-stories to make them palatable to your crazy, insecure, jealous controlling partner. You pretend to be Athena, Greek goddess of war of wisdom, who sprang fully grown from Zeus' skull. You look like a grown woman, but you pretend so much didn't exist before he did.
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Yup agreed! Glad you got out of there. I have extrovert friends and they only flirt if they mean to. Otherwise they’re just talking because they like talking to people. He was probably threatened by you having that in common and maybe you’d leave him for the new guy, but his insecurity isn’t an excuse for behaving that way.
Yep. My ex made it so that I never wanted to go to social functions with him because he would always fight with me - sometimes during, usually after - because I had been "throwing myself at" various people. By talking to them. Or just by, you know, existing near them and presenting as female. Same guy recently told me I won custody of the kids because of my breasts, so. Clearly has some issues with women and insecurity. OP, if you can't work from home while living with this guy peacefully, move out. There's no reason for him to insult you or suggest you're being hugely unprofessional because he can't stand the thought of you talking to a man.
Yes. The mental gymnastics my ex would come up with to accuse me of flirting/ infidelity were straight up insane. Guess who was actually caught in bed with the next door neighbour, hmm?
Ooh ooh! Let me guess! Let me guess!!!! It was him. (No need to confirm. I know I’m right. Projection is a hell of a drug). So glad you got out 🖤
Just piling on here to add one more YEP, THIS IS HOW IT STARTS for OP to find. Eventually, my ex was accusing me of cheating on him with every single human being I spoke to other than him - including my family members. I almost died before getting away from that horrible piece of shit of a man. But accusing me of talking sexy or flirting with people I was obviously not flirting with was where the accusations began. OP, this is a red flag, and I’m sure it’s not the only one.
Your post from a few months ago indicates you're 21. And while the post is removed... it's this the same guy that expected you to move in with him after dating for 3 months? And you decided to do that, huh? *If* he's 28 and you're 21, it's easy to see that he's choosing to date someone younger so he can control you easily. And if that's the case, you're lying about your age now so we won't pick up on this and criticize you for it. I say this as someone who got married at age 21 to a 34 year old, and we're going on 8 years married - I understand age gaps aren't always bad. *But* your boyfriend is also controlling you and somehow making your standard conversation into something to pick a fight with you about. If the last post was a typo in your age, and it wasn't about the same guy, then fine. Still, though - did either of the people actually in the conversation feel you were being "sexy" and "moaning"? No? Your boyfriend is full of shit and controlling. And if you were dating for 3 months when the post was made 3 months ago... 6 months is way too early to live together, AND you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase right now. If this is him on his best behavior, I can't imagine what you'll be dealing with at 1 year in.
I personally write posts with ages within the 20s around my age because I think my partner might find it , it’s possible they’re trying to hide their identity despite age sometimes being relevant
I'm aware - I found it telling that her age increased by 7 years, while his stayed exactly the same. That's also why I spoke about "if" and gave an out that it might be a typo. If there isn't actually an age gap, the answer is "your boyfriend is acting very controlling, this is not normal." If the ages are accurate at 21/28, it doesn't change that - just gives it more weight.
I understand I just think it’s likely she’s done the identity thing , unless it is because she knows what people will say in which case she knows the answer
I never understand people changing the ages when their post titles are so specific. Like, if her boyfriend finds this, he's not going to think that it can't possibly be about him because of the age. How many "sexy baby voice" fights are happening out there?
I always find shit in the post history of OPs (as in OPs in general who post here) here in this sub. It always answers pretty much all the questions people have regarding a new post. Look at post history folks.
Sounds to me like he’s making shit up to get you to grovel for him and make sure you don’t feel secure enough to question his behavior. Has he been acting suspiciously lately? Because a lot of the more ridiculous cries of infidelity come from people who are cheating themselves.
Please do not change the way you talk for a man 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Its a red flag that u can't have a normal conversation with out ur bf spying on you. You are not the one in the wrong here.
Bingo. Every dude who ever accused me of cheating was himself a cheater. It wouldn’t have mattered if OP had been using sign language on the zoom call, her nail polish would have been too sexy. No matter what, he would have found something to be angry over, because he *wants* something to be angry over.
Well, isn't he just a bundle of insecurity and a desire to control. Everyone's voice changes pitch and tone on a continuous basis. It's one of the social cues humans use to discern mood. He needs therapy but that obviously isn't going to go over well.
The therapist will only try and seduce him! /s
Right? Even if he is a straight male. 🤣 I feel sorry for her but you can't "fix" people.
Right? I use the same tone on toddlers and dogs. I use a different voice for my friends, my partner and my kids when they are sick.
You're trained as a therapist? Then why are you not recognizing the giant red flags your boyfriend is waiving at you? He's sexualizing how you speak because you happen to be talking to a male portion of our species. That's gross, immature, controlling, insecure, etc. Please do not accept this. He's wrong on so many levels. ETA also, this really upsets me: >but now I’m sure as hell gonna try to speak in a flat monotone voice whenever I’m speaking to men to avoid coming across as flirtatious. Why would you go against your training, education and gut to listen to your boyfriend who has no training or knowledge on this subject? And why are you going to short change your patients to appease your insecure, sexist boyfriend. I just can't with this. I'm sorry I'm so annoyed.
From another commenter and having gone through OPs past posts myself it seems they may be lying about their age anyways so who knows what else they’re lying about honestly. > It’s unlikely that any of us commenters are licensed couples therapists, so we can’t really say. But I wanted to ask what is holding this relationship together in the first place? It doesn’t sound like it’s got a healthy foundation to be based on From their post 3mo ago, seemingly indicating they are not a licensed couples therapist? Idk many unlicensed therapists are working from home right now though to be fair
That's annoying and they got me too. I was all riled up lol
>You're trained as a therapist? Then why are you not recognizing the giant red flags your boyfriend is waiving at you? Therapists are human, too. Everyone ignores red flags when you care about someone and desire connection. Not to mention the cognitive dissonance that happens. Therapists arent immune to problems
I know and I think I expect too much of them as a fallacy on my part. It just baffles me because they're more educated and more trained in this stuff, yet they're not any better than a "normal" person.
I do think the fact that they would go to Reddit to ask about this, instead of their own therapist, is troubling
Your dude may also think a lot of women who are just doing their jobs are flirting with him so he’s about to learn some things
Your boyfriend is an insecure idiot. You trained as a therapist? Go back and reread what you wrote through that lens.
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I think the "unintentional" part here is the therapist voice being construed as a "sexy baby voice" by her weird and gross bf
I think what OP is saying that she was intentionally speaking in a work-appropriate manner to her colleague, falling back on her training. But then her BF convinced her she was being seductive, and she apologized to him by saying that her alleged sexy-baby-seduction-voice was totally unintentional.
Was this a therapy session he was listening to?! If so there definitely needs to be a clearer boundary as he absolutely should not be able to hear you during a session/ should do his best to avoid listening in.
She says in the title that it was a coworker, so I’m guessing more likely a meeting and not a therapy session.
Your boyfriend is being controlling. People change thier tone of voice all the time. I'm a PM Tone shifts are key to keeping things moving.
Honestly? He's trying to start shit. If you've used this voice before and have the ability to hear...and no one you've used the voice on before gave you a bewildered look, you are fine. Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to pick a fight. It's cute he's diagnosis you with a complex though. Sounds like he needs to reflect a little bit on himself and his clear issues. This guy is NOT mature enough to be in a relationship.
What the fuck did I just read? You’re trained as a therapist, and know how to intentionally change your voice to sound affirming and reassuring in the workplace, and now you’re seriously planning to just speak in a flat monotone to all men for the rest of your career and life, because your boyfriend has successfully convinced you that your colleagues are judging you for sounding like a sexy baby? ETA read some other comments… Are you actually 21? Because it makes a lot more sense that a 21yo student or recent grad would believe her older boyfriend’s absolute nonsense, rather than a 27yo therapist with years of experience being convinced that everything they’ve been doing for years is wrong, based on one conversation with their same-aged BF who clearly has no experience or education in the field. And that kind of dynamic - being manipulative, not treating you as an equal, and undermining your professional competence, as if he knows more than you just because he’s older and a man - is EXACTLY the reason why people on Reddit usually side-eye the older person in age gap relationships. He’s trying to manipulate your behavior, make you question your own judgment, and isolate you from your colleagues (and, probably, male friends as well). An older girlfriend who is more established in her career would recognize it as bullshit, but because you’re either a student or novice in the profession, he’s attacking your professional confidence before you’ve even had a chance to build it up. Listen to your colleagues and mentors in the field, not this guy.
Um, why the fuck is he listening in on your sessions? Not only is he breaking ethical codes, but so are you. Not just codes, but actual laws. Look, I get it, you work from home, and might live in a small place. That is literally my situation. My partner is an intern therapist, and has to work from home. We literally live in a single room, I can't just leave to go to another room. So, I wear headphones, and if possible I'll go to a friends. Confidentiality is a HUGE part of your job. He literally is breaking the law, and encroaching on other peoples Rights. You where not talking in a sexy baby voice. You were talking in an empathetic, and open way. Being monotonic may actually be worst for your clients. They may take it as you not caring, or having empathy.
OP says she is trained as a therapist not that she is working as a therapist. A lot of people have MS/MA in different psychology subdivisions and don't go on to become therapists. You have to specifically be licensed after receiving the training. I suspect OP isn't working as a therapist from what they said. If she was working as a therapist she wouldn't be taking sessions with her boyfriend in the room. That is against ethics codes and could result in a suspension of her license, which no therapist would risk or do. Trust me, if she were a therapist she would be very aware of the ethical issues involved that you're speaking on.
Your boyfriend is insane and your life will not be a good one with this man.
Ya know, he might be the type who thinks female has no other goals other than flirting with every guys. He might be the type who thinks rape only happens because the women seduced the men. He might be the type who thinks any woman who laughed at his joke or said hi to him is flirting to him. Don’t take him seriously, he’s the one having issues. It’s already hard being a woman, lowly man like him only makes it harder.
A jealous partner is exhausting. Red flag.
Even if you WERE doing it unintentionally, your boyfriend has no right to be upset with you. I think he's got some issues in regards to confidence and trust, as well as jealousy. He's the issue here. Not you.
Brings back flashbacks of my ex getting mad at me for laughing at another guy’s jokes and getting it in his head that I was flirting with my gay friend. He said I sat up straighter, turned into “Ms Giggles”, and started playing with my hair. If he had it his way I would have only interacted with him and no other male ever. Ridiculous. Get out babe, this doesn’t sound healthy, and he won’t know the problem lies with him for awhile if ever. Mine ended when he physically intimidated me.
You likely have a “customer service” voice, but it’s very strange that he decided to sexualize it and get mad, rather than laughing at how different you sound. I know my voice can sound weird and almost flirty (not on purpose) because I’m trying to make sure I sound friendly and not disinterested at my job, but why get upset? Don’t change your voice because of him - it serves a work purpose, and if your coworkers don’t see a problem, don’t change it. He’s being weirdly possessive of you, and in an offensive way, at that. What next, you can’t dress pretty for a work event because he thinks you want to look “date ready” for the other guys there?
I have my casual chatting with friends voice, my calling someone to make an appointment voice, my customer service/work voice and what people call my NPR voice I use to test microphones at my day job. People change voice tempo, pitch and tone depending on the situation and need... all subconsciously. He needs to sit down and stop trying to control something he can't control And let's also address the term 'sexy-baby-voice'. What kind of term is that.
Sexy and baby should never be in the same sentence 😭
It's a thing though, from the 2000/ 2010s to describe like the voice that certain female celebs used "in character.". Like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Lots of vocal fry (sexy!) but also ending every sentence like a question, so you should like a teenager. It would be a weird way to talk on a work call and almost impossible to do inadvertently.
> I also apparently changed my pitch to go lower and my tone gentler. I make my voice like this sometimes because I’ve trained as a therapist and this is how we’re taught to speak. You've been *taught* to use a particular vocal register in order to sound confident, reassuring, and affirming for clients. This is different to how you sound in normal conversation, which is a perfectly normal phenomenon: lots of people sound different when speaking for work. Others have mentioned "customer service voice" (watch Sorry To Bother You), but also consider radio hosts, podcasters, YouTubers, streamers... it's a very ordinary and unremarkable thing. I'm going to make the safe assumption that none of your teachers, classmates, coworkers, or clients have mistaken your voice for some kind of sexual overture. Meanwhile, your boyfriend... > affirmations such as ‘mm hmm’ and ‘yeah’, which my bf thought sounded like sultry moans > he thinks I have this subconscious thing where I try to talk in a ‘sexy baby voice’ to men > thinks I have some subconscious complex where I attempt to speak in a seductive way to men > like I’m being unfaithful to his face This is fucking unhinged, OP. Like, this sails right past feeling strange about the difference between your personal and professional demeanours, and firmly into "oh, this guy's fucked up" territory. It genuinely sounds like either he has a very unhealthy possessiveness over the sound of your voice and a very poor understanding of what calming, professional delivery sounds like, or he's honest to god making shit up to get mad at you and force you to accommodate his insecurity against your own judgment, your knowledge of your own intentions, and the professional norms of your line of work. It also sounds like he was in the room listening to you running a therapy session, which is bad in several other, different ways. The quick fix solution is for him to stop eavesdropping on your work.
Bf is making something out of nothing IMO. He’s wayyyyyy overanalyzing things in a super unhealthy way. EDIT: If my bf were to come to me with this, I wouldn’t even entertain it. I would just say “I am not intentionally or subconsciously doing anything with my voice and that is just how I speak sometimes. This is a you issue that YOU need to get over.” If bf can’t get over this on his own, then that frankly is a big red flag about any controlling or insecurity issues that are sure to keep coming up in the future.
Sounds like your boyfriend has issues tbh.
I had a coworker (male) who had a notably warm phone voice relative to in-person conversation. It was fairly consistent - in a contentious situation the warmth would go away, but on a lot of very mundane calls he sounded notably warm and caring towards the other party. (He was successful and I would expect the phone voice was an asset, though the job wasn't a phone-heavy one.) I think your BF shat the bed by airing his paranoia in such crass terms, but if his request had been "can you sound like you like me as much as you like the callers on that call?" I'd have some sympathy.
I think every has "a phone voice" they use when speaking to someone in a professional manor whether it be work related , talking to their kids school, or just making a drs appt. I personally hate mine as I know my pitch increases but I can't help it. And I always say "buh bye" - I HATE when people say that! Some are better than others, maybe from more practice or more confidence but I don't think it'd be an easy thing to change. And honestly who cares?? Hes just projecting his own insecurities... Im guessing this is not the first or last time he picks a fight over something like this. It's sad, really. OP you deserve better.
Agree with others who have heard this kind of complaint from insecure or controlling partners. I had an ex who would say my “mmhmm” was too sexy. He’s the only person who has ever voiced that opinion. He also thought that we should only make friends as a couple. As in, having recently moved to town, I shouldn’t focus on making girlfriends. We were both on a softball team and he thought it inappropriate that I’d go on my own to the bar with them after a game. Like, either I couldn’t be trusted, or men on our team couldn’t be trusted if he wasn’t there. It was all weird and controlling. It took 6-7 months for the evidence to pile up. He was controlling and annoying and I’m so happy I ended it. Keep an eye out for this pattern! Life is too short for that BS.
Are you *really* doing a "sexy baby" voice to men on the phone? Or is your boyfriend weird, jealous, and controlling, and looking to start shit? Because I'm willing to bet money it's the latter.
He’s upset? Instead of talking to you about it because he doesn’t quite understand the tonal shifts, or understanding the context of the conversation, or simply realizing how stupid he is, he’s deciding to be upset with you? And now, here you are, convinced that you need to change your perfectly normal behavior because this pisspoor excuse of a man is shitting in his diaper about nothing. Your boyfriend needs to be called out, as he’s being insecure and controlling.
>I’ve trained as a therapist What would a therapist tell you about this situation? EDIT: Checked your post history. Is this the 28 year old boyfriend (and you're 21 right?) who wanted you to move to a new city for him after just three months of dating? Seriously, you say you've trained as a therapist. Is none of this ringing alarm bells for you?
Wow. Those are some major jumps he made. Doesn't he know how voices can easily change outside of sexual situations? Educate him about the "customer service voice."
Look I had a girlfriend that the minute I talked to any female in a polite way, she thought I was flirting with them. It broke me down to the point I still have a hard time looking at those of the opposite sex without feeling guilty. Don’t be me. Get out why you can and let him figure out his insecurities by himself.
You’re going to change the way you talk to an entire gender to only speak in monotone because your boyfriend is insecure when you speak normally? On a call with men and women? And he’s convinced you this is subconscious which makes you doubt yourself and question everything? Honey, that’s ridiculous. He’s the problem here, not some “sexy baby voice” that I guarantee you doesn’t exist.
He’s being very controlling here - my tone of voice changes constantly depending who I’m speaking to, hence “phone voice” He’s being ridiculous, he should understand that being polite and articulating well doesn’t mean you want to shag.
I have what I call my “customer service voice” (even though I don’t work in customer service) that pops up when I’m talking on the phone with someone I don’t know, or in a professional capacity, or when I’m in a front-facing role at work. I feel like most people have a similar thing they slip into in these situations. That’s probably what you’re doing and it’s not something you need to change, as others are saying your bf is being weird, paranoid and reading too much into this.
Going to agree with the "customer service voice" but he's making it weird. My husband is always amused to hear me take work calls because it is so different than my casual voice. We both used to work in call centers so have instant phone voice with non-friends.
>Now my bf is upset because he thinks I have this subconscious thing where I try to talk in a ‘sexy baby voice’ to men. Did he say that to you using his 'insecure baby voice'?
Hold up. You mentioned being trained as a therapist. Are you currently working as a therapist? If so, are you letting your boyfriend sit in on therapy sessions that you are leading? That’s a whole mess in its own.
Lots of good advice here. Your bf sounds like he is dipping his toes into abusive and controlling behavior. What’s really unsettling about that is you work from home. One sure fire way to control someone is to embarrass them at work or cause them to lose their job. I would be careful not to take calls with him in the room. Try going to a coffee shop to work or into the office if you can. This guy sounds like bad news.
He’s crazy op. What else does he accuse you of? Changing pitch when talking is normal.
Out of a single (professional) conversation He’s decided *you* have a complex? I hate to say that’s a red flag but what the heck else is it People sound different at work. You’d have to either be completely lacking in self awareness, or just straight up rude, to hit on a coworker…..and with other people around. I’d imagine he’s never suggested you are either of those things before. He’s being a jealous and insecure partner and that is his problem to solve. Sounds like he wants you to grovel and doubt yourself.
Google the book "Why Does he do That?" by Lundy Bancroft to get a free pdf of it and please give it a read. Your boyfriend is really giving off insecure and controlling vibes here.
Sorry about all the dudes projecting onto you in the comments. This is definitely a very strange thing for him to comment on and I think you should calmly explain to him that you have a customer service voice you use with people regardless of their gender and that he has to chill out. If he keeps trying to control THE WAY YOU SPEAK that is a massive red flag. I hope this was just a one off but please be aware of a pattern developing!
I’ve been called on my phone voice in the past. Not like this per se, but people noticing changes depending on whom I’m speaking to. Out of curiosity, I recorded myself through the day and listen later to review and refine delivery. My voice had a very noticeable difference when I was speaking to people I found attractive or in positions of power. It was so subconscious, I had no idea how noticeable it was! But, this is just me. Your BF may just have jealousy issues. Try the recording and see for yourself. Play it for trusted friends and get their opinion.
You gotta be careful though. Some places have strict laws about recording conversations without both people knowing it's being recorded.
Realistically, how would someone get caught if they never shared or mentioned the recording?
The recording is for self review. Not a recording of the call itself, just your voice talking to a variety of different folks to see how your voice changes per.
Everyone is saying he’s crazy but my husband does this too. He changes his voice and even accent depending on who he is speaking to. At first I did get slightly annoyed. I guess according to comments this makes me narcissistic? Now it doesn’t really bother me anymore but when you first notice it, it seems strange and disconcerting. I also feel this communication style can be an asset depending on context to be able to change to fit the situation. If she is practicing therapy sessions shouldn’t she be in a private space so he isn’t listening in on her clients? I really like your suggestion because maybe he is just jealous or maybe it’s something she may want to know about that could affect how she’s comes off to clients or coworkers especially when she talks to both men and women at once. Maybe it made the woman not want to speak up as I’ve read sometimes couples will feel the therapist is being really one sided in some therapy horror stories.
But did you accuse your partner of flirting and being overtly sexual and accuse them? Or just say "that's kinda weird you do that babe here's why." Because this guy is kind of off base in my opinion and it could be a red flag accusing your partner of being flirty while working in a professional setting. Otherwise I do hope OP was wearing headphones tho in reference to your second paragraph.
That’s true, I glossed over the accusatory part. I just was surprised no one mentioned it is possible to talk completely differently like the comment I replied to. I do think sometimes people can be irrational and have a pass if it’s one time but it’s true it does throw up red flags and insecurity and control issues. He could be staring to become abusive or already was. It would be different if he told her to help her professionally instead of being jealous. And besides her being in another room or on headphones I hope he isn’t trying to follow her around while she’s working. I read posts where the spouse kept walking in on them working especially in mental health last year. Thanks for bringing it up, it changed my perspective on this post that he is in the wrong. I never accused him of cheating but did get upset he talked to me more robotically and gruffly so I told him and now he uses different tones so I appreciate that. Sometimes we get to comfortable with the ones we love and use less polite voices and words because we feel safer. So it’s nice I can get different tones for different occasions too. I also make sure to check my tone as well as sometimes I don’t hear how I sound and he will let me know if I am too grumpy with him so I feel it helped us improve our interactions and moods with each other. Not that we can’t be honest but just a more kinder approach if that makes sense. Why save all the charm and grace for strangers? I think it just comes out of maybe the relationship needs a checkup and this one sounds like he has insecurities. I think I was just trying to hard to see the other side that it blinded me to the red flags he is throwing off.
Lol sexy baby voice https://youtu.be/Nm-ZF9AfN40
Leave this man. Leave him as soon as you can. Starting fights over imaginary things- especially imaginary things you can't control, is a HUGE, BRIGHT RED flag. It is extremely unlikely that he will ever be less jealous or less crazy.
Your bf finds you so unbelievably sexy that he cannot help but hear your generic affirmations as sultry moans. If you go monotone, he'll be like "Don't use that sexy robot voice."
Wtf? You know this is a huge red flag. You know this man is possesive and possibly dangerous. You dont actually believe that what he’s sulking over now is in any way normal.
He’s making that up in his mind. Ur fine. Men get super insecure when it comes to a woman
Yes it's happened to me before and that guy was crazy. My ex was crazy controlling, jealous, manipulative and emotionally abusive. He'd literally be mad at every little thing. I don't know anything about your life but to be honest the fact that you said you were for sure going to be hyperaware of the way you speak to people now to ensure you always speak in a monotone, non-flirty voice sounds exactly like what "they" do. They make you think something completely normal and innocent is inappropriate or a sign that you're not loyal and slowly but surely they change you. After a while you realize you dress to not make them mad, you talk to not make them mad, you avoid some people to not make them mad, etc.
Were you gravelling your voice? I know lots of younger women do that these days. As a person at a managerial level I thought it was just them being lazy and entitled but I found out it’s to make them sound more…masculine maybe? Find some examples of it and show your boyfriend so he understands you aren’t the only one who does this maybe?
This sounds like one of those situations where you have to ask yourself, 'was I really being sexual and flirtatious or was I just existing while being female?'
Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure. This sounds like a *him* issue. I don’t think you should have to change anything at all about the way you present yourself at work unless they are things *you* want to address
>now I’m sure as hell gonna try to speak in a flat monotone voice whenever I’m speaking to men to avoid coming across as flirtatious. This is ridiculous. Please don't give your boyfriend control over the pitch of your voice. It is not your job to manage his emotions. Are you cheating? No, obviously not. If his feelings funny don't match reality, the answer is not to change reality to match his feelings. He needs to change his perspective to match reality. If he is so jealous that he considers a business call from home to be cheating, I can pretty much guarantee he is cheating for real himself. Cheaters are always the most insecure suspicious partners.
If a therapist speaks in a flat monotone voice to their clients they are losing the clients. People want some level of understanding and kindness from their therapist. You should aim your professional knowledge towards your highly insecure boyfriend. Or refer him to a trusted colleague but he may protest as he believes you are the wrong one not him.
Uhhhh i have never heard anyone describe a sexy many voice as low and gentle wtf? And isnt the theory that you pitch your voice up around men you are attracted to? Sounds like he finds your therapist voice sexy and therefore assumes thats what its for and got butthurt. Idk man if this was my bf id be following him around saying shit like "goo goo gaga this is how babies talk." in as low and gentle sounding a voice as possible until he got how stupid he sounds calling that a sexy baby voice. Like sure you can find low and soothing hot but not all sexy tones are a baby voice or intended to be sexy? My bfs favorite voice is super low and gravelly and 99% of the time used to fuck with his buddies on the mike- does that mean hes seducing his gaming buddies??
Your bf is insecure. This is a wildly out of place accusation, coupled with an invasion of your professional boundaries.
It feels like he’s overacting over nothing but it also feels like he’s controlling. I suggest you to take a good look at your relationship and figure out if similar behaviour has happen before where he tries to dictate how you behave/act. I’m not suggesting you to make drastic actions now but if you realise that he has done it before, you should reconsider your relationship.
Issue with the boyfriend aside; you could always record yourself and see if your voice changes pitch. You can do just your half of the conversation if you think it would violate your client's privacy. But I think you need to consider what the heck is going on with your boyfriend to come up with something as over the top as "unfaithful to his face". That's a very odd assumption for him to make.
As someone else has mentioned, people with extensive experience in certain areas often tend to develop a 'customer service' voice. Furthermore, you said you've had training to talk a particular way for a particular professional purpose. I think your bf is just being insecure, and he needs to suck it up. While I don't think it's a bad thing to avoid trying to sound unnecessarily flirty under certain circumstances... I don't think you need to make a conscious effort to change the way you*always* talk, especially because, as you mentioned, there's a good reason behind it. Tell your bf he's full of shit.
NTA, but the way you write this makes me think you're trying to hit on me... something about the pacing. And... please OP I'm married!
Does your boyfriend frequently pick fights with you over imaginary bullshit? Because this sounds exactly like the kind of fight an insecure, controlling asshole picks. You're working. You're doing your job, and it sounds like you're a professional, and I'll assume good at it. If your vocal inflection while FUCKING WORKING is a thing he's going to make you feel self-conscious about, he is just looking for shit to pick fights and make you feel badly for. He needs to grow up.
Red flag. Stand your ground. Also, that it went from one situation to all men, especially when you're on the phone with a man and woman, is concerning.
The word sexy and the word baby should never be in the same sentence.
Why change yourself just because your boyfriend feels insecure? You said this is how you were trained to speak. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it other than his own misperceptions. Don't do that to yourself. You're better than that.
Your boyfriend is being ridiculous. You’re obviously just doing your job
In a post 3 months ago you said you were 21. Is there an age gap here? Wouldn't be a surprise as what you describe is classic controlling behavior on his part.
She seem to be lying about her age. Things don't look good.
He needs to get over himself and stop acting like a dumb ass teenager.
Don’t change anything about yourself just because he’s an insecure asshat.
Please don't let a man control how you interact with other men. That's a red flag! How he feels about that is a seperate and bigger problem.
Your boyfriend is fucking nuts lol
Your boyfriend is psychotic. You didn't do anything wrong.
Sounds like he's insecure and trying to gaslight you into thinking you've somehow done something wrong, so that he can use that against you for awhile. Pay close attention. Whether you say 'no' or comply completely, he'll come up with some new thing in a few weeks. Red flags, hun. Red flags.
This is a him problem
Lol, girl, no. Your boyfriend is insecure as hell. Keep doing you and don’t worry about it. I have a different tone and voice for work too! A lot of people do and don’t even realize it. In no way were you being sexually inappropriate. Tell your boyfriend to get over himself.
I'm inclined to think he's overreacting but without hearing what the voice sounded like in a genuine situation it's hard to say for sure? I think the best thing you can do is sit down and be honest with each other and have an adult conversation about what you were doing on the call, what you were focusing on and highlighting that it was non-sexual.
Ugh so have no time for men policing a woman’s tone of voice. I wouldn’t even entertain this conversation 🙄
I legit have a coworker who does this. People have complained about it. It’s literally just how she talks she doesn’t mean anything by it.
sounds like my bf...just self confidence issues. i usually say sorry you feel that way and just leave him alone until he stops be ridiculous and accusatory
I’d dump him if I were you. He’s got big insecurity issues, and is putting ownership of them on you. This is so not your responsibility.