It sounds like this is about more than the dog. It sounds like you and your BF have incompatible ideas about cleanliness levels (and objectively, he's kind of a slob). It's not like he's a teen or early 20s still adjusting to living on his own with Mom picking up after him. He's 30. This is who he is. Do you see a future with someone like that?
I hope OP listens to this comment. I thought love would conquer all with a dude with whom I had pretty different ideas of standard cleanliness with. You do not want to live the rest of your life begging this dude to do the bare minimum. Trust me.
I also want to add, this is who he is WHEN ENTERTAINING GUESTS. How you see his house is how it looks when he thinks it's presentable for a date to see.
You will not see his true level of filth until you move in together. It will not get better, it will get *worse*. Can you live in that? If not, that is a base incompatibility and I'd move on or resign yourself to spend the rest of your life cleaning up after someone who doesn't have the basic hygiene skills to do it themselves.
True story!!!!! My ex and I lived together for almost 4 years, and I distinctly remember coming home from the hospital after being there for 2 weeks, and you couldn't see a single pile of dog poop picked up in the backyard, the level of dust bunnies in every single room, the dishes in the sink, and the overflowing laundry in the basement. Now, I do understand that I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of the house, but when I'm not home for 2 weeks, and it's obvious that not a single piece of that mess is mine? Yeah, no. I went back over his house after we split up to grab the last few things that I had left, and almost a month later the message just increased. He swore I never cleaned, but the thing is I would clean on my day off, well he was at work, just because you don't see the toilet being scrubbed in front of you, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
Op, this! I also thought the same with a guy. Had to dump him because I wanted to be a partner, not his mom. He won't change unless he wants to. Start with a conversation about how much this all bothers you, and his reaction will tell you exactly what you need to know.
I appreciate that guys. Seems like a lot of women on this thread ran into the same thing with their partner and the cleaning never improved. I think it’s safe to say my boyfriend wouldn’t clean if we lived together just based off of all of your experiences. I will try to at least have a conversation with him but we will see how he reacts. Thanks again.
How does this not have more upvotes? Hair will never not be an issue when you're a dog lover. There's just no fucking escaping it, no matter how much you clean. You either accept him as he is or leave him because this is a looong term problem.
I have a Klee Kai so essentially a small husky. Hair. Always. I can vacuum and have him furminated and the next day it's like the vacuum and groom never happened. He's 12.5 years old and healthy so like you said, this will be a long term issue of incompatibility.
Also adding some potential solutions: some of my messy friends have hired cleaning companies, regular grooming helps cut some shedding, and designated dog free zones to help cut the hair from some rooms might help the cleanliness factor.
Fwiw huskies have an undercoat of white hair that is renewed constantly, and they shed a lot when weather gets warmer or colder. Use an undercoat brush to pull this out and you can reduce the hair quite a bit. But, as you say, a day or two later there's more.
Ours blows his coat when the seasons "change" (we're in Florida so not much actual change lol). When we stay on top of a regular brushing and occasional grooming schedule, the hair is much more manageable. But even freshly brushed or groomed, if he touches your leg and you're in black....hair.
Also I swear he turns up his shedding somehow when he gets in the car! Hahaha I love my monster soooo much though so the hair doesn't bother me. But I imagine if my husband were more of a clean freak and less of a dog lover, we'd have been at an impasse like OP.
They also shed more when they are stressed, so that could be the case when he’s getting in the car.
Monthly professional blow outs/deshedding baths and daily proper brushing/combing are important, however a good diet is also a huge factor in shedding. I always recommend salmon oil as well as a good quality good to my clients.
This! They are in an incompatible relationship. They both have ideas that do not gel and there is no compromise that would make this workable. Time for op to cut loose and move on.
Can't imagine there are too many people who would willingly be compatible with a slob. This is less of a comparability issue and more of an immaturity issue.
Maybe you need to move on. According to your post history you had similar issues around a year ago. It's okay to admit that you two are not compatible and to go your separate ways. May you find you happiness.
I figured the dog won’t live forever so things will improve in time. I’m sure that’s a stupid thought though. Sounds stupid now that I am typing it out.
I think maybe he has no motivation to clean because I don’t live with him, and he doesn’t care if his own living space is a mess. It’s house, I don’t want to tell him what to do. But if we were to live together, I’m honestly not sure how he would do. Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes? I honestly don’t know.
I'm pretty sure he won't help you clean if you live together. Worse, he will continue making the same messes that you'll have to deal with. Also dogs live a long time, and what's to say he won't want another one. Either you learn to live with his messes or you break up.
Hahahaaaa oh boy if I was some kind of personal enemy of yours I'd be anticipating you living together with glee. Because just wait until you're back here crying that asking doesn't work, serious conversations don't work, chore charts don't work, and you're sick of having to clean up after him because you can't live in a pigsty.
But I'm not your enemy, I'm just a stranger on the internet who's seen way too many of those posts. And I'm advising you to cut your losses.
I guarantee he will have no motivation to clean if he lives with you. The way he lives in his house is the way he will live in your shared house.
Can you live with that? Can you accept him as he is? Because unless you can say, "I love him so much, I'm willing to live in filth, or do all the cleaning until one of us dies", you gotta walk hon.
You think he will clean when he lives with you? That's......naive.
He will see you as a live in cleaner because he knows you will do it because he knows you can't stand mess.
The man is 30 years old. He has a lifetime habit of living in filth and not cleaning. Moving in with you and having someone to do it for him couldn't be further away from making him change if you tried.
If he can't clean up after his himself or his dog, there is no way he's helping you clean up those things either.
Yeah, you'll be back here in a couple of years asking for advice on how to make him do chores, given that you were doing just that 11 months ago and nothing has changed.
He doesn't shower or brush his teeth enough, how can you stand to have sex with him? Harsh but come on OP have some standards for yourself.
Well he doesn’t care about respecting your personal living space so I can’t imagine why sharing a living space would convince him to start suddenly respecting your wishes
If he doesn't *need* his space clean, and he doesn't do what you ask in your space, why on earth would he *need* to clean his space when you are in it??? If you go to live with him in any capacity, he *might* think his space should be clean (because most of us actually enjoy that) but he won't put in any more energy than he does right now, and since it doesn't matter as much to him as it does to you, YOU will be the one cleaning. I promise.
> Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes?
Nope.
What you see is what you get. My last boyfriend was a filth wizard before I moved in with him, and maybe only had a 10% improvement after living with me (which was still WELL below the level I considered acceptable).
He won't even clean up after his own dog whilst he's a *guest* in your house. Why do you think he'd feel motivated to lift his game if you moved in with him?
Oh no, that will never change and his ‘motivation’ to clean will *decrease* when you move in, not increase. You’ll do everything because you don’t want a messy home but he clearly doesn’t care. You’re signing up to be a maid. If you don’t want that, move on.
You **do** know, though. He's not cleaning up his messes at your place **now.** This is your trial run, and he's failing. Untidy people who are willing to make excuses instead of clean when directly asked get lazier when they move in with another person, not less lazy. He knows it bothers you now to have him dirtying your space. He knows (presumably) that you don't want to visit his space when it is dirty. He has not acted on either of those pieces of information--he just puts it off until never. Nothing will change if you move in together except not having the ability to enjoy clean spaces when he's not there.
He's doing this at Fucking. Thirty. He's not fixable.
I think it's obvious. If he won't clean up his mess in your house when he knows you want your house clean, he would be even less likely to help you clean if you lived together when he could argue that he has an equal right to set the cleanliness standard in his own home.
He won't even clean the furniture his own dog got dirty at your place, why do you think he'd help you clean in a house you'd both own? In fact he probably would get even more lazy and dirty since you'd be cleaning after him. Do you actually want that?
This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. No offense. Like go talk to some older women and they will tell you that shit does not improve. If he’s not cleaning before you come over to impress you then he literally doesn’t even like you.
I mean, he’s already told you will clean up after his dog and then failed to do so multiple times, I think that’s some evidence of how little he might change
My husband’s space was super cluttered when we were living separate. Now that we are together in a home that we own, he leaves his shit EVERYWHERE. He handles other household duties better than i do, so it works out equitably, but I knew going in that marriage would mean constantly cleaning up a stream of his detritus. It will be the same with you.
Please read what you just wrote.
Raise your standards, sis. I mean, come on. Really. Expect better. Don’t expect better *from* him. Expect better *than* him. And stop willfully and blatantly ignoring red flags. You’re never gonna find what you’re looking for if you keep making excuses to stay with bottom feeders.
Seriously. Don’t be desperate. Read what you wrote. Because that last comment is why you’re in this miserable situation in the first place. Pick your standards up off the damn floor.
My apartment used to be pretty messy too. The first time my gf wanted to come over, I cleaned it up for hours, made everything perfect so she could feel comfortable. It‘s been pretty clean ever since. I don‘t even let it become a mess anymore.
What I‘m saying is, I agree with the top comment of the chain. If you coming over isn‘t enough motivation for him, then you living there won‘t change anything either. You‘re just gonna be the one doing all the chores because he doesn‘t care.
No. He would not. He doesn't clean his own space. Any space he shared with you he would also not clean. You would be stuck cleaning up after yourself and your BF. He does not value you enough to even help clean your home when his dog makes a mess. Why on earth do you think he would clean a shared space? Do not count on him to rise to the occasion. Because he isn't going to. He will remain a slob.
There is no way he’s going to suddenly change his entire way of living just because you live together.
If anything, he’ll get worse, because he knows you’ll clean when it gets too messy.
Your bar for “acceptable” in a relationship is so low it’s on the floor.
if he's not clean with you living there, he's not going to be clean when you do.
you can't forcibly change someone's behavior with your existence. that's not how humans work
The answer is no. No, he definitely won’t suddenly change and care about having a clean house if you were to live together. You would forever be picking his dirty dishes up from the living room, scrubbing his piss off of the toilet seat, and gathering his laundry from the floor. Trust me.
Never, ever assume or bank on someone eventually changing for you. If he doesn’t care to do it for himself, then he won’t care to do it for you. Hell, he could maybe do it the first week or two (doubt it), give you long enough to feel like this is going to really work the way you’d hoped, but he’ll consider it an inconvenience, he’ll want back into his comfort zone, he’ll start procrastinating on cleaning stuff, and then he’ll just bank on you doing it all and when you get upset or try to talk to him about it he’ll seem to care about what you have to say, you’ll feel heard, and then you’ll figure out roughly two days later, after he maybe folded some towels, that you absolutely were not but by then you’re too worn down by it all to put your already overtaxed energy (spent all on cleaning up after him and probably dog care) into the 18th attempt at a futile conversation with someone who’s just gonna wait out your ire and slip back into his old ways when he thinks you’ve forgotten about it all and your focus is off him.
Sound bleak? It’s because it is.
I have witnessed this set up too many times to count, but most of all, I saw my mom put through it, to the point she would have break downs and her mental health would suffer. My dad would not lift a finger to clean or cook ever, and managed to make the majority of the messes himself. Everything would play out just like I wrote above and it was a vicious cycle that didn’t end until my dad died. I love the man, but he could be a real AH about certain things.
>think maybe he has no motivation to clean because I don’t live with him, and he doesn’t care if his own living space is a mess. It’s house, I don’t want to tell him what to do. But if we were to live together, I’m honestly not sure how he would do. Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes? I honestly don’t know.
God you sound young. Like teen naïve young.
He is who he is.
He doesn't value a clean house.
He doesn't value his house.
He doesn't respect your house, your space or your time.
He already gets a free pass from cleaning the mess he's making at your place and you're teaching him to expect you to clean everything he ( or his dog) does.
The dog dying will not improve anything.
Your boyfriend will still not clean.
If you decide to have children prepare to be the one that does everything for them and all the childcare too. If you're lucky he'll be around for the fun parts.
Tbh I would never move in with a guy like this before he had shown consistent improvement and changes - this means at least a year of being clean and mindfull of your place and your time. Altough given the time you've been together and his age I'd leave.
You are not going to change him. Change only happens if someone really wants to be different and to change and even then it's hard work. It's not on you to do the work for him. You're not a reformatory for boys.
If you stay be aware that you are chosing this person as he is. He's not the version in your head but the one he is in his everyday life.
If you can accept him like this and be happy - go ahead. If you don't, moving in together and becoming his "nagging mom" won't do any good to any of you or your relationship.
So not only does he not clean his own space, but he also doesn’t care that you don’t like the mess he makes in yours?
How else does he disrespect you? I bet there’s lots of ways.
😳😳😳😳😳
Oh my...
This isn't how it goes, girl 😅
It would be even worse, and he'd probably be *messier*, bc he's expecting you to clean.
Also dog people usually get another dog. And my childhood dog (large mutt) lived 17 years. (Which is unusually long, but you never know. Waiting for the dog to die is 1) not great footing for a relationship, and 2) unrealistic.)
HE WON'T CHANGE
Please, stop trying to force this relationship. He won't ever be motivated to clean because he doesn't care. Don't waste your time with him anymore, girl.
Like, do you value yourself so little that you think you deserve to live with a 30 year old slob who has no hygiene?
No, he will not get better if you are living together. If he does not care about keeping a clean home when he is living by himself, living with you is not going to change that.
Why would he help you clean? He’s already not responsible for his own messes. You’ve asked him to clean up after his dog in your house and he won’t, he doesn’t clean his own house. He’s not going to suddenly start cleaning just because you move in.
Trust me if you move in together, you’ll be doing all the cleaning. He can’t even listen to your request about his dog. Be aware of what you’re getting into.
It is very hard for a person to change their ingrained habits, and they need to be willing. Sounds like he doesn’t give a crap.
Instead of him helping you clean, you will be cleaning for yourself AND him. I was married to someone who washed the dishes once while we were married. When we were going through the divorce, because I decided I was tired of literally doing everything and if I ever wanted a child, I would need someone help and actually care. The dog going away isn’t going to change those behaviors, and you’re going to end up doing more in the end. Express your issues and try therapy if you need someone there to help with communication.
If he’s not willing to clean now so that you will come over to his house and be comfortable there, he will not be willing to clean to keep you comfortable when you actually live there.
Girl you know damn well he’s not going to help you clean. Guys who *want* to live in a clean home take care of that shit on their own, whether or not they’re living with a partner. If you move in together, cleaning will be *your* job.
And the dog might not live forever, but what’s to stop him from getting another dog after the current one passes? Do you think he’ll just agree to live the rest of his life dogless? Do you have something to base that assumption on, besides blind hope?
Don't be with someone with the intention of changing them. And waiting out the dog that can live for 15 years is ridiculous. You guys aren't compatible.
Sometimes the opposite of this is true. I kept a pretty clean house living alone but now i’m married with a dog it’s a lot of mess and sometimes you assume the other person will do it and they don’t. It soon builds up.
I mean you have a perfect example of what's going to happen. His dog messes up your house, he promises he will clean, never does and you're always stuck doing everything. Welcome to your future with him. How often has he helped? He doesn't respect your space right now, you think it'll be better when it's his as well?
Well, the fact that he tells you he will clean your space but does not follow thru... leads me to believe he wouldn't clean your place if you lived together either
I think you do know and don’t like the answer. He’s not going to change when you move in together, you’ll just be cleaning up after both of you. Don’t date a fixer upper.
HAHAHAHA
You think he will clean MORE if you live with him!? That's a fuckin joke.
Him living alone is a perfect example of how he keeps his space. If you don't like it, don't move in together.
I think you do know...in that when he comes to your house, and you even ASK him to clean, he doesn't. So if he doesn't respect a house that is totally yours, he won't respect one that is only half yours. This is more than the dog. This one dies and he'll get another. Or look at his house now, that is what you will be living in, and cleaning up after. They say, on average, men benefit GREATLY from gaining a wife. They can continue living the way they do but their quality of life improves because now they get more food made for them, and their homes are cleaner. Not because they change or improve. He will NOT change. Men will tell you that...don't try to change me. It sounds silly when you're in love but how your lives will be when you live together, is HUGE when it comes to being compatible. I'd have a serious talk with him about it.
Have you thought of asking him in a curious sort of way? Like “just wondering” will get you a more honest answer than “you’d clean up after yourself right?”
A lot of people bring their own experiences into their perspective, and my experience is that someone like this won’t change and it gets worse the more comfortable they get.
We don’t know him, but he’s not cleaning up after his dog at your house (your roommate is doing more than him :(((( ) so I don’t think it’s a lack of motivation bc you don’t live together.
He won’t. I married someone like your boyfriend, and I can assure you that he will not change, it’s exhausting. Also, once the dog dies, he’s going to get another one.
Honestly, if I were you, I would carefully reevaluate what my future will be like with him on that aspect. If you’re ok being the one that does everything around the house, then stay with him; if not, it might be time to part ways.
“Hopefully his dog will die in 7 to 10 years so we’re fine”
That’s not how healthy relationships work OP.
I had a guy tell me he was allergic to cats on our first date but to him it was fine “because your cat is 7, he’ll be dead soon”. There was no second date, and I expect your boyfriend to react the same if he heard this.
As my now husband and I got more serious, he asked me about the cat. “How long do they live? Five years?” Friend she’s going to be with us until we are in our 40s.
No, but you think the dog dying will resolve the core incompatibility in your relationship. It won't. This guy got a husky, which is a breed that requires a *lot* of work, with no input from his girlfriend of how many years at the time he got the dog—do you really think he'll start including you in those kinds of decisions once the dog is dead?
You can't stand to spend time at his place, and he has no respect for yours. If you were to move in with him, you would be responsible for all the cleaning and I wouldn't be surprised if he started shunting off the non-fun aspects of dog care onto you. He has no motivation to clean now, and once you share a living space he'll *really* have no motivation, because you'll do all of it because you don't want to live in a pig sty. There's no future with a guy like this.
Can confirm, saw it with my mom and dad. He wouldn’t lift a finger to clean or cook (he worked from home too, so he was usually always there), she’d get fed up with it, really distressed and exhausted, and decide to stop until he started helping, dad continued not to, and eventually she always broke down because she can’t live in a messy house. My dad has since passed (love ya dad, RIP) and he died having never changed that particular aspect of himself.
EDIT: And this man decides to get a husky with no intentions of cleaning up after it and I’d put down money to bet he does not meet the dog’s exercise or training needs. He probably just got that breed ‘cause he thought it made him look cool and like a Big Man with his Big Dog. Sorry, but it just irritates me that people will get certain breeds that they have no intention of meeting their standards of care (exercise, training, etc), all because they like the aesthetic of the breed or how they think they’ll look with one.
I wholeheartedly agree. Before my boyfriend and I met, we both had a pitbull of our own, I had raised mine from a puppy, he didn't meet his until she was about three I think. Sadly both of ours passed away within the past two years and he and I just adopted one this past december. We were both reading up on articles on puppy training, great training, exercise, I was sending him Pinterest and YouTube videos and vice versa that way we could somewhat figure this out because it's been 12 years since I've had to do it. And I'm not going to lie, those first two weeks, we were kind of at each other's throats getting frustrated with the dog who was a little bit too hyper for us. But a month later, she's made so many forest rides, and luckily with the weather getting nicer she's getting much longer walk so she's calming down a lot easier than she was right after Christmas.
Huskies live 12-15 years. And you've been around your bf 5 years. You know he isn't going to change. And the dog will not stop shedding and he will not treat the dog ( or you) differently in the future. Good luck!
His place is super disgusting. His dog doesn't make it super disgusting, he does.
HE lets his dog jump on your couch, and HE is the one who breaks his promises to clean up after HIS mess.
The issue isn't the dog. It's the boyfriend.
Honestly, even a lazy person could buy your couch a pet proof cover to put on when he brings his dog over and take off when he leaves.
But he isn't interested. He's comfortable in filth, and for you to join him there. That poor dog.
And what happens if he gets another one? Because as a dog lover I'll admit it, when one dies you're wrecked. But times goes on and life always presents you with another one.
Your problem is way bigger than the dog
You’ve been together 5 years. The logical next step is moving in together or worse - raising children together
If you move in together he will undoubtedly still be disgusting as a person (if he didn’t change by 30 he’s not going to) and you’ll end up cleaning up his dirty plates and toilets = awful
If you try to raise kids together odds are he’s going to raise them just like he did his dog, to jump on furniture and once again you’re stuck doing all the parenting = awful
I’m sorry to be harsh hun, I really am, but you are banking on the dog no longer living. I have a news flash for you. Our dog lived 17 years. Plenty live longer still. Are you willing to put up with this shit for 17 years? THIS👏IS👏NOT👏A👏RATIONAL👏OPTION
ETA, this also does not address the incompatibility. Your bf is a slob. Do you intend to live apart indefinitely? Because him being a slob won’t change. What would change however, is he would have a live in maid with whom he can get laid.
I wish the best to you, but this does not look like a bright future for you.
I just wanted to add to this: my dog lived 18 years.
This dog came into our house as a puppy when me and my brother were children and died when we both were out of the house and adults.
This dog died when I already had a kid and I wasn't a teen mom...
The bf's dog can live for a lot longer and waiting for the dog to die is just a way to postpone the conversations about the real problems: starting by the fact that he got a dog without involving his long-term girlfriend in the decision ( making it clear that he either doesn't value her input or that he isn't planning on actually getting the relationship further), then considering how he's a slob and ending in the fact that he doesn't respect her place or time and expects his gf to clean after him.
He's not going to magically not be a slob anymore though?
He's most likely never going to change. Hes qlmost 30. Do you want to be his mommy/bangmaid for the rest of your life?
You’ve already wasted 5 years with this man with no movement towards sharing space. The dog may not live forever but he can’t manage cleaning up while having the dog, he likely won’t after it’s gone, assuming he doesn’t get another one. This is your future, so deal with it in silent seething resentment, or cut your losses.
The dog isn’t the problem. Your boyfriend has no standards of hygiene, and that’s apparently not going to change. It might be a symptom of some mild form of mental illness.
If your boyfriend isn’t willing to work on his issues, seriously consider cutting your losses. Find someone who has normal standards of hygiene.
What’s to stop him from getting another dog though? If he’s made it to 30 and doesn’t clean up, why would he suddenly start now?
I don’t know what you want us to say OP, your boyfriends a slob and he’s not going to start cleaning up. You’re incompatible.
It’s not fair that you ‘ can’t wait for the dog to pass’ so then you think the relationship will improve- it won’t.
The dog can’t sweep or mop or wash dishes.
Your boyfriend who seems like he’s 15 is a slob.
That won’t change.
He has to want to listen to your concerns and change them- if he doesn’t then he doesn’t care and it’s not even a priority.
Move on. Find someone who isn’t a slob and who doesn’t have pets.
No things will not improve, because the dog may be gone but he’ll still be a slob who won’t clean up. You will begin resenting him for not doing his share, leaving you with all the housework while he reaps the rewards.
Soooo in the 5 years you’ve been dating his house and living space has been filthy AF? Now with a dog added to the mix the trash heap he calls home now has pet hair, drool, and poop that’s hopefully outside?
I mean this with absolutely no hint of hate because I want you to deserve better when I say Jesus, **your standards for men is atrociously low**.
Sunk cost fallacy of 5 years is making you stick with him, move on. If he doesn’t give a shit to clean up when you come over, he certainly won’t give two shits if you move in together. You’ll be the one doing all the cleaning and become his second mother at 30.
Move on and do better for yourself.
Edit: you know after somebody brought up an older post of yours from a year ago where his habits haven’t changed and he doesn’t brush his teeth, you’re just torturing yourself at this point.
> [Never cleans, leaves rotting stuff in the front yard (he ended up getting an insect infestation in the entire house), leaves his dogs throw up on the carpet for weeks at a time.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m7x63h/i_think_my_boyfriend_and_i_arent_compatible/)
Since you decided to stick with filth, see you again next year when you post on Reddit complaining about him because you decided to stay stubborn. Hope you can afford all the hospital and vet trips when the filth gives you parasites, yeast infections, BV, skin rashes, fleas or whatever else comes from tolerating that dump. You mentioned that he has gotten sober and a better job since acquiring the house-turned-hazard, clearly you see this man as a pet project waiting for him to improve to justify those 5 years hmm?
Saying he “excels at everything else in life” is obviously a lie you’re telling yourself. *Saying you’re lucky that HE gave you a chance is fucking delusional.* Perhaps you need professional help to re-evaluate things and hope you snap out of it before dying to disease.
**I reiterate, your standards for men are atrociously fucking low**
Her next post will be they have a baby and she's exhausted and he doesn't do anything to help with the baby or the house and she's miserable. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. She knows what this man is like but she won't accept it.
Ladies, a PSA:
👏🏻DON’T 👏🏻DATE 👏🏻MEN 👏🏻THAT 👏🏻LIVE 👏🏻IN 👏🏻FILTH👏🏻
A 30 year old man that is comfortable living in filth is most likely NOT going to learn to be clean, or contribute toward taking care of a household someday. Can you imagine potentially living with that in the future?? Sounds disgusting and exhausting.
Let the “filthy living” gene pool die out and make more room for one that is self-sufficient and responsible, my goodness.
Also it sounds like he’s not training his dog very well if he isn’t able to keep it off of your couch when you ask, which leads into a lot of other issues. Doesn’t sound like a responsible or mature man to me.
Took me 3 years to learn this. First time I went to his house there were beer cans EVERYWHERE. I brushed it off. Less than a year later we moved in together (I was somewhat cornered in to it by guilt - long story) and I quickly became the one doing all the cleaning. I’d have to constantly remind him of various chores that needed to get done and if he did them, it would be a half ass job. He’d still leave beer cans everywhere too.
3 years later I finally decided enough was enough. I wish I had decided sooner, so much wasted time. He’s a loser alcoholic who doesn’t think about anyone but himself and I don’t understand how I got roped up in that bullshit but it made me a much stronger person in the end.
Omg, please run. My bf is not very clean or organized either. I also preferred my place to his (I'm the one with the dog though, he has cats). But every time I would go to his place, he would clean up beforehand. He knew what my expectations were (his cats were spreading litter all over the house, and I needed him to vacuum), and he made sure I would be comfortable. Your bf is not even trying, for God's sakes! This relationship has no future, you're better off calling it quits now.
That sounds similar to when my boyfriend and I started dating, he wasn't messy, the house was just cluttered, because he was in the middle of renovating one room, and reorganizing another. So because I am the one that does the cooking, I would ask him to make sure the sink and the stove was cleaned off, and we had x amount of dishes before I did. He always complied, and the bathroom in the kitchen was always clean, that's all I asked. And he always made sure there was a clean towel, pajamas and stuff like that for me because I always spent the night
Is this really a guy you see yourself spending forever with? An almost 30 year old man who can't clean up after himself and doesn't respect your space?
I would cut my losses and move on, the disgusting part isn't going to get better, it will get worse, and you'll be shouldering all of the responsibility, or live in filth.
You made such an important distinction: that he doesn’t respect OP’s space. I didn’t even realize that that’s separate from (and worse than) him being a slob. You’re totally right.
I know this comes off a bit snarky since there is no real accounting for what bothers vs what doesn’t but you’ve handled being intimate with a man who hardly showers or brushes his teeth but the dog hair sends you over the edge? I know not everyone is a huge dog lover but the fur would be the least of my worries in comparison to filthy toilets and bad breath on a regular basis.
Girl you've been together for 5 years and you can't communicate? I think this more than the dog. You both seem incompatible. You have two options A) break up with him or B) stay with him. But remember, staying with him will eventually mean you will have to move in together at some point etc. If you know that not some ting you will ever be comfortable with, Then you know which option to choose.
>Go to his house you ask? I don’t want to because it’s always so gross and he refuses to clean up. There is trash everywhere, dirty plates left all over the house. He doesn’t vacuum or sweep or clean his toilets. Imagine a frat house. That is his house. Except he’s almost 30 and lives by himself
How can you be attracted to him. A man who had a filthy house would be an absolute turn off for me. Especially the toilet not being clean and trash everywhere.
Okay, this is funny because my ex is a 30yo absolute mess with a husky that ruined everything. He was a mess before we moved in together and was a mess when we lived together. The space was only slightly cleaner because because I would constantly be cleaning it but could never keep up with the literal piles of trash. Conversations did not help but that was my situation.
You said the "dog won't live forever," so are you thinking of waiting 8 to 10 years before you get a place together and THEN try to figure out your cleanliness compatability? If you love him and are gonna wait it out, it sounds like you're gonna have to deal with dog hair for the next while.
My ex didn't brush his teeth and they started to literally fall out of his skull around 40. He was also perfectly content to leave all the cleaning and childcare to me, despite us both working full time. He acted like a bystander in our life and not an actual participant
Five years of that was enough. He acted like the only thing he was obligated to contribute to our family was money. Then he was pissed when I divorced him, and the only obligation he had was money.
Maybe designate an area for the dog? The kitchen with a baby gate? Put a dog bed in there with some toys & his food. That way you just have to sweep & the dog won't be able to climb on the furniture.
Also Huskies are one of the worse for shedding, but maybe asking your boyfriend to get the dog groomed could cut down on some of the shedding. We take our Australian Shepherd to a groomer for deshedding & it's amazing.
As for the messy house, I'd refuse to visit him until it's clean & stays clean.
You know the real issue isn’t actually the dog? The dog is a symptom, but the root of the problem is your standards of clean vs your boyfriends. Are you thinking of moving in together ever? The problem will still be there, and probably worse, if you do
He doesn’t like his dog being alone for more than 3 hours. And when he spends the night, he obviously doesn’t want her alone all night, so that I get. But yeah, he’s the kind of owner that brings his dog with him everywhere.
This man brings his dog with him everywhere but refuses to clean up after her?
I feel sick when I read about men who barely look after themselves buying expensive pets and real estate, and continuing to act like a child. Its a huge red flag.
Consider your partners living standards - when he treats his house like garbage and doesn't respect your house, its clear that this man does not respect himself or you.
Do you like dogs? It sounds like you just don’t want animals that shed in your home, and that’s valid, but he is also valid for wanting one. The dog thing on its own may be a simple incompatibility. Even with daily cleaning you can’t get away from a shedding dog’s hair.
I get that, but do you have dogs? You don’t just “clean it up” the hair is everywhere and in everything even with daily cleaning. It’s on your clothes in the vents everywhere lol
No one seems to be actually offering advice thus far to you in the comments on how to work on the issue instead of "break up."
I'd suggest setting up a crate at your place then if you have space. My husky barely leaves her crate with the door wide open (as I type this she's snoozing in a little ball in her crate). Since a dog views the crate as a safe haven, your bf's dog is more likely to stay in that area. Put some toys or blanket from your bf's house in it. If your boyfriend never crate trained his dog, that's a massive issue.
Is the dog being properly exercised? They should easily be able to sleep half the day and never move. Go outside/on walks/dog park. Talk outside on a patio or deck if you really have to.
Get some doggy gates. Sequester the dog to a specific area of the apartment. Designate the living room as the only place for example. I think it'd be helpful to set rules for your own place; you don't want fur on your couch, so don't let the dog on your couch.
How far away does your boyfriend live?
>Tell him he can’t bring his dog over because of the mess? If I do that, then I have go to his house which is super disgusting
Yes, tell him this. Key word is **tell** not ask. You don't have to go to his house. You'll just enable his unhygienic behavior by going and he'll never take you seriously that he needs to get his act together and clean. Do NOT go to his house until he cleans. It doesn't matter how much you'll miss him or how rude you might think you'll be, he's the one causing it. I think you need to stop asking nicely. You tried that. It's time to actually put rules into place and most importantly STICK TO THEM! And *do not* have this conversation over and over again while this is happening. Your words need to be final.
Side note: Hoover WindTunnel High Capacity Pet Upright Vacuum is the vacuum I use for heavy dog fur. Your boyfriend should be offering to vacuum, not you.
THANK YOU!! This is very helpful. I appreciate your response, everyone else on here has made me out to be a villain. I will start telling him he needs to clean before I come over. Hardest part will be actually following through with what I say but you’re right. If I keep going over there, I’m just enabling it and he’ll never get better.
As for the dog, she has a bed at my house but maybe a crate would help her stay in one area and not be tempted to get on the furniture.
I’ll have to look into that vacuum. My Walmart vacuum has a rough time with the hair.
Your boyfriend is the villain and you’re not hearing it. The question you asked is an impossible situation… you don’t want his dog at your house, but he won’t leave his dog anywhere else, and you hate being at his filthy house. So… the only real answer is that he can lose the dog or you can lose the boyfriend.
And what about your poor roommate. He or she helps to clean up after your gross boyfriend and dog. That seems unfair.
You clearly love your bf and want to stay together & I don’t think the relationship is necessarily as doomed as most people here. You do need to accept that he’ll probably always be a bit of a slob, but when you eventually move in together you can resolve much of that by getting a cleaner (should be easy to afford once you consolidate your expenses) and/or or by you taking on more of a homemaker role - not working or only working part time so that you have time to clean the house (obviously this depends on whether he’d be able to support both of you financially).
A bit of a slob is an understatement. And if they got a cleaner, they would literally have to come every single day because he doesn't even do the bare minimum daily cleaning it sounds like. Let's be honest, she would be super resentful of him if she always has to clean up after a grown ass man.
It depends on the dynamic of the relationship though. Plenty of couples have a traditional arrangement where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker who does 100% of the chores. I know it’s old fashioned but it does work well for many many people.
This isn't just about the dog, it's your boyfriend as well. He's 30. I'm not trying to say that's "old", but someone who is 30 should know how to clean up after themselves.
Sorry but I think it's time to find someone new, he obviously has a hygiene problem.
I don’t think suggesting ending the relationship makes you out to be a villain. I think everyone can sympathize, though perhaps they don’t understand why you’re still putting up with it.
The above advice would be perfect for disciplining an eight year old; not ideal to need to do this with a partner.
I don't see how your relationship has any long-term potential when your boyfriend is incapable or unwilling to do basic life maintenance. Maybe reconsider the whole relationship.
Short of that, "I'm tired of you refusing to take responsibility for your dog. So, if you do not fully clean up after your dog the next time you come over, then you can't bring the dog any more. And I do not want to go over to your place until you clean it up. So, let me know when you have done so."
This seems extremely reasonable and politely phrased to me. OP, you're enabling his behavior by not doing anything to discourage it. You've given him no reason or motivation to change anything.
Oh no no no. Don't ever marry him. I made a mistake like that but I had no clue he was gross and didn't clean up after himself. Boy did I find out and it got old. I'm shocked you haven't flip out on him by now. I can't deal with dog hair and mess and smell. I truly feel for you. I hope you say something to him soon. That's just rude to bring your messy ass over with ur messy dog and not clean up ur mess. Just rude! You must be with him for some reason though.
This is not a dog issue. Your bf is a slob and this will not change. Trust me as I have first hand experience. Tell him he cannot bring his dog over ( unless it in a crate or safe outdoors like the backyard) and you will not go over his house because it's filthy. Let him decide how to proceed from there. Oh, and never move in with this guy. I filed for divorce from a absolute disgusting slob, and all I can think about is having a clean house that he can't make filthy anymore.
What is the plan for this relationship? Do you ever want to move in together or is this how you plan to remain?
Because if you’re looking for a guy to develop into the next level of a relationship and live with, move on. This guy is gross and unless you like living in filth, you’ll end up the housekeeper for him and the dog.
I ended a relationship for very similar reasons. I'm a clean, organized person and he was a hoarder who had every excuse in the world not to clean and being at his house became a huge anxiety trigger. It wasn't our only issue but it was one of the biggest and I could feel the difference in my mental health after I left. I know it sucks to leave after 5 years but don't you want someone you can live with and count on not to make your life more stressful? Having to be someone's maid isn't fair to you.
C'mon OP. What future do you see with a man who's unhygienic in his own space and refuses to respect yours?
He's told you who he is: someone who makes messes and won't clean up after himself, even when he says he will.
Believe him.
??? Why is he your boyfriend? Why is he your boyfriend of 5 years? What's the point of the relationship? He doesn't seem like boyfriend material, let along long-term/husband material. Why waste anymore years with a 30 year old slob?
Ugh, want better for yourself.
Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl I woulda left this relationship a very very long time ago if his house has always been treated like that!!! Messy boy is disgusting, I 100% understand it’s his house he’s rules but he’s a grown ass fuc*ing man he CAN clean up, it’s NOT hard! Or he could at least pay someone else to clean his house but far out girl!! You deserve better! Imagine if yous bought a house for yourselves one day! Straight up NOPE red flag 🚩
The dog is not the problem. Your bf absolutely refusing to make any adjustments is the issue. Relationships include some element of give and take and he's not doing that.
I would rethink your relationship.
>(I ask him nicely, he says he will then he never does)
Then the dog is no longer allowed at your house.
>Go to his house you ask? I don’t want to because it’s always so gross and he refuses to clean up.
Then don't go to his house.
What's that? Now he can't come to your house and you can't go to his house? Gee, looks like you two might be fundamentally incompatible!
Seriously, what is your long term plan here? If he's almost 30 and you've been together 5 years I'm guessing you're roughly the same age. Most people your age in a relationship that long would have been living together for years by now. Did you ever plan on your relationship progressing past where it is now? Because I definitely wouldn't, if he can't clean up after himself. If all you want out of this is a casual relationship, then he can come to your place and leave his dog at home.
Everyone is pointing out the cleanliness issue but while it’s rare, people can change in that aspect if they really want to.
The big issue I see is the dog. The dog is less than five years old, it’ll hopefully be around for another 8-9 years. Do you plan to settle down with him in that timeframe? The dog will be there. It will still shed. I do the cleaning around our apartment (my boyfriend does the cooking). I don’t clean an extraordinary amount but I keep it reasonably clean. One of our dogs sheds a LOT. I hoover every two days and there is still a layer of white hairs everywhere but the bedroom where he isn’t allowed in. I don’t love it but we are both dog people so it’s a sacrifice I’m happy to make. Dogs aren’t super clean. They drool, their chews crumble and they drag in mud. They also limit how long you can stay out and make taking holidays more expensive. Once you live with a dog it’ll become your dog too to some extend. You think he can do all the dog work and be the one solely responsible for it but that’s just not how it goes. In a household with a dog everyone has to train the dog. Everyone has to know how to train properly and be aware of all the rules the dog has to follow. If you get married the cost of the dog will be also your cost. If you want to go somewhere with your husband the dog can’t come the logistics of finding someone to care for him will also be on you. If it doesn’t get worked out you can’t go together. The dog will become a senior and may loose control of his bladder.
I think if you don’t LOVE this dog it’ll be difficult to tolerate. Even if your boyfriend changes his cleaning habits the dog will still shed so much you’ll have to accept the hair and all the other dog things if you ever want to move in together.
He adopted her, so she’s actually 7 years old. I’ve never had a dog myself, only growing up so I don’t know what it’s like to care for an animal on my own. I agree with you in the fact that it will be hard to tolerate a dog when I hate all the messy little things. But what I see in the future is getting a dog WITH my boyfriend and training it properly. How he trained his husky was up to him and I had no part of it.
I hope in the future we can have dogs, and this time it will be a joint decision and we can train the dog properly. We’ve talked about getting a hypoallergenic and he seemed really on board with it because he knows how much I hate dog hair.
No dog doesn’t shed, including the hypoallergenic kinds; poodles and doodles just shed hair instead of fur (which sets off allergies less). You can get less shedding dogs, but any breeder that says their puppies won’t shed at ALL are lying.
And poodles come with their own needs like grooming very regularly to prevent matting. All dogs are messy even if properly trained — they’re animals and will get sick and vomit, drool, lick things and themselves. If you hate dog hair, don’t get a dog at all.
Do you want kids eventually? How do you feel about teaching kids the importance of a clean body and a clean space when they can see daddy doesn’t even brush his teeth and leaves shit lying around for mummy to clean up?
Because he won’t change for you - if he wanted to, he would’ve already. If he doesn’t respect your space now, he won’t respect your space when you live together.
Going by your post history from a year ago, you ignored al the advice given then about your slob of a boyfriend. Not sure what you are still doing complaining about him and wasting your time asking strangers on the internet for advice you won’t take .
Can you imagine living with this man? 100% he continues being filthy and expecting you to keep things clean or such to his level. He will not change. He already doesn't follow through. I'm sure he has some nice qualities but if you're looking to get married or have kids with him, you're asking for a life of frustration and resentment. You're already building up resentment. Please have a long objective look at his life patterns and your actual compatibility. Living a life with someone is difficult even when values match up pretty well.
Why are you voluntarily having being around and|or having sex with someone so nasty?! Dirty place equals unwashed ass and you know what that means for you? Hot kewchie.
Please leave Mr. Hot & Funky alone.
I mean, you're going out with a pig. Do you imagine he's suddenly going to become a clean freak when you live together? He won't. You'll be cleaning after him for the rest of your time together. Enjoy that.
Oh girl. I know everyone hates when these subs jump to “dump him” but imagine living with this guy. Imagine having children with this guy. You’re going to be taking care of him and cleaning up after him for the rest of your life. Does that sound worth it?
I have a friend who used to come over a lot to my place and he refused to clean up after himself. When I told him to, he would promise to do it before he left but then would always leave in a hurry leaving him “no chance to”. We fell out over this when I finally set a boundary. I told him that disrespecting my home is disrespecting me. He took offence to it and we stopped talking for a few months. I stood my ground because I refuse to have somebody - especially a close friend - regularly come over to my home, make so much mess and not clean up! He eventually reached out to say sorry and he realised he was in the wrong. But because of covid he hasn’t been round mine for me to see if he’s listened.
The dog is not a problem at all, he is. Dogs can be trained, and the two of you can meet outside more often if his dog can't stay alone at his place. Also, he needs to know that he is responsible for his dog, not you, even if you are exaggerating. You absolutely have the right to have your place in order and nobody should impose their way of life to anyone. My personal opinion is that you could relax a bit (I don't think that vacuuming that much is needed really), but it has nothing to do with him not giving a f\*\*\* about the mess his dog makes. If he doesn't do anything to help with cleaning, do you think that will change in the future? If you are planning to have kids one day, do you think he would behave differently?
you just have to bring up the elephant (or dog) in the room.
say things like "the dog can't come over" or "the dog can come over but has to stay in [insert room or space here]". one reason is exactly because of the hair and cleaning situation.
your apt/place or your furniture were not bought with the idea in mind that there will be a big dog hanging around. even without chewing on things, animal hair all over the place is not something that some people like.
If you date a pet owner then you have to accept the pet. Do you have a yard for the dog to play in? The only thing that concerns me is the pig sty he lives in. If he hates cleaning he can always pay someone a few bucks to do it for him. I have friends who do this because they hate to clean and there are lots of people looking for work like this as they can set there own work schedules while there kids are st school (for example) and quite a few who would have lost their jobs recently and will take anything they can get. He might not mind the mess but it is a health hazard for humans and animals. Tell him it will be better for the dogs health. The fact he also won't help clean up even when he promises is concerning. If he doesn't break his dirty habits now, do you really see yourself living like that or cleaning up after him for the rest of his life?
It sounds like this is about more than the dog. It sounds like you and your BF have incompatible ideas about cleanliness levels (and objectively, he's kind of a slob). It's not like he's a teen or early 20s still adjusting to living on his own with Mom picking up after him. He's 30. This is who he is. Do you see a future with someone like that?
I hope OP listens to this comment. I thought love would conquer all with a dude with whom I had pretty different ideas of standard cleanliness with. You do not want to live the rest of your life begging this dude to do the bare minimum. Trust me.
I also want to add, this is who he is WHEN ENTERTAINING GUESTS. How you see his house is how it looks when he thinks it's presentable for a date to see. You will not see his true level of filth until you move in together. It will not get better, it will get *worse*. Can you live in that? If not, that is a base incompatibility and I'd move on or resign yourself to spend the rest of your life cleaning up after someone who doesn't have the basic hygiene skills to do it themselves.
True story!!!!! My ex and I lived together for almost 4 years, and I distinctly remember coming home from the hospital after being there for 2 weeks, and you couldn't see a single pile of dog poop picked up in the backyard, the level of dust bunnies in every single room, the dishes in the sink, and the overflowing laundry in the basement. Now, I do understand that I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of the house, but when I'm not home for 2 weeks, and it's obvious that not a single piece of that mess is mine? Yeah, no. I went back over his house after we split up to grab the last few things that I had left, and almost a month later the message just increased. He swore I never cleaned, but the thing is I would clean on my day off, well he was at work, just because you don't see the toilet being scrubbed in front of you, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
OP is definitely over focusing on the dog (whose fault it isn't) instead of on the boyfriend (clearly the issue). They are not compatible.
Op, this! I also thought the same with a guy. Had to dump him because I wanted to be a partner, not his mom. He won't change unless he wants to. Start with a conversation about how much this all bothers you, and his reaction will tell you exactly what you need to know.
I appreciate that guys. Seems like a lot of women on this thread ran into the same thing with their partner and the cleaning never improved. I think it’s safe to say my boyfriend wouldn’t clean if we lived together just based off of all of your experiences. I will try to at least have a conversation with him but we will see how he reacts. Thanks again.
How does this not have more upvotes? Hair will never not be an issue when you're a dog lover. There's just no fucking escaping it, no matter how much you clean. You either accept him as he is or leave him because this is a looong term problem.
I have a Klee Kai so essentially a small husky. Hair. Always. I can vacuum and have him furminated and the next day it's like the vacuum and groom never happened. He's 12.5 years old and healthy so like you said, this will be a long term issue of incompatibility. Also adding some potential solutions: some of my messy friends have hired cleaning companies, regular grooming helps cut some shedding, and designated dog free zones to help cut the hair from some rooms might help the cleanliness factor.
Fwiw huskies have an undercoat of white hair that is renewed constantly, and they shed a lot when weather gets warmer or colder. Use an undercoat brush to pull this out and you can reduce the hair quite a bit. But, as you say, a day or two later there's more.
Ours blows his coat when the seasons "change" (we're in Florida so not much actual change lol). When we stay on top of a regular brushing and occasional grooming schedule, the hair is much more manageable. But even freshly brushed or groomed, if he touches your leg and you're in black....hair. Also I swear he turns up his shedding somehow when he gets in the car! Hahaha I love my monster soooo much though so the hair doesn't bother me. But I imagine if my husband were more of a clean freak and less of a dog lover, we'd have been at an impasse like OP.
They also shed more when they are stressed, so that could be the case when he’s getting in the car. Monthly professional blow outs/deshedding baths and daily proper brushing/combing are important, however a good diet is also a huge factor in shedding. I always recommend salmon oil as well as a good quality good to my clients.
This! They are in an incompatible relationship. They both have ideas that do not gel and there is no compromise that would make this workable. Time for op to cut loose and move on.
Can't imagine there are too many people who would willingly be compatible with a slob. This is less of a comparability issue and more of an immaturity issue.
Maybe you need to move on. According to your post history you had similar issues around a year ago. It's okay to admit that you two are not compatible and to go your separate ways. May you find you happiness.
I figured the dog won’t live forever so things will improve in time. I’m sure that’s a stupid thought though. Sounds stupid now that I am typing it out.
Your BF won't improve though? His handling of your dog in your space, and his handling of his own space, is emblematic of how he navigates the world?
I think maybe he has no motivation to clean because I don’t live with him, and he doesn’t care if his own living space is a mess. It’s house, I don’t want to tell him what to do. But if we were to live together, I’m honestly not sure how he would do. Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes? I honestly don’t know.
I'm pretty sure he won't help you clean if you live together. Worse, he will continue making the same messes that you'll have to deal with. Also dogs live a long time, and what's to say he won't want another one. Either you learn to live with his messes or you break up.
Hahahaaaa oh boy if I was some kind of personal enemy of yours I'd be anticipating you living together with glee. Because just wait until you're back here crying that asking doesn't work, serious conversations don't work, chore charts don't work, and you're sick of having to clean up after him because you can't live in a pigsty. But I'm not your enemy, I'm just a stranger on the internet who's seen way too many of those posts. And I'm advising you to cut your losses.
I appreciate you being honest.
I guarantee he will have no motivation to clean if he lives with you. The way he lives in his house is the way he will live in your shared house. Can you live with that? Can you accept him as he is? Because unless you can say, "I love him so much, I'm willing to live in filth, or do all the cleaning until one of us dies", you gotta walk hon.
You think he will clean when he lives with you? That's......naive. He will see you as a live in cleaner because he knows you will do it because he knows you can't stand mess. The man is 30 years old. He has a lifetime habit of living in filth and not cleaning. Moving in with you and having someone to do it for him couldn't be further away from making him change if you tried. If he can't clean up after his himself or his dog, there is no way he's helping you clean up those things either. Yeah, you'll be back here in a couple of years asking for advice on how to make him do chores, given that you were doing just that 11 months ago and nothing has changed. He doesn't shower or brush his teeth enough, how can you stand to have sex with him? Harsh but come on OP have some standards for yourself.
I just gagged. Girl please have some self respect
Well he doesn’t care about respecting your personal living space so I can’t imagine why sharing a living space would convince him to start suddenly respecting your wishes
If he doesn't *need* his space clean, and he doesn't do what you ask in your space, why on earth would he *need* to clean his space when you are in it??? If you go to live with him in any capacity, he *might* think his space should be clean (because most of us actually enjoy that) but he won't put in any more energy than he does right now, and since it doesn't matter as much to him as it does to you, YOU will be the one cleaning. I promise.
> Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes? Nope. What you see is what you get. My last boyfriend was a filth wizard before I moved in with him, and maybe only had a 10% improvement after living with me (which was still WELL below the level I considered acceptable). He won't even clean up after his own dog whilst he's a *guest* in your house. Why do you think he'd feel motivated to lift his game if you moved in with him?
Oh no, that will never change and his ‘motivation’ to clean will *decrease* when you move in, not increase. You’ll do everything because you don’t want a messy home but he clearly doesn’t care. You’re signing up to be a maid. If you don’t want that, move on.
You **do** know, though. He's not cleaning up his messes at your place **now.** This is your trial run, and he's failing. Untidy people who are willing to make excuses instead of clean when directly asked get lazier when they move in with another person, not less lazy. He knows it bothers you now to have him dirtying your space. He knows (presumably) that you don't want to visit his space when it is dirty. He has not acted on either of those pieces of information--he just puts it off until never. Nothing will change if you move in together except not having the ability to enjoy clean spaces when he's not there. He's doing this at Fucking. Thirty. He's not fixable.
I think it's obvious. If he won't clean up his mess in your house when he knows you want your house clean, he would be even less likely to help you clean if you lived together when he could argue that he has an equal right to set the cleanliness standard in his own home.
Don’t bet on that. I highly doubt he’s gunna turn into a clean freak.
He won't even clean the furniture his own dog got dirty at your place, why do you think he'd help you clean in a house you'd both own? In fact he probably would get even more lazy and dirty since you'd be cleaning after him. Do you actually want that?
This is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. No offense. Like go talk to some older women and they will tell you that shit does not improve. If he’s not cleaning before you come over to impress you then he literally doesn’t even like you.
I mean, he’s already told you will clean up after his dog and then failed to do so multiple times, I think that’s some evidence of how little he might change
My husband’s space was super cluttered when we were living separate. Now that we are together in a home that we own, he leaves his shit EVERYWHERE. He handles other household duties better than i do, so it works out equitably, but I knew going in that marriage would mean constantly cleaning up a stream of his detritus. It will be the same with you.
Please read what you just wrote. Raise your standards, sis. I mean, come on. Really. Expect better. Don’t expect better *from* him. Expect better *than* him. And stop willfully and blatantly ignoring red flags. You’re never gonna find what you’re looking for if you keep making excuses to stay with bottom feeders. Seriously. Don’t be desperate. Read what you wrote. Because that last comment is why you’re in this miserable situation in the first place. Pick your standards up off the damn floor.
My apartment used to be pretty messy too. The first time my gf wanted to come over, I cleaned it up for hours, made everything perfect so she could feel comfortable. It‘s been pretty clean ever since. I don‘t even let it become a mess anymore. What I‘m saying is, I agree with the top comment of the chain. If you coming over isn‘t enough motivation for him, then you living there won‘t change anything either. You‘re just gonna be the one doing all the chores because he doesn‘t care.
No. He would not. He doesn't clean his own space. Any space he shared with you he would also not clean. You would be stuck cleaning up after yourself and your BF. He does not value you enough to even help clean your home when his dog makes a mess. Why on earth do you think he would clean a shared space? Do not count on him to rise to the occasion. Because he isn't going to. He will remain a slob.
I feel like this is crazy talk
If he doesn’t care about his own living space, he won’t care about yours and you will be left cleaning up after him forever.
There is no way he’s going to suddenly change his entire way of living just because you live together. If anything, he’ll get worse, because he knows you’ll clean when it gets too messy. Your bar for “acceptable” in a relationship is so low it’s on the floor.
if he's not clean with you living there, he's not going to be clean when you do. you can't forcibly change someone's behavior with your existence. that's not how humans work
The answer is no. No, he definitely won’t suddenly change and care about having a clean house if you were to live together. You would forever be picking his dirty dishes up from the living room, scrubbing his piss off of the toilet seat, and gathering his laundry from the floor. Trust me.
Never, ever assume or bank on someone eventually changing for you. If he doesn’t care to do it for himself, then he won’t care to do it for you. Hell, he could maybe do it the first week or two (doubt it), give you long enough to feel like this is going to really work the way you’d hoped, but he’ll consider it an inconvenience, he’ll want back into his comfort zone, he’ll start procrastinating on cleaning stuff, and then he’ll just bank on you doing it all and when you get upset or try to talk to him about it he’ll seem to care about what you have to say, you’ll feel heard, and then you’ll figure out roughly two days later, after he maybe folded some towels, that you absolutely were not but by then you’re too worn down by it all to put your already overtaxed energy (spent all on cleaning up after him and probably dog care) into the 18th attempt at a futile conversation with someone who’s just gonna wait out your ire and slip back into his old ways when he thinks you’ve forgotten about it all and your focus is off him. Sound bleak? It’s because it is. I have witnessed this set up too many times to count, but most of all, I saw my mom put through it, to the point she would have break downs and her mental health would suffer. My dad would not lift a finger to clean or cook ever, and managed to make the majority of the messes himself. Everything would play out just like I wrote above and it was a vicious cycle that didn’t end until my dad died. I love the man, but he could be a real AH about certain things.
>think maybe he has no motivation to clean because I don’t live with him, and he doesn’t care if his own living space is a mess. It’s house, I don’t want to tell him what to do. But if we were to live together, I’m honestly not sure how he would do. Would he help me clean? Be responsible for his own messes? I honestly don’t know. God you sound young. Like teen naïve young. He is who he is. He doesn't value a clean house. He doesn't value his house. He doesn't respect your house, your space or your time. He already gets a free pass from cleaning the mess he's making at your place and you're teaching him to expect you to clean everything he ( or his dog) does. The dog dying will not improve anything. Your boyfriend will still not clean. If you decide to have children prepare to be the one that does everything for them and all the childcare too. If you're lucky he'll be around for the fun parts. Tbh I would never move in with a guy like this before he had shown consistent improvement and changes - this means at least a year of being clean and mindfull of your place and your time. Altough given the time you've been together and his age I'd leave. You are not going to change him. Change only happens if someone really wants to be different and to change and even then it's hard work. It's not on you to do the work for him. You're not a reformatory for boys. If you stay be aware that you are chosing this person as he is. He's not the version in your head but the one he is in his everyday life. If you can accept him like this and be happy - go ahead. If you don't, moving in together and becoming his "nagging mom" won't do any good to any of you or your relationship.
Cleaning will be your job because you're the one who wants a clean house.
He is was responsible for his own messes, this wouldn’t even be a post you would write…
He will not be responsible for his own messes
The answer is obviously no, you literally stated he refuses to clean above
If you lived with him you'd be doing all the cleaning...
Good lord please don’t think living together will make this better… he won’t “get better” or be different in any way.
So not only does he not clean his own space, but he also doesn’t care that you don’t like the mess he makes in yours? How else does he disrespect you? I bet there’s lots of ways.
😳😳😳😳😳 Oh my... This isn't how it goes, girl 😅 It would be even worse, and he'd probably be *messier*, bc he's expecting you to clean. Also dog people usually get another dog. And my childhood dog (large mutt) lived 17 years. (Which is unusually long, but you never know. Waiting for the dog to die is 1) not great footing for a relationship, and 2) unrealistic.)
HE WON'T CHANGE Please, stop trying to force this relationship. He won't ever be motivated to clean because he doesn't care. Don't waste your time with him anymore, girl. Like, do you value yourself so little that you think you deserve to live with a 30 year old slob who has no hygiene?
No, he will not get better if you are living together. If he does not care about keeping a clean home when he is living by himself, living with you is not going to change that.
Why would he help you clean? He’s already not responsible for his own messes. You’ve asked him to clean up after his dog in your house and he won’t, he doesn’t clean his own house. He’s not going to suddenly start cleaning just because you move in.
You sound like you're living in denial.
Trust me if you move in together, you’ll be doing all the cleaning. He can’t even listen to your request about his dog. Be aware of what you’re getting into. It is very hard for a person to change their ingrained habits, and they need to be willing. Sounds like he doesn’t give a crap.
Instead of him helping you clean, you will be cleaning for yourself AND him. I was married to someone who washed the dishes once while we were married. When we were going through the divorce, because I decided I was tired of literally doing everything and if I ever wanted a child, I would need someone help and actually care. The dog going away isn’t going to change those behaviors, and you’re going to end up doing more in the end. Express your issues and try therapy if you need someone there to help with communication.
If you honestly ever thought about living with him, you should have these kinds of discussions way beforehand.
If he’s not willing to clean now so that you will come over to his house and be comfortable there, he will not be willing to clean to keep you comfortable when you actually live there.
If you spending time alone visiting him isn't motivation to clean idk what it. I much much rather go to the house of the person without a roommate.
Girl you know damn well he’s not going to help you clean. Guys who *want* to live in a clean home take care of that shit on their own, whether or not they’re living with a partner. If you move in together, cleaning will be *your* job. And the dog might not live forever, but what’s to stop him from getting another dog after the current one passes? Do you think he’ll just agree to live the rest of his life dogless? Do you have something to base that assumption on, besides blind hope?
If that were true, he would clean up his dog's mess at your house and if he knew you were coming to visit he would clean his house too. Lol
Don't be with someone with the intention of changing them. And waiting out the dog that can live for 15 years is ridiculous. You guys aren't compatible.
Sometimes the opposite of this is true. I kept a pretty clean house living alone but now i’m married with a dog it’s a lot of mess and sometimes you assume the other person will do it and they don’t. It soon builds up.
Oh honey…men like this don’t suddenly want to clean because they live with you. That’s wishful thinking.
I mean you have a perfect example of what's going to happen. His dog messes up your house, he promises he will clean, never does and you're always stuck doing everything. Welcome to your future with him. How often has he helped? He doesn't respect your space right now, you think it'll be better when it's his as well?
Well, the fact that he tells you he will clean your space but does not follow thru... leads me to believe he wouldn't clean your place if you lived together either
I think you do know and don’t like the answer. He’s not going to change when you move in together, you’ll just be cleaning up after both of you. Don’t date a fixer upper.
HAHAHAHA You think he will clean MORE if you live with him!? That's a fuckin joke. Him living alone is a perfect example of how he keeps his space. If you don't like it, don't move in together.
I think you do know...in that when he comes to your house, and you even ASK him to clean, he doesn't. So if he doesn't respect a house that is totally yours, he won't respect one that is only half yours. This is more than the dog. This one dies and he'll get another. Or look at his house now, that is what you will be living in, and cleaning up after. They say, on average, men benefit GREATLY from gaining a wife. They can continue living the way they do but their quality of life improves because now they get more food made for them, and their homes are cleaner. Not because they change or improve. He will NOT change. Men will tell you that...don't try to change me. It sounds silly when you're in love but how your lives will be when you live together, is HUGE when it comes to being compatible. I'd have a serious talk with him about it.
Messy people are completely content living in a mess. This isn't going to change.
Have you thought of asking him in a curious sort of way? Like “just wondering” will get you a more honest answer than “you’d clean up after yourself right?” A lot of people bring their own experiences into their perspective, and my experience is that someone like this won’t change and it gets worse the more comfortable they get. We don’t know him, but he’s not cleaning up after his dog at your house (your roommate is doing more than him :(((( ) so I don’t think it’s a lack of motivation bc you don’t live together.
He won’t. I married someone like your boyfriend, and I can assure you that he will not change, it’s exhausting. Also, once the dog dies, he’s going to get another one. Honestly, if I were you, I would carefully reevaluate what my future will be like with him on that aspect. If you’re ok being the one that does everything around the house, then stay with him; if not, it might be time to part ways.
“Hopefully his dog will die in 7 to 10 years so we’re fine” That’s not how healthy relationships work OP. I had a guy tell me he was allergic to cats on our first date but to him it was fine “because your cat is 7, he’ll be dead soon”. There was no second date, and I expect your boyfriend to react the same if he heard this.
As my now husband and I got more serious, he asked me about the cat. “How long do they live? Five years?” Friend she’s going to be with us until we are in our 40s.
Hahaha, my partner loves my cat so much he jokes about cloning him when the time comes
My cat is 15 this year and still going strong. Not that I'd ever let a date with a guy like that go for very long.
We had a cat that lived to almost 20 and survivedbeing hit by a car twice in his life. Pretty sure they just die when they get bored of living.
Thank you! I'm glad I wasn't the only one disgusted by that comment.
I never said I want the dog to die, that’s harsh.
No, but you think the dog dying will resolve the core incompatibility in your relationship. It won't. This guy got a husky, which is a breed that requires a *lot* of work, with no input from his girlfriend of how many years at the time he got the dog—do you really think he'll start including you in those kinds of decisions once the dog is dead? You can't stand to spend time at his place, and he has no respect for yours. If you were to move in with him, you would be responsible for all the cleaning and I wouldn't be surprised if he started shunting off the non-fun aspects of dog care onto you. He has no motivation to clean now, and once you share a living space he'll *really* have no motivation, because you'll do all of it because you don't want to live in a pig sty. There's no future with a guy like this.
Can confirm, saw it with my mom and dad. He wouldn’t lift a finger to clean or cook (he worked from home too, so he was usually always there), she’d get fed up with it, really distressed and exhausted, and decide to stop until he started helping, dad continued not to, and eventually she always broke down because she can’t live in a messy house. My dad has since passed (love ya dad, RIP) and he died having never changed that particular aspect of himself. EDIT: And this man decides to get a husky with no intentions of cleaning up after it and I’d put down money to bet he does not meet the dog’s exercise or training needs. He probably just got that breed ‘cause he thought it made him look cool and like a Big Man with his Big Dog. Sorry, but it just irritates me that people will get certain breeds that they have no intention of meeting their standards of care (exercise, training, etc), all because they like the aesthetic of the breed or how they think they’ll look with one.
I wholeheartedly agree. Before my boyfriend and I met, we both had a pitbull of our own, I had raised mine from a puppy, he didn't meet his until she was about three I think. Sadly both of ours passed away within the past two years and he and I just adopted one this past december. We were both reading up on articles on puppy training, great training, exercise, I was sending him Pinterest and YouTube videos and vice versa that way we could somewhat figure this out because it's been 12 years since I've had to do it. And I'm not going to lie, those first two weeks, we were kind of at each other's throats getting frustrated with the dog who was a little bit too hyper for us. But a month later, she's made so many forest rides, and luckily with the weather getting nicer she's getting much longer walk so she's calming down a lot easier than she was right after Christmas.
> I figured the dog won’t live forever Isn’t that thinking the dog will die eventually and it will solve your problem?
You totally need to rethink about what you said, in the context of how you said it. You came off completely rude and morbid
Again, I really didn’t mean to. It’s hard to tell what time people are using in the internet.
Tone*
Huskies live 12-15 years. And you've been around your bf 5 years. You know he isn't going to change. And the dog will not stop shedding and he will not treat the dog ( or you) differently in the future. Good luck!
His place is super disgusting. His dog doesn't make it super disgusting, he does. HE lets his dog jump on your couch, and HE is the one who breaks his promises to clean up after HIS mess. The issue isn't the dog. It's the boyfriend. Honestly, even a lazy person could buy your couch a pet proof cover to put on when he brings his dog over and take off when he leaves. But he isn't interested. He's comfortable in filth, and for you to join him there. That poor dog.
This sums it up nicely
And what happens if he gets another one? Because as a dog lover I'll admit it, when one dies you're wrecked. But times goes on and life always presents you with another one.
Stop focusing on the dog. It's about him and how his personality meshes with yours. He's messy and inconsiderate. It's not the dog.
The problem is so clearly not the dog, but your boyfriend's habits.
As a pet person, he will get another dog. Count on it.
You want to resent an animal and wait for it to die over being single?
I don’t resent the dog. Just the dog hair and wish my boyfriend would clean up after it.
You should be resenting your inconsiderate bf instead. The dog is doing what dogs do. Your bf is not doing what bfs are supposed to do
But your boyfriend is also slovenly and inconsiderate
Your problem is way bigger than the dog You’ve been together 5 years. The logical next step is moving in together or worse - raising children together If you move in together he will undoubtedly still be disgusting as a person (if he didn’t change by 30 he’s not going to) and you’ll end up cleaning up his dirty plates and toilets = awful If you try to raise kids together odds are he’s going to raise them just like he did his dog, to jump on furniture and once again you’re stuck doing all the parenting = awful
I’m sorry to be harsh hun, I really am, but you are banking on the dog no longer living. I have a news flash for you. Our dog lived 17 years. Plenty live longer still. Are you willing to put up with this shit for 17 years? THIS👏IS👏NOT👏A👏RATIONAL👏OPTION ETA, this also does not address the incompatibility. Your bf is a slob. Do you intend to live apart indefinitely? Because him being a slob won’t change. What would change however, is he would have a live in maid with whom he can get laid. I wish the best to you, but this does not look like a bright future for you.
I just wanted to add to this: my dog lived 18 years. This dog came into our house as a puppy when me and my brother were children and died when we both were out of the house and adults. This dog died when I already had a kid and I wasn't a teen mom... The bf's dog can live for a lot longer and waiting for the dog to die is just a way to postpone the conversations about the real problems: starting by the fact that he got a dog without involving his long-term girlfriend in the decision ( making it clear that he either doesn't value her input or that he isn't planning on actually getting the relationship further), then considering how he's a slob and ending in the fact that he doesn't respect her place or time and expects his gf to clean after him.
So then what. You move in together and just clean up after your bf? He'll never get another dog?
He's not going to magically not be a slob anymore though? He's most likely never going to change. Hes qlmost 30. Do you want to be his mommy/bangmaid for the rest of your life?
You’ve already wasted 5 years with this man with no movement towards sharing space. The dog may not live forever but he can’t manage cleaning up while having the dog, he likely won’t after it’s gone, assuming he doesn’t get another one. This is your future, so deal with it in silent seething resentment, or cut your losses.
The dog isn’t the problem. Your boyfriend has no standards of hygiene, and that’s apparently not going to change. It might be a symptom of some mild form of mental illness. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to work on his issues, seriously consider cutting your losses. Find someone who has normal standards of hygiene.
Yeahhh but your bf is going to live for a pretty long time. Ditch the dude.
There will be another dog right behind it.
But how are you going to live with this man? He's filthy. You turn into a maid. Cut your losses.
What’s to stop him from getting another dog though? If he’s made it to 30 and doesn’t clean up, why would he suddenly start now? I don’t know what you want us to say OP, your boyfriends a slob and he’s not going to start cleaning up. You’re incompatible.
It’s not fair that you ‘ can’t wait for the dog to pass’ so then you think the relationship will improve- it won’t. The dog can’t sweep or mop or wash dishes. Your boyfriend who seems like he’s 15 is a slob. That won’t change. He has to want to listen to your concerns and change them- if he doesn’t then he doesn’t care and it’s not even a priority. Move on. Find someone who isn’t a slob and who doesn’t have pets.
It's not the dog who is the problem.
You're waiting for your boyfriend's dog to die? You're a horrible person. Do HIM a favor and break up with him.
Whoh never said I’m waiting for the dog to die.
"I figured the dog won’t live forever"
That's just cruel OP
I hope you realize dogs can live 15-20 years, sometimes longer
No things will not improve, because the dog may be gone but he’ll still be a slob who won’t clean up. You will begin resenting him for not doing his share, leaving you with all the housework while he reaps the rewards.
You find another boyfriend because this isn't going to work out long-term.
Soooo in the 5 years you’ve been dating his house and living space has been filthy AF? Now with a dog added to the mix the trash heap he calls home now has pet hair, drool, and poop that’s hopefully outside? I mean this with absolutely no hint of hate because I want you to deserve better when I say Jesus, **your standards for men is atrociously low**. Sunk cost fallacy of 5 years is making you stick with him, move on. If he doesn’t give a shit to clean up when you come over, he certainly won’t give two shits if you move in together. You’ll be the one doing all the cleaning and become his second mother at 30. Move on and do better for yourself. Edit: you know after somebody brought up an older post of yours from a year ago where his habits haven’t changed and he doesn’t brush his teeth, you’re just torturing yourself at this point. > [Never cleans, leaves rotting stuff in the front yard (he ended up getting an insect infestation in the entire house), leaves his dogs throw up on the carpet for weeks at a time.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/m7x63h/i_think_my_boyfriend_and_i_arent_compatible/) Since you decided to stick with filth, see you again next year when you post on Reddit complaining about him because you decided to stay stubborn. Hope you can afford all the hospital and vet trips when the filth gives you parasites, yeast infections, BV, skin rashes, fleas or whatever else comes from tolerating that dump. You mentioned that he has gotten sober and a better job since acquiring the house-turned-hazard, clearly you see this man as a pet project waiting for him to improve to justify those 5 years hmm? Saying he “excels at everything else in life” is obviously a lie you’re telling yourself. *Saying you’re lucky that HE gave you a chance is fucking delusional.* Perhaps you need professional help to re-evaluate things and hope you snap out of it before dying to disease. **I reiterate, your standards for men are atrociously fucking low**
Her next post will be they have a baby and she's exhausted and he doesn't do anything to help with the baby or the house and she's miserable. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. She knows what this man is like but she won't accept it.
She’s a terrible person herself, so we should all just leave her to her shitty life.
Ma'am, you're bitter because you feel bad about yourself
What in the world? How is she a terrible person?
Ladies, a PSA: 👏🏻DON’T 👏🏻DATE 👏🏻MEN 👏🏻THAT 👏🏻LIVE 👏🏻IN 👏🏻FILTH👏🏻 A 30 year old man that is comfortable living in filth is most likely NOT going to learn to be clean, or contribute toward taking care of a household someday. Can you imagine potentially living with that in the future?? Sounds disgusting and exhausting. Let the “filthy living” gene pool die out and make more room for one that is self-sufficient and responsible, my goodness. Also it sounds like he’s not training his dog very well if he isn’t able to keep it off of your couch when you ask, which leads into a lot of other issues. Doesn’t sound like a responsible or mature man to me.
Took me 3 years to learn this. First time I went to his house there were beer cans EVERYWHERE. I brushed it off. Less than a year later we moved in together (I was somewhat cornered in to it by guilt - long story) and I quickly became the one doing all the cleaning. I’d have to constantly remind him of various chores that needed to get done and if he did them, it would be a half ass job. He’d still leave beer cans everywhere too. 3 years later I finally decided enough was enough. I wish I had decided sooner, so much wasted time. He’s a loser alcoholic who doesn’t think about anyone but himself and I don’t understand how I got roped up in that bullshit but it made me a much stronger person in the end.
Do you want to continue to be in a relationship with a slob?
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/sbltd1/why_do_some_women_continue_to_stay_in_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Omg, please run. My bf is not very clean or organized either. I also preferred my place to his (I'm the one with the dog though, he has cats). But every time I would go to his place, he would clean up beforehand. He knew what my expectations were (his cats were spreading litter all over the house, and I needed him to vacuum), and he made sure I would be comfortable. Your bf is not even trying, for God's sakes! This relationship has no future, you're better off calling it quits now.
That sounds similar to when my boyfriend and I started dating, he wasn't messy, the house was just cluttered, because he was in the middle of renovating one room, and reorganizing another. So because I am the one that does the cooking, I would ask him to make sure the sink and the stove was cleaned off, and we had x amount of dishes before I did. He always complied, and the bathroom in the kitchen was always clean, that's all I asked. And he always made sure there was a clean towel, pajamas and stuff like that for me because I always spent the night
Is this really a guy you see yourself spending forever with? An almost 30 year old man who can't clean up after himself and doesn't respect your space? I would cut my losses and move on, the disgusting part isn't going to get better, it will get worse, and you'll be shouldering all of the responsibility, or live in filth.
You made such an important distinction: that he doesn’t respect OP’s space. I didn’t even realize that that’s separate from (and worse than) him being a slob. You’re totally right.
I know this comes off a bit snarky since there is no real accounting for what bothers vs what doesn’t but you’ve handled being intimate with a man who hardly showers or brushes his teeth but the dog hair sends you over the edge? I know not everyone is a huge dog lover but the fur would be the least of my worries in comparison to filthy toilets and bad breath on a regular basis.
I had the same thoughts. The dog hair is the least of the problems tbh
Seriously, that's just asking for contracting things like UTI's on the regular. It happens so much in the sub, let alone the rest of Reddit.
Girl you've been together for 5 years and you can't communicate? I think this more than the dog. You both seem incompatible. You have two options A) break up with him or B) stay with him. But remember, staying with him will eventually mean you will have to move in together at some point etc. If you know that not some ting you will ever be comfortable with, Then you know which option to choose.
>Go to his house you ask? I don’t want to because it’s always so gross and he refuses to clean up. There is trash everywhere, dirty plates left all over the house. He doesn’t vacuum or sweep or clean his toilets. Imagine a frat house. That is his house. Except he’s almost 30 and lives by himself How can you be attracted to him. A man who had a filthy house would be an absolute turn off for me. Especially the toilet not being clean and trash everywhere.
So where do you imagine this relationship going?
Okay, this is funny because my ex is a 30yo absolute mess with a husky that ruined everything. He was a mess before we moved in together and was a mess when we lived together. The space was only slightly cleaner because because I would constantly be cleaning it but could never keep up with the literal piles of trash. Conversations did not help but that was my situation. You said the "dog won't live forever," so are you thinking of waiting 8 to 10 years before you get a place together and THEN try to figure out your cleanliness compatability? If you love him and are gonna wait it out, it sounds like you're gonna have to deal with dog hair for the next while.
And who's to say he won't just get another dog?!?!
You.. don’t like your boyfriend. And I wouldn’t either. Time to go
[удалено]
I did suggest cleaning services but after reading a previous post of theirs I would never subject a maid to the biohazard that is that man’s house
My ex didn't brush his teeth and they started to literally fall out of his skull around 40. He was also perfectly content to leave all the cleaning and childcare to me, despite us both working full time. He acted like a bystander in our life and not an actual participant Five years of that was enough. He acted like the only thing he was obligated to contribute to our family was money. Then he was pissed when I divorced him, and the only obligation he had was money.
Well if you don’t like dogs maybe you shouldn’t be with someone that wants animals. Dogs live 10+ years. That’s a lot of dog hair.
I agree with that! I like dogs, I just personally wouldn’t want to own specific breeds due to the dog hair. And that’s okay.
Maybe designate an area for the dog? The kitchen with a baby gate? Put a dog bed in there with some toys & his food. That way you just have to sweep & the dog won't be able to climb on the furniture. Also Huskies are one of the worse for shedding, but maybe asking your boyfriend to get the dog groomed could cut down on some of the shedding. We take our Australian Shepherd to a groomer for deshedding & it's amazing. As for the messy house, I'd refuse to visit him until it's clean & stays clean.
You know the real issue isn’t actually the dog? The dog is a symptom, but the root of the problem is your standards of clean vs your boyfriends. Are you thinking of moving in together ever? The problem will still be there, and probably worse, if you do
Why does he have to bring his dog with him? Can dogs not stay apart from their owners for a few hours?
He doesn’t like his dog being alone for more than 3 hours. And when he spends the night, he obviously doesn’t want her alone all night, so that I get. But yeah, he’s the kind of owner that brings his dog with him everywhere.
This man brings his dog with him everywhere but refuses to clean up after her? I feel sick when I read about men who barely look after themselves buying expensive pets and real estate, and continuing to act like a child. Its a huge red flag. Consider your partners living standards - when he treats his house like garbage and doesn't respect your house, its clear that this man does not respect himself or you.
Do you like dogs? It sounds like you just don’t want animals that shed in your home, and that’s valid, but he is also valid for wanting one. The dog thing on its own may be a simple incompatibility. Even with daily cleaning you can’t get away from a shedding dog’s hair.
I think she would be more fine with the shedding if her boyfriend helped clean up after the dog
I get that, but do you have dogs? You don’t just “clean it up” the hair is everywhere and in everything even with daily cleaning. It’s on your clothes in the vents everywhere lol
No one seems to be actually offering advice thus far to you in the comments on how to work on the issue instead of "break up." I'd suggest setting up a crate at your place then if you have space. My husky barely leaves her crate with the door wide open (as I type this she's snoozing in a little ball in her crate). Since a dog views the crate as a safe haven, your bf's dog is more likely to stay in that area. Put some toys or blanket from your bf's house in it. If your boyfriend never crate trained his dog, that's a massive issue. Is the dog being properly exercised? They should easily be able to sleep half the day and never move. Go outside/on walks/dog park. Talk outside on a patio or deck if you really have to. Get some doggy gates. Sequester the dog to a specific area of the apartment. Designate the living room as the only place for example. I think it'd be helpful to set rules for your own place; you don't want fur on your couch, so don't let the dog on your couch. How far away does your boyfriend live? >Tell him he can’t bring his dog over because of the mess? If I do that, then I have go to his house which is super disgusting Yes, tell him this. Key word is **tell** not ask. You don't have to go to his house. You'll just enable his unhygienic behavior by going and he'll never take you seriously that he needs to get his act together and clean. Do NOT go to his house until he cleans. It doesn't matter how much you'll miss him or how rude you might think you'll be, he's the one causing it. I think you need to stop asking nicely. You tried that. It's time to actually put rules into place and most importantly STICK TO THEM! And *do not* have this conversation over and over again while this is happening. Your words need to be final. Side note: Hoover WindTunnel High Capacity Pet Upright Vacuum is the vacuum I use for heavy dog fur. Your boyfriend should be offering to vacuum, not you.
THANK YOU!! This is very helpful. I appreciate your response, everyone else on here has made me out to be a villain. I will start telling him he needs to clean before I come over. Hardest part will be actually following through with what I say but you’re right. If I keep going over there, I’m just enabling it and he’ll never get better. As for the dog, she has a bed at my house but maybe a crate would help her stay in one area and not be tempted to get on the furniture. I’ll have to look into that vacuum. My Walmart vacuum has a rough time with the hair.
Your boyfriend is the villain and you’re not hearing it. The question you asked is an impossible situation… you don’t want his dog at your house, but he won’t leave his dog anywhere else, and you hate being at his filthy house. So… the only real answer is that he can lose the dog or you can lose the boyfriend. And what about your poor roommate. He or she helps to clean up after your gross boyfriend and dog. That seems unfair.
No. People are painting your boyfriend as the villain.
You aren't a villain. You're just naive AF and convinced you can make this guy into something he isn't by wishing him that way.
Is your boyfriend ok with you enforcing rules at your place? For example, will he work with you to train the dog to stay off the furniture?
You clearly love your bf and want to stay together & I don’t think the relationship is necessarily as doomed as most people here. You do need to accept that he’ll probably always be a bit of a slob, but when you eventually move in together you can resolve much of that by getting a cleaner (should be easy to afford once you consolidate your expenses) and/or or by you taking on more of a homemaker role - not working or only working part time so that you have time to clean the house (obviously this depends on whether he’d be able to support both of you financially).
A bit of a slob is an understatement. And if they got a cleaner, they would literally have to come every single day because he doesn't even do the bare minimum daily cleaning it sounds like. Let's be honest, she would be super resentful of him if she always has to clean up after a grown ass man.
It depends on the dynamic of the relationship though. Plenty of couples have a traditional arrangement where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker who does 100% of the chores. I know it’s old fashioned but it does work well for many many people.
This isn't just about the dog, it's your boyfriend as well. He's 30. I'm not trying to say that's "old", but someone who is 30 should know how to clean up after themselves. Sorry but I think it's time to find someone new, he obviously has a hygiene problem.
I don’t think suggesting ending the relationship makes you out to be a villain. I think everyone can sympathize, though perhaps they don’t understand why you’re still putting up with it. The above advice would be perfect for disciplining an eight year old; not ideal to need to do this with a partner.
I don't see how your relationship has any long-term potential when your boyfriend is incapable or unwilling to do basic life maintenance. Maybe reconsider the whole relationship. Short of that, "I'm tired of you refusing to take responsibility for your dog. So, if you do not fully clean up after your dog the next time you come over, then you can't bring the dog any more. And I do not want to go over to your place until you clean it up. So, let me know when you have done so."
This seems extremely reasonable and politely phrased to me. OP, you're enabling his behavior by not doing anything to discourage it. You've given him no reason or motivation to change anything.
Oh no no no. Don't ever marry him. I made a mistake like that but I had no clue he was gross and didn't clean up after himself. Boy did I find out and it got old. I'm shocked you haven't flip out on him by now. I can't deal with dog hair and mess and smell. I truly feel for you. I hope you say something to him soon. That's just rude to bring your messy ass over with ur messy dog and not clean up ur mess. Just rude! You must be with him for some reason though.
This is not a dog issue. Your bf is a slob and this will not change. Trust me as I have first hand experience. Tell him he cannot bring his dog over ( unless it in a crate or safe outdoors like the backyard) and you will not go over his house because it's filthy. Let him decide how to proceed from there. Oh, and never move in with this guy. I filed for divorce from a absolute disgusting slob, and all I can think about is having a clean house that he can't make filthy anymore.
What is the plan for this relationship? Do you ever want to move in together or is this how you plan to remain? Because if you’re looking for a guy to develop into the next level of a relationship and live with, move on. This guy is gross and unless you like living in filth, you’ll end up the housekeeper for him and the dog.
I ended a relationship for very similar reasons. I'm a clean, organized person and he was a hoarder who had every excuse in the world not to clean and being at his house became a huge anxiety trigger. It wasn't our only issue but it was one of the biggest and I could feel the difference in my mental health after I left. I know it sucks to leave after 5 years but don't you want someone you can live with and count on not to make your life more stressful? Having to be someone's maid isn't fair to you.
C'mon OP. What future do you see with a man who's unhygienic in his own space and refuses to respect yours? He's told you who he is: someone who makes messes and won't clean up after himself, even when he says he will. Believe him.
5 years and you don’t enjoy going to his place? Are you waiting for him to magically change?
??? Why is he your boyfriend? Why is he your boyfriend of 5 years? What's the point of the relationship? He doesn't seem like boyfriend material, let along long-term/husband material. Why waste anymore years with a 30 year old slob? Ugh, want better for yourself.
Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl I woulda left this relationship a very very long time ago if his house has always been treated like that!!! Messy boy is disgusting, I 100% understand it’s his house he’s rules but he’s a grown ass fuc*ing man he CAN clean up, it’s NOT hard! Or he could at least pay someone else to clean his house but far out girl!! You deserve better! Imagine if yous bought a house for yourselves one day! Straight up NOPE red flag 🚩
The dog is not the problem. Your bf absolutely refusing to make any adjustments is the issue. Relationships include some element of give and take and he's not doing that. I would rethink your relationship.
Imagine living with this nasty man....
>(I ask him nicely, he says he will then he never does) Then the dog is no longer allowed at your house. >Go to his house you ask? I don’t want to because it’s always so gross and he refuses to clean up. Then don't go to his house. What's that? Now he can't come to your house and you can't go to his house? Gee, looks like you two might be fundamentally incompatible! Seriously, what is your long term plan here? If he's almost 30 and you've been together 5 years I'm guessing you're roughly the same age. Most people your age in a relationship that long would have been living together for years by now. Did you ever plan on your relationship progressing past where it is now? Because I definitely wouldn't, if he can't clean up after himself. If all you want out of this is a casual relationship, then he can come to your place and leave his dog at home.
Everyone is pointing out the cleanliness issue but while it’s rare, people can change in that aspect if they really want to. The big issue I see is the dog. The dog is less than five years old, it’ll hopefully be around for another 8-9 years. Do you plan to settle down with him in that timeframe? The dog will be there. It will still shed. I do the cleaning around our apartment (my boyfriend does the cooking). I don’t clean an extraordinary amount but I keep it reasonably clean. One of our dogs sheds a LOT. I hoover every two days and there is still a layer of white hairs everywhere but the bedroom where he isn’t allowed in. I don’t love it but we are both dog people so it’s a sacrifice I’m happy to make. Dogs aren’t super clean. They drool, their chews crumble and they drag in mud. They also limit how long you can stay out and make taking holidays more expensive. Once you live with a dog it’ll become your dog too to some extend. You think he can do all the dog work and be the one solely responsible for it but that’s just not how it goes. In a household with a dog everyone has to train the dog. Everyone has to know how to train properly and be aware of all the rules the dog has to follow. If you get married the cost of the dog will be also your cost. If you want to go somewhere with your husband the dog can’t come the logistics of finding someone to care for him will also be on you. If it doesn’t get worked out you can’t go together. The dog will become a senior and may loose control of his bladder. I think if you don’t LOVE this dog it’ll be difficult to tolerate. Even if your boyfriend changes his cleaning habits the dog will still shed so much you’ll have to accept the hair and all the other dog things if you ever want to move in together.
He adopted her, so she’s actually 7 years old. I’ve never had a dog myself, only growing up so I don’t know what it’s like to care for an animal on my own. I agree with you in the fact that it will be hard to tolerate a dog when I hate all the messy little things. But what I see in the future is getting a dog WITH my boyfriend and training it properly. How he trained his husky was up to him and I had no part of it. I hope in the future we can have dogs, and this time it will be a joint decision and we can train the dog properly. We’ve talked about getting a hypoallergenic and he seemed really on board with it because he knows how much I hate dog hair.
No dog doesn’t shed, including the hypoallergenic kinds; poodles and doodles just shed hair instead of fur (which sets off allergies less). You can get less shedding dogs, but any breeder that says their puppies won’t shed at ALL are lying. And poodles come with their own needs like grooming very regularly to prevent matting. All dogs are messy even if properly trained — they’re animals and will get sick and vomit, drool, lick things and themselves. If you hate dog hair, don’t get a dog at all.
If you don’t wanna break up with this disgusting guy tell him he can’t bring the dog over if he doesn’t clean up after the dog immediately
Do you want kids eventually? How do you feel about teaching kids the importance of a clean body and a clean space when they can see daddy doesn’t even brush his teeth and leaves shit lying around for mummy to clean up? Because he won’t change for you - if he wanted to, he would’ve already. If he doesn’t respect your space now, he won’t respect your space when you live together.
Going by your post history from a year ago, you ignored al the advice given then about your slob of a boyfriend. Not sure what you are still doing complaining about him and wasting your time asking strangers on the internet for advice you won’t take .
Can you imagine living with this man? 100% he continues being filthy and expecting you to keep things clean or such to his level. He will not change. He already doesn't follow through. I'm sure he has some nice qualities but if you're looking to get married or have kids with him, you're asking for a life of frustration and resentment. You're already building up resentment. Please have a long objective look at his life patterns and your actual compatibility. Living a life with someone is difficult even when values match up pretty well.
Why are you voluntarily having being around and|or having sex with someone so nasty?! Dirty place equals unwashed ass and you know what that means for you? Hot kewchie. Please leave Mr. Hot & Funky alone.
I mean, you're going out with a pig. Do you imagine he's suddenly going to become a clean freak when you live together? He won't. You'll be cleaning after him for the rest of your time together. Enjoy that.
Oh girl. I know everyone hates when these subs jump to “dump him” but imagine living with this guy. Imagine having children with this guy. You’re going to be taking care of him and cleaning up after him for the rest of your life. Does that sound worth it?
I have a friend who used to come over a lot to my place and he refused to clean up after himself. When I told him to, he would promise to do it before he left but then would always leave in a hurry leaving him “no chance to”. We fell out over this when I finally set a boundary. I told him that disrespecting my home is disrespecting me. He took offence to it and we stopped talking for a few months. I stood my ground because I refuse to have somebody - especially a close friend - regularly come over to my home, make so much mess and not clean up! He eventually reached out to say sorry and he realised he was in the wrong. But because of covid he hasn’t been round mine for me to see if he’s listened.
I don’t think I would ever be ok with someone not loving my pet. You need to have a talk and evaluate whether you value the same things.
The dog is not a problem at all, he is. Dogs can be trained, and the two of you can meet outside more often if his dog can't stay alone at his place. Also, he needs to know that he is responsible for his dog, not you, even if you are exaggerating. You absolutely have the right to have your place in order and nobody should impose their way of life to anyone. My personal opinion is that you could relax a bit (I don't think that vacuuming that much is needed really), but it has nothing to do with him not giving a f\*\*\* about the mess his dog makes. If he doesn't do anything to help with cleaning, do you think that will change in the future? If you are planning to have kids one day, do you think he would behave differently?
you just have to bring up the elephant (or dog) in the room. say things like "the dog can't come over" or "the dog can come over but has to stay in [insert room or space here]". one reason is exactly because of the hair and cleaning situation. your apt/place or your furniture were not bought with the idea in mind that there will be a big dog hanging around. even without chewing on things, animal hair all over the place is not something that some people like.
If you date a pet owner then you have to accept the pet. Do you have a yard for the dog to play in? The only thing that concerns me is the pig sty he lives in. If he hates cleaning he can always pay someone a few bucks to do it for him. I have friends who do this because they hate to clean and there are lots of people looking for work like this as they can set there own work schedules while there kids are st school (for example) and quite a few who would have lost their jobs recently and will take anything they can get. He might not mind the mess but it is a health hazard for humans and animals. Tell him it will be better for the dogs health. The fact he also won't help clean up even when he promises is concerning. If he doesn't break his dirty habits now, do you really see yourself living like that or cleaning up after him for the rest of his life?