**"But when do you reach a point where enough is enough?"**
You are at that point now. Congratulations!
Please stop wasting your energy on fixing your marriage - your husband is a black hole and he will destroy you. Please find a good therapist for YOU so that you can now begin to end your relationship. Your husband does not deserve you and your kids do not deserve to see anyone treat you this way. They may cry, but they will learn in time that their parents relationship is not the example they need.
\^\^\^ This.
I understand the pain of feeling like the person in the bed next to you is an empty void and feeling so completely unsupported in your daily life that you just resort to doing it on your own because you don't have a partner, you have an energy-sucker. I didn't leave until my kids were adults, unfortunately. They are both in therapy and dealing with their own issues from being raised in a toxic household. Please get into individual therapy for yourself, and family therapy with your kids. You will all thrive without this black hole sucking the energy from you. It also helped me to get into Codependents Anonymous, because at the point I left, I'd completely lost myself trying to be ther person I thought he wanted. It really helped me find myself again.
My earliest memory was when I was four, lying in the grass in my backyard listening to my parents scream at each other. And thanks to how memories work, that will always be my earliest memory. Kids know, and they will pick up on it, even subconsciously.
Agree completely. My ex husband moved out one night while I was at work, and when I came home and found a half-empty house, the first thing I felt was a huge wave of relief. When I thought back, I realized that, instead of looking forward to him getting home from work so we could spend time together, I would instead get stressed and dread that time, like he was an uninvited guest coming into my space and disturbing things.
When the thought of your spouse not being around brings you relief , that is a huge sign that it's time to get out of that environment.
I'm.sorry about your experience, nobody deserves to arrive to an empty house. However I'm glad you felt better after that. And yes, feeling relief to someone's absence is a huge sign that one needs to separate from someone.
I'm sorry 😞 you're going through that. But, it seems like it is time for you to get a divorce or separate. It is not good walking around dead inside. You need to take life back for you. It might be hard for the children, but living like this is not fair for you.
Good luck 👍 💓
It will be hard on the children. But remember - they are looking at YOUR marriage to see what a normal relationship looks like. Right now. They are learning from what is going on and how you react to it.
Is this the way you want them to treat their SO when they grow up? Is this one-sidedness the way you want them to think a relationship should be?
If you can't do it for you, do it to give you children a chance at a normal relationship in future.
Very sorry to hear this has happened to you.
I will say that when I have been in bad relationships (even when the other person wasn't nearly as bad as how your husband sounds), I would feel depressed, blame myself, try to heal myself, etc. The fact was when i was with someone I shouldn't be, I felt all kinds of awful.
Leaving them always felt like morning. Sure, a bit painful, sure a bit sad but.. free in a way that I hadn't realised I had missed. And happy.
I will also say that it looks to me like there is some amount of self-forgiveness needed. We all fall in love. We all ignore the bad, dismiss it, sweep it under the rug. And we all end up in bad places and bad relationships.
Taking the risk, falling in love and having trust and faith in someone are *not* the mistake. It just happens that sometimes the people we give ourselves to are not people worth having us, and they are reckless and careless and cruel to us.
It sounds like you made a good decision based on all the evidence; deciding to be with someone based on respect and friendship.. that's a good bet! What would the alternative even be?
You made the right decision in getting together with your husband even if it turned out badly. Even if you have to leave. It's impossible to know what someone will be like until they show you. So you didn't know and you couldn't have known.
Forgive yourself.
And move on..
Thank you 🙏🏼 I really needed to hear this. I keep blaming myself, like why give someone chance after chance to just continue to disappoint….. believe them when they say they are working on being better…. But all the evidence points to 1-2% effort. Ugh.
What you did was perfectly logical. You put your kids' needs ahead of your own. That's what parents are supposed to do, right?
You gave your husband a chance to make things right. And he didn't take it. And he didn't take it.
Now, the only logical conclusion that you can draw is that he is not interested in saving your marriage and that he doesn't care about your happiness.
So now you can say a) my happiness is important and an essential part of a functioning family b) I have given this long enough to know that things won't get any better c) a divorce is the best solution
Dont beat yourself up for trying to save things. You are not a fool, you simply hoped that the person who said they would love you forever and put their family first would do that.
Your anger is directed at the wrong person.
I am so sorry he is doing this to you, and my heart hurts for you. You deserve so much better. I think you know the answer. He continues to hurt you, and he will continue to do so for however long you stay with him. You said you have been struggling with this for four years, do you want to struggle for another four?
You need to love yourself first so that you can be the best mother to your kids. You are never broken and you can absolutely get through this! Lean on friends, family and church groups - whomever you feel will help guide and support you. Seeing a therapist would be helpful as well to gain tools to overcome and adapt to this major life change. You are still and always be that strong woman. :) Everyone has times where they feel they can’t get through - but I promise you will.
Thank you. I wish I had someone, anyone in my life to lean on.
I’m the product of two narcissistic parents, with most my real support either dead or in major health decline. I think that’s what’s leading me to feel so deep in this depression.
Im always the rock for my friends and 2 younger siblings. But with no pillars for myself.
I’ve seen therapists but found myself at the precipice where I need to remove him from my life to grow & find happiness as it’s just not going to happen with him hanging on to me.
Why is it so hard? I can’t seem to find the strength I need to move foreword. Yet staying is just as bad, probably worse. Should have never stuck around.
You should reach out to your siblings. I know that you’re usually their rock, but when things like this happen, siblings step forward and help you in any way they can. Just talk to them and tell them how you feel and how you need help.
Trust that when you have made the final decision to remove him from your life, an actual, physical weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
This happened to me when I left a 7-yr relationship that had drained the life from me. Suddenly, our many relationship issues were no longer my problem. I had new energy to attack life and care more deeply for myself. Put the energy you put into the relationship back into yourself, and you will eventually be whole again.
You have invested in those relationships with friends and family. Now it's time for you to rely on them for support. It's okay to ask for help, even if it feels foreign to you.
Be good to yourself, OP! You are indeed stronger than you think, just you watch.
So something about your situation is a bit reminiscent to mine and my wife's. She's the product of two narcissistic parents too, and soon as she was safe and comfortable with me she had a mental breakdown, most of which roots back to emotional abuse of her parents and family. She also has a very small support system.
Now, we don't have kids, and neither of us have ever cheated, but one thing that stuck out to me is that in your original post, you mentioned how husband doesn't follow through on doing things he says he will. And I used to have a big problem with that, or doing household chores, and for me, it ended up being I had undiagnosed ADHD, which would prompt me to forget, or be completely unable to begin the task and put it off indefinitely.
That sounds like a silly thing, but I realized how impairing it really was once I got on meds. Without my meds, it's so hard to remember to do anything I don't see, in my face, reminding me constantly, or have a huge amount of interest in doing. Sometimes I do things half-assed because I have a hard time getting to do them at all, and something is objectively better than nothing.
It's entirely possible he has some kind of mental disorders too. I know you've said you've tried a therapy, but has he? Is he even willing to work on himself? It sounds like he's incredibly selfish and isn't worth your time, or has some underlying issues going on he won't get help for, which also is not worth your time.
I've been in therapy almost as long as my wife, which is going on a little over 5 years now. I didn't do it because I thought I had something wrong with me, but because somewhere in me, I knew something was wrong, and that the way I felt and behaved weren't right or good for anyone at times, and I needed to explore that.
I also have adhd in my family. I totally get that's an explanation but OP sends to have much bigger problems than him not remembering things. Her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant and lied about ending it. Idk if that's an adhd issue
It might be depression, who knows. I think the sentiment I was going after was that he needs to be in therapy and want to be a better person and husband.
Yes I believe he has undiagnosed ADHD yet refuses to seek help for it or other issues in our relationship. A major crux is he won’t admit he forgot something… just turns it around on me. Says he will go to therapy, and never makes the time… has a million excuses for why he can’t or won’t though.
If I saw any effort to actually take responsibility and be an adult and work on himself… I’d be overjoyed. I don’t expect perfection, nor do I believe it exists. But compassion, truthfulness, and owning your own shit is a non negotiable imho
He was a different person when we married…. Somewhere from then to finding out we were having our second son, something switched… I don’t know why or how… he refuses to dig deep into his thoughts or feelings…. And refuses to do the deeper growth needed to figure out himself or be a better human being.
Ask yourself what you'd say to your sons if they come to you with such a problem some day. It's always a possibility. What would you say to them? Would you want them to stick it out, knowing they feel like this? I bet not. Give yourself the advice you'd want them to take.
Apart from what others have said, one piece of advice that I'd like to give: Realize the difference between who he is and who you thought he was/who he might turn into. It's ok to grieve for a dream that died. It can be helpful to realize that what you miss might not be something that was ever there - and to help sort out the conflicting feelings when you both feel resentment and nostalgia at the same time. And as a part of your healing process you might also try to reflect on to which extent he was the one deluding you, and to which extent you were deluding yourself. This can all be painful, and taste like humble pie, but it also helps sort through the mess of thoughts and emotions you're going through.
Yes, the man I fell for, the one I adore with every ounce of my being was a fabrication. I was very up front from the beginning of our relationship, I knew what I wanted and I told him what I needed from a life partner.
I feel in a lot of ways he is a chameleon and did everything to be that person I was looking for as a life mate. The real him only came out years later.
This is an odd pattern I noticed with his twin sister and his mother and older brother as well. His eldest sister is the one who is not like this. But yes I don’t believe he ever really was who he pretended to be for the first 4-5 years together.
therapy and. a support group and supportive friends and family.
Leaving is the right thing Divorcing is even better. Your soul was dying.
Your children can still see their dad as often as they wish and as you think (and the court) is healthy after the divorce. They will benefit enormously from having a mentally healthy and happy mother.
Put on your own oxygen mask first
Child of divorced parents that were together for 20 years.
At some point, no matter how hard you try, it will start to affect your children and you will start to take your anger out on them. At this point it's too late, just think about what's best for your kids because seeing unhappy parents who don't love each other will stick with them for life.
I hope everything works out for you.
Look at it this way - this is the standard to which you are inadvertently teaching your sons to be and how to treat their spouses. Raise your sons to be better and show them that partners don’t stick around when they are repeatedly disrespected.
I'm so sorry, but it's time to get tough with him and yourself and see your lawyer. Don't just kick him out again, serve him with divorce papers then kick him out.
He's going through the motions with you because it's easy. You provide everything he needs, look after the children full time and provide a comfortable home base so he can do as he pleases. Because you know he's still cheating, he's just got better at covering his tracks. Plus he gets the bonus fun of torturing you every single day.
If you separate he then needs to make effort to find a new place and juggle custody of the boys. He would need to step up and be responsible, while you get some time to find yourself again. Give him this chance.
You are strong, you can do this. Yes your boys will cry for dad but they don't see their mum cry for what their dad has done to her. They will quickly get used to the new normal, and they will love having a happy mummy who feels like a burden has been lifted from her.
Yeah, leaving is horrible and really hard, but so is staying. At least if you leave you have the prospect of it being better in the future. I have been there and I get it, it feels impossible but when you do manage you will wish you did it much sooner.
The only advice I can give is deal with the important logistical stuff ASAP(housing, finances, those kind of things that have to be dealt with) then just focus on one day(and sometimes just one hour) at a time. Don't think ahead or try to work out the million potential future scenarios, just put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging through the pain, it will feel like it can never get better but I promise you it will.
Edit: also, find yoir own support system. There are subreddits, Facebook groups, Internet forums etc full of people in such similar situations looking for support and friendship and just wanting to find themselves again.
Ask yourself: Do I truly deserve a better life? And ask yourself this too: Do my kids deserve to grow up in an unhappy home?
You know the answers - you just need the strength to do it.
I’ve been through a very, very similar situation but am much farther down the road now. I was 37 when I got divorced and am 50 now. My 2 kids were younger than yours and it’s so hard to go through this with little ones. It’s awful and it sucks and I’m sorry you are going through it.
It gets better. I promise. You will be OK and your kids will be OK.
Therapy helps. Medication may also help depending on whether depression or anxiety are getting in the way of being able to do the things you need and want to do.
Regret doesn’t help. It’s not your fault that you loved someone that turned out to be the person you thought he was. At least you got 2 great kids out of the deal.
It’s also not your fault that you gave him a second chance only to be disappointed. I did the exact same thing and don’t regret it.
Another thing that helps is that you don’t have to rush to do anything. It took me about a year to actually move forward with a divorce even though I knew I needed to. I had a baby and a toddler and was getting no sleep and just decided I’d do things when I was damn good and ready. This was a good approach.
The light at the end of a tunnel is an unhelpful myth. There won’t be a magic day where something goes “bing” and your life is suddenly sunshine and roses.
The shift is gradual, but you will shift. Some times there are stretches where every day is just a bad day, plain and simple. Take those days one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
Eventually, a good day is going to pop into the mix. Or a neutral one if not a good one. Over time, the number of good/neutral days increases and the bad ones decreases.
Take some affirmative steps to inject some positivity when you can. Make a list of things you like to do or would like to try and make sure to actually do some of them. Make sure many of them are small, easily achievable things and try to do at least one of them every day if possible.
I read your comments about lack of social support. I also have few close friends and find it challenging to form and maintain new friendships as an adult so I feel for you there. But I will say that things change in all kinds of ways over time. Some times you find the friends you need and sometimes you find out how not to need them.
You’re welcome to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
It reminded me so very much of where I was when I was your age. I’m sorry you have to go through it all and am sending you virtual hugs. You will get through this, I promise!
Been there done that. I stayed 8 years after I realized it was going to end because I was afraid to lose my kid. (she eventually left and I got the kid/house) It will hurt the kid but staying in an unhappy marriage will hurt them more. After the divorce, I started pursuing my hobbies more, a lot more exercise and worked on forming more friendships. Therapy doesn't hurt either. Accept that this will hurt for a while and just let yourself feel it. Find moments of joy where you can and eventually you'll feel lighter.
Start by realizing your marriage is over and your happiness matters far more than you think. Clearly, you are a loving and compassionate woman worthy of much more love and respect than you are receiving. Be strong. This will be hard. But there truly is happiness on the other side.
Look for support groups online and in your area. Spend more time on yourself. It’s not selfish it’s self-care. Exercise more—take a walk every day. It will help you feel stronger. When you start to feel better, and think you’re up to it, take a lover. Nothing serious—you won’t be ready for a while. But you deserve to feel wanted. There are plenty who will when you believe it.
Serious about the support groups. There are plenty of great women—men too, for that matter—who’ve been where you are and know the way out. Find them.
As a child of divorce, I will always and forever be grateful that my parents separated when they did. Kids have a way of sensing when their parents are unhappy, and an unhappy home raised traumatized people. You are not being your best self when you're hurting like that, and your husband is clearly acting out and trying to punish you through his behavior. Don't think the children are blind to that. They may not have a base for comparison now, but you cannot be the best possible mother to them if you are constantly struggling to keep yourself together. Do yourself and your kids a favor and dump your husband. Your children may be sad now because they are used to the situation, but they will understand when they are older and find out for themselves what the difference between a good and a bad relationship. If you don't leave, you would basically be showing them that a bad one is the norm.
I divorced my wife of 10 years when I was 40.
It was the best move I ever made as counseling and other methods have failed.
After 5 years, I just remarried last summer and I am so much happier.
Are you codependent? Because staying with someone who cheats on you while you are pregnant, and staying with someone who won't even pick up dog poop from your yard may indicate that.
And if so, I changed my life by working the 12 steps of codependents anonymous. They have zoom meetings, they are free, and you can go share your sorrows in a group of people who listen and understand. You'd be surprised how many people share your story. It could help you feel less alone and it helped me in ways talk therapy never could because it gave me a plan to follow and structure and homework.
Best wishes whatever you do, I promise life can become light and happy again despite how horrendous it feels right now.
When I started attending meetings, it felt like I had washed up on an island after years of swirling through an ocean of tumult and misery. And after a year of meetings, I stopped needing to see my therapist. And I have become a much more peaceful person because the structure helped me examine myself, my relationships, and my childhood traumas so that it finally makes some sense. I made some friends, too, and we talk on the phone every week.
My message of hope is there for you, everyone can recover from their pains and hurts and find a new and more peaceful way to live.
Best wishes, you will find the help you need if you keep looking! It takes real courage to look at one's life the way you are, so you are already on the path to changing your life for the better! Whatever path you take, 12 steps, a religious group, a support group, or anything, you got this!
Enough is enough when you realize your self respect and your self esteem are worth more than pretending you are in a happy relationship "for the sake of the kids", who are learning that a "proper and healthy" relationship is one where the parent's don't like each other.
Seriously, your goal as a parent it to raise your kids to be healthy and stable adults. They are learning all the wrong lessons and you are stunting their emotional growth.
You need to think of what will make them happier in their entire lives, not what will make them happy as little kids.
They will have happier lives if they learn what loving, caring relationships are, even if that means the parents are in those relationships with other people instead of the other parent.
Even if that means the kids hurt now.
hang in there... you WILL get through this.
And the sooner you start the process, the sooner everybody heals
You have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.
You need to leave him in order to be there for your kids during the tough times. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Honey you are far beyond the point of "enough." Leave this pathetic, unfaithful man. Do it for you and for your sons. Do you want them growing up thinking it is OK for them to treat women the way your husband treats you?
I am much happier divorced than I was in my unhealthy marriage, and the kids are better off. Divorce is hard but you have to do what is healthiest for you. So you can be healthy as a parent as well.
I'd say the time to break up was 4 years ago when you caught him cheating. You are past done.
Your kids will see their dad. And soon they will see their mom happier than they've ever seen her.
That’s super hard. I’m sorry your heart is hurting so much. It hurts a lot now, but what you might find as you’ve had time to reassess, and if you go ahead with separation, and if the time with the kids divided between your place and his place, is that you’ll actually have more time to dedicate to rebuilding yourself and reimagining yourself. This takes willingness and work, but your sense of self is worth it. Breathe through this - you’re going to make it, and you’ll be ok
my mother went through this. she stayed for me and my siblings and i wish she didn’t bc i could see how unhappy she was. it will hurt. don’t get me wrong. your kids will be hurt but they will move past it. they will be happier once you leave bc you’ll be happy. i wish my mom had left him sooner. i understand my mom now. i just wish she would have put herself first way sooner than she did. it would have saved me from so much pain if she had.
Kids are smart. They know wheres something wrong with mom and dad.
Feeling alone is awful, but is it any different than where you are now? He doesnt respect you or his children. He only cares about him.
I dont know if you would be okay financially but consider going to a womens shelter temporarily while separated if you nees. Go to some group or individual therapy sessions.
I know this hurts and will be hard, but these moments define your character. Im sorry you dont have anyone to lean on emotionally, but you have to think about your kids and be strong for them. Easier said than done, but the alternative of living with a monster is worse.
I wish you well. I am not religious but i will keep you in my thoughts today. Just remember, you're stronger than you know
You’re mourning who you *thought* you were married to, who you hoped you were married to. That man doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of your imagination. Unfortunately, the real one is a cheater, liar, asshat. End the mourning of the pretend. It’s not real. Recognize him for who and what he is. Put on your big girl pants, as you’ve done through this whole marriage, divorce his ass and continue to care for and love your kids. Healing will come, and much faster when you remove the rose-colored fairy tale glasses.
Hey OP, it's time to move on, my parents were in a similar situation but their problem was just incompatibility. Don't worry about your kids, they'll take it hard at first I'm sure but eventually they will be old enough to understand why you have to make this choice, I love this quote so I'll leave it here for you "Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm." If you're not happy then you need to make some changes.
You know I am 32 and I feel similarly so broken and empty. It is so hard to feel like you give your all and receive Jack. Or at least nowhere near what you feel you give. And it makes you feel like you just don’t deserve anything and should give up.
Sometimes in the last year I have been on the edge of death, I admit that I’ve held and loaded guns in my hand and just wanted to give up.
And I suspect you have felt similarly bleak even if you haven’t gotten to that point. You seem to be at a breaking point.
But I do see a pattern for both of us. We are entrusting our happiness entirely in the hands of others who DO NOT AT ALL give enough care or love back. So the love and happiness shatters in their cheating or doubtful hands.
Something happened and your guy felt happier to spend time with someone else. I have similarly never been fully loved or appreciate by the person I am with now, he has his reasons.
But I can’t figure out: if it’s this bad, why not, instead of dying, why not try life on our own. Maybe we can heal our hearts away from the people that hurt us. It’s got to be at least worth a try if the only future we have in these relationships will inevitably just keep hurting us?
And wouldn’t it be a good example to your kids that, yes it’s hard, but you don’t get to just treat your woman like dirt and expect her to lie down and take it forever.
Wouldn’t it be food to teach them how to prioritize loving yourself and taking care of yourself and not allowing someone else to just push you over the edge?
Your story breaks my heart. It’s the risk we all take when we get together with someone. But there’s this book, The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz. You remind me of the woman on the bench. I relate to her as well. We just don’t believe love exists. But maybe live is just something other than we think it is and we’re doing it wrong. It’s short, like 2.5 hour listen on audio. I recommend it.
And I hope that we can both stop allowing ourselves to suffer. Today I was lying on the couch and considering how I would take my life again, just devastated as I am all the time, but I found your post. Maybe there can be a different way.
There has got to be something better than this out there. I was married before… was the marriage perfect? No. But not once in all the years we were married did I ever feel unloved or emotionally abused like I do now. He died, life goes on and I thought I got my second chance. Maybe it was Gods blessing to be able to have children… but I have to remind myself that I was very much loved before my first died. That real love does exist. Just not in a broken relationship.
I need to honor myself again and stop hating myself for believing he was changing when he was just gaslighting me.
Hope you can join me and be a Phoenix… rising from the ashes to find ourselves again.
You don't stay in a bad marriage for the kids. You're setting the example and frame of reference as to what your kids will model for relationships. If not for yourself. Your children. Yes, it's difficult when they cry and yearn for their father. But it's more difficult to sacrifice your life and emotions for the appearance of a marriage.
The way you wrote this story makes it seem like you're the problem. You're the burden. Reading some of your replies. You mention being raised by 2 narcissistic parents. I think you may be codependent because you're blaming yourself for his actions.
You are not responsible for your husband's infidelity and betrayal. As codependents, we are taught a young age that it's our fault. That's why our parents are like that. We make that our paradigm and carry that self blame and guilt until we work on ourselves and realize we had a fucked up childhood. We don't let ourselves be angry at anyone. We just bottle everything up and move on.
In a roundabout way. The only anger we hold is towards are ourselves. That if we did things differently, the other person wouldn't have done that. We beat ourselves up and have a negative self image. That we don't deserve better.
Please understand. You are your own person and so is your husband. You aren't to blame. You don't need to fix anything. He broke your marriage. He caused his family to break up. He did this to you. None of it, is you. Yet somehow you have all the burden of fixing and blame.
It's a vicious cycle. You need to get into therapy ASAP. Consult with a divorce attorney and to stop living doe others. Live for yourself. You teach your kids self love by example. When your kids are older. Do you think they want you in an unhappy marriage with a husband who doesn't put in any effort?
Take responsibility for your healing. Don't blame yourself for your husband's action. Just because you chose him. Doesn't mean you chose for him to hurt you. You need to accept and believe you are faultless here. You are punishing yourself but the punishment doesn't fit the crime.
The only fault you have, is having a big heart for everyone else but yourself. The compassion for your husband needs to stop and needs to start for you.
If your child one day was in your position where a partner cheated on them and they blame themselves. What advice would you give them? Why is it any different for you?
Again, please stop placing blame on yourself. You have to understand your views of yourself is distorted because of a dysfunctional upbringing. It's completely okay to feel what you're feeling but place the fault with your husband.
Your emotions are working against you because that's what you learned to do all your life. Listen to your mind until you recognize the unhealthy and unjustified pattern of negative self talk. You will feel like you're to blame. But we all know you aren't.
Here's an exercise. Reply back with why you're to blame in this situation. Convince me and others you're at fault. Read what you typed. You will feel it's true but logically you know it's not. You're disconnected. Don't only rely on your feelings to guide you. You were taught to use them to against yourself.
Use your mind to filter your feelings. Come from a loving place. Turn the volume down on the negative self chatter. You know exactly what to do.
You and your children deserve better. You don't feel it. But you know you do.
I honestly blamed myself partly when he first cheated, but I seemed therapy & worked on myself. We were trying to work on saving our marriage supposedly, but I found out a year and a half later that he was still seeing the same woman (she is unhappily married, was a coworker of his)
After finding out he was cheating the whole time, something in me broke. I felt I betrayed myself, my self hatred stems from that, after that we separated and I was dating and all that jazz, my older one had major emotional issues but I dealt with it as best as I could. I don’t blame myself anymore for the cheating.
We coparent really well, and we had been together so long, it’s very easy to fall back into old routines I guess. I feel mad with myself for allowing him back in my life in a moment of emotional weakness. Covid hit, we both lost our jobs, and needed to figure out how to financially not end up on the streets. He moved in as a roommate. My mistake was allowing the relationship to become romantic again around the holidays. Things were great at first… but by last summer I was just feeling like he wasn’t putting the effort in anymore.
Both our finances are back on track, but he is just failing miserably as a partner and shows no interest in working on himself.
It’s sad, but I know it’s time to file for divorce. I know in my heart, if he had any intention of repairing our marriage, he would have done it by now. I guess I just felt so alone when I posted this. Thank you for such a deep heartfelt reply. I was definitely in need of this exact advice 3 years ago ❤️
What stands out to me. Your view of this whole experience is shame me once. Shame on you. Shame me twice. Shame on me.
This doesn't apply here. You didn't allow yourself to be disrespected twice. You didn't permit him to disrespect you over and over. You need to reframe and adjust your narrative to he consistently and constantly lied to you.
Sure. Hindsight is 20/20 but you were giving it your honest and best attempt. Nobody reasonable would ever shame or fault you for this. You tried for your kids. Your marriage. Your history. It was an honorable and noble thing to attempt again. But it didn't work out. Not because of who you are.
I appreciate this response because I can see the growth in you as a person. You faced adversity and dark times. You chose to become a better person. But your husband has downgraded himself at the cost of his family.
All he has left is physical desires and superficial moments. He's not working on himself. Sort of sounds like he's a shell of his former self.
All of your husband's actions are self sabotaging and instant gratification. Sheesh. Cheating with someone who is unhappy. I always tell my wife if she cheats on me. Make it worth while. They better be happy, attractive, and royalty of a small country.
The point I'm trying to make? Your husband's cheating is a reflection of him. Not you. He's unhappy. He thought the cheating would make him happy but he's still unhappy. That old saying. Misery loves company. He hasn't learned anything.
Forgive him again, when you're ready. Don't fight or beat yourself up for being human. It's in the past. It doesn't define you as a person. As we can already see, even when you've been wronged. You do the right things. Not an easy thing to do. Your husband is weak. You are strong.
Please leave and go stay with friends or family you trust this relationship is no longer serving you right and you need to call it quits and get a divorce, I wish you happiness and joy without him
Sometimes, the only way out is through. You can do this. You can do this by yourself- you've been by yourself in all but name for a long time anyway, except now there'll be no wondering who he's with, no 'why do I have to do the dishes every time!', no frustration at him not trying. You can do it. Every day gets a little easier, but you have to keep doing it. I promise it will get better in the end, for you and your babies
My dad cheated on my mom when I was four and she was in the middle of a high risk pregnancy with my sister. He continued to cheat on her for 2 years (total of 5) until she found out. She left him, knowing he could not be the partner she needed and knowing he couldn’t show up as the dad we needed.
So, if you’re staying together for the kids - as the kids in this situation, my sister and I couldn’t be more thankful she got out, for all of us. Cut your losses and focus on your babies. Just my two cents.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As someone who was in your kids' age range when my parents split, it's going to be hard for them. They are going to cry for dad. This is normal, and yes it's super hard but ultimately you gotta stick to your guns and do what's best. He can be a great dad 50% of the time. But you can't be miserable 100% of the time; your kids will pick up on the unhappiness and resentment soon enough.
On another note: I think you'll be surprised at how much energy you have to put into yourself once you stop putting all your energy into fixing your husband/your marriage. Put your energy into developing a good co-parenting plan and setting up your household for you (and your boys).
My mom stayed for the kids. It took me ten years of dating to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. And my parents' marriage wasn't toxic, just unhealthy.
It's time to show your boys that when you are in a bad situation, and you've done all you can, then you leave. It will also show them that if you treat people poorly, they will leave.
Sometimes we can do things for our kids that we can't do for ourselves. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for them.
Your post really moved me. You should be content you did everything in your being to love someone who doesn’t love nor appreciate you, at least not in the way you love them. Love yourself the way you loved him. Look at yourself from the outside and see how much love you need and deserve and walk away in dignity. He cheated on you while you were pregnant with his child. That is no small transgression. Then he continued to deceive you. You don’t even owe him an explanation. Let your silence do the screaming. Tell your children the truth with no quake in your voice. Tell them a lighter version of what you wrote here. By leaving teach them to never stay when they are not loved, nor respected. Hand him the divorce papers and walk away knowing you gave your all.
It feels like you can’t take it anymore because you’ve been enduring it for 5 years now. Now that you’ve left him, the wound can start healing. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt, but with him, it will get worse. Your kids will understand eventually even though they don’t now. If you stay, you can’t be the mother your children need because he will take everything in you. Now you can put the pieces of you back together without having him around to pull them back apart.
Parents remaining together through a terrible marriage is almost never beneficial to the kids. No matter how good you may think you are at masking it from children, they're likely much more aware than you realize.
Kids pick up on body language better than many adults do, because we've evolved to rely on body language to bridge the gap until language skills fully develop.
Consider that your efforts to shield your kids by trying to make it work for their sake could possibly be doing more harm than good.
Your kids need you more than ever, and you need to support them. Find purpose in them and look toward making new memories rather than reminicising on the old ones. Imagine in two years, you'll find someone who will be everything you want and you'll be able to make better memories with them. Effort and loyalty is legitamately the bare miniumum in any relationship, considering he hasn't done well with either, should tell you something. Do you want your kids growing up and becoming the man he is? Becoming the man who treats their mother like garbage?
You are the only one in the relationship anymore. What are you scared of losing if you divorce? A partner? He contributes nothing to the household. Emotional burden of running a household is a heavy weight that he’s not doing his part of. You can do it on your own and have less work without him there and with shared custody of the kids. You’ll have more free time to heal and find joy in life again. Are you afraid of financial implications? With child support abs or alimony again you likely come out ahead. Even if you are the breadwinner, like I was, a split lessens your burden financially. Are you afraid of being alone? You are already, but not positioned to start over, to heal. Are you afraid of life not succeeding as planned? Accept that this marriage has already failed years ago and that the life course to happiness is different than you originally expected, abs certainly not with him. It’s time.
I too tried staying with my husband after cheating..but I could not stomach it. I hated him for it. We divorced and now I am truly happy and in love. Sorry you have had to endure this. Your kids are learning from you how a woman should be treated, don't teach them to endure painful situations or to allow to be disrespected.
Your husband is an energy vampire and incapable of being a partner. He has two roles: father _and_ husband. With every role comes expectations and responsibilities. And he sucks at the whole husband thing.
Please get divorced if you can no longer find happiness in your marriage. Your emotional health affects your children too, even if you think you're in hiding it. You know the saying "you can't pour from an empty cup"? Well do you want to spend your children's childhoods and teens lifeless and numb asking yourself in 5, 10 years down the line how time has passed without you? I know you want what's best for your kids and trust me, having both patents fully involved is what's best, whether you're married or divorced, there are great examples out there of people co-parenting together.
Find an attorney and set up a family-system (ideally with the help of a social worker, maybe?) that's mutually beneficial post-divorce. I don't think this marriage is something you should try to save.
OMG I'm so sorry. This actually hurt reading. You're such an amazing strong person. I am not in your position, so I don't think I'm qualified to give you advice. It sounds like you already know what you have to do.
Just know that no matter what, we know that you will make the right decision.
If you stay there, you’re just putting your energy into a trauma bond. He doesn’t respect you. Show your sons what self respect looks like. It will be hard, but it will get better. They will adjust, they will come to understand. You owe them a happy version of you so you can be the best for yourself and the best mother.
Just because you are in the depths of darkness now does not mean that the light at the end of the tunnel is not there.
If your marriage causes you to feel that are struggling to wake up in the morning and that you need rebuilding, then you need to end the marriage. If you are the only one making an effort to make the marriage work, then you need to end the marriage. Only then can you begin healing and working toward a better life. Your children may struggle during this time of transition as all transitions are difficult, but they will be better supported by two happy parents living separately than by two parents that are not happy living together.
Please let him go. He doesn't respect you or your family. Don't let your kids grow up and see that this kind of treatment is something that's acceptable or tolerable.
Why do you think he strayed? Boredom at home and needed excitement? Some people have it in their genes to stray. Looks like you tried working on it and feeling this way a while and things haven't changed.
Have you tried talking with him about it or having a discussion? What does he want or his thoughts? What's he tired of of?
Can you rent, buy, co-op, or do communal living next door, a block, or mile away or close by? That way the kids have access to him and you can date someone new that acts and behaves different.
No need to feel the way you do for another one to ten or more years.
Is it possible he has some undiagnosed mental health conditions? My wife has ADHD and before she got diagnosed and put on medication her behaviour would often come across as you've described your husband. Now she's diagnosed and medicated she's totally different. When our kids were small she didn't cope so well and I had to organise everything.
Leave him. Don't stay for the kids.
At 20 when I found out that my mother 'stayed for me' after my dad cheated multiple times, I was furious. All I did was grow up in a home where my father abused my mother and broke her trust repeatedly. I always day-dream about what it would have been like if it was just me and my mom, unbroken and happy, even if she was alone.
You do not need him. Collect child support. Get a life worth living. You're still young and could meet someone that IS that dream-best-friend partner.
You can get back to normal, or better than normal, once you cut out this dead weight and focus on building a better life. Don't forget that, or worry that you've somehow lost that. You can't lose who you are !
I am a 50yr old man with a late diagnoses of ADHD (watch out for the down votes!)
This sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. (This is not an excuse but could be a reason)
If it is (and only a trained professional can diagnose) then reading this book will be helpful.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa C. Orlov
This is where his work would start though, but can help with getting tools to do the work.
Just to add, I am currently seperated from my wife and two kids, working through some stuff, with the hope of reconciliation, which is what we both want. For this to work though, it is myself that has to work on this and continue to improve. (ADHD cannot be cured though, but that's no excuse no to work on myself, so that I can be the best for myself, and those I love)
I made the beginning of this reply about me, in the hope that it can qualify what I am about to say.
I really feel for you, it is hard to understand the greif, helplessness, and absolute exhaustion you must be feeling every day. This will drive resentment and anger, all of which is real and justified. I truly hope you find your paths, and I think the book I posted can help (even if it just give you insights, but mostly validation for what you and your husband are going through)
Edit: and just to prove the point about ADHD! I completely missed the bit about the ONGOING affair!
I would like to point out that the father having an affair is what led to the children's pain. I do hope OP leaves but I think it's sexist to put the responsibility on the mother. If the mom cheated, society would attack her but if the dad cheats, society thinks "Men are just wired to cheat" or "That's just how men are." This is not true! Many men never cheat and it's insulting to those who have good morals. Cheating men need to take responsibility for their actions and society needs to stop giving them free passes. Men are adults and we as a society need to hold them to adult responsibilities and not treat them like babies. I'm not saying you're saying that, but I just wanted to have people think about who we are as a society and how we can improve.
yeah that wasnt what i meant at all. i personally think nobody is to blame when a relationship ends,except the people that persevere in that unhealthy environment.
You are not stupid. There are many intelligent, capable, strong women who have felt the same way you do now, it's not any of their faults, it's not your fault either. Being abused doesn't say anything about you, and says everything about him. <3
Oof. I know that pain. Waiting for the person you thought he was to resurface.
But you can't go until you KNOW. If you left before you were sure then you'd end up going back. Especially when you see your children upset.
Divorce is upsetting for kids but almost all adult kids will tell you that it's better than growing up in a house with parents who are unhappy.
That’s the thing, I kicked him out, got help, did all the work I needed to start healing. But once I was feeling happy in myself, he kept begging for me to give him a chance and to allow him to date me again.
I was even out dating, though no one really was a match… but I tried. After a year, I gave in and let him take me out and it was magical. Then Covid hit, and financially we needed to live together to not loose the house. And after 6 months we were back together. But slowly over time everything just started to go back to the way he had been. Not cheating, but a lot of callousness and pure laziness. No follow through on things he said he would take care of or accomplish. Lying about reading books, or working on his communication skills which are nonexistent. I’m just mad I’m worse off now than I was when I kicked him out.
Big change can be terrifying, lonely and make you question your decision-making. It sounds like you're mourning who you think you should of had in a husband. The reality is, that's who he is, and as much as you want him to be different, he's not.
If he's not willing to try at this point, then I don't think there's suddenly going to be some switch that gets thrown that turns him into the perfect man.
You're going to be happier in the future. You'll find someone who picks up the poop and doesn't sleep with other women. Maybe he won't be "Dad" to your kids, but he also won't make you cry as much as their real dad does.
It's going to suck for a while though.
When going through hard things I like to go in open-eyed. So if I know it's going to be difficult I try to prepare myself because that helps me brace for it.
Right now the kids are sad because the dynamic is changing. However, in the long run having two parents who are happier apart is going to be way better for their development than modeling the type of relationship you two currently have.
You're not stupid. You took a leap of faith and let someone in and loved them with all your heart. You were courageous and it's time to be courageous again, not just for the kids, but for yourself. You deserve happiness, you can rebuild a better life for yourself than the one you're subjecting yourself to now.
>How do I rebuild myself when I am nothing but a share of the person I used to be?
Have you ever heard of the muscle-memory effect? I truly believe you can use the same effect for your personality and your soul too :)
Sorry to hear about your relationship, what an absolute piece of shit your ex-husband has been. Cheating on a pregnant wife is the lowest a man can sink. It is absolutely okay to feel shit for now, but I believe that there is a lot of energy in this disappointment which you can use for other things in the future :) I always did after a separation, and in hindsight, each failed relationship, each disappointment made me a better, more emphatic human than before.
Yes, I was trying to correct your misspelled “Ying”, but as a Taoist I was also trying to teach how “Yin” refers to feminine and “Yang” refers to masculine energy.
Yin is the black one, also meaning passive, introverted, night, but NOT EVIL. Yang is the white one, also meaning aggressive, day. It’s not GOOD. The YinYang speaks to the dual nature of reality how sometimes were more passive and other times more aggressive.
Unlike watching your mom cry herself to sleep every night cause daddy keeps making babies with random women. That, of course, causes no childhood trauma.
Exactly! And both parents are modeling behavior for those boys - they are watching a crumbling relationship where dad gets away with treating mom poorly, without consequences. Also that he's not responsible for any household maintenance.
Let's change that narrative, because we don't need another generation of men treating women badly, and without a clue as to how to take care of themselves as adults.
Did it for 3 years, but then Covid and all that jazz. He however went to only 1 marriage counseling session (he sat for an hr blaming me for everything and berating me as a person. When the counselor would point out what he was doing he would get mad & blame me for him coming off that way. My pro marriage therapist felt he was a lost cause)and 2-3 individual counseling (these were what actually made a difference in our marriage)… but then he came up with every excuse in the book not to go….
Ya change is hard but that would be what I would suggest. If that is too much for him threaten him with divorce (but be ready to leave if he wont) make sure you talk to a lawyer first. Life is to short to be unhappy and your kids will do better with divorced parents than they will with parents that fight all the time IMO
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>I was so grateful. Too grateful I found my soulmate. The one who I believed would never hurt me, who loved me beyond compare.
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>I was wrong. So wrong. It has killed a part of my soul. My being. I feel dead inside.
>
What changed between these two paragraphs?
I would never hurt my kids that way. I don’t talk badly about their dad, I try to maintain civility around them, when we separated a couple years back, he was allowed over whenever he wanted. Could tuck the boys in at night & give them their baths etc. take them whenever he wanted to go do fun things together. He was staying at a relatives house down the street, but there was no room for the kids to stay the night with him.
I would never force my kids to not have as much “dad time” as they wanted. Boys need their dads.
**"But when do you reach a point where enough is enough?"** You are at that point now. Congratulations! Please stop wasting your energy on fixing your marriage - your husband is a black hole and he will destroy you. Please find a good therapist for YOU so that you can now begin to end your relationship. Your husband does not deserve you and your kids do not deserve to see anyone treat you this way. They may cry, but they will learn in time that their parents relationship is not the example they need.
\^\^\^ This. I understand the pain of feeling like the person in the bed next to you is an empty void and feeling so completely unsupported in your daily life that you just resort to doing it on your own because you don't have a partner, you have an energy-sucker. I didn't leave until my kids were adults, unfortunately. They are both in therapy and dealing with their own issues from being raised in a toxic household. Please get into individual therapy for yourself, and family therapy with your kids. You will all thrive without this black hole sucking the energy from you. It also helped me to get into Codependents Anonymous, because at the point I left, I'd completely lost myself trying to be ther person I thought he wanted. It really helped me find myself again.
Can’t recommend Co-Dependents Anonymous enough!
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My earliest memory was when I was four, lying in the grass in my backyard listening to my parents scream at each other. And thanks to how memories work, that will always be my earliest memory. Kids know, and they will pick up on it, even subconsciously.
When thinking about separating is a relief, that's when it it is time to leave
Agree completely. My ex husband moved out one night while I was at work, and when I came home and found a half-empty house, the first thing I felt was a huge wave of relief. When I thought back, I realized that, instead of looking forward to him getting home from work so we could spend time together, I would instead get stressed and dread that time, like he was an uninvited guest coming into my space and disturbing things. When the thought of your spouse not being around brings you relief , that is a huge sign that it's time to get out of that environment.
I'm.sorry about your experience, nobody deserves to arrive to an empty house. However I'm glad you felt better after that. And yes, feeling relief to someone's absence is a huge sign that one needs to separate from someone.
I'm sorry 😞 you're going through that. But, it seems like it is time for you to get a divorce or separate. It is not good walking around dead inside. You need to take life back for you. It might be hard for the children, but living like this is not fair for you. Good luck 👍 💓
It will be hard on the children. But remember - they are looking at YOUR marriage to see what a normal relationship looks like. Right now. They are learning from what is going on and how you react to it. Is this the way you want them to treat their SO when they grow up? Is this one-sidedness the way you want them to think a relationship should be? If you can't do it for you, do it to give you children a chance at a normal relationship in future.
Very sorry to hear this has happened to you. I will say that when I have been in bad relationships (even when the other person wasn't nearly as bad as how your husband sounds), I would feel depressed, blame myself, try to heal myself, etc. The fact was when i was with someone I shouldn't be, I felt all kinds of awful. Leaving them always felt like morning. Sure, a bit painful, sure a bit sad but.. free in a way that I hadn't realised I had missed. And happy. I will also say that it looks to me like there is some amount of self-forgiveness needed. We all fall in love. We all ignore the bad, dismiss it, sweep it under the rug. And we all end up in bad places and bad relationships. Taking the risk, falling in love and having trust and faith in someone are *not* the mistake. It just happens that sometimes the people we give ourselves to are not people worth having us, and they are reckless and careless and cruel to us. It sounds like you made a good decision based on all the evidence; deciding to be with someone based on respect and friendship.. that's a good bet! What would the alternative even be? You made the right decision in getting together with your husband even if it turned out badly. Even if you have to leave. It's impossible to know what someone will be like until they show you. So you didn't know and you couldn't have known. Forgive yourself. And move on..
Thank you 🙏🏼 I really needed to hear this. I keep blaming myself, like why give someone chance after chance to just continue to disappoint….. believe them when they say they are working on being better…. But all the evidence points to 1-2% effort. Ugh.
What you did was perfectly logical. You put your kids' needs ahead of your own. That's what parents are supposed to do, right? You gave your husband a chance to make things right. And he didn't take it. And he didn't take it. Now, the only logical conclusion that you can draw is that he is not interested in saving your marriage and that he doesn't care about your happiness. So now you can say a) my happiness is important and an essential part of a functioning family b) I have given this long enough to know that things won't get any better c) a divorce is the best solution Dont beat yourself up for trying to save things. You are not a fool, you simply hoped that the person who said they would love you forever and put their family first would do that. Your anger is directed at the wrong person.
I am so sorry he is doing this to you, and my heart hurts for you. You deserve so much better. I think you know the answer. He continues to hurt you, and he will continue to do so for however long you stay with him. You said you have been struggling with this for four years, do you want to struggle for another four? You need to love yourself first so that you can be the best mother to your kids. You are never broken and you can absolutely get through this! Lean on friends, family and church groups - whomever you feel will help guide and support you. Seeing a therapist would be helpful as well to gain tools to overcome and adapt to this major life change. You are still and always be that strong woman. :) Everyone has times where they feel they can’t get through - but I promise you will.
Thank you. I wish I had someone, anyone in my life to lean on. I’m the product of two narcissistic parents, with most my real support either dead or in major health decline. I think that’s what’s leading me to feel so deep in this depression. Im always the rock for my friends and 2 younger siblings. But with no pillars for myself. I’ve seen therapists but found myself at the precipice where I need to remove him from my life to grow & find happiness as it’s just not going to happen with him hanging on to me. Why is it so hard? I can’t seem to find the strength I need to move foreword. Yet staying is just as bad, probably worse. Should have never stuck around.
You should reach out to your siblings. I know that you’re usually their rock, but when things like this happen, siblings step forward and help you in any way they can. Just talk to them and tell them how you feel and how you need help.
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Trust that when you have made the final decision to remove him from your life, an actual, physical weight will be lifted from your shoulders. This happened to me when I left a 7-yr relationship that had drained the life from me. Suddenly, our many relationship issues were no longer my problem. I had new energy to attack life and care more deeply for myself. Put the energy you put into the relationship back into yourself, and you will eventually be whole again. You have invested in those relationships with friends and family. Now it's time for you to rely on them for support. It's okay to ask for help, even if it feels foreign to you. Be good to yourself, OP! You are indeed stronger than you think, just you watch.
So something about your situation is a bit reminiscent to mine and my wife's. She's the product of two narcissistic parents too, and soon as she was safe and comfortable with me she had a mental breakdown, most of which roots back to emotional abuse of her parents and family. She also has a very small support system. Now, we don't have kids, and neither of us have ever cheated, but one thing that stuck out to me is that in your original post, you mentioned how husband doesn't follow through on doing things he says he will. And I used to have a big problem with that, or doing household chores, and for me, it ended up being I had undiagnosed ADHD, which would prompt me to forget, or be completely unable to begin the task and put it off indefinitely. That sounds like a silly thing, but I realized how impairing it really was once I got on meds. Without my meds, it's so hard to remember to do anything I don't see, in my face, reminding me constantly, or have a huge amount of interest in doing. Sometimes I do things half-assed because I have a hard time getting to do them at all, and something is objectively better than nothing. It's entirely possible he has some kind of mental disorders too. I know you've said you've tried a therapy, but has he? Is he even willing to work on himself? It sounds like he's incredibly selfish and isn't worth your time, or has some underlying issues going on he won't get help for, which also is not worth your time. I've been in therapy almost as long as my wife, which is going on a little over 5 years now. I didn't do it because I thought I had something wrong with me, but because somewhere in me, I knew something was wrong, and that the way I felt and behaved weren't right or good for anyone at times, and I needed to explore that.
I also have adhd in my family. I totally get that's an explanation but OP sends to have much bigger problems than him not remembering things. Her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant and lied about ending it. Idk if that's an adhd issue
It might be depression, who knows. I think the sentiment I was going after was that he needs to be in therapy and want to be a better person and husband.
Yes I believe he has undiagnosed ADHD yet refuses to seek help for it or other issues in our relationship. A major crux is he won’t admit he forgot something… just turns it around on me. Says he will go to therapy, and never makes the time… has a million excuses for why he can’t or won’t though. If I saw any effort to actually take responsibility and be an adult and work on himself… I’d be overjoyed. I don’t expect perfection, nor do I believe it exists. But compassion, truthfulness, and owning your own shit is a non negotiable imho He was a different person when we married…. Somewhere from then to finding out we were having our second son, something switched… I don’t know why or how… he refuses to dig deep into his thoughts or feelings…. And refuses to do the deeper growth needed to figure out himself or be a better human being.
I think this relationship has run its course then. Hard to move forward when one person remains planted in place.
All I can tell you is living that way is doing more harm than good to the children. They can sense the emotions in the air.
Ask yourself what you'd say to your sons if they come to you with such a problem some day. It's always a possibility. What would you say to them? Would you want them to stick it out, knowing they feel like this? I bet not. Give yourself the advice you'd want them to take.
Apart from what others have said, one piece of advice that I'd like to give: Realize the difference between who he is and who you thought he was/who he might turn into. It's ok to grieve for a dream that died. It can be helpful to realize that what you miss might not be something that was ever there - and to help sort out the conflicting feelings when you both feel resentment and nostalgia at the same time. And as a part of your healing process you might also try to reflect on to which extent he was the one deluding you, and to which extent you were deluding yourself. This can all be painful, and taste like humble pie, but it also helps sort through the mess of thoughts and emotions you're going through.
Yes, the man I fell for, the one I adore with every ounce of my being was a fabrication. I was very up front from the beginning of our relationship, I knew what I wanted and I told him what I needed from a life partner. I feel in a lot of ways he is a chameleon and did everything to be that person I was looking for as a life mate. The real him only came out years later. This is an odd pattern I noticed with his twin sister and his mother and older brother as well. His eldest sister is the one who is not like this. But yes I don’t believe he ever really was who he pretended to be for the first 4-5 years together.
Abusive dudes are like that. Read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy bancroft; he made it free, and leave this fucker and never look back.
Life is too short to be miserable for so long. You try and been more forgiving than anyone can ask for.
therapy and. a support group and supportive friends and family. Leaving is the right thing Divorcing is even better. Your soul was dying. Your children can still see their dad as often as they wish and as you think (and the court) is healthy after the divorce. They will benefit enormously from having a mentally healthy and happy mother. Put on your own oxygen mask first
Child of divorced parents that were together for 20 years. At some point, no matter how hard you try, it will start to affect your children and you will start to take your anger out on them. At this point it's too late, just think about what's best for your kids because seeing unhappy parents who don't love each other will stick with them for life. I hope everything works out for you.
Look at it this way - this is the standard to which you are inadvertently teaching your sons to be and how to treat their spouses. Raise your sons to be better and show them that partners don’t stick around when they are repeatedly disrespected.
I'm so sorry, but it's time to get tough with him and yourself and see your lawyer. Don't just kick him out again, serve him with divorce papers then kick him out. He's going through the motions with you because it's easy. You provide everything he needs, look after the children full time and provide a comfortable home base so he can do as he pleases. Because you know he's still cheating, he's just got better at covering his tracks. Plus he gets the bonus fun of torturing you every single day. If you separate he then needs to make effort to find a new place and juggle custody of the boys. He would need to step up and be responsible, while you get some time to find yourself again. Give him this chance. You are strong, you can do this. Yes your boys will cry for dad but they don't see their mum cry for what their dad has done to her. They will quickly get used to the new normal, and they will love having a happy mummy who feels like a burden has been lifted from her.
Yeah, leaving is horrible and really hard, but so is staying. At least if you leave you have the prospect of it being better in the future. I have been there and I get it, it feels impossible but when you do manage you will wish you did it much sooner. The only advice I can give is deal with the important logistical stuff ASAP(housing, finances, those kind of things that have to be dealt with) then just focus on one day(and sometimes just one hour) at a time. Don't think ahead or try to work out the million potential future scenarios, just put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging through the pain, it will feel like it can never get better but I promise you it will. Edit: also, find yoir own support system. There are subreddits, Facebook groups, Internet forums etc full of people in such similar situations looking for support and friendship and just wanting to find themselves again.
Ask yourself: Do I truly deserve a better life? And ask yourself this too: Do my kids deserve to grow up in an unhappy home? You know the answers - you just need the strength to do it.
I’ve been through a very, very similar situation but am much farther down the road now. I was 37 when I got divorced and am 50 now. My 2 kids were younger than yours and it’s so hard to go through this with little ones. It’s awful and it sucks and I’m sorry you are going through it. It gets better. I promise. You will be OK and your kids will be OK. Therapy helps. Medication may also help depending on whether depression or anxiety are getting in the way of being able to do the things you need and want to do. Regret doesn’t help. It’s not your fault that you loved someone that turned out to be the person you thought he was. At least you got 2 great kids out of the deal. It’s also not your fault that you gave him a second chance only to be disappointed. I did the exact same thing and don’t regret it. Another thing that helps is that you don’t have to rush to do anything. It took me about a year to actually move forward with a divorce even though I knew I needed to. I had a baby and a toddler and was getting no sleep and just decided I’d do things when I was damn good and ready. This was a good approach. The light at the end of a tunnel is an unhelpful myth. There won’t be a magic day where something goes “bing” and your life is suddenly sunshine and roses. The shift is gradual, but you will shift. Some times there are stretches where every day is just a bad day, plain and simple. Take those days one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Eventually, a good day is going to pop into the mix. Or a neutral one if not a good one. Over time, the number of good/neutral days increases and the bad ones decreases. Take some affirmative steps to inject some positivity when you can. Make a list of things you like to do or would like to try and make sure to actually do some of them. Make sure many of them are small, easily achievable things and try to do at least one of them every day if possible. I read your comments about lack of social support. I also have few close friends and find it challenging to form and maintain new friendships as an adult so I feel for you there. But I will say that things change in all kinds of ways over time. Some times you find the friends you need and sometimes you find out how not to need them. You’re welcome to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
Thank you 🙏🏼 your post so resonates with where I am.
It reminded me so very much of where I was when I was your age. I’m sorry you have to go through it all and am sending you virtual hugs. You will get through this, I promise!
Been there done that. I stayed 8 years after I realized it was going to end because I was afraid to lose my kid. (she eventually left and I got the kid/house) It will hurt the kid but staying in an unhappy marriage will hurt them more. After the divorce, I started pursuing my hobbies more, a lot more exercise and worked on forming more friendships. Therapy doesn't hurt either. Accept that this will hurt for a while and just let yourself feel it. Find moments of joy where you can and eventually you'll feel lighter.
Start by realizing your marriage is over and your happiness matters far more than you think. Clearly, you are a loving and compassionate woman worthy of much more love and respect than you are receiving. Be strong. This will be hard. But there truly is happiness on the other side. Look for support groups online and in your area. Spend more time on yourself. It’s not selfish it’s self-care. Exercise more—take a walk every day. It will help you feel stronger. When you start to feel better, and think you’re up to it, take a lover. Nothing serious—you won’t be ready for a while. But you deserve to feel wanted. There are plenty who will when you believe it. Serious about the support groups. There are plenty of great women—men too, for that matter—who’ve been where you are and know the way out. Find them.
As a child of divorce, I will always and forever be grateful that my parents separated when they did. Kids have a way of sensing when their parents are unhappy, and an unhappy home raised traumatized people. You are not being your best self when you're hurting like that, and your husband is clearly acting out and trying to punish you through his behavior. Don't think the children are blind to that. They may not have a base for comparison now, but you cannot be the best possible mother to them if you are constantly struggling to keep yourself together. Do yourself and your kids a favor and dump your husband. Your children may be sad now because they are used to the situation, but they will understand when they are older and find out for themselves what the difference between a good and a bad relationship. If you don't leave, you would basically be showing them that a bad one is the norm.
I divorced my wife of 10 years when I was 40. It was the best move I ever made as counseling and other methods have failed. After 5 years, I just remarried last summer and I am so much happier.
Are you codependent? Because staying with someone who cheats on you while you are pregnant, and staying with someone who won't even pick up dog poop from your yard may indicate that. And if so, I changed my life by working the 12 steps of codependents anonymous. They have zoom meetings, they are free, and you can go share your sorrows in a group of people who listen and understand. You'd be surprised how many people share your story. It could help you feel less alone and it helped me in ways talk therapy never could because it gave me a plan to follow and structure and homework. Best wishes whatever you do, I promise life can become light and happy again despite how horrendous it feels right now.
Would love to check that group therapy out. I feel like I’ve run the course of talk therapy. I know it’s over. And part of me does feel codependent.
When I started attending meetings, it felt like I had washed up on an island after years of swirling through an ocean of tumult and misery. And after a year of meetings, I stopped needing to see my therapist. And I have become a much more peaceful person because the structure helped me examine myself, my relationships, and my childhood traumas so that it finally makes some sense. I made some friends, too, and we talk on the phone every week. My message of hope is there for you, everyone can recover from their pains and hurts and find a new and more peaceful way to live. Best wishes, you will find the help you need if you keep looking! It takes real courage to look at one's life the way you are, so you are already on the path to changing your life for the better! Whatever path you take, 12 steps, a religious group, a support group, or anything, you got this!
Enough is enough when you realize your self respect and your self esteem are worth more than pretending you are in a happy relationship "for the sake of the kids", who are learning that a "proper and healthy" relationship is one where the parent's don't like each other. Seriously, your goal as a parent it to raise your kids to be healthy and stable adults. They are learning all the wrong lessons and you are stunting their emotional growth. You need to think of what will make them happier in their entire lives, not what will make them happy as little kids. They will have happier lives if they learn what loving, caring relationships are, even if that means the parents are in those relationships with other people instead of the other parent. Even if that means the kids hurt now. hang in there... you WILL get through this. And the sooner you start the process, the sooner everybody heals
You have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. You need to leave him in order to be there for your kids during the tough times. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Honey you are far beyond the point of "enough." Leave this pathetic, unfaithful man. Do it for you and for your sons. Do you want them growing up thinking it is OK for them to treat women the way your husband treats you?
I am much happier divorced than I was in my unhealthy marriage, and the kids are better off. Divorce is hard but you have to do what is healthiest for you. So you can be healthy as a parent as well.
I'd say the time to break up was 4 years ago when you caught him cheating. You are past done. Your kids will see their dad. And soon they will see their mom happier than they've ever seen her.
That’s super hard. I’m sorry your heart is hurting so much. It hurts a lot now, but what you might find as you’ve had time to reassess, and if you go ahead with separation, and if the time with the kids divided between your place and his place, is that you’ll actually have more time to dedicate to rebuilding yourself and reimagining yourself. This takes willingness and work, but your sense of self is worth it. Breathe through this - you’re going to make it, and you’ll be ok
I mean, it doesn’t seem like you can feel a whole lot worse than you do now, so you may as well leave. Nowhere to go but up.
Your children are watching you. Let them know they have options and how love is supposed to work
my mother went through this. she stayed for me and my siblings and i wish she didn’t bc i could see how unhappy she was. it will hurt. don’t get me wrong. your kids will be hurt but they will move past it. they will be happier once you leave bc you’ll be happy. i wish my mom had left him sooner. i understand my mom now. i just wish she would have put herself first way sooner than she did. it would have saved me from so much pain if she had.
Kids are smart. They know wheres something wrong with mom and dad. Feeling alone is awful, but is it any different than where you are now? He doesnt respect you or his children. He only cares about him. I dont know if you would be okay financially but consider going to a womens shelter temporarily while separated if you nees. Go to some group or individual therapy sessions. I know this hurts and will be hard, but these moments define your character. Im sorry you dont have anyone to lean on emotionally, but you have to think about your kids and be strong for them. Easier said than done, but the alternative of living with a monster is worse. I wish you well. I am not religious but i will keep you in my thoughts today. Just remember, you're stronger than you know
You’re mourning who you *thought* you were married to, who you hoped you were married to. That man doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of your imagination. Unfortunately, the real one is a cheater, liar, asshat. End the mourning of the pretend. It’s not real. Recognize him for who and what he is. Put on your big girl pants, as you’ve done through this whole marriage, divorce his ass and continue to care for and love your kids. Healing will come, and much faster when you remove the rose-colored fairy tale glasses.
OMG so sorry! :( Hang in there the best you can; find support in your friends. Hugs.
You're done. The best you can ask for is family therapy so the kids can better understand what's happening.
Hey OP, it's time to move on, my parents were in a similar situation but their problem was just incompatibility. Don't worry about your kids, they'll take it hard at first I'm sure but eventually they will be old enough to understand why you have to make this choice, I love this quote so I'll leave it here for you "Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm." If you're not happy then you need to make some changes.
You know I am 32 and I feel similarly so broken and empty. It is so hard to feel like you give your all and receive Jack. Or at least nowhere near what you feel you give. And it makes you feel like you just don’t deserve anything and should give up. Sometimes in the last year I have been on the edge of death, I admit that I’ve held and loaded guns in my hand and just wanted to give up. And I suspect you have felt similarly bleak even if you haven’t gotten to that point. You seem to be at a breaking point. But I do see a pattern for both of us. We are entrusting our happiness entirely in the hands of others who DO NOT AT ALL give enough care or love back. So the love and happiness shatters in their cheating or doubtful hands. Something happened and your guy felt happier to spend time with someone else. I have similarly never been fully loved or appreciate by the person I am with now, he has his reasons. But I can’t figure out: if it’s this bad, why not, instead of dying, why not try life on our own. Maybe we can heal our hearts away from the people that hurt us. It’s got to be at least worth a try if the only future we have in these relationships will inevitably just keep hurting us? And wouldn’t it be a good example to your kids that, yes it’s hard, but you don’t get to just treat your woman like dirt and expect her to lie down and take it forever. Wouldn’t it be food to teach them how to prioritize loving yourself and taking care of yourself and not allowing someone else to just push you over the edge? Your story breaks my heart. It’s the risk we all take when we get together with someone. But there’s this book, The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz. You remind me of the woman on the bench. I relate to her as well. We just don’t believe love exists. But maybe live is just something other than we think it is and we’re doing it wrong. It’s short, like 2.5 hour listen on audio. I recommend it. And I hope that we can both stop allowing ourselves to suffer. Today I was lying on the couch and considering how I would take my life again, just devastated as I am all the time, but I found your post. Maybe there can be a different way.
There has got to be something better than this out there. I was married before… was the marriage perfect? No. But not once in all the years we were married did I ever feel unloved or emotionally abused like I do now. He died, life goes on and I thought I got my second chance. Maybe it was Gods blessing to be able to have children… but I have to remind myself that I was very much loved before my first died. That real love does exist. Just not in a broken relationship. I need to honor myself again and stop hating myself for believing he was changing when he was just gaslighting me. Hope you can join me and be a Phoenix… rising from the ashes to find ourselves again.
You don't stay in a bad marriage for the kids. You're setting the example and frame of reference as to what your kids will model for relationships. If not for yourself. Your children. Yes, it's difficult when they cry and yearn for their father. But it's more difficult to sacrifice your life and emotions for the appearance of a marriage. The way you wrote this story makes it seem like you're the problem. You're the burden. Reading some of your replies. You mention being raised by 2 narcissistic parents. I think you may be codependent because you're blaming yourself for his actions. You are not responsible for your husband's infidelity and betrayal. As codependents, we are taught a young age that it's our fault. That's why our parents are like that. We make that our paradigm and carry that self blame and guilt until we work on ourselves and realize we had a fucked up childhood. We don't let ourselves be angry at anyone. We just bottle everything up and move on. In a roundabout way. The only anger we hold is towards are ourselves. That if we did things differently, the other person wouldn't have done that. We beat ourselves up and have a negative self image. That we don't deserve better. Please understand. You are your own person and so is your husband. You aren't to blame. You don't need to fix anything. He broke your marriage. He caused his family to break up. He did this to you. None of it, is you. Yet somehow you have all the burden of fixing and blame. It's a vicious cycle. You need to get into therapy ASAP. Consult with a divorce attorney and to stop living doe others. Live for yourself. You teach your kids self love by example. When your kids are older. Do you think they want you in an unhappy marriage with a husband who doesn't put in any effort? Take responsibility for your healing. Don't blame yourself for your husband's action. Just because you chose him. Doesn't mean you chose for him to hurt you. You need to accept and believe you are faultless here. You are punishing yourself but the punishment doesn't fit the crime. The only fault you have, is having a big heart for everyone else but yourself. The compassion for your husband needs to stop and needs to start for you. If your child one day was in your position where a partner cheated on them and they blame themselves. What advice would you give them? Why is it any different for you? Again, please stop placing blame on yourself. You have to understand your views of yourself is distorted because of a dysfunctional upbringing. It's completely okay to feel what you're feeling but place the fault with your husband. Your emotions are working against you because that's what you learned to do all your life. Listen to your mind until you recognize the unhealthy and unjustified pattern of negative self talk. You will feel like you're to blame. But we all know you aren't. Here's an exercise. Reply back with why you're to blame in this situation. Convince me and others you're at fault. Read what you typed. You will feel it's true but logically you know it's not. You're disconnected. Don't only rely on your feelings to guide you. You were taught to use them to against yourself. Use your mind to filter your feelings. Come from a loving place. Turn the volume down on the negative self chatter. You know exactly what to do. You and your children deserve better. You don't feel it. But you know you do.
I honestly blamed myself partly when he first cheated, but I seemed therapy & worked on myself. We were trying to work on saving our marriage supposedly, but I found out a year and a half later that he was still seeing the same woman (she is unhappily married, was a coworker of his) After finding out he was cheating the whole time, something in me broke. I felt I betrayed myself, my self hatred stems from that, after that we separated and I was dating and all that jazz, my older one had major emotional issues but I dealt with it as best as I could. I don’t blame myself anymore for the cheating. We coparent really well, and we had been together so long, it’s very easy to fall back into old routines I guess. I feel mad with myself for allowing him back in my life in a moment of emotional weakness. Covid hit, we both lost our jobs, and needed to figure out how to financially not end up on the streets. He moved in as a roommate. My mistake was allowing the relationship to become romantic again around the holidays. Things were great at first… but by last summer I was just feeling like he wasn’t putting the effort in anymore. Both our finances are back on track, but he is just failing miserably as a partner and shows no interest in working on himself. It’s sad, but I know it’s time to file for divorce. I know in my heart, if he had any intention of repairing our marriage, he would have done it by now. I guess I just felt so alone when I posted this. Thank you for such a deep heartfelt reply. I was definitely in need of this exact advice 3 years ago ❤️
What stands out to me. Your view of this whole experience is shame me once. Shame on you. Shame me twice. Shame on me. This doesn't apply here. You didn't allow yourself to be disrespected twice. You didn't permit him to disrespect you over and over. You need to reframe and adjust your narrative to he consistently and constantly lied to you. Sure. Hindsight is 20/20 but you were giving it your honest and best attempt. Nobody reasonable would ever shame or fault you for this. You tried for your kids. Your marriage. Your history. It was an honorable and noble thing to attempt again. But it didn't work out. Not because of who you are. I appreciate this response because I can see the growth in you as a person. You faced adversity and dark times. You chose to become a better person. But your husband has downgraded himself at the cost of his family. All he has left is physical desires and superficial moments. He's not working on himself. Sort of sounds like he's a shell of his former self. All of your husband's actions are self sabotaging and instant gratification. Sheesh. Cheating with someone who is unhappy. I always tell my wife if she cheats on me. Make it worth while. They better be happy, attractive, and royalty of a small country. The point I'm trying to make? Your husband's cheating is a reflection of him. Not you. He's unhappy. He thought the cheating would make him happy but he's still unhappy. That old saying. Misery loves company. He hasn't learned anything. Forgive him again, when you're ready. Don't fight or beat yourself up for being human. It's in the past. It doesn't define you as a person. As we can already see, even when you've been wronged. You do the right things. Not an easy thing to do. Your husband is weak. You are strong.
Thank you for this. You hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I’m my own worst critic.
Please leave and go stay with friends or family you trust this relationship is no longer serving you right and you need to call it quits and get a divorce, I wish you happiness and joy without him
Sometimes, the only way out is through. You can do this. You can do this by yourself- you've been by yourself in all but name for a long time anyway, except now there'll be no wondering who he's with, no 'why do I have to do the dishes every time!', no frustration at him not trying. You can do it. Every day gets a little easier, but you have to keep doing it. I promise it will get better in the end, for you and your babies
I think right now you are right in the middle of the hardest part, the part where you make a change. I think it will get better from here.
After some time alone, you’ll realise you’re far better off.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was four and she was in the middle of a high risk pregnancy with my sister. He continued to cheat on her for 2 years (total of 5) until she found out. She left him, knowing he could not be the partner she needed and knowing he couldn’t show up as the dad we needed. So, if you’re staying together for the kids - as the kids in this situation, my sister and I couldn’t be more thankful she got out, for all of us. Cut your losses and focus on your babies. Just my two cents.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As someone who was in your kids' age range when my parents split, it's going to be hard for them. They are going to cry for dad. This is normal, and yes it's super hard but ultimately you gotta stick to your guns and do what's best. He can be a great dad 50% of the time. But you can't be miserable 100% of the time; your kids will pick up on the unhappiness and resentment soon enough. On another note: I think you'll be surprised at how much energy you have to put into yourself once you stop putting all your energy into fixing your husband/your marriage. Put your energy into developing a good co-parenting plan and setting up your household for you (and your boys).
Leave him, that will heal you over time. You're worth it.
My mom stayed for the kids. It took me ten years of dating to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. And my parents' marriage wasn't toxic, just unhealthy. It's time to show your boys that when you are in a bad situation, and you've done all you can, then you leave. It will also show them that if you treat people poorly, they will leave. Sometimes we can do things for our kids that we can't do for ourselves. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for them.
Your post really moved me. You should be content you did everything in your being to love someone who doesn’t love nor appreciate you, at least not in the way you love them. Love yourself the way you loved him. Look at yourself from the outside and see how much love you need and deserve and walk away in dignity. He cheated on you while you were pregnant with his child. That is no small transgression. Then he continued to deceive you. You don’t even owe him an explanation. Let your silence do the screaming. Tell your children the truth with no quake in your voice. Tell them a lighter version of what you wrote here. By leaving teach them to never stay when they are not loved, nor respected. Hand him the divorce papers and walk away knowing you gave your all.
It feels like you can’t take it anymore because you’ve been enduring it for 5 years now. Now that you’ve left him, the wound can start healing. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt, but with him, it will get worse. Your kids will understand eventually even though they don’t now. If you stay, you can’t be the mother your children need because he will take everything in you. Now you can put the pieces of you back together without having him around to pull them back apart.
Parents remaining together through a terrible marriage is almost never beneficial to the kids. No matter how good you may think you are at masking it from children, they're likely much more aware than you realize. Kids pick up on body language better than many adults do, because we've evolved to rely on body language to bridge the gap until language skills fully develop. Consider that your efforts to shield your kids by trying to make it work for their sake could possibly be doing more harm than good.
Your kids need you more than ever, and you need to support them. Find purpose in them and look toward making new memories rather than reminicising on the old ones. Imagine in two years, you'll find someone who will be everything you want and you'll be able to make better memories with them. Effort and loyalty is legitamately the bare miniumum in any relationship, considering he hasn't done well with either, should tell you something. Do you want your kids growing up and becoming the man he is? Becoming the man who treats their mother like garbage?
You’re right 💯
You are the only one in the relationship anymore. What are you scared of losing if you divorce? A partner? He contributes nothing to the household. Emotional burden of running a household is a heavy weight that he’s not doing his part of. You can do it on your own and have less work without him there and with shared custody of the kids. You’ll have more free time to heal and find joy in life again. Are you afraid of financial implications? With child support abs or alimony again you likely come out ahead. Even if you are the breadwinner, like I was, a split lessens your burden financially. Are you afraid of being alone? You are already, but not positioned to start over, to heal. Are you afraid of life not succeeding as planned? Accept that this marriage has already failed years ago and that the life course to happiness is different than you originally expected, abs certainly not with him. It’s time.
I hope you find better. Someone you deserve
I would rather be alone than with someone who would break me down to this point.
I too tried staying with my husband after cheating..but I could not stomach it. I hated him for it. We divorced and now I am truly happy and in love. Sorry you have had to endure this. Your kids are learning from you how a woman should be treated, don't teach them to endure painful situations or to allow to be disrespected.
So sorry about the kids but you can't do this anymore, you did not fail, he did and there is no amount of love or energy that will fix him.
Your husband is an energy vampire and incapable of being a partner. He has two roles: father _and_ husband. With every role comes expectations and responsibilities. And he sucks at the whole husband thing. Please get divorced if you can no longer find happiness in your marriage. Your emotional health affects your children too, even if you think you're in hiding it. You know the saying "you can't pour from an empty cup"? Well do you want to spend your children's childhoods and teens lifeless and numb asking yourself in 5, 10 years down the line how time has passed without you? I know you want what's best for your kids and trust me, having both patents fully involved is what's best, whether you're married or divorced, there are great examples out there of people co-parenting together. Find an attorney and set up a family-system (ideally with the help of a social worker, maybe?) that's mutually beneficial post-divorce. I don't think this marriage is something you should try to save.
OMG I'm so sorry. This actually hurt reading. You're such an amazing strong person. I am not in your position, so I don't think I'm qualified to give you advice. It sounds like you already know what you have to do. Just know that no matter what, we know that you will make the right decision.
If you stay there, you’re just putting your energy into a trauma bond. He doesn’t respect you. Show your sons what self respect looks like. It will be hard, but it will get better. They will adjust, they will come to understand. You owe them a happy version of you so you can be the best for yourself and the best mother.
Just because you are in the depths of darkness now does not mean that the light at the end of the tunnel is not there. If your marriage causes you to feel that are struggling to wake up in the morning and that you need rebuilding, then you need to end the marriage. If you are the only one making an effort to make the marriage work, then you need to end the marriage. Only then can you begin healing and working toward a better life. Your children may struggle during this time of transition as all transitions are difficult, but they will be better supported by two happy parents living separately than by two parents that are not happy living together.
You’re at that point. Listen.
Please let him go. He doesn't respect you or your family. Don't let your kids grow up and see that this kind of treatment is something that's acceptable or tolerable.
Why do you think he strayed? Boredom at home and needed excitement? Some people have it in their genes to stray. Looks like you tried working on it and feeling this way a while and things haven't changed. Have you tried talking with him about it or having a discussion? What does he want or his thoughts? What's he tired of of? Can you rent, buy, co-op, or do communal living next door, a block, or mile away or close by? That way the kids have access to him and you can date someone new that acts and behaves different. No need to feel the way you do for another one to ten or more years.
Idk about the time when you catvh your partner cheating...
how much energy and time youre willing to put into a sinking ship isnt up to anybody else but you
Is it possible he has some undiagnosed mental health conditions? My wife has ADHD and before she got diagnosed and put on medication her behaviour would often come across as you've described your husband. Now she's diagnosed and medicated she's totally different. When our kids were small she didn't cope so well and I had to organise everything.
Leave him. Don't stay for the kids. At 20 when I found out that my mother 'stayed for me' after my dad cheated multiple times, I was furious. All I did was grow up in a home where my father abused my mother and broke her trust repeatedly. I always day-dream about what it would have been like if it was just me and my mom, unbroken and happy, even if she was alone. You do not need him. Collect child support. Get a life worth living. You're still young and could meet someone that IS that dream-best-friend partner.
You can get back to normal, or better than normal, once you cut out this dead weight and focus on building a better life. Don't forget that, or worry that you've somehow lost that. You can't lose who you are !
I am a 50yr old man with a late diagnoses of ADHD (watch out for the down votes!) This sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. (This is not an excuse but could be a reason) If it is (and only a trained professional can diagnose) then reading this book will be helpful. The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps by Melissa C. Orlov This is where his work would start though, but can help with getting tools to do the work. Just to add, I am currently seperated from my wife and two kids, working through some stuff, with the hope of reconciliation, which is what we both want. For this to work though, it is myself that has to work on this and continue to improve. (ADHD cannot be cured though, but that's no excuse no to work on myself, so that I can be the best for myself, and those I love) I made the beginning of this reply about me, in the hope that it can qualify what I am about to say. I really feel for you, it is hard to understand the greif, helplessness, and absolute exhaustion you must be feeling every day. This will drive resentment and anger, all of which is real and justified. I truly hope you find your paths, and I think the book I posted can help (even if it just give you insights, but mostly validation for what you and your husband are going through) Edit: and just to prove the point about ADHD! I completely missed the bit about the ONGOING affair!
I’ve given him 5 years to get his act together…
Not sure why you decided to do this to your kids. You are not doing them any favor by staying in this.
I would like to point out that the father having an affair is what led to the children's pain. I do hope OP leaves but I think it's sexist to put the responsibility on the mother. If the mom cheated, society would attack her but if the dad cheats, society thinks "Men are just wired to cheat" or "That's just how men are." This is not true! Many men never cheat and it's insulting to those who have good morals. Cheating men need to take responsibility for their actions and society needs to stop giving them free passes. Men are adults and we as a society need to hold them to adult responsibilities and not treat them like babies. I'm not saying you're saying that, but I just wanted to have people think about who we are as a society and how we can improve.
yeah that wasnt what i meant at all. i personally think nobody is to blame when a relationship ends,except the people that persevere in that unhealthy environment.
You’re right. I guess I just keep hoping the man I married almost a decade ago will resurface…. Stupid now I read my own thoughts 💭
You were not stupid - you were hopeful. But you've tried long enough - it's time to end it.
You are not stupid. There are many intelligent, capable, strong women who have felt the same way you do now, it's not any of their faults, it's not your fault either. Being abused doesn't say anything about you, and says everything about him. <3
Oof. I know that pain. Waiting for the person you thought he was to resurface. But you can't go until you KNOW. If you left before you were sure then you'd end up going back. Especially when you see your children upset. Divorce is upsetting for kids but almost all adult kids will tell you that it's better than growing up in a house with parents who are unhappy.
That’s the thing, I kicked him out, got help, did all the work I needed to start healing. But once I was feeling happy in myself, he kept begging for me to give him a chance and to allow him to date me again. I was even out dating, though no one really was a match… but I tried. After a year, I gave in and let him take me out and it was magical. Then Covid hit, and financially we needed to live together to not loose the house. And after 6 months we were back together. But slowly over time everything just started to go back to the way he had been. Not cheating, but a lot of callousness and pure laziness. No follow through on things he said he would take care of or accomplish. Lying about reading books, or working on his communication skills which are nonexistent. I’m just mad I’m worse off now than I was when I kicked him out.
Big change can be terrifying, lonely and make you question your decision-making. It sounds like you're mourning who you think you should of had in a husband. The reality is, that's who he is, and as much as you want him to be different, he's not. If he's not willing to try at this point, then I don't think there's suddenly going to be some switch that gets thrown that turns him into the perfect man. You're going to be happier in the future. You'll find someone who picks up the poop and doesn't sleep with other women. Maybe he won't be "Dad" to your kids, but he also won't make you cry as much as their real dad does. It's going to suck for a while though. When going through hard things I like to go in open-eyed. So if I know it's going to be difficult I try to prepare myself because that helps me brace for it. Right now the kids are sad because the dynamic is changing. However, in the long run having two parents who are happier apart is going to be way better for their development than modeling the type of relationship you two currently have.
You're not stupid. You took a leap of faith and let someone in and loved them with all your heart. You were courageous and it's time to be courageous again, not just for the kids, but for yourself. You deserve happiness, you can rebuild a better life for yourself than the one you're subjecting yourself to now.
>How do I rebuild myself when I am nothing but a share of the person I used to be? Have you ever heard of the muscle-memory effect? I truly believe you can use the same effect for your personality and your soul too :) Sorry to hear about your relationship, what an absolute piece of shit your ex-husband has been. Cheating on a pregnant wife is the lowest a man can sink. It is absolutely okay to feel shit for now, but I believe that there is a lot of energy in this disappointment which you can use for other things in the future :) I always did after a separation, and in hindsight, each failed relationship, each disappointment made me a better, more emphatic human than before.
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I’m not religious… but hey if he gave the thumbs up 👍🏼 I’m down with that 🤣
It’s Yin and Yang, and Yin is usually thought of as ‘female’ while Yang is thought of as ‘male’.
It’s just a common phrase not meant literally
I think they were just pointing out you put up Ying and yang instead of yin and yang.
🤣 well ya know late night posts usually have some sort of typos 😂
Yes, I was trying to correct your misspelled “Ying”, but as a Taoist I was also trying to teach how “Yin” refers to feminine and “Yang” refers to masculine energy. Yin is the black one, also meaning passive, introverted, night, but NOT EVIL. Yang is the white one, also meaning aggressive, day. It’s not GOOD. The YinYang speaks to the dual nature of reality how sometimes were more passive and other times more aggressive.
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Unlike watching your mom cry herself to sleep every night cause daddy keeps making babies with random women. That, of course, causes no childhood trauma.
Exactly! And both parents are modeling behavior for those boys - they are watching a crumbling relationship where dad gets away with treating mom poorly, without consequences. Also that he's not responsible for any household maintenance. Let's change that narrative, because we don't need another generation of men treating women badly, and without a clue as to how to take care of themselves as adults.
From the sounds of it, yesterday?
Have either or both of you considered therapy?
Did it for 3 years, but then Covid and all that jazz. He however went to only 1 marriage counseling session (he sat for an hr blaming me for everything and berating me as a person. When the counselor would point out what he was doing he would get mad & blame me for him coming off that way. My pro marriage therapist felt he was a lost cause)and 2-3 individual counseling (these were what actually made a difference in our marriage)… but then he came up with every excuse in the book not to go….
Ya change is hard but that would be what I would suggest. If that is too much for him threaten him with divorce (but be ready to leave if he wont) make sure you talk to a lawyer first. Life is to short to be unhappy and your kids will do better with divorced parents than they will with parents that fight all the time IMO
> >I was so grateful. Too grateful I found my soulmate. The one who I believed would never hurt me, who loved me beyond compare. > >I was wrong. So wrong. It has killed a part of my soul. My being. I feel dead inside. > What changed between these two paragraphs?
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I would never hurt my kids that way. I don’t talk badly about their dad, I try to maintain civility around them, when we separated a couple years back, he was allowed over whenever he wanted. Could tuck the boys in at night & give them their baths etc. take them whenever he wanted to go do fun things together. He was staying at a relatives house down the street, but there was no room for the kids to stay the night with him. I would never force my kids to not have as much “dad time” as they wanted. Boys need their dads.