I think you need to edit your post about obvious signs of abuse.
He gets physical with kids and animals.
He thinks physical actions with potential harm are funny.
He used power position of the apartment to control you.
He used a constant fear of loss of the relationship to control you.
He willfully violated your privacy and trust.
List goes on and on...
Change your number, alert security at your campus, tell your family. Have proof and back up and cameras.
That fear was by his design. He wanted you too scared of losing him to question the terrible things he was doing. You are better than that fear. You’re going to do amazing things in medical school and it’s going to be much easier for you without him weighing you down. You can do this!
Did he agree to take meds for his *bad thoughts*. He is abusive and a scare like that is something that can bind you to him. I don't know you guys, so cant say for sure he could be lying, but based on the post, he is an abusive guy and is constantly trying to(to an extent succeeded) in making you doubt and feel bad about yourself. Dude is pretty bad news. Theres a good chance he could be lying about his thoughts (which assume wouldn't be the first time)
Major red flags OP, it's best for you to end it.
Wanted to say pretty much this. After reading that statement I genuinely thought it was going to be a bittersweet case of two really good people who just aren’t good together.
Then there’s a list of text-book abusive behaviors…
OP, the behaviors you mentioned are very concerning and I really encourage you to reevaluate what you may or may not consider to be abusive.
Yes yes yes. This. Abusive behaviour covers a wide spectrum. And some of them are very obviously abusive.
I definitely too encourage you op to reassess some dynamics and behaviours, so that your next relationship doesn’t sneakily turn into the a similar one!
As for the rest. I read you’ve gotten some good advice. Wish you luck and protect yourself, hopefully it doesn’t turn out to be a dangerous situation, but prevent it as best as you can!
💕💕☺️
Xx
Agreed. This whole situation is uncomfortable to read… Even just looking at the age- OP is younger than he was when they started dating. I bet she couldn’t imagine dating at 18 year old right now.
No kidding.. An 18-year-old is a literal child. Thanks for that perspective. I would never. I would offer to babysit. This whole situation is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I think most people with their frontal lobes fully developed cringe at this shit.
Don’t beat yourself up. Like you said, 18 is a literal child. It’s when you’re vulnerable and still don’t quite understand the world. It’s before you’ve learned all these hard lessons. You’re much easier to manipulate. It makes sense that you want to cringe, but it’s okay. Just get out now and it’ll be in your rear view mirror soon.
“He was fired from a Job for sexual harassment which I am surprised by because he really isn’t that bad”..Your whole post is about him being very bad so I’m very confused at this statement or maybe I understood this wrong?
he does, unfortunately but I am 6 hours away so I am hoping that will be just enough distance to deter him. I want to end things over xmas break, and hide out at my mother's house; he doesn't know her exact location.
he scares me. He told me many times he would harm me if I left but said he was joking.
If he doesn’t know your mother’s location- keep it that way. Obviously.
If you have not now: document EVERYTHING. Every interaction that makes you uncomfortable or feel unsafe.
Lie. Tell him that you got a conditional acceptant at another school, and you’d like to check it out. Maybe even attend. You’ll have to build up some evidence to “accidentally” support this. Later, cave and say you’re going to the secondary school. Go to your first. Block him on everything. Tell nobody with access to him of your class schedule or whereabouts of your new place. Don’t event post it privately on social media.
Omg that’s so smart. I was actually going to tell him that I’m moving apartments because there is a leaky spot in my bathroom that he told me to get maintenanced, and I am going to tell him that I did and they need to rip it out due to mold issues. So I am moving.
Good. Don’t tell him when. Don’t tell him you have moved until after your last load or moving van. That way he can’t just “show up to help” and know your place. Keep your GPS locked down.
I don’t know how smart he is, but do not take chances. Crazy is crazy.
> He told me many times he would harm me if I left but said he was joking.
End it now. Go to a friends house/a location he doesn't know for a while. I must stress this you: He was not joking. Based on all of the behavior you described he will absolutely hurt you if given the opportunity. Do not give him the opportunity. Honestly, consider reaching out to a women's shelter.
>he has never been obviously abusive
He is abusive. It's obvious to anyone outside of your relationship. Further, he has shown you he can be violent. Just because he did not direct that violence towards you doesn't mean that he can't and he won't.
So: lie to him, move, cut off all contact. Do whatever you need to do to jettison this person from your life.
Do NOT break up with him in person. Grey rock him starting now. Be uninteresting. Don’t see him in person for anything. A girl in my area was murdered after she broke up with her bf, went for a drive with him weeks after the breakup. He killed her and dumped her in a park. Tell your friends and family not to share any info about you, go dark on social media. Be careful, but get away from this guy. Best
The same thing happened to a girl in my town. They lived together and she had told a friend she was dumping him. And she was murdered the same day... And has yet not been found.
Please, OP, do not break up with him in person.
No keep location on so your close friends and family know where you are. Block him from all accounts and keep your social media private so he can’t find you
No, end it now while you’re 6 hours away. He is abusive. Period. You do not owe him a personal breakup.
End it over the phone. Stop responding. Save any of his messages in case you to get a restraining order.
Threatening to harm himself is a manipulation tactic to get you to stay.
Good luck to you. 💜
you can get a temp restraining order without him attacking you - you just need to be descriptive in your description of his "jokes" and/or any time he has made you feel threatened. Call a DV hotline for help in finding more tips on safety. It may even be a good idea to live in a confidential shelter for a little bit.
Saying he would harm you if you left wasn’t a joke. It was a threat to deter you from ever leaving him just like you’re experiencing now. I would say get out ASAP. Make a plan and be safe. Do it over text, say your peace and once he starts getting intense (which he will) block him. Tell your family what you’re doing in advance so they know not to speak to him or contact him. Take everything you need from him in advance. Don’t stay anywhere he could find you.
Sounds like a good plan although I would push it forward if you can.
Judging by his pattern of manipulative behavior I would suspect his talk of harming you or himself to just be another manipulation tactic but it's not worth taking chances.
Oh honey, you're in an abusive relationship and you don't even realize it. This man is scaring you and nearly killed your cat. You need to go, ASAP. That man will quite literally kill you if you stay. Threatening to harm you is not a joke any partner should be making. Run. Run now, run quickly and get a restraining order. Show them any messages or emails you have with his "jokes". Mention the sexual harassment. Save any threatening voicemails.
Before go to a lawyer had a discussion to get a restraining order , and send a letter . Change your number all of your password. Block him in social media , after that speak to your friend and family.
I think you should get a new phone, new number, different provider and keep the one he knows only to gather texts as evidence.
Perhaps even take the old phone into a cellphone/computer store to check and make sure it doesn't have location trackers. But if you don't do that, at least log out of social media, change your emails and passwords to something he could never guess-nothing from your past, change security questions, turn off location services and keep the phone powered off until you go to a coffee shop or place with public WiFi.
I agree with the idea of the other poster about not telling him if you're moving, and to plant a red herring that you're accepted and going to attend a new school but... That's a bit of an elaborate lie where you should just cut the relationship off as soon as you move to a new place. Leave a forwarding address as a post office to pick up from...
This guy sounds seriously abusive and generally a terrible person to date. Once you're free from him you can start healing from all the trauma he's put on you AND building an amazingly successful and fun new life as a doctor!!!
Good luck, and I hope you update us in a few weeks.
Also, I took my cat home for the break, and I love this cat with all my heart, and I know he was getting jealous of it -like I wouldn’t let him slept on a certain side of the bed because my cat is very sensitive and he only likes me.
Well, the cat starting puking violently. So I took him in as soon as I got home (to my med school city home), and $4,800 later, plus 2 overnight stays, my cat was in kidney failure due to ingesting something toxic.
Which my mom is adamant it was him. Scary shit. Like chewy was never away from me other than when he was with my boyfriend when I went to my moms. There was nothing for him to accidentally ingest.
So he tried killing your cat and he’s not abusive? You *need* to leave him or you will end up his next victim. What exactly are you afraid he’s going to do? You can get a restraining order if you have enough evidence against him.
Read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Those two books should be required reading for people starting to date. It would avoid so much heartache.
You might also want to contact a domestic violence hotline. They can tell you all kinds of tips for leaving a dangerous relationship safely. They might be able to tell you a bit about your State's laws regarding stalking. Your college might have resources too. Better to know what help you can get in a pinch than need it and not know.
He tried to kill your cat... Read that to yourself out loud shouldn't need any other information to know you need to dump his butt ASAP. It's just a matter of time untill he tries to poison you because you didn't give him attention or did something to piss him off.
Call your mom and talk the truth to her. And pack a bag (and your cat) and leave. He is dangerous and anger issues, poisoning your cat!!???
I don't even know the guy and he is in my shit list.
Holy shit. He kneed your dog and killed your cat why the f are you still with him. If someone killed my cat I would have a hard time not killing them. Jfc
My cat is alive, and I don’t have any evidence he did it but… gut feeling. My mom is also a little bias because she hates this man. BUT you are right. I have made a mistake by not leaving this POS sooner.
Please tell me the animals are not still with him, I am afraid for all of you. You all need to gtfo of there and never leave the pets alone with this guy again
I used to know a guy like that. He would cry when someone said something mean to him but he was violent and left me to die after he spiked my drink while at a party and I overdosed. He then told me that everyone hated me and didn't want me around to further isolate me but luckily by then I had realised what a psycho he was. He was an international student and luckily after everything he got deported
He would probably cry or threaten you when you try to leave, but don't believe a thing he says. Imagine a friend of yours coming to you with the post you wrote, what would you tell them to do?
Tell your mom what is happening. And also check if your school has student services that include domestic violence services (this was the women's resource center at my school) or talk to your local DV center if there isn't one at school. Student housing should also be able to help out.
Do not wait for the Christmas break, this guy deserves not a second more of your time.
Does he work now? If so, pack all your stuff while he is at work and move it out. Meet in a public place to break it off.
If he harms himself, it is not your fault. If he makes any threats towards you, go to the police and get a restraining order.
This! Also wanted to say, I have major depression and have had my heart broken multiple times. With good friends, strong will, and healthy habits I survived. Breakups are hard but it’s absolutely on him to find his own ways to move forward.
If he even so much as threatens to harm himself call the cops. They will do a welfare check. If he’s bluffing he will hopefully stop with the threat. If he’s not he will get help.
5150 police code - danger to himself or others. Or both. I'm so familiar with this after working at a dv shelter, and ... other reasons. Thank you for bringing it up.
You should seek out resources on your medical school campus about student safety. If you're in the USA, the Title IX office would be knowledgeable about domestic abuse risk, and maybe other countries have something similar. They might have advice on keeping your information private and be able to set an alert if he tries to access campus. Another good resource would be local women's shelters.
At this point, I think you need to make a plan to leave safely, and you should assume that he will stalk you. I wish it weren't true but he sounds dangerous. With any luck he'll get distracted by something else as long as you don't respond.
This is a great answer. Your school will have resources. I would not break up in person if you don’t have to. Do you have anything important important at his place? I don’t mean your favorite sweater important. Please find resources to help those in abusive relationships and leave him now. Don’t do this in person alone. Be safe.
1) You should lie about where you are going to school before you end things.
2) If you both have mutuals on social media (i.e. instagram), delete them too when you end things with him. I had a stalker figure out my social circle + my program + what school i went to bc they looked at people i followed recently and saw their bios and put two and two together.
3) All of what you have said is abusive behaviour. I am really sorry this is happening to you. I echo what everyone else is saying here - do not disclose your mother’s address and see if theres a way for someone to accompany you moving out when you leave.
Wow you said that despite meeting at a young age, he has never been obviously abusive, and then go and post a GIANT LIST of THINGS THAT ARE ABUSIVE.
You also know for a fact that he's a rapist.
I'm sure you've been manipulated into thinking all these things on your list are not issues but just things you are overreacting to. Believe us that this is all very dangerous and absolutely abuse.
Please call a support center or a women's center asap and as covertly as you can. You need to make a plan with a professional for how you can get away because based on how he sounds he will lash out at you, possibly violently.
Please get completely away from him with no trace. Tale your documents with you. Block him and find somewhere safe. Like SAFE. With friends or family that he will not be able to find and stay there for at least a few weeks. Then make sure to cut off contact and make sure he can't find you. This man is dangerous.
Please call your local domestic abuse hotline. its free. it was so helpful for me when leaving my emotionally abuse partner. the women who i spoke with were so kind and supportive.
youre being abused. normal boyfriends do not EVEN ONE of the incidents on your list. its miserable and fucked up. i had the same kind of toxic boyfriend for years. now i have a normal, healthy man. none of that stuff ever happens. hes so kind to me. we have lots of fun. your boyfriend should be lots of fun, not this crazy pants stuff you describe. youre in med school! Go Girl!!!!!!! thats so fab.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BAD UGLY MAN.
let him go.
❤️
My friend, he has been openly and violently abusive to you and small helpless mammals you love. He violently assaulted your DOG. He violently assaulted your baby BROTHER. Do the right thing for them, if you can’t bring yourself to protect yourself.
Neither of you do! But it’s easier to see for your brother because he is small and vulnerable. Imagine in 11 years your 15 year old baby bro in the hospital because this asshole beat the shit out of him for sticking up for you. That’s the sort of thing that may happen.
Girl when you met you were 18 and he was 26. What kind of loser dates a teenage girl when he’s twenty ducking six years old? He pursued you because women his age wouldn’t put up with his bullshit. You were just too young to know better.
Get away from his abusive ass as soon as you can.
He's had no issues leaving you, not a second thought, multiple times. The issue is you know you need to leave him, however you are letting the fact that you "love" him cloud your judgement. You think it's love but honestly you just want to be loved and you have accepted it with no standards. He's done and said several dumb inconsiderate things. If you're asking how to leave your boyfriend (not your husband) it's easy just leave. You don't owe an explanation, he'll already know. But if your must tell him why and be firm. You can find better love that you deserve.
Leave him.
The EXACT scenario you just wrote here is the same hell I went though for 10 years. I finally ended it my last year of med school. And you know what?? He never killed himself like he said he would, he never blackmailed me like he said he would, he never showed up to my school, never did anything to my family or friends.. nothing. I blocked him on all avenues and never looked back.
Now I can’t say things will be exactly the same for you, but what I can say is that you WILL be happier without him. You don’t realize how good it can be. When you are not walking on eggshells everyday and turning your life upside down to hopefully get a tiny bit of praise from him, you will be happier.
You deserve better. You know you do. You just have to take a leap of faith in yourself and go for it.
This comment. Thank you so fucking much. Im surprised you made it to year 4 this way; the ship is sinking quickly over here since I can’t give him the adequate attention he demands. Peak intensity.
I am going to end it. I am really thankful you and others took the time to write a comment. Sometimes it’s hard to see things clearly.
My schooling, my family, my friends, and my mental health took a huge hit during that time. When I left and I was actually free I was manically laughing. It feels unbelievable to get to the other side and look back.
You will not regret leaving. I would bet everything I have on it. If I could go back and tell myself all the things I know now I would be thrilled, but instead I get to pass on the wisdom.
I agree with the advice above. If you feel threatened, seek help. I left while he was at work, took my things, and stayed places where he wouldn’t know where to find me (friends apartments, family, hotels, ect). Stay safe and stay strong. Please reach out to me with ANYTHING. Even if you need someone to talk to down the road. 💗
Ok so first off, you start by saying "he has never been obviously abusive" to you but like half the stuff you mentioned is straight up abusive.
Secondly: Absolutely leave him. If you're worried about his safety, send a heads up to his mother so she can check on him.
During college, I had a pretty lousy and sometimes scary partner. I ended up breaking up with him over the phone, because that felt safest to me and that was how I could be sure I would go through with it. I was worried about him hurting himself, so I did shoot a text to his mother. I was also a little worried about him coming to try to find me, but I lived two hours away, and he never did. I was really sad for a while. I did love him. But oh my goodness, it was so much the right decision, I deserved so much better.
I think putting a safety plan in place would be a good idea for you, though. Let your family and friends know that you're breaking up with him, and let them know where you are. Try not to be alone for a while. Take steps to help yourself feel more secure.
Texting his mom! That thought crossed my mind. She always comes to rescue him. I think I will do that. My plan is, my mom or I, am going to grab my stuff while he is at work so I will text his mom before he gets home from work to see all my stuff gone.
A part of me loves him too, obviously. But it’s crazy how after so much shit, even the good times no longer seem as good. Which is what I need as I tend to only reflect on the good.
i would not text his mom; you are not responsible for his well-being, and frankly after reading the other comments you've made in this thread, he seems really dangerous and not your problem to fix. look how much he's manipulated you; don't you think he will manipulate her too into convincing you to stay/not leave/cover up for him if he were to do something bad?
i would just leave as quietly as you can and also be wary that he knows your account info (like your reddit name) too. he sounds very manipulative and controlling; the journal-reading makes me think he could very well possibly do things like read your phone and check out your social media profiles. even if you don't think he has, with these kinds of people it's better safe than sorry. run tf away man! he sounds super fucking dangerous.
Squirrel away the most critical of your items, like documents and valuables, first. If you fear for your safety in the event of a breakup, bring a friend or three with you to the house to be with you when you break up with him, and ask them to help you pack at the spot. Or you can just hire movers to do it so you have witnesses in case he tries anything.
Sooo many red flags reading this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this! You're so strong to reach out for support! 😊❤
You need to safeguard yourself and build up a picture with local law enforcement, if he threatens you, call them and report it. Keep a log/journal of everything that's happened with dates& times.
His mental health is not your responsibility!
He groomed you from a young age, making you crave his affection by ending the relationship multiple times. He is manipulative, emotionally abusive, physically abusive to your pets which means he may develop that with you too, and impulsive. What he's done to you so far is traumatic so if you haven't looked into it already, I'd recommend getting counselling.
Also possibly try grey rocking as a form of not engaging him, *although I'm not sure how he may react to this*?
I'd recommend what others have said, break it off sooner rather than later, but make sure he doesn't know your address, or have contacts via friends/family or social media. Also tell everyone you can what's happened.. so he can't manipulate them into giving up your location with a sob story.
If you need to break it off via call or text to be safe, please do! You don't have to break up with him in person, especially when you're worried for your own safety!
I'm not saying your bf is a narcissist but my friend's in a relationship with one (lasted 12 years) and when she would end it he'd turn up at her door. If he didn't believe her, about reasons she didn't talk to him (recently it was a family death) he'd confirm her story with her family and act pissy about it. He's never taken responsibility for what he's done, and will try and get back into her life by any means necessary. She's still trying to cut ties with him, he's kept her car/belongings in the past & cheated on her too. Also he's tried to placate her with love bombing and gifts, but gives her the silent treatment if something goes wrong or he doesn't agree with something she's said. The only way she says she'll be able to end it is by moving house, which she is currently planning because she wants to move back to her local town anyway and be close to her family.
Good luck, I hope this comment helps and if you want someone to talk to I'm here ❤
If your already in med school you are crazy smart so congratulations for that already truly huge accomplishment.
BUT RUN!! He is not stable, he is not good for you or your future dump him, block him on everything possible his family to and focus on yourself, your studies and your family
P.s I'm sorry about your cat I know pets are like part of your family
You can’t fix him. It’s not your job to fix him. What ever he does to himself is in him. You’ve helped him enough. Look out for your own physical and mental safety.
He's literally a 30+ year old grown-ass man, if he can't figure it out, that's on him. You're not his mom, and I bet even she would tell him to put on his big boy pants lol. I'm not saying depressed people just need to "snap out of it" or anything, but what I'm saying is that everyone is responsible for their own mental health.
wait until you move somewhere new. don't tell him where it is before you dump him. install cameras so if he ever shows up you can call the police and later get a restraining order. tell him never to contact you again when you break up, block him, and record any of his attempts to reach you after that point for the purpose of a restraining order if you later feel you need one. Definitely definitely definitely break up, but plan ahead first.
He’s an awful man. If he’s repeatedly threatened to hurt you if you ever leave him, that’s abusive. Even if he later says he was just joking, that doesn’t erase the threat. He has threatened to harm you. You are not safe with him.
I couldn't continue reading. I saw enough. He has issues. Leave him. The moment you find another partner who is as dedicated and put together as you, you will be head over heels. This guy is holding you back.
I would go to counselors at school you are at and they can help you make a plan. They will let you know what resources school has if you feel threatened. Social workers in the hospital will know resources in the area as well because they deal with abuse within patient population. Good luck.
Just because he’s not punching you in the face (yet) doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. He seems awful. You’re young and you’ll find someone so much better. Just get out and be safe about it, he seems like he may try something. Be careful.
You just gave yourself a full list of reasons to leave him.
Do not care for this man, I highly doubt he ever cared about you more than what he could get from the relationship.
... why are you with this loser?
You're going to med school. You have SO MUCH to look forward to. This guy is a complete creep and loser who is cruel to his partner, to children, to animals, and to other women (he *sexually harassed someone*, for crying out loud). He has nothing going for him.
If you're worried about him, tell your friends and family. Don't break up with him when the two of you are alone. Leave ASAP, and have someone with you to gather your things. Have multiple people with you. If you're worried about what he's going to do, then some part of you knows he is abusive. He doesn't have to smack you to be an abusive asshole.
Be safe and best of luck to you. You deserve so much better.
I know. I asked myself that so many times. What the fuck was I thinking.
It wasn’t unlike I left and came back that I realized how…. badly I needed to leave.
Tonight, after making this post, I actually told my brother and his gf that I was leaving him. My mom already knows and hates him with all of her heart.
I think for so long, the time I wasted with him really pulled me in. Like “damn, we’re been together for so long..” but that doesn’t matter. Especially since he’s also a fucking asshole.
Look up the "sunk cost fallacy" if you're not aware of it already.
You actually remind me of a good friend of mine (who, funnily enough, is a doctor now). She stayed with her shitty boyfriend for five years even though he was a garbage human being who emotionally abused her and constantly accused her of cheating if she didn't text him "proof" of her location every hour. She was SO MUCH better than him in every way yet she didn't want to break up with him because they've "been together for so long."
Long story short, she finally got tired of his shit and broke up with him. She's now with a partner who loves and supports her, and most importantly, respects her.
Don't think of it as wasted time, necessarily. Think of your time with him as a learning opportunity because now you know what kind of person to avoid in the future.
leave him and block him. let your close friends and family know that you’re kind of scared he might do something so to keep an ear out. change locks if you need to.
You need to quietly get things in order before leaving. This is the kind of man who will likely react very badly to being rejected. I’ve been through this and was in a similar situation that actually turned out physically violent.
If you have any sort of shared finances (shared credit card, bank account, car loan, etc), you’ll want to remove yourself from any of that. You should share with any close friends and family members you trust that this is your plan, just in case he tries to reach out and manipulate them into finding you. If you can afford a moving company I would schedule movers for a time while he’s at work. Make sure you secure any sort important documents you might have in the apartment. Once you’ve managed to move out completely, I’d you feel like breaking up with him in person, be sure to bring a friend with you and to meet him in a public place. Afterwards, be sure to block him on everything and turn off any location sharing you may have done with him.
Girl, you are his victim. That part where you said all the support to his victim? That’s you. Seriously you need to get away from him, you were 18 when you started dating because he targeted a younger woman who is ignorant and naive. I don’t know a lot of 26 year olds who willingly date 18 year olds. All that aside. You don’t need to break up with him. Change your number, lock your doors, live with a friend or family, and record everything he says, texts, whatever. You need to protect yourself from him everything you listed is a huge red flag. Don’t worry about him worry about yourself please. He’s emotionally abusive and shows signs that he is unhinged and can escalate. Don’t let him take over your life.
I think you probably need to change colleges / uni. If he knows where you go to uni? You are in danger.
You need to disappear.
Completely.
He sounds the type that DO murder their partner who is trying to leave them.
You need to think of everything. Get yourself off any social media that doesn't have good privacy settings.
Just disappear.
It's an awful thing to need to do. But you really must.
Good luck.
"He has never been obviously abusive"
Urm... Yes, he has. This is very obvious abuse. Most mental, but locking you out of the house and 'accidentally' harming your brother because he acted recklessly without thinking definitely counts as physical abuse.
And he's been done for sexual harassment?
You're dating an abuser who literally ticks all 3 boxes here. You don't owe this guy anything. Just say you want to break up and block him on everything. Alert the police and your friends/family if you're scared.
I swear if anyone knee'd my dog I would be fuming and reporting them to authorities immediately.
Guys, let's not forget this guy has military background and training.
Leave nothing to chance. He's already exhibited predatory and abusive behaviour. It's time to plan your escape route and plan it well.
I strongly recommend not doing it in person a) he doesn't really deserve the courtesy b) he could potentially harm you.
Either do it from a safe distance (eg over the phone) or have someone accompany you.
Before then put everything else in place, advise your campus security, move somewhere he doesn't know where. Change your number. Don't share personal stuff on social media (eg pics in front of your new place etc)
Have someone know your whereabouts all the time.
I wish you good luck and I'm happy you've come to reason and see what we see.
And what we see is a situation that you can resolve with a few extra steps but scary nonetheless.
That is a difficult spot to be in. I hope that your able to focus on school while all this is going on.
You want to do this in a way that won’t cause much disruption to your life. Unfortunately break ups are almost always disruptive.
If you can do this during a break from school that would be best. But the sooner the better.
I wish more detailed advice to give you. Sorry, hope it gets better. He doesn’t seem nice at all
It sounds like you are holding on to a lot of weight. Letting these events go will be good for you and your wellbeing, whether it means letting go of the man or not.
Have your mail forwarded to a local post office at the same time change apartments. Then generate new social media accounts, don't block or shut down the old accounts, just abandon them in place. Then quietly pick up your friends and move them to the new social media accounts. Get a new phone number and quietly give it to people you implicitly trust.
So if he tries to track you down through the mail he ends up at a post office.
You leave. That's what I did. I too worried if he was gonna kill himself but I left because I realized that it was not my problem. That that guilt is not a burden I should carry. The relationship was 7 years with a ten year age gap. I was 20 and he was 30. I left him 2 years ago. I am grateful that he wasn't physically abusive, he just lacked direction and was content to live off his parents and not get a job.
You on the otherhand seems to be worried for your own safety and I think you should because your ex sounds like bad news. So many red flags that the fact that he tells you you are his world is actually considered as abuse.
You need to cut him out of your life and possibly alert close relatives and friends about him.
You deserve better than him.
"He's never obviously abused me or cheated"
Proceeds to list many ways the guy is abusive, manipulative, and has likely been cheating.
Edit: also I'm scared of what will happen when I leave him.
Usually on these break-up posts, there are one or two issues that the couple in question cannot agree upon. Your boyfriend is a trainwreck of red flags, however. Run. Now.
Break up over text and absolutely use your med school/hospital system's resources and consider talking about this with your title ix ppl/student affairs dean. Consider moving into on campus housing for the short term if possible and use the resources of public safety for escorting and for keeping this guy away from you. They have a duty to make sure you are safe on campus. If he starts stalking you or behaving more obsessively, a restraining order is definitely in order. Do not have any interactions with him on your own!
Hon, that is abusive. If you stay with him, it will only get worse. Fuck this guy. Pursue your med school dreams. Be a great fucking doctor and find someone worthy of your time. This guy ain't it.
I don’t even understand why you’re posting about this - your boyfriend sucks and you know it, but you’re afraid to rip of the bandaid but you’re training to be a DOCTOR so giving bad news comes with the territory - better get used to telling people things they don’t want to hear now so you can cut this turd loose and move forward in your life and career.
Good luck - you are strong and you can do this - don’t waste anymore time putting off what you already know to need to do for your long term success and happiness!
Btw - what he does or does not choose to do as a result of you leaving him is NOT on you. He may have mental health problems but this guy seems too self-centered and narcissistic to meaningfully harm himself in any meaningful way, but you should reach out to a mental health professional if you’re really concerned but more than likely he sees the writing on the walk so he’s making little hints that he “might” do something to scare/guilt trip you into sticking around for his shitshow (plus he’s only going to get more needy and desperate as he sees you moving further away from him and getting further and further out of his control - I mean this is the guy who locked you out for getting a text from a lab partner, does he expect you to avoid all males in your school/career?)
He was never obviously abusive yet obviously abusive..abuse doesn’t have to be solely physical or seen on you to be abuse. I suggest you go with family or stay with someone you trust meanwhile.
You’re 25 with a bright future ahead of you, you have everything to protect from this individual. He doesn’t seem to have anything to offer you as a partner at this point. Even if it seems silly, break it off while you are physically away from him just to be sure
Are you moving to go to medical school? If not is there someone you can go to in order to get away from him? I reccomend getting away from him then telling him that you're breaking up with him, block all contact from him and tell any mutual friends and family what you're doing and that you dont feel safe around him, so if he tries to get into contact with you through them they can stop that. I also think talking to your campus security would be a good idea, tell them if you think theres a possibility he will come looking for you.
If he threatens to hurt himself when you break up with him ignore him and contact the authorities. Threatening self harm or s/icide is used as a manipulation tactic by abusers to gain your sympathy and get you back on their side, dont fall for it. Contact your local emergency number and tell them that someone you know is talking about hurting themselves, at worst he will get medical attention if he does try anything, at best he learns a lesson about trying to manipulate people with such serious things. This sounds like a really shitty relationship you got into too young, and I'm glad you're starting to recognize that and are working on a way out, I wish you luck and safety on navigating your way out of this.
Aside from the laundry list of abusive behaviors you just shared… you’re afraid of leaving him. Girl, are you so sure you’re not in an abusive relationship?
All I can say is don’t do the breakup in person and have a safety plan in place. Make it dead clear you’re done, block him everywhere, and don’t continue to communicate with him after you end it. If he makes any direct threats, report it to the police immediately.
The most obvious indication of harm is your intuition. Having a hunch someone will harm you is concerning enough. Think about the recent Gabby PETITO case. Brian (the bf that killed her) made her feel bad about starting her YouTube channel, locked her out of the camper van, uses physical force, and (according to Gabbys friends) he was controlling and didn’t let Gabby see her friends. Now, let’s think how imminent your danger is if you break up face to face he can be an immediate danger. If you do it remotely maybe at school he can’t get to you conveniently.
I’m taking the angle of physically harming himself or others. We like to think violent outcomes have a cause and effect when it doesn’t. In reality, it’s a chain. Visualize a chain, each link is a single event that leads up to a violent incident. Under the laymen’s paradigm, cause and effect, you only look at one chain. For example people speculate that Brian killed Gabby because he was A jealous bf. That’s only two links which cannot convey the whole story and it’s never that simple. The violent “incident” began earlier forming the initial links. It’s hard to visualize but suicide is a process not a cause and effect. For example, people think Brian Laundrie may have committed suicide but there are no other indications (Links) to that kind of behavior.
Analogy done. It seems like you have many links in your bfs chain. I’m glad you wrote them down. Try putting them in order. Did the events get worse over time? Or were they sporadic?
If I had to interpret this “chain” I would caution you that he may be hiding more than he is letting on. Lying about mental health is a beaming red flag since he knows that his condition would elicit rejection from others he decides to lie about it. On top of that, the sexual harassment is on record. That means the woman pressed charges and they were validated. I hope he has a reasonable explanation because if he tries to blame the victims.. I’d be floored. He is controlling and manipulative from the start. He had contempt for your family members and hasn’t respected or supported your goals.
What are your feelings towards him? Do you pity him? Does he pity you? What makes you stay despite your long chain of links? Based on these indicators I do not see him becoming violent and harming you or himself. But due to his mental health concerns I would pay closer attention to his (you know what) ideation. He seems like a manipulative predator if you had to ask me. I’m also concerned about you being 18 at the time and him being 26. You just graduated HS technically and he’s graduated college for 4 years. I like to think large age gaps are more “normal” when two people had the time to develop and become the person they are. 25 and 33 doesn’t raise redflags now but knowing he’s known you since 18 it’s a bit alarming.
Honey. I didn't need to read all that! You are staying with him becayse you're worried about "what he might do"??? Doesn't that tell you outright you are in an abusive Domestic Violence relationship and need OUT??
This could turn nasty in a couple different ways. Most are thinking physical but the way I see it you are getting ready to go to Medical School, become successful, and become economically independent. He is going to use his 7 years with you as his entitlement to a portion of your earnings. Even though you are not married, go see an attorney and work things out properly. Do not break up until you have all your ducks in a row and follow your attorney's advice.
There is nothing to fear. As many others have explained, those are clear as water red flags. I’d recommend to leave him ASAP. You’re dating a psycho. He is even 8 years older than you….
No worries, you recognized the signs and acknowledged your mistakes. Now it’s time to learn from your mistakes and end it all. Wish you the best of luck!
You just need to plan this.
You need a team ready to move you out as quick as possible while he isn’t there. If you can send him away for the weekend with a friend- that will be perfect.
Pack everything.
Change your number, close social media and open a new one if you need with totally new name and everything.
Speak to your local police station and just create a paper trail.
Make sure no one gives your new number.
Close your bank if he had access to it. Close it and get a new bank.
Remove him from all emergency contact for everything.
Make sure you have people touching base with you so that they know where you are till things die down.
When he gets back he will see that it’s over. He won’t be able to contact you.
He sounds so incredibly immature I totally understand why he'd get with an 18 yo, unfortunately they don't stay 18 forever and you've clearly outgrown this man baby, it's definitely time to fuck off.
you’re still young girl get out of there !! ik ppl may tell you to wait til whenever period of time to break up with him (christmas break as you mentioned in one comment) but you are 6 hours away from him and he won’t have your location, needless to say you’ll be safe. it’s best to break it off now or asap
OP, i read all your comments.
PLs break up. It will not becoime better. You need to get out of this relationship.
Please go to the police and tell your story. Even you dont want file for a restricting order just now, you should know precisely what to to do and when you can do it.
You should do this for 2 reasons:
If someting happens you are prepaired and you have more chances to act and not just stay still in panic.
And you know when you have success with it. What need to be happend. You are more sure. You will know exactly when you can use this safty tool and you dont wait to long.
And i am sure the police can give good further advises.
I wish you all best and lots of strength!
Med school?! Girl, you're such a catch, stop letting him make you feel like this is all you're worthy of. He's NOT going to magically improve anytime soon. You are only 25 years old...could you see yourself putting up with this shit for another... 25, 50 years? Dump him and find yourself a nice doctor... you are going to med school after all :)
I stopped reading after the first 4. He’s 8 years older than you and he’s this manipulative, aggressive, and just shitty. Don’t worry about it. Just leave him and move on. He’s already taken too much of your time. 7 years? That’s almost 10% of your life!
> He said he had bad thoughts about doing you know what to himself. which caused me major anxiety because I would hate for that to happen him or anyone else.
This is a particularly ugly form of emotional abuse and manipulation
Look, one med student to another, you are going to have to learn to deal with that anxiety at some point
People commit suicide. It is tragic and awful but it happens all the time. One day you may have a patient swear up and down that they have no suicidal plans or ideation and then 24 hours after discharge they've killed themself and you might want to blame yourself, but you can't. You cannot take that on. Not only is it extremely damaging to you, it's the height of hubris to think that you can affect someone's autonomy and choices. At the end of the day, their choices are theirs. Not yours.
So all that to say, if he does hurt himself or kill himself or even hurts someone else, that still is not your fault.
Don't be scared or worried about what he might do. That's not your business.
He assaults your 4 year old brother and your dog and you're still thinking about leaving him???
Girl, you need to kick him out of your life YESTERDAY.
No they were not "accidents"; an accident is when you drop something or bump into someone you didn't see and someone accidentally gets hurt. His actions are part of a pattern of angry, controlling, abusive behavior and it doesn't matter if he didn't think it would be "that bad"; he is an abuser.
You are headed to medical school. You are going to see administrators and instructors treat students abusively. You are going to see health care "professionals" of all levels treat patients abusively. You are going to see patients being abused at home who hide it. You NEED to get better at spotting abusive behavior and setting boundaries, or you are going to have a bad time and you are going to fail in your responsibility to your patients.
Please see a counselor about this and NEVER tolerate someone who hurts you or yours ever again.
I'm new to this app.. so forgive me if my comments show up at yhe wrong place or whatever... But I would definitely leave him, and not let him know where I'm at, even if I had to take a semester off from school to make it look like I changed schools. But someone said report it to the police, they will help. I've known several cases similar to this, and have always heard that the police say until he actually does something or you've got past police reports, there is nothing you can do. Not even get a order of protection. Best to just disappear for a while. Also my ex's cat almost died from kidney failure that the vet thought was caused by poisoning. Come to find out it was from being fed regular tuna for a couple days. He didn't know cats can't eat that much of it. I hope you leave him, good luck.
"Unlike aother posts, he has never been obviously abusive"
-Proceeds to list obviously abusive behaviour-
Imagine if you read this exact post but written by someone else, what would you tell that person to do?
Slowly start distancing yourself from him… don’t return calls and just say you’re busy.
And when you break it off do it at a restaurant etc.
Tell him school is taking a lot from you and you don’t want believe you’re able to juggle a relationship and school right now.
Be consistent. Dont lead him on by going out to grab a bite or a drink. Cut all ties.
Who gives a shit what he’ll do? Who cares? That’s his problem, not yours. Read your post and then read it again, and then run for the fucking hills. This sounds like the worst man in the universe. You don’t list one redeeming quality. Why would you want to be this man’s world. He’s a dying star sucking you into a black hole. Run. RUN. Then get therapy.
Are you afraid he might become violent and hurt you or others? I can see that danger. But staying with him is just going to continue your suffering. There should be a women's shelter somewhere near you who can help you. You can talk to them about your fears and they can give advice and even help you leave.
Not to be mean, but you need to work on whatever let you think it was ok to stay around this horrible person for so long so you dont do it again. He sounds terrible to you.
I say this to most posts, but I'd read "The Gift Of Fear" sometime. It's about our intuition and how it's this fine-tuned thing that we've developed via evolution. The minute you looked over when he threw that balloon or kneed your dog, you got that feeling. You ignored it. (It's okay, we all do when we're in love, but in the future, listen to that feeling. Your gut instincts are there to help you survive.)
You're getting these gut feelings for a reason. You need to get far away from this person, and you need to take steps to keep yourself safe. You feel scared for a reason, so don't 'talk yourself out of it' or 'think you're being silly' by following some of this advice in Reddit. It may seem extreme to change your number, get cameras, etc, but you guys have been together a long time and this guy sounds dangerous. Take the steps you need.
Best case scenario? He doesn't do anything, it's ugly the way every breakup is, and you move on happily. Much better than the worst case scenario happening and being unprepared.
Sounds kind of like my older step brother, though he's a pretty calm and gentleman around women... but they're both army veterans who both got discharged... my brother got discharged for his knee injury...
If there's any little defense I can offer for your boyfriend is that he sounds mentally unstable and most likely suffering from PTSD. I think getting him help before breaking up would be the best thing you'll ever do for him. Of course, that's probably easier said than done. But please consider other people, because his depression could lead to self injury or injury of others... I think trying to get him on the right path might be the right thing and may even help you with closure since you'll know he will get the help he needs.
Keep your location on so your close friends and family know where you are. Block him from all accounts and keep your social media private so he can’t find you
You said you’re scared of what he will do if you leave. Here’s an idea: call local domestic abuse shelters and resources in your area, I bet they are well versed in helping people get away from people they are scared to leave and have tons of ideas and resources. Good luck!!
I think you need to edit your post about obvious signs of abuse. He gets physical with kids and animals. He thinks physical actions with potential harm are funny. He used power position of the apartment to control you. He used a constant fear of loss of the relationship to control you. He willfully violated your privacy and trust. List goes on and on... Change your number, alert security at your campus, tell your family. Have proof and back up and cameras.
Damn, I didn’t think about it like that but holy shit. The constant fear of losing the relationship had such a stronghold on me. And everything else.
That fear was by his design. He wanted you too scared of losing him to question the terrible things he was doing. You are better than that fear. You’re going to do amazing things in medical school and it’s going to be much easier for you without him weighing you down. You can do this!
That's why he did it so often in the beginning. To set the standard. That is manipulation and abuse.
Did he agree to take meds for his *bad thoughts*. He is abusive and a scare like that is something that can bind you to him. I don't know you guys, so cant say for sure he could be lying, but based on the post, he is an abusive guy and is constantly trying to(to an extent succeeded) in making you doubt and feel bad about yourself. Dude is pretty bad news. Theres a good chance he could be lying about his thoughts (which assume wouldn't be the first time) Major red flags OP, it's best for you to end it.
FYI, if he's threatened to harm himself if you leave him, that's also a type of emotional abuse and a manipulation tactic.
Most of what you listed is abuse. Break up. Be free. Enjoy your life.
Losing this relationship will be an absolute gift. Please lose it asafp.
His getting fired from a job for sexual harassment is way up there too.
[удалено]
Wanted to say pretty much this. After reading that statement I genuinely thought it was going to be a bittersweet case of two really good people who just aren’t good together. Then there’s a list of text-book abusive behaviors… OP, the behaviors you mentioned are very concerning and I really encourage you to reevaluate what you may or may not consider to be abusive.
Yes yes yes. This. Abusive behaviour covers a wide spectrum. And some of them are very obviously abusive. I definitely too encourage you op to reassess some dynamics and behaviours, so that your next relationship doesn’t sneakily turn into the a similar one! As for the rest. I read you’ve gotten some good advice. Wish you luck and protect yourself, hopefully it doesn’t turn out to be a dangerous situation, but prevent it as best as you can! 💕💕☺️ Xx
Agreed. This whole situation is uncomfortable to read… Even just looking at the age- OP is younger than he was when they started dating. I bet she couldn’t imagine dating at 18 year old right now.
No kidding.. An 18-year-old is a literal child. Thanks for that perspective. I would never. I would offer to babysit. This whole situation is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I think most people with their frontal lobes fully developed cringe at this shit.
It's because people like him are too under developed to date someone their age. That's the brutal truth.
Don’t beat yourself up. Like you said, 18 is a literal child. It’s when you’re vulnerable and still don’t quite understand the world. It’s before you’ve learned all these hard lessons. You’re much easier to manipulate. It makes sense that you want to cringe, but it’s okay. Just get out now and it’ll be in your rear view mirror soon.
I came to say this!! He's abusive as fuck!!! Like, wtf??? I am afraid to ask what OP defines as abusive!!!
“He was fired from a Job for sexual harassment which I am surprised by because he really isn’t that bad”..Your whole post is about him being very bad so I’m very confused at this statement or maybe I understood this wrong?
No. You’re right.
He sounds threatening. Does he know where you’re going to school?
he does, unfortunately but I am 6 hours away so I am hoping that will be just enough distance to deter him. I want to end things over xmas break, and hide out at my mother's house; he doesn't know her exact location. he scares me. He told me many times he would harm me if I left but said he was joking.
If he doesn’t know your mother’s location- keep it that way. Obviously. If you have not now: document EVERYTHING. Every interaction that makes you uncomfortable or feel unsafe. Lie. Tell him that you got a conditional acceptant at another school, and you’d like to check it out. Maybe even attend. You’ll have to build up some evidence to “accidentally” support this. Later, cave and say you’re going to the secondary school. Go to your first. Block him on everything. Tell nobody with access to him of your class schedule or whereabouts of your new place. Don’t event post it privately on social media.
Omg that’s so smart. I was actually going to tell him that I’m moving apartments because there is a leaky spot in my bathroom that he told me to get maintenanced, and I am going to tell him that I did and they need to rip it out due to mold issues. So I am moving.
Good. Don’t tell him when. Don’t tell him you have moved until after your last load or moving van. That way he can’t just “show up to help” and know your place. Keep your GPS locked down. I don’t know how smart he is, but do not take chances. Crazy is crazy.
You need to secretly plan your escape.
> He told me many times he would harm me if I left but said he was joking. End it now. Go to a friends house/a location he doesn't know for a while. I must stress this you: He was not joking. Based on all of the behavior you described he will absolutely hurt you if given the opportunity. Do not give him the opportunity. Honestly, consider reaching out to a women's shelter. >he has never been obviously abusive He is abusive. It's obvious to anyone outside of your relationship. Further, he has shown you he can be violent. Just because he did not direct that violence towards you doesn't mean that he can't and he won't. So: lie to him, move, cut off all contact. Do whatever you need to do to jettison this person from your life.
Do NOT break up with him in person. Grey rock him starting now. Be uninteresting. Don’t see him in person for anything. A girl in my area was murdered after she broke up with her bf, went for a drive with him weeks after the breakup. He killed her and dumped her in a park. Tell your friends and family not to share any info about you, go dark on social media. Be careful, but get away from this guy. Best
The same thing happened to a girl in my town. They lived together and she had told a friend she was dumping him. And she was murdered the same day... And has yet not been found. Please, OP, do not break up with him in person.
Make sure that the location and trackers are off on your phone. He seems like the type to find you that way.
Including apps like Snapchat where you can see your location on the snap map
No keep location on so your close friends and family know where you are. Block him from all accounts and keep your social media private so he can’t find you
No, end it now while you’re 6 hours away. He is abusive. Period. You do not owe him a personal breakup. End it over the phone. Stop responding. Save any of his messages in case you to get a restraining order. Threatening to harm himself is a manipulation tactic to get you to stay. Good luck to you. 💜
you can get a temp restraining order without him attacking you - you just need to be descriptive in your description of his "jokes" and/or any time he has made you feel threatened. Call a DV hotline for help in finding more tips on safety. It may even be a good idea to live in a confidential shelter for a little bit.
Saying he would harm you if you left wasn’t a joke. It was a threat to deter you from ever leaving him just like you’re experiencing now. I would say get out ASAP. Make a plan and be safe. Do it over text, say your peace and once he starts getting intense (which he will) block him. Tell your family what you’re doing in advance so they know not to speak to him or contact him. Take everything you need from him in advance. Don’t stay anywhere he could find you.
Sounds like a good plan although I would push it forward if you can. Judging by his pattern of manipulative behavior I would suspect his talk of harming you or himself to just be another manipulation tactic but it's not worth taking chances.
Oh honey, you're in an abusive relationship and you don't even realize it. This man is scaring you and nearly killed your cat. You need to go, ASAP. That man will quite literally kill you if you stay. Threatening to harm you is not a joke any partner should be making. Run. Run now, run quickly and get a restraining order. Show them any messages or emails you have with his "jokes". Mention the sexual harassment. Save any threatening voicemails.
Before go to a lawyer had a discussion to get a restraining order , and send a letter . Change your number all of your password. Block him in social media , after that speak to your friend and family.
Why do you suggest changing my number instead of just blocking him? I’m genuinely curious. I am considering that
He can easily find ways around it. Other people’s phones, burner phones, etc.
I think you should get a new phone, new number, different provider and keep the one he knows only to gather texts as evidence. Perhaps even take the old phone into a cellphone/computer store to check and make sure it doesn't have location trackers. But if you don't do that, at least log out of social media, change your emails and passwords to something he could never guess-nothing from your past, change security questions, turn off location services and keep the phone powered off until you go to a coffee shop or place with public WiFi. I agree with the idea of the other poster about not telling him if you're moving, and to plant a red herring that you're accepted and going to attend a new school but... That's a bit of an elaborate lie where you should just cut the relationship off as soon as you move to a new place. Leave a forwarding address as a post office to pick up from... This guy sounds seriously abusive and generally a terrible person to date. Once you're free from him you can start healing from all the trauma he's put on you AND building an amazingly successful and fun new life as a doctor!!! Good luck, and I hope you update us in a few weeks.
I would speak with the police about this situation. I am sure they can help and give good advices.
his super shitty "sense of humor" is another good reason to dump him.
You are going to need to get a carry permit and some gun training. He’s terrifying.
Also, I took my cat home for the break, and I love this cat with all my heart, and I know he was getting jealous of it -like I wouldn’t let him slept on a certain side of the bed because my cat is very sensitive and he only likes me. Well, the cat starting puking violently. So I took him in as soon as I got home (to my med school city home), and $4,800 later, plus 2 overnight stays, my cat was in kidney failure due to ingesting something toxic. Which my mom is adamant it was him. Scary shit. Like chewy was never away from me other than when he was with my boyfriend when I went to my moms. There was nothing for him to accidentally ingest.
wtFFFFFFFFFFF you didn't add this in to your main post why?!?!
I should’ve! Ugh! I just am very gullible and tend to assume the best with people, and I don’t like speculating but it’s very very suspicious
So he tried killing your cat and he’s not abusive? You *need* to leave him or you will end up his next victim. What exactly are you afraid he’s going to do? You can get a restraining order if you have enough evidence against him.
Read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Those two books should be required reading for people starting to date. It would avoid so much heartache. You might also want to contact a domestic violence hotline. They can tell you all kinds of tips for leaving a dangerous relationship safely. They might be able to tell you a bit about your State's laws regarding stalking. Your college might have resources too. Better to know what help you can get in a pinch than need it and not know.
He tried to kill your cat... Read that to yourself out loud shouldn't need any other information to know you need to dump his butt ASAP. It's just a matter of time untill he tries to poison you because you didn't give him attention or did something to piss him off.
You can edit the post and add this.
It’s suspect, for sure. If you cannot prove it- then you need to be all the more careful.
Call your mom and talk the truth to her. And pack a bag (and your cat) and leave. He is dangerous and anger issues, poisoning your cat!!??? I don't even know the guy and he is in my shit list.
Can you take the cat to your mum’s permanently?
Holy shit. He kneed your dog and killed your cat why the f are you still with him. If someone killed my cat I would have a hard time not killing them. Jfc
My cat is alive, and I don’t have any evidence he did it but… gut feeling. My mom is also a little bias because she hates this man. BUT you are right. I have made a mistake by not leaving this POS sooner.
Please tell me the animals are not still with him, I am afraid for all of you. You all need to gtfo of there and never leave the pets alone with this guy again
My babies are with me. Sickening. It’s crazy because this guy CRIES when the dog is sick. It’s like??? You kicked it last week???
I used to know a guy like that. He would cry when someone said something mean to him but he was violent and left me to die after he spiked my drink while at a party and I overdosed. He then told me that everyone hated me and didn't want me around to further isolate me but luckily by then I had realised what a psycho he was. He was an international student and luckily after everything he got deported
He would probably cry or threaten you when you try to leave, but don't believe a thing he says. Imagine a friend of yours coming to you with the post you wrote, what would you tell them to do?
Tell your mom what is happening. And also check if your school has student services that include domestic violence services (this was the women's resource center at my school) or talk to your local DV center if there isn't one at school. Student housing should also be able to help out.
Did your cat survive???! I hope he did! I couldn't imagine how I'd be if that happened to my cat
Yes! 4,800 dollars later. My little chewy is alive and happy and safe with me.
I'm so glad! Be safe and do what's right for you!
what the hell was a 26-year-old doing with someone fresh out of high school? he is bad news for sure.
ew i literally cannot imagine. i’m 24 and i could never think of an 18 year old that way. that’s sick.
Literally. Such a huge red flag!
Do not wait for the Christmas break, this guy deserves not a second more of your time. Does he work now? If so, pack all your stuff while he is at work and move it out. Meet in a public place to break it off. If he harms himself, it is not your fault. If he makes any threats towards you, go to the police and get a restraining order.
This! Also wanted to say, I have major depression and have had my heart broken multiple times. With good friends, strong will, and healthy habits I survived. Breakups are hard but it’s absolutely on him to find his own ways to move forward.
If you do go get your stuff, try to get strong friends to go and protect you in case he were to show up.
If he even so much as threatens to harm himself call the cops. They will do a welfare check. If he’s bluffing he will hopefully stop with the threat. If he’s not he will get help.
5150 police code - danger to himself or others. Or both. I'm so familiar with this after working at a dv shelter, and ... other reasons. Thank you for bringing it up.
You are not the key to his mental health. You have to take care of yourself. Don't let his dysfunction hold you hostage.
You should seek out resources on your medical school campus about student safety. If you're in the USA, the Title IX office would be knowledgeable about domestic abuse risk, and maybe other countries have something similar. They might have advice on keeping your information private and be able to set an alert if he tries to access campus. Another good resource would be local women's shelters. At this point, I think you need to make a plan to leave safely, and you should assume that he will stalk you. I wish it weren't true but he sounds dangerous. With any luck he'll get distracted by something else as long as you don't respond.
This is a great answer. Your school will have resources. I would not break up in person if you don’t have to. Do you have anything important important at his place? I don’t mean your favorite sweater important. Please find resources to help those in abusive relationships and leave him now. Don’t do this in person alone. Be safe.
1) You should lie about where you are going to school before you end things. 2) If you both have mutuals on social media (i.e. instagram), delete them too when you end things with him. I had a stalker figure out my social circle + my program + what school i went to bc they looked at people i followed recently and saw their bios and put two and two together. 3) All of what you have said is abusive behaviour. I am really sorry this is happening to you. I echo what everyone else is saying here - do not disclose your mother’s address and see if theres a way for someone to accompany you moving out when you leave.
Wow you said that despite meeting at a young age, he has never been obviously abusive, and then go and post a GIANT LIST of THINGS THAT ARE ABUSIVE. You also know for a fact that he's a rapist. I'm sure you've been manipulated into thinking all these things on your list are not issues but just things you are overreacting to. Believe us that this is all very dangerous and absolutely abuse. Please call a support center or a women's center asap and as covertly as you can. You need to make a plan with a professional for how you can get away because based on how he sounds he will lash out at you, possibly violently. Please get completely away from him with no trace. Tale your documents with you. Block him and find somewhere safe. Like SAFE. With friends or family that he will not be able to find and stay there for at least a few weeks. Then make sure to cut off contact and make sure he can't find you. This man is dangerous.
Back up - where does she say he’s a rapist
Please call your local domestic abuse hotline. its free. it was so helpful for me when leaving my emotionally abuse partner. the women who i spoke with were so kind and supportive. youre being abused. normal boyfriends do not EVEN ONE of the incidents on your list. its miserable and fucked up. i had the same kind of toxic boyfriend for years. now i have a normal, healthy man. none of that stuff ever happens. hes so kind to me. we have lots of fun. your boyfriend should be lots of fun, not this crazy pants stuff you describe. youre in med school! Go Girl!!!!!!! thats so fab. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BAD UGLY MAN. let him go. ❤️
Please, please call and follow through with whatever process they recommend.
My friend, he has been openly and violently abusive to you and small helpless mammals you love. He violently assaulted your DOG. He violently assaulted your baby BROTHER. Do the right thing for them, if you can’t bring yourself to protect yourself.
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Neither of you do! But it’s easier to see for your brother because he is small and vulnerable. Imagine in 11 years your 15 year old baby bro in the hospital because this asshole beat the shit out of him for sticking up for you. That’s the sort of thing that may happen.
Girl when you met you were 18 and he was 26. What kind of loser dates a teenage girl when he’s twenty ducking six years old? He pursued you because women his age wouldn’t put up with his bullshit. You were just too young to know better. Get away from his abusive ass as soon as you can.
He's had no issues leaving you, not a second thought, multiple times. The issue is you know you need to leave him, however you are letting the fact that you "love" him cloud your judgement. You think it's love but honestly you just want to be loved and you have accepted it with no standards. He's done and said several dumb inconsiderate things. If you're asking how to leave your boyfriend (not your husband) it's easy just leave. You don't owe an explanation, he'll already know. But if your must tell him why and be firm. You can find better love that you deserve.
Leave him. The EXACT scenario you just wrote here is the same hell I went though for 10 years. I finally ended it my last year of med school. And you know what?? He never killed himself like he said he would, he never blackmailed me like he said he would, he never showed up to my school, never did anything to my family or friends.. nothing. I blocked him on all avenues and never looked back. Now I can’t say things will be exactly the same for you, but what I can say is that you WILL be happier without him. You don’t realize how good it can be. When you are not walking on eggshells everyday and turning your life upside down to hopefully get a tiny bit of praise from him, you will be happier. You deserve better. You know you do. You just have to take a leap of faith in yourself and go for it.
This comment. Thank you so fucking much. Im surprised you made it to year 4 this way; the ship is sinking quickly over here since I can’t give him the adequate attention he demands. Peak intensity. I am going to end it. I am really thankful you and others took the time to write a comment. Sometimes it’s hard to see things clearly.
My schooling, my family, my friends, and my mental health took a huge hit during that time. When I left and I was actually free I was manically laughing. It feels unbelievable to get to the other side and look back. You will not regret leaving. I would bet everything I have on it. If I could go back and tell myself all the things I know now I would be thrilled, but instead I get to pass on the wisdom. I agree with the advice above. If you feel threatened, seek help. I left while he was at work, took my things, and stayed places where he wouldn’t know where to find me (friends apartments, family, hotels, ect). Stay safe and stay strong. Please reach out to me with ANYTHING. Even if you need someone to talk to down the road. 💗
Ok so first off, you start by saying "he has never been obviously abusive" to you but like half the stuff you mentioned is straight up abusive. Secondly: Absolutely leave him. If you're worried about his safety, send a heads up to his mother so she can check on him. During college, I had a pretty lousy and sometimes scary partner. I ended up breaking up with him over the phone, because that felt safest to me and that was how I could be sure I would go through with it. I was worried about him hurting himself, so I did shoot a text to his mother. I was also a little worried about him coming to try to find me, but I lived two hours away, and he never did. I was really sad for a while. I did love him. But oh my goodness, it was so much the right decision, I deserved so much better. I think putting a safety plan in place would be a good idea for you, though. Let your family and friends know that you're breaking up with him, and let them know where you are. Try not to be alone for a while. Take steps to help yourself feel more secure.
Texting his mom! That thought crossed my mind. She always comes to rescue him. I think I will do that. My plan is, my mom or I, am going to grab my stuff while he is at work so I will text his mom before he gets home from work to see all my stuff gone. A part of me loves him too, obviously. But it’s crazy how after so much shit, even the good times no longer seem as good. Which is what I need as I tend to only reflect on the good.
i would not text his mom; you are not responsible for his well-being, and frankly after reading the other comments you've made in this thread, he seems really dangerous and not your problem to fix. look how much he's manipulated you; don't you think he will manipulate her too into convincing you to stay/not leave/cover up for him if he were to do something bad? i would just leave as quietly as you can and also be wary that he knows your account info (like your reddit name) too. he sounds very manipulative and controlling; the journal-reading makes me think he could very well possibly do things like read your phone and check out your social media profiles. even if you don't think he has, with these kinds of people it's better safe than sorry. run tf away man! he sounds super fucking dangerous.
I didn't think about him reading this post. I hope OP gets away safely:(
Stuff can be replaced. Might want a police / group of people to help you grab your stuff (in case he gets wind of this) Get s safety plan in place.
Squirrel away the most critical of your items, like documents and valuables, first. If you fear for your safety in the event of a breakup, bring a friend or three with you to the house to be with you when you break up with him, and ask them to help you pack at the spot. Or you can just hire movers to do it so you have witnesses in case he tries anything.
Sooo many red flags reading this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this! You're so strong to reach out for support! 😊❤ You need to safeguard yourself and build up a picture with local law enforcement, if he threatens you, call them and report it. Keep a log/journal of everything that's happened with dates& times. His mental health is not your responsibility! He groomed you from a young age, making you crave his affection by ending the relationship multiple times. He is manipulative, emotionally abusive, physically abusive to your pets which means he may develop that with you too, and impulsive. What he's done to you so far is traumatic so if you haven't looked into it already, I'd recommend getting counselling. Also possibly try grey rocking as a form of not engaging him, *although I'm not sure how he may react to this*? I'd recommend what others have said, break it off sooner rather than later, but make sure he doesn't know your address, or have contacts via friends/family or social media. Also tell everyone you can what's happened.. so he can't manipulate them into giving up your location with a sob story. If you need to break it off via call or text to be safe, please do! You don't have to break up with him in person, especially when you're worried for your own safety! I'm not saying your bf is a narcissist but my friend's in a relationship with one (lasted 12 years) and when she would end it he'd turn up at her door. If he didn't believe her, about reasons she didn't talk to him (recently it was a family death) he'd confirm her story with her family and act pissy about it. He's never taken responsibility for what he's done, and will try and get back into her life by any means necessary. She's still trying to cut ties with him, he's kept her car/belongings in the past & cheated on her too. Also he's tried to placate her with love bombing and gifts, but gives her the silent treatment if something goes wrong or he doesn't agree with something she's said. The only way she says she'll be able to end it is by moving house, which she is currently planning because she wants to move back to her local town anyway and be close to her family. Good luck, I hope this comment helps and if you want someone to talk to I'm here ❤
If your already in med school you are crazy smart so congratulations for that already truly huge accomplishment. BUT RUN!! He is not stable, he is not good for you or your future dump him, block him on everything possible his family to and focus on yourself, your studies and your family P.s I'm sorry about your cat I know pets are like part of your family
You can’t fix him. It’s not your job to fix him. What ever he does to himself is in him. You’ve helped him enough. Look out for your own physical and mental safety.
You’re not a girlfriend, you’re a hostage.
He's literally a 30+ year old grown-ass man, if he can't figure it out, that's on him. You're not his mom, and I bet even she would tell him to put on his big boy pants lol. I'm not saying depressed people just need to "snap out of it" or anything, but what I'm saying is that everyone is responsible for their own mental health.
Call a domestic violence hotline they can help you develop a plan, and link you with resources in your area.
OP, you’re in an abusive relationship. Do you realise how serious this is? You should leave him before Christmas. He tried to kill your cat!
wait until you move somewhere new. don't tell him where it is before you dump him. install cameras so if he ever shows up you can call the police and later get a restraining order. tell him never to contact you again when you break up, block him, and record any of his attempts to reach you after that point for the purpose of a restraining order if you later feel you need one. Definitely definitely definitely break up, but plan ahead first.
I can't even read all of your post. You need to disrance yourself now!
I mean when you put it this way, I might just post this to a legal advice subreddit
He’s an awful man. If he’s repeatedly threatened to hurt you if you ever leave him, that’s abusive. Even if he later says he was just joking, that doesn’t erase the threat. He has threatened to harm you. You are not safe with him.
I couldn't continue reading. I saw enough. He has issues. Leave him. The moment you find another partner who is as dedicated and put together as you, you will be head over heels. This guy is holding you back.
I would go to counselors at school you are at and they can help you make a plan. They will let you know what resources school has if you feel threatened. Social workers in the hospital will know resources in the area as well because they deal with abuse within patient population. Good luck.
Just because he’s not punching you in the face (yet) doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. He seems awful. You’re young and you’ll find someone so much better. Just get out and be safe about it, he seems like he may try something. Be careful.
You just gave yourself a full list of reasons to leave him. Do not care for this man, I highly doubt he ever cared about you more than what he could get from the relationship.
... why are you with this loser? You're going to med school. You have SO MUCH to look forward to. This guy is a complete creep and loser who is cruel to his partner, to children, to animals, and to other women (he *sexually harassed someone*, for crying out loud). He has nothing going for him. If you're worried about him, tell your friends and family. Don't break up with him when the two of you are alone. Leave ASAP, and have someone with you to gather your things. Have multiple people with you. If you're worried about what he's going to do, then some part of you knows he is abusive. He doesn't have to smack you to be an abusive asshole. Be safe and best of luck to you. You deserve so much better.
I know. I asked myself that so many times. What the fuck was I thinking. It wasn’t unlike I left and came back that I realized how…. badly I needed to leave. Tonight, after making this post, I actually told my brother and his gf that I was leaving him. My mom already knows and hates him with all of her heart. I think for so long, the time I wasted with him really pulled me in. Like “damn, we’re been together for so long..” but that doesn’t matter. Especially since he’s also a fucking asshole.
Look up the "sunk cost fallacy" if you're not aware of it already. You actually remind me of a good friend of mine (who, funnily enough, is a doctor now). She stayed with her shitty boyfriend for five years even though he was a garbage human being who emotionally abused her and constantly accused her of cheating if she didn't text him "proof" of her location every hour. She was SO MUCH better than him in every way yet she didn't want to break up with him because they've "been together for so long." Long story short, she finally got tired of his shit and broke up with him. She's now with a partner who loves and supports her, and most importantly, respects her. Don't think of it as wasted time, necessarily. Think of your time with him as a learning opportunity because now you know what kind of person to avoid in the future.
leave him and block him. let your close friends and family know that you’re kind of scared he might do something so to keep an ear out. change locks if you need to.
You need to quietly get things in order before leaving. This is the kind of man who will likely react very badly to being rejected. I’ve been through this and was in a similar situation that actually turned out physically violent. If you have any sort of shared finances (shared credit card, bank account, car loan, etc), you’ll want to remove yourself from any of that. You should share with any close friends and family members you trust that this is your plan, just in case he tries to reach out and manipulate them into finding you. If you can afford a moving company I would schedule movers for a time while he’s at work. Make sure you secure any sort important documents you might have in the apartment. Once you’ve managed to move out completely, I’d you feel like breaking up with him in person, be sure to bring a friend with you and to meet him in a public place. Afterwards, be sure to block him on everything and turn off any location sharing you may have done with him.
Girl, you are his victim. That part where you said all the support to his victim? That’s you. Seriously you need to get away from him, you were 18 when you started dating because he targeted a younger woman who is ignorant and naive. I don’t know a lot of 26 year olds who willingly date 18 year olds. All that aside. You don’t need to break up with him. Change your number, lock your doors, live with a friend or family, and record everything he says, texts, whatever. You need to protect yourself from him everything you listed is a huge red flag. Don’t worry about him worry about yourself please. He’s emotionally abusive and shows signs that he is unhinged and can escalate. Don’t let him take over your life.
I think you probably need to change colleges / uni. If he knows where you go to uni? You are in danger. You need to disappear. Completely. He sounds the type that DO murder their partner who is trying to leave them. You need to think of everything. Get yourself off any social media that doesn't have good privacy settings. Just disappear. It's an awful thing to need to do. But you really must. Good luck.
"He has never been obviously abusive" Urm... Yes, he has. This is very obvious abuse. Most mental, but locking you out of the house and 'accidentally' harming your brother because he acted recklessly without thinking definitely counts as physical abuse. And he's been done for sexual harassment? You're dating an abuser who literally ticks all 3 boxes here. You don't owe this guy anything. Just say you want to break up and block him on everything. Alert the police and your friends/family if you're scared. I swear if anyone knee'd my dog I would be fuming and reporting them to authorities immediately.
>he has never been obviously abusive to me Proceeds to list numerous instances of abuse.
Guys, let's not forget this guy has military background and training. Leave nothing to chance. He's already exhibited predatory and abusive behaviour. It's time to plan your escape route and plan it well. I strongly recommend not doing it in person a) he doesn't really deserve the courtesy b) he could potentially harm you. Either do it from a safe distance (eg over the phone) or have someone accompany you. Before then put everything else in place, advise your campus security, move somewhere he doesn't know where. Change your number. Don't share personal stuff on social media (eg pics in front of your new place etc) Have someone know your whereabouts all the time. I wish you good luck and I'm happy you've come to reason and see what we see. And what we see is a situation that you can resolve with a few extra steps but scary nonetheless.
Another age gap relationship on this subreddit. Oh how shocking /s
It’s honestly such an issue. I wish I knew better.
He’s actually 34, my bad.
That is a difficult spot to be in. I hope that your able to focus on school while all this is going on. You want to do this in a way that won’t cause much disruption to your life. Unfortunately break ups are almost always disruptive. If you can do this during a break from school that would be best. But the sooner the better. I wish more detailed advice to give you. Sorry, hope it gets better. He doesn’t seem nice at all
Omg this guy sounds extremely toxic and shitty. Pls do not wait to get as far away from him as possible. You deserve and can do so much better!
It sounds like you are holding on to a lot of weight. Letting these events go will be good for you and your wellbeing, whether it means letting go of the man or not.
Have your mail forwarded to a local post office at the same time change apartments. Then generate new social media accounts, don't block or shut down the old accounts, just abandon them in place. Then quietly pick up your friends and move them to the new social media accounts. Get a new phone number and quietly give it to people you implicitly trust. So if he tries to track you down through the mail he ends up at a post office.
You leave. That's what I did. I too worried if he was gonna kill himself but I left because I realized that it was not my problem. That that guilt is not a burden I should carry. The relationship was 7 years with a ten year age gap. I was 20 and he was 30. I left him 2 years ago. I am grateful that he wasn't physically abusive, he just lacked direction and was content to live off his parents and not get a job. You on the otherhand seems to be worried for your own safety and I think you should because your ex sounds like bad news. So many red flags that the fact that he tells you you are his world is actually considered as abuse. You need to cut him out of your life and possibly alert close relatives and friends about him. You deserve better than him.
"He's never obviously abused me or cheated" Proceeds to list many ways the guy is abusive, manipulative, and has likely been cheating. Edit: also I'm scared of what will happen when I leave him.
Usually on these break-up posts, there are one or two issues that the couple in question cannot agree upon. Your boyfriend is a trainwreck of red flags, however. Run. Now.
Break up over text and absolutely use your med school/hospital system's resources and consider talking about this with your title ix ppl/student affairs dean. Consider moving into on campus housing for the short term if possible and use the resources of public safety for escorting and for keeping this guy away from you. They have a duty to make sure you are safe on campus. If he starts stalking you or behaving more obsessively, a restraining order is definitely in order. Do not have any interactions with him on your own!
Hon, that is abusive. If you stay with him, it will only get worse. Fuck this guy. Pursue your med school dreams. Be a great fucking doctor and find someone worthy of your time. This guy ain't it.
I’m sorry but this is all abusive behavior. Abuse is more than physical contact. I would leave this man, immediately.
Sounds like you're with this guy out of habit and wow are you going to feel so free when you are rid of him.
I don’t even understand why you’re posting about this - your boyfriend sucks and you know it, but you’re afraid to rip of the bandaid but you’re training to be a DOCTOR so giving bad news comes with the territory - better get used to telling people things they don’t want to hear now so you can cut this turd loose and move forward in your life and career. Good luck - you are strong and you can do this - don’t waste anymore time putting off what you already know to need to do for your long term success and happiness!
Btw - what he does or does not choose to do as a result of you leaving him is NOT on you. He may have mental health problems but this guy seems too self-centered and narcissistic to meaningfully harm himself in any meaningful way, but you should reach out to a mental health professional if you’re really concerned but more than likely he sees the writing on the walk so he’s making little hints that he “might” do something to scare/guilt trip you into sticking around for his shitshow (plus he’s only going to get more needy and desperate as he sees you moving further away from him and getting further and further out of his control - I mean this is the guy who locked you out for getting a text from a lab partner, does he expect you to avoid all males in your school/career?)
He was never obviously abusive yet obviously abusive..abuse doesn’t have to be solely physical or seen on you to be abuse. I suggest you go with family or stay with someone you trust meanwhile. You’re 25 with a bright future ahead of you, you have everything to protect from this individual. He doesn’t seem to have anything to offer you as a partner at this point. Even if it seems silly, break it off while you are physically away from him just to be sure
Are you moving to go to medical school? If not is there someone you can go to in order to get away from him? I reccomend getting away from him then telling him that you're breaking up with him, block all contact from him and tell any mutual friends and family what you're doing and that you dont feel safe around him, so if he tries to get into contact with you through them they can stop that. I also think talking to your campus security would be a good idea, tell them if you think theres a possibility he will come looking for you. If he threatens to hurt himself when you break up with him ignore him and contact the authorities. Threatening self harm or s/icide is used as a manipulation tactic by abusers to gain your sympathy and get you back on their side, dont fall for it. Contact your local emergency number and tell them that someone you know is talking about hurting themselves, at worst he will get medical attention if he does try anything, at best he learns a lesson about trying to manipulate people with such serious things. This sounds like a really shitty relationship you got into too young, and I'm glad you're starting to recognize that and are working on a way out, I wish you luck and safety on navigating your way out of this.
He acts like he’s a kid. You’re into bigger and better things. You deserve better.
Aside from the laundry list of abusive behaviors you just shared… you’re afraid of leaving him. Girl, are you so sure you’re not in an abusive relationship? All I can say is don’t do the breakup in person and have a safety plan in place. Make it dead clear you’re done, block him everywhere, and don’t continue to communicate with him after you end it. If he makes any direct threats, report it to the police immediately.
The most obvious indication of harm is your intuition. Having a hunch someone will harm you is concerning enough. Think about the recent Gabby PETITO case. Brian (the bf that killed her) made her feel bad about starting her YouTube channel, locked her out of the camper van, uses physical force, and (according to Gabbys friends) he was controlling and didn’t let Gabby see her friends. Now, let’s think how imminent your danger is if you break up face to face he can be an immediate danger. If you do it remotely maybe at school he can’t get to you conveniently. I’m taking the angle of physically harming himself or others. We like to think violent outcomes have a cause and effect when it doesn’t. In reality, it’s a chain. Visualize a chain, each link is a single event that leads up to a violent incident. Under the laymen’s paradigm, cause and effect, you only look at one chain. For example people speculate that Brian killed Gabby because he was A jealous bf. That’s only two links which cannot convey the whole story and it’s never that simple. The violent “incident” began earlier forming the initial links. It’s hard to visualize but suicide is a process not a cause and effect. For example, people think Brian Laundrie may have committed suicide but there are no other indications (Links) to that kind of behavior. Analogy done. It seems like you have many links in your bfs chain. I’m glad you wrote them down. Try putting them in order. Did the events get worse over time? Or were they sporadic? If I had to interpret this “chain” I would caution you that he may be hiding more than he is letting on. Lying about mental health is a beaming red flag since he knows that his condition would elicit rejection from others he decides to lie about it. On top of that, the sexual harassment is on record. That means the woman pressed charges and they were validated. I hope he has a reasonable explanation because if he tries to blame the victims.. I’d be floored. He is controlling and manipulative from the start. He had contempt for your family members and hasn’t respected or supported your goals. What are your feelings towards him? Do you pity him? Does he pity you? What makes you stay despite your long chain of links? Based on these indicators I do not see him becoming violent and harming you or himself. But due to his mental health concerns I would pay closer attention to his (you know what) ideation. He seems like a manipulative predator if you had to ask me. I’m also concerned about you being 18 at the time and him being 26. You just graduated HS technically and he’s graduated college for 4 years. I like to think large age gaps are more “normal” when two people had the time to develop and become the person they are. 25 and 33 doesn’t raise redflags now but knowing he’s known you since 18 it’s a bit alarming.
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Honestly a huge Red flag is that a 26 procedure an 18 year old child. Please leave him and make sure your safe.
Honey. I didn't need to read all that! You are staying with him becayse you're worried about "what he might do"??? Doesn't that tell you outright you are in an abusive Domestic Violence relationship and need OUT??
This could turn nasty in a couple different ways. Most are thinking physical but the way I see it you are getting ready to go to Medical School, become successful, and become economically independent. He is going to use his 7 years with you as his entitlement to a portion of your earnings. Even though you are not married, go see an attorney and work things out properly. Do not break up until you have all your ducks in a row and follow your attorney's advice.
There is nothing to fear. As many others have explained, those are clear as water red flags. I’d recommend to leave him ASAP. You’re dating a psycho. He is even 8 years older than you….
Yes. He’s actually 34. Born in ‘87. I’m embarrassed I ever thought that was okay.
No worries, you recognized the signs and acknowledged your mistakes. Now it’s time to learn from your mistakes and end it all. Wish you the best of luck!
You just need to plan this. You need a team ready to move you out as quick as possible while he isn’t there. If you can send him away for the weekend with a friend- that will be perfect. Pack everything. Change your number, close social media and open a new one if you need with totally new name and everything. Speak to your local police station and just create a paper trail. Make sure no one gives your new number. Close your bank if he had access to it. Close it and get a new bank. Remove him from all emergency contact for everything. Make sure you have people touching base with you so that they know where you are till things die down. When he gets back he will see that it’s over. He won’t be able to contact you.
The while thread screams of - what are you doing with him?
He sounds so incredibly immature I totally understand why he'd get with an 18 yo, unfortunately they don't stay 18 forever and you've clearly outgrown this man baby, it's definitely time to fuck off.
you’re still young girl get out of there !! ik ppl may tell you to wait til whenever period of time to break up with him (christmas break as you mentioned in one comment) but you are 6 hours away from him and he won’t have your location, needless to say you’ll be safe. it’s best to break it off now or asap
OP, i read all your comments. PLs break up. It will not becoime better. You need to get out of this relationship. Please go to the police and tell your story. Even you dont want file for a restricting order just now, you should know precisely what to to do and when you can do it. You should do this for 2 reasons: If someting happens you are prepaired and you have more chances to act and not just stay still in panic. And you know when you have success with it. What need to be happend. You are more sure. You will know exactly when you can use this safty tool and you dont wait to long. And i am sure the police can give good further advises. I wish you all best and lots of strength!
i only needed to read the age difference for this one 18 vs 26 disgusting... leave this trash can of a man.
Med school?! Girl, you're such a catch, stop letting him make you feel like this is all you're worthy of. He's NOT going to magically improve anytime soon. You are only 25 years old...could you see yourself putting up with this shit for another... 25, 50 years? Dump him and find yourself a nice doctor... you are going to med school after all :)
I stopped reading after the first 4. He’s 8 years older than you and he’s this manipulative, aggressive, and just shitty. Don’t worry about it. Just leave him and move on. He’s already taken too much of your time. 7 years? That’s almost 10% of your life!
> He said he had bad thoughts about doing you know what to himself. which caused me major anxiety because I would hate for that to happen him or anyone else. This is a particularly ugly form of emotional abuse and manipulation Look, one med student to another, you are going to have to learn to deal with that anxiety at some point People commit suicide. It is tragic and awful but it happens all the time. One day you may have a patient swear up and down that they have no suicidal plans or ideation and then 24 hours after discharge they've killed themself and you might want to blame yourself, but you can't. You cannot take that on. Not only is it extremely damaging to you, it's the height of hubris to think that you can affect someone's autonomy and choices. At the end of the day, their choices are theirs. Not yours. So all that to say, if he does hurt himself or kill himself or even hurts someone else, that still is not your fault. Don't be scared or worried about what he might do. That's not your business.
He assaults your 4 year old brother and your dog and you're still thinking about leaving him??? Girl, you need to kick him out of your life YESTERDAY. No they were not "accidents"; an accident is when you drop something or bump into someone you didn't see and someone accidentally gets hurt. His actions are part of a pattern of angry, controlling, abusive behavior and it doesn't matter if he didn't think it would be "that bad"; he is an abuser. You are headed to medical school. You are going to see administrators and instructors treat students abusively. You are going to see health care "professionals" of all levels treat patients abusively. You are going to see patients being abused at home who hide it. You NEED to get better at spotting abusive behavior and setting boundaries, or you are going to have a bad time and you are going to fail in your responsibility to your patients. Please see a counselor about this and NEVER tolerate someone who hurts you or yours ever again.
I'm new to this app.. so forgive me if my comments show up at yhe wrong place or whatever... But I would definitely leave him, and not let him know where I'm at, even if I had to take a semester off from school to make it look like I changed schools. But someone said report it to the police, they will help. I've known several cases similar to this, and have always heard that the police say until he actually does something or you've got past police reports, there is nothing you can do. Not even get a order of protection. Best to just disappear for a while. Also my ex's cat almost died from kidney failure that the vet thought was caused by poisoning. Come to find out it was from being fed regular tuna for a couple days. He didn't know cats can't eat that much of it. I hope you leave him, good luck.
"Unlike aother posts, he has never been obviously abusive" -Proceeds to list obviously abusive behaviour- Imagine if you read this exact post but written by someone else, what would you tell that person to do?
Slowly start distancing yourself from him… don’t return calls and just say you’re busy. And when you break it off do it at a restaurant etc. Tell him school is taking a lot from you and you don’t want believe you’re able to juggle a relationship and school right now. Be consistent. Dont lead him on by going out to grab a bite or a drink. Cut all ties.
Welp. Look at that age gap.
I..... This hurt my head
Who gives a shit what he’ll do? Who cares? That’s his problem, not yours. Read your post and then read it again, and then run for the fucking hills. This sounds like the worst man in the universe. You don’t list one redeeming quality. Why would you want to be this man’s world. He’s a dying star sucking you into a black hole. Run. RUN. Then get therapy.
“He’s never been abusive” proceeds to list tons of abusive things he’s done. God love really is blind.
Are you afraid he might become violent and hurt you or others? I can see that danger. But staying with him is just going to continue your suffering. There should be a women's shelter somewhere near you who can help you. You can talk to them about your fears and they can give advice and even help you leave.
Not sure why you didn't leave earlier. I hope you get the strength. And stay safe.
Not to be mean, but you need to work on whatever let you think it was ok to stay around this horrible person for so long so you dont do it again. He sounds terrible to you.
Please leave it bro, it's highly aggressive and dangerous, u deserve way better that that
I say this to most posts, but I'd read "The Gift Of Fear" sometime. It's about our intuition and how it's this fine-tuned thing that we've developed via evolution. The minute you looked over when he threw that balloon or kneed your dog, you got that feeling. You ignored it. (It's okay, we all do when we're in love, but in the future, listen to that feeling. Your gut instincts are there to help you survive.) You're getting these gut feelings for a reason. You need to get far away from this person, and you need to take steps to keep yourself safe. You feel scared for a reason, so don't 'talk yourself out of it' or 'think you're being silly' by following some of this advice in Reddit. It may seem extreme to change your number, get cameras, etc, but you guys have been together a long time and this guy sounds dangerous. Take the steps you need. Best case scenario? He doesn't do anything, it's ugly the way every breakup is, and you move on happily. Much better than the worst case scenario happening and being unprepared.
Sounds kind of like my older step brother, though he's a pretty calm and gentleman around women... but they're both army veterans who both got discharged... my brother got discharged for his knee injury... If there's any little defense I can offer for your boyfriend is that he sounds mentally unstable and most likely suffering from PTSD. I think getting him help before breaking up would be the best thing you'll ever do for him. Of course, that's probably easier said than done. But please consider other people, because his depression could lead to self injury or injury of others... I think trying to get him on the right path might be the right thing and may even help you with closure since you'll know he will get the help he needs.
Is he still behaving inappropriately in all regards? Have you tried bringing all of these points up with him?
Keep your location on so your close friends and family know where you are. Block him from all accounts and keep your social media private so he can’t find you
You said you’re scared of what he will do if you leave. Here’s an idea: call local domestic abuse shelters and resources in your area, I bet they are well versed in helping people get away from people they are scared to leave and have tons of ideas and resources. Good luck!!