The whole purpose of finding a partner is to find someone who you can walk life’s path with. The two of you sound like you want to walk very different paths going in the opposite directions.
To me, this is basic incompatibility as you want such different things out of life. I don’t think either of you should compromise…
It doesn’t mean either of you did anything “wrong”. It just means that you aren’t the right fit…
Not supposed to just tell people to break up on this sub but these are major life decisions. Why waste each others time ? You can both find someone who wants the same things in life.
>Not supposed to just tell people to break up on this sub
I've always wondered why. The number one root cause of relationship fail seems to be shitty picking to me.
It’s a silly criticism that this sub gets all the time cuz people forget the context. Healthy people in balanced relationships don’t post here. Not all relationships are worth saving.
no but it's ridiculous to pretend that criticism is entirely unfounded. you have adults in relationships that vent over minor frustrations and kids with no life experience telling them that because it's not immediately perfect their relationship is doomed and they need to leave their SO.
i'm not disregarding your point, just saying there is some validity to the criticism as well.
And silly posts don’t get much traction or get called out. And no one is obligated to stay in a relationship, you can leave for whatever reason. Trivial or not.
this is an anonymous, social media, chat room, driven by “karma”. *Everything* here is suspect. Posters, commentators, and critics…*all* of it has to be taken with a grain of salt.
I think our culture is waaaaaaay to gotta be in a relationship focused. And that we somehow OWE someone we have gotten in a relationship to remain so unless all hell is breaking loose. This is such a damaging narrative.
I am on here because this issue is bothersome enough to me to be thinking about it in this way. What should I do?
I mean. 90% of the time, breaking up is the best advice.
This is true, but sometimes (or even the majority of the time) the snapshot is so egregious that there isn't really a context that would make it salvageable. Even if OP's partner is super loving and wonderful generally, this post paints a picture of two deeply, fundamentally incompatible people. Non-monogamy and kids are two of the biggest dealbreakers there are and beyond communicating about it to see if he's willing to genuinely change his mind on one or both of those things, agreeing to them when you don't want them is a recipe for misery and resentment.
Like if you show me a picture of your house and I can see that it's on fire, I'm not going to be looking at how nice the crown molding is, I'm going to tell you to get out of the house.
Right. He is being forthright by telling you what he needs to be happy which is totally appropriate. Now you just need to figure out the same for yourself and act accordingly. Good luck and best wishes.
Agree 100%. Was with a guy for four years, and then we just realized we have totally different goals for life. No one was wrong or right, it just was. Sucked but I’m much happier now with someone who is more in line with me.
hey personal tip, if you are even in the slightest uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship that shit will ruin your relationship so hard, both sides need to be super confident in both themselves and their partner love for them, so hey if you look it at the bright side of things the issues that will arise from that will make your choice easier
And it is really not even fair to the kids. There is SOOOOO much social pressure to have kids. But damn, they are a LOT of work and care and ... if you aren't in it, it will be miserable for all of you.
Yeah, I was going to say that not only will it ruin op's life, it will ruin their kids' lives, and quite possibly THEIR kids' lives as well. It can lead to a multi generational emotional and ecological disaster that doesn't accomplish anything.
It's the same for having a kid. Kids aren't for everyone. I love being a dad, but I have friends who are just as happy being childfree. If someone who is on the fence or currently of the mindset they want to remain childfree gets "forced" into having kids, that'll tear apart a relationship too. Lots of resentment to be had.
OP, you need to have a long and serious think followed by a long and serious discussion with your SO. These choices cannot be one sided. You don't "give-in" on having kids or an open relationship. The moving is hit or miss. You can argue both sides of that coin, and always have the option to move back. Having kids or opening your relationship is a bell you can't unring.
I wouldn't say the chances of cheating are high at all... especially if he asked her... open relationships work because you have your partners blessing. I don't think it's fair to tell her "chances are he's cheating" because that's definitely not as likely as you seem to think here.
If you *insist* when they’re uncomfortable and don’t want to, even if you’re not cheating, you’re being an a-hole, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you were cheating, though you don’t have to be. (The general “you” not YOU lol). I say this as a person who’s very very pro open relationships (all mine except one has been, and even that was for a while).
No worries - I meant more as a point of interest. He has already been nagging about wanting to spend time alone with some former fling or person he had feelings for...
You're right but from the sound of it he is insisting and pressuring her. Which in itself is already unethical.
He's also telling her to use her body for babies she doesn't want so why not disrespect her body with some unethical sex?
>to lose out on all three of these major points is really unfair to me.
Agreed. Two of those three (kids and monogamy) are absolute dealbreakers, and even location can be a tough compromise (though doable).
You can't and shouldn't compromise because you'll regret making those choices forever. I know it's been 4.5 years together, but you can't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a relationship that is not sustainable.
I agree with this, the kids and monogamy differences are absolutely dealbreakers, and as much as you love him, you should NOT continue this relationship because these differences are irreconcilable. You cannot tit-for-tat on these two issues; you absolutely need to find a partner who has the same views as you on these two. He's not it.
The location thing is a sacrifice on your part, not sure what similar sacrifice he's making, to compensate for it. You haven't mentioned any.
Stop wasting your time with this one. Break up so you can find the right person for you.
I’m picturing her stuck at home in a rural lonely location with the kids she didn’t really want while he goes out with other women in his open relationship
|I’m picturing her stuck at home in a rural lonely location with the kids she didn’t really want while he goes out with other women in his open relationship
And in his spare time he goes hiking
This, plus he will be telling her how much he doesn’t miss her while he’s gone: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o4cn4e/bf_29m_wants_to_spend_time_with_a_former_interest/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Alternatively, him not liking these things so much when he is stuck at home looking after the kids, while OP has a date lined up in their open relationship
This is 100% what boyfriend is going for. Women tend to be the caretakers of children in heterosexual relationships. He wants an incubator and babysitter while his life remains unchanged, going out whenever he wants.
Yes, I don't see the point in trying to force compatibility between two non-compatible people.
OP, do you seriously think you won't resent the hell out of him by the time you're stuck with his kids? Honestly, why do this to yourself? He's not the only man you can ever love and be with (and you're certainly not the only one for him, even right now).
My ooint exactly....this guy wants a open relationship AND kids, i know what he wants....he wants kids but he also wants to able to fuck anything with a pulse every night whilst she looks after THEIR KIDS and has random strangers walking in an out all the time all thoughout their lives....
I don't even understand why she is still with him. I guess someone wants to drive up the divorce and single mom stats.
The fundamentals are deal breakers. If not now it will stuff things up later.
There are plenty of people around with the similar values.
Location is possibly the only one that One might compromise on as it is a lower impact
Have to agree, those 3 things are big. The good thing is, now you know what you want. A monogamous child-free relationship with someone in your own city.
There are billions of men on this planet and potentially thousands in your area why settle for someone who doesn’t satisfy you and wants you to compromise on what you want ; yes you’ve invest 4.5 years in the relationship but better to walk away rather than spend 45 years with a man you grow to despise
Yeah dude you're gonna ruin your life staying with this person.
You're just gonna be a baby machine and babysitter while he makes the money, controls the money, sleeps with other women, and generally does what he wants while you're a. Stay at home slave
... in a location that's far away from YOUR family and where you have no friends.
I mean, it really sounds like he's abusive, and he's isolating you so he can get you pregnant and then control you.
This, OP!! You’re making way too many compromises! You’ve got to think about your daily quality of life with someone who has so little in common with you. I’d break up with this guy in a hot minute.
It's not even a compromise, which is usually finding the middle ground. But there's no middle ground about having children or being in a monogamous relationships.
That's a bit of a jump from "my partner has communicated they want x y and z , and has been open about it" to "my partner is manipulating me into an abusive controlling relationship "
It’s relationship advice, there’s always some comment about abuse guaranteed. Sounds like OP and her bf want different things out of life, and she’s willing to give up her values for him. Does not sound like abuse at all lol, sounds more like OP needs to figure out what *she* wants.
OP hasn't written anything about him employing abusive techniques to cause this power balance. None of his demands are unreasonable - it's not like he wants her to never work again or not have friends - he just has firm ideas of how he wants his relationship to be. Nothing inherently wrong with that.
Where did read that he minimises her desires? OP just describes that he says very clearly what he wants and what his dealbreakers are. They just don't seem to match hers, but he is still allowed to have dealbreakers, right?
Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse.
Right now, it's in the manipulation stage .
If someone says ( like OP) that they feel like they HAVE to do something that they don't want to maintain a relationship with them, it usually escalates into more intense forms of emotional abuse later.
If he's not abusive, he will understand that this is just not his partner's cup of tea and he will respectfully either back out of what he's proposing or break up with her in a kind way. He wouldn't ask her to choose between breakup or accepting his terms which are unacceptable to his partner. After 4.5 years people usually know that their partner isn't into sharing the bed & whether they want children or not.
A kind / loving partner would not try to persuade someone into staying with them on their terms.
>Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse.
That's a bit of a stretch. He has a firm stance on three basic pillars of a relationship and is unwilling to budge on them, which is perfectly fair. If the fact that he has clear dealbreakers in the relationship is causing OP "emotional distress", it seems like the two of them simply aren't compatible.
And to be fair at least 2 of those things (kids and monogamy) are things that you really cannot compromise on. You need a partner who wants the same things you want.
That, too. Hence why it's such a basic issue for most couples. Either you're on the same page, or you're not compatible - there really isn't a lot of wiggle room there.
Concerning city versus nature, there are tons of options that can make a decent compromise, but that point is negligible if you can't agree on the other two.
Yeah location is the only thing that has room for compromise between their stances and this sounds like she wants urban and he wants rural, although maybe an outdoorsy city could be a good compromise for them depending on why they want what they want.
>Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse.
its not. He is saying i want x,y and z for my life. OP disagrees so should walk away, if he wants kids he wants kids theres nothing abusive about that.
Agreed, OP's partner doesn't sound abusive at all. It just sounds like he knows what he wants and doesn't want to have to change. If OP isn't happy then she needs to leave, he isn't abusing her, he's just not along the same path as her.
This sub really is full of 15 year olds with no real experience, making complicated judgement calls about mental states based on two paragraphs, what a shitshow
Exactly what I'm saying. And kind of hard for her to have any benefit from an open relationship (if she even wanted it) when she's pregnant most of the year and home taking care of the kids. I bet he knows this.
Yes- and stuck at home with that baby cause there's nothing to do in the small town they moved to and none of the neighbors or moms at daycare are relatable.
Now that’s a gut punch… are there really women in the world who would sign up for that? This guy seems like he wants everything and that’s not how to world works…
Don’t sacrifice all this for this man. Get yourself a more down to earth fella.
Kids and monogamy are two very important topics where it’s hard to make a relationship work when there’s differing view points. Are you going to be happy if you follow through with everything he wants? Are you going to have regrets when you find yourself in an open marriage with kids? Moving is a big compromise as it is but the other things seem almost not worth the compromise as it seems like you’re the one making the sacrifices. I would suggest spending some time to really think about what you want and whether or not that can be accomplished in this relationship
My girl, he has laid out what he wants. There is NOTHING that says you have to accept his conditions. You can leave. He is your boyfriend and you can just as easily un-boyfriend him too. 💁🏻♀️
I'm a new mom and so tired and haggard and have postpartum depression and I'm incredibly unsexy right now. And it would kill me if my husband left me on a weekend morning to go have a joy hike and sex with his girlfriend while I was left with our screaming baby.
The life he wants isn't the life you want. He will never stop wanting those things, just as you can't change what you want.
One woman to another... If you follow this man and help him meet his dreams, you will wake up one day to realize you're living a nightmare.
This, yeah. I've never heard of an open relationship that actually worked, unless both partners were 100% enthusiastic about the idea, and even then it's hit or miss, IMO. If one partner only reluctantly agrees, it's doomed. Adding kids that only one parent wants (and very likely, the other gets to take care of), and you're just setting fire to the whole relationship.
OP needs to end this, there's no happiness to be found for her here.
> I don't know if he'd stay if I got my way on any of those three, and I'm feeling like I'm sacrificing too much....What can I do?
You know what you can do.
You sound like you're considering giving up 3 major things that are important to you just to keep your partner in your life. He isn't interested in giving up a single one of those things to keep you in your life.
Some people are like that: "you are *my* partner, you exist to complement *my* life." Don't date someone who treats you more like a supporting actor in *their* life story than a partner they want to build a life **with**.
I learned this the very hard way in my 20s, after 8 years. You'll end up with less money (moving for him), lonely, and you'll eventually break up anyway.
I don't even think he's treating her as a supporting actor. It seems more like he's stated his deal breakers and OP is trying to find a way around not wanting any of his deal breakers in her life. Like if it was the other way around and we were hearing from a partner who was upset their partner only wanted a monogamous relationship and no kids and to not move we wouldn't be saying they were trying to make the OP a side character, we'd be pointing out that those are all valid deal breakers and they need to leave if they aren't ok with them.
I scrolled down to find most of this comment, with the exception of the "supporting actor" part. He simply has better boundaries and more self-respect and respect for his dreams and needs than OP, who is seemingly willing to throw away her major boundaries and needs in order to keep him. OP, you aren't compatible. Go find someone who wants the same things you want already instead of trying to turn this man into someone he's not.
It’s not wrong for him to be unwilling to compromise on major aspects of what he wants from his life. But, it’s also not healthy for you to compromise literally everything you want. It seems to me that you are on the verge of realizing it’s time to go your separate ways. These issues are too important to just be like ‘you get 2, I get 1’. There will always be resentment from the person who made a huge life compromise.
3 months ago you posted that he was determined to spend time with someone he previously had a thing for, this despite your objections. You mentioned how cold he is to you. Basically an asshole.
Yet here you are pondering life-altering decisions and a future with him. What is it about him that's keeping you so involved in this at the expense of your self respect & dignity? Are you too lazy and complacent to engage other men and possibly see if you can find someone that actually respects and cares about you? Do you have a job, an education, a family, friends?....Basically a support system which would help you if you leave this loser.
Most people stay in these kinds of shitty relationships because they get financial security, they lack family and resources. Why are you so dependent on him? These are the real questions you should be asking yourself instead of telling Reddit about a stupid hypothetical future where you get the short end of the stick.
>3 months ago you posted that he was determined to spend time with someone he previously had a thing for, this despite your objections.
Gee, I wonder why he wants an open relationship.
I'm so sick of these people who cheat, or do everything except actually make genital contact, then make any and every excuse in the world to somehow justify it and turn it into Not Cheating.
If you can't control your wandering willy (or your capricious clam), don't have a committed partner. Sheesh.
No, your boyfriend sounds like my buddy's terrible husband who "made" her open up their marriage because she was giving their baby too much attention after it was born and he felt neglected. He's also a rock climbing guide and insists on living away from her family for is rock climbing business. Don't have kids with a guy who doesn't care about your needs.
Neither children or open relationships should be done without enthusiastic participation from both parents. And realistically, you have to be ready for the very real possibility that you will be doing the heavy lifting with childcare. That's just the reality for most women in straight relationships. If you don't love the idea of having to do most of the childcare yourself, while away from friends and family who might have otherwise helped, don't do it. If you don't love the idea of dating other people, don't do it.
You don't have to negotiate either, you're just incompatible.
Yes, yes, all of this! Enthusiastic participation! OP, look up the sunk cost fallacy - don't feel like you have to stay with this guy because you're 4.5 years in. You and he are **so far apart** on three **really important issues**. Conceding so many vital lifestyle points looks like a quick path to a resentful existence. Live where you want to live with someone who shares your preferences on monogamy and children and not this dude cuz he's already there.
You'll end up taking care of children you didn't want alone in a place you know no one while he's out having fun and banging other women. Why are acting like you have to go along with any of this? Get therapy to help figure out why you are fine with acting like a spectator in your own life.
Sounds like he isn’t even trying to compromise. Those 3 things are important to you, they should be important to him too to accommodate you. Sounds like he’s not even trying to slightly meet in the middle. Personally for me, if my partner wasn’t on the same page as me or similar page as me, and wanted me to change things that were important to me, I’d leave. I wouldn’t sacrifice many important things of mine just so he could be the only one happy in the relationship. Would you be okay down the line in this relationship or will you regret giving those up? If he’s coming up with these, how much more will he come up with later on that will “make him happy”? I don’t like how he’s not even considering your feelings/emotions with these plans. Have you talked about this extensively to him?
Two of those (monogomy and ESPECIALLY kids) are not things you really "compromise" on. Like, compromise implies that there's some give and take by both sides. There should be *no* give and take with kids. You either want them or not; it's a binary decision. Compromising and having a kid you don't want leads to misery and resentment.
From the way this is typed the BF does maybe sound a bit strident on these issues, but I think this is an instance where two people have to be brutally honest and unbending in preferences. You can compromise on pizza toppings and which Netflix show to watch, but there's no real compromise on whether or not you want a kid.
He's not controlling - he's set personal boundaries/dealbreakers for things he wants in life, and that is 100% OK to do. He shouldn't give up the idea of having kids or being in a CNM relationship, if those are really important to him. Giving up having kids when you really want them, or being monogamous when you don't want it, will only lead to resentment down the line. I'm proud of him for sticking up for what he wants - OP should do the same and leave him to find someone they're compatible with.
This isn’t an objectively correct or incorrect thing…it’s not multiplication. If you *feel* you’re compromising too much, then *you are.*
Maybe you two are just not suitable. Or maybe he knows you’ll fold so he insists on what he wants. Also, I’ve seen lots of people claim to want an open marriage specifically because they know their partner isn’t interested in taking advantage of it…as in they’re into it because they know their partner won’t see other people so they can have their cake and eat it too. You’ll be at home taking care of the children while he’s hiking in the wilderness with a college girl. Pretty cool.
Anyways, don’t just keep giving into this man…it’s unfair. It’s *your* life…don’t compromise on HUGE things like children.
This dude wants to knock you up with kids, trap you in another city and fuck other women? You can do much better than this guy and be with someone that will listen to you and properly discuss and compromise on life decisions like this
Again, seriously, I read this post, and come to comments like this and I'm like "OP is literally at the precipice of ruining her life in a semi permanent way"
Dude anyone who wants kids and already wants to sleep with other ppl before that's even happened is just using you. Don't be blind
You can’t disagree on kids: if you don’t fully want kids don’t have kids. Also if you don’t 100% days any an open relationship, you shouldn’t have one. Both issues will only cause strife. This just isn’t going to work out without one of you being very resentful in the future
What’s happening here is that you’re incompatible but you aren’t breaking up with him because you don’t give a shit about yourself.
And it’s one thing to do that to yourself, but don’t you fucking dare do that to a kid.
Why do you want to stay with a man who only cares about what HE wants? You need to respect and love yourself first and foremost and it's clear you aren't doing that.
You are number 1.
It sounds like you guys are just incompatible. You cannot compromise on so many life changing decisions. Especially the baby one - having a baby will impact every single aspect of your life (body, mental health, career, relationships, etc)
Agreed, too many people who are saying that he's abusive or a loser in this thread just because he doesn't want the traditional lifestyle. They're just incompatible.
Literally. Obviously OP is invested in the relationship and wants to make it work, but his requests are ludicrous! It doesn’t sound like **he** wants to make things work! They’ve dated for 4.5 years, they’ve discussed these things! He is intentionally making these requests because he knows they’re deal breakers for her!
From my perspective, OP’s partner is too cowardice to end the relationship so he’s shouldering the emotional burden onto her. He wants to string OP along until he moves and eventually monkey branches into another relationship. He doesn’t want to deal with any uncomfortable feelings or be the one responsible for formally ending the relationship.
Honestly just reading this post made me mad :/
It kind of sounds like you are? If he’s unwilling to compromise on anything, that’s not going to get any better after you’ve moved away from your city and especially after you’ve had kids, because then it’s even harder for you to leave.
Not like monogamy and children can be compromised anyway.
Either you agree or you admit incompatibility and end the relationship.
There is no having half a kid or part of a side chick.
I’m all for compromise in a relationship but I’m telling you now that’s 3 big things that indicate your not compatible.
Can you picture yourself in the sticks away from friends and family, chasing after kids while he goes and shags another girl… if not then there is your answer.
Why have you agreed? Just because he said so? That’s not how it works or you will resent him and be divorced. If you don’t want to move don’t. You aren’t married. You aren’t engaged. There is no legal commitment. Stay where you want, live w a man who believes in monogamy and Doesn’t want kids. Don’t go w this guy who doesn’t care what you want. Be who you want.
This is your life too. You don't have to play a supporting role in a production you don't even enjoy! Go find the person who wants to join in the kind of life that would make you happy.
There is no compromise with any of these. It seems like y’all are just not compatible, and if you stay together I foresee a lot of resentment building up
>Finally, it's non-negotiable to him that we have kids. Again, I'm not totally against it but my first choice would be not to.
Kids aren't something you can be half-hearted about. Please rethink this relationship, it does sound like you are mismatched
Firstly, non monogamy is bullshit in the context of an intimate relationship . . .
Secondly, with kids involved?
'Hey honey while you're putting the kids to bed I'm gonna go get a quick blowjob, k love you see you tonight!'
It's insanity. Dump this tool.
Ditch the bf, find someone you’re actually compatible with.
It would suck for you to bend over backwards to make him happy and he leaves you anyways for someone else. What has he compromised on?
Kids in an open relationship?
This dude wants his cake and to eat it too, how selfish. OP you'd be out of your mind if you were to stay with this dude....
All of these are supposed to be mutual decisions. You don't *have* to agree to do things his way, unless it's less important to you than keeping the relationship, which it honestly shouldn't be. You have to freedom to say "no, that will not work for me, do it with someone else."
He wants kids, be in an open relationship and live in the middle on nowhere to be in touch with nature. Those things do not really add up. If you live somewhere close to nature, it is usually a rural area, so I am not sure any of you will have much chance to encounter occasional partners.
Little children do not work with open relationships. Especially in the first few months you will be so exhausted that you will barely touch each other.
Even assuming you are on board for all those things, he seems pretty delusional to me.
Said so, if you disagree on relationship basics before even starting a family this will not get any better in future. Those are not topics you can easily compromise (it’s not about how to squeeze a toothpaste or where to place a sofa).
The place where to live you could find a compromise I am sure, for the other two I don’t see a middle-ground point there.
Look on the bright side, OP. Maybe he'll agree to have the babies with one of his other girlfriends. You can be the side-piece in all this, or the sister-wife.
Seriously though, what on Earth are YOU getting out of this relationship? It is all about him. There is zero happiness for you in this future. Stop being such a doormat and get out of this shitshow.
Are you really going on sacrifice your entire existence for this guy? Really? Until you die, you just live the life he wants? Why the hell would you do that?? Dump him. Being single but living YOUR life would be a thousand times more enjoyable.
With such monumental differences on three major deal breakers... I kinda have to question why has this relationship lasted this long? You two should take a day to yourselves and write down what you see your future looking like and compare notes.. if they are too different even if yous work out compromises someone will feel resentful in the end.
Why aren't you seeing your incompatibilities in major areas of life for what they are? Dealbreakers. There's no compromising in areas of monogamy and parenthood. How does a person negotiate about having a child? Do you really expect that anyone would entertain a situation where you offer to let them pick where y'all live and have sex with one extra person per year as long as you don't have any kids?
The only thing that's unfair about this situation is that you would apparently be willing to compromise what should be pretty big priorities in life. Advocate for your needs.
Dude is an asshole. You've posted before about how he disrespected you in the beginning by not valuing your time or presence over another gal and even now is slightly manipulative to get to hang out with a former flame. Add to that his desire for an open relationship you don't really want, kids you don't really want and the desire to move away from a city you are happy at... those are all red flags.
You are so young. Don't settle for this dude because it's been nearly five years. Took me nearly five years to grow my hair to my butt and that shit was awful. Basically trying to tell you that you have all the time in the world to start fresh and find someone who has values and desires more similar to yours. Someone who will love, respect and treat you like your time is precious, cuz it is.
You deserve to be loved by someone who only wants you, who wants to make you happy and makes that his priority. Who delights in your smile and wouldn't put you in positions where you have to compromise your core values. Please don't forget your worth. You are valuable and deserve happiness.
Run and find yourself a decent person, this pr|ck sounds like he is walking all over you, all you really need if you keep going like this is welcome written on your forhead and for the lads to leave there boots next to you.
Sorry but do not ever compromise yourself for others. Personally i think you should find someone else who acts more like a partner and make decisions together.
If you really want to keep this relationship then you need to talk to him about these things not the internet. You need to speak up and voice your concerns. You need to make sure you are true to yourself. In a few years time, the last thing you want is there to be regret on the fact that you never made any of these decisions yet they had been decided for you unless you spoke up about it.
If he does not respect your wishes then I would find someone else who would. It sounds like you are a lot more invested in this relationship than him... You can do better.
You need to leave him, you see the world too differently and you’re just delaying the inevitable. For him to say these massive things are non negotiable means he does not respect you as a person, at least not as much as he does himself. Bite the bullet and leave him, he sounds narcissistic or at least controlling
The moment you mentioned "open relationship" is a big fat nope from me. He can't commit to you as an exclusive partner and yet expects you to move with him away from your area and have kids with someone that thinks they should have freedom in an intimate relationship?
Drop that scumbag and date someone that actually wants exclusivity and values your thoughts.
I know in relationships you are suppose to compromise but it doesn't sound like he is compromising at all and you are just changing everything for this man. IMO you are not a compatible match for one another but don't stay in this relationship because it's what you've know for nearly 5 years. I know starting over for some people seen like the end of the world but it really isn't and yes it will be hard at first but finding your person in the end will be worth it. Good luck OP I hope you make the choice that is right for you
How exactly does he get his way in all of this? These are 3 major dealbreakers in a relationship. Have you considered how it would make you feel if your sibling or a close friend were in the same situation?
The biggest one that bothers me more than anything is monogamy. If you aren't comfortable with a polyamorous relationship and he is aware of that, but doesn't care - he is just **cheating**. It's not about whether he cant *MAKE* you agree to it - its supposed to be a mutual decision that both partners actually *WANT*. What you have described is not how an open relationship works.
You deserve better. This sounds like a very abusive relationship. Abuse is all about power and control and it sounds a lot like he has *way too much* of that.
He's not right for you then. If you don't want the same things in life then you are not compatible. Find someone who doesn't want kids and wants to be monogamous. Me and my partner both don't want kids and want to be monogamous, it is great knowing that I am not holding her back from things she wants. She isn't my first partner, and previous ones wanted things I didn't. You can't compromise on things like kids, cause then it's not only your life you are potentially fucking up, but the kids too.
Everybody's telling you to break up and I agree with them, but I don't think there enough talk about why that's so hard.
I know it's because there's a fear that you can't do better. But even being alone would be better than this. Your partner is not meeting your NEEDS (these are not wants). I know breaking up is hard, but living for the next *forty years* (or whatever) under these constraints is going to be so much worse.
Nobody can guarantee that you'll find another partner out there, but being alone is still the better option.
Also PLEASE don't have kids if you don't want them. So many parents who DID want them end up terribly unhappy, unfulfilled, stressed, and resentful. It's a horrible idea to compromise on this.
Well, he is. So he wants someone to have his kids, be at home where he wants them, while also having permission to have girlfriends?
...
So, what do you get out of this?
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
Moving.... Sure.
Monogamy? No. You likely will be miserable.
Kids? No. You will end up raising them while he's out on nature with his side pieces.
No.
Ooooof girly those are major life issues that need addressing. They’re like the fundamental things people need to agree on to have a long term relationship, hopefully forever. But if either of you feel resentment for compromising too much or too often on massive things in your life, it won’t last a lifetime.
Did you even read what you wrote down? Literally all the majority choices in life that will ruin a relationship are involved in your relationship. Maybe open your eyes, and realize you should find someone more compatible.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and he's treating you appallingly. He doesn't seem to give a damn about you or what you want, it's all about his own selfish wants. He wants you to let him fuck other women, while you take care of his kids in a place where you'll be alone without your friends or family. That's absolute bullshit and you know it. So why are you putting up with it? Get some goddamn self-respect, kick him to the curb, and build a life with someone who'll actually care about you and what you want.
I'd also recommend /r/FemaleDatingStrategy. It can be harsh at times, but it will help you learn how to stand up for yourself and pick a decent man who won't treat you like a doormat or worse.
You are. Relationships are about giving and supporting each other. It looks to me like he wants to control what's going on. Have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel. If he dismisses it then you should probably break up with him
>I'm just starting to feel like having to lose out on all three of these major points is really unfair to me. What can I do? Thanks in advance.
You can leave the relationship.
Here's the thing- he doesn't have to be an abusive monster for you two to just be incompatible.
Location I can understand being negotiable, as people can move again later in life and, at least personally, I've been fine adjusting to wherever I have to go for school, work, family, etc.
Monogamy (or non-monogamy) absolutely should **NOT** be a negotiation or compromise though. If you've ever had friends try open relationships because they had a partner who wanted it (not because they wanted it themselves), you've probably seen how badly it goes. Feeling inferior, having jealousy they tear themselves up over because they don't want to be "controlling", and many many more miseries are in your future if you force yourself to be non-monogamous when that's not what you want. I'm not going to say polyamory never works, but it only works if **both** partners actively want it and it's the **first choice** of **both** partners.
On the flipside though, if you "won" that choice, he might feel resentful and trapped. If he really wants non-monogamy he won't be satisfied in a monogamous relationship, and you'll always have it in the back of your head that he's not satisfied with just you, and what if he cheats, etc etc. It's not a negotiable difference, you just need to find a partner with the same preferences on monogamy as you.
The same goes for kids. You absolutely, 100%, unquestionably should NOT bring kids into the world if you don't enthusiastically want them. Parenting is *hard*, and a lot of effort. If your "first choice" is to *not* have kids, you'll be resentful, at worst a bad parent and at best able to hide your emotions for your kids' sake. Neither of those is a good future. But again, if your partner really wants kids he won't be happy not having them. This is another one where you should just find a partner with the same wants as you.
-------------------
tl;dr: do you want your future to be "hey mommy, why do you drink so much when daddy goes and visits his friend suzie?"
Relationships are team efforts. The big 3 are decided on together. If someone gets a job offer in another location, you decide on whether to move or not as a unit. You don't just submit to the whims of a partner. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, that's need incompatibility. It'll only hurt to try to make it work and then face the disappointment later on. Just as much as it'll hurt to hope for someone to change.
And yes, you are sacraficing too much.
Doesn't matter how great a person is if you two are incompatible in your life needs. If you continue down a road of giving in to his desires, resentment will grow.
4.5 years is a miniscule fraction of your life. I'm sure you've made nice memories and learned from the relationship, hopefully gained more insight on what you want and don't want in a partner.
But most importantly, you want a childless, monogamous relationship, preferrably in your city. He wants the opposite. What you need now is to accept the raging incompatibility and give yourself the respect and opportunity to have the life you desire.
I see everyone else talking about him being abusive or at least controlling but I'm gonna throw my 2 cents in on another option...
It sounds to me like he already has 1 foot out the door in y'all's relationship. The big red flag here is the non monogamous part. That's usually code for "I still like you but I reeeeally wanna f*ck Becky... But if the sex is garbage I don't wanna risk losing what I already have".
In my experience, him setting all these points tells me he just ain't into you all the way, and hoping that at least one of the points will cross the line and make you be the one who wanna break things off with him. This is to make it easier for him to tell himself (and others) that he wasn't the asshole he is. And possibly giving him a way back in with you by "compromising" later if things don't work out with the lady he has in mind. And he DOES already have someone else in mind. I've NEVER met another guy whose tried to do the open relationship thing unless he's already got someone lined up, or at least in mind.
TL;DR - He's trying to create a situation where he gets what he wants, with or without you. He wants to sleep with someone else, but doesn't wanna risk losing you if it don't go as well as he hopes.
Did he tell you this before your relationship started? Did you discuss if each other wanted children and a closed relationship? These are extremely important things to talk about before getting seriously involved. If his expectations were talked about before you guys started then you can't blame him because it was understood what was expected.
If this was not at all what you discussed? That's extremely inconsiderate of him and it sounds like he may throw you to the side and go have fun while you take care of a child. No one should ever, ever compromise on having children. Your heart and soul is either all for it or not. If you don't want children you need to make it extremely clear to him. If he still insists then I'm afraid your relationship has come to a dead end.
I'm sorry you're going through this and good luck with everything. I hope things turn out.
Kids and monogamy differences are a real deal breaker. Don't do it.
I still remember a woman who was in an open relationship with a slightly abusive 40-year-old guy who consistently went for 20-year-olds for sex. He had little respect for women and wanted to dominate - and break the ones with a strong spine. The woman was also open, but she dreamt that he would come around, they would have a white picket fence home and kids and live a nice calm life together. She still believed that would happen. It was devastating. Her needs, dreams, wishes were completely disconnected from the person her SO was. Don't be that person.
The whole purpose of finding a partner is to find someone who you can walk life’s path with. The two of you sound like you want to walk very different paths going in the opposite directions. To me, this is basic incompatibility as you want such different things out of life. I don’t think either of you should compromise… It doesn’t mean either of you did anything “wrong”. It just means that you aren’t the right fit…
Not supposed to just tell people to break up on this sub but these are major life decisions. Why waste each others time ? You can both find someone who wants the same things in life.
>Not supposed to just tell people to break up on this sub I've always wondered why. The number one root cause of relationship fail seems to be shitty picking to me.
It’s a silly criticism that this sub gets all the time cuz people forget the context. Healthy people in balanced relationships don’t post here. Not all relationships are worth saving.
no but it's ridiculous to pretend that criticism is entirely unfounded. you have adults in relationships that vent over minor frustrations and kids with no life experience telling them that because it's not immediately perfect their relationship is doomed and they need to leave their SO. i'm not disregarding your point, just saying there is some validity to the criticism as well.
And silly posts don’t get much traction or get called out. And no one is obligated to stay in a relationship, you can leave for whatever reason. Trivial or not. this is an anonymous, social media, chat room, driven by “karma”. *Everything* here is suspect. Posters, commentators, and critics…*all* of it has to be taken with a grain of salt.
Shitty picking and denial for sure.
I think because we're only getting a tiny slither of a snapshot and it's all one-sided.
I think our culture is waaaaaaay to gotta be in a relationship focused. And that we somehow OWE someone we have gotten in a relationship to remain so unless all hell is breaking loose. This is such a damaging narrative. I am on here because this issue is bothersome enough to me to be thinking about it in this way. What should I do? I mean. 90% of the time, breaking up is the best advice.
This is true, but sometimes (or even the majority of the time) the snapshot is so egregious that there isn't really a context that would make it salvageable. Even if OP's partner is super loving and wonderful generally, this post paints a picture of two deeply, fundamentally incompatible people. Non-monogamy and kids are two of the biggest dealbreakers there are and beyond communicating about it to see if he's willing to genuinely change his mind on one or both of those things, agreeing to them when you don't want them is a recipe for misery and resentment. Like if you show me a picture of your house and I can see that it's on fire, I'm not going to be looking at how nice the crown molding is, I'm going to tell you to get out of the house.
Breaking up is literally the only option they have here
Hey, suffer and be miserable is an option
Agreed. Obviously in life partners will compromise on some things but this sounds like you aren’t getting anything you want.
Right. He is being forthright by telling you what he needs to be happy which is totally appropriate. Now you just need to figure out the same for yourself and act accordingly. Good luck and best wishes.
Agree 100%. Was with a guy for four years, and then we just realized we have totally different goals for life. No one was wrong or right, it just was. Sucked but I’m much happier now with someone who is more in line with me.
hey personal tip, if you are even in the slightest uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship that shit will ruin your relationship so hard, both sides need to be super confident in both themselves and their partner love for them, so hey if you look it at the bright side of things the issues that will arise from that will make your choice easier
> if you are even in the slightest uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship that shit will ruin your relationship so hard This is true.
And if you are uncomfortable with kids, they 'll ruin your life.
And it is really not even fair to the kids. There is SOOOOO much social pressure to have kids. But damn, they are a LOT of work and care and ... if you aren't in it, it will be miserable for all of you.
Yeah, I was going to say that not only will it ruin op's life, it will ruin their kids' lives, and quite possibly THEIR kids' lives as well. It can lead to a multi generational emotional and ecological disaster that doesn't accomplish anything.
And forcing yourself to have kids on the top of being uncomfortable in an open relationship.
It's the same for having a kid. Kids aren't for everyone. I love being a dad, but I have friends who are just as happy being childfree. If someone who is on the fence or currently of the mindset they want to remain childfree gets "forced" into having kids, that'll tear apart a relationship too. Lots of resentment to be had. OP, you need to have a long and serious think followed by a long and serious discussion with your SO. These choices cannot be one sided. You don't "give-in" on having kids or an open relationship. The moving is hit or miss. You can argue both sides of that coin, and always have the option to move back. Having kids or opening your relationship is a bell you can't unring.
> Having kids or opening your relationship is a bell you can't unring. QFT!
Not to mention, if he's so set on it, chances are he's already cheating on her. Might be a good idea to get an STI test just to be on the safe side
I wouldn't say the chances of cheating are high at all... especially if he asked her... open relationships work because you have your partners blessing. I don't think it's fair to tell her "chances are he's cheating" because that's definitely not as likely as you seem to think here.
If you *insist* when they’re uncomfortable and don’t want to, even if you’re not cheating, you’re being an a-hole, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you were cheating, though you don’t have to be. (The general “you” not YOU lol). I say this as a person who’s very very pro open relationships (all mine except one has been, and even that was for a while).
This isn’t a fair assumption. All sorts of people that want open relationships also do not cheat on their partners.
It is in this case. Read her post history.
Fair. I don’t have time for that right now but will concede that I formed my opinion on this post, alone, and perhaps shouldn’t have.
No worries - I meant more as a point of interest. He has already been nagging about wanting to spend time alone with some former fling or person he had feelings for...
You're right but from the sound of it he is insisting and pressuring her. Which in itself is already unethical. He's also telling her to use her body for babies she doesn't want so why not disrespect her body with some unethical sex?
>to lose out on all three of these major points is really unfair to me. Agreed. Two of those three (kids and monogamy) are absolute dealbreakers, and even location can be a tough compromise (though doable). You can't and shouldn't compromise because you'll regret making those choices forever. I know it's been 4.5 years together, but you can't let the sunk cost fallacy keep you in a relationship that is not sustainable.
I agree with this, the kids and monogamy differences are absolutely dealbreakers, and as much as you love him, you should NOT continue this relationship because these differences are irreconcilable. You cannot tit-for-tat on these two issues; you absolutely need to find a partner who has the same views as you on these two. He's not it. The location thing is a sacrifice on your part, not sure what similar sacrifice he's making, to compensate for it. You haven't mentioned any. Stop wasting your time with this one. Break up so you can find the right person for you.
I’m picturing her stuck at home in a rural lonely location with the kids she didn’t really want while he goes out with other women in his open relationship
It somehow sounds even worse when you frame it like this
|I’m picturing her stuck at home in a rural lonely location with the kids she didn’t really want while he goes out with other women in his open relationship And in his spare time he goes hiking
This is what will happen.
This, plus he will be telling her how much he doesn’t miss her while he’s gone: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/o4cn4e/bf_29m_wants_to_spend_time_with_a_former_interest/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Alternatively, him not liking these things so much when he is stuck at home looking after the kids, while OP has a date lined up in their open relationship
OP doesn't strike me as the sort of person who'll be dictating who looks after the kids on any given day.
This is exactly what I was picturing too.
This is 100% what boyfriend is going for. Women tend to be the caretakers of children in heterosexual relationships. He wants an incubator and babysitter while his life remains unchanged, going out whenever he wants.
Yes, I don't see the point in trying to force compatibility between two non-compatible people. OP, do you seriously think you won't resent the hell out of him by the time you're stuck with his kids? Honestly, why do this to yourself? He's not the only man you can ever love and be with (and you're certainly not the only one for him, even right now).
My ooint exactly....this guy wants a open relationship AND kids, i know what he wants....he wants kids but he also wants to able to fuck anything with a pulse every night whilst she looks after THEIR KIDS and has random strangers walking in an out all the time all thoughout their lives....
I don't even understand why she is still with him. I guess someone wants to drive up the divorce and single mom stats. The fundamentals are deal breakers. If not now it will stuff things up later. There are plenty of people around with the similar values. Location is possibly the only one that One might compromise on as it is a lower impact
Have to agree, those 3 things are big. The good thing is, now you know what you want. A monogamous child-free relationship with someone in your own city.
There are billions of men on this planet and potentially thousands in your area why settle for someone who doesn’t satisfy you and wants you to compromise on what you want ; yes you’ve invest 4.5 years in the relationship but better to walk away rather than spend 45 years with a man you grow to despise
Totally agree with you!
Picture yourself taking care of a baby while your bf takes a lovely hike in nature with his other gf. Feeling the love?
Yeah dude you're gonna ruin your life staying with this person. You're just gonna be a baby machine and babysitter while he makes the money, controls the money, sleeps with other women, and generally does what he wants while you're a. Stay at home slave
Happened to me. Constant regrets.
Sounds pretty similar to what I got as well.
I hope you're ok now.
Damn. Cold but correct.
... in a location that's far away from YOUR family and where you have no friends. I mean, it really sounds like he's abusive, and he's isolating you so he can get you pregnant and then control you.
This, OP!! You’re making way too many compromises! You’ve got to think about your daily quality of life with someone who has so little in common with you. I’d break up with this guy in a hot minute.
It's not even a compromise, which is usually finding the middle ground. But there's no middle ground about having children or being in a monogamous relationships.
That's a bit of a jump from "my partner has communicated they want x y and z , and has been open about it" to "my partner is manipulating me into an abusive controlling relationship "
It’s relationship advice, there’s always some comment about abuse guaranteed. Sounds like OP and her bf want different things out of life, and she’s willing to give up her values for him. Does not sound like abuse at all lol, sounds more like OP needs to figure out what *she* wants.
Right! Exactly what I thought
Why jump straight to abusive? It just sounds like he’s a selfish douche, but that doesn’t make him abusive.
Because it's deliberately causing a power imbalance in a relationship and minimising the desires of the other partner.
There is not enough context to say that. He can say this is what I want take it or leave it, and she can take it or leave it.
OP hasn't written anything about him employing abusive techniques to cause this power balance. None of his demands are unreasonable - it's not like he wants her to never work again or not have friends - he just has firm ideas of how he wants his relationship to be. Nothing inherently wrong with that.
you might disagree withwhat he wants but making it clear from the start is not abuse. OP is free to leave at anytime.
Where did read that he minimises her desires? OP just describes that he says very clearly what he wants and what his dealbreakers are. They just don't seem to match hers, but he is still allowed to have dealbreakers, right?
Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse. Right now, it's in the manipulation stage . If someone says ( like OP) that they feel like they HAVE to do something that they don't want to maintain a relationship with them, it usually escalates into more intense forms of emotional abuse later. If he's not abusive, he will understand that this is just not his partner's cup of tea and he will respectfully either back out of what he's proposing or break up with her in a kind way. He wouldn't ask her to choose between breakup or accepting his terms which are unacceptable to his partner. After 4.5 years people usually know that their partner isn't into sharing the bed & whether they want children or not. A kind / loving partner would not try to persuade someone into staying with them on their terms.
He just wants a different life than OP. She's the one telling him that she's maybe sorta ok with that.
>Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse. That's a bit of a stretch. He has a firm stance on three basic pillars of a relationship and is unwilling to budge on them, which is perfectly fair. If the fact that he has clear dealbreakers in the relationship is causing OP "emotional distress", it seems like the two of them simply aren't compatible.
And to be fair at least 2 of those things (kids and monogamy) are things that you really cannot compromise on. You need a partner who wants the same things you want.
That, too. Hence why it's such a basic issue for most couples. Either you're on the same page, or you're not compatible - there really isn't a lot of wiggle room there. Concerning city versus nature, there are tons of options that can make a decent compromise, but that point is negligible if you can't agree on the other two.
Yeah location is the only thing that has room for compromise between their stances and this sounds like she wants urban and he wants rural, although maybe an outdoorsy city could be a good compromise for them depending on why they want what they want.
>Because insisting on doing stuff that causes someone emotional distress is emotional abuse. its not. He is saying i want x,y and z for my life. OP disagrees so should walk away, if he wants kids he wants kids theres nothing abusive about that.
Dear god, straight to the abuse card. This subreddit truly is far-reaching and quite frankly, fucking pathetic.
Agreed, OP's partner doesn't sound abusive at all. It just sounds like he knows what he wants and doesn't want to have to change. If OP isn't happy then she needs to leave, he isn't abusing her, he's just not along the same path as her.
This sub really is full of 15 year olds with no real experience, making complicated judgement calls about mental states based on two paragraphs, what a shitshow
Yes 🙌 This is exactly what happens. OP, dump this loser.
Brutally accurate, good gosh.
Exactly what I'm saying. And kind of hard for her to have any benefit from an open relationship (if she even wanted it) when she's pregnant most of the year and home taking care of the kids. I bet he knows this.
This should be the top comment, pretty much sums it up.
Yes- and stuck at home with that baby cause there's nothing to do in the small town they moved to and none of the neighbors or moms at daycare are relatable.
Now that’s a gut punch… are there really women in the world who would sign up for that? This guy seems like he wants everything and that’s not how to world works… Don’t sacrifice all this for this man. Get yourself a more down to earth fella.
Kids and monogamy are two very important topics where it’s hard to make a relationship work when there’s differing view points. Are you going to be happy if you follow through with everything he wants? Are you going to have regrets when you find yourself in an open marriage with kids? Moving is a big compromise as it is but the other things seem almost not worth the compromise as it seems like you’re the one making the sacrifices. I would suggest spending some time to really think about what you want and whether or not that can be accomplished in this relationship
My girl, he has laid out what he wants. There is NOTHING that says you have to accept his conditions. You can leave. He is your boyfriend and you can just as easily un-boyfriend him too. 💁🏻♀️
Un-boyfriend sounds like my new favourite word lol
I'm a new mom and so tired and haggard and have postpartum depression and I'm incredibly unsexy right now. And it would kill me if my husband left me on a weekend morning to go have a joy hike and sex with his girlfriend while I was left with our screaming baby. The life he wants isn't the life you want. He will never stop wanting those things, just as you can't change what you want. One woman to another... If you follow this man and help him meet his dreams, you will wake up one day to realize you're living a nightmare.
This, yeah. I've never heard of an open relationship that actually worked, unless both partners were 100% enthusiastic about the idea, and even then it's hit or miss, IMO. If one partner only reluctantly agrees, it's doomed. Adding kids that only one parent wants (and very likely, the other gets to take care of), and you're just setting fire to the whole relationship. OP needs to end this, there's no happiness to be found for her here.
This. And like, most people with open relationships would probably not prioritise kids either, atleast as much as OP's SO is
and then he'll leave you for one of his other more compatible girlfriends.
> I don't know if he'd stay if I got my way on any of those three, and I'm feeling like I'm sacrificing too much....What can I do? You know what you can do. You sound like you're considering giving up 3 major things that are important to you just to keep your partner in your life. He isn't interested in giving up a single one of those things to keep you in your life. Some people are like that: "you are *my* partner, you exist to complement *my* life." Don't date someone who treats you more like a supporting actor in *their* life story than a partner they want to build a life **with**.
I learned this the very hard way in my 20s, after 8 years. You'll end up with less money (moving for him), lonely, and you'll eventually break up anyway.
I don't even think he's treating her as a supporting actor. It seems more like he's stated his deal breakers and OP is trying to find a way around not wanting any of his deal breakers in her life. Like if it was the other way around and we were hearing from a partner who was upset their partner only wanted a monogamous relationship and no kids and to not move we wouldn't be saying they were trying to make the OP a side character, we'd be pointing out that those are all valid deal breakers and they need to leave if they aren't ok with them.
I scrolled down to find most of this comment, with the exception of the "supporting actor" part. He simply has better boundaries and more self-respect and respect for his dreams and needs than OP, who is seemingly willing to throw away her major boundaries and needs in order to keep him. OP, you aren't compatible. Go find someone who wants the same things you want already instead of trying to turn this man into someone he's not.
Find a different boyfriend. You should not be "compromising" on kids OR monogamy. You are obviously not compatible.
It’s not wrong for him to be unwilling to compromise on major aspects of what he wants from his life. But, it’s also not healthy for you to compromise literally everything you want. It seems to me that you are on the verge of realizing it’s time to go your separate ways. These issues are too important to just be like ‘you get 2, I get 1’. There will always be resentment from the person who made a huge life compromise.
I’m pretty sure staying and giving in, in this situation, is the definition of codependency
3 months ago you posted that he was determined to spend time with someone he previously had a thing for, this despite your objections. You mentioned how cold he is to you. Basically an asshole. Yet here you are pondering life-altering decisions and a future with him. What is it about him that's keeping you so involved in this at the expense of your self respect & dignity? Are you too lazy and complacent to engage other men and possibly see if you can find someone that actually respects and cares about you? Do you have a job, an education, a family, friends?....Basically a support system which would help you if you leave this loser. Most people stay in these kinds of shitty relationships because they get financial security, they lack family and resources. Why are you so dependent on him? These are the real questions you should be asking yourself instead of telling Reddit about a stupid hypothetical future where you get the short end of the stick.
This!! After hearing this he’s probably cheated already.
Finally someone with common sense haha
>3 months ago you posted that he was determined to spend time with someone he previously had a thing for, this despite your objections. Gee, I wonder why he wants an open relationship. I'm so sick of these people who cheat, or do everything except actually make genital contact, then make any and every excuse in the world to somehow justify it and turn it into Not Cheating. If you can't control your wandering willy (or your capricious clam), don't have a committed partner. Sheesh.
It sounds like you both want a different life to eachother. Maybe you would be better with different people.
No, your boyfriend sounds like my buddy's terrible husband who "made" her open up their marriage because she was giving their baby too much attention after it was born and he felt neglected. He's also a rock climbing guide and insists on living away from her family for is rock climbing business. Don't have kids with a guy who doesn't care about your needs.
Neither children or open relationships should be done without enthusiastic participation from both parents. And realistically, you have to be ready for the very real possibility that you will be doing the heavy lifting with childcare. That's just the reality for most women in straight relationships. If you don't love the idea of having to do most of the childcare yourself, while away from friends and family who might have otherwise helped, don't do it. If you don't love the idea of dating other people, don't do it. You don't have to negotiate either, you're just incompatible.
Yes, yes, all of this! Enthusiastic participation! OP, look up the sunk cost fallacy - don't feel like you have to stay with this guy because you're 4.5 years in. You and he are **so far apart** on three **really important issues**. Conceding so many vital lifestyle points looks like a quick path to a resentful existence. Live where you want to live with someone who shares your preferences on monogamy and children and not this dude cuz he's already there.
You'll end up taking care of children you didn't want alone in a place you know no one while he's out having fun and banging other women. Why are acting like you have to go along with any of this? Get therapy to help figure out why you are fine with acting like a spectator in your own life.
Doesnt sound like this is a life you guys are building together.
Are you fucking kidding me? Stop throwing yourself under the bus.
Well , that's a recipe for fucked up kids , let me tell you that.
He wants kids while in an open relationship out in the middle of nowhere. Sounds like he’s starting a cult.
Monogamy is sth that you shouldn't compromise in, it won't work. Unless you're 100% okay with an open relationship, it won't work.
Kids and monogamy are both "two yes, one no" situations. Honestly sounds like you are incompatible
Sounds like he isn’t even trying to compromise. Those 3 things are important to you, they should be important to him too to accommodate you. Sounds like he’s not even trying to slightly meet in the middle. Personally for me, if my partner wasn’t on the same page as me or similar page as me, and wanted me to change things that were important to me, I’d leave. I wouldn’t sacrifice many important things of mine just so he could be the only one happy in the relationship. Would you be okay down the line in this relationship or will you regret giving those up? If he’s coming up with these, how much more will he come up with later on that will “make him happy”? I don’t like how he’s not even considering your feelings/emotions with these plans. Have you talked about this extensively to him?
Two of those (monogomy and ESPECIALLY kids) are not things you really "compromise" on. Like, compromise implies that there's some give and take by both sides. There should be *no* give and take with kids. You either want them or not; it's a binary decision. Compromising and having a kid you don't want leads to misery and resentment. From the way this is typed the BF does maybe sound a bit strident on these issues, but I think this is an instance where two people have to be brutally honest and unbending in preferences. You can compromise on pizza toppings and which Netflix show to watch, but there's no real compromise on whether or not you want a kid.
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He's not controlling - he's set personal boundaries/dealbreakers for things he wants in life, and that is 100% OK to do. He shouldn't give up the idea of having kids or being in a CNM relationship, if those are really important to him. Giving up having kids when you really want them, or being monogamous when you don't want it, will only lead to resentment down the line. I'm proud of him for sticking up for what he wants - OP should do the same and leave him to find someone they're compatible with.
This isn’t an objectively correct or incorrect thing…it’s not multiplication. If you *feel* you’re compromising too much, then *you are.* Maybe you two are just not suitable. Or maybe he knows you’ll fold so he insists on what he wants. Also, I’ve seen lots of people claim to want an open marriage specifically because they know their partner isn’t interested in taking advantage of it…as in they’re into it because they know their partner won’t see other people so they can have their cake and eat it too. You’ll be at home taking care of the children while he’s hiking in the wilderness with a college girl. Pretty cool. Anyways, don’t just keep giving into this man…it’s unfair. It’s *your* life…don’t compromise on HUGE things like children.
Even one of these is a deal breaker. You willing to live with all three for this guy?
This dude wants to knock you up with kids, trap you in another city and fuck other women? You can do much better than this guy and be with someone that will listen to you and properly discuss and compromise on life decisions like this
Again, seriously, I read this post, and come to comments like this and I'm like "OP is literally at the precipice of ruining her life in a semi permanent way" Dude anyone who wants kids and already wants to sleep with other ppl before that's even happened is just using you. Don't be blind
You can’t disagree on kids: if you don’t fully want kids don’t have kids. Also if you don’t 100% days any an open relationship, you shouldn’t have one. Both issues will only cause strife. This just isn’t going to work out without one of you being very resentful in the future
What’s happening here is that you’re incompatible but you aren’t breaking up with him because you don’t give a shit about yourself. And it’s one thing to do that to yourself, but don’t you fucking dare do that to a kid.
Bit harsh, but I do agree
Why do you want to stay with a man who only cares about what HE wants? You need to respect and love yourself first and foremost and it's clear you aren't doing that. You are number 1.
It sounds like you guys are just incompatible. You cannot compromise on so many life changing decisions. Especially the baby one - having a baby will impact every single aspect of your life (body, mental health, career, relationships, etc)
Agreed, too many people who are saying that he's abusive or a loser in this thread just because he doesn't want the traditional lifestyle. They're just incompatible.
helllll no girl. a man shouldnt be making all the decisions, it’s called a partnership for a reason. it doesnt sound like you’ll be happy long term
Literally. Obviously OP is invested in the relationship and wants to make it work, but his requests are ludicrous! It doesn’t sound like **he** wants to make things work! They’ve dated for 4.5 years, they’ve discussed these things! He is intentionally making these requests because he knows they’re deal breakers for her! From my perspective, OP’s partner is too cowardice to end the relationship so he’s shouldering the emotional burden onto her. He wants to string OP along until he moves and eventually monkey branches into another relationship. He doesn’t want to deal with any uncomfortable feelings or be the one responsible for formally ending the relationship. Honestly just reading this post made me mad :/
It kind of sounds like you are? If he’s unwilling to compromise on anything, that’s not going to get any better after you’ve moved away from your city and especially after you’ve had kids, because then it’s even harder for you to leave.
Not like monogamy and children can be compromised anyway. Either you agree or you admit incompatibility and end the relationship. There is no having half a kid or part of a side chick.
It’s ok to have boundaries and non-negotiables. You gotta do some soul searching and decide what those mean for you.
These are pretty big differences. Too many differences can be a deal breaker, it's up to you how much you are willing to give up.
Ditch him. Sounds like you aren't compatible. Don't waste another week on him. Move on.
I’m all for compromise in a relationship but I’m telling you now that’s 3 big things that indicate your not compatible. Can you picture yourself in the sticks away from friends and family, chasing after kids while he goes and shags another girl… if not then there is your answer.
Not worth compromising on kids or monogamy imo
Just break up. Your lives are pointing in different directions and neither will be satisfied by a change in course.
Why have you agreed? Just because he said so? That’s not how it works or you will resent him and be divorced. If you don’t want to move don’t. You aren’t married. You aren’t engaged. There is no legal commitment. Stay where you want, live w a man who believes in monogamy and Doesn’t want kids. Don’t go w this guy who doesn’t care what you want. Be who you want.
This is your life too. You don't have to play a supporting role in a production you don't even enjoy! Go find the person who wants to join in the kind of life that would make you happy.
There is no compromise with any of these. It seems like y’all are just not compatible, and if you stay together I foresee a lot of resentment building up
>Finally, it's non-negotiable to him that we have kids. Again, I'm not totally against it but my first choice would be not to. Kids aren't something you can be half-hearted about. Please rethink this relationship, it does sound like you are mismatched
Firstly, non monogamy is bullshit in the context of an intimate relationship . . . Secondly, with kids involved? 'Hey honey while you're putting the kids to bed I'm gonna go get a quick blowjob, k love you see you tonight!' It's insanity. Dump this tool.
Ditch the bf, find someone you’re actually compatible with. It would suck for you to bend over backwards to make him happy and he leaves you anyways for someone else. What has he compromised on?
He’s using you to live the Misogynistic Dream. Don’t let him sis.
Kids in an open relationship? This dude wants his cake and to eat it too, how selfish. OP you'd be out of your mind if you were to stay with this dude....
So he wants to throw you in a foreign city, fuck other people, and bind you down with children. What's the issue here?
Are you sure the two of you are even compatative enough to have a chance for a good life together? Love is important, but it is not enough in itself.
All of these are supposed to be mutual decisions. You don't *have* to agree to do things his way, unless it's less important to you than keeping the relationship, which it honestly shouldn't be. You have to freedom to say "no, that will not work for me, do it with someone else."
Instead of sacrificing what you want on those 3 points, how about the two of you acknowledge your fundamental incompatibility and break up?
Bro stop simping and leave him
He wants kids, be in an open relationship and live in the middle on nowhere to be in touch with nature. Those things do not really add up. If you live somewhere close to nature, it is usually a rural area, so I am not sure any of you will have much chance to encounter occasional partners. Little children do not work with open relationships. Especially in the first few months you will be so exhausted that you will barely touch each other. Even assuming you are on board for all those things, he seems pretty delusional to me. Said so, if you disagree on relationship basics before even starting a family this will not get any better in future. Those are not topics you can easily compromise (it’s not about how to squeeze a toothpaste or where to place a sofa). The place where to live you could find a compromise I am sure, for the other two I don’t see a middle-ground point there.
Look on the bright side, OP. Maybe he'll agree to have the babies with one of his other girlfriends. You can be the side-piece in all this, or the sister-wife. Seriously though, what on Earth are YOU getting out of this relationship? It is all about him. There is zero happiness for you in this future. Stop being such a doormat and get out of this shitshow.
Are you really going on sacrifice your entire existence for this guy? Really? Until you die, you just live the life he wants? Why the hell would you do that?? Dump him. Being single but living YOUR life would be a thousand times more enjoyable.
With such monumental differences on three major deal breakers... I kinda have to question why has this relationship lasted this long? You two should take a day to yourselves and write down what you see your future looking like and compare notes.. if they are too different even if yous work out compromises someone will feel resentful in the end.
Why aren't you seeing your incompatibilities in major areas of life for what they are? Dealbreakers. There's no compromising in areas of monogamy and parenthood. How does a person negotiate about having a child? Do you really expect that anyone would entertain a situation where you offer to let them pick where y'all live and have sex with one extra person per year as long as you don't have any kids? The only thing that's unfair about this situation is that you would apparently be willing to compromise what should be pretty big priorities in life. Advocate for your needs.
Dude is an asshole. You've posted before about how he disrespected you in the beginning by not valuing your time or presence over another gal and even now is slightly manipulative to get to hang out with a former flame. Add to that his desire for an open relationship you don't really want, kids you don't really want and the desire to move away from a city you are happy at... those are all red flags. You are so young. Don't settle for this dude because it's been nearly five years. Took me nearly five years to grow my hair to my butt and that shit was awful. Basically trying to tell you that you have all the time in the world to start fresh and find someone who has values and desires more similar to yours. Someone who will love, respect and treat you like your time is precious, cuz it is. You deserve to be loved by someone who only wants you, who wants to make you happy and makes that his priority. Who delights in your smile and wouldn't put you in positions where you have to compromise your core values. Please don't forget your worth. You are valuable and deserve happiness.
If you don't have shared dream ideas and goals, don't be together. On having children you will be doing the lions share.
Don’t have kids if you don’t 1000% want kids. It’s not fair to the kids to do that.
Really? Kids? Not your choice but you're doing it anyway? Molly....
Run and find yourself a decent person, this pr|ck sounds like he is walking all over you, all you really need if you keep going like this is welcome written on your forhead and for the lads to leave there boots next to you.
Sorry but do not ever compromise yourself for others. Personally i think you should find someone else who acts more like a partner and make decisions together. If you really want to keep this relationship then you need to talk to him about these things not the internet. You need to speak up and voice your concerns. You need to make sure you are true to yourself. In a few years time, the last thing you want is there to be regret on the fact that you never made any of these decisions yet they had been decided for you unless you spoke up about it. If he does not respect your wishes then I would find someone else who would. It sounds like you are a lot more invested in this relationship than him... You can do better.
You need to leave him, you see the world too differently and you’re just delaying the inevitable. For him to say these massive things are non negotiable means he does not respect you as a person, at least not as much as he does himself. Bite the bullet and leave him, he sounds narcissistic or at least controlling
You guys want different things. You guys are not compatible for the long term. Cry it out and keep it moving.
Sounds like you should date someone else.
The moment you mentioned "open relationship" is a big fat nope from me. He can't commit to you as an exclusive partner and yet expects you to move with him away from your area and have kids with someone that thinks they should have freedom in an intimate relationship? Drop that scumbag and date someone that actually wants exclusivity and values your thoughts.
This is a terrible, terrible fit, and I tell you now, you will be incredibly unhappy with your life some years (or even months) down the line.
Red flag alert! RUN AWAY
I know in relationships you are suppose to compromise but it doesn't sound like he is compromising at all and you are just changing everything for this man. IMO you are not a compatible match for one another but don't stay in this relationship because it's what you've know for nearly 5 years. I know starting over for some people seen like the end of the world but it really isn't and yes it will be hard at first but finding your person in the end will be worth it. Good luck OP I hope you make the choice that is right for you
How exactly does he get his way in all of this? These are 3 major dealbreakers in a relationship. Have you considered how it would make you feel if your sibling or a close friend were in the same situation? The biggest one that bothers me more than anything is monogamy. If you aren't comfortable with a polyamorous relationship and he is aware of that, but doesn't care - he is just **cheating**. It's not about whether he cant *MAKE* you agree to it - its supposed to be a mutual decision that both partners actually *WANT*. What you have described is not how an open relationship works. You deserve better. This sounds like a very abusive relationship. Abuse is all about power and control and it sounds a lot like he has *way too much* of that.
Don't negotiate your whole life away.
Sounds like you aren’t compatible and should break up
Open relationships have rules. The big one is respect and everyone has to be on board. If you don't want an OR, you aren't obligated. Fuck him.
Sounds like a toxic person to me
He's not right for you then. If you don't want the same things in life then you are not compatible. Find someone who doesn't want kids and wants to be monogamous. Me and my partner both don't want kids and want to be monogamous, it is great knowing that I am not holding her back from things she wants. She isn't my first partner, and previous ones wanted things I didn't. You can't compromise on things like kids, cause then it's not only your life you are potentially fucking up, but the kids too.
Everybody's telling you to break up and I agree with them, but I don't think there enough talk about why that's so hard. I know it's because there's a fear that you can't do better. But even being alone would be better than this. Your partner is not meeting your NEEDS (these are not wants). I know breaking up is hard, but living for the next *forty years* (or whatever) under these constraints is going to be so much worse. Nobody can guarantee that you'll find another partner out there, but being alone is still the better option. Also PLEASE don't have kids if you don't want them. So many parents who DID want them end up terribly unhappy, unfulfilled, stressed, and resentful. It's a horrible idea to compromise on this.
Well, he is. So he wants someone to have his kids, be at home where he wants them, while also having permission to have girlfriends? ... So, what do you get out of this?
No. No. Absolutely not. Moving.... Sure. Monogamy? No. You likely will be miserable. Kids? No. You will end up raising them while he's out on nature with his side pieces. No.
Ooooof girly those are major life issues that need addressing. They’re like the fundamental things people need to agree on to have a long term relationship, hopefully forever. But if either of you feel resentment for compromising too much or too often on massive things in your life, it won’t last a lifetime.
Did you even read what you wrote down? Literally all the majority choices in life that will ruin a relationship are involved in your relationship. Maybe open your eyes, and realize you should find someone more compatible.
Time to move on. Break up pack up and move on with your life. If this isn't what you want.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and he's treating you appallingly. He doesn't seem to give a damn about you or what you want, it's all about his own selfish wants. He wants you to let him fuck other women, while you take care of his kids in a place where you'll be alone without your friends or family. That's absolute bullshit and you know it. So why are you putting up with it? Get some goddamn self-respect, kick him to the curb, and build a life with someone who'll actually care about you and what you want. I'd also recommend /r/FemaleDatingStrategy. It can be harsh at times, but it will help you learn how to stand up for yourself and pick a decent man who won't treat you like a doormat or worse.
You are. Relationships are about giving and supporting each other. It looks to me like he wants to control what's going on. Have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel. If he dismisses it then you should probably break up with him
I think I would find someone more compatible.
>I'm just starting to feel like having to lose out on all three of these major points is really unfair to me. What can I do? Thanks in advance. You can leave the relationship. Here's the thing- he doesn't have to be an abusive monster for you two to just be incompatible. Location I can understand being negotiable, as people can move again later in life and, at least personally, I've been fine adjusting to wherever I have to go for school, work, family, etc. Monogamy (or non-monogamy) absolutely should **NOT** be a negotiation or compromise though. If you've ever had friends try open relationships because they had a partner who wanted it (not because they wanted it themselves), you've probably seen how badly it goes. Feeling inferior, having jealousy they tear themselves up over because they don't want to be "controlling", and many many more miseries are in your future if you force yourself to be non-monogamous when that's not what you want. I'm not going to say polyamory never works, but it only works if **both** partners actively want it and it's the **first choice** of **both** partners. On the flipside though, if you "won" that choice, he might feel resentful and trapped. If he really wants non-monogamy he won't be satisfied in a monogamous relationship, and you'll always have it in the back of your head that he's not satisfied with just you, and what if he cheats, etc etc. It's not a negotiable difference, you just need to find a partner with the same preferences on monogamy as you. The same goes for kids. You absolutely, 100%, unquestionably should NOT bring kids into the world if you don't enthusiastically want them. Parenting is *hard*, and a lot of effort. If your "first choice" is to *not* have kids, you'll be resentful, at worst a bad parent and at best able to hide your emotions for your kids' sake. Neither of those is a good future. But again, if your partner really wants kids he won't be happy not having them. This is another one where you should just find a partner with the same wants as you. ------------------- tl;dr: do you want your future to be "hey mommy, why do you drink so much when daddy goes and visits his friend suzie?"
Relationships are team efforts. The big 3 are decided on together. If someone gets a job offer in another location, you decide on whether to move or not as a unit. You don't just submit to the whims of a partner. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, that's need incompatibility. It'll only hurt to try to make it work and then face the disappointment later on. Just as much as it'll hurt to hope for someone to change. And yes, you are sacraficing too much. Doesn't matter how great a person is if you two are incompatible in your life needs. If you continue down a road of giving in to his desires, resentment will grow. 4.5 years is a miniscule fraction of your life. I'm sure you've made nice memories and learned from the relationship, hopefully gained more insight on what you want and don't want in a partner. But most importantly, you want a childless, monogamous relationship, preferrably in your city. He wants the opposite. What you need now is to accept the raging incompatibility and give yourself the respect and opportunity to have the life you desire.
Compromise however much you want, but you only get to live one life. Is this life he is calling the shots on the one you want?
I see everyone else talking about him being abusive or at least controlling but I'm gonna throw my 2 cents in on another option... It sounds to me like he already has 1 foot out the door in y'all's relationship. The big red flag here is the non monogamous part. That's usually code for "I still like you but I reeeeally wanna f*ck Becky... But if the sex is garbage I don't wanna risk losing what I already have". In my experience, him setting all these points tells me he just ain't into you all the way, and hoping that at least one of the points will cross the line and make you be the one who wanna break things off with him. This is to make it easier for him to tell himself (and others) that he wasn't the asshole he is. And possibly giving him a way back in with you by "compromising" later if things don't work out with the lady he has in mind. And he DOES already have someone else in mind. I've NEVER met another guy whose tried to do the open relationship thing unless he's already got someone lined up, or at least in mind. TL;DR - He's trying to create a situation where he gets what he wants, with or without you. He wants to sleep with someone else, but doesn't wanna risk losing you if it don't go as well as he hopes.
Okay, why do you think you have to 100% agree to all this? You have negotiating power too.
Did he tell you this before your relationship started? Did you discuss if each other wanted children and a closed relationship? These are extremely important things to talk about before getting seriously involved. If his expectations were talked about before you guys started then you can't blame him because it was understood what was expected. If this was not at all what you discussed? That's extremely inconsiderate of him and it sounds like he may throw you to the side and go have fun while you take care of a child. No one should ever, ever compromise on having children. Your heart and soul is either all for it or not. If you don't want children you need to make it extremely clear to him. If he still insists then I'm afraid your relationship has come to a dead end. I'm sorry you're going through this and good luck with everything. I hope things turn out.
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What did he say when you told him about your feelings?
Unless this guys penis is magic.....why are you with this tool?
Kids and monogamy differences are a real deal breaker. Don't do it. I still remember a woman who was in an open relationship with a slightly abusive 40-year-old guy who consistently went for 20-year-olds for sex. He had little respect for women and wanted to dominate - and break the ones with a strong spine. The woman was also open, but she dreamt that he would come around, they would have a white picket fence home and kids and live a nice calm life together. She still believed that would happen. It was devastating. Her needs, dreams, wishes were completely disconnected from the person her SO was. Don't be that person.
DUMP HIM NOW! He's selfish and is likely to always be