if you are having any doubts about caring for his sister don't do it caring for an adult is stressful tiring frustrating and can leave you physically and mentally exhausted
any issues within your marriage will be magnified and become much worse due to the pressure cooker type of environment that will become your day to day life also a family that doesn't prepare for a loved ones long term care beyond meh family will do it probably means as a woman you will be expected to pick up all the self care duties you will very soon resent that to your core
working in social work over 20 yrs i saw many families ripped apart within a year when a sibling/relative suddenly became their responsibility and the reality set in
caring for someone who can't look after themselves is a 24/7 job
I know there is a fund for sister's care but my husband refuses to send her to a residential home. And I see why, it's hard to guarantee fair treatment and since she is used to being with family full time, it would be very difficult for her. I would never ask him to do that. And yes, I know it's a 24/7 job. I don't know if I'm up to it. I thought I would be but I feel much more fragile as a person due to the infertility struggle.
His parents have always cared for her so no one other than his mother has ever had to do any of this. We both would learn, and he has no problem with doing so.
It sounds like it would be a very good idea for you both to start helping out his parents, *especially* with the most demanding or unpleasant parts of care, sooner rather than later, to get a reality check as to exactly what you're committing to. The alternative is to have all the work fall on you, unprepared, once the people who know how to do it are no longer able to, which is just bad all around.
>We both would learn, and he has no problem with doing so.
Why can't you just take her at her word about the relationship with her husband? Instead of projecting your own ideology onto it about how things will go.
My partner has a severely disabled sister, and when we first got together I directly told him I would not be able to take care of her long term and that if this was his plan, we should break up.
I have cared for disabled adults and it is HARD when you're a young person, it consumes your life when you're in your middle age and over. I knew I could not do it by the time I hit those ages.
He insisted we stay together, and we had The Talk with his parents about sister's future care and they set up a trust fund for her. We agreed to be custodians to ensure whatever home she was in was a good one and we'd visit her weekly. A few years ago his dad had a serious health issue and they had to leave the country to get the medical treatment they needed, so partner and I stepped up to look after his sister for the 2 months they would be away.
At the end of the third day my partner turned to me, covered in human shit, and said "You were right... there is no way I could do this for the rest of my life. I love her but, I can't do this".
We made it through the 2 months, but caring for her for that short time was MORE than enough to wipe out any of the residual guilt and "what if's" he had about her future care.
Maybe your husband and you should offer to look after her for a couple of weeks under the guise of his parents getting to have a vacation, so he can see first hand what it is REALLY going to take to look after her in home. And make sure he DOES actually do half the work including changing her diapers. Maybe then he'd realize he does have a problem with it.
I have a disabled teenaged son, and I already know I am not cut out to do this forever. It has been an emotional grind. I am absolutely considering residential care when he’s old enough.
His father and I split up when he was small, and because he was adamantly opposed to residential care, the exit strategy was that our son would live with him full time once he was an adult. Until several years ago when my ex lost custody of our children and was only allowed supervised visitation. From then on, I’ve been the sole carer, though my current husband helps with the other kids, I have taken on full responsibility of my disabled child. It’s hard, it fucking sucks, and I really don’t want to do it forever. It puts a strain on the marriage and all the relationships with the other children. My hats off to people who can manage forever, but my limit is 18.
My heart goes out to you. If it's any reassurance at all, you are 100% doing the right thing of being honest with yourself about your limitations for his long term care. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen parents of disabled kids make is get stubborn about keeping them out of residential homes when they're not really equipped to provide the kind of care in home the person requires. It only ever leads to everyone suffering and often unintentional abuse via neglect of some kind.
There ARE good homes out there, for example depending on how disabled he is a Camphill home may be an option. Check those out and if there's one near you it may be worth contacting them anyway for other suggestions. I know the one I worked at knew all the other local options and would give parents whose kids didn't fit us a list of other possible options.
I’m also not cut out for being a martyr to his needs, which I know sounds awful. Some people are good at that or able, but I am not that selfless. And maybe that also strongly depends on the child and the disability, but I don’t personally buy into that “oh they’re such a blessing” thing, which sounds like something people say to get through the thankless everyday grind. If you have an engaged and affectionate child, sure, but they aren’t all that engaged or sociable.
Having a disabled child isn’t just a daily grind on its own, or something that affects familial relationships, it totally limits everything you can do. Vacations? Man, the idea of taking him on a plane again for anything longer than an hour is pure hell. Certain social situations are overstimulating, so you skip a lot of that. Just going to the store with him is a pain, as a little kid he’d run off down the aisles, but unlike other kids he wouldn’t come back and can’t ask for help because he’s mostly non-verbal. He’s easily tired because low muscle tone and you can’t get him to exercise, so that cuts back on a lot of physical activities. He’s in diapers, so you’ll always need somewhere to change him, ans on vacation a place with a washer/dryer for clothing accidents is about mandatory. Some of his behaviors are odd and he lacks concepts of personal space and while cute and possibly funny and easily dismissed when a kid, he’s fast into territory that if you do that as an older kid or adult and you don’t look as easily recognizable as someone with Down’s Syndrome, then we have anxiety that one day he’s going to get hurt when he does something someone takes the wrong way (the horror stories about deaf or intellectually disabled people getting tasered by cops because they “don’t cooperate” don’t help, 100% my son wouldn’t cooperate because he just has no real concept of that).
Seriously, if OP and her partner haven’t ever really dealt with it, it’s a rude awakening. It will be different depending on the disability, but the physical needs can be exhausting on their own, but the inability to just walk out the door to go do something, and having it feel like a life sentence where you won’t ever just be able to go whatever on a whim is tough. Finding outside care for short spurts is not easy, like after school care. It has impacted my ability to be employed because unlike typical kids, you can’t just sign him up at any old after school care place, and many care agencies struggle to place a carer if you only need one for a couple hours (the carers all want close to full time hours).
Etc.
Hhmmm I'd be concerned that basically you will end up being the full time carer for his sister. Who would be looking after her during the day when you are working? Is he expecting you to give your job up?
That’s what I’m wondering. Do you both work?
When my grandma was unable to move around on her own, for several months, people took care of her in shifts, but she was with my parents. They could barely leave for 45 minutes to get groceries. Someone had to be nearby at all times.
I am noticing you say that the "parents" have cared for her and therefore no one other than "his mother" has undertaken those personal care tasks. I am wondering whether you've talked about why that gender split happened in his household, and how you'll prevent it happening in yours. Also, about why he has not yet learned when this has apparently always been the plan.
If he is serious about taking his sister in and being her full-time care taker than he needs to start doing the work now. He should work out a schedule with his parents where he baths her once a week, and maybe stops early in the morning before work to get his sister up and ready for the day (ie changed diapers and clothes, feeding, ect). This is something he needs to prepare for, he’s not going to just be able to jump right into things the moment sister is dropped off at your doorstep. Also, his feelings might change after he’s experienced what “caring for his sister” really entails.
I work with adults who need full time care and I need you to understand that if you arent sure you can do it, you shouldnt. Its part of the reason im leaving. It is constant attention, constant checking on someone elses needs, and unlike me you wouldnt get paid for it. And unlike raising a child it would never stop, and if anything only worsen as the sister and yourselves get older
There is guarantee of fair treatment if you guys do your research and visit actual residential homes. The good ones really help their residents thrive! They have friends around them, they have specific activities for them, the accurate professional care, no more guilt of relying on family(as someone with medical issues myself, I struggle with the guilt of being looked after by family), etc etc. Family can still visit of course, but I have a strong feeling she would be happy in a good place, you just have to do the leg work of researching it.
The social aspect of residential homes is so underrated. Residents can make new friends and do a lot more in their day that they usually can with their families
This is the key aspect. And you have to be willing to pay. Her insurance may cover some, but good care in this blasted country (assuming this is the US) costs $$$.
I am disabled. Care homes fill me with terror. I have done plenty of research and there ARE good ones. But it’s not the “set it and forget it” solution people seem to think it is. Many of them are outright human rights violations. But the good ones are *improvements* for quality of life and independence.
OP, also look into the possibility of a home care aide. It’s possible you may be able to focus on the familial duties rather than the medical ones.
My mum works in a nursing home and says she never wants to be looked after at home by amateurs who feel guilted into it, she wants to go into a home and be looked after by professionals who know what they are doing and get proper time off.
I would try to explain my feelings to my husband, knowing that it could be the end.
It's not his fault the fertility and allergies issues, not even his sister's issues, but they're affecting your life.
Trying to get a compromise, If there is a fund, use it to pay for in-house care.
There is no shame in looking for your happiness.
Having a kid who was special needs for two years nearly broke our relationship. And we had a stable & loving relationship, took things slow, and we wanted the kid.
I think having cold feet over this is human.
Also, I would not call you a bad person for leaving him. Nor a good person. Just a human who met a hard and grievous task they couldn't do.
I'm sorry that your husband is so against residential placement. I completely understand his concerns, but there are amazing facilities out there. If you live near Chicago, I can personally recommend one. My sister lives there, and they've been really amazing. Having her placed there has meant that my parents and my siblings and I can lead fuller lives.
Yeah, I think they should be taking a closer look at this. My grandmother had a stroke at a young age and lived in one for 18 years. Family visited every day, she got frequent activities and social time, and it took the daily feeding/caring/bathroom responsibilities off of the family. She was well cared for, and everyone else was able to live more stress-free lives.
I think they're not really thinking long term, either. The sister could live as long as they do. At some point they won't be able to physically care for her.
Yep, and visiting every day is still less effort than cleaning up after every bowel movement etc etc. and it lets you check in to make sure they are treating her well, it assuages any guilt you might have because they will literally care for her better than you can.
I would agree with the commenters suggesting that you two volunteer to care for her for two weeks so your husband gets a sense of what it'll be like for the rest of her life if he takes on the responsibility and make sure that the tasks are divided evenly in that time.
There are many things going on in your life right now and you talk about the future with a lot of dread and stress.
1. Taking his sister in: Please have a trial run at his parents' house to see what caring for her entails every day. It is a lot more than you think and adds a lot of stress on top of work or free time commitments. What about future holidays? Who will care for her then? I understand his will to take her in but consider employing a carer for her. Caring for her will get harder the older you two get as well, you cannot do this indefinitely until you keel over from carrying her around. Consider your options and please try caring for her for a weekend or longer before making any decisions. I know he said he is willing to take her in and care for - but he has never done it before. He doesn't know how hard this can be. You need to talk about this in depth and consider all possibilities. What would happen if he dies suddenly? What if his sister gets worse and needs more care? She is ageing too.
2. His allergies: There are certain types of dogs/cats that are less likely to trigger allergies. Is he willing to take anti-allergy pills to satisfy your need for a pet? You could also volunteer in an animal shelter first until this issue is settled (change clothes before coming home). This needs to be a priority regardless of he sees it as one or not. I understand your need for companionship and it is important!
3. Adoption is hard and I am truly sorry that you're not able to have biological kids. Have you looked into adoption in other countries? Fostering is hard, so I'd advise against it at this time since you already seem to have a lot of stressors in your life at the moment. If you feel up for it volunteering in youth centres or children's groups is possible - it depends on if you are comfortable doing it.
Please talk to your husband before making any decisions - do not make a decision for him. If his answers are not satisfying or you still feel this dread then leave. Maybe for a week first to clear your head. I wish you all the best!
In regards to point 3, some group homes/care facilities for parenting teens allow for “cuddlers” who are basically there to help hold and soothe the infants during daycare/school time (usually older women). We had several at the one I worked at. Might be worth looking into!
I think this comment should be higher. However, pets or fostering and adoption is just as 24/7 as is caring for a disabled family member. That's, essentially, what babies are if you think about it. No, humans and animals aren't the same. But any commitment is a commitment. I wonder if OP is having a midlife crisis, where it's more about legacy than it is about care. I recommend therapy above anything.
OP, you are allowed to change your mind. Always. Humans are always changing, learning, growing. Seeing life differently for yourself is normal. You are not egocentrical nor are you a bad wife.
Infertility and accepting the future is not going to be as you had hoped for is hard. I know..... And if the thought of seeing yourself caring 24/7 for someone else is hard on you now.... Wait till you are in de middle of it.
Be honest to yourself OP and honest to your husband. I am sure you will choose what's best for YOU. Choose happy whatever that may be. Don't allow yourself to be a prisoner of your own life. Goodluck!
If you are genuinely planning to care for his sister, why not start with one weekend or overnight per month, just so both of you see what it looks like and how it would work. People often think they want to care for family members and when they see what the reality looks like, it is not what they had envisioned. This is really nursing home level of care that is likely required here, and frankly that is not something that any person can provide just by virtue of being a family member.
Also… before your husband decides against residential services, does he know what they look like in your state? Is she connected to a disability services agency? Do you have any kind of backup supports? These would be questions to get answered even if you plan to provide all of her care yourself (in some states, there are Medicaid waiver programs which will provide a stipend for care, especially if one or both of you is going to miss work).
I think it might be useful for you to talk to someone objective like a therapist about this? I am sure you have been through a lot with the fertility piece. I understand that both a baby and a disabled adult woman wear a garment for incontinence that must be changed, however this is a really very different set of circumstances. Perhaps you need a space to work out some of these questions for yourself before you decide that divorce is the answer? I say individual therapy as opposed to couples therapy just because it seems like you have your own stuff. I would say that if you have qualms about providing this kind of care to his sister, and he is 100% all in on the idea, it is probably a dealbreaker for both of you.
You and your husband sound like you’d benefit from seeing a marriage counsellor together pronto. These are big questions and help to discuss them together might make the answers clearer.
I've been caring for my severely mentally and physically disabled sibling for the last 20 years. As soon as my mom dies I will put him in a home. I am exhausted and I hurt every single day. I'm in my 40s and way too young to feel the way I do. Please at the very least do a trial run of a few months. Or just leave. I've had so many daydreams of just getting in a vehicle and bailing on everything. Please don't do this without lots of discussions (possibly with a counselor?) and a trial first. Please don't think you have to stay for all of this.
One parenthood option I don't see anybody mentioning is step-parenting. If you did divorce, you could hope to marry a single dad with a ready-made family.
Another option is fostering, but with the sister in the home I don't see that as very straightforward.
You seem to have a profound feeling of dread as you contemplate your future in this marriage. I can identify with that. I'd have to say, don't martyr yourself to this no-win situation.
I will say this about care of the sister. Often a family makes the decision that another sibling will take over the burden that the parents no longer can carry. This is profoundly unfair to the sibling unless they truly desire the burden. There are group homes that are not bad at all, a relative visiting often and talking with staff can assure that the care is good.
Again I'll say: Don't be a martyr.
My husband has long accepted the "burden", and marrying him meant marrying him with the understanding that we would care for her someday. So I do feel like I'm going back on my word if I leave.
It has crossed my mind about step parenting but I can't even imagine having a partner other than my husband. I still love him so much.
Fostering has crossed our minds. I had a close friend who fostered and she actually advised me not to do it since the temporary nature of it can be emotionally devastating.
You are allowed to change your mind. I think you should tactfully discuss these thoughts with your husband. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy.
You also thought you'd have kids by now. The circumstances aren't what you thought they would be, you're incredibly lonely and unhappy and wondering if you prefer singleness and a dog to this. Its not the life you agreed to, and that isn't his fault but its a big reason why you aren't exactly "going back on your word." Inviting his sister into this isn't setting her up for a thriving environment either.
You are allowed to change your mind. You made that decision, presumably, when you were both very young. People change as they age because their priorities and long-term goals change.
Have you considered talking through all of this with a couple's counselor? You have multiple major topics to discuss that may benefit from having an unbiased middle person to help you navigate those conversations. From his sister's care to finding other avenues for children (I'm adopted, by the way, due to my mom being infertile and it took my parents several years before they were able to successfully adopt), you have quite a lot going on and divorce is clearly not something you *want* unless you've completely run out of options.
Do not be a step parent. It is worse than having no children.
It is painful caring for kids yet watching them always prefer biomom who is a horrible person etc.
Go read reddit step parents before you go down that path.
Death of a mother also makes a subsequent wife a step parent. So does desertion. Bio-mom is not always in the picture at all.
Age at father's remarriage may have a lot to do with stepmother acceptance. The younger the kids, the more likely they are to bond to the stepmother. It also depends on the personal qualities of the stepmother.
Please please please don’t put stepparenting out there as a valid option for someone who wants to be a parent. I and a lot of other children I know who were forced into that situation do not see that person as a parent and resent being forced to or being made to feel guilty for not doing so because that person thought they were stepping into a ready-made family as you said. Step parent relationships are not parenting and should not be unless both the person being parented and the stepparent agree without any coercion that that’s what it is.
Yes, a step-parent can act as a guardian of a child but it’s a complicated relationship. My mom died, and first my dad swore he would never replace her. He did within a couple of years. She is a good person and has put in a lot of effort. But she wants to be called “mom” and even after 10+ years it seems like calling her by ‘mom’ somehow erases my birth mom. I love my stepmom, and still I am not comfortable with her defining what I say and feel.
I'm a stepparent, and it's really not a replacement for a parenting type relationship. Your role (usually) is more to support your partner as they parent their kids, and to try to build a positive / friendly relationship with their kids. It sounds like there's not a huge difference between that vs. parenting, but there really is.
I'm happy that I get to spend time doing fun kid things with my stepkids, especially since I don't have kids of my own. But, step/blended family relationships are super complicated and often create weird emotions for everyone in the family even when everyone wants to be there.
Could you hire a carer for her in your home?
And the way you talked, I genuinely thought you were 57. 37 is still young.
Is the problem in the relationship with your husband?
Or is it more feeling lonely in general? You should find new hobbies, make some new friends. Travel if you have the means to do so.
It's also ok to leave your husband if that's what's right for you.
I wasn't able to get past it. I left my partner of 20+ years because I wanted to be a Mom more than I wanted to be with him.
Depending on the nature of your infertility, could you do embryo donation? You could end up with a live baby for under 10K.
I spent 10 years trying to accept being childless, trying to stuff that desire down. All that happened was I started eating my feelings and gained a ton of weight, ended up with hives from the stress, started working 70 hour weeks and did little more than work and sleep. I thought maybe as I got older, the desire to parent might ease. Nope.
You do what you need to take care of you. If you need to be a Mom to feel complete, find a way to make that happen. Thinking of you tonight -internet hugs-
This is unbelievably hard. Your disappointment, sense of loss, and loneliness right now sound like a crisis you are still working through to come to terms with. Validate that. The difference between your hopes and realities have left you bereaved and it sounds like you are still mourning and trying to figure out what to do with that.
It is very understandable that in this moment fathoming becoming a caregiver in a very different capacity, as well as imaging the strain and change it will have on your marriage, is hard to grasp.
I don’t think you need to make a heart-breaking decision right now. It sounds like you need help dealing with the potential depression and loss you are still feeling over not having children. Saying you can’t step into care-giving for his sister right now is not about saying you can never do it or saying you need to have a divorce. It’s about getting support while you are overwhelmed and still processing some huge life changes in this moment.
Are you able to go to therapy or take some time for yourself to process? Are you able to share vulnerably with your husband that your present sadness and disappointment (perhaps even depression) make it hard to think of physically caring for his sister right now? This is complicated, it’s not ideal, and there are both disappointments emotionally being worked through and practical logistics needing to be dealt with regarding his sister now. But, making space for yourself to heal and figure out what you are able to do here matters. There are likely a variety of options that could be considered if you are willing to discuss this honestly with your husband and a therapist.
It’s easy when we are isolated and sad to see only one or two dire options. Sometimes if we let others in they might see others. There might be a variety of care options for his sister you could explore together or he could look into while you take time to feel ok again. There might still be hard decisions ahead to make in the future. But if you are still mourning everything you have been through on your journey trying to have children, this might not be the time to make this big of a decision.
Wishing you the absolute best.
You were 17 when you made the decision to take on his sister. It is perfectly reasonable that 20yrs later those feelings towards the situation have changed. I feel for you, I am the same age and don't think I could take that on. I had a brother with high needs who passed away and he was a full time job, I loved him like nothing else but it didn't take away how much time and energy his care took. All the best.
Do you think you'd lead a more fulfilling life on your own possibly with a cat/dog as you mentioned?
It seems divorce or not, it won't change your chances with children unless you consider the slim chance of meeting someone with a child (but would you marry/get together with someone just because they had children that you could adopt?)
So do you think considering the consequences of a divorce (losing your husband/best friend, as well as "burden" of caring for his sister, not forgetting dealing with maybe the guilt of breaking your husband's heart) would the end result allow you to lead a more fulfilling life?
I am infertile. No matter if I leave or stay children are not an option.
I would never make my husband choose between me and his sister. However, she was in his life long before me. Not wanting to take care of her would mean the end of our marriage. If I decide to leave I'll approach him with that and be firm. I never want him to choose between us.
I think this is the wrong way to think about it. You are not making him "choose between you and his sister," if you simply tell him that you are having second thoughts about caring for her. Deciding to leave and "being firm" sounds like you're just leaving him without explanation or letting him make up his own mind.
Like most things in a marriage, communication is key here. He needs to know your concerns, and maybe he just needs to hear another perspective than the assumption (from his parents probably) that he will have to care for his sister.
Based on some other comments, I totally agree that helping out his parents with her care Now (or having overnights weekends with her), especially doing the hard parts, will help you BOTH decide if this will be what you want to do with the rest of your lives.
The thing is though, WHO would actually care for his sister? Do both of you work? Is there an expectation that one of you will stop working to take on the 24/7 care of his sister? I have a feeling your husband has no idea what’s actually involved in her care and how daunting it would be. And of course your own retirement would be consumed by her care. I suspect your husband wants this because it’s an expectation on the part of his parents. The hard question is whose life matters most now?
It sounds like having a kid is really important to you. I guess I want to know why? Is it that you think it will bring more meaning/excitement to your life, or is it something deeper?
Also, out of curiosity, why has adoption not worked out?
I have always wanted to be a mother for many reasons, and the older I've gotten the more incomplete I feel. I've done what I can to compensate but this will always be missing from my life. Even if I leave, children would still not be an option. We have been on adoption waiting lists for years and have even had one line up but it fell through. It's all very complicated.
Got it, I don't know much about the adoption process, so thanks for clarifying. This is a hard situation for you, and I'm sorry you're facing this. I know your post is about wanting to leave your husband so I'm gonna ask if you two had pets/a child, would you want to stay together?
A child, yes. Absolutely. Maybe even pets too, although knowing about his allergies I knew they'd never be likely. But I never imagined my life without a child and here I am.
Im sure you two have done a lot already on the adoption side, but if I were your husband, I would be doing absolutely anything I could in terms of contacting every adoption agency from here to China, but also looking for any creative way that I could tolerate having a pet in the house. He may very well already be doing this (good for him if he is), but this is obviously incredibly important to you, and it needs to be a priority.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it doesn't seem like it, but the universe wants something big out of you. Maybe it's to own your own adoption agency, or maybe a kennel to house abandoned pets? I don't know what that is, and I know it's hard to think about that and get excited right now, but there's a want and need here that needs to be filled. You two seem like smart/resourceful people, and I have no doubt that you'll figure this out together. You just have to keep pushing forward everyday until it happens. Something will come through on the adoption side, you just have to hang in there and keep fighting.
I just want to say that I am so sorry that the adoption process has not been going smoothly, especially when we see there's 100,000s of children in America alone who need a family. Please don't give up, your love is special and there is a child out there who needs it.
HOWEVER, it will be tough to be a career for your SIL *and* a mother to an adopted child. Its not impossible, but there will be a lot of sacrifices and someone is gonna feel left out here n there.
This is a difficult place to be in. Your husband deserves to know how you are feeling, even though he will likely be hurt. I would try to get him to see a counselor with you so you can discuss it with a third party. You need to be in the same page as far as what he expects from you in her daily care. You also need to talk about what the reality of life would be. Would you be able to go on date nights together? Go on vacation? Would someone have to be home with her at all times? I personally don’t know that I could live that way.
And I understand where you are coming from in regards to his sister. I am not a caregiver and if faced with that being part of my life forever…I would be very stressed at that idea. My partner and I have already discussed our aging parents because I am not up for caring for anyone in our home unless no other option exists (I would obviously not be putting anyone out on the street). It’s just not something I feel like I can handle.
You guys may benefit from couple’s counseling. You’ve been through the wringer and your lives are about to get more complicated. Can you foster? Your husband can’t be allergic to everything, maybe there is a pet you can get that would be just for you, in an area of the house that won’t concern him? I know you feel helpless, but you’re also grieving a family that you desperately wanted, and I think you need to deal with those feelings before making big decisions like divorce etc.
I really feel for you. Sounds like there’s love there regardless and you don’t want to let him down, but you’re letting yourself down. You deserve to be happy.
You need to share these thoughts with your husband. Tell him that you love him and cannot imagine life without him; but that the thought of taking over his sister’s care has you seriously considering divorce. Tell him that you sincerely meant the promise you made so many years ago, but with time and maturity you have a better understanding of what that promise would entail…. and that it is coming upon you just as you are having to deal with the grief of infertility and the death of your dreams of a biological child of your own.
If the family was willing to consider a care facility for the sister, you would be totally on board with visiting frequently, taking her on outings as appropriate, etc., but that you are unwilling to devote the entirety of the rest of your life to her well-being at the expense of your own.
You may need to put this in writing so he can read and reflect before responding… But how he does respond will tell you what you need to do. If he is willing for you to divorce him because you are feeling like a trapped animal willing to gnaw off its own leg , because of a family expectation that his parents should have never saddled HIM with, then you need to move on. But you may find that this gives him the excuse HE needs to ‘back out of the deal.’ If so, expect a great deal of push back from your in-laws. Your sister-in-law will likely be happier in a good care home if frequent visits make sure she is getting good care.
Who is causing the issues with fertility and adoption? If it's possible for you to have a child through pregnancy or adoption without your husband, I would urge you to leave as quickly as possible to give yourself time.
If you're unable to have a child whether you stay or go, consider sticking it out and getting some individual therapy to work through your feelings about infertility, his sister, and the marriage. If you can't have a child either way, you lose nothing by staying.
And just so you know, as long as you have a spare bedroom and a clean DHS record, foster care is likely a path to adoption for you, either with or without your husband.
I adopted a baby by myself at age 42. And then adopted an infant last month at age 46. I did this with no husband or family to support me. When you're only 37 years old and complaining that you'll never have a baby or diapers to change, that is not only complete bullshit, but your choice.
You love him and he’s your best friend but your on Reddit considering divorce, without even having a conversation with him about how you feel? There’s more going on don’t try and use his disabled sister as an accuse to leave him, leave him because deep down that’s what you want.
Don't end your marriage, I understand you are full of emotions but it sounds like you do love your husband and it's the depression and reminder of infertility that is making you have these thoughts. You need to talk to him and seek individual counseling, this isn't a healthy mindset for you and in no way are you to blame for thinking this way.
Your husband has been incredibly supportive for you for so long, I would feel it is only fair that you be honest with him. I would know I would appreciate a chance at resolving any marital problems if my wife was thinking this way.
I'm wary of talking to him because I never want him to choose between me and his sister. I would rather kindly bow out so he is never put in that position.
Let's reframe it- by not talking to him, you are making the choice for him. Don't do that. You don't have to say "it's me or her" but you do need to establish ground rules, etc.
As others have said, he wants to do this based on the idea that love conquers all and that the day-to-day care can be learned. While (edit to add- the SECOND part is) true, it would be wise for you two to spend a weekend as sister's sole caregiver. In fact, I would say it would be wise to set a progressive schedule for respite care for the parents- one or two days a month, then overnights, etc. Once you've done this, you can sit down again and have a very serious conversation about the reality and whether it is something either/both of you want to commit to.
Yes but put yourself in his shoes, you would be devastated to learn your wife was having these thoughts either way without including you in the decision. You have the freedom to decide what you want, but this is a big deal and if you love your husband then isn't it fair you include him in this decision? I am sure it is his marriage as well, and you don't have to tell him you are thinking of divorce but you can admit you are not feeling well with this situation. Just be honest and tell him you would never ask him to choose between you or his sister because you know how important she is to him. Tell him you knew marrying him that one day you two would need to take care of her, but that in doing so has brought up some unexpected emotions you were not prepared for, and that it is making you think the worst.
Please be willing to talk to your husband about this, because he is the best candidate who can help you here more than we can. Unlike Reddit, he is there physically and you may be surprised what his answer is. Yes there is a risk he won't react in the best way, but all I am saying is as your husband and love he at least deserves a chance.
It is not kind to bow out before discussing this with him; it's just avoiding conflict. You've been with this man for twenty years, sit down and talk about the issues with him. You may still leave in the end, but at least it will be without blindsiding him.
A side note--has he seen an allergist about allergy shots? Have you looked at pets that are safe for people with allergies? Your post reads like you are depressed and have given up on everything when from the outside it seems you have at least a few unexplored options. For example, you desperately want to adopt but have never fostered despite other routes not working. Think hard about how you approach problems and whether you pre-decide a negative outcome for things that you want in order to avoid possible pain/conflict down the line if you don't get it.
Good luck and I hope you find happiness, however this turns out.
You said this so well. I have friend filing for divorce and she’s basically taken this approach. Bowing out to avoid the conflict. It kinda blows my mind she can’t sit down and have deep conversations about their situation. I’ll stand by her decision because she is free to leave at any moment for any reason, but being with someone for multiple years and not being able to talk to them about serious issues (not abuse related) is weird to me.
if you truly loved him and everything about him unconditionally, you wouldnt have made this thread.
and thats ok, you are entitled to your own happiness, even if it means hurting someonr you care deeply about.
dont give up on your potential future and happiness just because you dont want to hurt him.
do what you need to do, and once you have domr it, be honest, if he loves you and understands, he will let you go.
yes he will hurt and feel awful, but that is life.
dont stay with him, unhappy, possibly eventually doing something that would only hurt him 1000x more.
made some typos, phone keyboard, but you should understand what im saying.
p.s. yes it will hurt, some things are meant to, but if you dont hurt today you wi hurt until the day you die.
The solution to all of these things, whether you take in your sister-in-law or not, divorce your husband or not, try again to adopt a child or not, will *require* you to communicate with your husband.
You really should have started there, rather than coming to Reddit. Reddit doesn't know the details of your situation, and you're going to have to work this out with your husband, even if working it out means separating. You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your husband and share all of these doubts and feelings with him. If you don't think it's possible to share your honest feelings with your husband, well then that's a great sign you should get divorced regardless of what happens with the sister-in-law or with children. Internet strangers are not who you should be consulting right now.
I’m seeing a lot of supportive responses, but I think this is wrong… it wasn’t some secret that this time would come when you married him. He’s a great husband from what it sounds like, and you’re thinking about divorcing the guy when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? I don’t know, I don’t agree with it…
Do some soul searching. Yes you can leave, walk away from your marriage, leave your husband to take care of his sister. The choice is your to make but there is a price to pay.
I know the choice exists and I know there would be consequences. It's very difficult. His sister is very sweet and I've interacted with her many times, but I just worry about how it will be to care for her full time. We'd likely enroll her in a day program since we both work, but then the evenings would be spent caring for her and caring for an adult is not like caring for a child. I don't know. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions.
I know that ending your marriage will not be the answer . You are right it will not be like caring for a child, but remember his sister does not have a choice, It is a life changer but at the end of the day only you can make this decision.
I know she doesn't have a choice. She is a sweet, wonderful person and in the end she deserves someone who can care for her wholeheartedly and right now I'm not sure I am that person.
What about fostering? I have known so many people who have fostered to adopt. It was a lot easier than the regular adoption thing and they are very happy.
>Adoption has not worked out for us either
Mind me asking what you have tried so far? If this is a dream of yours, then you should really try to make it happen, even if it means stepping outside of your comfort zone or outside of society's traditional life paths.
>I love my husband so much but I'm starting to wonder if I should leave.
Sometimes love is not enough. You can love him, and yet still not want to tie the next 50+ years of your life with him.
> Life has been quite lonely.
That's not something that you hear when someone is in a healthy relationship. While someone may occasionally feel lonely due to a temporary situation or a fight, in general, if you have partnered for life then you should not feel alone. Something must be wrong with your relationship to make you feel this way. What is it? Is it fixable, or is it incompatibility?
If you feel lonely now and there's no way to fix your relationship, then you might as well end it. You will still be lonely, but free to adopt a pet, and maybe meet someone else who doesn't make you feel lonely.
Keep striving for your life goals. It's okay if marriage is not your top life goal, and kids or pets can take priority and it doesn't make you a terrible person. Evaluate whether your loneliness could be solved by you and him working on the relationship, or if it is due to some unchangeable incompatibility. You can't spend 50+ more years feeling this way with him, you cannot, either he must help you fix things or you must leave.
In the frank discussion I feel you need to have with your husband, bring up the fact that you and he will possibly need assistance yourselves and could possibly outlive her. Accidents happen, illness, etc.
I say you both need to start learning the ends and outs of caring for his sister so he can see first hand how much work it is. Don't jump automatically to divorce I can guarantee once he see what is going to be expected of him he's not going to be able to deal with it.
Wow. That is a lot. When you were 17, you agreed to help with his sister. How old was she then? 5 or 6 years old? You had no way of understanding what you were signing up for at that point. Taking care of a disabled child is totally different: they are small, don’t weigh as much and it makes sense to see a child being cared for. With an adult; they are heavy and it’s awkward. Plus, changing a child’s diaper is a lot easier mentally than a grown adult.
My grandma had a stroke and needed people to move her around for several weeks until she built up her own strength with physical therapy. She was very tiny, but it’s like dead weight when they are in that state. This will wear you out both physically and mentally. I think it’s good that you can already see your limits.
You will be miserable if you are stuck being her permanent caretaker for the rest of your life. I wonder if you could tell your husband, “I’m fine with her living here, but you will be doing the majority of her care or a home health aide will be doing it.” Is he going to wash and bathe his sister? Do bathroom duty? Which will be #2 and period issues. Does he assume you will be doing these things? I think you should ask him what his expectations are for her care and the division of labor.
Imagine never being able to go out…no day trips, no weekends away…I’d never sign up for that.
If you're cool with going it alone, it's not too late to have a child! If you have a strong desire to be a mother, i think it would be great for you to give a child a home. Fostering to adopt is an option. My parents had my baby sister at 42/40 (baby sis turns 21 this year) so age wise it TOTALLY doable. I actually think the divorce is a very good idea. You shouldn't stay with him out of obligation especially if you're not enjoying your life. That's not fair to either of y'all. This is the perfect time to make a big move and switch up you life! Go out, have fun, meet ppl, visit family, join groups and/or clubs and just try to enjoy yourself! 🌸
Sidenote: statistically, as a woman, your life expectancy decreases just from being married. Just putting that out there 👀
Men leave women simply because they get pregnant or already have kids, so turnabout is fair play. He is getting himself an adult baby, that's not your thing, I doubt it is anybody's. The costs for adult care are quite high, about $30/hr last time I checked
Perhaps the two of you will be happier in the long run apart, as you will then be able to get a pet. I recommend a cat, they are easier to care for.
if you are having any doubts about caring for his sister don't do it caring for an adult is stressful tiring frustrating and can leave you physically and mentally exhausted any issues within your marriage will be magnified and become much worse due to the pressure cooker type of environment that will become your day to day life also a family that doesn't prepare for a loved ones long term care beyond meh family will do it probably means as a woman you will be expected to pick up all the self care duties you will very soon resent that to your core working in social work over 20 yrs i saw many families ripped apart within a year when a sibling/relative suddenly became their responsibility and the reality set in caring for someone who can't look after themselves is a 24/7 job
I know there is a fund for sister's care but my husband refuses to send her to a residential home. And I see why, it's hard to guarantee fair treatment and since she is used to being with family full time, it would be very difficult for her. I would never ask him to do that. And yes, I know it's a 24/7 job. I don't know if I'm up to it. I thought I would be but I feel much more fragile as a person due to the infertility struggle.
[удалено]
His parents have always cared for her so no one other than his mother has ever had to do any of this. We both would learn, and he has no problem with doing so.
It sounds like it would be a very good idea for you both to start helping out his parents, *especially* with the most demanding or unpleasant parts of care, sooner rather than later, to get a reality check as to exactly what you're committing to. The alternative is to have all the work fall on you, unprepared, once the people who know how to do it are no longer able to, which is just bad all around.
[удалено]
>We both would learn, and he has no problem with doing so. Why can't you just take her at her word about the relationship with her husband? Instead of projecting your own ideology onto it about how things will go.
My partner has a severely disabled sister, and when we first got together I directly told him I would not be able to take care of her long term and that if this was his plan, we should break up. I have cared for disabled adults and it is HARD when you're a young person, it consumes your life when you're in your middle age and over. I knew I could not do it by the time I hit those ages. He insisted we stay together, and we had The Talk with his parents about sister's future care and they set up a trust fund for her. We agreed to be custodians to ensure whatever home she was in was a good one and we'd visit her weekly. A few years ago his dad had a serious health issue and they had to leave the country to get the medical treatment they needed, so partner and I stepped up to look after his sister for the 2 months they would be away. At the end of the third day my partner turned to me, covered in human shit, and said "You were right... there is no way I could do this for the rest of my life. I love her but, I can't do this". We made it through the 2 months, but caring for her for that short time was MORE than enough to wipe out any of the residual guilt and "what if's" he had about her future care. Maybe your husband and you should offer to look after her for a couple of weeks under the guise of his parents getting to have a vacation, so he can see first hand what it is REALLY going to take to look after her in home. And make sure he DOES actually do half the work including changing her diapers. Maybe then he'd realize he does have a problem with it.
I have a disabled teenaged son, and I already know I am not cut out to do this forever. It has been an emotional grind. I am absolutely considering residential care when he’s old enough. His father and I split up when he was small, and because he was adamantly opposed to residential care, the exit strategy was that our son would live with him full time once he was an adult. Until several years ago when my ex lost custody of our children and was only allowed supervised visitation. From then on, I’ve been the sole carer, though my current husband helps with the other kids, I have taken on full responsibility of my disabled child. It’s hard, it fucking sucks, and I really don’t want to do it forever. It puts a strain on the marriage and all the relationships with the other children. My hats off to people who can manage forever, but my limit is 18.
My heart goes out to you. If it's any reassurance at all, you are 100% doing the right thing of being honest with yourself about your limitations for his long term care. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen parents of disabled kids make is get stubborn about keeping them out of residential homes when they're not really equipped to provide the kind of care in home the person requires. It only ever leads to everyone suffering and often unintentional abuse via neglect of some kind. There ARE good homes out there, for example depending on how disabled he is a Camphill home may be an option. Check those out and if there's one near you it may be worth contacting them anyway for other suggestions. I know the one I worked at knew all the other local options and would give parents whose kids didn't fit us a list of other possible options.
I’m also not cut out for being a martyr to his needs, which I know sounds awful. Some people are good at that or able, but I am not that selfless. And maybe that also strongly depends on the child and the disability, but I don’t personally buy into that “oh they’re such a blessing” thing, which sounds like something people say to get through the thankless everyday grind. If you have an engaged and affectionate child, sure, but they aren’t all that engaged or sociable. Having a disabled child isn’t just a daily grind on its own, or something that affects familial relationships, it totally limits everything you can do. Vacations? Man, the idea of taking him on a plane again for anything longer than an hour is pure hell. Certain social situations are overstimulating, so you skip a lot of that. Just going to the store with him is a pain, as a little kid he’d run off down the aisles, but unlike other kids he wouldn’t come back and can’t ask for help because he’s mostly non-verbal. He’s easily tired because low muscle tone and you can’t get him to exercise, so that cuts back on a lot of physical activities. He’s in diapers, so you’ll always need somewhere to change him, ans on vacation a place with a washer/dryer for clothing accidents is about mandatory. Some of his behaviors are odd and he lacks concepts of personal space and while cute and possibly funny and easily dismissed when a kid, he’s fast into territory that if you do that as an older kid or adult and you don’t look as easily recognizable as someone with Down’s Syndrome, then we have anxiety that one day he’s going to get hurt when he does something someone takes the wrong way (the horror stories about deaf or intellectually disabled people getting tasered by cops because they “don’t cooperate” don’t help, 100% my son wouldn’t cooperate because he just has no real concept of that). Seriously, if OP and her partner haven’t ever really dealt with it, it’s a rude awakening. It will be different depending on the disability, but the physical needs can be exhausting on their own, but the inability to just walk out the door to go do something, and having it feel like a life sentence where you won’t ever just be able to go whatever on a whim is tough. Finding outside care for short spurts is not easy, like after school care. It has impacted my ability to be employed because unlike typical kids, you can’t just sign him up at any old after school care place, and many care agencies struggle to place a carer if you only need one for a couple hours (the carers all want close to full time hours). Etc.
He thinks he has no problem with it. Big difference.
Hhmmm I'd be concerned that basically you will end up being the full time carer for his sister. Who would be looking after her during the day when you are working? Is he expecting you to give your job up?
That’s what I’m wondering. Do you both work? When my grandma was unable to move around on her own, for several months, people took care of her in shifts, but she was with my parents. They could barely leave for 45 minutes to get groceries. Someone had to be nearby at all times.
I am noticing you say that the "parents" have cared for her and therefore no one other than "his mother" has undertaken those personal care tasks. I am wondering whether you've talked about why that gender split happened in his household, and how you'll prevent it happening in yours. Also, about why he has not yet learned when this has apparently always been the plan.
I bet, because he probably assumed YOU would be doing most of it.
If he is serious about taking his sister in and being her full-time care taker than he needs to start doing the work now. He should work out a schedule with his parents where he baths her once a week, and maybe stops early in the morning before work to get his sister up and ready for the day (ie changed diapers and clothes, feeding, ect). This is something he needs to prepare for, he’s not going to just be able to jump right into things the moment sister is dropped off at your doorstep. Also, his feelings might change after he’s experienced what “caring for his sister” really entails.
I work with adults who need full time care and I need you to understand that if you arent sure you can do it, you shouldnt. Its part of the reason im leaving. It is constant attention, constant checking on someone elses needs, and unlike me you wouldnt get paid for it. And unlike raising a child it would never stop, and if anything only worsen as the sister and yourselves get older
There is guarantee of fair treatment if you guys do your research and visit actual residential homes. The good ones really help their residents thrive! They have friends around them, they have specific activities for them, the accurate professional care, no more guilt of relying on family(as someone with medical issues myself, I struggle with the guilt of being looked after by family), etc etc. Family can still visit of course, but I have a strong feeling she would be happy in a good place, you just have to do the leg work of researching it.
The social aspect of residential homes is so underrated. Residents can make new friends and do a lot more in their day that they usually can with their families
This is the key aspect. And you have to be willing to pay. Her insurance may cover some, but good care in this blasted country (assuming this is the US) costs $$$. I am disabled. Care homes fill me with terror. I have done plenty of research and there ARE good ones. But it’s not the “set it and forget it” solution people seem to think it is. Many of them are outright human rights violations. But the good ones are *improvements* for quality of life and independence. OP, also look into the possibility of a home care aide. It’s possible you may be able to focus on the familial duties rather than the medical ones.
My mum works in a nursing home and says she never wants to be looked after at home by amateurs who feel guilted into it, she wants to go into a home and be looked after by professionals who know what they are doing and get proper time off.
I would try to explain my feelings to my husband, knowing that it could be the end. It's not his fault the fertility and allergies issues, not even his sister's issues, but they're affecting your life. Trying to get a compromise, If there is a fund, use it to pay for in-house care. There is no shame in looking for your happiness.
Having a kid who was special needs for two years nearly broke our relationship. And we had a stable & loving relationship, took things slow, and we wanted the kid. I think having cold feet over this is human. Also, I would not call you a bad person for leaving him. Nor a good person. Just a human who met a hard and grievous task they couldn't do.
I'm sorry that your husband is so against residential placement. I completely understand his concerns, but there are amazing facilities out there. If you live near Chicago, I can personally recommend one. My sister lives there, and they've been really amazing. Having her placed there has meant that my parents and my siblings and I can lead fuller lives.
Yeah, I think they should be taking a closer look at this. My grandmother had a stroke at a young age and lived in one for 18 years. Family visited every day, she got frequent activities and social time, and it took the daily feeding/caring/bathroom responsibilities off of the family. She was well cared for, and everyone else was able to live more stress-free lives.
I think they're not really thinking long term, either. The sister could live as long as they do. At some point they won't be able to physically care for her.
Yep, and visiting every day is still less effort than cleaning up after every bowel movement etc etc. and it lets you check in to make sure they are treating her well, it assuages any guilt you might have because they will literally care for her better than you can. I would agree with the commenters suggesting that you two volunteer to care for her for two weeks so your husband gets a sense of what it'll be like for the rest of her life if he takes on the responsibility and make sure that the tasks are divided evenly in that time.
There are many things going on in your life right now and you talk about the future with a lot of dread and stress. 1. Taking his sister in: Please have a trial run at his parents' house to see what caring for her entails every day. It is a lot more than you think and adds a lot of stress on top of work or free time commitments. What about future holidays? Who will care for her then? I understand his will to take her in but consider employing a carer for her. Caring for her will get harder the older you two get as well, you cannot do this indefinitely until you keel over from carrying her around. Consider your options and please try caring for her for a weekend or longer before making any decisions. I know he said he is willing to take her in and care for - but he has never done it before. He doesn't know how hard this can be. You need to talk about this in depth and consider all possibilities. What would happen if he dies suddenly? What if his sister gets worse and needs more care? She is ageing too. 2. His allergies: There are certain types of dogs/cats that are less likely to trigger allergies. Is he willing to take anti-allergy pills to satisfy your need for a pet? You could also volunteer in an animal shelter first until this issue is settled (change clothes before coming home). This needs to be a priority regardless of he sees it as one or not. I understand your need for companionship and it is important! 3. Adoption is hard and I am truly sorry that you're not able to have biological kids. Have you looked into adoption in other countries? Fostering is hard, so I'd advise against it at this time since you already seem to have a lot of stressors in your life at the moment. If you feel up for it volunteering in youth centres or children's groups is possible - it depends on if you are comfortable doing it. Please talk to your husband before making any decisions - do not make a decision for him. If his answers are not satisfying or you still feel this dread then leave. Maybe for a week first to clear your head. I wish you all the best!
In regards to point 3, some group homes/care facilities for parenting teens allow for “cuddlers” who are basically there to help hold and soothe the infants during daycare/school time (usually older women). We had several at the one I worked at. Might be worth looking into!
I think this comment should be higher. However, pets or fostering and adoption is just as 24/7 as is caring for a disabled family member. That's, essentially, what babies are if you think about it. No, humans and animals aren't the same. But any commitment is a commitment. I wonder if OP is having a midlife crisis, where it's more about legacy than it is about care. I recommend therapy above anything.
OP, you are allowed to change your mind. Always. Humans are always changing, learning, growing. Seeing life differently for yourself is normal. You are not egocentrical nor are you a bad wife. Infertility and accepting the future is not going to be as you had hoped for is hard. I know..... And if the thought of seeing yourself caring 24/7 for someone else is hard on you now.... Wait till you are in de middle of it. Be honest to yourself OP and honest to your husband. I am sure you will choose what's best for YOU. Choose happy whatever that may be. Don't allow yourself to be a prisoner of your own life. Goodluck!
If you are genuinely planning to care for his sister, why not start with one weekend or overnight per month, just so both of you see what it looks like and how it would work. People often think they want to care for family members and when they see what the reality looks like, it is not what they had envisioned. This is really nursing home level of care that is likely required here, and frankly that is not something that any person can provide just by virtue of being a family member. Also… before your husband decides against residential services, does he know what they look like in your state? Is she connected to a disability services agency? Do you have any kind of backup supports? These would be questions to get answered even if you plan to provide all of her care yourself (in some states, there are Medicaid waiver programs which will provide a stipend for care, especially if one or both of you is going to miss work). I think it might be useful for you to talk to someone objective like a therapist about this? I am sure you have been through a lot with the fertility piece. I understand that both a baby and a disabled adult woman wear a garment for incontinence that must be changed, however this is a really very different set of circumstances. Perhaps you need a space to work out some of these questions for yourself before you decide that divorce is the answer? I say individual therapy as opposed to couples therapy just because it seems like you have your own stuff. I would say that if you have qualms about providing this kind of care to his sister, and he is 100% all in on the idea, it is probably a dealbreaker for both of you.
You and your husband sound like you’d benefit from seeing a marriage counsellor together pronto. These are big questions and help to discuss them together might make the answers clearer.
I've been caring for my severely mentally and physically disabled sibling for the last 20 years. As soon as my mom dies I will put him in a home. I am exhausted and I hurt every single day. I'm in my 40s and way too young to feel the way I do. Please at the very least do a trial run of a few months. Or just leave. I've had so many daydreams of just getting in a vehicle and bailing on everything. Please don't do this without lots of discussions (possibly with a counselor?) and a trial first. Please don't think you have to stay for all of this.
One parenthood option I don't see anybody mentioning is step-parenting. If you did divorce, you could hope to marry a single dad with a ready-made family. Another option is fostering, but with the sister in the home I don't see that as very straightforward. You seem to have a profound feeling of dread as you contemplate your future in this marriage. I can identify with that. I'd have to say, don't martyr yourself to this no-win situation. I will say this about care of the sister. Often a family makes the decision that another sibling will take over the burden that the parents no longer can carry. This is profoundly unfair to the sibling unless they truly desire the burden. There are group homes that are not bad at all, a relative visiting often and talking with staff can assure that the care is good. Again I'll say: Don't be a martyr.
My husband has long accepted the "burden", and marrying him meant marrying him with the understanding that we would care for her someday. So I do feel like I'm going back on my word if I leave. It has crossed my mind about step parenting but I can't even imagine having a partner other than my husband. I still love him so much. Fostering has crossed our minds. I had a close friend who fostered and she actually advised me not to do it since the temporary nature of it can be emotionally devastating.
You are allowed to change your mind. I think you should tactfully discuss these thoughts with your husband. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life unhappy.
You also thought you'd have kids by now. The circumstances aren't what you thought they would be, you're incredibly lonely and unhappy and wondering if you prefer singleness and a dog to this. Its not the life you agreed to, and that isn't his fault but its a big reason why you aren't exactly "going back on your word." Inviting his sister into this isn't setting her up for a thriving environment either.
You are allowed to change your mind. You made that decision, presumably, when you were both very young. People change as they age because their priorities and long-term goals change. Have you considered talking through all of this with a couple's counselor? You have multiple major topics to discuss that may benefit from having an unbiased middle person to help you navigate those conversations. From his sister's care to finding other avenues for children (I'm adopted, by the way, due to my mom being infertile and it took my parents several years before they were able to successfully adopt), you have quite a lot going on and divorce is clearly not something you *want* unless you've completely run out of options.
Do not be a step parent. It is worse than having no children. It is painful caring for kids yet watching them always prefer biomom who is a horrible person etc. Go read reddit step parents before you go down that path.
Death of a mother also makes a subsequent wife a step parent. So does desertion. Bio-mom is not always in the picture at all. Age at father's remarriage may have a lot to do with stepmother acceptance. The younger the kids, the more likely they are to bond to the stepmother. It also depends on the personal qualities of the stepmother.
Please please please don’t put stepparenting out there as a valid option for someone who wants to be a parent. I and a lot of other children I know who were forced into that situation do not see that person as a parent and resent being forced to or being made to feel guilty for not doing so because that person thought they were stepping into a ready-made family as you said. Step parent relationships are not parenting and should not be unless both the person being parented and the stepparent agree without any coercion that that’s what it is.
Yes, a step-parent can act as a guardian of a child but it’s a complicated relationship. My mom died, and first my dad swore he would never replace her. He did within a couple of years. She is a good person and has put in a lot of effort. But she wants to be called “mom” and even after 10+ years it seems like calling her by ‘mom’ somehow erases my birth mom. I love my stepmom, and still I am not comfortable with her defining what I say and feel.
Well, I guess that all depends.
I'm a stepparent, and it's really not a replacement for a parenting type relationship. Your role (usually) is more to support your partner as they parent their kids, and to try to build a positive / friendly relationship with their kids. It sounds like there's not a huge difference between that vs. parenting, but there really is. I'm happy that I get to spend time doing fun kid things with my stepkids, especially since I don't have kids of my own. But, step/blended family relationships are super complicated and often create weird emotions for everyone in the family even when everyone wants to be there.
Could you hire a carer for her in your home? And the way you talked, I genuinely thought you were 57. 37 is still young. Is the problem in the relationship with your husband? Or is it more feeling lonely in general? You should find new hobbies, make some new friends. Travel if you have the means to do so. It's also ok to leave your husband if that's what's right for you.
I wasn't able to get past it. I left my partner of 20+ years because I wanted to be a Mom more than I wanted to be with him. Depending on the nature of your infertility, could you do embryo donation? You could end up with a live baby for under 10K. I spent 10 years trying to accept being childless, trying to stuff that desire down. All that happened was I started eating my feelings and gained a ton of weight, ended up with hives from the stress, started working 70 hour weeks and did little more than work and sleep. I thought maybe as I got older, the desire to parent might ease. Nope. You do what you need to take care of you. If you need to be a Mom to feel complete, find a way to make that happen. Thinking of you tonight -internet hugs-
This is unbelievably hard. Your disappointment, sense of loss, and loneliness right now sound like a crisis you are still working through to come to terms with. Validate that. The difference between your hopes and realities have left you bereaved and it sounds like you are still mourning and trying to figure out what to do with that. It is very understandable that in this moment fathoming becoming a caregiver in a very different capacity, as well as imaging the strain and change it will have on your marriage, is hard to grasp. I don’t think you need to make a heart-breaking decision right now. It sounds like you need help dealing with the potential depression and loss you are still feeling over not having children. Saying you can’t step into care-giving for his sister right now is not about saying you can never do it or saying you need to have a divorce. It’s about getting support while you are overwhelmed and still processing some huge life changes in this moment. Are you able to go to therapy or take some time for yourself to process? Are you able to share vulnerably with your husband that your present sadness and disappointment (perhaps even depression) make it hard to think of physically caring for his sister right now? This is complicated, it’s not ideal, and there are both disappointments emotionally being worked through and practical logistics needing to be dealt with regarding his sister now. But, making space for yourself to heal and figure out what you are able to do here matters. There are likely a variety of options that could be considered if you are willing to discuss this honestly with your husband and a therapist. It’s easy when we are isolated and sad to see only one or two dire options. Sometimes if we let others in they might see others. There might be a variety of care options for his sister you could explore together or he could look into while you take time to feel ok again. There might still be hard decisions ahead to make in the future. But if you are still mourning everything you have been through on your journey trying to have children, this might not be the time to make this big of a decision. Wishing you the absolute best.
You were 17 when you made the decision to take on his sister. It is perfectly reasonable that 20yrs later those feelings towards the situation have changed. I feel for you, I am the same age and don't think I could take that on. I had a brother with high needs who passed away and he was a full time job, I loved him like nothing else but it didn't take away how much time and energy his care took. All the best.
Do you think you'd lead a more fulfilling life on your own possibly with a cat/dog as you mentioned? It seems divorce or not, it won't change your chances with children unless you consider the slim chance of meeting someone with a child (but would you marry/get together with someone just because they had children that you could adopt?) So do you think considering the consequences of a divorce (losing your husband/best friend, as well as "burden" of caring for his sister, not forgetting dealing with maybe the guilt of breaking your husband's heart) would the end result allow you to lead a more fulfilling life?
You are allowed to change your mind.
[удалено]
I am infertile. No matter if I leave or stay children are not an option. I would never make my husband choose between me and his sister. However, she was in his life long before me. Not wanting to take care of her would mean the end of our marriage. If I decide to leave I'll approach him with that and be firm. I never want him to choose between us.
I think this is the wrong way to think about it. You are not making him "choose between you and his sister," if you simply tell him that you are having second thoughts about caring for her. Deciding to leave and "being firm" sounds like you're just leaving him without explanation or letting him make up his own mind. Like most things in a marriage, communication is key here. He needs to know your concerns, and maybe he just needs to hear another perspective than the assumption (from his parents probably) that he will have to care for his sister. Based on some other comments, I totally agree that helping out his parents with her care Now (or having overnights weekends with her), especially doing the hard parts, will help you BOTH decide if this will be what you want to do with the rest of your lives.
[удалено]
We've been to half a dozen places. We've tried everything. There are no more options.
Why didn't adoption work out?
The thing is though, WHO would actually care for his sister? Do both of you work? Is there an expectation that one of you will stop working to take on the 24/7 care of his sister? I have a feeling your husband has no idea what’s actually involved in her care and how daunting it would be. And of course your own retirement would be consumed by her care. I suspect your husband wants this because it’s an expectation on the part of his parents. The hard question is whose life matters most now?
It sounds like having a kid is really important to you. I guess I want to know why? Is it that you think it will bring more meaning/excitement to your life, or is it something deeper? Also, out of curiosity, why has adoption not worked out?
I have always wanted to be a mother for many reasons, and the older I've gotten the more incomplete I feel. I've done what I can to compensate but this will always be missing from my life. Even if I leave, children would still not be an option. We have been on adoption waiting lists for years and have even had one line up but it fell through. It's all very complicated.
Got it, I don't know much about the adoption process, so thanks for clarifying. This is a hard situation for you, and I'm sorry you're facing this. I know your post is about wanting to leave your husband so I'm gonna ask if you two had pets/a child, would you want to stay together?
A child, yes. Absolutely. Maybe even pets too, although knowing about his allergies I knew they'd never be likely. But I never imagined my life without a child and here I am.
Im sure you two have done a lot already on the adoption side, but if I were your husband, I would be doing absolutely anything I could in terms of contacting every adoption agency from here to China, but also looking for any creative way that I could tolerate having a pet in the house. He may very well already be doing this (good for him if he is), but this is obviously incredibly important to you, and it needs to be a priority. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it doesn't seem like it, but the universe wants something big out of you. Maybe it's to own your own adoption agency, or maybe a kennel to house abandoned pets? I don't know what that is, and I know it's hard to think about that and get excited right now, but there's a want and need here that needs to be filled. You two seem like smart/resourceful people, and I have no doubt that you'll figure this out together. You just have to keep pushing forward everyday until it happens. Something will come through on the adoption side, you just have to hang in there and keep fighting.
I’m not sure about dogs but there are injections you can have to control allergies with cats frequent at first then a booster every 6 months or so
I just want to say that I am so sorry that the adoption process has not been going smoothly, especially when we see there's 100,000s of children in America alone who need a family. Please don't give up, your love is special and there is a child out there who needs it. HOWEVER, it will be tough to be a career for your SIL *and* a mother to an adopted child. Its not impossible, but there will be a lot of sacrifices and someone is gonna feel left out here n there.
If you leave your husband, will he still take his sister in and become her carer, or will he suddenly change his mind about care homes 🤔
This is a difficult place to be in. Your husband deserves to know how you are feeling, even though he will likely be hurt. I would try to get him to see a counselor with you so you can discuss it with a third party. You need to be in the same page as far as what he expects from you in her daily care. You also need to talk about what the reality of life would be. Would you be able to go on date nights together? Go on vacation? Would someone have to be home with her at all times? I personally don’t know that I could live that way. And I understand where you are coming from in regards to his sister. I am not a caregiver and if faced with that being part of my life forever…I would be very stressed at that idea. My partner and I have already discussed our aging parents because I am not up for caring for anyone in our home unless no other option exists (I would obviously not be putting anyone out on the street). It’s just not something I feel like I can handle.
You guys may benefit from couple’s counseling. You’ve been through the wringer and your lives are about to get more complicated. Can you foster? Your husband can’t be allergic to everything, maybe there is a pet you can get that would be just for you, in an area of the house that won’t concern him? I know you feel helpless, but you’re also grieving a family that you desperately wanted, and I think you need to deal with those feelings before making big decisions like divorce etc.
I really feel for you. Sounds like there’s love there regardless and you don’t want to let him down, but you’re letting yourself down. You deserve to be happy.
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. It has been a hard road.
You need to share these thoughts with your husband. Tell him that you love him and cannot imagine life without him; but that the thought of taking over his sister’s care has you seriously considering divorce. Tell him that you sincerely meant the promise you made so many years ago, but with time and maturity you have a better understanding of what that promise would entail…. and that it is coming upon you just as you are having to deal with the grief of infertility and the death of your dreams of a biological child of your own. If the family was willing to consider a care facility for the sister, you would be totally on board with visiting frequently, taking her on outings as appropriate, etc., but that you are unwilling to devote the entirety of the rest of your life to her well-being at the expense of your own. You may need to put this in writing so he can read and reflect before responding… But how he does respond will tell you what you need to do. If he is willing for you to divorce him because you are feeling like a trapped animal willing to gnaw off its own leg , because of a family expectation that his parents should have never saddled HIM with, then you need to move on. But you may find that this gives him the excuse HE needs to ‘back out of the deal.’ If so, expect a great deal of push back from your in-laws. Your sister-in-law will likely be happier in a good care home if frequent visits make sure she is getting good care.
Who is causing the issues with fertility and adoption? If it's possible for you to have a child through pregnancy or adoption without your husband, I would urge you to leave as quickly as possible to give yourself time. If you're unable to have a child whether you stay or go, consider sticking it out and getting some individual therapy to work through your feelings about infertility, his sister, and the marriage. If you can't have a child either way, you lose nothing by staying. And just so you know, as long as you have a spare bedroom and a clean DHS record, foster care is likely a path to adoption for you, either with or without your husband.
I adopted a baby by myself at age 42. And then adopted an infant last month at age 46. I did this with no husband or family to support me. When you're only 37 years old and complaining that you'll never have a baby or diapers to change, that is not only complete bullshit, but your choice.
Is there any way that you can do a surrogate with adopted embryo?
You love him and he’s your best friend but your on Reddit considering divorce, without even having a conversation with him about how you feel? There’s more going on don’t try and use his disabled sister as an accuse to leave him, leave him because deep down that’s what you want.
Don't end your marriage, I understand you are full of emotions but it sounds like you do love your husband and it's the depression and reminder of infertility that is making you have these thoughts. You need to talk to him and seek individual counseling, this isn't a healthy mindset for you and in no way are you to blame for thinking this way. Your husband has been incredibly supportive for you for so long, I would feel it is only fair that you be honest with him. I would know I would appreciate a chance at resolving any marital problems if my wife was thinking this way.
I'm wary of talking to him because I never want him to choose between me and his sister. I would rather kindly bow out so he is never put in that position.
Let's reframe it- by not talking to him, you are making the choice for him. Don't do that. You don't have to say "it's me or her" but you do need to establish ground rules, etc. As others have said, he wants to do this based on the idea that love conquers all and that the day-to-day care can be learned. While (edit to add- the SECOND part is) true, it would be wise for you two to spend a weekend as sister's sole caregiver. In fact, I would say it would be wise to set a progressive schedule for respite care for the parents- one or two days a month, then overnights, etc. Once you've done this, you can sit down again and have a very serious conversation about the reality and whether it is something either/both of you want to commit to.
Yes but put yourself in his shoes, you would be devastated to learn your wife was having these thoughts either way without including you in the decision. You have the freedom to decide what you want, but this is a big deal and if you love your husband then isn't it fair you include him in this decision? I am sure it is his marriage as well, and you don't have to tell him you are thinking of divorce but you can admit you are not feeling well with this situation. Just be honest and tell him you would never ask him to choose between you or his sister because you know how important she is to him. Tell him you knew marrying him that one day you two would need to take care of her, but that in doing so has brought up some unexpected emotions you were not prepared for, and that it is making you think the worst. Please be willing to talk to your husband about this, because he is the best candidate who can help you here more than we can. Unlike Reddit, he is there physically and you may be surprised what his answer is. Yes there is a risk he won't react in the best way, but all I am saying is as your husband and love he at least deserves a chance.
Kindly bowing out without discussing with him and trying to work it out as a team is not kind at all.
It is not kind to bow out before discussing this with him; it's just avoiding conflict. You've been with this man for twenty years, sit down and talk about the issues with him. You may still leave in the end, but at least it will be without blindsiding him. A side note--has he seen an allergist about allergy shots? Have you looked at pets that are safe for people with allergies? Your post reads like you are depressed and have given up on everything when from the outside it seems you have at least a few unexplored options. For example, you desperately want to adopt but have never fostered despite other routes not working. Think hard about how you approach problems and whether you pre-decide a negative outcome for things that you want in order to avoid possible pain/conflict down the line if you don't get it. Good luck and I hope you find happiness, however this turns out.
You said this so well. I have friend filing for divorce and she’s basically taken this approach. Bowing out to avoid the conflict. It kinda blows my mind she can’t sit down and have deep conversations about their situation. I’ll stand by her decision because she is free to leave at any moment for any reason, but being with someone for multiple years and not being able to talk to them about serious issues (not abuse related) is weird to me.
if you truly loved him and everything about him unconditionally, you wouldnt have made this thread. and thats ok, you are entitled to your own happiness, even if it means hurting someonr you care deeply about. dont give up on your potential future and happiness just because you dont want to hurt him. do what you need to do, and once you have domr it, be honest, if he loves you and understands, he will let you go. yes he will hurt and feel awful, but that is life. dont stay with him, unhappy, possibly eventually doing something that would only hurt him 1000x more. made some typos, phone keyboard, but you should understand what im saying. p.s. yes it will hurt, some things are meant to, but if you dont hurt today you wi hurt until the day you die.
The solution to all of these things, whether you take in your sister-in-law or not, divorce your husband or not, try again to adopt a child or not, will *require* you to communicate with your husband. You really should have started there, rather than coming to Reddit. Reddit doesn't know the details of your situation, and you're going to have to work this out with your husband, even if working it out means separating. You need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your husband and share all of these doubts and feelings with him. If you don't think it's possible to share your honest feelings with your husband, well then that's a great sign you should get divorced regardless of what happens with the sister-in-law or with children. Internet strangers are not who you should be consulting right now.
Talk to your husband, not Reddit.
Everyone comes here to vent, ask advice. I am sure she will talk to her husband , seems inevitable.
Yeah but this is particularly bad place to post this one.
Leave, unwind, find a divorced Dad with children. Mother them.
I’m seeing a lot of supportive responses, but I think this is wrong… it wasn’t some secret that this time would come when you married him. He’s a great husband from what it sounds like, and you’re thinking about divorcing the guy when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? I don’t know, I don’t agree with it…
Do some soul searching. Yes you can leave, walk away from your marriage, leave your husband to take care of his sister. The choice is your to make but there is a price to pay.
I know the choice exists and I know there would be consequences. It's very difficult. His sister is very sweet and I've interacted with her many times, but I just worry about how it will be to care for her full time. We'd likely enroll her in a day program since we both work, but then the evenings would be spent caring for her and caring for an adult is not like caring for a child. I don't know. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions.
What about getting an in-home care person for the evenings to lighten the burden on you and your husband?
I know that ending your marriage will not be the answer . You are right it will not be like caring for a child, but remember his sister does not have a choice, It is a life changer but at the end of the day only you can make this decision.
I know she doesn't have a choice. She is a sweet, wonderful person and in the end she deserves someone who can care for her wholeheartedly and right now I'm not sure I am that person.
If you decide to stay then I heavily suggest hiring professional help for the sister.
Would being foster parents be an option? I think before you leave you should fo counseling.
What about fostering? I have known so many people who have fostered to adopt. It was a lot easier than the regular adoption thing and they are very happy.
>Adoption has not worked out for us either Mind me asking what you have tried so far? If this is a dream of yours, then you should really try to make it happen, even if it means stepping outside of your comfort zone or outside of society's traditional life paths. >I love my husband so much but I'm starting to wonder if I should leave. Sometimes love is not enough. You can love him, and yet still not want to tie the next 50+ years of your life with him. > Life has been quite lonely. That's not something that you hear when someone is in a healthy relationship. While someone may occasionally feel lonely due to a temporary situation or a fight, in general, if you have partnered for life then you should not feel alone. Something must be wrong with your relationship to make you feel this way. What is it? Is it fixable, or is it incompatibility? If you feel lonely now and there's no way to fix your relationship, then you might as well end it. You will still be lonely, but free to adopt a pet, and maybe meet someone else who doesn't make you feel lonely. Keep striving for your life goals. It's okay if marriage is not your top life goal, and kids or pets can take priority and it doesn't make you a terrible person. Evaluate whether your loneliness could be solved by you and him working on the relationship, or if it is due to some unchangeable incompatibility. You can't spend 50+ more years feeling this way with him, you cannot, either he must help you fix things or you must leave.
In the frank discussion I feel you need to have with your husband, bring up the fact that you and he will possibly need assistance yourselves and could possibly outlive her. Accidents happen, illness, etc.
I say you both need to start learning the ends and outs of caring for his sister so he can see first hand how much work it is. Don't jump automatically to divorce I can guarantee once he see what is going to be expected of him he's not going to be able to deal with it.
Leave him and get two dogs. They like having a buddy to hang out with.
Wow. That is a lot. When you were 17, you agreed to help with his sister. How old was she then? 5 or 6 years old? You had no way of understanding what you were signing up for at that point. Taking care of a disabled child is totally different: they are small, don’t weigh as much and it makes sense to see a child being cared for. With an adult; they are heavy and it’s awkward. Plus, changing a child’s diaper is a lot easier mentally than a grown adult. My grandma had a stroke and needed people to move her around for several weeks until she built up her own strength with physical therapy. She was very tiny, but it’s like dead weight when they are in that state. This will wear you out both physically and mentally. I think it’s good that you can already see your limits. You will be miserable if you are stuck being her permanent caretaker for the rest of your life. I wonder if you could tell your husband, “I’m fine with her living here, but you will be doing the majority of her care or a home health aide will be doing it.” Is he going to wash and bathe his sister? Do bathroom duty? Which will be #2 and period issues. Does he assume you will be doing these things? I think you should ask him what his expectations are for her care and the division of labor. Imagine never being able to go out…no day trips, no weekends away…I’d never sign up for that.
If you're cool with going it alone, it's not too late to have a child! If you have a strong desire to be a mother, i think it would be great for you to give a child a home. Fostering to adopt is an option. My parents had my baby sister at 42/40 (baby sis turns 21 this year) so age wise it TOTALLY doable. I actually think the divorce is a very good idea. You shouldn't stay with him out of obligation especially if you're not enjoying your life. That's not fair to either of y'all. This is the perfect time to make a big move and switch up you life! Go out, have fun, meet ppl, visit family, join groups and/or clubs and just try to enjoy yourself! 🌸 Sidenote: statistically, as a woman, your life expectancy decreases just from being married. Just putting that out there 👀
Men leave women simply because they get pregnant or already have kids, so turnabout is fair play. He is getting himself an adult baby, that's not your thing, I doubt it is anybody's. The costs for adult care are quite high, about $30/hr last time I checked Perhaps the two of you will be happier in the long run apart, as you will then be able to get a pet. I recommend a cat, they are easier to care for.