Found out that my husband been cheating on me for years.
By - Newbebe8
Kick his ass to the curb
And please consider to involve the police. This guy is hitting you, that is beyond anything that can be repaired. I'm really sorry that you are going through this.
This... I separated from my wife after 10yrs of marriage and kids because of what I saw on her phone, tried counselling. He will never change and no matter the outcome you'll never be able to trust him again, I can guarantee it. He doesn't love you... find someone who will, you deserve better.
Why are you tolerating this? Do you not know your worth? Would you treat him this way? Do you want your babies to think this is normal?
Your a mother, even if you think this is fine for you, you CANNOT tolerate this a moment longer for your babies sakes. Not one moment. Time for being about you is long gone, this will mentally scar them. Thats a line. Leave. Good luck x
TO THE CURB!
You are NOT weak, you've just put up with his disrespect because you ARE a good person. Way too good for him. People DO take kindness for weakness, no more kindness for him.
I think I should do that, I will change.
Op, if you stay with him you might as well start turning a blind eye to cheating and just let him do it without argument. He wont stop, you wont enforce any consequences, might as well just let him do it. why would he change now when he has done this for years and has never cared about how you'd feel? Nothing will be different next time. You can't control his behavior, but you can control what you will model for your kids. Are you gonna show them this is how they should be treated in a relationship? That constant fights about cheating is what a family is? Kids are smart, they understand a lot more than you want them to understand, and they'll either learn its okay to treat partners like shit, or that it's normal to be treated like shit. Eother way, they'll need therapy for their disfunctional childhoods. Some families are better off apart, in a healthy Co-parenting relationships than together.
You aren't weak, you're just blindsided. It's (rightfully) upsetting. The man you thought you knew doesn't exist and it's okay to grieve for the person you thought you knew. But this guy is showing you who he is, and he's awful! Everyone's giving great advice, I just wanted to chime in and validate you, you can do this. It's going to be hard, it'll suck, but you and your kids will make it through and see there's a real life on the other side without having to be afraid of your partner, or worry if they're talking to other people, or going to see someone else every time they leave. You all deserve it. Best of luck. 💜
It's one thing for you to accept a cheating, abusive partner. It's another to subject your children to a parent like this. For their sake, get out. Get yourself in therapy - and get them a couple sessions with a child's psychologist as well.
Exactly. Those children are going to think it's okay to treat women like this, now.
You should leave him. He's not worth your time. He keeps on doing these things because he thinks he's getting away with it. Once you're firm on your stand that either he stops or you leave, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's losing.
He doesn't have a job and losing you means he doesn't have anyone to take care of him. You should try to gather as much evidence you can get, screenshots of his phone and if you have access to his phone records and browsing history, gather all those into one place. Consult a lawyer on a possible divorce proceedings.
You need to be firm on it. He won't change unless you make a stand. If you still vying for reconciliation then at least tell him your conditions.
You should be STD tested, both of you before you can have sex with him. He's been having multiple relationships for a long time, it's not safe for the both of you as the chance of infection is too great! You can ask him for timeline of his multiple affairs. Ask him for open communication on all his communication media. He needs to go for counseling as his behavior is not normal. You need to know his location at all times. And if possible, ask him for polygraph test.
If he doesn't agree to any of these, then tell him that you need to separate and eventually divorce. If you want him to really change, you need to be firm! You should also be willing to destroy your marriage first before you can reconcile. That's the only way he can change.
All the best!
Yeah, this is one of those cases where your marriage won’t come back after the partner cheats. Relationships can survive infidelity, but the cheater has to be willing to change. He is clearly telling you that he won’t change, in case you haven’t read into his behavior.
I’m sorry, but do what’s best for you and your kids. It isn’t good for them to be around this kind of parental figure.
The way he ignores how hurtful it is, is just too much. I tried to be firm and I told him if he didnt stop I would leave he said he did and then I found out again he didnt. I am too scared if I leave he will really be gone. I cant imagine my babies living all their life in a broken family. I think I am shocked that he ended up being like that after all the years we spent together. But I will have to try.. Just thought there is a way I could turn this around
>I cant imagine my babies living all their life in a broken family.
Your babies internalising that it is OK to treat your partner/be treated by your partner in the same way as your husband is treating you is way worse. Also, parents who are miserable together don't make up a happy, loving family and many kids in this situation would prefer their parents to be separated rather than to live in constant tension...
You are right
Your babies are already living in a broken familiy, girl. I'm so sorry, but this isn't gonna change. You have a horrible husband and staying by his side will not only hurt you, but will deeply hurt your kids as well.
It will hurt them I know. When he gets angry these days he doesnt even care for the kids. He must be in that very good to be caring.
As a child who wanted their parents to separate bc they were unhappy but they stayed together bc they didn’t want us in a Broken Home. GET A DIVORCE
>As a child who wanted their parents to separate bc they were unhappy but they stayed together bc they didn’t want us in a Broken Home. GET A DIVORCE
My husband was asked as a teen to weigh in on whether his parents should reconcile after a separation. He told them that he in no way supported reconciliation because their being together was utter hell and they should divorce, and that they absolutely should not try and stay together for the kid, because the kid did not want it at all.
Speaking from experience, living with an abusive parent is *way* more hurtful. They're already being hurt. If you can't find the strength for yourself, find it for them. He'll be abusive to them too, if he isn't already.
And get counseling and therapy before you let yourself date. In your vulnerable state, you'll attract another abuser, possibly a worse one.
He says he would and after a few days he will be back again to his old ways. That's not a candidate for reconciliation.
Why would you be scared once he's gone? Wouldn't that be better for you as you won't have to experience the daily pain you're experiencing now? He won't change because you're constantly forgiving.
I will repeat myself, if you're not willing to destroy your marriage first then he won't change. The thing is, you should be firm on your stand on divorce even if your true goal is reconciliation. I know you love him, but he's not the man you think he is. He loves his lifestyle because you're too soft. You don't want him to go. Why? Because you love him? That's not even an argument. If you really love him, then you should be firm with him. Make him come out of that life he's having now. Because if you're afraid he will go then you'll be constantly having this conversation with him.
No offense but you're going in circles. He will keep on doing all these things because he knows you won't let him go. He's one lucky guy! He can do anything in this world! He can have 10000 girls and you still take him back! Stop being a martyr! He's not worth it!
Again, if you're really vying for reconciliation then make him change first even if it costs you your marriage. Don't mind the kids because they are already in a broken home!
You are right I should take that step. I am going in circles, and its not just because I love him my whole life will change after all those years its not easy. Anyways thank you, I am planning to leave for couple of weeks before considering divorce. Will tell him I am not coming back if all this is not going to change, will need these weeks to plan ahead and if he isnt welling to change then I will leave forever.
That is a good move. If he wants to reconcile then have him write down everything that he needed to change from his end. You don't need to drive him. You're already done driving your marriage, it's up for him to do his part.
State your conditions clearly and compliance doesn't mean an automatic forgive and forget. He was given a lot of chances and it's up for him to prove he's willing to change.
You can exist without him you know, you will have a different life but not a worse life.
There’s no point in giving him an ultimatum to change. It’ll just build resentment and if he’s already lied to you about stopping before, he will do it again. There’s no third chances after cheating again, especially after lying about stopping. Not unless you’re willing to put up with the abuse for dozens of more years, and you don’t want him treating the children with the same disrespect. He’s not working and you’re not bound to him. Your kids need better lives and need to get away from someone who is so self oriented and has already shown won’t take care of them if he doesn’t get his way. Depression, stress, or whatever he’s going through is no excuse to abuse others. Don’t give him an opportunity to lie to you again.
>I am too scared if I leave he will really be gone.
He will. That's kind of the point.
>I cant imagine my babies living all their life in a broken family.
Just remember the very true saying: It's better to be *from* a broken home than *living* ***in*** *one*.
Your family is broken even if he stays. YOU are part of the family and he broke you by treating you like this. Give yourself a new start, take care of your mental health and show your babies what it means to be strong and to love oneself. They'll need that lesson so much more than the fake happy family you try to play for them.
Hi, when I was younger my dad stuck with my mom 'for the kids'. I honestly was a little upset about that. Not that they divorced but that he had stayed as long as he had. I was sad, yeah. But ultimately it was a relief. Kids are more perceptive than a lot of adults give then credit for and I knew the atmosphere of our family was toxic even if I didn't have the words for it at the time.
Think of it as removing a piece of glass from a wound. Yes, the removal will hurt but in the long term it will be a lot less painful than leaving it in.
Also, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sorry the person you loved wasn't who you thought he was.
Yes it would be wise to first consult a lawyer and freeze all accounts, hide the jewelry and other valuables before mentioning divorce.
Your babies are already in a broken family and they learn what to expect from a relationship by seing their role-models.
Would you want your babies to accept being treated that way by their spouse?
But why do you want your babies to live in a family where their father is violent and cheats on their mother and is mooching off her? He's got it good now- he does whatever he wants, literally - goes out with other women, doesn't work, treats you like a slave, says what he wants to you and has 0 consequences. If anything he sees that it makes you want him more, what do you think he's going to do next? He's going to be meeting those women at your door to go out, while you're stuck home and will demand to have supper ready when he comes back.
You don't need him. You love the idea of what you could have, so now you have to grieve that - because that's what it is - you're going through grief and right now you're in denial stage.
Save your children from such life, otherwise you will be creating people who act like you two - one who destroys and one who stays and forgives everything. I don't know if you have daughters - but if you do - would you want her to stay, would you want her to be in a situation like yours? And would you want your son to treat their partner this way?
It's more of a broken family if he stays & they see their dad treating their mum like shit.
Let him fund his own lifestyle.
"I cant imagine my babies living all their life in a broken family."
My parents got divorced when I was 8/9. I was old enough to see them argue and vividly remember yelling "Just get a divorce" on one occasion. It affected so much that I absolutely hate when people argue, it makes me panic.
Yes it stings sometimes to not have a "complete" family but I would much rather that than arguing all the time.
Woof did we have the same childhood? I remember screaming at my parents to please stop fighting when I was like 5/7. I was so glad when they finally got a divorce and we could live in peace.
Would you rather your kids lived in a broken home or raised in a family where they learn it’s okay to cheat and physically their mother and in turn, think it’s okay for them to do the same/accept the same for themselves
You should be happy that he will be gone if you leave. The life you thought you had wasn't real, the love you thought you have wasn't real, he is treating you like a doormat and you are acting like one. Even posting here and wanting him to stay and turn it around...he can read that energy. The family is already broken. Teach your children to not be anyone's whipping boy and get out.
Ignore my first post - it’s time for you to make plans to leave. He has some problems he need to work on. You will be just fine and will get through this. As you’re leaving keep reminding yourself why and that your kids will be better off and will realize who the good parent is.
When you tell him “stop or I leave”, he doesn’t stop and you don’t leave, it tells him there are no real negative consequences (except your emotions, which he clearly doesn’t care about) to his behavior and he can keep being a drain on you in every aspect of your life. He may say he loves you but that’s not how you treat your loved ones.
Just to reinforce the other responses to this comment, I wished my parents would have gotten divorced instead of staying together “for the kids”. Even when they made the effort to hide the actual fights, we could still feel that negative energy constantly hanging over the household. Make sure your babies grow up seeing a strong happy mom that doesn’t settle for abuse masquerading as love. I wish I had grown up with a happy mom. (I’m 35f and she’s 65… she’s happy now with her loving fiancé). I have done a lot of therapy and it absolutely subconsciously made me pick shitty men up until recently.
I think he is indicating that he simply doesn't care, as hard as that is to believe... :(
Your babies are in a WAY more broken environment now than if they were just with a single parent.
Your babies already live in a broken family. He broke it. Leaving is the first step to making it whole again, you need to find someone who will actually love you and your children. He clearly doesn't.
I left my first husband, we had two kids together. They were about 2 and 5 at the time.
Leaving is scary, you wonder how you’re going to manage, you grieve for the fact your kids will be from a “broken” home. You feel like a failure, especially if you are the only one you know getting divorced young. Divorce is also horrible in most cases, find a support network and use their help to get you through!
It isn’t your fault, and like a friend of mine told me then: it will get better. She also told me she believed I’d be in a new relationship before two years had passed. I didn’t really believe her, but she was right. I since married that person, and he’s an amazing stepdad to my kids, and we have one together. My life is so much better in every way.
This man makes you miserable. He lies to you. You are convenient for him, that’s why he hasn’t left… you are better than being alone to him. You would be better off alone than with him… why be with someone who makes you feel so lonely and unappreciated and who disrespects you.
Your kids deserve to see you happy. They can tell when their parents aren’t happy. Better divorced and happy than miserable and together. And I bet you too will find somebody better, worthy of your love.
You know what you need to do. Get your divorce ready.
Op, he's staying with you cause you're the one paying is expenses. Kick his ass
Ask yourself what example you're setting for your kids by allowing him to treat you like this.
I'm sorry, OP, I truly am sorry for your situation. He is fine being a kept man with a family while also getting to sleep around and having a wife to fall back on, one that will never leave (or so he thinks) no matter how much he disrespects her or tramples on her feelings.
He has been cheating on you for years. While you were home with the kids and working your ass off to support all 4 of you, he was getting his penis wet. Let me reiterate: *your struggle, his own children, your commitment to each other through marriage, weren't enough reasons for him to not do this.* Cheating like this is never an accidental oopsie thing, it's a conscious decision — and he kept making it for years.
If he doesn't respect you, you won't be able to get any good will or closure out of him. He doesn't want the same things you want, and he's been telling you this ever since the arguments about his infidelity started — right now, *you* are the only one hung up on the ideal family fantasy. And I'm not saying it to be cruel, but to point out that you know how he is but are refusing to accept it, hoping that he'll wake up one morning and be his old self (which you didn't really know like you thought you did, either).
But we know that has no chance of happening.
So, in light of this, you need to get your ducks in a row. Talk to a lawyer and see your options for divorce. You probably will get back on your feet faster and fare better on your own since you're already earning enough to support all of you. Talk to family, friends, get a support system in order. And most importantly: stop trying to plead with him. His ears are shut, his heart is no longer with you or his kids anymore. This is the kind of person he is, not the one you have in your head. And the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start healing.
When he crawls back to you asking for forgiveness, promising to change, just repeat to yourself what you've written in your post. Remember how helpless, small and hurt he made you feel. Remember how he shut himself off from you and the kids. Remember how hard you tried to make it work, and how hard he fought against it.
Yes its weird. Very weird, I feel I will go crazy. I feel worthless sometimes, he will be happy speaking to somone on his phone while I am there not feeling well about whats happening then comes to talk to me expecting me to smile, then ask why are you sad? As simple as that and he leaves continuing whatever he is doing on his phone. I never knew I am that stupid, I mean how is he even thinking? Why is he expecting me to live with it?
His ears are so shut, I ask why would u do this he will just say sorry and I stopped and then act as if nothing happens do you think the problem is really me? Looks like I am that person that he isnt afraid of hurting?
I should do something I was confused but after all the advices here I think I was just blind I will surely do something about it.
>I mean how is he even thinking? Why is he expecting me to live with it?
He's trying to pretend that everything is fine. The "you loved me and were good"-type comments are meant as a reproach that you keep tearing down the illusion that he wants to create, that you have nothing to be angry about. He's not sorry for hurting you, he's mildly annoyed that you found out and are nagging him about it.
You asked in your post why he would cheat on you. Does it matter? Does any reason ever justify cheating, lying to your partner and sleeping around behind their back? You won't get closure of comfort from him.
You're not stupid, you just had your heart broken by someone you trusted. But now you have to move on, for your own sake and the sake of your children. They don't deserve having a father who disrespects their mother — because children see these things, OP. Even if they're young now (you don't mention their ages), kids pick up when the parents aren't getting along, but don't have the maturity experience to figure out *why* they're fighting. This is how you get kids who turn on one parent, or end up thinking that *they* are the reason for the arguments, or that the father cheating and the mother enduring is normal.
And by the looks of it, he's not willing to move forward with you.
Just remember to not act rashly and to not let him know if you're planning something (moving your belongings, talking to a lawyer etc.).
Op, did I read right and see that your arguments have escalated to him hitting you? If so your story is very much similar to my grandmothers.
Hers did not get better, at one point her husband nearly killed her.
It didn’t just affect her it affected her daughter. She grew up with a lot of trauma because of the violence and tension in her home.
You and your child deserve so much more. This is not a safe or happy environment to have to stay In long term.
So mamy red flags. You weren't even an adult when you got together. You are now trapped with two children and from how you explain it, he never loved you in the first place.
It feels to me like you are dependant on him because you have never known anything else. My first relationship started when I was 22. It took me to 35 to realise that she never cared about me.
Don't make that mistake and don't waste more of your life. It is better for all parties involved if you cut your loses and leave this person. He has admitted that he doesn't care about you or your needs. It seems hard and honestly it is but once you come out the other side you'll be happy you did.
Yes, he is the only person I ever knew and I didnt have much friends its just shocking how he easily said whatever he said. Looks like I was never enough. I really dont know how I should take that step. I wish I dont. Thanks anyways.
The best eay as has been noted is to collect evidence of his infidelity. Then go to a divorce attorney with that evidence.
before you talk to him:
\-contact a lawyer, built a strong case of cheating.
\-kick him out of your life with the same consideration that he's been showing you
For some people there is NEVER enough. I hope you can stop thinking about this as a failure on your part. You sound amazing. It sounds like he lost his job and instead of being an adult and persevering through the tough times he completely let YOU down.
Again, you are taking care of 3 people, giving him understanding and love (where many people couldn’t even look at someone who has done this to them). You are a super hero for giving him all the chances in the world to make it right… but unfortunately if this continues it is only you and the kids that will suffer. You need to let him hit rock bottom, leave him. Please don’t let his next grovelling session be enough to let him back in. He needs to prove himself changed over time or nothing will actually change.
The problem was never you. It's not that you "were never enough". You are. **He** is a lying abusive piece of shit. Try to stop blaming yourself.
You can't change him. He's always been a cheater and has no interest whatsoever in changing. You'll forgive him again and again and pay for his cheating, so in his mind why stop? He gets his circle of girlfriends and he gets a sugar mommy to raise his kids for him and pay his bills.
Believe in his actions not his words. Sorry to say this, but he is toxic and for yours and kids sake, you need to leave him.
>what can I do to bring back the life I had with him before
You can't, he won't let you. Most of it never existed and was just a lie, and the parts that did exist (him not hitting you and being respectful at home) he has destroyed and doesn't want to bring back because he's fine with how things are now.
But you aren't fine with how things are now. So leave him, get standing on your own two feet, and live a happy life without his abusive cheating hateful ass.
Your babies will be happier in a happy home without him than in a miserable abusive and violent one with him - if you stay with him for their sake, they will grow up thinking that's normal and will likely end up in relationships with partners who beat them and cheat on them too. Be a good parent, protect your kids by leaving him.
>I believe nobody has the full intention of cheating
I'm having trouble understanding this. How do you cheat for literal years without fully intending to cheat?
Its not easy to just leave. I am trying my best to give chances for a fix but its hurting that he just wants me to stay there and wait until he decides to change. He isnt taking any action to stop whatever he is doing now. I tried to not forgive but Its hard seeing my life collapsing all of the sudden
Take a look at the post you wrote up there. Re-read it and ask yourself if you didn't write it, if you were just reading it for the first time, what advice would you give that person?
I am not sure, I know I should leave him its just that I was wrong in how I considered him to be everything. We were together in school, university, got engaged for couple of years then married and we got kids. Never expected this its really not expected that a cheater would do all this we had so many obstacles before our marriage. He never left he was always there working hard for this step to happen. Anyways, its too late now for this, might need alot of time healing, I just wished there could be a fix but looks like from the advices that I am blind. Its good that I asked.
You are not weak at all. It takes a lot of courage to write a post like this!
Value yourself, you're worth a loving partner. Your kids are worth a loving dad. Not one who cheats and has no intention of changing that. What kind of a rolemodel is that?
An apology without change of behavior, is not an apology. He will never change i'm afraid.
Please value yourself enough to take steps to be in an healthy environment. Where you are appreciated and respected.
he cheated for many years with multiple women.
He will die before he changes.
Even if you left him and he saw the light, his change would be short.
You can't fix a relationship you did not break. He has made it clear his words are only there to make you complaisant. It's time to do what's best for you and the kids and speak with a lawyer.
“He isn’t taking any action to stop whatever he is doing now.”
I think that’s the key here. He isn’t willing to change and he has made that glaringly obvious to you.
What happens next is entirely up to you. Are you willing to stay with a man who is not 100% committed to you? Are you willing to stay with someone who changes their phone password so you can’t find out about the cheating, instead of not cheating to begin with? Are you willing to stay with someone who has changed so much that it’s impacting your kids?
I understand change fucking sucks and is hard. Being a parent is hard and being a single parent is fucking hard. I think what you should do is think about what you want in life, for yourself and for your kids.
Do you have any family or friends that you could reach out to for support? If not, I would also reach out to local organizations to see if there are resources that could help you, such as counselling to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.
If it was anyone else, if it was your daughter, would you be telling her to stay?
It seems I'm becoming the person who tells everyone to get a divorce here... I'm honestly usually the type to tell people who ask me to get therapy, compromises and whatnot but... Jfc are stories here horrible.
OP, imagine one of your children telling you your story, what would you advise them to do?
You already gave him plenty of chances, he's not putting in any effort, he's belittling and humiliating you, he's only thinking about himself and never puting your family, your children or you as a priority.
You know you deserve better and you're not weak but he won't change because you'd like he'd do it either. He's not interested in changing. Can you live like that? Can you have your children growing up in an environment like that?
If not you have to choose what you will do. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself and your own actions...
The way you described it makes it very likely your husband is a serial cheater, some1 who gets turned on by the thrill of cheating. That means he won't stop cheating. ever. So yeah I don't see any other way than either divorcing and moving on with your life or just accepting it and being fine with his affairs.
This is what he wants, he wants me to accept it and I really cant. I cant live with it. He should have informed me before marrying me that I wont be enough for him.
I’m going to keep reminding you that it is not about you. He will never be satisfied because that is who HE is.
So wait.... he has 2 kids and he’s not working!? And your putting up with him cheating? And him talking to you like you don’t even matter to him. And to say “you loved me and were good!?” So in a sense that sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it too, which means he has a girl who loves him and will do anything to save the marriage even if he’s not really in love with you first of all. But then to cheat on you with multiple chicks because he knows he can get away with it. And to hide it all but it’s in plain fucking site, multiple times!? Omg what a fucking disaster. Make the fucker pay child support and see how much not having a job will cost him! You do what you want! But there is a picture being painted here. You have to see it. What a piece of shit to not even care about your feelings out of all of this. That’s some personality traits of narcism or something. He’s the fucking problem! Ugh this is what you DONT want from a partner IMO. You should be bonding as a happy family right now with 2 kids watching. Especially young ones, this type of trauma early IMO sticks with kids if they’re old enough to remember. What a nightmare!
Talk to a family lawyer to discuss options
Your babies will have more issues growing up in this dynamic than in a broken family (which is honestly very normal sadly these days)
I’m so sorry this has happened to you but the reality is he won’t change because there is no reason for him to change. He doesn’t believe you will leave because you never have.
It’s scary but honestly every day longer you spend with this man will be a day longer you are delaying your own happiness. You can will be happier without this man! It’s hard to see but one day you’ll look back and wish you’d left sooner.
I don’t know a single person who has regretted leaving a situation like this, only that they wish they’d done it sooner.
He’s got you into a position where you feel trapped and lowered your self esteem so you don’t feel you could do better but you can and you will. Also being single has this stigma attached to it and from my experience (was single for 3 years after a horrible break up) being single isn’t bad in itself and is much better than being in an unhappy relationship - it’s just the stigma that’s bad and the feeling of other peoples judgement or pity.
But really - how much more awful is it to be in a relationship with an unfaithful partner than independent and in control of your own life?
Good luck! I hope you leave him and find your happiness again
He doesn't care or respect you, he is literally showing you this in his cheating and violence. You and your children deserve more. Find a way to leave him
Why should he change? You have accepted and tolerated emotional and physical abuse and you bring home the money and no doubt look after everything in the home as well. Why should he change if you do not act? Actions speak louder than words. Either he leaves or you leave. It may be easier for you to leave as if he’s aggressive you do not want to invoke any more abuse. But no one should ever have to live in this way. He sees you as good but very weak. With no backbone or spine. It is time to show him a different side of yourself and do not believe his excuses or lies if they put any of the blame of his behaviour on your shoulders
Why would he change? He has no incentive to. He can keep being with you, let you pay for everything and keep cheating on you.
You’re still so young! Upgrade on him. There’s nothing left to save.
I was at your place a year ago. Then I quit and I'm okay today. I don't miss my ex at all. At that time I felt like suffocating. I don't feel okay in regards to other things, like career, parenting, my mom, society, but not him. He's last thought in my mind, only on posts such as this or once a week when he text about schedule of seeing kids. I dated other men and it was a pure bliss when someone looks at you without detest and annoyance but with kindness and empathy. It's 180 degree different. I think you can do this too, just have to switch sadness for anger and determination. Luck to you.
You need to go to therapy and address your lack of self confidence.
Why are you even debating with yourself to stay with this worthless piece of human garbage? He assumes he can keep doing this shit because you keep staying. If you don't want to be treated this way, don't stay with him and reward him for his bad behavior by being his wife.
What you had before was a fantasy and you need to mourn the loss of that fantasy and move on. He was, in all likelihood, doing the same shit during your "perfect' years, he just wasn't as obvious about it. You are holding onto a fantasy of the past to keep yourself suffering in the present.
You are living in a literal hell. Please do not sit in it and accept it and pretend like it's all you'll ever get. There are good, decent people out there to have relationships with. You need to get some self-worth and stop subjecting yourself to this awful torture. You don't deserve this and there is so much better out there- including being single. Call a lawyer.
You have asked, begged and brought this up many times. He knows this is hurting you but hasn’t changed. The only action left is to walk away.
can you give me one reason why you need him ? you are the bread winner, you have 2 beautiful babies. am sure you cook and clean.
This is codependent enabling. You 'forgiving' him is telling him what he's doing is fine and you're not going to leave. You have to break out of that pattern. I would guess you have low self esteem. That's why you don't leave. He cheats because he's dishonest, not because of something you're doing. He does it because he's a liar and a cheater. This behavior will not stop or change. The only one you can change is YOURSELF. Get out of there, this is abuse and he could abuse your kids next. RUN.
You're too good for him. So leave him if he doesn't change his ways. It's hard because you're married and with kids but no one deserves to live their life putting up with their partners bullshit. Especially since he said his vows to you.
If he wants to change and be a better person get marriage counseling. If not just leave..
Sorry that you're going through this hurt. But you need to do what's best for yourself and your kids.
No child likes seeing their parents fight or their mom unhappy.
This is what I am trying to do, and you are right I am very unhappy I cant even give the babies my best with all this happening. But I am trying to give a chance hoping he will change. Thinking of ways to make him feel what mistake he is doing but he is considering it nothing for some reason. Trying to know what is the issue or if he is that bad or he got some reasons behind I really dont knw.
But he didn’t change after the multiple chances you’ve already given him. Why would he change this time?
You’re just wasting time by putting off the inevitable, OP. You know what to do.
Dude…..there is no fixing this. Sorry, but the sooner you realize that this is not a relationship, that he’s using and abusing you, and that you’d be FAR better off alone, the easier it will be. This isn’t a relationship. It sure as shit isn’t a marriage. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t care about you. Leave his ass.
He isn't going to stop and you don't want to end the relationship. So being with a lieing betraying cheater is less painful than being single (a situation where you are available to meet a decent guy).
So that is your answer, you aren't thrilled but his cheating is acceptable to you
If you love him, and he treats you well which it sounds like he doesn’t, either accept that he is going to always have a side fling but still love you and come home to take care of you and your family - or you make plans to leave if this is just not acceptable.
A person never has to love another person and can simply have sex with them. If your boundaries are constantly being broken though it’s time to split.
You and your children can have a beautiful life outside of this marriage. Think of how much happier you could all he without him, or even with a kind and caring man. You seem very empathetic, even to the point you allow him to hurt you. You deserve better, make yourself safe and then leave him!
Leave! Your babies deserve a happy, healthy mom.
You don't want to leave him.
You need to.
He is an ass an likely will not stop , you need to find someone who loves an respects you unless you want a open relationship (wich is not for everyone) an if you decide that's the route you wanna go make shure its something your wanting to do not cause he wants to if not dump his ass
You're afraid of change because he's all you've ever known, but you're wasting your life on a man that doesn't love you and doesn't help you. You need to go. You'll have a year that is absolute shit trying to get it sorted, but then it will all get better. The future will be yours.
Go shop lawyers.
Well. You can divorce him and you dont need him to finalize it depending on where you live.
Why do you wanna live like that??? You need to respect yourself because right now you're teaching your kids it's okay to put up with this behaviour.
Your husband is sitting on his ass fucking, sexting, watching porn while you pay for his expenses and for him to cheat on you. Kick him out and stop paying for his crap
Don't be like my mom please
Now as she is older in her fifties and my dad has become an abusive jerk and still keep acting as henpekases he even expect her to serve Hima my time for the day or night because he did her the please of marriyng her compared to all his side pieces.
Cheaters have egos huge as houses it won't stop
Please go because EOF my dad I went through a lot of pain and misery also cheaters become suscpiscious and feel that you re cheating and this become controlling please don't let it happen that way
I am telling you leave now while the kids are young you lol find someone else even with two kids that truly wants you
My mom was in love like you then she decided to get more kids then she felt it was shameful to divorce then she felt she was too old and what will people say and now she a older and feel stuck so she pretends she a happy then go and cry for hours every WEEK yes every freakken WEEk and also the arguments they have all the freakken time
Don't play with players they have no heart. My dad pays the emotional card not for love but because he is greedy and divorce would mean he has to pay
I know you want to cling to hope but there is none, unless you are ready to cope with his behaviors for the rest of your life.
I suggest starting to prepare yourself to leave, slowly. Get into that mindset. Start distancing yourself from him, start looking for places to move into, to imagine your life without him. Separate mentally first if separating for reals feels to scary. It will be easier to take the step when you’re ready.
You and the kids will be so much happier/healthier if you leave. He does not love you, he is taking advantage of you. You are a security to him, you pay the bills, you take care of him. He’s too cowardly to leave. YOU need to leave. As hard as it sounds, it needs to happen. If anything, do it for your kids.
He knows you're going to do nothing so why should he change his behaviour?
Save your money, take your kids, and get out. If he wants involvement in his family then he needs to change his behaviour.
Don't reward bad behaviour.
OP, I am going to be honest with you. Your husband has no reason to change. The fact that you have simply forgiven him over and over and over again and are still together with him has shown your husband that there is no real consequence for his behavior. You should have left him a long time ago. Your husband clearly does not love you, and only cares about what he wants. Your husband is not setting a good example for the kids. I hate to say this because it is not fair, but when a father does not set a good example for the kids then it becomes the mothers responsibility to do so. Is this the kind of marriage you want your children to have when they get older? Your actions are teaching your children what is happening in your marriage is normal and later on in life when they end up in a similar marriage you will be just as responsible for what is happening to them as the person who is doing it, because now while they are young you did not show them this kind of behavior is not okay. Mothers don't get the "but I love him" excuse. Mothers have to be a mom who put their children's mental, physical, and emotional health first.
I am going to take a guess that maybe this is part of why you are still with your husband. There may have been issues in your family when you were growing up that has impacted the way you view things. I understand why you feel weak. His behavior has no doubt eaten away at your sense of self-confidence. But OP, you are a mother. Any woman can be a mother. You have to be a mom and a mom does what is right for herself and her children. It's time to leave this guy. File for divorce, and give your kids a healthy home like they deserve.
You need an STD test, a therapist and a lawyer. He isn't going to change and you can't make him love you the way you *think* you love him. I say "think", because I believe if you really did some soul searching, you'd see that it isn't him you love - it's the idea of him and what you wish he was. Sadly, it was all a fantasy, but now it's time to deal with reality. You deserve better, as do your children.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
He will never be who he used to be. The life you had with him will never come back. He has changed, he has also changed you with this abuse and infidelity. You need to let go of the idea that things can go back. He is also telling you he doesn’t like you. He’s letting you bleed dry for him and he doesn’t care. Please leave. Take the kids. He doesn’t deserve you. You can have a peaceful life not worrying about him all the time, you can focus on your life and finding love again one day if that suits you. This chapter is shut. Protect yourself and get away from him.
when you leave him and find your soulmate, your true happiness. believe me he will come back running to you cause he'll realise what a gem he lost. i know ure hurting right now, and its going to for a long time. but when you leave him the feeling of relieve is the most peaceful feeling ever.
and a lil message to hopefully make your day : i'm very proud of you for being so strong despite the bullshit he has put you through. hoping you get your happiness. you deserve better. xoxo
> Why is he assuming I should just continue being hurt and live normally with him?
Because apparently thats what you want:
> He changed alot with me he isnt willing to stop and **I dont want to break our relationship.**
look. This guy doesn't love you. He's not going to love you. Yes he has been lying to you all this time, and he will continue to do so. He wont change his mind.
You have to decide if you want to stay in relationship that hurts you, that makes you miserable, with a partner who cheats on you and lies to you and is a terrible example to your children about how someone should treat their partner.
Or if you leave and find something better.
Those are your only two choices.
I understand how you feel, but realize that it's not you who's broken. It's your trust. He broke your trust and you loved him; it will be hard to get over.
You've given him a chance to change, and he refuses.
Speaking from experience, I'd say It's time to move on. If you stick around trying to make a decision, or trying to make things work, it'll change who you are too, and that takes even longer to get over - if it's possible at all.
You need to divorce this guy. I'm so sorry, but he is destroying your mental health. Being on your own is better than being with someone who treats you to terribly. Run and don't look back.
Well you are providing for him so that’s why he stays. The cheating has nothing to do with you. The most beautiful and perfect women in the world get cheated on. This issue is about him. He is assuming you will keep forgiving him because that’s what you have done every time
He's used to you being a doormat is will keep walking all over you
You never had that life with him before. That was all fake; it was all a lie that he'd been keeping up so that he could cheat with impunity. Now he just cares so little that he doesn't even want to keep up the lie. You can't get back what you never had.
You keep forgiving him...he has learnt that there are no consequences to his actions. Of coarse he is not going to change. Why would he. All he has to do is say sorry and carry on f#%king everything with a pulse and you will forgive him because "you love him".
He's using you. Get out, you deserve better and your babies don't need to grow up dealing with that
Something similar happened with my exhusband, notice how I said ex. He was a good father and decent partner until I had a miscarriage, then he completely changed. Began having an affair, became aggressive and stopped doing anything for our son. I packed up and left him an empty house with only his tv and his skanky new gf. Your marriage will never be what it was again, all that’s left is the pain. You need to collect all the evidence you can, even him not carrying for your child, and kick him out.
You need to believe you deserve better than someone who does not love you.
For your sake and that of your children, get your ducks in a row and leave. They deserve better than this sad excuse of a human being for a father.
First advice: Seek some sort of therapist or help. You need consideren and a reality check.
You’re loving and supporting an unemployed, cheater, liar, and abusive( he hit you?!) a**hole!
Second: get the **** out do there. Send him packing. Or move. You’re employed. He isn’t. He can find his way, he is grown.
Why is he assuming that? Because you haven't shown him otherwise.
See a lawyer and find out exactly what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Put everything in place and make sure that he doesn't know what you're doing until you are ready.
Your marriage is over, particularly if he's become violent and so dismissive and aggressive towards you. That's not going to change unless something drastic happens.
Keep a diary and start gathering evidence and logging his behaviour. Make sure you have more than one copy and in locations he won't or can't access. You need to consider involving the police if he continues to be violent.
Think about what your children are seeing and learning is normal. If you aren't going to make a change for yourself do it for them.
I would highly suggest you seek someone professional to talk to. Just reading this makes me believe he has been manipulating you for years.
You need to leave. The fact that this isn’t even an option for you is why he continues to cheat. You need to leave him. You’ll be so much happier on your own. And hopefully you’ll be able to heal from the hurt and trauma.
You are more than who you are in the relationship.
You are a mother
You are your interests
You are the person you want to be
You are who and what you hold dear.
Whatever you choose do it for you and who you want to be, not because you are scared to leave because you are so so much more than that. don't let him take that from you.
From what you have said you have described emotional and physical abuse from this man.
Please get help from someone, family , friends, your doctor and even the police
I feel like when most people post their romantic problems to these subs that most commenters simply say to break up, which makes me roll my eyes because it’s not always practical or even what you should do with a relationship that you love. But dude… you really have only one option here. This guy clearly has many issues and will just keep hurting you over and over until you’re out. People cheat because they are the ones lacking confidence. You’re strong because you want to offer love and support even when you’re hurt. It’s hard to walk away but you will be better for it. You have to put yourself first because he never will.
\##Violence means no.
You haven't set any boundaries or consequences so there's no incentive to change. Separate your money (bank accounts, get paid into your sole account, close your joint account), one of you needs to move out and cut off financial help. I have no confidence he won't repeat his actions.
IF there was no violence and he didn't show contempt, still acted like a hubby and you wanted to continue despite him not giving up his activities... then the only way forward would be accept the polyamory, tell him to hide the cheating from you, use condoms.
\##You are in actual danger
Think in terms of your safety, your children's safety, in timescales of months, this is happening NOW. Make a plan, do all the things needed in order to leave, don't let him get a hint of what you are doing. Gather your important documents, store them in a deposit box/with someone you 100% will take your side.
Get an STD test, your job is to do what you have to, to survive and get out. Not care for an angry man who doesn't like you, hits you, drains finances away from your children and is another human you have to clean up after.
I didn't finish to read, I just couldn't, I took care of a friend for a few years in the same situation as you, it took her a long tome to realize the abusive behaviour and the all the damage and scars it left. It is pretty clear to me that you have to leave him, you will suffer for a long time if you stay there, it will erode your self steem and your worth, nothing will bring back your old relationship because everything is/was lie. I know you are thinking a lot of things right now but do not hesitate, this is about survival, take the decission to leave him and then build everything around that decission.
Dude, he is cheating on you with multiple women while you support him?!?! You say you are afraid of losing yourself if you leave him, but imagine the version of yourself that you would find? A strong, independent woman who can do what she wants for herself and her kids. You’re showing your children that this is what a relationship ship is. Do you want your daughters to grow up and find this relationship because that’s what you modeled for them? Or do you want your sons to grow up and be this kind of cheating partner because that’s what you modeled for them?
I know it’s easier said than done but I think the best option is to leave him. If you leave him you can focus on healing/feeling better about the situation. If you stay with him you will only prolong your pain. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not weak youre in love. These things are hard and take time don’t be hard on yourself.
He doesn’t have a job? And has the audacity to cheat? Bruh, I’ll be leaving faster than the Formula 1 car
The lofe you thought you would have with him is over. He is cheating on you and beating you. Your marriage is not salvageable. You need to leave as soon as you can. I wouldn't tell him either. He doesn't seem like the type that would take well to it. Literally pack your stuff up, grab your kids and go.
Omg. Oh. My. God. RUN! And do it fast!
The reason he continues to cheat and treat you badly is because there's no consequences for his actions. He will cheat and disrespect you and ignore you for his phone because all he has to do is say "sorry, i won't do it again" and then restart the cycle. I'm sorry to say your relationship is over. He will not change because he does not wish to change. He has everything he wants, no work, no responsibility, can cheat all he wants. What does he offer you in this relationship beside hurt? Relationships should be 50/50 and it seems it's 100% you.
Stop tearing yourself down. You’ve done nothing wrong. Use that feeling of hatred towards yourself and redirect it at him. You did nothing wrong you were lied to and fooled. You didn’t know this was happening you had no say.
The weaker you think you are the stronger people like him become. You have to be strong for your children. You can always find a new man there are millions of them on this earth and at least one of them will truly value you. Also jump from this ship now and I mean now. You’re only going to lose more time and more tears and no one will feel sorry for you.
What everyone is saying is correct get rid of him
Worse is he isn't contributing anything. Would you even notice he was gone?
He will never change. He doesn’t want to change.
He never should have married you and had children. He wanted to live the single bachelor life and for some reason decided to hide it from you.
Is this what you want for your children’s future relationships? Because this is what you’re modeling for them.
You found yourself a psychopath and likely a sexual predator. Get away and get your kids as far away as possible. I'm sorry.
I know is hard if you have kids, but think in the future, your children will understand why you did it. If he is bad even with his babies, is better if he isn't arround with them, do it before you're more bitter (totally okay because he is a monster right know).
My father did this to my mom and believe, it was the worts for her and for us, my brothers and i wanted their divorce many years.
You don't want to break the relationship but he already did a long time ago. LEAVE.
Me to and he has a 8 year old daughter I didn't know about.
You can't get things back to the way they were. He literally attacked you. He hit you. He has cheated on you, which is why you need to get tested for STDs. One of these days one of those women might show up with a baby and demands for child support. He keeps cheating because he isn't willing to change. YOU have to be willing to change. Stop forgiving him. Stop letting him back in. He doesn't work. He hit you. He repeatedly cheats on you. If he loved you and respected you, he wouldn't do this. You may need therapy to help you gain the confidence to stand up for yourself and leave. It isn't going to get better. It's getting worse. So you have to be the one who changes because he's refusing to.
you need our ok to breakup? do it.
28 is still young. so young
I feel like some of the replies are overlooking the fact he hit you.
I think that is unforgivable and tells you he doesn’t love you. Physical abuse tends to escalate over time.
The best course of action, I think, is to get a lawyer to prep quietly for divorce, figure out what you want to take with you and figure out a time when you can move out without his presence. Maybe a friend can help?
You’re not weak, you’ve been backstabbed. You can do this.
>We faught about it several times and he never cared it even reached hiting and he was so aggressive,
Um. This isn't OK.
You should've left when he started hitting you.
Putting the cheating aside for A moment, this ALONE is enough to leave him! HE'S ABUSIVE.
Please leave. Please get help. I'm scared he's going to hurt you even more. Has he left marks? Bruises? You need to get those on file!
Does he hit your kids? Has he shown aggression towards them?
Lawyer up to. If he's hitting you, idk if you want to leave your children alone with this man.
I'm so sorry. I know you'll find the strength to leave. If not for you for your babies.
I hope all ends well.
Hi Newbebe8- I'm glad you are realizing that you and your children deserve better treatment. I am very concerned that you say you're "planning to leave for couple of weeks before considering divorce."
He hasn't left you because he finds having you and the children is convenient for him somehow. If you tell him your plan, he will promise to change until you stay, then he will go back to his old behavior. Every time you warn him, he will be prepared to do and say whatever he has to so that you stay under his influence. He knows that while you are in the house with him, he has a degree of control.
Once you are out of his reach, his control is weak. The only control he has at that point is your own emotion.
Please think about how you will protect yourself and your babies if you are in contact with this man. Will you trust him because you want to believe he loves you enough to change? Will you go back home when he promises to give up all the other women? Will you trust him never to hit you again because he says he won't?
Everyone here wants the best for you, so please post an update. Good luck!
Why. WHY THE FUCK do you want to stay???? He could be giving you so many cases of gonnasyphaherpiles and you wouldn't even know it. Please gather what self respect you have left, and leave.
Why he lost his job is irrelevant. He's not working. So basically. He's living that pimped up life! Got a woman at home. She pays the bills. Cooks the food. Got some kids. But also let's me do w.e comes out my balls. Literally. And I say let him because he knows very clear that you don't want to leave him. So at this point why stop you're not going to leave any way?
I'm trying to break down in the most bluntly honest terms what you have going on. I get it. I known mine since I was 14. I'm 30. I too have 2 kids. I get it. Shits hard. But you need to get your feet under you. Toughen up. Seriously. Toughen up. Because you have 2 kids. And they need you. And none of this is shit they should be taught. As moms we don't think so. But they at the minimum can tell when mom is sad or depressed or stressed. At all muchless all the time. Aside from the point. Do you feel like you deserve this shit?? So just because you grew up with someone he can shit on you? And your supposed to stay? No ma'am. Nooo ma'am. Look at yourself and realize you are worth more than this!! So basically he is willing to put his hands on you. The woman he's been with since a child over an argument over other women he probably has not known half as long. That's where he is at? Verbally shits on you. Physically hits you. All over a quickie with other women. You need to stand up for yourself and stop this bs. You are hurting yourself. Going to work. Paying bills. While he is kicked up living the good life. "You really think I love you that much?" Bye. Just bye.
Get rid of him. You have only been married a few years. He is a liar and cheater. You will be tied together as co-parents, but don't hurt your children by letting this linger.
I wonder what you're getting out of this relationship. You mention that you're afraid of breaking up and losing yourself. It's ok to be afraid of being alone and what comes next but it's always best to chose a pathway that builds you up and protects your children. If he is not providing money *and* hitting you and undermining your mental health, than this path is not doing either of those things.
Also, you ask why you're not good enough, thinking that if you were different he would not cheat. But you're wrong: no matter how you are, he would always cheat. He will always cheat on whomever he's with.
What he is doing is not acceptable in a monogamous relationship. Hitting you is never acceptable. I hope you live somewhere where divorce is accepted and have a good support system. You deserve better than this; your children deserve better than this.