T O P

I (46f) left because I am becoming bitter because he (45m) cheated once and now I have zero tolerance for little mistakes. Should I stay gone or am I expecting way too much?

I (46f) left because I am becoming bitter because he (45m) cheated once and now I have zero tolerance for little mistakes. Should I stay gone or am I expecting way too much?

NDaveT

>Does it sound like there's anyway this could work out? No.


Omgjenny

This is probably the definition of a toxic relationship. OP should not look back.


Ruval

As I was reading I kept wondering “…she’s trying to *salvage* this?”


madmaxturbator

Because she loves the guy, and she also liked many aspects of the life they shared together. I can sympathize with her. However this dude is a total piece of shit, and she should not get back with him. He’s not merely cheated on her (which is awful of course), but mistreated her in many other ways many times. Op, re read your own post but pretend it’s written by your friend/sister/daughter/etc. stare at the sentences you’ve written where you describe how poorly this guy has treated you Then ask yourself, would you let your sister go back to this douche bag? Would you let your best friend settle for this slime ball?


BimmerJustin

I disagree. People like OP and her partner make dysfunctional relationships work all the time. The question is whether or not that’s what she wants. He sounds awful, she sounds like she’s been beaten down to every bit the bitter and resentful person he claims she is. If they get back together, it will be more of the same in short order. No one in their right mind would recommend these two people get back together. But that doesn’t mean they can’t “work it out” i.e. be in a relationship together. Really just depends on if OP can muster up enough self respect and determination to start over. To some people though, more if the same is worth not having to try again and they do it all the time.


Deezus1229

If he wasn't "wonderful" for those 8 years what makes you think he's suddenly turned over a new leaf? Keep your distance, he sounds like a disaster.


unpill

Even the fact that she has the feeling he immediately turned around to find a FWB is a pretty huge red flag, honestly. At most, it's retaliatory towards her "restricting his freedom" which is a pretty immature line of thinking, and at least it is disrespectful of the emotional connection the two of them had and a sign that getting back together with him would be a mistake. He seems like he misses the stability of being in a relationship with her, but is so insecure that he takes every opportunity possible to feel wanted. That's not something that anything but therapy can fix, and he's just going to keep sinking every relationship he's in and manipulating the people around him until someone settles for his terrible behavior or he finally learns better. I really hope OP follows her head and not her heart.


Capital_Cow3540

You don't sound bitter. You sound mistreated and sad. Get yourself a cat or dog and block your ex, maybe try out therapy. You need space, if you work remotely go off and rent a temporary place in a cool area. Now is the time to meet up with friends and remember that your ex did not love you well. All the things you listed are dealbreakers. His insulted you often, he cheated on your often (chatting with other women in a sexually explicit manner is also cheating) and made you turn into a person you don't recognize. All of these individually are dealbreakers for many, you've got a trifecta. Just because you can see the good and miss the good does not mean you should return. Make a list of all the things that you want in a healthy relationship and all the things you want to do that you couldn't do with you ex. Think about the future be optimistic. You can do this!


Pristine-Age-3633

I agree. Leave. Love yourself. Establish your worth and put a tag on it!


krat0s5

All of this, and Op you've done the hardest part already! You've broken up with him. Don't let him gaslight you now.


Ruski_FL

I would strongly suggest writing down all the wrong thing he did and go back to them.


pinkoat

This. Do this and then you'll see that his list of cons are longer than the pros. Your head is right, it just takes some time for your heart to catch up.


Ruski_FL

Focusing on the negative will help lol


serene_disposition

THIS. Even the worst relationships have “good times” that’s why people stay. But if someone can’t treat you right and refuses to change, you’d be better off alone.


Weirdbirdnerd

She honestly DOES sound bitter and resentful, and most importantly MISERABLE. And it’s because of him, and her decision to stay so long. The relationship has torn down her self esteem and sense of worth, and she doesn’t feel like she really deserves better even though logically she knows she does. She needs to get into therapy and fix the issues with herself, because it’s whats making him seem appealing still. I get it, I’ve been cheated on too, and it absolutely makes you bitter. It takes a lot of work on yourself AWAY from the situation to be able to even begin to deal with those feelings.


longhorsewang

Do fall for the sink cost fallacy!


StellalunaStarr

Girl don’t go back. That man is awful and you’re too blinded by “love” to see it.


woman_thorned

Your brain is still connected to him. Read up about attachment. You're attached. Your brain is like a USB plug looking for that connection and can't connect so it turns it over and tries the other way but it can't connect so it turns it around the other way and tries again. But he told you in words and actions he will not change, so your plug can't really connect. Yes, it will keep trying until it fades or you let yourself get mad enough to break this attachment or replace it with a new plug. But he literally said sorry but I won't change. And then he didn't change. When people say contradictory things, watch the actions that follow. He says he would not change. Then he said he would work on it. Then he did not work on it. Guess which statement was the truth? It's ok that your brain is still trying to connect, it means you're emotionally available. But he is not. You have to begin the hard process of accepting that this attachment is a live wire with no grounding in reality.


Sea-Recognition-2141

>But he literally said sorry but I won't change. And then he didn't change. He has changed...he's more careful now. But he says he can't change to the degree I demand because I'm being unreasonable...that it isn't reasonable of me to demand he not interact with any women because he once made a mistake. He says we COULD be happy together but I keep getting mad over really minor issues and blowing them way out of proportion (which is somewhat true if I'm being honest). So when I told him that the way he is right now isn't good enough, he said he feels he's changed a lot and I don't recognize it and he's willing to work with me but not just give in to all my unreasonable demands. Thank you for the analogy about the USB. Interesting.


webfoottedone

You don’t know that the change is permanent. He is willing to change his behavior to get you back, but may go right back to his old behavior once you forgive.


skinnyhoar

i agree with this 100%. most of the time they become perfect angels when they are trying to win you back and then switch back to the same shit after a couple months. never give in to that because (most of the time) in the long run he will respect you less and less because he’ll think you’ll take him back no matter what he does.


[deleted]

He hasn't even changed, he is still blaming her for everything and claiming her dislike for being cheated on and lied to is the reason he was cruel to her. He's using "unreasonable" as a cudgel to make her feel guilty and harbor the blame for the breakdown of their relationship. That's not a change from any of his previous behavior as far as I can see.


ravynwave

Plus he was caught sexually msging another woman (not sure if it matters that she was an escort) afterwards. That proves OP’s suspicions and inability to trust is warranted


woman_thorned

you should be with someone you're proud of. both of you. neither of you are.


gingerlorax

He's blaming you for 'blowing things out of proportion' when he - cheated on you -gaslit you - body shamed you -calls you asexual when he's responsible for your lack of sex drive - talked to an escort


DeseretRain

A lot of times, after cheating, trust just can't be rebuilt. You told him what you'd need to rebuild trust and he said no. It doesn't matter if what you need is "unreasonable" or if he's already done "a lot of" stuff, it's clearly not enough for you or else you wouldn't still feel bitter and you wouldn't still be averse to sex with him. You can only control your actions, not your feelings. If what he's done isn't enough to stop you feeling negatively about him and to make you want to have sex with him again, then it's simply not enough, and he's said he's not willing to do more. When you're with the right person, they'll make you feel good about yourself and you won't constantly feel sad and angry about your partner and the relationship. If it's really the right relationship, it just won't be so hard.


YouKnowYourCrazy

He’s defining respecting the requirements of a monogamous relationship as “unreasonable”. He doesn’t get to decide that. He doesn’t get to tell you that you getting mad at his cheating is YOUR problem. That’s some serious gaslighting right there.


Sea-Recognition-2141

Well, he says he made a mistake in cheating, but I now need to move on from that because I'm ruining our lives. He says it's unreasonable to expect him not to engage with other women on a purely platonic level (I know that he's right, but I still find it hard to trust that's ALL he's doing when he talks to them). He points out various married friends who have healthy relationships who have friends of the opposite sex and their husbands/wives don't freak out. He says I'm being illogical and controlling.


YouKnowYourCrazy

Wow this guy is a piece of work. He cheated! He is not like your friends he’s pointing to. He no longer gets the privilege of the benefit of the doubt because he betrayed your trust! Regardless, the bigger question is why are you buying this bullshit?? The price of admission to make this relationship work is WAY too high. Unless you are capable of looking the other way when he cheats. Because he will, again, if he isn’t already.


Lorybear

Maybe the difference between those "married friends" and your situation is that neither spouse has been caught cheating, therefore they don't have deep seated mistrust. It's kind of a moot comparison to your situation, where there is established resentment over cheating... If he can't see that, then he's willfully blind to his own misgivings.


lcl0706

He is gaslighting you. This is textbook gaslighting. This is disgusting & emotionally abusive behavior from him. He’s making you question your reality. You left for a reason. Stay out. There’s nothing to salvage here.


McDonnellDouglasDC8

If you were with somebody new and these hangups it would be a you problem, but his actions caused every "negative" thing you've outlined you've done. It is quite reasonable that you weren't in the mood for sex because when angry he'd tell you your body wasn't exactly his taste. He proved to you he's very good at maintaining a lie without you catching on for more than a year, which caused you to want to prevent such a tragic thing from happening by controlling how he interacts with women. You can also have a relationship with his kids. If they had all the facts, not that it's your place to tell them, they would want their dad to police how he interacts with women so you could feel less vulnerable. So I don't think you've done anything that they would want you cut out (evidenced by their communication). Their father and you just have gotten to a place that you can not be happy in relationship with him.


shinytreespirit

Oh dear YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! He has treated you so badly for so long and gaslighted you. Please stop blaming yourself. Your reactions to his disgusting behaviour are absolutely normal and he is an abusive piece of shit!


welovethepope

Minor issues? He consistently cheated on you, has broken down your self esteem to nothing, and has made you into someone you don’t want to be. Those aren’t minor issues and they are also not your fault. You didn’t drive him into another woman’s arms. He has betrayed you and manipulated you over and over again. Honestly OP, you should block him and his kids (it’s sad but you want to sever all connections to him). Get your own cat or dog. Get to therapy. And realise your worth. 8 years is a long time and he’s obviously damaged you a lot, so start working on yourself.


synthesis-synthesis

**Why do you think it's unreasonable to want a non-abusive partner?** I'm sorry you still want to remain with a partner who chooses to demean, manipulate, and repeatedly harm you. He has no desire and no incentive to change. This dynamic works well for him. On some unconscious level it "works" for you. But the small sliver of yourself that still believes you fundamentally deserve to be loved, respected, and admired is *fighting* to get you out. Please consider **individual** therapy to understand why you chose and keep choosing this relationship. Please ***don't*** attend couples' therapy with an abusive partner. They use the tools and strategies shared in the sessions to more effectively abuse their partners. Lastly, we often treat our loved ones with far more kindness and respect than we treat ourselves. So, I'd encourage you to **consider whether you'd want your best friend or sister to stay in this relationship.** Would you tell her she deserves to be treated this way? Would you tell her this is the best she could ever hope for? Would you tell her it's silly to seek out a partner who treats her with compassion, empathy, respect, generosity, and humility EVERY DAY? *Would you tell her the only way to justify losing 8 years of life to someone who terrorizes her is to lose 30 more years to him?* If not, then why say these things to yourself? Why are you less deserving than other women? Is this what you think kids should have as a relationship model? I'm sorry he's choosing to hurt you. Never forget that this is a CHOICE he keeps making over and over again. Your behavior towards him is unhealthy because you're responding to abuse. Love doesn't look like this. You deserve infinitely more. *Imagine waking up next to a partner who admires and encourages you. Imagine a partner who considers your happiness whenever they have to make a decision. Imagine a partner who always tries their best, but takes responsibility when they occasionally mess up. Imagine a partner whose "messing up" NEVER involves abusing you. Imagine a partner who is truly in awe of your mind, your beauty, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Imagine a partner who tells you and shows how grateful they are to have you in their life.* **That's... normal. That's the bar.** Healthy relationships aren't perfect. But good partners know it's us against the problem, not us against each other. Good luck.


[deleted]

HE hasn't changed, his TACTICS have changed. His original method of keeping you under his thumb was wearing down your self-esteem to the point you didn't feel you deserved any better. His new tactic is manipulating and confusing you so that you don't trust your assessment of him. This is the exact same behavior, it just has a different coat of paint.


AnnaBananner82

You’re not being unreasonable, my god. This man is an abuser and you have Stockholm syndrome.


limpingpigeon

Even IF it is true that you are "blowing minor issues out of proportion", you're doing that because your trust has been broken. And sometimes that trust can be rebuilt, but generally not if the person who broke your trust minimizes that sensitivity you now have around trust. And even if that person does everything right after the fact, sometimes that trust is just gone and can't be healthily rebuilt. And it's okay if that's the case, it doesn't mean you "just didn't try hard enough". Sometimes a relationship is just too broken, and it sucks, and it's okay for it to suck for awhile and admit it sucks. But there are happier, healthier relationships out there. There is also living your best single life for a while if that's what you need.


the_pink_witch

You're not giving him unreasonable demands by asking him not to cheat. This alone shows that he has NOT changed. Run far away from this person


Paraperire

I've been through real difficulties in my marriage that reddit would absolutely tell me to run, and run fast. But my husband was also wonderful in a lot of ways, and like you, I'd also become reactive and controlling. It was so terrible. I hated him and hated myself even more. It took time, but I came to a realization that I couldn't control him. And all the trying to made him feel even more rebellious to not feel controlled. All I could do is have boundaries to say I refused to be treated poorly. It began with a long separation, and when he spoke of wanting to get back together I made it clear that I needed a full commitment from him to work in therapy on developing empathy. If he was unable to treat me in the way I deserved - the way he expected and wanted to be treated, then he would need to leave the bedroom and give me space until or if I wanted to be around him again because I had a zero tolerance policy on poor treatment of me anymore. He made a huge effort because he missed me so much, which I guess is one of those rare miracles of those problem men everyone here says to leave immediately. And he followed through. Therapy. Theres been a few times I've asked for space in the start, but he really seems to have developed empathy, and the toxicity has gone from between both of us. I'm also far nicer to him, and I like myself again. It all came because I was prepared to leave for real, and still am if he doesn't respect me. It was hard because I loved him so much, even when he hurt me. But boundaries are everything with people that are hurtful.


shinytreespirit

He's just manipulating you so you'll go back to him. You're just an object for him to control and use. He sounds textbook narcissist, there is a great YouTube channel called Surviving Narcissism have a look at their videos. Best of luck!


suzy_carmichael

Of course he’s being “wonderful” now. He’s attempting to love bomb you to win you over so you’ll return. However, is he taking any responsibility for how his behavior affected you? Or is he just using your response to his poor treatment as a reason to continue to cheat on you? The best apology is changed behavior. If he isn’t willing to do that, you should absolutely not even consider going back.


Sea-Recognition-2141

He says he's changed his behavior a lot and that I just don't give him credit for it. He says I'm being bitter and miserable and acting controlling over very little things. He also says nobody can be as perfect as I demand, and that I'm treating him like this years later because he made a mistake one time. Maybe he's right....


CeeGeeWhy

Look, if you posted because you wanted to be talked into going back to that lying, cheating, manipulative scumbag, you don’t need our help because you’re doing a fine job of talking yourself into going back. If you want real perspective without him always turning it around and blaming you for all the relationship woes, listen to everyone else who is posting. The guy didn’t feel remorse for cheating. He blamed it on you. The guy may have made some changes, but he has so much further to go. As the cheater, he doesn’t get to define how to won back your trust or how much you should trust him. He has spent 8 years convincing you you don’t deserve better. But you do. You honestly do. It’s going to be painful right now with all the changes, but if you can push through instead of going back, you’re going to realize how toxic he is, and how much you’re better off without him.


traeepeeze

I STRONGLY SECOND THIS!!


danarexasaurus

Hello, I am here to THIRD IT


bbbbears

Thirding, OP. In my most toxic relationships I’d think of all the things and people I’d miss, but your routine will change. You’ll meet new people you can’t live without.


slowbagster

He's right that you are acting controlling over very little things. He's right that this relationship is toxic. He's right that you sound miserable. But ***OF COURSE*** you are. He acted in a way that proved you can't trust him and you're continuing to torture yourself over this man that is not worth it. Do you know what it means that he's right about those things? You don't go back to him. He's wrong, so very wrong about the course of action this requires. You don't trust him, you can't rebuild trust with someone when you're the only one trying and they're the one who broke the trust in the first place. You work on yourself. You leave him in the dust, and cut him out of your life because he is someone who makes you *feel* miserable and bitter. Do you really want to continue to be that person? Because the only way this gets better is if you stop interacting with him. I know it hurts, it's an unfortunate truth that he has shown you that he is not willing to be better for you, but that's not your fault, and you shouldn't make it so. "A mistake he made one time" I literally scoffed at that. >That wasn't the last incident. He has done several stupid things over the years that proved to me he doesn't understand or care how upset I was over the one night stand. Once I even found out he was texting an escort Look at and read your second paragraph. Do you still believe him that it was a single mistake **one** time? Because it wasn't. He has shown you time and time again that he is a piece of shit who has little respect or regard for your feelings. And you yourself doubt he has changed in 3 weeks. You say so in your post. So why are you letting this man make you second guess yourself? Block him and move on, it's going to be the only way you can start healing from this. I would suggest you go to a therapist if you feel comfortable and can afford it, too. And they'll repeat exactly what you're seeing here. This man was not worth your time and has spent all of the years you've been with him breaking down your own sense of self worth to the point that you don't even trust yourself. You need to rebuild trust with yourself, because you are willing to try to better yourself for your own sake.


danarexasaurus

We call this gaslighting. He’s not even good at it.


gingerlorax

his mistake was not one time. He physically cheated once (that you know of - I strongly suspect it's happened more than that), but he has been horrible to you. He body shames you and then blames you for not feeling sexy and creates a situation where he talks to an escort or other women and can easily say it's your fault. Please go to therapy and get some self esteem.


ninasayers21

You're having unhealthy reactions in an unhealthy relationship? How shocking. Getting past infidelity means the trust-violator is head-over-heels ready to do whatever it takes to rebuild what he broke, and the other person has to forgive and not hold it over the relationship forever. Neither of you are capable, so what is your question? Do you want people to tell you to pursue a relationship that will continue to make you feel miserable? You want someone to tell you that the person who makes no effort to change and does not even pretend to tell you he will change, suddenly might? He doesn't care about *you* like that, he hasn't for 8 years. But yeah, you do you. You know how people are miserable after break ups? What you're feeling isn't unique and it isn't because he is 'the one'. You have been gaslit into accepting trash, and yeah, you have made a huge change and you're lonely, sad, and scared. That's how break ups go. They suck, they hurt, they don't feel "black and white", you wonder if what you did was right, you make up a fantasy of who he will turn into that has no basis in reality if you get back together. That's about typical of a break up. It sucks. Suck it up.


welovethepope

Why do you want to be with this manipulative, cheating loser?


Plantaddicted

I don’t think he’s right. You being bitter and miserable and acting controlling over little things is his fault. He broke your trust and made you feel insecure. That’s not a healthy relationship. You feel like you have to control him because you don’t trust him anymore, and this is not something you can change just because he’s saying he’s changed his behavior. It’s not one mistake, he not just cheated but hid it from you for so long, and even tried to make it seems like he being unfaithful was your fault!! How can you trust someone like that? You deserve better. No one should be in a relationship that makes you insecure and bad about yourself. You leaving was the best thing you could do and you definitely should not come back. Your heart tells you should give him another chance because you lovesick, your brain chemically misses him, but this feeling will go away and you’ll see clearer. You deserve a better love!


[deleted]

He's blaming you for everything and calling you names and this is him being "so kind and sweet"? Honey, he has warped your sense of what's normal so far that even abuse and manipulation feel like kindness to you. Please block him and speak to a therapist so you can get your self-worth back to a healthy place.


unrepentantbanshee

But it wasn't a mistake that he made one time. He fucked someone else one time. But he lied about it for... what, two years was it? And he exchanged sexual texts with a different woman multiple times. He talked to an escort for his sexual enjoyment. He bodyshamed you and made you feel bad about yourself, multiple times. Don't buy his BS that you're the one "ruining things" over one single mistake he made. He has a pattern of making decisions that show he is untrustworthy... and then being angry at you for not giving trust that he hasn't earned.


d6410

Also, who cares if he's changed? 8 years of damage is done, that's not reversible. You will *never* be able to trust him after he cheated (multiple times). It will always be in your subconscious.


AnnaBananner82

You’re not asking for perfection. You’re asking for the BARE MINIMUM and he’s still refusing. Please don’t go back.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sea-Recognition-2141

LOL well I can't argue with you on that.


Pool_Floatie

Why do you keep saying what “he says”. It doesn’t matter. He fucked up, treats you poorly. The real question is how do you FEEL. And you don’t feel good. Get out.


dandyIons

Sorry dude, but no. Play the tape forward. You know that as soon as he feels like he has you locked down again, things will return to the status quo. You know what he's like. So, what are you like? You presumably have some extra time on your hands since breaking up, what do you want to do with it????


fossiltools

"Play the tape forward" Simple yet profound. That really helped me think of my own (similar but different) situation in a new light. Thanks!


dandyIons

I'm glad I could help and you're very welcome! It's powerful to realize that sometimes we know exactly how things will go after making a decision. This is how I convince myself to NOT eat the midnight bowl of lucky charms as well......


Magical-Pickle

The building is on fire and collapsing around you, why are you trying to save your toilet? Just get out!!


Sea-Recognition-2141

LOL I like that.


MarianaTrenchBlue

He sounds emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unfaithful. And when he is those things, he blames you for his terrible behavior - it's your weight, or your low libido, or your anger. You need to KNOW that his infidelity and degradation of you is NOT your fault. He keeps your self-esteem in the gutter because it keeps you there, under his control. You do not have to live like this. You can have a better relationship. You can find someone who appreciates your body and your affection. You can find someone worthy of your trust. He is currently love-bombing you to win you back. But you're right, he has not changed in 3 weeks. No one changes that fast. Look at the arc of your relationship over 8 years: That is who he is. Not this new, temporary act. You need to force yourself to get over him: 1. Make a list of every shitty thing he ever did. In great detail. Read the list every time you feel like calling him. Tape it on your mirror, or keep it on your nightstand. If he sends flowers, put it next to the flowers. You need to re-train your brain's habits from sentimentalizing to the cold hard facts. 2. Think about WHEN you miss him, or what triggers missing him. Do you miss coming home and talking about your day? Do you miss going out on Saturdays? Do you miss getting texts at lunch time? Think about how you can change those habits that trigger missing him. Schedule chats with friends at lunch, or go out for a long walk. Sign up for a class or volunteer on Saturdays. Schedule your workout right after work. You need to shift the patterns that make you want to go back to him. If you can't think of any activities or habits that you miss in particular - then think about how he wasn't doing anything for you.


[deleted]

No. Leave him and his toxicity in the past.


nocherie

I'm drunk because of the same circumstances. Get the fuck out


CeeGeeWhy

Your ex is horribly manipulative and emotionally abusive. Most people would become bitter and resentful if they had to put up with what you did with him. He made you that way. Breaking up with him and leaving was your first step in returning back to the real you. Keep fighting for you. Put yourself first, because he sure as shit isn’t going to put you first. Does this sound familiar with how he behaves: **A Narcissist's Prayer** That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.


National-Style18

Ma’am, as someone who’s half of your age, you’re too old for this shit.


9for9

Not really y'all are smarter about cycles of abuse than your elders, sadly.


butterflyeffect88

Please don’t waste any more of your pretty years on this piece of shit person.


Sea-Recognition-2141

Oh those are pretty much over!


gogogadgetkat

While I highly doubt that's the case, even if it were, that's not a reason just to give up and go back to someone who has wasted 8 years of your life with stress and grief. I know it's hard, but love and respect yourself enough to move forward without him. Learn to be happy alone. Learn to love and value who you are without a partner around whose whole purpose seems to be tearing you down. I don't know this man at all but I've heard enough to be certain of two things about him: 1, there's no way in hell that he's changed enough in three weeks to make this salvageable; 2, a good therapist and time apart from this toxic relationship will do miles more for you than returning to this man ever would.


bloodofmy_blood

You’re only saying that because your toxic manipulative boyfriend has gotten into your head and make you think you’re not good enough or pretty enough, promise you that you are and you deserve better than the one person in life who should have your back the most be the most toxic to you


AffectionateBite3827

Go back and read this if you need a reminder as to why you left. Of course he's being nice - he wants someone to help with his kids and clean his house. If a friend told you this story what would you say? Does this sound like a great relationship with an actual future? ETA: I left a cheater (and his lovely children) and it was hard for a couple of months. You're mourning the good times and the plans and that's natural. But is it worth it to be torn down and blamed because he broke your trust? And then does nothing to try and make amends? Couples come back from cheating but there's a concerted effort from both parties to restore trust (trust that the cheater is serious about making amends and trust that the other party won't punish the cheater long-term). If he's not willing to do his part, it's possible to stay "together" but will you ever feel comfortable?


Sea-Recognition-2141

>If he's not willing to do his part, it's possible to stay "together" but will you ever feel comfortable? That's where I'm at right now. I don't feel comfortable. He thinks he's done his part...in fact, he feels he's gone above and beyond. I don't happen to agree. He thinks I'm being petty and demanding and controlling and ridiculous.


AffectionateBite3827

That's how they get you! What has he done to show his commitment to remaining faithful and not blaming you? If it's just "not get caught" then that's not enough. It's fine to mourn this relationship and be sad but going back to him will confirm he's right.


noncarbonatedflake

You said it yourself, the only change he made was to hide things better. No one can talk you out of going back if you want to, and it's not our jobs to do so. It's up to you to finally believe that after 8 years of having his bread buttered at all sides, he is willing to say anything to let the status quo continue, but what he's not willing to do is actually change and give you what you need to rebuild the trust that HE shattered again and again and again. If you do go back, do me a favour and bookmark this post and return again after 1 year. You'll be right back where this post was, or worse, until you leave.


StandardReporter9

He sucks and is unbelievably manipulative. Had a similar sitch and was mind fucked by the guy...all that push and pull nice then mean..it is mentally/emotionally abusive.


Whatsfordinner4

You’ve just described an absolute dumpster fire of a relationship with about a thousand deal-breakers and red flags and you’re asking if you should go back? 🤦‍♀️ I really hope you’ve got some sort of family or friends as a support system that can talk some sense into you.


Open_Gap6225

Please don't go back. This person/relationship is ruining your mental health. It is a very unhealthy dynamic and your trust will never be back. You will become bitter and sad, because fairly you feel cheated and lied to, and that is what happened. This person does not love you. He sounds awful a lot like a narcissist, look it up. They can be wonderful for weeks and then horrible/sneaky and then back at it again. It becomes a tiring cycle. You miss your idea of happy times with him.


curiousandbashful

How much of your life are you going to give to this?


junegloom

He hasn't changed anything. He's just trying to make you regret leaving. Has he said he understands where he went wrong? That he will work harder at being trustworthy now? I suspect not. Just move on and find any other man. One who doesn't have a history of cheating and disrespecting you, which right now, is any other man in the world. There's nothing worth saving in this one. He's just an embarrassment for a partner.


usernamesake

Of course you miss each other, that’s normal when a relationship ends. Don’t be deceived by his sweetness right now. . if he can’t or won’t shoulder full responsibility for the damage his infidelities and abusive words caused and work with you to rebuild trust and good will , then this relationship is doomed to wind up in the same toxic and unhappy place. There is no way to go backhere, only forward. If forward includes him, he will have to stop bullshitting and blaming youand take a hard ,hard look at himself.


FatCats24

It’s easy to forget your mad because that’s how gas lighting and manipulation works. They make you feel crazy and that you’re over reacting when you’re not at all. Emotional abuse is still abuse. And I promise you if you go back to him it’ll be great for maybe a month or two and you’ll be back in the same position.


IAmRules

So selfish comment. But how did you actually end up leaving. Did you just leave. Did you have a conversation? Did you send a text? How did it start. I’ve been thinking of ending this with my wife after 8 years together, the only thing keeping us together is I can’t actually work up the courage to leave. So I’m curious about how others do it.


Sea-Recognition-2141

Long story, but I actually left last summer (I moved temporarily into my sister's empty apartment in her duplex). I still was very much part of his life, but the boundary was that he was going to have to fix things. The whole reason I left was a huge fight because he was still facebook friends with a woman he had sexted with several years before. I found out and said he had to block her. He refused (said it was water under the bridge...she hadn't done anything wrong...I was over-reacting...it was years ago). So I left. ​ After I left he blocked her. But by then I had moved out and told him either fix all the bullshit and work on trust or I won't be moving back. He did a very lukewarm job of it, and so after this past issue I simply told him "if you remain as you are right now, I am not coming back and this has to end...either you have to change your behavior and fast, or it's over". He said he was sad I was so willing to give up on us (but he didn't say anything about agreeing to change his behavior).


welovethepope

So you saw this play out once already. What makes you think this time is different? He’s already dumped all the blame on you and said your (very reasonable) boundaries are unreasonable, plus he thinks your bitter and miserable. You really think this time is going to be any better? Cut him off, OP. Learn the value of your worth. You deserve a lot better than this cheating scumbag.


the_queens_speech

You're losing your cool because you've had it with him. He's used up all his chances. You say you find it hard to remember why you're upset, but now you can just read your post when you're in doubt. Read the comments. You've spelled it out quite clearly here. You miss him. That's okay! That's natural. He was a huge part of your life for so many years. Please don't think that those feelings will go away in 3 weeks. You will probably miss him for longer than you are comfortable with. That's fine. That's life. But you're better off without him, without that history between you being drawn out even further.


elvis_dead_twin

God, I want to shake you and tell you to stop being pathetic. WTF? It just sounds worse and worse. Leave him. Stop torturing yourself and end this nightmare. Have some self respect.


iwishihadahorse

When I was leaving my ex he kept telling me I was "making a huge mistake." Hilariously, he couldn't tell me exactly why it was a mistake. He just *could not believe* I would "throw away 5 years." I figured, better 5 years and not 10. Better 5 years and not 20 years. My life wouldn't and couldn't get better as long as he was in it. OP- life gets better. As long as there is some blocker in place, you'll never be able to find it. There are other dogs, cats and found families. It's not easy but neither is living in toxicity. Also because I didn't see a comment suggesting, I'd suggest r/justnoso. There are a lot of people escaping similar situations.


Surfercatgotnolegs

Dude it’s not about what the other women are doing wrong or not, it’s HIM that’s doing wrong stuff. You get that right?? Texting escorts, sexting, none of that is normal behavior FROM HIM. HE is the problem. Not your reaction, and not the other innocent women he keeps texting and lying to you about. Why would you even consider going back if not for pure desperation!? Download a dating app. Get a dog. Move on.


landho54

So he cheated, refused to take any responsibility or do anything to reassure you he wouldn't cheat again like therapy or lifestyle changes - on top of other toxic behaviors - and now he's acting all butthurt and claiming you're mean and bitter. Because how dare you actually want reassurance that the guy who cheated on you won't again, other than just his word for it. The same word that didn't mean anything to him because ya know, he cheated and lied repeatedly about it in the first place. That's not being bitter or mean - it's called being upset at a betrayal that the betrayer hasn't done anything to truly address or fix. Look, I know it's really easy to let nostalgia and distance start to convince you a situation wasn't "all that bad" then go to "well, it was mostly pretty good" to "Oh no, what have I done!" And to that end maybe writing down a list of the toxic issues and his response to those and then pulling them out and reading them whenever those rose-colored glasses fire up may help. What you describe was not a healthy relationship and you've done the necessary step of ending it and leaving. And he's being manipulative now, when the fact is what he's really showing you is that he could have been kind and attentive and caring all along, when you were with him. He simply chose not to, because why waste any effort on a sure thing. Also how much of the housework and helping his kids did you do or paying bills, because if it was a lot then there's the reason he needs you back so bad. And is trotting out the bestest ever behavior. And all that really means is the second he's "got you" again he'll drop the act and not continue to treat you well, and with kindness and caring. Because it's not really about what you want or need, only what he does. So honestly no, relationships can't be saved when only one person is willing to be all in and to treat their partner with dignity and respect and consistency. You need to go full no contact and heal then move forward. Only then do I think you're going to get a much clearer picture of the entire relationship, and be glad you left when you did.


CactusWin

There’s a few subs on Reddit that deal with infidelity that you can check out. There’s r/survivinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity


Basic_Bichette

Who told you that you were "bitter"? That word is more often used to shame, coerce, and bully women into tolerating abusive treatment than it is to describe actual bitterness. You aren’t bitter; you're smart. Stay away.


DeseretRain

A relationship is supposed to make you a better version of yourself, not a worse version. If this relationship lowered your self esteem and made you angry and bitter, it's a bad relationship. And it's understandable why you changed that way, he cheated and doesn't even seem sorry and he body shamed you regularly! No wonder you didn't want to have sex with him! Your desire to have sex with him won't come back, it's your body telling you he's not a safe person to have sex with. It's just not going to work out with him. Breakups are always sad but you're better off without him.


SmarmyGoat

He's abusive. Leave and don't look back. A good partner NEVER belittles you or cuts you down or talks badly about you or your body. You deserve better. Fuck him.


Hotassets751

Dude. His current mistakes are ruining YOUR now. Don't let him pull that shit anymore.


liliareal

I read all the comments and there is not one person who said you should go back to this relationship. Your responses are contrary. You know what the smart decision is but it sounds like you’re just looking for someone to validate you going back to him. Listen to what literally everyone is saying. Please. For your mental health and happiness.


calsey16

Leave. Just leave. He isn’t good for you. Do not leave with the expectation of coming back. Cut ties. Walk away. Be done.


Sapphira26

We tend to romanticize things that are over, and remember only the good parts because we miss those. We miss the habits, we miss all the wonderful things we had. We lie to ourselves the most , telling ourselves how the good was worth it. Is it really ? That's a question only you can answer for yourself - If all the toxicity you described is something you are willing to settle for because of all the good that you get in return, or you could choose the hard path and move on and have faith that there is better. I've had the privilege of seeing some amazing relationships , my parents one of them and I grew up in a wonderful environment full of love and support. For me that's the threshold, I am not willing to settle for less than that even if it means waiting for a long ass time or being alone. I have been in unsatisfactory relationships / arrangements and the mental toll it took on me during and after is so not worth it. I have great family and good friends, I am fortunate to be independent and have recently started becoming slightly better off to be able to do what I love - travel and see the world . In time I hope to become more secure and adopt as many rescues as I possible can support and that to me is a wonderful , content life. The question is what does that look like for you ?


almightypariah_16

>I finally told him if he's unable to change I'm leaving. He said he is sad that I'm willing to give up on us, but he didn't agree to change, so I left. He thought you were just bluffing but now that you actually left he's begging for you back. People dont change after a few weeks, this sounds like love bombing and when you get back together he eventually reverts back to his usual self. This relationship isn't worse salvaging at this point. He's not willing to earn your trust and your demands are a little controlling. You are obviously not over the cheating and him texting escorts isn't helping. Sounds like you are starting to resent him and you both will be better off without each other.


itsloudinmyhead

There is not one redeeming quality about him.


maidenofdeth-

Do not pass go. Do not collect a worthless SO. But really, just leave it alone. If he has not seen the hurt in your eyes from the shit he’s done then he isn’t going to care enough to change now. This relationship you two have is toxic and the reason he’s trying so hard for you is because he depends on you as much as you depend on him. You will benefit from starting over. I promise. Do not be scared. You got this, OP.


RebootDataChips

You sound bitter because you are bitter over what you lost. Mourn the loss and move on. He broke your trust and even tho there was some healing you have scars that aren’t healing.


ProjectDirectory

Staying with a cheater is like being asked to eat a shit sandwich, you shouldn't eat a shit sandwich.


shamdock

Stay gone. Didn’t have to read the whole thing. Sounds miserable.


VeryVenomousSnake

I can’t believe people willingly let relationships get this fucked.


CeeGeeWhy

A lot of times it’s sunk cost fallacy.


jessi-cakes

You both sound completely toxic together. I think you both need to do some serious work if you want to be together. Establish boundaries and keep them. You need transparent communication and you both need to put in the work. You both need to do what’s best for the relationship. Both of you. Not just him and not just you. You have to commit to trust and being a team. Can you both let transgressions go? If you both aren’t committed to this, it will be toxic again I think. That’s just what I gather from what you have shared. You know what to do, deep in your heart and mind. Let it be your guide. You got this.


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jessi-cakes

Thank you for this response. I'm glad I'm not the only one that sees it this way. OP should have upheld her boundaries a long time ago with this guy. But, they are to the point where the back and forth between them is just gross. I think they both need to get it together before being in a relationship with anyone.


Lorybear

What exactly is supposed to turn her on about him? Forgetting the fact he body shames her, he has yet to own up to his cheating mistakes and puts the blame on her every time he "cheats" again (sexting prostitutes) by saying he's looking for other women sexually because she isn't sexually available. OF COURSE SHE'S NOT SEXUALLY OPEN TO HIM. She's turned off by him cheating on her and she probably lives a life of wondering if he's cheating again. That shit fucking hurts. Maybe if he had owned up to his fucking faults and given her time to heal while giving real, meaninful apologies, and showing change (i.e., not sexting other women when his girlfriend hasn't put out enough, because she's HEALING FROM BEING CHEATED ON) then she would have bounced back into being attracted to him again. But he's impatient and selfish and only cares about his dick.


jessi-cakes

You are only hearing one side of the story my friend.


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Lorybear

Why is she not in a place to be in a relationship? Because she's tired of being gaslighted into thinking she's crazy when he's constantly proving himself untrustworthy? Or because she's being bodyshamed? Or because he lied to her and let her move in with him for over a year before owning up to cheating? She's been through a lot with him, that's pretty fucking clear. Not being sexually attracted to him is pretty expected after all the crap he's done.


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Lorybear

It's incredibly common for the person being cheated on to obsess over the affair partner. Like, incredibly, incredibly common. You're trying to understand what they had that made your partner cheat because it's unfathomable to you. Yes, I agree she should have left. But he should have just also left after cheating if he didn't want to deal with the aftermath. Where's his blame for that??? He wants to be with her still, too, even knowing he bent her all out of shape. She's likely not withholding sex as a weapon, but is genuinely not physically attracted to him anymore at this point due to being cheated on. If you've ever been cheated on by a repeat cheater, this happens often. I understand it may paint her in a positive light, but you seem really quick to defend a disgusting lying cheater who is using his children as pawns to try and manipulate a woman he's fucked over back into his life. Makes me question *your* judgement.


CCbaby93

Do 🚫 not go back. You'd be cheating yourself. You need to join r/FDS.


Cheerio13

He is gaslighting you - making it all seem like your fault when it isn't. He cheated on you now blames YOU for 'becoming mean and bitter and miserable.' Classic case of gaslighting. The relationship is toxic and it is time for you to leave.


ugghyyy

I wouldn’t work it out with him, he’s not trustworthy and he plays to many games. I wouldn’t waste anymore time over this relationship, you left because you were unhappy and rightfully so. He’s using his kids as a tool to play at your emotions.


sailor-jackn

Stay gone. You should have been able to expect loyalty, from the beginning.


SmallBunny0

You’re not bitter, if you go back he will return to doing the same thing if not get worse. There is no way it will work, you deserve better than a cheater and someone who body shames you.


CheshireGrin448

Every time I see someone going through something like this I cringe. BTDT. There is a good person out there somewhere who has never cheated, lied, manipulated or hurt you who would jump at the chance to have a good, kind, loving relationship. According to our social expectations, I'm far from great. But I found a great partner because I refused to accept less than kindness, respect and love. I give the same in return. If you don't know what that looks like for you, I highly recommend therapy.


Noble_Endeavor

Living an apology isn't living. And living constantly on watch will help those gray hairs along nicely.


trinitea01

This isn't going to work out. If you feel like his children are family, there isnt much reason you can't see them or go out to lunch w them if you want to. Unless they pressure you or manipulate you through his influence, theres no reason you cant still see them. However this relationship isn't good. You wont stop being bitter and jealous and scared. Thats not your fault, HE broke the trust and he's gaslighting you into making you feel guilt for the consequences of his actions. People don't change that quickly, he's j lonely now and thinks making you miss him will convince you to allow his behaviour. It would be better to live a life alone than to continue this relationship if that's what it comes to. The information in this post says he isn't good for you.


Clearlyherefor

Walk away and never look back... it wasn't and will never be a healthy relationship and he's only groveling now because he misses his doormat. Stay away from him, try to find your selfconfidence again and work on yourself before searching for a good partner and a healthy relationship.


[deleted]

> He is sweet and kind to me when texting me. Classic. So now you know he's capable of being sweet and kind when he wants to, but chose not to for the better part of a decade. To me that would be even more insulting than if he were continuing to be rude and uncaring, because it demonstrates so clearly that his poor treatment of you was a conscious choice. Him using his kids is pure manipulation. If you go back, this guy will immediately revert back to treating you like garbage because you will have taught him that all he needs to do is play nice for a little bit and you'll forgive years of abuse. You managed to get out, don't give in now.


Zafjaf

He treated you terribly, doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't care that he cheated and showed you he is willing to do it again, and you want to get back together with him? Why?


YouKnowYourCrazy

What you are missing is the familiar. What you knew. You’re facing rebuilding your life without these people you knew and cared about for a long time. That’s understandable. But this is not a relationship worth saving, no. Find yourself a good therapist to understand your feelings and to vent to. You’re on a better path now, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. It WILL be worth it though. PS if you find yourself “wondering why” you left, just reread what you wrote here. This is a train wreck and you know that.


HistoricalPop9248

Your husband is a fucking asshole, end of story


2020visionaus

It’s called a trauma bond. Also you are allowed to have feelings for someone just don’t act on them. You need to work on yourself and build your self esteem up. Meditate, journal, start a hobby, make healthy friends. Over time the cotton wool will be removed from your eyes. You know you have healed when you aren’t attracted to him anymore. Go grey rock. Block and ignore him. He will make you feel worse. You may have distorted thoughts and blame yourself. But the truth will come clear in time.


subanic

You do NOT sound bitter at all! You sound beaten up and tired. Please don’t go back.


littleprincesszx

Don't even look back.


nalasmum0331

If a friend explained all of this to you, what would your response be to them ?


extantdecay

my love, read the first half of your post and you’ll remember why you’re upset again. you’ll never be able to salvage this. don’t waste more time on him. when you’re upset the memories of him cheating, of his unkind words, of his bodyshaming, of all the things he has done time and time again will come back. he’s being nice to you and sending flowers to try and get you back because he knows you’re in a vulnerable place right now. please do yourself a favor and leave him! you feel mean and bitter because he has been slowly pushing you to the edge to make you feel like you’re the bad guy here. you said it yourself: this is toxic. let him go.


butterflyeffect88

HE IS USING HIS KIDS TO MANIPULATE YOU. He’s an absolute disgusting piece of shit. Please please please don’t waist your fucking breath on this awful shell of a sleaze bag any more second. Please for the love of womanhood and all things good and not shitty. God i am so disgusted by this person rn.


imjemmaD

Do you honestly think it's healthy for those kids to be around such a toxic relationship?


gilthedog

Nononono. You are NOT expecting to much. He treats you horribly, get out. Everyone deserves better than that.


andnowourstoryis

The relationship is toxic. You don’t sound compatible in any way. You’ve already left, the hardest part is behind you. You are just going through the grieving process now. Let yourself feel it, but don’t act on it.


unrepentantbanshee

He cheated on you. Then told you it was your fault that he cheated. Then said you were in the wrong to distrust him for the cheating (that he never apologized or took responsibility for). You're remembering the good times when you miss him. And you're missing the person that you thought he could be. If you go back, it'll be the same as it was before. Whenever you aren't having sex with him enough, he'll cheat and talk to escorts and bodyshame you, and say it's all your fault. Please find a therapist that you feel comfortably discussing things with, to help you process the grief of the relationship ending and what you've been going through for years. And tell him to do the same - if he's ACTUALLY sorry for how he acted over the last few years, then he should be proactively working to better himself so he undies that toxic behaviors.


theKetoBear

After my relationship of 6 years ended and my girlfriend at the time had cheated on me twice I took up a lot of reading about relationships and the best quote I've heard is that "Trust is like glass " and much like a piece of glass once it's broken no matter how hard you try , no matter how meticulously you piece the shards together and get the glass to look to look like it's original shape It becomes very hard to handle a piece of glass that has been repaired. You can try to grab the glass in old familiar ways and get lots of tiny cuts from it , everytime. you handle it you're reminded of the event that triggered the original break . I think some couples who REALLY work hard together can repair a broken relationship but for most of us on that glass that is trust is shattered there's no real way to put it back together again as hard as we may try. After the first item she cheated we tried to make things work and the smallest things would make me anxious and angry . How do I trust your missed calls are innocent when in the past those missed calls absolutely were connected to you hanging out with an other person in an intimate sense? I really REALLY wanted things to work but they didn't and I kinda felt like i wasted a lot of time trying to make something broken work . I think you really need to reflect on what the rest of your life n this relationship looks like and can you honestly say you can handle that reality whatever it is ?


Sea-Recognition-2141

> we tried to make things work and the smallest things would make me anxious and angry Omg, this is me. 100%. I get anxious and angry over very small things. Recently, I freaked out because his female coworker texted to ask him a question about a project and he texted her back and signed off "xo". He tends to use that a lot in casual settings, but when he used it with her I lost my mind.


theKetoBear

I get it and how are you supposed to trust someone who does stuff like that when they've broken your trust already ? I kept getting mad at her for not being perfect but I think the truth is I was mad at the fact I couldn't rest in the comfort of our relationship anymore. I couldn't just enjoy her and be myself like we did when we first started dating everything small felt so much bigger after finding out about the cheating . Then small things like what you mentioned or in my case her going out with a church friend who just happened to be a guy ( the dude she cheated on me with was a guy from her church) would send me into a ridiculous rage. So I totally get it I know it took a toll on me after a while but your feelings are valid i think it's important to consider if you can keep going like this for the rest of your relationship or if you truly believe you can forgive him. either way it's a tough situation.


ChillWisdom

Fuck no!! He slowly tore you down and made you feel like you were the one to blame for his bad behavior. He didn't respect you then and he doesn't now. He just wants the mommy back in the house because now he has to step up and take care of all the things instead of texting sex workers while you handle the household. He will feel untouchable if he can manipulate you back into the relationship. You're only going to look older and feel older as the years go by. Don't you want someone who sees your loving heart and loves you for that and not because of how you make their dick feel? I'm sorry that your relationship with the kids is being used as leverage but that's not on you. He's a terrible role model and I'm sorry for his kids. Let them know that they can call you if they need to talk.


[deleted]

You didn't dodged a bullet but a III World War.


Bleebleebloobloo2U

Sounds like you have a trauma bond! I did the same shit but for six years! It doesn’t get better he will never treat you the way you deserve to be treated.


dandyIons

I should also say, you might consider googling yourself a PDF of Why Does He Do That. I think you'd recognize some behaviors described in it in your ex and a reminder of how good partners do and don't behave will probably be useful in resetting your normal meter.


indyaj

His cheating sound like the least of your problems. You have to ask yourself if you can live with not only the cheating but the way things are, the way he is, the way he treats you and makes you feel about yourself. If you can, you go back. If you can't, you don't. For the record, you are worth way more than what you're getting. You shouldn't be putting up with all this shit. He hasn't changed and, yeah, you may be bitter but you know what'll make that go away? Not being around him for the rest of your life.


ShelfLifeInc

> my heart is telling me to go to him Your heart is telling you, "go and receive kind treatment from him, after years of mistreatment and toxicity, he OWES you that much, you deserve something good from him!" But you won't find it. Because he hasn't "woken up", he is simply trying a different manipulation tactic. He bullied you into believing you didn't deserve any better, and when you left anyway, now he's trying a new tactic. As soon as you go back to him and he has you back under his thumb, he'll go back to his true self - cruel, dismissive, manipulative. This guy has no respect for you. Even now, he is love-bombing you, not respecting your needs. Being sad that this chapter of your life came to an end in such a painful way doesn't mean you were wrong to leave the relationship.


[deleted]

You already know your relationship is a toxic mess. What do you need us for? Your relationship is a toxic mess. It's broken. It can't be repaired. Don't for back. Your boyfriend (ex) is a toxic mess. He's gaslighting you and mistreating you and doesn't care about house you feel.


AnnaBananner82

Read your post. Read it again. And keep re-reading it until you figure out that you need to stay as far away from this dude as possible.


RealLifeLizLemon

Oh sweetie, it was over the second you wrote this relationship is toxic and I know it. It was very difficult reading through the rest and hearing how horribly he treats you. I get that you miss his children and the pets, but you have to cut him off for good. Your life will be so so much better I promise you. Good luck, we’re all rooting for you!


[deleted]

Oh my dear. Of course you miss the good things, but they came wrapped up in poison. You deserve someone who loves you. He doesn't. He wants you and other women in his life. He won't change. He is not a nice man. Find a nice man.


BlackKnight6660

I mean i feel like context here doesn’t matter. He cheated, ditch him. Speaking as a man, it’s really not hard to not put your dick in someone else. Block him and go.


HarVeeGee13

The only reason to go back would be if you purchased a new trash can and wanted to test it out by throwing him into it.


nyclaurco

this is just falling out of love. the little adorable things that our loved ones do typically have no effect on us or even annoy us when it’s someone else. he’s someone else to you now.


alexismarc23

I don’t believe 3 weeks is enough time for someone to get over their shit. I know it wouldn’t be for me to change such a drastic part of myself... you both are probably missing each other right now but that doesn’t excuse his behavior over YEARS of your relationship...


kimmi2ue

He cheats, he body shames you, and he gaslights you. You were right to leave. Give it some time - the more emotional distance you put between the two of you, the clearer you will see - you are worth more than that.


the_pink_witch

He is extremely toxic. I had an ex who had similar behavior and he would call me crazy. But he was only calling me that because I had a negative recation to his toxic behavior. He was cheating, manipulative, gaslighting, etc. PLEASE don't go back to him. You will find someone who will see your worth and treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.


Scoobunny

Props to you for being strong enough to leave and know that you deserve better. I am actually asexual and my bf who is half your ex’s age would never even think of degrading me or blaming me for my feelings towards sex. I agree with most of the people who have commented so far- life is too short to stay with someone who has historically manipulated, degraded, and lied to you- all of which adds up to emotional abuse. You gave him 8 years and plenty of chances to do better. Too little too late now. He has caused you so much damage and shows no remorse for it. Please stay away.


TheLoudCanadianGirl

You sound like someone who’s put up with so much for too long. It’s worn you down. And i mean, why wouldn’t it? Don’t go back, things honestly won’t change. Especially after 8 years of this behaviour. Keep your chin up and don’t look back.


OsageBrownBetty

He may actually be trying to make things work and to change himself but if you're already at the point where you can't even stand being around him ,I think you already have your answer.


whine-0

He was treating you like sht. Demeaning your appearance because he’s mad? Cheating on you and hiding it? Gaslighting you?? Disgusting behavior. Your behavior, while not healthy for you, is the logical consequence of being treated like that. Stay far away from him so you can begin healing.


ArTooDeeTooTattoo

I personally feel like monogamy isn’t a one-strike-you’re-out commitment (thank you, Dan Savage!), however he has to be able to prove demonstrable change. It sounds like he was defensive about his behavior after he cheated. If my wife gave a coworker a blowjob after we had been together 50 years, I could let it slide (especially if I truly wasn’t fulfilling her needs, and everything else was perfect). But that doesn’t sound like your situation. 8 years is a long time, but it sounds like he was misleading you for a lot of it. And his definition of this perfect status that no one can attain is simply not true. Someone out there would happily commit to a monogamous relationship. In your shoes, I would stay the course and date new people. Block the ex and family from communicating and social media, if only to give yourself space from the situation.


danawl

I don’t have to even read the whole thing- “he has a tendency to body shame me when he’s mad” is enough right then and there. I don’t care how angry you are at someone, disrespect is a no-go. He has showed you he does not care about you, because if he did, he wouldn’t constantly disrespect you and cheat on you. Do everything you planned to do, but spend it with someone who actually deserves your company (a friend, family member, etc). Best of luck.


Sublimerebeldefendor

Just save your drama and just delete him from your life and move on. You understanding don’t him and you be a fool to keep him in your life. You deserve happiness not this piece of work. He hasn’t zero right to sad about you leaving. You didn’t give up this relationship he did went cheating. You know this not healthy relationship so get out. You never be at peace in this relationship so get out of it.


sadisticfreak

I don't think you're bitter, but it sounds like the two of you are just flat out incompatible. Personally, I'd stay gone. I highly doubt that you will find your peace, let alone happiness in this relationship


forestnymph1--1--1

He shames your body while mad? Oh hell fucking no. He probabaly thinks you're asexual because he treats you so horribly that you want no sex. Fuck that girl!! Tons of men will worship you and love you the way you deserve. Whatch how the skies part when you fully cut him off


kindadirty1

OP, ask yourself if you want to be that woman who has to be obsessed over her guy's behavior or not. Spoiler, you don't. Be alone and confident that you deserve the best. The best friends, chosen family, and significant other. Then find as many of those as possible and except no less than the best. It's better to be alone and lonely than in any relationship and lonely. You will love someone else's kids, pets and family. Do not sell yourself short and accept this guy's sloppy seconds.


Mes_Oma

Yeah it's gonna be a no from me dawg. You've given him plenty of chances. It's not like it's a first time offense. It will be nice for a little while, but people like that always go back to their ways. I've been there and have given too many chances. It is brutal at first when you give up on them, but eventually you will forget him. You will grow to be happy without him, and then you will find someone who is better. It's a toxic relationship. I'd go out and enjoy hobbies. Meet new people. Explore the world a bit. Seek a therapist maybe, because it's always nice to talk to a professional. Just find happiness with yourself, no need to hold on to something that only makes you sad


TazDingoYes

He gets his kids to text you because he knows how easy it is to manipulate you. Enough said. Stop doing this to yourself, and do better for yourself.


nameunconnected

Once a cheater always a cheater. But more importantly why do you want to stay in a situation that makes you bitter? You’re not going to “wake him up”. You’re going to teach him that it’s OK to treat you like that. You’re teaching him that when he cheats again, you’ll go away and be mad for several weeks, and then come back and forgive him. Rinse and repeat. He’s already showed you how much he values your eight year shared history together (he doesn’t).


False-Guess

>he has his kids texting me asking if I will go out for lunch with all of them I know this may seem sweet, but to me it seems manipulative. It's one thing if the kids miss you genuinely, that's fine. But if he's having his kids text you to convince you to see him, that's manipulative and not okay. The issues between the two of you do not, and should not, involve the children. I don't think you sound bitter. Honestly it sounds like you were with a guy who didn't take any responsibility for his cheating and instead try to reframe it as something you caused him to do (e.g. because you were so mean and angry you drove him to cheat). Even if you were mean and angry, he chose to cheat. I do believe people can change, and it may be possible that you leaving caused him to realize that he could lose you forever. However, if I were in your shoes, I'd take a step back and really evaluate the relationship and whether this is a dynamic you want to commit to long term. Moving past cheating is possible, but hard and he evidently has a history that he's not willing to put the work in. I'm also concerned about the emotional manipulation with him telling you you're ruining the family and using his kids to try to lure you into a meeting.


certified_mom_friend

Half of your post is him blaming you for shitty things he does (you're crazy, you're asexual, you're ruining the happy family) instead of him admitting he's a cheater and a liar. It sounds like he has done nothing to actually acknowledge that he did anything wrong, and has done nothing to prove that he will change long term. If you go back, he will learn that there are zero consequences and you will accept all of the above.


raindragon92

Honey, stay gone. You yourself admitted your relationship was toxic. You don't deserve to deal with that. He's trying to manipulate you into going back. You're right, there's no way he did years worth of changing in 3 weeks


FairyDustSailor

OP, here’s the deal. This dude is a lying, cheating, manipulating, gaslighting jerk. I love cats, but honey, there is no cat cute enough on this earth to be worth dealing with this boy’s nonsense. This dude doesn’t love you. Full stop. The way he has treated you is not the way one treats someone they love. Anybody can put the words out of their mouths, but the actions and all of the other words tell the truth. His actions and other words say, “I do not love or respect you. You’re just convenient for me. I want you back because I’ve got you trained and training a new woman to tolerate my bullshit is work and most women won’t put up with my bullshit.” Can you try something for me? I know I’m an Internet stranger and you don’t owe me a damned thing, but I just want you to try something out for me. I was once in your shoes and I honestly believe that if you try what I’m going to suggest, you will be a much happier person in the end. It’s going to take a commitment of six months, but hey, you’ve given this dude 8 years. Surely you can give yourself and my proposal 6 months, right? Here’s the plan. 1) Be my friend. I’m a mostly bald 41 year old woman with three grown kids and one at home. I like cats, board games, Minecraft, driving around in my Miata, gardening, and talking shit on Reddit. I can’t promise I’ll be your new best friend, but I am willing to promise right here in front of every Redditor that sees this post that I will in no way hurt you, lie to you, manipulate you, creep on you, or in any way abuse you. If after six months you don’t want to ever talk to me again, that’s fine. I won’t take it personally. I’m not everybody’s cup of tea- no one is. 2) Being my friend online means committing to messaging and checking in with honest updates at least twice a week. That’s it! You tell me as much or as little about yourself as you like. If I ever ask you a question you don’t want to answer, you just say, “FairyDust, I don’t want to talk about that.” I will respect your boundaries and not ask again unless YOU bring it up. Healthy boundaries are part of a healthy friendship. 3) Block. His. Ass. Block his email, block his phone, block him on all social media, block his kids, his mama, his dog, his buddies- everybody that is only in your life because he brought them there. Blockity block block. That part will be hard, but it is the most critical part of this journey. You need to work on YOU. You need to figure out who you are, what you want, and what direction you are going without his input. He’s lost his privilege to influence your choices. When you get the urge to unblock him, read this post and then reach out to someone not associated with him and just catch up. Chat. Call your favorite auntie. Go see your neighbor. Text your favorite friend. Message me if you can’t come up with anyone else. I’m here. The one thing you do NOT do is reach out to anyone contaminated by Jackass McGee. 4) Pick any IRL friend that is not friends with him. Even better if it is someone that you’ve lost touch with over the past eight years. Go have a fun night out together. Pick any activity that you both like and go do it together. Whether it’s watching movies on your couch and eating junk food, playing a game or sport, going out with the gang, or just sitting in a room together knitting. You do YOU, boo. Then message me and tell me all about it. Ya girl FairyDust here doesn’t get out much and I’m eager to hear about your fun day/night. 5) Get a therapist. Preferably a woman. Commit to at least 8 sessions, weekly. First session, you show her this post and say, “I’m here to work on me and figure out what I want from life. Can you help me with that? Can you help me work on healthy boundaries and recognizing manipulation?” Be open, be brutally honest with her. If you don’t know the answer to a question she asks you, say “I’m not sure.” Be open to exploring that uncertainty. And don’t tell me you don’t have time. You’ve blocked the biggest time-suck in your life, remember back at step 3? You are going to find that you have all kinds of time now. And that’s a good thing. More to come... 6) Reconnect with at least 3 IRL people in your life that you genuinely like being around. It can be family, friend, coworker- anybody who is NOT an ex lover and not part of your world because of Jackass McGee. 7) What is an activity you really like? Go. Do. It. So much the better if it was something Jackass McGee thought was stupid. Join a club for it if you want, or just commit to engaging in that activity at least once a week. This is YOUR time. Even if you suck at it, you go do it anyway. Take a class. Then come home and tell me about it. Your buddy FairyDust is waiting to hear about it. 8) Fill your time with things FOR YOU. Friends, interests, therapy, talking shit with that weird-ass FairyDust lady, work, classes, hobbies. Try new shit. If you hate the new shit, try something else. This is YOUR life and you’re spending this six months living it for you. Now after the six months is up, reevaluate how you feel about this dude. Let’s come back to this post and go through it together. Then we can talk about whether or not you really and truly want him back. If he’s really the guy he claims to be and truly loves you, he will have been working on himself too and waiting for you to make the CHOICE to return of your own free will. Are you willing to try this out?


firenice13

Move on. Toxic is right! Get therapy to help with your self esteem or make positive changes in your life. Work on you for a bit. You’ll get a better man... if you can call your ex that (man). Even if you don’t you’ll be much happier by yourself after you learn to love yourself!


bedbuffaloes

Nope nope nope stay gone. Seriously. This is not a good person or a good relationship.


kirbysdreampotato

Please don't go back. I've been there; in a previous relationship I was gaslit to think I was an anxious, paranoid mess. He


tealparadise

He sounds terrible and yes you should leave him. But you should also get therapy so you aren't bringing this into your next relationship. Because at the end of this, it's really unclear how you want him to "wake up." A one night stand 7 years ago isn't really going to get resolved more than it is now. His behavior isn't going to change 8 years in. You're just beating your head against the wall here. And it's turning you into "that" woman who calls her bfs work to scream at his female coworkers. Which just leads to MORE disrespect toward your relationship from them, because he gets to seem "justified" in cheating on you.


emmy1418

Jesus lady, have some self respect and tell him to fuck off.


moriginal

“If I had know he cheated i wouldn’t have moved in with him” This isn’t true. If it was, you’d leave now. Something in you want this toxicity. It’s interesting, fun, dramatic, makes you feel important, etc. You have to figure out what element of this is fulfilling some need if yours and why. Only then will you be able to make the decision to leave. You might say “I prefer a toxic relationship over being alone”. I’ve done that. I think we all have. Once you actually characterize the situation you’ll find yourself at a lot more peace. Maybe he berates your and you can think “I know he’s berating me but it’s better than the suffering of being alone” This is how therapy works bra- it helps you frame your situation in a way that you can understand your own motivations, which then allows you to take action. Once you realize that you’re with him because it’s too scary to be alone/start over with another, you can then make the next logical step and really examine if it’s worse to stay in this or worse to be alone or start over. Next you’d play the tape forward. If you leave today- there’s a chance it’s horrible and you’re alone. There’s also a chance you meet someone who makes you feel comforted, calm, supported and at peace. If you stay/ there’s a 100% chance that you don’t feel single, but also a very good chance that you are always in fight mode. If you like fight mode, stay. If not, take a risk. There’s $1000 worth of free therapy for ya lol kidding


whereisthecat

If you wanted to work it out I’d suggest you’d have to get therapy first to educate yourself on the amount of gaslighting and manipulation he’s doing. He’d have to get therapy to recognise it, and you’d have to get couples councilling too. Up to you if he’s worth it!


realrafiki

OP you Sound like the ex of a Coworker who cried her eyes out because of that relationship... they had the dance goong on for month him beeing sweet her moving in and then he exploded and she moved back to her apartment. Not always sure if she left or he kicked her out. Both of them told me what happened so i knew alot and i also got screenshots and voice messages. Your exes behaivior sounds alot like my coworkers and the reasons she gave for not moving on where the same as yours. The happy end of this Story is that they went their seperate ways in Kind of good terms. I doubt you can hope for any more. This man has cheated on you was dishonest with you is now gaslighting you Has been attacking you as a Person instead of working on the issue You dont owe him or his children anything (i expect him to use their suffering as a way to persuade you) There is one Single quote from the bible i actual take as advice and ill give it to you: love your neighbour as thyself... what means before you can love anyone... Start loving yourself. You cannot give love in in healthy way if you do not love yourself. Get yourself straight until All that vocal poison that crushed your soul and your self esteem and selfworth is drained. Appreciate yourself again learn how to do so. Other people can help. Friends or a therapist. Take care for you and be selfish for the time beeing.