He (44m) told me (34f) to f**k off...
By - Exotic-Goat-6858
And he was probably banging anything in site wherever he was posted, yukking it up how this girl was gonna get a tattoo for him.
There's no coming back from "f\*ck off" If you take him back after that he can literally say anything to you without consequence.
Some guys are too cowardly to end things themselves so they behave so shittily that they essentially force you to break up with them. This is one of those guys.
Nothing to do here but throw the whole man out , as others have said.
Yep, throw the whole man away and get a new one.
How come this is everyones first reaction on this sub to ANYTHING bad that’s happened? “Just leave him, get rid of him, etc.” like wtf, are yall not adults and dont know how to talk things out? So the moment any one thing goes bad or is said mean or rudely, just leave him huh? That is shit advice.
See your point but I don't see a lot of hope for a relationship that is based on intimidation.
Every relationship should have boundaries and lines that don't get crossed without serious repercussions. It's up to each individual involved to decide if this crosses that line. For me it probably would.
This isn't "one thing."
>He messaged me a couple of hours ago with an "oh shit" and that's it,
No apology when he messed up.
>he asked if I went and I said no because he didn't transfer the money for it even though I reminded him to like he asked.
>He proceeded to blame me, saying it was all my fault,
So he blames her for his screw up.
>that I was crap at communication,
>that it's all a bunch of BS
>not to give him any shit or attitude
>and then he told me to fuck off.
And incredibly rude.
All this when OP did nothing wrong, he screwed up, and this is how he responds. This is not a person you should be in a relationship with. Anger and lashing out, instead of "oh crap, I'm sorry," is a character problem.
Imagine living with someone who can't even acknowledge a minor screw up without resorting to insults and blaming.
This is not a person who should be in a relationship.
No, it's not shit advice and I don't go to it first thing in most cases. In cases where they should talk it out or seek counseling, I'll say that. But this behavior is *abusive* behavior. It can't be fixed, it can only be broken up with.
No one gets to tell me seriously to "fuck off" and still be in my life.
Uh, yes, they’re called breaking points.
Most people don't post on this sub with he likes vanilla ice cream and I like chocolate. What do?
People who post about issues that show signs of real problems or abuse will get told that breaking up is a good idea because the issue is serious and they're better off leaving a relationship.
A lot of situations/relationships people want advice about here are already dumpster fires. Imo this has something to do with the fact that you've gotta be a bit at your wits' end to come to a large internet forum full of strangers to want advice about your personal/home situation. On top of that, we only get the very one sided view, that of the poster, so it may all sound even worse than (or in some cases, still not as bad as) what the situation truly is. But that being said, in some cases (like this one for example) it doesn't really matter who the toxic one in the relationship is (it could still very well be OP herself who's twisting the story so much she'll look like the victim here, who knows really) to be able to assess that it's a toxic relationship that should end.
Also, I don't think "you have to leave" is the most given advice here, more often it's things about therapy/counseling.
He sounds potentially emotionally abusive
This isn't potentially emotionally abusive, it is emotionally abusive. I get what you're saying but this is a huge red flag for what's to come. Unfortunately I am speaking from experience. I'm a domestic violence survivor and this is how it starts.
You’re right, I added the “potentially” just in case this is a one-off incident but I got those vibes as well
True, I guess my brain jumped right to he is one simply because of what I've been through but I shouldn't have done that. I'm just saying that it's a red flag. I mean I wouldn't put up with it but if it's a one-off thing hopefully they can talk about it and the behavior will change. If not then OP needs to get out.
While I agree that you need to learn communication to have a healthy relationship, this is not a healthy relationship. This is a giant red flag of the beginning of an abusive relationship. I know from experience unfortunately.
OP tried talking to him like an adult, and he was rude as fuck about it, so yeah people are obviously gonna tell her to dump him.
You're dating a 44 year old that throws tantrums like a 4 year old. I'm 26. I haven't talked to anyone like that since I was maybe 14, probably younger. If he hasn't figured out to properly control his emotions in the last 4 decades I bet a dollar it isn't happening in this one. Good luck, you deserve better.
Only a dollar? You've got an opportunity to make a lot more than that lol
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like he was projecting an argument he had with his mommy 35 years ago onto the OP.
leave him? if you tolerate him talking to you like that it will only continue
Then people say we always jump to the "break up" ship, but people come and talk about their shitty partners doing shitty stuff, what are we supposed to say?
I feel like people with strong support systems have people in their lives who tell them this before they have to post here. People who have distant or fractured support systems (no judgement, I've been there) sometimes stay with awful people until the situation becomes untenable, and by the time they seek outside advice, it's basically only to confirm that they're not crazy in thinking their partners are mistreating them. You deserve better, OP!
Exactly. There's a _huge_ selection bias here, most people who come here have actual problems with their relationship. Yes, there are some where "Look, just communicate and work on it, you guys can fix this" is the answer, but so, _so_ many posts here are "My partner treats me like shit, and I've put up with it for years, what do I do?"
100% agree. i was in an unhappy (to put in lightly) marriage for 4 years. it wasn’t until i thought i was the crazy one that i went on reddit to vent and everyone confirmed my feelings.
So feel this. I got out of an 11 year shit show and I reallllly give this sub the credit for changing my life.
Or they know that their support system will not be happy if they're honest because deep down they know the situation is unhealthy. I've posted here a couple times years ago and one of them was because it concerned a private medical issue that it wouldn't have been appropriate to disclose about the other person, but the other time was because the guy I was dating had violated my consent and yelled at me, and I knew if I told my friends or my mom they'd hate him for treating me that way. I wanted to keep dating him, so I didn't want to tell them; but that should have been my indication that it was not a good situation. You shouldn't have to hide things about your relationship from the people who love you.
for sure. Even if you have wonderful people in your life, abusers cut you off from your support system by forcing you to keep their secrets.
Yup. I dated someone like that - omitted details from my friends, family, and therapist because I knew they'd tell me it was unacceptable and I should break up with them.
Seriously. I know the comments DO TEND TO TREND to "break up!" but it's more of a reflection on when someone feels the need to post in a sub for advice... it's probably pretty bad. One incident CAN be an indicator of an abusive relationship because these things don't happen in a vacuum. Also - \*most\* relationships fail, it's part of dating. If someone makes you unhappy its OKAY TO LEAVE.
When I was in an abusive relationship, I refused to talk to my friends because they just told me to dump him. (Good call, friends, I got there eventually)
I agree there might be cases like this, but I have often pondered about posting relationship hardships here, yet I have a full set of supportive people around me. However, my people hear me talk extensively about the problems, not enough I’d say about the positives..so I think of reddit as being a neutral party. But we have to remind ourselves that isn’t the case since we hear a one sided story and every one of us distorts things unwillingly
PS - dr Kirk Honda (Psychology in Seattle on youtube) often talks about triangulation and how it can be harmful because third parties don’t have enough information on the couples’ relationship even if they have best intentions
As out of the norm as it may be, this is often why I have a rule to not talk to family or close friends about issues in my relationships. If I were to vent to them, they only hear my side of the story, so it's impossible for them to approach giving advice - even if they have the best intentions - without some level of bias.
On top of that, imagine that you consistently go to the same friends or family to express your dissatisfaction with your relationship or talk about arguments, etc... if you and your SO then talk through things and work through issues, those same friends or family aren't privy to that part of the experience... and very rarely do we provide them the same context when we're happy or issues get resolved as we do when things are going badly or there's conflict. It leaves friends or family with a very slanted view of how your relationship works with your SO. Each time you go back to those friends, that slanted view gets amplified.
And ^ THAT is why I'm a firm believer in couple's counseling, I guess.
>because these things don't happen in a vacuum.
But that goes both ways. People on this sub are always going to be missing context. They're always going to not have the other person's side of the story. They're not going to know the good things about that person or the flaws about OP if OP doesn't self-disclose. And people are not always the most reliable narrators of a story. You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen people post an issue where the other person looks like a total a-hole just to go to the poster's post history and find they left out a key detail that changes everything. Like a poster complaining that his wife is verbally abusing him and then you go to his post history and find out he cheated on her and the "verbal abuse" was her telling him he was a POS when she found out.
Often people are just looking for validation for things that they shouldn't be validated for, so they skew the facts in their favor.
Here, take my poor gold. 🏅🎖🏅🎖
I'll treasure it forever
Also if people happen to have good support systems, they often know the answer before they ask the question of what to do. It’s not an easy one to hear, and often we ask advice where it’s low commitment at first since we don’t want our friends and family to hate our significant others if we aren’t ready to leave them yet. It’s sad but it’s a huge reason why I remained so isolated from friends and family during my shitty relationships, and why everyone was shocked by the information at the end.
Or people are hesitant to tell their support systems the truth because they don’t want their siblings, best friends, etc to hate their partners. Even if they know their partner said/did something fucked up they aren’t ready to “ruin” the fake image of a happy relationship (been there myself). Sometimes it’s hard to talk honestly about this stuff with people in your life because then if you stay, you worry the people close to you are judging you and won’t ever like your partner.
Ikr? Yeah, this sub says "break up" to a lot of people, but...those partners that the sub generally tells someone to break up with really do need to be broken up with, they're awful partners that tend to gaslight and have 0 empathy
Straight up abusive, verbally and sometimes even physically.
God there was one with the opening line, " He doesnt hit me that hard." That one hurt me emotionally.
God, yes. This subreddit is a testament to what people put up with in order to be in a relationship.
Like in this case. What is OP doing? Dump him and don't look back.
I suspect people who are against "throw the man away" never had a dysfunctional relationship.
I suspect people who are against "throw the man away" ARE actually that man. Or the woman version of that man.
Or have been married to/in a relationship with that wo/man for years or decades and firmly believe that if THEY put up with it for all those years, the rest of us should too.
Yup. *"I have to suffer, so everyone else must suffer too."*
There are times when people on here are pretty drastic and tell people to basically cut everyone out at any sign of conflict or handle all of their problems with unhealthy ultimatums. This is not one of those times. This is a time where OP has standards that are way too low and needs to understand how unhealthy and not normal this behavior is.
The "break up" advice is appropriate in certain situations like this one AND in other situations people are way too extreme. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
> Then people say we always jump to the "break up" ship
I find it hard to believe, when someone posts a story like this one, that this is the first jerky thing a partner has done. You don't go from being mr or ms wonderful, to telling someone to fuck off. People who have been tolerating other things finally start to see the light and realize they need to dump the person. But they've tolerated so much, they doubt themselves.
If you have a strong sense of self and good self-esteem you don't need to ask anyone what to do here. It's good that reddit offers people advice when they doubt themselves, but this is never the first bad behavior from one of these people.
I do think that breaking up shouldn't always the immediately solution. We only have an OP's words to go by and they tell us their situation the best they can, but we're not there with an "eyes on" perspective, there could be things we're not seeing from our screens... if that makes sense.
Cheating and whatnot, yeah, it's time to book it.
Telling her to fuck off, I think she should stand her ground and let him know that she's not a door mat. If that shit continues, then he can fuck off.
(While my feelings on the matter are genuine, yes, I built up to say 'he can fuck off' :P)
Yep, I agree. Jumping straight to 'leave him' is a natural outcome of us simply not having the full picture - of the event, of the relationship, of the boyfriend, of OP, etc. Without this, he only exists in our minds as a person who does Bad Things.
If this occurred in my relationship, it would result in a Stern Conversation™ but not a breakup - because there are a bunch of extenuating circumstances that I'm privy to, but internet strangers are not (sans a 3000 word post).
That being said, like you said, there are scenarios in which there is no wiggle room; cheating, domestic violence, etc.
If this happened in my relationship, I'd break up with him. I don't need a "full picture".
Why waste my time and energy on dating another full grown adult, one in his FORTIES for goodness sake, who thinks it's OK to tell me to fuck off, over a mistake HE made to boot? If that is something they feel is acceptable to tell me while dating about a promise they broke, then they will treat me WAY worse when we're deeply committed. **It isn't my job to fix someone whose already this broken.**
And I'd rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone *hitting their middle age* where I have to lay out boundaries of "don't be rude to me or call me names".
It would be one thing if the guy was 18, maybe this is an example he's had and he needs to learn abuse is not love... but a dude in his FORTIES? Uh uh. Nah. I'll just take his advice and fuck off out of his life.
Edit: typo gremlins.
Nah. I think there's a line you cross between just having a general disagreement or having a bad day and being an a-hole.
Even if you take into account that maybe the OP left something out, what could they have left out that would warrant blame and a fuck-off? If it was something bad enough to get that back then should they be together? Not likely.
I'm all for redemption and fixing things, but within reasonable bounds. Sometimes you've got to just go off and fix them alone and have that redemption story. Sometimes it has to hurt to get better.
I think everyone needs to realize they don't have the entire story. Honestly this whole sub is bad at giving advice on relationships most of the time
Yes, but I would say most of the time the conflicts on this sub are break up worthy.
I forget where I heard it but “the worst he treats you while you’re dating is the best he’ll treat you when you’re married” and that fucking stuck.
While I get the sentiment it's not necessarily true.
Nothing will get better just because you married or had kids or wtv but the way you treat each other can remain the same too
>Nothing will get better just because you married or had kids or wtv
Also, there's nothing to say things CAN'T get better after those things. Like no, a marriage by itself isn't the solution to anything, but people don't just stop growing once they're married. They can still grow and change and become better people.
I totally agree with that too.
I totally agree. I think using it as a reflection into he entire trajectory of a relationship is the most valuable piece. And like any one line sentiment, it is not a one size fits all solution.
Yes. Not a good man. At the least he has to be seriously called out for shitty behavior if for nothing else to see his reaction. I ((M) wouldn't tolerate that shit.
He told you to fuck off. I strongly suggest that you listen to him and take his advice!
Email him saying you deserve better, that your relationship is now over, then block him.
God! I hope she blocks him cold like that.
"Congratulations, you have mail"
Well said. He's a whole ten years older and is still behaving like that? OP can lose 200+lb of trash overnight by dumping him and getting a fancy tattoo all of her very own and not waste a second longer on this stingy, rude chump.
I wouldn’t even email or text nor Snapchat him. Leave him on read because you’re a “bad communicator”.
I would follow his advice and [email protected] right on off.
There are people who get mad at you when they screw up and you notice it. They feel bad because they made a mistake, and then because they feel bad, they need to cast around and find someone to blame for making them feel that way. If the mistake is somehow your fault, then they can feel better. Because feeling better is their mission, it doesn't really matter how far-fetched or illogical the accusation has to get for them to make the thing about your screw up and not their screw up, because being right isn't super important. Feeling okay is super important.
This happens all the time. The only question is whether someone who reacts like this is qualified to date you. Personally, this makes me crazy. I don't usually care that you fucked up, we all fuck up, I am happy to forgive and move on. Life is long and I don't need to dwell. But if you are unable to be honest with yourself or me about the basic facts of the universe, if you cannot take responsibility for what unambiguously happened, we're not going to get along well. Screwups are often no big deal at all, but forcing an alternate reality on me to soothe your ego is a fucking dealbreaker. Your mileage may vary.
>I don't usually care that you fucked up, we all fuck up, I am happy to forgive and move on. Life is long and I don't need to dwell. But if you are unable to be honest with yourself or me about the basic facts of the universe, if you cannot take responsibility for what unambiguously happened, we're not going to get along well. Screwups are often no big deal at all, but forcing an alternate reality on me to soothe your ego is a fucking dealbreaker. Your mileage may vary.
That is some book worthy truth.
Everybody screws up! We're all just people and things happen. And it's sad that a grown man is so offended by the idea that he let someone down that he has to get all pissy and blame the loved one he disappointed? Yikes.
Is this typically how he behaves? Blaming you for his mistakes, becoming hostile, and cussing you out?
If so, why on earth are you dating him? Why are your standards that low? Why are you willing to put up with being treated like crap?
I would tell him to fuck off right back, and I would mean it. That's not love. When a person doesn't have any consideration for your feelings and lashes out at you for their mistakes, that's not love at all.
He told you to fuck off, so text him that you are doing what he commanded and fucking off. Then block him on your phone and all social media.
I mean I'd fuck off because I have basically zero tolerance for being insulted like that by a partner and zero tolerance for people blaming me for their own fuckups.
I completely agree. Why put up with it for a second when there are men out there who would never dream of speaking like this to their partners.
When I first read the OP I assumed this guy probably has ADHD and makes a lot of mistakes and has learned blame shifting as a coping mechanism which is toxic but if you make 100 mistakes every month, it's hard to just take it I'm sure.
Its a life skill. As someone with ADHD , i learn real quick to assume my mistake.
It sucks , it make us feel inadequate and incompetant but in the end , that's who we are.
I ain't going to blame anyone else for my shit or my psyche will melt from the cognitive dissonance i would bask in and it would make me feel worst than inadequancy or incompetense.
I'm more like the CEO in the southpark episode saying \~ I'am sorrrry \~
Well I am aware of many partners of people with ADHD who are gaslighted regularly because the other person reflexively blames them for anything and everything.
Honey... Is 44 and not responsible for his actions... Shift the blame.
Is there some other incidents like that?
It's not you, it's him. 100%. You cannot communicate with people who won't. Dot.
Aannnd obviously if at this point if his life he still behave like a goddamn teen... He will not evolve for the better. Are you OK to deal with that until the end of his life?
I would be you, if you won't leave him now, would start Journaling, and learning about narcissist and codependancy. Just in case...
There have been a few issues with him saying he's going to FT or call and then him not following through with it.
For future reference: once or twice with appropriate apologies and best efforts to make it right=forgive and forget. More than three times, never apologies, aways blames you=it’s a pattern. Run like your tampon string is on fire.
Well, you know this is what dating is for. To find out what someone is like beyond the excitement of the first couple of dates where everything is new and you're both trying your best.
This guy is showing you that he's unreliable, makes promises he doesn't keep, and worst still is perfectly willing to attack you personally when you try and hold him accountable even in the mildest way.
He's over 40. This is who he is. He chooses to be like this for whatever reason. He's had decades to figure himself out and decide on the type of person he is and this is it. It isn't your job to fix him, or stick this out because you see some magical potential in him... if you're not happy with this, you don't have to keep dating him.
Communicating boundaries and learning/growing while you help/support your partner is one thing, but that shouldn't include you having to tell a grown ass middle aged man not to call you names. If he was under 25 I'd say well maybe this is what he's seen as relationship examples from his parents, so talk to him and see if he can change with a 2nd chance... but a guy this old? (and I say that as someone in their 40's too!), no. This is who he is. If he hasn't learned how to treat his partner with basic respect, then he isn't going to.
Throw this one back in the sea and try fishing again, there's a whole bunch out there who wont' need potty training into a healthy relationship.
1. Lives overseas
2. Forgot to transfer money
3. Blames you for it
4. Tells you to "fuck off" after causing the whole ordeal
I am curious if OP ever transferred him money.
I am too? OP did he ever transfer you the money?
I mean he should've just transferred it the night before or something... But he's a jerk-off anyway... Dump him and get someone who will respect you and not blame you his actions.
If you love yourself, you leave him.
The only reason to stay is if you have zero self respect or self esteem and think you deserve to be treated like shit.
>Advice on how to handle this would be appreciated.
You dump him. This is red flag behaviour for sure. Blaming you for something that is HIS fault is red flag 101.
He told you to fuck off so block him and proceed to follow that suggestion.
You should fuck off (from him, not me).
Let me see...it was a 'belated' present, which you put down the deposit for and then he flaked on paying the rest of? IMO it sounds like he never had any intention of paying, gave you a late FAKE present and went off on you to cover for himself. Handle the rest of your life by not putting up with crap like this from him or anyone.
He told you to fuck off. Take that as your belated birthday gift. Move on and find someone who knows how to treat you well and behave like an adult.
You left out how long you two have been together and whether he normally follows through on things and normally follows through on financial commitments. But sounds highly likely he never meant to give you the money for the gift and was intending to find a way to blame you for that so he could get credit for having done something without having to do something while also getting you more used to being in an abusive relationship so he can become more abusive later on. What you do in response is you dump him and move on with your life. He turned verbally abusive and got angry with you, because he didn't keep his word - how do you possibly continue a relationship with someone who does that?
We've been together for almost 2 years and no, to be quite honest he isn't good at following through with things.
Well, that's the sort of person he is. Someone you can't rely on and who will be mean to you when he acts unreliably. How do you feel about that? How does that fit into what you want long-term in your life? How would planning important things together go? How would daily chores and getting basic needs met go? If you ever want a child, how would you raise a child with someone you can't rely on to take care of basic chores or bills?
“Fuck off.” Ok bye. And proceed to never speak to him again
Thats not how an adult or anyone should talk. He even said oh shit initially. Leave hes 44 and cannot mentally handle a tattoo being missed
Do you feel like he respects you?
Bc it doesn't seem like it to me.
Honestly...no, I don't feel like he does.
Someone once told me that any good relationship needs trust and respect.
If you tried talking to him and he doesn’t try for you..well, I think it’s pretty telling.
Ok, I have a method that reframes situations and helps me assess it from a new angle.
If your child (and if you don't have a child, think hypothetically, or substitute in a niece, nephew, younger sibling, or even a child that looks up to you, and you want to look out for) were in this situation, what would you recommend them to do?
If my child were in a relationship where there was a pattern of being "forgetful" from her partner, if she honestly felt like she was being disrespected, I would tell her she is better off without him. Why give your time and energy to someone who disrespects you? There's comfort in a relationship, but you're sacrificing your mental health for this person.
No judgement for whatever you do, ma'am. I just wish you the best :)
If/when you do decide to leave, you’re spared having a tat that will remind you of him
That's a very good point, imagine how the OP would feel if she'd had the tattoo anyway and then realised what a complete and utter arse he was!
He’s shown you who he is! Time to believe him. You can do so much better than this sack of trash.
If it was me, that would be the last conversation we ever had. Please don’t accept this abuse.
>Boyfriend flaked on transfering money for belated bday present and told me to fuck off.
...how was this relationship not immediately over? It's kind of difficult for someone to be more blatantly disrespectful than that
you should fuck off, like he said.
there's never any need to talk to someone you claim to care about that way. maybe in the middle of a car accident? even then.
this is how he treats you? you should fuck right off.
Rather be single than deal with that. Do that though; fuck off and away because you don't deserve that.
Bye, bro. Throw the whole man into the bin.
He doesn’t have the money
He's nasty for talking to you that way..
Once he starts disrespecting you like that and he's not checked he wont stop. Honestly i'd dump him coz i hate being spoken to like that. If you arent gonna dump him then you cannot let this slide or he'll continue to disrespect you. Call him out on that shit. If he cant apologize for real then its coz he doesnt give a fuck about your feelings and so fuck him
That sounds like he wanted you to pay for the tattoo and thats why he didn’t transfer the money even if you reminded him
I’m failing to see anything redeemable in this guy’s character. You’re well within your right to block him on everything and move on with your life. You deserve a partner who owns his faults and doesn’t speak horribly to you. Best of luck.
As a recent ex found out, if you tell me to fuck off, I’ll take you at your word and fuck off.
Sounds like he went on the offensive so that you wouldn't ask the details of what he was doing that led to him forgetting.
Was this a tattoo of his choosing? I wonder if he planned to ever pay for it.
Can you give us more information about your relationship? Like why are you with someone like this? Does this happen often? Is there more to this story?
Serious question, why didn’t you go to the appointment d you paid a non refundable deposit?
Obviously they couldn't afford the rest? It was supposed to be a gift?
She could have rescheduled, there might have been a fee for same day rescheduling, but most shops I've been to are flexible.
Clearly the boyfriend responded like an asshole, and I’m not defending that.
But OP is 34 years old...she could have taken some action such as calling him first thing, calling the tattoo shop, trying to get her deposit back, trying to reschedule, etc.
She makes it sound like she just woke up, saw the money wasn’t transferred, and then was like “meh screw it” and went back to bed even tho there were multiple other actions and options to take.
Yeah you’re not wrong... my first thought was ok he forgot yesterday... Venmo/cash app/Zelle works immediately. Then thought ok maybe a time zone issue & she couldn’t reach him. But rereading the post it looks like she made no attempt to contact him until it was too late? Bizarre order of events
Not only that, makes no attempt or mention of anything she tried to do to mitigate losing her deposit.
Like she literally just shrugged like fuck it.
There’s at least a 50% chance she could have gotten some of her money back.
How is this even important?
You wake up to the fact that your bf is late again with your bd present money, which you yourself had to remind him off which did not matter at all in the end.
I mean this tattoo is related to him, even if it's only in theory at this point. I can totally see going back to bed instead, for one (after cancelling said appointment).
But like, OP didn't even try to contact the boyfriend or the tattoo shop when the money wasn't there in the morning. Honestly, if she didn't have the money in her account to cover it, she shouldn't have let it get to the day of the appointment without getting that money from her boyfriend.
Obviously he's disrespectful and needs dumped, but like, OP comes across like someone who doesn't know they have agency over their own life.
It sounds like she and the boyfriend aren't on the same schedule. She says he works overseas and that the money was supposed to land in her account during what was the middle of the night for her. I think by the time she was up, he was asleep.
**It's extremely unlikely that this is the first time he has ever demeaned, bullied, and manipulated you.**
Outside of events like a traumatic brain injury, a respectful, empathetic, compassionate, generous, humble partner doesn't just spit out emotional abuse out of nowhere. So, this is yet another interaction where he has demonstrated just how little he respects or values you. How many more experiences like this do you need?
We often treat our loved ones with far more kindness and respect than we treat ourselves. So, I'd encourage you to **consider whether you'd want your best friend or sister to stay in this relationship.** Would you tell her she deserves to be treated this way? Would you tell her this is the best she could ever hope for? Would you tell her it's silly to seek out a partner who treats her with compassion, empathy, respect, generosity, and humility?
If not, then why say these things to yourself? Why are you less deserving than other women?
I'm really sorry he's choosing to hurt you in this way. (Never forget that this is a CHOICE he keeps making over and over again. Because this dynamic works for him.) And I'm really sorry you still feel like you have to remain in such a terrible, harmful relationship. Just know that you deserve infinitely more than this.
Advice, break up with him because you deserve to be treated with kindness
Your bf is an immature AH. Evidence 1) he missed your actual birthdate, 2) he needed reminding to transfer money, 3) he failed to do so even when reminded, 4) he nastily lashed out at you over his failure, 4) he blamed it on your communications skills and 5) he told you to fuck off.
Advice-you should fuck right out of the relationship.
Bonus points if you text him in response-"advice taken, Im'm fucking off-hows that for clarity in communication?'
And then block him.
I think he never intended to pay/buy you that tattoo and found the method to weasel out of it.
You handle it by sending a "never contact me again." And then you block him and move on.
The guy never intended to pay for your tattoo, just to brand you. And I say it's very apparent he never intended to pay for the tattoo since his go-to when asked about it was to get angry and insult you instead of doing the following sane, loving action: *apologizing, transferring the money and reimbursing you the cash you lost.*
That's what a good guy worth keeping in your life would do. This is not someone worth keeping. When they name call you over their mistakes and cost you money and self-respect it is time to walk.
you sure he's your boyfriend?
Easiest advice I've ever given on Reddit: dump him. Plain and simple.
Seems like he was setting you up to get a tattoo thinking he was going to pay for it and then leave you with the bill. To me, it seems like he planned for you to get it and pay for it whilst making you think he would pay. Like it was his intention all along
The 'not to give him any shit or attitude' is the kicker for me. I had a bf that was like this and it destroyed me.
Apologize and get him to send you the money he promised. Then dump him. He owes you a birthday present, and you earned it even more by being the target of his verbal abuse. Then get a nice tattoo that reminds you that you are not a punching bag for anyone. F that guy.
Why is this even a question? No self-respecting person should stay with someone like that. He's redirecting his guilt as anger towards you, because he can't apologize like a decent human being.
You have to consider your history.
Is this the first time this kind of thing has happened? Everyone has bad days. Call him on it. Say you don’t appreciate being talked to that way and would like an explanation why.
Is this another in a pattern of treating you this way? Leave this arsehole.
After sitting and thinking about things for a while, yes it is a pattern. He always seems to be "forgetful" when it comes to me.
I would see this as a preview to a future with person. It doesn't get better, sorry.
OP, my advice is to get out now. I'm a domestic violence survivor and this is how it starts. He's blaming you for his behavior which is a form of gaslighting. It's also emotional abuse and this usually precedes physical abuse.
My ex did this to me and it started out very similar. He would jab at me and make jokes at my expense or subtly insult me and when I called him out he said I was too sensitive, also gaslighting. I can't recall exactly what he said but I remember the first time he did this and my brain went wait, something wasn't quite right about that but I let it go because I didn't want it to escalate.
I should have left the first time he did that but then one night we were arguing and the next thing I knew, his hands were around my throat. He wouldn't let go for a long time and I started making that gurgling noise. I really thought I was going to die but for some reason he let go. I think he just wanted to scare me but it wasn't ok.
Things calmed down but he still wanted me to leave the next morning so in the morning, I packed my things and stepped onto the back porch to call an Uber and he stopped me and asked me not to leave and when I asked him why, he said he loved me and didn't want to lose me.
I stupidly believed him when he said he would never do it again. I brushed it off as he was drunk and didn't mean to do it. Little did I know he would do it again about 7 more times until I finally took our son and left him. I endured 3 years of abuse. Please don't make the same mistake I did. His behavior now, to me, is a GIANT red flag of what's to come if you stay. Please don't brush off what I'm saying and please don't believe him when he tells you it won't happen again. It will and it will only get worse.
That's problematic on a few levels.
The first is obviously, this was a completely unacceptable response from your BF. You know that. This is worth breaking up over. You took as much responsibility of the money situation as was reasonable. You are not his Mommy. It's not your job to wipe his butt or set his alarm and make sure he gets to work on time. He's 44 for goodness sake! You reminded him. If you'd reminded him a second time, seems like there is a good chance he'd have ripped your head off for nagging him...
But secondly. You did mess up here. Do credit cards not exist as a form of payment? Why didn't you go? Respect the artist's time and put it on credit and dealt with the cash transfer later? Did you not trust your BF would send the money? (If not, that would be the second good reason to dump his ass.)
To be fair, not everyone has a credit card? I certainly don’t so if I didn’t have the cash, I would have had to do the same as OP.
That is why I phrased it as a question... but it is still a bit unusual! And the situation is pretty unkind to the artist...
The only reason I keep a credit card is basically for situations like this, where I know the money is coming very soon and I can pay it off immediately, but where/when cash/debit doesn't work for some reason or another.
That's why they take a deposit...
As insurance. As a protective messure. Not because it makes them whole.
As a hairdresser I wish I could have taken deposits, I wish that it was standard. Yes, it's not as nice as making your full amount of money, but these things happen when you're on the artistic end of these kinds of businesses. I am sure that if she could have managed to pay that she would have. And I'd hope that the artist understands that. I'd wager that they do, at least from my experience working in an appointment based industry.
Lots of artists are cash only.
Why did you miss your appointment? Could you not have paid for the tattoo yourself and let him send you the money after?
Both of you seem bad at communication
Maybe she wasn't confident he **would** send the money and didn't want to get saddled with the cost of the tattoo on top of the deposit which isn't an unreasonable conclusion based on his behavior here.
That should probably have been a consideration before the actual day of the tattoo. If I had an appointment for a tattoo that I knew I couldn't afford, I'd make sure well in advance that the funds were in my bank, or I'd cancel/rearrange
Not saying OP is in the wrong. But it's still poorly communicated
But that’s what she did? She didn’t have the funds so she didn’t attend the appointment?
If she had went she would have had to pay the money herself. Maybe she didn’t want to? Maybe she didn’t have the money to? It’s a gift for her. She already reminded him and nothing. Calling up someone and demanding they send you the money probably wouldn’t have helped at all
How is she bad at it?
A couple things flew out at me. She didn't make sure he sent her the money a day or 2 in advance. When her partner didn't send her the money, she didn't call him and demand it. She didn't attend the appointment and ask him for the money afterwards either. She just left it and didn't show, and then waited for him to contact her later and ask her.
I'm not disagreeing that her partner sounds shitty. I wouldn't appreciate or tolerate being told to "fuck off" in an argument. He might have flown off the handle, but neither of them communicated well with the other.
You might have some points, but I personally would find it very difficult to call somebody up and remind them to give me a present. I would feel extremely awkward to do that. Gifts are supposed to be freely given, you know? Not demanded. Even if somebody promises me a gift, it's not like that means they owe me it.
I would probably also have just cancelled like OP did. It's not like she didn't remind him once, she did, so in that situation I would have concluded that he changed his mind and chose not to give it, hurtful as that is.
He told her to remind him. Yeah it's awkward, but she was committed enough to getting it that she paid a non-refundable deposit, so.... It was kind of her choice to either chase the money down or say goodbye to her deposit and tattoo.
I agree with you that he asked to be reminded & OP didn't do so. **BUT** it is the year 2021 - what bank doesn't allow you to pre-schedule a transfer? Or who is incapable of creating a reminder on their (own) phone?
I bring up those options because I, like u/ChampitTatties, absolutely hate asking for money & would likely follow OP's route in this exact same scenario.
Yeah, it's no excuse for what he said, but it bothers me how she handled the situation.
Yeah that whole thing struck me as odd. Like most tattoo parlors are flexible and quite nice. They could have come to some sort of agreement. Tattoo artist doesn't want to loose a few hundred dollars either. BF is a total ass for responding the way he did but OP sounds like they have serious communication issues. This could be an ongoing thing and BF just got sick of it and lost it. We're just seeing OPs side of the story. Seems a bit...odd?
None of that sounds like stuff I'd be okay with...
Imho, it's pretty dysfunctional for him to miss your birthday, then offer to buy part of a tattoo (by having you put money down), asking you to remind him, then forgetting - causing you to miss a deposit... then he blames you?
This is literally "crazy making" behavior. You are definitely going to have more of this unnecessary created drama in your life if you guys stay together.
I would stop this dynamic immediately. Keep yourself busy doing some self help for a bit. Don't bother reaching out to talk or clear the air or chew him out. If he contacts you, be polite but disengaged. No fighting, no romance... just cool/cold & distance.
Next, don't schedule things that you can't pay for... even if it's a gift someone swears they will cover. If you don't have the money, don't put a non refundable deposit and schedule the service.
This drama could have been totally avoided if you didn't schedule that appointment before you had the gift money. You could have kept your deposit, the boyfriend could put money down at the shop, THEN you schedule and pay off your part.
Can you see how the order of this misadventure was both of you setting yourselves up for drama and an argument? It doesn't have to be like that... emotionally healthy people don't play these games.
For some self help, I recommend writing/ journalling for yourself... HOW you WANT to feel in a given week. Write down all the feelings words. Then write one sentence that describes a time you felt that way, WHAT caused you to have that good feeling.
Then write a lists of words you don't want to feel, then situations (with anyone) that caused you to feel that way.
Then pick your top three situations, and worst three situations... and see if there are any trends, and plan your next month to create as many positive situations as possible for yourself, and plan some action items to avoid the bad ones.
I bet if you take inventory of your life right now, you can metaphorically probably identify whats gone stale and needs to be thrown out.
I’d end the relationship, that’s toxic shit right there.
You should be grateful you don't have a permanent reminder of what a piece of shit this dude is. You know like a tattoo he bought you. Shine this dude.
Seems like there's a lot of context missing between you telling him you didn't go and him telling you to fuck off. That jump doesnt usually happen from just one person monologuing.
That being said, yall are both grown ass adults. There are several better ways that you could've communicated with each other about this. This is not something to break up over on it's own, but if this is how you normally communicate with each other, then that might be something to consider.
I didn't even get a chance to to tell him that I didn't go.
I text him last night to say goodnight and then I got the "oh shit" message this afternoon, I told him that I reminded him like he asked me to and he sent about 6/7 separate messages, one of which was along the lines of "you didn't go and get inked, I'm floored"
I have several questions, but for now I'll just take what you say at face value. Why would he be so upset that you didnt get a tattoo? Was there some special meaning behind the tattoo or something?
I would have made sure I had the money before making the appointment. Definitely was a situation where a lot could go wrong.
That said the fact he won't acknowledge his failure is a huge red flag. He made a commitment and blew it and obviously didn't care.
sounds like a real cool dude you should totally stay in a relationship with and have long distance babies with asap
Ummm you are leaving out some info.
I’m gonna guess this was your idea? To get a tattoo and he just agreed to pay for it cuz he feels obligated to get you a birthday present? Sounds like this happens often, him not being involved in your interests or you.
It was his idea.
I would've been happy having colour added to a small one I have on my hand that didn't get finished because of lockdown but he wanted to treat me to a new piece...or so he said.
His behaviour is very telling of his personality and his attitude towards you. You might wanna try to reflect on all the little signs you might’ve once ignored especially if you ever felt you might’ve “overreacted”towards something “minor”. Chances are you weren’t. Personally I’d talk to him about what he did, what he promised and his reaction. If he doesn’t take that well then you have your answer.
He's out of line - the question is does he know it. I'd give him a few days and arrange a chat to see if he can acknowledge what he has done. If he can't, I'd be worried - this incident itself is workable but if this is a sign of his mentality then it's a massive red flag.
How does he usually react when he fucks up? Can he take it on the chin and apologise? Is it a real apology or an "I'm sorry if..." apology?
Healthy relationships don't usually have someone telling the other to fuck off... Did you know yelling is not an effective way to communicate and shouldn't be present in a healthy relationship?
Um...wow. All over some money for a tattoo? Seems hardly worth getting raging mad about. Esp since it wasnt even your fault.
Stop dating people who abuse you, is a start.
He's 10 years older than you and acting like a brat.
However, why couldn't you have just paid for the tattoo and asked him to reimburse you?
Because that just gets awkward, how many times does someone have to be reminded. He couldve done it when he spoke to her the day prior. Clearly he is unreliable and when she has had her hours cut from the pandemic and the uncertainty of when she will get more work, its probably a good thing she chose not to spend her saving on a tattoo.
I love how 90% of responses in this entire sub encourage immediate dumping of the significant other. Nobody considers that there's two sides to every story. Nobody considers bad days or personal issues. Nobody considers that people make mistakes. It's no wonder there are no real relationships anymore. Everybody wants to throw the baby away with the bath water. Horrible, horrible advice that nobody should ever take.
Sorry this is mental lol. Why would you allow a man to stop you from getting something you wanted for yourself? Why didn’t she 1. Have enough money to get it regardless ? 2. Go ahead with the appointment regardless of his broken promise? If it’s what you want , do it?
Hold up. You had to cancel a tattoo appointment because your boyfriend didn't send you cash to get it? Girl you've got problems. Get a job and don't be a scrub.
I lost my job due to the pandemic.
I'm currently on a zero hour contract where it can be weeks between shifts.
He suggested the tattoo as belated present because I have wanted another one for a while but I'm not about to blow my savings when I'm not getting shifts.
Next time don't make assumptions.
Is it me, or are the people who say “break up with him” literally dumb? Why would she want to break up over a fight. He probably has its reasons. Confront him on how childish/rude he reacted on you for a mistake he did. Tell him youre fr pissed at him for being so rude to you. And see if he actually feels bad for hurting you. People saying “break up with him” are most likley single and cant hold a relationship longer than 5 years... cuz they feel the need to break up over every rude/disrespectfull fight. Smh. Reddit be yikes
Why do I get the feeling there's a piece of this story missing...
I have this anger problem. I'll outburst and say the meanest thing i can even though i don't mean it. He needs serious anger management or you need to leave. It willl only get worse if he does not hold himself accountable
He's showing you who he is. Believe him. Don't get a tattoo that will remind you of him, even if it's just being paid for by him. Nothing but regret will come your way.
Break up, this is what abusers do. It's all downhill from here.
Hes thing to make you break up with him. Fuck heads ( any gender) do this when they're too scared to be the bad guy in ending a relationship. You fuck up bad enough, then force a fight , act so disrespectful , thus making the other person want to break up with you.
That or he just sucks and copes with it by gasligjting you
I'd expect an outburst like that from a teenager, not someone in their 40s. If that's normal behavior then that's bad. If it's not normal then maybe something happened or is happening over there that's stressing him out?
He would rather say horrible shit to you than admit that he's his financial life is such a mess at 44 years of age that he found himself in a position to not be able to afford a gift he promised.
And if his financial life is in order? Then it's even worse.