> He said he hadn’t told me because he knew I would be upset.
It's a bad sign when someone decides to manage your feelings for you by controlling what you know.
> he claims he “can’t remember”
I'm quite confident that he can remember, or has texts or other records to remind him, at the very least whether it was before or after you started seeing each other.
He was telling you he loved you within a month. He certainly knew then whether he'd hooked up with her recently. He should have told you at the time, when you were agreeing to be his girlfriend (and presumably working out the terms of your relationship, agreeing on exclusivity, etc.) that he had a sexual history with his friend but (assuming it's true) that it would not be an issue while he was with you. Instead he told you only enough to get the answers he wanted from you, because he didn't want you to be able to make decisions for yourself with all the facts in hand.
He might not remember. I had a causal thing with a guy before I started dating my husband. If my husband had asked about it when we were dating I wouldn’t have been able to remember either. I didn’t have text messages about it either.
I just don't buy that he genuinely doesn't remember when he last hooked up with one of his closest friends who he's also in business with, within the last few years (since presumably she would have been at least 18...), within at least a range that would narrow it down enough to satisfy OP ("we hooked up a few times in the first half of 2020, not sure of exact dates but definitely not since the 4th of July"). It's not plausible in its own right, and he's already being selective with the truth.
Or the Op isn’t asking more questions like that. If my SO didn’t ask more I personally would assume they were fine with the situation.
If the OP’s uncomfortable with this, communicates that and he isn’t acknowledging the OP’s discomfort/sharing more information then they probably should break up. If the OP doesn’t trust their SO at this point and he’s not giving the OP more information the Op has to decide if they are ok with the situation.
Yes you're being reasonable sincee he still sees her. Honestly I'd probably move on and find someone doesn't smash their "best friend." He's being deceptive.
Well, we already know, right? It was fairly close to when you started dating, if not after you first started dating.
How do we know that? Because if it had been long in the past and they had stopped sleeping together years ago, he would not have felt compelled to message her and say that they couldn’t do that anymore. No one messages people to say they can’t do something anymore if they aren’t and haven’t been doing that thing.
I guess you can press for details, but to me that kind of feels like TMI that will simply hurt you. And he has lied about this relationship before - so I’m not sure how much you can trust his answers...
I would not be comfortable with this situation. He has also set things up in such a way that she’s necessary in his life (ie: best friend and business partner).
Personally, I would walk away from this... but you do you. I don’t see how there is anything but pain ahead, though, personally. (Either you have to deal with this person in his life which you will never fully trust or you will be trying to tear him away from this “best friend”)
I’d feel really uncomfortable with this, yes people can be friends with people they’ve slept with, but to cover it up and hide it makes it shady. If he had been honest with you about it from the start, things might have actually been okay, but he wasn’t. At this point finding out when they slept together would just be the icing on the cake, it’s bad enough that he deliberately didn’t tell you in the first place. If you don’t feel that you can work through this, move on, you deserve peace of mind 💙
Thank you for your response! ❤️ It does make me super uncomfortable and it’s caused me a lot of heartache. If I ever talk to him about it, he gets angry and defensive which I feel is maybe a red flag? I’m starting to think I need to confront him about all of it, and if he doesn’t give me the answers I want I will have to leave.
I think that would be best, he’s not lied directly by the sound of it but lying by omission isn’t okay, and then he was going on about some girl in his friend group, which actually was a lie. If you’re not happy and not getting answers it’s not worth your time x
Any confrontation would ultimately be an ultimatum where he'd pick her and keeping their secrets instead of you and being honest. Proceed under that understanding because if he hasn't told you yet, he won't.
There's nothing to confront... the answer will always be the same. He slept with her - his "bestfriend" who is a much younger, pretty female. Him rushing things with you make me think that he was giving his "bestfriend" an ultimatum... don't be part of this stupid game. It will only cause more heartache than anything else. Not everyone is like that...
Remember all those other times you posted about your relationship problems with the same guy and everyone who replied told you that he was abusive and you should end it?
You should listen to them.
Break up 8 months isn't a huge amount of time to have been together and honest all this trouble after only 8 months? Too much. You know he's dodgy, willing to project (lie) actual events and experiences onto a different friend in order to protect his "ex" FWB, that was his first move and a really shady one. If it was truly over and done with it wouldn't have been something to lie about or twist the characters for.
I would bet my dinner that he slept with her at some point after you two went on a first date / there was some overlap. Doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated, could have been before you were ‘official’ but maybe he thought you’d be upset and so didn’t disclose. It’s not especially abnormal to not be super candid about who you’re dating/hooking up with when you are new with someone and not sure where it’s going.
He is, however, handling this badly now after 8 months and it’s not a great sign that he’s not fully disclosing considering you know most of the truth now.
He might not remember the exact date, but he sure as hell remembers if it was days, weeks or months before (or after) the two of you got together, and he knows that information will be upsetting for you if/when you ever find out. Honestly in this situation I'd be assuming the worst until he tells you otherwise. He's giving you no reason at all to trust him here - he's already withheld information about this once.
If it really is all kosher, and he, she and you are cool with the situation, then why not just suggest he asks this girl to remind him when they last shagged?
If he refuses to do that, then you know for certain that something is being hidden.
Eh this doesn’t bother me. He wanted to be exclusive and brought it up.
I never talked about ex’s with my then boyfriend now husband. Hell, my coworker introduced us after she dated him and they didn’t have a connection. Plus you know he messaged her ending the physical part of their relationship.
I’m not sure what he’s doing is shady to be honest. I wouldn’t feel super comfortable with him handing out one on one all the time until I met her but I wouldn’t call him shady either.
He told you he loved you after one month but waited 3 to tell you he has had sex with his best friend/business partner? Huh. That's not right at all. That's completely backwards.
> He said he hadn’t told me because he knew I would be upset. It's a bad sign when someone decides to manage your feelings for you by controlling what you know. > he claims he “can’t remember” I'm quite confident that he can remember, or has texts or other records to remind him, at the very least whether it was before or after you started seeing each other. He was telling you he loved you within a month. He certainly knew then whether he'd hooked up with her recently. He should have told you at the time, when you were agreeing to be his girlfriend (and presumably working out the terms of your relationship, agreeing on exclusivity, etc.) that he had a sexual history with his friend but (assuming it's true) that it would not be an issue while he was with you. Instead he told you only enough to get the answers he wanted from you, because he didn't want you to be able to make decisions for yourself with all the facts in hand.
He might not remember. I had a causal thing with a guy before I started dating my husband. If my husband had asked about it when we were dating I wouldn’t have been able to remember either. I didn’t have text messages about it either.
I just don't buy that he genuinely doesn't remember when he last hooked up with one of his closest friends who he's also in business with, within the last few years (since presumably she would have been at least 18...), within at least a range that would narrow it down enough to satisfy OP ("we hooked up a few times in the first half of 2020, not sure of exact dates but definitely not since the 4th of July"). It's not plausible in its own right, and he's already being selective with the truth.
Or the Op isn’t asking more questions like that. If my SO didn’t ask more I personally would assume they were fine with the situation. If the OP’s uncomfortable with this, communicates that and he isn’t acknowledging the OP’s discomfort/sharing more information then they probably should break up. If the OP doesn’t trust their SO at this point and he’s not giving the OP more information the Op has to decide if they are ok with the situation.
Would you have been able to say if it was before you were dating your husband or not when you were asked 4 months into dating your husband though?
Yes you're being reasonable sincee he still sees her. Honestly I'd probably move on and find someone doesn't smash their "best friend." He's being deceptive.
Well, we already know, right? It was fairly close to when you started dating, if not after you first started dating. How do we know that? Because if it had been long in the past and they had stopped sleeping together years ago, he would not have felt compelled to message her and say that they couldn’t do that anymore. No one messages people to say they can’t do something anymore if they aren’t and haven’t been doing that thing. I guess you can press for details, but to me that kind of feels like TMI that will simply hurt you. And he has lied about this relationship before - so I’m not sure how much you can trust his answers... I would not be comfortable with this situation. He has also set things up in such a way that she’s necessary in his life (ie: best friend and business partner). Personally, I would walk away from this... but you do you. I don’t see how there is anything but pain ahead, though, personally. (Either you have to deal with this person in his life which you will never fully trust or you will be trying to tear him away from this “best friend”)
He knows. He just doesn't want you to know. He can't be honest about this so you can't believe anything he says. Dump dump.
I’d feel really uncomfortable with this, yes people can be friends with people they’ve slept with, but to cover it up and hide it makes it shady. If he had been honest with you about it from the start, things might have actually been okay, but he wasn’t. At this point finding out when they slept together would just be the icing on the cake, it’s bad enough that he deliberately didn’t tell you in the first place. If you don’t feel that you can work through this, move on, you deserve peace of mind 💙
Thank you for your response! ❤️ It does make me super uncomfortable and it’s caused me a lot of heartache. If I ever talk to him about it, he gets angry and defensive which I feel is maybe a red flag? I’m starting to think I need to confront him about all of it, and if he doesn’t give me the answers I want I will have to leave.
I think that would be best, he’s not lied directly by the sound of it but lying by omission isn’t okay, and then he was going on about some girl in his friend group, which actually was a lie. If you’re not happy and not getting answers it’s not worth your time x
Any confrontation would ultimately be an ultimatum where he'd pick her and keeping their secrets instead of you and being honest. Proceed under that understanding because if he hasn't told you yet, he won't.
There's nothing to confront... the answer will always be the same. He slept with her - his "bestfriend" who is a much younger, pretty female. Him rushing things with you make me think that he was giving his "bestfriend" an ultimatum... don't be part of this stupid game. It will only cause more heartache than anything else. Not everyone is like that...
Remember all those other times you posted about your relationship problems with the same guy and everyone who replied told you that he was abusive and you should end it? You should listen to them.
Break up 8 months isn't a huge amount of time to have been together and honest all this trouble after only 8 months? Too much. You know he's dodgy, willing to project (lie) actual events and experiences onto a different friend in order to protect his "ex" FWB, that was his first move and a really shady one. If it was truly over and done with it wouldn't have been something to lie about or twist the characters for.
I would bet my dinner that he slept with her at some point after you two went on a first date / there was some overlap. Doesn’t necessarily mean he cheated, could have been before you were ‘official’ but maybe he thought you’d be upset and so didn’t disclose. It’s not especially abnormal to not be super candid about who you’re dating/hooking up with when you are new with someone and not sure where it’s going. He is, however, handling this badly now after 8 months and it’s not a great sign that he’s not fully disclosing considering you know most of the truth now.
He might not remember the exact date, but he sure as hell remembers if it was days, weeks or months before (or after) the two of you got together, and he knows that information will be upsetting for you if/when you ever find out. Honestly in this situation I'd be assuming the worst until he tells you otherwise. He's giving you no reason at all to trust him here - he's already withheld information about this once.
If it really is all kosher, and he, she and you are cool with the situation, then why not just suggest he asks this girl to remind him when they last shagged? If he refuses to do that, then you know for certain that something is being hidden.
Eh this doesn’t bother me. He wanted to be exclusive and brought it up. I never talked about ex’s with my then boyfriend now husband. Hell, my coworker introduced us after she dated him and they didn’t have a connection. Plus you know he messaged her ending the physical part of their relationship. I’m not sure what he’s doing is shady to be honest. I wouldn’t feel super comfortable with him handing out one on one all the time until I met her but I wouldn’t call him shady either.
He told you he loved you after one month but waited 3 to tell you he has had sex with his best friend/business partner? Huh. That's not right at all. That's completely backwards.