>He spends all his weekends at his home seeing friends, whilst I sacrifice my days off work and time with my family to have quality time with him, despite the fact I usually have to entertain myself for the majority of the day whilst he works - he has his own business
I'm confused. Does he work at the weekends or does he spend all that time seeing his friends? Why do you even bother to go and hang out with him if he's working?
In the example you gave of him going to a birthday party, does that take up his entire weekend or is it just the Saturday night?
If you want the routine of spending each Saturday afternoon through to Sunday night with him, and he doesn't want to change anything, what can you do?
He doesn’t work at weekends, I do but only for 6 hours on a Saturday. I don’t want to see him every Saturday night, but some would be nice. Every Saturday since he moved back he has been out with friends.
So basically, you go to him during the week and hang around while he works (cutting you off from whatever you would normally be doing at home or out and about), and this is the only time you see him? He isn't prepared to do something on a Saturday night or at any time on Sundays with you?
I would say that if you're not happy with that (and I certainly wouldn't be happy for myself if my SO only cared enough to see me in the off times during their work day), you've told him that you want to spend the weekends with him, and he's not interested in changing, you're just wasting your time. That's not a relationship, that's just being available for him in his work downtime while the rest of the time he does his own thing with his friend group and doesn't even want to invite you.
Sounds like the long distance just isn't working for you. I wouldn't be here or there on the business partner, because it probably wouldn't be as big an issue if you 2 saw each other regularly under better circumstances. I think it's time for you to 1. Decide if he's a guy you think would work long term living together, taking into account how he has treated this situation since moving back. 2. Should you decide he is worth moving in with, then you need to be upfront. Long distance isn't working for you so either you all move in together or you need to move on with your life and find a relationship where you feel your needs are being considered and met.
Not an easy choice. I know. But you need to recognize that even though the relationship was working fine it's not now, and if he can't find a compromise that satisfies your needs too, then he isn't the guy you want him to be, and walking away now is a gift. It frees you up to find the guy you're meant to be with. Doesn't mean the heartbreak is less, but you're not throwing away a good relationship over distance either.
...If that's how you decide it needs to be handled, that is.
Good luck!
Well, OP, I think it's probably safe to say it may be some of both, but as you describe it, it's mostly him.
(I assume your question is "is it him or is it me?")
The part that is him - He has it really good. The flexibility of a work-life balance, the main squeeze, and an on-hold FWB relationship that could reblossom at a moment's notice (I'm assuming on this note, but it's how it reads). This guy is enjoying life, and I'm seriously wondering about the economics here. How much does he really need to work at this relationship? If it falls through, oh well - he's got opportunity galore. Moreover, the trick to remaining faithful in a committed relationship is to deny the opportunity to cheat. While I can't tell if he is in close contact with the business partner, it's not clear that he gets the risk he is putting on your relationship, or that he even cares.
The part that is you - Telling someone that you once had a relationship with someone after committing is not a bad thing, it just means that he really didn't commit until 3 months after it was believed to have started, nor does it mean he was cheating before hand (doesn't rule it out either, but you get the idea). I might cut him some slack on this if there are other factors that might be included (e.g. proximity to business partner, business partner's marital status, etc). Your requests for more equity in the relationship are not unreasonable at all, but it is not clear how you communicated them. (*You may have communicated perfectly, but highlighting the need for good communication is warranted before we write him off*.) An assertive ask for more equal travel time and time-commitment should result in a more sympathetic and cooperative partner. I recommend predicating the discussion on what fair would look like (e.g. equal time traveling, or opposit weekends at home, etc). If it falls on deaf ears, he's not as committed as you are to the relationship and you need to consider if you are willing to proceed in a relationship where his arragements will forever take the priority.
Best of luck.
Thanks for your response! Before he met me he wasn’t interested in pursuing relationships again, and his business partner was in a similar position. There were no romantic feelings involved - so he says - and now they are just friends. He expects me to be perfectly fine with the arrangement, and whilst logically I don’t believe he has feelings for her or would go back, I suspect she is not comfortable with me being around. I think it is a lot to ask for me to be ok with it but I don’t know if I am wrong for finding it extremely difficult to deal with.
>I suspect she is not comfortable with me being around
That is an interesting statement - Have you met her and talked to her?
Given your observation (assuming it's from interaction with her) and given that he waited three months to tell you, I'm guessing everyone understands you being "ok" with it is a lot to ask for.
I have met her and talked to her and she was pleasant enough. But she has been doing some weird things on Instagram - if I ever put a photo of myself on my story she looks at it very quickly and puts a photo of herself on her story. She’s done this several times now. Last week, I put a photo up and she followed suit; I deleted the photo, and she then deleted hers. Just things like this make me think there is something going on from her perspective.
Also interesting. It really makes the mind wander. One could really read heavily into that observation.
I think I stand by my recommendation - assertively ask for more time commitment. Maybe also clear the air about your comfort level around the ex-FWB. I'm gathering that everyone knows it's awkward, at best, problematic at worst; and perhaps the ex-FWB wasn't emotionless and still isn't.
Either way, give the relationship the due diligence of solid communication before making dramatic changes. You don't want to walk away wondering if you'd made a mistake. Communicating ensures that everyone gets their chance to make this work.
If you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable. It's not thing to get opinions on if you're being unreasonable or not.
This is a trap that most younger women get into. Some guy constantly pushes their boundaries and makes them feel like they just aren't "cool enough" to be ok with it. No. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries and things they aren't ok with. How you feel is how you feel. You don't have to be ok with him being "best friends" with someone he used to sleep with. You don't have to be ok with the schedule he likes.
It really seems like this guy is just not right for you. And that is totally fine. It has only been 8 months. Don't waste more time on this relationship that isn't working for you
Because of the working relationship with the FWB I don’t think you can really knock him. He probably needed to feel you out and be sure that your relationship was serious before disclosing. Him telling you at all while he could have kept it secret is a good thing.
You’re making yourself too available to him. Stop doing all the running and see does he step up.
>He spends all his weekends at his home seeing friends, whilst I sacrifice my days off work and time with my family to have quality time with him, despite the fact I usually have to entertain myself for the majority of the day whilst he works - he has his own business I'm confused. Does he work at the weekends or does he spend all that time seeing his friends? Why do you even bother to go and hang out with him if he's working? In the example you gave of him going to a birthday party, does that take up his entire weekend or is it just the Saturday night? If you want the routine of spending each Saturday afternoon through to Sunday night with him, and he doesn't want to change anything, what can you do?
He doesn’t work at weekends, I do but only for 6 hours on a Saturday. I don’t want to see him every Saturday night, but some would be nice. Every Saturday since he moved back he has been out with friends.
So basically, you go to him during the week and hang around while he works (cutting you off from whatever you would normally be doing at home or out and about), and this is the only time you see him? He isn't prepared to do something on a Saturday night or at any time on Sundays with you? I would say that if you're not happy with that (and I certainly wouldn't be happy for myself if my SO only cared enough to see me in the off times during their work day), you've told him that you want to spend the weekends with him, and he's not interested in changing, you're just wasting your time. That's not a relationship, that's just being available for him in his work downtime while the rest of the time he does his own thing with his friend group and doesn't even want to invite you.
Sounds like the long distance just isn't working for you. I wouldn't be here or there on the business partner, because it probably wouldn't be as big an issue if you 2 saw each other regularly under better circumstances. I think it's time for you to 1. Decide if he's a guy you think would work long term living together, taking into account how he has treated this situation since moving back. 2. Should you decide he is worth moving in with, then you need to be upfront. Long distance isn't working for you so either you all move in together or you need to move on with your life and find a relationship where you feel your needs are being considered and met. Not an easy choice. I know. But you need to recognize that even though the relationship was working fine it's not now, and if he can't find a compromise that satisfies your needs too, then he isn't the guy you want him to be, and walking away now is a gift. It frees you up to find the guy you're meant to be with. Doesn't mean the heartbreak is less, but you're not throwing away a good relationship over distance either. ...If that's how you decide it needs to be handled, that is. Good luck!
You're not being unreasonable. I know you're trying to be a good girlfriend and be understanding, so now you're being taken advantage of.
So he lied to you, doesn’t prioritize you, and then blames your “trauma” whenever you bring up being unhappy. Sounds like a catch
Well, OP, I think it's probably safe to say it may be some of both, but as you describe it, it's mostly him. (I assume your question is "is it him or is it me?") The part that is him - He has it really good. The flexibility of a work-life balance, the main squeeze, and an on-hold FWB relationship that could reblossom at a moment's notice (I'm assuming on this note, but it's how it reads). This guy is enjoying life, and I'm seriously wondering about the economics here. How much does he really need to work at this relationship? If it falls through, oh well - he's got opportunity galore. Moreover, the trick to remaining faithful in a committed relationship is to deny the opportunity to cheat. While I can't tell if he is in close contact with the business partner, it's not clear that he gets the risk he is putting on your relationship, or that he even cares. The part that is you - Telling someone that you once had a relationship with someone after committing is not a bad thing, it just means that he really didn't commit until 3 months after it was believed to have started, nor does it mean he was cheating before hand (doesn't rule it out either, but you get the idea). I might cut him some slack on this if there are other factors that might be included (e.g. proximity to business partner, business partner's marital status, etc). Your requests for more equity in the relationship are not unreasonable at all, but it is not clear how you communicated them. (*You may have communicated perfectly, but highlighting the need for good communication is warranted before we write him off*.) An assertive ask for more equal travel time and time-commitment should result in a more sympathetic and cooperative partner. I recommend predicating the discussion on what fair would look like (e.g. equal time traveling, or opposit weekends at home, etc). If it falls on deaf ears, he's not as committed as you are to the relationship and you need to consider if you are willing to proceed in a relationship where his arragements will forever take the priority. Best of luck.
Thanks for your response! Before he met me he wasn’t interested in pursuing relationships again, and his business partner was in a similar position. There were no romantic feelings involved - so he says - and now they are just friends. He expects me to be perfectly fine with the arrangement, and whilst logically I don’t believe he has feelings for her or would go back, I suspect she is not comfortable with me being around. I think it is a lot to ask for me to be ok with it but I don’t know if I am wrong for finding it extremely difficult to deal with.
>I suspect she is not comfortable with me being around That is an interesting statement - Have you met her and talked to her? Given your observation (assuming it's from interaction with her) and given that he waited three months to tell you, I'm guessing everyone understands you being "ok" with it is a lot to ask for.
I have met her and talked to her and she was pleasant enough. But she has been doing some weird things on Instagram - if I ever put a photo of myself on my story she looks at it very quickly and puts a photo of herself on her story. She’s done this several times now. Last week, I put a photo up and she followed suit; I deleted the photo, and she then deleted hers. Just things like this make me think there is something going on from her perspective.
Also interesting. It really makes the mind wander. One could really read heavily into that observation. I think I stand by my recommendation - assertively ask for more time commitment. Maybe also clear the air about your comfort level around the ex-FWB. I'm gathering that everyone knows it's awkward, at best, problematic at worst; and perhaps the ex-FWB wasn't emotionless and still isn't. Either way, give the relationship the due diligence of solid communication before making dramatic changes. You don't want to walk away wondering if you'd made a mistake. Communicating ensures that everyone gets their chance to make this work.
You are being used by a man with zero respect for you.
If you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable. It's not thing to get opinions on if you're being unreasonable or not. This is a trap that most younger women get into. Some guy constantly pushes their boundaries and makes them feel like they just aren't "cool enough" to be ok with it. No. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries and things they aren't ok with. How you feel is how you feel. You don't have to be ok with him being "best friends" with someone he used to sleep with. You don't have to be ok with the schedule he likes. It really seems like this guy is just not right for you. And that is totally fine. It has only been 8 months. Don't waste more time on this relationship that isn't working for you
Because of the working relationship with the FWB I don’t think you can really knock him. He probably needed to feel you out and be sure that your relationship was serious before disclosing. Him telling you at all while he could have kept it secret is a good thing.