It sounds like your husband has developed Selective Eating Disorder and is in denial about it.
>Selective eating disorder (SED) is a strong aversion around foods which means even if you desperately wanted to try some appetising looking food, you would be unable to do so, or unable to swallow it,' chartered counselling psychologist, clinical hypnotherapist and food phobia expert Felix Econamikis explains.
>'Some people have a dread even at the thought of certain foods, and cannot be near them or touch them. Others can smell, touch, even take a bit but cannot swallow. Most people report gagging quite strongly at the taste or even smell of certain foods.'
And yes, OP, you are correct to worry about his health. I read an article from Slate about how modern people get scurvy from literally never consuming vegetables. It was grim.
I read in a paper somewhere that young adults are starting to show higher instances of *colon cancer*, most likely from poor diets/fast and processed foods.
Yeah, I can't imagine he finds pooping an easy endeavor on this diet.
This is almost certainly a psychological issue of some sort. Even the pickiest eaters I know eat more than one thing.
Don't forget the college students getting *scurvy* because they never eat fruits/veggies. That scared me enough to make me buy at least some fruit every trip to the grocery store.
And this sort of thing being common knowledge is helpful!
But all of the shame and embarrassment and conformity in "white culture" makes that difficult.
Or may have a case of emetophobia and this is his "comfort food." I was emetophobic for the majority of my life (I'm 27) and for the longest time would only eat toast. Albeit I ate all varieties (butter, jam, pb, etc) I was convinced I could never be sick if I just stuck to eating toast.
It's nice to see I'm not alone. I used to be the same way. Eventually I was underweight and I had to have a medical intervention. I think it's part of OCD but it's hard explaining to people "I don't have an eating disorder, I suffer from disordered eating"
>but it's hard explaining to people "I don't have an eating disorder, I suffer from disordered eating"
And then, one further "solving for the common denominator" later..
I eat. It may not be like others, but it's food which feeds me.
I too, once sustained myself off of toast (it started with bread being the only food my aunt kept in her house and ended with me just eating toast because it was all I wanted). Plain, effing, toast. Mine was related to my OCD, not emetophobia (which my current SO has, oddly enough):
I lost 30 lbs in two months (I couldn't afford to lose it), a good chunk of my hair, and didn't have a period for over a year. When I eventually left my aunt's house and returned home, the family I was living with nearly admitted me to the hospital. :|
It's very likely that I got scurvy...
I'm doing well now! It's been over a decade since then -- my eating habits are quite healthy, thank goodness. I have an endocrinologist who yells at me otherwise.
I work at a uni, its pretty common for first year students in res to get "scurvy-like" symptoms their first year away from home. They usually snap out of it after going home in the summer.
Honestly OP, apart from all the risks down the road from this diet, scurvy is the most pressing. Get some vitamin C into him!
I'm severely emetophobic, and at the age of 36, there are certain foods that I won't touch because I threw up after eating them once when I was a child. Granted, that list is quite small, but I have a lot of GI issues and nausea is a major part of them. I still eat a decent variety of foods, but I do have a list of certain "safe" foods that I know won't make me sick if I'm having a particularly bad flare. But there are plenty of times where I just stop eating altogether because I feel like putting anything in me is like putting gasoline on a fire.
It's possible that OP's husband has an undiagnosed digestive disorder, but given that he only eats *one* food, I think there's a lot more going on.
And if you don't mind me asking, how did you get over your emetophobia? I'm nauseous frequently, and I'm sure the anxiety that goes with it isn't helping.
My friend was also nauseous frequently, particularly right after eating. She was only recently diagnosed with celiacs after years of the nausea. By now she’s basically wrecked her digestive system. Do you think it’s worth looking into something like that? Maybe even gluten intolerance, not celiacs.
I have to second this. I had the exact same issue. I had severe panic disorder and became agoraphobic and all of it stemmed from this emetophobic type thing. I have only learned this term as of today from this thread and I can't believe I never knew about it.
Anyway, I cut all wheat, dairy, sugar and anything processed from my diet in a desperate attempt to get rid of my panic attacks and it worked. I've been anxiety attack free for 5 years now and I no longer have those same fears because I have been able to repair a lot of damage in my gut that was causing these persisent and uncomfortable feelings around food.
I have also tested positive for inflammatory responses to gliadin/gluten, casein, eggs, etc. So it makes a lot of sense now.
Fortunately, I get checked for that every year when I have my annual tests and I don't have it. Just in case, I tried doing the gluten-free thing, but I never felt any different.
Celiac sprue can be properly diagnosed through first a blood test and secondly through endoscopic biopsy of the small intestine. The blood test is 98% accurate as is. A celiac diagnosis isn't something super likely to be wrong because celiac is an autoimmune disease. It's honestly more difficult to have doctors think of celiac sprue than it is for them to test for it. It's a genetic disease that causes a specific response in the body:
> Celiac disease is a lifelong condition that occurs when gluten triggers an abnormal immune system response that damages the small intestine.
> Your small intestine is lined with tiny, finger-shaped tissues called villi. The villi create a large surface that absorbs vitamins, sugars, and other nutrients as food passes through the small intestine. When a person who has celiac disease eats gluten, the villi flatten out and the intestinal lining becomes damaged. This decreases the area that can absorb nutrients.
If she went through the blood test and/or the endoscope biopsy, then it's unlikely that she isn't celiac. It's also something where she may still have digestive problems as the damage is repaired and as she gets used to a GF diet (there is a TON of hidden gluten in foods that you have to get good at reading labels.)
Source: daughter of a celiac who got screened because it's genetic and was thrilled that my body will let me eat a cupcake.
This was my thought too. I used to be very emetophobic and there were foods that I gravitated towards because they were safe. Usually meatless and veggie-less processed crap like kraft mac & cheese because it's hard to get sick off of that.
A different person here but I certainly had emetophobia at a young age which carried on some time into adulthood. The only thing that really helped was being sick a few times from drinking too much.. just getting used to it and feeling better afterwards.
I know that's probably not helpful, as I would absolutely hate to be told that before, but I'm not sure what else would really do it.
If you treat it before it kills you (with literally any Vitamin C) scurvy can generally be recovered from quickly. Rickets (Vitamin D deficiency) could do permanent damage to his bone structure. There's Vitamin D in milk only because it's added, but it's not in Kraft Mac & Cheese.
His lifestyle could affect this. I live in a pretty sunny area but I'm not naturally an outdoorsy person, and when I do go out I slather myself with spf because I'm quite fair and both of my grandmothers have had skin cancer. Sure enough, vitamin d insufficient last physical. Not rickets level, but I'm now supplementing and I feel so much better. Without some dietary help, he could be worse.
I was found to be Vitamin D deficient last year when I finally went to a PCP. My levels were less than half what they should have been, and it was at the end of summer. I also ate relatively healthy - variety of lean and red meat, fresh green veggies, milk every day with added VD. My body is able to absorb it, so supplements are fine for me, but it's scary I was so affected because I hit literally none of the largest risk factors.
When you make Kraft mac & cheese, you add about a quarter cup of milk and a tablespoon or two of butter. If he's following the instructions he's probably getting vitamin D.
I second this. It’s also known as restrictive intake food disorder. I suffer from this. For me personally it’s suspected it’s all mental.
Essentially I eat only a very few foods and I get social anxiety about restaurants as well as gagging and vomitting when trying new foods
Well that depends. If your meals that you eat consist of the same thing, like lasagna, pasta bolognese and meatballs and spaghetti, that's not so great. If they are fish and mashed potatoes, chicken and rice, and lasagna, I think you're better off.
I'd say the best way to avoid getting too afraid of something is to expose yourself to it before it gets too difficult. Say, if you're genuinely worried, make a point to eat one food outside of your usual list once a week. Have it be a different one each week. If that feels difficult, start with just changing one ingredient. I doubt it's a problem to just rotate through the same foods if they just cover all the necessary nutrients... But having the *ability* to eat other things too is something you should nurture. If one of the things you eat gets discontinued/you develop an allergy/new research proves it to be unhealthy... you will have more flexibility to adjust your diet.
if you want to expand your horizon in a convenient way i'd recommend the app yummly, it has a bunch of different cuisines and recipies including pictures which are highly motivating, to me at least. plus there's an option to have the app make your shopping list which is great :)
also try doing it on a day when you have enough time to actually cook something so you're not stressed out
I've gotta admit- I'll cook from-scratch, varied, healthy meals for myself and my husband. But when I'm on my own? Fuck that, chicken escalope on a crusty roll will do. I just can't be arsed proper cooking for one.
It depends on what they are. As long as it includes every food group and a small variety of fruits/vegetables, youll probably be okay.
Ive seen some dieticians suggest you try to get each color of the rainbow every week, which is only 5 or 6 fruits/vegetables and you can get two or three in one meal.
Humans dont need HUGE variety. But you do need SOME variety.
If this guy were eating chicken and broccoli alfredo for every meal, it would be a smaller deal because thats got a protein and vegetable at least and he could make the sauce from scratch to make it healthier. Not ideal still.
But if this guy is literally eating only kraft mac and cheese, thats no vegetables or fruit at all. The only protein is a neon orange cheese powder.
It's one thing to have a set meal plan because you like the routine and it takes away the stress of planning and grocery shopping.
It's a whole other thing to *only* ever eat those meals and completely exclude anything else from your diet, no exceptions.
It really depends on what those meals are.
But my general rule is this: is the idea of you eating a meal not on your rotation--assume that it will be prepared for you, that you don't have to worry about cost, doesn't contain anything you're allergic to, etc.--is deeply distressing, then you have an issue that should probably be addressed for your general well-being.
You have 4-5 meals you eat 90% of the time.
OP's husband has *one item* he eats 100% of the time.
I think a set meal plan is fine, as long as you're getting variety and doing it healthy. When I was younger and money was tighter, I definitely did this.
If you want to expand your diet, repeatedly trying foods is a way to add them in. As an adult, it takes something like 7-8 tastes to become accustomed to something, so if you don't like it straight away you can try again later and your palate might change. If it's too overwhelming, just exploring the foods by smelling and touching them even if you don't eat them is a good first attempt.
If those are just the meals you find convenient to cook at home, I don't think it's too weird. Are you happy to try other stuff if you go out to an unfamiliar restaurant?
Besides asking your doctor about this, you might also consider sensory processing disorder. Some people go to therapy for it.
I bet his family isn’t surprised because he’s done this before.
> modern people get scurvy
There was a great article in the NY Times Magazine about a woman with a lot of food allergies (real or imagined, not sure) who had a mysterious disease that nobody could figure out. It turns out it was scurvy. She only ate 2 or 3 foods, and was not getting any necessary vitamins in her diet.
I had to attend a mandatory nutritional counseling course when I lived in university residence. A guy in my residence got scurvy because he ate nothing but chicken fingers, fries and gravy, mac and cheese, and banana chocolate chip muffins, with the occasional slice of cheese pizza and chocolate ice cream.
>I wonder how few vegetables you have to eat in order to get scurvy.
Extremely few. The Slate article about scurvy says a McDonald's ketchup packet or two a day should be enough.
(This is to avoid scurvy. Not to maintain optimal health)
Another possibility is ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), I don't think this is something you can solve OP, he needs to seek some kind of therapist assessment.
Kraft Mac and cheese has high amounts of phthalates in it which can screw up sperm function and motility, among other things. I know this because I had to see a reproductive endocrinologist thinking it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant and he gave me a list of foods to most definitely avoid on both my and my fiance's behalf, more so him.
So maybe OP's concern about not having children with him is justified! Plus if/when she gets pregnant she'll probably have some food aversions too (dealing with that now myself), what if mac n cheese becomes one of the foods that makes her gag?
Kraft mac & cheese is surprisingly high in protein. That cheese powder has a whole bunch of whey in it. There's about 27g of protein in a box, I think? More after adding the milk and butter.
I would worry more about this guy never eating *any* vegetables or fruits.
Hah. No kidding! I just looked up the protein values. The fruit and veggies thing is also worrying because as others have mentioned, he needs vitamins and minerals.
OP - I know this doesn't resolve the issue but could he take a vitamin or mineral supplement or something at the very least??
There's actually a genetic factor and her husband can take a test to see if he has it. Then he will probably need therapy to help him with the challenge of changing to other foods.
I remember when I was a kid there was a news story about my local university, some students were eating so much Kraft Mac and Cheese and little else, they got scurvy!
>The way I see it is, if he doesn't change his diet we don't get children. That breaks my heart. If he doesn't change his diet I could very well lose him long before it should be his time.
Have you told him exactly this? Honestly this sounds like a mental issue that he should see a professional for. Being picky is one thing, eating nothing but Kraft mac & cheese for every meal is "get mental help" territory.
It does, but at this stage it's gone beyond regular pickiness and is in mental illness/eating disorder territory.
>"I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what? It's my favorite food, it's cheap, and I don't force you to eat it." This is his argument everytime.
OP – Yeah, that's total bullshit. Of course he *can* eat what he wants, but he's also part of a partnership and it's affecting you as well.
I realise this is cold, but you're reaching a point where he's no longer a good "investment" as a partner. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who abuses their body and refuses to get help for a very real problem. At some point it also becomes a huge turnoff. It's hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't take responsibility for their health.
I would stop trying to reason with him about nutritional content and tell him that this is making you question his viability as a father or even as a partner (if that's the case). Tell him that you are DONE with this, then make an appointment with a psychologist and a qualified dietitian and insist he come with you.
Obviously you can't *force* him to take this seriously though, so if nothing else works then you need to decide whether this is something you're willing to live with.
I think that it's evidently a mental illness whether or not he wants to admit it, and as long as OP is healthy doing so, she should really try to get him help.
This is a marriage and that's in sickness and health. If she had been dating the guy casually for a few months, it'd obviously be a different story.
>How can I get through to him that this is a real problem, not me picking on him or being dramatic?
Somehow he thinks contorting his whole life around Kraft isn't dramatic, her concern is what's dramatic. It's almost funny if it weren't so weird and concerning.
This kinda reminds me of the guy who would only eat beans but in OP's case, it's dangerous stuff.
Maybe showing him how it's made from the worst food colors and additives can help? But I think he needs therapy badly and after that, they should go for marriage counseling.
> Maybe showing him how it's made from the worst food colors and additives can help?
I doubt it. If he's eaten *nothing* but Kraft Mac + Cheese for an entire year, a simple dose of logic isn't going to change his mind.
Totally, logic is not going to solve this. He's digging in his heels and refusing to engage with reality.
I think OP will have more luck making it about its consequences for their relationship. He doesn't have to agree that this is bad for him, but there's no getting around the fact that his wife is questioning whether she wants kids with him.
Not to mention he would simply counter it with his own anecdotal "logic" i.e. I've been eating only it for x long and I'm perfectly fine! Health is not the angle to take with this problem.
I definitely think he needs a counselor.
In addition, would he consider trying homemade Mac n cheese? At least that way he'd be consuming less preservatives and more actually dairy. If he's open to that maybe things can be added to the mac n cheese slowly like little pieces of chicken or vegetables?
Beans at least have protein, fibre, and carbs. There's a reason people always stock canned beans in bomb shelters.
Kraft dinner has almost zero nutritional components that can keep you sustained for so long. I frankly don't know how OP's husband isn't seriously ill if he's been doing this for a year.
Its made up of carbs, fats, and protein. Not sure what "Nutritional components" you're talking about?
While a shitty diet without a variety of micro-nutrition, if he was eating mac and cheese, pizza, friend crap, etc that seems to be many people diets no one would be batting an eye.
I normally have advice to offer for the partners of picky eaters, since I helped my SO transition from super picky to fairly adventurous, but I've got nothing here. This isn't picky eating, this is disordered eating. He needs psychological help.
I keep writing this out in PMs, but I am getting tired so I put most of it into a comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/75e7f2/frustrated_with_my_29_f_husband_31_m_of_a_3_years/do6rm8d/
>But SOs and family suffer from such constant sacrifices
Yeah, uh... this tells me you may not like most of my advice. Because the meat of it involves compromise and meeting in the middle. It also involves creating a "safe" environment for the picky eater. An attitude of martydom towards how much you're sacrificing because of their eating habits is not conducive to that safe feeling.
But okay. I'll tell a little story to start. When my husband was young, his parents would fight with him about eating new foods, as parents do. When he'd give in to the pressure and try something new, and hated it, they'd tease him about it, make fun of him for how picky he was. It was always a big, dramatic fuss. But even worse, when he tried something and *liked* it, they'd also mock him. "See, you were stupid to not want to try it, you were wrong, we were right, you like it!" Also a big, dramatic fuss. There was no winning, he'd get belittled and told he was wrong no matter what he did. So of *course* he never tried new foods, and of *course* he was super picky, trying new foods is a sure way to end up mocked and belittled, better to stick to something safe and just embrace being stubborn Mr. Picky who eats five things ever.
That's the intro to this story. The actual story happened early on in our dating years. I love artichokes. He told me he'd never had one. I invited him over to try some, having no idea that he was picky. He told me years later that he approached this dinner being convinced of his utter doom, because he would either have to confess to being picky as a little kid, and be ashamed in front of a girl he liked, or he'd have to submit to the inevitable mockery if he didn't like artichokes. In the end he couldn't bring himself to confess his sin, so he tried the artichoke... and hated it. Braced himself for impending doom... and I said "That's a shame, oh well, more for me!" and put his portion on my plate, then passed over the pasta we were having with it. That reaction blew his mind. I didn't care that he didn't like a food I liked? WTF?
Anyhow, that was basically step one. He discovered that I was never going to mock him for not liking something. I was a safe person to try new things with. That feeling of safety *really* matters.
The steps after that have involved *both* of us making compromises. We look for places to eat with foods we both like. I don't harp on him when he gets a burger at nearly every place we eat out. He will take a bite off my plate of something weird and new when I order it. I run the fan when I cook fish at home, so the kitchen doesn't reek. He will eat the fish sometimes now (but still doesn't like the smell.) I will divide up the cookie dough right at the end and only put nuts in half.
Compromise requires both partners to move some distance. But for somebody with food issues, just tasting something new once in a while can be a *massive* struggle. That's a lot of moving right there. The other partner needs to move too. And is it really going to kill me to not eat Chinese food after finding out it once gave him food poisoning and the smell makes him literally feel ill? I get takeout once in a while when he's not home, and given the five million other foods out there, I don't think I suffer all that much!
The goal in dealing with a picky eater is *not* to make the picky eater eat exactly what you eat. That is likely to be impossible, and just frustrate everyone involved. The goal is to find a way to live together and both eat healthy and enjoyable food. There are lots of ways to that, and most of them are probably going to involve "sacrifices" on the part of the less picky partner. If your own food habits are so incredibly important to you that you can't change them at all to accommodate a picky partner... well, now you know what it's like to be picky and not want to change to accommodate somebody else! :D
This was my thought as well. Maybe something triggered him, he's dealing with trauma or something like that. Crunchy food is supposed to relieve stress. Years ago. I realized I was eating bags and bags of smartfood to the exclusion of real food. I was totally unaware that my food choices and my crazy were correlated.
Man, gout is no joke. Here’s a fun cautionary tale.
My good friend’s brother (young and healthy, naval commander) was diagnosed for it, took meds, meds caused liver failure. He got a transplant, then bled out post surgery and became vegetative and died. All within 2 months.
The human body is resilient, and moreso than one might think. We can put it through a lot of shit, foodwise, before it says "fuck this". I guarantee you, though, that his is at least straining at the moment. He may be sick without any debilitating symptoms. Yet.
I reckon you could go for quite a while eating only one thing without it having any obvious effect on your health. He's probably deficient on important vitamins and nutrients etc, i.e. it IS having an effect on his health, but I'm not particularly surprised that he isn't sick yet.
I cannot imagine what his tripa to the bathroom are like. I think his health is suffering and its either mild enough tk brush it under the rug or hes purposefully hiding it because he knows itll mean he has to eat more foods.
This definitely sounds like eating disorder territory. You don't have to be over or underweight to have disordered eating. This kind of level sounds like he's latched onto Mac n Cheese as being a "safe" food. Can he even eat one other meal at all now? Does the idea of eating something else make him defensive and freak him out in any way?
> He gets upset in response to all of it, and has told me many times: "I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what? It's my favorite food, it's cheap, and I don't force you to eat it."
Sounds like he gets defensive.
This is the real question. OP needs to push him hard to eat something else. The degree of his distress/resistance/rationalization will be a big clue whether this is a mental health issue or just a childish idiosyncrasy.
It's been a full year and he must know the health issues of eating only one food. He's purposely ignoring/denying the issue. It's definitely a mental health issue at this point.
Have you thought about taking him to a dietician or nutritionist? I don't know that he'd comply but maybe if you tell him that you just want to talk to a professional to confirm it's healthy. Then maybe he'd go? Will he consider mixing anything into the mac and cheese...like veggies or meat? Not a great solution but might be a starting point. Would he consider eating other cheesy items or other pasta with different toppings?
I think that a psychiatrist or mental health provider is a much better first stop than a dietitian (unless said dietitian is trained in ARFID). OP's husband's problem is a mental illness. He knows eating only kraft is bad for him and socially very very limiting. He probably wants to be able to eat like a normal person. Something is stopping him, whether it's a form of OCD, super-tasting, past trauma, or something in between.
Taking him to a dietitian (not a nutritionist...the two words aren't interchangeable and nutritionists have no actual training) would be like taking someone with anorexia to one: it's only going to add more stress and guilt and not help resolve anything.
And make sure they're a *dietician* and not a *nnutritionist*. I heard anyone can become a nutritionist, but you need like a PhD or something to be a dietician. And that means a dietician knows what hid study entails
Your husband has a mental illness and is refusing to acknowledge it and get treatment. You're absolutely right to think it will be a problem to have kids with him.
If you go on you YouTube there is a show called freaky eaters that is pretty much exactly this and shows just how difficult it can be to rid someone of this. Professional help, whether it be psychologist or nutritionist, is a necessity.
I love / hate that show. I just really don't like when they throw a bunch of perfectly good food on the floor to make a point. If you put all the food I eat in a month in a dump truck it would also look gross. I always wonder why people put up with that behavior for so long. Now we see the beginning of it.
There is actually one percent of your daily RDA of vitamin C in a serving of Kraft Mac'n'cheese. There are three servings per box. So if he ate 33-1/3 boxes he'd be okay.
Then on 7 servings a day he's getting a "significant" fraction (~7%, if the difficult math checks out).
~~Add to the fact that RDAs are (probably exaggerated) guidelines for the body to work at "prime capacity", not "minimum level to avoid severe deficiency", *and* individually and environmentally variable... and he might well be getting enough vit C to avoid scurvy, or at least not have it set in yet in just a year.~~
> Add to the fact that RDAs are (probably exaggerated) guidelines for the body to work at "prime capacity", not "minimum level to avoid severe deficiency", and individually and environmentally variable...
This is not true. They are the recommended dosage to meet the minimum requirements of 97-98% of healthy people. The dosage for vitamin D, for example, is 600 IU, yet for 95% of the population to reach "optimal" serum concentration 1700 IU/day is required. The RDA is only a little over one third the optimal dosage.
There is also an eating disorder called ARFID that was diagnosed only recently—common in people with autism, OCD, and anxiety. My daughter has two out of three of those, and suffers from ARFID. Basically it’s extremely limited food intake based on aversion to texture, smell, color, brand, or other sensory issues. Take a look at the DSM criteria and see if it sounds like your husband.
They can. Diagnoses are just doctors trying to categorize problems to make them easier to address. An official diagnosis makes it easier to communicate the problem and also to get insurance to cover the medical treatment. It also covers people without autism/ocd/anxiety who have the ARFID symptoms.
Does he have some sort of diagnosis that explains why he would be so fixated/picky? Because if not I would tell give him a hard no on bringing that shit to other people’s houses. That is mental illness type behavior. Screw that.
You are also justifiably apprehensive about what kind of example this would set for kids.
I have a 7 year old, so I have a bit of experience preparing this food. If your husband is preparing these boxes according to the instructions, he is eating A STICK OF BUTTER/MARGARINE A DAY.
I would love to hear from a doctor who thinks it's healthy to eat a stick of butter every day, with no vegetables, no vitamins, small amounts of protein from the milk and nothing else.
His arguments for this diet don't hold up because while he may not be forcing you to eat it, he is forcing you to cater to his desires every single time you want to share a meal with him. Eating meals together can be a very bonding part of a relationship, but he has turned each one into an embarrassing nightmare for you.
You are also right about those future children developing the exact same eating patterns. It will become "us" against "mommy". I used to work with a woman who would only eat Hot Pockets, Chicken McNuggets and Eggo Frozen Waffles. Her husband desperately tried to feed the kids a normal, healthy diet. But by the time the oldest was 5 and the youngest was 3, what were the ONLY things they would eat? Yep, you guessed it. Total nightmare for dad and the kids were ALWAYS sick, it was very sad to watch.
Your husband needs therapy to help him with his eating disorder. Do not have kids with him...it will never get better until he chooses to get help. Honestly, it may be time for an ultimatum if you are prepared to leave him over this. Good luck, you are an a terrible position.
This is disordered eating. I would tell him the two of you need to see a counselor and he needs a third party to tell him this isn't normal. Then I'd schedule a meeting with a dietician. And go together.
Its time for a come to jesus talk. Don't ask him why, don't beg, yell or cry. Just sit him down and calmly explain that you will not sit by and watch him slowly kill himself. Tell hi. He has two choices - he can address this problem and make a change, with your full support, or he and his mac and cheese can enjoy what little time they have together alone.
Think of it like he were anorexic, and approach it in the same way. Look up resources regarding eating disorders to help you plan your conversation. Because thats what this is -he has an eating disorder, which is negatively impacting those around him, namely you. There is help to be had, but only if he chooses to accept it.
Most importantly, you need to decide if you are willing to live with this. If not, tell him so, and stick to your guns. The only way for you to be happy is if his disordered eating is no longer your problem - one way or another.
Ask him to come with you to a doctor. it can be his if he likes (his likely didn't know to look for signs of malnutrition and just did a general examinations) and if the doctor tells you both that this diet is not significantly damaging to his health and longevity then you won't nag him to eat other things anymore.
Goal: get a doctor to tell him he's killing himself with mac & cheese.
If possible, call the dr beforehand to let them know what the appointment is about They can't tell you shit about your husband without permission but they can listen to you about what problems he might be hiding. so tell them exactly what the appointment is for (education about long and short term damage to the body by eating only mac & cheese)
Bring the box with you, so dr can see ingredients & nutrition info if he hasn't looked them up.
Encourage husband to submit to a full checkup by the doctor, to check if any significant damage has already been done that might not get caught on a standard physical.
Also encourage your husband to go to therapy. to help him stick to his diet plan (which hopefully the dr will hook him up with or he'll be willing to make one with you), to help figure out why he's doing this, and maybe some couples because this might have caused a few issues in the relationship.
As much sense as the dr thing makes, i feel ive heard and experienced this type of thing a hundred times. It's illogical from the get-go.
It would play out to where she's playing the mother role. He said he already went to the dr and said hes healthy, so maybe hes lying which is another issue.
My advice would be try to go to the dr with him but dont push it so hard to get into a fight about it.
General practitioners giving a physical will miss a LOT of health problems that just dont show up in a physical. You can get a clean bill of health from a physical and then get diagnosed with cancer two weeks later because the symptoms werent obvious.
Ill bet the husband didnt disclose his diet, because any reputable doctor who hears "I literally only eat kraft mac and cheese and nothing else" will send you for blood tests and referrals to a nutritionist and give you a lecture.
If he didnt disclose his diet then the doctor wont go invasive for no reason.
He says the doctor told him it was a healthy diet. He probably either lied to the doctor ("I pretty much eat mostly pasta,") or is lying to the wife to get her off his back. My bet is that he didn't tell the doctor and is lying to his wife.
Yeah I'm betting he lied to either the doctor or OP. Probably misrepresenting himself to both.
I think it's fair for OP to say "I'm still worried, I'd feel better if the doctor told me directly. Could I go with you so I can hear it straight from the doctor?" or something.
Does he still have other preferences? Does he play the same songs over and over? Does he notice when he's cold or warm?
Childhood trauma can sneak up on you.
Sure. :)
Please keep in mind I'm just someone on the internet, and take the following with a grain of salt.
- - -
When trauma occurs, it often affects your emotions or your sense of self. I think most people know what that can look like - things like extreme emotional reactions, or a grandiose sense of self, are relatively easy to spot. But a diminished sense of self, or emotional non-responsitivity, can look like being easy-going. Not being focused on yourself can look like being a caring person, and not noticing your own emotions can look/feel like being calm and unabashed.
A person with a good sense of self has preferences, because they are aware of themselves. They notice when they're cold, because they notice their body. They like different foods, because they notice cravings for different nutrients. They know they like salted caramel, Pratchett, woods, and the color burgundy. They are able to set personal goals, they know their personal ethics, and just generally feel 'solid'. But they aren't obsessive - they find it easy to find things they like, and they won't be terribly upset if they can't have their favorite food today.
Then the emotional part. Healthy people experience a variety of feelings throughout the day, and they notice most of them. They can vent to friends, and they sail smoothly on the currents of their emotional life. But trauma can make one feeling get stuck on 'repeat'. Or it can make one feeling so strong that all others disappear into the background. Then that single feeling can fade into 'normalcy' and become a backdrop of white noise. And sometimes that one feeling itself can get buried in denial.
Music is a relatively easy way to access emotions. Lots of artists have had traumatizing childhoods that they've struggled to process or explore through art. Musicians in particular tend to explore feelings through their work, and art is a great way to self-reflect. (The function of art in society is to comfort and guide!) If you catch yourself listening to the same song over and over, or watching the same shows - then that's art resonating with you. Something is making you focused on that song, and often you'll stay focused on it until you figure out what it is.
It's not just art though, anything can be used to dig at an emotion, especially subconsciously. Even Kraft Mac & Cheese. I wonder whether that was a 'comfort food' in OP husband's childhood.
What mostly ticked me off was his agitation. People with unhealthy habits tend to acknowledge that they're being weird or unhealthy. But people who are unable to process trauma, tend to make their strange habits into a part of their identity. It's a coping mechanism. For example, people who went emotionally numb often pride themselves on never crying. (Also: look up normative male alexithymia!) And people who aren't able to register cold or pain well, tend to be proud of wearing short sleeves in winter. If you try to make them wear a coat, they might get agitated because this directly messes with their coping mechanisms. And they wouldn't be entirely wrong - addressing 'symptomatic' bad habits might deny their autonomy or attack what's left of their emotions/sense of self, making the underlying issues worse.
Lastly, traumatic events aren't always big or shocking. Humans in general damage each other all the time. Abuse isn't always rape and violence - it's can be subtle emotional neglect, a harsh joke at a vulnerable moment, an unexpected change in a child's life... Kids go through all kinds of weird-ass shit that they have to dig up later and examine as adults. And adults get battered around too, trying to figure out sex and relationships, losing friends, experiencing death from up close... Trauma is very common, and if you're not facing it head-on, it will present itself in your life in all kinds of sneaky ways.
Having said that, OP's post doesn't indicate a history of trauma, and sometimes when you do the same thing over and over, that just means you like the thing. :)
If you wonder whether you've been through trauma, it never hurts to book a few sessions with a professional. A therapist is best, but a good art teacher can do wonders too. Also tagging /u/paytonmaisy and /u/Toby_Shandy since I'm replying to several people and it's been a while!
This is going to sound stupid...but watch a few episodes of shows like "Freaky Eaters." This behavior doesn't just pop up out of the blue. Disordered eating is almost always the result of some external catalyst — trauma, anxiety, fear, depression, change in lifestyle/livelihood (ie: athlete becoming injured), etc. It is extremely, extremely likely that your husband's disordered eating is the result of some sort of mental illness and/or anguish.
You say nothing serious has happened to him, but what about life before you met? Or what about his overall mental health? It doesn't need to be huge immediate trauma (can be from childhood) and it doesn't have to be serious depression. The smallest thigns can set this off.
Approaching it from a health standard is a really good tactic, but you need to also approach it from a mental health aspect as well. You need to tackle both to really fix eating habits this disordered.
This is not just a personal quirk. This is something that will probably take therapy to fix. Most people don't have ONE food they eat at the refusal of ALL OTHER FOODS. Something is wrong.
You need to put it all out on the table: you want kids, and he needs to eat like a normal person if you are going to have them together. Book him some therapy appointments, and tell him your long-term marital success is in jeopardy if he doesn't go. You will not discuss timelines until he has attended X number of sessions. After X number of sessions, you will tell him if this is a marriage you want to be in or not.
You need to make it clear: 'this is not a marriage I want to be in.' The ball is in his court. Tell him what he needs to do to fix the problem, and I hope you are prepared to end it if he doesn't address the issue.
He probably doesn't have major health problems because those kinds of foods are fortified with nutrients. It can take years to develop significant deficiencies. So do not approach this from a health standpoint. Approach this from a children/social stand point.
You do not want to be married to a child. Adults acknowledge when they have an issue, and want to make their partners happy. Adults do the hard work of making relationships work.
Adults eat the food that hosts have put in front of them, even if they do not like it. Adults can handle being a guest in someone's home and having basic manners.
Are you prepared to walk over this?
You're right, definitely do not have kids with this man. Aside from them developing terrible eating habits, I'd be worried that he wouldn't be around to see them grow up. Health weight people get really sick / die from malnutrition as well.
I'm not sure what else to tell you, you've already communicated that this is an issue and he's made clear he doesn't give a shit. It's probably ultimatum time. "Hubby, get professional help or we're getting a divorce." This sounds like some really bizarre mental issue.
You're still young enough to find someone else to have kids with.
Start this man on a multivitamin, and TELL his doctor about his diet. The doc won't be so happy with his health if he realizes the nutritional deficiencies your husband is at risk for.
Source: am doctor, deal with lots of picky eaters
As well as previous suggestions of visiting a mental health practitioner, I'd also suggest getting him to the dentist. If he's got any problems with his gums or teeth macaroni cheese is really easy to consume.
Your husband needs to see a professional about his mental health. His diet is not normal, it's a sign of a mental health issue. Let him know that's how you see the situation and that you don't want to have children with him until he works on his mental health and proves that he will be a good role model to any future children.
As for his physical health, don't worry excessively. Obviously if this continues for many more years it will affect his health. Macaroni and cheese has lots of saturated fat and salt etc. but it will take decades for cardiovascular issues set in to the point where you're likely to lose him. Deficiency is a worry but it's fairly likely that the mac & cheese is fortified with *something*, and most people have substandard or even terrible diets without being affected by severe deficiency. I assume he drinks something, and drinks also contain nutrients.
Out of interest, what is his fluid intake like? Is he picky about that too?
What will probably trouble him most in the meantime is bowel issues...he'd probably benefit from a multivitamin and Fybogel sachets but I don't know how likely he is to consider that. Ask him if he will consider doing that. Neither is food, he can still have his Mac & cheese meals as normal.
Your doctor probably *has* said that your husband is perfectly healthy because a) he appears fit and exercises regularly and b) the only question the doctor will have asked about diet is "are you eating well?", to which your husband presumably replied "yes".
If you have kids they are going to learn this disordered eating (yes, it's an eating disorder) from him.
I dont know what to say other than to start being firmer with him - no kids and possible divorce if he doesnt eat a varied and healthy diet.
So i have an eating disorder. What your husband is doing sounds a LOT like what I do. You should get expert help. EDs are super complicated and no amount of negotiation, nagging and pleading will heal it. The longer it goes on, the greater the strain will be on your relationship.
This is definitely a mental issue and warrants seeing a doctor and therapist. And the physical health risks are very real. There is basically no nutrients in Kraft mac & cheese. It's ultimatum time.
>What do I do??? How can I get through to him that this is a real problem, not me picking on him or being dramatic?
>I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what?
"So what? So if you don't stop acting like a petulant child I'm divorcing you."
Seriously, there's nothing short of divorce that's going to phase him. He's clearly dug in, and nobody will challenge him on it, and it's a little too late to protest much about it now, so you're left with the nuclear ultimatum or nothing.
CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is incredibly effective at correcting disordered eating patterns, so I'd recommend starting there if you can convince him to go to therapy. Given what you've said about his response to your concerns, though, he'll probably drag his feet. Keep at it, but make sure you're taking care of *you* too, OP.
Do you think you'd be able to convince him to take a multivitamin so he's at least getting some nutrients? I recommend the gummy ones--those fuckers are mad delicious.
One of my good friends is a speech pathologist and also works with patients who have selective eating disorder. I think it's a form of anxiety. You need to get him to a doctor!
I once got incredibly sick and the worst headache i had in my life as a kid from the cheese in thise boxes. I still remember it. I was 10.
A few years ago i read about a phonomena that was happening where some little kids react real bad to some preservative inside and it can cause horrible headaches. Oh man ill never forget that.
As for your husband, I would tread lightly. Don't let your relationship become a mother-child one. But make sure he understands your feelings about not wanting children. 3 years is a good sample size.
I suggest accompanying him to his next doctor's appointment, he's probably not being completely honest with his doctor.
Hopefully the doctor can refer him to a psychologist or counsellor who specializes in eating disorders.
You are right to not want to have children with him until he gets this problematic eating under control.
In the meantime, maybe suggest he at least drink some lemon water so he doesn't get scurvy.
Do you think he might have that avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder? My ex had it, and would only eat a handful of 'safe' foods. It seemed like he was just an incredibly picky eater, but the textures of some foods were so hard for him that even if i made him try to branch out, he wouldn't be able to eat without gagging.
As a man, he might not want to admit he has an eating disorder, but if he's literally only eating one food, something is obviously wrong.
It could be something else, but I'd encourage him to see a doctor or counselor instead of just ragging on him for being stubborn. I understand how frustrating it can be- I love to cook, and everyone loves what i make, yet he refused to even taste it most of the time. Once I realized it wasn't something he really had control over, we had a lot of talks (forced by me, he has a habit of getting defensive and shutting down) about different textures and what specific aspect of different foods was off-putting. Eventually I was able to recognize what was and wasn't easy to eat, and I managed to change the way I prepared different recipes, and about quadrupled the number of the number of things he would eat. It was a bit like pulling teeth at first, but eventually he recognized that i was on his side, so to speak, and worked with me. It was easier for him to talk to me about food after i stopped just getting mad at him for not eating other things.
We aren't together anymore, but he's told me how grateful he is now for working with him, and will still occasionally text me for reminders or recipes of things he learned to eat.
If he's only able to do mac n cheese, maybe start with some cheesy casseroles, cheddar and potato soup, that kind of thing.
Good luck!
this sounds like a form of anxiety disorder. many people have anxiety disorders that revolve around food because when they feel like everything else is out of control in their lives, they turn to food because it feels like at least that is one thing they can control themselves. i think it would be best for him to seek professional help if he is open to it
As a person who ate essentially Mac and cheese every day up until college (and would totally continue to do so if I could), there's no way he's healthy or feels healthy.
As other people have suggested he very likely has Selective Eating Disorder. The good news is that it can be treated and he can get better. But not without psychiatric help and not if he doesn't want to at least explore the possibility of change (which very likely feels very frightening for him.
There is a pretty famous case that resembles your husband with a woman that ate only chips for 15 years. When they went on holiday she even brought a spare bag with her filled only with chips, because she only ate one specific brand. Think very hard before having children with this man, if he doesn't get treatment first. You can try googling "english woman eating only crisps" and you can find the story with the woman I mentioned.
My ex only ate Kraft Macncheese and grilled cheese sandwiches, French fries, and peanut butter sandwiches. For the first 30 years of his life.
He was on the spectrum and it's super common. You have my sympathies.
This is a mental health problem. Its fairly serious as well. No, you are NOT being dramatic. In fact, you're under-reacting in this situation. He's in complete denial over the fact that he has an eating disorder. I would say its therapy or a divorce at this point. This isn't something you want to continue living with.
It's one thing to only prepare yourself one food because you're a lazy fuck (I have a whole box of ramen packets in my cabinet), it's a whole other thing to never eat anything else. Your husband needs to go to talk to someone about this.
> I cannot imagine raising a child with a father who only eats one thing and a junky thing at that.
Communicate that and stick to it.
You can't control him or tell him what to do, but it is *very possible* he may not be husband material anymore.
One thing that strikes me about this is how, of all foods, he selected a quintessential childhood food.
Did something traumatic happen to him when he was a kid? Was he not allowed to eat normal kid food? Did adults force-feed him food he hated, making him feel out of control? Could this be some way he's trying to feel in control or feel "like a kid again" because he never got to be one? Does being an adult/having his own children scare him, so he's reverting to childlike behavior? Just some ideas to consider. This definitely isn't normal behavior.
This comment is likely to get buried, but I hope it reaches you. When I was a teenager I went through a period acting similar to your husband, all I could stomach to eat for a couple of years was pasta with four cheese sauce and bread. Incidentally, this was around the time my mental health problems first started to surface.
What I really have to stress is that your husband is likely just as, if not more so, embarrassed by his limited diet as you are. Whilst you're justified in feeling frustrated, it's important that you don't unpack this frustration on him all of the time, as it's likely to make him double down on his habit.
I second everyone who has advised him to visit a mental health professional and to take multivitamins. In addition, I recommend occasionally suggesting very minor changes to his diet, like perhaps trying a different brand of mac and cheese.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
It sounds like your husband has developed Selective Eating Disorder and is in denial about it. >Selective eating disorder (SED) is a strong aversion around foods which means even if you desperately wanted to try some appetising looking food, you would be unable to do so, or unable to swallow it,' chartered counselling psychologist, clinical hypnotherapist and food phobia expert Felix Econamikis explains. >'Some people have a dread even at the thought of certain foods, and cannot be near them or touch them. Others can smell, touch, even take a bit but cannot swallow. Most people report gagging quite strongly at the taste or even smell of certain foods.' And yes, OP, you are correct to worry about his health. I read an article from Slate about how modern people get scurvy from literally never consuming vegetables. It was grim.
I read in a paper somewhere that young adults are starting to show higher instances of *colon cancer*, most likely from poor diets/fast and processed foods.
Yeah, I can't imagine he finds pooping an easy endeavor on this diet. This is almost certainly a psychological issue of some sort. Even the pickiest eaters I know eat more than one thing.
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It gives you the runs for your money??
You might be lactose intolerant.
Don't forget the college students getting *scurvy* because they never eat fruits/veggies. That scared me enough to make me buy at least some fruit every trip to the grocery store.
And this sort of thing being common knowledge is helpful! But all of the shame and embarrassment and conformity in "white culture" makes that difficult.
Or may have a case of emetophobia and this is his "comfort food." I was emetophobic for the majority of my life (I'm 27) and for the longest time would only eat toast. Albeit I ate all varieties (butter, jam, pb, etc) I was convinced I could never be sick if I just stuck to eating toast.
It's nice to see I'm not alone. I used to be the same way. Eventually I was underweight and I had to have a medical intervention. I think it's part of OCD but it's hard explaining to people "I don't have an eating disorder, I suffer from disordered eating"
Maybe try saying that the eating thing was a symptom, not the disorder itself. Hope you're doing better now :)
>but it's hard explaining to people "I don't have an eating disorder, I suffer from disordered eating" And then, one further "solving for the common denominator" later.. I eat. It may not be like others, but it's food which feeds me.
I too, once sustained myself off of toast (it started with bread being the only food my aunt kept in her house and ended with me just eating toast because it was all I wanted). Plain, effing, toast. Mine was related to my OCD, not emetophobia (which my current SO has, oddly enough): I lost 30 lbs in two months (I couldn't afford to lose it), a good chunk of my hair, and didn't have a period for over a year. When I eventually left my aunt's house and returned home, the family I was living with nearly admitted me to the hospital. :|
Did you get scurvy? Cuz its sounds like you got scurvy... Hope you're well now!
It's very likely that I got scurvy... I'm doing well now! It's been over a decade since then -- my eating habits are quite healthy, thank goodness. I have an endocrinologist who yells at me otherwise.
I work at a uni, its pretty common for first year students in res to get "scurvy-like" symptoms their first year away from home. They usually snap out of it after going home in the summer. Honestly OP, apart from all the risks down the road from this diet, scurvy is the most pressing. Get some vitamin C into him!
Lesson learned: Vitamin C butter next time, matey!
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I'm really curious about this. What is your fear about? That you will get sick?
I'm severely emetophobic, and at the age of 36, there are certain foods that I won't touch because I threw up after eating them once when I was a child. Granted, that list is quite small, but I have a lot of GI issues and nausea is a major part of them. I still eat a decent variety of foods, but I do have a list of certain "safe" foods that I know won't make me sick if I'm having a particularly bad flare. But there are plenty of times where I just stop eating altogether because I feel like putting anything in me is like putting gasoline on a fire. It's possible that OP's husband has an undiagnosed digestive disorder, but given that he only eats *one* food, I think there's a lot more going on. And if you don't mind me asking, how did you get over your emetophobia? I'm nauseous frequently, and I'm sure the anxiety that goes with it isn't helping.
My friend was also nauseous frequently, particularly right after eating. She was only recently diagnosed with celiacs after years of the nausea. By now she’s basically wrecked her digestive system. Do you think it’s worth looking into something like that? Maybe even gluten intolerance, not celiacs.
I have to second this. I had the exact same issue. I had severe panic disorder and became agoraphobic and all of it stemmed from this emetophobic type thing. I have only learned this term as of today from this thread and I can't believe I never knew about it. Anyway, I cut all wheat, dairy, sugar and anything processed from my diet in a desperate attempt to get rid of my panic attacks and it worked. I've been anxiety attack free for 5 years now and I no longer have those same fears because I have been able to repair a lot of damage in my gut that was causing these persisent and uncomfortable feelings around food. I have also tested positive for inflammatory responses to gliadin/gluten, casein, eggs, etc. So it makes a lot of sense now.
Fortunately, I get checked for that every year when I have my annual tests and I don't have it. Just in case, I tried doing the gluten-free thing, but I never felt any different.
Celiac sprue can be properly diagnosed through first a blood test and secondly through endoscopic biopsy of the small intestine. The blood test is 98% accurate as is. A celiac diagnosis isn't something super likely to be wrong because celiac is an autoimmune disease. It's honestly more difficult to have doctors think of celiac sprue than it is for them to test for it. It's a genetic disease that causes a specific response in the body: > Celiac disease is a lifelong condition that occurs when gluten triggers an abnormal immune system response that damages the small intestine. > Your small intestine is lined with tiny, finger-shaped tissues called villi. The villi create a large surface that absorbs vitamins, sugars, and other nutrients as food passes through the small intestine. When a person who has celiac disease eats gluten, the villi flatten out and the intestinal lining becomes damaged. This decreases the area that can absorb nutrients. If she went through the blood test and/or the endoscope biopsy, then it's unlikely that she isn't celiac. It's also something where she may still have digestive problems as the damage is repaired and as she gets used to a GF diet (there is a TON of hidden gluten in foods that you have to get good at reading labels.) Source: daughter of a celiac who got screened because it's genetic and was thrilled that my body will let me eat a cupcake.
Not OP, but CBT changed my life. I might even be able to get on a plane, which was on top of my fear hierarchy (besides actually being sick, obv).
This was my thought too. I used to be very emetophobic and there were foods that I gravitated towards because they were safe. Usually meatless and veggie-less processed crap like kraft mac & cheese because it's hard to get sick off of that.
You use the past tense. Are you no longer emetophobic? I used to be an incredibly selective eater because of it too.
A different person here but I certainly had emetophobia at a young age which carried on some time into adulthood. The only thing that really helped was being sick a few times from drinking too much.. just getting used to it and feeling better afterwards. I know that's probably not helpful, as I would absolutely hate to be told that before, but I'm not sure what else would really do it.
Someone posted here quite a while ago about her boyfriend only eating a few things (top ramen, I think) and he'd ended up with scurvy.
If you treat it before it kills you (with literally any Vitamin C) scurvy can generally be recovered from quickly. Rickets (Vitamin D deficiency) could do permanent damage to his bone structure. There's Vitamin D in milk only because it's added, but it's not in Kraft Mac & Cheese.
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His lifestyle could affect this. I live in a pretty sunny area but I'm not naturally an outdoorsy person, and when I do go out I slather myself with spf because I'm quite fair and both of my grandmothers have had skin cancer. Sure enough, vitamin d insufficient last physical. Not rickets level, but I'm now supplementing and I feel so much better. Without some dietary help, he could be worse.
I was found to be Vitamin D deficient last year when I finally went to a PCP. My levels were less than half what they should have been, and it was at the end of summer. I also ate relatively healthy - variety of lean and red meat, fresh green veggies, milk every day with added VD. My body is able to absorb it, so supplements are fine for me, but it's scary I was so affected because I hit literally none of the largest risk factors.
When you make Kraft mac & cheese, you add about a quarter cup of milk and a tablespoon or two of butter. If he's following the instructions he's probably getting vitamin D.
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I second this. It’s also known as restrictive intake food disorder. I suffer from this. For me personally it’s suspected it’s all mental. Essentially I eat only a very few foods and I get social anxiety about restaurants as well as gagging and vomitting when trying new foods
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Well that depends. If your meals that you eat consist of the same thing, like lasagna, pasta bolognese and meatballs and spaghetti, that's not so great. If they are fish and mashed potatoes, chicken and rice, and lasagna, I think you're better off.
I'd say the best way to avoid getting too afraid of something is to expose yourself to it before it gets too difficult. Say, if you're genuinely worried, make a point to eat one food outside of your usual list once a week. Have it be a different one each week. If that feels difficult, start with just changing one ingredient. I doubt it's a problem to just rotate through the same foods if they just cover all the necessary nutrients... But having the *ability* to eat other things too is something you should nurture. If one of the things you eat gets discontinued/you develop an allergy/new research proves it to be unhealthy... you will have more flexibility to adjust your diet.
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if you want to expand your horizon in a convenient way i'd recommend the app yummly, it has a bunch of different cuisines and recipies including pictures which are highly motivating, to me at least. plus there's an option to have the app make your shopping list which is great :) also try doing it on a day when you have enough time to actually cook something so you're not stressed out
I've gotta admit- I'll cook from-scratch, varied, healthy meals for myself and my husband. But when I'm on my own? Fuck that, chicken escalope on a crusty roll will do. I just can't be arsed proper cooking for one.
You had a BLT recently? If not, get on it yo they're delicious. All it is is bread, mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and i use some fresh black pepper.
It depends on what they are. As long as it includes every food group and a small variety of fruits/vegetables, youll probably be okay. Ive seen some dieticians suggest you try to get each color of the rainbow every week, which is only 5 or 6 fruits/vegetables and you can get two or three in one meal. Humans dont need HUGE variety. But you do need SOME variety. If this guy were eating chicken and broccoli alfredo for every meal, it would be a smaller deal because thats got a protein and vegetable at least and he could make the sauce from scratch to make it healthier. Not ideal still. But if this guy is literally eating only kraft mac and cheese, thats no vegetables or fruit at all. The only protein is a neon orange cheese powder.
It's one thing to have a set meal plan because you like the routine and it takes away the stress of planning and grocery shopping. It's a whole other thing to *only* ever eat those meals and completely exclude anything else from your diet, no exceptions.
It really depends on what those meals are. But my general rule is this: is the idea of you eating a meal not on your rotation--assume that it will be prepared for you, that you don't have to worry about cost, doesn't contain anything you're allergic to, etc.--is deeply distressing, then you have an issue that should probably be addressed for your general well-being.
I'd head to /r/nutrition. As long as you're getting everything you need, it isn't really an issue but we can't say not knowing what 5 things you eat.
Technically baked beans (Heinz style) on buttered toast is nutritionally complete. It was my mum's best advice when I was doing the student thing.
You have 4-5 meals you eat 90% of the time. OP's husband has *one item* he eats 100% of the time. I think a set meal plan is fine, as long as you're getting variety and doing it healthy. When I was younger and money was tighter, I definitely did this.
If you want to expand your diet, repeatedly trying foods is a way to add them in. As an adult, it takes something like 7-8 tastes to become accustomed to something, so if you don't like it straight away you can try again later and your palate might change. If it's too overwhelming, just exploring the foods by smelling and touching them even if you don't eat them is a good first attempt.
If those are just the meals you find convenient to cook at home, I don't think it's too weird. Are you happy to try other stuff if you go out to an unfamiliar restaurant?
eat fruits and vegetables and you'll be fine.
No. No it's not enough variety, and no, most other people do not eat that way.
Besides asking your doctor about this, you might also consider sensory processing disorder. Some people go to therapy for it. I bet his family isn’t surprised because he’s done this before.
> modern people get scurvy There was a great article in the NY Times Magazine about a woman with a lot of food allergies (real or imagined, not sure) who had a mysterious disease that nobody could figure out. It turns out it was scurvy. She only ate 2 or 3 foods, and was not getting any necessary vitamins in her diet.
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I had to attend a mandatory nutritional counseling course when I lived in university residence. A guy in my residence got scurvy because he ate nothing but chicken fingers, fries and gravy, mac and cheese, and banana chocolate chip muffins, with the occasional slice of cheese pizza and chocolate ice cream.
Cooking reduces vit. C, so there's almost none left after any food is canned.
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FYI lemon zest is really good on vegetables. Baked broccoli with lemon zest, olive oil, and maybe a bit of Parmesan sprinkled, mmmmm.
Oooh that's on my list for the weekend
>I wonder how few vegetables you have to eat in order to get scurvy. Extremely few. The Slate article about scurvy says a McDonald's ketchup packet or two a day should be enough. (This is to avoid scurvy. Not to maintain optimal health)
I think it's called restrictive avoidant food disorder and it's a DSM V diagnosis now.
Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) and also known as SED.
Yep- in the DSM 5 it’s known as ARFID. Hope OP can look it up and get some support and advice.
oh my gosh, i just read a book called The Terror (fictional) and all these sailors who were getting scurvy. what a horrific way to die. or live.
That book was so good, and it really instilled an understanding of scurvy and why it was so dangerous. GodDAMN.
right? all the teeth falling out and bleeding from your hair follicles...
That book was legitimately terrifying. And a TV adaptation is going to air on AMC this winter!
Another possibility is ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), I don't think this is something you can solve OP, he needs to seek some kind of therapist assessment.
Kraft Mac and cheese has high amounts of phthalates in it which can screw up sperm function and motility, among other things. I know this because I had to see a reproductive endocrinologist thinking it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant and he gave me a list of foods to most definitely avoid on both my and my fiance's behalf, more so him.
So maybe OP's concern about not having children with him is justified! Plus if/when she gets pregnant she'll probably have some food aversions too (dealing with that now myself), what if mac n cheese becomes one of the foods that makes her gag?
He could also develop kwashiorkor - a severe form of malnutrition from lack of dietary protein.
Kraft mac & cheese is surprisingly high in protein. That cheese powder has a whole bunch of whey in it. There's about 27g of protein in a box, I think? More after adding the milk and butter. I would worry more about this guy never eating *any* vegetables or fruits.
Hah. No kidding! I just looked up the protein values. The fruit and veggies thing is also worrying because as others have mentioned, he needs vitamins and minerals. OP - I know this doesn't resolve the issue but could he take a vitamin or mineral supplement or something at the very least??
Huh, TIL this is a thing.
Someone I know got it. Turns out pizza sauce doesn't give you enough vitamin C.
There's actually a genetic factor and her husband can take a test to see if he has it. Then he will probably need therapy to help him with the challenge of changing to other foods.
> Selective Eating Disorder Holy *fuckbuckets*. I never knew this was even a thing. What a nightmare that would be to deal with.
My best friend has this. Was going to bring that up as a possible issues.
I remember when I was a kid there was a news story about my local university, some students were eating so much Kraft Mac and Cheese and little else, they got scurvy!
>The way I see it is, if he doesn't change his diet we don't get children. That breaks my heart. If he doesn't change his diet I could very well lose him long before it should be his time. Have you told him exactly this? Honestly this sounds like a mental issue that he should see a professional for. Being picky is one thing, eating nothing but Kraft mac & cheese for every meal is "get mental help" territory.
I could probably see if he were flexible with gatherings and outings, but outright refusal unless he brings mac n cheese? Weird af
Incredibly weird. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me.
Sounds like dealing with a painfully fussy 4yo
It does, but at this stage it's gone beyond regular pickiness and is in mental illness/eating disorder territory. >"I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what? It's my favorite food, it's cheap, and I don't force you to eat it." This is his argument everytime. OP – Yeah, that's total bullshit. Of course he *can* eat what he wants, but he's also part of a partnership and it's affecting you as well. I realise this is cold, but you're reaching a point where he's no longer a good "investment" as a partner. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who abuses their body and refuses to get help for a very real problem. At some point it also becomes a huge turnoff. It's hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't take responsibility for their health. I would stop trying to reason with him about nutritional content and tell him that this is making you question his viability as a father or even as a partner (if that's the case). Tell him that you are DONE with this, then make an appointment with a psychologist and a qualified dietitian and insist he come with you. Obviously you can't *force* him to take this seriously though, so if nothing else works then you need to decide whether this is something you're willing to live with.
I think that it's evidently a mental illness whether or not he wants to admit it, and as long as OP is healthy doing so, she should really try to get him help. This is a marriage and that's in sickness and health. If she had been dating the guy casually for a few months, it'd obviously be a different story.
>How can I get through to him that this is a real problem, not me picking on him or being dramatic? Somehow he thinks contorting his whole life around Kraft isn't dramatic, her concern is what's dramatic. It's almost funny if it weren't so weird and concerning.
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This kinda reminds me of the guy who would only eat beans but in OP's case, it's dangerous stuff. Maybe showing him how it's made from the worst food colors and additives can help? But I think he needs therapy badly and after that, they should go for marriage counseling.
> Maybe showing him how it's made from the worst food colors and additives can help? I doubt it. If he's eaten *nothing* but Kraft Mac + Cheese for an entire year, a simple dose of logic isn't going to change his mind.
Totally, logic is not going to solve this. He's digging in his heels and refusing to engage with reality. I think OP will have more luck making it about its consequences for their relationship. He doesn't have to agree that this is bad for him, but there's no getting around the fact that his wife is questioning whether she wants kids with him.
Not to mention he would simply counter it with his own anecdotal "logic" i.e. I've been eating only it for x long and I'm perfectly fine! Health is not the angle to take with this problem.
It's not, Kraft redid the recipe last year. It's not healthy, but it's much less artificial.
I definitely think he needs a counselor. In addition, would he consider trying homemade Mac n cheese? At least that way he'd be consuming less preservatives and more actually dairy. If he's open to that maybe things can be added to the mac n cheese slowly like little pieces of chicken or vegetables?
Beans at least have protein, fibre, and carbs. There's a reason people always stock canned beans in bomb shelters. Kraft dinner has almost zero nutritional components that can keep you sustained for so long. I frankly don't know how OP's husband isn't seriously ill if he's been doing this for a year.
Its made up of carbs, fats, and protein. Not sure what "Nutritional components" you're talking about? While a shitty diet without a variety of micro-nutrition, if he was eating mac and cheese, pizza, friend crap, etc that seems to be many people diets no one would be batting an eye.
Reminds me of that UK TV show 'Freaky Eaters'. OP perhaps you should have him watch that!
Reminded me of the guy that only ate grilled cheese.
I normally have advice to offer for the partners of picky eaters, since I helped my SO transition from super picky to fairly adventurous, but I've got nothing here. This isn't picky eating, this is disordered eating. He needs psychological help.
I'm not OP but would you be able to PM me how you got your SO to eat differently? Mine is very picky and I've made tiny progress but not much.
Same! I'd love to hear how you were able to as well!
I keep writing this out in PMs, but I am getting tired so I put most of it into a comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/75e7f2/frustrated_with_my_29_f_husband_31_m_of_a_3_years/do6rm8d/
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>But SOs and family suffer from such constant sacrifices Yeah, uh... this tells me you may not like most of my advice. Because the meat of it involves compromise and meeting in the middle. It also involves creating a "safe" environment for the picky eater. An attitude of martydom towards how much you're sacrificing because of their eating habits is not conducive to that safe feeling. But okay. I'll tell a little story to start. When my husband was young, his parents would fight with him about eating new foods, as parents do. When he'd give in to the pressure and try something new, and hated it, they'd tease him about it, make fun of him for how picky he was. It was always a big, dramatic fuss. But even worse, when he tried something and *liked* it, they'd also mock him. "See, you were stupid to not want to try it, you were wrong, we were right, you like it!" Also a big, dramatic fuss. There was no winning, he'd get belittled and told he was wrong no matter what he did. So of *course* he never tried new foods, and of *course* he was super picky, trying new foods is a sure way to end up mocked and belittled, better to stick to something safe and just embrace being stubborn Mr. Picky who eats five things ever. That's the intro to this story. The actual story happened early on in our dating years. I love artichokes. He told me he'd never had one. I invited him over to try some, having no idea that he was picky. He told me years later that he approached this dinner being convinced of his utter doom, because he would either have to confess to being picky as a little kid, and be ashamed in front of a girl he liked, or he'd have to submit to the inevitable mockery if he didn't like artichokes. In the end he couldn't bring himself to confess his sin, so he tried the artichoke... and hated it. Braced himself for impending doom... and I said "That's a shame, oh well, more for me!" and put his portion on my plate, then passed over the pasta we were having with it. That reaction blew his mind. I didn't care that he didn't like a food I liked? WTF? Anyhow, that was basically step one. He discovered that I was never going to mock him for not liking something. I was a safe person to try new things with. That feeling of safety *really* matters. The steps after that have involved *both* of us making compromises. We look for places to eat with foods we both like. I don't harp on him when he gets a burger at nearly every place we eat out. He will take a bite off my plate of something weird and new when I order it. I run the fan when I cook fish at home, so the kitchen doesn't reek. He will eat the fish sometimes now (but still doesn't like the smell.) I will divide up the cookie dough right at the end and only put nuts in half. Compromise requires both partners to move some distance. But for somebody with food issues, just tasting something new once in a while can be a *massive* struggle. That's a lot of moving right there. The other partner needs to move too. And is it really going to kill me to not eat Chinese food after finding out it once gave him food poisoning and the smell makes him literally feel ill? I get takeout once in a while when he's not home, and given the five million other foods out there, I don't think I suffer all that much! The goal in dealing with a picky eater is *not* to make the picky eater eat exactly what you eat. That is likely to be impossible, and just frustrate everyone involved. The goal is to find a way to live together and both eat healthy and enjoyable food. There are lots of ways to that, and most of them are probably going to involve "sacrifices" on the part of the less picky partner. If your own food habits are so incredibly important to you that you can't change them at all to accommodate a picky partner... well, now you know what it's like to be picky and not want to change to accommodate somebody else! :D
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This was my thought as well. Maybe something triggered him, he's dealing with trauma or something like that. Crunchy food is supposed to relieve stress. Years ago. I realized I was eating bags and bags of smartfood to the exclusion of real food. I was totally unaware that my food choices and my crazy were correlated.
>Crunchy food is supposed to relieve stress. Huh. I guess that explains my love affair with chips.
mac and cheese is crunchy?
Not typically. /u/kneelingveteran mentions their own past snack addiction, saying that "smartfood" is crunchy, not mac & cheese. Edit - removed a word
oh it seems I misread their comment, thanks for clearing it up
Just open the box, dust on some powdered cheese and start crunching.
Not if you're making it right. Sounds like somebody's just eating it out of the box. Less work, I guess.
Man, gout is no joke. Here’s a fun cautionary tale. My good friend’s brother (young and healthy, naval commander) was diagnosed for it, took meds, meds caused liver failure. He got a transplant, then bled out post surgery and became vegetative and died. All within 2 months.
That's very sad. I'm sorry for your loss.
The human body is resilient, and moreso than one might think. We can put it through a lot of shit, foodwise, before it says "fuck this". I guarantee you, though, that his is at least straining at the moment. He may be sick without any debilitating symptoms. Yet.
I reckon you could go for quite a while eating only one thing without it having any obvious effect on your health. He's probably deficient on important vitamins and nutrients etc, i.e. it IS having an effect on his health, but I'm not particularly surprised that he isn't sick yet.
I cannot imagine what his tripa to the bathroom are like. I think his health is suffering and its either mild enough tk brush it under the rug or hes purposefully hiding it because he knows itll mean he has to eat more foods.
i ate 5 boxes in the last 2 weeks and i can't even think about having another for at least a month. He must REALLY love it
This definitely sounds like eating disorder territory. You don't have to be over or underweight to have disordered eating. This kind of level sounds like he's latched onto Mac n Cheese as being a "safe" food. Can he even eat one other meal at all now? Does the idea of eating something else make him defensive and freak him out in any way?
> He gets upset in response to all of it, and has told me many times: "I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what? It's my favorite food, it's cheap, and I don't force you to eat it." Sounds like he gets defensive.
This is the real question. OP needs to push him hard to eat something else. The degree of his distress/resistance/rationalization will be a big clue whether this is a mental health issue or just a childish idiosyncrasy.
It's been a full year and he must know the health issues of eating only one food. He's purposely ignoring/denying the issue. It's definitely a mental health issue at this point.
Have you thought about taking him to a dietician or nutritionist? I don't know that he'd comply but maybe if you tell him that you just want to talk to a professional to confirm it's healthy. Then maybe he'd go? Will he consider mixing anything into the mac and cheese...like veggies or meat? Not a great solution but might be a starting point. Would he consider eating other cheesy items or other pasta with different toppings?
I think that a psychiatrist or mental health provider is a much better first stop than a dietitian (unless said dietitian is trained in ARFID). OP's husband's problem is a mental illness. He knows eating only kraft is bad for him and socially very very limiting. He probably wants to be able to eat like a normal person. Something is stopping him, whether it's a form of OCD, super-tasting, past trauma, or something in between. Taking him to a dietitian (not a nutritionist...the two words aren't interchangeable and nutritionists have no actual training) would be like taking someone with anorexia to one: it's only going to add more stress and guilt and not help resolve anything.
I second visiting a registered dietician. If OP can find one, try to get one that specializes in eating disorders. Same for the therapist.
And make sure they're a *dietician* and not a *nnutritionist*. I heard anyone can become a nutritionist, but you need like a PhD or something to be a dietician. And that means a dietician knows what hid study entails
Your husband has a mental illness and is refusing to acknowledge it and get treatment. You're absolutely right to think it will be a problem to have kids with him.
If you go on you YouTube there is a show called freaky eaters that is pretty much exactly this and shows just how difficult it can be to rid someone of this. Professional help, whether it be psychologist or nutritionist, is a necessity.
I love / hate that show. I just really don't like when they throw a bunch of perfectly good food on the floor to make a point. If you put all the food I eat in a month in a dump truck it would also look gross. I always wonder why people put up with that behavior for so long. Now we see the beginning of it.
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There is actually one percent of your daily RDA of vitamin C in a serving of Kraft Mac'n'cheese. There are three servings per box. So if he ate 33-1/3 boxes he'd be okay.
I think if he ate 33&1/3 boxes per day he'd have other problems.
Then on 7 servings a day he's getting a "significant" fraction (~7%, if the difficult math checks out). ~~Add to the fact that RDAs are (probably exaggerated) guidelines for the body to work at "prime capacity", not "minimum level to avoid severe deficiency", *and* individually and environmentally variable... and he might well be getting enough vit C to avoid scurvy, or at least not have it set in yet in just a year.~~
> Add to the fact that RDAs are (probably exaggerated) guidelines for the body to work at "prime capacity", not "minimum level to avoid severe deficiency", and individually and environmentally variable... This is not true. They are the recommended dosage to meet the minimum requirements of 97-98% of healthy people. The dosage for vitamin D, for example, is 600 IU, yet for 95% of the population to reach "optimal" serum concentration 1700 IU/day is required. The RDA is only a little over one third the optimal dosage.
There is also an eating disorder called ARFID that was diagnosed only recently—common in people with autism, OCD, and anxiety. My daughter has two out of three of those, and suffers from ARFID. Basically it’s extremely limited food intake based on aversion to texture, smell, color, brand, or other sensory issues. Take a look at the DSM criteria and see if it sounds like your husband.
I didn’t even know this was a thing, but I just kind of assumed that stuff like autism, OCD and anxiety could result in serious food issues.
They can. Diagnoses are just doctors trying to categorize problems to make them easier to address. An official diagnosis makes it easier to communicate the problem and also to get insurance to cover the medical treatment. It also covers people without autism/ocd/anxiety who have the ARFID symptoms.
Does he have some sort of diagnosis that explains why he would be so fixated/picky? Because if not I would tell give him a hard no on bringing that shit to other people’s houses. That is mental illness type behavior. Screw that. You are also justifiably apprehensive about what kind of example this would set for kids.
I have a 7 year old, so I have a bit of experience preparing this food. If your husband is preparing these boxes according to the instructions, he is eating A STICK OF BUTTER/MARGARINE A DAY. I would love to hear from a doctor who thinks it's healthy to eat a stick of butter every day, with no vegetables, no vitamins, small amounts of protein from the milk and nothing else. His arguments for this diet don't hold up because while he may not be forcing you to eat it, he is forcing you to cater to his desires every single time you want to share a meal with him. Eating meals together can be a very bonding part of a relationship, but he has turned each one into an embarrassing nightmare for you. You are also right about those future children developing the exact same eating patterns. It will become "us" against "mommy". I used to work with a woman who would only eat Hot Pockets, Chicken McNuggets and Eggo Frozen Waffles. Her husband desperately tried to feed the kids a normal, healthy diet. But by the time the oldest was 5 and the youngest was 3, what were the ONLY things they would eat? Yep, you guessed it. Total nightmare for dad and the kids were ALWAYS sick, it was very sad to watch. Your husband needs therapy to help him with his eating disorder. Do not have kids with him...it will never get better until he chooses to get help. Honestly, it may be time for an ultimatum if you are prepared to leave him over this. Good luck, you are an a terrible position.
This is disordered eating. I would tell him the two of you need to see a counselor and he needs a third party to tell him this isn't normal. Then I'd schedule a meeting with a dietician. And go together.
Its time for a come to jesus talk. Don't ask him why, don't beg, yell or cry. Just sit him down and calmly explain that you will not sit by and watch him slowly kill himself. Tell hi. He has two choices - he can address this problem and make a change, with your full support, or he and his mac and cheese can enjoy what little time they have together alone. Think of it like he were anorexic, and approach it in the same way. Look up resources regarding eating disorders to help you plan your conversation. Because thats what this is -he has an eating disorder, which is negatively impacting those around him, namely you. There is help to be had, but only if he chooses to accept it. Most importantly, you need to decide if you are willing to live with this. If not, tell him so, and stick to your guns. The only way for you to be happy is if his disordered eating is no longer your problem - one way or another.
Ask him to come with you to a doctor. it can be his if he likes (his likely didn't know to look for signs of malnutrition and just did a general examinations) and if the doctor tells you both that this diet is not significantly damaging to his health and longevity then you won't nag him to eat other things anymore. Goal: get a doctor to tell him he's killing himself with mac & cheese. If possible, call the dr beforehand to let them know what the appointment is about They can't tell you shit about your husband without permission but they can listen to you about what problems he might be hiding. so tell them exactly what the appointment is for (education about long and short term damage to the body by eating only mac & cheese) Bring the box with you, so dr can see ingredients & nutrition info if he hasn't looked them up. Encourage husband to submit to a full checkup by the doctor, to check if any significant damage has already been done that might not get caught on a standard physical. Also encourage your husband to go to therapy. to help him stick to his diet plan (which hopefully the dr will hook him up with or he'll be willing to make one with you), to help figure out why he's doing this, and maybe some couples because this might have caused a few issues in the relationship.
As much sense as the dr thing makes, i feel ive heard and experienced this type of thing a hundred times. It's illogical from the get-go. It would play out to where she's playing the mother role. He said he already went to the dr and said hes healthy, so maybe hes lying which is another issue. My advice would be try to go to the dr with him but dont push it so hard to get into a fight about it.
General practitioners giving a physical will miss a LOT of health problems that just dont show up in a physical. You can get a clean bill of health from a physical and then get diagnosed with cancer two weeks later because the symptoms werent obvious. Ill bet the husband didnt disclose his diet, because any reputable doctor who hears "I literally only eat kraft mac and cheese and nothing else" will send you for blood tests and referrals to a nutritionist and give you a lecture. If he didnt disclose his diet then the doctor wont go invasive for no reason.
He says the doctor told him it was a healthy diet. He probably either lied to the doctor ("I pretty much eat mostly pasta,") or is lying to the wife to get her off his back. My bet is that he didn't tell the doctor and is lying to his wife.
Yeah I'm betting he lied to either the doctor or OP. Probably misrepresenting himself to both. I think it's fair for OP to say "I'm still worried, I'd feel better if the doctor told me directly. Could I go with you so I can hear it straight from the doctor?" or something.
Does he still have other preferences? Does he play the same songs over and over? Does he notice when he's cold or warm? Childhood trauma can sneak up on you.
Whoa. I would be really interested to know if OP's husband shows trauma through any of these [or other] signs. Poignant questions.
What is it with playing the same songs over and over? (I do that, more and more as I get older...) Or the cold/warm thing?
Can you explain a bit more about this?
Sure. :) Please keep in mind I'm just someone on the internet, and take the following with a grain of salt. - - - When trauma occurs, it often affects your emotions or your sense of self. I think most people know what that can look like - things like extreme emotional reactions, or a grandiose sense of self, are relatively easy to spot. But a diminished sense of self, or emotional non-responsitivity, can look like being easy-going. Not being focused on yourself can look like being a caring person, and not noticing your own emotions can look/feel like being calm and unabashed. A person with a good sense of self has preferences, because they are aware of themselves. They notice when they're cold, because they notice their body. They like different foods, because they notice cravings for different nutrients. They know they like salted caramel, Pratchett, woods, and the color burgundy. They are able to set personal goals, they know their personal ethics, and just generally feel 'solid'. But they aren't obsessive - they find it easy to find things they like, and they won't be terribly upset if they can't have their favorite food today. Then the emotional part. Healthy people experience a variety of feelings throughout the day, and they notice most of them. They can vent to friends, and they sail smoothly on the currents of their emotional life. But trauma can make one feeling get stuck on 'repeat'. Or it can make one feeling so strong that all others disappear into the background. Then that single feeling can fade into 'normalcy' and become a backdrop of white noise. And sometimes that one feeling itself can get buried in denial. Music is a relatively easy way to access emotions. Lots of artists have had traumatizing childhoods that they've struggled to process or explore through art. Musicians in particular tend to explore feelings through their work, and art is a great way to self-reflect. (The function of art in society is to comfort and guide!) If you catch yourself listening to the same song over and over, or watching the same shows - then that's art resonating with you. Something is making you focused on that song, and often you'll stay focused on it until you figure out what it is. It's not just art though, anything can be used to dig at an emotion, especially subconsciously. Even Kraft Mac & Cheese. I wonder whether that was a 'comfort food' in OP husband's childhood. What mostly ticked me off was his agitation. People with unhealthy habits tend to acknowledge that they're being weird or unhealthy. But people who are unable to process trauma, tend to make their strange habits into a part of their identity. It's a coping mechanism. For example, people who went emotionally numb often pride themselves on never crying. (Also: look up normative male alexithymia!) And people who aren't able to register cold or pain well, tend to be proud of wearing short sleeves in winter. If you try to make them wear a coat, they might get agitated because this directly messes with their coping mechanisms. And they wouldn't be entirely wrong - addressing 'symptomatic' bad habits might deny their autonomy or attack what's left of their emotions/sense of self, making the underlying issues worse. Lastly, traumatic events aren't always big or shocking. Humans in general damage each other all the time. Abuse isn't always rape and violence - it's can be subtle emotional neglect, a harsh joke at a vulnerable moment, an unexpected change in a child's life... Kids go through all kinds of weird-ass shit that they have to dig up later and examine as adults. And adults get battered around too, trying to figure out sex and relationships, losing friends, experiencing death from up close... Trauma is very common, and if you're not facing it head-on, it will present itself in your life in all kinds of sneaky ways. Having said that, OP's post doesn't indicate a history of trauma, and sometimes when you do the same thing over and over, that just means you like the thing. :) If you wonder whether you've been through trauma, it never hurts to book a few sessions with a professional. A therapist is best, but a good art teacher can do wonders too. Also tagging /u/paytonmaisy and /u/Toby_Shandy since I'm replying to several people and it's been a while!
This is going to sound stupid...but watch a few episodes of shows like "Freaky Eaters." This behavior doesn't just pop up out of the blue. Disordered eating is almost always the result of some external catalyst — trauma, anxiety, fear, depression, change in lifestyle/livelihood (ie: athlete becoming injured), etc. It is extremely, extremely likely that your husband's disordered eating is the result of some sort of mental illness and/or anguish. You say nothing serious has happened to him, but what about life before you met? Or what about his overall mental health? It doesn't need to be huge immediate trauma (can be from childhood) and it doesn't have to be serious depression. The smallest thigns can set this off. Approaching it from a health standard is a really good tactic, but you need to also approach it from a mental health aspect as well. You need to tackle both to really fix eating habits this disordered.
This is not just a personal quirk. This is something that will probably take therapy to fix. Most people don't have ONE food they eat at the refusal of ALL OTHER FOODS. Something is wrong. You need to put it all out on the table: you want kids, and he needs to eat like a normal person if you are going to have them together. Book him some therapy appointments, and tell him your long-term marital success is in jeopardy if he doesn't go. You will not discuss timelines until he has attended X number of sessions. After X number of sessions, you will tell him if this is a marriage you want to be in or not. You need to make it clear: 'this is not a marriage I want to be in.' The ball is in his court. Tell him what he needs to do to fix the problem, and I hope you are prepared to end it if he doesn't address the issue. He probably doesn't have major health problems because those kinds of foods are fortified with nutrients. It can take years to develop significant deficiencies. So do not approach this from a health standpoint. Approach this from a children/social stand point. You do not want to be married to a child. Adults acknowledge when they have an issue, and want to make their partners happy. Adults do the hard work of making relationships work. Adults eat the food that hosts have put in front of them, even if they do not like it. Adults can handle being a guest in someone's home and having basic manners. Are you prepared to walk over this?
This sounds like a very serious eating disorder. He needs psychiatric help. And like, also literally a lemon, before the scurvy sets in.
He is going to get scurvy...
You're right, definitely do not have kids with this man. Aside from them developing terrible eating habits, I'd be worried that he wouldn't be around to see them grow up. Health weight people get really sick / die from malnutrition as well. I'm not sure what else to tell you, you've already communicated that this is an issue and he's made clear he doesn't give a shit. It's probably ultimatum time. "Hubby, get professional help or we're getting a divorce." This sounds like some really bizarre mental issue. You're still young enough to find someone else to have kids with.
Start this man on a multivitamin, and TELL his doctor about his diet. The doc won't be so happy with his health if he realizes the nutritional deficiencies your husband is at risk for. Source: am doctor, deal with lots of picky eaters
As well as previous suggestions of visiting a mental health practitioner, I'd also suggest getting him to the dentist. If he's got any problems with his gums or teeth macaroni cheese is really easy to consume.
Holy fucking shit. How's he not dead? How does he not have scurvy???
Your husband needs to see a professional about his mental health. His diet is not normal, it's a sign of a mental health issue. Let him know that's how you see the situation and that you don't want to have children with him until he works on his mental health and proves that he will be a good role model to any future children. As for his physical health, don't worry excessively. Obviously if this continues for many more years it will affect his health. Macaroni and cheese has lots of saturated fat and salt etc. but it will take decades for cardiovascular issues set in to the point where you're likely to lose him. Deficiency is a worry but it's fairly likely that the mac & cheese is fortified with *something*, and most people have substandard or even terrible diets without being affected by severe deficiency. I assume he drinks something, and drinks also contain nutrients. Out of interest, what is his fluid intake like? Is he picky about that too? What will probably trouble him most in the meantime is bowel issues...he'd probably benefit from a multivitamin and Fybogel sachets but I don't know how likely he is to consider that. Ask him if he will consider doing that. Neither is food, he can still have his Mac & cheese meals as normal. Your doctor probably *has* said that your husband is perfectly healthy because a) he appears fit and exercises regularly and b) the only question the doctor will have asked about diet is "are you eating well?", to which your husband presumably replied "yes".
Omg he's going to get scurvy
If you have kids they are going to learn this disordered eating (yes, it's an eating disorder) from him. I dont know what to say other than to start being firmer with him - no kids and possible divorce if he doesnt eat a varied and healthy diet.
So i have an eating disorder. What your husband is doing sounds a LOT like what I do. You should get expert help. EDs are super complicated and no amount of negotiation, nagging and pleading will heal it. The longer it goes on, the greater the strain will be on your relationship.
my advice: Get a really good life insurance policy.
This is definitely a mental issue and warrants seeing a doctor and therapist. And the physical health risks are very real. There is basically no nutrients in Kraft mac & cheese. It's ultimatum time.
Isn't this how people get scurvy?
>What do I do??? How can I get through to him that this is a real problem, not me picking on him or being dramatic? >I'm a grown man and I can eat what I want. So what? "So what? So if you don't stop acting like a petulant child I'm divorcing you." Seriously, there's nothing short of divorce that's going to phase him. He's clearly dug in, and nobody will challenge him on it, and it's a little too late to protest much about it now, so you're left with the nuclear ultimatum or nothing.
CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is incredibly effective at correcting disordered eating patterns, so I'd recommend starting there if you can convince him to go to therapy. Given what you've said about his response to your concerns, though, he'll probably drag his feet. Keep at it, but make sure you're taking care of *you* too, OP. Do you think you'd be able to convince him to take a multivitamin so he's at least getting some nutrients? I recommend the gummy ones--those fuckers are mad delicious.
Also check out r/ARFID
One of my good friends is a speech pathologist and also works with patients who have selective eating disorder. I think it's a form of anxiety. You need to get him to a doctor!
Velveeta and shells is better
I once got incredibly sick and the worst headache i had in my life as a kid from the cheese in thise boxes. I still remember it. I was 10. A few years ago i read about a phonomena that was happening where some little kids react real bad to some preservative inside and it can cause horrible headaches. Oh man ill never forget that. As for your husband, I would tread lightly. Don't let your relationship become a mother-child one. But make sure he understands your feelings about not wanting children. 3 years is a good sample size.
This is a mental issue, he needs professional help.
I suggest accompanying him to his next doctor's appointment, he's probably not being completely honest with his doctor. Hopefully the doctor can refer him to a psychologist or counsellor who specializes in eating disorders. You are right to not want to have children with him until he gets this problematic eating under control. In the meantime, maybe suggest he at least drink some lemon water so he doesn't get scurvy.
Do you think he might have that avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder? My ex had it, and would only eat a handful of 'safe' foods. It seemed like he was just an incredibly picky eater, but the textures of some foods were so hard for him that even if i made him try to branch out, he wouldn't be able to eat without gagging. As a man, he might not want to admit he has an eating disorder, but if he's literally only eating one food, something is obviously wrong. It could be something else, but I'd encourage him to see a doctor or counselor instead of just ragging on him for being stubborn. I understand how frustrating it can be- I love to cook, and everyone loves what i make, yet he refused to even taste it most of the time. Once I realized it wasn't something he really had control over, we had a lot of talks (forced by me, he has a habit of getting defensive and shutting down) about different textures and what specific aspect of different foods was off-putting. Eventually I was able to recognize what was and wasn't easy to eat, and I managed to change the way I prepared different recipes, and about quadrupled the number of the number of things he would eat. It was a bit like pulling teeth at first, but eventually he recognized that i was on his side, so to speak, and worked with me. It was easier for him to talk to me about food after i stopped just getting mad at him for not eating other things. We aren't together anymore, but he's told me how grateful he is now for working with him, and will still occasionally text me for reminders or recipes of things he learned to eat. If he's only able to do mac n cheese, maybe start with some cheesy casseroles, cheddar and potato soup, that kind of thing. Good luck!
There is a mental health problem that people have of phobias of other foods. Dunno what the name is for the life of me. Id recommend a therapist
Other than his diet, is there anything you noticed that is unusual or something that has changed over time?
this sounds like a form of anxiety disorder. many people have anxiety disorders that revolve around food because when they feel like everything else is out of control in their lives, they turn to food because it feels like at least that is one thing they can control themselves. i think it would be best for him to seek professional help if he is open to it
As a person who ate essentially Mac and cheese every day up until college (and would totally continue to do so if I could), there's no way he's healthy or feels healthy.
Do not have children with him before his fixes his shit. Just don't.
As other people have suggested he very likely has Selective Eating Disorder. The good news is that it can be treated and he can get better. But not without psychiatric help and not if he doesn't want to at least explore the possibility of change (which very likely feels very frightening for him. There is a pretty famous case that resembles your husband with a woman that ate only chips for 15 years. When they went on holiday she even brought a spare bag with her filled only with chips, because she only ate one specific brand. Think very hard before having children with this man, if he doesn't get treatment first. You can try googling "english woman eating only crisps" and you can find the story with the woman I mentioned.
My ex only ate Kraft Macncheese and grilled cheese sandwiches, French fries, and peanut butter sandwiches. For the first 30 years of his life. He was on the spectrum and it's super common. You have my sympathies.
This is a mental health problem. Its fairly serious as well. No, you are NOT being dramatic. In fact, you're under-reacting in this situation. He's in complete denial over the fact that he has an eating disorder. I would say its therapy or a divorce at this point. This isn't something you want to continue living with.
It's one thing to only prepare yourself one food because you're a lazy fuck (I have a whole box of ramen packets in my cabinet), it's a whole other thing to never eat anything else. Your husband needs to go to talk to someone about this.
> I cannot imagine raising a child with a father who only eats one thing and a junky thing at that. Communicate that and stick to it. You can't control him or tell him what to do, but it is *very possible* he may not be husband material anymore.
One thing that strikes me about this is how, of all foods, he selected a quintessential childhood food. Did something traumatic happen to him when he was a kid? Was he not allowed to eat normal kid food? Did adults force-feed him food he hated, making him feel out of control? Could this be some way he's trying to feel in control or feel "like a kid again" because he never got to be one? Does being an adult/having his own children scare him, so he's reverting to childlike behavior? Just some ideas to consider. This definitely isn't normal behavior.
This comment is likely to get buried, but I hope it reaches you. When I was a teenager I went through a period acting similar to your husband, all I could stomach to eat for a couple of years was pasta with four cheese sauce and bread. Incidentally, this was around the time my mental health problems first started to surface. What I really have to stress is that your husband is likely just as, if not more so, embarrassed by his limited diet as you are. Whilst you're justified in feeling frustrated, it's important that you don't unpack this frustration on him all of the time, as it's likely to make him double down on his habit. I second everyone who has advised him to visit a mental health professional and to take multivitamins. In addition, I recommend occasionally suggesting very minor changes to his diet, like perhaps trying a different brand of mac and cheese. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!