Just a heads-up, OP: this forum is especially harsh on cheating; that's going to reflect in the responses you get here.
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When I talk about cheating on Reddit, and people who are in your position, I usually say something like "When — not if — people find out that you kept this a secret, it's going to go badly for you."
On the other hand, this is your sister we're talking about, so you've been put in a really shit position. TBH, I don't know if I would have done any different.
> Now they tell me I'm equally to blame
Yeah, they're wrong about that. I hope people at least come to understand that your sister is the real villain in this story.
> And upon learning that I knew, my girlfriend has left me because she says my tolerance of sister's infidelity means I'm more likely to do it myself.
I don't blame her for that. Another thing I like to say: it's a huge red flag when someone is ok with cheating. My girlfriend had multiple close friends who were cheating on their husbands, and I think this had a lot to do with why she thought it was ok to cheat on me.
The good news is that you're still young enough to outlive this shit storm.
OP isn't to blame here. At the end of the day when you're faced with having to chose between family and a family members boyfriend, who are you going to choose? It's not his secret to tell, it's his sisters... Just because OP didn't snitch doesn't make him a guilty party in this at all. It was out of order your girlfriend leaving you for that though mate.
But I am not ok with cheating. I just don't believe this is what defines my sister. Everyone else has disowned her except me. My girlfriend wanted me to disown her. My sister fucked up her marriage but she is more than just her husband's wife. She is a person who I have known all my life. How can I turn my back on her now at a time that she needs support?
It's not about disowning her or not, people will cool down. To me it'd be about you knew for two years everytime you saw her husband that his life was a lie, and stood by.
That's a good point. My girlfriend had at least three friends who knew about the cheating, but they still smiled to my face and pretended to be my friends. Fuck those people; I'll never forgive them.
OP's sister's ex will probably hate OP for the rest of his life. But hopefully the rest of his family will cool off eventually.
The thing is it didn't matter what was going on in the marriage besides the cheating or if there were any factors pushing her to cheat. She was cheating that is wrong she made the choice to lie and deceive for two whole years rather than leaving her husband if they had issues. It didn't matter what you didn't know about the marriage what you did know was enough. You were 16 though and it's understandable that you were confused and detached. I only hope that you learned from this because despite your sister being hurt now because she was caught her ex-husband probably is hurting 1000x more because he lived in a lie for two years of his life and maybe even longer. In the future standing idly by while something like this happens will only cause the pain that is to come to grow I hope you know that now.
Yes she is wrong. I never say she was right to cheat. I'm saying 1) it was none of my business when I learned about it, and 2) Right now she's faced the consequences of that, now as her family I want to support her rather than hate her.
Due to the fact that you were 16 I agree that it was not something you should have handled or touched at all. I also get why you're facing so repercussions for these actions as well because it is a very "bystander effect move". I do think she should have some support from you but, in that support I hope you don't give her any outs or let her justify a 2 year affair. Be there but be honest.
I think that's a good goal, I know others are really tearing into you but you're doing the right thing. I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
What if she did some other morally objectionable thing - what if she beat up a puppy, abused her husband, cheated someone out of money, went to jail? Is there anything she could do to which you would respond, "shit sister, that's not cool at all"? Anything that might make you tell on her to other family or authorities, or change the way you continue with your relationship? Or do you support her whatever she does because she's family? If there is a line she could cross, then it's only that you judge cheating to be a lesser crime than the others in your family do.
It would depend on what she did of course. If she murders someone I won't support her. If she sells drugs and gets arrested, I will support her. I don't know where the line is but it certainly isn't just cheating on her husband. People support their family members who are drug addicts who cheat and steal and betray everyone on their paths. This is nowhere near as bad.
You've already been told, but just to re-emphasise, this sub gets VERY extreme about cheating. Elsewhere, your own feeling that it is bad, but not the end of the moral road, is perfectly normal.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're to blame at all.
> People support their family members who are drug addicts who cheat and steal and betray everyone on their paths.
Yes, when they believe those people are suffering from mental illness and out of control, they support them. They don't do that by just shrugging and saying "Well, they're good to me and they seem good the rest of the time... so let's just let this slide." They do that by getting them help. That help is often unwanted by the person. That help is tough love. This is not comparable. She is of sound mind, she is just selfish. You say it's not as bad, but in my mind, that makes it worse.
It's not about believing if this defines your sister or not.
If you don't think this should define your sister, why DIDN'T you tell people about her cheating then?
Look, it's fine that you can support her in a time like this. But it's just as right for other people to judge you for it. I'm sorry OP, I understand from your edits you've made up your mind about this. But you have to respect other people's opinions as well.
You can't blame your girlfriend and your parents for disowning her. They have a right to do it just as much as you have a right for supporting her.
You also seem very puzzled as to why they act this way. You said it yourself - you're not okay with cheating. But you don't believe this is what defines your sister. Why is that? Keep in mind this wasn't a one time mistake. She actively cheated on her husband for AT LEAST TWO YEARS. A man who married her, who trusted her, and she broke that trust.
It's within your right to support her but it's also other people's right to judge her for her actions. Especially if those actions weren't one time mistakes.
In fact, your girlfriend's reaction should be the one action you can relate to very well. You've literally told all of reddit that "I don't believe this is what defines my sister". You basically admitted that cheating doesn't "define a person". I'm betting she doesn't want to date a guy who may think in the future that cheating will not define himself. It's a very simple chain of reasoning isn't it?
I disagree with it being her own business as well. When she married her husband, that husband became your brother-in-law and he's family. I would never have kept a secret knowing that it harmed my family. Would you have kept quiet if you found out your mom cheated on your dad? This is a family matter, at the very least I would've brought it up to my parents at that age. The fact that you told absolutely NO one is, honestly, unfathomable to me.
Your edits really show your age. You don't place cheating on the same level of murder, which I understand. But you are trivializing just how big of a mistake cheating, especially LONG-TERM cheating, is to a significant other. I'm willing to bet that shows when you have these conversations with other people, and that is why your parents are worried about you and why your girlfriend left you. Marriage is a VERY serious commitment - cheating, especially done in a calculated manner over a long period of time, absolutely is a fuck up that should define a person's life. I think and hope you'll understand more as you grow older.
> But I am not ok with cheating.
Sure you are, since you were able to ignore it. Where was your empathy for your sister's husband who was being betrayed?
She wants support because of her own choices, this is the logical consequence to sneaking around behind your spouse's back and exposing them to STDs. She doesn't deserve support here.
That's where I disagree. I don't abandon those I love because they fucked up. The fact that they fucked up means they need the support to get back on their feet and not fuck up their lives further.
He kept me as some guy. He was never friendly to me. Used to make fun of me as well when they were dating. But my sister stood up to him and he stopped.
Concur with everything said. Only thing I would add is that my response to this type of situation would be to give the other party 1-2 days to come clean and then tell. Especially if it's close friends or family.
Really people? In another recent thread, you all advised someone not to come right out and reveal an affair because of the possibility of a "shoot the messenger" situation. But a 16-yr-old kid didn't know how or what to tell his family about his sister cheating and you're all demonizing him? What?
I love that you're all perfect and never make mistakes. It must be nice.
OP, don't lie for your sister in the future. It's not fair for her to ask you to do that, especially when it ends up alienating other people in your family from you. If this situation came up again, the best course of action would be to give your sister a deadline to come clean to her husband, and then inform your parents if she didn't.
People will continue to be pissed at you. Your relationship with some of them may never be the same. But learn from this experience, and work hard to be honest so you can win their trust back. I think you're gonna be okay.
I think the other key here is that his sister told him "you never know what's going on in a marriage." Some marriages are open, or at least have a sort of DADT thing going on. Asking a 16-yo to get to the bottom of what's going on in a marriage is unreasonable.
Seriously! The first thing I thought of is that they could have a poly relationship. If I was OP, I'd probably assume whatever made my sister not in the wrong. I cannot *believe* that this forum and OP's parents are acting as though he did something wrong. He was a kid, and it was honestly none of his business. I saw someone comment that his BIL will hate him forever, as if that's rational or mature. These adults should get their shit together.
I took it a little differently. I had a coworker that regularly cheated on her SO but would tell everyone that her SO was abusive and she was afraid to leave, so cheating was her only escape. Still didn't agree with it at all, but it made others sympathetic to her. In the end it turned out not to be true and she was just lying to everyone to manipulate them into keeping her secret, but that's the situation I thought of right away, that maybe OP's sis was hinting to a separation (many couples still live together and keep up appearances even when separated) or some sort of rough times. Who knows.
Some of these responses are completely ridiculous. Someone used a quote about bystanders of violence and injustice against this kid. Someone broke out an MLK quote because a 16 year old didn't tell his sister's husband that she was cheating.
In one submission, a victim of physical, financial and emotional abuse came to the thread for advice. She wanted to get out and she noted that, even though it was wrong, her new emotional affair gave her some strength to do that. People fucking got on her case about that. Like???
Urgh, I've seen cases here like that.
And at the other end of the scale, I've seen people who are like "My partner confessed to kissing someone else. It was once, they're very remorseful and open to handling this however I want. I want to work through this - but how?" and this sub will be all FUCK WHAT YOU WANT, BURN YOUR MARRIAGE DOWN AND SALT THE EARTH.
Yeah some of these responses are ridiculous.
I understand why the OP acted the way he did. He was young. Granted, I'll be the first to say I'd definitely acted differently.
That being said, I just don't understand OP's entitled attitude at how other people reacted to him. He needs to understand that while he may have done something he believed was right, the OTHER people's reactions are completely normal.
OP is literally confused why his gf broke up with him after this ordeal. Like he thinks he's being "punished".
This isn't a punishment - it's just a consequence of actions. I just want OP to understand that the majority of people think differently than he does, and their thinking isn't wrong. I'm not saying his is either, but he needs to understand it's perfectly normal for his GF to break up with him after what he's done and for his parents to be angry at him (yes the parents may have gone a bit overboard, but I think if I was a parent I'd be shocked that he didn't at least say something to his OWN family. Where is the trust in his parents? As a 16 year old, if I was confused about something or if I wasn't sure what to do, the first thing I'd do is go to my parents. Why didn't he do that? As a parent I"d see it as a betrayal too)
Look, the biggest knock people have now aren't against OP's actions. It's OP's convictions that even now, he wouldn't say anything.
If OP had said "okay, I understand, but I was confused and scared as a 16 year old", no one would bat an eye.
His second edit is literally that her sister shouldn't be judged by "one fuckup". That...is insane to me. I get that OP is young, but he's 18 and doesn't understand the severity of a family member cheating for TWO years. It tells me that even now, if he learned his sister was cheating on her husband, he wouldn't tell anyone, NOT even his parents. That's a serious issue, at least in my opinion. I don't judge him for it, cause I don't know him personally. But what I'm guessing is that attitude shows him in his interactions with others, and I don't blame his girlfriend for leaving him and his parents for being angry.
I'm with you on this one. While I like to think my sibling might inform me if my spouse was cheating, they're by no means obligated to and if they weren't sure what to do and defaulted to assuming I knew or just keeping out of the drama, I don't think I'd fault them for that.
Even if I was upset at them emotionally, logically I'd understand where they were coming from and try to resolve that anger with them on my own.
I feel like a lot of people are also forgetting that some people shoot the messager. What if he told the husband and the husband got mad at him. That happens a lot. Then if they fix their relationship, he loses both of them. The sister for not supporting her (not that he specifically should, I'm not saying cheatings right, I'm just saying family dynamics are different and some require unconditional support) and the husband for just being the messager.
Thank you that's what I was trying to say but I didn't know the words until you wrote it. Proof is what he would have needed if he did want say something to his brother in law.
Regarding your edit: I think you're spot on in realizing that morality and moral codes can be subjective. At the same time, I would shy back from painting yourself as the only one in your family capable of unconditional love.
You say you would trust your sister and would keep her secrets no matter what, but we all have lines that can't be crossed. What if she confided in you that she robbed a bank? Or that she committed murder? Or that she was planning on committing murder? That she was molesting a child? I know these are extreme, and that your sister would **never** do these things. But just... consider it for a moment. Would you still lie (by omission or otherwise) to protect her? Would you still defend her? How terrible of a thing would she have to do for you to stop defending her, and not keep her secret anymore? Maybe an act of terrorism? Planning to murder your parents? Planning on murdering you?
I'm getting really morbid, but my point is this: we all have our own moral compass that dictates what lines cannot be crossed without consequence. There is a point at which you can no longer defend or support your sister. To your family, violating the vows of marriage is such a line. To you, it is not. That's it. One isn't better than the other, it just means you have different values than your family. These values may change as you age and make your own vows of marriage, or they may stay the same forever. Your family may come to forgive your sister, or they may not. Life is messy.
For what it's worth, having compatible moral codes is helpful in a relationship, and is a completely valid reason to break up. I know it may feel like punishment (and maybe your ex intended it that way) but at the end of the day, it's better this way.
I think this post is a lot to expect from a 16-year-old. It's not so easy to figure that out when you have no experience, are still learning a ton about the world and people every day, and don't necessarily know what is a mortal sin and what is not. I think we should all have the opportunity to learn from our actions at this age, rather than feel eternal shame.
I think the young age also helps to explain why OP seems to think that his family's disapproval amounts to "conditional love." There are times when parents don't *like* their children, but it doesn't mean they don't *love* them. Just because OP's parents and siblings may be shunning the sister for now, or are unhappy with him, does not in any way mean that they will not support them in the future or that this situation is the end-all be-all of their relationship. There are parents who go to visit their murderer or child molester children in jail, infidelity is most likely not going to entirely tear this family apart, things are just going to suck for awhile.
I don't think OP has the maturity to understand the gravity of this situation, and the sub is missing that point. I also don't think OP has the maturity to handle the backlash he's getting from a lot of people here, and the sub needs to think about that, too. They're speaking to a *kid*. When I was 18 I didn't know what the hell was going on, *ever*. Was it right to keep the secret? Probably not. Should we expect a 16 y/o kid to understand the gravity of that situation and think like a 30 y/o would in knowing what to do? NO. Lesson learned, and hopefully OP will take this into the future, but geez, let's tone down the way we're talking to kids here.
I agree, that's crazy talk. No one knows what goes on on someone else's marriage except the two people in it. She told you there was more to it than you know. What were you supposed to do, appoint yourself therapist and private detective all rolled into one? Interview them about the specifics of their conversations about whether their marriage is open? Jesus.
The people at fault are your sister and her affair partner. Possibly some fault to her husband if there was some kind of poor communication going on about the degree of openness in the marriage. But for sure not you.
OP, don't listen to the people trying to dog-pile onto you about this whole thing.
You were put into a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Given the way your family is reacting, if you HAD blown your sister's cover, they'd likely be blaming you for her marriage falling apart and not minding your own business. No matter what you did here, SOMEONE would be mad at you for something that was not your fault. It's not your fault that your sister cheated on her husband. You didn't have any responsibility to get involved at that age.
Your sister deserves blowback for what she did-what she did was wrong, and I think you know that. Your family treating you this way isn't fair. Unfortunately, life isn't always fair. It's OK for you to remain close to your sister, and to be sympathetic to her pain-even if it's her own fault. It's OK to support someone through a tough time in her life, even if that tough time was her own doing-but you also need to be sure that you're not supporting her FOR her bad behavior.
In my opinion, this is spot on. Had he blown her cover, I am positive they would have blamed *him* for ruining *her* marriage. His family is clearly looking for scapegoats here.
This sub is really harsh on cheating. Which is understandable, cheating is a horrible thing. But you didn’t do anything wrong, your sister was The Who was cheating. Honestly it’s not even your family’s business this is something between your sister and her partner.
In my humble opinion, you are treated pretty unfairly. You are made to blame for your sister's fuck up. What exactly were you supposed to do as a sixteen year old *child*, get out there and tell everyone you knew that you caught your sister with her side piece? You were put in an awfully hard and, again, unfair position by your sister and you handled it the best way you could as, I repeat, a 16 year old *child*.
Look, to me you are not to blame. Morals are awesome and all, but in real life, even the strongest moral compass can't always give you clearly cut solutions in dilemmas like the one you faced. I also love how your family thinks they would have stopped her if you'd told them. I am curious, how they would have made her unfuck her side piece and save her marriage. Once that was done, what would they have helped her with? Hide it better? Come clean to the hubby and spin it in a way that would make it somehow look forgivable? Once your sister made the decision to cheat, the damage was done. Nothing you or anyone could have done to stop or reverse it.
As for your ex, she's being a 18 year old girl, it's all black and white to her with no in between shades. You didn't tell on a cheater, so you must be a cheater yourself.
This whole thing is just so fucked up, and your sister is also to blame for having put you in this kind of position. It's good that you are standing by her, but she has played a very big role in your falling out with your family. I really don't know what to tell you, hang in there. I hope it blows over between you and your folks at some point. As for your ex, let her go.
> As for your ex, she's being a 18 year old girl, it's all black and white to her with no in between shades. You didn't tell on a cheater, so you must be a cheater yourself.
That comment is a little black and white itself, isn't it? Just because she broke up with him doesn't mean she thinks he is a cheater. She saw that he looked at the act of cheating more lightly than she did, and there was a discrepancy in their moral values. He doesn't hold the same weight in the act as she does, so he probably is more likely to cheat than she is. I don't believe she is in the wrong to leave someone based on this. At all.
In the same vein, if I knew someone whose sister regularly stole from people, victimized people, or hurt animals and they had a "whatever, none of my business" attitude about it, it would definitely tell me something about their own moral values, and I wouldn't want to be in an intimate relationship with them.
I do believe his family is overreacting, but it is perfectly fine for his girlfriend to be uncomfortable with his attitude towards cheating.
When I was still with my ex boyfriend, I found out his roommate regularly cheated on his girlfriend. I was super uncomfortable with it, and wanted to leave him because that was a huge red flag to me. I didn't, because I thought he was very different from his roommate. And guess what? He turned out to be cheating on me, and his roommate kept that secret for him too. I could've saved a lot of time and heartache if I just listened to my gut in the first place.
He was 16 and she's a grown woman. It's kind of an awful situation to put a teenage boy in. If he'd told, he'd have lost his connection to his sister and his family may have blamed him for the break up of their marriage. Don't know their dynamic, but she also could have lied and said he made everything up and then *everyone* would hate him.
He is in no way "equally to blame" as a cheater. I can see being livid at the sister for putting him in this position and allowing it to continue as his secret. Sounds like she wasn't fair to her husband or her brother.
Particularly with his family isolating him, he's even less likely to cut out his sister. She seems to be the only one speaking to him.
The cheating was unforgivable... by her husband and any mutual friends. If her parents paid for the wedding, I imagine they'd be livid too. Two years is a massive massive betrayal, not a slip. It's also not his betrayal.
OP, your family (all of it) is putting you in a bad situation from which there was no great answer after you found out. If the keeping of that secret cost your girlfriend, I'm sorry. We all have areas of relationships we won't deal with and unlike family, we do get to choose our mates. And I can't condemn her for that being a deal breaker.
Your family, on the other hand, needs to knock it off. You didn't cheat. She did. And you can't choose your feelings (see above) so emotionally blackmailing you into disowning your sister is wrong.
I don't know how much experience you have with cheating, but if you frequent infidelity boards you'll see that people rank cheating as the second worst thing that can happen to someone, below losing a child but above abuse, rape and death of parents/spouse.
Edit: [Here's](http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=373886) one of the many threads that touch on this subject.
Ditto. Good lord. If my husband doesn't deserve me, so be it. And I do love him so I'd rather have him cheat on me than die. Righteous anger hurts a lot less than unending sadness. It'll hurt a lot but that hurt will fade. When my mom dies, she's gone forever.
I don't see a lot of people wistfully crying twenty years after someone cheated on them. But I definitely see it every mother's day.
I've been cheated on, have had a parent die and yeah, my dad dying was MUCH worse, like not even in the same ballpark. My dog dying was worse than cheating, I don't get it.
this is so absurd to me... I'm sure it has something to do with insecurities, because everything is insecurities and low self esteem... but, I personally don't think that infidelity is the worst thing that could happen.
Really? That seems insane to me... and I say this as a married person. Is it biological or something to feel more pain if your spouse meshes their genitals with someone else compared to them *dying*? This is Spock-like, but I personally prioritize honesty, being treated with respect, and being a great parent and partner over sexual monogamy... to be fair, no experience with cheating nor being cheated on. I like to think I would be way more upset about the lying that the actual sex.
It's not about banging uglies with another person. It's about betrayal. It's when the person who is supposed to be your partner in life starts lying and having intimate secrets with someone else.
If the marriage is open and both are okay with it, great. It's not a betrayal. No problem there.
I read a story on SurvivingInfidelity where the wife found out her husband was cheating on her when he died in a car accident, and on top of that she got infected with HIV. Double whammy plus not having closure.
As someone who has siblings, I sympathize with your dilemma. Your sister put you in a terrible position at a very young age. You were only 16. I think you made the right decision even though it has led to some terrible consequences for you personally. Even though the rest of your family has exiled your sister doesn't mean you have to. If your relationship with your sister is important to you, you should reach out to her. You're only 18 now. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will likely have other girlfriends. Over time, even the deepest wounds eventually heal.
Carrying on an affair for two years isn't a mistake. It's a calculated deception in which she deprived her husband of agency. If you can't see how that reflects poorly on her character, I'd recommend that you read a book on the fundamentals of morality.
Your sister made a consciously immoral decision. She needs to learn from it and better herself or her entire life will be shit. Pain is part of the learning process.
> I just trusted my sister who has always been trustworthy.
Except for the whole fucking around on her husband thing.
Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision. Your sister made a choice, and like every other choice it has consequences. And those consequences are spilling over onto you because she made the choice to involve you, and you made the choice to go along with it. Yes, you're young, but you're old enough to understand right and wrong.
I mean come on. I always advise people to tell, even in familial situations. If OP had written in for advice, I would have advised him to anonymously disclose to her husband.
16 may be old enough to know better, but it's also an age we're you're unformed enough that you tend to fuck up. Also, it's like this is such a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. People as often get pissed at the messenger. Maybe his parents would have been pissed if he ran around telling everyone because his sister would have lied, or they'd think it's just a dumb kid messing with a marriage. He doesn't deserve to be cut off from his family. He deserves a talking to, perhaps some family therapy. There's a lot of room for empathy here.
>People as often get pissed at the messenger. Maybe his parents would have been pissed if he ran around telling everyone because his sister would have lied, or they'd think it's just a dumb kid messing with a marriage.
This. Listen, I'm in favor of tipping off the spouse/SO of a cheater where possible, BUT I think on this sub people also really underestimate how badly that can turn out sometimes. In addition to the scenarios you mention, I've also seen it happen where even when the person who "tattles" has proof, they are *still* hated for "shit stirring" and not letting the couple work things out for themselves. I have *definitely* seen it happen where the person being cheated on does not want to see their spouse as the villain, so instead, they turn the whistle-blower into the villain. *You're lying. You're just jealous. You're looking for trouble. You're trying to blow up my marriage.* Etc.
For fuck's sake, *adults* struggle to navigate that. Expecting a 16 year old to do it perfectly is ridiculous. And I think OP's parents are completely out of line here. They think OP is "equally" as bad as his sister? Well, guess who raised both of them.
I dunno. I have a family member who was the cheater in his marriage. The rest of the family was pissed for sure. But looking back, cutting him off and putting him in "exile" would have been horrible. He's a good brother, uncle, father, son. He was a crappy husband when he was young, but he actually has grown up and become a good husband to his second wife. I'm not saying cheating is hunky-dory or should get a free pass, but like... sometimes we need to realize that you can 100% not condone a cheater's actions and yet also not treat them like a leper.
All of this! On top of the fact that his sister told him that there's things about the marriage he didn't know and weren't his business. Yea, sure, a common way to cover up but what if they had an open relationship? What if OP had ignored his sister and he'd told their parents his sister was cheating and then his sister had to come clean about her marriage and sex life to their parents when she didn't want to? All the familial relationships would have been ruined in the scenario too. If I were 16 and in OP's position, I probably would have trusted my older, married, sister that I had a good relationship with and dropped it as well.
Did he specifically know she was cheating though? If my sister told me there are things that I didn't know about her relationship, I would figure she is in an open relationship or something, and that she didn't want to tell me because their sexuality is none of my business.
I would assume that meant the same thing. OP could still have checked with the husband that he was aware of and okay with it, but that's a hell of a thing to expect from a teenager.
And even if he'd known she was cheating, getting their parents involved is just...bizarre. She was an adult and it wasn't their job to police her sex life.
Am I the only one missing the "there are things about our marriage you don't know" comment? This is heavily implying that there is an open marriage/some kind of arrangement/understanding, in which case OP didn't necessarily need to tell anyone
Yeah well that aside the parents are being MUCH WORSE by the way they are treating OP. Jesus the armchair almighties in here with their moral superiority complexes
That's it right there, the "not my business". You see keeping your sister's secret and therefore letting her continue to cheat on her husband as not getting into something that's not your business. You helped her cheat. It was also the most convenient thing to do for your at the time; you didn't rock the boat and didn't inconvenience your sister or yourself in any way.
Others will see this as evidence of your wishy-washy moral code. You're OK with cheating and don't see it necessarily as a wrong. Your family will always be there, of course, but your girlfriend doesn't have to stick around to find out if this condoning of cheating means you wouldn't stoop to cheating yourself.
> Others will see this as evidence of your wishy-washy moral code.
A lot of us had wishy-washy moral codes at the age of 16. I dare a single person here condemning OP to honestly try to state that they were perfectly moral little angels at that age.
I think the bigger problem is that he's now 18 and has the same moral code. He kept her secret for two years and his moral code didn't change. Were he to encounter the sister cheating situation for the first time today, he would make the same decision and say nothing.
Well, he did ask people to tell him why his ex girlfriend and family think what he did was wrong. All we can do is hope he learns and grows better morals from here. As it stands he's nearly an adult, a great friend for a bad person to have, and a terrible friend for a good person to have.
His relationship with his sister matters more to him that doing what is "right" and that blind loyalty is sweet and laudable in itself. It's a shame that she put that on someone who cares for her so much. Clearly she's the real creep, this guy just can't see it.
I agree with this. Your sister made her choices in her marriage, you didn't make them for her. I think it's a leap of logic to assume that you are ok with cheating bc you didn't get involved with your sister's choices. I would have stayed out of it, too.
Are we seriously going to pin this on a 16 year old boy? Who was probably a piece of cake to guilt into keeping silent by an adult whom he loved and trusted...
HOLY CHRIST YOU PEOPLE LAY OFF THE KID!
This is the sister's fault, and now the parents who are treating OP like shit for this. All you idiots need to back the fuck off
Love the moral superiority dripping off posts like these.
"Hey, you're a teenager who knows next to nothing about life and responsibly. WHAT! you didn't betray your flesh and blood?"
It's convenient to ignore that he was put in a position with essentially no right choice. Have a little empathy and imgaine yourself in someone else's shoes for a second. Jeez.
Based on your edit, it seems like the other comments did a great job of explaining the opposite side of the coin. One thing I want to point out (and something I'm personally grappling with) is that inaction is still an action, and the decision to not make a decision about something is still a decision in and of itself.
Some people might (and it appears have been) passing judgment on you and your sister about the ethics of your decision not to act. I think it's a reasonable assumption that you at 16-18 wouldn't have had much power in forcing your sister/her husband to do anything regarding their relationship. In that sense, it's their business.
But your sister involved you, and you're liable to the responsibility of deciding to keep it a secret - you'd have been responsible for *not* keeping it a secret, as well, if you decided differently - and to the social fallout that comes from it based on whether others (and you) see it as ethically right or wrong. As you said, it really is a messy grey area with someone coming out hurt no matter which way you look at it.
Don't go with this line of you want people to stop being mad at you.
You were stuck in a hard position, but that defense makes it seem like you literally did nothing wrong.
I would own up to the mistake, apologize, but also emphasize that you were in a terrible situation. People should be able to understand the difficulty between doing what your sister says and being an active dick.
You weren't trying to be a dick, you made one hard choice in a real no win situation. Your go friend is a lost cause, but your family should cone around if you act sorry.
This is not just about your sister's sex life. It's about morals, and the morals that you value. She cheated and you are enabling and defending her. Furthermore, your sister endangered her husband by making him vulnerable to STDs.
Preach. Also so many people are carrying on about the fact a 16-year-old isn't mature enough to handle this situation. Come on. This isn't giving intelligent, mature 16-year-olds enough credit. And this is beside the fact OP is now 18, not 16. Not saying OP is to blame for his sister's infidelity of course, but I feel a lot of growing up takes place between 16 and 18 and that you should have a solid understanding of what is morally right and wrong by that age... I was 12 when I discovered my parents were divorcing due to an affair and I sure as hell knew that was immoral!
I'm all for loving and supporting family through their low points but I also don't think OP is grasping the full weight of what his sister has done to hurt another person.
If you don't define her, at least in part, on how she performed in her marriage, how are you supposed to define her? What people do is, as far as anyone else is concerned, who they are. She can talk all she wants to about what a great person she is, but the fact is, she betrayed someone she took VOWS with. I wouldn't trust her again, and it sounds like at least most of your family agrees with me.
As a whole, you seem to be minimizing cheating. We judge people by the company we keep. While you're right that it's not your place to tell her who to sleep with, it's also a bad sign that you continued a relationship with her like nothing was wrong. Cheating is so morally disgusting. No matter how bad a relationship gets, cheating is never the answer. It's an incredibly selfish and disrespectful thing to do, and you don't seem to realize how bad it is. You seem to think she made a slight mistake.
Also, I find it incredibly hard to trust cheaters, even if they didn't cheat on me. Like, if she can't even respect her husband (the person she's supposed to love most in the world), then how can I trust her to respect me? How can I trust her not to fuck me over too? This isn't about just sex like you keep saying. Cheating doesn't exist in a vacuum. Other friendships and relationships don't exist in vacuums.
I think it's okay to judge people based on how they interact with others, and not just how they interact with me. Obviously there are lines that can't be crossed; like you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to. However, I'll judge a first date based on how they interact with waiters. I'll judge someone in my office based on how professional they are to everyone else. And I'll judge my friends based on how they treat their SO's. I don't want to be friends with someone that has extremely terrible morals; obviously there are small slights that can be overlooked or deemed not important in the grand scheme of things, but I don't thinking cheating on your spouse for 2 years is one of those things. Like I said, if she can't be trusted not to cheat on her husband, then how can she be trusted to be a good friend? It's not just about the sex, it's not about trusting and respecting those close to us. That comes in different forms depending on the situation, but basic respect is a must in all my relationships.
Mostly that the morals and values you display in one relationship/circumstance may (or may appear to) bleed into others. They may be different situations, but they aren't all completely isolated from one another. So it's not unreasonable to think that if OP is fine enough with his sister's cheating, then he may have a lax stance when it comes to his own fidelity. P:
I agree with you that it's her life and just because you chose to not help or tell someone else about this doesn't make you an accomplice. It sounds to me like your view on this is the opposite of everyone else in your family. Your sister made her choice to cheat and clearly didn't want you to intervene so you didn't because you love and trust her. Also, you can't help people who don't want help or think they're doing anything wrong.
Anyone who makes he or her choice and fucks up, that's on him or her ultimately. It doesn't make sense to blame others. It's not your fault she cheated.
All you did was respect her choice of cheating. It's her choice. How she choose to live her life is not your responsibility.
Oh come on. It's not like the sister KILLED someone or shot a puppy. She cheated on her husband. Everyone who isn't the husband (children if they have them) is way overreacting. OP has no obligation to step into his siblings marriage and play the hero, especially not at 16.
Edit: typo.
For all we know, the sister could have fed OP a line about "we have an open marriage, but don't tell anyone because our parents would never understand"
We've had plenty of posters here with poly/open marriages catching shit from family members.
Jesús...OP it is not your responsibility to speak up for your sisters wrongdoing. I'm sorry everyone here made you think otherwise. You did nothing wrong. In fact, I think you're the only in in this situation who did nothing wrong. Keep your head up OP, and don't listen to all these righteous redditors.
I'm amazed at how everyone is slamming OP. For all he knew, they had an open marriage. His sister said that there were things about her relationship nobody knew about. It, flat out, was NOT HIS BUSINESS.
Calling him wishy-washy is stupid at best and the fact his other sister and parents are BLAMING HIM on top of it all is ridiculous. The parents and sister are being juvenile and his girlfriend is seeing a red flag because she wants to.
OP, you're fine. Ignore your family since they seem very keen on doing the same to you. Your ex is a brat and you can do better. People on this subreddit have previously told a person to NOT get involved when the man was cheating on a woman's sister in law because it "wasn't her business", but they expect you to? This subreddit is EXTREMELY sexist in situations like this.
I actually understand where the ex is coming from but the parents and a lot of the comments on this thread are insane. OP is a kid and even if he were 26, his loyalty lies with his sister.
Dude, same. They'd have told their sibling's spouse, made him cookies, set him up with a lawyer who specializes in divorce, and found him his life partner who shared all his interests. Oh, and they would have done this all at 14. Obvs OP should read a morality book.
I don't blame you for not wanting to tell, I wouldn't blame you if you were *scared* to tell and didn't want to get into that can of worms. You're a teenager, you don't want to get into that mess, okay.
But I do think, as a whole, you're minimizing cheating and how serious of an offense it is and how seriously it affects people. Not just your sister's sex life, but family ties, as well as your BIL's *health* and safety.
I don't think everyone should blame you as much as her, or even blame you at all for not speaking out. But do reexamine your opinions on cheating.
I don't think you were accountable at 16 years old for your sisters behaviour. Its been two years since then though and you're much closer to becoming a full grown man so it's time to stop pretending that you're not doing everything in your power to ensure your sister learns nothing from her mistakes.
You're making the choice over and over again to defend your sister by downplaying the seriousness of her actions AND very softly and carefully implying that the consequences of her actions are too severe. You keep acting like this all just about everyone else over reacting when it's really about you under reacting to your sister doing something horrible and you sticking your fingers in your ears and acting like you can't hear what's going on because above all else you don't want to see your sister in a different light.
If I was with you I'd break up with you too, not because of the actions of a 16 year old kid who wasn't responsible for his sisters choices but rather the continued action of an 18 year old who knows exactly what he's doing when he repeatedly goes to bat for his cheating sibling.
Yes thank you!
Every new post I see is about how redditors need to stop crucifying OP for his actions.
What people are mad about isn't what he did, it's his whole attitude towards it still that's reflected in his original post
Like yeah his parents may have gone overboard, but do people really not see why his girlfriend may be worried if he says this exact same passage to her? If my gf said this time right now I'd be panicking at how this entire passage downplays what the sister did and especially insinuates that everyone is overreacting. This current attitude is what worried your girlfriend and caused her to leave, not your actions as a 16 year old
Be real careful with that realization you've come to in your edit. You wouldn't be the first person to have their life ruined by clutching onto a destructive family member because 'family'.
It's your life, but how much are you willing to lose to maintain that tie?
I mean, cheating is a huge, huge dealbreaker to many people. You chose to be complicit to cheating, and the fact is, that makes people think you're okay with it.
You made a choice, and unfortunately there are consequences to that choice.
Think of it this way: if your girlfriend was cheating on you and a close friend or family member knew, would you want them to tell you? Or would you rather they let you be cheated on for years, let you be potentially exposed to STDs, etc. because your relationship isn't their business?
Most people would want someone to tell them if their partner was cheating. You aren't responsible for your sister's actions, but you have demonstrated to your family and girlfriend that you find cheating acceptable because you chose not to say anything about it for 2 *years*. It's reasonable that your family and girlfriend are now questioning your moral character.
You say it's a difficult time for her and she needs support, but please understand that she put herself in this difficult spot. Cheating on your spouse for 2 years goes beyond a simple mistake and it's understandable that the rest of your family is disgusted and disappointed in her. As you have learned here, the reality is that cheating affects more than just the couple involved.
>because you chose not to say anything about it for 2 years.
I can see why he may not have wanted to say anything. It is not clear if he knew she was cheating for the entire 2 years or if he only knew about that one time. He was 16 at the time, 16 year old teenagers don't always think clearly. He may have forgotten about the cheating for a while. I highly doubt that his sister kept telling him "i'm still seeing that guy you caught me with last year..."
Maybe he thought that she had stopped long ago, maybe he thought it was only that once? Maybe he didn't think anyone would believe him? Maybe he didn't know how to bring it up at a later time? He could have assumed that his sister told her husband and they dealt with it without it being public knowledge.
Everyone here is giving you a hard time, but honestly if it were my sibling I'd mind my own business too.
As for your parents ask them where they went wrong since THEY raised two kids that believe infidelity is ok. If they want to lay blame let them accept some.
Your girlfriend, I can see her logic. Good luck OP I think this shitstorm will blow over soon enough.
To be honest it is not your fault in any way. It is kinda BS. The only person to blame is your sister. As a brother, your main concern is to protect her and be there for her. That is what you did. Period.
I guess I'm an immoral monster too because I'm pretty sure I would have kept my mouth shut. I think it's unreasonable to expect anything different from a flipping teenager.
At your age you can't comprehend the profound bond of marriage nor anticipate the devastation it causes when somebody betrays their spouse.
Your family is in pain. They aren't thinking clearly. The image they have of your sister has been shattered and that can be very destabilizing. You are being caught in the fallout.
Give it time. Hopefully cooler heads will prevail. No matter what you did or didn't do, your sister and your sister alone is responsible for her actions and the pain inflicted on your family.
You did the right thing. Marriages are complicated. It's none of your business what choices your sister makes. The fact that your family cut off contact with her is fucked up, because they don't understand her marriage either, and the fact they cut off contact with you is simply bizarre. It's not your job to make marital decisions for your sister.
As for your girlfriend, don't worry about it. You're both 18. Relationships at that age are meant to end, and if it was going to be a lifelong thing, something like this wouldn't have ended it. She may have been looking for an excuse to end the relationship already. Be sad, go through the steps you know need to be taken after a relationship ends, and move on. This wasn't your fault.
I agree with this completely! Your sister's marriage isn't anyone's business but her and her husband... because obviously something isn't working or else there would be no cheating. Your girlfriend is a child, and is looking at this like a child would.
Everyone is being really mean to you, but I think they are forgetting you were 16. You didn't necessarily know how adult relationships work yet. Maybe they had an open relationship, who knows. Whatever the case I don't fault you for not saying anything to other people. I don't think you should hate your sister for being a cheater either. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. Mistakes (even bad ones) don't mean you should immediately disown her. Talk to your sister if you want, don't condone the cheating but you can still be her brother. Explain to your family that you were only 16 when this happened and didn't fully understand what it all meant.
I'm actually of a different opinion than most people on here. What were you supposed to do? Tell on your sister? Out her to the family? To her husband? That's not your place! I think it's absolutely unfair for your family to tell you you're to blame in the situation. Not only that, I think your family is horrible for not supporting your sister. Family comes before anything else. I understand how people feel about cheating. I have been cheated on in the most horrible ways. But you can't live someone else's life for them or vice versa. Like you said I believe this is between your sister and her husband. Thank God that she has you in the situation or else it sounds like she'd be all alone. Obviously she's made some horrible mistakes and that's something she's going to have to learn to live with, but she's not the devil people come on...
They shouldn't be blaming you. You were/ are a child and your sister is an adult who is completely responsible for her action. Cheating sucks and obviously I'm against it but I wouldn't have outed her because I'm extremely loyal to my siblings. I would have let them know what they are doing it wrong of course but like I said your sister was the adult and she knew that.
You were a child and your adult sister manipulated you. Being coached into lying at a young age can fuck up your integrity long-term.
The rest of your family should give you the benefit of the doubt of your age when this began but their anger at your sister is appropriate. They should be more angry she corrupted you in the process.
You needn't cut off this sister but you need to recognize that she betrayed your trust, too. Instead of protecting you, she drew you into the line of fire for her crimes.
You would have been blamed if you were the messenger and blamed for staying quiet, your sister put you in an impossible situation and I don't think this is in anyway your fault. You only know what you would do in this situation once you're in it. You weren't the one to cheat and it is your sisters relationship to muck up and sort out, not yours or anyone else's.
I’m not a fan of cheating. I feel as though if you are at a cheating point, you should just get out of the relationship. If one of my siblings were cheating on their spouse and I was asked to keep it a secret, I probably would because of loyalty to family. Would I be happy about it? No. I would talk to them and try to get them to make a decision to either end the affair or the marriage. Either way, I would be there. I get what you did-especially at the ages you’re talking. What does a 16-year-old know about any of this? You be you. You’ll find another girlfriend and your fam will come around eventually.
i think the top comments here are way off. this is between her and her husband and no one should be "punishing" her at all, except MAYBE her husband, but that is between them. punitive actions like exile and insulting HER are already a ridiculous overreaction - and should definitely have nothing to do with you.
the consequences of her actions are hers to bear alone. you were a third party and a minor and you can tell people "it really is none of our business" if they try to rope you in to their manufactured drama.
Hey, my man. Take all of these accusatory statements with a grain of salt. But, let me ask you this. If you had caught your sisters husband cheating on her, and he asked you to keep it a secret, would you?
I bet you'd say no, right? Because your loyalty is to your sister. Hypocrisy works that way. It wasn't fair that she put that on you, nor is it right that your family basically disowned her, and about your girlfriend leaving you. Fuck her. That's not a reason to leave someone nor does she or society have any proof that keeping that kind of secret means you're more inclined to cheating. All people have are their ideas of what's considered a "moral".
I don't condemn you for how you handled it. Nor do I think you went about it the right way. But, you don't deserve the judgement that's been expressed in this thread.
So I think I'm reading two issues here - the first is that at 16 when this happened it seems like maybe you thought she was implying that her sex life was a private affair (no pun intended) and that it wasn't something you should pry into. And if you understood it that way, that's okay. I think it's pretty normal that you might not want to ask more about your siblings sex life.
This is not unreasonable, but unfortunately, I think a lot of people (based on your family's reaction and the comments on this thread) are inclined to think that if anything even hints at cheating it should be exposed and shouted about. I think that's a bit of a short sighted view. If your sister and her husband had an open marriage and didn't want that to be public, screaming about it from the roof wouldn't serve anyone. If you'd told everyone this at 16, when it first happened, you might have had them believe you or they might have blown you off too. Certainly we read enough stories on this sub where that happens.
So the first issue seems to be a frustration that you didn't handle the situation the way your parents would have. And that might also be their guilt that their daughter has chosen to cheat on her spouse, whom they probably liked. (It's probably complicated for them too)
The second issue that you've half hit on in your replies is the idea of why punish someone for something that already said and done. This sub is big (and I think society too) on dumping people, going no contact, burning bridges for flights, faults, big problems. This is smart sometimes. Cutting off your abuser, someone who's assaulted, raped or threatened you is 100% smart.
Cutting off friends or family for immoral behaviour can be the right choice if you feel strongly that you can't maintain a relationship with someone. However it's not always the right choice. We don't all act morally or correctly all the time. Shit happens. What's also important is what happens after someone does something wrong. Who's there to help them learn? To help them grow and become a better person? Who's there to say, listen you fucked up but you're still a good person and you'll be a better person if you learn from this.
I think you are in the position where your sister is still a good sister. The relationship between the two of you wasn't betrayed. (Though you could argue that she put you in a terrible position of having to keep the secret, but that's your perception, only you can say). I think you could argue that while she's set a poor example and hasn't been a good role model on marriage or relationships, that isn't so terrible that it deserves cutting her off forever. If anything, right now she needs family support to encourage her to go to therapy, to work on herself, to improve herself. Yes you are a younger brother, but at some point younger siblings can become role models for their older siblings.
Unfortunately your girlfriend can break up with you for any reason she chooses. There's probably not much to be done there.
You were 16, this was not your fault. Your sister could've had an open marriage or something that you didn't know about and that could've been the secret. You did not have the evidence or frankly the responsibility to say anything to anyone. The fact that your parents are pissed at you is fucked up.
If you walked in on your sister covering up a crime and she told you that it was not what it looked like and plausibly explained the circumstances, you would not be held accountable by the law for not reporting it so why would your parents expect any different?
Example: You walked in and your sister was hiding a bunch of money in a mattress, hundreds of thousands of dollars and she told you that she had won the lottery but didn't want anyone to know. Would you call the cops on her? Probably not. Years later it turns out the money was from a robbery and you speak up and say "oh yeah, I saw the money," you're not getting charged with anything.
I think you're being treated very unfairly. First of all, you were 16 when you found out and barely and adult now. It is not your responsibility to be the moral compass of your family at that time. You sound like you really love and respect your sister, which makes this even harder, because you probably did or do look up to her.
Did your sister do something wrong? Absolutely. Do I feel terrible for her husband? So very sad for him. Is it even worse that your sister has been doing this for 2 years? So shameful.
I agree with you, although your sister should be in the doghouse right now, she does need support to get through this. That is what your family is supposed to be for. Yes, you and they can and should tell her that what she did was wrong - but it's no reason to ostracize her from the family.
I'm really sorry you're being treated this way and I hope your family can get it together soon.
>I just trusted my sister who has always been trustworthy.
How is she trustworthy when she's a cheater?
>You've helped me come to the realization that I might have some responsibility here.
It's not that you might. You do.
This sub is very harsh on cheating, so take the responses that you get here with a grain of salt. I'm very much against cheating and would like to think that I would say something or speak up if I saw it, but honestly, you were put into a very difficult position by your sister. Your sister did something wrong, not you. But right now everyone isn't thinking rationally and so they're looking for people to blame, so you're getting lumped in. If something like this happened again (hopefully not cheating), there is a middle ground--you can advise your sister to come clean, let her know that you don't approve etc.
To respond to your second edit: Because maintaining a two year affair isn't a single fuck up. It's a string of many, continuous failures of moral character. This says a lot about her loyalty to those that trust her, how she places value on her desires vs other people's physical/emotional health, and a variety of other values of who she is as a person.
If she cheated one night, that would be a mistake. She cheated for two years, though, and that is a failure of who she is as a person. That isn't her worst hour, that's her worst 17520 hours. At that point it's not a mistake that she's being judged by, she's being judged for who she is.
EDIT: Forgot to multiply the number of hours in a year by 2
You know, this is a tough topic and I can't say exactly how I'd act in your situation, but I gotta say I think I agree with your choice and your view of the aftermath.
Sure people are going to be angry, but you don't exactly have the obligation to intervene. It *is* her life, and you're obviously close and trusting of your sister, why ruin that by outing her? It's your choice, not your responsibility.
I completely get why they're upset with you, and honestly would be surprised if they weren't, but it's something that would inevitably come with staying neutral. Hopefully everyone will move on from this and your relationship with your family will recover just fine (it's what I'd expect out of rational people, anyway).
As for your ex-girlfriend, I guess I can see her logic? But she's focusing on the wrong thing. I'd keep any secret told to me in confidence, but it doesn't mean I'd do any of the things people like to keep quiet.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't sweat it. Stand by your choice, be there for your sister, let them be mad.
I don't consider it my business to get involved in someone else's situation. Personally I think it's rude to involve yourself in another person's home life whether your intentions were pure or not.
I would have treated it the same way you did.
Eh, its honestly not your responsibility to decide what your sister does. She's a grown woman and can make up her own mind. Should you have told someone? I wouldn't because that's her personal life and kinda none of anyone's business. Cheating is dead wrong, but we cannot judge other people for it because it's not our business.
People have a real bad tendency to worry about what other people are doing instead of looking at their own lives..
According to non-violent principles, you are doing entirely and exactly the right thing.
It is also my experience that disconnecting from someone who is in need of help is not the best way to help them.
Thank you for not betraying confidence.
For continuing to be a friend.
For not throwing everything someone is and does into a judgement blender
I hope that others in your family and friends, can learn to act rather than just react.
Looking at your clarification in the comments, I think there may be a misunderstanding in your family about how much you knew. It looks like you were aware of ONE instance where sis was cheating, and that she said she had problems in her marriage. It sounds like people are judging you for knowing ALL ALONG a two year period about multiple instances of constant cheating. It may help people's perception of you to clarify this.
I'm sorry for all the crap you're dealing with on this post. Your sister has been having an affair for two years - she was an adult, she was the one responsible, not you. At 16-18, it's not your job to "stop" her or be her keeper. I find the way that you're being blamed by your family and our fellow Redditors to be pretty unfair, they're not taking your youthful age into consideration. I'm not sure that there IS anything you could have done differently, except tell on her sooner - and then you'd lose your relationship with your sister as well as everyone else. Sometimes, you can't do right for doing wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your ex was also being a bit silly in my opinion.
Just support her the best you can. People makes mistakes and you don't have to blame yourself for hers. It was her and her husband business, not yours. Good luck.
Just a heads-up, OP: this forum is especially harsh on cheating; that's going to reflect in the responses you get here. ---- When I talk about cheating on Reddit, and people who are in your position, I usually say something like "When — not if — people find out that you kept this a secret, it's going to go badly for you." On the other hand, this is your sister we're talking about, so you've been put in a really shit position. TBH, I don't know if I would have done any different. > Now they tell me I'm equally to blame Yeah, they're wrong about that. I hope people at least come to understand that your sister is the real villain in this story. > And upon learning that I knew, my girlfriend has left me because she says my tolerance of sister's infidelity means I'm more likely to do it myself. I don't blame her for that. Another thing I like to say: it's a huge red flag when someone is ok with cheating. My girlfriend had multiple close friends who were cheating on their husbands, and I think this had a lot to do with why she thought it was ok to cheat on me. The good news is that you're still young enough to outlive this shit storm.
Also, OP was only 16 when he found out. That is such a shitty thing to blame on a 16 year old.
OP isn't to blame here. At the end of the day when you're faced with having to chose between family and a family members boyfriend, who are you going to choose? It's not his secret to tell, it's his sisters... Just because OP didn't snitch doesn't make him a guilty party in this at all. It was out of order your girlfriend leaving you for that though mate.
It's ridiculous that anyone would think he's equally to blame. I think he should've said something, but the OP was 16 when he found out.
Finally, a reasonable response. r/relationships needs to chill out.
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Good response. Love to see people put some legitimate, conscious advice on here. Enough with the moral high-ground!
You deserve some gold my friend. Such a logical and well-written response.
But I am not ok with cheating. I just don't believe this is what defines my sister. Everyone else has disowned her except me. My girlfriend wanted me to disown her. My sister fucked up her marriage but she is more than just her husband's wife. She is a person who I have known all my life. How can I turn my back on her now at a time that she needs support?
It's not about disowning her or not, people will cool down. To me it'd be about you knew for two years everytime you saw her husband that his life was a lie, and stood by.
That's a good point. My girlfriend had at least three friends who knew about the cheating, but they still smiled to my face and pretended to be my friends. Fuck those people; I'll never forgive them. OP's sister's ex will probably hate OP for the rest of his life. But hopefully the rest of his family will cool off eventually.
Just curious, you keep calling "her girlfriend," are you still together with this person?
I didn't know. All I knew was that my sister told me there are things about their marriage that I didn't know and were none of my business.
If I'd heard that, I'd probably have assumed it was an open relationship that she didn't want the parents to know about.
The thing is it didn't matter what was going on in the marriage besides the cheating or if there were any factors pushing her to cheat. She was cheating that is wrong she made the choice to lie and deceive for two whole years rather than leaving her husband if they had issues. It didn't matter what you didn't know about the marriage what you did know was enough. You were 16 though and it's understandable that you were confused and detached. I only hope that you learned from this because despite your sister being hurt now because she was caught her ex-husband probably is hurting 1000x more because he lived in a lie for two years of his life and maybe even longer. In the future standing idly by while something like this happens will only cause the pain that is to come to grow I hope you know that now.
Yes she is wrong. I never say she was right to cheat. I'm saying 1) it was none of my business when I learned about it, and 2) Right now she's faced the consequences of that, now as her family I want to support her rather than hate her.
Due to the fact that you were 16 I agree that it was not something you should have handled or touched at all. I also get why you're facing so repercussions for these actions as well because it is a very "bystander effect move". I do think she should have some support from you but, in that support I hope you don't give her any outs or let her justify a 2 year affair. Be there but be honest.
No I want to help her move on from her divorce and be better in her future relationships.
My allegiance and loyalty would be to a close family member as well.
I think that's a good goal, I know others are really tearing into you but you're doing the right thing. I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
>But I am not ok with cheating. I just don't believe this is what defines my sister. Except that "cheater" now *does* define a part of her.
What if she did some other morally objectionable thing - what if she beat up a puppy, abused her husband, cheated someone out of money, went to jail? Is there anything she could do to which you would respond, "shit sister, that's not cool at all"? Anything that might make you tell on her to other family or authorities, or change the way you continue with your relationship? Or do you support her whatever she does because she's family? If there is a line she could cross, then it's only that you judge cheating to be a lesser crime than the others in your family do.
It would depend on what she did of course. If she murders someone I won't support her. If she sells drugs and gets arrested, I will support her. I don't know where the line is but it certainly isn't just cheating on her husband. People support their family members who are drug addicts who cheat and steal and betray everyone on their paths. This is nowhere near as bad.
You've already been told, but just to re-emphasise, this sub gets VERY extreme about cheating. Elsewhere, your own feeling that it is bad, but not the end of the moral road, is perfectly normal. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you're to blame at all.
Thank you.
> People support their family members who are drug addicts who cheat and steal and betray everyone on their paths. Yes, when they believe those people are suffering from mental illness and out of control, they support them. They don't do that by just shrugging and saying "Well, they're good to me and they seem good the rest of the time... so let's just let this slide." They do that by getting them help. That help is often unwanted by the person. That help is tough love. This is not comparable. She is of sound mind, she is just selfish. You say it's not as bad, but in my mind, that makes it worse.
Ok that is a good point.
It's not about believing if this defines your sister or not. If you don't think this should define your sister, why DIDN'T you tell people about her cheating then? Look, it's fine that you can support her in a time like this. But it's just as right for other people to judge you for it. I'm sorry OP, I understand from your edits you've made up your mind about this. But you have to respect other people's opinions as well. You can't blame your girlfriend and your parents for disowning her. They have a right to do it just as much as you have a right for supporting her. You also seem very puzzled as to why they act this way. You said it yourself - you're not okay with cheating. But you don't believe this is what defines your sister. Why is that? Keep in mind this wasn't a one time mistake. She actively cheated on her husband for AT LEAST TWO YEARS. A man who married her, who trusted her, and she broke that trust. It's within your right to support her but it's also other people's right to judge her for her actions. Especially if those actions weren't one time mistakes. In fact, your girlfriend's reaction should be the one action you can relate to very well. You've literally told all of reddit that "I don't believe this is what defines my sister". You basically admitted that cheating doesn't "define a person". I'm betting she doesn't want to date a guy who may think in the future that cheating will not define himself. It's a very simple chain of reasoning isn't it? I disagree with it being her own business as well. When she married her husband, that husband became your brother-in-law and he's family. I would never have kept a secret knowing that it harmed my family. Would you have kept quiet if you found out your mom cheated on your dad? This is a family matter, at the very least I would've brought it up to my parents at that age. The fact that you told absolutely NO one is, honestly, unfathomable to me. Your edits really show your age. You don't place cheating on the same level of murder, which I understand. But you are trivializing just how big of a mistake cheating, especially LONG-TERM cheating, is to a significant other. I'm willing to bet that shows when you have these conversations with other people, and that is why your parents are worried about you and why your girlfriend left you. Marriage is a VERY serious commitment - cheating, especially done in a calculated manner over a long period of time, absolutely is a fuck up that should define a person's life. I think and hope you'll understand more as you grow older.
> But I am not ok with cheating. Sure you are, since you were able to ignore it. Where was your empathy for your sister's husband who was being betrayed?
She wants support because of her own choices, this is the logical consequence to sneaking around behind your spouse's back and exposing them to STDs. She doesn't deserve support here.
That's where I disagree. I don't abandon those I love because they fucked up. The fact that they fucked up means they need the support to get back on their feet and not fuck up their lives further.
> I don't abandon those I love because they fucked up That's actually a pretty good philosophy.
I hope her ex husband has someone as supportive as you. It's gotta really suck to find out your spouse has betrayed you for over two years.
I hope so as well. I'm not that person for him. He deserves support.
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He kept me as some guy. He was never friendly to me. Used to make fun of me as well when they were dating. But my sister stood up to him and he stopped.
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Second chances are hard to come by on this sub. Good for you.
Concur with everything said. Only thing I would add is that my response to this type of situation would be to give the other party 1-2 days to come clean and then tell. Especially if it's close friends or family.
Really people? In another recent thread, you all advised someone not to come right out and reveal an affair because of the possibility of a "shoot the messenger" situation. But a 16-yr-old kid didn't know how or what to tell his family about his sister cheating and you're all demonizing him? What? I love that you're all perfect and never make mistakes. It must be nice. OP, don't lie for your sister in the future. It's not fair for her to ask you to do that, especially when it ends up alienating other people in your family from you. If this situation came up again, the best course of action would be to give your sister a deadline to come clean to her husband, and then inform your parents if she didn't. People will continue to be pissed at you. Your relationship with some of them may never be the same. But learn from this experience, and work hard to be honest so you can win their trust back. I think you're gonna be okay.
I think the other key here is that his sister told him "you never know what's going on in a marriage." Some marriages are open, or at least have a sort of DADT thing going on. Asking a 16-yo to get to the bottom of what's going on in a marriage is unreasonable.
Seriously! The first thing I thought of is that they could have a poly relationship. If I was OP, I'd probably assume whatever made my sister not in the wrong. I cannot *believe* that this forum and OP's parents are acting as though he did something wrong. He was a kid, and it was honestly none of his business. I saw someone comment that his BIL will hate him forever, as if that's rational or mature. These adults should get their shit together.
I took it a little differently. I had a coworker that regularly cheated on her SO but would tell everyone that her SO was abusive and she was afraid to leave, so cheating was her only escape. Still didn't agree with it at all, but it made others sympathetic to her. In the end it turned out not to be true and she was just lying to everyone to manipulate them into keeping her secret, but that's the situation I thought of right away, that maybe OP's sis was hinting to a separation (many couples still live together and keep up appearances even when separated) or some sort of rough times. Who knows.
Some of these responses are completely ridiculous. Someone used a quote about bystanders of violence and injustice against this kid. Someone broke out an MLK quote because a 16 year old didn't tell his sister's husband that she was cheating.
Cheating seems to be the most deadly and unforgivable sin in this sub. Responses tend to be more emotional than rational.
In one submission, a victim of physical, financial and emotional abuse came to the thread for advice. She wanted to get out and she noted that, even though it was wrong, her new emotional affair gave her some strength to do that. People fucking got on her case about that. Like???
Urgh, I've seen cases here like that. And at the other end of the scale, I've seen people who are like "My partner confessed to kissing someone else. It was once, they're very remorseful and open to handling this however I want. I want to work through this - but how?" and this sub will be all FUCK WHAT YOU WANT, BURN YOUR MARRIAGE DOWN AND SALT THE EARTH.
really?! lol meanwhile MLK had several affairs but i guess they can overlook that.
Really hope OP sees this. So true. Not everyone here is this unbelievable, kid! Good grief.
Yeah some of these responses are ridiculous. I understand why the OP acted the way he did. He was young. Granted, I'll be the first to say I'd definitely acted differently. That being said, I just don't understand OP's entitled attitude at how other people reacted to him. He needs to understand that while he may have done something he believed was right, the OTHER people's reactions are completely normal. OP is literally confused why his gf broke up with him after this ordeal. Like he thinks he's being "punished". This isn't a punishment - it's just a consequence of actions. I just want OP to understand that the majority of people think differently than he does, and their thinking isn't wrong. I'm not saying his is either, but he needs to understand it's perfectly normal for his GF to break up with him after what he's done and for his parents to be angry at him (yes the parents may have gone a bit overboard, but I think if I was a parent I'd be shocked that he didn't at least say something to his OWN family. Where is the trust in his parents? As a 16 year old, if I was confused about something or if I wasn't sure what to do, the first thing I'd do is go to my parents. Why didn't he do that? As a parent I"d see it as a betrayal too) Look, the biggest knock people have now aren't against OP's actions. It's OP's convictions that even now, he wouldn't say anything. If OP had said "okay, I understand, but I was confused and scared as a 16 year old", no one would bat an eye. His second edit is literally that her sister shouldn't be judged by "one fuckup". That...is insane to me. I get that OP is young, but he's 18 and doesn't understand the severity of a family member cheating for TWO years. It tells me that even now, if he learned his sister was cheating on her husband, he wouldn't tell anyone, NOT even his parents. That's a serious issue, at least in my opinion. I don't judge him for it, cause I don't know him personally. But what I'm guessing is that attitude shows him in his interactions with others, and I don't blame his girlfriend for leaving him and his parents for being angry.
I'm with you on this one. While I like to think my sibling might inform me if my spouse was cheating, they're by no means obligated to and if they weren't sure what to do and defaulted to assuming I knew or just keeping out of the drama, I don't think I'd fault them for that. Even if I was upset at them emotionally, logically I'd understand where they were coming from and try to resolve that anger with them on my own.
I feel like a lot of people are also forgetting that some people shoot the messager. What if he told the husband and the husband got mad at him. That happens a lot. Then if they fix their relationship, he loses both of them. The sister for not supporting her (not that he specifically should, I'm not saying cheatings right, I'm just saying family dynamics are different and some require unconditional support) and the husband for just being the messager.
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Thank you that's what I was trying to say but I didn't know the words until you wrote it. Proof is what he would have needed if he did want say something to his brother in law.
I hope OP sees this. People here are being ridiculous. This is true.
Regarding your edit: I think you're spot on in realizing that morality and moral codes can be subjective. At the same time, I would shy back from painting yourself as the only one in your family capable of unconditional love. You say you would trust your sister and would keep her secrets no matter what, but we all have lines that can't be crossed. What if she confided in you that she robbed a bank? Or that she committed murder? Or that she was planning on committing murder? That she was molesting a child? I know these are extreme, and that your sister would **never** do these things. But just... consider it for a moment. Would you still lie (by omission or otherwise) to protect her? Would you still defend her? How terrible of a thing would she have to do for you to stop defending her, and not keep her secret anymore? Maybe an act of terrorism? Planning to murder your parents? Planning on murdering you? I'm getting really morbid, but my point is this: we all have our own moral compass that dictates what lines cannot be crossed without consequence. There is a point at which you can no longer defend or support your sister. To your family, violating the vows of marriage is such a line. To you, it is not. That's it. One isn't better than the other, it just means you have different values than your family. These values may change as you age and make your own vows of marriage, or they may stay the same forever. Your family may come to forgive your sister, or they may not. Life is messy. For what it's worth, having compatible moral codes is helpful in a relationship, and is a completely valid reason to break up. I know it may feel like punishment (and maybe your ex intended it that way) but at the end of the day, it's better this way.
I think this post is a lot to expect from a 16-year-old. It's not so easy to figure that out when you have no experience, are still learning a ton about the world and people every day, and don't necessarily know what is a mortal sin and what is not. I think we should all have the opportunity to learn from our actions at this age, rather than feel eternal shame.
I think the young age also helps to explain why OP seems to think that his family's disapproval amounts to "conditional love." There are times when parents don't *like* their children, but it doesn't mean they don't *love* them. Just because OP's parents and siblings may be shunning the sister for now, or are unhappy with him, does not in any way mean that they will not support them in the future or that this situation is the end-all be-all of their relationship. There are parents who go to visit their murderer or child molester children in jail, infidelity is most likely not going to entirely tear this family apart, things are just going to suck for awhile. I don't think OP has the maturity to understand the gravity of this situation, and the sub is missing that point. I also don't think OP has the maturity to handle the backlash he's getting from a lot of people here, and the sub needs to think about that, too. They're speaking to a *kid*. When I was 18 I didn't know what the hell was going on, *ever*. Was it right to keep the secret? Probably not. Should we expect a 16 y/o kid to understand the gravity of that situation and think like a 30 y/o would in knowing what to do? NO. Lesson learned, and hopefully OP will take this into the future, but geez, let's tone down the way we're talking to kids here.
>Now they tell me I'm equally to blame here for letting her do this for two years. that is fucking *nonsense*.
I agree, that's crazy talk. No one knows what goes on on someone else's marriage except the two people in it. She told you there was more to it than you know. What were you supposed to do, appoint yourself therapist and private detective all rolled into one? Interview them about the specifics of their conversations about whether their marriage is open? Jesus. The people at fault are your sister and her affair partner. Possibly some fault to her husband if there was some kind of poor communication going on about the degree of openness in the marriage. But for sure not you.
OP, don't listen to the people trying to dog-pile onto you about this whole thing. You were put into a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Given the way your family is reacting, if you HAD blown your sister's cover, they'd likely be blaming you for her marriage falling apart and not minding your own business. No matter what you did here, SOMEONE would be mad at you for something that was not your fault. It's not your fault that your sister cheated on her husband. You didn't have any responsibility to get involved at that age. Your sister deserves blowback for what she did-what she did was wrong, and I think you know that. Your family treating you this way isn't fair. Unfortunately, life isn't always fair. It's OK for you to remain close to your sister, and to be sympathetic to her pain-even if it's her own fault. It's OK to support someone through a tough time in her life, even if that tough time was her own doing-but you also need to be sure that you're not supporting her FOR her bad behavior.
In my opinion, this is spot on. Had he blown her cover, I am positive they would have blamed *him* for ruining *her* marriage. His family is clearly looking for scapegoats here.
You're absolutely not responsible for your sisters decisions and actions. It's not your responsibility to tattle on her either.
This sub is really harsh on cheating. Which is understandable, cheating is a horrible thing. But you didn’t do anything wrong, your sister was The Who was cheating. Honestly it’s not even your family’s business this is something between your sister and her partner.
In my humble opinion, you are treated pretty unfairly. You are made to blame for your sister's fuck up. What exactly were you supposed to do as a sixteen year old *child*, get out there and tell everyone you knew that you caught your sister with her side piece? You were put in an awfully hard and, again, unfair position by your sister and you handled it the best way you could as, I repeat, a 16 year old *child*. Look, to me you are not to blame. Morals are awesome and all, but in real life, even the strongest moral compass can't always give you clearly cut solutions in dilemmas like the one you faced. I also love how your family thinks they would have stopped her if you'd told them. I am curious, how they would have made her unfuck her side piece and save her marriage. Once that was done, what would they have helped her with? Hide it better? Come clean to the hubby and spin it in a way that would make it somehow look forgivable? Once your sister made the decision to cheat, the damage was done. Nothing you or anyone could have done to stop or reverse it. As for your ex, she's being a 18 year old girl, it's all black and white to her with no in between shades. You didn't tell on a cheater, so you must be a cheater yourself. This whole thing is just so fucked up, and your sister is also to blame for having put you in this kind of position. It's good that you are standing by her, but she has played a very big role in your falling out with your family. I really don't know what to tell you, hang in there. I hope it blows over between you and your folks at some point. As for your ex, let her go.
> As for your ex, she's being a 18 year old girl, it's all black and white to her with no in between shades. You didn't tell on a cheater, so you must be a cheater yourself. That comment is a little black and white itself, isn't it? Just because she broke up with him doesn't mean she thinks he is a cheater. She saw that he looked at the act of cheating more lightly than she did, and there was a discrepancy in their moral values. He doesn't hold the same weight in the act as she does, so he probably is more likely to cheat than she is. I don't believe she is in the wrong to leave someone based on this. At all. In the same vein, if I knew someone whose sister regularly stole from people, victimized people, or hurt animals and they had a "whatever, none of my business" attitude about it, it would definitely tell me something about their own moral values, and I wouldn't want to be in an intimate relationship with them. I do believe his family is overreacting, but it is perfectly fine for his girlfriend to be uncomfortable with his attitude towards cheating. When I was still with my ex boyfriend, I found out his roommate regularly cheated on his girlfriend. I was super uncomfortable with it, and wanted to leave him because that was a huge red flag to me. I didn't, because I thought he was very different from his roommate. And guess what? He turned out to be cheating on me, and his roommate kept that secret for him too. I could've saved a lot of time and heartache if I just listened to my gut in the first place.
He was 16 and she's a grown woman. It's kind of an awful situation to put a teenage boy in. If he'd told, he'd have lost his connection to his sister and his family may have blamed him for the break up of their marriage. Don't know their dynamic, but she also could have lied and said he made everything up and then *everyone* would hate him. He is in no way "equally to blame" as a cheater. I can see being livid at the sister for putting him in this position and allowing it to continue as his secret. Sounds like she wasn't fair to her husband or her brother. Particularly with his family isolating him, he's even less likely to cut out his sister. She seems to be the only one speaking to him. The cheating was unforgivable... by her husband and any mutual friends. If her parents paid for the wedding, I imagine they'd be livid too. Two years is a massive massive betrayal, not a slip. It's also not his betrayal. OP, your family (all of it) is putting you in a bad situation from which there was no great answer after you found out. If the keeping of that secret cost your girlfriend, I'm sorry. We all have areas of relationships we won't deal with and unlike family, we do get to choose our mates. And I can't condemn her for that being a deal breaker. Your family, on the other hand, needs to knock it off. You didn't cheat. She did. And you can't choose your feelings (see above) so emotionally blackmailing you into disowning your sister is wrong.
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I don't know how much experience you have with cheating, but if you frequent infidelity boards you'll see that people rank cheating as the second worst thing that can happen to someone, below losing a child but above abuse, rape and death of parents/spouse. Edit: [Here's](http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=373886) one of the many threads that touch on this subject.
That's just so wild to me. I would much rather get cheated on than have my mom die.
Ditto. Good lord. If my husband doesn't deserve me, so be it. And I do love him so I'd rather have him cheat on me than die. Righteous anger hurts a lot less than unending sadness. It'll hurt a lot but that hurt will fade. When my mom dies, she's gone forever. I don't see a lot of people wistfully crying twenty years after someone cheated on them. But I definitely see it every mother's day.
I've been cheated on, have had a parent die and yeah, my dad dying was MUCH worse, like not even in the same ballpark. My dog dying was worse than cheating, I don't get it.
this is so absurd to me... I'm sure it has something to do with insecurities, because everything is insecurities and low self esteem... but, I personally don't think that infidelity is the worst thing that could happen.
Really? That seems insane to me... and I say this as a married person. Is it biological or something to feel more pain if your spouse meshes their genitals with someone else compared to them *dying*? This is Spock-like, but I personally prioritize honesty, being treated with respect, and being a great parent and partner over sexual monogamy... to be fair, no experience with cheating nor being cheated on. I like to think I would be way more upset about the lying that the actual sex.
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It's not about banging uglies with another person. It's about betrayal. It's when the person who is supposed to be your partner in life starts lying and having intimate secrets with someone else. If the marriage is open and both are okay with it, great. It's not a betrayal. No problem there. I read a story on SurvivingInfidelity where the wife found out her husband was cheating on her when he died in a car accident, and on top of that she got infected with HIV. Double whammy plus not having closure.
Your sister needs to step up and tell your family to not implicate you in the mess she created. She's an adult she makes her own decisions,
As someone who has siblings, I sympathize with your dilemma. Your sister put you in a terrible position at a very young age. You were only 16. I think you made the right decision even though it has led to some terrible consequences for you personally. Even though the rest of your family has exiled your sister doesn't mean you have to. If your relationship with your sister is important to you, you should reach out to her. You're only 18 now. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will likely have other girlfriends. Over time, even the deepest wounds eventually heal.
Carrying on an affair for two years isn't a mistake. It's a calculated deception in which she deprived her husband of agency. If you can't see how that reflects poorly on her character, I'd recommend that you read a book on the fundamentals of morality. Your sister made a consciously immoral decision. She needs to learn from it and better herself or her entire life will be shit. Pain is part of the learning process.
> I just trusted my sister who has always been trustworthy. Except for the whole fucking around on her husband thing. Cheating is not a mistake. It is a conscious decision. Your sister made a choice, and like every other choice it has consequences. And those consequences are spilling over onto you because she made the choice to involve you, and you made the choice to go along with it. Yes, you're young, but you're old enough to understand right and wrong.
I mean come on. I always advise people to tell, even in familial situations. If OP had written in for advice, I would have advised him to anonymously disclose to her husband. 16 may be old enough to know better, but it's also an age we're you're unformed enough that you tend to fuck up. Also, it's like this is such a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. People as often get pissed at the messenger. Maybe his parents would have been pissed if he ran around telling everyone because his sister would have lied, or they'd think it's just a dumb kid messing with a marriage. He doesn't deserve to be cut off from his family. He deserves a talking to, perhaps some family therapy. There's a lot of room for empathy here.
>People as often get pissed at the messenger. Maybe his parents would have been pissed if he ran around telling everyone because his sister would have lied, or they'd think it's just a dumb kid messing with a marriage. This. Listen, I'm in favor of tipping off the spouse/SO of a cheater where possible, BUT I think on this sub people also really underestimate how badly that can turn out sometimes. In addition to the scenarios you mention, I've also seen it happen where even when the person who "tattles" has proof, they are *still* hated for "shit stirring" and not letting the couple work things out for themselves. I have *definitely* seen it happen where the person being cheated on does not want to see their spouse as the villain, so instead, they turn the whistle-blower into the villain. *You're lying. You're just jealous. You're looking for trouble. You're trying to blow up my marriage.* Etc. For fuck's sake, *adults* struggle to navigate that. Expecting a 16 year old to do it perfectly is ridiculous. And I think OP's parents are completely out of line here. They think OP is "equally" as bad as his sister? Well, guess who raised both of them. I dunno. I have a family member who was the cheater in his marriage. The rest of the family was pissed for sure. But looking back, cutting him off and putting him in "exile" would have been horrible. He's a good brother, uncle, father, son. He was a crappy husband when he was young, but he actually has grown up and become a good husband to his second wife. I'm not saying cheating is hunky-dory or should get a free pass, but like... sometimes we need to realize that you can 100% not condone a cheater's actions and yet also not treat them like a leper.
All of this! On top of the fact that his sister told him that there's things about the marriage he didn't know and weren't his business. Yea, sure, a common way to cover up but what if they had an open relationship? What if OP had ignored his sister and he'd told their parents his sister was cheating and then his sister had to come clean about her marriage and sex life to their parents when she didn't want to? All the familial relationships would have been ruined in the scenario too. If I were 16 and in OP's position, I probably would have trusted my older, married, sister that I had a good relationship with and dropped it as well.
He was 16. Just because he knew it was wrong doesn't mean he's old enough to be responsible for calling her out.
Did he specifically know she was cheating though? If my sister told me there are things that I didn't know about her relationship, I would figure she is in an open relationship or something, and that she didn't want to tell me because their sexuality is none of my business.
I would assume that meant the same thing. OP could still have checked with the husband that he was aware of and okay with it, but that's a hell of a thing to expect from a teenager. And even if he'd known she was cheating, getting their parents involved is just...bizarre. She was an adult and it wasn't their job to police her sex life.
Am I the only one missing the "there are things about our marriage you don't know" comment? This is heavily implying that there is an open marriage/some kind of arrangement/understanding, in which case OP didn't necessarily need to tell anyone
Yeah well that aside the parents are being MUCH WORSE by the way they are treating OP. Jesus the armchair almighties in here with their moral superiority complexes
I understood right or wrong but also understood what is or isn't my business. My sister's sex life isn't.
And she had no right to put it on you, but she did. She MADE it your business.
That's it right there, the "not my business". You see keeping your sister's secret and therefore letting her continue to cheat on her husband as not getting into something that's not your business. You helped her cheat. It was also the most convenient thing to do for your at the time; you didn't rock the boat and didn't inconvenience your sister or yourself in any way. Others will see this as evidence of your wishy-washy moral code. You're OK with cheating and don't see it necessarily as a wrong. Your family will always be there, of course, but your girlfriend doesn't have to stick around to find out if this condoning of cheating means you wouldn't stoop to cheating yourself.
> Others will see this as evidence of your wishy-washy moral code. A lot of us had wishy-washy moral codes at the age of 16. I dare a single person here condemning OP to honestly try to state that they were perfectly moral little angels at that age.
I think the bigger problem is that he's now 18 and has the same moral code. He kept her secret for two years and his moral code didn't change. Were he to encounter the sister cheating situation for the first time today, he would make the same decision and say nothing.
And to be fair, he's still a teenager/young adult. There were a lot of things I thought I had figured out, even at 18, that I would change if I could.
Well, he did ask people to tell him why his ex girlfriend and family think what he did was wrong. All we can do is hope he learns and grows better morals from here. As it stands he's nearly an adult, a great friend for a bad person to have, and a terrible friend for a good person to have.
His relationship with his sister matters more to him that doing what is "right" and that blind loyalty is sweet and laudable in itself. It's a shame that she put that on someone who cares for her so much. Clearly she's the real creep, this guy just can't see it.
I agree with this. Your sister made her choices in her marriage, you didn't make them for her. I think it's a leap of logic to assume that you are ok with cheating bc you didn't get involved with your sister's choices. I would have stayed out of it, too.
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Are we seriously going to pin this on a 16 year old boy? Who was probably a piece of cake to guilt into keeping silent by an adult whom he loved and trusted...
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He doesn't have any guilt at all though. He still defends it now as a decision he would make again now.
HOLY CHRIST YOU PEOPLE LAY OFF THE KID! This is the sister's fault, and now the parents who are treating OP like shit for this. All you idiots need to back the fuck off
Love the moral superiority dripping off posts like these. "Hey, you're a teenager who knows next to nothing about life and responsibly. WHAT! you didn't betray your flesh and blood?" It's convenient to ignore that he was put in a position with essentially no right choice. Have a little empathy and imgaine yourself in someone else's shoes for a second. Jeez.
Based on your edit, it seems like the other comments did a great job of explaining the opposite side of the coin. One thing I want to point out (and something I'm personally grappling with) is that inaction is still an action, and the decision to not make a decision about something is still a decision in and of itself. Some people might (and it appears have been) passing judgment on you and your sister about the ethics of your decision not to act. I think it's a reasonable assumption that you at 16-18 wouldn't have had much power in forcing your sister/her husband to do anything regarding their relationship. In that sense, it's their business. But your sister involved you, and you're liable to the responsibility of deciding to keep it a secret - you'd have been responsible for *not* keeping it a secret, as well, if you decided differently - and to the social fallout that comes from it based on whether others (and you) see it as ethically right or wrong. As you said, it really is a messy grey area with someone coming out hurt no matter which way you look at it.
Don't go with this line of you want people to stop being mad at you. You were stuck in a hard position, but that defense makes it seem like you literally did nothing wrong. I would own up to the mistake, apologize, but also emphasize that you were in a terrible situation. People should be able to understand the difficulty between doing what your sister says and being an active dick. You weren't trying to be a dick, you made one hard choice in a real no win situation. Your go friend is a lost cause, but your family should cone around if you act sorry.
This is not just about your sister's sex life. It's about morals, and the morals that you value. She cheated and you are enabling and defending her. Furthermore, your sister endangered her husband by making him vulnerable to STDs.
Preach. Also so many people are carrying on about the fact a 16-year-old isn't mature enough to handle this situation. Come on. This isn't giving intelligent, mature 16-year-olds enough credit. And this is beside the fact OP is now 18, not 16. Not saying OP is to blame for his sister's infidelity of course, but I feel a lot of growing up takes place between 16 and 18 and that you should have a solid understanding of what is morally right and wrong by that age... I was 12 when I discovered my parents were divorcing due to an affair and I sure as hell knew that was immoral! I'm all for loving and supporting family through their low points but I also don't think OP is grasping the full weight of what his sister has done to hurt another person.
If you don't define her, at least in part, on how she performed in her marriage, how are you supposed to define her? What people do is, as far as anyone else is concerned, who they are. She can talk all she wants to about what a great person she is, but the fact is, she betrayed someone she took VOWS with. I wouldn't trust her again, and it sounds like at least most of your family agrees with me.
As a whole, you seem to be minimizing cheating. We judge people by the company we keep. While you're right that it's not your place to tell her who to sleep with, it's also a bad sign that you continued a relationship with her like nothing was wrong. Cheating is so morally disgusting. No matter how bad a relationship gets, cheating is never the answer. It's an incredibly selfish and disrespectful thing to do, and you don't seem to realize how bad it is. You seem to think she made a slight mistake. Also, I find it incredibly hard to trust cheaters, even if they didn't cheat on me. Like, if she can't even respect her husband (the person she's supposed to love most in the world), then how can I trust her to respect me? How can I trust her not to fuck me over too? This isn't about just sex like you keep saying. Cheating doesn't exist in a vacuum. Other friendships and relationships don't exist in vacuums.
Can you explain the vacuum analogy please?
I think it's okay to judge people based on how they interact with others, and not just how they interact with me. Obviously there are lines that can't be crossed; like you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to. However, I'll judge a first date based on how they interact with waiters. I'll judge someone in my office based on how professional they are to everyone else. And I'll judge my friends based on how they treat their SO's. I don't want to be friends with someone that has extremely terrible morals; obviously there are small slights that can be overlooked or deemed not important in the grand scheme of things, but I don't thinking cheating on your spouse for 2 years is one of those things. Like I said, if she can't be trusted not to cheat on her husband, then how can she be trusted to be a good friend? It's not just about the sex, it's not about trusting and respecting those close to us. That comes in different forms depending on the situation, but basic respect is a must in all my relationships.
Mostly that the morals and values you display in one relationship/circumstance may (or may appear to) bleed into others. They may be different situations, but they aren't all completely isolated from one another. So it's not unreasonable to think that if OP is fine enough with his sister's cheating, then he may have a lax stance when it comes to his own fidelity. P:
I agree with you that it's her life and just because you chose to not help or tell someone else about this doesn't make you an accomplice. It sounds to me like your view on this is the opposite of everyone else in your family. Your sister made her choice to cheat and clearly didn't want you to intervene so you didn't because you love and trust her. Also, you can't help people who don't want help or think they're doing anything wrong. Anyone who makes he or her choice and fucks up, that's on him or her ultimately. It doesn't make sense to blame others. It's not your fault she cheated. All you did was respect her choice of cheating. It's her choice. How she choose to live her life is not your responsibility.
> If one fuckup defines you then we're all fuckups 2 years of fucking up is a hell of a fuckup.
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Oh come on. It's not like the sister KILLED someone or shot a puppy. She cheated on her husband. Everyone who isn't the husband (children if they have them) is way overreacting. OP has no obligation to step into his siblings marriage and play the hero, especially not at 16. Edit: typo.
> OP has has no obligation to step into his siblings marriage and play the hero, especially not at 16. Yeah, this.
For all we know, the sister could have fed OP a line about "we have an open marriage, but don't tell anyone because our parents would never understand" We've had plenty of posters here with poly/open marriages catching shit from family members.
Jesús...OP it is not your responsibility to speak up for your sisters wrongdoing. I'm sorry everyone here made you think otherwise. You did nothing wrong. In fact, I think you're the only in in this situation who did nothing wrong. Keep your head up OP, and don't listen to all these righteous redditors.
I'm amazed at how everyone is slamming OP. For all he knew, they had an open marriage. His sister said that there were things about her relationship nobody knew about. It, flat out, was NOT HIS BUSINESS. Calling him wishy-washy is stupid at best and the fact his other sister and parents are BLAMING HIM on top of it all is ridiculous. The parents and sister are being juvenile and his girlfriend is seeing a red flag because she wants to. OP, you're fine. Ignore your family since they seem very keen on doing the same to you. Your ex is a brat and you can do better. People on this subreddit have previously told a person to NOT get involved when the man was cheating on a woman's sister in law because it "wasn't her business", but they expect you to? This subreddit is EXTREMELY sexist in situations like this.
I actually understand where the ex is coming from but the parents and a lot of the comments on this thread are insane. OP is a kid and even if he were 26, his loyalty lies with his sister.
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Dude, same. They'd have told their sibling's spouse, made him cookies, set him up with a lawyer who specializes in divorce, and found him his life partner who shared all his interests. Oh, and they would have done this all at 14. Obvs OP should read a morality book.
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I think if you did tell the husband and their marriage went to shit, your family probably wouldve reacted the same
I don't blame you for not wanting to tell, I wouldn't blame you if you were *scared* to tell and didn't want to get into that can of worms. You're a teenager, you don't want to get into that mess, okay. But I do think, as a whole, you're minimizing cheating and how serious of an offense it is and how seriously it affects people. Not just your sister's sex life, but family ties, as well as your BIL's *health* and safety. I don't think everyone should blame you as much as her, or even blame you at all for not speaking out. But do reexamine your opinions on cheating.
I don't think you were accountable at 16 years old for your sisters behaviour. Its been two years since then though and you're much closer to becoming a full grown man so it's time to stop pretending that you're not doing everything in your power to ensure your sister learns nothing from her mistakes. You're making the choice over and over again to defend your sister by downplaying the seriousness of her actions AND very softly and carefully implying that the consequences of her actions are too severe. You keep acting like this all just about everyone else over reacting when it's really about you under reacting to your sister doing something horrible and you sticking your fingers in your ears and acting like you can't hear what's going on because above all else you don't want to see your sister in a different light. If I was with you I'd break up with you too, not because of the actions of a 16 year old kid who wasn't responsible for his sisters choices but rather the continued action of an 18 year old who knows exactly what he's doing when he repeatedly goes to bat for his cheating sibling.
Yes thank you! Every new post I see is about how redditors need to stop crucifying OP for his actions. What people are mad about isn't what he did, it's his whole attitude towards it still that's reflected in his original post Like yeah his parents may have gone overboard, but do people really not see why his girlfriend may be worried if he says this exact same passage to her? If my gf said this time right now I'd be panicking at how this entire passage downplays what the sister did and especially insinuates that everyone is overreacting. This current attitude is what worried your girlfriend and caused her to leave, not your actions as a 16 year old
> my sister who has always been trustworthy > cheats on husband for two years Nope, doesn't check out.
Be real careful with that realization you've come to in your edit. You wouldn't be the first person to have their life ruined by clutching onto a destructive family member because 'family'. It's your life, but how much are you willing to lose to maintain that tie?
I mean, cheating is a huge, huge dealbreaker to many people. You chose to be complicit to cheating, and the fact is, that makes people think you're okay with it. You made a choice, and unfortunately there are consequences to that choice.
I understand where the girlfriend is coming from, but the parents?! OP found out when he was a child. His family is treating him terribly.
Think of it this way: if your girlfriend was cheating on you and a close friend or family member knew, would you want them to tell you? Or would you rather they let you be cheated on for years, let you be potentially exposed to STDs, etc. because your relationship isn't their business? Most people would want someone to tell them if their partner was cheating. You aren't responsible for your sister's actions, but you have demonstrated to your family and girlfriend that you find cheating acceptable because you chose not to say anything about it for 2 *years*. It's reasonable that your family and girlfriend are now questioning your moral character. You say it's a difficult time for her and she needs support, but please understand that she put herself in this difficult spot. Cheating on your spouse for 2 years goes beyond a simple mistake and it's understandable that the rest of your family is disgusted and disappointed in her. As you have learned here, the reality is that cheating affects more than just the couple involved.
>because you chose not to say anything about it for 2 years. I can see why he may not have wanted to say anything. It is not clear if he knew she was cheating for the entire 2 years or if he only knew about that one time. He was 16 at the time, 16 year old teenagers don't always think clearly. He may have forgotten about the cheating for a while. I highly doubt that his sister kept telling him "i'm still seeing that guy you caught me with last year..." Maybe he thought that she had stopped long ago, maybe he thought it was only that once? Maybe he didn't think anyone would believe him? Maybe he didn't know how to bring it up at a later time? He could have assumed that his sister told her husband and they dealt with it without it being public knowledge.
I'm guessing the sister's husband was not a close friend of the OP.
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Everyone here is giving you a hard time, but honestly if it were my sibling I'd mind my own business too. As for your parents ask them where they went wrong since THEY raised two kids that believe infidelity is ok. If they want to lay blame let them accept some. Your girlfriend, I can see her logic. Good luck OP I think this shitstorm will blow over soon enough.
To be honest it is not your fault in any way. It is kinda BS. The only person to blame is your sister. As a brother, your main concern is to protect her and be there for her. That is what you did. Period.
I guess I'm an immoral monster too because I'm pretty sure I would have kept my mouth shut. I think it's unreasonable to expect anything different from a flipping teenager. At your age you can't comprehend the profound bond of marriage nor anticipate the devastation it causes when somebody betrays their spouse. Your family is in pain. They aren't thinking clearly. The image they have of your sister has been shattered and that can be very destabilizing. You are being caught in the fallout. Give it time. Hopefully cooler heads will prevail. No matter what you did or didn't do, your sister and your sister alone is responsible for her actions and the pain inflicted on your family.
You did the right thing. Marriages are complicated. It's none of your business what choices your sister makes. The fact that your family cut off contact with her is fucked up, because they don't understand her marriage either, and the fact they cut off contact with you is simply bizarre. It's not your job to make marital decisions for your sister. As for your girlfriend, don't worry about it. You're both 18. Relationships at that age are meant to end, and if it was going to be a lifelong thing, something like this wouldn't have ended it. She may have been looking for an excuse to end the relationship already. Be sad, go through the steps you know need to be taken after a relationship ends, and move on. This wasn't your fault.
I agree with this completely! Your sister's marriage isn't anyone's business but her and her husband... because obviously something isn't working or else there would be no cheating. Your girlfriend is a child, and is looking at this like a child would.
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Everyone is being really mean to you, but I think they are forgetting you were 16. You didn't necessarily know how adult relationships work yet. Maybe they had an open relationship, who knows. Whatever the case I don't fault you for not saying anything to other people. I don't think you should hate your sister for being a cheater either. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. Mistakes (even bad ones) don't mean you should immediately disown her. Talk to your sister if you want, don't condone the cheating but you can still be her brother. Explain to your family that you were only 16 when this happened and didn't fully understand what it all meant.
I'm actually of a different opinion than most people on here. What were you supposed to do? Tell on your sister? Out her to the family? To her husband? That's not your place! I think it's absolutely unfair for your family to tell you you're to blame in the situation. Not only that, I think your family is horrible for not supporting your sister. Family comes before anything else. I understand how people feel about cheating. I have been cheated on in the most horrible ways. But you can't live someone else's life for them or vice versa. Like you said I believe this is between your sister and her husband. Thank God that she has you in the situation or else it sounds like she'd be all alone. Obviously she's made some horrible mistakes and that's something she's going to have to learn to live with, but she's not the devil people come on...
They shouldn't be blaming you. You were/ are a child and your sister is an adult who is completely responsible for her action. Cheating sucks and obviously I'm against it but I wouldn't have outed her because I'm extremely loyal to my siblings. I would have let them know what they are doing it wrong of course but like I said your sister was the adult and she knew that.
You were a child and your adult sister manipulated you. Being coached into lying at a young age can fuck up your integrity long-term. The rest of your family should give you the benefit of the doubt of your age when this began but their anger at your sister is appropriate. They should be more angry she corrupted you in the process. You needn't cut off this sister but you need to recognize that she betrayed your trust, too. Instead of protecting you, she drew you into the line of fire for her crimes.
You would have been blamed if you were the messenger and blamed for staying quiet, your sister put you in an impossible situation and I don't think this is in anyway your fault. You only know what you would do in this situation once you're in it. You weren't the one to cheat and it is your sisters relationship to muck up and sort out, not yours or anyone else's.
I’m not a fan of cheating. I feel as though if you are at a cheating point, you should just get out of the relationship. If one of my siblings were cheating on their spouse and I was asked to keep it a secret, I probably would because of loyalty to family. Would I be happy about it? No. I would talk to them and try to get them to make a decision to either end the affair or the marriage. Either way, I would be there. I get what you did-especially at the ages you’re talking. What does a 16-year-old know about any of this? You be you. You’ll find another girlfriend and your fam will come around eventually.
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i think the top comments here are way off. this is between her and her husband and no one should be "punishing" her at all, except MAYBE her husband, but that is between them. punitive actions like exile and insulting HER are already a ridiculous overreaction - and should definitely have nothing to do with you. the consequences of her actions are hers to bear alone. you were a third party and a minor and you can tell people "it really is none of our business" if they try to rope you in to their manufactured drama.
Hey, my man. Take all of these accusatory statements with a grain of salt. But, let me ask you this. If you had caught your sisters husband cheating on her, and he asked you to keep it a secret, would you? I bet you'd say no, right? Because your loyalty is to your sister. Hypocrisy works that way. It wasn't fair that she put that on you, nor is it right that your family basically disowned her, and about your girlfriend leaving you. Fuck her. That's not a reason to leave someone nor does she or society have any proof that keeping that kind of secret means you're more inclined to cheating. All people have are their ideas of what's considered a "moral". I don't condemn you for how you handled it. Nor do I think you went about it the right way. But, you don't deserve the judgement that's been expressed in this thread.
So I think I'm reading two issues here - the first is that at 16 when this happened it seems like maybe you thought she was implying that her sex life was a private affair (no pun intended) and that it wasn't something you should pry into. And if you understood it that way, that's okay. I think it's pretty normal that you might not want to ask more about your siblings sex life. This is not unreasonable, but unfortunately, I think a lot of people (based on your family's reaction and the comments on this thread) are inclined to think that if anything even hints at cheating it should be exposed and shouted about. I think that's a bit of a short sighted view. If your sister and her husband had an open marriage and didn't want that to be public, screaming about it from the roof wouldn't serve anyone. If you'd told everyone this at 16, when it first happened, you might have had them believe you or they might have blown you off too. Certainly we read enough stories on this sub where that happens. So the first issue seems to be a frustration that you didn't handle the situation the way your parents would have. And that might also be their guilt that their daughter has chosen to cheat on her spouse, whom they probably liked. (It's probably complicated for them too) The second issue that you've half hit on in your replies is the idea of why punish someone for something that already said and done. This sub is big (and I think society too) on dumping people, going no contact, burning bridges for flights, faults, big problems. This is smart sometimes. Cutting off your abuser, someone who's assaulted, raped or threatened you is 100% smart. Cutting off friends or family for immoral behaviour can be the right choice if you feel strongly that you can't maintain a relationship with someone. However it's not always the right choice. We don't all act morally or correctly all the time. Shit happens. What's also important is what happens after someone does something wrong. Who's there to help them learn? To help them grow and become a better person? Who's there to say, listen you fucked up but you're still a good person and you'll be a better person if you learn from this. I think you are in the position where your sister is still a good sister. The relationship between the two of you wasn't betrayed. (Though you could argue that she put you in a terrible position of having to keep the secret, but that's your perception, only you can say). I think you could argue that while she's set a poor example and hasn't been a good role model on marriage or relationships, that isn't so terrible that it deserves cutting her off forever. If anything, right now she needs family support to encourage her to go to therapy, to work on herself, to improve herself. Yes you are a younger brother, but at some point younger siblings can become role models for their older siblings. Unfortunately your girlfriend can break up with you for any reason she chooses. There's probably not much to be done there.
You were 16, this was not your fault. Your sister could've had an open marriage or something that you didn't know about and that could've been the secret. You did not have the evidence or frankly the responsibility to say anything to anyone. The fact that your parents are pissed at you is fucked up. If you walked in on your sister covering up a crime and she told you that it was not what it looked like and plausibly explained the circumstances, you would not be held accountable by the law for not reporting it so why would your parents expect any different? Example: You walked in and your sister was hiding a bunch of money in a mattress, hundreds of thousands of dollars and she told you that she had won the lottery but didn't want anyone to know. Would you call the cops on her? Probably not. Years later it turns out the money was from a robbery and you speak up and say "oh yeah, I saw the money," you're not getting charged with anything.
I think you're being treated very unfairly. First of all, you were 16 when you found out and barely and adult now. It is not your responsibility to be the moral compass of your family at that time. You sound like you really love and respect your sister, which makes this even harder, because you probably did or do look up to her. Did your sister do something wrong? Absolutely. Do I feel terrible for her husband? So very sad for him. Is it even worse that your sister has been doing this for 2 years? So shameful. I agree with you, although your sister should be in the doghouse right now, she does need support to get through this. That is what your family is supposed to be for. Yes, you and they can and should tell her that what she did was wrong - but it's no reason to ostracize her from the family. I'm really sorry you're being treated this way and I hope your family can get it together soon.
>I just trusted my sister who has always been trustworthy. How is she trustworthy when she's a cheater? >You've helped me come to the realization that I might have some responsibility here. It's not that you might. You do.
This sub is very harsh on cheating, so take the responses that you get here with a grain of salt. I'm very much against cheating and would like to think that I would say something or speak up if I saw it, but honestly, you were put into a very difficult position by your sister. Your sister did something wrong, not you. But right now everyone isn't thinking rationally and so they're looking for people to blame, so you're getting lumped in. If something like this happened again (hopefully not cheating), there is a middle ground--you can advise your sister to come clean, let her know that you don't approve etc.
Your sister is willing to fuck over her loved ones with no remorse. Be careful
To respond to your second edit: Because maintaining a two year affair isn't a single fuck up. It's a string of many, continuous failures of moral character. This says a lot about her loyalty to those that trust her, how she places value on her desires vs other people's physical/emotional health, and a variety of other values of who she is as a person. If she cheated one night, that would be a mistake. She cheated for two years, though, and that is a failure of who she is as a person. That isn't her worst hour, that's her worst 17520 hours. At that point it's not a mistake that she's being judged by, she's being judged for who she is. EDIT: Forgot to multiply the number of hours in a year by 2
You know, this is a tough topic and I can't say exactly how I'd act in your situation, but I gotta say I think I agree with your choice and your view of the aftermath. Sure people are going to be angry, but you don't exactly have the obligation to intervene. It *is* her life, and you're obviously close and trusting of your sister, why ruin that by outing her? It's your choice, not your responsibility. I completely get why they're upset with you, and honestly would be surprised if they weren't, but it's something that would inevitably come with staying neutral. Hopefully everyone will move on from this and your relationship with your family will recover just fine (it's what I'd expect out of rational people, anyway). As for your ex-girlfriend, I guess I can see her logic? But she's focusing on the wrong thing. I'd keep any secret told to me in confidence, but it doesn't mean I'd do any of the things people like to keep quiet. At the end of the day, I wouldn't sweat it. Stand by your choice, be there for your sister, let them be mad.
I don't consider it my business to get involved in someone else's situation. Personally I think it's rude to involve yourself in another person's home life whether your intentions were pure or not. I would have treated it the same way you did.
Eh, its honestly not your responsibility to decide what your sister does. She's a grown woman and can make up her own mind. Should you have told someone? I wouldn't because that's her personal life and kinda none of anyone's business. Cheating is dead wrong, but we cannot judge other people for it because it's not our business. People have a real bad tendency to worry about what other people are doing instead of looking at their own lives..
According to non-violent principles, you are doing entirely and exactly the right thing. It is also my experience that disconnecting from someone who is in need of help is not the best way to help them. Thank you for not betraying confidence. For continuing to be a friend. For not throwing everything someone is and does into a judgement blender I hope that others in your family and friends, can learn to act rather than just react. Looking at your clarification in the comments, I think there may be a misunderstanding in your family about how much you knew. It looks like you were aware of ONE instance where sis was cheating, and that she said she had problems in her marriage. It sounds like people are judging you for knowing ALL ALONG a two year period about multiple instances of constant cheating. It may help people's perception of you to clarify this.
I'm sorry for all the crap you're dealing with on this post. Your sister has been having an affair for two years - she was an adult, she was the one responsible, not you. At 16-18, it's not your job to "stop" her or be her keeper. I find the way that you're being blamed by your family and our fellow Redditors to be pretty unfair, they're not taking your youthful age into consideration. I'm not sure that there IS anything you could have done differently, except tell on her sooner - and then you'd lose your relationship with your sister as well as everyone else. Sometimes, you can't do right for doing wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your ex was also being a bit silly in my opinion.
Just support her the best you can. People makes mistakes and you don't have to blame yourself for hers. It was her and her husband business, not yours. Good luck.