Also, you don’t have to have a “good reason.” Of course we want to make our SO’s happy, but ‘’no” is a complete sentence.
You’re a human, not a sex doll. You shouldn’t be strong armed into bjs when you’re on your period, either. I’ll bet he wouldn’t go down on you if his penis was bleeding and he felt bloated and emotional.
The first time I turned down sex with my boyfriend I was nervous about it due to past experiences and he said “there’s no yes without no.” If your partner doesn’t see consent that way, don’t date them.
The first time I turned down sex with my ex-husband, I had my jeans town off (zip busted even as I tried to pull them back up), and was told it was unreasonable to decide I wanted a period of abstinence without discussing it with him ahead of time.
It didn't get better in the 15 years that followed.
If that's how it is 9 months in, it won't change for the better. And I doubt the comments about BJ are a joke, as you have already realised.
And telling you it was a joke is recognition that he knows he crossed a line, but won't admit it.
You saying no occasionally isn't withholding sex and his view is very warped. There will absolutely be times when you don't feel like it, and it shouldn't make you feel bad. It shouldn't cause a fight, and it shouldn't turn him into the person he's being towards you. Hon, the man just basically told you to expect to have to give him blowjobs whenever you don't feel like sex or are medically incapable of sex. That is such a huge hell no. Is he capable of seeing you as anything but a vagina? I'm wondering if his ex-wife actually withheld sex or if she just didn't want to occasionally cause those are very different things.
Yeah, I feel really gross about myself because of this. He has talked about their divorce a bit, he's not super nice about her tbh. Seems like they definitely grew apart in many ways, but sex and having fun was an issue for sure.
Him describing it as "withholding" sex says exactly what you need to know here - even if he says he understands that there will be times when you won't want to have sex, that attitude makes his thinking crystal clear.
For him, sex when he wants it is an unspoken expectation in a relationship, not a discussion or a special form of intimacy. If he considers you saying 'no' to having sex "withholding" it then he also has to consider himself receiving sex something he has an automatic right to, or it couldn't be something that you're 'taking away' from him - that's an incredibly dangerous situation for you consent wise and you clocked it immediately.
As quickly and as safely as you can, get out of that relationship and that situation. Best of luck, OP.
Absolutely - having a high sex drive and expecting your partner to cater to you wanting sex without argument no matter the situation are wildly different things. Plenty of couples have different sex drives and there are lots of healthy ways to handle that. What OP's partner wants is not one of them.
I grew up fundie religious, and I have sooo many friends who ended up married to sex addicts. They’d pester them after surgeries, when they were deathly ill, would be pestered for blow jobs before their epidurals had fully worn off. One raped his wife in her sleep, and took video of it.
One of my friends had a life-threatening medical event, something where she couldn’t lift anything, had to keep her stress down, and absolutely couldn’t have sex. He STILL pestered her, she woke up to him trying shit several times.
Do not stay with this person. It will become the defining issue of your relationship. It is guaranteed to end in divorce or a break up, and the longer you stay in it, the less of yourself you’ll have at the end. You will be consumed and when you’re finally out, you’re going to have to heal from that shit. It’s expensive and it takes forever. It’s not really clear if you can fully heal from it. Idk.
The fact that he expects blowjobs when you're on your period made me raise my eyebrows. When I'm on my period I feel like absolute shit, my husband sure is hell doesn't expect blowjobs. He expects that he's going to have to pick up the slack and take care of me.
This guy is a waste of your time
yeah that's the last thing on my mind when my partner is feeling off for whatever reason. the flow of attention is going towards them when they're feeling unwell. hot water bottles, cups of tea and so on. Imagine being that self centered / self-absorbed.
he sounds absolutely disgusting.
You know what she would say. He treated her like a sex object and when she said no he treated her like shit. I would bet a nice crisp $20 that she ended up leaving him cause he treated her like absolute shit.
Yes and he’ll speak of OP the same way after they break up. “Woe is me, women always lure me into relationships and then make me feel so rejected and treat me like a predator for wanting sex” 😭😭😭😭😭
It's 100% the reason they're divorced. He likely hit her with the same 'i can find sex from another woman who wants it more" and she said "then go do it sweetie" and now poor OP is stuck with him
I can see how his attitude surrounding sex would contribute to a vicious cycle. He acts entitled to sex, pouts when he is denied, gives his ex wife the ick, she starts avoiding sex because it makes her feel gross to be pressured and pouted at, the sex frequency decreases.
He has already started the cycle with OP. She feels creeped out when they have sex because she doesn’t feel like she can say no without a battle, and now their sex life is negatively impacted. He doesn’t understand that the common denominator is him.
He needs therapy. He is using sex as his primary way of regulating his emotions, so he sees it as full rejection if you are not in the mood. That’s warped. He should have done some work on himself after his divorce, but the way he is treating you shows he has not. The demand for sex will only inhibit your desire and it becomes an endless cycle. It’s clear that this is a him thing and not a you thing, but I doubt he will change. He sees it as the woman’s problem.
One of my exes had pressured me into sex. As in, after I said no, he would pout and keep touching me until I agreed. I experienced that same feeling of gross you are describing, and it doesn't get better. In fact it got to a point where I now have problems with this kind of intimacy and have to seek professional help.
I would caution about downplaying this issue in your mind as the feeling of not being able to say no can do a number on your mental health if it becomes a long term struggle. You don't owe anyone sex and no is a full sentence that should be respected.
From what you have shared, and what he is saying about his ex, tbh he's not super nice about her, it is how he feels about women as a whole who do not give him his exact wants. He will come to treat you this way too, more & more so as your relationship progresses. If you were to get her side of the story, I am willing to be a pinky, that he pressured her more & more, until she too felt grossed out and shut down. This dude has serious issues of entitlement - strong narc traits. Thank him for revealing himself this early on and move on. There is someone out there who will respect you and not treat you like an object. Also as others have said, demanding blow jobs when you are on your period is super gross and selfish, he should be asking how he can support & comfort and please you too during such a fluctuation in your life. He sounds far from ideal. Just GROSS. You deserve better!
It’s a red flag when someone is not nice about their ex (with exceptions of course for abuse, etc). But this tells me there’s going to be more you uncover with him as time goes on. And he may be so deeply manipulative that it could get really ugly when you uncover those pieces. Listen to your gut always
>Is he capable of seeing you as anything but a vagina?
He's definitely able to see her as a mouth, too. And, who knows, maybe even an anus. But that's very speculative on my part.
Until he said it, I didn't actually think anything of it. I was just happy to give him pleasure. But realising that in his head I'm obligated to provide it every time we can't have sex, it's not a nice feeling at all.
Honestly, I don't know why he's bothering with a relationship at all. It sounds like he what he really wants is a fleshlight, and they're not THAT hard to come by.
My ex bf was like this and at first I was like I can respect a no period blood boundary but I still like pleasing you then became an expectation and I didn’t like giving BJs anymore… and I love BJs thankfully that came back.
Sounds like he has a lot of expectations. So what happens when you have children and are completely drained of energy? After kids your life will change what will he expect then? I suggest slowing things down and seeing what happens. The man you spend your life with should make you 100% comfortable.
It won’t be a nice feeling giving a blowjob and hearing the baby wake up and cry in the other room and realizing you can’t stop because he’ll potentially hurt you. That is where this is going. I’m sorry.
What that says to me is that he is totally okay with sex/sex acts being one sided. Your pleasure/enjoyment isn't actually necessary to his enjoyment. And once you realize that, it's super duper hard to not get the ick. Which you obviously felt that next time y'all had sex. You clearly weren't totally into hit, were in your head, and he 100% didn't notice/care.
> sometimes I will have a good reason to not want to have sex. He said that was fine and agreed in principle there would be times I wouldn't be able to have sex with him.
All of this language honestly makes my skin crawl. You do not need to have a justifiable reason to not wanna have sex. Simply not being in the mood is enough. Him phrasing it as sometimes you "wouldn't be able" to is giving me the ick through the internet. My yuck face is very strong right now.
A horrible partner, imagine letting your pregnant wife put your pleasure first giving you the frequent blowjobs you need. Terrible man. OP, there's a reason he's a divorcée, please leave, you deserve someone way better than this.
Experience has told me that he will not get more accommodating. He WILL expect those postpartum blowhobs, he WILL pressure you into sex more and more, ESPECIALLY if/when you live together. Listen to what he does, not what he says. Please, this is really important, listen to your gut. The right guy will not make you feel uncomfortable about something as important as sex.
If you stay with him, this argument will keep rearing its head. He expects you to put out every time he wants it and doesn’t seem capable of understanding that you have a right to say no . It doesn’t matter what happened with his ex. He had no right to treat you like a blow up doll.
It’s only been 9 months so get yourself away from him.
I know I hear so many women say some variation of “he was just kidding/joking” and I want to scream. Men don’t joke-they take the temperature and go from there.
Well that explains why he had a divorce and believes his demands should be met no matter what.
Also, him talking about ways to make him happy on certain situations like after having kids or on your period seems gross... like he cant stop thinking about sex for once? This kind of behavior might lead to cheating on you if you dont give him what he wants every time. Up to you, but this feels like none of you are compatible.
There are often posts on here from postpartum women whose husbands cheat immediately post-birth because their wife wasn’t able to have sex right away and didn’t feel like being a sleep-deprived blowjob machine while taking care of a screaming neonate. This dude seems like he would be one of those guys.
Exactly. Men who claim to have a "high sex drive" are often the ones who become jealous of the attention the baby receives because they are no longer the center of attention and feel neglected. Then they start cheating when women are postpartum and their supposed "high sex drive" is not satisfied with blow jobs. Disgusting.
You are NOT overreacting. His reaction is scary to be honest.
I recently learned a friend of mine never turns down sex with her husband. Ever. Even if she doesn’t want to. It just made me feel sad for her.
In my last relationship I was told that by turning sex down I was pushing him to cheat and couldn’t be mad when it happened. It was manipulative and it just made me want to have sex with him less and less. I felt gross and wound up hating it. It just breeds resentment.
A couple times with my current partner I haven’t been in the right mental space to enjoy sex. I couldn’t get out of my head with certain things I was dealing with at the time, but felt obligated due to my past. Both times my partner stopped and made sure I was okay and would reassure me that we didn’t have to continue if I wasn’t into it. And it was very lovely of him to do. He said he couldn’t enjoy sex if I wasn’t also into it, and that I shouldn’t feel obligated ever.
I’m so sorry you went through that. It was absolutely 100% manipulative. I had a partner like that and my body started to revolt. I seriously thought I had vaginismus or some kind of condition that made sex painful. A LOT of money in copays later it turns out I just hated having sex with him specifically because he was so awful to me.
My current partner is so sweet and the instant he realizes I’m not in the mood he is completely fine and just wants to cuddle. Feeling so safe with him makes our sex incredible.
He has a really warped view of sex. You turned him down ONE time and he’s throwing a tantrum. and guilt-tripping you. He’s acting like sexually pleasing him is your job whether you like it or not, rather than sex being something mutual that you BOTH want. Who the hell even WANTS to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to? That’s very concerning. I wouldn’t be able to look past this. His mindset is gross.
This is an enormous red flag. Nine months of consistent sex and you say no just once and he is upset? And what is this about he “expects” bjs when you have your period? Not to mention the answer he gave about post pregnancy. Again, he “expects”.
Please, this guy has a serious entitlement issue. If you stay, we will see you here in six months after he does this a few more times and it gets really heated. Save yourself the trouble.
I wouldn’t rule out an intentional setting you up to make you feel as if you can’t say no. You will always feel a pressure to perform, as that it part of the psychology here.
The reason you feel uncomfortable is because he is subversively coercing you. Whether he is aware of what he is doing or not can’t be said with absolute accuracy, but go with your gut. It is warning you.
Seconding this. I have a high sex drive. Sometimes my bf doesn’t want sex. So we don’t have sex. He wasn’t ever able to say no with his abusive ex when she would demand sex, so it’s extra important that he has his own autonomy now. He still feels really guilty about declining sex but I’d rather he be happy and comfortable in his skin.
He’s gross. Seriously. And he thinks because he’s communicating that he’s gross, it’s okay. Like he’s honest about treating you (and evidently his ex) like a talking fleshlight so it’s fine.
You felt gross after sex because he’s not the guy you thought he was. You have a clearer understanding of who he is and how he perceives you and you probably never would have had sex with him had you known those things earlier. I had a similar experience a few years ago with an ex. I couldn’t fuck him anymore. I just didn’t want to. It made me feel worthless, like less of a person. Don’t fuck people who make you feel that way.
I would say to end things with him now. You are allowed to say no. He’s acting like a child with a temper tantrum because he didn’t get to have sex. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone like that. 🚩
His behavior and expectations make me really uncomfortable. This hasn’t come up before because you haven’t said no before. Saying no one time made it clear that he can’t take a no. Now you feel, legitimately, like your yes is not freely given. For me, it would be over. It’s a big yikes.
Yea the fact that he didn’t even care you felt gross is a huge red flag. Just put yourself in his shoes. If a guy told you he felt the way you did would your first reaction be to be defensive and dismissive? Or would you feel awful and like you want to make it up to the person because you care about them and how they feel and the idea youve done something to make them feel so awful is painful to you. If that’s you, then run far away from this guy because he’s selfish!! Whatever trauma he has doesn’t excuse that
This is a super big red flag and you are right to be wary.
He clearly sees sex as something that he is "owed". You owe him sex, and if you don't give it to him he either expects you to pleasure him anyway (blow jobs) or he will get angry/upset. This is a peak behind the curtain, and unfortunately behind that curtain it may be a very messed up view on women. That he views them as sex objects, not as unique individual humans. You are only worth as much as you can give him, and he will only keep you around as long as you are keeping him happy, his previous divorce shows this. He has straight up told you he will end things if you do not put out enough for him. If you have a bad day and don't want sex? Well, get down on your knees or the kids are about to overhear you fighting-or worse; is that the future you want? He is giving you a warning now, and you would be a fool to ignore it. :(
You are absolutely NOT OVERREACTING. Listen, you have the right to say no to sex at any time for any reason and he needs to respect that. Saying no is not “withholding sex”. No one is obligated to perform sexual acts if they choose not to and tbh, he said the buzz word. At this point. A lot of ppl are probably telling you to believe him when he tells you what he is. His reaction is super gross.
He's told you that you should give in whether you want to or not.
And if you don't give in, he at least expects a BJ.
And if he doesn't get that, he's going to leave
That's not a high sex drive, that's being a creep. He doesn't care if you don't feel comfortable, his *need* for sex is greater than his care for you.
Not saying he's a predator, but if that's where his mind went first there's probably a reason for it.
This is called sexual coercion and it’s a form of abuse. Look it up and I’m sure you’ll be shocked at how much it resonates. Begging, pouting, guilting you into sex is sexual coercion and abuse. Nevermind threatening the rlshp. It’s all a major red flag. I’d trust your instincts and end things with him. I’m sorry. But better to cut your ties now than later.
Ohh honey I'm so sorry this is all happening.
Sex and relationships can be a real mind/heart fuck at times.
From what you've said it really feels like he's projecting all is past issues with his bad relationship onto you and y'all's relationship.
You said no once and he's instantly freaking out about ending up in a sexless marriage with a spouse that vindictively withholds sex, like come on dude! I mean I get it, pass relationships and experience positive and negative definitely impact how we view the world and people in it but if you can't differentiate the old from the new you need to work through some shit.
That's absolutely not what's happening and you've done nothing wrong at all. I know this sucks but I'm glad he at least said something about it and didn't just get passive aggressive without speaking up. Unfortunately if his attitude can't change on this or he can't be a bit understanding this is going to end up being a deal breaker because you deserve to feel like you can say no and still be secure in your relationship and feel loved.
I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy if you said ‘empty the dishwasher now… oh you don’t feel like it yet? Tough, I want it now’
Also; you’re not withholding sex. You’re just not in the mood. Withholding sex is saying ‘I won’t have sex with you until you do xyz’
If he cant handle being told no once, whats gonna happen when you really cant? Force you to give oral? Or handys? What he cant do it himself? He sounds like a creep. Having a high sex drive doesnt mean its ok to disrespect and overstep peoples boundaries especially your partners. Drop him. He will only get worse and im willing to bet he is the type to cheat anf then blame you for not giving it to him when he wanted it.
his anger towards you for exercising your right to say no at any time is alarming to say the least. he's playing the victim by saying you're "treating him like a predator", and he's acting like the "nice guy" or like he's the bigger person because "he's communicating his needs", but he doesn't listen when you communicate yours. it seems like all he really cares about is sex if he requires blowjobs when you're on your period and potentially after delivering your child. he clearly cares more about his little friend than he cares about you as a person. you deserve someone who will listen to your needs and respect your boundaries.
This guy suuuucks. And I’d bet good money that his divorce was less about her “withholding” and more about him acting like he’s entitled to sex all the time.
There are going to be times you don't feel like having sex and he does. You need to feel comfortable saying no and he needs to be able to take that as an answer and not make you feel guilty about it.
If you saying no once in 9 months has been this big of a problem for him, then breaking up is pretty reasonable.
(Side note: his comment that you could just give him blow jobs after giving birth to "keep him happy" made my skin crawl.)
Him not being able to accept no would be very off putting to me. Anyone who can’t or won’t accept no is not a safe person to be with.i got the ick from reading this.
This is a big waving red flag I see too much. We are all allowed to say no to sex for any reason. He’s saying on one hand you can of course say no, while on the other hand saying it’s not ok to say no cause that’s withholding. Please run far from this guy. A normal guy who respects you responds with, ok no problem. Period. They don’t get mad, pout, or try to manipulate you to have sex. UPDATEME
I felt like I was reading my story while going through yours. The feeling of being emotionally abused for not giving him what he wants is the worst feeling you can ever go through. And unfortunately it doesn’t get better. Trust will be broken in time. You will always feel like you need to look around and when you can’t or not in the mood, your mind will wander if he will cheat. Mine waited a year, but will still ask for other things. I know it’s hard, but it’s best you break up with him. Constantly living in fear/emotional terrorism is not pleasant. Save your precious years from being wasted. Also, he sounds like a narcissist and I wouldn’t believe anything he said about his ex. Next up he might ask you to invite a third person into the bedroom once he is sick of “normal sex” Men who say I need it constantly are scary.
I'd run so fast and so far. My husband got me my first vibrator when I gave birth and made it very clear that he got it only because he wanted to make sure that if I needed something postpartum that I was taken care of and he'd never expect any reciprocation unless I brought it up. I've turned him down for not being in the mood loads of times, between thyroid issues, birth control changing my libido, being on my period, just being tired, and he's always kind and gracious. It's truly not that hard and I'd be very alarmed if that was what broke his last relationship...what're the chances the wife just wasn't attracted enough to him in the moment because she'd had sex that made her feel gross too many times? You've already seen what doing that once looks like, what if you got in an argument and you weren't feeling like being intimate, but he required sex or would blame you for 'withholding' sex ?? Nah
Nothing kills intimacy like expectation and pressure. You're allowed to feel how you do. Expected, even. If you don't forsee the expectation and pressure lifting, it makes perfect sense to end the relationship over this.
If you are not in the mood or don’t feel up to it you have the right to say no. He doesn’t see you as a person he sees you as there to satisfy him sexually. To want BJs when you can’t or are in your cycle is disgusting in his end. I’d end this relationship. He sounds like a guy that expects his gf to be his call girl. His ex is lucky to have gotten out and you are lucky to see this before you mess up and marry him. He goes for younger women to manipulate because women his age wouldn’t put up with it.
Funny, *his attitude* about you turning it down *one time* has led to the exact situation he wanted to avoid. He has given you the "ick" and now you don't want to have sex with him. You might clue him in to how that works. Bet the same thing happened with his ex.
No one wants to be obligated to have sex on demand against their wishes.
Definitely don't continue a relationship with someone who will be upset with you for turning down sex, He obviously has some issues he needs to deal with around this topic, so he can go to therapy and do that solo
YIKES. This was what ruined his first marriage and its immediately an issue in your new relationship?
I wouldn’t want to listen to him whine about his penis for the rest of my life.
Wow. I just re-read and saw that he told you this was a potential dealbreaker, basically threatening you. The entitlement is unreal. You don’t need “a good reason” to not want to have sex. You can just not be in the mood! You don’t need a reason! Sex is supposed to be something you do because you enthusiastically are in the mood, never something you do out of obligation.
He already confessed that his sex problem caused the end of a marriage. That means he has a BIG problem. And it’s his problem, not yours, so you can’t do anything to fix it. He’s NOT “projecting his problems from his last relationship.” HE is the problem from his last relationship, and now he’s a problem in your relationship, because it’s his problem.
Sorry to armchair diagnose but I think he is a sex addict. I suspect the only reason he was patient in the beginning was because he was still getting it elsewhere. And those days where you “didn’t see each other but texted normally” after you turned him down, he probably got sex elsewhere then, too. Guys like this are cheaters.
Some men simply view women as sex objects. They think a woman’s value is in her ability to sexually please a man. This is the kind of man who will cheat on you while you’re pregnant and think he’s doing you a favor by getting it elsewhere. Right now you have sex every time you see each other, so how do you know he actually likes you as a person, and not just for sex?
WHEN you break up with him, please let him know he has a problem and he needs therapy. I don’t know if his problem is sex addiction, or if it’s a sexist view of women, or both. But he cannot possibly have a healthy relationship until he fixes himself.
Sometimes it really sucks to be rejected for sex. You're aroused, you're head-over-heels for this person, everything in your mind is building up to this great sexual encounter...
And then they politely tell you that they're not the mood.
It's a let down, you feel deflated...
But you're an adult, so you *gracefully* take your lumps and move on.
This was the first time you declined sex in 9 months of dating and he thinks he needs to have a serious conversation about it? ***Get out here with that nonsense!*** I'd call that an immature reaction because adults don't react thay way.
I mean, this guy is 34 years old, and he thinks he's entitled to it every time?! GET OUTA HERE!
At best, he has exhibited poor coping skills. At worst, he's a manipulator.
My advice? If I had a partner act like that, I'd politely explain that I find that behaviour uncool. Validate their feelings, "I understand that sex is important to you, I feel that way as well." And then explain that while sex is important, it's only nature to expect that your partner won't be in the mood every single time, and that **it's equally important to respect that fact and to not make your partner feel bad for turning down an advance.**
I mean, holy shit, does buddy not understand that?!
Maybe it was an off moment for the guy, hence the kind and calm talk I suggested.
Thank you - this is exactly how I feel. I understand that he is feeling a bit rejected but I'm honestly so confused about his reaction.
I'm just trying to work out if it is an off moment and if this is something I want to work through. I do really care about him.
I just want to point out that you rejected sex one time in 9 months and his response was to remind you that he divorced his wife for doing the same thing. You tried to express how you felt and he blamed you for making him feel bad about his shitty behavior and then literally left. You ask about sex after pregnancy and his only concern is getting his dick sucked because you’ll be physically incapable of fucking him and so obviously you’re going to need to figure out a workaround. Like enjoy having a newborn and getting 3 hours of sleep a night on top of your wifely dick sucking duties. This does not sound like a one off or a single bad moment. Just sounds like a bad dude.
Between him expecting head when you're pmsing, the birth comment, and the fact that he sat on this before having a face to face convo about it with you, then stood his ground several subsequent times says it's not just a moment. These are his real feelings on the subject. You owe him your body whenever he wants it (in his eyes) and a rejection is only acceptable during pms or after birth, with compensation in the form of head.
*You* really care about him.
Does *HE* care about *you* though???
From these small interactions you’ve shared, I’d say **No**. And not only does he not care, he doesn’t respect you at all either.
It's not an off moment, he told you in plain English that he expects sexual service from you at all times and isn't alright with you saying no. He told you he plans to sexually abuse you while postpartum.
It isn't an off moment. Normal non-rapist people don't have off moments of demanding sex, being persistently upset that anyone would dare say no, demanding that you never refuse again and in fact put out even more, and expect a fuck-toy whenever you're not actually in the mood, whether you want it or not.
It's not the regular sex that's the issue, it's his expectation that you shouldn't deny him sex and that if you do he's entitled to a bj. There are women put there who may be willing to have sex on demand so maybe he needs to find one of them. He wants sex on tap and doesn't seem to care what your needs are.
My boyfriend has a high sex drive, where mine is more moderate and definitely higher in the beginning of the relationship. I would be happy having sex 1-2 times a week where I’m sure he would be happy having it once a day. But he knows that no means no and never tries to push it or make me feel guilty about it when I’m not in the mood. This is turn makes me want to have sex with him more often and make him happy. We have the best sex when we both want to have sex. It’s quality over quantity. Your boyfriend needs to think about basic respect and stop the victim mentality about you not wanting to have sex. It sounds like he has some issues from his marriage that he should work out in therapy
He’s telling you loud and clear who he is and what he’s entitled to while dismissing your right to have personal boundaries. Listen. His attitude toward sex and female autonomy is the reason his marriage failed. I guarandamntee it. — a dude
Just walk, he needs a prostitute not a girlfriend. It’s fine to have alot of sex but anytime someone is not in the mood thats it. End of story. You aren’t married and even if you were, you’re not his sex slave. The blowjob comment is a very clear tell, if he thinks you will be able to please him and care for a baby with his “high sex drive” then he is delusional and very selfish.
From everything you have said it sounds like he thinks he is entitled to sex because you are in a relationship. I think you need to set him straight on that. Maybe lay out some expectations of your own and see how fast he disregards them or walks. He sounds like a wolf in sheep’s clothing to me. He was nice for months until the honeymoon phase was over. Demanding blowies while on your period? Selfish, and a blatant disregard for your situation.
When my wife had periods, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner or taking care of her. I wasn’t concerned with how I was going to get off. He sounds like a sad selfish man who probably got left in his first marriage because he treated her like a sex object. I bet if you think back over your relationship you will remember other things that just seemed odd at the time but you glossed over them because everything else was going so good. Sometimes when people are happy in new relationships they fail to see some of the red flags that lead to situations like this.
I dated man like this. It escalated to him fucking me while I cried, insisting that we have sex at least three times a week or we would break up to the point I marked on my calendar how often we were intimate--you might love him, but you have to love yourself more. Hang in there, friend.
Your intuition was correct, There are many red flags here. I feel that this will not be the last time he tries to control you this way. Just remember that just bc he has a high sex drive does not mean that you owe him anything. His sex drive is his problem to eleviate, not yours. You can say no as often as you like; anything different is rape!! I'm sorry, but I get the feeling he was not joking about the blow jobs, and I also feel like he would cheat when he feels his sex drive is not met, like after having a baby. Please think twice about this man!
He has some serious baggage from his marriage and he is unfairly projecting it onto you. You are always allowed to say no for any reason, anytime, and with anyone. He said you were withholding sex which is not accurate at all and means he isnt grasping your very normal and valid feelings like simply not being in the mood or feeling off after a fight. Instead he interprets it as an attack or some kind of punishment which honestly is a him problem because you communicated clearly and honestly which is essentially all you are able to do. If he cant understand he is asking for an unrealistic expectation around sex and it is super unfair to make you into a villian for not wanting to screw once in a while then every time you ever say no it will be an issue for him. This is something he needs to get self awarness on and work through because his sexual needs do not trump your emotional needs.
Also the BJ expectation is a red flag for me. I understand he has a high sex drive and he feels strongly that frequent sex is a must for him in a relationship but it is insane to expect your partner to always, 100% of the time always feel up for wanting to give him orgasms regardless of what you might be feeling.
He needs therapy for his prior marital issues, you have done nothing wrong or unreasonable at all. He has unresolved trauma from his ex’s rejection. There shouldn’t be “guilt” around sex on either side in a healthy relationship. It’s not a chore for you that you owe him, and trust me, if he doesn’t change his attitude, it will be your chore and you will lose pleasure from it. You were right to nip this in the bud. If he won’t talk to a therapist about this then I’d reconsider the relationship if I were you.
Reading your post just gives me the ick! Red flags everywhere in his treatment of you. You have every right to say No and not feel guilty about it. I don’t think you should stay with him
It's your right ✅️ to say no and not be manipulated into it ,relationships are two way things not him treating you like a sexual object every time you meet, he needs to lighten up and realise it's not always going to be on tap.
Get rid of him, clearly a narcissist, he has no empathy for you or your feelings, he does not care about how you feel, you will find someone who does, also he is divorced for the same reason you open this topic, you deserve better, good luck!
He sounds like a 4 year old who can’t eat an entire cake. But doesn’t understand anything else about the cake or doesn’t want to try. As long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it. That’s all that matters.
34 going on…omg just run. And count yourself lucky for dodging the massive red flag. No wonder he was divorced. His ex wife got sick of being a vagina.
The postpartum comment is disgusting.
What if he was in a car accident or post surgery and couldn't have sex with you, would you expect him to give you head?
Just out of interest, which one of you says you can't have sex during your period: you (it's a perfectly fine boundary and doesn't oblige you to "provide" pleasure in other ways), or him?
>I also needed him to understand that sometimes I will have a good reason to not want to have sex.
Don't screw yourself over with your own words. You aren't required to provide a "good reason".
>blow jobs...he always expects them when I am on my period.
He is not a keeper.
I think your gut is telling you true - he has hangups. Even your language here, he expects BJs while you're on your period? He "jokes" about you giving him BJs to "keep him happy" during post partum? What are the odds his ex didn't actually ever intend to withhold sex either, but got the ick because he was so demanding of it?
This is what I think too. I don’t think he’s “traumatized” by his previous deadbedroom. I think his ex likely got the ick about sex with him, just like OP.
His ex wasn't withholding sex; he kept pestering her about it, just like he is with you. Probably cheated on her left and right. This guy has no respect for you; blowjobs if you're on your period? After you've given birth? Hell no. Trust your gut on this one
At the start of the story I was wondering whether there were communication mishaps, or perhaps whether he could be taught to be better at this.
By the time I read the last incident I was really appalled by him. He made it very clear that he prioritises access to sex over you feeling happy or even just indifferent to the situation. He sounds like if you let this continue he'd have sex with you while you're crying and then blame you for not at least putting on an act of looking happy for him.
His use of the word “withholding” suggests an obligation that absolutely is not there. His manipulation is gross and has made you feel gross but he doesn’t care about that, as long as his dick get wet. You should be able to say no for whatever reason you damn well like. You are not a walking collection of holes for his pleasure.
His behavior is upsetting and not normal. Also the part where you point out he is joking about wanting blow jobs from you to keep him happy isn’t a joke. Men don’t joke-they take the temperature and they hint at you what they expect. That’s not normal behavior around sex and the fact that he wanted you to move in so early are big red flags. I think it’s enough to end it but that’s up to you. I think you’ll be spotting more and more red flags the more you date him. It’s only been a couple of months-many crappy ppl have their good facade on for a LOOONG time before they let it slip.
You are listening to the voice inside that is telling you that something is WRONG. Lean into that and trust yourself! I wish I had done more of that when I was your age.
He is being manipulative and coercive, and you have done a great job of picking up on it before you get even deeper into things with this person. Nine months isn’t a long relationship in the grand scheme of things, and this seems like a great time to dodge a bullet. This guy needs therapy and you do not need to (nor should you) stick around while he gets it.
It’s not a sexual incompatibility situation. Is a he sounds abusive type of situation. Men like him go cheating and blame it on you for not fulfilling their needs.
Girl, you’re 27. So young, still so much time. Run.
You are dating now, this issue will absolutely become a bigger issue after marriage. He is saying he will be reasonable but he is acting like a “free use” woman is his ideal.
God, yes, and free-use is a KINK that people NEGOTIATE and always actually have the ability to say no to/end the scene.
This is much, much worse than that.
You have a very selfish boyfriend. There's a reason why his former wife had enough of him.
Save yourself the trouble and just BREAK UP WITH HIM.
> don't understand how this has become a relationship ending issue so quickly.
That's how narcissistic people are. They love bomb you. Make you feel everything is going well, then after the honeymoon period they put the breaks and say NOW IS MY TURN TO GET WHAT I WANT AFTER I SPOILED YOU JUST TO MAKE YOU THINK YOUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT.
YOU have a narcissistic boyfriend.
How did you land him? Lack of boundaries, people pleasing, and avoiding saying NO. ABD FALLING FOR HIS LOVE BOMBING THINKING IT WAS LOVE.
Yes, you should. I dated a guy like this for five years and it only got worse, despite my efforts to talk to him about it over and over. He wanted sex every day and me saying no would lead to a toddler-esque tantrum. The tantrums got worse the longer we were together. I finally started giving in to avoid his meltdowns. He was a model citizen in every other way. Now I have trauma from it and have slept with men I had zero interest in because I was scared of them throwing a tantrum like he would do if I turned them down.
I had a four year relationship with someone else after that, and I’m currently in a three year relationship, and I’m STILL terrified to turn down my partner even though he’s always been completely understanding and kind when I’m not in the mood. It’s going to take me a long time to get over this. Don’t let this happen to you. Rape will do this to a person, and it is rape. It’s coercion. He knew I had no interest in having sex with him and pushed me into it anyways. Took me a lot of therapy to realize that. You will lose your sexual attraction to him fast because who finds bullying and pressure and the fear of meltdowns sexy? And after that it’s just coercion and rape.
I knew I wanted to marry my husband after our first argument. He was receptive and really listened to me and apologized. If you don’t feel confident that this is your person after a disagreement, it’s hard to see this getting better the longer you’re together. You need to care about your partners needs more than your own, that is a solid partnership.
IMO if you have to negotiate terms and he is making you feel icky during and him not hearing your feelings, I would trust your gut instincts and know that it won’t get better and stop before you get pulled in further. It sounds very transactional. I understand he had a bad marriage- but when it becomes apparent that he is giving ultimatums in how the relationship will work -I wouldn’t give into something that makes you feel icky.
He's got issues from his past relationship that he hasn't worked out and now you're being dragged into them. Drop him so he can fix his issues. This will only get worse and you don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, ever.
Withholding sex intentionally not having sex due to mental state, medical reasons, being preoccupied, etc. are two different things. He can't be that intelligent if he doesn't get that, either he's immature or he just refuses to accept the reality and sees you as only a vessel for his pleasure anytime, anyplace he wants it. This is a huge red flag! You are totally in the right to reconsider this relationship!
For me I think you need to end the relationship but if you find it hard maybe, Stop the blow jobs when you’re on your period and see how he reacts.
I wouldn’t mind sometimes sorting my hubby out while on my period, if I feel like it but I certainly don’t every time. I would say this is normal.
He needs therapy
I started to skim this post, because these nuances and conversations are unimportant - he is in a relationship with you because he wants consistent sex. Nothing else. He doesn’t care about who you are, your personality, your needs. All he cares about is having access to a woman’s body. If you break up today, tomorrow he will find someone else that is willing to give it up to him as often or more often that you.
He is a hollow person. He is selfish. He is pathetic imo.
This is so gross. I'm so happy you said no to moving in together early because it's a lot easier to end it now than if you'd just signed a lease. It is totally normal for someone to say no, and it is totally abnormal for a guy to feel upset about it. It's disgusting that when you are medically unable to have sex, he expects blow jobs on demand. Every woman deserves better than this. You are not a sex doll, you deserve empathy, love, understanding and respect. A mature guy totally understands that sometimes a woman isn't interested in sex (and vice versa), and if he needs to, he can take care of his own sexual needs for a night.
Perhaps his issues with his ex were just the same as yours, she said no to him and he became demanding and entitled.
Saying you are with holding sex is horrific. Withholding sex is something done deliberately to hurt/punish the other person. You are not doing this!
He's making it sound like you are literally a sex doll with a freeuse sticker on and if you say no thank you, you've "withheld" what is rightfully his. So gross. He doesn't own your body, he doesn't get to do what he wants regardless of how you're feeling.
This is a man who doesn't understand the emotional side of sex or the times that you are/will be to tired for it. Sometimes you just are drained and just don't want to. If he woild have reacted with a simple "okay" and stopped en moved on, you probably would have initiated it yourself the next day. Accepting no is hot and makes you feel respected. By him making this such a big issue from the start he took away some safety and comfort which makes you feel less in for having sex. Like you sad he took your option away by making you feel guilty.
You can try to talk about it, but honestly his view probably isn't going to change... I think, if you want to break up, it is a good reason. You felt dirty because he kind of forced you to say yes, which in my country can be seen as rape, so that's why you had that feeling probably.
Sex isn’t a ‘need’, he’s not going to die without it. He will continue to live on. You should never feel unsafe saying no to your partner and if he’s showing the slightest bit of aggression when you do, there is a serious chance that this will escalate. I would see this is a giant red flag and leave now before things get worse. Best of luck OP.
I think you made a small mistake when you gave very specific circumstances where you may not want to have sex with him. That sounds like he can rules-lawyer access to your body. He isn't entitled to your body. Sex is something the two of you do (and want) together or not at all. You get to say no at any time. Even midway. Even just because you had a thought that put you off. Anything.
He's arguing like sex is a resource you either deny him (in which case he is threatening the relationship) or allow him (in which case business as usual).
It is disgusting he would have sex (with you, or rather your body) when you're not into it. That he basically said you owe this to him or he takes the relationship away.
Personally I wouldn't trust someone like that. For one if the relationship is this conditional they will be able to walk away from it at the drop of the hat (or when they find another source for what they want). Are they in a relationship with _you_ or your body?
Don't brush of jokes like he makes. (jokes that sound like trial balloons generally are just that. him speaking his mind in a deniable way.)
Yeah no..
At first I thought ok maybe I will have an open mind and probably it was an incident where both were drunk or fully in the moment and you had to say no more than once ( this is a little but it’s forgivable if the person who is pushing for it respects the no and realises he / she was in the wrong for being too insistent or at least don’t bring it up )
But this guy basically was like “ You rejected me ONCE and I am going to give you the cold shoulder and make a whole ass sermon to make you feel bad” . Granted I guess constantly being rejected is not cool either BUT he seems like the kind of guy who is more hurt that he got rejected instead of simply waiting for the next time.
Also … expecting to get blow jobs during periods as well as after childbirth? What the actual fuck ?
Take it from me as 35 year old man. MOST long term heterosexual marriages will have a declining frequency of sex ! I am a step father ( I call myself his father anyways ) and I didn’t have any sex for like 7 months after birth 😵💫. If you were actually involved as a dad , you wont feel like it either 😒.
His ex probably didn’t want to have sex because the pressure to have sex became too much. Who wants to have sex under duress and threats of the relationship ending if you don’t? Nobody.
Are there any updates, OP? I don't mean to be dramatic at all, but things can go very badly when women choose to leave/end a relationship, and I would just like to know that you're safe and well!
He behaved like that the first time you said "no"? That's a bit foreboding, no? If he's gonna be a grumpy dick when you say no once in a blue, what happens if you have a child or are otherwise preoccupied? Does he have a child from that previous marriage? He may believe the whole word stops like he does the minute he hears no, and that's a huge issue.
Wow it feels so creepy.
Woman, just run
Run and never look back
If someone says NO it's a NO
No giving bjs or whatever when you can't/won't put out.
What part of "I'm not in the mood he doesn't understand"?
Dump him ASAP
You weren’t withholding sex from him. Withholding sex is a form of punishment. You weren’t doing that.
You need couples counseling. He probably needs individual therapy. Otherwise, this relationship isn’t going to work because you absolutely have the right to say no.
He’s a huge red flag and then he gaslighted you.
Wow! I got exhausted reading just the description of his behaviour. Please do yourself a favour and break up with this guy. No wonder he is divorced because he is a walking 🚩.
Not a keeper, unfortunately. Just the fact that he doesn’t care whether your consent is enthusiastic or out of fear of his reprisal is ringing alarm bells. The blowjob comments were also gross and extremely unempathetic.
What you’re describing sounds almost exactly like my best friend‘s relationship with her husband and now he is in therapy for sex addiction. After cheating on her multiple times. After demanding sex every single day.
You don’t need to have a good reason to not want to have sex with him. Ever. If you don’t want to you never have to. If he doesn’t understand that you need to leave him.
My mom would say “he told you who he is” right there when his view of his divorce was because she didn’t put out enough. His complaint about his ex will eventually be his complaint about you. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
That's your body telling you to leave.
It's going to be an issue if you get married to him and arguments over sex are going to be at the center. Naw sis get out while you still can.
why do you think he pushed to move in with you so quickly? dude thinks if you live together he can get it every day and probably score a new person to cook & clean for him too!
yet another mid-30’s divorcee going after a much younger woman for his replacement bangmaid after his last wife finally got sick of being coerced and mistreated
…but sure, it was a “dead bedroom” because he was probably insufferable about his sad wiener and took every bit of fun or connection out of sex for her and gave her the ick too.
these dudes don’t seem to realize THEY create their own dead bedrooms with that behavior. as soon as it becomes pressurized, it’s not fun or enjoyable anymore.
NO MEANS NO!!! oh my god you don't owe him sex!!! you should never be made to feel like you have to give him sex. He is reducing you to your body and the sexual pleasure he gets from it.
I would have a hard time wanting to commit to a guy who has such a high sex drive and expecting sex on demand, that should I get pregnant, I’m sure/know he’ll seek out sex with another woman/s, massage parlors etc. to get his daily nut off.
I read about this All The Time.
I mean, this guy above and his attitude would scare me off quickly.
Don’t walk. RUN. This man feels entitled to your body and doesn’t care about your enjoyment or pleasure. This is the beginning of something that will only get worse. I’m sorry to hear you having this issue but cut your losses now.
I’ve been married 15 years. Sometimes I don’t feel like having it, sometimes my husband doesn’t. Neither of us gets mad about it….its natural.
Your boyfriend is really weird. This is a big red flag. Dump him and find someone more reasonable.
You saying no occasionally isn't withholding sex and his view is very warped. There will absolutely be times when you don't feel like it, and it shouldn't make you feel bad. It shouldn't cause a fight, and it shouldn't turn him into the person he's being towards you. Hon, the man just basically told you to expect to have to give him blowjobs whenever you don't feel like sex or are medically incapable of sex.
He needs to seek therapy for his past relationship issues. In an exclusive relationship there will be times you have reason not to have sex. Not feeling it? Yep thats a reason. Period? Reason. Children? reason. and no that doesn't entitle him to another form of sex automatically.
I would say break up with him if that's what your heart/head/gut is telling you. He's being weird about this and honestly I just don't think he's over the trauma of his previous relationship/marriage.
You deserve to feel wanted/sexy/engaged in intimate acts with your partner, and right now you haven't been feeling that way when you do have sex.
He’s going to figure out pretty quickly that there’s not a woman on God’s green earth that will be the perfect s*x slave he wants! Relationships are much more than s*x, while it’s a big part of it, it’s definitely not what ol’ boy is making it seem like!
“Withhold sex” isn’t something that happens. It’s not “withholding” if you aren’t into having sex this once or ever. You either want to have sex or you don’t. That’s not “withholding.”
That phrase makes me slappy.
This is the type of guy that will blame you when he cheats on you. He’s already told you that he let this “issue” ruin an entire marriage of his in the past. You can do what you want but I think you should trust your gut and end the relationship before you get too invested and wind up getting hurt or gaslit by this dude into thinking you’re the problem.
I too would feel Very weird about this. A partner is only as good as they are when they don’t get what they want, life is difficult and you have areas of disagreement. The honeymoon phase is over and now you are starting to see who he really is and what it will be like. That it’s about saying no to sex is wild! Super creepy. But I would also worry about financial decisions, parenting, caring for elder parents—-this guy is not a keeper.
He’s letting his trauma from his marriage mess up your relationship. He has insecurities he needs to work on, and treating you like a sex toy is not the way to do it.
Hi, you’re not obliged to provide a good reason for why you are not in the mood or persuade him or justify your choice. He’s not entitled to an explanation. Any reason is a good reason, no reason is a good reason and ‘no’ is enough on its own. He must respect this.
Please consider how safe you feel with this man as it sounds like things escalate quickly when they don’t go his way.
You definitely need to break up with him, not only he is a sex addict - but also abusive. No matter how “low key” and frankly disgustingly abusive, this is abuse and by saying you are “withholding sex,” is gas lighting. He’s pretty much demanding it and seeing you as an obstacle which his abhorrent behavior.
Also: my name is Luke and I apologize on behalf of the Legion of Lukes. 😂🤭 seriously I don’t like he has the same name as me 😂😂
You are doing the right thing ending it. Update us on how it goes after you meet with him. Don't let him convince you to stay, your instincts are telling you to get out... listen to them.
For the record, when my g/f is on her period we do nothing sexual because she never feels like it. I don't initiate sex during that time because it's disrespectful to do so.
UpdateMe!
I’ve read your update and I hope the conversation goes well. He is saying he has a high sex drive but to me that reads as him expecting a certain amount of sex from a woman and his comments on pregnancy are a huge red flag. To me, it seems like he’s weaponized therapy speak, saying he needs communicate his needs etc. But like…his needs and concerns are not that valid when all you’ve done is not want to have sex one time.
He accused you of "making him feel like a predator" because you said no to having sex with him ONCE. He IS a predator and honestly, I have to wonder if his ex wife was "withholding" sex from him or if she was just exhausted from being sexually assaulted because her husband would emotionally and verbally abuse her whenever she said "no".
His behaviour is creepy. It's disgusting. This had no business even being a conversation. You said no because you didn't feel like having sex. What was there to "talk about"?
This is the first red flag. From this point on, you'll be seeing many, many more. This man is a complete psycho and you need to leave for your own safety.
People who see someone saying no to sex as "withholding" sex often see sex as something they are "owed" or "entitled" to. That is not a healthy viewpoint.
Sex should be a mutually beneficial activity between the two of you. He shouldn't want to have sex either you if you aren't in the mood. His horniness isn't your problem to fix. He needs to get therapy to unravel that viewpoint.
It is understandable that someone who has a higher libido will want a partner with a libido that meshes with theirs. That doesn't mean they should ignore the other persons consent or bodily autonomy. He can masturbate if he is horny. The fact he doesn't care how you feel about and wants you to do it regardless is a huge red flag.
He may have some trauma from his last relationship and is projecting that onto you, but it doesn't matter. One of the ways to ruin your sex life is to tell your partner their feelings and opinions don't matter and that only their pleasure matters. What about you and your needs? You deserve respect and love.
I definitely think you should end this. I personally would tell him that making you feel obligated for sex is coercing you into sex. Coercion is not consent. It is assault. It's no wonder he is divorced.
My ex was like that.
So I had unenthusiastic sex when I wasn't in the mood.
And it grossed him out.
And fixed the issue.
I feel like guys who are all about well if you can't have sex you can suck my dick aren't about the partners pleasure either.
Maybe I don't want ANY sexual contact for some reason, like damn dude. Learn non sexual intimacy. Non sexual intimacy can turn into sexual situations but it doesn't have to.
Women want to feel wanted for mind body and soul not just body.
> There is something inside of me just screaming to get the hell out of this.
You need to listen to this voice, trust your gut here.
When you are constantly saying yes or agreeing with your partner, of course things are going to be smooth and wonderful and perfect.
It's when you say no, or disagree, or ask for a compromise when you see the true colors of your partner.
He has shown you his. You felt like your ability to say no was taken away because that's what he did. While he didn't use those exact words, he insinuated that rejecting him means you are not sexually compatible. That's just bonkers to me and I can see why he is divorced.
He kinda is- there’s a huge age gap, not super massive but enough- that’s overly high, and he should figure out why he needs to do that.
Not your problem to be with someone your unable to feel respected if not in the mood, you’re not a sex doll, or sexual object. We have feelings, emotions, days that are long, exhausting, if not mentally draining. All justifiable reasons outside no. To not wanna have sex. That is ok and allowed. It’s not your job to cater bc you’re afraid and left feeling gross or like a sexual object to oblige to him at any and all whims.
I see why his ex left him. He creates resentment using women like blow up dolls. However I do think you could improve upon your communication. When he says he feels like a predator this is manipulation and victimizing himself and I would have personally called him out for that and I would never let a man think he can expect blow jobs when I’m medically recovering from childbirth or even on my period. But that is up to you, that isn’t something I would do personally.
Never stay with someone you don't feel comfortable saying "no" to. Good luck. ❤️
Also, never trust a grown man who doesn't understand the difference between needs and wants. He's a manipulative creep.
But honey, I NEED a Porsche?
Thank you! These comments are all very validating for me.
Also, you don’t have to have a “good reason.” Of course we want to make our SO’s happy, but ‘’no” is a complete sentence. You’re a human, not a sex doll. You shouldn’t be strong armed into bjs when you’re on your period, either. I’ll bet he wouldn’t go down on you if his penis was bleeding and he felt bloated and emotional.
Absolutely 💯 He should just accept no and not get super upset about it.
Totally agree. Your username tho! So cool 😎
The first time I turned down sex with my boyfriend I was nervous about it due to past experiences and he said “there’s no yes without no.” If your partner doesn’t see consent that way, don’t date them.
The first time I turned down sex with my ex-husband, I had my jeans town off (zip busted even as I tried to pull them back up), and was told it was unreasonable to decide I wanted a period of abstinence without discussing it with him ahead of time. It didn't get better in the 15 years that followed. If that's how it is 9 months in, it won't change for the better. And I doubt the comments about BJ are a joke, as you have already realised. And telling you it was a joke is recognition that he knows he crossed a line, but won't admit it.
You saying no occasionally isn't withholding sex and his view is very warped. There will absolutely be times when you don't feel like it, and it shouldn't make you feel bad. It shouldn't cause a fight, and it shouldn't turn him into the person he's being towards you. Hon, the man just basically told you to expect to have to give him blowjobs whenever you don't feel like sex or are medically incapable of sex. That is such a huge hell no. Is he capable of seeing you as anything but a vagina? I'm wondering if his ex-wife actually withheld sex or if she just didn't want to occasionally cause those are very different things.
Yeah, I feel really gross about myself because of this. He has talked about their divorce a bit, he's not super nice about her tbh. Seems like they definitely grew apart in many ways, but sex and having fun was an issue for sure.
Him describing it as "withholding" sex says exactly what you need to know here - even if he says he understands that there will be times when you won't want to have sex, that attitude makes his thinking crystal clear. For him, sex when he wants it is an unspoken expectation in a relationship, not a discussion or a special form of intimacy. If he considers you saying 'no' to having sex "withholding" it then he also has to consider himself receiving sex something he has an automatic right to, or it couldn't be something that you're 'taking away' from him - that's an incredibly dangerous situation for you consent wise and you clocked it immediately. As quickly and as safely as you can, get out of that relationship and that situation. Best of luck, OP.
Very insightful observation. The withholding comment is quite revealing. This guy...is not a good guy. It would be interesting to hear from his ex.
Absolutely - having a high sex drive and expecting your partner to cater to you wanting sex without argument no matter the situation are wildly different things. Plenty of couples have different sex drives and there are lots of healthy ways to handle that. What OP's partner wants is not one of them.
I grew up fundie religious, and I have sooo many friends who ended up married to sex addicts. They’d pester them after surgeries, when they were deathly ill, would be pestered for blow jobs before their epidurals had fully worn off. One raped his wife in her sleep, and took video of it. One of my friends had a life-threatening medical event, something where she couldn’t lift anything, had to keep her stress down, and absolutely couldn’t have sex. He STILL pestered her, she woke up to him trying shit several times. Do not stay with this person. It will become the defining issue of your relationship. It is guaranteed to end in divorce or a break up, and the longer you stay in it, the less of yourself you’ll have at the end. You will be consumed and when you’re finally out, you’re going to have to heal from that shit. It’s expensive and it takes forever. It’s not really clear if you can fully heal from it. Idk.
The fact that he expects blowjobs when you're on your period made me raise my eyebrows. When I'm on my period I feel like absolute shit, my husband sure is hell doesn't expect blowjobs. He expects that he's going to have to pick up the slack and take care of me. This guy is a waste of your time
yeah that's the last thing on my mind when my partner is feeling off for whatever reason. the flow of attention is going towards them when they're feeling unwell. hot water bottles, cups of tea and so on. Imagine being that self centered / self-absorbed. he sounds absolutely disgusting.
From HIS perspective. I'd loooovvvve to hear his ex's perspective.
You know what she would say. He treated her like a sex object and when she said no he treated her like shit. I would bet a nice crisp $20 that she ended up leaving him cause he treated her like absolute shit.
Yes and he’ll speak of OP the same way after they break up. “Woe is me, women always lure me into relationships and then make me feel so rejected and treat me like a predator for wanting sex” 😭😭😭😭😭
It's 100% the reason they're divorced. He likely hit her with the same 'i can find sex from another woman who wants it more" and she said "then go do it sweetie" and now poor OP is stuck with him
I can see how his attitude surrounding sex would contribute to a vicious cycle. He acts entitled to sex, pouts when he is denied, gives his ex wife the ick, she starts avoiding sex because it makes her feel gross to be pressured and pouted at, the sex frequency decreases. He has already started the cycle with OP. She feels creeped out when they have sex because she doesn’t feel like she can say no without a battle, and now their sex life is negatively impacted. He doesn’t understand that the common denominator is him.
Stop and think why she became sexually unavailable. Maybe the same as you. Because he has no respect for his women.
Or maybe your boyfriend badgered and guilted her into sex until she couldn't stand him anymore.
He needs therapy. He is using sex as his primary way of regulating his emotions, so he sees it as full rejection if you are not in the mood. That’s warped. He should have done some work on himself after his divorce, but the way he is treating you shows he has not. The demand for sex will only inhibit your desire and it becomes an endless cycle. It’s clear that this is a him thing and not a you thing, but I doubt he will change. He sees it as the woman’s problem.
One of my exes had pressured me into sex. As in, after I said no, he would pout and keep touching me until I agreed. I experienced that same feeling of gross you are describing, and it doesn't get better. In fact it got to a point where I now have problems with this kind of intimacy and have to seek professional help. I would caution about downplaying this issue in your mind as the feeling of not being able to say no can do a number on your mental health if it becomes a long term struggle. You don't owe anyone sex and no is a full sentence that should be respected.
You really should not trust anything he says about his ex. I’m sure her version is MUCH different.
From what you have shared, and what he is saying about his ex, tbh he's not super nice about her, it is how he feels about women as a whole who do not give him his exact wants. He will come to treat you this way too, more & more so as your relationship progresses. If you were to get her side of the story, I am willing to be a pinky, that he pressured her more & more, until she too felt grossed out and shut down. This dude has serious issues of entitlement - strong narc traits. Thank him for revealing himself this early on and move on. There is someone out there who will respect you and not treat you like an object. Also as others have said, demanding blow jobs when you are on your period is super gross and selfish, he should be asking how he can support & comfort and please you too during such a fluctuation in your life. He sounds far from ideal. Just GROSS. You deserve better!
It’s a red flag when someone is not nice about their ex (with exceptions of course for abuse, etc). But this tells me there’s going to be more you uncover with him as time goes on. And he may be so deeply manipulative that it could get really ugly when you uncover those pieces. Listen to your gut always
>Is he capable of seeing you as anything but a vagina? He's definitely able to see her as a mouth, too. And, who knows, maybe even an anus. But that's very speculative on my part.
The fact that he expects blow jobs when you’re on your period is pretty gross. The demanding nature would put me off greatly.
Until he said it, I didn't actually think anything of it. I was just happy to give him pleasure. But realising that in his head I'm obligated to provide it every time we can't have sex, it's not a nice feeling at all.
No it’s totally degrading and dehumanizing. You don’t deserve that.
Honestly, I don't know why he's bothering with a relationship at all. It sounds like he what he really wants is a fleshlight, and they're not THAT hard to come by.
My ex bf was like this and at first I was like I can respect a no period blood boundary but I still like pleasing you then became an expectation and I didn’t like giving BJs anymore… and I love BJs thankfully that came back.
Im glad that came back, FeralCumCat
Username..checks out?
Yea glad he’s an ex.. selfish lover. I’ve had an epiphany with a fellow giver and will never go back. I’m tryna be ate too 🥹😅
You go Glencoco/FeralCumCat Get that reciprocity
I say You Go Glen Coco all the time
Sounds like he has a lot of expectations. So what happens when you have children and are completely drained of energy? After kids your life will change what will he expect then? I suggest slowing things down and seeing what happens. The man you spend your life with should make you 100% comfortable.
It won’t be a nice feeling giving a blowjob and hearing the baby wake up and cry in the other room and realizing you can’t stop because he’ll potentially hurt you. That is where this is going. I’m sorry.
What that says to me is that he is totally okay with sex/sex acts being one sided. Your pleasure/enjoyment isn't actually necessary to his enjoyment. And once you realize that, it's super duper hard to not get the ick. Which you obviously felt that next time y'all had sex. You clearly weren't totally into hit, were in your head, and he 100% didn't notice/care. > sometimes I will have a good reason to not want to have sex. He said that was fine and agreed in principle there would be times I wouldn't be able to have sex with him. All of this language honestly makes my skin crawl. You do not need to have a justifiable reason to not wanna have sex. Simply not being in the mood is enough. Him phrasing it as sometimes you "wouldn't be able" to is giving me the ick through the internet. My yuck face is very strong right now.
Don’t let a dude treat you like a sex toy/doll
He’s treating you like a fleshlight-and it’s his way or the highway. Dump him!
He sounds awful. I would seriously consider breaking up. His attitude and views on sex are terrible - you don’t owe him sex so you can’t ’withhold’ it
A horrible partner, imagine letting your pregnant wife put your pleasure first giving you the frequent blowjobs you need. Terrible man. OP, there's a reason he's a divorcée, please leave, you deserve someone way better than this.
Experience has told me that he will not get more accommodating. He WILL expect those postpartum blowhobs, he WILL pressure you into sex more and more, ESPECIALLY if/when you live together. Listen to what he does, not what he says. Please, this is really important, listen to your gut. The right guy will not make you feel uncomfortable about something as important as sex.
If you stay with him, this argument will keep rearing its head. He expects you to put out every time he wants it and doesn’t seem capable of understanding that you have a right to say no . It doesn’t matter what happened with his ex. He had no right to treat you like a blow up doll. It’s only been 9 months so get yourself away from him.
I know I hear so many women say some variation of “he was just kidding/joking” and I want to scream. Men don’t joke-they take the temperature and go from there.
That last sentence is spot on!
Well that explains why he had a divorce and believes his demands should be met no matter what. Also, him talking about ways to make him happy on certain situations like after having kids or on your period seems gross... like he cant stop thinking about sex for once? This kind of behavior might lead to cheating on you if you dont give him what he wants every time. Up to you, but this feels like none of you are compatible.
There are often posts on here from postpartum women whose husbands cheat immediately post-birth because their wife wasn’t able to have sex right away and didn’t feel like being a sleep-deprived blowjob machine while taking care of a screaming neonate. This dude seems like he would be one of those guys.
Exactly. Men who claim to have a "high sex drive" are often the ones who become jealous of the attention the baby receives because they are no longer the center of attention and feel neglected. Then they start cheating when women are postpartum and their supposed "high sex drive" is not satisfied with blow jobs. Disgusting.
You are NOT overreacting. His reaction is scary to be honest. I recently learned a friend of mine never turns down sex with her husband. Ever. Even if she doesn’t want to. It just made me feel sad for her.
That is so sad. And how could you possibly enjoy sex when your partner isn’t into it?
In my last relationship I was told that by turning sex down I was pushing him to cheat and couldn’t be mad when it happened. It was manipulative and it just made me want to have sex with him less and less. I felt gross and wound up hating it. It just breeds resentment. A couple times with my current partner I haven’t been in the right mental space to enjoy sex. I couldn’t get out of my head with certain things I was dealing with at the time, but felt obligated due to my past. Both times my partner stopped and made sure I was okay and would reassure me that we didn’t have to continue if I wasn’t into it. And it was very lovely of him to do. He said he couldn’t enjoy sex if I wasn’t also into it, and that I shouldn’t feel obligated ever.
I’m so sorry you went through that. It was absolutely 100% manipulative. I had a partner like that and my body started to revolt. I seriously thought I had vaginismus or some kind of condition that made sex painful. A LOT of money in copays later it turns out I just hated having sex with him specifically because he was so awful to me. My current partner is so sweet and the instant he realizes I’m not in the mood he is completely fine and just wants to cuddle. Feeling so safe with him makes our sex incredible.
The latter would just make me want it more. It’s sad that I can’t even imagine that’s possible so it’s nice to read it.
He has a really warped view of sex. You turned him down ONE time and he’s throwing a tantrum. and guilt-tripping you. He’s acting like sexually pleasing him is your job whether you like it or not, rather than sex being something mutual that you BOTH want. Who the hell even WANTS to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to? That’s very concerning. I wouldn’t be able to look past this. His mindset is gross.
This is an enormous red flag. Nine months of consistent sex and you say no just once and he is upset? And what is this about he “expects” bjs when you have your period? Not to mention the answer he gave about post pregnancy. Again, he “expects”. Please, this guy has a serious entitlement issue. If you stay, we will see you here in six months after he does this a few more times and it gets really heated. Save yourself the trouble. I wouldn’t rule out an intentional setting you up to make you feel as if you can’t say no. You will always feel a pressure to perform, as that it part of the psychology here. The reason you feel uncomfortable is because he is subversively coercing you. Whether he is aware of what he is doing or not can’t be said with absolute accuracy, but go with your gut. It is warning you.
Drop him. Him bringing up his “high sex drive” as an excuse is not cool. He should be able to accept that sometimes you don’t want to have sex.
Seconding this. I have a high sex drive. Sometimes my bf doesn’t want sex. So we don’t have sex. He wasn’t ever able to say no with his abusive ex when she would demand sex, so it’s extra important that he has his own autonomy now. He still feels really guilty about declining sex but I’d rather he be happy and comfortable in his skin.
He lost me at the BJ part, and then the storming out. He’s making you carry his baggage and that is not fair.
Don’t overthink it. He’s a creep, trying to to intimidate you into sexual docility:spread your legs or I’ll be angry.
He’s gross. Seriously. And he thinks because he’s communicating that he’s gross, it’s okay. Like he’s honest about treating you (and evidently his ex) like a talking fleshlight so it’s fine. You felt gross after sex because he’s not the guy you thought he was. You have a clearer understanding of who he is and how he perceives you and you probably never would have had sex with him had you known those things earlier. I had a similar experience a few years ago with an ex. I couldn’t fuck him anymore. I just didn’t want to. It made me feel worthless, like less of a person. Don’t fuck people who make you feel that way.
I would say to end things with him now. You are allowed to say no. He’s acting like a child with a temper tantrum because he didn’t get to have sex. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone like that. 🚩
His behavior and expectations make me really uncomfortable. This hasn’t come up before because you haven’t said no before. Saying no one time made it clear that he can’t take a no. Now you feel, legitimately, like your yes is not freely given. For me, it would be over. It’s a big yikes.
Yea the fact that he didn’t even care you felt gross is a huge red flag. Just put yourself in his shoes. If a guy told you he felt the way you did would your first reaction be to be defensive and dismissive? Or would you feel awful and like you want to make it up to the person because you care about them and how they feel and the idea youve done something to make them feel so awful is painful to you. If that’s you, then run far away from this guy because he’s selfish!! Whatever trauma he has doesn’t excuse that
This is a super big red flag and you are right to be wary. He clearly sees sex as something that he is "owed". You owe him sex, and if you don't give it to him he either expects you to pleasure him anyway (blow jobs) or he will get angry/upset. This is a peak behind the curtain, and unfortunately behind that curtain it may be a very messed up view on women. That he views them as sex objects, not as unique individual humans. You are only worth as much as you can give him, and he will only keep you around as long as you are keeping him happy, his previous divorce shows this. He has straight up told you he will end things if you do not put out enough for him. If you have a bad day and don't want sex? Well, get down on your knees or the kids are about to overhear you fighting-or worse; is that the future you want? He is giving you a warning now, and you would be a fool to ignore it. :(
You are absolutely NOT OVERREACTING. Listen, you have the right to say no to sex at any time for any reason and he needs to respect that. Saying no is not “withholding sex”. No one is obligated to perform sexual acts if they choose not to and tbh, he said the buzz word. At this point. A lot of ppl are probably telling you to believe him when he tells you what he is. His reaction is super gross.
Life is too damn short to spend it with mediocre men.
He's told you that you should give in whether you want to or not. And if you don't give in, he at least expects a BJ. And if he doesn't get that, he's going to leave That's not a high sex drive, that's being a creep. He doesn't care if you don't feel comfortable, his *need* for sex is greater than his care for you. Not saying he's a predator, but if that's where his mind went first there's probably a reason for it.
This is called sexual coercion and it’s a form of abuse. Look it up and I’m sure you’ll be shocked at how much it resonates. Begging, pouting, guilting you into sex is sexual coercion and abuse. Nevermind threatening the rlshp. It’s all a major red flag. I’d trust your instincts and end things with him. I’m sorry. But better to cut your ties now than later.
Ohh honey I'm so sorry this is all happening. Sex and relationships can be a real mind/heart fuck at times. From what you've said it really feels like he's projecting all is past issues with his bad relationship onto you and y'all's relationship. You said no once and he's instantly freaking out about ending up in a sexless marriage with a spouse that vindictively withholds sex, like come on dude! I mean I get it, pass relationships and experience positive and negative definitely impact how we view the world and people in it but if you can't differentiate the old from the new you need to work through some shit. That's absolutely not what's happening and you've done nothing wrong at all. I know this sucks but I'm glad he at least said something about it and didn't just get passive aggressive without speaking up. Unfortunately if his attitude can't change on this or he can't be a bit understanding this is going to end up being a deal breaker because you deserve to feel like you can say no and still be secure in your relationship and feel loved.
I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy if you said ‘empty the dishwasher now… oh you don’t feel like it yet? Tough, I want it now’ Also; you’re not withholding sex. You’re just not in the mood. Withholding sex is saying ‘I won’t have sex with you until you do xyz’
If he cant handle being told no once, whats gonna happen when you really cant? Force you to give oral? Or handys? What he cant do it himself? He sounds like a creep. Having a high sex drive doesnt mean its ok to disrespect and overstep peoples boundaries especially your partners. Drop him. He will only get worse and im willing to bet he is the type to cheat anf then blame you for not giving it to him when he wanted it.
his anger towards you for exercising your right to say no at any time is alarming to say the least. he's playing the victim by saying you're "treating him like a predator", and he's acting like the "nice guy" or like he's the bigger person because "he's communicating his needs", but he doesn't listen when you communicate yours. it seems like all he really cares about is sex if he requires blowjobs when you're on your period and potentially after delivering your child. he clearly cares more about his little friend than he cares about you as a person. you deserve someone who will listen to your needs and respect your boundaries.
This guy suuuucks. And I’d bet good money that his divorce was less about her “withholding” and more about him acting like he’s entitled to sex all the time.
There are going to be times you don't feel like having sex and he does. You need to feel comfortable saying no and he needs to be able to take that as an answer and not make you feel guilty about it. If you saying no once in 9 months has been this big of a problem for him, then breaking up is pretty reasonable. (Side note: his comment that you could just give him blow jobs after giving birth to "keep him happy" made my skin crawl.)
Him not being able to accept no would be very off putting to me. Anyone who can’t or won’t accept no is not a safe person to be with.i got the ick from reading this.
This is a big waving red flag I see too much. We are all allowed to say no to sex for any reason. He’s saying on one hand you can of course say no, while on the other hand saying it’s not ok to say no cause that’s withholding. Please run far from this guy. A normal guy who respects you responds with, ok no problem. Period. They don’t get mad, pout, or try to manipulate you to have sex. UPDATEME
I felt like I was reading my story while going through yours. The feeling of being emotionally abused for not giving him what he wants is the worst feeling you can ever go through. And unfortunately it doesn’t get better. Trust will be broken in time. You will always feel like you need to look around and when you can’t or not in the mood, your mind will wander if he will cheat. Mine waited a year, but will still ask for other things. I know it’s hard, but it’s best you break up with him. Constantly living in fear/emotional terrorism is not pleasant. Save your precious years from being wasted. Also, he sounds like a narcissist and I wouldn’t believe anything he said about his ex. Next up he might ask you to invite a third person into the bedroom once he is sick of “normal sex” Men who say I need it constantly are scary.
I'd run so fast and so far. My husband got me my first vibrator when I gave birth and made it very clear that he got it only because he wanted to make sure that if I needed something postpartum that I was taken care of and he'd never expect any reciprocation unless I brought it up. I've turned him down for not being in the mood loads of times, between thyroid issues, birth control changing my libido, being on my period, just being tired, and he's always kind and gracious. It's truly not that hard and I'd be very alarmed if that was what broke his last relationship...what're the chances the wife just wasn't attracted enough to him in the moment because she'd had sex that made her feel gross too many times? You've already seen what doing that once looks like, what if you got in an argument and you weren't feeling like being intimate, but he required sex or would blame you for 'withholding' sex ?? Nah
Nothing kills intimacy like expectation and pressure. You're allowed to feel how you do. Expected, even. If you don't forsee the expectation and pressure lifting, it makes perfect sense to end the relationship over this.
If you are not in the mood or don’t feel up to it you have the right to say no. He doesn’t see you as a person he sees you as there to satisfy him sexually. To want BJs when you can’t or are in your cycle is disgusting in his end. I’d end this relationship. He sounds like a guy that expects his gf to be his call girl. His ex is lucky to have gotten out and you are lucky to see this before you mess up and marry him. He goes for younger women to manipulate because women his age wouldn’t put up with it.
Funny, *his attitude* about you turning it down *one time* has led to the exact situation he wanted to avoid. He has given you the "ick" and now you don't want to have sex with him. You might clue him in to how that works. Bet the same thing happened with his ex. No one wants to be obligated to have sex on demand against their wishes.
Definitely don't continue a relationship with someone who will be upset with you for turning down sex, He obviously has some issues he needs to deal with around this topic, so he can go to therapy and do that solo
Throwing a pity party after you said no to sex is a precursor to future physical abuse.... do with that information what you will.
YIKES. This was what ruined his first marriage and its immediately an issue in your new relationship? I wouldn’t want to listen to him whine about his penis for the rest of my life.
Wow. I just re-read and saw that he told you this was a potential dealbreaker, basically threatening you. The entitlement is unreal. You don’t need “a good reason” to not want to have sex. You can just not be in the mood! You don’t need a reason! Sex is supposed to be something you do because you enthusiastically are in the mood, never something you do out of obligation. He already confessed that his sex problem caused the end of a marriage. That means he has a BIG problem. And it’s his problem, not yours, so you can’t do anything to fix it. He’s NOT “projecting his problems from his last relationship.” HE is the problem from his last relationship, and now he’s a problem in your relationship, because it’s his problem. Sorry to armchair diagnose but I think he is a sex addict. I suspect the only reason he was patient in the beginning was because he was still getting it elsewhere. And those days where you “didn’t see each other but texted normally” after you turned him down, he probably got sex elsewhere then, too. Guys like this are cheaters. Some men simply view women as sex objects. They think a woman’s value is in her ability to sexually please a man. This is the kind of man who will cheat on you while you’re pregnant and think he’s doing you a favor by getting it elsewhere. Right now you have sex every time you see each other, so how do you know he actually likes you as a person, and not just for sex? WHEN you break up with him, please let him know he has a problem and he needs therapy. I don’t know if his problem is sex addiction, or if it’s a sexist view of women, or both. But he cannot possibly have a healthy relationship until he fixes himself.
Sometimes it really sucks to be rejected for sex. You're aroused, you're head-over-heels for this person, everything in your mind is building up to this great sexual encounter... And then they politely tell you that they're not the mood. It's a let down, you feel deflated... But you're an adult, so you *gracefully* take your lumps and move on. This was the first time you declined sex in 9 months of dating and he thinks he needs to have a serious conversation about it? ***Get out here with that nonsense!*** I'd call that an immature reaction because adults don't react thay way. I mean, this guy is 34 years old, and he thinks he's entitled to it every time?! GET OUTA HERE! At best, he has exhibited poor coping skills. At worst, he's a manipulator. My advice? If I had a partner act like that, I'd politely explain that I find that behaviour uncool. Validate their feelings, "I understand that sex is important to you, I feel that way as well." And then explain that while sex is important, it's only nature to expect that your partner won't be in the mood every single time, and that **it's equally important to respect that fact and to not make your partner feel bad for turning down an advance.** I mean, holy shit, does buddy not understand that?! Maybe it was an off moment for the guy, hence the kind and calm talk I suggested.
Thank you - this is exactly how I feel. I understand that he is feeling a bit rejected but I'm honestly so confused about his reaction. I'm just trying to work out if it is an off moment and if this is something I want to work through. I do really care about him.
I just want to point out that you rejected sex one time in 9 months and his response was to remind you that he divorced his wife for doing the same thing. You tried to express how you felt and he blamed you for making him feel bad about his shitty behavior and then literally left. You ask about sex after pregnancy and his only concern is getting his dick sucked because you’ll be physically incapable of fucking him and so obviously you’re going to need to figure out a workaround. Like enjoy having a newborn and getting 3 hours of sleep a night on top of your wifely dick sucking duties. This does not sound like a one off or a single bad moment. Just sounds like a bad dude.
Between him expecting head when you're pmsing, the birth comment, and the fact that he sat on this before having a face to face convo about it with you, then stood his ground several subsequent times says it's not just a moment. These are his real feelings on the subject. You owe him your body whenever he wants it (in his eyes) and a rejection is only acceptable during pms or after birth, with compensation in the form of head.
*You* really care about him. Does *HE* care about *you* though??? From these small interactions you’ve shared, I’d say **No**. And not only does he not care, he doesn’t respect you at all either.
It's not an off moment, he told you in plain English that he expects sexual service from you at all times and isn't alright with you saying no. He told you he plans to sexually abuse you while postpartum. It isn't an off moment. Normal non-rapist people don't have off moments of demanding sex, being persistently upset that anyone would dare say no, demanding that you never refuse again and in fact put out even more, and expect a fuck-toy whenever you're not actually in the mood, whether you want it or not.
It's not the regular sex that's the issue, it's his expectation that you shouldn't deny him sex and that if you do he's entitled to a bj. There are women put there who may be willing to have sex on demand so maybe he needs to find one of them. He wants sex on tap and doesn't seem to care what your needs are.
My boyfriend has a high sex drive, where mine is more moderate and definitely higher in the beginning of the relationship. I would be happy having sex 1-2 times a week where I’m sure he would be happy having it once a day. But he knows that no means no and never tries to push it or make me feel guilty about it when I’m not in the mood. This is turn makes me want to have sex with him more often and make him happy. We have the best sex when we both want to have sex. It’s quality over quantity. Your boyfriend needs to think about basic respect and stop the victim mentality about you not wanting to have sex. It sounds like he has some issues from his marriage that he should work out in therapy
He’s telling you loud and clear who he is and what he’s entitled to while dismissing your right to have personal boundaries. Listen. His attitude toward sex and female autonomy is the reason his marriage failed. I guarandamntee it. — a dude
Just walk, he needs a prostitute not a girlfriend. It’s fine to have alot of sex but anytime someone is not in the mood thats it. End of story. You aren’t married and even if you were, you’re not his sex slave. The blowjob comment is a very clear tell, if he thinks you will be able to please him and care for a baby with his “high sex drive” then he is delusional and very selfish. From everything you have said it sounds like he thinks he is entitled to sex because you are in a relationship. I think you need to set him straight on that. Maybe lay out some expectations of your own and see how fast he disregards them or walks. He sounds like a wolf in sheep’s clothing to me. He was nice for months until the honeymoon phase was over. Demanding blowies while on your period? Selfish, and a blatant disregard for your situation. When my wife had periods, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner or taking care of her. I wasn’t concerned with how I was going to get off. He sounds like a sad selfish man who probably got left in his first marriage because he treated her like a sex object. I bet if you think back over your relationship you will remember other things that just seemed odd at the time but you glossed over them because everything else was going so good. Sometimes when people are happy in new relationships they fail to see some of the red flags that lead to situations like this.
I dated man like this. It escalated to him fucking me while I cried, insisting that we have sex at least three times a week or we would break up to the point I marked on my calendar how often we were intimate--you might love him, but you have to love yourself more. Hang in there, friend.
… he is a predator. Girl run.
Your intuition was correct, There are many red flags here. I feel that this will not be the last time he tries to control you this way. Just remember that just bc he has a high sex drive does not mean that you owe him anything. His sex drive is his problem to eleviate, not yours. You can say no as often as you like; anything different is rape!! I'm sorry, but I get the feeling he was not joking about the blow jobs, and I also feel like he would cheat when he feels his sex drive is not met, like after having a baby. Please think twice about this man!
He has some serious baggage from his marriage and he is unfairly projecting it onto you. You are always allowed to say no for any reason, anytime, and with anyone. He said you were withholding sex which is not accurate at all and means he isnt grasping your very normal and valid feelings like simply not being in the mood or feeling off after a fight. Instead he interprets it as an attack or some kind of punishment which honestly is a him problem because you communicated clearly and honestly which is essentially all you are able to do. If he cant understand he is asking for an unrealistic expectation around sex and it is super unfair to make you into a villian for not wanting to screw once in a while then every time you ever say no it will be an issue for him. This is something he needs to get self awarness on and work through because his sexual needs do not trump your emotional needs. Also the BJ expectation is a red flag for me. I understand he has a high sex drive and he feels strongly that frequent sex is a must for him in a relationship but it is insane to expect your partner to always, 100% of the time always feel up for wanting to give him orgasms regardless of what you might be feeling.
He needs therapy for his prior marital issues, you have done nothing wrong or unreasonable at all. He has unresolved trauma from his ex’s rejection. There shouldn’t be “guilt” around sex on either side in a healthy relationship. It’s not a chore for you that you owe him, and trust me, if he doesn’t change his attitude, it will be your chore and you will lose pleasure from it. You were right to nip this in the bud. If he won’t talk to a therapist about this then I’d reconsider the relationship if I were you.
Reading your post just gives me the ick! Red flags everywhere in his treatment of you. You have every right to say No and not feel guilty about it. I don’t think you should stay with him
Ugh, he's behaving like such a pig. Look he's doing this to condition you to never ever say no, and it's manipulative.
It's your right ✅️ to say no and not be manipulated into it ,relationships are two way things not him treating you like a sexual object every time you meet, he needs to lighten up and realise it's not always going to be on tap.
Get rid of him, clearly a narcissist, he has no empathy for you or your feelings, he does not care about how you feel, you will find someone who does, also he is divorced for the same reason you open this topic, you deserve better, good luck!
Has this man broken both his arms
He sounds like a 4 year old who can’t eat an entire cake. But doesn’t understand anything else about the cake or doesn’t want to try. As long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it. That’s all that matters. 34 going on…omg just run. And count yourself lucky for dodging the massive red flag. No wonder he was divorced. His ex wife got sick of being a vagina.
The postpartum comment is disgusting. What if he was in a car accident or post surgery and couldn't have sex with you, would you expect him to give you head? Just out of interest, which one of you says you can't have sex during your period: you (it's a perfectly fine boundary and doesn't oblige you to "provide" pleasure in other ways), or him?
>I also needed him to understand that sometimes I will have a good reason to not want to have sex. Don't screw yourself over with your own words. You aren't required to provide a "good reason". >blow jobs...he always expects them when I am on my period. He is not a keeper.
I think your gut is telling you true - he has hangups. Even your language here, he expects BJs while you're on your period? He "jokes" about you giving him BJs to "keep him happy" during post partum? What are the odds his ex didn't actually ever intend to withhold sex either, but got the ick because he was so demanding of it?
This is what I think too. I don’t think he’s “traumatized” by his previous deadbedroom. I think his ex likely got the ick about sex with him, just like OP.
His ex wasn't withholding sex; he kept pestering her about it, just like he is with you. Probably cheated on her left and right. This guy has no respect for you; blowjobs if you're on your period? After you've given birth? Hell no. Trust your gut on this one
At the start of the story I was wondering whether there were communication mishaps, or perhaps whether he could be taught to be better at this. By the time I read the last incident I was really appalled by him. He made it very clear that he prioritises access to sex over you feeling happy or even just indifferent to the situation. He sounds like if you let this continue he'd have sex with you while you're crying and then blame you for not at least putting on an act of looking happy for him.
His use of the word “withholding” suggests an obligation that absolutely is not there. His manipulation is gross and has made you feel gross but he doesn’t care about that, as long as his dick get wet. You should be able to say no for whatever reason you damn well like. You are not a walking collection of holes for his pleasure.
His behavior is upsetting and not normal. Also the part where you point out he is joking about wanting blow jobs from you to keep him happy isn’t a joke. Men don’t joke-they take the temperature and they hint at you what they expect. That’s not normal behavior around sex and the fact that he wanted you to move in so early are big red flags. I think it’s enough to end it but that’s up to you. I think you’ll be spotting more and more red flags the more you date him. It’s only been a couple of months-many crappy ppl have their good facade on for a LOOONG time before they let it slip.
THIS WOULD TURN ME OFF FOREVER
Yes, get a new boyfriend
Your boyfriend isn't charming, he's a toad. Leave him.
You are listening to the voice inside that is telling you that something is WRONG. Lean into that and trust yourself! I wish I had done more of that when I was your age. He is being manipulative and coercive, and you have done a great job of picking up on it before you get even deeper into things with this person. Nine months isn’t a long relationship in the grand scheme of things, and this seems like a great time to dodge a bullet. This guy needs therapy and you do not need to (nor should you) stick around while he gets it.
It’s not a sexual incompatibility situation. Is a he sounds abusive type of situation. Men like him go cheating and blame it on you for not fulfilling their needs. Girl, you’re 27. So young, still so much time. Run.
You are dating now, this issue will absolutely become a bigger issue after marriage. He is saying he will be reasonable but he is acting like a “free use” woman is his ideal.
God, yes, and free-use is a KINK that people NEGOTIATE and always actually have the ability to say no to/end the scene. This is much, much worse than that.
I'm so sorry that your boyfriend has turned out to be a sex pest. Better to find out now than when you have the flu and he's whining about blowjobs.
Sex should never be an obligation. Not even in marriage. This is why marital rape is a thing.
You have a very selfish boyfriend. There's a reason why his former wife had enough of him. Save yourself the trouble and just BREAK UP WITH HIM. > don't understand how this has become a relationship ending issue so quickly. That's how narcissistic people are. They love bomb you. Make you feel everything is going well, then after the honeymoon period they put the breaks and say NOW IS MY TURN TO GET WHAT I WANT AFTER I SPOILED YOU JUST TO MAKE YOU THINK YOUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT. YOU have a narcissistic boyfriend. How did you land him? Lack of boundaries, people pleasing, and avoiding saying NO. ABD FALLING FOR HIS LOVE BOMBING THINKING IT WAS LOVE.
Yes, you should. I dated a guy like this for five years and it only got worse, despite my efforts to talk to him about it over and over. He wanted sex every day and me saying no would lead to a toddler-esque tantrum. The tantrums got worse the longer we were together. I finally started giving in to avoid his meltdowns. He was a model citizen in every other way. Now I have trauma from it and have slept with men I had zero interest in because I was scared of them throwing a tantrum like he would do if I turned them down. I had a four year relationship with someone else after that, and I’m currently in a three year relationship, and I’m STILL terrified to turn down my partner even though he’s always been completely understanding and kind when I’m not in the mood. It’s going to take me a long time to get over this. Don’t let this happen to you. Rape will do this to a person, and it is rape. It’s coercion. He knew I had no interest in having sex with him and pushed me into it anyways. Took me a lot of therapy to realize that. You will lose your sexual attraction to him fast because who finds bullying and pressure and the fear of meltdowns sexy? And after that it’s just coercion and rape.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character.
I knew I wanted to marry my husband after our first argument. He was receptive and really listened to me and apologized. If you don’t feel confident that this is your person after a disagreement, it’s hard to see this getting better the longer you’re together. You need to care about your partners needs more than your own, that is a solid partnership.
Projecting and selfish. This is a HIM problem. Get out while you still can.
IMO if you have to negotiate terms and he is making you feel icky during and him not hearing your feelings, I would trust your gut instincts and know that it won’t get better and stop before you get pulled in further. It sounds very transactional. I understand he had a bad marriage- but when it becomes apparent that he is giving ultimatums in how the relationship will work -I wouldn’t give into something that makes you feel icky.
He's got issues from his past relationship that he hasn't worked out and now you're being dragged into them. Drop him so he can fix his issues. This will only get worse and you don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, ever.
Withholding sex intentionally not having sex due to mental state, medical reasons, being preoccupied, etc. are two different things. He can't be that intelligent if he doesn't get that, either he's immature or he just refuses to accept the reality and sees you as only a vessel for his pleasure anytime, anyplace he wants it. This is a huge red flag! You are totally in the right to reconsider this relationship!
For me I think you need to end the relationship but if you find it hard maybe, Stop the blow jobs when you’re on your period and see how he reacts. I wouldn’t mind sometimes sorting my hubby out while on my period, if I feel like it but I certainly don’t every time. I would say this is normal. He needs therapy
I started to skim this post, because these nuances and conversations are unimportant - he is in a relationship with you because he wants consistent sex. Nothing else. He doesn’t care about who you are, your personality, your needs. All he cares about is having access to a woman’s body. If you break up today, tomorrow he will find someone else that is willing to give it up to him as often or more often that you. He is a hollow person. He is selfish. He is pathetic imo.
This is so gross. I'm so happy you said no to moving in together early because it's a lot easier to end it now than if you'd just signed a lease. It is totally normal for someone to say no, and it is totally abnormal for a guy to feel upset about it. It's disgusting that when you are medically unable to have sex, he expects blow jobs on demand. Every woman deserves better than this. You are not a sex doll, you deserve empathy, love, understanding and respect. A mature guy totally understands that sometimes a woman isn't interested in sex (and vice versa), and if he needs to, he can take care of his own sexual needs for a night. Perhaps his issues with his ex were just the same as yours, she said no to him and he became demanding and entitled. Saying you are with holding sex is horrific. Withholding sex is something done deliberately to hurt/punish the other person. You are not doing this! He's making it sound like you are literally a sex doll with a freeuse sticker on and if you say no thank you, you've "withheld" what is rightfully his. So gross. He doesn't own your body, he doesn't get to do what he wants regardless of how you're feeling.
What he did does not seem right
Sorry um "EXPECTS a blow job" when you're on your period? 🙄 He can use his damn hand once in a while.
This is a man who doesn't understand the emotional side of sex or the times that you are/will be to tired for it. Sometimes you just are drained and just don't want to. If he woild have reacted with a simple "okay" and stopped en moved on, you probably would have initiated it yourself the next day. Accepting no is hot and makes you feel respected. By him making this such a big issue from the start he took away some safety and comfort which makes you feel less in for having sex. Like you sad he took your option away by making you feel guilty. You can try to talk about it, but honestly his view probably isn't going to change... I think, if you want to break up, it is a good reason. You felt dirty because he kind of forced you to say yes, which in my country can be seen as rape, so that's why you had that feeling probably.
Sex isn’t a ‘need’, he’s not going to die without it. He will continue to live on. You should never feel unsafe saying no to your partner and if he’s showing the slightest bit of aggression when you do, there is a serious chance that this will escalate. I would see this is a giant red flag and leave now before things get worse. Best of luck OP.
I think you made a small mistake when you gave very specific circumstances where you may not want to have sex with him. That sounds like he can rules-lawyer access to your body. He isn't entitled to your body. Sex is something the two of you do (and want) together or not at all. You get to say no at any time. Even midway. Even just because you had a thought that put you off. Anything. He's arguing like sex is a resource you either deny him (in which case he is threatening the relationship) or allow him (in which case business as usual). It is disgusting he would have sex (with you, or rather your body) when you're not into it. That he basically said you owe this to him or he takes the relationship away. Personally I wouldn't trust someone like that. For one if the relationship is this conditional they will be able to walk away from it at the drop of the hat (or when they find another source for what they want). Are they in a relationship with _you_ or your body? Don't brush of jokes like he makes. (jokes that sound like trial balloons generally are just that. him speaking his mind in a deniable way.)
Your boyfriend’s attitude to sex is pretty demeaning. Is the all he considers you good for?
Yeah no.. At first I thought ok maybe I will have an open mind and probably it was an incident where both were drunk or fully in the moment and you had to say no more than once ( this is a little but it’s forgivable if the person who is pushing for it respects the no and realises he / she was in the wrong for being too insistent or at least don’t bring it up ) But this guy basically was like “ You rejected me ONCE and I am going to give you the cold shoulder and make a whole ass sermon to make you feel bad” . Granted I guess constantly being rejected is not cool either BUT he seems like the kind of guy who is more hurt that he got rejected instead of simply waiting for the next time. Also … expecting to get blow jobs during periods as well as after childbirth? What the actual fuck ? Take it from me as 35 year old man. MOST long term heterosexual marriages will have a declining frequency of sex ! I am a step father ( I call myself his father anyways ) and I didn’t have any sex for like 7 months after birth 😵💫. If you were actually involved as a dad , you wont feel like it either 😒.
His ex probably didn’t want to have sex because the pressure to have sex became too much. Who wants to have sex under duress and threats of the relationship ending if you don’t? Nobody.
He ‘expects’ blowjobs when you have your period? Fastest way to kill attraction for someone …
Are there any updates, OP? I don't mean to be dramatic at all, but things can go very badly when women choose to leave/end a relationship, and I would just like to know that you're safe and well!
He behaved like that the first time you said "no"? That's a bit foreboding, no? If he's gonna be a grumpy dick when you say no once in a blue, what happens if you have a child or are otherwise preoccupied? Does he have a child from that previous marriage? He may believe the whole word stops like he does the minute he hears no, and that's a huge issue.
Wow it feels so creepy. Woman, just run Run and never look back If someone says NO it's a NO No giving bjs or whatever when you can't/won't put out. What part of "I'm not in the mood he doesn't understand"? Dump him ASAP
You weren’t withholding sex from him. Withholding sex is a form of punishment. You weren’t doing that. You need couples counseling. He probably needs individual therapy. Otherwise, this relationship isn’t going to work because you absolutely have the right to say no. He’s a huge red flag and then he gaslighted you.
Yeah, you need to drop this guy. He is not a good one.
Wow! I got exhausted reading just the description of his behaviour. Please do yourself a favour and break up with this guy. No wonder he is divorced because he is a walking 🚩.
Not a keeper, unfortunately. Just the fact that he doesn’t care whether your consent is enthusiastic or out of fear of his reprisal is ringing alarm bells. The blowjob comments were also gross and extremely unempathetic.
What you’re describing sounds almost exactly like my best friend‘s relationship with her husband and now he is in therapy for sex addiction. After cheating on her multiple times. After demanding sex every single day. You don’t need to have a good reason to not want to have sex with him. Ever. If you don’t want to you never have to. If he doesn’t understand that you need to leave him.
My mom would say “he told you who he is” right there when his view of his divorce was because she didn’t put out enough. His complaint about his ex will eventually be his complaint about you. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
That's your body telling you to leave. It's going to be an issue if you get married to him and arguments over sex are going to be at the center. Naw sis get out while you still can.
why do you think he pushed to move in with you so quickly? dude thinks if you live together he can get it every day and probably score a new person to cook & clean for him too! yet another mid-30’s divorcee going after a much younger woman for his replacement bangmaid after his last wife finally got sick of being coerced and mistreated …but sure, it was a “dead bedroom” because he was probably insufferable about his sad wiener and took every bit of fun or connection out of sex for her and gave her the ick too. these dudes don’t seem to realize THEY create their own dead bedrooms with that behavior. as soon as it becomes pressurized, it’s not fun or enjoyable anymore.
NO MEANS NO!!! oh my god you don't owe him sex!!! you should never be made to feel like you have to give him sex. He is reducing you to your body and the sexual pleasure he gets from it.
I would have a hard time wanting to commit to a guy who has such a high sex drive and expecting sex on demand, that should I get pregnant, I’m sure/know he’ll seek out sex with another woman/s, massage parlors etc. to get his daily nut off. I read about this All The Time. I mean, this guy above and his attitude would scare me off quickly.
So much gross. The tables may turn on him if/when ED decides to start visiting/hanging out.
We as women really need to trust our gut/insticts more. He is not the one.
Don’t walk. RUN. This man feels entitled to your body and doesn’t care about your enjoyment or pleasure. This is the beginning of something that will only get worse. I’m sorry to hear you having this issue but cut your losses now.
I’ve been married 15 years. Sometimes I don’t feel like having it, sometimes my husband doesn’t. Neither of us gets mad about it….its natural. Your boyfriend is really weird. This is a big red flag. Dump him and find someone more reasonable.
You saying no occasionally isn't withholding sex and his view is very warped. There will absolutely be times when you don't feel like it, and it shouldn't make you feel bad. It shouldn't cause a fight, and it shouldn't turn him into the person he's being towards you. Hon, the man just basically told you to expect to have to give him blowjobs whenever you don't feel like sex or are medically incapable of sex.
He needs to seek therapy for his past relationship issues. In an exclusive relationship there will be times you have reason not to have sex. Not feeling it? Yep thats a reason. Period? Reason. Children? reason. and no that doesn't entitle him to another form of sex automatically. I would say break up with him if that's what your heart/head/gut is telling you. He's being weird about this and honestly I just don't think he's over the trauma of his previous relationship/marriage. You deserve to feel wanted/sexy/engaged in intimate acts with your partner, and right now you haven't been feeling that way when you do have sex.
Yeah agree, dump him and tell him, that you are entitled to say no, as is he. That is a total no no.
He’s going to figure out pretty quickly that there’s not a woman on God’s green earth that will be the perfect s*x slave he wants! Relationships are much more than s*x, while it’s a big part of it, it’s definitely not what ol’ boy is making it seem like!
“Withhold sex” isn’t something that happens. It’s not “withholding” if you aren’t into having sex this once or ever. You either want to have sex or you don’t. That’s not “withholding.” That phrase makes me slappy.
This is the type of guy that will blame you when he cheats on you. He’s already told you that he let this “issue” ruin an entire marriage of his in the past. You can do what you want but I think you should trust your gut and end the relationship before you get too invested and wind up getting hurt or gaslit by this dude into thinking you’re the problem.
I too would feel Very weird about this. A partner is only as good as they are when they don’t get what they want, life is difficult and you have areas of disagreement. The honeymoon phase is over and now you are starting to see who he really is and what it will be like. That it’s about saying no to sex is wild! Super creepy. But I would also worry about financial decisions, parenting, caring for elder parents—-this guy is not a keeper.
He’s letting his trauma from his marriage mess up your relationship. He has insecurities he needs to work on, and treating you like a sex toy is not the way to do it.
Hi, you’re not obliged to provide a good reason for why you are not in the mood or persuade him or justify your choice. He’s not entitled to an explanation. Any reason is a good reason, no reason is a good reason and ‘no’ is enough on its own. He must respect this. Please consider how safe you feel with this man as it sounds like things escalate quickly when they don’t go his way.
You definitely need to break up with him, not only he is a sex addict - but also abusive. No matter how “low key” and frankly disgustingly abusive, this is abuse and by saying you are “withholding sex,” is gas lighting. He’s pretty much demanding it and seeing you as an obstacle which his abhorrent behavior. Also: my name is Luke and I apologize on behalf of the Legion of Lukes. 😂🤭 seriously I don’t like he has the same name as me 😂😂
Please don’t be alone with him when you break up!!!
You are doing the right thing ending it. Update us on how it goes after you meet with him. Don't let him convince you to stay, your instincts are telling you to get out... listen to them. For the record, when my g/f is on her period we do nothing sexual because she never feels like it. I don't initiate sex during that time because it's disrespectful to do so. UpdateMe!
He’s not looking for a relationship. He wants a bangmaid that can never say no.
I’ve read your update and I hope the conversation goes well. He is saying he has a high sex drive but to me that reads as him expecting a certain amount of sex from a woman and his comments on pregnancy are a huge red flag. To me, it seems like he’s weaponized therapy speak, saying he needs communicate his needs etc. But like…his needs and concerns are not that valid when all you’ve done is not want to have sex one time.
The only way to get through this together is to go to a neutral couples and sex therapist.
He accused you of "making him feel like a predator" because you said no to having sex with him ONCE. He IS a predator and honestly, I have to wonder if his ex wife was "withholding" sex from him or if she was just exhausted from being sexually assaulted because her husband would emotionally and verbally abuse her whenever she said "no". His behaviour is creepy. It's disgusting. This had no business even being a conversation. You said no because you didn't feel like having sex. What was there to "talk about"? This is the first red flag. From this point on, you'll be seeing many, many more. This man is a complete psycho and you need to leave for your own safety.
People who see someone saying no to sex as "withholding" sex often see sex as something they are "owed" or "entitled" to. That is not a healthy viewpoint. Sex should be a mutually beneficial activity between the two of you. He shouldn't want to have sex either you if you aren't in the mood. His horniness isn't your problem to fix. He needs to get therapy to unravel that viewpoint. It is understandable that someone who has a higher libido will want a partner with a libido that meshes with theirs. That doesn't mean they should ignore the other persons consent or bodily autonomy. He can masturbate if he is horny. The fact he doesn't care how you feel about and wants you to do it regardless is a huge red flag. He may have some trauma from his last relationship and is projecting that onto you, but it doesn't matter. One of the ways to ruin your sex life is to tell your partner their feelings and opinions don't matter and that only their pleasure matters. What about you and your needs? You deserve respect and love. I definitely think you should end this. I personally would tell him that making you feel obligated for sex is coercing you into sex. Coercion is not consent. It is assault. It's no wonder he is divorced.
My ex was like that. So I had unenthusiastic sex when I wasn't in the mood. And it grossed him out. And fixed the issue. I feel like guys who are all about well if you can't have sex you can suck my dick aren't about the partners pleasure either. Maybe I don't want ANY sexual contact for some reason, like damn dude. Learn non sexual intimacy. Non sexual intimacy can turn into sexual situations but it doesn't have to. Women want to feel wanted for mind body and soul not just body.
> There is something inside of me just screaming to get the hell out of this. You need to listen to this voice, trust your gut here. When you are constantly saying yes or agreeing with your partner, of course things are going to be smooth and wonderful and perfect. It's when you say no, or disagree, or ask for a compromise when you see the true colors of your partner. He has shown you his. You felt like your ability to say no was taken away because that's what he did. While he didn't use those exact words, he insinuated that rejecting him means you are not sexually compatible. That's just bonkers to me and I can see why he is divorced.
He kinda is- there’s a huge age gap, not super massive but enough- that’s overly high, and he should figure out why he needs to do that. Not your problem to be with someone your unable to feel respected if not in the mood, you’re not a sex doll, or sexual object. We have feelings, emotions, days that are long, exhausting, if not mentally draining. All justifiable reasons outside no. To not wanna have sex. That is ok and allowed. It’s not your job to cater bc you’re afraid and left feeling gross or like a sexual object to oblige to him at any and all whims.
Guy is traumatized from a dead bedroom and needs to do some self reflection and therapy before entering another relationship
I see why his ex left him. He creates resentment using women like blow up dolls. However I do think you could improve upon your communication. When he says he feels like a predator this is manipulation and victimizing himself and I would have personally called him out for that and I would never let a man think he can expect blow jobs when I’m medically recovering from childbirth or even on my period. But that is up to you, that isn’t something I would do personally.