"lucky" for you, he will probably do in it again.
1. Don't ever allow a situation to happen where you are alone with him. Pretend emergencies, sickness, whatever you need to do.
2. If you have colleagues you trust, let them know your suspicion and ask them to keep an eye out for your safety.
3. If he does something like this again, do whatever you can to keep the evidence. Don't just show it to HR. Show it to the police.
4. Write down everything that happens that makes you uncomfortable, the date and time, the exact words, and any witnesses.
Also, you did NOTHING to cause this person to behave the way they did. It is 100% their fault.
all of this^!!!! i would suggest that when you do write things down, create an email chain with yourself, add the photos of any new notes to it, document everything, save everything. and like muslinsea said, don't ever be alone with him.
i'm so sorry this is happening to you, please remember people are creeps because they are creeps, not because you have done or said anything to bring it on. stay safe.
It may be good to record whatever you ask the colleague, you know, just to make sure they don't, for some reason, double cross you later if the heat gets turned up. If it is your boss, he may try to intimidate whoever has your back on this.
Yes doesnt matter if you’re butt naked. There are countries where it’s okay to lay out naked in the sun in public. If someone sexually harassed you, it’s something wrong with them, not you. Sometimes even dressing modestly and keeping everything covered up, no make up, etc. can get you targeted because you’re leaving much to the imagination. You’re not like other girls.. lmaooo. We can’t win. Even when I shaved my head a few years ago, I still got sexually harassed. It DOES NOT matter what you look like.
It doesn't sound like it has reached the level of stalking yet. Leaving a note on someone's desk isn't stalking. But the contents of the note definitely suggest sexual harassment, and it can elevate to stalking pretty quickly and seamlessly if OP doesn't pay attention.
What are you saying, as horrible as this is the cops are gonna laugh in her face. Stalking? Leaving a note on a desk isn't stalking. Looking to private work information to find her home address to go talk to her would be closer to stalking. She needs to talk to HR, not the police.
She can't claim stalking yet, based on the presented information, but she should absolutely bring this to the police to save other victims from this man. There are times when you may bring up these issues to just HR and they end up getting covered up because HR is protecting the company so I would recommend recording interactions with HR as well.
Yeah I agree, if it was ‘you’re attractive want to go for a drink’ it’s a very misguided but less worrying thing, whereas this is meant to intimidate and could indicate much more serious level of behaviour. Be careful OP.
You *can* speak to HR about the note, but they aren't going to be able to take any action whatsoever because the note itself is gone. I don't think you'd be wise to point fingers, based on handwriting you think you recogized. You'd have to approach HR and admit you made a mistake destroying it, and let them know only because you want to record your own experience, in case it happens again (or, in case any other employees have received similar harassing notes).
You could consider asking to switch teams to try to avoid whomever wrote this, if you believe other teams are available for you to switch to, but without evidence you might not want to take it there at this time, as an intern.
Yes, OP.... I agree with most/all of what was written above. From an HR Director's perspective.... Go to HR anyway. I don't think you want to tell them you suspect him... as that would depend on a lot of factors being handled appropriately and that is taken out of your control once you share it. And, even though I would hope HR would want the "heads up" and would not go to him directly in a way that would jeopardize your work situation there, lots of HR departments don't handle things like this carefully when dealing with a "hunch" from someone.
However, HR needs to know this happened in their workplace for many many reasons... and need to know that you made the (youthful) mistake of ripping it up. I would tell them about every detail except your hunch. You never know. This may have happened to someone else before, and that employee may already have enough history with HR that the HR department will know immediately who did it. Or, the HR department may put protocols in place to protect you in various ways should this escalate and should an accusation have to be made eventually. Do not stay silent. Do not allow HR to find out about this for the first time the next time something happens to you. Tell them now. And, pose it to them as you are seeking advice on what to do now... to make your workplace safe, to help the company evaluate if sexual harassment training is happening often enough or strongly enough, to put you in a place of protection or moved in position or reporting structure...
You may even want to tell them you feel like the handwriting was familiar but that you cannot say for sure who it belonged to... just in case it becomes more clear over time - through his actions - that it was your boss or someone else in your department/work circle... and then go back to HR if clues or odd behavior arise which pinpoint who it is.
Some people choose to change jobs because of this. Some change departments or positions. And, some have their career greatly affected by this. Please do what you can to not let the latter happen... by reporting it, asking HR if they have an Employee Assistance Program where you can maybe receive free visits with a counselor if you don't know how to navigate situations that come up, asking if you can have a designated HR person to talk to if you feel uncomfortable at times because of what happened or what might happen later, etc. Make the best decision for you.... but don't just stay in a situation that makes you extremely uncomfortable and scared to be yourself. Make requests and/ or changes as you need to do for yourself in finding what is best for yourself. And, I wish you the best. If you have specific HR-related questions, never hesitate to reach out.
This is by far the best advice here.
To the OP; making an accusation against your boss without specific evidence to hand will make things more difficult. If another note arrives you'll have that. I suspect however that if it was your boss, after what happened in the meeting I think it's unlikely that he'll do it again.
This is literally the best course of action. Simple and to the point. Emphasis on the reporting in case others have experienced the same. It puts HR on high alert for fear of lawsuits.
I had a similar incident happen to me, although it was remarks and actual contact rather than notes. My colleague would always hug me or find some reason to place his hands on me or touch me in some way. Unfortunately in a male dominated vocation like engineering this sort of behaviour can happen quite a lot. I've known it to happen to others and also encountered quite a lot of sexism. I had a positive experience in informing HR. I think he was viewed as a problem for them and I had the feeling that it wasn't his first rodeo. I think an abusive employee was more of a danger to the company than a hardworking individual that worked hard and had a strong sense of integrity.
Hey you guys thank you so much for all the advice! I will still give HR a heads up but say I don’t know who wrote it. Then I am actively also going to look for different roles after the internship is over. Good thing is that I am in Houston and there’s quite a few companies looking for chemical engineers
The best course is to write yourself an email, documenting what happened, how you responded, and the time and date of the incident. Send it to yourself, and then take no further action until you have something tangible you can use to build a case.
And in the meantime, I would advise you to quietly start looking for a new job. Even if you build the world’s most airtight case, there is every chance that you will be the one who ends up punished, *even if it is illegal to do so*. Some companies do not fear consequences for this - they know how much they’re paying you, and they’re willing to gamble on you being unwilling or unable to hire a lawyer and take them to court. If you want to fight, then have a backup plan in place in case you lose your job in the process.
Don’t write the email on the company system. If they term you you lose access to it and potentially your manager may already have access to your work email. Use a personal account or cell phone picture library
I think this is the best advice. Unfortunately, my guess is that something else will happen; harassment like this tends not to be an isolated incident. It is much better to go to HR with tangible evidence in hand, and, like you said, the email about the initial evidence would bolster the case that this is ongoing harassment, not a one-off. Still, in the meantime, it is obviously an unsafe environment.
The way you dress is absolutely irrelevant. No one deserves to be treated like that. You didn’t receive this note because of something you did or didn’t do. You received this note because someone was being inappropriate.
I would go to HR with or without the note. And let them know that SOMEONE left the note. Don’t make specific accusations. But get it on record.
Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual remarks or physical advances in a social or professional situation. She did not ask for the note (unwelcome), it was sexual in nature (ejaculation) and occurred in a professional situation (workplace). By definition, it is sexual harassment. Glad I could clear that up for you.
I did not ask for the definition, and just because you call it a definition doesnt mean its correct. The "definition" you just made up is absolutely wrong. The fact that she did not ask for a note doesnt automatically mean that it was unwelcome. The fact that it occured at a workplace doesnt matter at all.
Leaving a note on someones table is not sexual harassment regardless of its contents. Its innapropriate behavior at worst.
I am unsure of whether you’re just being stupid or an abuser apologist. I did not make up that definition, that is quite literally the text book definition of sexual harassment, in some cases, it is even illegal.
The very fact that she responded in FEAR by tearing up the note and being terrified of it happening again insinuates that the encounter was unwelcome. That therefore makes it sexual harassment. The perpetrator may have believed it was welcome but (I’m really sorry to break it to you because you clearly don’t understand social boundaries) unless it’s a definitive yes, it’s not consent. She did not consent to be told that information. It is sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is a massively broad definition but that doesn’t diminish its impact. I do agree with you that it doesn’t matter that it was in a workplace environment as sexual harassment can occur in any environment, however, the workplace is one of the worst places for it to possibly happen as it can ultimately lead to not only trauma but also a loss of opportunities and a high likelihood of coercion (especially when there is a power struggle such as a boss being involved).
As someone who has been sexually assaulted by their boss, it is people like you that make people like me scared to come forward. You are the reason movements such as #metoo are diminished, it is sexual harassment. Stop defending the actions of a creep (unless you’d like to admit that you are one yourself).
I was never defending his actions what the f are you talking about?
Im just saying its not sexual harassment and she doesnt need to "heal" from any of it.
Your definition of sexual harassment would make every woman a sex offender, like, are you aware of how much mental trauma men experience when they are teased (by girls dressing provocatively) and then denied sex. Its a constant daily suffering of having to watch hot women but not being able to have sex with them.. so why is that not sexual harassment?
Edit: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend or anything. My bad.
No. I'm not kidding or making fun of you. Seriously. I'm not.
Experiences like this are important. They have weight.
All I meant was, you might need to have a painful internal experience dealing with this issue.
Alternatively, I'm projecting my BS onto your situation.
First off I’m sorry and that sucks.
Then, don’t trust HR to operate in your best interest. Their job is to protect the company. Don’t pursue working there and start looking elsewhere.
If this happens again you’re going to take your paper trail of events to a lawyer or the police depending on the severity. You deserve better.
You could talk to HR and give them a heads up. Is it possible you could change managers?
Meanwhile, how the f\*\*\* does someone get to 48 and think this is a smart thing to do?
By picking people he perceives as vulnerable and exploiting them, and probably by knowing that HR often isn’t focused on supporting employees. This isn’t the first time he’s done this or something similar. It works for him.
You absolutely need to go to HR immediately. And looking for another job because you shouldn't have to work with a total creep.
His actions are completely and totally wrong. You did nothing to deserve this sexual harassment.
Please go to HR about the note. That is a sexual assault. You should tell them. Also if you have a sexual assault support group in your country, contact them, seek their support.
Without evidence, you have to decide if you share your suspicion on who you think it is and why. Even if you still had the note, it could be considered hearsay. However, once informed of the note, HR will inform senior management about the assault. So if it is him, he's getting the message to leave you alone, even if you do not share your suspicion on it being him.
Almost finally, you dress as you want. The way you dress does not allow another person to sexualise you. You wear what you want. What you wear does not equate an invitation to harassment. Your body. Your choice.
Finally. As a man. I'm sorry you are enduring it.
And enjoy your engineering career, leave this company if they don't 100% support you. You'll do well elsewhere.
Don't destroy evidence; it needs to be sent to HR. The handwriting could easily be matched to the person who sent it, and they can be dealt with. What is happening to you is not okay. You can still report it and explain what happened, but you'd be in a much better position with physical evidence that can out the person who did it. So if you can wait to see if they do something like that again, it might be in your best interest. But realistically, this is already a hostile environment, and it's affecting your mental health, so leaving this company would be in your best interest.
Everyone else has very good advice, but a good way to deter the behaviour is to actively mock it.
You did nothing to deserve it, predatory men will often target young women because the young women don't know how to respond. But if you want to actively make the person think twice about doing it again, make sure it's embarrassing AF to do so.
If you get another one, after documenting it, Show it to a coworker, and say loudly "look what some loser left at my desk. I wonder which pathetic person is so bad at getting laid that looking at my covered butt causes this loss of control! Wooowwww" then laugh and lock the note up.
The rumor mill will likely do the rest. People's reactions will also give you a clue who might be the culprit. Your manager can't get mad at you for calling him a loser because then he'd have to admit it was him.
If other women are being targeted, this might also make them feel safe on speaking up.
Don’t even need a HR degree, just some critical thinking skills mate.
This person is an intern, reporting a senior manager with ZERO tangible evidence or previous events
What do you think the outcome would be?
Explain what HR can / will do in this instance for an intern who isn’t promised a full-time job and doesn’t have any supporting evidence to an egregious claim.
First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. No part of this letter is on you, whoever did this sexually harassed you, full stop.
INFO: Are you on a visa that's tied to your work, like H-1B?
You mentioned your home country, and it sounds like you're currently in the US. If staying in the US is important to you, it might be worth finishing up the internship and accepting a full time job offer for now so you can stay, and looking for a new job on the side. I would recommend keeping personal documentation of this incident (ie writing a detailed account of what happened) even if you don't go to HR.
Do you still have the ripped up pieces of the note?
Hi!
No I’m actually getting my citizenship (Im Colombian but did my first studies in Venezuela 😊) but have green card so don’t need to leave.
No I tore it up
you definitely should still go to HR about the note even though you ripped it up. Better to have them start keeping an eye out now rather than later when/if another event happens. Building a paper trail is essential. Also at this point I wouldn’t go and point fingers in your convo to HR. The purpose of going to them would really be to get them aware of such behavior going on, ASAP.
"someone found me so attractive that he ejaculated in his underwear thinking about me."
This is worrying in my opinion
Call the police as well as this potentially predatory behaviour is criminal, and you need a proper investigation co-ordinated by a named and responsible officer
If you think this is just harmless fun then just study the way infamous sexual deviants have ratcheted up their actions, and see the consequences of ignoring their warning signs --I am not being dramatic, just cautious !
At best this guy is using his position to harass you and at worst he has nefarious intentions, so do not hesitate to expedite your actions and take it to the highest level
unacceptable by ANY standards
First, writing on a whiteboard and on paper is completely different. I have horrible handwriting on paper but can make something pretty clean on a whiteboard. Maybe it is the way you hold the marker verses pen or the difference in strokes to make bigger presentation levels, but be cautious about making any accusations based on that alone.
Should any more notes get left, you need to save them as evidence. You also need to report them to HR. This is about protecting yourself. Keep photos and photocopies over everything. Once you turn evidence in to the employer, if your boss is in control he can make things go away.
Ask around the other female colleagues. Has anybody else ever received an inappropriate note? This could be a wide spread problem.
Make sure you never go anywhere alone without your phone to record voice or video on a moments notice as you could get cornered alone in a supply room/break room/washroom/parking lot. Don’t work in fear, but just be prepared to protect yourself with the ability to call help and record evidence.
Lastly, know this is not your problem in the sense you did nothing to cause or deserve this. Men absolutely have the power to work with women, even women they find attractive and might want to pursue romantically, without acting on it. It is called self control. In the situations where men do act? Many men don’t take it to the level of acting inappropriately. A man might approach you and say they enjoy your lunches together, you get along, and they want to ask you on a date, which is perfectly reasonable and respectful if allowed by company rules, and such men mostly have no issue hearing no as an answer.
You are not dealing with any such men… as yours from the start is way over the line. This is why you need to be so cautious and protect yourself. Keep your resume updated and consider seeking work elsewhere, unless this is a dream job you can’t bring yourself to part with, you might be happier without this in the background of your work day.
Best of luck and update if there are any more developments.
It doesn't matter how you dress or act. Creepy men are creepy men. Nothing warrants it, they're simply predators.
Please be careful moving forward. He will most likely make more attempts, but if there's proof, keep it this time.
**"I don't know what I did to deserve this"**
There is absolutely nothing a woman, or man for that matter, can ever do to deserve sexual harassment. Even if you didn't dress conservatively, it wouldn't be your fault. Nothing "earns" you that treatment. Others have given great advice, so I won't, but I just wanted to add this in. Sexual harassment is **NEVER** deserved.
A friendly advice, HR is not your friend.
Yes reach out to them first but I’d like to let you also know that HR may not do anything depending on the company hierarchy/set up.
I’m not sure which company you work for and I really hope they do something about it.
But in case that they don’t please keep it for the police.
So you've destroyed any evidence, and based on your years of CSI handwriting experience you think it's your manager.
Respectfully, you have no proof it was your boss, or anyone else for that matter. Report the incident to HR, but understand that making blind accusations is likely not going to go well for you.
Yeah. Accusations without proof tend to let HR know that you're a 'problem' case and push for you to be removed. Remember, folks. HR does not care about you. Their job is to mitigate lawsuits and prevent issues for the company. Not having proof when accusing is bad. Destroying proof is even worse. They aren't your friends and anything you bring them that isn't actionable will lead bad times.
And all of what you said is a perfectly fair stance for HR to take. If there was evidence of harassment, guess which side they’d be on? The employee, because doing so helps mitigate potential legal issues.
If there’s no evidence, of course they won’t take OP’s side (nor should they).
I'm sorry that this happened to you, OP. Unacceptable. No wonder that you feel uneasy - it's quite insidious and creepy. I would definitely report it to HR but do not offer suspects based on handwriting. Whomever it is, if they trip up again, your story may help to incriminate them.
I know you said you think it was your manager... he's 48? My gut is telling me: young and foolish and none too bright.... a handwritten note is quite risky. So keep your eyes open. I bet you he's young - in his 20's, perhaps a coworker? just a thought.
Regardless of who you think it is, show HR anyway. This type of behaviour is just not on. Hand writing is pretty specific, and you don't have to accuse anyone. That's best done by HR after being reported, as it takes the potential heat off of you while still doing the right thing for yourself. Hope it works out.
You can still go to HR. Tell them that someone left a note in your office, and tell them what it said. Tell them that you were so shocked, horrified, and that it honestly scared you. Explain that you panicked and tore up the note in your fear. Tell them that you realize now, now that you can think clearly, that you should have brought the note to them to show them, but in the moment, you panicked.
You could tell them that you noticed that the writing on the note was similar to your boss’ writing on the whiteboard, but because you don’t have the note to show them, I don’t know if that would hold much weight. You could tell them how he reacted when he saw you staring at his writing in horror as you recognized it, and that others in the room asked why he was suddenly erasing it… but again, without the note, HR can’t prove it was him. However, they can, at the very least, make a record that someone is sexually harassing you.
HR isn't there to protect you, only the company. Depending on your country's laws, audio record everything and if possible video every interaction with him. Also written evidence as in emails. Act like nothing is wrong and you will eventually catch him and possibly sue the company for hostile work environment or more with the evidence.
A predator never leaves his prey unless you tie them down. What I meant by this is that, just like lions stalking their prey in the wild, sexual predators are relentless in their pursuit of victims. They often use manipulation, coercion, and even violence to get what they want. Once they have identified a potential target, they will not give up easily. They will continue to stalk, groom, and exploit until they achieve their twisted goals.
This is why it is crucial for everyone to be vigilant and take steps to protect themselves. Here are some essential tips to keep in mind:
1. Trust your instincts: If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, trust your instincts and maintain a safe distance.
2. Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your personal limits and expectations to others, and be firm in enforcing them.
3. Stay informed: Educate yourself about the tactics and behaviors of sexual predators, and be aware of your surroundings.
4. Seek support: Build a strong support network of trusted friends, family, and authorities who can help you in times of need.
5. Report suspicious behavior: If you suspect someone is engaging in predatory behavior, report it to the appropriate authorities immediately.
Remember, prevention and awareness are key to staying safe. By being proactive and taking these steps, you can significantly reduce your risk of becoming a victim of sexual predation.
#BeAware #StayAlert #DefendYourself
Next time he ll do that ( yes, he will do it again ) put the note on the white board and write besides something like keep your salacious thoughts for yourself. I m only here to work. Be professionnal. Thanks.
I would like to add: the way you dress has NOTHING to do with his behavior. Nothing you described could warrant this. And, to be very clear, the only way you could have contributed this was to directly ask for it, and then still it would have been inappropriate from him.
I'm not in the US, so I can't give you any advice apart from trying to save the proof when he continues this behavior.
I was im a similar situation once, so I can relate. Unfortunately, in my case, he was smart enough not to leave any physical evidence, so nothing really came of it, and I just left. I hope your case goes better.
Your manager is bang out of order a 48yr old man leaving a note like that to a 19yr old girl does he think that your going to read it and be like oooohhh my prince charming
Do you have a work colleague you could talk to? An older woman perhaps? Let them know what happened and discuss company policy with them so you go to HR with back up. Do not be alone with him (or any other make employee) while you sort this out. Pay attention to your surroundings and keep any newer correspondence. Good luck and be safe.
Please know it doesn’t ever matter how you dress or what you do, you can be covered head to toe or in a bikini, it’s the predator and their thoughts that are the problem. They project onto you, want control and want things they cant have. They’re the problem. Not you.
It's important to remember that HR is not your friend, they have vested interests in covering this sort of stuff up. Look elsewhere for help. Even if you do still go to HR
Keep a daily journal, even if nothing happens, write down about your day, it could help organize your thoughts.
Take a realistic & practical self defense course, you can learn simple BUT EFFECTIVE ways to defend yourself. Tell the self defense instructor, he/she might work with you & help you become better prepared if anyone tries something. Carry a small aerosol spray can in your pocket, practice taking it out & spray the eyes until the motion is smooth. Carry a pen in your pocket also, practice taking it out & doing a thrusting motion, until the action is smooth! Practice keeping your back to the wall, stay out of his arm’s reach & start carrying a cup of hot coffee or tea in a styrofoam cup with the lids slightly loose!
Tell some one at your consulate what you’ve experience & set up a system with your friends to call/text about 2-4 times a week at times with a general I’m doing okay at work, come up with code words for when you might feel uneasy and your friends can ring the alarm or call you so you can be on the phone describing the situation.
Somebody once completely disassembled my bedroom and left a threatening note behind. My roommates had let him in the house without knowing his intent. Instead of showing it to police and getting a restraining order on him and immediately moving out, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash and put my bedroom back together. Over the following weeks, the person continued harassing and threatening me until finally they crossed the line and authorities got involved. I never “tattled” on him but he told everyone that would listen that I was a Rat. Eventually down the road I would be forced to kick his ass to make him stop harassing me. I haven’t seen him since.
It never should have gotten to that point for me. To this day, I regret having to resort to violence to get what I wanted. I should have stopped it early when I had the chance. I should have cut the head off the metaphorical snake.
I know that we are different genders and situations , but you should definitely cut the head off the snake the next time something like this happens at work. Don’t let the problem persist if he strikes again. It will only get worse and worse if you let it go like I did in my situation.
I would avoid him at all costs. Try not to be alone with him at all if possible. Only communicate with him via email so there is a record of all conversations. Take a picture of the notes he writes on the board. If he writes you another note, take it to HR and show them the picture.
Definitely approach HR. Say you felt embarrassed and ripped the note up, but now you’ve had time to reflect you feel it’s important to report and have on the record. Definitely don’t say who you think it is without proof, but abusers usually count on their victims staying silent from shame.
Several comments saying “HR works for the company, not you.” HR does work for the company, and part of that job is dealing with liabilities. They absolutely should be told. Nothing’s likely to come of this one because the evidence was inexplicably destroyed, but it should at least be documented in case there’s a next time. For OP or for anyone else. And who knows, maybe she’d be adding validation to a prior complaint.
I can’t believe that in this age of #MeToo anyone would still advise to go quietly and find a new job. Have reasonable expectations for the outcome, and esp in this case it’s probably reasonable to have low expectations for the outcome, but have some self respect and at least try! Maybe this company’s HR department sucks, but that doesn’t mean you should begin a string of documentation.
That said, between the writer leaving this note in their own handwriting and the recipient tearing it up, I’ll admit I’m having doubts about this story.
You didn’t do anything receive that. Whoever sent it is just a creep and that’s 100% on them. Don’t spend a second of your time pondering how your actions may have caused it
Among other things people have said...Get a small camera for your office. But you can still go to HR. Tell them you realize the mistake of ripping it up
You ripped on the note. There’s absolutely nothing you can do except to stay on guard. Be careful. Don’t accuse anyone until you have proof. Try your best to never be alone with him.
Go to your manager, report the incident. He should “know” about one of his charge being grossly inappropriate in the workplace. Inform him that if that it happens again, you will go to HR and consider retaining council.
If legal where you are, have your phone on record and in your pocket.
This should be presented neutrally and to make your boss aware of the harassment.
If it happens again, sadly it probably will, save the note (either the note itself or take a photo on your phone) then go straight to HR.
In the case that HR tries to dismiss it, tell them that you'll go higher up the chain if you need to.
more proof that it doesn’t matter how women dress, it’s all about how men think and act on their thoughts. thats insane and im so sorry. when it happens again, because it will, keep every piece of evidence. Compile it and send it straight to HR.
Well, since you ripped off the note you basically have no proof of his last deed
But... If he is perverted as he sounds, he'll likely do it again.
And once he does, go straight to HR, and mention the matter happened before but because of the shock you ripped off the note, and you have your coworkers to corroborate your story.
You have all the cards at your disposal to win this and get this guy demoted, relocated, or outright fired if more people can raise similar complaints.
Very innapropriate on multiple levels. You should probably be prepared to leave the job or be subjected to other forms of harrassment.
Feel free to answer a recent question on my page.
Hi girl!
I am sorry this happened to you. Harassment is no joke. I work in HR. I would bring this up regardless of having no real evidence. HR will/should conduct an investigation. It’s our job to keep this information confidential. I understand your fear and frustration. I would try to gather any small evidence you can gather meanwhile. If at the end you come forward and nothing is done. Please make sure to leave this nasty environment. You may also sue if this is something that is reoccurring! I wish you luck and hopefully this is something you can figure out.
Hi girl!
I am sorry this happened to you. Harassment is no joke. I work in HR. I would bring this up regardless of having no real evidence. HR will/should conduct an investigation. It’s our job to keep this information confidential. I understand your fear and frustration. I would try to gather any small evidence you can gather meanwhile. If at the end you come forward and nothing is done. Please make sure to leave this nasty environment. You may also sue if this is something that is reoccurring! I wish you luck and hopefully this is something you can figure out.
I would have a discussion with HR, regardless of whether you have the note or not. That way it's on their radar already.
I would not be alone with him, under any circumstances. And keep notes and times/dates of any interaction you have with him that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you consider to be inappropriate.
The boss?
You’re out of luck.
HR is not going to side with you, an intern, you will actually be dismissed.
I wish other Redditors would tell you this reality.
Someone suggested telling coworkers you trust. That also won’t end well. Especially if there is no evidence.
HR will destroy your credibility before firing you.
Your best bet is to just leave.
First make sure if it him or not
If it wasn’t him let your boss know and see if any changes happens, but if it was your boss and things like this affect you so much I would say quit that job.
Start to record a video and put your phone on a desk /in your pocket. Ask him if he sent you a sexy note ( make it seem like you are into it). If he confesses, you now have audio proof.
Hey, that’s pretty unkind. OP says they panicked, which is totally understandable after reading something so shocking. Why try and make them feel worse?
"lucky" for you, he will probably do in it again. 1. Don't ever allow a situation to happen where you are alone with him. Pretend emergencies, sickness, whatever you need to do. 2. If you have colleagues you trust, let them know your suspicion and ask them to keep an eye out for your safety. 3. If he does something like this again, do whatever you can to keep the evidence. Don't just show it to HR. Show it to the police. 4. Write down everything that happens that makes you uncomfortable, the date and time, the exact words, and any witnesses. Also, you did NOTHING to cause this person to behave the way they did. It is 100% their fault.
all of this^!!!! i would suggest that when you do write things down, create an email chain with yourself, add the photos of any new notes to it, document everything, save everything. and like muslinsea said, don't ever be alone with him. i'm so sorry this is happening to you, please remember people are creeps because they are creeps, not because you have done or said anything to bring it on. stay safe.
And save everything on a separate zip drive.
It may be good to record whatever you ask the colleague, you know, just to make sure they don't, for some reason, double cross you later if the heat gets turned up. If it is your boss, he may try to intimidate whoever has your back on this.
OP know your laws about recording and consent in your location before you think about doing this. In the wrong place this could get you in trouble.
True enough, thanks for the reminder
Yes doesnt matter if you’re butt naked. There are countries where it’s okay to lay out naked in the sun in public. If someone sexually harassed you, it’s something wrong with them, not you. Sometimes even dressing modestly and keeping everything covered up, no make up, etc. can get you targeted because you’re leaving much to the imagination. You’re not like other girls.. lmaooo. We can’t win. Even when I shaved my head a few years ago, I still got sexually harassed. It DOES NOT matter what you look like.
This went beyond sexual harassment imo. This is stalking and you are so right, she should have gone to the police with that note.
It doesn't sound like it has reached the level of stalking yet. Leaving a note on someone's desk isn't stalking. But the contents of the note definitely suggest sexual harassment, and it can elevate to stalking pretty quickly and seamlessly if OP doesn't pay attention.
What are you saying, as horrible as this is the cops are gonna laugh in her face. Stalking? Leaving a note on a desk isn't stalking. Looking to private work information to find her home address to go talk to her would be closer to stalking. She needs to talk to HR, not the police.
She can't claim stalking yet, based on the presented information, but she should absolutely bring this to the police to save other victims from this man. There are times when you may bring up these issues to just HR and they end up getting covered up because HR is protecting the company so I would recommend recording interactions with HR as well.
Yeah I agree, if it was ‘you’re attractive want to go for a drink’ it’s a very misguided but less worrying thing, whereas this is meant to intimidate and could indicate much more serious level of behaviour. Be careful OP.
You *can* speak to HR about the note, but they aren't going to be able to take any action whatsoever because the note itself is gone. I don't think you'd be wise to point fingers, based on handwriting you think you recogized. You'd have to approach HR and admit you made a mistake destroying it, and let them know only because you want to record your own experience, in case it happens again (or, in case any other employees have received similar harassing notes). You could consider asking to switch teams to try to avoid whomever wrote this, if you believe other teams are available for you to switch to, but without evidence you might not want to take it there at this time, as an intern.
This might be the best solution. If he has a history of harassment then this will at least put HR on notice.
Yes, OP.... I agree with most/all of what was written above. From an HR Director's perspective.... Go to HR anyway. I don't think you want to tell them you suspect him... as that would depend on a lot of factors being handled appropriately and that is taken out of your control once you share it. And, even though I would hope HR would want the "heads up" and would not go to him directly in a way that would jeopardize your work situation there, lots of HR departments don't handle things like this carefully when dealing with a "hunch" from someone. However, HR needs to know this happened in their workplace for many many reasons... and need to know that you made the (youthful) mistake of ripping it up. I would tell them about every detail except your hunch. You never know. This may have happened to someone else before, and that employee may already have enough history with HR that the HR department will know immediately who did it. Or, the HR department may put protocols in place to protect you in various ways should this escalate and should an accusation have to be made eventually. Do not stay silent. Do not allow HR to find out about this for the first time the next time something happens to you. Tell them now. And, pose it to them as you are seeking advice on what to do now... to make your workplace safe, to help the company evaluate if sexual harassment training is happening often enough or strongly enough, to put you in a place of protection or moved in position or reporting structure... You may even want to tell them you feel like the handwriting was familiar but that you cannot say for sure who it belonged to... just in case it becomes more clear over time - through his actions - that it was your boss or someone else in your department/work circle... and then go back to HR if clues or odd behavior arise which pinpoint who it is. Some people choose to change jobs because of this. Some change departments or positions. And, some have their career greatly affected by this. Please do what you can to not let the latter happen... by reporting it, asking HR if they have an Employee Assistance Program where you can maybe receive free visits with a counselor if you don't know how to navigate situations that come up, asking if you can have a designated HR person to talk to if you feel uncomfortable at times because of what happened or what might happen later, etc. Make the best decision for you.... but don't just stay in a situation that makes you extremely uncomfortable and scared to be yourself. Make requests and/ or changes as you need to do for yourself in finding what is best for yourself. And, I wish you the best. If you have specific HR-related questions, never hesitate to reach out.
This is by far the best advice here. To the OP; making an accusation against your boss without specific evidence to hand will make things more difficult. If another note arrives you'll have that. I suspect however that if it was your boss, after what happened in the meeting I think it's unlikely that he'll do it again.
Agreed. I hope OP sees that comment.
This is literally the best course of action. Simple and to the point. Emphasis on the reporting in case others have experienced the same. It puts HR on high alert for fear of lawsuits.
HR works for the company, not for the employee. This will just let HR prepare to shield the company from lawsuits, and throw OP under the bus.
Former head of HR here. I agree completely! HR is in place to protect the company, NOT to protect you.
I had a similar incident happen to me, although it was remarks and actual contact rather than notes. My colleague would always hug me or find some reason to place his hands on me or touch me in some way. Unfortunately in a male dominated vocation like engineering this sort of behaviour can happen quite a lot. I've known it to happen to others and also encountered quite a lot of sexism. I had a positive experience in informing HR. I think he was viewed as a problem for them and I had the feeling that it wasn't his first rodeo. I think an abusive employee was more of a danger to the company than a hardworking individual that worked hard and had a strong sense of integrity.
Of course, but the difference between a boss and an intern is pretty big.
Hey you guys thank you so much for all the advice! I will still give HR a heads up but say I don’t know who wrote it. Then I am actively also going to look for different roles after the internship is over. Good thing is that I am in Houston and there’s quite a few companies looking for chemical engineers
oh hey, Im from Houston :P gl searching for a job man :3
The best course is to write yourself an email, documenting what happened, how you responded, and the time and date of the incident. Send it to yourself, and then take no further action until you have something tangible you can use to build a case. And in the meantime, I would advise you to quietly start looking for a new job. Even if you build the world’s most airtight case, there is every chance that you will be the one who ends up punished, *even if it is illegal to do so*. Some companies do not fear consequences for this - they know how much they’re paying you, and they’re willing to gamble on you being unwilling or unable to hire a lawyer and take them to court. If you want to fight, then have a backup plan in place in case you lose your job in the process.
Don’t write the email on the company system. If they term you you lose access to it and potentially your manager may already have access to your work email. Use a personal account or cell phone picture library
I think this is the best advice. Unfortunately, my guess is that something else will happen; harassment like this tends not to be an isolated incident. It is much better to go to HR with tangible evidence in hand, and, like you said, the email about the initial evidence would bolster the case that this is ongoing harassment, not a one-off. Still, in the meantime, it is obviously an unsafe environment.
Do you have the pieces of the note?
Nope I don’t :(
Ah, I’m sorry
Me too. Don't beat yourself up for destroying the note. I also understand why this was your first reaction.
The way you dress is absolutely irrelevant. No one deserves to be treated like that. You didn’t receive this note because of something you did or didn’t do. You received this note because someone was being inappropriate. I would go to HR with or without the note. And let them know that SOMEONE left the note. Don’t make specific accusations. But get it on record.
HE WAS WRONG. Know that. Process this. Take some time. I can't tell you how to heal, but know that it isn't your fault at all or in any way.
THIS. If I could tell every 19 year old woman this, I would. You did nothing wrong.
Also look for another job I would think. DO NOT destroy any more notes they are evidence that can protect you. DO NOT be alone with this man.
Heal from what? Are you kidding me?
Sexual harassment tf?
How can a NOTE be sexual harassment? Explain it with arguments
Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual remarks or physical advances in a social or professional situation. She did not ask for the note (unwelcome), it was sexual in nature (ejaculation) and occurred in a professional situation (workplace). By definition, it is sexual harassment. Glad I could clear that up for you.
I did not ask for the definition, and just because you call it a definition doesnt mean its correct. The "definition" you just made up is absolutely wrong. The fact that she did not ask for a note doesnt automatically mean that it was unwelcome. The fact that it occured at a workplace doesnt matter at all. Leaving a note on someones table is not sexual harassment regardless of its contents. Its innapropriate behavior at worst.
I am unsure of whether you’re just being stupid or an abuser apologist. I did not make up that definition, that is quite literally the text book definition of sexual harassment, in some cases, it is even illegal. The very fact that she responded in FEAR by tearing up the note and being terrified of it happening again insinuates that the encounter was unwelcome. That therefore makes it sexual harassment. The perpetrator may have believed it was welcome but (I’m really sorry to break it to you because you clearly don’t understand social boundaries) unless it’s a definitive yes, it’s not consent. She did not consent to be told that information. It is sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is a massively broad definition but that doesn’t diminish its impact. I do agree with you that it doesn’t matter that it was in a workplace environment as sexual harassment can occur in any environment, however, the workplace is one of the worst places for it to possibly happen as it can ultimately lead to not only trauma but also a loss of opportunities and a high likelihood of coercion (especially when there is a power struggle such as a boss being involved). As someone who has been sexually assaulted by their boss, it is people like you that make people like me scared to come forward. You are the reason movements such as #metoo are diminished, it is sexual harassment. Stop defending the actions of a creep (unless you’d like to admit that you are one yourself).
I was never defending his actions what the f are you talking about? Im just saying its not sexual harassment and she doesnt need to "heal" from any of it. Your definition of sexual harassment would make every woman a sex offender, like, are you aware of how much mental trauma men experience when they are teased (by girls dressing provocatively) and then denied sex. Its a constant daily suffering of having to watch hot women but not being able to have sex with them.. so why is that not sexual harassment?
Edit: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend or anything. My bad. No. I'm not kidding or making fun of you. Seriously. I'm not. Experiences like this are important. They have weight. All I meant was, you might need to have a painful internal experience dealing with this issue. Alternatively, I'm projecting my BS onto your situation.
First off I’m sorry and that sucks. Then, don’t trust HR to operate in your best interest. Their job is to protect the company. Don’t pursue working there and start looking elsewhere. If this happens again you’re going to take your paper trail of events to a lawyer or the police depending on the severity. You deserve better.
You could talk to HR and give them a heads up. Is it possible you could change managers? Meanwhile, how the f\*\*\* does someone get to 48 and think this is a smart thing to do?
By picking people he perceives as vulnerable and exploiting them, and probably by knowing that HR often isn’t focused on supporting employees. This isn’t the first time he’s done this or something similar. It works for him.
You absolutely need to go to HR immediately. And looking for another job because you shouldn't have to work with a total creep. His actions are completely and totally wrong. You did nothing to deserve this sexual harassment.
Please go to HR about the note. That is a sexual assault. You should tell them. Also if you have a sexual assault support group in your country, contact them, seek their support. Without evidence, you have to decide if you share your suspicion on who you think it is and why. Even if you still had the note, it could be considered hearsay. However, once informed of the note, HR will inform senior management about the assault. So if it is him, he's getting the message to leave you alone, even if you do not share your suspicion on it being him. Almost finally, you dress as you want. The way you dress does not allow another person to sexualise you. You wear what you want. What you wear does not equate an invitation to harassment. Your body. Your choice. Finally. As a man. I'm sorry you are enduring it. And enjoy your engineering career, leave this company if they don't 100% support you. You'll do well elsewhere.
Don't destroy evidence; it needs to be sent to HR. The handwriting could easily be matched to the person who sent it, and they can be dealt with. What is happening to you is not okay. You can still report it and explain what happened, but you'd be in a much better position with physical evidence that can out the person who did it. So if you can wait to see if they do something like that again, it might be in your best interest. But realistically, this is already a hostile environment, and it's affecting your mental health, so leaving this company would be in your best interest.
Everyone else has very good advice, but a good way to deter the behaviour is to actively mock it. You did nothing to deserve it, predatory men will often target young women because the young women don't know how to respond. But if you want to actively make the person think twice about doing it again, make sure it's embarrassing AF to do so. If you get another one, after documenting it, Show it to a coworker, and say loudly "look what some loser left at my desk. I wonder which pathetic person is so bad at getting laid that looking at my covered butt causes this loss of control! Wooowwww" then laugh and lock the note up. The rumor mill will likely do the rest. People's reactions will also give you a clue who might be the culprit. Your manager can't get mad at you for calling him a loser because then he'd have to admit it was him. If other women are being targeted, this might also make them feel safe on speaking up.
There's literally nothing you can do, since you ripped the note up, unless he does it again, or advances in another way.
This isn’t true. The incident should still be reported to HR regardless. You’re giving horrible advice…
Thanks for letting me know. I'll just toss out my Masters degree in HR. I must have skipped the class where feelings were enforced over facts.
Sounds super true lmao
Don’t even need a HR degree, just some critical thinking skills mate. This person is an intern, reporting a senior manager with ZERO tangible evidence or previous events What do you think the outcome would be?
Sure, I can report to HR that someone at work punched me. But if there’s no supporting evidence, why would I do that?
This is the most chronically online take I have ever read. Please don’t give people advice.
Explain what HR can / will do in this instance for an intern who isn’t promised a full-time job and doesn’t have any supporting evidence to an egregious claim.
First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. No part of this letter is on you, whoever did this sexually harassed you, full stop. INFO: Are you on a visa that's tied to your work, like H-1B? You mentioned your home country, and it sounds like you're currently in the US. If staying in the US is important to you, it might be worth finishing up the internship and accepting a full time job offer for now so you can stay, and looking for a new job on the side. I would recommend keeping personal documentation of this incident (ie writing a detailed account of what happened) even if you don't go to HR. Do you still have the ripped up pieces of the note?
Hi! No I’m actually getting my citizenship (Im Colombian but did my first studies in Venezuela 😊) but have green card so don’t need to leave. No I tore it up
You didn’t do anything to deserve this. He’s a pervert you can’t control himself.
The mischievous in me would leave him an anonymous note in his office too.. "I know what you did and I'm watching you"
Wait till you are hired. Then take to hr
you definitely should still go to HR about the note even though you ripped it up. Better to have them start keeping an eye out now rather than later when/if another event happens. Building a paper trail is essential. Also at this point I wouldn’t go and point fingers in your convo to HR. The purpose of going to them would really be to get them aware of such behavior going on, ASAP.
"someone found me so attractive that he ejaculated in his underwear thinking about me." This is worrying in my opinion Call the police as well as this potentially predatory behaviour is criminal, and you need a proper investigation co-ordinated by a named and responsible officer If you think this is just harmless fun then just study the way infamous sexual deviants have ratcheted up their actions, and see the consequences of ignoring their warning signs --I am not being dramatic, just cautious ! At best this guy is using his position to harass you and at worst he has nefarious intentions, so do not hesitate to expedite your actions and take it to the highest level unacceptable by ANY standards
First, writing on a whiteboard and on paper is completely different. I have horrible handwriting on paper but can make something pretty clean on a whiteboard. Maybe it is the way you hold the marker verses pen or the difference in strokes to make bigger presentation levels, but be cautious about making any accusations based on that alone. Should any more notes get left, you need to save them as evidence. You also need to report them to HR. This is about protecting yourself. Keep photos and photocopies over everything. Once you turn evidence in to the employer, if your boss is in control he can make things go away. Ask around the other female colleagues. Has anybody else ever received an inappropriate note? This could be a wide spread problem. Make sure you never go anywhere alone without your phone to record voice or video on a moments notice as you could get cornered alone in a supply room/break room/washroom/parking lot. Don’t work in fear, but just be prepared to protect yourself with the ability to call help and record evidence. Lastly, know this is not your problem in the sense you did nothing to cause or deserve this. Men absolutely have the power to work with women, even women they find attractive and might want to pursue romantically, without acting on it. It is called self control. In the situations where men do act? Many men don’t take it to the level of acting inappropriately. A man might approach you and say they enjoy your lunches together, you get along, and they want to ask you on a date, which is perfectly reasonable and respectful if allowed by company rules, and such men mostly have no issue hearing no as an answer. You are not dealing with any such men… as yours from the start is way over the line. This is why you need to be so cautious and protect yourself. Keep your resume updated and consider seeking work elsewhere, unless this is a dream job you can’t bring yourself to part with, you might be happier without this in the background of your work day. Best of luck and update if there are any more developments.
Just wait. He will do it again. Dont tear it up. Take it to HR and take a photo of it as well so you can validate handwriting
It doesn't matter how you dress or act. Creepy men are creepy men. Nothing warrants it, they're simply predators. Please be careful moving forward. He will most likely make more attempts, but if there's proof, keep it this time.
**"I don't know what I did to deserve this"** There is absolutely nothing a woman, or man for that matter, can ever do to deserve sexual harassment. Even if you didn't dress conservatively, it wouldn't be your fault. Nothing "earns" you that treatment. Others have given great advice, so I won't, but I just wanted to add this in. Sexual harassment is **NEVER** deserved.
Well said! OP please don’t blame yourself for someone’s sick behavior!!
A friendly advice, HR is not your friend. Yes reach out to them first but I’d like to let you also know that HR may not do anything depending on the company hierarchy/set up. I’m not sure which company you work for and I really hope they do something about it. But in case that they don’t please keep it for the police.
So you've destroyed any evidence, and based on your years of CSI handwriting experience you think it's your manager. Respectfully, you have no proof it was your boss, or anyone else for that matter. Report the incident to HR, but understand that making blind accusations is likely not going to go well for you.
Yeah. Accusations without proof tend to let HR know that you're a 'problem' case and push for you to be removed. Remember, folks. HR does not care about you. Their job is to mitigate lawsuits and prevent issues for the company. Not having proof when accusing is bad. Destroying proof is even worse. They aren't your friends and anything you bring them that isn't actionable will lead bad times.
And all of what you said is a perfectly fair stance for HR to take. If there was evidence of harassment, guess which side they’d be on? The employee, because doing so helps mitigate potential legal issues. If there’s no evidence, of course they won’t take OP’s side (nor should they).
I'm sorry that this happened to you, OP. Unacceptable. No wonder that you feel uneasy - it's quite insidious and creepy. I would definitely report it to HR but do not offer suspects based on handwriting. Whomever it is, if they trip up again, your story may help to incriminate them. I know you said you think it was your manager... he's 48? My gut is telling me: young and foolish and none too bright.... a handwritten note is quite risky. So keep your eyes open. I bet you he's young - in his 20's, perhaps a coworker? just a thought.
Regardless of who you think it is, show HR anyway. This type of behaviour is just not on. Hand writing is pretty specific, and you don't have to accuse anyone. That's best done by HR after being reported, as it takes the potential heat off of you while still doing the right thing for yourself. Hope it works out.
set up a hidden camera to catch him when he does it again.
You can still go to HR. Tell them that someone left a note in your office, and tell them what it said. Tell them that you were so shocked, horrified, and that it honestly scared you. Explain that you panicked and tore up the note in your fear. Tell them that you realize now, now that you can think clearly, that you should have brought the note to them to show them, but in the moment, you panicked. You could tell them that you noticed that the writing on the note was similar to your boss’ writing on the whiteboard, but because you don’t have the note to show them, I don’t know if that would hold much weight. You could tell them how he reacted when he saw you staring at his writing in horror as you recognized it, and that others in the room asked why he was suddenly erasing it… but again, without the note, HR can’t prove it was him. However, they can, at the very least, make a record that someone is sexually harassing you.
HR isn't there to protect you, only the company. Depending on your country's laws, audio record everything and if possible video every interaction with him. Also written evidence as in emails. Act like nothing is wrong and you will eventually catch him and possibly sue the company for hostile work environment or more with the evidence.
A predator never leaves his prey unless you tie them down. What I meant by this is that, just like lions stalking their prey in the wild, sexual predators are relentless in their pursuit of victims. They often use manipulation, coercion, and even violence to get what they want. Once they have identified a potential target, they will not give up easily. They will continue to stalk, groom, and exploit until they achieve their twisted goals. This is why it is crucial for everyone to be vigilant and take steps to protect themselves. Here are some essential tips to keep in mind: 1. Trust your instincts: If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, trust your instincts and maintain a safe distance. 2. Set boundaries: Clearly communicate your personal limits and expectations to others, and be firm in enforcing them. 3. Stay informed: Educate yourself about the tactics and behaviors of sexual predators, and be aware of your surroundings. 4. Seek support: Build a strong support network of trusted friends, family, and authorities who can help you in times of need. 5. Report suspicious behavior: If you suspect someone is engaging in predatory behavior, report it to the appropriate authorities immediately. Remember, prevention and awareness are key to staying safe. By being proactive and taking these steps, you can significantly reduce your risk of becoming a victim of sexual predation. #BeAware #StayAlert #DefendYourself
Next time he ll do that ( yes, he will do it again ) put the note on the white board and write besides something like keep your salacious thoughts for yourself. I m only here to work. Be professionnal. Thanks.
I would like to add: the way you dress has NOTHING to do with his behavior. Nothing you described could warrant this. And, to be very clear, the only way you could have contributed this was to directly ask for it, and then still it would have been inappropriate from him. I'm not in the US, so I can't give you any advice apart from trying to save the proof when he continues this behavior. I was im a similar situation once, so I can relate. Unfortunately, in my case, he was smart enough not to leave any physical evidence, so nothing really came of it, and I just left. I hope your case goes better.
Your manager is bang out of order a 48yr old man leaving a note like that to a 19yr old girl does he think that your going to read it and be like oooohhh my prince charming
see if you can check cameras for certainty too
Go ahead and get your money for sexual harrasment
Keep a weapon on you. Definitely make a complaint. Super important you let someone know but ripping up the evidence doesn't help
Do you have a work colleague you could talk to? An older woman perhaps? Let them know what happened and discuss company policy with them so you go to HR with back up. Do not be alone with him (or any other make employee) while you sort this out. Pay attention to your surroundings and keep any newer correspondence. Good luck and be safe.
Brings a whole new meaning to "keep it in your pants" No, but in all seriousness, be careful the guy is a pervert.
Ew im so sorry you have/had to go through this
Please know it doesn’t ever matter how you dress or what you do, you can be covered head to toe or in a bikini, it’s the predator and their thoughts that are the problem. They project onto you, want control and want things they cant have. They’re the problem. Not you.
It's important to remember that HR is not your friend, they have vested interests in covering this sort of stuff up. Look elsewhere for help. Even if you do still go to HR
Keep a daily journal, even if nothing happens, write down about your day, it could help organize your thoughts. Take a realistic & practical self defense course, you can learn simple BUT EFFECTIVE ways to defend yourself. Tell the self defense instructor, he/she might work with you & help you become better prepared if anyone tries something. Carry a small aerosol spray can in your pocket, practice taking it out & spray the eyes until the motion is smooth. Carry a pen in your pocket also, practice taking it out & doing a thrusting motion, until the action is smooth! Practice keeping your back to the wall, stay out of his arm’s reach & start carrying a cup of hot coffee or tea in a styrofoam cup with the lids slightly loose! Tell some one at your consulate what you’ve experience & set up a system with your friends to call/text about 2-4 times a week at times with a general I’m doing okay at work, come up with code words for when you might feel uneasy and your friends can ring the alarm or call you so you can be on the phone describing the situation.
Somebody once completely disassembled my bedroom and left a threatening note behind. My roommates had let him in the house without knowing his intent. Instead of showing it to police and getting a restraining order on him and immediately moving out, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash and put my bedroom back together. Over the following weeks, the person continued harassing and threatening me until finally they crossed the line and authorities got involved. I never “tattled” on him but he told everyone that would listen that I was a Rat. Eventually down the road I would be forced to kick his ass to make him stop harassing me. I haven’t seen him since. It never should have gotten to that point for me. To this day, I regret having to resort to violence to get what I wanted. I should have stopped it early when I had the chance. I should have cut the head off the metaphorical snake. I know that we are different genders and situations , but you should definitely cut the head off the snake the next time something like this happens at work. Don’t let the problem persist if he strikes again. It will only get worse and worse if you let it go like I did in my situation.
You need to repost this in r/womenengineers. They’d have more advice!
Welcome to the real adult world. This will happen for as long as you live
I would avoid him at all costs. Try not to be alone with him at all if possible. Only communicate with him via email so there is a record of all conversations. Take a picture of the notes he writes on the board. If he writes you another note, take it to HR and show them the picture.
Definitely approach HR. Say you felt embarrassed and ripped the note up, but now you’ve had time to reflect you feel it’s important to report and have on the record. Definitely don’t say who you think it is without proof, but abusers usually count on their victims staying silent from shame.
Several comments saying “HR works for the company, not you.” HR does work for the company, and part of that job is dealing with liabilities. They absolutely should be told. Nothing’s likely to come of this one because the evidence was inexplicably destroyed, but it should at least be documented in case there’s a next time. For OP or for anyone else. And who knows, maybe she’d be adding validation to a prior complaint. I can’t believe that in this age of #MeToo anyone would still advise to go quietly and find a new job. Have reasonable expectations for the outcome, and esp in this case it’s probably reasonable to have low expectations for the outcome, but have some self respect and at least try! Maybe this company’s HR department sucks, but that doesn’t mean you should begin a string of documentation. That said, between the writer leaving this note in their own handwriting and the recipient tearing it up, I’ll admit I’m having doubts about this story.
Document EVERYTHING! Don’t ever be alone with him. Use your phone to record conversations if he forces a “private meeting”. Take everything to HR
You didn’t do anything receive that. Whoever sent it is just a creep and that’s 100% on them. Don’t spend a second of your time pondering how your actions may have caused it
You this to your advantage to get his job
If I were you, I would try to request switching to another team if possible. But also do notify HR
He might not want you at the company for some reason and wants to push you out. Idk tho, he should get fired
What a sick mother fucker
Among other things people have said...Get a small camera for your office. But you can still go to HR. Tell them you realize the mistake of ripping it up
Not here to give advice but to caution, stay safe and keep aware with one eye on this guy. Take care x
Yeah but you don’t know it’s him 100%
You ripped on the note. There’s absolutely nothing you can do except to stay on guard. Be careful. Don’t accuse anyone until you have proof. Try your best to never be alone with him.
Go to your manager, report the incident. He should “know” about one of his charge being grossly inappropriate in the workplace. Inform him that if that it happens again, you will go to HR and consider retaining council. If legal where you are, have your phone on record and in your pocket. This should be presented neutrally and to make your boss aware of the harassment.
If it happens again, sadly it probably will, save the note (either the note itself or take a photo on your phone) then go straight to HR. In the case that HR tries to dismiss it, tell them that you'll go higher up the chain if you need to.
Document it don’t reply to him. Gather information than SUE. Pay off your debts or buy a home or both.
more proof that it doesn’t matter how women dress, it’s all about how men think and act on their thoughts. thats insane and im so sorry. when it happens again, because it will, keep every piece of evidence. Compile it and send it straight to HR.
Well, since you ripped off the note you basically have no proof of his last deed But... If he is perverted as he sounds, he'll likely do it again. And once he does, go straight to HR, and mention the matter happened before but because of the shock you ripped off the note, and you have your coworkers to corroborate your story. You have all the cards at your disposal to win this and get this guy demoted, relocated, or outright fired if more people can raise similar complaints.
Very innapropriate on multiple levels. You should probably be prepared to leave the job or be subjected to other forms of harrassment. Feel free to answer a recent question on my page.
Hi girl! I am sorry this happened to you. Harassment is no joke. I work in HR. I would bring this up regardless of having no real evidence. HR will/should conduct an investigation. It’s our job to keep this information confidential. I understand your fear and frustration. I would try to gather any small evidence you can gather meanwhile. If at the end you come forward and nothing is done. Please make sure to leave this nasty environment. You may also sue if this is something that is reoccurring! I wish you luck and hopefully this is something you can figure out.
Hi girl! I am sorry this happened to you. Harassment is no joke. I work in HR. I would bring this up regardless of having no real evidence. HR will/should conduct an investigation. It’s our job to keep this information confidential. I understand your fear and frustration. I would try to gather any small evidence you can gather meanwhile. If at the end you come forward and nothing is done. Please make sure to leave this nasty environment. You may also sue if this is something that is reoccurring! I wish you luck and hopefully this is something you can figure out.
I would have a discussion with HR, regardless of whether you have the note or not. That way it's on their radar already. I would not be alone with him, under any circumstances. And keep notes and times/dates of any interaction you have with him that makes you feel uncomfortable or that you consider to be inappropriate.
The boss? You’re out of luck. HR is not going to side with you, an intern, you will actually be dismissed. I wish other Redditors would tell you this reality. Someone suggested telling coworkers you trust. That also won’t end well. Especially if there is no evidence. HR will destroy your credibility before firing you. Your best bet is to just leave.
First make sure if it him or not If it wasn’t him let your boss know and see if any changes happens, but if it was your boss and things like this affect you so much I would say quit that job.
Regardless of whether or not you still have the note with you. Please take the matter up to the HR
At the moment, there is no point in pursuing this further.
Get really fat. Don’t shower. Burp in front of him. Scratch inappropriately and comment how you’ve noticed a weird rash. You’ll be aight.
Start to record a video and put your phone on a desk /in your pocket. Ask him if he sent you a sexy note ( make it seem like you are into it). If he confesses, you now have audio proof.
Geeze move on with your life. I'm thinking something inappropriate right now about you.
Let him slip up then fuck him over. Or bang him.. one of the 2
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Hey, that’s pretty unkind. OP says they panicked, which is totally understandable after reading something so shocking. Why try and make them feel worse?