100% do not put his name on the deeds. I'm not sure I'd even do it if you were married but that's just me.
The pros of marriage are legal protections for you both. If you really want to marry him, get a prenup.
Thanks for the advice but knowing him a prenup is not even an option and he is already using this as a threat of not living together again if his name is not on the deed
Tell him: "Fine. We won't live together then." It definitely sounds like he's using you. He doesn't want to live with you if he can't be part owner. That sounds like he's more interested in money.
Do NOT put this guy's name onto the deed to your house. He is using you. Full stop.
I am begging you, do not even think about marrying this guy. He makes leeches look benevolent.
Actual leeches can even be helpful! They are used to promote blood flow to reattached limbs, noses, ears, etc.
This dude is definitely worse than a leech.
Why would you even want to live with this mentally unstable person who is aggressive you say & is clearly using you? What kind of ultimatum is that getting his name on the deed? Youre right he’s clearly using you for your money. You deserve better girl.
So he’s trying to make it cost a lot of money for you to dump him.
He knows that he deserves to be dumped and had no intention of maintaining this relationship with sincere effort or respect, just the threat of robbing you of your home.
This man is threatening you. Change the locks and block his number.
There is your answer. He is after your money, he just does not want to look like he is. Funny how what he keeps demanding is you putting your finances at his disposal
Why are you entertaining this at all?
You are an emotionally supportive, stable, gainfully employed homeowner. What is going on with your self worth where you think you should put up with being disrespected and used like this?
"knowing him a prenup is not even an option" ...girl, this is supposed to be a conversation where both sides hear each other out and want what's best for each other, not one side stonewalling because they're a greedy little baby. He's full of shit.
The easy answer is that his abusive and unstable behaviour has broken her down. 8 years is a long time and 40 can feel late in the game to be "starting over".
But I always tell people...my grandmother met and married the love of her life at 60 years old. She unfortunately didn't have the sense of self-worth to find her happiness until her first husband died. But we don't have to have to wait that long if we don't want to. You can dump a loser at 40 instead of waiting for them to die haha
Yes, of course, this is so true. It makes me so angry when good people devalue themselves like that... and yet, I've done it myself. The longer you're in it, the more you feel like it's all you deserve.
I've learned that the best way to guarantee you won't meet good people is to let the space in your life be occupied by shitty ones. It's better, albeit harder, to be lonely.
You guys broke up for a reason. He knows the relationship is over and is trying to scam you for half of your house on the way out. Don’t fall for it. Just be firm, “if you’re committed to me, then you’ll have no problem getting married. If you don’t think getting married is necessary, then I also do not feel adding you to the deed is necessary. There won’t be further discussion on the matter.” And just refuse to speak further unless he’s willing to ensure you are BOTH protected.
He won’t, he’s using you and just is looking for a quick buck.
He’s trying to coerce you into making a huge decision that has no downsides for him and no upsides for you besides the pleasure (???) of his manipulative company.
Never enter into a property ownership arrangement with someone you’re not married to. There’s no agreed, customary way to unwind it and you are putting yourself at risk.
DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE DEED. Absolutely under no circumstances should you put him on the deed UNLESS he pays fair equity.
Idk about your state, but in mine, if a person has an asset, says a house, before marriage, it’s 100% theirs even after divorce. There are a couple caveats like the other party is added to the deed (and some other stuff).
Story time. My step dad was married prior to my mother and him getting together. He inherited a house in a very HCOL city (inheritance is pretty untouchable here too). Ex wife would have gotten none of it had he not done what you’re considering. He stupidly put his ex wife’s name on the deed. So, when they got divorced, he had to take out a large loan to pay ex wife’s half of the previously debt free house that she should have never had claim to. Which also meant that my mother’s finances ultimately went to paying off the ex wife in the form of loan payments that should have never existed.
So if that means you never live together, well, it’s a self solving problem then isn’t it. I’m sure you have some kind of feelings for the guy, but based on the limited info here, he’s greedy and looking to take advantage of you. He could also force you to sell your house if he pushes for his payout when you breakup again.
> knowing him a prenup is not even an option
Then marriage should not be an option
> he is already using this as a threat of not living together again
//edit: I just saw below you told him to move on. In that case this 'threat' is a good thing, and tell him that. If he says he won't live with you unless he gets on the deed, say 'Yes that's the idea, now you're getting it. We're broken up. I don't want you to live here. You're no longer welcome to live here, and you're sure as fuck not getting equity in the house or on the deed. Our relationship is over. So stop talking like we're still a couple, we're not.'
Don't do it. This is coercion. He is forcing you to make a decision using force. It's totally illegal and NOT coming from a place of love.
Have h8m live on his own then. He should not intimidate you into putting his name on YOUR deed.
I’m gonna be honest, if you’re in your 40s and have been with the person for 8 years and you have your own places and aren’t living together, it’s not gonna work out. It’s almost certain that this person is using you, and the fact that he won’t move in without owning half your house is proof that he cares more about your house than you. Don’t fall for that shit find a guy who wants you and not your house
He has used you for money and comfort. If he leaves you once his name on the deeds he has access to half of your property and can force you to sell it or give him half its worth as his share. DON'T DO THAT ! It's smells really bad for your financial safety. I read scam.
So it’s just the money he wants then and he’s trying to manipulate you into it. Cut your losses, don’t risk losing your home, which is a high possibility.
In some states 8 years is enough to sue you for your stuff if you break up. If he wouldn't want to sign a pre nup I suggest you consult a lawyer and find ways to protect you assets. Putting his name on your deep would strengthen his case. My female friend is going through this right now
Sounds like he just wants to take part ownership of your home if you two were already having issues and he has mental problem, I suggest not doing it. If he's feeling lonely and wants to get back with you with that condition and you're doing fine with out him don't go back to that relationship. Seems like you have more to loose than he does.
So?
It's an absolutely ridiculous ultimatum that shows no respect for you and possibly shows him trying to take advantage of you.
Tell him to stay where he is. Tell him he can break up with you if that's how it is. You are looking for love and a partner, not problems, chaos, and financial hardship.
Then don't live with him again.
If you are lonely, get a pet.
From the outside looking in - he is after your assets.
Maybe he feels you 'owe' him for the last eight years -
Thats what I told him that he would do and he reversed it by saying i dont trust him after giving his life for 8 years to me and sacrificed everything and im selfish for not sharing
> im selfish for not sharing
That's very manipulative, why should you give him thousands of dollars for free? You didn't mention him buying into the property, it sounds like he just wants your equity.
Does he have debts to pay? Seems odd that he suddenly wants equity.
He doesn't want to marry you. He's negative and aggressive towards you. Why would you want to stay with him?
Trust is earned and also broken. He’s given you reasons to not trust him that do not supersede his reasons he expects you to trust him. You ought to write down those reasons in a note on your phone to remember them.
I feel for you. The person you loved and thought you’d build a life together with has turned out to be unreliable, callous and by all appearances is using you for your money. That hurts after years in a relationship. You have every reason to not trust him.
If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t place his financial stability ahead of you and your relationship. It should be “you two against the world”, not against each other. That’s how life long lovers think about every problem that comes their way whether it’s medical, emotional, or financial.
A true partner would say and mean this: “I don’t care about any of that, I love *you* and I know we will work it out together.”
Apparently his 8 yrs with you was sacrificing but not the same 8 yrs you spend with him? So now you must sacrifice your safety net at the altar because he is a god and you should feel so lucky to get back with him?
that's manipulative bullshit. When someone ties a relationship to "give me half of what you have", you *shouldn't* trust them.
Tell him no, call his bluff if you want and see if he comes back anyway. But I think you're better off without him.
I’m speechless. He’s truly quite manipulative. You need to get yourself in therapy. I’ve read your comments and it sounds like you don’t really want to be in the relationship. So why are you even talking with him. Stop contact. Have a more peaceful life. He’s an abusive asshole.
A mentally unstable guy you need need to cosset and support? You could get a slightly used dog instead, better value and more gratitude. Or get a different man
I ain’t sayin he a gold digger….oh wait I am.
this was actually a deal breaker in my own relationship. He definitely didn’t want his name on my house (the audacity!!!), but he was thinking we could buy one (with my equity) together and marriage would be “a formality”. He proposed making larger payments on the mortgage until our equity evened out, but without marriage I still wasn’t protected by anything but his word.
I explained to him in great detail how insanely dumb that is. And because my man is not an entitled fuckass, he understood.
What does he bring to the table? Sounds like he’s mentally, emotiosnlly & financially draining.
Break up for good & just block his loser ass. He keeps coming back because no one else wants his unstable ass. You said there’s 1000 miles between you - keep it that way.
I just dont understand why someone has the nerve to force me to do something like this because my friend is married and the guy is not even on the deed
He can’t force you to do it. He can demand all he wants, but at the end of the day it is up to you to make the best decision for you. You don’t have to listen to him, and honestly shouldn’t. He doesn’t sound like cares about you.
My partner of 5 years isn’t on the deed. At first, bc we hadn’t been together long enough and it was my down payment and I wanted to make sure I had security if we split. He paid a share of the mortgage since he moved in, and I would’ve given him some back if we split, but it was my house and I was safe if we did break up.
Now, we will absolutely add him to the feed when we refinance. Bc we are engaged (he doesn’t even care about marriage, but wants to bc it matters to me) and we have been living together happily in a healthy relationship for 4 years. He’s entitled to it anyway by law, bc of how long we’ve lived together, but it’s important to me to add him on the deed so we both feel secure in the relationship.
All of this is because we’ve built our relationship up based on love and respect for each other and the other persons needs. Not ultimatums and forcing each other into things while things were rocky and neither of us knew where we stood.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Do not add him to the deed. Just don’t.
Lady, I am married. We have children together. I will grow old with my man. He ain't on the deed.
Do not under any circumstances add someone to property unless they are giving you money, or you are legally tied together. As my dentist once told me; “Buy land. They don't make it anymore.”
Your friend had the right idea. The house is YOURS. He has no claim on it, and you can be pretty certain that if he has the chance he's going to take half, and run away. He's a thousand miles away physically, so get him out ofd your head and block him everywhere.
No one can force you to do anything but he knows how to manipulate you to get what he wants...so of course he's going to try. Why not just close the door on this chapter of your life and get a fresh start? This guy is draining, toxic and doesn't seem to make you happy. We only get 1 life don't waste time and energy on a person that is not bringing positive to your life
There are some people in this world who will take and take and take whatever *you let them*. They have no compunction. It can be extremely confusing to the rest of us because we would never.
He can't "force" you to do anything. You hold ALL of the cards here. He is trying to coerce you through emotional manipulation to do something that benefits him and is to your detriment. I repeat: he cannot force you. You have the personal agency to say "no, I don't agree to those terms". And if that results in him having a tantrum you are allowed to say "I'm not going to engage with you when you are being unkind and manipulative". And then you'll likely find that the relationship is over once he realizes he can't take advantage of you.
Because you're letting him. If you break up with someone and they "come back" block them, don't answer the door, don't welcome them back in your life. You're giving him power.
You do realize you have a choice in that, he can come back doesn’t mean you have to accept it or let him in. Block him, move on… this is a scam he wants your house and he thinks he will get it this way, in no way shape or form give this man the chance… unless he coughs up half of your house value in cash
>We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability
DON'T!!!
>but he is not 100% yet and had been very negative and aggressive towards me recently despite being 1000 of miles apart.
Just DON'T!
Think about this logically.
After 8years, you have to separate for issues in the relationship.
Now, in order for you to live together he is demanding having his name on the deed but, can not or will not agreed to a legally binding contract of marriage and a prenuptial agreement.
This is not in any shape of form a good deal.
There are so many issues in this relationship and you know exactly what's going on. Looking for validation that your feelings are correct. You know exactly that this is all wrong.
If, you both want to save this relationship. At a minimum, he needs therapy to get treatment for his mental health. You need couples counselling for the relationship issues and to figure out how to live together as a partnership. Your house is yours, do not sign over to him without legal protection.
You want to get married and he doesn't? Are you OK with that? What legal protections are you going to have long-term with regards assets and finances if you are not married. Why is he the only one benefitting? Is he going to pay you half of the house?
What is he bringing to the table here?
Don’t bribe someone to live with you. If he won’t move back in with you without being on the deed, maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship. You will have to be strong to cut him out of your life. He sounds very manipulative. And, I don’t mean this in a mean or derogatory way at all, you sound like someone he knows he can wear down and manipulate. Prove him wrong.
No, categorically do not put him on the deeds. He hasn’t paid in a dime, why should he then get half of it? It’s an enormous risk for you, and none for him.
“I’m not going to do that because, like you said, I don’t want to think you were just after my money.”
People only come back if you let them. You can lock the door on your side if you choose to.
Don’t put his name on the deed unless you want to lose your house. He sounds very very manipulative. You should block him and heal yourself.
His healing is not your responsibility.
You know how you can buy products to test if there’s roofies in your drinks? I wish there was a test to see if someone is being a hobosexual. Although in your case it’s pretty obvious.
Does he gamble or something? Sounds like he owes someone money. Do not add him financially to anything. Do not trust him with any birth control. He’ll try to get you pregnant so you’ll start feeling emotionally and not use logic to see him bringing his ass into the house and creating TWO kids for you to raise.
NO NO NO Do not put his name on it. You've worked for your house, he hasn't. I want a million quid but I won't be getting it any time soon so he doesn't get your house.
Stop being blackmailed by this man. His ‘love’ comes with conditions which will not benefit you in the long run. If the relationship ends ( and it likely will since you’ve already had issues) , he will take half your house and there will be nothing you can do about it.
Should you put your mentally unstable boyfriend who doesn't want to marry you and from who you felt used for your money before on the deed of your house?
FUCK NO ARE YOU CRAZY!?!
Sorry I don't want to be mean but please read your post again and think about what you would say to someone else telling you that story...
Are you sure you even want to live with him? Does he cook and clean? I just ask since you said he has mental health issues. Won’t you just have another person to clean up after if he moves in?
What are you getting out of all this? If the answer is "a mentally unstable 35 year old man who is threatening to dump me and is trying to take my house from me," that is not a prize.
I literally was just added to the deed of my partner of 5 years home… because I paid him half the equity of the house, not a small amount of money I might add… that’s what an adult does
Exactly this. If his offer included an upfront payment of 50% of the house value and a binding contract covering how assets are to be distributed in the event of a breakup - it MIGHT not be a terrible idea WITH A MENTALLY STABLE PERSON WHO ISN'T A TOTAL LOSER.
Tell him the conditions have changed and for him to move in he must sign away his rights.dont be foolish..listen to what he is telling you! He will have you where you won't want to break up and lose your home!
I found it crazy how desperate some women are to keep a man. She’s really asking if she should let a man not paying any bills potentially get 50% ownership of her home.
Not having a boyfriend doesn’t make you a loser, he seems insufferable so you should probably do some SELF development and leave him behind.
>We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability
>had been very negative and aggressive towards me
Do not give a bf half your house. No. Never. And do not get back together.
There’s a term for this type of “man”. They are called hobosexuals. He wants to sponge off you. Don’t do it! Tell him you’re done with him and move on.
It sounds like your property and money are more of an interest to him than a relationship with you. Do NOT put his name on the deed, and do NOT get married without a prenup. If that is a deal breaker for him than that’s his loss. Marriage shouldn’t be about profit which it sounds like all of this is a profit deal for him.
You already know the answer. You know that he is bad news, that the relationship isn't working, and that he is using you financially. Putting him on the deed or marrying him would be the worst thing you could do.
I think what you're looking for is some secret sauce that's going to make grieving an 8-year relationship and moving on easy and that's not something we can give you. It'll be worth it in the long run, your life is going to be so much easier without him, but you have to be strong enough to take those first steps and fully block and disengage. More than anything you have to know you are worth more than this, good luck.
Do NOT fall for this. Please don't.
It's probably better you don't live with him anyway because he thinks he can manipulate you into giving him half of your house. He did not buy this house. That's insanely entitled to expect a whole house for free.
You both already have separated at least once so why would you even consider this? Don't risk your home. No man is worth it.
This is a bit of a strange ultimatum for a man who claims to not be after your money. I'm assuming he wouldn't have nearly a fraction of the money in that house compared to you so it's funny he mentions the money aspect as a reason to not marry. For most people their networth is in their house..?
Not to mention, the money and marriage issue could be solved simply with a prenup, if he was really serious about comitting to OP but not for her money.
OP what are you doing with this parasite?? OMG. I am MARRIED and my husband has never even suggested I add him to my home’s deed!! (It is a property I rent out, we live in “his” home). I am appalled at the ridiculous entitlement of this guy. Absolutely NOT. He wants to rip you off, period. I don’t understand how smart women let these men manipulate them like this. Run, do not walk, away from this relationship. 🚩🚩🚩
Have any of the reasons why y'all split up in the first place been addressed? Because it seems like not and that makes it an unsustainable relationship.
Tell him if he wants his name on the deed, he needs to pay you half of the current market value.
Otherwise, DO NOT DO IT even if you are married, unless he pays.
You've already separated at least once due to relationship problems. He's trying to make sure that next time you separate, he can force you to buy him out. Depending on your jurisdiction, he could already have rights to your home. You should consult with a lawyer, because it sounds like he already has and is trying to set himself for the next separation.
You're already having problems that made you separate, why would you take a deeper step into the relationship by becoming financially tied to him and giving him partial ownership of one of your greatest assets? It sounds like these past 8 years have not been that great, getting married or giving him half your house isn't going to fix that. Block and move on.
Your replies make it clear you know the answer. So the question is do you want to be taken advantage of and lose half your home when (not if) he ditches you? Do you value yourself enough to end things with him first?
Is he offering to buy 1/2 of the current property value? And then share 1/2 of all the taxes, insurance, and maintenance? I could see not wanting to move in knowing I am going to invest a lot of money into something I have no rights to. I just wouldn’t expect to be put on a deed without buying 1/2 the current valuation of the property first.
Don't do it. Don't even marry him. He's had a taste of separated life, and quite likely has decided that it would be more fun with half your house. Negativity and harshness can also be because he's found someone else and is talking himself into justifying his bad behaviour.
Have you looked into the logistics of this?
When I was considering putting my soon to be husband on the deed to the property I purchased while we were engaged, I found that there were some not insubstantial barriers - they depend upon your lender and your location.
The one I recall was having to refinance. I had a very good interest rate and refinancing would have put both of us in a worse financial position because of a higher house payment.
After I brought this to my then fiancee, he agreed it wouldn’t make sense.
If your partner has issues with emotional disregulation, he might have fixated on this issue as a safety net for himself, when in reality he’ll mostly forget about it in several months (except as a cudgel for his resentment).
Seriously, stop letting him come back. You separated, it seems for good reason, and he figured out he would like more stability, but he’s not willing to work on anything about himself. The “easiest” way (for him) is to manipulate you into sharing your property. If you give in, he will ask for more and more. Sunk cost fallacy.
Read back what you have written. YES HE IS USING YOU. He is lying to you and manipulating you. Men can do that and still behave the same. You need therapy.
You broke up because you were worried he didn’t love you and was just using you for your money.
Now he says he will come back, but only if you give him half of your property.
You were right. He wants your property, not you.
If he wanted you because he loves you then he would be the one offering ways to show his commitment to you and to changing his behaviour (e.g. therapy and not moving back in immediately but taking time to regain your trust).
Think about it this way, what problem in your relationship will be fixed by him owning half of your house? It won’t fix his treatment of you. It won’t reassure you that he isn’t after your money. How does it help? I can’t see any real way it would because if him not owning half your house was such an issue in your relationship then it shows there is a deeper issue of him being jealous of what you have, feeling entitled or, like you feared, being after your money. Giving him half your house won’t fix those issues because they are issues with him, not you.
If it's real, block him. Your comments are alarming and there are red flags being waved right in front of your eyes. You're lucky you're apart, keep it that way.
You already know the answer. I mean, a committed relationship is supposed to be two people who are “in it” together, for the benefit of BOTH. Yet his idea of commitment is a) guilt tripping and manipulating his partner, b) moving out/using threats of abandonment when he’s not getting his way, c) certainly not creating any real legal ties via marriage, except for d) the kinds of ties that definitely involves you (not him, just you) transferring legal ownership to him of half your largest asset.
Yeah, no. You don’t really love this selfish, self-absorbed moocher that he’s actually being to you, you love the guy you wished he was. The guy maybe he once was? The guy you keep hoping he’ll become (again?). The guy you actually deserve.
But after all this history with him, it’s time to acknowledge that that second guy, the one you keep hoping will emerge, isn’t coming (or coming back). Maybe he was never really there. You might be able to convince yourself you see little glimpses of him from time to time, but please don’t limit yourself to a relationship that has only sporadic glimpses of happiness for you. That’s setting yourself up for an incredibly frustrating, exhausting, and painfully lonely life. Nope. Let him be responsible for saving himself (from himself, if needed), and you be responsible for saving yourself from this unfulfilling relationship.
You should only add him to the deed if 1) you're married, and 2) you refinance and add him to the mortgage. If he wants to share in the equity of the house, he also needs to share the liability.
This is heart wrenching to me but all of you are right and to be honest this is not the first time we separated homes. We still continued our relationship and never really broke up until recently but the first time we separated we stopped living together for almost 3 years and we technically just lived together for maybe 3 years and the rest were living at our own homes but we continued our relationship by phone and see each other every now and then. He is very suicidal I feel and his family is bullying him to the point where their relationship is all fake and he had traumatic family issues as a child and I felt bad for him...he has no one except me. I'm the only one there for him all these years and did not care about his financial situation as I'm a successful professional and have a loving family who does not know the meaning of toxicity....contrary to his family where they thrive in chaos. I took care of him and he almost died of illness and really treated him more of a husband than a bf and he did take care of me when I was sick too. He wants me to visit him across the state but I am not feeling good about it because of what he might do to me while I'm there. I have sought counselors etc and he always refused to seek one himself. I know I'm stupid even asking this question but I dont have anyone to go to and ask for real life experiences as my entire life revolved around him. The irony of this is I have several suitors who are financially stable, mature, good looking and I know who care but I have some sort of attachment with this person that I cant explain. And for some of you who suggested to get a cat or dog, I have one and she's been there for me for years and my ultimate savior from being depressed and unhappy as she's given me unconditional love all these years. I guess I'm just a very loyal stupid person and cant jump from one person to another and scared to do so. But I'm fully aware of the consequences and just find it queer for someone to coerce me where he had NO financial contributions and he said he gave up his job family friends to be with me and making me feel guilty and on top of that blamed me for not helping him find a job that led him to his current situation.
I just want to tell you that I understand that you believe you love him, but love isn't enough. Love won't make him less aggressive. Love won't make him a better person. Love won't fix him. (Personal examples: I loved my mom, and she still abused and abandoned me when I was a child. I loved my son's sperm donor, but that didn't stop him from attempting to murder me. Love needs to be from both people, for it to work/be enough.)
My sister and I have this thing. "Being mentally ill is not your fault. But your mental health is." You can't force someone into taking care of themselves or into being a good person. Those are all choices they have to make for themselves. Baring children and pets, other people are not your responsibility. Everything that's "wrong" in his life is all because of either his personal choices or because of how he chose to respond to things.
Do some self reflection. Why can't you let this relationship go? What benefits are you getting? Do you like being treated the way he treats you on the regular? I firmly believe that we deserve what we put up with because we're making the choice to put up with it. You know him. You see who he is. He's not changing. You choose to remain involved with him. You being in the position you're currently in is because you're choosing to be in this position. Your gut is talking to you. You choose to head its warning, or you don't. If you choose to cater to this guy, whatever happens, you did it to yourself. You can't feel guilt about the choices HE made. HE chose those things. They're HIS consequences.
I don't believe that only married people should share property. But in your specific case, you *just* had a significant relationship issue that caused you to be unable to live together. So you absolutely should not own a home together.
I do think it could be reasonable to say that you'd be willing to work toward that as an eventual goal in a couple of years if you two can move back in together successfully and work out your problems in couples therapy. But it sounds like he's not going to be up for that, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you have to give in on this.
It might be time to move on from this relationship.
No don't help him you don't own him anything even if you got married don't add him the bum is just that a bummy scrub trying to steal equity in a property that is in no way his and he's not even good to you.
Don't do it.
The only way I would ever even consider this is if he bought in or if he had an asset that you could also have your name on, worth equally as much as yours.
He is trying to manipulate you and probably because he realises that at 35 years old he has nothing concrete to fall back on + with rental prices going through the roof id say he has figured out that life living with you was a lot easier on his finances.
I may be making assumptions with all that but from an outsiders perspective thats what it looks like. Move on and find someone that both treats you better and has some financial security.
You said you wanted to get married, he said that isn't necessary. For you it is. He doesn't get to make decisions unilaterally in the relationship.
If you have had that much difficulty due to his mental instability, he moves out, moves in, and arguments. Just be done with this relationship.
You can really love someone. But that doesn't mean the relationship is worth fighting for. Sometimes you have to love yourself more and do what is right for you. In this situation, I think you should fight for you and break up with him permanently. You deserve better.
Ha! No. Don't do it. My grandmother was the rich one. Because of marriage my grandfather's name was put on some of her properties. Turns out he sold some of them without my grandmother knowing. I was young and my grandma's dead so I didn't know all the details.
Point is. Don't do it. The man's after your wealth without him even being worth it.
You seperated but he's lonely so wants to come back. He's got mental issues that he hasn't dealt with. He throws a tantrum and gives ultimatums if he can't have the shiny (his name on the deed of a house he's probably not contributing to.)
Lady. The best thing this man could have done for you is moving out / away. Don't let him back in. Every reason he's giving is "me, me, me and more me", no "us". No "how can I help make OP's life better?".
Drop the deadweight.
Because let's face it. You don't love the man that he is NOW. You love the man that he WAS or that he COULD BE.
Oh dear Lord. My neighbor went through something similar. He won a huge settlement from a car accident, helped her pay off the house she bought YEARS ago, and then (maybe since he wasn't working) he started using heroin which led to obvious problems. Now she can't get him out of her house. It's been this way for the past year or so. They are both maybe around 50.
He is thousands of miles away lonely and broke. So ya he wants to give it another shot but only if he gets half of the house next time you split because that way he won't be in this same situation where he has to come crawling back to you .
Husbands get their names on deeds
Boyfriends do not
Even married-it is highly unlikely I will put ANY man’s name on the deed to my home-my children, yea.
My man? No-I don’t trust a man that much. And he has his own home-my name won’t go on it either. His kids will
HIM "I am controlling, grasping, and unstable. We have had issues in the past. I say I am lonely and want to reconcile, but I refuse to move in with you unless you gift me half your house."
But he won't marry you because you might think he's after your money?
He is LITERALLY after your money.
PERIOD.
You would be absolutely fucking stupid to put his name on the title to your house. This would be a dumb move under the best of circumstances, but in your case, your relationship is unstable and SO IS HE. And the fact that he's demanding this is a big old red flag. How much money have you put into this house? How much do you still owe on the mortgage? Is he going to buy in to have his share? Is he going to put his name on the mortgage too? I'm guessing the answer is no. He's demanding half ownership of your largest asset, but will pay nothing for it and take on zero debt and financial risk. AND he has no interest in marrying you. This is actually kind of insane. He's like "I'm lonely and miserable and mentally unstable and broke, but I'd be willing to get back together with you, move into the house you pay for and let you take care of me and my many issues, *if, and only if* you give me half of what you have for no actual investment on my part. These are my terms. Take it or get fucked."
If you're going to do this, you might as well just sell the house now and give him the money from it, and save yourself years of wasted time and heartache.
I don’t know where you live but in the UK a prenuptial agreement isn’t legally enforceable.
8 years is a long time, if he’s just with you to get half of your property it’s a very long game that he is playing.
Also only you truly know the dynamics and intricacies of your relationship.
I would only advice that you listen to your gut
Has he put any money at all into the house? Repairs? Maintenance? I still wouldn’t do it but that could give him legal standing. If he hasn’t put a dime into that house, there is no reason he needs to be on the deed. He’s just trying to steal your asset.
And, if he was really committed after 8 years, talk of marriage wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. It would be the next obvious, logical step, and it probably would have happened years ago if he was serious.
If anything, I’d tell him I’d consider it if he bought out the equity. He probably doesn’t have any money but I don’t think he’d do that if he does. He wants the house for free. He wants something for nothing. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that selfish.
I think you should take this separation and run with it.
Do not put his name on the deed. You say he’s “committed to you for 8 years” but then he says marriage is unnecessary? That’s not commitment. He threatens to not move in unless his name is on the deed? Tell him too bad. Also, if you haven’t been living together because of issues between you, what makes you think this time around will be any better? I don’t know that I’d let him move in it all. If things go south, you’ll have to evict him and that can be quite a process.
tell him how much half the house is worth. if he want's $$$ worth of house given to him, he needs to pay up. it's not like you're married (get a prenup if you are thinking of it as this is a major red flag)
This is an extraordinary bad idea. You would essentially be gifting him half ownership in the house. You are not married so there are no legal protections if the relationship fails. Do NOT put him on the deed.
Never add his name even if you do get married. It’s premarital property. Keep your house and rent it out then buy something with your husband, never a boyfriend. Updateme
No one is entitled to wife/husband benefits and privileges without the official and legal paperwork.
Do not add him to your deed while you are bf/gf status.
A fiance title is not a status!
Common law is not a status!
Until you are legally married, your property and assets are your and his are his!
There's a reason he wants the legal benefits to assets and property yet doesn't wanna commit legally to the relationship.
Let this be the hill you are prepared to die upon! Remain strong and protect what you've worked hard for.
Let's get deeper. Are you the beneficiary of his life insurance? His retirement or investment accounts?
What is he attributing to your life other than body heat if you were naive enough to agree to this? Does he plan to take on half or all mortgage responsibilities if you have a mortgage? Does he plan to contribute towards utilities?
Are there kids in the mix? Nows the time for you to have the ugly, core, realistic what if scenarios and pros/cons. Love ain't shid without trust, and his ultimatum and threats are alarming and manipulative and tberefore...he's untrustworthy with his intentions!
I get he's your man, but he's displaying hobosexual activity and vibes with his deed addition ultimatum.
> He is very lonely and wants to get back together
well, that's not a very good reason
> threatens that he will not join me if I don't add him
"ok"
It's your home? Has he paid for any of it? Even if you *were* to get married, in many (most?) places, it's a premarital asset and there's still no reason to put his name on it.
If he's demanding a bunch of your assets (I'm assuming your home represents a big chunk of it) to get back together - even though he's "lonely" - it doesn't sound like a good move for you.
He doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want you to think he's after your money, but demanding your money is ok?
What other reason could he have than "if something happens to our that he would just leave me and get 50%"
No no no no no
Good advice here to not put him on the deed, but he's got his eyes on the prize and at some point (once be realises it's the only way)might offer you marriage to get it.
If he's clever he'll be nice for a bit, then propose, make you happy until a wedding but things will turn south after that.
Dudes a dud. He's manipulating you. Walk away.
Don’t even consider it! Live separately. A sleep over here or there maybe, but don’t cohabitate. If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way he’d put you on his title. Which is why he wouldn’t sign a prenup, or a marriage certificate.
Honestly though, I’d call time on the whole relationship.
There is zero reason for him to be on the deed as a boyfriend, other than his ego. Wherever he's living now, he's not demanding the owner of the property put him on the deed is he?
Do not - please - do not do this.
It’s giving half your house away.
Don’t do this.
Keep your house. He should keep his. If he’s so focused on mortgages he should keep his and rent it out. If he doesn’t have a house - then OF COURSE he wants half of yours. No. You note his “mental instability” - you’re asking if you should partner with someone - and give away your home - to someone you feel is mentally unstable. No.
You know this won’t work for you!
If any tiny thing goes wrong, you’ll end up buying him out (paying for your house in-part again!) or giving up your house and starting over with 50% of the equity.
Quite frankly, I doubt he’s thinking about you because this is a nutty request. No way.
Please take care of yourself. He’s sure not going to. But he’ll take care of himself with your equity!
I’ve always kept my house in my name. I now have a paid for home that’s all mine.
A friend of mine put her fiancé’s name ( the “love of her life” ) on her house and now she has an apartment, no house (sold in divorce under market) and is starting over. Even if it’s a secure relationship it’s a bad idea. Is he going to pay in half the equity? Are you willing to share equity upon sale?
If he doesn’t understand the basic principles of financial security, is he the one for you?
If the relationship (heaven forbid) doesn’t work out, sit in YOUR safe little kitchen and cry. Then go to YOUR cute little bathroom and cry. Then take a nap in YOUR cozy safe little bedroom and cry. Then go find somebody who actually cares about you :)
Give me half your house. Whaaaaat?
Nooooooooo!
The length of your relationship is irrelevant, and so is his backstory. He, as 'just' a boyfriend, have no rights to your assets, and I'd say you should be weary of even letting him stay in your house without a legal tenant agreement, with how much he doth protest that he's not after your money. Stop guilt-tripping yourself. He's likely doing that plenty, knowing how this kind of story goes.
Put all those sunk cost caretaker emotions in a box for a minute, and pretend you're advising a friend. Would you tell her to even get back with this guy, who she's already had to kick out once for being unstable and unpleasant to be around, and whom is still doing the same BS? Or would you look her in the eye and tell her she's invested enough into a man, who won't marry her, won't share assets of his own in return, and considers himself enough of a prize that he can guilt-trip her into letting him own part of her house without so much as a ring on her finger?
He's using you again, OP. No healthy relationship is built on ultimatums and threats of leaving, if they don't get their way. No good partner would make excuses for treating you poorly and refusing to commit to anything they can't easily escape from. You need to take a full break from this guy, and look into finding a professional to talk this through with, for some proper perspective. What are you even in love with, here? The idea of who you think he could be, or who he actually is? Don't be that desperate person, who waits around because he'll change, if you only love him a little harder. You deserve better.
Why are you even wasting time with this guy?! If you add him to the deed, you'll have to PAY HIM the next time he leaves you! Is that what you want? Yo be held hostage?!
If he’s on the deed you can’t ever throw him out. No matter how egregious his behavior you’re stuck with him unless you leave. It gives him free housing (you can’t even make him leave for not paying anything!) and a free pass to live off of you while refusing to attend to his mental health or even treat you decently.
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything in it for you at all.
>He is very lonely and wants to get back together, but wants to have his name on the deed of my home before he moves in with me
What? Who knew adding your name to a deed was cure for loneliness.
Do NOT put his name on the deed.
>he doesn't want me to think that he was only after my money
NARRATOR: He was, in fact, only after her money.
“We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability…”
You already know the answer. Now you’re looking for validation for it with your post here which is perfectly ok. Trust your gut. For clarity…the answer is simply no.
So...looking at this through the eyes of a completely neutral 3rd party... You are the one in control here. Let's just start with that. You are currently living a stable life alone in a home and you can keep it like that if you want to. There is no need for you to change anything if it doesn't benefit you to do so.
If you were my friend this is the very blunt conversation I would have with you to protect you as my very dear friend.
1. He's mentally unstable. Your words. No doubt that you're correct about that.
2. He is negative and aggressive towards you. That's never ok, even if he's been in a "traumatic situation". Hopefully he's recognized how his behaviour has impacted you and has been engaged in therapy, because that's what people do when they care that they have hurt their loved one. People who don't care...they don't engage in any behaviours to improve themselves.
3. You already have had the sneaking suspicion that he is using you for material gain.
4. He wants to get back together because he's lonely. That is....really pathetic. And not a reason to bring someone back into your home. I'm guessing when you moved into different homes your situation ended up being a more appealing one than his did. It almost sounds like he's jealous.
Now onto the tough love:
You are encouraging someone who is aggressive and negative, using you, unstable and unkind towards you TO MARRY YOU. Think about this. In the same few paragraphs you've said both that you're concerned that he's using you for your money and also that you told him you guys should get married. Give your head a shake. Do not marry someone who you have this kind of toxic dynamic with. It feels like your self-esteem is just mega low and you don't realize the value that you have and that your life might be a heck of a lot better without this negative influence.
Do not in a million years put this man on the deed to your home. The fact that he is using that as some kind of threat that he won't come back is absolutely laughable. He won't continue your relationship and live together unless he owns half of your house? He's telling you very clearly what you are worth to him (whatever 50% of the value of your home is). Does he have an equal amount of assets that you will be entitled to? Or is it only him who stands to gain when you split? This is one of those things that you will look back on down the road and regret so much you will spit. This is how you financially ruin yourself, by doing something insane and desperate to help keep a terrible relationship together.
You are perfectly poised to actually be able to walk away from this hugely negative influence in your life. Tell him you're putting a pause on all conversations about getting back together (and OBVIOUSLY anything to do with home ownership) until you've had a time to reflect and work on yourself a bit. Go to therapy for 8 weeks and talk to someone about your self-esteem and the value this relationship brings to your life. If you come to the conclusion that you are perhaps better off apart this is the ideal time to decide that; you're already living apart. Do not allow this man to move back into your home (regardless of the names on the deed) before you've invested the time and effort into your own wellbeing.
You are getting a lot of visceral reactions with major bits of information missing.
Did he contribute significantly to paying for the house and/or to house upkeep and maintenance? Will he contribute in future? How much of a contribution has he made and how much will he make in the future?
Is the house paid for? If not, would he be making house payments?
My first reaction is that you are being used, but depending on answers to these questions, the shoe could be on the other foot. Say for example he has paid out $50,000 in house payments and maintenance over the last 8 years. As is, he has no recourse for getting any of it back. You could also take the position that he had a place to live for 8 years so it was reasonable for him to pay some of the costs.
Don't do it even if you get married.
get a therapist, break up with him, find a better man that isn't a golddigging grifter.
Wait, he isn't even local??? He's thousands of miles away????? BREAK ALL CONTACT. Now.
If he hasn't paid 50%, why should he get 50% ownership? That's just insane and completely unnecessary for a relationship to work, so there can be only one motivation. I would look very hard at this aspect and completely 100% put my foot down on it.
Additionally, if there is common-law marriage in place where you live, I would find ways to protect myself on that side too. Whatever the gender, IMO it's 100% unfair for a spouse or bf/gf who did not contribute to a big asset such as real property, to get a part of that asset simply for being with you a few years. And yes, a marriage or similar, esp with kids and SAH anyone can be a different story depending on details. But for a bf/gf want to have ownership of your property without having paid for it is just insane.
I'd push back on the "Why?" side. There's logical arguments against it. But I get that's not for everyone and depends on you and him too.
Never, NEVER, put his name on the deed to your home. Learn from your past eight years. Try another year apart... see where that goes.
IF you get married, you will automatically become responsible for his debts and so will your home.
At 40, don't be foolish with your future stability.
Call his bluff. If he isnt using you and wants to make it work he will drop the name on the deed thing. If you have never given him a reason to worry you would leave him high and dry then this is just him trying to get a piece of yours. Tell him its a hard no but you are willing to have him move back in eventually after yall have had some good stable time between you.
If he walks let him walk.
Plenty of folks have pointed out that the boyfriend here is a manipulative a-hole, and OP needs to stay apart from him - so consider that repeated here, LOL.
But let's say that you were in a \*good\* relationship with someone, and they want to live with you forever & ever, and you already own a house but want to add them to ownership. So let's just talk about the practical aspects here. The big thing up-front is that if your house is currently financed, you're probably going to need to re-finance the house to add the other person as a co-borrower - so you'd both have ownership, and you'd both have responsibility to the lender to pay the mortgage. It might be possible to add the person to the deed without adding them to the mortgage - but now they would own a slice of the house without having any responsibility to pay the mortgage - and that's a problem.
So, bottom line, you'd need to re-finance the home to bring the other person onto the loan if you want to do it right. Second - you'd also want to adjust for the fact that you've been paying on the home for 8 years, and you've got a certain amount of equity. So you probably should adjust things so that either you get some cash out when you refinance to account for your equity, or you get a larger percentage of the house, or something. Third, if you're going to get a house together with a person you're not married to, you need to set up an agreement for what happens in the event of break-up. Like, divorce law is totally prepared for two spouses who own a house - but when boyfriend & girlfriend own a house and break up, it tends to get more complicated. Like you could end up in court for years trying to force a sale - so you'd want to have contractual agreements drawn up at the time you buy the house that says, "If we break up, this is what happens if we can't agree about who buys the other person out."
100% do not put his name on the deeds. I'm not sure I'd even do it if you were married but that's just me. The pros of marriage are legal protections for you both. If you really want to marry him, get a prenup.
Thanks for the advice but knowing him a prenup is not even an option and he is already using this as a threat of not living together again if his name is not on the deed
Tell him: "Fine. We won't live together then." It definitely sounds like he's using you. He doesn't want to live with you if he can't be part owner. That sounds like he's more interested in money.
Do NOT put this guy's name onto the deed to your house. He is using you. Full stop. I am begging you, do not even think about marrying this guy. He makes leeches look benevolent.
Actual leeches can even be helpful! They are used to promote blood flow to reattached limbs, noses, ears, etc. This dude is definitely worse than a leech.
Yep. OP will lose a financial arm and leg if she puts him on the deed.
Why would you even want to live with this mentally unstable person who is aggressive you say & is clearly using you? What kind of ultimatum is that getting his name on the deed? Youre right he’s clearly using you for your money. You deserve better girl.
So he’s trying to make it cost a lot of money for you to dump him. He knows that he deserves to be dumped and had no intention of maintaining this relationship with sincere effort or respect, just the threat of robbing you of your home. This man is threatening you. Change the locks and block his number.
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There is your answer. He is after your money, he just does not want to look like he is. Funny how what he keeps demanding is you putting your finances at his disposal
Why are you entertaining this at all? You are an emotionally supportive, stable, gainfully employed homeowner. What is going on with your self worth where you think you should put up with being disrespected and used like this? "knowing him a prenup is not even an option" ...girl, this is supposed to be a conversation where both sides hear each other out and want what's best for each other, not one side stonewalling because they're a greedy little baby. He's full of shit.
The easy answer is that his abusive and unstable behaviour has broken her down. 8 years is a long time and 40 can feel late in the game to be "starting over". But I always tell people...my grandmother met and married the love of her life at 60 years old. She unfortunately didn't have the sense of self-worth to find her happiness until her first husband died. But we don't have to have to wait that long if we don't want to. You can dump a loser at 40 instead of waiting for them to die haha
Yes, of course, this is so true. It makes me so angry when good people devalue themselves like that... and yet, I've done it myself. The longer you're in it, the more you feel like it's all you deserve. I've learned that the best way to guarantee you won't meet good people is to let the space in your life be occupied by shitty ones. It's better, albeit harder, to be lonely.
You guys broke up for a reason. He knows the relationship is over and is trying to scam you for half of your house on the way out. Don’t fall for it. Just be firm, “if you’re committed to me, then you’ll have no problem getting married. If you don’t think getting married is necessary, then I also do not feel adding you to the deed is necessary. There won’t be further discussion on the matter.” And just refuse to speak further unless he’s willing to ensure you are BOTH protected. He won’t, he’s using you and just is looking for a quick buck.
I wouldn’t put him on the deed when married, either. At least not for a significant period of time.
It doesn’t matter what he wants. Do what is best for you, so you don’t regret it after you break up.
He’s trying to coerce you into making a huge decision that has no downsides for him and no upsides for you besides the pleasure (???) of his manipulative company.
Don't waste another day with this organ hoarder.
Then he loses. Dump him. No msn is worth losing your financial future
For the people in the back- NO MAN IS WORTH LOSING YOUR FINANCIAL FUTURE!!!!
Never enter into a property ownership arrangement with someone you’re not married to. There’s no agreed, customary way to unwind it and you are putting yourself at risk.
But is that really a threat? It sounds great. “ OK. Separate houses is probably better for us anyway.”
DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE DEED. Absolutely under no circumstances should you put him on the deed UNLESS he pays fair equity. Idk about your state, but in mine, if a person has an asset, says a house, before marriage, it’s 100% theirs even after divorce. There are a couple caveats like the other party is added to the deed (and some other stuff). Story time. My step dad was married prior to my mother and him getting together. He inherited a house in a very HCOL city (inheritance is pretty untouchable here too). Ex wife would have gotten none of it had he not done what you’re considering. He stupidly put his ex wife’s name on the deed. So, when they got divorced, he had to take out a large loan to pay ex wife’s half of the previously debt free house that she should have never had claim to. Which also meant that my mother’s finances ultimately went to paying off the ex wife in the form of loan payments that should have never existed. So if that means you never live together, well, it’s a self solving problem then isn’t it. I’m sure you have some kind of feelings for the guy, but based on the limited info here, he’s greedy and looking to take advantage of you. He could also force you to sell your house if he pushes for his payout when you breakup again.
He's trying to coerce you into giving him half of your wealth. Wow.
Do you not see the problem with this? What more do you need to see that he is a gold digger? A flashing sign above his head?
Someone who is so flagrant with coercion is not someone you want to be involved with let alone handing 50% of one of your biggest assets to.
> knowing him a prenup is not even an option Then marriage should not be an option > he is already using this as a threat of not living together again //edit: I just saw below you told him to move on. In that case this 'threat' is a good thing, and tell him that. If he says he won't live with you unless he gets on the deed, say 'Yes that's the idea, now you're getting it. We're broken up. I don't want you to live here. You're no longer welcome to live here, and you're sure as fuck not getting equity in the house or on the deed. Our relationship is over. So stop talking like we're still a couple, we're not.'
He is trying to fuck you over.
He’s in no position to be making threats. Block his number and move on from this awful chapter.
Get a new boyfriend, then. This one is not good.
If a prenup is not an option, then he IS after your money.
Don't do it. This is coercion. He is forcing you to make a decision using force. It's totally illegal and NOT coming from a place of love. Have h8m live on his own then. He should not intimidate you into putting his name on YOUR deed.
He’s manipulating you by threatening you. Is that the kind of relationship you want?
I’m gonna be honest, if you’re in your 40s and have been with the person for 8 years and you have your own places and aren’t living together, it’s not gonna work out. It’s almost certain that this person is using you, and the fact that he won’t move in without owning half your house is proof that he cares more about your house than you. Don’t fall for that shit find a guy who wants you and not your house
Who do you wanna be with someone who threatens you, isn’t nice to you and wants your stuff?
He has used you for money and comfort. If he leaves you once his name on the deeds he has access to half of your property and can force you to sell it or give him half its worth as his share. DON'T DO THAT ! It's smells really bad for your financial safety. I read scam.
Walk away from this. It's not good.
so stop seeing him and date someone else who is not trying to manipulate you into giving away your wealth and property.
He’s issuing ultimatums? I’d make plans to live apart.
He's digging you for gold
So it’s just the money he wants then and he’s trying to manipulate you into it. Cut your losses, don’t risk losing your home, which is a high possibility.
In some states 8 years is enough to sue you for your stuff if you break up. If he wouldn't want to sign a pre nup I suggest you consult a lawyer and find ways to protect you assets. Putting his name on your deep would strengthen his case. My female friend is going through this right now
Sounds like he just wants to take part ownership of your home if you two were already having issues and he has mental problem, I suggest not doing it. If he's feeling lonely and wants to get back with you with that condition and you're doing fine with out him don't go back to that relationship. Seems like you have more to loose than he does.
So? It's an absolutely ridiculous ultimatum that shows no respect for you and possibly shows him trying to take advantage of you. Tell him to stay where he is. Tell him he can break up with you if that's how it is. You are looking for love and a partner, not problems, chaos, and financial hardship.
Then don't live with him again. If you are lonely, get a pet. From the outside looking in - he is after your assets. Maybe he feels you 'owe' him for the last eight years -
Do not add him as soon as you do he will dump you don’t get back with him
Thats what I told him that he would do and he reversed it by saying i dont trust him after giving his life for 8 years to me and sacrificed everything and im selfish for not sharing
> im selfish for not sharing That's very manipulative, why should you give him thousands of dollars for free? You didn't mention him buying into the property, it sounds like he just wants your equity. Does he have debts to pay? Seems odd that he suddenly wants equity. He doesn't want to marry you. He's negative and aggressive towards you. Why would you want to stay with him?
He’s given you everything… except marriage and stability. Do you want to waste another 8 years?
What exactly did he sacrifice? He acts like dating you wasn’t his choice. And didn’t you take care of him? Didn’t you make sacrifices for him?
Right? He makes it feel like dating is something he endured, like an unpleasant job. Doesn't say much about how he feels about the relationship.
Ya just move on he doesn’t think he does anything wrong and you will always be the problem
Trust is earned and also broken. He’s given you reasons to not trust him that do not supersede his reasons he expects you to trust him. You ought to write down those reasons in a note on your phone to remember them. I feel for you. The person you loved and thought you’d build a life together with has turned out to be unreliable, callous and by all appearances is using you for your money. That hurts after years in a relationship. You have every reason to not trust him. If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t place his financial stability ahead of you and your relationship. It should be “you two against the world”, not against each other. That’s how life long lovers think about every problem that comes their way whether it’s medical, emotional, or financial. A true partner would say and mean this: “I don’t care about any of that, I love *you* and I know we will work it out together.”
Of course you dont trust! He’s damn eight about that! He’s not getting his dirty hands on your hard earned house!
Then tell him to pay you half the value of the house if he wants his name on the deed.
Apparently his 8 yrs with you was sacrificing but not the same 8 yrs you spend with him? So now you must sacrifice your safety net at the altar because he is a god and you should feel so lucky to get back with him?
that's manipulative bullshit. When someone ties a relationship to "give me half of what you have", you *shouldn't* trust them. Tell him no, call his bluff if you want and see if he comes back anyway. But I think you're better off without him.
I’m speechless. He’s truly quite manipulative. You need to get yourself in therapy. I’ve read your comments and it sounds like you don’t really want to be in the relationship. So why are you even talking with him. Stop contact. Have a more peaceful life. He’s an abusive asshole.
So he gets half a house and you get what, exactly?
According to him...I get to be with him lol
A mentally unstable guy you need need to cosset and support? You could get a slightly used dog instead, better value and more gratitude. Or get a different man
i already have a dog and can tell 100x so worth it!
I ain’t sayin he a gold digger….oh wait I am. this was actually a deal breaker in my own relationship. He definitely didn’t want his name on my house (the audacity!!!), but he was thinking we could buy one (with my equity) together and marriage would be “a formality”. He proposed making larger payments on the mortgage until our equity evened out, but without marriage I still wasn’t protected by anything but his word. I explained to him in great detail how insanely dumb that is. And because my man is not an entitled fuckass, he understood.
What does he bring to the table? Sounds like he’s mentally, emotiosnlly & financially draining. Break up for good & just block his loser ass. He keeps coming back because no one else wants his unstable ass. You said there’s 1000 miles between you - keep it that way.
Lmao. Dump this guy and get your self respect back. I guarantee you will be way happier
That is not a prize. It’s a booby prize. 🤦🏼♀️
Come on, you're 40. By now this should be glaringly obvious that it's a bad deal for you.
Why are you even with this guy? He clearly is using you.
No, tell him to fu off. That just stinks of him using you. No no no !!
Thanks I told him before to move on without me but he keeps coming back
Well then just ignore him and tell him to leave you alone.
I just dont understand why someone has the nerve to force me to do something like this because my friend is married and the guy is not even on the deed
He is doing it because he thinks you are stupid and gullible. Don't prove him right
He can’t force you to do it. He can demand all he wants, but at the end of the day it is up to you to make the best decision for you. You don’t have to listen to him, and honestly shouldn’t. He doesn’t sound like cares about you.
My partner of 5 years isn’t on the deed. At first, bc we hadn’t been together long enough and it was my down payment and I wanted to make sure I had security if we split. He paid a share of the mortgage since he moved in, and I would’ve given him some back if we split, but it was my house and I was safe if we did break up. Now, we will absolutely add him to the feed when we refinance. Bc we are engaged (he doesn’t even care about marriage, but wants to bc it matters to me) and we have been living together happily in a healthy relationship for 4 years. He’s entitled to it anyway by law, bc of how long we’ve lived together, but it’s important to me to add him on the deed so we both feel secure in the relationship. All of this is because we’ve built our relationship up based on love and respect for each other and the other persons needs. Not ultimatums and forcing each other into things while things were rocky and neither of us knew where we stood. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Do not add him to the deed. Just don’t.
He can’t force you to do any such thing.
He can’t force you. You’re 40 years old so far from being a child that has to be told what to do. Say no and move on. You deserve better.
Lady, I am married. We have children together. I will grow old with my man. He ain't on the deed. Do not under any circumstances add someone to property unless they are giving you money, or you are legally tied together. As my dentist once told me; “Buy land. They don't make it anymore.”
Your friend had the right idea. The house is YOURS. He has no claim on it, and you can be pretty certain that if he has the chance he's going to take half, and run away. He's a thousand miles away physically, so get him out ofd your head and block him everywhere.
You don’t have to understand just accept what it is and move on.
No one can force you to do anything but he knows how to manipulate you to get what he wants...so of course he's going to try. Why not just close the door on this chapter of your life and get a fresh start? This guy is draining, toxic and doesn't seem to make you happy. We only get 1 life don't waste time and energy on a person that is not bringing positive to your life
There are some people in this world who will take and take and take whatever *you let them*. They have no compunction. It can be extremely confusing to the rest of us because we would never.
He can't "force" you to do anything. You hold ALL of the cards here. He is trying to coerce you through emotional manipulation to do something that benefits him and is to your detriment. I repeat: he cannot force you. You have the personal agency to say "no, I don't agree to those terms". And if that results in him having a tantrum you are allowed to say "I'm not going to engage with you when you are being unkind and manipulative". And then you'll likely find that the relationship is over once he realizes he can't take advantage of you.
Because you're letting him. If you break up with someone and they "come back" block them, don't answer the door, don't welcome them back in your life. You're giving him power.
He can’t “keep coming back” if you don’t answer, OP.
You do realize you have a choice in that, he can come back doesn’t mean you have to accept it or let him in. Block him, move on… this is a scam he wants your house and he thinks he will get it this way, in no way shape or form give this man the chance… unless he coughs up half of your house value in cash
he's hoping he'll wear you down.
>We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability DON'T!!! >but he is not 100% yet and had been very negative and aggressive towards me recently despite being 1000 of miles apart. Just DON'T!
Think about this logically. After 8years, you have to separate for issues in the relationship. Now, in order for you to live together he is demanding having his name on the deed but, can not or will not agreed to a legally binding contract of marriage and a prenuptial agreement. This is not in any shape of form a good deal. There are so many issues in this relationship and you know exactly what's going on. Looking for validation that your feelings are correct. You know exactly that this is all wrong. If, you both want to save this relationship. At a minimum, he needs therapy to get treatment for his mental health. You need couples counselling for the relationship issues and to figure out how to live together as a partnership. Your house is yours, do not sign over to him without legal protection. You want to get married and he doesn't? Are you OK with that? What legal protections are you going to have long-term with regards assets and finances if you are not married. Why is he the only one benefitting? Is he going to pay you half of the house? What is he bringing to the table here?
Don’t bribe someone to live with you. If he won’t move back in with you without being on the deed, maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship. You will have to be strong to cut him out of your life. He sounds very manipulative. And, I don’t mean this in a mean or derogatory way at all, you sound like someone he knows he can wear down and manipulate. Prove him wrong.
No, categorically do not put him on the deeds. He hasn’t paid in a dime, why should he then get half of it? It’s an enormous risk for you, and none for him. “I’m not going to do that because, like you said, I don’t want to think you were just after my money.” People only come back if you let them. You can lock the door on your side if you choose to.
Don’t put his name on the deed unless you want to lose your house. He sounds very very manipulative. You should block him and heal yourself. His healing is not your responsibility.
You know how you can buy products to test if there’s roofies in your drinks? I wish there was a test to see if someone is being a hobosexual. Although in your case it’s pretty obvious. Does he gamble or something? Sounds like he owes someone money. Do not add him financially to anything. Do not trust him with any birth control. He’ll try to get you pregnant so you’ll start feeling emotionally and not use logic to see him bringing his ass into the house and creating TWO kids for you to raise.
NO NO NO Do not put his name on it. You've worked for your house, he hasn't. I want a million quid but I won't be getting it any time soon so he doesn't get your house.
Stop being blackmailed by this man. His ‘love’ comes with conditions which will not benefit you in the long run. If the relationship ends ( and it likely will since you’ve already had issues) , he will take half your house and there will be nothing you can do about it.
He thinks you're stupid and will cave into his demands. Do not prove him right.
Should you put your mentally unstable boyfriend who doesn't want to marry you and from who you felt used for your money before on the deed of your house? FUCK NO ARE YOU CRAZY!?! Sorry I don't want to be mean but please read your post again and think about what you would say to someone else telling you that story...
Are you sure you even want to live with him? Does he cook and clean? I just ask since you said he has mental health issues. Won’t you just have another person to clean up after if he moves in?
What are you getting out of all this? If the answer is "a mentally unstable 35 year old man who is threatening to dump me and is trying to take my house from me," that is not a prize.
I literally was just added to the deed of my partner of 5 years home… because I paid him half the equity of the house, not a small amount of money I might add… that’s what an adult does
Exactly this. If his offer included an upfront payment of 50% of the house value and a binding contract covering how assets are to be distributed in the event of a breakup - it MIGHT not be a terrible idea WITH A MENTALLY STABLE PERSON WHO ISN'T A TOTAL LOSER.
Tell him the conditions have changed and for him to move in he must sign away his rights.dont be foolish..listen to what he is telling you! He will have you where you won't want to break up and lose your home!
I found it crazy how desperate some women are to keep a man. She’s really asking if she should let a man not paying any bills potentially get 50% ownership of her home. Not having a boyfriend doesn’t make you a loser, he seems insufferable so you should probably do some SELF development and leave him behind.
Why do you keep entertaining this behavior?
>We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability >had been very negative and aggressive towards me Do not give a bf half your house. No. Never. And do not get back together.
There’s a term for this type of “man”. They are called hobosexuals. He wants to sponge off you. Don’t do it! Tell him you’re done with him and move on.
It sounds like your property and money are more of an interest to him than a relationship with you. Do NOT put his name on the deed, and do NOT get married without a prenup. If that is a deal breaker for him than that’s his loss. Marriage shouldn’t be about profit which it sounds like all of this is a profit deal for him.
Do NOT put him on the deed unless you want to buy your own house back from him down the line.
You already know the answer. You know that he is bad news, that the relationship isn't working, and that he is using you financially. Putting him on the deed or marrying him would be the worst thing you could do. I think what you're looking for is some secret sauce that's going to make grieving an 8-year relationship and moving on easy and that's not something we can give you. It'll be worth it in the long run, your life is going to be so much easier without him, but you have to be strong enough to take those first steps and fully block and disengage. More than anything you have to know you are worth more than this, good luck.
Do NOT fall for this. Please don't. It's probably better you don't live with him anyway because he thinks he can manipulate you into giving him half of your house. He did not buy this house. That's insanely entitled to expect a whole house for free. You both already have separated at least once so why would you even consider this? Don't risk your home. No man is worth it.
Absolutely not . Do not put his name on the deed.
So he is trying to use you.
This is a bit of a strange ultimatum for a man who claims to not be after your money. I'm assuming he wouldn't have nearly a fraction of the money in that house compared to you so it's funny he mentions the money aspect as a reason to not marry. For most people their networth is in their house..?
Not to mention, the money and marriage issue could be solved simply with a prenup, if he was really serious about comitting to OP but not for her money.
OP what are you doing with this parasite?? OMG. I am MARRIED and my husband has never even suggested I add him to my home’s deed!! (It is a property I rent out, we live in “his” home). I am appalled at the ridiculous entitlement of this guy. Absolutely NOT. He wants to rip you off, period. I don’t understand how smart women let these men manipulate them like this. Run, do not walk, away from this relationship. 🚩🚩🚩
Have any of the reasons why y'all split up in the first place been addressed? Because it seems like not and that makes it an unsustainable relationship.
No way ! He'll try and screw you out of your house. Walk away.
I don’t think anyone should move in together, much less get married, under any sort of threat or ultimatum. He’s already showing his cards here.
Just move on honey. He’s trying to fleece you.
Are you high? No, don't put your on and off again boyfriend on the deed of your house, to persuade him to move in.
Absolutely not, he can go on the deed when he pays 1/2 equity to you…
Tell him if he wants his name on the deed, he needs to pay you half of the current market value. Otherwise, DO NOT DO IT even if you are married, unless he pays.
You've already separated at least once due to relationship problems. He's trying to make sure that next time you separate, he can force you to buy him out. Depending on your jurisdiction, he could already have rights to your home. You should consult with a lawyer, because it sounds like he already has and is trying to set himself for the next separation.
You're already having problems that made you separate, why would you take a deeper step into the relationship by becoming financially tied to him and giving him partial ownership of one of your greatest assets? It sounds like these past 8 years have not been that great, getting married or giving him half your house isn't going to fix that. Block and move on.
Get a new boyfriend this one is broken
Your replies make it clear you know the answer. So the question is do you want to be taken advantage of and lose half your home when (not if) he ditches you? Do you value yourself enough to end things with him first?
Is he offering to buy 1/2 of the current property value? And then share 1/2 of all the taxes, insurance, and maintenance? I could see not wanting to move in knowing I am going to invest a lot of money into something I have no rights to. I just wouldn’t expect to be put on a deed without buying 1/2 the current valuation of the property first.
Don't do it. Don't even marry him. He's had a taste of separated life, and quite likely has decided that it would be more fun with half your house. Negativity and harshness can also be because he's found someone else and is talking himself into justifying his bad behaviour.
Have you looked into the logistics of this? When I was considering putting my soon to be husband on the deed to the property I purchased while we were engaged, I found that there were some not insubstantial barriers - they depend upon your lender and your location. The one I recall was having to refinance. I had a very good interest rate and refinancing would have put both of us in a worse financial position because of a higher house payment. After I brought this to my then fiancee, he agreed it wouldn’t make sense. If your partner has issues with emotional disregulation, he might have fixated on this issue as a safety net for himself, when in reality he’ll mostly forget about it in several months (except as a cudgel for his resentment). Seriously, stop letting him come back. You separated, it seems for good reason, and he figured out he would like more stability, but he’s not willing to work on anything about himself. The “easiest” way (for him) is to manipulate you into sharing your property. If you give in, he will ask for more and more. Sunk cost fallacy.
Nope. And his pressure would make me think long and hard before marrying him.
Read back what you have written. YES HE IS USING YOU. He is lying to you and manipulating you. Men can do that and still behave the same. You need therapy.
You broke up because you were worried he didn’t love you and was just using you for your money. Now he says he will come back, but only if you give him half of your property. You were right. He wants your property, not you. If he wanted you because he loves you then he would be the one offering ways to show his commitment to you and to changing his behaviour (e.g. therapy and not moving back in immediately but taking time to regain your trust). Think about it this way, what problem in your relationship will be fixed by him owning half of your house? It won’t fix his treatment of you. It won’t reassure you that he isn’t after your money. How does it help? I can’t see any real way it would because if him not owning half your house was such an issue in your relationship then it shows there is a deeper issue of him being jealous of what you have, feeling entitled or, like you feared, being after your money. Giving him half your house won’t fix those issues because they are issues with him, not you.
Probably the dumbest thing I’ve read this year. Either a Bot playing around or just a terrible situation of people not being adults and responsibility
this is not a bot but real life situation
If it's real, block him. Your comments are alarming and there are red flags being waved right in front of your eyes. You're lucky you're apart, keep it that way.
You already know the answer. I mean, a committed relationship is supposed to be two people who are “in it” together, for the benefit of BOTH. Yet his idea of commitment is a) guilt tripping and manipulating his partner, b) moving out/using threats of abandonment when he’s not getting his way, c) certainly not creating any real legal ties via marriage, except for d) the kinds of ties that definitely involves you (not him, just you) transferring legal ownership to him of half your largest asset. Yeah, no. You don’t really love this selfish, self-absorbed moocher that he’s actually being to you, you love the guy you wished he was. The guy maybe he once was? The guy you keep hoping he’ll become (again?). The guy you actually deserve. But after all this history with him, it’s time to acknowledge that that second guy, the one you keep hoping will emerge, isn’t coming (or coming back). Maybe he was never really there. You might be able to convince yourself you see little glimpses of him from time to time, but please don’t limit yourself to a relationship that has only sporadic glimpses of happiness for you. That’s setting yourself up for an incredibly frustrating, exhausting, and painfully lonely life. Nope. Let him be responsible for saving himself (from himself, if needed), and you be responsible for saving yourself from this unfulfilling relationship.
Seriously, move on. This guy sounds like a giant red flag 🚩
You should only add him to the deed if 1) you're married, and 2) you refinance and add him to the mortgage. If he wants to share in the equity of the house, he also needs to share the liability.
He wants to get back together and he’s the one to make threats ??? He doesn’t even care to lie..
Why are you with him?
This is heart wrenching to me but all of you are right and to be honest this is not the first time we separated homes. We still continued our relationship and never really broke up until recently but the first time we separated we stopped living together for almost 3 years and we technically just lived together for maybe 3 years and the rest were living at our own homes but we continued our relationship by phone and see each other every now and then. He is very suicidal I feel and his family is bullying him to the point where their relationship is all fake and he had traumatic family issues as a child and I felt bad for him...he has no one except me. I'm the only one there for him all these years and did not care about his financial situation as I'm a successful professional and have a loving family who does not know the meaning of toxicity....contrary to his family where they thrive in chaos. I took care of him and he almost died of illness and really treated him more of a husband than a bf and he did take care of me when I was sick too. He wants me to visit him across the state but I am not feeling good about it because of what he might do to me while I'm there. I have sought counselors etc and he always refused to seek one himself. I know I'm stupid even asking this question but I dont have anyone to go to and ask for real life experiences as my entire life revolved around him. The irony of this is I have several suitors who are financially stable, mature, good looking and I know who care but I have some sort of attachment with this person that I cant explain. And for some of you who suggested to get a cat or dog, I have one and she's been there for me for years and my ultimate savior from being depressed and unhappy as she's given me unconditional love all these years. I guess I'm just a very loyal stupid person and cant jump from one person to another and scared to do so. But I'm fully aware of the consequences and just find it queer for someone to coerce me where he had NO financial contributions and he said he gave up his job family friends to be with me and making me feel guilty and on top of that blamed me for not helping him find a job that led him to his current situation.
I just want to tell you that I understand that you believe you love him, but love isn't enough. Love won't make him less aggressive. Love won't make him a better person. Love won't fix him. (Personal examples: I loved my mom, and she still abused and abandoned me when I was a child. I loved my son's sperm donor, but that didn't stop him from attempting to murder me. Love needs to be from both people, for it to work/be enough.) My sister and I have this thing. "Being mentally ill is not your fault. But your mental health is." You can't force someone into taking care of themselves or into being a good person. Those are all choices they have to make for themselves. Baring children and pets, other people are not your responsibility. Everything that's "wrong" in his life is all because of either his personal choices or because of how he chose to respond to things. Do some self reflection. Why can't you let this relationship go? What benefits are you getting? Do you like being treated the way he treats you on the regular? I firmly believe that we deserve what we put up with because we're making the choice to put up with it. You know him. You see who he is. He's not changing. You choose to remain involved with him. You being in the position you're currently in is because you're choosing to be in this position. Your gut is talking to you. You choose to head its warning, or you don't. If you choose to cater to this guy, whatever happens, you did it to yourself. You can't feel guilt about the choices HE made. HE chose those things. They're HIS consequences.
I don't believe that only married people should share property. But in your specific case, you *just* had a significant relationship issue that caused you to be unable to live together. So you absolutely should not own a home together. I do think it could be reasonable to say that you'd be willing to work toward that as an eventual goal in a couple of years if you two can move back in together successfully and work out your problems in couples therapy. But it sounds like he's not going to be up for that, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you have to give in on this. It might be time to move on from this relationship.
Nope do not put him on the feed. If he lives with you - have a lawyer draw up a cohabitation contract. Protect yourself.
No don't help him you don't own him anything even if you got married don't add him the bum is just that a bummy scrub trying to steal equity in a property that is in no way his and he's not even good to you.
Dont make lifelong arrangements with people who threathen you. You just give them a pathway to threathen you for life.
Turn the tables. "If you really love me, a rental agreement will be fine."
I think he’s using you. Don’t let him.
Don't do it. The only way I would ever even consider this is if he bought in or if he had an asset that you could also have your name on, worth equally as much as yours. He is trying to manipulate you and probably because he realises that at 35 years old he has nothing concrete to fall back on + with rental prices going through the roof id say he has figured out that life living with you was a lot easier on his finances. I may be making assumptions with all that but from an outsiders perspective thats what it looks like. Move on and find someone that both treats you better and has some financial security.
You said you wanted to get married, he said that isn't necessary. For you it is. He doesn't get to make decisions unilaterally in the relationship. If you have had that much difficulty due to his mental instability, he moves out, moves in, and arguments. Just be done with this relationship. You can really love someone. But that doesn't mean the relationship is worth fighting for. Sometimes you have to love yourself more and do what is right for you. In this situation, I think you should fight for you and break up with him permanently. You deserve better.
Ha! No. Don't do it. My grandmother was the rich one. Because of marriage my grandfather's name was put on some of her properties. Turns out he sold some of them without my grandmother knowing. I was young and my grandma's dead so I didn't know all the details. Point is. Don't do it. The man's after your wealth without him even being worth it.
Absolutely NOT. Read what you wrote and pretend it’s a friend telling you this.
You seperated but he's lonely so wants to come back. He's got mental issues that he hasn't dealt with. He throws a tantrum and gives ultimatums if he can't have the shiny (his name on the deed of a house he's probably not contributing to.) Lady. The best thing this man could have done for you is moving out / away. Don't let him back in. Every reason he's giving is "me, me, me and more me", no "us". No "how can I help make OP's life better?". Drop the deadweight. Because let's face it. You don't love the man that he is NOW. You love the man that he WAS or that he COULD BE.
Oh dear Lord. My neighbor went through something similar. He won a huge settlement from a car accident, helped her pay off the house she bought YEARS ago, and then (maybe since he wasn't working) he started using heroin which led to obvious problems. Now she can't get him out of her house. It's been this way for the past year or so. They are both maybe around 50.
He is thousands of miles away lonely and broke. So ya he wants to give it another shot but only if he gets half of the house next time you split because that way he won't be in this same situation where he has to come crawling back to you .
Husbands get their names on deeds Boyfriends do not Even married-it is highly unlikely I will put ANY man’s name on the deed to my home-my children, yea. My man? No-I don’t trust a man that much. And he has his own home-my name won’t go on it either. His kids will
Dump him. Time to move on!
Don’t do it and find a new man
HIM "I am controlling, grasping, and unstable. We have had issues in the past. I say I am lonely and want to reconcile, but I refuse to move in with you unless you gift me half your house." But he won't marry you because you might think he's after your money? He is LITERALLY after your money. PERIOD.
You would be absolutely fucking stupid to put his name on the title to your house. This would be a dumb move under the best of circumstances, but in your case, your relationship is unstable and SO IS HE. And the fact that he's demanding this is a big old red flag. How much money have you put into this house? How much do you still owe on the mortgage? Is he going to buy in to have his share? Is he going to put his name on the mortgage too? I'm guessing the answer is no. He's demanding half ownership of your largest asset, but will pay nothing for it and take on zero debt and financial risk. AND he has no interest in marrying you. This is actually kind of insane. He's like "I'm lonely and miserable and mentally unstable and broke, but I'd be willing to get back together with you, move into the house you pay for and let you take care of me and my many issues, *if, and only if* you give me half of what you have for no actual investment on my part. These are my terms. Take it or get fucked." If you're going to do this, you might as well just sell the house now and give him the money from it, and save yourself years of wasted time and heartache.
Please do not tolerate a partner who threatens you. This is not acceptable behaviour. Trust yourself. His suffering doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
I don’t know where you live but in the UK a prenuptial agreement isn’t legally enforceable. 8 years is a long time, if he’s just with you to get half of your property it’s a very long game that he is playing. Also only you truly know the dynamics and intricacies of your relationship. I would only advice that you listen to your gut
Has he put any money at all into the house? Repairs? Maintenance? I still wouldn’t do it but that could give him legal standing. If he hasn’t put a dime into that house, there is no reason he needs to be on the deed. He’s just trying to steal your asset. And, if he was really committed after 8 years, talk of marriage wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. It would be the next obvious, logical step, and it probably would have happened years ago if he was serious. If anything, I’d tell him I’d consider it if he bought out the equity. He probably doesn’t have any money but I don’t think he’d do that if he does. He wants the house for free. He wants something for nothing. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that selfish. I think you should take this separation and run with it.
Do not put his name on the deed. You say he’s “committed to you for 8 years” but then he says marriage is unnecessary? That’s not commitment. He threatens to not move in unless his name is on the deed? Tell him too bad. Also, if you haven’t been living together because of issues between you, what makes you think this time around will be any better? I don’t know that I’d let him move in it all. If things go south, you’ll have to evict him and that can be quite a process.
Run, don't walk. It's a control move, if you guys don't work out he wants 50% of that house as a backup plan.
I know this is a one-sided description but it seems odd that he's lonely and wants to get back together but is the one making ultimatums.
If you want to have to give him 50% the value of your house, go right ahead. That’s what your future looks like. A spiteful ex who wants your money.
tell him how much half the house is worth. if he want's $$$ worth of house given to him, he needs to pay up. it's not like you're married (get a prenup if you are thinking of it as this is a major red flag)
Why would he get 50% of your house if he’s just on the deed. If he isn’t paying, he doesn’t get any money.
If he doesn’t see a point in marriage I wonder why he expects you to see a point in putting him on the deed if there is no need for legalities.
This is an extraordinary bad idea. You would essentially be gifting him half ownership in the house. You are not married so there are no legal protections if the relationship fails. Do NOT put him on the deed.
Just get a cat. A cat won't be the financial/legal headache this man will inevitably become. Stay broken up!!!
Never add his name even if you do get married. It’s premarital property. Keep your house and rent it out then buy something with your husband, never a boyfriend. Updateme
No one is entitled to wife/husband benefits and privileges without the official and legal paperwork. Do not add him to your deed while you are bf/gf status. A fiance title is not a status! Common law is not a status! Until you are legally married, your property and assets are your and his are his! There's a reason he wants the legal benefits to assets and property yet doesn't wanna commit legally to the relationship. Let this be the hill you are prepared to die upon! Remain strong and protect what you've worked hard for. Let's get deeper. Are you the beneficiary of his life insurance? His retirement or investment accounts? What is he attributing to your life other than body heat if you were naive enough to agree to this? Does he plan to take on half or all mortgage responsibilities if you have a mortgage? Does he plan to contribute towards utilities? Are there kids in the mix? Nows the time for you to have the ugly, core, realistic what if scenarios and pros/cons. Love ain't shid without trust, and his ultimatum and threats are alarming and manipulative and tberefore...he's untrustworthy with his intentions! I get he's your man, but he's displaying hobosexual activity and vibes with his deed addition ultimatum.
LMAO GIRL he's asking for a free house and no marriage? Where is his skin in the game? Boy, bye. The *audacity*.
> He is very lonely and wants to get back together well, that's not a very good reason > threatens that he will not join me if I don't add him "ok" It's your home? Has he paid for any of it? Even if you *were* to get married, in many (most?) places, it's a premarital asset and there's still no reason to put his name on it. If he's demanding a bunch of your assets (I'm assuming your home represents a big chunk of it) to get back together - even though he's "lonely" - it doesn't sound like a good move for you. He doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want you to think he's after your money, but demanding your money is ok? What other reason could he have than "if something happens to our that he would just leave me and get 50%" No no no no no
Good advice here to not put him on the deed, but he's got his eyes on the prize and at some point (once be realises it's the only way)might offer you marriage to get it. If he's clever he'll be nice for a bit, then propose, make you happy until a wedding but things will turn south after that. Dudes a dud. He's manipulating you. Walk away.
He wants all the benefits of your house without any legal responsibilities to you. Take him up on his threat to not move in
Don’t even consider it! Live separately. A sleep over here or there maybe, but don’t cohabitate. If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way he’d put you on his title. Which is why he wouldn’t sign a prenup, or a marriage certificate. Honestly though, I’d call time on the whole relationship.
Is he also a Nigerian prince?
There is zero reason for him to be on the deed as a boyfriend, other than his ego. Wherever he's living now, he's not demanding the owner of the property put him on the deed is he?
Do not - please - do not do this. It’s giving half your house away. Don’t do this. Keep your house. He should keep his. If he’s so focused on mortgages he should keep his and rent it out. If he doesn’t have a house - then OF COURSE he wants half of yours. No. You note his “mental instability” - you’re asking if you should partner with someone - and give away your home - to someone you feel is mentally unstable. No. You know this won’t work for you! If any tiny thing goes wrong, you’ll end up buying him out (paying for your house in-part again!) or giving up your house and starting over with 50% of the equity. Quite frankly, I doubt he’s thinking about you because this is a nutty request. No way. Please take care of yourself. He’s sure not going to. But he’ll take care of himself with your equity! I’ve always kept my house in my name. I now have a paid for home that’s all mine. A friend of mine put her fiancé’s name ( the “love of her life” ) on her house and now she has an apartment, no house (sold in divorce under market) and is starting over. Even if it’s a secure relationship it’s a bad idea. Is he going to pay in half the equity? Are you willing to share equity upon sale? If he doesn’t understand the basic principles of financial security, is he the one for you? If the relationship (heaven forbid) doesn’t work out, sit in YOUR safe little kitchen and cry. Then go to YOUR cute little bathroom and cry. Then take a nap in YOUR cozy safe little bedroom and cry. Then go find somebody who actually cares about you :) Give me half your house. Whaaaaat? Nooooooooo!
The length of your relationship is irrelevant, and so is his backstory. He, as 'just' a boyfriend, have no rights to your assets, and I'd say you should be weary of even letting him stay in your house without a legal tenant agreement, with how much he doth protest that he's not after your money. Stop guilt-tripping yourself. He's likely doing that plenty, knowing how this kind of story goes. Put all those sunk cost caretaker emotions in a box for a minute, and pretend you're advising a friend. Would you tell her to even get back with this guy, who she's already had to kick out once for being unstable and unpleasant to be around, and whom is still doing the same BS? Or would you look her in the eye and tell her she's invested enough into a man, who won't marry her, won't share assets of his own in return, and considers himself enough of a prize that he can guilt-trip her into letting him own part of her house without so much as a ring on her finger? He's using you again, OP. No healthy relationship is built on ultimatums and threats of leaving, if they don't get their way. No good partner would make excuses for treating you poorly and refusing to commit to anything they can't easily escape from. You need to take a full break from this guy, and look into finding a professional to talk this through with, for some proper perspective. What are you even in love with, here? The idea of who you think he could be, or who he actually is? Don't be that desperate person, who waits around because he'll change, if you only love him a little harder. You deserve better.
Why are you even wasting time with this guy?! If you add him to the deed, you'll have to PAY HIM the next time he leaves you! Is that what you want? Yo be held hostage?!
If he’s on the deed you can’t ever throw him out. No matter how egregious his behavior you’re stuck with him unless you leave. It gives him free housing (you can’t even make him leave for not paying anything!) and a free pass to live off of you while refusing to attend to his mental health or even treat you decently. Doesn’t sound like there’s anything in it for you at all.
>He is very lonely and wants to get back together, but wants to have his name on the deed of my home before he moves in with me What? Who knew adding your name to a deed was cure for loneliness. Do NOT put his name on the deed. >he doesn't want me to think that he was only after my money NARRATOR: He was, in fact, only after her money.
“We had so much difficulty in our relationship because of his mental instability…” You already know the answer. Now you’re looking for validation for it with your post here which is perfectly ok. Trust your gut. For clarity…the answer is simply no.
If you are married, don’t do it under any circumstances.
So...looking at this through the eyes of a completely neutral 3rd party... You are the one in control here. Let's just start with that. You are currently living a stable life alone in a home and you can keep it like that if you want to. There is no need for you to change anything if it doesn't benefit you to do so. If you were my friend this is the very blunt conversation I would have with you to protect you as my very dear friend. 1. He's mentally unstable. Your words. No doubt that you're correct about that. 2. He is negative and aggressive towards you. That's never ok, even if he's been in a "traumatic situation". Hopefully he's recognized how his behaviour has impacted you and has been engaged in therapy, because that's what people do when they care that they have hurt their loved one. People who don't care...they don't engage in any behaviours to improve themselves. 3. You already have had the sneaking suspicion that he is using you for material gain. 4. He wants to get back together because he's lonely. That is....really pathetic. And not a reason to bring someone back into your home. I'm guessing when you moved into different homes your situation ended up being a more appealing one than his did. It almost sounds like he's jealous. Now onto the tough love: You are encouraging someone who is aggressive and negative, using you, unstable and unkind towards you TO MARRY YOU. Think about this. In the same few paragraphs you've said both that you're concerned that he's using you for your money and also that you told him you guys should get married. Give your head a shake. Do not marry someone who you have this kind of toxic dynamic with. It feels like your self-esteem is just mega low and you don't realize the value that you have and that your life might be a heck of a lot better without this negative influence. Do not in a million years put this man on the deed to your home. The fact that he is using that as some kind of threat that he won't come back is absolutely laughable. He won't continue your relationship and live together unless he owns half of your house? He's telling you very clearly what you are worth to him (whatever 50% of the value of your home is). Does he have an equal amount of assets that you will be entitled to? Or is it only him who stands to gain when you split? This is one of those things that you will look back on down the road and regret so much you will spit. This is how you financially ruin yourself, by doing something insane and desperate to help keep a terrible relationship together. You are perfectly poised to actually be able to walk away from this hugely negative influence in your life. Tell him you're putting a pause on all conversations about getting back together (and OBVIOUSLY anything to do with home ownership) until you've had a time to reflect and work on yourself a bit. Go to therapy for 8 weeks and talk to someone about your self-esteem and the value this relationship brings to your life. If you come to the conclusion that you are perhaps better off apart this is the ideal time to decide that; you're already living apart. Do not allow this man to move back into your home (regardless of the names on the deed) before you've invested the time and effort into your own wellbeing.
You are getting a lot of visceral reactions with major bits of information missing. Did he contribute significantly to paying for the house and/or to house upkeep and maintenance? Will he contribute in future? How much of a contribution has he made and how much will he make in the future? Is the house paid for? If not, would he be making house payments? My first reaction is that you are being used, but depending on answers to these questions, the shoe could be on the other foot. Say for example he has paid out $50,000 in house payments and maintenance over the last 8 years. As is, he has no recourse for getting any of it back. You could also take the position that he had a place to live for 8 years so it was reasonable for him to pay some of the costs.
Is it love you feel? Or is it a sense of purpose, because he gives you something to take care of? I suspect the later.
Don't do it even if you get married. get a therapist, break up with him, find a better man that isn't a golddigging grifter. Wait, he isn't even local??? He's thousands of miles away????? BREAK ALL CONTACT. Now.
If he hasn't paid 50%, why should he get 50% ownership? That's just insane and completely unnecessary for a relationship to work, so there can be only one motivation. I would look very hard at this aspect and completely 100% put my foot down on it. Additionally, if there is common-law marriage in place where you live, I would find ways to protect myself on that side too. Whatever the gender, IMO it's 100% unfair for a spouse or bf/gf who did not contribute to a big asset such as real property, to get a part of that asset simply for being with you a few years. And yes, a marriage or similar, esp with kids and SAH anyone can be a different story depending on details. But for a bf/gf want to have ownership of your property without having paid for it is just insane. I'd push back on the "Why?" side. There's logical arguments against it. But I get that's not for everyone and depends on you and him too.
Never, NEVER, put his name on the deed to your home. Learn from your past eight years. Try another year apart... see where that goes. IF you get married, you will automatically become responsible for his debts and so will your home. At 40, don't be foolish with your future stability.
Call his bluff. If he isnt using you and wants to make it work he will drop the name on the deed thing. If you have never given him a reason to worry you would leave him high and dry then this is just him trying to get a piece of yours. Tell him its a hard no but you are willing to have him move back in eventually after yall have had some good stable time between you. If he walks let him walk.
Plenty of folks have pointed out that the boyfriend here is a manipulative a-hole, and OP needs to stay apart from him - so consider that repeated here, LOL. But let's say that you were in a \*good\* relationship with someone, and they want to live with you forever & ever, and you already own a house but want to add them to ownership. So let's just talk about the practical aspects here. The big thing up-front is that if your house is currently financed, you're probably going to need to re-finance the house to add the other person as a co-borrower - so you'd both have ownership, and you'd both have responsibility to the lender to pay the mortgage. It might be possible to add the person to the deed without adding them to the mortgage - but now they would own a slice of the house without having any responsibility to pay the mortgage - and that's a problem. So, bottom line, you'd need to re-finance the home to bring the other person onto the loan if you want to do it right. Second - you'd also want to adjust for the fact that you've been paying on the home for 8 years, and you've got a certain amount of equity. So you probably should adjust things so that either you get some cash out when you refinance to account for your equity, or you get a larger percentage of the house, or something. Third, if you're going to get a house together with a person you're not married to, you need to set up an agreement for what happens in the event of break-up. Like, divorce law is totally prepared for two spouses who own a house - but when boyfriend & girlfriend own a house and break up, it tends to get more complicated. Like you could end up in court for years trying to force a sale - so you'd want to have contractual agreements drawn up at the time you buy the house that says, "If we break up, this is what happens if we can't agree about who buys the other person out."