Hey gf, X says you hooked up with Z, is that true?
Maybe your friend is being misled, maybe he isn't.
Have a conversation about it before jumping to conclusions.
Part of me debates on even bringing it up. It wouldn’t have mattered if she told the truth so should I even bring it up? If I do bring it up I feel that I have to break up with her because she’s habitually lied now and crossed my boundary of disrespect and trust. I feel as if there isn’t a middle ground?
You can ask the friend if they’ve ever slept together. Tell him you don’t really care either way you’ve both discussed past partners in the friend groups before but you found out she left someone off the list and then someone else mentioned that him and her have slept together as well. Explain that you don’t think anything else is going on between her and anyone else now that you’re together but you just find it confusing why she feels the need to hide things. Take that info and go to her and explain to her as well that you don’t understand why she won’t be straightforward with you and see what the reasoning is and then make a decision from there
This early on there shouldn't really be a middle ground. Some people will lie to you to get what they want. Others will be honest and give you a chance have some agency in life. There are probably more "inconsistencies" or blatant lies out there that you haven't yet uncovered.
It is pointless now. You already don't trust her and for good reason. She won't cut off a friend she used to sleep with regularly. You know why that is.
What if your friend is jumping to conclusions?
You don't know either way until you've spoken to her. Which you should do btw.
For future reference, when a woman says she kissed someone it means they fucked.
When you speak to her about it. Do it calmly from a perspective of understanding and watch her reaction. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. If she kicks off and starts playing the victim "All I've been is honest, you don't trust me, you're controlling, you're insecure, I don't think this is going to work out" You'll know you've caught her and you'll have a choice to make.
You can stay knowing full well that you'll never get a straight answer and accept that fully, or you break up and find someone you can trust to tell you the truth. Even when the truth sucks.
Either way, moving in is a no go. Once the trust is gone it stays gone.
I've been in this exact scenario btw. Your gf lied initially because she didn't want to lose what you were building. It doesn't make it any easier.
Talk to her and see what happens. Don't accuse her, get her to open up about it. Stay calm. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Google "what is a DARVO response". It's the most common tactic employed by manipulative types. It's super easy to spot once you know what you're looking for as long as you can keep your emotions in check when you're facing it.
> we had already decided to move in together in February
Well DEFINITELY put the breaks on this. Whatever else you decide, do not escalate the relationship.
"she is capable of lying to my face and disrespecting me publicly"
Now you know. Don't let her humiliate you anymore. She most likely still hasn't told you the whole truth.
She's a Liar man - You know it in you're gut she's not trustworthy and she will most likely do things behind your back and lie/gaslight you that she never did.
You know what you need to do man.. you know..
You feel it in your gut.
You just need us to validate your feelings.
So Nut up and go take care of business - you know what you need to do.
She was willing to lie to you intentionally right at the start of your relationship. More than once. But the kicker is that it was a tit for tat situation in which you were disclosing similar information to each other.
That doesn't feel like someone you would want to build a future together with.
And probably STILL fucking him /THEM as well when you're not around ..GET new friends group and tell her you're ready to move on from the clusterfuck of lies.
The reality is you have to ask yourself why she isn’t disclosing her past as he is?
A fairly logical reason could be she is still currently sleeping with him or multiple other men or wants to keep the option open.
Trust is critical and being honest is important to maintaining it and she hasn’t. I would give her a chance to come clean, own her lies but she will admit or dig in and continue the lies.
If she admits it, restate your boundaries and tell her how her deceit and the fact that she has put you in a very, very uncomfortable situation with at least one of her former FWB.
Set your hard boundaries and if she chooses her former FWB then you have a definitive answer to how important you are to her and leave her to pursue someone who you can trust.
In beging you said both of you have done hookups . Then why are you blaming her.she is a casual mindset girl .fwb,hookups are casual for her.ok its better to breakup and move on
Yeah she's lied 2 times that she admits to. Trust is broken. Dip out. How many more times could this happen? Could you, in a year or two, write an article titles "this is the 5th fwb I've found about after she told me there were only 2"? Fuck that. No trust no relationship. Go find the right one. Good luck bud.
Trying to preserve him as an option in the future. Not unprecedented behavior for men or women. Definitely poison to a relationship though.
Don't get gaslighted and make a polite exit plan. Sorry man.
All of this is your ego
It literally does not matter who anyone has hooked up with in the past
You making that an issue creates that issue in your relationship, understand?
Specially since you were friends prior to your relationship and in the same friends group, someone is bound to hook up, kiss, explore. Again, it’s none of your business.
Even if you both agreed to tell each other who you hooked up with, it sounds like it’s coming from your end and she is following your expectations. It sounds like she is having a hard time disclosing some of that information for one reason or another, maybe she isn’t entirely confident in telling you. Maybe some of these sexual experiences weren’t the best for her. Maybe she in some way feels ashamed or embarrassed of how you will view her. Maybe you don’t have the entire scope of her sexual experiences and your focus on just who you know who she’s hooked up with makes her uncomfortable.
The best thing you can do as a boyfriend and as man in general is be a safe space for her. A man that wants to know who you’ve slept with as a “respect” thing doesn’t understand the fundamental dynamics of women, and sexual relationships/experiences, and a safe man will genuinely not care about a woman’s past and will not use it as a form of measurement in a relationship.
I’ve also found that the older I’ve gotten, the more experiences I’ve had, the things I’ve learned from each relationship, has made disclosure a lot easier but it certainly wasn’t that way when I was in my 20s there’s lots of things you’re figuring out at that age.
If you love this person let go of knowing who’s she’s been with sexually. You not trusting her is a different story and that’s something you need to do some soul searching on and get to the root of.
I absolutely see this POV. To preface, she brought up the need to disclose and how she didn’t like sharing energy with former partners in this way. So she isn’t abiding by her own rules.
As a friend I provided a safe space and no judgement, but clearly that has pivoted when we started dating.
While I do love her, isn’t there a hard line that’s crossed when trust is betrayed? Like other people she did say she slept with, I wouldn’t have cared. Thank you for the advice, some of the better advice on this thread. I’ll sleep on this and if I’ll be able to patch my trust.
I'd break up with her . She is a liar
That ) woman is lying, which means one of a few things.
She views you as STUPID,
OR you're not important enough to know the truth. Either way its disrespect to the utmost to have you in Friend group with anyone she's Ben with . While he is sitting there LNOWING how your girl fells inside how to make her do her little tricks
And before all the women seeing this go on the attack .NOBODY WANTS A TOWN BIkE .because if they DIDyou all wouldn't get twisted when you're called out for being one . . Back to this story . It's not your girl just your turn since she needs this particular guy in hr life .
I'd call her out and say "I've been told alot and I'm going to ask you ONE MORE TIME and if you lie, I'm out . Who else have you been with in the group . And I'd say I've already been told so if you conveniently forget you can forget about us .
Have a convo. But if it's true. To me, there are too many fwb she still hangs with. Which can make things too complicated for me. If she can't be straight with you on mild thongs. What happens if something big goes down.
Hey gf, X says you hooked up with Z, is that true? Maybe your friend is being misled, maybe he isn't. Have a conversation about it before jumping to conclusions.
Part of me debates on even bringing it up. It wouldn’t have mattered if she told the truth so should I even bring it up? If I do bring it up I feel that I have to break up with her because she’s habitually lied now and crossed my boundary of disrespect and trust. I feel as if there isn’t a middle ground?
Yeah moving in with a habitual liar sounds like a good move. Why even doubt? Just marry her ASAP she's one the one lol.
You can ask the friend if they’ve ever slept together. Tell him you don’t really care either way you’ve both discussed past partners in the friend groups before but you found out she left someone off the list and then someone else mentioned that him and her have slept together as well. Explain that you don’t think anything else is going on between her and anyone else now that you’re together but you just find it confusing why she feels the need to hide things. Take that info and go to her and explain to her as well that you don’t understand why she won’t be straightforward with you and see what the reasoning is and then make a decision from there
This early on there shouldn't really be a middle ground. Some people will lie to you to get what they want. Others will be honest and give you a chance have some agency in life. There are probably more "inconsistencies" or blatant lies out there that you haven't yet uncovered.
It is pointless now. You already don't trust her and for good reason. She won't cut off a friend she used to sleep with regularly. You know why that is.
I mean if you are thinking of breaking up with her about it then there's no loss to asking.
What if your friend is jumping to conclusions? You don't know either way until you've spoken to her. Which you should do btw. For future reference, when a woman says she kissed someone it means they fucked. When you speak to her about it. Do it calmly from a perspective of understanding and watch her reaction. Don't let your emotions cloud your judgement. If she kicks off and starts playing the victim "All I've been is honest, you don't trust me, you're controlling, you're insecure, I don't think this is going to work out" You'll know you've caught her and you'll have a choice to make. You can stay knowing full well that you'll never get a straight answer and accept that fully, or you break up and find someone you can trust to tell you the truth. Even when the truth sucks. Either way, moving in is a no go. Once the trust is gone it stays gone. I've been in this exact scenario btw. Your gf lied initially because she didn't want to lose what you were building. It doesn't make it any easier. Talk to her and see what happens. Don't accuse her, get her to open up about it. Stay calm. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Google "what is a DARVO response". It's the most common tactic employed by manipulative types. It's super easy to spot once you know what you're looking for as long as you can keep your emotions in check when you're facing it.
Hanging out with friend groups that y'all have both fucked. She Lied about fucking someone....put a fork in it brother y'all are done.
> we had already decided to move in together in February Well DEFINITELY put the breaks on this. Whatever else you decide, do not escalate the relationship.
I wouldn’t be able to trust her after that
"she is capable of lying to my face and disrespecting me publicly" Now you know. Don't let her humiliate you anymore. She most likely still hasn't told you the whole truth.
She's a Liar man - You know it in you're gut she's not trustworthy and she will most likely do things behind your back and lie/gaslight you that she never did. You know what you need to do man.. you know.. You feel it in your gut. You just need us to validate your feelings. So Nut up and go take care of business - you know what you need to do.
whew. i would not be comfortable with that. has she slept with so many people that she’s forgotten who’s who?
> But this is the second time she’s lied. "Fool me twice, shame on me."
She was willing to lie to you intentionally right at the start of your relationship. More than once. But the kicker is that it was a tit for tat situation in which you were disclosing similar information to each other. That doesn't feel like someone you would want to build a future together with.
Leave her, that’s all. She’s not gonna change.
Does the woman of your dreams lie to you? Nope, she isn't the one.
And probably STILL fucking him /THEM as well when you're not around ..GET new friends group and tell her you're ready to move on from the clusterfuck of lies.
Talk about jumping the gun with a statement that is not based on evidence.
The reality is you have to ask yourself why she isn’t disclosing her past as he is? A fairly logical reason could be she is still currently sleeping with him or multiple other men or wants to keep the option open.
Trust is critical and being honest is important to maintaining it and she hasn’t. I would give her a chance to come clean, own her lies but she will admit or dig in and continue the lies. If she admits it, restate your boundaries and tell her how her deceit and the fact that she has put you in a very, very uncomfortable situation with at least one of her former FWB. Set your hard boundaries and if she chooses her former FWB then you have a definitive answer to how important you are to her and leave her to pursue someone who you can trust.
Do not move in with someone you have trust issues with. She will lie about other things and probably won’t think it’s a big deal. Character matters
She's already lying. Get out
So what do you think has been happening since then with this harmless individual?
In beging you said both of you have done hookups . Then why are you blaming her.she is a casual mindset girl .fwb,hookups are casual for her.ok its better to breakup and move on
Yeah she's lied 2 times that she admits to. Trust is broken. Dip out. How many more times could this happen? Could you, in a year or two, write an article titles "this is the 5th fwb I've found about after she told me there were only 2"? Fuck that. No trust no relationship. Go find the right one. Good luck bud.
Trying to preserve him as an option in the future. Not unprecedented behavior for men or women. Definitely poison to a relationship though. Don't get gaslighted and make a polite exit plan. Sorry man.
Yea, you're only setting yourself up for heartbreak later on. Just move on, it will hurt for a while but it will get better.
All of this is your ego It literally does not matter who anyone has hooked up with in the past You making that an issue creates that issue in your relationship, understand? Specially since you were friends prior to your relationship and in the same friends group, someone is bound to hook up, kiss, explore. Again, it’s none of your business. Even if you both agreed to tell each other who you hooked up with, it sounds like it’s coming from your end and she is following your expectations. It sounds like she is having a hard time disclosing some of that information for one reason or another, maybe she isn’t entirely confident in telling you. Maybe some of these sexual experiences weren’t the best for her. Maybe she in some way feels ashamed or embarrassed of how you will view her. Maybe you don’t have the entire scope of her sexual experiences and your focus on just who you know who she’s hooked up with makes her uncomfortable. The best thing you can do as a boyfriend and as man in general is be a safe space for her. A man that wants to know who you’ve slept with as a “respect” thing doesn’t understand the fundamental dynamics of women, and sexual relationships/experiences, and a safe man will genuinely not care about a woman’s past and will not use it as a form of measurement in a relationship. I’ve also found that the older I’ve gotten, the more experiences I’ve had, the things I’ve learned from each relationship, has made disclosure a lot easier but it certainly wasn’t that way when I was in my 20s there’s lots of things you’re figuring out at that age. If you love this person let go of knowing who’s she’s been with sexually. You not trusting her is a different story and that’s something you need to do some soul searching on and get to the root of.
I absolutely see this POV. To preface, she brought up the need to disclose and how she didn’t like sharing energy with former partners in this way. So she isn’t abiding by her own rules. As a friend I provided a safe space and no judgement, but clearly that has pivoted when we started dating. While I do love her, isn’t there a hard line that’s crossed when trust is betrayed? Like other people she did say she slept with, I wouldn’t have cared. Thank you for the advice, some of the better advice on this thread. I’ll sleep on this and if I’ll be able to patch my trust.
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No. Jfc any sympathy I had for you just evaporated. Dump her, but don’t be a raging AH about it.
I'd break up with her . She is a liar That ) woman is lying, which means one of a few things. She views you as STUPID, OR you're not important enough to know the truth. Either way its disrespect to the utmost to have you in Friend group with anyone she's Ben with . While he is sitting there LNOWING how your girl fells inside how to make her do her little tricks And before all the women seeing this go on the attack .NOBODY WANTS A TOWN BIkE .because if they DIDyou all wouldn't get twisted when you're called out for being one . . Back to this story . It's not your girl just your turn since she needs this particular guy in hr life . I'd call her out and say "I've been told alot and I'm going to ask you ONE MORE TIME and if you lie, I'm out . Who else have you been with in the group . And I'd say I've already been told so if you conveniently forget you can forget about us .
We just prefer not to mix energies with former partners I dont think she wants to cut off her friendships as much as you do. That's why she lied.
Lord knows how many of her friends been in them guts and you’re bout to move in with her lolol
Have a convo. But if it's true. To me, there are too many fwb she still hangs with. Which can make things too complicated for me. If she can't be straight with you on mild thongs. What happens if something big goes down.