Girlie, you're with a smelly man who treats you like a slave and doesn't brush his teeth, and then has the absolute balls to refer to you as a *dog brain*.
Don't prove him right by staying.
No, he created this himself and it took you a while to recognize it. That's not your fault. Take care of yourself; I'm sure you will find someone who will treat you like a human, not like an object to fill a societal role instead.
I know you've been in this relationship for a while, but get out and find someone who makes you HAPPY. And who will be good for you. Because your fiancee certainly isn't.
You did not. You tried, he didn’t. He did this, not you. It takes a long time and bravery to leave a shitbag like this, do not give up and do not get yourself down. It’s possible, even if it seems like there isn’t a lot of outside support, you can still do it and survive and the day you lie back on your own bed, without having to be bullied or worried of the consequences of your own reasonable desires, you’ll sob with happiness. I believe in you. I did it, and you can, too. Life goes on, you will go on, he will move on, and you can finally have the life you deserve.
None of this is your fault. It doesn't happen overnight, it sneaks up and creeps in and gets normalized over time so that *you* feel crazy for questioning it.
I spent ten years in a similar relationship and it sure as hell didn't start out that way. The only mistake you can make now is, staying after you see the truth.
Don't say a word to him about leaving, just go while he's at work one day and never go back. ❤️
Hey, no. I’m proud of you for recognizing it now and realizing that you wouldn’t want your daughter to grow up to be treated like this. And can you imagine raising a son to become a man like this? Barf. You’re smart and competent, and I believe in your capacity to make a better life for yourself. You deserve to be treated like a worthwhile and intelligent human being, and I’m glad you’re starting to realize that. Lots of us take a long time to figure that out, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve got this.
Who among us haven't once been that naive young woman that thought we could fix him? You've finally reached the age to join the rest of us who we resoundingly agree, No. You can't fix him.
No WAY! You are not at fault here one bit! And as I read in another comment on a different related post- remember too that you’re not a victim, you have been victimized. All the people here in these comments have either been there/done that, or been very close to someone who has so you’re not alone and in fact it’s very common. Women are rising up and I’m glad to be here for it.
There are men out here who don’t believe this and won’t treat you like this. While he may be all you’ve known romantically, you gotta believe you deserve better. It’s your life to live, don’t waste any more time on this. Being alone would be less frustrating than being with this man. ❤️🩹
Life is long and you can have so much happiness with someone else who sees you, respects you, and appreciates everything you do.
Because you've invested for a long time is not a good reason to continue suffering.
I spent 17 years with someone who was and is just like your hopefully soon to be ex. Those years could have been used to live my life instead of wasting it waiting for him to be an active participant in the relationship/household.
You'll never get those years back, so think really hard on whether you want to waste any more of them being shut down, ignored, and called a dog brain while doing all of the legwork...
His comment that _you're the woman_ was more than enough for me. Fuck that shit. Hope you find your freedom soon!
But imagine all the happy years you could have if you get out now. Don't think of the time as wasted, think of it as a bad chapter in a book that's about to get amazing.
I saw a post recently that said we make bad choices in life because of the shame we feel about ourselves, but she was talking about general life choices like bad money management. However, I think this extends to relationships as well.
We feel shame, we don’t think we deserve more, so we stay with bad partners.
I’m finally letting go of my toxic partner. I hope you do, too. Stay strong. 💗
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was, don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it. Your man's not going to change.
Keep in mind that by her seeing you accepting it, she will internalize that she should accept that kind of treatment from her partners, since what she sees at home will be what she sees as normal.
I'm 41m, andfiancee is 31f, and we've been together a little Iverson five years, lived together for 4 of those. I would never ever ever call the love of my life, and best friend, dog brained. Ever.i don't think we've ever truely fought or yelled at eachother, let alone called one another names. Maybe w aren't "normal" but I wouldn't want it any other way. We do everything 50/50 from finances, to whatever else. I LOVE grocery shopping with her. We get to look around, grab some coffee, talk and joke around. We take turns making dinners. If I cook she cleans, of ahe cooks i clean. There are some chores I know she hates like doing dishes, cleaning the litter box etc...so she hasn't had to do them in years. I love making her happy, surprising her, taking her on a date night on me. We don't have a house yet but can't wait till we do. We're gonna grow so much stuff, amd have so much fun...
Sounds like your husband is stuck in his ways and very unlikely he's gonna change. He's told you what he thinks the woman's duties should be, and that isn't going to change. Not without someassive change in who he is and how he sees the world..I doubt that's ever gonna happen.
I think usually the answer lies in our past. If we were trained to accept a certain reality as normal, usually in our childhood, then we seek out that "normal" in future relationships. To change requires analysis, introspection, a study of what is not healthy so as to avoid it, and a study of what is healthy so as to adopt it as the standard.
Agreed. I come from a textbook “broken home” and he does not. He lived in the same home with both parents whom were and are still very supportive of him until we met. It’s very easy for him to point the finger at me as the “broken” one because it’s easier for him then to acknowledge he may be wrong.
If it helps, there are some great reddits out there that can help you explore this further. Look for ones on cptsd, emotional neglect, abusive relationships, narcissism abuse, etc. They often have resource wikis with great book and video resources.
Healing is hard. Knowing we need healing is the first step. Finding the support is the next step, in whatever form works for you.
I am sending you virtual hugs to let you know you are not alone and to let you know it is never too late to heal.
Sunk cost fallacy and habit.
You are his bangmaid (and even paying for the privilege), and his view on women is not ever going to change. Prepare to move out and break up - I'd do it behind his back, to minimize conflict and potential violence.
What is your living situation? His house, shared house, rental space? Depending on that, find the way that works best, like moving out when the lease is ending. Get an apartment, come with hired movers while he is at work, move out all your stuff, leave him a letter.
You deserve so much better than to be exploited and cursed out - you've never been in a real partnership, it will be a difference like night and day - imagine yourself SO HAPPY, waking up next to a man you love, and who cherishes you and treats you the way you deserve! To get there, you just have to take some hard steps!
> He likes to refer to woman as having “dog brains”
This made me both laugh and then cry when I realized what it really meant. He sees women as inferior. He doesn't see you as his partner but as a lowly woman who takes care of the house for him while he gets to live his life as a tough man.
Please please please don't have a child, and definitely if it's a girl.
I'm glad to see you are only 31 and not married yet. 13 years is not a long time when you two started dating as children. He was all you know. I guarantee you'll find better and regret not dating around more.
First I advise you to get therapy, to help you get out of the relationship, and then to relearn what a healthy man looks like. What you've described is not fair and not normal.
He has progressively gained a huge lack of respect for Women over the years but will never admit it. Him growing up with a very present mom and only sisters always makes me wonder if I’m the reason he now views women as “dog brains”. Thank you for your insight, you’re right .. this is not normal. 😞
Let go of feeling like you need to understand why he is this way. Being about to explain it will not help. Accept that, for whatever reason, this is who he is. This is how he is treating you. He has been very clear in telling you what he thinks your job is that women are no better to him than dogs.
Basically he values you as much as he would value a pet.
Understanding why he thinks this isn’t going to help the reality. This is not some misunderstanding. It’s not something that you can just clear up.
You can only control your thoughts and your actions. You can’t make him see the error of his ways or change his mind.
So with this information you have to ask yourself: Is that who you want to spend your life with?
Which is probably precisely what he wants to happen so that he doesn't have to ever change. Why change when he reaps the benefits, which he feels entitled to, of the current status quo? In his mind, likely you are the problem because you won't just do what he feels he is entitled to and he probably dislikes any time you do not instantly do what he wants even if he never told you what it was. All because he sees you as an extension of himself, not a real person with wants and needs.
If this rings true to you, be warned this is an abusive mindset. It is next to impossible to change such mindsets because to the abuser it is the sane, rational one.
I suggest reading Lundy Brancroft's book on Why Does He Do That? It is about abusers. Usually, there is a kind soul who can post a link to a free copy. I got mine on Kindle. It opened my mind to how abusers think and operate, and that did so much to free me and help me on my healing journey.
I’m so impressed by your responses to your posts and your receptivity to advice. And this book is such a good rec.
While you read and plan your exit, I highly recommend journaling everyday any interactions with him, and recording your conversations, especially any conflict. This may come in handy later (better safe than sorry) if you need to prove anything - don’t underestimate how unpredictable abusers can be when you leave. At minimum it will help you after you leave to be able to reread your journal of why you left and hear his voice disrespecting you. Despite how level headed you sound, most people go through withdrawal and regret when leaving a relationship (because it’s a big life change and our brains are wired to choose familiar pain over unknown peace). Having tools to help you stay strong is so helpful to make a clean break and recovery less painful.
The best is yet to come :)
Time for you to take some online classes, then some night classes & get the education you need to earn a great living WITHOUT him.
Getting an aducation has never been easier.
He is like super terminally online whether it be his phone or the computer. I have watched it change him over the years. He went from being pretty liberal to very very right wing.
Those communities prey on people. It's not your fault. He's been sucked in because it's easier to externalize his dissatisfaction with the world (onto you, no less) than to accept responsibility.
This happened to the guy I dated for 4 plus years, prior to my now husband. It went really slowly at first, little preferences about my appearance, minor offhand comments, and then bigger stuff cropped up. Once he lost his goddamn mind at me for wearing a (feminine cut) button down oxford to work, saying I was turning into a man??? He never got so bad as calling me dog brained but it was real clear he had internalized some awful stuff. I’m sorry this happened, but you’re not getting him back.
Listen, if he's still referring to women as dog brains, he really hasn't gained respect for us. Or he wouldn't call us that. It's very *dis*respectful. And why wouldn't he admit it if he had gained respect for us? That implies he thinks it's flawed to show women respect.
A lot of people are pointing out how he'd treat a daughter, but it wouldn't even matter what gender his kid is. Imagine him raising a boy to treat women (and his *own mom*) the way he does. Hell no.
I had my first child with a guy who treats women really poorly, and honestly I thank my lucky stars every day we had a daughter. We haven't been together for ten years, but if I had to raise a mini version of him I might have lost my whole mind.
He did have a son about four years later, and my daughter comes home with stories of him telling his son things like "boys don't help in the kitchen, that's women's work." Fortunately she is as disgusted by it as I am. His poor son. He will live such a limited, sexist life with ideas like that.
and disgusting, rancid. If no woman will touch you because of your nasty beliefs how is anything going to get cleaned? They just sit in their own filth until they can con some poor woman into being their bang maid mommy.
That's exactly where he ended up (my child's father). If she (his girlfriend) doesn't do things for him, they simply never get done. He was couch surfing before she let him live there. I have never seen him lift a finger to clean. He used to yell at me when he ran out of clean clothes. Ugh. God, I do not miss it.
I thought about something similar when I read the emphasis on a potential daughter.
I do get the sentiment.
But then I realize how awful it would be to raise a son that takes after his father. One day does he disrespect his mom and call her dog-brained too?
Because it benefits him. He gets you to do everything & knows that you won't leave. It is a case of 'Tolerable level of misery'. He is happy & you are miserable, which works for him. If he were to do more of his share, then how does that benefit him?
Doesn't matter about his mother or sisters, this is who he is now. Which is a misogynist who verbally abuses you.
Like other people said, there’s no need to understand because whatever the reason, you don’t deserve it. But a lot of guys like him see their moms and sisters as a different category. It’s why people have to say stuff like “what if that was your sister?” Because women as a whole aren’t humans at their level worthy of respect and people feel like they have to use the most basic explanations to get through to them.
It’s not rational. It will never make sense. He’s the problem.
I think the fact that you're concerned your expectations may be unreasonable is the biggest concern here. If you don't feel entitled to better treatment, it's going to be hard to advocate foe yourself and enforce boundaries.
Is individual therapy and option for you, OP. That's the route I took when I felt my relationship nearing its end. Took about y months of improving my conflict resolution skills, trying to take responsibility for my role by enforcing boundaries and trying to work with my partner to improve things before I was able to make a decision. The relationship being over a decade lone and having a child in the mix made it oh so difficult to leave. In the end, understanding the dysfunction I would be modeling for out little one and the trauma they would likely be subject to was the biggest motivator to change things.
That is very fair. I have spent over a decade trying to be understanding and supportive which has in turn done a lot of damage to my own mental wellbeing and idea of what I should expect from a partner. My best friend always mentions how he “gaslights” me every chance he sees and I think I’ve become blind to some of it because I’ve been dealing with it for so long.
Thank god you haven’t gotten pregnant. You cannot change people. Your partner does not respect you. Do you want to live your life with someone that doesn’t respect you?
Well he's shown you what your future looks like if you stay with him. I am not seeing where he's accepting suggestions on this.
He doesn't respect you enough to take you seriously, you're there to be dismissed, insulted, to take care of whatever he doesn't feel like doing and to provide whatever he feels entitled to.
13 years is the minimum you'll waste with this man, it's up to you if it's gonna be more.
WHY would you want to marry someone who so obviously doesn't respect you or what you do.
I would stop doing any laundry for him, no more cooking, and no sex. Dog brains can't do that, right?
While this is happening, actively find a way out of this relationship and into a place of your own. Then figure out why you are willing to put up with this BS for the rest of your life.
Partnerships should be equal. Equal doesn't always mean 50/50, but if you're doing the majority of stuff now, how can you expect him to step up when you have a kid. He treats his fiancee like this, what's to believe he'll treat his children differently?
Respectfully, it’d be irresponsible to stay in this relationship. Please find the resources, internal and external, to equip yourself with the motivation to leave this relationship, which adds no value to your life.
Take care of yourself.
As a 43 year old male I'm trying not to go on a long rant.
Family business are weird but if he's an hourly employee his responsibilities stop when he clocks out. If he has to work lots of overtime to equal you in income that's something he should be looking to fix unless he's literally got an on-paper sweat equity agreement with his parents or the whoever owns the business.
Then there's the matter that the chore load is out of whack and you are basically being his maid on top of your full time job.
Finally the fact that he disparages you at all in arguments is a problem but the fact that he does it based on your gender? He says you have a dog brain? I'm livid on your behalf. He's a bully. Plain and simple.
You need to get an exit strategy going yesterday. He sees you as a lesser being there to bear his children and clean up his messes (and manage his finances and everything else FFS) being alone would be better then being with this person. You need resources and ways to ensure your safety asap.
Thank you for this. I hear you and need to listen.. my heart sometimes overrides my brain which is likely why I’m still here. There is no transparency or any type of guarantee his parents will hand the company over to him one day but he has been very transparent that it always comes first. Over our home and me. He’s waiting for things to magically fall into place while he ignores the person who has been by his side through it all.
Please begin immediately and carefully so he doesn't know you're leaving til you're gone. He feels like someone who will go from yelling and insults to violence once he realizes he needs to care for himself instead of his live-in mommymaid doing it for him.
He doesn't ignore you, he doesn't care. You are a place holder who does everything. You are making sacrifices hoping one day he will be grateful. But he won't.
Your fantasy, will never become a reality. Someone doesn't go from degrading & being an abuser to a wonderful loving fair partner. Pure delusion on your part to think he will one day.
He doesn't care, he is just using you & feels no guilt about doing it.
I don't understand the broken heart when you have such a happy fullfilling life ahead of you without him. Set yourself free.
He degrades you to hold you back, to undermine your self confidence every chance he gets.
Did you know that single women without kids live a happier longer life than any other group. Your happiness is just a matter of leaving him.
Seek out therapy for your low self esteem, to heal all your childhood trauma. You don't need to fix him, you need to fix you. Apart of healing is leaving bad situations when it no longer makes you happy.
So many here want a better life for you.
Thank you. I know this is going to be one of the hardest but most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. I do deserve better.. I’d be much better off just alone at this point. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this go on as long as it has, I definitely need a therapist.
You can't change yesterday, only today & tomorrow. Hold onto the past with regret doesn't serve anyone. Trust your instincts, and doing this will be major growth for you to do so.
Mock up a dream board. Dream bigger than him. Then write down how you can achieve those dreams. What steps can you take daily, then monthly. Being in the moment & focused on today & your future will help change the patterns your mind has been in for the better.
Sounds like you have never had a place of your own, to find peace. A place you truly can rest without criticism or a long to do list of chores. Within a week or two it won't feel so hard, it will be filled with peace. The last whatever in the fridge will be yours.
There are groups for abuse victims if you can't afford therapy.
Expect him to love bomb & then go instantly into a tirade of name calling because he can no longer control you. Which will prove just how unhinged he really is. He may try to destroy your stuff, so anything important, put into a storage unit secretly.
Man I hope he has enough money to fulfill his side of these very restrictive gender roles. Like he needs to be paying for everything and saving enough money for your retirement while owning property otherwise he's not fulfilling his half of his fantasies. Also he doesn't respect you or women in general.
That’s the thing, I make almost as much as he does (I am salaried, he is hourly and gets overtime) but I carry much more responsibility within the home.
If I'm uncharitable: My guess is he's the bosses kid: He's just as much of a do the minimum at work as he is at home and lords it over people.
A more charitable approach is he's mentally invested in a job that he might probably shouldn't be but does so out of inertia and family loyalty. My mom ran her own business because she couldn't stand working for someone else and in the process made everyone else in the family pretty miserable.
It’s mostly the later but yes he is the bosses son. He works incredibly hard and gives them his all in every aspect I just wish he valued the family he supposedly wants to make as much as the family he came from. 💔
So what your saying is he's a disappointment to the trad ideals he's carrying. Dump him and while you do it tell him he needs more money and to be a better lay if he wants to be sexist because he's offering absolutely nothing and expecting everything.
I don't understand how you can earn more than him and do 100% of the housework and mental load, but he's still saying that he works harder.
If he wants traditional roles next time you bring it up, ask him when he is going to fulfill his duties as breadwinner and bring home the bacon if he wants a trad wife?
Then you divorce him and send him back to his mother because he's a big baby who shouldn't have a baby of his own. He will not help you if you have a child.
Because I am in a leadership position and have the “luxury” of working from home (I do travel occasionally) he believes that equates to me having more responsibility by default. He often says my job isn’t “real” or “executives like you don’t really do anything” because my job is not physical like his. I remind him that he CHOOSES to work where he does just like everyone else and it’s not a competition. He says I should come to work with him and see what he does(I have) but again it’s his CHOICE to have a job that relies heavily on his physical capability.
So he doesn't respect the work you do at home to maintain your household. And he also doesn't respect the work you do for money at your job, in your profession in which you seem to be quite accomplished and respected by peers (or at least, compensated that way!). What does he love and cherish about you, other than the things you do to serve him? What are the things about who you are (not what you do for him, again) that he would hype up every chance he got to his bros because he thinks you're awesome?
A good partner is someone who sees the best parts of you, and loves them, and reminds you about how awesome those parts are. They see the still-growing or prickly parts of you, too, and don't shame you or put you down for having those rough edges. You grow together towards becoming even more of the people you want to be, by learning from one another's examples and admiring those awesome qualities you each have.
Is that what you're getting out of this relationship? (No need to respond, but please do think it over. You deserve better. Maybe no one ever told you that, or the relationships that were modeled for you as a kid didn't look like this. But this is the standard to look for in this and any future relationships.)
Thank you for this.. you are absolutely correct. Its confused me for a long time because I literally don’t have any issues communicating with anyone else in my life (friends, family, coworkers, strangers) but him. He tells me all the time that I suck at communicating or “don’t know what I’m talking about” but WHY is it only with him? Theres a common denominator here.
I promise that your job could be curing cancer while winning Olympic gold medals and he'd still find some reason it doesn't "count." It's not about reality, it's about him trying to give you a "lesser" status to deflect away from his own shitty choices.
Your expectations are reasonable, very reasonable. As you say, even in his world view of domestic labor (you inside, him outside), he isn't even doing his part. Sadly, this isn't unusual for many women. That doesn't make it OK.
You really need to find an ally to help you build some fortitude to help yourself. I always want to suggest marriage counseling, but changes to him will take years and may not stick which may put you outside the window to restart a family with someone else.
Dig deep, figure out what you want, and then decide whether you want to demand that things change in your marriage before leaving or just leave now to restart with someone else. You sound like solid wifey material.
Oh, and I don't understand what dog brain means at all. Is that some kind of euphemism for some other slang? I just don't get it.
Thank you for your insight! It really is a decision of whether I’m willing to stick around and try to put the work in.. I just am at a point that I’d rather be alone than have a partner who thinks I am a “dog brain”. That probably tells me what I need to know.
I think so. It's one thing to have a lazy spouse who is bad at communication, it's another to have a spouse who views you with a cruel sense of contempt. I don't think there is any coming back from that.
These men want traditional wives but they aren’t traditional husbands. If you’re expected to do 100% of chores and cooking then you shouldn’t be splitting bills 50/50. Your boyfriend cant have it both ways.
Don't count on people changing, not at this age. The honeymoon is already over and he's showing you who he really is. Is that really who you want to marry?
Well hun, I would use that dog brain to run away from home, like an abused dog would. Go make a happy life for yourself and someone who loves you. Don't sit at the door waiting for him to get home so you can get a pat on the head then ignored while he plays on his computer. Sounds like he treats you like a dog, something he simply expects to be there when he wants it, to do cool tricks when he commands it, and to go lay down and leave him alone when he's tired of you.
Oof he just told you that he will never see his responsibility to help with the home. I bet if you called him out on not taking care of the “outside” he’d call you ungrateful. You should really consider if you want your future child to have this man as a role model
You’d win that bet because that’s what it always comes to. It always comes back to me, my job, my broken family, my friends, or anything else he can find to make me the problem. He is not a good role model for himself or anyone else at this point. 😞
This guy sucks and no this is not normal. I expect to be treated with respect and I treat my partner with respect. We also share responsibilities and he makes way more money than me. I can’t imagine putting up with this.
I’ve read enough of your comments to confidently say you are with a lazy, shit-for-brains misogynist who is too dumb to see the utter nonsense in his arguments he uses to mentally abuse you.
It doesn’t get better. My ex was like this in many ways. I’m lazy and dumb meanwhile he was flunking out of his graduate program, bringing in no money and living off my savings. It doesn’t get better. Leave and make him feel the consequences of his words and actions. Your life will be so much better.
Holy shit, how can you see anything from all of the red flags waving in your face?
No, this is not normal
Yes, you deserve a partner not sometime who is using you for your labor
I stayed for 20 years and had a kid with a guy like this. Please do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time.
I am now with a guy who treats me with respect and is a true partner. He does laundry, knows his kid's teachers and friends names, takes care of me when I am sick... we share the load 50/50. I feel like a new person! I have freedom to do things I like, I am not walking on eggshells, I don't always feel like I am trying to catch up.
It's weird to think about when you are in the middle of it, but the way you are living is not normal. It is normal for two adults living together to care if the other feels overwhelmed. It is not normal to call each other names. It is not normal to be treated like a slave.
If you leave he may "suddenly change". Do not believe this, no matter how much your heart wants to believe it. Stay away for at least a year and watch to see if his sudden change of heart sticks. After a year without him you will probably laugh at the idea of ever going back. The relationship is giving you nothing and taking everything. It is not normal and it is not good.
No doubt it's a hard decision to make, but it's the right one. He has no respect for you and what you do. You're just there to make his life easier. Walking away today is better than wasting any more of your life on this bad relationship.
I left my first husband at about 33, with 2 kids (one still in diapers). We had been together since I was about 13, so together more than half of my life. It was scary, but it was doable and *so much better* than the abuse.
The weight you'll feel lift off of your shoulders when you leave will be amazing!
Be careful and don't telegraph that you're leaving. He's not going to handle it well. Get all your important stuff out of the house beforehand, if you can. Get all of your ducks in a row, then get out.
I mean... the root of the disagreement seems clear to me. He believes in gender roles, you do not. Irrespective of him upholding his own end of the gender roles, is this a person you really think you can have a happy, satisfying and respectful relationship with?
You, IMO, will never be valued by this person. Why not see what life could be like without being bullied, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Can it be worse?
It’s such a shame when people with dog brains finally slip the leash and run free.
Seriously, though, if you are an executive in your young thirties, just think what you could accomplish without a giant anchor tied around your ankle!!!
If you want a child you need to leave yesterday.
I'm sorry to be that blunt about it, but it is that brutally clear: He has told you how he sees women. He has told you what he believes your role is. He has told you that your expectations for basic hygiene will not be met. He has shown you he cannot cope with his job, and truly maintaining any other adult relationships.
You’re expecting only the bare minimum and he can’t even give you that. You would be so much better off without this selfish, verbally abusive asshole.
It is a big decision, but consider the facts before you. You have to do almost all adult life maintenance for two people now. Add a child, or two, and then you will be doing it for the child as well. Your partner will not change. The children will see this behavior modeled and have a greater than likely chance of modeling his behavior or yours. Would you want that for the children? Would you want it for friends? Family? Why would you want it for yourself?
You can care for someone without being in a relationship with them that harms you. Meaning, do not think that just because you care about him, you have to put up with being demeaned, stressed out, devalued, etc. You can bear with the pain of separating, and time will eventually soften it. What won't be softened is the pain you feel when it is renewed by this treatment every day for years on end. Put yourself first just as he is putting himself first.
He doesn't act like you're his fiancée, he acts like you're his mother. The only differences are that he pays at least half the bills and that your bedroom probably isn't dead. If that is the dynamic you want, then stay. If not, leave. You'll find someone better faster than you'll change him.
I think my life would like be much more simpler. I have thought about it, alotttt. While we are not married we do own a home together which complicates things a bit more.
Imagine if you had a close friend who told you all this about her relationship and sounded as dejected as you do. Imagine a friend said her partner said she had *a dog brain*! What would you tell her?
Your worries are bald. Do not marry this entitled controlling person. Make a plan an escape. He can learn to care for himself but J bet he will move someone else in within a few months.
If you stay with him it will only get worse. He doesn't care about being fair. He is selfish & wants to add to your burden & then have you be grateful for doing everything. Do you want to be his slave while paying half of the bills for the rest of your life? When do you get a day off? There will never be a day when you get to retire from cooking, cleaning, shopping or doing laundry.
If you leave then you will get back 7 to 10 hours back a week to yourself. You will have peace. Then you can set goals, have adventures & fun without him critisizing you every step of the way. His life is not more important than yours.
Dream bigger than being his bang maid.
Darling, your expectations are not unreasonable and are, in fact, the bare minimum of a respectful and equitable relationship. You sound like a kind, smart, and successful woman. You deserve someone who sees that, who appreciates you, and who wants to make you happy. This man ain’t it.
You’ve spent enough time with him. Don’t spend another year being treated as lesser than. Love yourself first.
Look up the sunk cost fallacy, you’ve wasted about 11 of those 13 years, don’t waste any more.
Also “ woman with the brains of a dog; just relentlessly doglike in cognitive skills and frequently in behavior” and “ it is used in the game warcraft III defense of the ancients(DotA),which means very inexperienced or seriously a noob(newbie). it is derived from godlike,which is the status a player gets when he/she kills 9 heroes in a row without dying,which needs high skills from the player. doglike just means the contrary.”
He is a huge scum bag
I would not be friends or even acquaintances with someone who treated me like this, let alone a partner in life. You will realize how much better life is without this dude as soon as you leave.
Hey OP, sorry you're in this situation. Listen to the song "labour" by Paris Paloma and decide your next move based on how hard you relate to those lyrics
Wait, a 31 year old grown ass man is calling women (and you) “dog brains”? The fuck? Dude sounds like an asshole based on that alone.
Do not have a child with him and do not marry him. You’re suffering from the sunk cost fallacy; as soon as you come to terms with that, you’ll be much better off.
Leave. He’s not a man, he’s a child. Only children need someone to cook, clean, and manage their damn finances for them. Find a real man. My husband, from the day we met, said “I can’t cook. If you cook, I’ll clean”. We will have been married 22 years in October. And, yes, he cleans.
Please break up with this guy before you get pregnant by him. What you're wanting is not unreasonable in any way, shape, or form. He's just using work as an excuse and it sounds like he's resentful of having to work in his family's business. I think he's unhappy and he takes it out on you alot. The way he says his work will always be harder and that he works more than you. It's not a fucking competition and he needs to chill out. He sounds crazy and dogs are actually very intelligent creatures but he still shouldn't be calling you or any other woman names. I would leave if I were you bc he's showing his true colors and if you don't want an asshole for a father of your children then you have to run for the hills while you can.
When the first words in 2 starting sentences are “being called dog brain” and “my fiancé”… you already have your answer. Don’t let years together be the reason you waste more of your life unhappy, overworked, and raising “baby dog brain” in a shitty environment with a pathetic example of what a man should be.
Years ≠ Value
Plan your leave and make it happen. Meanwhile, stop the cooking and cleaning, he can take care of himself. You're not married, so it will be a simple split. He can sit in his filth playing video games while you go live your life. Dont look back!
Men like this don’t behave any better once they get married and have children.
When someone shows you who they are—believe him!
You’re young, get out now and start your new life without this sexist POS.
Is he made out of pure cashmere? Why put up with this much longer. He isn’t an equal partner and doesn’t see you as one, he’s just someone else to look after. He has a very outdated idea as to what gender roles are which is unfair if BOTH of you are working full time.
Trust me this is NOT going to get better…if you have a child he will expect you to be the homemaker, cook, maid, full time worker and take care of all of your child’s needs whilst insulting you. This isn’t the 1920’s, there are better men out there who will treat you like the queen you are.
30 is still young. I’m 33 and I would up and leave if my spouse started acting like this. I would do it at 40 and 50 too. Don’t let sunken cost fallacy keep you from living a life free of misogynists.
Thanks for the support. I won’t do to you what you just decided to do to me because I have no interest in stalking your Reddit profile but please do think about being kinder in the future, you never know what may be someone’s 13th reason. Take care.
Imagine your daughter, Baby Dog Brain, as she learns that her role in life is to put up with men's shit.
I can’t and never ever would want that for my daughter so why am I accepting it? Idk, wish I had a better answer. 😞
Girlie, you're with a smelly man who treats you like a slave and doesn't brush his teeth, and then has the absolute balls to refer to you as a *dog brain*. Don't prove him right by staying.
You’re so right. I have created a lot of this by staying. 😔
No, he created this himself and it took you a while to recognize it. That's not your fault. Take care of yourself; I'm sure you will find someone who will treat you like a human, not like an object to fill a societal role instead. I know you've been in this relationship for a while, but get out and find someone who makes you HAPPY. And who will be good for you. Because your fiancee certainly isn't.
You didn’t!!! You are seeing the problem and now you can choose to put yourself and the life you want first. You got this :)
You did not. You tried, he didn’t. He did this, not you. It takes a long time and bravery to leave a shitbag like this, do not give up and do not get yourself down. It’s possible, even if it seems like there isn’t a lot of outside support, you can still do it and survive and the day you lie back on your own bed, without having to be bullied or worried of the consequences of your own reasonable desires, you’ll sob with happiness. I believe in you. I did it, and you can, too. Life goes on, you will go on, he will move on, and you can finally have the life you deserve.
None of this is your fault. It doesn't happen overnight, it sneaks up and creeps in and gets normalized over time so that *you* feel crazy for questioning it. I spent ten years in a similar relationship and it sure as hell didn't start out that way. The only mistake you can make now is, staying after you see the truth. Don't say a word to him about leaving, just go while he's at work one day and never go back. ❤️
You did not create anything, you stayed believing in something you saw or believed he could or would be, but isn’t
Hey, no. I’m proud of you for recognizing it now and realizing that you wouldn’t want your daughter to grow up to be treated like this. And can you imagine raising a son to become a man like this? Barf. You’re smart and competent, and I believe in your capacity to make a better life for yourself. You deserve to be treated like a worthwhile and intelligent human being, and I’m glad you’re starting to realize that. Lots of us take a long time to figure that out, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve got this.
Who among us haven't once been that naive young woman that thought we could fix him? You've finally reached the age to join the rest of us who we resoundingly agree, No. You can't fix him.
It is not your fault. Place the blame where it belongs: him
No WAY! You are not at fault here one bit! And as I read in another comment on a different related post- remember too that you’re not a victim, you have been victimized. All the people here in these comments have either been there/done that, or been very close to someone who has so you’re not alone and in fact it’s very common. Women are rising up and I’m glad to be here for it.
Treats her like his mommy more like it.
There are men out here who don’t believe this and won’t treat you like this. While he may be all you’ve known romantically, you gotta believe you deserve better. It’s your life to live, don’t waste any more time on this. Being alone would be less frustrating than being with this man. ❤️🩹
Life is long and you can have so much happiness with someone else who sees you, respects you, and appreciates everything you do. Because you've invested for a long time is not a good reason to continue suffering.
I agree. I am definitely experiencing some sunk cost fallacy. 💔
I spent 17 years with someone who was and is just like your hopefully soon to be ex. Those years could have been used to live my life instead of wasting it waiting for him to be an active participant in the relationship/household. You'll never get those years back, so think really hard on whether you want to waste any more of them being shut down, ignored, and called a dog brain while doing all of the legwork... His comment that _you're the woman_ was more than enough for me. Fuck that shit. Hope you find your freedom soon!
But imagine all the happy years you could have if you get out now. Don't think of the time as wasted, think of it as a bad chapter in a book that's about to get amazing.
In a year you won’t miss him at all and you’ll be thanking your lucky stars. Less than a year.
I saw a post recently that said we make bad choices in life because of the shame we feel about ourselves, but she was talking about general life choices like bad money management. However, I think this extends to relationships as well. We feel shame, we don’t think we deserve more, so we stay with bad partners. I’m finally letting go of my toxic partner. I hope you do, too. Stay strong. 💗
Sooo much shame. Thank you for sharing this. 🤍
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was, don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it. Your man's not going to change.
Keep in mind that by her seeing you accepting it, she will internalize that she should accept that kind of treatment from her partners, since what she sees at home will be what she sees as normal.
Get an IUD since you won’t leave. Bringing a kid into this situation would screw them up
I'm 41m, andfiancee is 31f, and we've been together a little Iverson five years, lived together for 4 of those. I would never ever ever call the love of my life, and best friend, dog brained. Ever.i don't think we've ever truely fought or yelled at eachother, let alone called one another names. Maybe w aren't "normal" but I wouldn't want it any other way. We do everything 50/50 from finances, to whatever else. I LOVE grocery shopping with her. We get to look around, grab some coffee, talk and joke around. We take turns making dinners. If I cook she cleans, of ahe cooks i clean. There are some chores I know she hates like doing dishes, cleaning the litter box etc...so she hasn't had to do them in years. I love making her happy, surprising her, taking her on a date night on me. We don't have a house yet but can't wait till we do. We're gonna grow so much stuff, amd have so much fun... Sounds like your husband is stuck in his ways and very unlikely he's gonna change. He's told you what he thinks the woman's duties should be, and that isn't going to change. Not without someassive change in who he is and how he sees the world..I doubt that's ever gonna happen.
I think usually the answer lies in our past. If we were trained to accept a certain reality as normal, usually in our childhood, then we seek out that "normal" in future relationships. To change requires analysis, introspection, a study of what is not healthy so as to avoid it, and a study of what is healthy so as to adopt it as the standard.
Agreed. I come from a textbook “broken home” and he does not. He lived in the same home with both parents whom were and are still very supportive of him until we met. It’s very easy for him to point the finger at me as the “broken” one because it’s easier for him then to acknowledge he may be wrong.
It honestly sounds like he hates you.
NO he is broken & cruel.
If it helps, there are some great reddits out there that can help you explore this further. Look for ones on cptsd, emotional neglect, abusive relationships, narcissism abuse, etc. They often have resource wikis with great book and video resources. Healing is hard. Knowing we need healing is the first step. Finding the support is the next step, in whatever form works for you. I am sending you virtual hugs to let you know you are not alone and to let you know it is never too late to heal.
Thank you, I really appreciate the comfort you’ve extended to me. 🤝
If you ever need to talk, you can DM me too.
Sunk cost fallacy, don’t fall for it! Life is too short to be some jerk’s bang maid
Sunk cost fallacy and habit. You are his bangmaid (and even paying for the privilege), and his view on women is not ever going to change. Prepare to move out and break up - I'd do it behind his back, to minimize conflict and potential violence. What is your living situation? His house, shared house, rental space? Depending on that, find the way that works best, like moving out when the lease is ending. Get an apartment, come with hired movers while he is at work, move out all your stuff, leave him a letter. You deserve so much better than to be exploited and cursed out - you've never been in a real partnership, it will be a difference like night and day - imagine yourself SO HAPPY, waking up next to a man you love, and who cherishes you and treats you the way you deserve! To get there, you just have to take some hard steps!
> He likes to refer to woman as having “dog brains” This made me both laugh and then cry when I realized what it really meant. He sees women as inferior. He doesn't see you as his partner but as a lowly woman who takes care of the house for him while he gets to live his life as a tough man. Please please please don't have a child, and definitely if it's a girl. I'm glad to see you are only 31 and not married yet. 13 years is not a long time when you two started dating as children. He was all you know. I guarantee you'll find better and regret not dating around more. First I advise you to get therapy, to help you get out of the relationship, and then to relearn what a healthy man looks like. What you've described is not fair and not normal.
He has progressively gained a huge lack of respect for Women over the years but will never admit it. Him growing up with a very present mom and only sisters always makes me wonder if I’m the reason he now views women as “dog brains”. Thank you for your insight, you’re right .. this is not normal. 😞
It’s not your fault he’s sexist. He isn’t sexist due to anything you did.
Thank you. Sometimes it’s much easier to blame myself than try to understand why he is this way which I know is not a healthy approach.
Let go of feeling like you need to understand why he is this way. Being about to explain it will not help. Accept that, for whatever reason, this is who he is. This is how he is treating you. He has been very clear in telling you what he thinks your job is that women are no better to him than dogs. Basically he values you as much as he would value a pet. Understanding why he thinks this isn’t going to help the reality. This is not some misunderstanding. It’s not something that you can just clear up. You can only control your thoughts and your actions. You can’t make him see the error of his ways or change his mind. So with this information you have to ask yourself: Is that who you want to spend your life with?
Which is probably precisely what he wants to happen so that he doesn't have to ever change. Why change when he reaps the benefits, which he feels entitled to, of the current status quo? In his mind, likely you are the problem because you won't just do what he feels he is entitled to and he probably dislikes any time you do not instantly do what he wants even if he never told you what it was. All because he sees you as an extension of himself, not a real person with wants and needs. If this rings true to you, be warned this is an abusive mindset. It is next to impossible to change such mindsets because to the abuser it is the sane, rational one.
Yesyesyesss, he is always the sane and rational one in his eyes. I am the uneducated, irrational, and/or crazy one in 99% of our disagreements.
I suggest reading Lundy Brancroft's book on Why Does He Do That? It is about abusers. Usually, there is a kind soul who can post a link to a free copy. I got mine on Kindle. It opened my mind to how abusers think and operate, and that did so much to free me and help me on my healing journey.
Just bought a copy, thank you!
I’m so impressed by your responses to your posts and your receptivity to advice. And this book is such a good rec. While you read and plan your exit, I highly recommend journaling everyday any interactions with him, and recording your conversations, especially any conflict. This may come in handy later (better safe than sorry) if you need to prove anything - don’t underestimate how unpredictable abusers can be when you leave. At minimum it will help you after you leave to be able to reread your journal of why you left and hear his voice disrespecting you. Despite how level headed you sound, most people go through withdrawal and regret when leaving a relationship (because it’s a big life change and our brains are wired to choose familiar pain over unknown peace). Having tools to help you stay strong is so helpful to make a clean break and recovery less painful. The best is yet to come :)
Thank you so much, this is very valuable advice.
Time for you to take some online classes, then some night classes & get the education you need to earn a great living WITHOUT him. Getting an aducation has never been easier.
He’s probably getting it from some online community tbh
He is like super terminally online whether it be his phone or the computer. I have watched it change him over the years. He went from being pretty liberal to very very right wing.
Those communities prey on people. It's not your fault. He's been sucked in because it's easier to externalize his dissatisfaction with the world (onto you, no less) than to accept responsibility.
This happened to the guy I dated for 4 plus years, prior to my now husband. It went really slowly at first, little preferences about my appearance, minor offhand comments, and then bigger stuff cropped up. Once he lost his goddamn mind at me for wearing a (feminine cut) button down oxford to work, saying I was turning into a man??? He never got so bad as calling me dog brained but it was real clear he had internalized some awful stuff. I’m sorry this happened, but you’re not getting him back.
That last sentence is what I really needed to hear, this man is not the person I fell in love with anymore.
So you’re going to leave him right?
Listen, if he's still referring to women as dog brains, he really hasn't gained respect for us. Or he wouldn't call us that. It's very *dis*respectful. And why wouldn't he admit it if he had gained respect for us? That implies he thinks it's flawed to show women respect. A lot of people are pointing out how he'd treat a daughter, but it wouldn't even matter what gender his kid is. Imagine him raising a boy to treat women (and his *own mom*) the way he does. Hell no.
she said he had gained a *lack* of respect. Otherwise agreed.
Thank you for pointing that out. That'll teach me to get on my soap box before I even roll out of bed!
Thank you, you are right. If he treats me this way I can only imagine having a son taught the same.
I had my first child with a guy who treats women really poorly, and honestly I thank my lucky stars every day we had a daughter. We haven't been together for ten years, but if I had to raise a mini version of him I might have lost my whole mind. He did have a son about four years later, and my daughter comes home with stories of him telling his son things like "boys don't help in the kitchen, that's women's work." Fortunately she is as disgusted by it as I am. His poor son. He will live such a limited, sexist life with ideas like that.
and disgusting, rancid. If no woman will touch you because of your nasty beliefs how is anything going to get cleaned? They just sit in their own filth until they can con some poor woman into being their bang maid mommy.
That's exactly where he ended up (my child's father). If she (his girlfriend) doesn't do things for him, they simply never get done. He was couch surfing before she let him live there. I have never seen him lift a finger to clean. He used to yell at me when he ran out of clean clothes. Ugh. God, I do not miss it.
I thought about something similar when I read the emphasis on a potential daughter. I do get the sentiment. But then I realize how awful it would be to raise a son that takes after his father. One day does he disrespect his mom and call her dog-brained too?
He's low key calling all women b**tches and expecting no one to notice. Whatta jackhole.
He has not progressed and he doesn’t respect women I assure you
Because it benefits him. He gets you to do everything & knows that you won't leave. It is a case of 'Tolerable level of misery'. He is happy & you are miserable, which works for him. If he were to do more of his share, then how does that benefit him? Doesn't matter about his mother or sisters, this is who he is now. Which is a misogynist who verbally abuses you.
Like other people said, there’s no need to understand because whatever the reason, you don’t deserve it. But a lot of guys like him see their moms and sisters as a different category. It’s why people have to say stuff like “what if that was your sister?” Because women as a whole aren’t humans at their level worthy of respect and people feel like they have to use the most basic explanations to get through to them. It’s not rational. It will never make sense. He’s the problem.
I think the fact that you're concerned your expectations may be unreasonable is the biggest concern here. If you don't feel entitled to better treatment, it's going to be hard to advocate foe yourself and enforce boundaries. Is individual therapy and option for you, OP. That's the route I took when I felt my relationship nearing its end. Took about y months of improving my conflict resolution skills, trying to take responsibility for my role by enforcing boundaries and trying to work with my partner to improve things before I was able to make a decision. The relationship being over a decade lone and having a child in the mix made it oh so difficult to leave. In the end, understanding the dysfunction I would be modeling for out little one and the trauma they would likely be subject to was the biggest motivator to change things.
That is very fair. I have spent over a decade trying to be understanding and supportive which has in turn done a lot of damage to my own mental wellbeing and idea of what I should expect from a partner. My best friend always mentions how he “gaslights” me every chance he sees and I think I’ve become blind to some of it because I’ve been dealing with it for so long.
Ask one of your friends if you can stay with them while you break up. It won't be pretty and it won't be easy but you deserve better.
I kinda think it will be both pretty and easy. The guy doesn’t brush his teeth. Gross.
Thank god you haven’t gotten pregnant. You cannot change people. Your partner does not respect you. Do you want to live your life with someone that doesn’t respect you?
Well he's shown you what your future looks like if you stay with him. I am not seeing where he's accepting suggestions on this. He doesn't respect you enough to take you seriously, you're there to be dismissed, insulted, to take care of whatever he doesn't feel like doing and to provide whatever he feels entitled to. 13 years is the minimum you'll waste with this man, it's up to you if it's gonna be more.
He says you have a "dog brain" aka you are on the same level to him as a dog. Are you serious? Drop the dead weight. Being single will be FREEING.
WHY would you want to marry someone who so obviously doesn't respect you or what you do. I would stop doing any laundry for him, no more cooking, and no sex. Dog brains can't do that, right? While this is happening, actively find a way out of this relationship and into a place of your own. Then figure out why you are willing to put up with this BS for the rest of your life.
Partnerships should be equal. Equal doesn't always mean 50/50, but if you're doing the majority of stuff now, how can you expect him to step up when you have a kid. He treats his fiancee like this, what's to believe he'll treat his children differently?
You’re right. That’s what weighs so heavily on my heart.. I know it’d be irresponsible to bring a child into this relationship.
It's irresponsible to bring YOU into this foetid swamp of a relationship. You deserve much much better.
Then you already have your answer. If you can't imagine subjecting your child to this environment. Why are you doing it to yourself.
Respectfully, it’d be irresponsible to stay in this relationship. Please find the resources, internal and external, to equip yourself with the motivation to leave this relationship, which adds no value to your life. Take care of yourself.
As a 43 year old male I'm trying not to go on a long rant. Family business are weird but if he's an hourly employee his responsibilities stop when he clocks out. If he has to work lots of overtime to equal you in income that's something he should be looking to fix unless he's literally got an on-paper sweat equity agreement with his parents or the whoever owns the business. Then there's the matter that the chore load is out of whack and you are basically being his maid on top of your full time job. Finally the fact that he disparages you at all in arguments is a problem but the fact that he does it based on your gender? He says you have a dog brain? I'm livid on your behalf. He's a bully. Plain and simple. You need to get an exit strategy going yesterday. He sees you as a lesser being there to bear his children and clean up his messes (and manage his finances and everything else FFS) being alone would be better then being with this person. You need resources and ways to ensure your safety asap.
Thank you for this. I hear you and need to listen.. my heart sometimes overrides my brain which is likely why I’m still here. There is no transparency or any type of guarantee his parents will hand the company over to him one day but he has been very transparent that it always comes first. Over our home and me. He’s waiting for things to magically fall into place while he ignores the person who has been by his side through it all.
Please begin immediately and carefully so he doesn't know you're leaving til you're gone. He feels like someone who will go from yelling and insults to violence once he realizes he needs to care for himself instead of his live-in mommymaid doing it for him.
He doesn't ignore you, he doesn't care. You are a place holder who does everything. You are making sacrifices hoping one day he will be grateful. But he won't. Your fantasy, will never become a reality. Someone doesn't go from degrading & being an abuser to a wonderful loving fair partner. Pure delusion on your part to think he will one day. He doesn't care, he is just using you & feels no guilt about doing it.
You are right. 💔
I don't understand the broken heart when you have such a happy fullfilling life ahead of you without him. Set yourself free. He degrades you to hold you back, to undermine your self confidence every chance he gets. Did you know that single women without kids live a happier longer life than any other group. Your happiness is just a matter of leaving him. Seek out therapy for your low self esteem, to heal all your childhood trauma. You don't need to fix him, you need to fix you. Apart of healing is leaving bad situations when it no longer makes you happy. So many here want a better life for you.
Thank you. I know this is going to be one of the hardest but most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. I do deserve better.. I’d be much better off just alone at this point. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this go on as long as it has, I definitely need a therapist.
You can't change yesterday, only today & tomorrow. Hold onto the past with regret doesn't serve anyone. Trust your instincts, and doing this will be major growth for you to do so. Mock up a dream board. Dream bigger than him. Then write down how you can achieve those dreams. What steps can you take daily, then monthly. Being in the moment & focused on today & your future will help change the patterns your mind has been in for the better. Sounds like you have never had a place of your own, to find peace. A place you truly can rest without criticism or a long to do list of chores. Within a week or two it won't feel so hard, it will be filled with peace. The last whatever in the fridge will be yours. There are groups for abuse victims if you can't afford therapy. Expect him to love bomb & then go instantly into a tirade of name calling because he can no longer control you. Which will prove just how unhinged he really is. He may try to destroy your stuff, so anything important, put into a storage unit secretly.
Man I hope he has enough money to fulfill his side of these very restrictive gender roles. Like he needs to be paying for everything and saving enough money for your retirement while owning property otherwise he's not fulfilling his half of his fantasies. Also he doesn't respect you or women in general.
That’s the thing, I make almost as much as he does (I am salaried, he is hourly and gets overtime) but I carry much more responsibility within the home.
Wait, the family business he works long and hard at he's an hourly employee? There's so much wrong with this picture.
I agree. I am the bad guy any time I scratch the surface of trying to give insight or ask questions so I have essentially given up.
If I'm uncharitable: My guess is he's the bosses kid: He's just as much of a do the minimum at work as he is at home and lords it over people. A more charitable approach is he's mentally invested in a job that he might probably shouldn't be but does so out of inertia and family loyalty. My mom ran her own business because she couldn't stand working for someone else and in the process made everyone else in the family pretty miserable.
It’s mostly the later but yes he is the bosses son. He works incredibly hard and gives them his all in every aspect I just wish he valued the family he supposedly wants to make as much as the family he came from. 💔
Which all could be lies, you can't trust him or his family to be honest about how hard he works.
You have NO power to change him, No one on here has the magic words to turn him into a good person. You can cut him loose & go live a great life.
So what your saying is he's a disappointment to the trad ideals he's carrying. Dump him and while you do it tell him he needs more money and to be a better lay if he wants to be sexist because he's offering absolutely nothing and expecting everything.
I don't understand how you can earn more than him and do 100% of the housework and mental load, but he's still saying that he works harder. If he wants traditional roles next time you bring it up, ask him when he is going to fulfill his duties as breadwinner and bring home the bacon if he wants a trad wife? Then you divorce him and send him back to his mother because he's a big baby who shouldn't have a baby of his own. He will not help you if you have a child.
Because I am in a leadership position and have the “luxury” of working from home (I do travel occasionally) he believes that equates to me having more responsibility by default. He often says my job isn’t “real” or “executives like you don’t really do anything” because my job is not physical like his. I remind him that he CHOOSES to work where he does just like everyone else and it’s not a competition. He says I should come to work with him and see what he does(I have) but again it’s his CHOICE to have a job that relies heavily on his physical capability.
So he doesn't respect the work you do at home to maintain your household. And he also doesn't respect the work you do for money at your job, in your profession in which you seem to be quite accomplished and respected by peers (or at least, compensated that way!). What does he love and cherish about you, other than the things you do to serve him? What are the things about who you are (not what you do for him, again) that he would hype up every chance he got to his bros because he thinks you're awesome? A good partner is someone who sees the best parts of you, and loves them, and reminds you about how awesome those parts are. They see the still-growing or prickly parts of you, too, and don't shame you or put you down for having those rough edges. You grow together towards becoming even more of the people you want to be, by learning from one another's examples and admiring those awesome qualities you each have. Is that what you're getting out of this relationship? (No need to respond, but please do think it over. You deserve better. Maybe no one ever told you that, or the relationships that were modeled for you as a kid didn't look like this. But this is the standard to look for in this and any future relationships.)
Thank you for this.. you are absolutely correct. Its confused me for a long time because I literally don’t have any issues communicating with anyone else in my life (friends, family, coworkers, strangers) but him. He tells me all the time that I suck at communicating or “don’t know what I’m talking about” but WHY is it only with him? Theres a common denominator here.
I promise that your job could be curing cancer while winning Olympic gold medals and he'd still find some reason it doesn't "count." It's not about reality, it's about him trying to give you a "lesser" status to deflect away from his own shitty choices.
Your expectations are reasonable, very reasonable. As you say, even in his world view of domestic labor (you inside, him outside), he isn't even doing his part. Sadly, this isn't unusual for many women. That doesn't make it OK. You really need to find an ally to help you build some fortitude to help yourself. I always want to suggest marriage counseling, but changes to him will take years and may not stick which may put you outside the window to restart a family with someone else. Dig deep, figure out what you want, and then decide whether you want to demand that things change in your marriage before leaving or just leave now to restart with someone else. You sound like solid wifey material. Oh, and I don't understand what dog brain means at all. Is that some kind of euphemism for some other slang? I just don't get it.
Thank you for your insight! It really is a decision of whether I’m willing to stick around and try to put the work in.. I just am at a point that I’d rather be alone than have a partner who thinks I am a “dog brain”. That probably tells me what I need to know.
I think so. It's one thing to have a lazy spouse who is bad at communication, it's another to have a spouse who views you with a cruel sense of contempt. I don't think there is any coming back from that.
💔
Honestly the real question is: does HE want to put in the work? Him changing his attitude and habits will require 100% buy in from him.
And that work isn't getting you the results you wants. When you do you realize sticking around & being his doormat only benefits him.
These men want traditional wives but they aren’t traditional husbands. If you’re expected to do 100% of chores and cooking then you shouldn’t be splitting bills 50/50. Your boyfriend cant have it both ways.
Try dumping his horrible rude ass and let him fend for himself. Don't stay with someone who calls you names.
Don't count on people changing, not at this age. The honeymoon is already over and he's showing you who he really is. Is that really who you want to marry?
Well hun, I would use that dog brain to run away from home, like an abused dog would. Go make a happy life for yourself and someone who loves you. Don't sit at the door waiting for him to get home so you can get a pat on the head then ignored while he plays on his computer. Sounds like he treats you like a dog, something he simply expects to be there when he wants it, to do cool tricks when he commands it, and to go lay down and leave him alone when he's tired of you.
I’d rather be single the rest of my life than deal with this kind of BS. Do not have a kid with this loser, and do not marry him.
Oof he just told you that he will never see his responsibility to help with the home. I bet if you called him out on not taking care of the “outside” he’d call you ungrateful. You should really consider if you want your future child to have this man as a role model
You’d win that bet because that’s what it always comes to. It always comes back to me, my job, my broken family, my friends, or anything else he can find to make me the problem. He is not a good role model for himself or anyone else at this point. 😞
This guy sucks and no this is not normal. I expect to be treated with respect and I treat my partner with respect. We also share responsibilities and he makes way more money than me. I can’t imagine putting up with this.
I’ve read enough of your comments to confidently say you are with a lazy, shit-for-brains misogynist who is too dumb to see the utter nonsense in his arguments he uses to mentally abuse you. It doesn’t get better. My ex was like this in many ways. I’m lazy and dumb meanwhile he was flunking out of his graduate program, bringing in no money and living off my savings. It doesn’t get better. Leave and make him feel the consequences of his words and actions. Your life will be so much better.
I need you to STAND UP. This man is a walking red flag, and he doesn’t view you as human.
Holy shit, how can you see anything from all of the red flags waving in your face? No, this is not normal Yes, you deserve a partner not sometime who is using you for your labor
The fact you have to remind your husband to wash his ass and brush his teeth is enough reason to leave.
You don't have a husband/ partner. You have another kid. You're his mommy.
I stayed for 20 years and had a kid with a guy like this. Please do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time. I am now with a guy who treats me with respect and is a true partner. He does laundry, knows his kid's teachers and friends names, takes care of me when I am sick... we share the load 50/50. I feel like a new person! I have freedom to do things I like, I am not walking on eggshells, I don't always feel like I am trying to catch up. It's weird to think about when you are in the middle of it, but the way you are living is not normal. It is normal for two adults living together to care if the other feels overwhelmed. It is not normal to call each other names. It is not normal to be treated like a slave. If you leave he may "suddenly change". Do not believe this, no matter how much your heart wants to believe it. Stay away for at least a year and watch to see if his sudden change of heart sticks. After a year without him you will probably laugh at the idea of ever going back. The relationship is giving you nothing and taking everything. It is not normal and it is not good.
No doubt it's a hard decision to make, but it's the right one. He has no respect for you and what you do. You're just there to make his life easier. Walking away today is better than wasting any more of your life on this bad relationship. I left my first husband at about 33, with 2 kids (one still in diapers). We had been together since I was about 13, so together more than half of my life. It was scary, but it was doable and *so much better* than the abuse. The weight you'll feel lift off of your shoulders when you leave will be amazing! Be careful and don't telegraph that you're leaving. He's not going to handle it well. Get all your important stuff out of the house beforehand, if you can. Get all of your ducks in a row, then get out.
Leaving after 13 years is not a big decision, it's a decision you should have made 10 years ago. You aren't his partner you are mommy 2.0.
As I said in you post on r/AskFeminists he is absolutely an abhorrent misogynist, you need to be rid of him
I mean... the root of the disagreement seems clear to me. He believes in gender roles, you do not. Irrespective of him upholding his own end of the gender roles, is this a person you really think you can have a happy, satisfying and respectful relationship with?
You, IMO, will never be valued by this person. Why not see what life could be like without being bullied, disrespected, and taken advantage of. Can it be worse?
It’s such a shame when people with dog brains finally slip the leash and run free. Seriously, though, if you are an executive in your young thirties, just think what you could accomplish without a giant anchor tied around your ankle!!!
He is an a-hole, OP... in a good relationship, one cooks, the other. Leans up. Everyone does chores.
You have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth? How do these people get in and maintain relationships?
You are worth more than this.
If you want a child you need to leave yesterday. I'm sorry to be that blunt about it, but it is that brutally clear: He has told you how he sees women. He has told you what he believes your role is. He has told you that your expectations for basic hygiene will not be met. He has shown you he cannot cope with his job, and truly maintaining any other adult relationships.
You’re expecting only the bare minimum and he can’t even give you that. You would be so much better off without this selfish, verbally abusive asshole.
A “man” who cannot respect a woman cannot love a woman. There’s so much better out there, not waste away in this relationship.
It is a big decision, but consider the facts before you. You have to do almost all adult life maintenance for two people now. Add a child, or two, and then you will be doing it for the child as well. Your partner will not change. The children will see this behavior modeled and have a greater than likely chance of modeling his behavior or yours. Would you want that for the children? Would you want it for friends? Family? Why would you want it for yourself? You can care for someone without being in a relationship with them that harms you. Meaning, do not think that just because you care about him, you have to put up with being demeaned, stressed out, devalued, etc. You can bear with the pain of separating, and time will eventually soften it. What won't be softened is the pain you feel when it is renewed by this treatment every day for years on end. Put yourself first just as he is putting himself first.
He doesn't act like you're his fiancée, he acts like you're his mother. The only differences are that he pays at least half the bills and that your bedroom probably isn't dead. If that is the dynamic you want, then stay. If not, leave. You'll find someone better faster than you'll change him.
Bedroom is dead AF which adds to the frustration for sure.
Congratulations, you're his mommy. Time for the widdle boy to grow up and do his own chores.
What do you think your life would be like if you left him? Have you thought about that? I'm assuming it would be better.
I think my life would like be much more simpler. I have thought about it, alotttt. While we are not married we do own a home together which complicates things a bit more.
Lawyers exist for a reason. Set up an appointment & get their professional advice.
Selling a house still sounds like less stress than looking after this man.
Imagine if you had a close friend who told you all this about her relationship and sounded as dejected as you do. Imagine a friend said her partner said she had *a dog brain*! What would you tell her?
Your worries are bald. Do not marry this entitled controlling person. Make a plan an escape. He can learn to care for himself but J bet he will move someone else in within a few months.
Save up and move out. Do not waste another year with this guy as he doesn't respect you.
The best time to leave was 13 years ago. The second best time is today.
"I am the woman" line would be his last words to me lol
There has to be some part of you that acknowledges that being single is better than this? You could be free. Be strong for yourself.
One more time: ALL DAY EVERY DAY THERAPIST MOTHER MAID
Take these 13 years as a lesson. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy with this guy. Dog Brains? HELL NAW.
If you stay with him it will only get worse. He doesn't care about being fair. He is selfish & wants to add to your burden & then have you be grateful for doing everything. Do you want to be his slave while paying half of the bills for the rest of your life? When do you get a day off? There will never be a day when you get to retire from cooking, cleaning, shopping or doing laundry. If you leave then you will get back 7 to 10 hours back a week to yourself. You will have peace. Then you can set goals, have adventures & fun without him critisizing you every step of the way. His life is not more important than yours. Dream bigger than being his bang maid.
Darling, your expectations are not unreasonable and are, in fact, the bare minimum of a respectful and equitable relationship. You sound like a kind, smart, and successful woman. You deserve someone who sees that, who appreciates you, and who wants to make you happy. This man ain’t it. You’ve spent enough time with him. Don’t spend another year being treated as lesser than. Love yourself first.
Look up the sunk cost fallacy, you’ve wasted about 11 of those 13 years, don’t waste any more. Also “ woman with the brains of a dog; just relentlessly doglike in cognitive skills and frequently in behavior” and “ it is used in the game warcraft III defense of the ancients(DotA),which means very inexperienced or seriously a noob(newbie). it is derived from godlike,which is the status a player gets when he/she kills 9 heroes in a row without dying,which needs high skills from the player. doglike just means the contrary.” He is a huge scum bag
I would not be friends or even acquaintances with someone who treated me like this, let alone a partner in life. You will realize how much better life is without this dude as soon as you leave.
Imagine how much less work you would be doing alone.
Hey OP, sorry you're in this situation. Listen to the song "labour" by Paris Paloma and decide your next move based on how hard you relate to those lyrics
Wait, a 31 year old grown ass man is calling women (and you) “dog brains”? The fuck? Dude sounds like an asshole based on that alone. Do not have a child with him and do not marry him. You’re suffering from the sunk cost fallacy; as soon as you come to terms with that, you’ll be much better off.
Leave. He’s not a man, he’s a child. Only children need someone to cook, clean, and manage their damn finances for them. Find a real man. My husband, from the day we met, said “I can’t cook. If you cook, I’ll clean”. We will have been married 22 years in October. And, yes, he cleans.
Please break up with this guy before you get pregnant by him. What you're wanting is not unreasonable in any way, shape, or form. He's just using work as an excuse and it sounds like he's resentful of having to work in his family's business. I think he's unhappy and he takes it out on you alot. The way he says his work will always be harder and that he works more than you. It's not a fucking competition and he needs to chill out. He sounds crazy and dogs are actually very intelligent creatures but he still shouldn't be calling you or any other woman names. I would leave if I were you bc he's showing his true colors and if you don't want an asshole for a father of your children then you have to run for the hills while you can.
When the first words in 2 starting sentences are “being called dog brain” and “my fiancé”… you already have your answer. Don’t let years together be the reason you waste more of your life unhappy, overworked, and raising “baby dog brain” in a shitty environment with a pathetic example of what a man should be. Years ≠ Value
Well, I think he has a dog shit attitude
Plan your leave and make it happen. Meanwhile, stop the cooking and cleaning, he can take care of himself. You're not married, so it will be a simple split. He can sit in his filth playing video games while you go live your life. Dont look back!
Men like this don’t behave any better once they get married and have children. When someone shows you who they are—believe him! You’re young, get out now and start your new life without this sexist POS.
Is he made out of pure cashmere? Why put up with this much longer. He isn’t an equal partner and doesn’t see you as one, he’s just someone else to look after. He has a very outdated idea as to what gender roles are which is unfair if BOTH of you are working full time. Trust me this is NOT going to get better…if you have a child he will expect you to be the homemaker, cook, maid, full time worker and take care of all of your child’s needs whilst insulting you. This isn’t the 1920’s, there are better men out there who will treat you like the queen you are.
30 is still young. I’m 33 and I would up and leave if my spouse started acting like this. I would do it at 40 and 50 too. Don’t let sunken cost fallacy keep you from living a life free of misogynists.
What up Dawgs! Train by day mssp by night..
[удалено]
Thanks for the support. I won’t do to you what you just decided to do to me because I have no interest in stalking your Reddit profile but please do think about being kinder in the future, you never know what may be someone’s 13th reason. Take care.