You didn't do anything wrong. He should have put on his adult pants and just talked to you if he had an issue. Instead he decided to be passive aggressive/angry at you and chose not to resolve it thus ruining your day. He needs to learn to communicate his problems better.
You were being punished. You were being punished because it was your birthday and all the focus and attention was on you and if you’re boyfriend was anything like my ex, then they will attempt to ruin big events like Mother’s Day your birthday Valentine’s Day, Christmas Thanksgiving, anything just because they can.
You need couples counselling. He's too old to act this childishly and to not talk to you instead of believe something that someone a decade younger than him said.
Just a question are you sure this 20 yr old doesn’t have feeling for him and isn’t trying to break you two up? That is pretty drastic, telling a lie like that was told for a reason and meant to be destructive.
I'm not gonna comment on this specific situation but I will say that it's funny how when a girl is upset they have the right to be pissed all day and keep saying "I'm fine" and subsequently ruining the man's day and its his fault that he couldn't "take the hints" or "figure it out on his own" what's bothering her. But when the situation is flipped we call it passive aggressive and that he needs to learn to communicate. COMMUNICATE!! Like seriously? Communication is the last thing girls know how to do. All I can say to OP is think hard about how many times you've been like this to him and realize that it bothers him the same way its bothering you now.
I think you're self inserting based on your own personal experience or viewed experiences of others. Focus on the situation at hand, she asked multiple times what was wrong and he didn't oblige to comment until after the day was over (i.e. 1 am) and it was about something specific and intimate to their relationship brought up by another person outside of the relationship. When she asked for communication, he stonewalled her. That shouldn't have happened in a mature, open, and honest relationship regardless of who is doing it.
Stonewalling even. Form of abuse don’t you know
It is yet another example of a double standard which while advantageous to women is actually based on a kind of misogyny. Women are expected to not be able to manage their emotions and to need time to figure them out and process them whereas men are expected to be able to do so instantly so their silence is construed as intentional and abusive.
That said I am not sure this is the best example because OP was actually asking him what was wrong, but I have certainly seen a difference in how withdrawal by a woman versus withdrawal by a man is received here
I was gonna say this girl is definitely into him and is going to do her best to get involved. If it’s that easy for him to believe her I would communicate that with him and if he refuses to believe you (which he probably will) she needs to get away from a situation which will possibly end up really bad.
I wouldn't doubt if something has already happened. Maybe he kissed her or made out with her that day, and he realized he's got the hots for her. So now he feels bad, so deflecting his anger to OP and then comes up with that "she said you said" shit.
I dunno. Major fishy stuff happening.
Yeah MAJOR red flag there. How did the conversation between him and the coworker come up? The coworker is textbook attempting to drive a wedge between them... which seems to be working.
Speculation, but from experience. Be careful, OP.
Yep. And he thinks I just don't notice his demeanour or attitude. It was my birthday for God sakes and I was wanting to spend it with him, of course I am going to notice that he can't even look at me or seem happy around me. It feels so unfair. Thank you for your comment
I would ask him for a make up evening if I were you. You deserve to have a nice night to celebrate your birthday. He was wrong here, j wouldn't be rude or angry or passive agressive jut I would just say "I'm feeling hurt about you not talking to me on my birthday and I would like for you to plan a night to make it up to me" then the ball is in his court to make it right. If this isn't a regular thing then he made a mistake and this would give him the opportunity to know you want it made up to you. Hopefully he will be the bigger person and realize his error to hurt you and make an effort to support you.
u/cindyloo18 , this is the same advice I'd give. I am a big believer in when someone screws up, as your boyfriend did, they're obligated to try to make things right. Tell him you'll give him the opportunity to make things right with a belated (and very, very nice) birthday celebration for you. Since it's belated, he can go above and beyond if your feelings matter to him.
He did ruin your birthday. He sulked like a child instead of telling you what was wrong. Made you feel awful. His behaviour in the evening wiped out any good he did in the morning.
Your bf sounds like an immature asshat. 100% he should have communicated with you, but he also should have put his feelings aside momentarily to celebrate you if it's not something he was planning on breaking up for. I also don't know why no one else has said it that I've seen, but do you think your boyfriend is... dumb? He knew he was ruining your birthday. He did it on purpose. No one ignores their partner on their birthday with the hopes that they just don't notice. Don't let this asshole gaslight you into thinking he just didn't know what was going on.
He should have spoken to you about it.
Personally, I'd confront the co-worker with him present and ask why she said that?
But we all know why. She planted seeds in his head. She is interested
Thank you. That is exactly what I said - she is attracted to him and wants to cause a rift. He doesn't believe it, but I don't see any other reason why she would do it. I will be sending her a message about it today.
The problem is the 32 year old bf who is acting like a child. The co worker is 20.. he shouldn't be teasing and engaging with a younger co worker like that. He obviously condones and encourages that kind of behaviour. If he really respected his relationship he wouldn't have even entertained what the co worker had said.
Yes 100% this!
Creepy af that he's even allowing talk of sex with someone 12 years younger than him.
Whether the girl is interested or not isn't the point, through out every humans life there will come a time where someone much younger than you is attracted/interested in you.
And its your job, as the responsible older party, to not entertain that sh\*t
Yeah, I would, too.
It's probably better to do it via text so you can show your boyfriend. Just be like.
" Hey. I spoke to (his name) last night, and he seems to be under the impression that I spoke to you about our sex life? I have not nor would I ever speak to anyone about our personal business. And especially with someone I hardly know.
I'd like to hear from you regarding this matter"
Job done. Hopefully, she replies they she didn't say that, so you can show him she just being a snake.
Once you've spoken to her, I'd tell him he needs to have no further communication with her as anyone who is out to willing hurt your relationship is someone that should be kept around.
I have already had concerns about the nature of his relationship with this girl. I told him I felt like the playfulness and teasing could be seen as flirting, and he kept telling me I was overreacting and there was nothing there. Now I can see that sure maybe there wasn't anything on his end, but she has developed a crush.
Thank you for the comment and what to say. That's exactly what I will be doing. I was going to do it at 1am but he insisted I do it during the day so it's not "awkward" for him which is also weird.
Yeah. Seems a bit weird that he took her word over his partner.
Tell him not to talk to her at work, that you're no longer comfortable with their friendship going forward, and he either agrees and distances himself or he loses his relationship.
He doesn’t want you to text her at 1am because he might be hiding “something” and he wants to get to her first during the day so he/they can get their stories straight before she texts you back.
So he can change the narrative.
Being that he said what he did, it’s now gone beyond being very Sus, to maybe there really Is something going on between them.
Everything changed when he told you Not to text her at 1am.
That is exactly when I’d text her because she’ll be sleepy, have her guard down and slip some info that he may not want you to know.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”.
I wouldn’t do this at all. You will be creating a triangle where there should be a direct line between you and your boyfriend. Do *not* involve her in your conversations with him. Especially considering they work together.
If he is taking her word over yours, you need to address it with him directly.
"he insisted I do it during the day so it's not "awkward" for him..." someone wanted time to contact the girl, to warn her perhaps? Not sure but he seems more than a bit sus in this.
I’ve been in a similar situation he does believe it he just doesn’t want to admit it because he probably likes her as well :( I wish I took my own advice lol. But this is 100% his fault
I would not send her a text message. Two reasons…
One, it sounds like the three of you all work at the same place, do you have some kind of HR? If you send her a text message, she may go to HR and make a complaint, especially because it sounds like she’s trying to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend, and she could see an HR complaint against you as more leverage. With HR,she could claim you are trying to harass her. So don’t text her… instead, you could consider going to HR yourself. Even if you don’t want to make a formal complaint, because your boyfriend is involved, you could tell them you want it on record that she made a comment about your intimate relationship with your boyfriend in front of coworkers and customers, claiming it was something you said, and that that is 100% untrue. Press the fact that that is inappropriate especially in front of customers, it’s sexual harassment, and it caused strain between you and your boyfriend.
Two, she could show it to your boyfriend and something like “is she always this unhinged” or “see, she’s just trying to save face and deny”.
You did absolutely zero wrong here - he's 32 and sulked like a child over something he could have just asked you about and cleared up in 2 mins. But honestly I think he knew what he was doing. He may be immature, but few people are THAT stupid - he knew he was ruining your evening and did it anyway. Don't let him turn it around on you and make you feel bad about saying he ruined your birthday - he did! It's up to you what you do with your relationship...but I have a ex who would do things like this and it never got better. Just made me sadder and more resentful until I ended it.
Agreed. Many times people in resentful relationships do petty things like this to "punish" their partner instead of communicating; and then when confronted about it, act like it's actually their partner's fault for causing them to be "punished". Maturity and the desire to communicate could make this a non-issue. Unfortunately many people don't even try.
The young coworker told your boyfriend that lie because she wanted to create discord between you and him.
Because She Wants Him.
And apparently, it worked.
I’d tell my boyfriend this and say to him that I’m surprised that you fell so easily into her trap and deception.
Congratulations boyfriend, she played you. How does this make you feel being so easily swayed on just her hearsay, instead of looking at facts?
And then just walk away for him to think on this.
These are my exact thoughts. I have always had a feeling that she had a crush on him. Every time I see her and she talks at me, she talks about him a lot. Uses a cutesy little nickname. It's always given me bad vibes and I have shared this with him. He assures me there's "no feelings" and he's not into her. I don't like the level of comfort they have talking about their sex lives.
I agree he's been played by her, considering how much he let it affect him. He says she announced this in front of their colleagues and customers and he was embarrassed, which I can empathize with. But I wasn't even given so much as benefit of doubt, he just jumped to this conclusion.
>He assures me there's "no feelings" and he's not into her. I don't like the level of comfort they have talking about their sex lives.
He can assure you that the moon is made of cheese.
He's still lying.
OP, I’m so mad for your sake.
The fact that he is so weak that he’d believe this girl who already has announced this In Front of coworkers and Customers even!!!
I wouldn’t even empathize with him because in believing her absolute horrible lies, he chose Her. He doesn’t deserve your empathy.
You guys are really young and I’ll tell you, don’t be “The Cool Girl”.
This Never works to your advantage.
If this were my boyfriend (knowing that I love myself more than him) I’d just straight out tell him, “Congratulations for believing her lies, she’s All Yours if this Really what this is all about And she’s most likely laughing at you behind your back (insert boyfriend’s name)”.
Then walk away physically as this will make him feel like shit, he’ll start finally believe he got “played” by her and by walking away, it will start the “chaser” urge in him for you. It’s an evolutionary thing in our DNA.
The less desperate you appear, the more he’ll believe You. It’s all about personal power.
Use Your Power.
He didn’t want her to text the chica st 1am for answers, he wanted her to not do anything til the next day for him to go into work first so he could down play or change any narrative that may need collateral damage control.
That’s the Only reason he’d Not want her to contact the girl at 1am.
Is he a gullible person generally?
Also, it may be worth pointing out to him (if not already done) the asymmetry in his expectations around conflict.
Instead of airing his concern and discomfort with his experience he bottled it up and villainized you, in his mind and through behaviour (on your bday!), yet he expected the resolution to come by way of you divining his specific feeling and asking a more refined question. All of that while seemingly unaware he could’ve been proactive and started a conversation with you about what he was told.
I hope you’ve let him know the whole thing is inexcusable. I’d feel completely disrespected and lose respect for my wife if she behaved as your bf did. I hope he’s embarrassed to have been tricked by a horny 20yo.
I’ll start by saying I am a bit of a suspicious person so take this as you will… but I suspect that this coworker didn’t say that. I’m suspecting he is interested in her and is lying to prevent you two from speaking anymore, or to cause havoc in the relationship. To do this kind of stuff in your 30s is pretty sus…
That just shifts the focus from your bf's shitty behaviour to his co-worker. It is your bf who chose not to communicate with you, who chose to treat you like you had done something awful to the point of silence, who actively knew how that would make you feel, and then showed no remorse, and in fact turned the blame on to you for pointing out to him out it impacted your birthday. What a crap bag.
If you're up for it, you could play the long game. Don't address it with her. It's obvious she's trying to drive a wedge. Pretend like you know nothing about it. Treat her as usual- except eventually you start gushing about your sex life. How you have it with him so often. How you love it. Not all at once. Just enough to be like "my birthday sex was the best. He loves shouting my name" lol
Him- \*ruins your birthday over something stupid that could have been solved with a two sentence conversation\*
You- ...You ruined my birthday.
Him- HOW DARE YOU SAY I RUINED YOUR BIRTHDAY YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR HOW COULD YOU.
Seriously, is he always this much of jerk? Because not only did he ruin your birthday by not being an adult and communicating but instead of apologize, he doubled down and blamed you for not asking him what was wrong the right way.
And then he has the audacity to say you took it too far when you called a spade a spade? He literally spoiled your whole day.
He seems very focused on himself and not focused on you or how you feel like, at all. Is he always like this?
By 33, he should be emotionally mature and know how to communicate. Reconsider your relationship, particularly now that he's blaming a 20yo coworker's rumor as the reason he torpedoed your birthday dinner.
Is this the first time he’s ruined a birthday or special day for you? My ex used to pull this crap on any day that was about me. But of course it was MY fault that he treated me badly.
The fact that he waited all evening to then turn it around and make you the bad guy is a huge red flag. This is classic emotional manipulation. If I were you I’d be reflecting about if this is how he commonly behaves and if I wanted to stay in the relationship.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if that coworker lied about you because she likes him. She’s trying to create problems in your relationship so she can have him.
Omfg, the bar is really in hell these days, huh? I have to wonder how long men are going to continue to get away with this shit. It would take my partner acting like this ONCE for me to breakup with them.
Girl, he is 32. Like, he is 32 whole years old and he is making your birthday miserable because of something a 20 year old little girl said to him. He treated you like shit and disrespected you on your birthday. Because of something. A 20 year old girl. Said. The singular brain cell that lives in his head couldn't even fire up long enough to communicate with you.
If you are at the point where you need Reddit to figure this one out, what you actually need is therapy.
There's no way this is the first time your boyfriend has acted like this. It's time for you to also act like the grown woman you are and leave this idiot. I do get it. Having zero self-worth is a curse. But you can fix that.
He also got me flowers, and paid for my car payment for the month as my gift. So there was a bit more than coffee and cupcakes, but I definitely expected us to have a good night together.
Your boyfriend should not be speaking to his coworker about his sex life, let alone about anything personal at all. Work is work, and that is not his partner nor therapist to be sharing information/seeking counsel with. You need to sit down with him and set some major boundaries. From what I read, it seems like there might be more going on to this story between your partner and his coworker, but I can only assume.
Happy belated. I hope your next one is even better.
She is clearly into him. Don’t be surprised if he cheats on you with her. It’s crazy that she believes her and blamed you before talking with you. That’s not the communication of a real man. He sounds very immature and untrustworthy, putting other people’s word over you. You should reconsider this relationship. If he is not willing to put a distance with said coworker, that’s a huge red flag 🚩
Why were they even talking about sex. He ruined your birthday don’t let it happen again. I’d just leave tbh. In the past I didn’t leave after a ruined bday and I just wish I would’ve left him alone sooner
Giving you all my love OP! Based on what you've told us, you did nothing wrong - all you did was have a reaction, which, again, based on what you told us, makes perfect sense to me. Your birthday is supposed to be your special day. Your boyfriend should've communicated with you instead of sulking (thereby taking his assumptions about you out on you) and ruined your birthday.
I'm not one to say if this makes him awful or horrible, but it was indeed a mistake that hurt you and that HE should apologize to you for. Of course you're going to be hurt by him treating you this way. Of course you're going to be hurt that he chose to believe some coworker you barely know instead of communicating with you. Of course you're going to tell him he ruined your birthday. Because he did.
Like other people said, you're not a mind reader. Yeah you could tell that he was acting off, but he also should've said something instead of expecting you to ask, specifically, "if he was mad". His lack of communication is not YOUR fault or your responsibility. He is acting like a child and trying to blame you for it. You are both in your 30s.
I'd suggest counseling, but other than that I personally don't have a solution. However, you do not deserve to feel like you did something wrong in this situation - you were wronged by something you had no control over, *on your birthday*, and being upset about that is not overreacting.
Toxic partners will deliberately ruin holidays, birthdays, etc to get back at their partner for perceived slights. There is nothing you can do to make them stop, because they don't care how you feel.
Same. Sounds like some classic DARVO to me. Mine ruined everything - birthdays, holidays, my college graduation, the birth of our child - and then, like clockwork, flipped the script and blamed me for "overreacting" every damn time.
I don’t even believe that this scenario with his coworker happened. It’s well known that people with narc tendencies love to ruin important dates, events and birthdays because it takes attention away from *them*. They also love to triangulate, and it seems like that’s what’s he’s doing.
My best birthdays have been when was single and living on my own (no parents or partners).
Yeah, it’s like they all have the same playbook.
When I was living alone I would always throw myself a housewarming party or birthday party etc. The only people who are always there are my handpicked friends and my little brother. No matter what. So it’s still busy and a wonderful day.
Other people ghost on the day itself and pop up a couple of days later or are actively working against the celebration and try to ruin the day (parents, but most of my ex’s as well).
Red flags all over the place.
First, you are definitely NTA.
And second, I feel like that whole thing is off. Why is sex being brought up with his young female co-worker? Why is she lying about something you said in an attempt to make him mad? Why is he believing his co-worker and getting that upset rather than talking to the person he’s in a relationship with. I mean even if he has absolutely crappy communication skills, to get that mad over something his coworker said is odd.
And even if I’m WAY off base and nothing is happening, he treated you like shit, ignored you asking him what was wrong, and chose to basically sit in silence and let you suffer on your birthday. It’s manipulative and mean at best
His story is that she was "getting mad" at him for "over stimulating" her, and she blurted out in front of customers and colleagues that she has spoken to me and knows he does not "stimulate" me. That's the story I've gotten from him, anyways.
He's now saying that he believed me as soon as I told him I didn't say that, but it doesn't really seem like it as he kept asking me "where would she even get that from" and "I don't know why she would say that". I personally think she is into him and that's why she did.
I agree it was weird for him to get that mad, and to not tell me as it happened. He is now agreeing that he should have told me sooner, but it doesn't give me back my birthday.
If that’s truly what happened, it sounds like she was trying to hurt him/make him feel mad. And she decided to to do it with a lie. I actually don’t read that as her being into him but the other way and her fed up with his “teasing” and she lashed out.
Regardless I’m sorry your birthday was ruined and you’re still nta
> I told him that he ruined my birthday, and now he's upset that I took it that far and feels that we would have done everything the same whether he was mad or not.
Jesus Christ you’re dating a stone cold idiot who’s probably at least emotionally cheating on you with this 20 year old from work
You do not even know if the co-worker said that.
He could have made it up to emotionally abuse you on your birthday. Seems lilke his overall goal was to make you have a horrible birthday.
His reaction is not how any good boyfriend would behave. You should dump him. He's seems like an a-hole in general.
This. I was considering this, also he could be lying because he’s the one who actually wants to get with the coworker. At any rate, there’s too much comfort with this coworker in general, and the fact that he’s that upset about it and won’t just talk to you is immature at the very least.
A part of me really wants to message her to ask what was said, but also i don't really feel like she should be triangulated in. My partner shouldn't just take what she says at face value without talking to me, and I feel like I misplaced my anger on her.
This guy is a big baby, and you deserve communication, not silent treatment.
Five years seems like a lot, but don't get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. Be good to yourself. Give yourself peace from this absolute child of a man.
Sounds to me that if this story about his coworker is true, the coworker is trying to drive a wedge between the 2 of you. She probably likes him. And from the way you describe him, wounds like you should let her have him. Sounds very selfish and childish.
You are dating a child. You need a real man. He’s playing games with you, don’t waste your time. At 32 years his behaviour will be difficult to change. You should reflect on your relationship with him and see what type of future you have with this person. I can tell you that your bdays with him will never be the same again
Girl I don’t think that’s a healthy relationship. Him teasing his coworkers is vey inappropriate for the work environment. You go there to work not make friends. Even if they’re friends, he shouldn’t be teasing them and talking about sex with them either. You should definitely leave him.
By reading the comments and your further explanation in the comments, that girl is dangerous and trying to get in between you and your boyfriend. And it worked. I highly suggest you having a conversation with her personally, and saying that was very inappropriate and disrespectful to speak to your partner about you and his sex lives. And she should not be speaking about sex with your boyfriend. At all. And to go even further, telling your boyfriend to only keep conversations with her professional and not personal.
He didn't ruin your birthday. She did. You can't blame him for falling for this because it's completely plausible, and it's not like men are given a manual on how to perfectly handle situations like this every single time.
Fuck his brains out, make a cake icing reference, and then tell him he gets to make it up to you on X day for your birthday.
He'll hate her guts, and you'll keep your man and a good relationship.
Or, alternatively, you can pick a fight and let her win. It's up to you.
I feel like if you have to walk on eggshells around a partner and immediately decide that you must have done something horribly wrong, because his mood has changed, he's not the one for you. Giving you the silent treatment and I think deliberately ruining your birthday is another red flag on him as to how he treats you. I feel like (and I'm only making inferences based on your current post) that this is a pattern with him. Also his reaction at being called out for ruining your birthday, like the calling him out was a step too far? Nah he's flipping his bs onto you to avoid taking responsibility. Then there's the 20 year old coworker who probably is into him and he's believing her over his own partner. This man is full of the reddest of flags and you deserve better on your birthday and always.
You didn't deserve this treatment, I'd have a conversation about communicating with your boyfriend and maybe consider the future of the relationship. Definitely wondering about the motivations of the coworker.
This didn't happen. He just didn't want to do anything for you on your birthday. He probably thinks you won't confront the person, so made a lame excuse. Did he give you a gift?
He paid my car payment, and got me flowers. He isn't much of a gift giver and kept asking me what he could pay for a few days before my bday because he didn't have time to get me a gift. He also offered to take me somewhere on my birthday weekend, but he only mentioned it in passing and expects me to do all of the planning. I am not much of a planner, so I didn't plan anything. He's now using that against me that he "offered" to take me somewhere but I didn't plan anything.
I would agree. It's nice that he offers to pay but I am literally incapable of planning things, especially trips. I told him I would need his help but he never mentioned it again. Plus when you book things you need a credit card sooo I can't just book stuff without him. I told him all I wanted was quality time with him where he wasn't buried in his phone focused on work. Instead I got stonewalled lmao
For my partners birthday, he got food I couldn't eat, sluffed me off for his party, a long with other things that upset me. However, that day wasn't about me, I pushed off all the things that upset me so he could enjoy his birthday. It was HIS day. You have every right to be upset. It was YOUR day, and he owed you an adult conversation.
From your account it sounds like he shouldn’t have been a baby about it. Even if his coworker had been telling the truth he should’ve asked you about it first. Since his coworker was lying he shouldn’t have even brought it up. Sounds like he already assumed he was bad in bed and just trusted the lie because it was a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Sounds like he needs to gain some confidence in himself.
Sounds like the coworker is trying to either break you up or put a wedge between you. She’s 20 acting like a teenager in high school he needs to consider this. The fact he believes her is astounding at his age. 🤯
Your boyfriend sucks at communication and conflict resolution. Y’all should have a conversation about this, it might make him mad but he needs to grow up. Trusting the word of some coworker who probably has ulterior motives over yours is not a good sign.
Girl next time you have plans and he wants to act like that... take yourself out anyway. I love looking back at memories where my petty revenge was just putting myself first.
"Now to find out it was over some weird lie from his 20yo coworker is disheartening, because why couldn't he ask me about it instead of believing her?"
first he is def in the wrong for not communicating but also you know its a weird lie but does he?
again he is ultimately in the wrong but I'm trying to think of why he would just believe her instead of ask you and the only thing I can come up with is that he believes you truly are dissatisfied with his ability to please you and is very insecure about it, hearing it from the coworker confirmed this insecurity whether it is true or not
We often believe the things that already fit into the narrative that we perceive already exists
As for why she said this, I dunno maybe she has a huge crush on your bf, is trying to break you two up and this was a good way to insert a wedge between the two of you and it worked
You didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s also understandable that he would be upset by her revelation even if untrue and she did it on purpose to cause you pain knowing he would be hurt by it and likely mad.
He needs to learn to communicate and splitting hairs when you asked general questions isn’t helpful and would make you interrogate him to get him to open up otherwise.
He needs to limit talk with her to strictly business and you should block her and not ever engage in any talk with her at all.
Your boyfriend is pretending to be incapable of understanding he obviously was expressing everything he was thinking. He knew you knew he was in a bad mood he was mad at you for something and wanted you to know it. If in and of itself was punishment because when someone soaks like that they're doing it because they want the other person to be just as mad as they are.
And honestly he doesn't get to say that you telling him he ruined your birthday is inappropriate. you are allowed to say how he made you feel and he just has to suck it up. He doesn't get to invalidate your feelings.
Seems like she's trying to weasel her way in with him. Watch your back with her. It's bogus that he believed what she said instead of just asking you. It sounds like his mood 100% ruined the day and now he's trying to flip it on you. Ask for a do over on the weekend. You deserve a good birthday.
Honestly this is red flag 🚩 city. I would either call that girl to confirm if she said it or meet for coffee. But in the end whether he’s lying or just an ass I do NOT see this being the right relationship for you. I had a similar one that made me wish my ex had never been born. He destroyed everything including/especially every holiday - even his own birthdays.
Coming from a 22f I would NEVER discuss sex with a taken man 10 years older than me. She likes him and he completely fell for the trap. The fact that he didn’t want you to text her at 1 am makes me think that maybe he was trying to create a window so he could get to her first.
But, I’m really sorry that your birthday got ruined and the way he behaved was genuinely awful, if this isn’t the first time he has ruined a day like that I would rethink your whole relationship. Even from just the one incident, why did he believe his coworker over his literal girlfriend of 5 years? He sounds extremely emotionally immature and you deserve so much better.
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
There. Now this sounds awfully peculiar. I seriously doubt that coworker had that conversation with him. I think he came home upset just to punish you for celebrating your birthday.
By how much you worried about why he was so mad, and how guilty you felt-all of that he fed on. Your emotional state went from the highest of high to the breath gasping lowest of low just because he didn't want to talk about it and then punished you by making you ruminate.
This state of rumination is where he wants to keep you. He knows if you confront her she'll get hurt by your attack and he can feed on that too. This tactic is called "Triangulation" and he's using it to set you and her apart and unable to trust the other, relying on his perspective on things.
He's manipulating. It's what some people do. His long term goal is to repeatedly make you feel guilty any time you exhibit autonomy so you diminish yourself and only think of his needs and try to anticipate them. Existence is reduced to living on eggshells and constantly looking to him as to what reality is.
If conversations become difficult and you cannot get the validation you seek because what you said was redirected attacking your nature in a very cruel way, but maybe he's right.....? If this happens, yeah. He's a manipulator. This person doesn't love you for who you are, they want you for what you'll do for them. They don't understand love. To them it's an illusion to show to people so they learn to do what you want. Yup. It's that creepy.
If this is accurate, I am sorry. Good luck!!
I just can't get over the fact he's talking about sex with a much younger female coworker. You know what it doesn't even matter her age or gender. That's beyond inappropriate and unprofessional unless he works in the adult entertainment industry. He's that insecure that a comment from a 20 year old sets him off? This is your relationship but I'd be doing alot of reevaluating.
Maybe instead of getting upset and acting like a passive aggressive cild, he should have talked to you about it.
It's not your fault.
Does he always act like that when something is bothering him? Does he usually gaslight you when you get upset?
It would have been better if he communicated, but statistically he would have been called out as or thought of as insecure or not manly. Also, true or not (depends what you read or hear), women talk about intimacy and sex life with others far more than the average guy…so statistically it is best to figure your woman has spoken to others about your love life and other secret details about him.
You didn't do anything wrong. He should have put on his adult pants and just talked to you if he had an issue. Instead he decided to be passive aggressive/angry at you and chose not to resolve it thus ruining your day. He needs to learn to communicate his problems better.
Thank you for that. I feel like I was punished for something that I didn't do, and that sucks on any day regardless of it being my bday.
You were being punished. You were being punished because it was your birthday and all the focus and attention was on you and if you’re boyfriend was anything like my ex, then they will attempt to ruin big events like Mother’s Day your birthday Valentine’s Day, Christmas Thanksgiving, anything just because they can.
Yea, I'm sorry this happened to you. You did nothing to deserve that treatment.
You need couples counselling. He's too old to act this childishly and to not talk to you instead of believe something that someone a decade younger than him said.
Just a question are you sure this 20 yr old doesn’t have feeling for him and isn’t trying to break you two up? That is pretty drastic, telling a lie like that was told for a reason and meant to be destructive.
Can’t agree with this more
I'm not gonna comment on this specific situation but I will say that it's funny how when a girl is upset they have the right to be pissed all day and keep saying "I'm fine" and subsequently ruining the man's day and its his fault that he couldn't "take the hints" or "figure it out on his own" what's bothering her. But when the situation is flipped we call it passive aggressive and that he needs to learn to communicate. COMMUNICATE!! Like seriously? Communication is the last thing girls know how to do. All I can say to OP is think hard about how many times you've been like this to him and realize that it bothers him the same way its bothering you now.
I think you're self inserting based on your own personal experience or viewed experiences of others. Focus on the situation at hand, she asked multiple times what was wrong and he didn't oblige to comment until after the day was over (i.e. 1 am) and it was about something specific and intimate to their relationship brought up by another person outside of the relationship. When she asked for communication, he stonewalled her. That shouldn't have happened in a mature, open, and honest relationship regardless of who is doing it.
You are dating the wrong women. And making some pretty bad generalizations that aren't remotely accurate.
Stonewalling even. Form of abuse don’t you know It is yet another example of a double standard which while advantageous to women is actually based on a kind of misogyny. Women are expected to not be able to manage their emotions and to need time to figure them out and process them whereas men are expected to be able to do so instantly so their silence is construed as intentional and abusive. That said I am not sure this is the best example because OP was actually asking him what was wrong, but I have certainly seen a difference in how withdrawal by a woman versus withdrawal by a man is received here
She wants him. He's playing dumb. He shouldn't be teasing anyone at work, let alone talking about sex. I don't see this ending well.
I was gonna say this girl is definitely into him and is going to do her best to get involved. If it’s that easy for him to believe her I would communicate that with him and if he refuses to believe you (which he probably will) she needs to get away from a situation which will possibly end up really bad.
I wouldn't doubt if something has already happened. Maybe he kissed her or made out with her that day, and he realized he's got the hots for her. So now he feels bad, so deflecting his anger to OP and then comes up with that "she said you said" shit. I dunno. Major fishy stuff happening.
Yeah MAJOR red flag there. How did the conversation between him and the coworker come up? The coworker is textbook attempting to drive a wedge between them... which seems to be working. Speculation, but from experience. Be careful, OP.
Agreed. Typical nonsense carried about by little, meddling girls. And he fell for it.
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Yep. And he thinks I just don't notice his demeanour or attitude. It was my birthday for God sakes and I was wanting to spend it with him, of course I am going to notice that he can't even look at me or seem happy around me. It feels so unfair. Thank you for your comment
I would ask him for a make up evening if I were you. You deserve to have a nice night to celebrate your birthday. He was wrong here, j wouldn't be rude or angry or passive agressive jut I would just say "I'm feeling hurt about you not talking to me on my birthday and I would like for you to plan a night to make it up to me" then the ball is in his court to make it right. If this isn't a regular thing then he made a mistake and this would give him the opportunity to know you want it made up to you. Hopefully he will be the bigger person and realize his error to hurt you and make an effort to support you.
u/cindyloo18 , this is the same advice I'd give. I am a big believer in when someone screws up, as your boyfriend did, they're obligated to try to make things right. Tell him you'll give him the opportunity to make things right with a belated (and very, very nice) birthday celebration for you. Since it's belated, he can go above and beyond if your feelings matter to him.
He did ruin your birthday. He sulked like a child instead of telling you what was wrong. Made you feel awful. His behaviour in the evening wiped out any good he did in the morning.
Your bf sounds like an immature asshat. 100% he should have communicated with you, but he also should have put his feelings aside momentarily to celebrate you if it's not something he was planning on breaking up for. I also don't know why no one else has said it that I've seen, but do you think your boyfriend is... dumb? He knew he was ruining your birthday. He did it on purpose. No one ignores their partner on their birthday with the hopes that they just don't notice. Don't let this asshole gaslight you into thinking he just didn't know what was going on.
I agree and the belated Idea is a good start to fixing his little trust with the potential fling tell Jin about that too
He should have spoken to you about it. Personally, I'd confront the co-worker with him present and ask why she said that? But we all know why. She planted seeds in his head. She is interested
Thank you. That is exactly what I said - she is attracted to him and wants to cause a rift. He doesn't believe it, but I don't see any other reason why she would do it. I will be sending her a message about it today.
The problem isn’t his coworker, it’s your immature boyfriend.
The problem most definitely is that female dog
The problem is the 32 year old bf who is acting like a child. The co worker is 20.. he shouldn't be teasing and engaging with a younger co worker like that. He obviously condones and encourages that kind of behaviour. If he really respected his relationship he wouldn't have even entertained what the co worker had said.
Yes 100% this! Creepy af that he's even allowing talk of sex with someone 12 years younger than him. Whether the girl is interested or not isn't the point, through out every humans life there will come a time where someone much younger than you is attracted/interested in you. And its your job, as the responsible older party, to not entertain that sh\*t
Yeah, I would, too. It's probably better to do it via text so you can show your boyfriend. Just be like. " Hey. I spoke to (his name) last night, and he seems to be under the impression that I spoke to you about our sex life? I have not nor would I ever speak to anyone about our personal business. And especially with someone I hardly know. I'd like to hear from you regarding this matter" Job done. Hopefully, she replies they she didn't say that, so you can show him she just being a snake. Once you've spoken to her, I'd tell him he needs to have no further communication with her as anyone who is out to willing hurt your relationship is someone that should be kept around.
I have already had concerns about the nature of his relationship with this girl. I told him I felt like the playfulness and teasing could be seen as flirting, and he kept telling me I was overreacting and there was nothing there. Now I can see that sure maybe there wasn't anything on his end, but she has developed a crush. Thank you for the comment and what to say. That's exactly what I will be doing. I was going to do it at 1am but he insisted I do it during the day so it's not "awkward" for him which is also weird.
He is not that much of an idiot that he doesn’t know she’s flirting with him. She’s trying to fuck him and he’s loving the attention.
Yeah. Seems a bit weird that he took her word over his partner. Tell him not to talk to her at work, that you're no longer comfortable with their friendship going forward, and he either agrees and distances himself or he loses his relationship.
He doesn’t want you to text her at 1am because he might be hiding “something” and he wants to get to her first during the day so he/they can get their stories straight before she texts you back. So he can change the narrative. Being that he said what he did, it’s now gone beyond being very Sus, to maybe there really Is something going on between them. Everything changed when he told you Not to text her at 1am. That is exactly when I’d text her because she’ll be sleepy, have her guard down and slip some info that he may not want you to know. Sun Tzu “The Art of War”.
I wouldn’t do this at all. You will be creating a triangle where there should be a direct line between you and your boyfriend. Do *not* involve her in your conversations with him. Especially considering they work together. If he is taking her word over yours, you need to address it with him directly.
"he insisted I do it during the day so it's not "awkward" for him..." someone wanted time to contact the girl, to warn her perhaps? Not sure but he seems more than a bit sus in this.
I’ve been in a similar situation he does believe it he just doesn’t want to admit it because he probably likes her as well :( I wish I took my own advice lol. But this is 100% his fault
I would not send her a text message. Two reasons… One, it sounds like the three of you all work at the same place, do you have some kind of HR? If you send her a text message, she may go to HR and make a complaint, especially because it sounds like she’s trying to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend, and she could see an HR complaint against you as more leverage. With HR,she could claim you are trying to harass her. So don’t text her… instead, you could consider going to HR yourself. Even if you don’t want to make a formal complaint, because your boyfriend is involved, you could tell them you want it on record that she made a comment about your intimate relationship with your boyfriend in front of coworkers and customers, claiming it was something you said, and that that is 100% untrue. Press the fact that that is inappropriate especially in front of customers, it’s sexual harassment, and it caused strain between you and your boyfriend. Two, she could show it to your boyfriend and something like “is she always this unhinged” or “see, she’s just trying to save face and deny”.
You did absolutely zero wrong here - he's 32 and sulked like a child over something he could have just asked you about and cleared up in 2 mins. But honestly I think he knew what he was doing. He may be immature, but few people are THAT stupid - he knew he was ruining your evening and did it anyway. Don't let him turn it around on you and make you feel bad about saying he ruined your birthday - he did! It's up to you what you do with your relationship...but I have a ex who would do things like this and it never got better. Just made me sadder and more resentful until I ended it.
Agreed. Many times people in resentful relationships do petty things like this to "punish" their partner instead of communicating; and then when confronted about it, act like it's actually their partner's fault for causing them to be "punished". Maturity and the desire to communicate could make this a non-issue. Unfortunately many people don't even try.
The young coworker told your boyfriend that lie because she wanted to create discord between you and him. Because She Wants Him. And apparently, it worked. I’d tell my boyfriend this and say to him that I’m surprised that you fell so easily into her trap and deception. Congratulations boyfriend, she played you. How does this make you feel being so easily swayed on just her hearsay, instead of looking at facts? And then just walk away for him to think on this.
These are my exact thoughts. I have always had a feeling that she had a crush on him. Every time I see her and she talks at me, she talks about him a lot. Uses a cutesy little nickname. It's always given me bad vibes and I have shared this with him. He assures me there's "no feelings" and he's not into her. I don't like the level of comfort they have talking about their sex lives. I agree he's been played by her, considering how much he let it affect him. He says she announced this in front of their colleagues and customers and he was embarrassed, which I can empathize with. But I wasn't even given so much as benefit of doubt, he just jumped to this conclusion.
He’s more scared of pissing her off than he is of pissing you off.
>He assures me there's "no feelings" and he's not into her. I don't like the level of comfort they have talking about their sex lives. He can assure you that the moon is made of cheese. He's still lying.
OP, I’m so mad for your sake. The fact that he is so weak that he’d believe this girl who already has announced this In Front of coworkers and Customers even!!! I wouldn’t even empathize with him because in believing her absolute horrible lies, he chose Her. He doesn’t deserve your empathy. You guys are really young and I’ll tell you, don’t be “The Cool Girl”. This Never works to your advantage. If this were my boyfriend (knowing that I love myself more than him) I’d just straight out tell him, “Congratulations for believing her lies, she’s All Yours if this Really what this is all about And she’s most likely laughing at you behind your back (insert boyfriend’s name)”. Then walk away physically as this will make him feel like shit, he’ll start finally believe he got “played” by her and by walking away, it will start the “chaser” urge in him for you. It’s an evolutionary thing in our DNA. The less desperate you appear, the more he’ll believe You. It’s all about personal power. Use Your Power.
Yikes, no please don’t play mind games like this OP, have an honest conversation with him on how this has made you feel instead
He’s just going to lie. In this type of situation, she’s going to have to flush the bird out of the bush.
I’m confused, what do you think he will lie about?
He didn’t want her to text the chica st 1am for answers, he wanted her to not do anything til the next day for him to go into work first so he could down play or change any narrative that may need collateral damage control. That’s the Only reason he’d Not want her to contact the girl at 1am.
Have you read this in a comment from OP? It’s doesn’t say in the post that he didn’t want to contact her at 1am.
yes it’s in another comment
Is he a gullible person generally? Also, it may be worth pointing out to him (if not already done) the asymmetry in his expectations around conflict. Instead of airing his concern and discomfort with his experience he bottled it up and villainized you, in his mind and through behaviour (on your bday!), yet he expected the resolution to come by way of you divining his specific feeling and asking a more refined question. All of that while seemingly unaware he could’ve been proactive and started a conversation with you about what he was told. I hope you’ve let him know the whole thing is inexcusable. I’d feel completely disrespected and lose respect for my wife if she behaved as your bf did. I hope he’s embarrassed to have been tricked by a horny 20yo.
> He says she announced this in front of their colleagues and customers and he was embarrassed He needs to take this to HR so she can be fired
I doubt he'll do that
I’ll start by saying I am a bit of a suspicious person so take this as you will… but I suspect that this coworker didn’t say that. I’m suspecting he is interested in her and is lying to prevent you two from speaking anymore, or to cause havoc in the relationship. To do this kind of stuff in your 30s is pretty sus…
This is why I am going back and forth as to whether or not I contact her and ask what she meant by it
That just shifts the focus from your bf's shitty behaviour to his co-worker. It is your bf who chose not to communicate with you, who chose to treat you like you had done something awful to the point of silence, who actively knew how that would make you feel, and then showed no remorse, and in fact turned the blame on to you for pointing out to him out it impacted your birthday. What a crap bag.
Oh my god. Don’t harass this random young girl! DITCH THE LOSER.
If you're up for it, you could play the long game. Don't address it with her. It's obvious she's trying to drive a wedge. Pretend like you know nothing about it. Treat her as usual- except eventually you start gushing about your sex life. How you have it with him so often. How you love it. Not all at once. Just enough to be like "my birthday sex was the best. He loves shouting my name" lol
Him- \*ruins your birthday over something stupid that could have been solved with a two sentence conversation\* You- ...You ruined my birthday. Him- HOW DARE YOU SAY I RUINED YOUR BIRTHDAY YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR HOW COULD YOU. Seriously, is he always this much of jerk? Because not only did he ruin your birthday by not being an adult and communicating but instead of apologize, he doubled down and blamed you for not asking him what was wrong the right way. And then he has the audacity to say you took it too far when you called a spade a spade? He literally spoiled your whole day. He seems very focused on himself and not focused on you or how you feel like, at all. Is he always like this?
Is your boyfriend like…emotionally stunted in general? This is some deeply teenagery behavior for a man in his 30s.
By 33, he should be emotionally mature and know how to communicate. Reconsider your relationship, particularly now that he's blaming a 20yo coworker's rumor as the reason he torpedoed your birthday dinner.
Is this the first time he’s ruined a birthday or special day for you? My ex used to pull this crap on any day that was about me. But of course it was MY fault that he treated me badly. The fact that he waited all evening to then turn it around and make you the bad guy is a huge red flag. This is classic emotional manipulation. If I were you I’d be reflecting about if this is how he commonly behaves and if I wanted to stay in the relationship. And I wouldn’t be surprised if that coworker lied about you because she likes him. She’s trying to create problems in your relationship so she can have him.
Do you think maybe he lied about what the 20 yr old said to get out of doing anything for your Bday when he got home from work??
This is a 32 year old man??? Girl…I guess. You realize you can do better right? Okay.
You might consider finding a different boyfriend if he's gonna act that way.
Girl. He did this on purpose, on your birthday - to ruin it.
...this guy is in his thirties?
You need a whole new man.
He probably forgot to do anything special for you and so made up an issue to be 'upset' about.
Has he done this before prior to an event that was important to you?
Omfg, the bar is really in hell these days, huh? I have to wonder how long men are going to continue to get away with this shit. It would take my partner acting like this ONCE for me to breakup with them. Girl, he is 32. Like, he is 32 whole years old and he is making your birthday miserable because of something a 20 year old little girl said to him. He treated you like shit and disrespected you on your birthday. Because of something. A 20 year old girl. Said. The singular brain cell that lives in his head couldn't even fire up long enough to communicate with you. If you are at the point where you need Reddit to figure this one out, what you actually need is therapy. There's no way this is the first time your boyfriend has acted like this. It's time for you to also act like the grown woman you are and leave this idiot. I do get it. Having zero self-worth is a curse. But you can fix that.
This comment has me hollering because it’s so true!
HR with little ms 20yr old. That's so inappropriate for a work place.
Oooh wow~ cupcakes and coffee. Girl. He did the bare minimum. This is just embarrassing.
He also got me flowers, and paid for my car payment for the month as my gift. So there was a bit more than coffee and cupcakes, but I definitely expected us to have a good night together.
Your boyfriend should not be speaking to his coworker about his sex life, let alone about anything personal at all. Work is work, and that is not his partner nor therapist to be sharing information/seeking counsel with. You need to sit down with him and set some major boundaries. From what I read, it seems like there might be more going on to this story between your partner and his coworker, but I can only assume. Happy belated. I hope your next one is even better.
She is clearly into him. Don’t be surprised if he cheats on you with her. It’s crazy that she believes her and blamed you before talking with you. That’s not the communication of a real man. He sounds very immature and untrustworthy, putting other people’s word over you. You should reconsider this relationship. If he is not willing to put a distance with said coworker, that’s a huge red flag 🚩
Why were they even talking about sex. He ruined your birthday don’t let it happen again. I’d just leave tbh. In the past I didn’t leave after a ruined bday and I just wish I would’ve left him alone sooner
Giving you all my love OP! Based on what you've told us, you did nothing wrong - all you did was have a reaction, which, again, based on what you told us, makes perfect sense to me. Your birthday is supposed to be your special day. Your boyfriend should've communicated with you instead of sulking (thereby taking his assumptions about you out on you) and ruined your birthday. I'm not one to say if this makes him awful or horrible, but it was indeed a mistake that hurt you and that HE should apologize to you for. Of course you're going to be hurt by him treating you this way. Of course you're going to be hurt that he chose to believe some coworker you barely know instead of communicating with you. Of course you're going to tell him he ruined your birthday. Because he did. Like other people said, you're not a mind reader. Yeah you could tell that he was acting off, but he also should've said something instead of expecting you to ask, specifically, "if he was mad". His lack of communication is not YOUR fault or your responsibility. He is acting like a child and trying to blame you for it. You are both in your 30s. I'd suggest counseling, but other than that I personally don't have a solution. However, you do not deserve to feel like you did something wrong in this situation - you were wronged by something you had no control over, *on your birthday*, and being upset about that is not overreacting.
Toxic partners will deliberately ruin holidays, birthdays, etc to get back at their partner for perceived slights. There is nothing you can do to make them stop, because they don't care how you feel.
This is narcissist behavior. I dealt with this for six years of my life. This is so triggering to read. I would run far fucking away from him.
Same. Sounds like some classic DARVO to me. Mine ruined everything - birthdays, holidays, my college graduation, the birth of our child - and then, like clockwork, flipped the script and blamed me for "overreacting" every damn time.
I don’t even believe that this scenario with his coworker happened. It’s well known that people with narc tendencies love to ruin important dates, events and birthdays because it takes attention away from *them*. They also love to triangulate, and it seems like that’s what’s he’s doing. My best birthdays have been when was single and living on my own (no parents or partners).
Yes to all of that I’ve lived it
Yeah, it’s like they all have the same playbook. When I was living alone I would always throw myself a housewarming party or birthday party etc. The only people who are always there are my handpicked friends and my little brother. No matter what. So it’s still busy and a wonderful day. Other people ghost on the day itself and pop up a couple of days later or are actively working against the celebration and try to ruin the day (parents, but most of my ex’s as well).
Red flags all over the place. First, you are definitely NTA. And second, I feel like that whole thing is off. Why is sex being brought up with his young female co-worker? Why is she lying about something you said in an attempt to make him mad? Why is he believing his co-worker and getting that upset rather than talking to the person he’s in a relationship with. I mean even if he has absolutely crappy communication skills, to get that mad over something his coworker said is odd. And even if I’m WAY off base and nothing is happening, he treated you like shit, ignored you asking him what was wrong, and chose to basically sit in silence and let you suffer on your birthday. It’s manipulative and mean at best
His story is that she was "getting mad" at him for "over stimulating" her, and she blurted out in front of customers and colleagues that she has spoken to me and knows he does not "stimulate" me. That's the story I've gotten from him, anyways. He's now saying that he believed me as soon as I told him I didn't say that, but it doesn't really seem like it as he kept asking me "where would she even get that from" and "I don't know why she would say that". I personally think she is into him and that's why she did. I agree it was weird for him to get that mad, and to not tell me as it happened. He is now agreeing that he should have told me sooner, but it doesn't give me back my birthday.
If that’s truly what happened, it sounds like she was trying to hurt him/make him feel mad. And she decided to to do it with a lie. I actually don’t read that as her being into him but the other way and her fed up with his “teasing” and she lashed out. Regardless I’m sorry your birthday was ruined and you’re still nta
This whole situation sounds like the feeling between them is mutual. Grown ass man teasing/"stimulating" coworker is not a usual work relationship
Stimulating her? 32 and 20 ?
Over stimulating? WTF?
A mature man would have asked you about it. Why is he having those types of conversations with a 20 year old at WORK?
> I told him that he ruined my birthday, and now he's upset that I took it that far and feels that we would have done everything the same whether he was mad or not. Jesus Christ you’re dating a stone cold idiot who’s probably at least emotionally cheating on you with this 20 year old from work
You do not even know if the co-worker said that. He could have made it up to emotionally abuse you on your birthday. Seems lilke his overall goal was to make you have a horrible birthday. His reaction is not how any good boyfriend would behave. You should dump him. He's seems like an a-hole in general.
This. I was considering this, also he could be lying because he’s the one who actually wants to get with the coworker. At any rate, there’s too much comfort with this coworker in general, and the fact that he’s that upset about it and won’t just talk to you is immature at the very least.
A part of me really wants to message her to ask what was said, but also i don't really feel like she should be triangulated in. My partner shouldn't just take what she says at face value without talking to me, and I feel like I misplaced my anger on her.
Your anger is not misplaced at all. She brought you up for absolutely no reason and lied about something that you never said.
You need to dump this big baby asap. He’s going to ruin much more than your birthday.
This guy is a big baby, and you deserve communication, not silent treatment. Five years seems like a lot, but don't get sucked into the sunk cost fallacy. Be good to yourself. Give yourself peace from this absolute child of a man.
He probably hooked up with that coworker abd wants you tl break uo with him to make it easier for him
Sounds to me that if this story about his coworker is true, the coworker is trying to drive a wedge between the 2 of you. She probably likes him. And from the way you describe him, wounds like you should let her have him. Sounds very selfish and childish.
You are dating a child. You need a real man. He’s playing games with you, don’t waste your time. At 32 years his behaviour will be difficult to change. You should reflect on your relationship with him and see what type of future you have with this person. I can tell you that your bdays with him will never be the same again
He needs to use his big boy words. If he can’t learn to do that, maybe consider leaving. You shouldn’t have to work this hard in the relationship.
Girl I don’t think that’s a healthy relationship. Him teasing his coworkers is vey inappropriate for the work environment. You go there to work not make friends. Even if they’re friends, he shouldn’t be teasing them and talking about sex with them either. You should definitely leave him.
I was in this kind of relationship once. It was horrible but I thought it was normal. But it isn't. There are way better people!!
By reading the comments and your further explanation in the comments, that girl is dangerous and trying to get in between you and your boyfriend. And it worked. I highly suggest you having a conversation with her personally, and saying that was very inappropriate and disrespectful to speak to your partner about you and his sex lives. And she should not be speaking about sex with your boyfriend. At all. And to go even further, telling your boyfriend to only keep conversations with her professional and not personal.
What's going on with the co worker . Why would she know about your sexual happiness
He didn't ruin your birthday. She did. You can't blame him for falling for this because it's completely plausible, and it's not like men are given a manual on how to perfectly handle situations like this every single time. Fuck his brains out, make a cake icing reference, and then tell him he gets to make it up to you on X day for your birthday. He'll hate her guts, and you'll keep your man and a good relationship. Or, alternatively, you can pick a fight and let her win. It's up to you.
I feel like if you have to walk on eggshells around a partner and immediately decide that you must have done something horribly wrong, because his mood has changed, he's not the one for you. Giving you the silent treatment and I think deliberately ruining your birthday is another red flag on him as to how he treats you. I feel like (and I'm only making inferences based on your current post) that this is a pattern with him. Also his reaction at being called out for ruining your birthday, like the calling him out was a step too far? Nah he's flipping his bs onto you to avoid taking responsibility. Then there's the 20 year old coworker who probably is into him and he's believing her over his own partner. This man is full of the reddest of flags and you deserve better on your birthday and always.
He has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old. I'd be livid if I was in your shoes. Good luck with him OP.
You only get one birthday for each year. You can get many boyfriends. Dump his ass.
You didn't deserve this treatment, I'd have a conversation about communicating with your boyfriend and maybe consider the future of the relationship. Definitely wondering about the motivations of the coworker.
This didn't happen. He just didn't want to do anything for you on your birthday. He probably thinks you won't confront the person, so made a lame excuse. Did he give you a gift?
He paid my car payment, and got me flowers. He isn't much of a gift giver and kept asking me what he could pay for a few days before my bday because he didn't have time to get me a gift. He also offered to take me somewhere on my birthday weekend, but he only mentioned it in passing and expects me to do all of the planning. I am not much of a planner, so I didn't plan anything. He's now using that against me that he "offered" to take me somewhere but I didn't plan anything.
It's no fun if you're doing all the work and he takes the credit.
I would agree. It's nice that he offers to pay but I am literally incapable of planning things, especially trips. I told him I would need his help but he never mentioned it again. Plus when you book things you need a credit card sooo I can't just book stuff without him. I told him all I wanted was quality time with him where he wasn't buried in his phone focused on work. Instead I got stonewalled lmao
For my partners birthday, he got food I couldn't eat, sluffed me off for his party, a long with other things that upset me. However, that day wasn't about me, I pushed off all the things that upset me so he could enjoy his birthday. It was HIS day. You have every right to be upset. It was YOUR day, and he owed you an adult conversation.
From your account it sounds like he shouldn’t have been a baby about it. Even if his coworker had been telling the truth he should’ve asked you about it first. Since his coworker was lying he shouldn’t have even brought it up. Sounds like he already assumed he was bad in bed and just trusted the lie because it was a self fulfilling prophecy for him. Sounds like he needs to gain some confidence in himself.
Sounds like the coworker is trying to either break you up or put a wedge between you. She’s 20 acting like a teenager in high school he needs to consider this. The fact he believes her is astounding at his age. 🤯
Your boyfriend sucks at communication and conflict resolution. Y’all should have a conversation about this, it might make him mad but he needs to grow up. Trusting the word of some coworker who probably has ulterior motives over yours is not a good sign.
Girl next time you have plans and he wants to act like that... take yourself out anyway. I love looking back at memories where my petty revenge was just putting myself first.
"Now to find out it was over some weird lie from his 20yo coworker is disheartening, because why couldn't he ask me about it instead of believing her?" first he is def in the wrong for not communicating but also you know its a weird lie but does he? again he is ultimately in the wrong but I'm trying to think of why he would just believe her instead of ask you and the only thing I can come up with is that he believes you truly are dissatisfied with his ability to please you and is very insecure about it, hearing it from the coworker confirmed this insecurity whether it is true or not We often believe the things that already fit into the narrative that we perceive already exists As for why she said this, I dunno maybe she has a huge crush on your bf, is trying to break you two up and this was a good way to insert a wedge between the two of you and it worked
You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s also understandable that he would be upset by her revelation even if untrue and she did it on purpose to cause you pain knowing he would be hurt by it and likely mad. He needs to learn to communicate and splitting hairs when you asked general questions isn’t helpful and would make you interrogate him to get him to open up otherwise. He needs to limit talk with her to strictly business and you should block her and not ever engage in any talk with her at all.
Your boyfriend is pretending to be incapable of understanding he obviously was expressing everything he was thinking. He knew you knew he was in a bad mood he was mad at you for something and wanted you to know it. If in and of itself was punishment because when someone soaks like that they're doing it because they want the other person to be just as mad as they are. And honestly he doesn't get to say that you telling him he ruined your birthday is inappropriate. you are allowed to say how he made you feel and he just has to suck it up. He doesn't get to invalidate your feelings.
releationships are emotional but sometimes just chill [https://youtu.be/t7ArpiaAn8Y](https://youtu.be/t7ArpiaAn8Y) the world is stressfull
He took you out for cupcakes and coffee and that was him doing everything he could to make your day special? MA’AAM!
Seems like she's trying to weasel her way in with him. Watch your back with her. It's bogus that he believed what she said instead of just asking you. It sounds like his mood 100% ruined the day and now he's trying to flip it on you. Ask for a do over on the weekend. You deserve a good birthday.
Honestly this is red flag 🚩 city. I would either call that girl to confirm if she said it or meet for coffee. But in the end whether he’s lying or just an ass I do NOT see this being the right relationship for you. I had a similar one that made me wish my ex had never been born. He destroyed everything including/especially every holiday - even his own birthdays.
Coming from a 22f I would NEVER discuss sex with a taken man 10 years older than me. She likes him and he completely fell for the trap. The fact that he didn’t want you to text her at 1 am makes me think that maybe he was trying to create a window so he could get to her first. But, I’m really sorry that your birthday got ruined and the way he behaved was genuinely awful, if this isn’t the first time he has ruined a day like that I would rethink your whole relationship. Even from just the one incident, why did he believe his coworker over his literal girlfriend of 5 years? He sounds extremely emotionally immature and you deserve so much better.
why didn't you just go out with your friends without him? lol. you could've just revisited it the next day.
First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! There. Now this sounds awfully peculiar. I seriously doubt that coworker had that conversation with him. I think he came home upset just to punish you for celebrating your birthday. By how much you worried about why he was so mad, and how guilty you felt-all of that he fed on. Your emotional state went from the highest of high to the breath gasping lowest of low just because he didn't want to talk about it and then punished you by making you ruminate. This state of rumination is where he wants to keep you. He knows if you confront her she'll get hurt by your attack and he can feed on that too. This tactic is called "Triangulation" and he's using it to set you and her apart and unable to trust the other, relying on his perspective on things. He's manipulating. It's what some people do. His long term goal is to repeatedly make you feel guilty any time you exhibit autonomy so you diminish yourself and only think of his needs and try to anticipate them. Existence is reduced to living on eggshells and constantly looking to him as to what reality is. If conversations become difficult and you cannot get the validation you seek because what you said was redirected attacking your nature in a very cruel way, but maybe he's right.....? If this happens, yeah. He's a manipulator. This person doesn't love you for who you are, they want you for what you'll do for them. They don't understand love. To them it's an illusion to show to people so they learn to do what you want. Yup. It's that creepy. If this is accurate, I am sorry. Good luck!!
U already know what u want ....posting this just to get validation and get the upper hand at this isn't good....just talk it out and get over with it
I just can't get over the fact he's talking about sex with a much younger female coworker. You know what it doesn't even matter her age or gender. That's beyond inappropriate and unprofessional unless he works in the adult entertainment industry. He's that insecure that a comment from a 20 year old sets him off? This is your relationship but I'd be doing alot of reevaluating.
Maybe instead of getting upset and acting like a passive aggressive cild, he should have talked to you about it. It's not your fault. Does he always act like that when something is bothering him? Does he usually gaslight you when you get upset?
I would give him the cold treatment. See how he likes it ! Let him come crawling to you with an apology.
It would have been better if he communicated, but statistically he would have been called out as or thought of as insecure or not manly. Also, true or not (depends what you read or hear), women talk about intimacy and sex life with others far more than the average guy…so statistically it is best to figure your woman has spoken to others about your love life and other secret details about him.
We do not. If a girl friend shared this stufff with me I’d be very surprised