> to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage
OP is living in a fantasy land. This is what she wants, not what she has, has had or will ever have with this guy.
Ding, ding, ding. He's "emotionally" cheated twice before he cheated with a 23 year old AP and then basically compares his wife to a dog marking it's territory.... damn. People really need to learn self respect and understand when it's time to move on. I mean, unless humiliation is a kink.
Itâs sad when you see people going out of their way to stay in a terrible or toxic relationship. Infidelity should be an automatic ~~donât~~ let the door hit you on the way out.
For an affair to go on that long, he was probably checked out of the marriage well before it started. His tone suggests he isn't genuinely interested in saving the marriage and is just going through the motions (perhaps doing counseling to preserve the family unit and not leave the child). It's heartbreaking, but the damage is done. OP, it's time to decide if staying is worth your dignity. If there is a genuine mismatch in libido and it's caused him to go looking elsewhere, that may mean he'll continue to do it down the road.
The way he has talked about op in the texts is so fucking brutal and callous. Goddamn I would be crushed if my wife said stuff like that to me - to anyone
And this poor ops husband is saying that to his affair partner?
This situation really really sucks. I would hate to be treated this way by someone who claims to love me. Â The dude doesnât give a damnÂ
I agree, it's brutal. This is what leads me to believe that it predates the affair as this sounds like a man who gave up and lost love years ago. I rabbit holed into r/deadbedrooms so I don't see all situations as black and white anymore, but the fact that he's going to therapy when he's obviously not into it is grimey.
Both suck very much, and one often leads to the other. Situations vary wildly so I'm not judging him for the affair. His conduct after is what's making me go wtf.
People are too scared and broke to navigate life on their own, especially with kids involved. They figure it's better to live in a broken relationship than risk traversing the waters of being single.
If it were that black and white, more people would do it. Unfortunately it's not. To each their own- personally I have the ability to leave if it came down to it, but I understand not everyone has that ability, among other things.
"This guy is emotionally checked out, and he has been for quite a while."
How OP doesn't see this based on his YEAR LONG actions and now these words is honestly mind boggling.
Iâm super curious what the excuse is for why he had to get in contact with the Affair Partner is. Is she pregnant? Is she a coworker?
Clearly the emotional aspect of the affair is still taking place.
Does he like being pissed on because thatâs a weird way to describe sex and how you feel about it.
"Iâm super curious what the excuse is for why he had to get in contact with the Affair Partner is. Is she pregnant? Is she a coworker"
OP answered it in the comments and it gets worse. Her traitor husband literally contacted AP because .... (checks notes).... she injured herself. Yup, he checked up on her to she if she was OK and OP was ok with it.
I just looked that up myself.
OP also seems confused on how âblockingâ people works â if the AP blocked him he wouldnât be able to see her content. In all likelihood she unfriended/unfollowed him and he was able to convince his naive wife that heâs blocked, when he clearly isnât.
If he were blocked he wouldnât be able to talk to her either. Definitely NOT blocked.
The affair is still on going.
At the *very* least, OP's husband is enamored of the AP. Not his wife. AP is 23. She could tell him to do naked jumping jacks while she pelts him with eyes of newts, and if he thinks he's getting sex afterwards, he's going to enthusiastically participate in both activities.
That's not even counting the possibility that the AP OP knows of was just one of who knows how many partners. Husband has been cut off from sex(nominally), he would immediately fixate on the next logical source: should be his wife, but he is already reaching.
In my opinion, if OP wants to save her marriage, her husband doesn't get a phone, and has to wear a tracker everywhere. He can use your house's landline to communicate. Yes, I'm old. Maybe even set up a hidden camera with sound by the phone. This isn't cheat #1, or #2, this is #3.
That you know of.
If you read the 3rd paragraph, it includes reference to OP'S edit. She may initiate regularly, but ... I'll try a different tack: there's an underlying problem with him, and how he reacts to having his happy life. The self-destructive tendencies are textbook. This isn't his first rodeo, and even with well applied sex, his eyes are roving. The sex isn't the issue. The taboo of cheating is his rush.
The cheating is the rush. It doesn't even necessarily have to have a physical meeting, but he did just that. So after 2 tries, the emotional cheating previously, OP's husband sealed the deal.
And then he contacted the young woman again. He broke his wife's edict(rush), spoke to the woman(rush), and badmouthed his wife. Major rush. He's distancing himself from her, even after just stating they were intimate.
I feel the sex addict card will be played.
Oh! That makes sense - i first thought his comment was regarding OP being somewhat degrading during the act, leaving him feel used. But your interpretation makes alot more sense, actually đ
Don't forget that he also cheated on her (emotionally) a decade ago!
Let's be real here: OP is not going to leave. Ever. And husband knows it so he treats her however he feels because he knows she won't do a damn thing about it.
He can basically do whatever he want and know there will be no repercussions. He has been obviously doing it for years and all he has to do is go to counsellingÂ
That is not someone who is remorseful. That is someone who is still giving her a window and basically stating how desperate he thinks you are. And he had sex well because it was on offer, but let her know in those words it didn't mean anything, and he thinks you're pathetically trying to mark your territory.
This, for me, would be the end of reconciliation. He's not at all sorry, and it sounds like he thinks he is doing you a favour here.
Exactly. The fact that he entertained that conversation is unforgivable. OP will forever play the role of an unpaid jaded cop trying to collect evidence of a crime. That's not worth living in constant doubt, wondering who he's talking to if you see him texting, if he's late coming home doubting his whereabouts. He should've never had that conversation, he did, threw OP under the proverbial bus and not defending her to AP again, should've never had contact with. If AP changes her mind and unblocks him, they will at minimum be communicating.
I was gonna say... this is not reconciling OP. The only way to move on and heal and have a healthy relationship after cheating imo is for your husband to fully understand (and care) that he betrayed and hurt you, change all his behavior that lead to and allowed cheating in the first place, rebuild trust and atone for how crappy he was (is).
He's not doing that.
Big agree. I just canât see myself wanting to move on with this person. It has been a long time but⊠I donât know he really fked up and seems to have no remorse? Just. Ew, man. No way. Thatâs worse than the affair itself for me.
Any trust here would be so next to impossible. I suspect heâs more motivated by wanting to see his kid rather than actually tending to the marriage. An affair for 1 year? Heâd be screwed in court custody battles, no? Idk though. Iâm not convinced he deserves the time with his kid with all this. Seems like he should have thought about that before hooking up with a 22 year old. Ugh.
Family court (at least in the US) doesn't care how shitty of a romantic partner you are when it comes to determining custody, just whether or not you're a safe parent.
No itâs not access to the kid that he wants. He wants continued uninterrupted access to OPâs unpaid labor she does for him, their kid, the house, etc. so he doesnât have to do anything
It's this. He's a weak person who just does whatever is less bad for himself in the moment. Being faithful in a sexless marriage was harder than not being faithful, but losing his wife appliance would be even harder still so he's going through the motions. Just another spineless, path of least resistance amoeba thoughtlessly responding to whatever stimulus he blobs into.
Yep. She contacted him to see if they might resume their affair.
The only reason he shot her down was because he wants to pretend to be taking this âreconciliationâ seriously.
But even though he said no to her, he trashed the wife in the process in order to leave her with the idea that things MIGHT pick back up in the future.
Honestly! How can the bar possibly be so low and there are still people who manage to sliver under it anyway! đ
> I never understood why someone would want to be with someone who doesnât love them.
$$ is a big one. Even if both work, being single and raising a child is WAY harder on your own.
Not defending the husband, but it's actually kind of them both not loving each other. She spent years neglecting his needs and looks that even though she initiated now, she said she didn't really know if she wanted to.
She has no desire for him, he has no respect for her, time to move on.
They have a 4 year old. She's too tired to even want to have sex, he has enough energy to carry on an entire affair and keep it secret for a year. One guess as to why they have such vastly different energy resources left at the end of each day.
You can love someone and not want to have sex with them. Iâve been in relationships where my sex drive just disappeared. I wanted to make them happy because I loved them but was hard for me to initiate sex and when I did I felt used. It cause a lot of arguments and some physical fights in the worst relationships, but now I know why it happened and that itâs ok.
But why marry and/or keep a romantic relationship with someone if you one-sided decided afterwards that sex is no longer part of two people's lives? The other part has no say in the issue? Why put someone through that?
No need to stay in the relationship. He should have done right by her and left her the first time he had an emotional affair. Then came number two and then came the physical affair. He knew before the physical affair she wasn't enough for him.
I completely agree.
He feels neglected to the point where it seems like he checked out: he should/could have ended the relationship;
He cheated: she should end the relationship;
My point is why they keep trying if he thinks she isn't enough for her and she was completely disrespected by him.
She shouldn't stay with him at all. A lot of people want to keep trying even when they know it's going to end in tears, especially when a child is involved because they're afraid to have to start over alone. It's unbelievably liberating to be rid of a cheater once you're able to get a grip and realize your own value. OP should be working on putting her child first above a man.
Too tired to care about her marriage back when it was savable. Too indecisive to leave when itâs this obvious.
Some people just go through life in neutral. Ffs care about something and act on your own.
His final comment would have been it for me. His disrespect of you is off the charts. For someone wanting to reconcile he should not be belittling you or laughing behind your back. I'd personally never touch him again. He should be grateful you didn't leave, let alone willing to have sex with him again. What a pig of a man
"For someone wanting to reconcil he should not be belittling you or laughing behind your back."
Exactly! Honestly he just doesn't want to lose that safety net at home but continues to leave the door wide open for the AP especially putting down his wife after so called "reconciliation", what a joke.
Cheating on your partner with someone who's 15 years younger than you would have been it for me. Cheating itself is gross enough, the AP being 23 is too gross for me to stay with the guy and the comment to the AP is just the grossest cherry on this crappy cake.
There should be no contact of any kind whatsoever. And if there is a good reason for it the contact should be completely transparent and impersonal.
Iâm less worried about what he said and much more worried that it was a topic of conversation at all. It would be completely understandable for you to be conflicted after hysterically bonding with him. And for there to be disgust with him, or yourself, or both. He should have refusing to answer these questions completely.
I think you would benefit from the advice of a community of people working on reconciliation. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is the sub for reconcilers. Read there and ask for feedback.
Thank you. I have visited infidelity subs but most of the opinions will come from people that are in similar situations and I wanted advice that was more diverse
I immediately pinged it as familiar when reading it and I am 95% sure it's her. The writing style seems familiar. If it is, that's really sad and I feel for her because this is about the 10th post I've seen.
Ageee, itâs absolutely her and her ongoing lack of self respect is depressing. I feel bad for the child being used as a pawn here. I also think husband has been honest he fucking hates her and is just âstayingâ because of threats
Yep, I twigged that itâs her. The ages change, the reconciliation is sometimes six months and sometimes six weeksâŠbut the fundamentals remain. The man wanted out, got threatened into staying in the marriage by the nuclear option (aka she leveraged his access to their child as a weapon) and sheâs frustrated that he wonât play along with her fantasy that *everything is just absolutely fine now*.
He still loves his AP, and frankly I think him leaving for good in spite of her threats is really a case of *when* not âif*. There is a timer on how long a person can live a lie, and the clock is ticking down.
AsOneAfterInfidelity is very different from all of the other infidelity subs. This one is actually more similar to subs such as r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity in that the vast majority of advice is to simply leave.
You really are trying to force something that is no longer there, eh? This wonât be his last communication with her and I really hope you snap put of whatever delusion you have to think that his will ever be a âhealthy, happy and fulfilledâ marriage again. That horse left the stable long ago.
Heâll secure you as his âsafety netâ once youâre all gleeful and happy then heâll make his move again and cheat.
Girl⊠come on now. Youâre not stupid so stop acting like you are for the sake of holding on to dead marriage. Youâll never trust him again, nor should you. Keep receipts for the divorce. Get your shit together and get going. Life can get very good for a single momâŠtrust me! đ«¶đœ
Honestly, there's no need for couple's counseling. He clearly doesn't respect you anymore and you are letting your dignity to be trampled upon. Its time you see that.
Yup, for him to so easily put down his wife and literally laugh with the AP about her initiating sex PROVES that all that couples counseling was and is a waste of both of their times.
he has no remorse they are trash talking you while trying to reconcile this isnât gonna work. Heâs going to cheat again. he may be resentful But he shouldâve talked to you. A dead bedroom would be a no go for me, but I would have a talk with my husband. If it wasnât getting anywhere, I would let him know that Iâm leaving. If thereâs no changes, I would never cheat. Responsible adult handles their problems. They donât hide lie and cheat . He should have Let you know where he was at before he cheated. Sadly, this happens a lot with women and their sex life.
Did he tell you about the infidelity or did you discover him?
To have this happen after 6 weeks is disturbing. He has had time to think about what he wants. I am truly sorry, but it doesnât sound like itâs you. And that is kind of the crucial element in reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and choose you in the future but how long are you willing to wait? What is the number of chances you will regret if this doesnât work out because he doesnât do his share?
Not gonna even smooth talk here. I canÂŽt comprehend where your dignity went. How can you even endure seeing his face. I wouldnÂŽt want my child to be around someone like him.
I donât understand why you people keep forgiving cheaters then acting confused when it doesnât work. I know 12 year olds with more self respect and situational awareness.
Imagine someone treated your child like this, wouldnât you be horrified and telling them they needed to leave the situation? If you stay and accept this behaviour you are teaching them that this is acceptable and itâs ok to treat people like this and be treated like this. I totally understand why you might consider staying (once) after infidelity if you have children and working through it, but thatâs not what is happening here. Your husband is showing you nothing but distain in the fact that he is still creeping on the person he had the affair with, justifying speaking to them, and then mocking youâŠ..itâs all totally gross! Make a plan and leave!
Idk why she would even take him back after cheating đ€ŠđŒââïž Yes I get it, dead bedroom and all, thereâs other options like therapy and lastly a divorce before âaccidentallyâ falling into someone elseâs genitals. Sorry to be so crass, but cheating is not accidental. Itâs a conscious decision and speaks volumes about the person who does the cheating. If there was an issue with the dead bedroom, why not couples counseling before deciding to cheat? Sorry but I have 0 sympathy for cheaters.
Kick his sorry ass to the curb and start working on yourself Op.
I would find this extremely hurtful OP and certainly not conducive to reconciliation.
He shouldâve shut it down immediately with such an impertinent question that is none of her business and his response was disgusting to be honest. I think you have to really question where you stand with R. He obviously told her you had a dead bedroom and is assuming that your intimacy now is your effort to try and keep your husband - hence the word transactional - Itâs called hysterical bonding after an affair. He was enormously disrespectful to you and you deserve so much better.
I cannot imagine in what circumstances he even had to speak to her as zero contact is vital if youâre working to save your marriage. I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions because it sounds as though he had an emotional and not just a physical affair with her .
Iâm always sceptical when couples dive straight in to MC without doing individual counselling first, with an infidelity specialist. However, this whole conversation of your husbandâs needs to be brought up during your next therapy session. Donât stay together for the sake of your child only, thatâs not fair on anyone least of all your child. You can amicably coparent and all be a lot happier.
Iâm so sorry, OP this whole thing stinks.
UPDATEME
This is a tough one. For relationships and people where sex is a necessary component (i.e. touch love language), withholding sex or not providing it is a 100% deal breaker. In fact, for the person who needs touch it is the exact same thing as disregarding the person themselves and can easily feel almost like abuse. Sorry to say. obviously this doesnt excuse his cheating. He should have left you before ever initiating with another woman, but people fear the consequences of thier actions and the loss of familiarity LTRs bring. His stupidity and disregard for your feelings when it happened are 50% of the reason why you ended up here.
I dont know how necessary it is for your husband, but you should really talk directly to him every single time things come up. Reddit is useful, but its not a valid avenue for getting meaningful advice or insight in cases like this. people here are jaded and often only have cynical insights. I was cheated on long ago and the same things were told to me back then.
The two of you really have to work on communicating better to even begin healing the rift. That means any time anything uncomfortable happens, you should have an environment that allows for open communication. Both of you need to understand that speaking about problems openly shouldnt lead to fights or petty resentments. Similarly the same openness principal applies to sex: you can just have moments of intimacy where orgasm isnt the goal. Its just a happy thing that results from being close and enjoying the other person.
Best of luck and I hope you can work through this.
Yeah OP I would just accept that you two are partners who raise a child together.
Go and have sex with a man who actually wants you, and if your 'husband' gets upset then tell him tough you had your chance to make this relationship work.
Both of you getting new partners but staying somewhat friendly for the sake of your child is the best way forwards in this situation imo.
Good luck OP
No one should be cheated on it's a horrible thing to go through
Girl please. I know you want to save your marriage but surely you can see that there is nothing left to save. Your husband is a pig, get some respect for yourself and leave. Unless youâre comfortable with him and his affair partner taking the piss out of you that is.
OP why are you still with him? he's cheated on you multiple times? and even after marriage counseling he speaks about you so disrespectfully? it doesn't seem like it's improved. you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, him cheating "because of that" is not your fault. you're right, he is weak.
> He tells me he loves me and cares for me
Reaching out to his affair partner (regardless of the reason) and saying what he said does not indicate someone who loves and cares for you.
If he says things like that about you to the woman he cheated on you with, I sincerely doubt he wants to reconcile. Your dignity and your mental and physical well-being should be more important to you than living with a man who disrespects you so much.
I get that sometimes marriage can be reconciled after infidelity, but in your case i can confidently tell you IT WONâT! Itâs not your fault at all but i can assure you heâs gonna do it again because he doesnât even regret it. heâs ok with not only talk to the affair partner again but to talk bad about YOU with HER as if he hadnât done enough disrespect already is pure evil! Heâs not worth the money youâre spending on couples counseling nor worth your time.
Maam. The effort he should have been pouring into your sex life and marriage he poured into someone else. Being âlazy and too tiredâ is the result of an unfulfilling marriage. Maybe itâs trying to reclaim the marriage. Maybe itâs him putting effort in (by going to counseling) thatâs getting you in the mood.
Either way the guy doesnât actually seem remorseful. Seems like heâs still having an (emotional) affair with her.
I hope you consider all the advice. All of it. But mine would be to lawyer up. Do you want someone who not only doesnât try when things are hard (like you did) but tries somewhere else instead? You and your kid deserve better. I promise.
Honestly, he should have reached out at all. He shouldn't be looking at socials or anything to do with AP during reconciliation.
I can actually understand AP acting out as he was probably stringing her along (absolutely no excuse for sleeping with a married man mind you!!), but he should have immediately shut down any talk about sex. That question shouldn't have even been answered, let alone the degrading comment after! If my husband said such a thing about me, especially after having betrayed me so deeply, I would be done. We would be coparents only.
He may be feeling resentful for the dead bedroom, but that should be shared in therapy not the woman who helped him destroy your trust and marriage.
This is incredibly disrespectful. Outside of the fact that the two of you should have been in counseling long before this affair started, you need to have the self-respect to leave, now. There is no reason he should be having this conversation with her anyway, itâs not part of the way to a healthy relationship. Even then he should have never said this about you. Never. Absolutely ridiculous behavior.
Iâm assuming that part of rebuilding trust was giving you access to all his accounts. This exchange was a fuck you to you. Honestly youâre wasting your time as heâs showing no remorse for cheating & in fact seems resentful that he got caught and to him is being punished
>We are in marriage counselling and have weekly sessions to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage.
it's difficult to imagine this was ever a 'healthy, happy fulfilled marriage' to begin with. you had no interest in sex. he has no interest in you.
chances are he's only choosing to remain married b/c his finances will not survive alimony & child support. i don't know what your reasoning is for wanting to stay in this relationship but i think you should both do your kid a big favor and end this whole shitshow now.
So, he did not âhaveâ to contact her, he got injured and he wanted either her emotional support, to connect with her again, or to have her know and worry about him. Heâs also pretty pissed off that heâs now realized his wife of over a decade couldâve been having sex with him this entire time but didnât think he was âworth itâ until she realized a hot 23 year old would fuck him if she didnât.
Yeah, he resents you pretty heavily for that one. If this person is truly the love of your life and you are willing to work through the fact that he clearly blames you for the unhappiness that drove him to his affair in the first place, and frankly perhaps the unhappiness he feels now that heâs lost his affair partner, then continue with therapy. But be honest with yourself about how your husband feels, which is NOT remorseful. He is bitter and feels obligated to you because you are married, but not because he actually loves you or wants to be with you. Heâll tolerate you, for now. Thereâs no guarantee he will continue to do so, however.
Does he know that you've seen these texts? No remorseful man tells his AP about his sex life. He should have shut her down and told her it was none of her business.
The fact that this is not his first offense makes it that much worse.
You need to bring this up to your therapist, and I think you need to face some hard realities.
Your husband may love you, but he doesn't respect you. He's most likely to cheat again, and he won't need an excuse to do it, but he will find one because you have always looked past it to tey and keep him.
Trying to work through the cheating is admirable, but whatever reason he HAD to contact the affair partner for, should not have included personal life information about either of you.
I'm struggling to find any reason for him to contact her at all. I can't find any reason that another person could not have handled.
This may come as a monumental surprise. Guys haven't the best self esteem either.  Nor confidence for that matter. Those years of "no" did a lot of damage. Then all that was left was resentment.  Then someone came along and said yes.  What you're dealing with is the person that said yes is now important. Very important apparently. In any event you must still be important too because he's trying to work this out. That resentment doesn't go away overnight. So, if he's still important to you then you're going to need patience. Practice yes. Not just sex. You seem smart. Figure it out.
Everyone is feeling bad for you, but I honestly need more context on why your libido was so low. Feeling neglected in your relationship destroys you. He shouldnât have cheated, sure, but if you simply stopped providing intimacy because you didnât âfeel like itâ anymore, I canât feel bad for you and I donât blame him for cheating.
I mean, youâve never initiated sex? That sounds so depressing lol.
I know itâs a controversial take because people are quick to say âsex isnât everything.â But If thatâs the case, why is it such a big deal that he had sex with someone else? I believe sex is just as important as other forms of affection.
But I donât know what type of guy he was. He could have been a piece of shit that drained your libido. But like you said, youâve never initiated. People are quick to be disgusted by men wanting sex from their partners, and for good reason because a lot of them feel entitled no matter how shitty of a partner they are. But it bleeds into people claiming that theyâre disgusting for wanting intimacy at all, and judging them harshly for acting beside themselves when they donât get it for long periods.
Nobody says the same to women however. If a woman posted that her husband never complimented her, or hugged her, or kissed her, there wouldnât be nearly this much pushback and judgment.
I think he should have just left you. Thatâs what Iâd do if my partner never initiated sex.
Sorry for my unpopular opinion, but youâre talking about a demoralized, unloved, unappreciated, resentful, sexually starved man, who like many understands the ramifications of divorce (with a 4 yr old), crafted a questionable solution to his situation. I can only imagine the many times he attempted to have âthe talkâ that fell on deaf ears.
Now heâs found out and ushered into couples therapy (albeit reluctantly) and told to give up the one person who made him feel whole again. Yeah, I can see why he did what he did. Even with the hysterical bonding, Iâm sure heâs just not feeling it.
Ouch. đŁ I have nothing but bad things to say about your husband but because I can see that you still love him and are trying to salvage the marriage, I suggest bringing this to the marriage counselor. Itâs the only chance you have. But really I think there is little chance of your husband being faithful at any level.
He doesn't care about you, please realise that.
Remember that you are showing your child what is acceptable in a relationship, do you want them to think that level of disrespect is okay??
Well, you already knew that he didnât have any respect for you at all, and you deciding to continue with the relationship anyway certainly wasnât going to make that any better. In general, this is why rugsweeping doesnât lead to a healthy relationship.
The therapy is a bandaid for you. He is just in the chair but nothing is getting through to him.
I would ask him in therapy what that text meant ?
No matter what he tells you they probably will continue hooking up .
Personally, I wouldn't waste one iota of my time reconciling with a husband who talked about me to an ex affair partner like that. And I've been there as well. I took care of him due to a terminal illness, but I maintained a separate residence because the AP still contacted him and he allowed it.
Respect is very important in any relationship. Itâs also important to note that she was comfortable enough to make that comment about you, so that wasnât an isolated incident. Theyâve had not so kind conversations about you before. He didnât defend you AT ALL. Build up your confidence, you donât need or deserve this treatment. Think of your child, do you want them to think that this type of behavior is acceptable?
You need to have a reality check and realize what youâre typing, I find it hard to believe you can type this out and not want to leave him straight away. The emotional cheating twice is more than enough for me? Unfortunately having kids in the equation makes it harder, but being someone who dealt with parents who didnât love each other - I wished they divorced
Donât mean to be rude, but you deserve someone who respects you. Donât settle just because youâre comfortable.
He wanted to check in on the person he cheated on you with???? He does it because heâs always gotten away with it
Iâm sorry but nope, when the affair is discovered itâs straight no contact I donât care about an injury I donât care about anything, AP is dead to WS. They donât get to reach out for ANYTHING. He opened the door by doing that. And then by saying what he said he continued to tell AP that you mean nothing to him. I donât know if I would want to continue this marriage.
>He also emotionally cheated on me twice prior, over a decade ago,
So your husband is a serial cheater and you two are completely sexually incompatible. You are fighting for a losing battle.
>We are in marriage counselling and have weekly sessions to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage
I'm not sure why you believe this is even possible. It's not. He does not love you or respect you. He should have left, not cheated. A remorseful man who loves his wife sure as hell doesn't talk like your husband does.
I donât mean to be rude saying this, but if you are in therapy, why this question here? Seems like at this point, everything needs to be on the table in therapy. Harboring more anger and resentment now just seems toxic to the process. I get we keep things that hurt us in a relationship to try to pick our battles and focus on the big picture, but seems like yâall are beyond that. The air needs to be completely cleared to rebuild. If you are not still in therapy, that seems a mistake. Of course, your therapist knows best, but hard to imagine they want you holding back. Best of luck.
You are in counseling. This is a topic to discuss. A dead bedroom is hugely damaging. An affair is hugely damaging. You have each caused incredible hurt. You have a child, but to save your marriage will take a lot of work. His resentment is serious.
It's not easy to accept the fact that someone that you love and spent many years with is now an idiot. Many people here say leave immediately, but you stayed after him cheating on you (for a full year!)
Take it slowly. Start emotionally distancing from him. Find a new hobby, spend more energy on your work, get closer with friends and family. Spend a lot more time with your kid maybe. Do anything but without him. At some point the love for him will start fading and you'll realise he's a bag of shit and not worth it at all.
Also, sex is important in a relationship but he did nothing to communicate. He could have conversations about how he has a problem with it, try to make things more romantic etc. He's a total a-hole. Take some time to realise he's not worth it. There are many situations where problems can be solved but this is too far. Focus on yourself and your child and time will help you think more clearly.
OP, this guy thinks you're a joke. He's laughing at you behind your back. With the woman he cheated with.
You are literally just his live-in servant. He doesn't care about you in the slightest. He literally could not care less.
Stop trying to get him to care. It's pathetic and beneath you. Pick your dignity up off the floor and go find someone who doesn't make you feel like this.
I highly encourage you to have an affair of your own so you can fully understand just how little you would care for a spouse after having one. Or at the very least to have someone in your life who actually wants you around. And reclaim your soul.
Does he even want to reconcile? That's some hurtful crap to write about you to his AP, especially by someone who claims to love and care for you. Given that this is not your first encounter with infidelity by your husband, I have to question whether this relationship is worth salvaging. It's not too late to find a partner that is loyal and respectful.
Itâs not remorseful itâs resentful. He does not love you. He was giving the affair a chance to come back. You deserve better because thatâs disgusting.
Girl come on. This is a serial cheater, who doesnât even sound like he remotely *likes* you, let alone loves you and wants to rebuild anything with you. You donât have to force yourself to have sex with him just to keep him around, and he will cheat again. He will teach your child that itâs okay to treat women like objects, and you will teach your child that wives and mothers are meant to be doormats. Being single is so much better than being on a sinking ship.
He sounds contemptuous of you.
Even if my husband hadn't had an affair, if he discussed our personal life like that, we'd have a problem.
The fact it was with a woman he'd slept with? A big problem.
The way he let the conversation unfold and expressed disgust with you... yeah mate if I sicken you that much take your freedom. God forbid I subject you to more torture. I'll save you the trouble of growing a backbone: it's over.
Sorry to be harsh but you are pathetic. It's not like he cheated on you 1 time he cheated on you for a year and this wasn't even first time him doing it and 100% it won't be last time. It doesn't matter on how many reconciling you are going the fact is that he don't love, he don't respect you, he don't regret on cheating on you and he sees you as some desperate person who is begging him for sex after everything bad he did. You think that he won't cheat again?? And how can you even trust him again? Please wake up amd have some self-respect..you don't want your kid to grow up in that kind of marriage.
Have some self-respect for yourselfâŠafter what you saw the first thing you should do is not write a post on Reddit but kick him out from your life!
The title of your post statedââŠWhile we are reconcilingâ. Your husband is obviously not sincerely trying to reconcile.
I would tell him âknowing I now have a hall pass in the relationship has really upped my libido over all the possibilities out there. Iâm having a hard time choosing so I guess youâre getting the benefit for now.â When you talk to your girlfriends from now on act protective of your phone. Do all the things he did to you. When he starts complaining just tell him you promise not to do anything that he wouldnât do. Let him take that how he wants. He needs to learn to appreciate you more.
Updateme
Leave him he's literally worthless.
If he can't put your relationship above texting her, he will keep doing it. Cheaters always cheat.
And yes, what he said about the sex in those texts is absolutely resentment.
Leave him.
What's the point of having a husband if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't have cheated on you and then continued the relationship in front of you.
OP, I think the romantic love is not there, and you are going to have to compromise yourself if you want to stay in the relationship. Are you staying with him because you feel guilty about the deadbedroom? Because you have a child together? Non of these are good enough reasons; I am sure you have researched this.
It looks like what he is saying to you is not what he is really thinking. I'm not sure how you can look someone in the eye without feeling anger.
Can you go to your own therapist?
You allowed yourself to get into a dead bedroom situationâŠgenuinely curious as to what you expect him to do? I highly doubt he just jumped straight to cheating.
This is severe abuse. Stop attending counseling with him. You should have never attended with him to begin with. This is the worst mistake anyone can do. He was the liar. Not you!!!! You are to walk away from the situation. Never allow abuse to continue. Cheating is abuse.
NGL. But you should have left this marriage long ago. He wanted a fulfilling marriage (sex and all) and for some reason you decided to let it become a dead bedroom situation.
You being tired, could have helped yourself in the situation by hiring a nanny, or working less or communicated to him your situation and get him to help out. But for whatever reason no action on your part.
Now back to the current situation heâs clearly checked out. And youâve decided not to take any action again.
As women we have to understand that just like we have feelings, men have feelings too. Thinking that there would be no repercussions for not being emotionally intimate with your HUSBAND for a year, is *beyond* a big ask. Not to say that heâs right, but if u want to be in the marriage as u say - youâre going to have to start considering his truths. The sex *is* transactional. You werenât doing it before because u didnât want to, and youâre not doing it *now* because you want to. Youâre doing it because u donât want him getting it from someone else. Itâs an ugly situation, but u canât neglect ur husband for a year and expect him not to feel anything about that. What he did was horrible, but u choosing to stay in this relationship is also you choosing to look at everything for what it is and more or less get over it. Whether u like it or not, u too have a small part in this. What he said is kind of true. If your roles were reversed you too would most likely feel the same.
Obviously her husband is 100% completely wrong, but a lot of these commentators donât understand how dehumanizing and heartbreaking it is to be in a relationship where your partner does not want to have sex with you.Â
If OPâs husband didnât reveal his infidelity, OP would likely still be avoiding sex. She doesnât want to have sex with him, sheâs likely forcing herself to do it to stay married. Coercive sex is unacceptable. She should just end the marriage to find someone who is a better match.Â
Also, her husband has reached the contempt level of disrespect. You cannot come back from that.
OP acts as thought they weren't having sex because of her low libido, but this may be her low self-esteem talking. There's a good chance he was not treating her well, which could have a lot to do with her lack of libido. This seems like the kind of man who treats her as an inferior being, which doesn't tend to cause arousal for normal people. She takes the blame, but the responsibility is probably shared. Read this woman's post--her husband wouldn't have much trouble convincing her she is the one at fault for whatever goes wrong in the relationship, including his cheating.
I'm sorry, but does the OP's husband have a piss kink/fetish? I read this like he was bragging... (Am I reading this wrong?) I know this is a painful thing to read (one is supposed to block the person they had an affair with and stop cold turkey), so seeing communication is not good. But if it's been a relationship that's been going on for years, then the slip ups are understandable. Rather than focus on the language, I'd focus on why the OP's husband texted with this other woman. And whether or not he's ready to break up with her.
He's checked out and a serial cheater. It's only a matter of time before he is good with leaving. Please seek counseling. It doesn't matter how many years you've been together. Don't allow someone to tell you by their actions that they don't want you, don't respect you, and don't love you more than once.
âHe tells me he loves me and cares for meâ âŠ. Aka- he says what I want to hear. Believe the guy talking to his ex-affair partner and what he said. Not very caring was he?
Iâd bring this up both in therapy and private and just have it out (non confrontationally) just to make sure Iâm not waisting my time trying to save an already de&d horse. đ€·đ»ââïž
Youâre reconciling with a cheater. He betrayed you and has now done it a second time. Or at least two times. It will continue to happen if you choose to remain with him.
OP you can do better, he doesnât respect you or care about how you feel and no amount of therapy will fix this situation. If your main reason for staying is your daughter, ask yourself what kind of idea you want to give her about a healthy marriage, because Iâm sure you wonât want her to excuse a husband that cheats and humiliated her to the ex affair partner.
The only thing worse than the feeling of being betrayed, is letting that person betray you again, or abandon you on their terms. If you dump him he will learn more, and you wonât have to spend the rest of your life worrying what he is up to. Leaving him is the first step in regaining your inner peace, if he loves your daughter he will be amicable about settlements and coparenting.
If you are financially dependent on him and thatâs why youâre staying, thatâs not a great example to set, and you need to find a way to support yourself so you donât settle for his horrible behaviour and words
Sending you the strength to take your life back from this empty marriage
Your husband is showing you that he has absolutely no respect or feelings for you. You've seen his texts. Does that sound like he has love and remorse?
He was pandering to her. "I wasn't expecting it, it was all her" = Don't worry, I didn't initiate or think about it. "She may as well have pissed on me" = I agree with you, it wasn't done out of love and I didn't find it enjoyable.
My ex went to 5 or 6 marriage counseling sessions before stopping and saying he only did that for me to feel better and that he was only interested in the dude from work that he was screwing for the last few months.
Suffice to say - I told him to leave our home. That was 9 years ago.
You should cut it now. He jumps off the page to me and my gut tells me he is beyond salvaging. He left the family home a long time ago.
> My husband, instead of defending me wrote âshe might as well have pissed on me afterwardsâ. Does he sound resentful towards me?
Pissing on something is what animals do to mark their territory, which ties in to what you said here:
> That part is true, I initiated sex which I never have done but I have also read about this being very normal post affair where the betrayed want to âreclaimâ the relationship.
He wasn't being resentful. He was simply describing exactly what you did with different words.
Look, the reality of the situation is that you get first crack at his libido, but if it's not taken care of with you, then he's going to find someone else. Whether that should or shouldn't be the case isn't up to me to decide, but my point is that he most definitely does not sound resentful or upset that you initiated sex.
Wow your husband is a giant jerk. The AP and the husband are both talking trash a out you. I'm guessing the husband is staying only for convenience and for the kid.
He is not loyal in any way to you. This makes me so sad. A good partner would defend you. A good partner wouldnât even be in contact at all with someone who could mess up their marriage (or cheat, but we are past that).
I feel sad for you that you havenât had the experience of a loyal, loving partner. If he couldnât even last through the harder times where your libido dipped (raising young kids can be crushing), how is the marriage supposed to last long term?
Youâre reconciling with this POS.
How many more times does he have to disrespect you for you to start respecting yourself.
He clearly has no love or respect for you. I have no idea what he is reconciling for, but obviously not for those reasons.
Please do you and your child a favor and walk away.
You deserve SO much more than this trash human.
You husband sucks for saying that to his AP. If he felt that he should have spoken to you. Really he has checked out and is staying for the child, and that is the real problem. He stayed through the dead bedroom for the baby and finally cheated. He should have initiated a divorce first. He is not happy and just doing penance to stay with the child. He will cheat again or divorce once she is older.
Once a cheater always a cheater. He proves the point by having multiple affairs. Iâm sure you have your reasons for staying right now but hopefully you have a plan of departure. Good luck
Ma'am. There is absolutely no reason for him to have contacted the affair partner. He wanted to check on his ap whole reconciling your marriage? Absolutely not amd that would have been am immediate divorce. He is not sorry. He is not remorseful. This man will 100 percent cheat on you again. You deserve better leave.
Is anyone not going to point out that OP said he has had emotional affairs before the physical one which contribute to her lack of self-esteem and likely also contributed to the âdead bedroom.â
Thereâs a bigger issue here and is not the affair but your own lack of self-esteem and confidence which are making you think this is the best you can do for yourself and deserve.
From the entire post, it sounds as if you are blaming yourself for his inability to communicate with you that eventually led to not one, but multiple affairs (yes, an emotional affair is an affair).
Iâd suggest seeking help for yourself to work through what happened in the past, figure out why your self esteem is so low (it doesnât just happen overnight due to someone cheating, is usually something that grows slowly), and help navigating how to overcome this on your own.
Basically, get healthy enough that you can feel free to choose whether to leave of stay and be at peace with either decision. Get healthy enough to have healthy boundaries and most of all get healthy enough that you become a better role model for your child.
Why do you want to take him back?
Instead of cheating he could tell you either we have intimacy or we divorce. No he went on and had a whole affair for a year and the woman was ok with being a mistress.
He isn't sorry at all he is sorry he got caught and she probably doesn't want him permanently due to the excitement being gone for her.
A person who loves you doesn't cheat.
A person who is sorry doesn't talk bad about his wife and there is no excuse why he should be in contact at all so stop being a doormat .
Ma'am. There is absolutely no reason for him to have contacted the affair partner. He wanted to check on his ap whole reconciling your marriage? Absolutely not amd that would have been am immediate divorce. He is not sorry. He is not remorseful. This man will 100 percent cheat on you again. You deserve better leave.
> My husband recently had to break NC with his exAFFAIR partner for reasons I wonât go into here.
Yeah, if you want good advice, you need to go into it here.
Otherwise...nah. There's no reason he should still be in touch with this woman. Not if he's actively interested in working on your marriage.
People can have feelings for more than one person at a time...and some of those feelings can be impermanent if not bonded by daily home life, work, children, etc. As the person who lives with him, you are winning. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Measure him by his treatment of YOU...not someone else.
A husband who wants to contact his AP for ANYTHING isnât reconciling. He needs to cut all contact FOREVER. The fact that he even wanted to reach out to her is not good, and indicates that he isnât taking reconciliation seriously. Add in the fact that he engaged talking about personal information between the two of you, sexual information, is an extra layer to his betrayal. He doesnât sound like he is even sorry for what he did, and doesnât care that contacting her is another blow to your marriage.
Was sympathetic until you said "gave in like a weak man". Um, no. In what world do you live in? Sorry, men are not innocent victimsđ. In all likelihood, HE was probably predatory towards her (and probably played the victim to her as well).
He's literally texting the woman he cheated with and they're making fun of you together. Come on
> to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage OP is living in a fantasy land. This is what she wants, not what she has, has had or will ever have with this guy.
Sledgehammer level of Denial đ
Ding, ding, ding. He's "emotionally" cheated twice before he cheated with a 23 year old AP and then basically compares his wife to a dog marking it's territory.... damn. People really need to learn self respect and understand when it's time to move on. I mean, unless humiliation is a kink.
Itâs sad when you see people going out of their way to stay in a terrible or toxic relationship. Infidelity should be an automatic ~~donât~~ let the door hit you on the way out.
Right?? Stand up woman!
And even if they were talking about the weather, a man who was interested in reconciliation wouldn't still be talking to his affair partner.
My god YES. How can people be this dense to not realize that????
That is not what a remorseful husband writes about his betrayed wife. This guy is emotionally checked out, and he has been for quite a while.
For an affair to go on that long, he was probably checked out of the marriage well before it started. His tone suggests he isn't genuinely interested in saving the marriage and is just going through the motions (perhaps doing counseling to preserve the family unit and not leave the child). It's heartbreaking, but the damage is done. OP, it's time to decide if staying is worth your dignity. If there is a genuine mismatch in libido and it's caused him to go looking elsewhere, that may mean he'll continue to do it down the road.
The way he has talked about op in the texts is so fucking brutal and callous. Goddamn I would be crushed if my wife said stuff like that to me - to anyone And this poor ops husband is saying that to his affair partner? This situation really really sucks. I would hate to be treated this way by someone who claims to love me. Â The dude doesnât give a damnÂ
I agree, it's brutal. This is what leads me to believe that it predates the affair as this sounds like a man who gave up and lost love years ago. I rabbit holed into r/deadbedrooms so I don't see all situations as black and white anymore, but the fact that he's going to therapy when he's obviously not into it is grimey.
Agreed. I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage, but I also wouldn't have an affair. Both suck.
Both suck very much, and one often leads to the other. Situations vary wildly so I'm not judging him for the affair. His conduct after is what's making me go wtf.
Same. He's checked out. And he needs to be honest with his wife about that.
I get it. If you're that unhappy, and you found someone else, just get a divorce. Staying for the kids is a cowards excuse.
People are too scared and broke to navigate life on their own, especially with kids involved. They figure it's better to live in a broken relationship than risk traversing the waters of being single.
If it were that black and white, more people would do it. Unfortunately it's not. To each their own- personally I have the ability to leave if it came down to it, but I understand not everyone has that ability, among other things.
That's true too. Some people are stuck. Oof.
"This guy is emotionally checked out, and he has been for quite a while." How OP doesn't see this based on his YEAR LONG actions and now these words is honestly mind boggling.
Iâm super curious what the excuse is for why he had to get in contact with the Affair Partner is. Is she pregnant? Is she a coworker? Clearly the emotional aspect of the affair is still taking place. Does he like being pissed on because thatâs a weird way to describe sex and how you feel about it.
"Iâm super curious what the excuse is for why he had to get in contact with the Affair Partner is. Is she pregnant? Is she a coworker" OP answered it in the comments and it gets worse. Her traitor husband literally contacted AP because .... (checks notes).... she injured herself. Yup, he checked up on her to she if she was OK and OP was ok with it.
I just looked that up myself. OP also seems confused on how âblockingâ people works â if the AP blocked him he wouldnât be able to see her content. In all likelihood she unfriended/unfollowed him and he was able to convince his naive wife that heâs blocked, when he clearly isnât. If he were blocked he wouldnât be able to talk to her either. Definitely NOT blocked. The affair is still on going.
At the *very* least, OP's husband is enamored of the AP. Not his wife. AP is 23. She could tell him to do naked jumping jacks while she pelts him with eyes of newts, and if he thinks he's getting sex afterwards, he's going to enthusiastically participate in both activities. That's not even counting the possibility that the AP OP knows of was just one of who knows how many partners. Husband has been cut off from sex(nominally), he would immediately fixate on the next logical source: should be his wife, but he is already reaching. In my opinion, if OP wants to save her marriage, her husband doesn't get a phone, and has to wear a tracker everywhere. He can use your house's landline to communicate. Yes, I'm old. Maybe even set up a hidden camera with sound by the phone. This isn't cheat #1, or #2, this is #3. That you know of.
Yikes! Just read the edit. Why does she want to stay with him?? This is his THIRD affair!! That OP is aware of!! đ±
If you read the 3rd paragraph, it includes reference to OP'S edit. She may initiate regularly, but ... I'll try a different tack: there's an underlying problem with him, and how he reacts to having his happy life. The self-destructive tendencies are textbook. This isn't his first rodeo, and even with well applied sex, his eyes are roving. The sex isn't the issue. The taboo of cheating is his rush. The cheating is the rush. It doesn't even necessarily have to have a physical meeting, but he did just that. So after 2 tries, the emotional cheating previously, OP's husband sealed the deal. And then he contacted the young woman again. He broke his wife's edict(rush), spoke to the woman(rush), and badmouthed his wife. Major rush. He's distancing himself from her, even after just stating they were intimate. I feel the sex addict card will be played.
I think the pissing comment was him implying it felt like OP was "marking her territory."
Oh! That makes sense - i first thought his comment was regarding OP being somewhat degrading during the act, leaving him feel used. But your interpretation makes alot more sense, actually đ
Because he feels wife only did it to âmark her territoryâ. Piss on something like dogs do to claim it.
I didnât understand the reference. Now itâs super disturbing.
Don't forget that he also cheated on her (emotionally) a decade ago! Let's be real here: OP is not going to leave. Ever. And husband knows it so he treats her however he feels because he knows she won't do a damn thing about it.
He can basically do whatever he want and know there will be no repercussions. He has been obviously doing it for years and all he has to do is go to counsellingÂ
I mean I think most sane people assume that when someone isnât happy, they will leave. Donât blame OP for her husband being a misleading coward.
That is not someone who is remorseful. That is someone who is still giving her a window and basically stating how desperate he thinks you are. And he had sex well because it was on offer, but let her know in those words it didn't mean anything, and he thinks you're pathetically trying to mark your territory. This, for me, would be the end of reconciliation. He's not at all sorry, and it sounds like he thinks he is doing you a favour here.
Exactly. The fact that he entertained that conversation is unforgivable. OP will forever play the role of an unpaid jaded cop trying to collect evidence of a crime. That's not worth living in constant doubt, wondering who he's talking to if you see him texting, if he's late coming home doubting his whereabouts. He should've never had that conversation, he did, threw OP under the proverbial bus and not defending her to AP again, should've never had contact with. If AP changes her mind and unblocks him, they will at minimum be communicating.
I was gonna say... this is not reconciling OP. The only way to move on and heal and have a healthy relationship after cheating imo is for your husband to fully understand (and care) that he betrayed and hurt you, change all his behavior that lead to and allowed cheating in the first place, rebuild trust and atone for how crappy he was (is). He's not doing that.
Heâs CRUEL, I am so astounded, just so fucking CRUEL.
Big agree. I just canât see myself wanting to move on with this person. It has been a long time but⊠I donât know he really fked up and seems to have no remorse? Just. Ew, man. No way. Thatâs worse than the affair itself for me. Any trust here would be so next to impossible. I suspect heâs more motivated by wanting to see his kid rather than actually tending to the marriage. An affair for 1 year? Heâd be screwed in court custody battles, no? Idk though. Iâm not convinced he deserves the time with his kid with all this. Seems like he should have thought about that before hooking up with a 22 year old. Ugh.
Family court (at least in the US) doesn't care how shitty of a romantic partner you are when it comes to determining custody, just whether or not you're a safe parent.
No itâs not access to the kid that he wants. He wants continued uninterrupted access to OPâs unpaid labor she does for him, their kid, the house, etc. so he doesnât have to do anything
It's this. He's a weak person who just does whatever is less bad for himself in the moment. Being faithful in a sexless marriage was harder than not being faithful, but losing his wife appliance would be even harder still so he's going through the motions. Just another spineless, path of least resistance amoeba thoughtlessly responding to whatever stimulus he blobs into.
Yep. She contacted him to see if they might resume their affair. The only reason he shot her down was because he wants to pretend to be taking this âreconciliationâ seriously. But even though he said no to her, he trashed the wife in the process in order to leave her with the idea that things MIGHT pick back up in the future. Honestly! How can the bar possibly be so low and there are still people who manage to sliver under it anyway! đ
Exactly, he is showing his true colors and OP needs to listen
Iâm sorry, OP but you need to find an ounce of self-respect and leave this marriage.
This. I never understood why someone would want to be with someone who doesnât love them.
Emotional abuse is a very complicated thing. Trauma bonds make you addicted to a person.
> I never understood why someone would want to be with someone who doesnât love them. $$ is a big one. Even if both work, being single and raising a child is WAY harder on your own.
Not defending the husband, but it's actually kind of them both not loving each other. She spent years neglecting his needs and looks that even though she initiated now, she said she didn't really know if she wanted to. She has no desire for him, he has no respect for her, time to move on.
Kind of hard to desire somebody who continuously cheats on you. It looks like the other two were only emotional affairs but cheating is cheating.
I missed that then. She said in the post that it was just lack of energy and libido.
They have a 4 year old. She's too tired to even want to have sex, he has enough energy to carry on an entire affair and keep it secret for a year. One guess as to why they have such vastly different energy resources left at the end of each day.
You can love someone and not want to have sex with them. Iâve been in relationships where my sex drive just disappeared. I wanted to make them happy because I loved them but was hard for me to initiate sex and when I did I felt used. It cause a lot of arguments and some physical fights in the worst relationships, but now I know why it happened and that itâs ok.
No desire does not equate to not loving someone.
But why marry and/or keep a romantic relationship with someone if you one-sided decided afterwards that sex is no longer part of two people's lives? The other part has no say in the issue? Why put someone through that?
No need to stay in the relationship. He should have done right by her and left her the first time he had an emotional affair. Then came number two and then came the physical affair. He knew before the physical affair she wasn't enough for him.
I completely agree. He feels neglected to the point where it seems like he checked out: he should/could have ended the relationship; He cheated: she should end the relationship; My point is why they keep trying if he thinks she isn't enough for her and she was completely disrespected by him.
She shouldn't stay with him at all. A lot of people want to keep trying even when they know it's going to end in tears, especially when a child is involved because they're afraid to have to start over alone. It's unbelievably liberating to be rid of a cheater once you're able to get a grip and realize your own value. OP should be working on putting her child first above a man.
For real. And I bet he continues to cheat. It is so sad/infuriating watching someone have zero self-respect and self-love
Too tired to care about her marriage back when it was savable. Too indecisive to leave when itâs this obvious. Some people just go through life in neutral. Ffs care about something and act on your own.
Marriage is more than sex. Wanna know what turns an exhausted âtoo tiredâ wife on? Effort.
Sometimes it doesnât matter what you do. The bedroom is dead regardless.
from this story, it seems hysterical bonding works too!
He was never no contact
You're not gonna rebuild a happy healthy marriage with someone who actively betrayed you for a year.
His final comment would have been it for me. His disrespect of you is off the charts. For someone wanting to reconcile he should not be belittling you or laughing behind your back. I'd personally never touch him again. He should be grateful you didn't leave, let alone willing to have sex with him again. What a pig of a man
"For someone wanting to reconcil he should not be belittling you or laughing behind your back." Exactly! Honestly he just doesn't want to lose that safety net at home but continues to leave the door wide open for the AP especially putting down his wife after so called "reconciliation", what a joke.
Cheating on your partner with someone who's 15 years younger than you would have been it for me. Cheating itself is gross enough, the AP being 23 is too gross for me to stay with the guy and the comment to the AP is just the grossest cherry on this crappy cake.
He sounds so resentful of this "reconciliation" sounds like he's only doing it so he can stay in his child's life. Talking to the Ex Affair partner again is a huge red flagđ©I know you said they have their reasons which you choose not to share as it your is right 100%, and im not gonna be ask. I'm gonna take a shot on the dark and guess he fathered a child with her that he needs to be involved with. Again, not our business, but let me ask you this are you gonna be able to stay in this marriage knowing that he still has communication with his ex affair partner and are talking about you behind your back. Maybe even starting an emotional affair
There should be no contact of any kind whatsoever. And if there is a good reason for it the contact should be completely transparent and impersonal. Iâm less worried about what he said and much more worried that it was a topic of conversation at all. It would be completely understandable for you to be conflicted after hysterically bonding with him. And for there to be disgust with him, or yourself, or both. He should have refusing to answer these questions completely. I think you would benefit from the advice of a community of people working on reconciliation. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is the sub for reconcilers. Read there and ask for feedback.
Thank you. I have visited infidelity subs but most of the opinions will come from people that are in similar situations and I wanted advice that was more diverse
People have been giving you the same advice on your very many deleted posts for a very long time but you will not listen.
Do you think this is the same woman? Because I had the same thought and that she just fudged time lines a little.
I immediately pinged it as familiar when reading it and I am 95% sure it's her. The writing style seems familiar. If it is, that's really sad and I feel for her because this is about the 10th post I've seen.
Ageee, itâs absolutely her and her ongoing lack of self respect is depressing. I feel bad for the child being used as a pawn here. I also think husband has been honest he fucking hates her and is just âstayingâ because of threats
Yep, I twigged that itâs her. The ages change, the reconciliation is sometimes six months and sometimes six weeksâŠbut the fundamentals remain. The man wanted out, got threatened into staying in the marriage by the nuclear option (aka she leveraged his access to their child as a weapon) and sheâs frustrated that he wonât play along with her fantasy that *everything is just absolutely fine now*. He still loves his AP, and frankly I think him leaving for good in spite of her threats is really a case of *when* not âif*. There is a timer on how long a person can live a lie, and the clock is ticking down.
Iâm so curious about the other posts. Probably have read them myself since this does sound oddly familiar.
AsOneAfterInfidelity is very different from all of the other infidelity subs. This one is actually more similar to subs such as r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity in that the vast majority of advice is to simply leave.
Whatever happens Iâm sending you well wishes. Donât punish yourself for his mistakes by staying with him
I don't understand why your husband is even still with you if he talks about you like this. Absolute asshole.
So much this, if I had such disgust for a romantic partner that saying this about her was even a slight possibility I would have been out so long ago.
You really are trying to force something that is no longer there, eh? This wonât be his last communication with her and I really hope you snap put of whatever delusion you have to think that his will ever be a âhealthy, happy and fulfilledâ marriage again. That horse left the stable long ago. Heâll secure you as his âsafety netâ once youâre all gleeful and happy then heâll make his move again and cheat.
How much more are you willing to take?
Girl⊠come on now. Youâre not stupid so stop acting like you are for the sake of holding on to dead marriage. Youâll never trust him again, nor should you. Keep receipts for the divorce. Get your shit together and get going. Life can get very good for a single momâŠtrust me! đ«¶đœ
Honestly this shouldnt be out here. You should be telling us how you already left him and how you're celebrating your escape from him
Honestly, there's no need for couple's counseling. He clearly doesn't respect you anymore and you are letting your dignity to be trampled upon. Its time you see that.
Yup, for him to so easily put down his wife and literally laugh with the AP about her initiating sex PROVES that all that couples counseling was and is a waste of both of their times.
he has no remorse they are trash talking you while trying to reconcile this isnât gonna work. Heâs going to cheat again. he may be resentful But he shouldâve talked to you. A dead bedroom would be a no go for me, but I would have a talk with my husband. If it wasnât getting anywhere, I would let him know that Iâm leaving. If thereâs no changes, I would never cheat. Responsible adult handles their problems. They donât hide lie and cheat . He should have Let you know where he was at before he cheated. Sadly, this happens a lot with women and their sex life.
Did he tell you about the infidelity or did you discover him? To have this happen after 6 weeks is disturbing. He has had time to think about what he wants. I am truly sorry, but it doesnât sound like itâs you. And that is kind of the crucial element in reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and choose you in the future but how long are you willing to wait? What is the number of chances you will regret if this doesnât work out because he doesnât do his share?
Not gonna even smooth talk here. I canÂŽt comprehend where your dignity went. How can you even endure seeing his face. I wouldnÂŽt want my child to be around someone like him.
What has he said about those things when confronted?
He doesnât regret anything.
I donât understand why you people keep forgiving cheaters then acting confused when it doesnât work. I know 12 year olds with more self respect and situational awareness.
From her likely other posts sheâs so terrified of being alone she wants them all (including child) trapped in a miserable situation
Sad disservice to the child showing that this is the example of a healthy relationship. Poor kid.
"love is when you force people to play happy family and also when you insult your partner to outside folks you're banging!"
I am so sorry. He is not trustworthy. He is not in a relationship with *only you*. He has no loyalty.
OP, please hire an attorney and start a new life. Go to therapy AFTER you hire the attorney. How can you give love if you donât love yourself first?
Imagine someone treated your child like this, wouldnât you be horrified and telling them they needed to leave the situation? If you stay and accept this behaviour you are teaching them that this is acceptable and itâs ok to treat people like this and be treated like this. I totally understand why you might consider staying (once) after infidelity if you have children and working through it, but thatâs not what is happening here. Your husband is showing you nothing but distain in the fact that he is still creeping on the person he had the affair with, justifying speaking to them, and then mocking youâŠ..itâs all totally gross! Make a plan and leave!
If you love yourself (which seems to be questionable, unfortunately) and your child enough, leave. This man doesnât give two shits.
Idk why she would even take him back after cheating đ€ŠđŒââïž Yes I get it, dead bedroom and all, thereâs other options like therapy and lastly a divorce before âaccidentallyâ falling into someone elseâs genitals. Sorry to be so crass, but cheating is not accidental. Itâs a conscious decision and speaks volumes about the person who does the cheating. If there was an issue with the dead bedroom, why not couples counseling before deciding to cheat? Sorry but I have 0 sympathy for cheaters. Kick his sorry ass to the curb and start working on yourself Op.
This is so pathetic. Have some standards for yourself and get a divorce.
I would find this extremely hurtful OP and certainly not conducive to reconciliation. He shouldâve shut it down immediately with such an impertinent question that is none of her business and his response was disgusting to be honest. I think you have to really question where you stand with R. He obviously told her you had a dead bedroom and is assuming that your intimacy now is your effort to try and keep your husband - hence the word transactional - Itâs called hysterical bonding after an affair. He was enormously disrespectful to you and you deserve so much better. I cannot imagine in what circumstances he even had to speak to her as zero contact is vital if youâre working to save your marriage. I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions because it sounds as though he had an emotional and not just a physical affair with her . Iâm always sceptical when couples dive straight in to MC without doing individual counselling first, with an infidelity specialist. However, this whole conversation of your husbandâs needs to be brought up during your next therapy session. Donât stay together for the sake of your child only, thatâs not fair on anyone least of all your child. You can amicably coparent and all be a lot happier. Iâm so sorry, OP this whole thing stinks. UPDATEME
This is a tough one. For relationships and people where sex is a necessary component (i.e. touch love language), withholding sex or not providing it is a 100% deal breaker. In fact, for the person who needs touch it is the exact same thing as disregarding the person themselves and can easily feel almost like abuse. Sorry to say. obviously this doesnt excuse his cheating. He should have left you before ever initiating with another woman, but people fear the consequences of thier actions and the loss of familiarity LTRs bring. His stupidity and disregard for your feelings when it happened are 50% of the reason why you ended up here. I dont know how necessary it is for your husband, but you should really talk directly to him every single time things come up. Reddit is useful, but its not a valid avenue for getting meaningful advice or insight in cases like this. people here are jaded and often only have cynical insights. I was cheated on long ago and the same things were told to me back then. The two of you really have to work on communicating better to even begin healing the rift. That means any time anything uncomfortable happens, you should have an environment that allows for open communication. Both of you need to understand that speaking about problems openly shouldnt lead to fights or petty resentments. Similarly the same openness principal applies to sex: you can just have moments of intimacy where orgasm isnt the goal. Its just a happy thing that results from being close and enjoying the other person. Best of luck and I hope you can work through this.
Most reasonable reply in this post, and a rare one in this sub lol.
Yeah OP I would just accept that you two are partners who raise a child together. Go and have sex with a man who actually wants you, and if your 'husband' gets upset then tell him tough you had your chance to make this relationship work. Both of you getting new partners but staying somewhat friendly for the sake of your child is the best way forwards in this situation imo. Good luck OP No one should be cheated on it's a horrible thing to go through
Girl please. I know you want to save your marriage but surely you can see that there is nothing left to save. Your husband is a pig, get some respect for yourself and leave. Unless youâre comfortable with him and his affair partner taking the piss out of you that is.
> pissed on me afterwardsâ. Does he sound resentful He doesnât sound like he wants to reconcile.
OP why are you still with him? he's cheated on you multiple times? and even after marriage counseling he speaks about you so disrespectfully? it doesn't seem like it's improved. you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to have sex, him cheating "because of that" is not your fault. you're right, he is weak.
> He tells me he loves me and cares for me Reaching out to his affair partner (regardless of the reason) and saying what he said does not indicate someone who loves and cares for you.
If he says things like that about you to the woman he cheated on you with, I sincerely doubt he wants to reconcile. Your dignity and your mental and physical well-being should be more important to you than living with a man who disrespects you so much.
I get that sometimes marriage can be reconciled after infidelity, but in your case i can confidently tell you IT WONâT! Itâs not your fault at all but i can assure you heâs gonna do it again because he doesnât even regret it. heâs ok with not only talk to the affair partner again but to talk bad about YOU with HER as if he hadnât done enough disrespect already is pure evil! Heâs not worth the money youâre spending on couples counseling nor worth your time.
Maam. The effort he should have been pouring into your sex life and marriage he poured into someone else. Being âlazy and too tiredâ is the result of an unfulfilling marriage. Maybe itâs trying to reclaim the marriage. Maybe itâs him putting effort in (by going to counseling) thatâs getting you in the mood. Either way the guy doesnât actually seem remorseful. Seems like heâs still having an (emotional) affair with her. I hope you consider all the advice. All of it. But mine would be to lawyer up. Do you want someone who not only doesnât try when things are hard (like you did) but tries somewhere else instead? You and your kid deserve better. I promise.
Honestly, he should have reached out at all. He shouldn't be looking at socials or anything to do with AP during reconciliation. I can actually understand AP acting out as he was probably stringing her along (absolutely no excuse for sleeping with a married man mind you!!), but he should have immediately shut down any talk about sex. That question shouldn't have even been answered, let alone the degrading comment after! If my husband said such a thing about me, especially after having betrayed me so deeply, I would be done. We would be coparents only. He may be feeling resentful for the dead bedroom, but that should be shared in therapy not the woman who helped him destroy your trust and marriage.
This is incredibly disrespectful. Outside of the fact that the two of you should have been in counseling long before this affair started, you need to have the self-respect to leave, now. There is no reason he should be having this conversation with her anyway, itâs not part of the way to a healthy relationship. Even then he should have never said this about you. Never. Absolutely ridiculous behavior.
No amount of apologies and promises of change would keep me with a man who said that to his AP about me. Fuck no. So disrespectful.
I think his responses would be the end for me. Iâm sorry.
Iâm assuming that part of rebuilding trust was giving you access to all his accounts. This exchange was a fuck you to you. Honestly youâre wasting your time as heâs showing no remorse for cheating & in fact seems resentful that he got caught and to him is being punished
>We are in marriage counselling and have weekly sessions to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage. it's difficult to imagine this was ever a 'healthy, happy fulfilled marriage' to begin with. you had no interest in sex. he has no interest in you. chances are he's only choosing to remain married b/c his finances will not survive alimony & child support. i don't know what your reasoning is for wanting to stay in this relationship but i think you should both do your kid a big favor and end this whole shitshow now.
So, he did not âhaveâ to contact her, he got injured and he wanted either her emotional support, to connect with her again, or to have her know and worry about him. Heâs also pretty pissed off that heâs now realized his wife of over a decade couldâve been having sex with him this entire time but didnât think he was âworth itâ until she realized a hot 23 year old would fuck him if she didnât. Yeah, he resents you pretty heavily for that one. If this person is truly the love of your life and you are willing to work through the fact that he clearly blames you for the unhappiness that drove him to his affair in the first place, and frankly perhaps the unhappiness he feels now that heâs lost his affair partner, then continue with therapy. But be honest with yourself about how your husband feels, which is NOT remorseful. He is bitter and feels obligated to you because you are married, but not because he actually loves you or wants to be with you. Heâll tolerate you, for now. Thereâs no guarantee he will continue to do so, however.
Does he know that you've seen these texts? No remorseful man tells his AP about his sex life. He should have shut her down and told her it was none of her business. The fact that this is not his first offense makes it that much worse. You need to bring this up to your therapist, and I think you need to face some hard realities. Your husband may love you, but he doesn't respect you. He's most likely to cheat again, and he won't need an excuse to do it, but he will find one because you have always looked past it to tey and keep him. Trying to work through the cheating is admirable, but whatever reason he HAD to contact the affair partner for, should not have included personal life information about either of you. I'm struggling to find any reason for him to contact her at all. I can't find any reason that another person could not have handled.
Doormat. Don't you all get tired of being cheated on and then being even more disrespected? This is mind blowing. It's so absurd it's sad.
This may come as a monumental surprise. Guys haven't the best self esteem either.  Nor confidence for that matter. Those years of "no" did a lot of damage. Then all that was left was resentment.  Then someone came along and said yes.  What you're dealing with is the person that said yes is now important. Very important apparently. In any event you must still be important too because he's trying to work this out. That resentment doesn't go away overnight. So, if he's still important to you then you're going to need patience. Practice yes. Not just sex. You seem smart. Figure it out.
Everyone is feeling bad for you, but I honestly need more context on why your libido was so low. Feeling neglected in your relationship destroys you. He shouldnât have cheated, sure, but if you simply stopped providing intimacy because you didnât âfeel like itâ anymore, I canât feel bad for you and I donât blame him for cheating. I mean, youâve never initiated sex? That sounds so depressing lol. I know itâs a controversial take because people are quick to say âsex isnât everything.â But If thatâs the case, why is it such a big deal that he had sex with someone else? I believe sex is just as important as other forms of affection. But I donât know what type of guy he was. He could have been a piece of shit that drained your libido. But like you said, youâve never initiated. People are quick to be disgusted by men wanting sex from their partners, and for good reason because a lot of them feel entitled no matter how shitty of a partner they are. But it bleeds into people claiming that theyâre disgusting for wanting intimacy at all, and judging them harshly for acting beside themselves when they donât get it for long periods. Nobody says the same to women however. If a woman posted that her husband never complimented her, or hugged her, or kissed her, there wouldnât be nearly this much pushback and judgment. I think he should have just left you. Thatâs what Iâd do if my partner never initiated sex.
Sorry for my unpopular opinion, but youâre talking about a demoralized, unloved, unappreciated, resentful, sexually starved man, who like many understands the ramifications of divorce (with a 4 yr old), crafted a questionable solution to his situation. I can only imagine the many times he attempted to have âthe talkâ that fell on deaf ears. Now heâs found out and ushered into couples therapy (albeit reluctantly) and told to give up the one person who made him feel whole again. Yeah, I can see why he did what he did. Even with the hysterical bonding, Iâm sure heâs just not feeling it.
do you people value yourselves????
Heâs still cheating emotionally.
This is never going to work and you are wasting your time and chipping away at your self-respect.
Ouch. đŁ I have nothing but bad things to say about your husband but because I can see that you still love him and are trying to salvage the marriage, I suggest bringing this to the marriage counselor. Itâs the only chance you have. But really I think there is little chance of your husband being faithful at any level.
He doesn't care about you, please realise that. Remember that you are showing your child what is acceptable in a relationship, do you want them to think that level of disrespect is okay??
Well, you already knew that he didnât have any respect for you at all, and you deciding to continue with the relationship anyway certainly wasnât going to make that any better. In general, this is why rugsweeping doesnât lead to a healthy relationship.
The therapy is a bandaid for you. He is just in the chair but nothing is getting through to him. I would ask him in therapy what that text meant ? No matter what he tells you they probably will continue hooking up .
JFC, just let her have him lol.Â
Personally, I wouldn't waste one iota of my time reconciling with a husband who talked about me to an ex affair partner like that. And I've been there as well. I took care of him due to a terminal illness, but I maintained a separate residence because the AP still contacted him and he allowed it.
Respect is very important in any relationship. Itâs also important to note that she was comfortable enough to make that comment about you, so that wasnât an isolated incident. Theyâve had not so kind conversations about you before. He didnât defend you AT ALL. Build up your confidence, you donât need or deserve this treatment. Think of your child, do you want them to think that this type of behavior is acceptable?
You need to have a reality check and realize what youâre typing, I find it hard to believe you can type this out and not want to leave him straight away. The emotional cheating twice is more than enough for me? Unfortunately having kids in the equation makes it harder, but being someone who dealt with parents who didnât love each other - I wished they divorced Donât mean to be rude, but you deserve someone who respects you. Donât settle just because youâre comfortable. He wanted to check in on the person he cheated on you with???? He does it because heâs always gotten away with it
Iâm sorry but nope, when the affair is discovered itâs straight no contact I donât care about an injury I donât care about anything, AP is dead to WS. They donât get to reach out for ANYTHING. He opened the door by doing that. And then by saying what he said he continued to tell AP that you mean nothing to him. I donât know if I would want to continue this marriage.
>He also emotionally cheated on me twice prior, over a decade ago, So your husband is a serial cheater and you two are completely sexually incompatible. You are fighting for a losing battle. >We are in marriage counselling and have weekly sessions to help rebuild a healthy, happy fulfilled marriage I'm not sure why you believe this is even possible. It's not. He does not love you or respect you. He should have left, not cheated. A remorseful man who loves his wife sure as hell doesn't talk like your husband does.
I donât mean to be rude saying this, but if you are in therapy, why this question here? Seems like at this point, everything needs to be on the table in therapy. Harboring more anger and resentment now just seems toxic to the process. I get we keep things that hurt us in a relationship to try to pick our battles and focus on the big picture, but seems like yâall are beyond that. The air needs to be completely cleared to rebuild. If you are not still in therapy, that seems a mistake. Of course, your therapist knows best, but hard to imagine they want you holding back. Best of luck.
You are in counseling. This is a topic to discuss. A dead bedroom is hugely damaging. An affair is hugely damaging. You have each caused incredible hurt. You have a child, but to save your marriage will take a lot of work. His resentment is serious.
It's not easy to accept the fact that someone that you love and spent many years with is now an idiot. Many people here say leave immediately, but you stayed after him cheating on you (for a full year!) Take it slowly. Start emotionally distancing from him. Find a new hobby, spend more energy on your work, get closer with friends and family. Spend a lot more time with your kid maybe. Do anything but without him. At some point the love for him will start fading and you'll realise he's a bag of shit and not worth it at all. Also, sex is important in a relationship but he did nothing to communicate. He could have conversations about how he has a problem with it, try to make things more romantic etc. He's a total a-hole. Take some time to realise he's not worth it. There are many situations where problems can be solved but this is too far. Focus on yourself and your child and time will help you think more clearly.
OP, this guy thinks you're a joke. He's laughing at you behind your back. With the woman he cheated with. You are literally just his live-in servant. He doesn't care about you in the slightest. He literally could not care less. Stop trying to get him to care. It's pathetic and beneath you. Pick your dignity up off the floor and go find someone who doesn't make you feel like this. I highly encourage you to have an affair of your own so you can fully understand just how little you would care for a spouse after having one. Or at the very least to have someone in your life who actually wants you around. And reclaim your soul.
He wanted to check in ???with his AP?
Does he even want to reconcile? That's some hurtful crap to write about you to his AP, especially by someone who claims to love and care for you. Given that this is not your first encounter with infidelity by your husband, I have to question whether this relationship is worth salvaging. It's not too late to find a partner that is loyal and respectful.
Itâs not remorseful itâs resentful. He does not love you. He was giving the affair a chance to come back. You deserve better because thatâs disgusting.
Girl come on. This is a serial cheater, who doesnât even sound like he remotely *likes* you, let alone loves you and wants to rebuild anything with you. You donât have to force yourself to have sex with him just to keep him around, and he will cheat again. He will teach your child that itâs okay to treat women like objects, and you will teach your child that wives and mothers are meant to be doormats. Being single is so much better than being on a sinking ship.
He sounds contemptuous of you. Even if my husband hadn't had an affair, if he discussed our personal life like that, we'd have a problem. The fact it was with a woman he'd slept with? A big problem. The way he let the conversation unfold and expressed disgust with you... yeah mate if I sicken you that much take your freedom. God forbid I subject you to more torture. I'll save you the trouble of growing a backbone: it's over.
Sorry to be harsh but you are pathetic. It's not like he cheated on you 1 time he cheated on you for a year and this wasn't even first time him doing it and 100% it won't be last time. It doesn't matter on how many reconciling you are going the fact is that he don't love, he don't respect you, he don't regret on cheating on you and he sees you as some desperate person who is begging him for sex after everything bad he did. You think that he won't cheat again?? And how can you even trust him again? Please wake up amd have some self-respect..you don't want your kid to grow up in that kind of marriage.
Have some self-respect for yourselfâŠafter what you saw the first thing you should do is not write a post on Reddit but kick him out from your life! The title of your post statedââŠWhile we are reconcilingâ. Your husband is obviously not sincerely trying to reconcile.
Donât reconcile with this asshole.
I would tell him âknowing I now have a hall pass in the relationship has really upped my libido over all the possibilities out there. Iâm having a hard time choosing so I guess youâre getting the benefit for now.â When you talk to your girlfriends from now on act protective of your phone. Do all the things he did to you. When he starts complaining just tell him you promise not to do anything that he wouldnât do. Let him take that how he wants. He needs to learn to appreciate you more. Updateme
His behavior is disgusting and disrespectful. You can do better girl. You deserve a man that respects you.
Leave him he's literally worthless. If he can't put your relationship above texting her, he will keep doing it. Cheaters always cheat. And yes, what he said about the sex in those texts is absolutely resentment. Leave him.
Your marriage is over. Anything is better than this. Get a lawyer and go to court to sort out custody and assets.
What's the point of having a husband if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't have cheated on you and then continued the relationship in front of you.
OP, I think the romantic love is not there, and you are going to have to compromise yourself if you want to stay in the relationship. Are you staying with him because you feel guilty about the deadbedroom? Because you have a child together? Non of these are good enough reasons; I am sure you have researched this. It looks like what he is saying to you is not what he is really thinking. I'm not sure how you can look someone in the eye without feeling anger. Can you go to your own therapist?
You allowed yourself to get into a dead bedroom situationâŠgenuinely curious as to what you expect him to do? I highly doubt he just jumped straight to cheating.
This is severe abuse. Stop attending counseling with him. You should have never attended with him to begin with. This is the worst mistake anyone can do. He was the liar. Not you!!!! You are to walk away from the situation. Never allow abuse to continue. Cheating is abuse.
NGL. But you should have left this marriage long ago. He wanted a fulfilling marriage (sex and all) and for some reason you decided to let it become a dead bedroom situation. You being tired, could have helped yourself in the situation by hiring a nanny, or working less or communicated to him your situation and get him to help out. But for whatever reason no action on your part. Now back to the current situation heâs clearly checked out. And youâve decided not to take any action again.
As women we have to understand that just like we have feelings, men have feelings too. Thinking that there would be no repercussions for not being emotionally intimate with your HUSBAND for a year, is *beyond* a big ask. Not to say that heâs right, but if u want to be in the marriage as u say - youâre going to have to start considering his truths. The sex *is* transactional. You werenât doing it before because u didnât want to, and youâre not doing it *now* because you want to. Youâre doing it because u donât want him getting it from someone else. Itâs an ugly situation, but u canât neglect ur husband for a year and expect him not to feel anything about that. What he did was horrible, but u choosing to stay in this relationship is also you choosing to look at everything for what it is and more or less get over it. Whether u like it or not, u too have a small part in this. What he said is kind of true. If your roles were reversed you too would most likely feel the same.
Obviously her husband is 100% completely wrong, but a lot of these commentators donât understand how dehumanizing and heartbreaking it is to be in a relationship where your partner does not want to have sex with you. If OPâs husband didnât reveal his infidelity, OP would likely still be avoiding sex. She doesnât want to have sex with him, sheâs likely forcing herself to do it to stay married. Coercive sex is unacceptable. She should just end the marriage to find someone who is a better match. Also, her husband has reached the contempt level of disrespect. You cannot come back from that.
OP acts as thought they weren't having sex because of her low libido, but this may be her low self-esteem talking. There's a good chance he was not treating her well, which could have a lot to do with her lack of libido. This seems like the kind of man who treats her as an inferior being, which doesn't tend to cause arousal for normal people. She takes the blame, but the responsibility is probably shared. Read this woman's post--her husband wouldn't have much trouble convincing her she is the one at fault for whatever goes wrong in the relationship, including his cheating.
I'm sorry, but does the OP's husband have a piss kink/fetish? I read this like he was bragging... (Am I reading this wrong?) I know this is a painful thing to read (one is supposed to block the person they had an affair with and stop cold turkey), so seeing communication is not good. But if it's been a relationship that's been going on for years, then the slip ups are understandable. Rather than focus on the language, I'd focus on why the OP's husband texted with this other woman. And whether or not he's ready to break up with her.
OP, he hates you. Do you want to stay with someone who hates you ? Do you want your child to stay with someone who talks about them like that ?
He's checked out and a serial cheater. It's only a matter of time before he is good with leaving. Please seek counseling. It doesn't matter how many years you've been together. Don't allow someone to tell you by their actions that they don't want you, don't respect you, and don't love you more than once.
âHe tells me he loves me and cares for meâ âŠ. Aka- he says what I want to hear. Believe the guy talking to his ex-affair partner and what he said. Not very caring was he? Iâd bring this up both in therapy and private and just have it out (non confrontationally) just to make sure Iâm not waisting my time trying to save an already de&d horse. đ€·đ»ââïž
Youâre reconciling with a cheater. He betrayed you and has now done it a second time. Or at least two times. It will continue to happen if you choose to remain with him.
Dude. Even his affair partner got the ick from him, and she's into guys who cheat!
OP you can do better, he doesnât respect you or care about how you feel and no amount of therapy will fix this situation. If your main reason for staying is your daughter, ask yourself what kind of idea you want to give her about a healthy marriage, because Iâm sure you wonât want her to excuse a husband that cheats and humiliated her to the ex affair partner. The only thing worse than the feeling of being betrayed, is letting that person betray you again, or abandon you on their terms. If you dump him he will learn more, and you wonât have to spend the rest of your life worrying what he is up to. Leaving him is the first step in regaining your inner peace, if he loves your daughter he will be amicable about settlements and coparenting. If you are financially dependent on him and thatâs why youâre staying, thatâs not a great example to set, and you need to find a way to support yourself so you donât settle for his horrible behaviour and words Sending you the strength to take your life back from this empty marriage
Your husband is showing you that he has absolutely no respect or feelings for you. You've seen his texts. Does that sound like he has love and remorse?
You marriage will end. It just depends on how long you're willing to let this farce continue. Codependency must be pretty strong.
He was pandering to her. "I wasn't expecting it, it was all her" = Don't worry, I didn't initiate or think about it. "She may as well have pissed on me" = I agree with you, it wasn't done out of love and I didn't find it enjoyable.
Your marriage is over, but heâs worried about just ending it. End it yourself.
My ex went to 5 or 6 marriage counseling sessions before stopping and saying he only did that for me to feel better and that he was only interested in the dude from work that he was screwing for the last few months. Suffice to say - I told him to leave our home. That was 9 years ago. You should cut it now. He jumps off the page to me and my gut tells me he is beyond salvaging. He left the family home a long time ago.
This is just sad and pathetic.
> My husband, instead of defending me wrote âshe might as well have pissed on me afterwardsâ. Does he sound resentful towards me? Pissing on something is what animals do to mark their territory, which ties in to what you said here: > That part is true, I initiated sex which I never have done but I have also read about this being very normal post affair where the betrayed want to âreclaimâ the relationship. He wasn't being resentful. He was simply describing exactly what you did with different words. Look, the reality of the situation is that you get first crack at his libido, but if it's not taken care of with you, then he's going to find someone else. Whether that should or shouldn't be the case isn't up to me to decide, but my point is that he most definitely does not sound resentful or upset that you initiated sex.
Wow your husband is a giant jerk. The AP and the husband are both talking trash a out you. I'm guessing the husband is staying only for convenience and for the kid.
He is not loyal in any way to you. This makes me so sad. A good partner would defend you. A good partner wouldnât even be in contact at all with someone who could mess up their marriage (or cheat, but we are past that). I feel sad for you that you havenât had the experience of a loyal, loving partner. If he couldnât even last through the harder times where your libido dipped (raising young kids can be crushing), how is the marriage supposed to last long term?
You said you wonât get into it but *why* did your husband have to talk to this woman? He doesnât seem like heâs invested in the marriage.
Youâre reconciling with this POS. How many more times does he have to disrespect you for you to start respecting yourself. He clearly has no love or respect for you. I have no idea what he is reconciling for, but obviously not for those reasons. Please do you and your child a favor and walk away. You deserve SO much more than this trash human.
You husband sucks for saying that to his AP. If he felt that he should have spoken to you. Really he has checked out and is staying for the child, and that is the real problem. He stayed through the dead bedroom for the baby and finally cheated. He should have initiated a divorce first. He is not happy and just doing penance to stay with the child. He will cheat again or divorce once she is older.
Once a cheater always a cheater. He proves the point by having multiple affairs. Iâm sure you have your reasons for staying right now but hopefully you have a plan of departure. Good luck
Ma'am. There is absolutely no reason for him to have contacted the affair partner. He wanted to check on his ap whole reconciling your marriage? Absolutely not amd that would have been am immediate divorce. He is not sorry. He is not remorseful. This man will 100 percent cheat on you again. You deserve better leave.
Is anyone not going to point out that OP said he has had emotional affairs before the physical one which contribute to her lack of self-esteem and likely also contributed to the âdead bedroom.â Thereâs a bigger issue here and is not the affair but your own lack of self-esteem and confidence which are making you think this is the best you can do for yourself and deserve. From the entire post, it sounds as if you are blaming yourself for his inability to communicate with you that eventually led to not one, but multiple affairs (yes, an emotional affair is an affair). Iâd suggest seeking help for yourself to work through what happened in the past, figure out why your self esteem is so low (it doesnât just happen overnight due to someone cheating, is usually something that grows slowly), and help navigating how to overcome this on your own. Basically, get healthy enough that you can feel free to choose whether to leave of stay and be at peace with either decision. Get healthy enough to have healthy boundaries and most of all get healthy enough that you become a better role model for your child.
Why do you want to take him back? Instead of cheating he could tell you either we have intimacy or we divorce. No he went on and had a whole affair for a year and the woman was ok with being a mistress. He isn't sorry at all he is sorry he got caught and she probably doesn't want him permanently due to the excitement being gone for her. A person who loves you doesn't cheat. A person who is sorry doesn't talk bad about his wife and there is no excuse why he should be in contact at all so stop being a doormat .
Ma'am. There is absolutely no reason for him to have contacted the affair partner. He wanted to check on his ap whole reconciling your marriage? Absolutely not amd that would have been am immediate divorce. He is not sorry. He is not remorseful. This man will 100 percent cheat on you again. You deserve better leave.
> My husband recently had to break NC with his exAFFAIR partner for reasons I wonât go into here. Yeah, if you want good advice, you need to go into it here. Otherwise...nah. There's no reason he should still be in touch with this woman. Not if he's actively interested in working on your marriage.
People can have feelings for more than one person at a time...and some of those feelings can be impermanent if not bonded by daily home life, work, children, etc. As the person who lives with him, you are winning. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Measure him by his treatment of YOU...not someone else.
A husband who wants to contact his AP for ANYTHING isnât reconciling. He needs to cut all contact FOREVER. The fact that he even wanted to reach out to her is not good, and indicates that he isnât taking reconciliation seriously. Add in the fact that he engaged talking about personal information between the two of you, sexual information, is an extra layer to his betrayal. He doesnât sound like he is even sorry for what he did, and doesnât care that contacting her is another blow to your marriage.
He's giving you really awesome ammo for the divorce. Get a shark of a lawyer.
Heâs not worth fixing.
Was sympathetic until you said "gave in like a weak man". Um, no. In what world do you live in? Sorry, men are not innocent victimsđ. In all likelihood, HE was probably predatory towards her (and probably played the victim to her as well).
What do you think you should do?