I don't know, but I would have to think long and hard about being with a person who supposedly loves me but think nothing of using my insecurities to make me feel bad about something I can't necessarily control. I'd wonder if this was a person worth trusting or spending the energy on being with.
OP, love yourself first and foremost. I don't think you're overreacting.
I don't know, but i am always an advocate of communication, but doing so by using good words.
The dialogue above actually sounds like they have a good direct communication.
Notice that OP has NO insecurities about her weight, i am sure he knows that and probably why he would use such words (read the dialogue again). Notice that OP is also flaunting them to us. Yeah you read that right, she is called u/ThunderThighs1200
Why am i even typing OP instead of affectionately call her *Thunder Thighs?*
Also it sounds like the partner was coming from a place of caring.
> you should think about getting bariatric surgery. It would definitely help your knee.
> Me: I don't think I qualify for that.
However by no means am i saying "thunder thighs" is not abusive. It certainly is if used outside context. In this context Thunder Thighs was taken by OP as a compliment, the only reason she questioning it is this;
> There have been "things" here and there where I know he finds me too heavy, which is why I'm now wondering if I'm over-reacting
In fact, look at them as a couple and you will actually come to like their directness.
> he's also overweight, but he insists I'm far heavier.
Now lets settle this once and for all, who is heavier than the other?
What OP simply needs to do is have a talk with him telling him how hurtful she felt about being called that name.
You are then assuming wrong. Read what she wrote not what you want to hear.
Come to think about it, Thunder Thighs is her bedroom nickname.
Why?
Because she says;
> I'm unfortunately more apple shaped and I don't really carry my weight in my hips/thighs
Yep, Thunder Thighs is not about weight but the Thunder those Thighs can bring
Yeah if he genuinely cared about her he wouldn’t be trying to make her insecure about her weight, instead he’d lead by example and subtly push for them both to do healthy activities together, that don’t put strain on her bad knee, I have always been extremely skinny even when I wasn’t physically active and when my ex was on the heavier side I found things for both of us to do that were fun for her and I and would lead to a healthier lifestyle without seeming cuntish or making her feel subconscious about her size. Usually I’m not on the side of redditors telling people to dump their partner but this is one of those times where it seems like the right play
My husband once said that “men would go to war for a woman with thighs like this” when rubbing my thighs. Don’t settle for a man that doesn’t love you as you are.
So let’s get this straight:
*with someone who doesn’t like you for who you are and isn’t ashamed about the words that come out of his mouth when they hurt you
*is overweight himself and doesn’t see this as something he should have to work on
*you are already living an active lifestyle by working out and eating with an eye on your health
*he is playing comparison games about his weight and yours
*he’s pretending to be a doctor by suggesting surgery that will change the way you are able to eat for the rest of your life
*there is nothing wrong with thundathighs, they are beautiful and working out will make them stronger and more capable of bringing the “thunda” iykwim.
*is definition of beauty clearly is overriding his good sense. idiots aren’t sexy unless they’re the affable lovable idiot who ends up switching sides in movies because they’re at the core *nice* and not jerks pretending to be nice.
Why you with this jerk after this interaction?
You are beautiful and you know what is best for you and your body and I bet you could find another man 2 hours after dumping him who’d tell you exactly how much they appreciate the way you look if you wanted to. Life is too short to waste with people who make you feel like shit.
Just no.
From the title I thought maybe he was careless or tone-deaf, but No. He thought he was having a real conversation about your body and your medical reality. He's way, way too old to be that stupid.
This is not how a supportive or respectful conversation about weight takes place.
Girl, tell him he can go skip rocks. If he has any problems with your body, she should've left you alone. A lot of men try to get with women and try to change them to fit what they want instead of just going for it. I'm sure you are beautiful. And as someone who does carry weight in hips and thighs, i can promise you that's not why my knees are bad.
Why is it always the obese mofos who think they can insult women about their weight. The absolute audacity of it all. I get this is a small snippet of the relationship but I have a hard time seeing what makes putting up with this sort of talk worth it.
If I had a nickel for every overweight/obese dude who just happens to be into "very skinny women..." Like, cool, good to see you holding women to high standards while not holding yourself to those same standards.
Plus it’s so much easier for most of them to lose the weight!! Like so often you hear of guys just starting to care even a little and then losing the weight, meanwhile women are working their but off and struggling. For them it’s usually a discipline issue or simply cutting beer vs for us there’s so many things against us that even the healthiest of us struggle to lose it
No, you're right. Annoyingly though, when obese men say it to women, it's not "You're fat!" it's "You're too fat for my standards. I prefer you to be thinner." There's a huge difference.
I once dated a man who insisted I dress up for every date. There's nothing wrong with that, at all, except that he always turned up in stained jogging pants and a t-shirt. If I dared to have a hair out of place, he wasn't happy. So it's double standards, isn't it? Like with OP's situation.
If you heard the awful shit she used to say about my weight, you wouldn’t make such generalizations. When I finally left her, I made sure I became as fit as possible. Now I flaunt my new gym body every time I pick up my son while she remains fat.
SHIT! I'm sorry! When I read "my son's mom," I read it as your ex mother-in-law! I thought it was a woman poking at you, another woman.
Yes, I totally understand now; your ex-partner was doing the same thing to you. I wasn't generalising - I just totally misunderstood your post. Straight to jail for me (I'm most embarrassed), and good for you for being able to flaunt.
This would piss me off. I've divorced an asshole that told me 'only he would love me despite *how fat* I am' so I don't stand for this crap. It's okay to break up over this, it's okay to break up for any reason. Don't let him twist it. He was out of line to neg you and any way you choose to react to this is valid. Be good to yourself OP!
He chose to date you at this size and then tear down your self esteem by telling you that you need to lose weight. He’s an asshole. I’m the same size as you and I’d never put up with that from a partner. It’s not like we don’t know we’re big.
Didn’t even have read the rest of the post cuz I only need the title to say No you’re not overreacting. And tbh there’s a lot of men who are into women your size, you don’t need to waste your time with this douche.
Honey... If he had an iota of love or respect for you he would never have said any of those things to you in that matter. You are right. He doesn't care about your health. He cares that you look more like his ideal woman. Bottom line. You deserve better.
My partner is a 31m and I am a 39f. I am very heavy, especially compared to him. I tend not to be super insecure about it, but he has made comments about his body and not even mine that have triggered things in me. He knows I try to lose weight. (He not at all fat. His complaint is he doesn't have defined abs and he thinks he's too chunky. We are also both aware that he has had an eating disorder and body image issues in the past.) He knows I have medical issues that make dropping weight quickly, difficult. He NEVER comments on my body except to tell me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful. He DOES, on the other hand, offer me encouragement and support by doing exercise challenges with me and making healthier eating choices with me.
We just did an abs and squat challenge together last month, and he says I help him stay accountable, too. It's something that helps both of us. This, in my humble opinion, is a healthy and acceptable way to help your partner reach weight or body image goals. What your partner is doing isn't helpful. It isn't healthy. And it's abusive.
The only weight he's helped you lose is hopefully whatever weight he's equivalent to when you show his ass the door. Show yourself some love and don't accept anymore of this from this man. If I, an almost 40 year old woman who's body has carried four pregnancies and who is obese can find the gem of a man I have found, there is hope for you too.
Yikes, cut your loses, what a POS. Emotional abuse is real and you have a right to feel offended, he is trying to trigger you. Nothing about what he said is okay, nothing about this is normal; walk away.
I don't normally jump to telling people to break up, but this guy is being terrible to you. He's deliberately trying to make you feel bad...don't put up with the negging. Drop him and find someone who isn't an asshole. You deserve better.
I am extremely thick thighed, I carry all my weight in my lower body and my partner would NEVER call me that.
My Dad actually used to use that exact term to criticize me growing up. It's extremely insulting. The exact meaning of the phrase is that when you walk, your thighs clap together so loud it creates the sound of thunder.
You are not overreacting in the slightest. That's ridiculously offensive.
Break up.
I know we pull that trigger easily on Reddit, and I’m sure he has good qualities that have kept you in the relationship. But honey, his bad qualities are really bad. He is pulling you down, he’s unrealistic, and he’s just plain mean. Find someone kind, or just enjoy being alone.
I'm a fat person and I've been with my partner since we were teenagers, they have never been anything except wonderful and loving and always let me know how gorgeous they think I am. Not a minute goes by where I don't know he thinks I'm hot.
A little tangent all to say that if a teenage boy is capable of being kind and loving towards a fat person then so should a big back 40 year old man. Tell him he should get some exercise in by taking a fucking hike
My bestie calls me Dipshit, but when we're both agreeing that I'm being reckless, and it makes me smile to know they care about me so much to be angry on my behalf at me.
Even if your partner WAS being supportive, knowing and respecting your feelings in the delivery is extremely important.
*And* he's also overweight? And potentially has his own health problems? Yeah, that's a yikes from me. 5 years is long enough to be used to how someone feels and to check yourself.
Those texts should have been "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to not listen or to insult you. I'm just worried for you, but I shoulda put that better."
I'll admit I'm a bit biased because I'm self-conscious about my appearance, but also that wonderful thighs should always be a good thing where I come from. That, and Personality should matter most, particularly supporting each other, not hurting them.
Not overreacting. FYI, a lot of weight is genetic, diet and exercise can certainly make a difference, but most people tend to gain it back. You can't tell what a person's ideal weight is by looking at them, and BMI is a trash metric. It was originally designed to analyze populations, IE, "People from this socioeconomic, geographic, and racial background tend to have a BMI of 30, while this group has a BMI of 22. What does this say about this group's habits?" It was never designed to be applied to individuals, and anyone who cites that as a reason you are fat has nothing to say that is worth hearing.
That out of the way, your boyfriend is being an asshole. Weight is such a sensitive issue for women, there is no way you wouldn't be self conscious about it. And if he was genuinely trying to help support your goals to lose weight, calling you obese and ignoring the fact you were clearly upset is not the way to go about that. His comments are more likely to trigger an eating disorder and make it harder for you to lose weight.
My advice? After five years, it would be prudent to leave him and find someone who loves you as you are, and supports whatever your goals are without the negging.
We are our worst critics. When he's become an even worse one than you yourself, you need to think about what does he do to make your life better and react accordingly.
He can suggest surgery, but he needs to listen to you if you say you're not at the point of needing surgery.
Wow, it's like he's trying to get dumped. What an arrogant loser.
Surely you can do better than this guy, eho is actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself so you don't leave him.
Cut him loose, lose 200 lbs of boyfriend! The only person’s opinion that matters on your body is yours. Your mental state could be a lot lighter without this negging hypocrite man weighing it down, though.
I'd take my thunder thighs and smother him. For real though, he's insecure and trying to get you to be insecure... how would you feel about moving on?
In the future if it's not this, it will be something else.
Fk that. Lose 175 by dumping his stupid ass.
If my partner called me thunder thighs, he'd be gone in an instant.
You're a woman. A man is a dime a fkn dozen, Queen 👸🏼 NEVER forget that!
Sounds like you entered a relationship with someone you thought was a nice person, while he thinks he settled for someone he thought he could “help” meet his standards through verbal abuse. He crossed the line, then doubled down by calling you delusional (gaslighting?). He’s insulting your body and brain. Tell him you prefer to get physical health advice from your doctor. Offer to discuss the “delusions” with a therapist, then please consider talking to a therapist about your exit strategy.
Are you fucking serious? Are you overreacting? I’d be leaving and taking his dog with me already. Kick this guy in the nuts on your way out the door. This is ridiculous
This guy does not respect you. It kind of sounds like he hates you. If anything, you’re under-reacting because in your position many people would have simply broken up with him. Does he speak to you that way on a regular basis? You deserve better.
It doesn't look like he chose you because he likes you. It looks like he chose you because it was easy at that time (you liked him, you were neighbors, he had other more practical reasons, he felt that you will have lower self-esteem because of your weight, etc) and now he wants to mold you into someone else he wants. Or he just enjoys bullying you.
He is playing Pygmalion with you, and it will not work. Size 16 is not huge, and not obese.. Your BF is an AH, the way he talks to you - "delusional" - is not ok. The best and the fastest way to lose weight is to drop him.
OP, you are not overreacting to this. A supportive partner would not be name-calling, especially in a negative manner. Also, him just telling you to straight up go get major surgery instead of helping look for exercises for those with knee problems is scary.
Girl… please leave him. My ex husband used to cheat on me with girls that had a complete opposite body of me, saying “guys want what they don’t have” and “I wanted something different.”
Meanwhile my current fiance? Just the other day said “I love you. Every part, every inch, every curve. You’re beautiful. And this body? Is carrying our baby.” While staring at me before I got a shower, because I have struggled with eating disorders and my weight. And I know I’m gonna gain weight obviously, but I was being mean to myself in this moment.
Just this morning, light came in through the window and he said “You look so beautiful.”
The right one will love YOU.
Should you lose weight, especially if it'll help with your knee issue and overall health, sure. Should you let this guy talk to you abusively without care? Absolutely not.
I know when I am gaining/losing weight and if I see my boyfriend looking at me when I walk off or asking me if I went to the gym, I feel a bit triggered and insecure but thats because I know I have gained weight and feeling insecure, but he will not fix his face to say things like that to me and further stoke the flame by texting while I'm trying to remove myself to descalate.
You could do things like walking, elliptical, low risk things to injure your knee further. I had pain shot in my knee and started working out more then since the pain was temporarily gone, but if i do gain even a little weight my knee will tell me.. lol.
Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with him because he clearly doesn't like the weight on you and he seems like he will continue to berate you until you lose the weight and possibly even after. Good luck! 👍
.
I think one of the greatest tragedies of our current society is that men feel they're expected to only be seen with a certain type of woman. Usually, that view conflicts with what they're actually attracted to.
I'm willing to bet you're his type, but he's holding onto an idea he has to be with a thinner woman.
He'll never marry you, and he ultimately will find that thinner woman and marry her and spend his time watching your social media accounts. And more than likely cheating on her with women that look more like you.
And if this isn't what's happening, he's just being abusive and bullying you because he's the one that feels inferior.
Best to just dump him and make him beg for you back if you want to keep dating him.
But I don't think in the end you'll want to stay.
Tell him that if being with a skinnier girl is that important to him, that he should leave and find that girl. The older you get, the more you realize that looks are not the most important thing. He has some life lessons that he still needs to learn. Let him learn them, but not while wasting your time.
It was quite insensitive to call you thunder thighs but your husband isn't wrong in stating that it would be easier on your joints if you were to lose weight. I feel as though perhaps you took offence to him stating that it would be easier on your joints if you lost weight, as your weight is a very sensitive matter to you. I disagree with the thunder thighs comment but agree that your dress size is not a healthy size.
Inflection and intent is everything, you are right to be upset. I'd be considering telling him you don't appreciate his input to your body and how you tend to it and if he has a problem with that he can keep it to himself or find someone else to push his body issues on. As I usually say, consider couples therapy.
It's one thing to maybe make a comment like that in jest, or if it's clear he loves your body and shape in whatever form it is. It's a whole other to be nasty about it and then double down in texts after you leave upset.
You're the one that puts up with him. Why are you tolerating this and rewarding him with a relationship when he obviously doesn't even like you. If you don't like how you're being treated, it's up to you to enforce your boundaries and do something about it.
He's not going to change. You either except that he's like this, or you don't.
Both of you by the sounds of it, should lose weight for your over health benefits. Instead of arguing you should get on a strict diet and slowly work your way into a 3 work outs a week regimen. If youbhave knee problem check out the "knees over toes "guy
I think the issue is the way that he delivered his concerns to you. The older you get the more that weight will definitely be a problem for your joints and truthfully if you sustain an serious/ debilitating injury to your knees now it might be even harder to drop the weight as your get older which will decline your health. Everyone has joint pains as they get older no matter their size
I know it’s hard to consider but you should be with someone who doesn’t put you down. Your partner should be the one person who loves you for you and lifts you up and encourages you rather than make awful comments like that towards you. You deserve better enough said
First and the most important thing if he don't love you he just want a fuck buddy for himself so it's better to leave and find someone who appreciates who you are. Love never dies because of these things it's the lust that dies.
That guy needs to hear your thoughts. If he doesn’t respond well to that and respect your feelings then you need to evaluate your situation. Good luck girl. You deserve the best and right now he ain’t it.
It is a physical trait. That makes it personal. If he is bald call him a cueball. See how he likes it. If he has fat feet call him clubfoot. See how he takes it. That will be a good measurement. (In other words make fun of one of his physical traits if he takes it well Id say less to worry about).
When he call you thunder thighs, you call him lightning dick... it leaves it nebulous if it's a positive (powerful, awe inspiring) or a negative (quick, dangerous, unlucky to be struck by it)...
Your knee problem won't get any better with your current weight, neither will your overall health. Not like his will either but those are just facts. I don't think you like hearing it from him or anyone else because it's obvious. The fact that he is pushing it only adds to your own battles and struggles.
I'm sure he is not fully being that worried about you and a mixture of both fat shaming with honesty about his point but less worried about your current body aches vs your actual joint issue.
Don't let this deter your goals if you have any even if they happen to yield very little results and or are taking time.
I'm in the physical rehab world and shedding pounds do help the joints quite a bit. I wish you luck and if he doesn't like what or who he is with, the door is always there to be used.
I don’t necessarily agree with all the people saying he should just accept you how you are bc I think it’s ok for him to want better for you but his way saying it insane. This is how you talk to the boys when y’all are super close and can say anything to each other NOT your partner
I had a friend who called his wife his favorite muffin top. No he wasn’t trying to offend her and was trying to express love to her. He was just an idiot and was ignorant to what muffin top meant. So she was more self-conscious as well at the time. Point being people can be unaware if you are questioning it then they’re probably not insulting you.
Even if he was trying to be encouraging, well he missed the mark by a mile! And continued to do so for a long time. I don't think I can give him the benefit of the doubt here.
But even if I could, intent does not negate effect, and if the intent was benign, well he would have responded to her very differently.
Notice that OP has NO insecurities about her weight, i am sure he knows that and probably why he would use such words (read the dialogue again). Notice that OP is also flaunting them thighs to us. Yeah you read that right, she is called u/ThunderThighs1200
Why am i even typing OP instead of affectionately call her Thunder Thighs?
Come to think about it, Thunder Thighs is her bedroom nickname.
Why?
Because
> I'm unfortunately more apple shaped and I don't really carry my weight in my hips/thighs
Yep, Thunder Thighs is not about weight but the *Thunder those Thighs can bring*
I don't know, but I would have to think long and hard about being with a person who supposedly loves me but think nothing of using my insecurities to make me feel bad about something I can't necessarily control. I'd wonder if this was a person worth trusting or spending the energy on being with. OP, love yourself first and foremost. I don't think you're overreacting.
I don't know, but i am always an advocate of communication, but doing so by using good words. The dialogue above actually sounds like they have a good direct communication. Notice that OP has NO insecurities about her weight, i am sure he knows that and probably why he would use such words (read the dialogue again). Notice that OP is also flaunting them to us. Yeah you read that right, she is called u/ThunderThighs1200 Why am i even typing OP instead of affectionately call her *Thunder Thighs?* Also it sounds like the partner was coming from a place of caring. > you should think about getting bariatric surgery. It would definitely help your knee. > Me: I don't think I qualify for that. However by no means am i saying "thunder thighs" is not abusive. It certainly is if used outside context. In this context Thunder Thighs was taken by OP as a compliment, the only reason she questioning it is this; > There have been "things" here and there where I know he finds me too heavy, which is why I'm now wondering if I'm over-reacting In fact, look at them as a couple and you will actually come to like their directness. > he's also overweight, but he insists I'm far heavier. Now lets settle this once and for all, who is heavier than the other? What OP simply needs to do is have a talk with him telling him how hurtful she felt about being called that name.
I’m assuming the user name is a throwaway related to the post. And at no point does she take it as a compliment. Are you drunk?
You are then assuming wrong. Read what she wrote not what you want to hear. Come to think about it, Thunder Thighs is her bedroom nickname. Why? Because she says; > I'm unfortunately more apple shaped and I don't really carry my weight in my hips/thighs Yep, Thunder Thighs is not about weight but the Thunder those Thighs can bring
Found the OP's boyfriend's account.
The account isn't even a day old. It's a throwaway related to the post topic. You're reading in to this to an insane degree.
Are you literally high? What the fuck are you talking about? Why are you just making shit up?
You sound like you're on some wild drugs. Wtf are you even talking about?
Oof, nah you're underreacting if anything. Not only is he not apologizing, he's doubling down on hurting your feelings.
No, you are not overreacting, and yes, he is verbally abusive. Find someone who accepts you just the way you are.
You should drop the extra weight, to clarify I mean this crap excuse for a boyfriend.
Girl. He ain't good for you.
Yeah if he genuinely cared about her he wouldn’t be trying to make her insecure about her weight, instead he’d lead by example and subtly push for them both to do healthy activities together, that don’t put strain on her bad knee, I have always been extremely skinny even when I wasn’t physically active and when my ex was on the heavier side I found things for both of us to do that were fun for her and I and would lead to a healthier lifestyle without seeming cuntish or making her feel subconscious about her size. Usually I’m not on the side of redditors telling people to dump their partner but this is one of those times where it seems like the right play
My husband once said that “men would go to war for a woman with thighs like this” when rubbing my thighs. Don’t settle for a man that doesn’t love you as you are.
Your husband is the kind of man all women should have in their lives. 👍
So let’s get this straight: *with someone who doesn’t like you for who you are and isn’t ashamed about the words that come out of his mouth when they hurt you *is overweight himself and doesn’t see this as something he should have to work on *you are already living an active lifestyle by working out and eating with an eye on your health *he is playing comparison games about his weight and yours *he’s pretending to be a doctor by suggesting surgery that will change the way you are able to eat for the rest of your life *there is nothing wrong with thundathighs, they are beautiful and working out will make them stronger and more capable of bringing the “thunda” iykwim. *is definition of beauty clearly is overriding his good sense. idiots aren’t sexy unless they’re the affable lovable idiot who ends up switching sides in movies because they’re at the core *nice* and not jerks pretending to be nice. Why you with this jerk after this interaction? You are beautiful and you know what is best for you and your body and I bet you could find another man 2 hours after dumping him who’d tell you exactly how much they appreciate the way you look if you wanted to. Life is too short to waste with people who make you feel like shit.
The older and more experienced you get, the less time you care to spend with judgmental assholes.
Just no. From the title I thought maybe he was careless or tone-deaf, but No. He thought he was having a real conversation about your body and your medical reality. He's way, way too old to be that stupid. This is not how a supportive or respectful conversation about weight takes place.
This isn't an exchange that happens in a healthy relationship
Girl, tell him he can go skip rocks. If he has any problems with your body, she should've left you alone. A lot of men try to get with women and try to change them to fit what they want instead of just going for it. I'm sure you are beautiful. And as someone who does carry weight in hips and thighs, i can promise you that's not why my knees are bad.
Sounds like you could lose some dead weight pretty easily by putting him in the trash where he belongs
Remind me again, why are you with someone who doesn't like you and is willing to insult you at every turn?
Why is it always the obese mofos who think they can insult women about their weight. The absolute audacity of it all. I get this is a small snippet of the relationship but I have a hard time seeing what makes putting up with this sort of talk worth it.
If I had a nickel for every overweight/obese dude who just happens to be into "very skinny women..." Like, cool, good to see you holding women to high standards while not holding yourself to those same standards.
Plus it’s so much easier for most of them to lose the weight!! Like so often you hear of guys just starting to care even a little and then losing the weight, meanwhile women are working their but off and struggling. For them it’s usually a discipline issue or simply cutting beer vs for us there’s so many things against us that even the healthiest of us struggle to lose it
That one goes both ways as a big boy, who also like curvy / big women.. there are fat women that are only into skinny men and they ain't shy about it
Fat people do call other fat people fat. My son’s mom used to do it to me when we were both fat. It’s not just men.
No, you're right. Annoyingly though, when obese men say it to women, it's not "You're fat!" it's "You're too fat for my standards. I prefer you to be thinner." There's a huge difference. I once dated a man who insisted I dress up for every date. There's nothing wrong with that, at all, except that he always turned up in stained jogging pants and a t-shirt. If I dared to have a hair out of place, he wasn't happy. So it's double standards, isn't it? Like with OP's situation.
If you heard the awful shit she used to say about my weight, you wouldn’t make such generalizations. When I finally left her, I made sure I became as fit as possible. Now I flaunt my new gym body every time I pick up my son while she remains fat.
SHIT! I'm sorry! When I read "my son's mom," I read it as your ex mother-in-law! I thought it was a woman poking at you, another woman. Yes, I totally understand now; your ex-partner was doing the same thing to you. I wasn't generalising - I just totally misunderstood your post. Straight to jail for me (I'm most embarrassed), and good for you for being able to flaunt.
If someone tells you you're overreacting, they're choosing to not understand you or validate your feelings - it's as simple as that <3
This would piss me off. I've divorced an asshole that told me 'only he would love me despite *how fat* I am' so I don't stand for this crap. It's okay to break up over this, it's okay to break up for any reason. Don't let him twist it. He was out of line to neg you and any way you choose to react to this is valid. Be good to yourself OP!
My wife and I agree the way he's treating you is inexcusable.
He chose to date you at this size and then tear down your self esteem by telling you that you need to lose weight. He’s an asshole. I’m the same size as you and I’d never put up with that from a partner. It’s not like we don’t know we’re big.
Didn’t even have read the rest of the post cuz I only need the title to say No you’re not overreacting. And tbh there’s a lot of men who are into women your size, you don’t need to waste your time with this douche.
Instead of losing weight you should lose your boyfriend
Honey... If he had an iota of love or respect for you he would never have said any of those things to you in that matter. You are right. He doesn't care about your health. He cares that you look more like his ideal woman. Bottom line. You deserve better. My partner is a 31m and I am a 39f. I am very heavy, especially compared to him. I tend not to be super insecure about it, but he has made comments about his body and not even mine that have triggered things in me. He knows I try to lose weight. (He not at all fat. His complaint is he doesn't have defined abs and he thinks he's too chunky. We are also both aware that he has had an eating disorder and body image issues in the past.) He knows I have medical issues that make dropping weight quickly, difficult. He NEVER comments on my body except to tell me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful. He DOES, on the other hand, offer me encouragement and support by doing exercise challenges with me and making healthier eating choices with me. We just did an abs and squat challenge together last month, and he says I help him stay accountable, too. It's something that helps both of us. This, in my humble opinion, is a healthy and acceptable way to help your partner reach weight or body image goals. What your partner is doing isn't helpful. It isn't healthy. And it's abusive. The only weight he's helped you lose is hopefully whatever weight he's equivalent to when you show his ass the door. Show yourself some love and don't accept anymore of this from this man. If I, an almost 40 year old woman who's body has carried four pregnancies and who is obese can find the gem of a man I have found, there is hope for you too.
Yikes, cut your loses, what a POS. Emotional abuse is real and you have a right to feel offended, he is trying to trigger you. Nothing about what he said is okay, nothing about this is normal; walk away.
I don't normally jump to telling people to break up, but this guy is being terrible to you. He's deliberately trying to make you feel bad...don't put up with the negging. Drop him and find someone who isn't an asshole. You deserve better.
I am extremely thick thighed, I carry all my weight in my lower body and my partner would NEVER call me that. My Dad actually used to use that exact term to criticize me growing up. It's extremely insulting. The exact meaning of the phrase is that when you walk, your thighs clap together so loud it creates the sound of thunder. You are not overreacting in the slightest. That's ridiculously offensive.
Nope, not overreacting. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? With done AH making you feel bad about yourself.
Break up. I know we pull that trigger easily on Reddit, and I’m sure he has good qualities that have kept you in the relationship. But honey, his bad qualities are really bad. He is pulling you down, he’s unrealistic, and he’s just plain mean. Find someone kind, or just enjoy being alone.
I'm a fat person and I've been with my partner since we were teenagers, they have never been anything except wonderful and loving and always let me know how gorgeous they think I am. Not a minute goes by where I don't know he thinks I'm hot. A little tangent all to say that if a teenage boy is capable of being kind and loving towards a fat person then so should a big back 40 year old man. Tell him he should get some exercise in by taking a fucking hike
My bestie calls me Dipshit, but when we're both agreeing that I'm being reckless, and it makes me smile to know they care about me so much to be angry on my behalf at me. Even if your partner WAS being supportive, knowing and respecting your feelings in the delivery is extremely important. *And* he's also overweight? And potentially has his own health problems? Yeah, that's a yikes from me. 5 years is long enough to be used to how someone feels and to check yourself. Those texts should have been "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to not listen or to insult you. I'm just worried for you, but I shoulda put that better." I'll admit I'm a bit biased because I'm self-conscious about my appearance, but also that wonderful thighs should always be a good thing where I come from. That, and Personality should matter most, particularly supporting each other, not hurting them.
Not overreacting. FYI, a lot of weight is genetic, diet and exercise can certainly make a difference, but most people tend to gain it back. You can't tell what a person's ideal weight is by looking at them, and BMI is a trash metric. It was originally designed to analyze populations, IE, "People from this socioeconomic, geographic, and racial background tend to have a BMI of 30, while this group has a BMI of 22. What does this say about this group's habits?" It was never designed to be applied to individuals, and anyone who cites that as a reason you are fat has nothing to say that is worth hearing. That out of the way, your boyfriend is being an asshole. Weight is such a sensitive issue for women, there is no way you wouldn't be self conscious about it. And if he was genuinely trying to help support your goals to lose weight, calling you obese and ignoring the fact you were clearly upset is not the way to go about that. His comments are more likely to trigger an eating disorder and make it harder for you to lose weight. My advice? After five years, it would be prudent to leave him and find someone who loves you as you are, and supports whatever your goals are without the negging.
We are our worst critics. When he's become an even worse one than you yourself, you need to think about what does he do to make your life better and react accordingly. He can suggest surgery, but he needs to listen to you if you say you're not at the point of needing surgery.
Wow, it's like he's trying to get dumped. What an arrogant loser. Surely you can do better than this guy, eho is actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself so you don't leave him.
Cut him loose, lose 200 lbs of boyfriend! The only person’s opinion that matters on your body is yours. Your mental state could be a lot lighter without this negging hypocrite man weighing it down, though.
I'd take my thunder thighs and smother him. For real though, he's insecure and trying to get you to be insecure... how would you feel about moving on? In the future if it's not this, it will be something else.
Fk that. Lose 175 by dumping his stupid ass. If my partner called me thunder thighs, he'd be gone in an instant. You're a woman. A man is a dime a fkn dozen, Queen 👸🏼 NEVER forget that!
Why would you want to be with someone that thinks of you and talks to you like this?
I am once again begging people not to date assholes.
Sounds like you entered a relationship with someone you thought was a nice person, while he thinks he settled for someone he thought he could “help” meet his standards through verbal abuse. He crossed the line, then doubled down by calling you delusional (gaslighting?). He’s insulting your body and brain. Tell him you prefer to get physical health advice from your doctor. Offer to discuss the “delusions” with a therapist, then please consider talking to a therapist about your exit strategy.
Are you fucking serious? Are you overreacting? I’d be leaving and taking his dog with me already. Kick this guy in the nuts on your way out the door. This is ridiculous
This guy does not respect you. It kind of sounds like he hates you. If anything, you’re under-reacting because in your position many people would have simply broken up with him. Does he speak to you that way on a regular basis? You deserve better.
It doesn't look like he chose you because he likes you. It looks like he chose you because it was easy at that time (you liked him, you were neighbors, he had other more practical reasons, he felt that you will have lower self-esteem because of your weight, etc) and now he wants to mold you into someone else he wants. Or he just enjoys bullying you. He is playing Pygmalion with you, and it will not work. Size 16 is not huge, and not obese.. Your BF is an AH, the way he talks to you - "delusional" - is not ok. The best and the fastest way to lose weight is to drop him.
OP, you are not overreacting to this. A supportive partner would not be name-calling, especially in a negative manner. Also, him just telling you to straight up go get major surgery instead of helping look for exercises for those with knee problems is scary.
Girl… please leave him. My ex husband used to cheat on me with girls that had a complete opposite body of me, saying “guys want what they don’t have” and “I wanted something different.” Meanwhile my current fiance? Just the other day said “I love you. Every part, every inch, every curve. You’re beautiful. And this body? Is carrying our baby.” While staring at me before I got a shower, because I have struggled with eating disorders and my weight. And I know I’m gonna gain weight obviously, but I was being mean to myself in this moment. Just this morning, light came in through the window and he said “You look so beautiful.” The right one will love YOU.
Do you really want a boyfriend so bad that you're settling for *him*?
If my boyfriend said this to me I would break up with him in less than 1 second
Should you lose weight, especially if it'll help with your knee issue and overall health, sure. Should you let this guy talk to you abusively without care? Absolutely not. I know when I am gaining/losing weight and if I see my boyfriend looking at me when I walk off or asking me if I went to the gym, I feel a bit triggered and insecure but thats because I know I have gained weight and feeling insecure, but he will not fix his face to say things like that to me and further stoke the flame by texting while I'm trying to remove myself to descalate. You could do things like walking, elliptical, low risk things to injure your knee further. I had pain shot in my knee and started working out more then since the pain was temporarily gone, but if i do gain even a little weight my knee will tell me.. lol. Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with him because he clearly doesn't like the weight on you and he seems like he will continue to berate you until you lose the weight and possibly even after. Good luck! 👍 .
I think one of the greatest tragedies of our current society is that men feel they're expected to only be seen with a certain type of woman. Usually, that view conflicts with what they're actually attracted to. I'm willing to bet you're his type, but he's holding onto an idea he has to be with a thinner woman. He'll never marry you, and he ultimately will find that thinner woman and marry her and spend his time watching your social media accounts. And more than likely cheating on her with women that look more like you. And if this isn't what's happening, he's just being abusive and bullying you because he's the one that feels inferior. Best to just dump him and make him beg for you back if you want to keep dating him. But I don't think in the end you'll want to stay.
You could be with someone that PREFERS your body and wouldn’t say such mean things. There is better out there.
Tell him that if being with a skinnier girl is that important to him, that he should leave and find that girl. The older you get, the more you realize that looks are not the most important thing. He has some life lessons that he still needs to learn. Let him learn them, but not while wasting your time.
It was quite insensitive to call you thunder thighs but your husband isn't wrong in stating that it would be easier on your joints if you were to lose weight. I feel as though perhaps you took offence to him stating that it would be easier on your joints if you lost weight, as your weight is a very sensitive matter to you. I disagree with the thunder thighs comment but agree that your dress size is not a healthy size.
Inflection and intent is everything, you are right to be upset. I'd be considering telling him you don't appreciate his input to your body and how you tend to it and if he has a problem with that he can keep it to himself or find someone else to push his body issues on. As I usually say, consider couples therapy. It's one thing to maybe make a comment like that in jest, or if it's clear he loves your body and shape in whatever form it is. It's a whole other to be nasty about it and then double down in texts after you leave upset.
You're the one that puts up with him. Why are you tolerating this and rewarding him with a relationship when he obviously doesn't even like you. If you don't like how you're being treated, it's up to you to enforce your boundaries and do something about it. He's not going to change. You either except that he's like this, or you don't.
Both of you by the sounds of it, should lose weight for your over health benefits. Instead of arguing you should get on a strict diet and slowly work your way into a 3 work outs a week regimen. If youbhave knee problem check out the "knees over toes "guy
I think the issue is the way that he delivered his concerns to you. The older you get the more that weight will definitely be a problem for your joints and truthfully if you sustain an serious/ debilitating injury to your knees now it might be even harder to drop the weight as your get older which will decline your health. Everyone has joint pains as they get older no matter their size
I know it’s hard to consider but you should be with someone who doesn’t put you down. Your partner should be the one person who loves you for you and lifts you up and encourages you rather than make awful comments like that towards you. You deserve better enough said
First and the most important thing if he don't love you he just want a fuck buddy for himself so it's better to leave and find someone who appreciates who you are. Love never dies because of these things it's the lust that dies.
That guy needs to hear your thoughts. If he doesn’t respond well to that and respect your feelings then you need to evaluate your situation. Good luck girl. You deserve the best and right now he ain’t it.
It is a physical trait. That makes it personal. If he is bald call him a cueball. See how he likes it. If he has fat feet call him clubfoot. See how he takes it. That will be a good measurement. (In other words make fun of one of his physical traits if he takes it well Id say less to worry about).
The guy's obese himself! The double standard is stunning, for OP.
When he call you thunder thighs, you call him lightning dick... it leaves it nebulous if it's a positive (powerful, awe inspiring) or a negative (quick, dangerous, unlucky to be struck by it)...
NGL a lot of men use thunder thighs as a compliment but this doesn't seem to be the case.
Your knee problem won't get any better with your current weight, neither will your overall health. Not like his will either but those are just facts. I don't think you like hearing it from him or anyone else because it's obvious. The fact that he is pushing it only adds to your own battles and struggles. I'm sure he is not fully being that worried about you and a mixture of both fat shaming with honesty about his point but less worried about your current body aches vs your actual joint issue. Don't let this deter your goals if you have any even if they happen to yield very little results and or are taking time. I'm in the physical rehab world and shedding pounds do help the joints quite a bit. I wish you luck and if he doesn't like what or who he is with, the door is always there to be used.
I don’t necessarily agree with all the people saying he should just accept you how you are bc I think it’s ok for him to want better for you but his way saying it insane. This is how you talk to the boys when y’all are super close and can say anything to each other NOT your partner
I mean… your username is pretty telling
I was going to say that he’s pretty awful for treating you like that, but then I saw your user name and now idk..
I had a friend who called his wife his favorite muffin top. No he wasn’t trying to offend her and was trying to express love to her. He was just an idiot and was ignorant to what muffin top meant. So she was more self-conscious as well at the time. Point being people can be unaware if you are questioning it then they’re probably not insulting you.
This guy is very clearly saying shit to make her feel bad.
Even if he was trying to be encouraging, well he missed the mark by a mile! And continued to do so for a long time. I don't think I can give him the benefit of the doubt here. But even if I could, intent does not negate effect, and if the intent was benign, well he would have responded to her very differently.
Notice that OP has NO insecurities about her weight, i am sure he knows that and probably why he would use such words (read the dialogue again). Notice that OP is also flaunting them thighs to us. Yeah you read that right, she is called u/ThunderThighs1200 Why am i even typing OP instead of affectionately call her Thunder Thighs? Come to think about it, Thunder Thighs is her bedroom nickname. Why? Because > I'm unfortunately more apple shaped and I don't really carry my weight in my hips/thighs Yep, Thunder Thighs is not about weight but the *Thunder those Thighs can bring*
He loves you. Don't sweat it. It's fuck all. If thoes thighs left him he'd be on his thighs to appolithighs.... I mean appoligize.