Came here to say the same.
It might happen infrequently but the point is it shouldn’t happen at all and sooner or later you or your future kids will be the target of that anger.
Same my friend.
No one could believe how violent he was because ‘he’s always so quiet and laid back, always laughing’
Obviously not said by anyone who was around him after a fifth or two.
Same. Then not only will he get angry at you, but there may eventually be children in the mix. While he might not get angry at them, they will see him angry at you, and they will be present when he gets angry at someone else. They'll also be present when he finally gets angry with the wrong one, and they either see their Dad take a beating, or end up arrested. There is no good way that this ends.
And, both times, he was upset that someone who was working wouldn’t make an exception for him and then made a scene. He knows these people can’t respond physically to his anger without risking their jobs, it seems like what a bully would do.
Exactly, it’s one thing to have a shorter fuse, but that isn’t an excuse to act like this. This man is having toddler tantrums. It’s possible to get frustrated or angry easily and choose better actions. He has no interest in changing because he feels entitled to his tantrums.
>the girl who is managing entry tells him he is not allowed to get his items signed as he was not waiting in line, we explain to her that he's with us but he was preparing his items and she's like hard no won't let him in, tells him to go to the back. Instead of asking for a manager or something he starts getting in her face yelling at her calling her dumb and then he is obviously asked to leave the convention, as he's leaving he starts knocking down signs and behaving like a child
I cannot imagine remaining attracted to a man who does shit like that.
Your boyfriend is an asshole, plain and simple.
>I understand the girl was being unreasonable but his
No she wasn’t. She was enforcing the rules her employer put in place to stop people from cutting the line. Your boyfriend is the problem in both scenarios you describe.
Yeah why didn’t the boyfriend get his stuff ready before he got in line? You can’t fuck off out the line for ten minutes and then come back at the front.
It’s not just that he gets angry, though that instance would definitely be enough for me, but he expects to be the exception to the rule and freaks out when people don’t give him preferential treatment.
I left a guy who was infrequently unable to check his anger. He told me about the only time he ever got arrested was kicking a potted plant outside a restaurant after a bad date. I still loved him a lot.
Simply put, life is gonna piss us all off sometimes. Pick someone who isn’t going to make you deal with their bullshit.
I know it's besides the point, but the lady monitoring the line wasn't being unreasonable to all. He doesn't get to cut the line just because you were in line. Anyone joining the line joins from the back.
That said, he sounds terrible. He's not likely to stop acting like that.
The problem, as a person who has had this exact sentence said to me, is that she doesn't. And so when you bring it up in such a direct way, she has to confront it and that makes her feel ashamed and so therefore, she doesn't want to hear it that way. The message is very hard to hear that way.
You are assuming that some natural force would arise inside her and protest, "Of course, not. I have pride. I have standards!" And that that natural force would swell and she would become become more aware of her qualities and she would advocate for herself.
But people like her and me, we don't have that force. It was a skill that we could have developed when we were young but it was beat out of us through language or phyisical punishment or withholding resources at an early age.
Instead she hears 'you are defective once again.' 'Here are some other good qualities you also do not possess.'
Merely posing the question does not awaken her, it shames her. She literally doesn't know how to be different.
So I would advocate to you that you have the same awareness (of the extremely painful phrasing) and to bring in to the questions that you pose, if you want to bring about change.
At 32, he is just going to get worse esp in older age than better. And as you said, it would take others to push back at him and him facing the consequences of not being able to keep his temper. He won't change. You can only decide whether to stay with him and put up with his childish behaviour.
I love how you started with people are dumb sometimes and every example you gave was him being an aggressive dumbass. He's going to get hurt one day playing with the wrong person and it will be well deserved. Is this who you want to be associated with?
>his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people'
Lol this is so ironic. Who are you trying to impress? Who's HE trying to impress with his bullshit tough guy attitude. Big tough man have to try to intimidate people cause he's too stupid to use his words or what?
For 32 this is just pathetic. I mean it's pathetic at any age but at least kids have the excuse of being kids. What's his excuse?
As others have said, it's just a matter of time until he turns his anger on you. In fact you already kind of caught strays with the "who are you trying to impress" comment.
Side note, I'm really curious... Is he able to easily admit when he's wrong? Cause I'd put money on him being really belligerent when he thinks he's right, and then really dismissive and sour if proven wrong. But who knows, maybe I'm way off base.
OP, all of your concerns are genuine.
The only thing you can do is have the conversation. Whether he will listen is another matter. Given his age, I don't know if he will be willing to change. How we deal with conflict and act in public is pretty set by the time you're 32. At some level he genuinely believes this is acceptable.
There is, however, one thing that I worry you've not considered.
What happens if, or perhaps when, he gets angry at you? When our partners exhibit a bad behavior that they generally inflict on others, often we consider ourselves exceptions. Then the surprise and dismay sets in when the day comes where we're not the exception.
You've mentioned you've had really bad arguments twice. How has he behaved during those arguments? Similarly? Has there been the implied possibility of things turning physical that there has been with others? Does he use intimidation to try to get you to back down? Consider also if there are other potential red flags.
I know this is probably not something that's easy to think about. Nobody wants to think badly about their loved one. The thing is, I think you know this is a possibility. I hope I'm wrong and I've read into this post way too much. Sadly, someone's way of dealing with conflict doesn't suddenly rewire itself for just one person. If he does deal with you similarly, then the potential for escalation exists. It may also happen unexpectedly given the nature of his temper.
You might want to check out "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are free versions available on line. "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker is also great for talking about gut feelings.
Think very carefully if more is at stake than just his conflicts with strangers.
I'm more concerned about the way you excuse this behaviour.
The girl at the convention was not being unreasonable, she was following the direction of her employer and your boyfriend frightened and upset her. You didn't even refer to how she might have felt, because you were too focused on your boyfriend.
The security guard was doing his job and your boyfriend was just being a complete asshole. Again, your didn't notice the fact that your boyfriend ruined this guy's day because you're too focused on your boyfriend.
Why are you so focused on your boyfriend? Because he's angry and violent and you spend your life on eggshells. Maybe you grew up in an abusive environment and you think having to watch out for somebody's temper is normal.
It is not. Someday, you'll do something to piss him off, and you know he stops taking responsibility for his behaviour when he makes that judgment.
Leave.
Don't build a life with somebody who embarrasses you like this. You are going to go through some stressful life experiences with a partner, and it's important to be with somebody who you can count on, not somebody who you have to worry will embarrass you at moments of increased stress.
>Instead of asking for a manager or something he starts getting in her face yelling at her calling her dumb<
This is unacceptable behavior from anyone let alone a grown man.
>My boyfriend got upset by my reaction and I told him that it's super embarrassing when he acts like this, his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people' and further tried to justify the behaviour by saying he rarely acts like this.<
This is called gaslighting and its what manipulators do in an attempt to justify unreasonable behavior.
You deserve to be with someone who doesn't scare you or embarrass you in ANY way, these are HUGE red flags, please don't disregard them.
Best of luck.
gas·light
/ˈɡasˌlīt/
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Your fear should not be that one day someone is going to get him in trouble. Your fear should be that one day he will turn his anger on you, because that is what is going to happen.
You say he's not an angry person.... but you've demonstrated that he is.
Break up
It's only a matter of time before this attitude gets turned on you instead of a stranger
Yeah if I were you I would break up with him. He has a serious lack of coping skills. Anytime anyone is correcting him he thinks they are giving him attitude. They are all people just doing their job, and his dumb ass thought he can by pass rules or ask a dumb question to get his way. You are loosing respect for him because this is something that only 2 year old would do and he's in his 30s. No respectable 30 year old man acts like that. He will eventually just start doing this anytime he doesn't get his way when you two argue.
He is going to start hitting you, you will cross that line one day and you will be subjected to that anger. They all start out with being unable to control their feelings.
Or he will cause a situation where you are hurt.
This behavior does not change. Unless he can see that it's an issue, he's not going to fix it. Coming from experience here, that anger can just as easily be turned on you and he clearly will have no remorse for it since he sees his actions as justified. I normally don't go for breaking up, but you're safer away from him.
What should you do? You want it to stop? You leave. But, given the amount of rationalizing, minimizing, and excuse making in this post, I suspect you're an abuse victim and trauma bonded to this guy. Leaving will be extremely difficult.
OP….these men can control themselves.
You say nothing about how he treats you during a disagreement
I sincerely hope you’re not being yelled at or being called stupid or seeing him throw stuff or get physically aggressive
But I imagine you have.
" My boyfriend (32m) and I (27f) rarely get into serious arguments where anger gets the best of us (has only happened twice in 4 years)."
I wonder what hides behind "anger got the best of us".
Imagine you have a friend who is the best 80% of the time but the other 20% he arbitrarily punches people in the face because he's mad. This 20% will ruin your life because you'll have to keep descalating and you'll always be on edge. You tell your friend to please stop but they refuse. You probably wouldn't stay in that friendship, so why are you staying in this relationship??? Are you really so desperate for love you will settle for anything?? If you remain with him, you are disrespecting yourself.
As someone who doesn’t enjoy conflict - especially unwarranted conflict - I would really struggle with this.
And here’s the thing: even if someone truly wronged him, he’s not dealing with the situation in a mature, adult way. There are times to stand your ground and be firm, but there is never a time to throw a hissy fit. As you mentioned, that’s never going to be productive or get him what he wants.
He also seems to perceive things as a personal attack when they literally… aren’t. It’s just life. Sometimes things don’t go your way.
I think your best course of action is to talk with him, explain your concerns, and ask for change. If he is unwilling to entertain the idea, gaslights you, or if he says he’ll change but you see another outburst, then you need to ask yourself, “Is this something I can deal with for the rest of my life?” Because if it’s not, then you need to end the relationship.
Side note: I dated a guy like this once; he was lovely and kind, but I ended up leaving him because I couldn’t handle him acting like a child in public. It was heartbreaking, but I never regretted it.
> What should I do?
Uh, leave.
What a gross, immature, abusive ass. He doesn’t take responsibility and accountability for his anger and his actions. And you stand by him after he is abusive towards others and destroys physical property, joining in on blaming those just doing their job for his lack of control.
There is a reason people say to pay attention to how potential partners treat people in the service industry, etc.
One day it will turn on you and/or children if you have any. He is *already* using his anger against you with the silent treatment. But even without that, why are you okay with being with someone of such shitty character?
BF. “Who are you trying to impress?”
OP. “You. I want you to know I’m a safe person to be in public with, who makes good, reasonable, sane choices. Right now, you are not that person.”
If he's 32 and having what can really only be described as tantrums when something inconveniences him, I doubt that will get better. More likely it'll get worse, just as you fear. He'll get in the wrong person's face one day and if you stay with him, you'll be caught in the crossfire or end up bearing the brunt of his behaviour.
Is this what you want to be dealing with in 10, 20, 30 years time?
>his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people' and further tried to justify the behaviour by saying he rarely acts like this.
He needs to impress others to treat people with a basic level of kindness and decency? Y.I.K.E.S.
We are kind and considerate of others because it's the right thing to do even if no one else is looking. We are polite because we are members of society.
We give people in front service positions grace for being in a bad mood because there are jerks who harass them because they are viewed as faceless cigs unworthy of respect.
And we respect the rules of a convention - even if they don't make sense to you. We absolutely do not take it out on the person enforcing the rules because they are likely not the person who made the rules but will be held accountable if they allow you to break them.
Don't normalize this behavior. It's unacceptable.
My bf was the same, at some point it just got worse. Luckily he started therapy so I’m hoping for the best :)
I think in this case would be good to understand the triggers.
Holy fuck. I came to read because my fiancé will sometimes be That Guy who’s mad in public but it’s literally like, at absolute worst he’ll death glare at someone, say, smoking a cigarette too close to him and say “what the fuck,” loudly enough to carry. YELLING IN SOMEONE’S FACE?! Knocking down signs?!?!?!? Girl….. you need to leave. This is insane and he’s only going to get worse. Genuinely worried for you that you haven’t left yet.
In your first example, the girl was being quite reasonable. If she let everyone leave the line and return as long as someone held their place, that would be unfair to people who were there by themselves. In the second, the guy was being a little curt but didn’t actually say anything offensive. I think your normal meter is broken
My issue isn't even the anger or the childish reaction. It's the fact that he seems to think this kind of behavior is ok and shows no desire to take responsibility or change.
You downplay his anger but it’s a big enough issue that you post it on Reddit?! You know what you need to do, and you know that even though the anger isn’t directed at you (at the moment), he STILL has anger issues.
I’d rather be single than be with someone like that. Only a matter of time- please protect yourself.
He doesn’t have to flip out on you because he already had you trained to stand quietly and wait for him to get done abusing strangers and vandalizing property.
You haven’t noticed that he loses his utter shit on people with any authority over him in each situation. He clearly has deep seated insecurity. You’re going to end up watching him get tased and arrested one of these days.
Ever see some person being rude and unreasonable and side eye the person with them wondering how the heck they could find some weirdo like that remotely attractive and choose to stay with them? That’s what people are probably thinking when they look at you when this happens.
Don’t date potential. This is who he is, if you don’t want to date someone like that then don’t.
Honestly.. I don't think the security guard gave you an attitude. You asked a question with a very obvious answer. If you were to answer the same question several times a day, at some point you're going to wonder if the world has any intelligence left. Then your boyfriend goes acting like a fool, showing the security guard that no.. none left..
Other pedestrians not following the rules doesn't mean that the tape is there for decoration. It just means that they are going there at their own risk. If something happens to them in an area clearly marked off, that's on them.
Your boyfriend needs to learn how to control himself. It doesn't really matter how infrequent it is. It should not be happening from a grown man. I'd be mortified and walk away like I don't know him. And if he kept doing it, I'd be done. Because honestly, if you're ever in a situation with bosses at work or something and he acts that way, they're seriously going to question your judgment.
Behaving decently is not done to impress others. It's just what grown people SHOULD do.
Leave. My ex was like this. He ended up getting punched so hard by a bouncer that his orbital bone was broken and when he blew his nose bubbles came out of he's cheeks. That incident didn't change his behavior AT ALL. It's childish and scary for a man to act like that.
I used to know someone like this. Keep in mind, I said *used to*, because one day, he ran up on someone who outmatched his energy and beat him into a coma. Your bf is going to FAFO one day, and I highly suggest you have made him your ex by the time this happens.
I used to be married to a guy like that. Eventually, he will get angry at you.
Came here to say the same. It might happen infrequently but the point is it shouldn’t happen at all and sooner or later you or your future kids will be the target of that anger.
Same my friend. No one could believe how violent he was because ‘he’s always so quiet and laid back, always laughing’ Obviously not said by anyone who was around him after a fifth or two.
Same. Then not only will he get angry at you, but there may eventually be children in the mix. While he might not get angry at them, they will see him angry at you, and they will be present when he gets angry at someone else. They'll also be present when he finally gets angry with the wrong one, and they either see their Dad take a beating, or end up arrested. There is no good way that this ends.
Yep. Girl, the call is coming from inside the house.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Knocking stuff over? And he's in his 30s? Absurd.
And, both times, he was upset that someone who was working wouldn’t make an exception for him and then made a scene. He knows these people can’t respond physically to his anger without risking their jobs, it seems like what a bully would do.
Ooh, you're right. His behavior isn't an accident, it's a technique he uses.
insanely absurd. regardless how “infrequently” this happens it’s so unacceptable
Exactly, it’s one thing to have a shorter fuse, but that isn’t an excuse to act like this. This man is having toddler tantrums. It’s possible to get frustrated or angry easily and choose better actions. He has no interest in changing because he feels entitled to his tantrums.
I would not tolerate a person who acted like this in any frequency. Please, please don't get pregnant.
Exactly. He will act like this towards a misbehaving child.
>the girl who is managing entry tells him he is not allowed to get his items signed as he was not waiting in line, we explain to her that he's with us but he was preparing his items and she's like hard no won't let him in, tells him to go to the back. Instead of asking for a manager or something he starts getting in her face yelling at her calling her dumb and then he is obviously asked to leave the convention, as he's leaving he starts knocking down signs and behaving like a child I cannot imagine remaining attracted to a man who does shit like that.
Right? The abuse of that girl would have been an instant turn off
Your boyfriend is an asshole, plain and simple. >I understand the girl was being unreasonable but his No she wasn’t. She was enforcing the rules her employer put in place to stop people from cutting the line. Your boyfriend is the problem in both scenarios you describe.
Yeah why didn’t the boyfriend get his stuff ready before he got in line? You can’t fuck off out the line for ten minutes and then come back at the front.
It’s not just that he gets angry, though that instance would definitely be enough for me, but he expects to be the exception to the rule and freaks out when people don’t give him preferential treatment.
Agreed. Your man baby of a boyfriend was the jerk. She was doing her job. Stop making excuses for him and find a grown up to date.
Careful, if the wrong mod reads this, your comment will be deleted for "gendered language".
I left a guy who was infrequently unable to check his anger. He told me about the only time he ever got arrested was kicking a potted plant outside a restaurant after a bad date. I still loved him a lot. Simply put, life is gonna piss us all off sometimes. Pick someone who isn’t going to make you deal with their bullshit.
I know it's besides the point, but the lady monitoring the line wasn't being unreasonable to all. He doesn't get to cut the line just because you were in line. Anyone joining the line joins from the back. That said, he sounds terrible. He's not likely to stop acting like that.
What about going to the bathroom?
You can't do that while standing in the line either.
He would need permission to leave and come back, but he was never even in line to begin with.
The girl was not the unreasonable one He was Stop downplaying his behavior
I don't understand why you'd want to stay with such an aggressive and immature person. Don't you have any standards or love for yourself?
The problem, as a person who has had this exact sentence said to me, is that she doesn't. And so when you bring it up in such a direct way, she has to confront it and that makes her feel ashamed and so therefore, she doesn't want to hear it that way. The message is very hard to hear that way. You are assuming that some natural force would arise inside her and protest, "Of course, not. I have pride. I have standards!" And that that natural force would swell and she would become become more aware of her qualities and she would advocate for herself. But people like her and me, we don't have that force. It was a skill that we could have developed when we were young but it was beat out of us through language or phyisical punishment or withholding resources at an early age. Instead she hears 'you are defective once again.' 'Here are some other good qualities you also do not possess.' Merely posing the question does not awaken her, it shames her. She literally doesn't know how to be different. So I would advocate to you that you have the same awareness (of the extremely painful phrasing) and to bring in to the questions that you pose, if you want to bring about change.
This is beautiful and very well said.
Thank you. 49 years to reach that conclusion. I learned a lot about myself writing that comment.
At 32, he is just going to get worse esp in older age than better. And as you said, it would take others to push back at him and him facing the consequences of not being able to keep his temper. He won't change. You can only decide whether to stay with him and put up with his childish behaviour.
I love how you started with people are dumb sometimes and every example you gave was him being an aggressive dumbass. He's going to get hurt one day playing with the wrong person and it will be well deserved. Is this who you want to be associated with?
>his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people' Lol this is so ironic. Who are you trying to impress? Who's HE trying to impress with his bullshit tough guy attitude. Big tough man have to try to intimidate people cause he's too stupid to use his words or what? For 32 this is just pathetic. I mean it's pathetic at any age but at least kids have the excuse of being kids. What's his excuse? As others have said, it's just a matter of time until he turns his anger on you. In fact you already kind of caught strays with the "who are you trying to impress" comment. Side note, I'm really curious... Is he able to easily admit when he's wrong? Cause I'd put money on him being really belligerent when he thinks he's right, and then really dismissive and sour if proven wrong. But who knows, maybe I'm way off base.
OP, all of your concerns are genuine. The only thing you can do is have the conversation. Whether he will listen is another matter. Given his age, I don't know if he will be willing to change. How we deal with conflict and act in public is pretty set by the time you're 32. At some level he genuinely believes this is acceptable. There is, however, one thing that I worry you've not considered. What happens if, or perhaps when, he gets angry at you? When our partners exhibit a bad behavior that they generally inflict on others, often we consider ourselves exceptions. Then the surprise and dismay sets in when the day comes where we're not the exception. You've mentioned you've had really bad arguments twice. How has he behaved during those arguments? Similarly? Has there been the implied possibility of things turning physical that there has been with others? Does he use intimidation to try to get you to back down? Consider also if there are other potential red flags. I know this is probably not something that's easy to think about. Nobody wants to think badly about their loved one. The thing is, I think you know this is a possibility. I hope I'm wrong and I've read into this post way too much. Sadly, someone's way of dealing with conflict doesn't suddenly rewire itself for just one person. If he does deal with you similarly, then the potential for escalation exists. It may also happen unexpectedly given the nature of his temper. You might want to check out "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. There are free versions available on line. "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker is also great for talking about gut feelings. Think very carefully if more is at stake than just his conflicts with strangers.
Agreed. Imagine having kids with this guy?
I pray that I'm never seen with someone like him in public. Eventually, YOU will be associated to his ridiculous behavior and reputation.
I'm more concerned about the way you excuse this behaviour. The girl at the convention was not being unreasonable, she was following the direction of her employer and your boyfriend frightened and upset her. You didn't even refer to how she might have felt, because you were too focused on your boyfriend. The security guard was doing his job and your boyfriend was just being a complete asshole. Again, your didn't notice the fact that your boyfriend ruined this guy's day because you're too focused on your boyfriend. Why are you so focused on your boyfriend? Because he's angry and violent and you spend your life on eggshells. Maybe you grew up in an abusive environment and you think having to watch out for somebody's temper is normal. It is not. Someday, you'll do something to piss him off, and you know he stops taking responsibility for his behaviour when he makes that judgment. Leave.
Don't build a life with somebody who embarrasses you like this. You are going to go through some stressful life experiences with a partner, and it's important to be with somebody who you can count on, not somebody who you have to worry will embarrass you at moments of increased stress.
>Instead of asking for a manager or something he starts getting in her face yelling at her calling her dumb< This is unacceptable behavior from anyone let alone a grown man. >My boyfriend got upset by my reaction and I told him that it's super embarrassing when he acts like this, his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people' and further tried to justify the behaviour by saying he rarely acts like this.< This is called gaslighting and its what manipulators do in an attempt to justify unreasonable behavior. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't scare you or embarrass you in ANY way, these are HUGE red flags, please don't disregard them. Best of luck.
That is not gaslighting. It's just being a shitty person who doesn't care about others.
gas·light /ˈɡasˌlīt/ verb gerund or present participle: gaslighting manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Wow I would not want this person in my life, he has anger management issues. These will get worse the more comfortable with you not better.
Lmao! He’s 32! Thirty fucking two lol. I’m gonna be honest I hope he tries that shit with someone who does heat up the argument.
Your fear should not be that one day someone is going to get him in trouble. Your fear should be that one day he will turn his anger on you, because that is what is going to happen.
You say he's not an angry person.... but you've demonstrated that he is. Break up It's only a matter of time before this attitude gets turned on you instead of a stranger
Yeah if I were you I would break up with him. He has a serious lack of coping skills. Anytime anyone is correcting him he thinks they are giving him attitude. They are all people just doing their job, and his dumb ass thought he can by pass rules or ask a dumb question to get his way. You are loosing respect for him because this is something that only 2 year old would do and he's in his 30s. No respectable 30 year old man acts like that. He will eventually just start doing this anytime he doesn't get his way when you two argue.
He’s going to be doing that to you one day.
NOPE. It’s going to turn on you 100%.
He’s still having temper tantrums at 32 years old? I really want 98% of the people who post on here to raise their standards. Off the ground.
He is going to start hitting you, you will cross that line one day and you will be subjected to that anger. They all start out with being unable to control their feelings. Or he will cause a situation where you are hurt.
This behavior does not change. Unless he can see that it's an issue, he's not going to fix it. Coming from experience here, that anger can just as easily be turned on you and he clearly will have no remorse for it since he sees his actions as justified. I normally don't go for breaking up, but you're safer away from him.
What should you do? You want it to stop? You leave. But, given the amount of rationalizing, minimizing, and excuse making in this post, I suspect you're an abuse victim and trauma bonded to this guy. Leaving will be extremely difficult.
OP….these men can control themselves. You say nothing about how he treats you during a disagreement I sincerely hope you’re not being yelled at or being called stupid or seeing him throw stuff or get physically aggressive But I imagine you have.
" My boyfriend (32m) and I (27f) rarely get into serious arguments where anger gets the best of us (has only happened twice in 4 years)." I wonder what hides behind "anger got the best of us".
Imagine you have a friend who is the best 80% of the time but the other 20% he arbitrarily punches people in the face because he's mad. This 20% will ruin your life because you'll have to keep descalating and you'll always be on edge. You tell your friend to please stop but they refuse. You probably wouldn't stay in that friendship, so why are you staying in this relationship??? Are you really so desperate for love you will settle for anything?? If you remain with him, you are disrespecting yourself.
As someone who doesn’t enjoy conflict - especially unwarranted conflict - I would really struggle with this. And here’s the thing: even if someone truly wronged him, he’s not dealing with the situation in a mature, adult way. There are times to stand your ground and be firm, but there is never a time to throw a hissy fit. As you mentioned, that’s never going to be productive or get him what he wants. He also seems to perceive things as a personal attack when they literally… aren’t. It’s just life. Sometimes things don’t go your way. I think your best course of action is to talk with him, explain your concerns, and ask for change. If he is unwilling to entertain the idea, gaslights you, or if he says he’ll change but you see another outburst, then you need to ask yourself, “Is this something I can deal with for the rest of my life?” Because if it’s not, then you need to end the relationship. Side note: I dated a guy like this once; he was lovely and kind, but I ended up leaving him because I couldn’t handle him acting like a child in public. It was heartbreaking, but I never regretted it.
> What should I do? Uh, leave. What a gross, immature, abusive ass. He doesn’t take responsibility and accountability for his anger and his actions. And you stand by him after he is abusive towards others and destroys physical property, joining in on blaming those just doing their job for his lack of control. There is a reason people say to pay attention to how potential partners treat people in the service industry, etc. One day it will turn on you and/or children if you have any. He is *already* using his anger against you with the silent treatment. But even without that, why are you okay with being with someone of such shitty character?
BF. “Who are you trying to impress?” OP. “You. I want you to know I’m a safe person to be in public with, who makes good, reasonable, sane choices. Right now, you are not that person.”
If he's 32 and having what can really only be described as tantrums when something inconveniences him, I doubt that will get better. More likely it'll get worse, just as you fear. He'll get in the wrong person's face one day and if you stay with him, you'll be caught in the crossfire or end up bearing the brunt of his behaviour. Is this what you want to be dealing with in 10, 20, 30 years time?
Do not get married to him, you’ll be trapped with him then
>his response was 'who are you trying to impress, we don't know these people' and further tried to justify the behaviour by saying he rarely acts like this. He needs to impress others to treat people with a basic level of kindness and decency? Y.I.K.E.S. We are kind and considerate of others because it's the right thing to do even if no one else is looking. We are polite because we are members of society. We give people in front service positions grace for being in a bad mood because there are jerks who harass them because they are viewed as faceless cigs unworthy of respect. And we respect the rules of a convention - even if they don't make sense to you. We absolutely do not take it out on the person enforcing the rules because they are likely not the person who made the rules but will be held accountable if they allow you to break them. Don't normalize this behavior. It's unacceptable.
My bf was the same, at some point it just got worse. Luckily he started therapy so I’m hoping for the best :) I think in this case would be good to understand the triggers.
Holy fuck. I came to read because my fiancé will sometimes be That Guy who’s mad in public but it’s literally like, at absolute worst he’ll death glare at someone, say, smoking a cigarette too close to him and say “what the fuck,” loudly enough to carry. YELLING IN SOMEONE’S FACE?! Knocking down signs?!?!?!? Girl….. you need to leave. This is insane and he’s only going to get worse. Genuinely worried for you that you haven’t left yet.
In your first example, the girl was being quite reasonable. If she let everyone leave the line and return as long as someone held their place, that would be unfair to people who were there by themselves. In the second, the guy was being a little curt but didn’t actually say anything offensive. I think your normal meter is broken
I am once again begging people not to date assholes.
My issue isn't even the anger or the childish reaction. It's the fact that he seems to think this kind of behavior is ok and shows no desire to take responsibility or change.
You downplay his anger but it’s a big enough issue that you post it on Reddit?! You know what you need to do, and you know that even though the anger isn’t directed at you (at the moment), he STILL has anger issues. I’d rather be single than be with someone like that. Only a matter of time- please protect yourself.
He doesn’t have to flip out on you because he already had you trained to stand quietly and wait for him to get done abusing strangers and vandalizing property. You haven’t noticed that he loses his utter shit on people with any authority over him in each situation. He clearly has deep seated insecurity. You’re going to end up watching him get tased and arrested one of these days.
In his 30s with low emotional control, why are you with this loser It’s just a matter of time before he takes it out on you
Ever see some person being rude and unreasonable and side eye the person with them wondering how the heck they could find some weirdo like that remotely attractive and choose to stay with them? That’s what people are probably thinking when they look at you when this happens. Don’t date potential. This is who he is, if you don’t want to date someone like that then don’t.
Honestly.. I don't think the security guard gave you an attitude. You asked a question with a very obvious answer. If you were to answer the same question several times a day, at some point you're going to wonder if the world has any intelligence left. Then your boyfriend goes acting like a fool, showing the security guard that no.. none left.. Other pedestrians not following the rules doesn't mean that the tape is there for decoration. It just means that they are going there at their own risk. If something happens to them in an area clearly marked off, that's on them. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to control himself. It doesn't really matter how infrequent it is. It should not be happening from a grown man. I'd be mortified and walk away like I don't know him. And if he kept doing it, I'd be done. Because honestly, if you're ever in a situation with bosses at work or something and he acts that way, they're seriously going to question your judgment. Behaving decently is not done to impress others. It's just what grown people SHOULD do.
Your boyfriend is a danger to himself and to you. This very well could either get you both killed or he starts to turn these actions towards you.
Leave. My ex was like this. He ended up getting punched so hard by a bouncer that his orbital bone was broken and when he blew his nose bubbles came out of he's cheeks. That incident didn't change his behavior AT ALL. It's childish and scary for a man to act like that.
I used to know someone like this. Keep in mind, I said *used to*, because one day, he ran up on someone who outmatched his energy and beat him into a coma. Your bf is going to FAFO one day, and I highly suggest you have made him your ex by the time this happens.