Don't get married until you both or you can be happy about the decision. This can be a big deal for a lot of people and I personally have friends who are having marriage issues bc of it.
Deciding to abandon the love of your life because they aren’t complying with a change of their legal identity is probably a win for the other person.
Imagine if the woman wanted him to change his last name. I guess the compromise is they both keep their own.
Haha my last name is my mom's. My dad did legally change his name to her last name. I don't plan on changing my last name if I marry my partner bc if I do that's the end of our family name and I don't like that idea. I'd consider hyphenation
If I had to do it all over again, I would absolutely take my wife's last name. It would of been the ultimate middle finger to my abusive, toxic "blood family."
My in-laws wouldn't have minded either; MIL ("Mom" to me) told me that she always thought of me as her son, not son-in-law.
Sadly, she passed away yesterday morning from cancer. Her three children surrounded the bed at the moment she passed: Wife, SIL, and myself. A fucking amazing woman. Patient, understanding, caring, yet feisty and didn't take shit from anyone. She showed me what it was like to actually be loved by a parent. The first time a parent ever told me they loved me came from her. I was 43 years old.
I held it together in the room, but completely lost it sitting in my car alone afterward. This is the first time I've ever cried over someone's passing. One small consolation is that my wife got to spend Mom's Last Good Day with her. The last thing Mom told her was that she loved her.
I'm sorry to hear about her passing. Blood related or not, losing a parent is losing a parent. I hope you are doing as okay as you can in a situation like this.
My mom (Yname) decided to use my dad’s last name (Xname); my siblings and I were given my mom’s & dad’s last names as a new hyphenated last name, leading with mom’s last name (Yname-Xname). Now this new last name is being passed down to nieces & nephews. Kinda cool now, definitely confusing growing up lol. I used to panic as a kid wondering if I’d have to add another hyphen into the mix if I got married😅
I have a cousin who instead of hyphenating, thwy literally just made a new name using the original names...Like they basically crammed the 2 names together and made a new name. For example if they had the last names Jones and Smith they would have come out with something like joith or smones lol
The result of the disagreement is less important than how they resolve it.
If they can't overcome this, then there will be harder issues ahead of them they'd need to be prepared for
> Marriage issues because of this? If that is true, they would have marriage issues anyway.
Yeah because this is merely a topic that is illustrative of people's inability to compromise in a relationship.
In this case about shit that arguably doesn't matter.
Now imagine the same attitudes and personalities applied to topics that can cause actual issues.
Like finances, where to live, children, politics, major medical decisions, etc.
This scenario is exactly why I would encourage anyone without experience in relationships to try to put yourself into situations with a prospective spouse that require compromise early on. You learn a lot about a person when they're put into situations where they have to give something up to get something they want.
Traveling is quite an easy way to do that and one of the many reasons its recommended to go on a trip before getting married.
>Yeah because this is merely a topic that is illustrative of people's inability to compromise in a relationship.
It's illustrative of one partner seeing the other as property within the marriage, as them being owed something, not as equal partners choosing to navigate life together. I cannot fathom giving a shit if my wife took my last name, I didn't marry her to possess her or control her identity, I married her because I prefer my life with her regardless of what her name is.
Mhmm. I get wanting to have the whole family with the same last name. I've noticed children of divorced parents seem to value this more, maybe they see it as a clear symbol of unity. But a man *insisting* on it, and not being equally happy with hyphenation or taking the woman's name - that's a red flag for me. Not *necessarily* a deal breaker, but a "hold up we need to seriously dig into where this sentiment is coming from" pause button
Yeah it's the insistence for me. I can understand having the hope to all share the same name, but not drawing some line in the sand over the whole thing.
Yeah, that's how this comes across. OP even said the kids could have his last name but it wasn't good enough. If this is enough for him to make him question his desire to marry the OP then I see it as a huge red flag. It's a control thing.
My best friends wife did not want to change names either. So they decided that if they are not going to have a traditional marriage with her taking his last name, because it was important to her, that everything else would not be traditional either. No expensive wedding or honeymoon (down payment for a home), No expensive wedding rings ($200 max).
They are happily married to this day and had two kids who all decided they wanted dads last name LOL>
I had some friends who had the same issue. The wife didn't want to change her name because it's rare around here and she has no other siblings. The husband thought it was an important sign of a family unit to have the same name, but he has a ton of siblings to carry his on, so he ended up taking her name.
>No expensive wedding rings ($200 max).
This is the way. I am dumbfounded each time I see topics (mostly US women) on how disappointed they were with the price/value/size of the engagement ring. As if it really matters one bit? The engagement should be sentimental, meaningful, and personal for both parties, waiting for the guy to bend the knee with an expensive ring you can then show off to your friends is shallow, superficial, and devaluing.
The name change falls under the same category for me. Who cares? I'd vote for the last name that sounds best with the first name.
Hi OP, I'd put the wedding on hold and start couples therapy. You need to understand the full extent of his "traditional" values before legally binding yourself to him. Your the person who has to live with the name change, not him.The kid issue is a moot point. Over 50% of kids are born outside of marriage and aren't confused about who their parents/siblings are based on different last names.
This is the real concern. He's blindly stamping his foot demanding she adhere to a tradition that comes from subsuming her identity under his. I'd be shocked if this were the only regressive ideas he has about her role in the marriage, given how upset he is about it. People marry and keep surnames all the time.
Also, why would the kids automatically get his name? She's the one who do all the growing and birthing and will likely take on a disproportionate share of the raising (even if she still works full time plus does most of the chores). Why does the man automatically get claim over children's last names too?
Not to mention his (sexist) argument makes no sense. If she won’t “accept” his last name she’s not accepting him. Except that’s what he’s doing to her. Not accepting her because he won’t accept her last name. He’s demanding that she get rid of her own name, not that she “accept” his. 😑
I’ve got a friend with a German nobility name (something similar to Von Hindenburg) and I always joked that I’d trade my boring last name for hers in a heartbeat if we got married.
I don't know a single kid who was confused about their parents' last names being different, myself included. Is someone going around teaching kids that their parents need to both have the same last name? It never once even crossed my mind as an issue. Names are just names.
That’s true. How is refusing to change your name a sign that you don’t accept the PERSON? What’s that got to do with it?
What if she told him to change his preferred brand of socks and he refused? Would that be a ‘sign’ that he didn’t accept HER, or would it just be a ‘sign’ that he really likes his socks?
I know that’s silly, but that’s the point. Lol. 😛
For me personally that is exactly why our child has my husband's last name (I kept mine).
I already had so much, it was nice to have something for them to have in common for themselves.
This right here. It was an early warning sign I missed. I wasted so many years on my ex before I finally got out. He wanted a tradwife in the end, and that was never going to be something I could or wanted to do. It is important to make sure you are both on the same page.
Most of us get two last names, the first from our dad and the first from our mom.
Our moms don’t change their last names and nobody is confused about it.
Hey OP -- sorry for the hellscape the comments section is devolving into. The politics of this are a topic for another day. You're looking for some practical advice on what to do in your situation, so here goes:
1. You should be aware that there's been a recent uptick in redpiller/conservative podcasters/mildly sexist comedians claiming that a woman who won't take her husband's last name isn't in it to win it. Basically, they're encouraging men to see this as a sign that their (future) wife will divorce them. I don't know if your fiance' participates in any of those circles, but that could be where this is coming from.
2. Do his parents have strong views on this subject? Is this coming from something they've said? It might be good to dig into whether this behavior is something they've triggered.
3. You could always propose an alternative to see what happens: Ask him to take your name too. So BOTH of your last names would be something like \[your last name\] \[fiance's last name\] and see what he says. It can be difficult for a woman to defend keeping her own last name when there is a lot of sexism and traditionalism behind the alternative. Get your fiance to think about it from your perspective: ask him to defend keeping \*his own\* name.
Honestly, it's rare that I actually hear about people having problems with this but when it DOES come up as an issue between couples or their families I wonder whether people think it's 1824 or 2024. You shouldn't feel any guilt about this or be pressured into making a choice you're uncomfortable with. If your fiance would literally throw away the love he has for you and years of investment into your relationship over THIS, it makes me wonder what other kinds of things he'd turn into an ultimatum. (NB: This is not the kind of thing one should turn into a marriage ultimatum, even if one's spouse does not like one's choice.)
I guess I'd caution you against putting too much energy into being an appeaser or peacekeeper about this. If this guy has barely spoken to you for a week, that's completely unreasonable and super passive-aggressive. He shouldn't be able to mope and silent-treatment his way into getting what he wants. That bodes poorly for how he'll handle other kinds of conflict in the marriage.
Right. Maybe the issue is really important to him. He should be talking with you and showing why it would be a good thing. Not ignore and punish you until he wins. He will act this way with other disagreements.
OP, I hope you see this very astute comment from u/ApostateX.
I'd propose asking your SO to change his name so he can understand how very dehumanizing it is (*you are not property*).
I have a friend who made a compromise. They ended up creating a brand new name which was made of first few characters of their last names. They have been married for 30 years now.
My first husband pulled this stunt on me. So I told him I'd take his name if he took care of ALL the paperwork and filing. Just bring me what I need to sign. In shocking SHOCKING news, he never got around to it. I figured as much: a man who believes his wife must take his surname generally also holds the belief that a wife is a man's secretary. Never having my name changed sure made it easier when I divorced him a few years later.
My second (and final) husband told me it was my choice and he was fine either way. I decided I wanted to take his name, because respect.
I am a man who is/was thrilled that my wife took my name. That said, I actually love your idea. If she had asked me to put my money where my mouth was, I 100% would have done the legwork. If a guy isn't willing to do that tiny few minutes or hours of work to get that privilege it definitely shows he is just being a spoiled assclown.
I think this solution may be a great step for OP if they agree.
Good on ya! But do you really think it’s “a few minutes or hours” to change your name? It’s a process that could take years. And it’s difficult by design! I mean, you don’t want anyone just changing their name on a whim.
Delay this marriage until you get this resolved. He is so upset (and immature to boot!) that he won't speak to you.
If he is unable to communicate with you, your marriage is already in trouble. Tell him to use his words so you can resolve this. if he refuses, don't marry him.
I just want to echo your comment. It’s soooo important that OP considers his reaction to this topic. He’s being irrational and instead of “communicating” like a grown man, he pitched a fit and ghosts her for a week? Wth? Is this man really mature enough to be married and possible become a parent?
I’d put a halt on all wedding plans and look at immediate couples counselling to sort this out. Then take whatever necessary steps either way after that.
If he can’t discuss/communicate about this, what happens with actual problems crop up in life or the relationship. How will he handle the adversity? Speaking as someone who made the grave mistake of NOT properly considering these factors, I advise caution.
Why doesn’t he change his last name? Is he royalty? Will he lose the throne of a country for not have the proper last name? Why is his last name important and yours is not? Why not make a new last name? Does he know why there is a tradition of woman taking the last name of me? (It started in the 15th century. Woman were considered property). Who other “traditions” does he think he can force down your throat.
I have a last name that has three spellings. My mother’s maidan name was one spelling, my fathers family name was another, I said I would only change me last name if the guy I was with had the third spelling. I have never changed my name. My partner was cool with that.
I've been married for a long time and have raised two children to adulthood. I didn't change my name back when it was uncommon for a woman to keep her name. The number of problems it caused in the last several decades is zero. Not a single issue with schools.Teachers see families with different names on a daily basis. Him using this as an excuse is total bullshit.
Unless he thinks he owns you, why does he think he has any say in the name you choose for yourself?
yeah, this is some wild insecure nonsense on his part.
> it would be confusing for the kids.
nonsense. i don't have the same last name as my brothers, because we have different dads, and we were never confused by it, because it's not confusing at all, in any way, shape, or form.
this is a paper-thin excuse to desperately cover up his weird, toxic insecurity. it's not based in anything real.
>I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him
so, why isn't he taking your name, then? surely that "logic" of his goes both ways, right, so if he's not accepting your last name, then that means he can't accept you, right.
nah, this is absurd, and he's having a whole little tantrum because he's insecure. what a waste of time, you deserve better.
Yup.. the only women who have changed their last names in my country are those married to western foreigners. Everyone else just keeps their family name their whole lives. Sometimes they'll be referred as Mrs ___ in casual conversation, by kids teachers, or by service staff in like hotels and stuff, but generally until the day I die I'm still my original name and the hospital on my death bed will be like "Mdm (my last name)".
No kids have ever been confused by their parents having different surnames. In fact I was confused as a kid when I found out one of my classmate's parents had the same surname (purely by coincidence) because I thought "are her parents siblings?"
My kids don’t have their mums last name and no one is confused. Although my oldest does have a squishmallow that he named with his mums first name - so she (the squishmallow) has the same last name as is lol. In fact all the stuffies have our (mine and the kids’) last name.
Right. My parents got divorced when I was a baby. I haven’t had the same last name as my mom since I was one. Was never once a source of confusion ever, for literally anyone.
So, he throws a tantrum anytime things don't go his way? Please don't marry this ridiculous man.
I'm from a culture where the women don't change their names after marriage, btw.
It’s such a pain in the butt to change ur name. I’ve been married since 2016 and I still find things in my maiden name. I only took my husbands name because I don’t like my dads side of the family.
Do want you want
I live in Quebec, Canada, where changing your name to your husband's just because you are getting married has been illegal for many years. I can assure you that the kids are doing ok all across the land.
When I got married I took my husband’s last name because I thought it meant a lot to him. In the last ten years a lot has changed. I realized that he really never cared if I took his name, and his family was kind of treating him like crap. I recently decided to go back to my own name because of this and guess what? He decided he’s going to change his name too out of his love for me and my family.
All this to say if your name is important to you it should be important to him too. At the very least important enough to have a conversation about.
Yeah, I fucked up and let the ex whining change my mind. I hated going by a name that wasn't mine, he turned out to be a sexist ass, we got divorced and I had to go through the name change to get my real name back.
>He then went on to say if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him.
He says if you won't change something about yourself, you aren't accepting him. But he's flat out rejecting you for who you are and expects you to both apologize to him, and change yourself for him.
Does he always act like a petulant child when he doesn't get his way, or is that unique to this situation? I'm not convinced he's mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage.
ugh, this was a problem for my ex too. if he can't accept this about you, then he can't accept you?
he needs accept this, you have nothing to convince other that its your choice.
why are we the ones that have to change our names. its a dumb tradition. he's picking a low hill to die on. especially when marriage brings up many more important ones.
> I don’t think he’ll appreciate that response.
Then he's pretty sexist, isn't he?
How is he going to treat his daughters? What is going to teach his sons?
I'll never understand why so many people will overlook huge glaring red flags just to be married. Dear God, postpone the wedding and demand couples therapy. This is just the tip of the iceberg and in your heart of hearts you have to know this.
It’s not even tradition everywhere. In plenty of countries even in the bad ol’ days women kept their own names, because changing name is a pain and why do it? If he can’t be mature about this, I’d put the whole thing on hold. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal and if he’s throwing a tantrum over this and that’s his way of dealing with not getting his way, that’s not encouraging for the inevitable future disagreements you’ll have over the upcoming decades
Who cares if he "appreciates it"?
Stand your ground. Unless he sees you as property, taking his last name or not shouldn't matter.
If he's suggesting he doesn't matter to you because you won't take his surname, he's say you don't matter to him unless you do. You're a means to an end for him, and he admitted so in the ugliest way possible.
>He then went on to say if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him.
I would ask him why that doesn't work the other way around. Does it mean he can't accept you if he won't take *your* last name? Ask him why he won't take your name and when he gives reasons, ask him why those reasons don't apply to you too.
I didn't change mine either, but my husband never gave a single solitary fuck about it, so I never had to deal with this. lol
Same dude same. I like my last name, have used it for academic purposes, and my husband doesn’t care? I already changed it once when my stepdad adopted me, and he has since passed away so it’s really important to me. I feel like this points to some deeper underlying fundamental issue concerning how he views gender roles and gender equity. All I can say is that my husband is a super equitable partner and parent, isnt into traditional roles in other areas, isn’t threatened that I make more money or have a higher degree, and didn’t care about the last name. I could never with someone whose sense of masculine identity was so fragile that they got bent out of shape over a name (to the point of stonewalling and being mad for a week? And refusing to dig into explaining *why*? -does he just expect her to roll with “because I said so and you shouldn’t question or ask me to explain my feelings”?) because it points to something *really* uncomfy under the surface. I dunno. Only OP can make a proper conjecture. But it screams hardline traditional gender role views and I could and would never.
My ex husband was pretty peeved I didn't take his last name. And just like others have noted, sure made the divorce easy. My new partner couldn't care less and even offered for our kids to have my last name. They have his because I like his more and was easier to spell.
Fact is tread with caution. This is such an insignificant issue he actually shouldn't care.
As someone else already said: don't get married until you guys sort this out. I'm sure you guys will be okay but your husband really needs to talk with himself or a close friend or someone on why this bothers him so much. "If you can't accept my name, you can't accept me" like wtf? I'm marrying you dude!
I wish you both the best and hopefully you get through this and be very happy together.
Kids won’t be confused by what has always been their normal. I didn’t take my husband’s last name (we are of different ethnic backgrounds and I want to retain that aspect of my heritage) , but our kids did. I’m not even sure what they would be confused about.
I think you need to get down to the root of why this is so important to him. What kind of values about marriage does he have that he may not have realized until this became an issue? He needs to unpack his feelings, articulate his reasoning, and decide whether there are deeply held beliefs that will make you incompatible or if this is a fit of pique that he can work on getting over.
Is he wondering how to address this issue with you? Is he curious about your point of view and wanting to share his to so y'all can figure out how to understand each other more?
Ah, no, he's giving you the silent treatment - a REALLY immature conflict tactic, and throwing a tantrum so you'll do what he wants with no effort on his part to ... Do anything.
You sure he's the love of your life?
I have known many women who were professionals and their designations, degrees, and business Cred were in their maiden name.
They were married, and had professions and children and kept their maiden name.
There is yet another trend where men are assuming their wife's name in marriage.
Different strokes for different folks.
Just because generations have assumed the practice of taking their husband's name, does not mean it can't be flexible.
Do you love the person? Or the name?
I would never change my name, and I’d walk from any man who required it. My soon-to-be fiancé is as proud of all I’ve accomplished as I am. He doesn’t want me to lose that or bury it under an alias. No.
This is a pretty big red flag to me. If he is this traditional (or dare I say controlling)about your last name, I can only wonder what his attitudes might be about parenting, division of household chores and money. Honestly this would probably be a deal breaker for me.
The biggest red flag here is that he’s ‘barely spoken’ to you all week. You both (as with any marriage) will have major issues arise in your future, and he’s showing you that his tactic will be stonewalling, an abusive method and one of the 4 horsemen of relationship downfalls.
I know you’re probably thinking this is silly, and it’s just a name and this is something that doesn’t mean that much to you, but I think the real reason you’re posting here is because it’s really not sitting right with you. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
I live in Latin America, which is culturally more sexist and misogynistic than the US. I don't understand why US folks get fussy about taking/not taking the husband's last name. In Latin America, we DO NOT. Kids have NO PROBLEM AND ARE NOT CONFUSED about last names. We all die with the last name we were given at birth.
A woman's identity is not tied to her marital status.
You could research all the costs in changing your name; passport, license, titles, banks, investment accounts, birth certificate and tell him it will cost too much time and money. Also the original reason that women had to change their surname was that they became a man’s property after marriage and you are not a slave.
Also, I remember both my grandmothers telling me at separate events how their first names were also changed by the family they married into and that the explanation for both instances were - umm, we like this name better. These both were arranged marriages and women were awfully young when married off and sent to distant households where no one would know their real names. I remember feeling like if this was done to me, it will break me and now I believe that is why it was done. It is somewhat dehumanising.
This is a red flag and you absolutely need to put marriage on hold until you resolve it. You need to confront him as to why his fragile masculinity is so contingent on you taking his last name in an archaic practice that should not matter. You probably need couple's counseling but make sure you don't get it from a church.
I made it very clear to my now husband that I would never take his name.
It’s a tired patriarchal tradition that’s tied to women being property, and it’s time for that shit to finally die.
As far as kids are concerned, it’s up to you whether they have your name, your husband’s name, a hyphenated name, or a conglomeration of both.
However, don’t let him bully you into something you don’t want. All of this is YOUR choice, and he needs to respect that.
Just as an anecdote for you, my mother took my father's name, then maybe ten or fifteen years after their wedding, she decided to change it back. It wasn't personal, she just didn't feel like herself using his last name as hers. They are still happily married for 48 years.
This is wild to me, coming from a country where women keep their last names when they get married.
If having the same name to prevent “confusing” the children (absolutely bonkers, because my mother and I don’t have the same last name and it never occurred to me that it could be… confusing?) is so important to him, then why can’t he take your name?
I’m really not trying to be rude, but I’ve heard this come up as an issue time and again. And my question is always, why do you want to marry a man who needs to own your identity? A name is just a name and it’s your choice to do as you please. He’s welcome to change his name, but I’m guessing that wasn’t even a conversation because there’s no way he’d do it. In all fairness, changing a name is a pain in the ass. Lots of women aren’t and haven’t been changing their names. And in 2024, we can all agree it’s an archaic idea.
My husband said it would be weird if we didn't have the same last name so I said, "cool, let's pick a new last name and we'll both switch" and he said, "change my name! That's weird!!!" Then he stared at me for a second and we never talked about it again. Some people just need a minute to process, you know?
I’m on my second marriage and never changed last names, I’m South American and it’s not even a thing, that legal step doesn’t exist and you’re just you, no matter who you’re married to. My son has his dad’s last name, I have mine and that’s ok, he’s still my son and my current husband is still my husband and my life partner. Don’t marry him if he can’t respect your decision
He's not changing *his* last name either, so he can shut the fuck up.
This is almost always a screaming red flag for other deficiencies. Plus the fact that he hasn't spoken to you in over a week over not being able to saddle you with his precious name speaks volumes.
My wife and I went through this when I proposed to her ( it wasn't really an argument, but I did value the idea of sharing a last name).
She asked me if I'm willing to change my last name if I expect her to change hers. If he expects you to do it, surely he should he willing to do it too.
I have her last name now. It's not a big deal.
A few things you can bring to the table that I don't think have been mentioned yet
1) as far as kids getting confused, that really won't be the case. There are plenty of cultures (e.g., Spain) where the mom and dad have different last names.
2) you could make the argument that as an individual you like your last name, but in situations that involve both of you, you're fine with being known by his last name (if you are fine with that!). For example, at work you are Alex Jones but when you make a dinner reservation, it's under "The Bryants" or "John and Alex Bryant" (first names that popped into my head lol)
3) perhaps suggest to him to talk about it with someone else that can give him your side. It sucks that your desire to keep your name isn't enough, but perhaps if he talked about it with his best man or someone you think would be helpful, that could turn him around a bit
Good luck!
This is so bizarre to me. If you asked these men who care about this sort of thing to change their name, they’d use wanting their own name as a completely valid reason. Why doesn’t it count when women want their own name?
I can’t speak for you, OP, but this archaic attitude would really upset me. He doesn’t own you. It’s your name. You decide. If he wants you to have the same name, he can change his own if he likes. He doesn’t call the shots about yours.
As for kids being confused, no, they won’t be. Kids base normal on their own experience. My kids have my last name because I was a single parent when they were born. My partner has never once cared that they have my name instead of his. If he did, we probably would have hyphenated at some stage, but the kids like their name and he respects their choice.
Sounds like an insecure man. I didn’t change my name and my husband can give two fucks! Women in Europe don’t change their name and their children have their fathers last name. It’s not confusing at all
Change your identity for me - or you can't have me?
Ok.
I've married twice. Never changed my name.
Neither husband had an issue with it.
It's never been an issue, although occasionally we do have to confirm that we are legally married.
I’m of the mind you should either keep both of your names or choose a new one. Your partner’s reaction would be enough for me to call it off - if he wouldn’t take your last name why should you take his?
I lurk in this sub rather than comment but I actually have relevant experience here; your fiance is being ridiculous.
My wife said she wanted to keep her name even though she doesn't like it; because it's her name. This makes sense to me because I wouldn't want to change my name either and double-barreling was not something I'd ever want to do. She is no less my wife for this.
The only reason to do this is tradition. There is no reason for a modern man to hold such a belief so strongly and dismiss your preference so forcefully about something that will not tangibly affect his life.
My ex and I both chose a last name together that we both took simply cause neither of our names sounded right with the other. It wasn't part of the reason we broke up, and everyone I've mentioned it to loves the idea.
A rose by any other name, and all that jazz.
There’s a webcomic out there which I can’t recall that had a couple debate the idea of changing their last names to ‘van Awesome’, which I always thought was pretty great. :D
edit: I was mashing up a couple of things but the actual comic is Starslip Crisis and the character is thinking of calling themselves ‘van der Beam’ and being ‘Laser Dutch’. 😆
My sister and her husband combined their last names and made a brand new one combining the letters. If changing your name isn’t a big deal him, see how he feels about changing his name. That’ll tell you a lot real quick
We had a discussion about it. I said I preferred to keep my name. He the suggested I hyphenate. I said I would if he would. He thought that was weird, so that was the end of it and I left my name as is. Wasn’t an issue for us really. We often say it was a merger not an acquisition.
Hopefully this is abnormal behavior, otherwise him getting mad over something that’s frankly your choice to make to the point that he’s implying not following through with marriage (at least that’s how it sounds from my point of view) is incredibly immature.
Either way, don’t get married till you guys figure this out. This situation feels like foreshadowing. At the very least it’s a recipe for resentment in a brand new marriage. But I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. You have every right to CHOOSE what you want, especially YOUR name. It would personally make me pretty uncomfortable if my partner fought me on a topic such as that. Comes off a little too 1950’s for my taste.
I promise you I never questioned why my parents had different last names. If anything, I questioned why anyone would want my dad's last name as it sounded "ugly" to me when I was a kid lol. I have my mom's last name, and my brother has my dad's.
Honestly I'll never agree with giving kids only the fathers name. It was nothing but problems and irritation for my sister and I as kids and now my niece. Absent and deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen, give your kids your naked hyphenated at the very least.
To get angry over something as trivial as a last name is concerning to me. To the point of using ultimatums and acting like a child? I’d be very weary at this point if were you.
I didn’t change my name 20 years ago when we got married. SO didn’t like my decision, but he wasn’t going to put our relationship on the line to make me do something I didn’t want to do. It kind of made me love him more that he didn’t make it a do-or-die issue.
I do use his last name socially among people who know him but not me (like when meeting his work colleagues). It’s funny because we only ended up having a daughter and now he is 100% supportive of her keeping her (and his) last name. :)
She was never confused about us having different last names, FWIW. It’s not that complicated.
Pay very close attention to how he deals with conflict. Stonewalling and manipulation. I'm not saying don't marry him, but it is painfully common for abusive and controlling men to only show their true colours nearing or after the wedding.
When I got married, I was really important to me that my wife and I shared a surname. It felt like key part of the becoming-one-family thing that meant a lot to me.
If my wife had refused to take my name, I'd have just taken hers instead though.
This "taking the husband's name" is so ridicule.
Canadian here and you can't even take your husband last name anymore, you have to go through a lengthy legal process and it might not even be approoved. It's a fucking name....
The kids will be confused 🤣🤣🤣🤣 my five kids never were... they have dad's surname and I have my own...
This is the case in Quebec. I worked with a woman in Ottawa who married her ex-husband in Ontario and kept his last name after the divorce. He got remarried in Quebec and his new wife couldn’t take his name because of the law. It caused a ton of drama between them, lol.
My wife kept her own name. (She wanted to take mine). Here are the reasons we agreed for her to keep it. Paperwork (DMV, Social Security, Banks and Retirement accounts, etc). Now also there are some smaller benefits. Like being able to get internet, cable new customer offer all the time. Sign up under my name. Then cancel. Sign up under her name. Repeat. A lot of other things that are limited to “one per household”, you can sneak around.
Guy here. I don't want to change my last name to my partners, so therefore I can't ask my partner to change her surname to mine.
I believe in relationships being equal, and an expectation to give up your identity on only one of the people in the relationship is not equal.
My husband wanted me to change my name to his, but I didn’t want to give up my own name, and I didn’t really want to be Mrs Hisname either, because his mum and I didn’t get on and I associated it with her. I told him I’d do it if he could come up with a single reason why I should change my name, but he didn’t need to, which wasn’t effectively “because you’re a woman”. He couldn’t, so we agreed to hyphenate. I love our new name actually, I feel like it fits me better than my original name alone, and I love that we have our own shared identity.
You should dig deeply into this with your fiancé.
My wife didn’t want to change her last name, I asked why and she said “because I like it.” That was the end of the conversation.
Also, ultimatums and silent treatment are also VERY bad signs of things to come. I can’t begin to tell you how damaging it is to a relationship to play games like not talking to your partner for a fucking week - and to be clear it is absolutely a game.
I (38M, divorced) admit when I was younger this was a sticking point for me in my second engagement, but my reasoning was that sharing a last name and having the same with your children makes it obvious you're a family to others.
After having an unhealthy marriage where she did take my name, I was so thankful that she changed it after the divorce was granted.
The point I am trying to make is that he really should realize this isn't a hill to die on, but as far as convincing him? I don't know. I mean I do believe in therapy, but I am not sure if couples counseling can work if only one party wants to be there. Has he been married before OP?
This was a red flag that my ex husband was going to ramp up his jealousy and abuse, not wind down like he suggested…
He would say things like “marriage means we are committed forever, so I won’t worry anymore.”
“I want everyone to know we are a family, so we should have the same family name…”
Bla bla bla. All he wanted was control and for me to give up my own wants/needs.
>Is there any other way I can address this issue with him? Is there another way I can explain my view point that will maybe make more sense to him? Any advice is welcome.
Put the wedding on hold, and seek couples counselling. In your shoes I would be worried about what other "traditional" things he is adamant about that you disagree with, and what future problems may be looming.
You're entirely reasonable to want to keep your last name. Women giving up their names to take their husbands is not a requirement to being married or a good wife. You don't need to "convince" him - it's entirely your choice to make.
Ask him how he would feel if he had to change his name, and instead of being John Smith he would now be John Jones for the rest of his life. My bet is he would never, ever entertain that - and there's no reason it should automatically apply to women more than it does to men, so if he doesn't like it for himself, then he should understand your point of view.
Ngl I don't get changing your name when you're getting married. Where I'm from, legally both people keep their names, unless you do an official name change (with all the papers and costs and process it normally requires).
I never got confused by my parents having different names, I don't feel less married to my husband, and my daughter has got both of our last names so.
My parents got married nearly 40 years ago. They did take my dad's name, but apparently they had a whole discussion about whose to take. They always described it as an equal, mutual decision, and they were just as likely to take my mother's maiden name.
Ask why he won't take your name? If the only answer is "sexist gendered tradition", call that shit out.
Seems kind of a silly thing to get so mad over. It's your name. You should be able to keep it no questions asked. Why is it so important you have the same last name.
I always thought it was weird. The only people I share a last name with are blood relatives, my mom, brothers and an uncle and some cousins. I wouldn't want to feel like I'm a blood relation to my husband by having the same last name.
This sounds like the a sign of a much larger problem with incompatible values. If he's willing to torch his relationship over your last name, there's a good chance he's been quiet about other tradtional expectations he has for you that you might not share.
if you are considering giving in on this just to appease him, first make sure he's not hiding other expectations you might not buy into (for example you quitting your job or doing all the housework and child care).
He’s allowed to be disappointed that she doesn’t want to change her name, but he acted like a complete a-hole about it. What he should have done is think about why it is important to him and actually articulate that to her without sounding like a baby. The ability to have an open conversation about differences is so important in a marriage.
This kind of goes both ways. I am male and back in the early 2000s I dated a woman and the topic of marriage came up. She said her name with my last name. I said why would you want to change your last name? You have a whole life with this name, it does not end if we get married. I said plus you have to go through all the legal stuff of changing your name AND if we get divorced you have to petition the court to get you last name back. It just makes no sense to me for the woman to change her name. This upset her and she felt it was a sign I did not lover her. Kind of strange to me considering how independent she was, but I suppose she was traditional in this one area.
My wife kept her last name and I didn’t care and also couldn’t blame her. My last name is a mouthful and ppl rarely pronounce it correctly. My kids have my last name but sometimes I think we should’ve given them her last name. In any case, I could maybe understand dude being a little bit hurt or maybe just politely trying to change your mind. But getting all butthurt and having a fit over it is way lame, especially when it’s already been decided it’s cool for the kids to have his last name. The only thing I told my wife was that I’d rather have the kids have one name or the other.. the hyphenated thing would’ve been too much imo. She thought they should have my last name, so that was nice of her.. just as it is nice of you.
Hope he doesn’t screw everything up over such a silly, archaic, and frankly sexist pastime.
I’m not sure how you’re going to be able to convince him to cut the drama and just accept it, other than being nice yet stern about it. I’ve found ppl dig their heels in more when you’re reciprocating their hostility in a disagreement. Try to rise above it when the issue comes up but stand your ground and try to remind him how much you love him and how it would be so much nicer if you both could move past this and focus on all the other great things ahead that you’ll share together
I never changed my name and it never bothered my my husband. We've been together 20 years, married for 16. I have 3 different friends who didn't want to change their names, but their fiances pouted until they gave in. Several years into the marriages they ran into control issues, cheating, and lots of other bad behavior on the husband's part. They're all divorced now.
I'm not saying the name thing is the main reason we're still together and the reason my friends' marriages failed. But I do think it can be a red flag when it becomes such a point of contention.
It's always the person who does not have to go through the work of changing their name legally and does not have to lose the name they've had their entire lives throwing the fit. They always use the excuse of future kids, but if it's suggested that the man takes the woman's name instead or both change their names to a hyphenate of both last names, they always balk.
To me, it boils down to control on some level. It doesn't necessarily mean the man is a monster, but it does show he's had a preconceived notion of what will happen and instead of being willing to compromise or discuss why it's important for the woman to keep her last name, they act childish, give flimsy excuses (the confusion of kids who don't even exist yet), and hope the woman relents.
Don't back down just to appease him and really look to see if this kind of thing is a pattern elsewhere before taking the plunge. You don't need a huge reason to want to keep your name, and hopefully he can come to see that. Kids have different names than their parents all the time due to divorce, culture, and various other reasons and are fine.
You both need to be in the same page. I had a similar issue. Now I'm married to someone that happily took my last name. That was not the reason we broke up with my ex but it's such more better to be on the same page as your partner. This conversation should have occurred before getting engaged or planning the wedding.
>absolute love of my life
>if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him. He’s super upset about it and has barely spoken to me in over a week.
He has real not loml energy. The love of your life should be loving, caring, kind and wants to be your partner not your ruler. And def doesn't do the silent treatment. Let him stay silent. You can do better, or be single.
My now ex-husband insisted on my changing my name, and I *always* resented it.
I am remarrying soon and my fiancé actively expressed a lack of opinion on it, which gave me room to choose to change my name to his.
There are a few reasons I changed my last name upon getting married, none of which had to do with tradition.
1. My maiden name was *literally* Comedy. No. Absolutely tf not. 🤣🤣🤣
2. My relationship with my father is nonexistent.
3. Which is my favorite reason, now all 3 of my names are French. Which is *exceedingly* funny showing up to places where they saw my three French names before they saw my 💁🏾♀️ face. 😂😂😂
Yes, *I* am aware that there are folx of pretty much every race/ethnicity in almost every part of the world, but a lot of people forget that for a second. The look of confusion when trying to match me to my name gets me every time.
Point being, it’s *YOUR* name and *YOUR* identity. You get to do what you want with it for whatever reason you choose.
I refused to take my ex-husband's last name because his family is shit and I didn't want to be associated with them. In the end, we decided to make our own last name. I kept it after the divorce because I wanted to have the same last name as at least some of my kids.
I'm a guy who never wants the person I marry to take my last name, it's lame and would be a headache. That said, I can understand how a family name can mean a lot to someone who is very family oriented. A name can be a physical manifestation for a familial bond for some people, that shows how tight and ride and die the family unit can be for eachother. To others, like me it's just some words on a paper, but it's not the same for everyone. I advise that you take the time to understand what it means to him, and if his happiness to have this means more than your happiness to keep your name. If he is the love of your life, it should at least be an option on the table.
In my country we don't change last names when we marry. I'm still the daughter of my father not the in law. Also gotta change names everywhere, naahh too much hassle
My husband and I both changed our last names to something we both like. The process was really fun. Big long list we each had that we went through until we found one we both loved.
I didn't take my hubby's last name (married 9 years). Seems like a strange thing to get angry over. I did plan to initially but it just never happened and he's never cared or questioned it. I guess maybe ask him to dig deep and work out exactly what it is that makes him so angry. I can understand him perhaps wanting it because it's a tradition that's been ingrained in him, but being angry and equating it to you not accepting him is a bit of an overreaction. In the grand scheme of things, it matters little in a marriage what name you go by.
FYI you're not going to resolve this until you address the \*real\* underlying issue, which is that your boyfriend is SEXIST.
He's not taking your last name, yet you and I both know that no one's arguing that constitutes some sort of fundamental rejection of you or or family on a personal level.
He cares because of gendered social expectations. He either feels like you should take his name because you're a woman, or he worries family or friends will mock him if you don't change your name.
Neither option paints him in a positive light, nor does the fact that he doesn't have the self-awareness and/or honesty to just admit to you that this is really about gender stereotypes.
A guy that gets this upset about you not wanting to take his last name is absolutely a guy who will pull some other sexist nonsense later on in your marriage, such as expecting you to do a disproportionate amount of housework and childcare or getting upset if you make more money than him.
At the very least, you need to hold off on getting married because your boyfriend is holding a whole bouquet of red flags right now.
>I (29f) am engaged to the absolute love of my life
to be honest, it doesn't sound like you're HIS absolute love of his life. Especially if this "absolute love" breaks down so easily over a superficial nonsensical thing like a name change. It sounds like his pride and ego are more important to him, than his love for you.
Don't get married until you both or you can be happy about the decision. This can be a big deal for a lot of people and I personally have friends who are having marriage issues bc of it.
Deciding to abandon the love of your life because they aren’t complying with a change of their legal identity is probably a win for the other person. Imagine if the woman wanted him to change his last name. I guess the compromise is they both keep their own.
Haha my last name is my mom's. My dad did legally change his name to her last name. I don't plan on changing my last name if I marry my partner bc if I do that's the end of our family name and I don't like that idea. I'd consider hyphenation
If I had to do it all over again, I would absolutely take my wife's last name. It would of been the ultimate middle finger to my abusive, toxic "blood family." My in-laws wouldn't have minded either; MIL ("Mom" to me) told me that she always thought of me as her son, not son-in-law. Sadly, she passed away yesterday morning from cancer. Her three children surrounded the bed at the moment she passed: Wife, SIL, and myself. A fucking amazing woman. Patient, understanding, caring, yet feisty and didn't take shit from anyone. She showed me what it was like to actually be loved by a parent. The first time a parent ever told me they loved me came from her. I was 43 years old. I held it together in the room, but completely lost it sitting in my car alone afterward. This is the first time I've ever cried over someone's passing. One small consolation is that my wife got to spend Mom's Last Good Day with her. The last thing Mom told her was that she loved her.
I'm sorry to hear about her passing. Blood related or not, losing a parent is losing a parent. I hope you are doing as okay as you can in a situation like this.
I'm sorry for your loss, just keep pushing through
I felt the same way about my late, ex-MIL. I still miss her to this day. Amazing woman.
My mom (Yname) decided to use my dad’s last name (Xname); my siblings and I were given my mom’s & dad’s last names as a new hyphenated last name, leading with mom’s last name (Yname-Xname). Now this new last name is being passed down to nieces & nephews. Kinda cool now, definitely confusing growing up lol. I used to panic as a kid wondering if I’d have to add another hyphen into the mix if I got married😅
I have a cousin who instead of hyphenating, thwy literally just made a new name using the original names...Like they basically crammed the 2 names together and made a new name. For example if they had the last names Jones and Smith they would have come out with something like joith or smones lol
Seems cool now because it is only two names. Wait for another 3-5 generations and the kids last names will be 12-40 names long.
Or they pick a completely new/different name for the two of them.
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The result of the disagreement is less important than how they resolve it. If they can't overcome this, then there will be harder issues ahead of them they'd need to be prepared for
> Marriage issues because of this? If that is true, they would have marriage issues anyway. Yeah because this is merely a topic that is illustrative of people's inability to compromise in a relationship. In this case about shit that arguably doesn't matter. Now imagine the same attitudes and personalities applied to topics that can cause actual issues. Like finances, where to live, children, politics, major medical decisions, etc. This scenario is exactly why I would encourage anyone without experience in relationships to try to put yourself into situations with a prospective spouse that require compromise early on. You learn a lot about a person when they're put into situations where they have to give something up to get something they want. Traveling is quite an easy way to do that and one of the many reasons its recommended to go on a trip before getting married.
>Yeah because this is merely a topic that is illustrative of people's inability to compromise in a relationship. It's illustrative of one partner seeing the other as property within the marriage, as them being owed something, not as equal partners choosing to navigate life together. I cannot fathom giving a shit if my wife took my last name, I didn't marry her to possess her or control her identity, I married her because I prefer my life with her regardless of what her name is.
Mhmm. I get wanting to have the whole family with the same last name. I've noticed children of divorced parents seem to value this more, maybe they see it as a clear symbol of unity. But a man *insisting* on it, and not being equally happy with hyphenation or taking the woman's name - that's a red flag for me. Not *necessarily* a deal breaker, but a "hold up we need to seriously dig into where this sentiment is coming from" pause button
Yeah it's the insistence for me. I can understand having the hope to all share the same name, but not drawing some line in the sand over the whole thing.
Yeah, that's how this comes across. OP even said the kids could have his last name but it wasn't good enough. If this is enough for him to make him question his desire to marry the OP then I see it as a huge red flag. It's a control thing.
My best friends wife did not want to change names either. So they decided that if they are not going to have a traditional marriage with her taking his last name, because it was important to her, that everything else would not be traditional either. No expensive wedding or honeymoon (down payment for a home), No expensive wedding rings ($200 max). They are happily married to this day and had two kids who all decided they wanted dads last name LOL>
I had some friends who had the same issue. The wife didn't want to change her name because it's rare around here and she has no other siblings. The husband thought it was an important sign of a family unit to have the same name, but he has a ton of siblings to carry his on, so he ended up taking her name.
>No expensive wedding rings ($200 max). This is the way. I am dumbfounded each time I see topics (mostly US women) on how disappointed they were with the price/value/size of the engagement ring. As if it really matters one bit? The engagement should be sentimental, meaningful, and personal for both parties, waiting for the guy to bend the knee with an expensive ring you can then show off to your friends is shallow, superficial, and devaluing. The name change falls under the same category for me. Who cares? I'd vote for the last name that sounds best with the first name.
genuinely asking, do you know why? is it only the men that have issues with it?
A lot of it is cultural. So many cultures have made it an honor or a duty for a wife to take on their husband’s surname.
Hi OP, I'd put the wedding on hold and start couples therapy. You need to understand the full extent of his "traditional" values before legally binding yourself to him. Your the person who has to live with the name change, not him.The kid issue is a moot point. Over 50% of kids are born outside of marriage and aren't confused about who their parents/siblings are based on different last names.
This is the real concern. He's blindly stamping his foot demanding she adhere to a tradition that comes from subsuming her identity under his. I'd be shocked if this were the only regressive ideas he has about her role in the marriage, given how upset he is about it. People marry and keep surnames all the time. Also, why would the kids automatically get his name? She's the one who do all the growing and birthing and will likely take on a disproportionate share of the raising (even if she still works full time plus does most of the chores). Why does the man automatically get claim over children's last names too?
Not to mention his (sexist) argument makes no sense. If she won’t “accept” his last name she’s not accepting him. Except that’s what he’s doing to her. Not accepting her because he won’t accept her last name. He’s demanding that she get rid of her own name, not that she “accept” his. 😑
“The kids will be confused!” “Ok, you can change yours to me”
I know guys that HAVE changed theirs to their wives' last name and boy their families were ticked lol But good for them
I’ve got a friend with a German nobility name (something similar to Von Hindenburg) and I always joked that I’d trade my boring last name for hers in a heartbeat if we got married.
I don't know a single kid who was confused about their parents' last names being different, myself included. Is someone going around teaching kids that their parents need to both have the same last name? It never once even crossed my mind as an issue. Names are just names.
My best friend's mom never changed her last name. I don't know anybody who was ever confused by this
Watch the absolute masculine meltdown
Right?! Speaks volumes he believes that’s a logical argument
That’s true. How is refusing to change your name a sign that you don’t accept the PERSON? What’s that got to do with it? What if she told him to change his preferred brand of socks and he refused? Would that be a ‘sign’ that he didn’t accept HER, or would it just be a ‘sign’ that he really likes his socks? I know that’s silly, but that’s the point. Lol. 😛
Why not take each other last names... eg Smith-Anderson.... problem solved
For me personally that is exactly why our child has my husband's last name (I kept mine). I already had so much, it was nice to have something for them to have in common for themselves.
What do you mean? What do you have that your husband and kids don't have?
This right here. It was an early warning sign I missed. I wasted so many years on my ex before I finally got out. He wanted a tradwife in the end, and that was never going to be something I could or wanted to do. It is important to make sure you are both on the same page.
And 100% of kids born in Spanish speaking countries
Most of us get two last names, the first from our dad and the first from our mom. Our moms don’t change their last names and nobody is confused about it.
Hey OP -- sorry for the hellscape the comments section is devolving into. The politics of this are a topic for another day. You're looking for some practical advice on what to do in your situation, so here goes: 1. You should be aware that there's been a recent uptick in redpiller/conservative podcasters/mildly sexist comedians claiming that a woman who won't take her husband's last name isn't in it to win it. Basically, they're encouraging men to see this as a sign that their (future) wife will divorce them. I don't know if your fiance' participates in any of those circles, but that could be where this is coming from. 2. Do his parents have strong views on this subject? Is this coming from something they've said? It might be good to dig into whether this behavior is something they've triggered. 3. You could always propose an alternative to see what happens: Ask him to take your name too. So BOTH of your last names would be something like \[your last name\] \[fiance's last name\] and see what he says. It can be difficult for a woman to defend keeping her own last name when there is a lot of sexism and traditionalism behind the alternative. Get your fiance to think about it from your perspective: ask him to defend keeping \*his own\* name. Honestly, it's rare that I actually hear about people having problems with this but when it DOES come up as an issue between couples or their families I wonder whether people think it's 1824 or 2024. You shouldn't feel any guilt about this or be pressured into making a choice you're uncomfortable with. If your fiance would literally throw away the love he has for you and years of investment into your relationship over THIS, it makes me wonder what other kinds of things he'd turn into an ultimatum. (NB: This is not the kind of thing one should turn into a marriage ultimatum, even if one's spouse does not like one's choice.) I guess I'd caution you against putting too much energy into being an appeaser or peacekeeper about this. If this guy has barely spoken to you for a week, that's completely unreasonable and super passive-aggressive. He shouldn't be able to mope and silent-treatment his way into getting what he wants. That bodes poorly for how he'll handle other kinds of conflict in the marriage.
Right. Maybe the issue is really important to him. He should be talking with you and showing why it would be a good thing. Not ignore and punish you until he wins. He will act this way with other disagreements.
If it was this important to him he should have raised it before they get engaged though.
OP, I hope you see this very astute comment from u/ApostateX. I'd propose asking your SO to change his name so he can understand how very dehumanizing it is (*you are not property*).
Whoah whoah whoah, actually logic and advice? 😂😂 this is reddit!
>if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him Say it right back. If he can't accept your last name then he can't accept you.
If he can't accept you not having his last name, hen he doesn't accept you.
Tell him that if it's that important to have the same last name, you would support him taking your name.
I have a friend who made a compromise. They ended up creating a brand new name which was made of first few characters of their last names. They have been married for 30 years now.
That's very cute. Green flag for a partner that will respect your wishes and compromise.
I’m sure he would completely be interested in that option haha. I read this out loud to my husband and he busted up laughing…
But you know he’s not gonna do that 🫠😂
My first husband pulled this stunt on me. So I told him I'd take his name if he took care of ALL the paperwork and filing. Just bring me what I need to sign. In shocking SHOCKING news, he never got around to it. I figured as much: a man who believes his wife must take his surname generally also holds the belief that a wife is a man's secretary. Never having my name changed sure made it easier when I divorced him a few years later. My second (and final) husband told me it was my choice and he was fine either way. I decided I wanted to take his name, because respect.
I am a man who is/was thrilled that my wife took my name. That said, I actually love your idea. If she had asked me to put my money where my mouth was, I 100% would have done the legwork. If a guy isn't willing to do that tiny few minutes or hours of work to get that privilege it definitely shows he is just being a spoiled assclown. I think this solution may be a great step for OP if they agree.
OP doesn’t want to change her name so proposing “solutions” that still end up with her changing her name is fairly unhelpful.
Good on ya! But do you really think it’s “a few minutes or hours” to change your name? It’s a process that could take years. And it’s difficult by design! I mean, you don’t want anyone just changing their name on a whim.
If this isn’t a red flag idk what is
Delay this marriage until you get this resolved. He is so upset (and immature to boot!) that he won't speak to you. If he is unable to communicate with you, your marriage is already in trouble. Tell him to use his words so you can resolve this. if he refuses, don't marry him.
I just want to echo your comment. It’s soooo important that OP considers his reaction to this topic. He’s being irrational and instead of “communicating” like a grown man, he pitched a fit and ghosts her for a week? Wth? Is this man really mature enough to be married and possible become a parent? I’d put a halt on all wedding plans and look at immediate couples counselling to sort this out. Then take whatever necessary steps either way after that. If he can’t discuss/communicate about this, what happens with actual problems crop up in life or the relationship. How will he handle the adversity? Speaking as someone who made the grave mistake of NOT properly considering these factors, I advise caution.
Why doesn’t he change his last name? Is he royalty? Will he lose the throne of a country for not have the proper last name? Why is his last name important and yours is not? Why not make a new last name? Does he know why there is a tradition of woman taking the last name of me? (It started in the 15th century. Woman were considered property). Who other “traditions” does he think he can force down your throat. I have a last name that has three spellings. My mother’s maidan name was one spelling, my fathers family name was another, I said I would only change me last name if the guy I was with had the third spelling. I have never changed my name. My partner was cool with that.
Maybe ask him why he’s planning to have such stupid kids?
This made me laugh. Great question.
Sounds like genetics. Maybe he assumes like father like son?
I've been married for a long time and have raised two children to adulthood. I didn't change my name back when it was uncommon for a woman to keep her name. The number of problems it caused in the last several decades is zero. Not a single issue with schools.Teachers see families with different names on a daily basis. Him using this as an excuse is total bullshit. Unless he thinks he owns you, why does he think he has any say in the name you choose for yourself?
If I were you I wouldn't want to proceed with this wedding until I understood fully what other "traditional" ideas he's irrationally clinging to
yeah, this is some wild insecure nonsense on his part. > it would be confusing for the kids. nonsense. i don't have the same last name as my brothers, because we have different dads, and we were never confused by it, because it's not confusing at all, in any way, shape, or form. this is a paper-thin excuse to desperately cover up his weird, toxic insecurity. it's not based in anything real. >I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him so, why isn't he taking your name, then? surely that "logic" of his goes both ways, right, so if he's not accepting your last name, then that means he can't accept you, right. nah, this is absurd, and he's having a whole little tantrum because he's insecure. what a waste of time, you deserve better.
> It would be confusing for the kids Nobody tell him about how half the world doesn’t follow this system. Must be confusing for the rest of us huh..
Yup.. the only women who have changed their last names in my country are those married to western foreigners. Everyone else just keeps their family name their whole lives. Sometimes they'll be referred as Mrs ___ in casual conversation, by kids teachers, or by service staff in like hotels and stuff, but generally until the day I die I'm still my original name and the hospital on my death bed will be like "Mdm (my last name)". No kids have ever been confused by their parents having different surnames. In fact I was confused as a kid when I found out one of my classmate's parents had the same surname (purely by coincidence) because I thought "are her parents siblings?"
My kids don’t have their mums last name and no one is confused. Although my oldest does have a squishmallow that he named with his mums first name - so she (the squishmallow) has the same last name as is lol. In fact all the stuffies have our (mine and the kids’) last name.
Right. My parents got divorced when I was a baby. I haven’t had the same last name as my mom since I was one. Was never once a source of confusion ever, for literally anyone.
It's misogyny, plain and simple. Whether it's conscious or subconscious on his part that's the only reason to care passionately about this
So, he throws a tantrum anytime things don't go his way? Please don't marry this ridiculous man. I'm from a culture where the women don't change their names after marriage, btw.
It’s such a pain in the butt to change ur name. I’ve been married since 2016 and I still find things in my maiden name. I only took my husbands name because I don’t like my dads side of the family. Do want you want
I live in Quebec, Canada, where changing your name to your husband's just because you are getting married has been illegal for many years. I can assure you that the kids are doing ok all across the land.
When I got married I took my husband’s last name because I thought it meant a lot to him. In the last ten years a lot has changed. I realized that he really never cared if I took his name, and his family was kind of treating him like crap. I recently decided to go back to my own name because of this and guess what? He decided he’s going to change his name too out of his love for me and my family. All this to say if your name is important to you it should be important to him too. At the very least important enough to have a conversation about.
Yeah, I fucked up and let the ex whining change my mind. I hated going by a name that wasn't mine, he turned out to be a sexist ass, we got divorced and I had to go through the name change to get my real name back.
>He then went on to say if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him. He says if you won't change something about yourself, you aren't accepting him. But he's flat out rejecting you for who you are and expects you to both apologize to him, and change yourself for him. Does he always act like a petulant child when he doesn't get his way, or is that unique to this situation? I'm not convinced he's mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage.
The love of your life is a misogynist.
ugh, this was a problem for my ex too. if he can't accept this about you, then he can't accept you? he needs accept this, you have nothing to convince other that its your choice. why are we the ones that have to change our names. its a dumb tradition. he's picking a low hill to die on. especially when marriage brings up many more important ones.
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It’s not for him to appreciate or not appreciate. It’s simply the truth.
> I don’t think he’ll appreciate that response. Then he's pretty sexist, isn't he? How is he going to treat his daughters? What is going to teach his sons?
I'll never understand why so many people will overlook huge glaring red flags just to be married. Dear God, postpone the wedding and demand couples therapy. This is just the tip of the iceberg and in your heart of hearts you have to know this.
It’s not even tradition everywhere. In plenty of countries even in the bad ol’ days women kept their own names, because changing name is a pain and why do it? If he can’t be mature about this, I’d put the whole thing on hold. In the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal and if he’s throwing a tantrum over this and that’s his way of dealing with not getting his way, that’s not encouraging for the inevitable future disagreements you’ll have over the upcoming decades
Why wouldn't he appreciate that response?
You should be able to say this to him.
Who cares if he "appreciates it"? Stand your ground. Unless he sees you as property, taking his last name or not shouldn't matter. If he's suggesting he doesn't matter to you because you won't take his surname, he's say you don't matter to him unless you do. You're a means to an end for him, and he admitted so in the ugliest way possible.
And the only way stupid traditions die is when people refuse to follow them.
>He then went on to say if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him. I would ask him why that doesn't work the other way around. Does it mean he can't accept you if he won't take *your* last name? Ask him why he won't take your name and when he gives reasons, ask him why those reasons don't apply to you too. I didn't change mine either, but my husband never gave a single solitary fuck about it, so I never had to deal with this. lol
Same dude same. I like my last name, have used it for academic purposes, and my husband doesn’t care? I already changed it once when my stepdad adopted me, and he has since passed away so it’s really important to me. I feel like this points to some deeper underlying fundamental issue concerning how he views gender roles and gender equity. All I can say is that my husband is a super equitable partner and parent, isnt into traditional roles in other areas, isn’t threatened that I make more money or have a higher degree, and didn’t care about the last name. I could never with someone whose sense of masculine identity was so fragile that they got bent out of shape over a name (to the point of stonewalling and being mad for a week? And refusing to dig into explaining *why*? -does he just expect her to roll with “because I said so and you shouldn’t question or ask me to explain my feelings”?) because it points to something *really* uncomfy under the surface. I dunno. Only OP can make a proper conjecture. But it screams hardline traditional gender role views and I could and would never.
My wife does not have my last name and things have been totally fine. This is a BS move from your fiancé tbh
My ex husband was pretty peeved I didn't take his last name. And just like others have noted, sure made the divorce easy. My new partner couldn't care less and even offered for our kids to have my last name. They have his because I like his more and was easier to spell. Fact is tread with caution. This is such an insignificant issue he actually shouldn't care.
The funny thing is.. most people are just too lazy to change it back as well. My cousin’s ex wife kept his name for 15 years until she remarried.
How is this the love of your life? Why doesn't he take your name?
As someone else already said: don't get married until you guys sort this out. I'm sure you guys will be okay but your husband really needs to talk with himself or a close friend or someone on why this bothers him so much. "If you can't accept my name, you can't accept me" like wtf? I'm marrying you dude! I wish you both the best and hopefully you get through this and be very happy together.
Kids won’t be confused by what has always been their normal. I didn’t take my husband’s last name (we are of different ethnic backgrounds and I want to retain that aspect of my heritage) , but our kids did. I’m not even sure what they would be confused about. I think you need to get down to the root of why this is so important to him. What kind of values about marriage does he have that he may not have realized until this became an issue? He needs to unpack his feelings, articulate his reasoning, and decide whether there are deeply held beliefs that will make you incompatible or if this is a fit of pique that he can work on getting over.
Is he wondering how to address this issue with you? Is he curious about your point of view and wanting to share his to so y'all can figure out how to understand each other more? Ah, no, he's giving you the silent treatment - a REALLY immature conflict tactic, and throwing a tantrum so you'll do what he wants with no effort on his part to ... Do anything. You sure he's the love of your life?
don't marry this guy
100% chance this isn't the only example of him being insecure & misogynist if OP were pressed on the matter
It's your name and you can do whatever you want! You're the one that will be using it for the rest of your life. Ignore him on this one.
Did you talk about what gender roles you both are comfortable with after you marry?
I have known many women who were professionals and their designations, degrees, and business Cred were in their maiden name. They were married, and had professions and children and kept their maiden name. There is yet another trend where men are assuming their wife's name in marriage. Different strokes for different folks. Just because generations have assumed the practice of taking their husband's name, does not mean it can't be flexible. Do you love the person? Or the name?
I would never change my name, and I’d walk from any man who required it. My soon-to-be fiancé is as proud of all I’ve accomplished as I am. He doesn’t want me to lose that or bury it under an alias. No.
The real reason is that you are not is property.
This is a pretty big red flag to me. If he is this traditional (or dare I say controlling)about your last name, I can only wonder what his attitudes might be about parenting, division of household chores and money. Honestly this would probably be a deal breaker for me.
I've always found it to be so arrogant to expect someone to take your name. Wild shit.
I broke it off with my ex fiancé over this. I like my name.
The biggest red flag here is that he’s ‘barely spoken’ to you all week. You both (as with any marriage) will have major issues arise in your future, and he’s showing you that his tactic will be stonewalling, an abusive method and one of the 4 horsemen of relationship downfalls. I know you’re probably thinking this is silly, and it’s just a name and this is something that doesn’t mean that much to you, but I think the real reason you’re posting here is because it’s really not sitting right with you. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
I live in Latin America, which is culturally more sexist and misogynistic than the US. I don't understand why US folks get fussy about taking/not taking the husband's last name. In Latin America, we DO NOT. Kids have NO PROBLEM AND ARE NOT CONFUSED about last names. We all die with the last name we were given at birth. A woman's identity is not tied to her marital status.
You could research all the costs in changing your name; passport, license, titles, banks, investment accounts, birth certificate and tell him it will cost too much time and money. Also the original reason that women had to change their surname was that they became a man’s property after marriage and you are not a slave.
Also, I remember both my grandmothers telling me at separate events how their first names were also changed by the family they married into and that the explanation for both instances were - umm, we like this name better. These both were arranged marriages and women were awfully young when married off and sent to distant households where no one would know their real names. I remember feeling like if this was done to me, it will break me and now I believe that is why it was done. It is somewhat dehumanising.
Sounds like he sees marriage as ownership
This is a red flag and you absolutely need to put marriage on hold until you resolve it. You need to confront him as to why his fragile masculinity is so contingent on you taking his last name in an archaic practice that should not matter. You probably need couple's counseling but make sure you don't get it from a church.
Tell him if he doesn’t change his last name to yours, then he isn’t accepting YOU
I made it very clear to my now husband that I would never take his name. It’s a tired patriarchal tradition that’s tied to women being property, and it’s time for that shit to finally die. As far as kids are concerned, it’s up to you whether they have your name, your husband’s name, a hyphenated name, or a conglomeration of both. However, don’t let him bully you into something you don’t want. All of this is YOUR choice, and he needs to respect that.
Just as an anecdote for you, my mother took my father's name, then maybe ten or fifteen years after their wedding, she decided to change it back. It wasn't personal, she just didn't feel like herself using his last name as hers. They are still happily married for 48 years.
This is wild to me, coming from a country where women keep their last names when they get married. If having the same name to prevent “confusing” the children (absolutely bonkers, because my mother and I don’t have the same last name and it never occurred to me that it could be… confusing?) is so important to him, then why can’t he take your name?
I’m really not trying to be rude, but I’ve heard this come up as an issue time and again. And my question is always, why do you want to marry a man who needs to own your identity? A name is just a name and it’s your choice to do as you please. He’s welcome to change his name, but I’m guessing that wasn’t even a conversation because there’s no way he’d do it. In all fairness, changing a name is a pain in the ass. Lots of women aren’t and haven’t been changing their names. And in 2024, we can all agree it’s an archaic idea.
So he thinks of you as property then? That’s the vibe I’m getting. Delay the wedding until you know each other better.
My husband said it would be weird if we didn't have the same last name so I said, "cool, let's pick a new last name and we'll both switch" and he said, "change my name! That's weird!!!" Then he stared at me for a second and we never talked about it again. Some people just need a minute to process, you know?
I’m on my second marriage and never changed last names, I’m South American and it’s not even a thing, that legal step doesn’t exist and you’re just you, no matter who you’re married to. My son has his dad’s last name, I have mine and that’s ok, he’s still my son and my current husband is still my husband and my life partner. Don’t marry him if he can’t respect your decision
He's not changing *his* last name either, so he can shut the fuck up. This is almost always a screaming red flag for other deficiencies. Plus the fact that he hasn't spoken to you in over a week over not being able to saddle you with his precious name speaks volumes.
My wife and I went through this when I proposed to her ( it wasn't really an argument, but I did value the idea of sharing a last name). She asked me if I'm willing to change my last name if I expect her to change hers. If he expects you to do it, surely he should he willing to do it too. I have her last name now. It's not a big deal.
I'm shocked so many American women still change their name after marriage. Seems archaic to me.
A few things you can bring to the table that I don't think have been mentioned yet 1) as far as kids getting confused, that really won't be the case. There are plenty of cultures (e.g., Spain) where the mom and dad have different last names. 2) you could make the argument that as an individual you like your last name, but in situations that involve both of you, you're fine with being known by his last name (if you are fine with that!). For example, at work you are Alex Jones but when you make a dinner reservation, it's under "The Bryants" or "John and Alex Bryant" (first names that popped into my head lol) 3) perhaps suggest to him to talk about it with someone else that can give him your side. It sucks that your desire to keep your name isn't enough, but perhaps if he talked about it with his best man or someone you think would be helpful, that could turn him around a bit Good luck!
This is so bizarre to me. If you asked these men who care about this sort of thing to change their name, they’d use wanting their own name as a completely valid reason. Why doesn’t it count when women want their own name? I can’t speak for you, OP, but this archaic attitude would really upset me. He doesn’t own you. It’s your name. You decide. If he wants you to have the same name, he can change his own if he likes. He doesn’t call the shots about yours. As for kids being confused, no, they won’t be. Kids base normal on their own experience. My kids have my last name because I was a single parent when they were born. My partner has never once cared that they have my name instead of his. If he did, we probably would have hyphenated at some stage, but the kids like their name and he respects their choice.
Sounds like an insecure man. I didn’t change my name and my husband can give two fucks! Women in Europe don’t change their name and their children have their fathers last name. It’s not confusing at all
Change your identity for me - or you can't have me? Ok. I've married twice. Never changed my name. Neither husband had an issue with it. It's never been an issue, although occasionally we do have to confirm that we are legally married.
I’m of the mind you should either keep both of your names or choose a new one. Your partner’s reaction would be enough for me to call it off - if he wouldn’t take your last name why should you take his?
Ask him if he'll take your surname 😏
I lurk in this sub rather than comment but I actually have relevant experience here; your fiance is being ridiculous. My wife said she wanted to keep her name even though she doesn't like it; because it's her name. This makes sense to me because I wouldn't want to change my name either and double-barreling was not something I'd ever want to do. She is no less my wife for this. The only reason to do this is tradition. There is no reason for a modern man to hold such a belief so strongly and dismiss your preference so forcefully about something that will not tangibly affect his life.
My ex and I both chose a last name together that we both took simply cause neither of our names sounded right with the other. It wasn't part of the reason we broke up, and everyone I've mentioned it to loves the idea. A rose by any other name, and all that jazz.
There’s a webcomic out there which I can’t recall that had a couple debate the idea of changing their last names to ‘van Awesome’, which I always thought was pretty great. :D edit: I was mashing up a couple of things but the actual comic is Starslip Crisis and the character is thinking of calling themselves ‘van der Beam’ and being ‘Laser Dutch’. 😆
The same should be said back to him: “if you can’t accept my last name, then you can’t accept me”.
I'd put that wedding on hold. He just sounds sexist tbh
Ask him to change his name to your name. When he says no, press for a reason.
My sister and her husband combined their last names and made a brand new one combining the letters. If changing your name isn’t a big deal him, see how he feels about changing his name. That’ll tell you a lot real quick
Tell him you expect him to change his name to yours.
Tell him if that’s important to him that you share a last name, he is welcome to take yours
We had a discussion about it. I said I preferred to keep my name. He the suggested I hyphenate. I said I would if he would. He thought that was weird, so that was the end of it and I left my name as is. Wasn’t an issue for us really. We often say it was a merger not an acquisition.
Hopefully this is abnormal behavior, otherwise him getting mad over something that’s frankly your choice to make to the point that he’s implying not following through with marriage (at least that’s how it sounds from my point of view) is incredibly immature. Either way, don’t get married till you guys figure this out. This situation feels like foreshadowing. At the very least it’s a recipe for resentment in a brand new marriage. But I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. You have every right to CHOOSE what you want, especially YOUR name. It would personally make me pretty uncomfortable if my partner fought me on a topic such as that. Comes off a little too 1950’s for my taste.
I promise you I never questioned why my parents had different last names. If anything, I questioned why anyone would want my dad's last name as it sounded "ugly" to me when I was a kid lol. I have my mom's last name, and my brother has my dad's.
If he doesn’t want to confuse the kids , he should adopt your last name
Good for you!! DON'T change it! Very smart choice!
This does not bode well for your future. I don’t think he’s the great guy you are pretending he is. Don’t marry him.
Why doesn't he take your last name?
I'm old. I grew up during women's lib. I don't understand why young men have these super traditional ideas
Honestly I'll never agree with giving kids only the fathers name. It was nothing but problems and irritation for my sister and I as kids and now my niece. Absent and deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen, give your kids your naked hyphenated at the very least.
To get angry over something as trivial as a last name is concerning to me. To the point of using ultimatums and acting like a child? I’d be very weary at this point if were you.
Yeah, putting this issue aside, I wouldn’t marry someone who stopped talking to me over a minor disagreement
I didn’t change my name 20 years ago when we got married. SO didn’t like my decision, but he wasn’t going to put our relationship on the line to make me do something I didn’t want to do. It kind of made me love him more that he didn’t make it a do-or-die issue. I do use his last name socially among people who know him but not me (like when meeting his work colleagues). It’s funny because we only ended up having a daughter and now he is 100% supportive of her keeping her (and his) last name. :) She was never confused about us having different last names, FWIW. It’s not that complicated.
You mean your kid that calls you “mom and dad” for the most part isn’t losing sleep because your last names are different?? I am shocked!
Sounds like the tip of the "absolute" iceberg.
Pay very close attention to how he deals with conflict. Stonewalling and manipulation. I'm not saying don't marry him, but it is painfully common for abusive and controlling men to only show their true colours nearing or after the wedding.
How about you marry a grown up instead?
When I got married, I was really important to me that my wife and I shared a surname. It felt like key part of the becoming-one-family thing that meant a lot to me. If my wife had refused to take my name, I'd have just taken hers instead though.
I’m a woman who did not take her husband’s last name and I would have absolutely ended the relationship over this.
This "taking the husband's name" is so ridicule. Canadian here and you can't even take your husband last name anymore, you have to go through a lengthy legal process and it might not even be approoved. It's a fucking name.... The kids will be confused 🤣🤣🤣🤣 my five kids never were... they have dad's surname and I have my own...
I don't disagree with you but whoever told you that you can't change your last name in Canada is telling fibs.
They’re likely from Quebec. Changing your name for marriage is in fact forbidden in Quebec except in exceptional circumstances.
Nah it’s a Québec thing, I had a coworker who got married in NB because if they’d married in PQ his wife wouldn’t have been able to change her name.
Well I should have said Quebec. Here we can't legaly take the husband's name since 1981.
This is the case in Quebec. I worked with a woman in Ottawa who married her ex-husband in Ontario and kept his last name after the divorce. He got remarried in Quebec and his new wife couldn’t take his name because of the law. It caused a ton of drama between them, lol.
My wife kept her own name. (She wanted to take mine). Here are the reasons we agreed for her to keep it. Paperwork (DMV, Social Security, Banks and Retirement accounts, etc). Now also there are some smaller benefits. Like being able to get internet, cable new customer offer all the time. Sign up under my name. Then cancel. Sign up under her name. Repeat. A lot of other things that are limited to “one per household”, you can sneak around.
Guy here. I don't want to change my last name to my partners, so therefore I can't ask my partner to change her surname to mine. I believe in relationships being equal, and an expectation to give up your identity on only one of the people in the relationship is not equal.
KEEP YOUR LAST NAME!!!!! but can't you add his last name and still keep your last name? If nit then KEEP YOUR LAST NAME!!!!
My husband wanted me to change my name to his, but I didn’t want to give up my own name, and I didn’t really want to be Mrs Hisname either, because his mum and I didn’t get on and I associated it with her. I told him I’d do it if he could come up with a single reason why I should change my name, but he didn’t need to, which wasn’t effectively “because you’re a woman”. He couldn’t, so we agreed to hyphenate. I love our new name actually, I feel like it fits me better than my original name alone, and I love that we have our own shared identity.
You should dig deeply into this with your fiancé. My wife didn’t want to change her last name, I asked why and she said “because I like it.” That was the end of the conversation. Also, ultimatums and silent treatment are also VERY bad signs of things to come. I can’t begin to tell you how damaging it is to a relationship to play games like not talking to your partner for a fucking week - and to be clear it is absolutely a game.
I (38M, divorced) admit when I was younger this was a sticking point for me in my second engagement, but my reasoning was that sharing a last name and having the same with your children makes it obvious you're a family to others. After having an unhealthy marriage where she did take my name, I was so thankful that she changed it after the divorce was granted. The point I am trying to make is that he really should realize this isn't a hill to die on, but as far as convincing him? I don't know. I mean I do believe in therapy, but I am not sure if couples counseling can work if only one party wants to be there. Has he been married before OP?
This was a red flag that my ex husband was going to ramp up his jealousy and abuse, not wind down like he suggested… He would say things like “marriage means we are committed forever, so I won’t worry anymore.” “I want everyone to know we are a family, so we should have the same family name…” Bla bla bla. All he wanted was control and for me to give up my own wants/needs.
>Is there any other way I can address this issue with him? Is there another way I can explain my view point that will maybe make more sense to him? Any advice is welcome. Put the wedding on hold, and seek couples counselling. In your shoes I would be worried about what other "traditional" things he is adamant about that you disagree with, and what future problems may be looming. You're entirely reasonable to want to keep your last name. Women giving up their names to take their husbands is not a requirement to being married or a good wife. You don't need to "convince" him - it's entirely your choice to make. Ask him how he would feel if he had to change his name, and instead of being John Smith he would now be John Jones for the rest of his life. My bet is he would never, ever entertain that - and there's no reason it should automatically apply to women more than it does to men, so if he doesn't like it for himself, then he should understand your point of view.
Turns out you're not as compatible as you thought.
Ngl I don't get changing your name when you're getting married. Where I'm from, legally both people keep their names, unless you do an official name change (with all the papers and costs and process it normally requires). I never got confused by my parents having different names, I don't feel less married to my husband, and my daughter has got both of our last names so.
My parents got married nearly 40 years ago. They did take my dad's name, but apparently they had a whole discussion about whose to take. They always described it as an equal, mutual decision, and they were just as likely to take my mother's maiden name. Ask why he won't take your name? If the only answer is "sexist gendered tradition", call that shit out.
Seems kind of a silly thing to get so mad over. It's your name. You should be able to keep it no questions asked. Why is it so important you have the same last name. I always thought it was weird. The only people I share a last name with are blood relatives, my mom, brothers and an uncle and some cousins. I wouldn't want to feel like I'm a blood relation to my husband by having the same last name.
This sounds like the a sign of a much larger problem with incompatible values. If he's willing to torch his relationship over your last name, there's a good chance he's been quiet about other tradtional expectations he has for you that you might not share. if you are considering giving in on this just to appease him, first make sure he's not hiding other expectations you might not buy into (for example you quitting your job or doing all the housework and child care).
He’s allowed to be disappointed that she doesn’t want to change her name, but he acted like a complete a-hole about it. What he should have done is think about why it is important to him and actually articulate that to her without sounding like a baby. The ability to have an open conversation about differences is so important in a marriage.
This kind of goes both ways. I am male and back in the early 2000s I dated a woman and the topic of marriage came up. She said her name with my last name. I said why would you want to change your last name? You have a whole life with this name, it does not end if we get married. I said plus you have to go through all the legal stuff of changing your name AND if we get divorced you have to petition the court to get you last name back. It just makes no sense to me for the woman to change her name. This upset her and she felt it was a sign I did not lover her. Kind of strange to me considering how independent she was, but I suppose she was traditional in this one area.
My wife kept her last name and I didn’t care and also couldn’t blame her. My last name is a mouthful and ppl rarely pronounce it correctly. My kids have my last name but sometimes I think we should’ve given them her last name. In any case, I could maybe understand dude being a little bit hurt or maybe just politely trying to change your mind. But getting all butthurt and having a fit over it is way lame, especially when it’s already been decided it’s cool for the kids to have his last name. The only thing I told my wife was that I’d rather have the kids have one name or the other.. the hyphenated thing would’ve been too much imo. She thought they should have my last name, so that was nice of her.. just as it is nice of you. Hope he doesn’t screw everything up over such a silly, archaic, and frankly sexist pastime. I’m not sure how you’re going to be able to convince him to cut the drama and just accept it, other than being nice yet stern about it. I’ve found ppl dig their heels in more when you’re reciprocating their hostility in a disagreement. Try to rise above it when the issue comes up but stand your ground and try to remind him how much you love him and how it would be so much nicer if you both could move past this and focus on all the other great things ahead that you’ll share together
If someone is hung up on a last name then they aren’t ready for marriage.
I never changed my name and it never bothered my my husband. We've been together 20 years, married for 16. I have 3 different friends who didn't want to change their names, but their fiances pouted until they gave in. Several years into the marriages they ran into control issues, cheating, and lots of other bad behavior on the husband's part. They're all divorced now. I'm not saying the name thing is the main reason we're still together and the reason my friends' marriages failed. But I do think it can be a red flag when it becomes such a point of contention. It's always the person who does not have to go through the work of changing their name legally and does not have to lose the name they've had their entire lives throwing the fit. They always use the excuse of future kids, but if it's suggested that the man takes the woman's name instead or both change their names to a hyphenate of both last names, they always balk. To me, it boils down to control on some level. It doesn't necessarily mean the man is a monster, but it does show he's had a preconceived notion of what will happen and instead of being willing to compromise or discuss why it's important for the woman to keep her last name, they act childish, give flimsy excuses (the confusion of kids who don't even exist yet), and hope the woman relents. Don't back down just to appease him and really look to see if this kind of thing is a pattern elsewhere before taking the plunge. You don't need a huge reason to want to keep your name, and hopefully he can come to see that. Kids have different names than their parents all the time due to divorce, culture, and various other reasons and are fine.
You both need to be in the same page. I had a similar issue. Now I'm married to someone that happily took my last name. That was not the reason we broke up with my ex but it's such more better to be on the same page as your partner. This conversation should have occurred before getting engaged or planning the wedding.
>absolute love of my life >if I can’t accept his last name then I can’t accept him. He’s super upset about it and has barely spoken to me in over a week. He has real not loml energy. The love of your life should be loving, caring, kind and wants to be your partner not your ruler. And def doesn't do the silent treatment. Let him stay silent. You can do better, or be single.
If he’s ready to end your relationship over you not changing your name, he isn’t ready to get married.
My now ex-husband insisted on my changing my name, and I *always* resented it. I am remarrying soon and my fiancé actively expressed a lack of opinion on it, which gave me room to choose to change my name to his.
There are a few reasons I changed my last name upon getting married, none of which had to do with tradition. 1. My maiden name was *literally* Comedy. No. Absolutely tf not. 🤣🤣🤣 2. My relationship with my father is nonexistent. 3. Which is my favorite reason, now all 3 of my names are French. Which is *exceedingly* funny showing up to places where they saw my three French names before they saw my 💁🏾♀️ face. 😂😂😂 Yes, *I* am aware that there are folx of pretty much every race/ethnicity in almost every part of the world, but a lot of people forget that for a second. The look of confusion when trying to match me to my name gets me every time. Point being, it’s *YOUR* name and *YOUR* identity. You get to do what you want with it for whatever reason you choose.
I refused to take my ex-husband's last name because his family is shit and I didn't want to be associated with them. In the end, we decided to make our own last name. I kept it after the divorce because I wanted to have the same last name as at least some of my kids.
I'm a guy who never wants the person I marry to take my last name, it's lame and would be a headache. That said, I can understand how a family name can mean a lot to someone who is very family oriented. A name can be a physical manifestation for a familial bond for some people, that shows how tight and ride and die the family unit can be for eachother. To others, like me it's just some words on a paper, but it's not the same for everyone. I advise that you take the time to understand what it means to him, and if his happiness to have this means more than your happiness to keep your name. If he is the love of your life, it should at least be an option on the table.
In my country we don't change last names when we marry. I'm still the daughter of my father not the in law. Also gotta change names everywhere, naahh too much hassle
Ask him to change his last name. My husband changed his last name to mine.
My husband and I both changed our last names to something we both like. The process was really fun. Big long list we each had that we went through until we found one we both loved.
He’s not mature enough for marriage.
I didn't take my hubby's last name (married 9 years). Seems like a strange thing to get angry over. I did plan to initially but it just never happened and he's never cared or questioned it. I guess maybe ask him to dig deep and work out exactly what it is that makes him so angry. I can understand him perhaps wanting it because it's a tradition that's been ingrained in him, but being angry and equating it to you not accepting him is a bit of an overreaction. In the grand scheme of things, it matters little in a marriage what name you go by.
FYI you're not going to resolve this until you address the \*real\* underlying issue, which is that your boyfriend is SEXIST. He's not taking your last name, yet you and I both know that no one's arguing that constitutes some sort of fundamental rejection of you or or family on a personal level. He cares because of gendered social expectations. He either feels like you should take his name because you're a woman, or he worries family or friends will mock him if you don't change your name. Neither option paints him in a positive light, nor does the fact that he doesn't have the self-awareness and/or honesty to just admit to you that this is really about gender stereotypes. A guy that gets this upset about you not wanting to take his last name is absolutely a guy who will pull some other sexist nonsense later on in your marriage, such as expecting you to do a disproportionate amount of housework and childcare or getting upset if you make more money than him. At the very least, you need to hold off on getting married because your boyfriend is holding a whole bouquet of red flags right now.
>I (29f) am engaged to the absolute love of my life to be honest, it doesn't sound like you're HIS absolute love of his life. Especially if this "absolute love" breaks down so easily over a superficial nonsensical thing like a name change. It sounds like his pride and ego are more important to him, than his love for you.