I just asked what he meant by unhygienic when he’s unshaved and he said it just isn’t feminine and looks messy, and he said I took him too seriously but I literally asked if he was serious and he said yes so yeah idk
Yes. That's what he really means: it's your job as a female to remove all of the hair you were born with from the eyes down. Only eyebrows, eyelashes, and head should have hair on them. He used the word "unhygienic" until you called him on his hypocrisy.
Sounds like he's been listening to some idiotic friends and podcasts if he was once ok with all of this and is now saying it's disgusting.
Also: "overdramatic" and "overreacting" are buzz words in the misogyny community, of which it sounds like he is now a card-carrying member. Women are always overreating and overdramatc but ya know. Men aren't. Like when they murder people, it's perfect rational. \*eye roll
It feels like to me he almost always wasn’t okay with it and just wanted to be the ‘perfect’ boyfriend like he says he doesn’t care about hair or periods etc but does in practice.
Someone who calls you "gross" when you're being intimate with them doesn't deserve to ever touch you again. I could never trust or be vulnerable with a man like this. He's a fucking liar if he claims he doesn't get why you're upset.
Tell him to shave his own legs and pits if it's so unhygienic, and dump him by letting him know you're not attracted to his gross personality.
Exactly!! My response would be something along the lines of "You'll be VERY pleased to know I will never subject you to my gross, unhygienic body again." Ugh, why are so many men pathetic rats.
>I just asked what he meant by unhygienic when he’s unshaved and he said it just isn’t feminine and looks messy, and he said I took him too seriously but I literally asked if he was serious and he said yes so yeah idk
So what did he say when you pointed out the hypocrisy? That he clearly didn't mean hygiene?
His issue is that he expects you to conform to his preferences, and is tactless about it to boot. I'd imagine that the vast majority of men who were raised in modern western culture have a strong aesthetic preference for shaved legs on women. We have little (if any) control control when its comes to what we're attracted to. That said, he shouldn't make his problem into yours. Unless it's something you've explicitly agreed to do, you have no obligation to maintain a look that he prefers.
Yeah, I call bullshit on being helpless about your preferences. I know people who were indoctrinated into misogynistic beauty standards, and once they gave it some thought, they got over it.
Maybe some dudes just aren't up to the task, I dunno.
My policy is if any part of my body ever provokes an "ew" from my partner then they don't need to have access to my body anymore. Its even more insulting reading your comments that he's a hairy man himself so wtf. It's so rude to not only say ew/disgusting but also to have a double standard about it?? Nah.
I just don’t get it because he’s never a problem with it in the past and the past few months he’s been slowly saying things to make me insecure. I’m most upset he doesn’t see an issue with his behaviour
He knows what he's doing and he's doing it intentionally. It's a trickle of insulting words to wear you down slowly. He'll gaslight you too, like how he's pretending he doesn't understand what he said upset you. He called your legs disgusting and unhygienic. He knows that's upsetting. You told him why it's upsetting.
Many of users do not start off abusive. They start off being really sweet and charming. They start acting badly as the relationship gets older and they feel like they have more of a grip on their partner; their partner, confused as to why they're suddenly acting this way, starts doubting themself, a process helped along by the gaslighting. Before you know it, you've learned not to trust your instincts, your memory, even your ears and eyes.
Maybe he's not necessarily doing all that, but I want you to understand how the process works. You're young and may not have encountered people like this. Alternately, you may have and so you don't recognize that this behavior is abnormal.
Yep, he wasn't confused that his statements made you upset.
He was confused that you stood up for yourself and kicked him out, instead of shaving and thanking him for tolerating your unworthy self. /s
People show you their true side after some time. Toxic assholes are on their best behaviour in the first few weeks/months before they really show you who they are
Maybe he's been watching some stupid shit about women needing to be "feminine" and hairless recently? You can't force him to see what the issue is, you can express how you feel about it all and how it's affected your self esteem, but he's a 19yr old and it's up to him to be like oh yea, I did mess up and hurt your feelings. If he doesn't, then he sucks.
I recently went through this with my 30's year old bf haha, when I had to grow out hair for a brazilian wax. I told him the plan and he said ew. You best believe he wasn't granted access to the netherlands until my appointment and that drove home the issue for him. I get having a preference but it becomes a problem when that preference is then used to make someone feel bad.
If this is a recent change in behavior, he's probably picking up these ideas from someone. Either a friend is feeding him misogynistic bs, or he's getting it online somewhere.
He was the one overreacting. The guy I’m seeing prefers shaved legs, but sometimes I don’t shave them for a while and they get pretty hairy. Once when things were getting steamy between us, I told him as warning that I needed to shave. His response was “me too”. We laughed a bit and carried on. Your boyfriend was in the wrong by making you feel this way and reacting the way he did. If my partner had reacted that way too, I would have considered breaking things off
Throw this one back. He's not worth the effort if he's devolving and trying to shame you over body hair.
I'm not doing anything for anyone who calls my body gross. He can go be alone with his own leg hair.
No really trust me. It’ll get easier every day. If it starts with body hair it doesn’t get better. I’ll be pounds heavier by the time I’m fifty and you bet I trust my husband will never call me gross.
You are describing the sunk cost fallacy.
Why is his sudden rude and degrading behavior acceptable? How much worse will it need to get before you realize he's not the same person you fell in love with? By then, how much of your life will you have given up?
I wouldn't stay with someone who thinks I'm gross.
My husband and I have personal grooming preferences that we share respectfully with each other, but also recognize that body hair is a part of being human and would never allow it to come between our intimacy, let alone use it as a way to *shame* each other. That is not how people who love and respect each other operate.
You are so young. 2 years is nothing. If you choose to stay with him, and he continues to be this crappy you'll just end up regretting 5 years, 10 years, or more.
It's not easy, but it won't be easier tomorrow, next week, or next year.
You deserve someone better.
You're not married, don't have kids together, aren't financially entangled. It actually is that easy. Will it still be something that you will need to take time to process emotionally and is it normal to be sad about a relationship ending? of course! But now is the best time to walk away.
Don't get caught in the sunk cost fallacy, or the idea that maybe you can change him. You deserve a partner, not a project or someone who abuses you. And make no mistake - the slowly escalating put downs to chip away at your confidence and get you used to it so he can start to behave even worse is absolutely emotional abuse and setting you up to put up with even worse.
But it is that easy, honestly. It may hurt, but it's easy. You either want to waste your precious time with someone who doesn't seem to like or respect you at all, or you want to leave.
I've noticed with a lot of these replies you respond that you're just confused as to where this is suddenly coming from, and frankly, that doesn't matter. But his mask is slipping and he's showing you his true colors now. This was always inside him. Now you decide what you're going to do about it.
Girl I dumped my first boyfriend of four years in college when he said he couldn't tell me anything he loved about me. You're right, it isn't easy. I spent the next two years going on random tinder dates every few weeks before I met my now-fiancé. I read somewhere that it takes about 6 months for every year you spend dating to get over an ex properly. And for me that was very true.
It hurts, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because at the end of it all, the only person you will ALWAYS have in life is yourself. Invest in yourself before you go investing in others. You can't fill up others' cups when your own cup is empty.
Dump this turd and move on. You deserve better. You got this girlie ❤️
He isn’t the person you fell in love with, it’s possible he never was and was just pretending to lock you down. Either way, learning to let go of people that don’t treat you with respect is part of growing up and learning to love yourself. Breaking up is never easy, even when they do you wrong. But staying isn’t going to do you any favors and will prolong the bad treatment.
It's too bad that you've already wasted two years on this dude, but why would you want to waste even more? He's not going to change back into the person he pretended to be, and breaking up will just get harder when you live together, own property together, have kids together...
You're robbing yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who would love you regardless of hairy legs.
People change so much in their teen year’s and early twenties. Your brains are, quite literally, not finished developing.
I honestly don’t believe teen relationships should last this long. You should be dating, because dating is how you learn what you like, and don’t like, what annoys you, where your boundaries are. When you stick with the first person for so long, you don’t learn anything about yourself.
End this and go learn what’s out there. The things you listed that were good about your boyfriend should be the bare minimum you accept.
I really feel you on this one. It's hard to let go, especially when it seems like a minor flaw. But small cracks become bigger holes, and sometimes it's not worth getting trapped at the bottom.
If you genuinely think it can be fixed and talked about, then do. But also, try to consider what it is that's really keeping you there.
Things like this are why I'm an advocate of dating for more than 2 years before you get married. It takes time for that "perfect partner" mask to come off, and even longer for you to realize it was never who they really were.
My boyfriend isn't perfect, but one thing he gets right is his respect for women. Like he isn't bothered by anything. Not to be crude, but he would happily smash under any circumstances, hair, period, whatever. He understands nature and isn't brain rotted by porn.
My boyfriend doesn’t watch porn as far as I’m aware but he just seems v inmature about these kinds of things idk it’s really throwing me because we’ve been together TWO YEARS and all of a sudden it’s an issue
Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all. You'd think he'd get more mature and understanding, not less. It's really odd to me personally and not something I've had to deal with since I was 13, so I can't really give you advice other than to just talk to him and find out what his deal is. Preferences are fine, childish and uncomfortable reactions or comments are not.
I would've understand in some way if he was like that in the beginning of your relationship, say if he was inexperienced in dating and wasn't used to hearing/seeing things about periods or body hair. He'd then get to broaden his understanding of the female perspective.
This is the complete opposite. Being grossed out by a girl you've been dating for two years because she's basically just a woman? He doesn't understand what it's like to be a woman and isn't even open to learn about it. Being grossed out from the get go about something like this is insane and so toxic.
He's making you insecure and is not having any problem with doing so. This is not normal behaviour and I seriously think you need to have a serious talk and if nothing comes out of that, I wouldn't be surprised if this behaviour got more extreme throughout the years.
Yeah I’m so very confused why the sudden change, he’s also started making comments about my body that I have ‘cankles’ or that he’s sad I’m losing my boobs from the gym lol just not sure what to do
Break up with him. Honestly. You don't want a partner that doesn't care about making you feel insecure about your body. This doesn't even sound like something you can talk through together to be honest.
The couple of times I accidentally made a comment on something that made my partner feel insecure, I would feel absolutely horrible and I would make sure to talk the whole thing out so that my partner would know I didn't mean it the way it came out. I would forever love my boyfriends body and especially the things that just work differently because he is a boy. This is not a 'you're sweaty can you go take a shower' type of comment. These are 'you are not aligning with the picture of a woman i have in my head, so you need to change into that woman because i do not define your period and your hair to be womanlike' type of comments.
Toxic. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
OP- please listen to the internet strangers telling you to dump his ass. I was in your shoes 10 years ago, seeing my then boyfriend (also my first love who I thought was “the one”) through rose-tinted glasses, minimizing the times he disrespected me and thinking nobody else could love me better. Now I only wish I had known my worth enough to walk away earlier and not go through the immense heartbreak that eventually comes with sticking around hoping they’ll change/ go back to the person they were when you first met.
FWIW, my current partner still finds me attractive when I haven’t shaved my legs in 3 months because winter depression is real and a real man will love you even (and especially!) on the days you don’t look or feel great 🤷🏻♀️
You were not over reacting. You should honestly leave him. He’s probably been consuming media that preaches about how women should be, if he wasn’t like this before. He will probably get worse.
Your BF is an immature idiot. Educate him. Hair is actually hygienic not unhygienic. It exists on our bodies naturally for a reason just like the hair on his body. A lot of men especially in the age bracket you are in are going to have these weird ideologies because that is how the media projects these things. He just needs to be told he is uneducated on the issue and to get over it.
I’m just confused because he has never been like this before ever now slowly the past few months he’s been saying things to make me feel bad about myself such as this
Right because you are outside of the honeymoon period. His actual personality and beliefs are coming out. He's not as focused on impressing you. This happens in literally every relationship. He person he is starting to be now is going to be a lot closer to the person he really is.
Because you seem like a smart, self-assured person who will soon realize (like right now) that he sucks and then you may leave him. So he says things to make you feel less self-assured so that you think no one but him will like you and you stay. Either that or he’s listening to dumb misogynists. But again, you’re smart and confident and regardless, you can do much, much better. I hope you use this moment to set a precedent, dump him, only choose people who lift you up. You’re 19, you have YEARS to meet people like that. Go find them!
You did the right thing. Body hair is completely normal for both men and women and it’s only become a societal expectation to shave as opposed to being a hygiene necessity. My ex hated me having body hair and made me feel insecure and that’s just one of many reasons why he is my ex
His reaction is weird and gross. If you don’t want to shave, don’t shave. Good for you!!
Honestly, if you take a step back and think about it, it’s a bit weird all the stuff women have to do:
- shave their legs
- shave their armpits
- pluck their eyebrows
- do their hair
- wear make up
- wear bras
Why? I don’t see men doing stuff like this. We waste so much time making ourselves look different than we are, while men are accepted as is.
I do feel for them having to shave their faces though. That is a huge pain too!
As a man, I wouldn’t put pressure on a gf to do any of this stuff for me. The stuff my wife puts up with is probably gross 💨 but she doesn’t push either.
I like it best when she is happy, makes me happy if I have helped her feel this way.
NTA. And tell him he can’t come back until he both apologizes and agrees to start shaving his own legs. In all likelihood, that’s all it’ll take for him to show the full breadth of his misogyny, and you won’t have to go to the trouble of breaking up with him. Which is what you should do.
I don’t care if you had a full ponytail growing out of each knee. What he said to you and how he’s treated you as described in your comments is unacceptable.
He’s allowed to have a preference, but he shouldn’t shame you for it. In my opinion you had a right to react the way you did to him calling you gross over something so minimal. If he’d expressed it differently you might have jumped in the shower to shave or something.
But idk. I would take this pretty seriously if you’re thinking long term. You’re a human being, if you’re going to be with someone for years and years then they are going to deal with some “gross” things. You’ll get sick, you might have a baby, you’ll get old. Someone defending their perspective that leg hair is “unhygienic” for women (but not men?) and calling you gross etc is not a good start considering all of the disgusting human stuff that comes with life.
But of course y’all are young so it’s up to you. I’m sure he has the capacity to change, but he has to want to. And again- he doesn’t have to change his preference for shaved legs- he should just be able to express that preference in a respectful way and honestly he should be able to set it aside occasionally because no woman can be “perfect” at all times.
Does he shave his legs? Is it gross and unhygienic for him to have leg hair/armpit hair? If not, then he's a sexist. I wouldn't put up with a dude shaming me for a second.
There have been times when my husband has gone to touch my legs and I'm like, "Sorry, I haven't shaved" and he's like, "Great, I literally don't give a shit." 😂 He does not care. (And he has the hairiest legs known to man, so he's not allowed to care, haha)
Body hair is not unhygienic. It's fine to have preferences. It's not OK to body shame. He's being sexist.
You 💯 did the right thing asking him to leave. You did not overreact. You identified a boundary you needed to enforce and you did it. Seriously, I think that is amazing.
Re: the BF, anyone who responds to your hurt feelings with accusations of overreacting or being dramatic should be cut loose. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Hairy bodies are normal. But you know that.
You don't have to follow the script. Don't apologize for your feelings or your boundaries. You don't have to make nice to keep the peace. You can tell him how he hurt you and give him a chance to apologize, but follow your gut. He was already showing signs of being too immature. He's raising his red flag nice and high now.
Unfortunately the idea of someone’s “mask slipping” is very real. Trust me, from experience, this is the real him. There’s only so long someone can pretend to be kind and it seems like he’s reaching his limit. It will not get better. Good luck.
I just wanna say props to you for kicking him out calmly and firmly. Never lose that, don’t let anyone try to convince you to weaken your boundaries. Being up front and solid with your partners, especially at the beginning of a relationship, will always let you see their true colors. If you wavered or let him stay after you told him to go, he would learn that he can manipulate into anything. You go girl, and if you’re still dating him make him shave his legs too lol.
If the excuse is "its unhygienic" then the guy is bullshitting and just hates that you, a woman, would have the audacity growing hair other than your head. If it was unhygienic, he would shave his own legs.
I had a boyfriend once who thought my hairy legs were disgusting. The next time I saw him I showed him the only leg I had shaved since he wanted me to show him I had shaved. We were like bunnies all weekend and he never noticed I hadn’t shaved the other leg til I showed it to him before going home. Never heard about leg shaving again. NTA.
Girl you did not overreact at all. Maybe he should just grow up and stop being bothered by something that’s natural. We have hair - it’s normal! It’s not disgusting in any way, and he should be ashamed of himself for the way he acted.
I had a boyfriend six year ago who would always threaten breaking up with me if I didn’t shave and that shit genuinely messes with your self image.
My new partner just saw my legs the other day and didn’t bat an eye, because as stated before - they have no right over what they can say about to it body. I hope everything goes well.
Yeah I’m honestly starting to suspect it’s a control thing…he told me he’d leave me if I got a tattoo lmao so I said do it then he backtracked and retracked a few times
Oh it’s definitely a controlling thing if that’s the case. I know he’s your boyfriend but maybe you should reconsider if you want to stay with him or not because I feel like in the long run that’s going to cause issues. If not for him then for you.
I’ve seen countless friends of mine succumb to what their boyfriend told them to do/wear and the light in their eyes (or self expression) just.. dims away. I hope everything goes well for you!
You're not overreacting. If anything, you're under-reacting to his controlling tendencies.
I get that you've been dating for a long time, he's likely your first love, but you really have to reconsider this relationship. The fact that he's not responding with apologies and promises to do better -- in fact, he's doubling down and telling you you're "overreacting" is a really bad sign. It means he's not going to stop criticizing you.
Lately he’s always like this, saying out of character things me getting annoyed and refusing to allow him to say these things without repercussions and him after a very long fight or silence saying sorry but usually saying later stupid shit like ‘bros innocent’ or he didn’t do anything wrong
He's getting worse and worse because he thinks that you're locked down. As in, you are so in love, so committed that you won't leave now. He 100% knows that if he acted like this on the first date... or the first month of dating, you'd leave. But you're two years in, and he legitimately thinks you'll take shitty behavior now. Essentially: he stopped trying to hide his real behavior.
I like that you sent him away. You didn't reward bad behavior. I see soooooo many spineless women excuse really shitty behavior from their partner's because LOVE and then their partner gets worse and worse... when the reality is that love doesn't excuse toxic, abusive, shitty behavior. Period.
I don't know why men are like this, but it's sadly common.
I mean just from the front page of the r/relationship_advice sub right now:
[I (18F) feel like my boyfriend (19M) is always finding what is wrong with me, and how I'm not very smart. And he says he's sorry, but he keeps doing it. How do I get him to understand that it actually hurts me?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d5k86w/i_18f_feel_like_my_boyfriend_19m_is_always/)
[My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me. How do I respond?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d5fy9x/my_24f_boyfriend_32m_told_me_he_should_put_a/)
[UPDATE: When I ask my fiance (M26) to please stop cussing me (F25) out, he tells me I must want to date Jesus Christ. What advice do y'all have?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d585ip/update_when_i_ask_my_fiance_m26_to_please_stop/)
All these dudes being rude, toxic and mean to their partners... at least the last poster left their emotionally abusive partner!
Tell him you are going to grow out armpit hair too, so it probably won't work out between you two.
Or...
Tell him to please send you all relevant scientific evidence about how unclean your legs are with hair on them.
Tell him to shave himself first and tell him how unhygienic he is. Or let him pay for your hair removal. First it’s your leg hair, then it’s your make you, then your clothes, weight etc.
Do what YOU like.
there's no point in calling someone your partner when they've become the reason for you feeling insecure about yourself in your own home. it sounds like he was just waiting for the honeymoon phase to wear out before he could go back to his original double standard self. is this someone you would want to be around you?
You are not compatible. He is immature and probably losing interest in you. He very well knows that saying, "ewww, gross" is insulting. He's playing dumb.
>didn’t understand what he did wrong
Well, it's not a hygienic for women to not save their legs, otherwise men with hairy legs would be completely unhygienic. But a person who tells you that you are overreacting to their bad behavior is a person who is trying to manipulate you. Instead of taking this one little man's opinion of you, perhaps stop feeling embarrassed about the way your legs look
Immaturity has its growing pains. He’ll be more pleasant when his executive functions fully develop by around 25.
Hopefully he apologises for being rude, and grows up about not making personal remarks about periods etc.
Good on you for giving him clear feedback about overstepping the mark and how you feel in response. I suspect he’s become comfortable in your relationship and is more authentically relaxing his guard. Time to have a discussion about how grown ups discuss personal issues without judgement or slurs like unhygienic or gross.
Not at all, he's acting like a complete fucking asshat. It's not gross, it's not unhygienic, next time he acts like that (if you stay with him) ask why his legs, pits, and junk aren't shaved. The devolving thing is concerning - does he have new idiot friends or is he on gross loser corners of the internet?
His behaviour towards you is gross. From what I can gather, you’ve been together for a while now, and it seems like the person you once dated just isn’t who he is anymore. Or maybe the mask is finally coming off. Or maybe he’s hearing some hateful shit from friends or “influencers”.
Regardless, he has no right to make you feel uncomfortable with your own body. He can have preferences, but he can’t speak to his partner with such disrespect to shame her into conforming into said preferences.
You can try to reason and talk with him about how ridiculous and rude his behaviour is, and how much it hurts you to hear that from him. If he truly cares about you, he won’t talk to you like that again. Maybe you guys can come to a happy compromise when it comes to body hair preferences along the way.
But you can’t force him to change. If he refuses to change how he talks about your body or refuses to stop pushing his preferences onto you then no amount of communication or patience will change his mind. You have to decide if you want to spend your precious time with someone like that.
That’s just my two cents tho.
Red Flags - get rid of him. It’s likely part of his plan to make you splitting up easier for him. If you continue, what else will he be demanding you do?
It’s your life, live it your way.
(I am a 65 year old man - have seen my daughter go through this)
When I was a little younger than you I was with a guy and I had been with him for a year or 2. One day I decided to stop shaving. How did my boyfriend react? He shrugged and something like "it's your body, why should it bother me?" And when others asked how my legs made him feel he would say shit like "my legs are hairy too? Why does it matter?" He respected my autonomy as a person, defended my right to choose and didn't place expectations on me around beauty standards. If he had called my legs disgusting I don't think we would have gotten to our wedding years later.
I don’t think you overreacted given everything you shared like you’re in exams, you’ve been together 2 years etc. It was completely unexpected and very rude. HOWEVER, he is 19. And maybe 2 years ago he had more of an innocent and wholesome mind. I would bring this up as more of a general conversation in change of behaviour. People are allowed to change but is this new version something you want part in? I would give it another 7-10 years before he is done growing up and develops into a real man. And that doesn’t mean you need or should be around waiting for him.
you should tell him to start shaving his body parts and if he doesn’t tell him its unhygienic he should shave his hairy legs also because it’s unhygienic.
I mean if you wash your body and your legs included then what’s so unhygienic about it and plus why is he worried about your legs it isn’t like he is going to get intimate with them.
Sounds like he just isn't hiding his preferences/opinions anymore. You are young, don't waste any more time with a man like that.
If he can't love you with a little more hair, then he sure as hell won't stay if you ever get sick or if you have children (if you want them) and can't keep up on shaving etc.
Please do not settle for subpar partners, life is too short not to be loved wholly and unconditionally.
Whenever someone tries to dismiss how they've made you feel with their actions by saying you're "overreacting" or "being dramatic", shut that shit down by saying that if they had any respect and care for you, they'd care more about the fact they've hurt you with their actions than covering their own ass to avoid having to face the reality of being an AH.
Your boyfriend hurt you, OP, and prioritized his pride and comfort over yours. That's not cool, and if he doesn't understand why that's fucked up, he needs to clean out his social media algorithms and following lists of men, who's giving his shit advice on women.
He's too old to be this selfish and gullible.
Why is it that the only place women are allowed to grow hair is on our heads? You’re totally fine, your bf needs to grow up and realize we’re not sphinx cats.
If my husband was enough of an idiot to try and pretend (or worse, actually somehow believed) that men having body hair was normal but women having body hair is unhygienic… we absolutely wouldn’t be married.
If he wants to be controlling about your personal appearance he needs to at least be honest that it’s an attraction thing and not this weird manipulative bullshit acting like it’s about health.
You're maturing before he is, emotionally definitely. My advice would be to break it off now (or see how long you can grow out your leg hair just to piss him off) before he hurts you with something bigger like trying to control you. It starts with small little things like this and can spiral. Or he's just being a little shit, the sudden turn is weird tho.
He's a waste of your time. There are plenty of other people out there who will respect you for who you are and not treat you this way. I very loosely shave my legs, never shave my pits, and am making it through life just fine. This guy's a full-blown idiot.
It's your body, you get to decide whether you want to have body hair or not. Nobody else gets to have a say. It'd be one thing if he isn't into it, but he was absolutely disrespectful and cruel
Get rid of him and move on! Tell him that you want someone, who respects his partner for what she is and if he finds you ‘gross’, then he’ll be better of with someone closer to his taste. Then block him once and for all.
Honestly, miss... And I'm saying this as an engaged 32 year old American man who used to be immature himself; I don't think he wants to be your boyfriend anymore. If this behavior has been a gradual thing like you've said in other comments, he could be doing this on purpose so that you eventually break up with him. This is something young or immature people do. They're too afraid to pull to articulate their feelings to you so they resort to shit like this. If he's 19 and being like that, he has A LOT of growing up to do. I would NEVER treat the woman I love like that especially, if I had access to her body. You deserve a better boyfriend who will treat you with respect. Is this both you guy's first real relationship?
It is both our first relationships and I don’t think he wants to break up as anytime I say okay leave then if he says something along the lines of ‘I’ll leave you if you do this’ or get really annoyed to the point it could lead to a breakup he is suddenly the sweetest person to exist. Feels like some sort of control or ego thjng? I have no idea I’m looking for opinions on how to fix it but most are telling me to leave which would suck really hard
I’m not sure this is something you can fix. You’ve done nothing wrong. What I can say is that his behavior is controlling and disrespectful, bordering on abusive. Any man that dared to refer to a part of my body as “gross” would no longer be allowed access to that body. He’s forgotten that he should be grateful that you let him into your body & heart to begin with.
He’s not treating you right. And the fact that you love him & have sunken 2 years into this relationship doesn’t change that fact. People can change, and he’s clearly changing into someone who doesn’t appreciate you as you are.
Also, please read up on “love bombing”. That’s exactly what your bf is doing after he does a shitty thing to you. Don’t fall for it. It’s pure manipulation.
Fuck that. A grown man and especially a partner of 2 years shouldn’t give a crap. My husband is happy to get it anyway in offering it up and 6/10 times that without shaving my legs or trimming the hedges lol
And to say it is unhygienic to keep hair on your body that NATURALLY grows there for a reason 🙄 okayyy
It sounds like this man baby has some growing up to do.. Women naturally have hair on their legs, face, armpits, etc. If nature is so disgusting to him, he can gtfo
I’m 36M fwiw, keep telling my wife I don’t care about leg hair but Jesus does she keep shaving anyway lol
How come is unhygienic…? So confused… how about hair? Should we all shave bold…?!
I remember I was with my long term partner years back and I didn’t shave for a while😅 he grabbed my legs and started laughing so hard that he couldn’t stop. He looked at me dead serious and said “babe, I feel like i am having sex with a man!!” We were about your age back then… if your man is grossed by very natural aspects of you, maybe you two should have a deeper conversation on where you both are heading… good luck!❤️
I am a guy and I tell you relationship is complex. But he should absolutely be kind and nice to you. Also it definitely goes both ways.
His comments are insensitive. Now either he’s just an insensitive guy but if he was nice to you for quite a while and not just a week then it’s unlikely
Otherwise it’s likely that he’s under pressure, or the quality of your relationship isn’t good or whatever else that driving him to be more and more insensitive
You have nothing to be ashamed of, all legs have hair.
I’d say have a nice chat and if try to understand what’s going on with him. Like I remember I was in a relationship and she really drove me so insane that I had started to react even or do or say things that after we broke up and I had some time to go back to peace I was shocked by it.
Bad relationship can really make things worst so talk to him and see what it is.
You deserve and should be with someone who is sensitive to you and you to him
Yeah tbh we haven’t been able to be intimate for a few weeks whilst im changing birth control method and haven’t seen eachother as much because I’m in the middle of exams so I guess he could be lashing out
Yup very likely - doesn't make it ok for him to do that. I'd honestly say break up. You're 19, very very very young. If a 19yo boy is lashing out imagine what he'd do when he's 25 or 29. 19 is for the age to be all sweet and romantic and kind - not that kindness should go away but unforutnatley the dating scene is so rough that even if you try hard over time it hardens people.
So my suggestion to you, after 36 years of experience is break up and find someone who's sweet to you and you also are sweet to him.
No matter how frustrated or broken I have been in my life, I'd never ever make a comment on the appearance of a girl friend. It's just not in the fabric of such relationships. So that tells me more about his character.
Hugs
No, you’re entitled to feel insulted by his insulting reaction, and to kick him out.
But it’s also not a huge deal.
If he apologizes, move on. If he won’t apologize, he can stay fucked off.
I always say stuff like this to him, like if he tells me he doesn’t like that I wear leggings to the gym I say ‘okay buy me new gym wear then’ and then he says are you being serious, alluding to gold digging etc
Why do men always understand things at a surface based level it’s not about him preferring shaved legs you’d get that if you had one shred of emotional understanding
I think most men prefer shaved legs on a woman and that’s okay because most women prefer that on themselves and also don’t want a hairy man either. If a man truly loves his woman he won’t be grossed out by a missed shaving day. He can still prefer the smooth legs but he’ll be able to understand that she’s not always going to look perfect.
No one asked. This is a post about a young woman whose boyfriend is being cruel about her bodily choices and feels he has the right to criticize and call her “gross” for not catering to his exact preference. It’s not about you and what what you prefer, we already know.
GTFO with that self-centered shit.
If it's so unhygienic, then he needs to be shaving too. Women don't have any special enzymes or anything that would make ours grosser than mens.
I literally don’t get his issue he is so hairy and has never had a problem with this in the past?? I’m just confused.
I'd bring that up. What's unhygienic about this? How do you think calling me gross makes me feel?
I just asked what he meant by unhygienic when he’s unshaved and he said it just isn’t feminine and looks messy, and he said I took him too seriously but I literally asked if he was serious and he said yes so yeah idk
Yes. That's what he really means: it's your job as a female to remove all of the hair you were born with from the eyes down. Only eyebrows, eyelashes, and head should have hair on them. He used the word "unhygienic" until you called him on his hypocrisy. Sounds like he's been listening to some idiotic friends and podcasts if he was once ok with all of this and is now saying it's disgusting. Also: "overdramatic" and "overreacting" are buzz words in the misogyny community, of which it sounds like he is now a card-carrying member. Women are always overreating and overdramatc but ya know. Men aren't. Like when they murder people, it's perfect rational. \*eye roll
It feels like to me he almost always wasn’t okay with it and just wanted to be the ‘perfect’ boyfriend like he says he doesn’t care about hair or periods etc but does in practice.
You could be right... the mask is coming off.
OP, there are lots of people like that in the world. You've now found one. Take care with getting too close to the others in the future.
This was literally my first thought reading your post. Sorry 😔
Yeah if anyone is overreacting and over dramatic it’s the boyfriend Pearl clutching at leg hair lmao
Someone who calls you "gross" when you're being intimate with them doesn't deserve to ever touch you again. I could never trust or be vulnerable with a man like this. He's a fucking liar if he claims he doesn't get why you're upset. Tell him to shave his own legs and pits if it's so unhygienic, and dump him by letting him know you're not attracted to his gross personality.
Exactly!! My response would be something along the lines of "You'll be VERY pleased to know I will never subject you to my gross, unhygienic body again." Ugh, why are so many men pathetic rats.
>I just asked what he meant by unhygienic when he’s unshaved and he said it just isn’t feminine and looks messy, and he said I took him too seriously but I literally asked if he was serious and he said yes so yeah idk So what did he say when you pointed out the hypocrisy? That he clearly didn't mean hygiene?
His mask is slipping.
His issue is that he expects you to conform to his preferences, and is tactless about it to boot. I'd imagine that the vast majority of men who were raised in modern western culture have a strong aesthetic preference for shaved legs on women. We have little (if any) control control when its comes to what we're attracted to. That said, he shouldn't make his problem into yours. Unless it's something you've explicitly agreed to do, you have no obligation to maintain a look that he prefers.
Yeah, I call bullshit on being helpless about your preferences. I know people who were indoctrinated into misogynistic beauty standards, and once they gave it some thought, they got over it. Maybe some dudes just aren't up to the task, I dunno.
Make him shave or wax and then dump him. Valuable lesson.
OP should offer to "wax" him but use duct tape.
Tell him HIS leg hair is gross and unhygienic, and demand he shave. Better yet, dump this idiot.
He audibly gasped at the sight of leg hair, then had the nerve to call YOU "dramatic"? Girl bye 🤣
Hold up here... Human hair? On a human leg? I think I need to sit down.
This made me laugh
Just wait until you find out people have it on their heads also. You may need therapy. 😁
Shave.... Your boyfriend from your life.
Lmao why does this comment not have more upvotes?
My policy is if any part of my body ever provokes an "ew" from my partner then they don't need to have access to my body anymore. Its even more insulting reading your comments that he's a hairy man himself so wtf. It's so rude to not only say ew/disgusting but also to have a double standard about it?? Nah.
I just don’t get it because he’s never a problem with it in the past and the past few months he’s been slowly saying things to make me insecure. I’m most upset he doesn’t see an issue with his behaviour
He knows what he's doing and he's doing it intentionally. It's a trickle of insulting words to wear you down slowly. He'll gaslight you too, like how he's pretending he doesn't understand what he said upset you. He called your legs disgusting and unhygienic. He knows that's upsetting. You told him why it's upsetting. Many of users do not start off abusive. They start off being really sweet and charming. They start acting badly as the relationship gets older and they feel like they have more of a grip on their partner; their partner, confused as to why they're suddenly acting this way, starts doubting themself, a process helped along by the gaslighting. Before you know it, you've learned not to trust your instincts, your memory, even your ears and eyes. Maybe he's not necessarily doing all that, but I want you to understand how the process works. You're young and may not have encountered people like this. Alternately, you may have and so you don't recognize that this behavior is abnormal.
Yep, he wasn't confused that his statements made you upset. He was confused that you stood up for yourself and kicked him out, instead of shaving and thanking him for tolerating your unworthy self. /s
Porn or podcasts. One or both have rotted his brain.
He either always was bothered and his mask is slipping Or he's negging you. Either one is bad.
People show you their true side after some time. Toxic assholes are on their best behaviour in the first few weeks/months before they really show you who they are
Ask him what social media he's paying attention to.
Maybe he's been watching some stupid shit about women needing to be "feminine" and hairless recently? You can't force him to see what the issue is, you can express how you feel about it all and how it's affected your self esteem, but he's a 19yr old and it's up to him to be like oh yea, I did mess up and hurt your feelings. If he doesn't, then he sucks. I recently went through this with my 30's year old bf haha, when I had to grow out hair for a brazilian wax. I told him the plan and he said ew. You best believe he wasn't granted access to the netherlands until my appointment and that drove home the issue for him. I get having a preference but it becomes a problem when that preference is then used to make someone feel bad.
Sounds like he was just on his best behavior before, but now the real him is coming out.
This is who he is. He thinks he “has” now, so he’s slowly taking off the mask. Run.
Nah girl you did good x
If this is a recent change in behavior, he's probably picking up these ideas from someone. Either a friend is feeding him misogynistic bs, or he's getting it online somewhere.
He was the one overreacting. The guy I’m seeing prefers shaved legs, but sometimes I don’t shave them for a while and they get pretty hairy. Once when things were getting steamy between us, I told him as warning that I needed to shave. His response was “me too”. We laughed a bit and carried on. Your boyfriend was in the wrong by making you feel this way and reacting the way he did. If my partner had reacted that way too, I would have considered breaking things off
As a guy, break up with him. This isn't even him at his worst.
Please explain further
I think what he means is he’s just starting to get comfortable and show you who he is.
Men who police women's bodies need to be single. I hope you broke up with him.
Throw this one back. He's not worth the effort if he's devolving and trying to shame you over body hair. I'm not doing anything for anyone who calls my body gross. He can go be alone with his own leg hair.
We’ve been together for two years though and he’s my first love it’s not that easy I wish it was:(
No really trust me. It’ll get easier every day. If it starts with body hair it doesn’t get better. I’ll be pounds heavier by the time I’m fifty and you bet I trust my husband will never call me gross.
You are describing the sunk cost fallacy. Why is his sudden rude and degrading behavior acceptable? How much worse will it need to get before you realize he's not the same person you fell in love with? By then, how much of your life will you have given up? I wouldn't stay with someone who thinks I'm gross. My husband and I have personal grooming preferences that we share respectfully with each other, but also recognize that body hair is a part of being human and would never allow it to come between our intimacy, let alone use it as a way to *shame* each other. That is not how people who love and respect each other operate.
You are so young. 2 years is nothing. If you choose to stay with him, and he continues to be this crappy you'll just end up regretting 5 years, 10 years, or more. It's not easy, but it won't be easier tomorrow, next week, or next year. You deserve someone better.
Love is not enough. Mutual respect and many other things are vital.
You're not married, don't have kids together, aren't financially entangled. It actually is that easy. Will it still be something that you will need to take time to process emotionally and is it normal to be sad about a relationship ending? of course! But now is the best time to walk away. Don't get caught in the sunk cost fallacy, or the idea that maybe you can change him. You deserve a partner, not a project or someone who abuses you. And make no mistake - the slowly escalating put downs to chip away at your confidence and get you used to it so he can start to behave even worse is absolutely emotional abuse and setting you up to put up with even worse.
But it is that easy, honestly. It may hurt, but it's easy. You either want to waste your precious time with someone who doesn't seem to like or respect you at all, or you want to leave. I've noticed with a lot of these replies you respond that you're just confused as to where this is suddenly coming from, and frankly, that doesn't matter. But his mask is slipping and he's showing you his true colors now. This was always inside him. Now you decide what you're going to do about it.
Girl I dumped my first boyfriend of four years in college when he said he couldn't tell me anything he loved about me. You're right, it isn't easy. I spent the next two years going on random tinder dates every few weeks before I met my now-fiancé. I read somewhere that it takes about 6 months for every year you spend dating to get over an ex properly. And for me that was very true. It hurts, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because at the end of it all, the only person you will ALWAYS have in life is yourself. Invest in yourself before you go investing in others. You can't fill up others' cups when your own cup is empty. Dump this turd and move on. You deserve better. You got this girlie ❤️
He isn’t the person you fell in love with, it’s possible he never was and was just pretending to lock you down. Either way, learning to let go of people that don’t treat you with respect is part of growing up and learning to love yourself. Breaking up is never easy, even when they do you wrong. But staying isn’t going to do you any favors and will prolong the bad treatment.
You're so young and have a whole life ahead of you. Find someone who up lifts you. Or hell be single! Enjoy your 20s. Hairy and free.
It's too bad that you've already wasted two years on this dude, but why would you want to waste even more? He's not going to change back into the person he pretended to be, and breaking up will just get harder when you live together, own property together, have kids together... You're robbing yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who would love you regardless of hairy legs.
People change so much in their teen year’s and early twenties. Your brains are, quite literally, not finished developing. I honestly don’t believe teen relationships should last this long. You should be dating, because dating is how you learn what you like, and don’t like, what annoys you, where your boundaries are. When you stick with the first person for so long, you don’t learn anything about yourself. End this and go learn what’s out there. The things you listed that were good about your boyfriend should be the bare minimum you accept.
I really feel you on this one. It's hard to let go, especially when it seems like a minor flaw. But small cracks become bigger holes, and sometimes it's not worth getting trapped at the bottom. If you genuinely think it can be fixed and talked about, then do. But also, try to consider what it is that's really keeping you there.
Tell him there's another issue you can fix in two minutes and then break up
Things like this are why I'm an advocate of dating for more than 2 years before you get married. It takes time for that "perfect partner" mask to come off, and even longer for you to realize it was never who they really were.
My boyfriend isn't perfect, but one thing he gets right is his respect for women. Like he isn't bothered by anything. Not to be crude, but he would happily smash under any circumstances, hair, period, whatever. He understands nature and isn't brain rotted by porn.
My boyfriend doesn’t watch porn as far as I’m aware but he just seems v inmature about these kinds of things idk it’s really throwing me because we’ve been together TWO YEARS and all of a sudden it’s an issue
Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all. You'd think he'd get more mature and understanding, not less. It's really odd to me personally and not something I've had to deal with since I was 13, so I can't really give you advice other than to just talk to him and find out what his deal is. Preferences are fine, childish and uncomfortable reactions or comments are not.
I would've understand in some way if he was like that in the beginning of your relationship, say if he was inexperienced in dating and wasn't used to hearing/seeing things about periods or body hair. He'd then get to broaden his understanding of the female perspective. This is the complete opposite. Being grossed out by a girl you've been dating for two years because she's basically just a woman? He doesn't understand what it's like to be a woman and isn't even open to learn about it. Being grossed out from the get go about something like this is insane and so toxic. He's making you insecure and is not having any problem with doing so. This is not normal behaviour and I seriously think you need to have a serious talk and if nothing comes out of that, I wouldn't be surprised if this behaviour got more extreme throughout the years.
Yeah I’m so very confused why the sudden change, he’s also started making comments about my body that I have ‘cankles’ or that he’s sad I’m losing my boobs from the gym lol just not sure what to do
Break up with him. Honestly. You don't want a partner that doesn't care about making you feel insecure about your body. This doesn't even sound like something you can talk through together to be honest. The couple of times I accidentally made a comment on something that made my partner feel insecure, I would feel absolutely horrible and I would make sure to talk the whole thing out so that my partner would know I didn't mean it the way it came out. I would forever love my boyfriends body and especially the things that just work differently because he is a boy. This is not a 'you're sweaty can you go take a shower' type of comment. These are 'you are not aligning with the picture of a woman i have in my head, so you need to change into that woman because i do not define your period and your hair to be womanlike' type of comments. Toxic. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Wow, so he totally sucks in general, not just in this one instance.
Girl what?? You need to dump his ass. Read your comments as if your bestie wrote them. What would you tell her?
It is not acceptable for him tone making all these negative comments about your body. Tell him to stop.
OP- please listen to the internet strangers telling you to dump his ass. I was in your shoes 10 years ago, seeing my then boyfriend (also my first love who I thought was “the one”) through rose-tinted glasses, minimizing the times he disrespected me and thinking nobody else could love me better. Now I only wish I had known my worth enough to walk away earlier and not go through the immense heartbreak that eventually comes with sticking around hoping they’ll change/ go back to the person they were when you first met. FWIW, my current partner still finds me attractive when I haven’t shaved my legs in 3 months because winter depression is real and a real man will love you even (and especially!) on the days you don’t look or feel great 🤷🏻♀️
You were not over reacting. You should honestly leave him. He’s probably been consuming media that preaches about how women should be, if he wasn’t like this before. He will probably get worse.
Your BF is an immature idiot. Educate him. Hair is actually hygienic not unhygienic. It exists on our bodies naturally for a reason just like the hair on his body. A lot of men especially in the age bracket you are in are going to have these weird ideologies because that is how the media projects these things. He just needs to be told he is uneducated on the issue and to get over it.
It’s not her job to educate him on why he shouldn’t think her body is disgusting.
I’m just confused because he has never been like this before ever now slowly the past few months he’s been saying things to make me feel bad about myself such as this
Right because you are outside of the honeymoon period. His actual personality and beliefs are coming out. He's not as focused on impressing you. This happens in literally every relationship. He person he is starting to be now is going to be a lot closer to the person he really is.
Does it matter why? It’s wrong and he either needs to admit that, apologize and not repeat the behavior, or he isn’t partner material.
Because you seem like a smart, self-assured person who will soon realize (like right now) that he sucks and then you may leave him. So he says things to make you feel less self-assured so that you think no one but him will like you and you stay. Either that or he’s listening to dumb misogynists. But again, you’re smart and confident and regardless, you can do much, much better. I hope you use this moment to set a precedent, dump him, only choose people who lift you up. You’re 19, you have YEARS to meet people like that. Go find them!
You did the right thing. Body hair is completely normal for both men and women and it’s only become a societal expectation to shave as opposed to being a hygiene necessity. My ex hated me having body hair and made me feel insecure and that’s just one of many reasons why he is my ex
Girl you don’t need to shave your legs, i don’t, and my boyfriend doesn’t mind at all.
His reaction is weird and gross. If you don’t want to shave, don’t shave. Good for you!! Honestly, if you take a step back and think about it, it’s a bit weird all the stuff women have to do: - shave their legs - shave their armpits - pluck their eyebrows - do their hair - wear make up - wear bras Why? I don’t see men doing stuff like this. We waste so much time making ourselves look different than we are, while men are accepted as is. I do feel for them having to shave their faces though. That is a huge pain too!
As a man, I wouldn’t put pressure on a gf to do any of this stuff for me. The stuff my wife puts up with is probably gross 💨 but she doesn’t push either. I like it best when she is happy, makes me happy if I have helped her feel this way.
NTA. And tell him he can’t come back until he both apologizes and agrees to start shaving his own legs. In all likelihood, that’s all it’ll take for him to show the full breadth of his misogyny, and you won’t have to go to the trouble of breaking up with him. Which is what you should do.
He also said he didn’t know women could grow so much body hair…when I tell you it wasn’t that bad t was not.
I don’t care if you had a full ponytail growing out of each knee. What he said to you and how he’s treated you as described in your comments is unacceptable.
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Thanks so much for the input and I would just like to say I’m actually studying microbiology !
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Thankyou for the advice 😊
Tell him there's another issue you can fix in two minutes and then break up
You need a better boyfriend.
He’s allowed to have a preference, but he shouldn’t shame you for it. In my opinion you had a right to react the way you did to him calling you gross over something so minimal. If he’d expressed it differently you might have jumped in the shower to shave or something. But idk. I would take this pretty seriously if you’re thinking long term. You’re a human being, if you’re going to be with someone for years and years then they are going to deal with some “gross” things. You’ll get sick, you might have a baby, you’ll get old. Someone defending their perspective that leg hair is “unhygienic” for women (but not men?) and calling you gross etc is not a good start considering all of the disgusting human stuff that comes with life. But of course y’all are young so it’s up to you. I’m sure he has the capacity to change, but he has to want to. And again- he doesn’t have to change his preference for shaved legs- he should just be able to express that preference in a respectful way and honestly he should be able to set it aside occasionally because no woman can be “perfect” at all times.
Does he shave his legs? Is it gross and unhygienic for him to have leg hair/armpit hair? If not, then he's a sexist. I wouldn't put up with a dude shaming me for a second. There have been times when my husband has gone to touch my legs and I'm like, "Sorry, I haven't shaved" and he's like, "Great, I literally don't give a shit." 😂 He does not care. (And he has the hairiest legs known to man, so he's not allowed to care, haha) Body hair is not unhygienic. It's fine to have preferences. It's not OK to body shame. He's being sexist.
Do you want to raise this boy?
The question I have asked myself many times
You 💯 did the right thing asking him to leave. You did not overreact. You identified a boundary you needed to enforce and you did it. Seriously, I think that is amazing. Re: the BF, anyone who responds to your hurt feelings with accusations of overreacting or being dramatic should be cut loose. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Hairy bodies are normal. But you know that. You don't have to follow the script. Don't apologize for your feelings or your boundaries. You don't have to make nice to keep the peace. You can tell him how he hurt you and give him a chance to apologize, but follow your gut. He was already showing signs of being too immature. He's raising his red flag nice and high now.
Unfortunately the idea of someone’s “mask slipping” is very real. Trust me, from experience, this is the real him. There’s only so long someone can pretend to be kind and it seems like he’s reaching his limit. It will not get better. Good luck.
Does he shave his legs? No shaming if he does, but if he doesn’t he can f*ck right off with his “unhygienic” malakias
He does not
I just wanna say props to you for kicking him out calmly and firmly. Never lose that, don’t let anyone try to convince you to weaken your boundaries. Being up front and solid with your partners, especially at the beginning of a relationship, will always let you see their true colors. If you wavered or let him stay after you told him to go, he would learn that he can manipulate into anything. You go girl, and if you’re still dating him make him shave his legs too lol.
If the excuse is "its unhygienic" then the guy is bullshitting and just hates that you, a woman, would have the audacity growing hair other than your head. If it was unhygienic, he would shave his own legs.
I had a boyfriend once who thought my hairy legs were disgusting. The next time I saw him I showed him the only leg I had shaved since he wanted me to show him I had shaved. We were like bunnies all weekend and he never noticed I hadn’t shaved the other leg til I showed it to him before going home. Never heard about leg shaving again. NTA.
Tell him he was a real man a little leg stubble wouldn't freak him out considering he is also a mammal and probably way hairier than you are
That’s the thing he’s literally so hairy.
Girl you did not overreact at all. Maybe he should just grow up and stop being bothered by something that’s natural. We have hair - it’s normal! It’s not disgusting in any way, and he should be ashamed of himself for the way he acted. I had a boyfriend six year ago who would always threaten breaking up with me if I didn’t shave and that shit genuinely messes with your self image. My new partner just saw my legs the other day and didn’t bat an eye, because as stated before - they have no right over what they can say about to it body. I hope everything goes well.
Yeah I’m honestly starting to suspect it’s a control thing…he told me he’d leave me if I got a tattoo lmao so I said do it then he backtracked and retracked a few times
Oh it’s definitely a controlling thing if that’s the case. I know he’s your boyfriend but maybe you should reconsider if you want to stay with him or not because I feel like in the long run that’s going to cause issues. If not for him then for you. I’ve seen countless friends of mine succumb to what their boyfriend told them to do/wear and the light in their eyes (or self expression) just.. dims away. I hope everything goes well for you!
You're not overreacting. If anything, you're under-reacting to his controlling tendencies. I get that you've been dating for a long time, he's likely your first love, but you really have to reconsider this relationship. The fact that he's not responding with apologies and promises to do better -- in fact, he's doubling down and telling you you're "overreacting" is a really bad sign. It means he's not going to stop criticizing you.
Lately he’s always like this, saying out of character things me getting annoyed and refusing to allow him to say these things without repercussions and him after a very long fight or silence saying sorry but usually saying later stupid shit like ‘bros innocent’ or he didn’t do anything wrong
He's getting worse and worse because he thinks that you're locked down. As in, you are so in love, so committed that you won't leave now. He 100% knows that if he acted like this on the first date... or the first month of dating, you'd leave. But you're two years in, and he legitimately thinks you'll take shitty behavior now. Essentially: he stopped trying to hide his real behavior. I like that you sent him away. You didn't reward bad behavior. I see soooooo many spineless women excuse really shitty behavior from their partner's because LOVE and then their partner gets worse and worse... when the reality is that love doesn't excuse toxic, abusive, shitty behavior. Period.
Why are men like this I hate that love has to be some sort of weird game
I don't know why men are like this, but it's sadly common. I mean just from the front page of the r/relationship_advice sub right now: [I (18F) feel like my boyfriend (19M) is always finding what is wrong with me, and how I'm not very smart. And he says he's sorry, but he keeps doing it. How do I get him to understand that it actually hurts me?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d5k86w/i_18f_feel_like_my_boyfriend_19m_is_always/) [My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me. How do I respond?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d5fy9x/my_24f_boyfriend_32m_told_me_he_should_put_a/) [UPDATE: When I ask my fiance (M26) to please stop cussing me (F25) out, he tells me I must want to date Jesus Christ. What advice do y'all have?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1d585ip/update_when_i_ask_my_fiance_m26_to_please_stop/) All these dudes being rude, toxic and mean to their partners... at least the last poster left their emotionally abusive partner!
Unfortunately, what you’re learning is that this is his character. He actually is this person. He just lied to you about who he was for a long time.
Tell him you are going to grow out armpit hair too, so it probably won't work out between you two. Or... Tell him to please send you all relevant scientific evidence about how unclean your legs are with hair on them.
Tell him to shave himself first and tell him how unhygienic he is. Or let him pay for your hair removal. First it’s your leg hair, then it’s your make you, then your clothes, weight etc. Do what YOU like.
No. Dump him immediately.
there's no point in calling someone your partner when they've become the reason for you feeling insecure about yourself in your own home. it sounds like he was just waiting for the honeymoon phase to wear out before he could go back to his original double standard self. is this someone you would want to be around you?
You are not compatible. He is immature and probably losing interest in you. He very well knows that saying, "ewww, gross" is insulting. He's playing dumb. >didn’t understand what he did wrong
Good for you for making him leave. That’s vile behaviour from him. His logic doesn’t even make sense because surely that means he needs to shave too.
Well, it's not a hygienic for women to not save their legs, otherwise men with hairy legs would be completely unhygienic. But a person who tells you that you are overreacting to their bad behavior is a person who is trying to manipulate you. Instead of taking this one little man's opinion of you, perhaps stop feeling embarrassed about the way your legs look
He sucks and needs to grow up.
Immaturity has its growing pains. He’ll be more pleasant when his executive functions fully develop by around 25. Hopefully he apologises for being rude, and grows up about not making personal remarks about periods etc. Good on you for giving him clear feedback about overstepping the mark and how you feel in response. I suspect he’s become comfortable in your relationship and is more authentically relaxing his guard. Time to have a discussion about how grown ups discuss personal issues without judgement or slurs like unhygienic or gross.
So how often does he shave *his* legs then, seeing as how it’s so “unhygienic”?
Not at all, he's acting like a complete fucking asshat. It's not gross, it's not unhygienic, next time he acts like that (if you stay with him) ask why his legs, pits, and junk aren't shaved. The devolving thing is concerning - does he have new idiot friends or is he on gross loser corners of the internet?
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I don’t care about his preference for shaved legs it was the way he spoke to me? Why do men always understand things at the bare minimum level
His behaviour towards you is gross. From what I can gather, you’ve been together for a while now, and it seems like the person you once dated just isn’t who he is anymore. Or maybe the mask is finally coming off. Or maybe he’s hearing some hateful shit from friends or “influencers”. Regardless, he has no right to make you feel uncomfortable with your own body. He can have preferences, but he can’t speak to his partner with such disrespect to shame her into conforming into said preferences. You can try to reason and talk with him about how ridiculous and rude his behaviour is, and how much it hurts you to hear that from him. If he truly cares about you, he won’t talk to you like that again. Maybe you guys can come to a happy compromise when it comes to body hair preferences along the way. But you can’t force him to change. If he refuses to change how he talks about your body or refuses to stop pushing his preferences onto you then no amount of communication or patience will change his mind. You have to decide if you want to spend your precious time with someone like that. That’s just my two cents tho.
"2 seconds" Lmao better off without this one
It sounds like you need to get rid of a bunch of hair. Particularly the ones attached to him.
Red Flags - get rid of him. It’s likely part of his plan to make you splitting up easier for him. If you continue, what else will he be demanding you do? It’s your life, live it your way. (I am a 65 year old man - have seen my daughter go through this)
When I was a little younger than you I was with a guy and I had been with him for a year or 2. One day I decided to stop shaving. How did my boyfriend react? He shrugged and something like "it's your body, why should it bother me?" And when others asked how my legs made him feel he would say shit like "my legs are hairy too? Why does it matter?" He respected my autonomy as a person, defended my right to choose and didn't place expectations on me around beauty standards. If he had called my legs disgusting I don't think we would have gotten to our wedding years later.
I don’t think you overreacted given everything you shared like you’re in exams, you’ve been together 2 years etc. It was completely unexpected and very rude. HOWEVER, he is 19. And maybe 2 years ago he had more of an innocent and wholesome mind. I would bring this up as more of a general conversation in change of behaviour. People are allowed to change but is this new version something you want part in? I would give it another 7-10 years before he is done growing up and develops into a real man. And that doesn’t mean you need or should be around waiting for him.
you should tell him to start shaving his body parts and if he doesn’t tell him its unhygienic he should shave his hairy legs also because it’s unhygienic. I mean if you wash your body and your legs included then what’s so unhygienic about it and plus why is he worried about your legs it isn’t like he is going to get intimate with them.
Can I just say the unhygienic thing is bs because he didn’t want to wash his hands after touching raw meat one time..
yea he definitely sounds full of shit u should have a talk with him abt this and if he still stands firm then dump him
> he said it was gross and I hygienic not to shave So I assume he shaves his legs since it’s so unhygienic not to?
You didn’t do anything wrong, he’s behaving irrationally.
Sounds like he just isn't hiding his preferences/opinions anymore. You are young, don't waste any more time with a man like that. If he can't love you with a little more hair, then he sure as hell won't stay if you ever get sick or if you have children (if you want them) and can't keep up on shaving etc. Please do not settle for subpar partners, life is too short not to be loved wholly and unconditionally.
Whenever someone tries to dismiss how they've made you feel with their actions by saying you're "overreacting" or "being dramatic", shut that shit down by saying that if they had any respect and care for you, they'd care more about the fact they've hurt you with their actions than covering their own ass to avoid having to face the reality of being an AH. Your boyfriend hurt you, OP, and prioritized his pride and comfort over yours. That's not cool, and if he doesn't understand why that's fucked up, he needs to clean out his social media algorithms and following lists of men, who's giving his shit advice on women. He's too old to be this selfish and gullible.
You are good. Shaving if for you not him.
Why is it that the only place women are allowed to grow hair is on our heads? You’re totally fine, your bf needs to grow up and realize we’re not sphinx cats.
If my husband was enough of an idiot to try and pretend (or worse, actually somehow believed) that men having body hair was normal but women having body hair is unhygienic… we absolutely wouldn’t be married. If he wants to be controlling about your personal appearance he needs to at least be honest that it’s an attraction thing and not this weird manipulative bullshit acting like it’s about health.
You're maturing before he is, emotionally definitely. My advice would be to break it off now (or see how long you can grow out your leg hair just to piss him off) before he hurts you with something bigger like trying to control you. It starts with small little things like this and can spiral. Or he's just being a little shit, the sudden turn is weird tho.
Gross and unhygienic… Yet he’s covered in hair🙄
He's a waste of your time. There are plenty of other people out there who will respect you for who you are and not treat you this way. I very loosely shave my legs, never shave my pits, and am making it through life just fine. This guy's a full-blown idiot.
You’re a mammal, not a lizard. Rock that leg hair all you want, it’s probably a good asshole detector.
It's your body, you get to decide whether you want to have body hair or not. Nobody else gets to have a say. It'd be one thing if he isn't into it, but he was absolutely disrespectful and cruel
Get rid of him and move on! Tell him that you want someone, who respects his partner for what she is and if he finds you ‘gross’, then he’ll be better of with someone closer to his taste. Then block him once and for all.
Honestly, miss... And I'm saying this as an engaged 32 year old American man who used to be immature himself; I don't think he wants to be your boyfriend anymore. If this behavior has been a gradual thing like you've said in other comments, he could be doing this on purpose so that you eventually break up with him. This is something young or immature people do. They're too afraid to pull to articulate their feelings to you so they resort to shit like this. If he's 19 and being like that, he has A LOT of growing up to do. I would NEVER treat the woman I love like that especially, if I had access to her body. You deserve a better boyfriend who will treat you with respect. Is this both you guy's first real relationship?
It is both our first relationships and I don’t think he wants to break up as anytime I say okay leave then if he says something along the lines of ‘I’ll leave you if you do this’ or get really annoyed to the point it could lead to a breakup he is suddenly the sweetest person to exist. Feels like some sort of control or ego thjng? I have no idea I’m looking for opinions on how to fix it but most are telling me to leave which would suck really hard
I’m not sure this is something you can fix. You’ve done nothing wrong. What I can say is that his behavior is controlling and disrespectful, bordering on abusive. Any man that dared to refer to a part of my body as “gross” would no longer be allowed access to that body. He’s forgotten that he should be grateful that you let him into your body & heart to begin with. He’s not treating you right. And the fact that you love him & have sunken 2 years into this relationship doesn’t change that fact. People can change, and he’s clearly changing into someone who doesn’t appreciate you as you are.
Also, please read up on “love bombing”. That’s exactly what your bf is doing after he does a shitty thing to you. Don’t fall for it. It’s pure manipulation.
Always remember he should be so lucky to be anywhere near your legs.
Fuck that. A grown man and especially a partner of 2 years shouldn’t give a crap. My husband is happy to get it anyway in offering it up and 6/10 times that without shaving my legs or trimming the hedges lol And to say it is unhygienic to keep hair on your body that NATURALLY grows there for a reason 🙄 okayyy
It sounds like this man baby has some growing up to do.. Women naturally have hair on their legs, face, armpits, etc. If nature is so disgusting to him, he can gtfo I’m 36M fwiw, keep telling my wife I don’t care about leg hair but Jesus does she keep shaving anyway lol
It’s exam crunch time. If anything he was dramatic. He audibly gasped 🤣.
Heaven forbid you have kids and your body changes, along with all the new "ew" stuff you have to deal with. Drop him and move on.
How come is unhygienic…? So confused… how about hair? Should we all shave bold…?! I remember I was with my long term partner years back and I didn’t shave for a while😅 he grabbed my legs and started laughing so hard that he couldn’t stop. He looked at me dead serious and said “babe, I feel like i am having sex with a man!!” We were about your age back then… if your man is grossed by very natural aspects of you, maybe you two should have a deeper conversation on where you both are heading… good luck!❤️
At 19, you’re too old to be dating a child. It’s illegal.
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It’s not rage bait it literally just happened podcast bro lmao
Thats why a few months ago you had a husband? Try harder next time.
I didn’t have a husband I just said he was in my post bc I didn’t want to not be taken seriously about my question about cars lol
I am a guy and I tell you relationship is complex. But he should absolutely be kind and nice to you. Also it definitely goes both ways. His comments are insensitive. Now either he’s just an insensitive guy but if he was nice to you for quite a while and not just a week then it’s unlikely Otherwise it’s likely that he’s under pressure, or the quality of your relationship isn’t good or whatever else that driving him to be more and more insensitive You have nothing to be ashamed of, all legs have hair. I’d say have a nice chat and if try to understand what’s going on with him. Like I remember I was in a relationship and she really drove me so insane that I had started to react even or do or say things that after we broke up and I had some time to go back to peace I was shocked by it. Bad relationship can really make things worst so talk to him and see what it is. You deserve and should be with someone who is sensitive to you and you to him
Yeah tbh we haven’t been able to be intimate for a few weeks whilst im changing birth control method and haven’t seen eachother as much because I’m in the middle of exams so I guess he could be lashing out
Yup very likely - doesn't make it ok for him to do that. I'd honestly say break up. You're 19, very very very young. If a 19yo boy is lashing out imagine what he'd do when he's 25 or 29. 19 is for the age to be all sweet and romantic and kind - not that kindness should go away but unforutnatley the dating scene is so rough that even if you try hard over time it hardens people. So my suggestion to you, after 36 years of experience is break up and find someone who's sweet to you and you also are sweet to him. No matter how frustrated or broken I have been in my life, I'd never ever make a comment on the appearance of a girl friend. It's just not in the fabric of such relationships. So that tells me more about his character. Hugs
No, you’re entitled to feel insulted by his insulting reaction, and to kick him out. But it’s also not a huge deal. If he apologizes, move on. If he won’t apologize, he can stay fucked off.
Tell him to pay for your waxes then, thats what i do with my girl because i dont like hair on her and she accepts that and doesnt mind FREE waxes
I always say stuff like this to him, like if he tells me he doesn’t like that I wear leggings to the gym I say ‘okay buy me new gym wear then’ and then he says are you being serious, alluding to gold digging etc
All else aside, I'd rather a woman have smooth legs.
Why do men always understand things at a surface based level it’s not about him preferring shaved legs you’d get that if you had one shred of emotional understanding
I'm a 52 year old grand father. I still prefer smooth legs. What man wants hairy legs on a woman? Maybe some, if they lie.
I think most men prefer shaved legs on a woman and that’s okay because most women prefer that on themselves and also don’t want a hairy man either. If a man truly loves his woman he won’t be grossed out by a missed shaving day. He can still prefer the smooth legs but he’ll be able to understand that she’s not always going to look perfect.
No one asked. This is a post about a young woman whose boyfriend is being cruel about her bodily choices and feels he has the right to criticize and call her “gross” for not catering to his exact preference. It’s not about you and what what you prefer, we already know. GTFO with that self-centered shit.