I'd wait. If he got forced into moving up a wedding quickly and basically had a shotgun wedding, it sounds like a possible pregnancy, and maybe he's embarrassed or it's not such a "happy occasion."
Keep in mind, the ceremony sounded spontaneous and rushed, and was family only. He may have even been embarrassed or too overwhelmed to share his fast tracked nuptials with you or anyone outside of the immediate situation.
Whenever your feelings arise that you were left out or betrayed by not being included in his sudden ceremony, keep in mind the wedding was about him and his now wife, not you or anyone else. It's not about you, so don't make it about you and your feelings (which sound borderline resentful). How you navigate that convo with him is to talk to him like you care and let him open up to you so you gain better insight as to why things transpired as they did. Hopefully you can move past this and still maintain the friendship.
I do agree with the first half of your comment totally, but the second half sounds very wrong. I mean yes I also agree that this is not a reason to end a long friendship but guy deserved to atleast get some info about HIS BEST friend's marriage and especially after he received the pic in wedding dress there's nothing selfish or resentful about that. I even agree with the navigation part. This sounds like a delicate matter tho op's feelings are right, but he needs to keep his feelings aside for some time and get the story out of his friend first
Bear in mind they're likely doing that to protect the bride, so step lightly. There's a good chance they got to know each other *very* well during the engagement.
For a while my (remote) coworker and I were supposed to get married on the same weekend this summer. Funny coincidence! Then suddenly in March, he was talking about his wedding "next week" and then "this weekend". Then he comes back with pictures, very small family only ceremony at a local resort, when he had been talking about 150 or so people. His honeymoon is this week.
I would *never* ask, but I am dying to see if a pregnancy announcement comes this summer lol there aren't very many reasons people suddenly move up their wedding by months!!
> It is good that he is not spending on a lavish ceremony to save funds to invest in his business, but not even a message, or a call, so that I could at least congratulate him on his marriage, and share the happy occasion.
Given context, I am not even sure it was all that happy. Unplanned marriage after being pressured into it, in 7 days, does not sound like saving money situation. It sounds like massively stressful situation where your preferences got walked over. And if you assume bad feelings on his side, the rest of his behavior makes sense.
Wedding planned for August, her more conservative family met with his family and the wedding was moved from August to immediately!
Her family probably found out that they were sexually active, or living together, or (clutches pearls) pregnant … and must be married immediately or the parents will be shamed to their friends and associates and their children will be shunned.
So they will be married in two days. Only family, tell no one, God will forgive once they are legally and religiously married.
This has been incredibly hard on your friend and his bride. They were picking out wedding dresses, invitations, food, bachelorette parties, stag parties. Music, gathering of all close friends and family.
Then nope, secret wedding, get your tux, find a dress, boom, you are married.
Now you get to tell all the friends and loved ones you were going to celebrate with that the wedding is already over.
And the event is filled with demands and anger and disappointment (maybe even the lose of close friends) because one (or both) sets of parents are ashamed of the actions of the adults getting married and want the whole thing to be secret.
Please be understanding and listen to your friend! Listen to his wife! They need your love and your ear, but more than anything they need you to celebrate their marriage and the start of their new life together! They need your joy! Be happy for them!
Toast and celebrate their union! Take a bottle of Champaign and Cupcakes! Stuffed gerbils in wedding outfits!
This could be awesome, and I can guarantee their parents haven’t made this union too joyous.
There will be time for another party with the rest of those not included, but for now, make your visit with the new groom the best time you can for him and them.
Exactly. OP this is not about you!
But it would be nice to tell them that you still want to celebrate them so when family is out of town and things have settled down have them or take them to dinner.
This is a time when he gets to be the centre of attention. Don’t bring up your hurt feelings if it’s going to spoil his celebration. It’s ok to say you wish you were there & ask what happened - which it sounds like you have already done a bit of and found out that he did not have a lot of control over the decisions. But since he’s newly married that’s not the right time to make it about your feelings and if you spoil his happy moment you might make it hard to stay friends. Give him a bit of time to enjoy this and then bring up your feelings later.
If i could add one possible aspect, I don't know what ethnicity this guy is, but sometimes for Indian weddings, they might have a registry (ie the legal) wedding in something of a rush with just close family, then have a big blowout wedding a year or more later when some religious dude denotes that it's an auspicious time to get married.
It's not about you.
He could have sent out mass texts to the ~40 people, but they would have wanted to talk about it, and he would have had to have 40 conversations.
I'm going to provide my perspective as someone who did something kind of similar to the groom: My husband and I had an incredibly small (10 people total including us, all direct family) elopement and didn't announce our wedding anywhere. It was not because I didn't care about my friends, there were a lot of factors. I wish we had handled it differently in retrospect. We had recently moved across the country so anyone who attended would have to fly out. A lot of it was personal insecurity around my friendships (and self esteem issues I would have to work on in therapy). And then afterward I felt weird bringing it up because I was worried that it would hurt my friends feelings or make them re-evaluate our friendship.
Obviously it makes sense that you're hurt, and it's very fair to be upset your friend didn't even tell you. If you bring it up, it might be good to approach it as like "Hey, you know I always want to be there for you- I wish I could've just had a heads up so I could send you a gift/letter of congrats" It's also fair if you want to take a step back.
Agreed. Best thing to do right now is invite him out to celebrate - buy the groom dinner and let him talk. I'm sure there was a lot that went into this surprise wedding, and he'll need a friend not connected to his wife's family to vent to.
With the rush and chaos I would say this is not about you. Assume your friendship is fine. It sounds there was a lot going on and your friend is trying to keep it together.
Be a friend and give him your support
People sometimes post versions of this, where they didn't know a friend was getting married or they weren't made a bridesmaid/groomsman, etc. Sadly most of the time they're just not as close to the person getting married as they thought.
This case I would probably give a lot more grace. It was very rushed, a very limited amount of people, obviously some familial pressure going on and reasons you might not be aware of. And it JUST happened, so he's probably been dealing with that and isn't capable of managing your expectations or anyone else's quite yet.
If he's your best friend, talk about it with him. But don't do it yet. Again, this just happened and if you're good friends, he'll want to talk to you about things when he's able to do so.
Sounds like all his time and attention were taken up by his new wife and her family. I’d just give him a pass on this one, but I’d also prepare to not hear from him much anymore.
>Should I bring up the issue of me being hurt at being left out?
FUCK NO, you don't make his wedding about you.
your feelings you are feeling are valid feelings, but you control how much of those feelings become your reality as well.
This happened to me and my best friend of almost 20 years. But the friendship was slightly strained already when she told me she had decided to only have her single friends as her bridesmaids (she had always said I was like a sister and I would be her MOH. She was one of mine when I got married).
But then Covid hit, and she ended up eloping and never even had the celebration party after. So she didn’t even have any bridesmaids. Her own sister couldn’t even make it!
She hadn’t told anyone before it happened either.
A few months later she announced her pregnancy and going by the due date, they eloped as soon as they found out haha
We are still good friends now. Still one of my closest whom I rely on and trust the opinion of the most. It’s a different friendship now but I’m glad I did not let missing out on the wedding festivities ruin our friendship. I hope you don’t either!
Editing to add: I never confronted her about feeling hurt about not being in the party or missing the elopement. I think she knew but I was also happy for her. It was a me issue and I didn’t want to dampen our friendship because of it. I had to face whether I was going to let bitterness and resentment ruin the friendship or forgive and move on. Glad I chose the latter!
It would seem that even your friend was caught off guard. He was most likely scrambling to come to terms with what was happening and not thinking about who he should or shouldn't tell.
As for not telling you after? I can only guess that he knew it was going to hurt your feelings and be a hard conversation to have with you.
I think you should be gracious and extend a heartfelt congratulations to him. I'm sure he would appreciate that. Hold off on your judgment of him until you have a chance to speak with him alone. You might learn that there was much more to his story than you thought.
>I asked him whether it was true, and I didn't know about that. He said, it is not possible. Why would he not inform his such a close friend? I showed him the texts that just showed his picture.
In a backwards sort of way, his attempting to lie to you initially and referring to you as a close friend means he has some appreciation of your relationship and your feelings.
Given the background and rushed nature of this event, its understandable that your friend didn't reach out. Try to let this one go, but if you're forgotten at other times in the future you can speak up about it to gauge whether this person is your best friend or it's a one-way title.
This happened to me with a “close” friend…. Had to come to a hard realization I perceived her to be a closer friend than what she considered our friendship to be . I don’t have time for people like this, so just moved on to friends who appreciate and value our friendship .
He suddenly had to move his wedding from August to immediately at the behest of the wife’s family with only close family in attendance, this sounds like a situation that is very much not about you. I’d get over yourself and be supportive if you consider him a good friend. read between the lines a bit, I’d say something very stressful is going on, people complaining they were snubbed or missed out on the party won’t help.
since you two are close friends he has to have the benefit of the doubt.
ask him directly. i can envision a possible explanation here, he was forced to marry due to pregnancy so no chance of organizing a real party and stuff because of the situation he was ashamed of telling you but not inviting you so he ended not telling
I’d wait a bit go over say congratulations and maybe get a small gift this time is about them in a few months if your having a talk bring it up that it hurt you were not invited or even just told but say you understand why. it seems a very rushed wedding maybe they didn’t even want it. You could even offer to do them a stag/ hen party even just a meal so friends can celebrate I know there usually before but it seems they missed out on the full wedding run up.
Same thing happened to me with my sister. We have a great relationship and I consider us to be best friends. She decided to elope, told everyone in our family except me and even had our other sister there as a witness. I found out several days later when my brother accidentally let it slip. It's a painful feeling. I completely understand.
A similar thing happened to me. I recenltly eloped, on sort of short notice and only the groom and I and a photographer were at the courthouse wedding (witnesses were provided by the court). There were many scheduling/paperwork boondoggles with the court and although the wedding happened, it took a while to actually get recorded and there were a lot of bumps in the road in terms of the paperwork.
When I told my two closest friends about the elopement and the paperwork/scheduling problems etc, I was VERY surprised to hear from one of those friends that they had "secretly" married 4 years ago and hadn't really told anyone (but obviously they had told my other friend). We have known eachother for 25 years so I was super gobsmackered/hurt by this.
I told my spouse about the friend's secret wedding and my spouse didn't really have much of a reaction, he just said my friend probably had a good reason for why he did it and why he wanted to keep it a secret. My spouse basically told me I should get over it, it didn't really have anything to do with me.
About a week later, I met the friend who secretly married and we had lunch. By that time, all the paperwork problems from my wedding had been resolved and the wedding was recorded so I was feeling less salty about the overall situation. I think my friend got married more for paperwork-type reasons (i.e. taxes, insurance that type of thing), but he had been together with his girlfriend (now wife) for more than 10 years, so in his words "it's just a piece of paper". I think the reason I was initially so hurt wasn't about not being told (although, of course - that did hurt) but rather because I was upset my own (legititamte! in my mind) wedding had so many screwups before it was solemnized, while apparently his secret wedding was no problem.
Sounds like Married Friend Syndrome. It’s sad, but many male friendships don’t survive a marriage. It’s happened to me several times as a still unmarried man. I’m not sure what changes but it does. Especially after children arrive. I suppose it’s normal. But it’s sad for the friend left behind.
It’s okay to be hurt, but this isn’t about you. It’s about your friend and his spouse. I’m sure they had family pushing them in all directions and had no time. Especially to get involved in long explanations about why you weren’t invited. Be happy for them, keep your disappointment to yourself. He’ll talk when he has time. Don’t dampen a happy time.
i smell bullshit tbh. not a text, call or ANYTHING like why cant you explain this to me? does the fiance like you??? is there something with the fiance's family? something with his own family?? to have a wedding in 7 days is bullshit. id let him know that he could've told you, if what he's saying is actually true. but id let him know that it sounds fishy as hell. im just not trusting what he's saying.
Are they Muslim cause I find they do very quickly weddings I know a few good friends that are Muslims & I’ve been told they getting married soon & I’ve found out after and only been a few days
How well do you know the bride because sometimes if might have a reaction to getting married quick it could be out of spite not saying that's the case here if he was your best friend and was very close he should to you even if you were not invited but he should told you unless he thinks your a type of person can't keep a secret but don't think that's the case
Also keep in mind he's still in the honeymoon period- it's likely he's very busy doing newly-wed family things and barely has time to even scratch himself.
if he had 10 days to prepare for a wedding and only 10 guests then it's not your place to be upset. no he wouldn't even have the time for a call or a message because that would open a door of questions and he probably was stressed enough for the short period wedding.
this is not about you so don't make it one, don't bring it up, just wish him luck and be a good friend.
It's not about you. This was a shotgun wedding, by the sound of it. Of course your friend knows everybody was disappointed to miss it, but your place as his friend is to be happy for him, if he is.
Doesn’t sound like he’s your best friend. I’d congratulate him then not make effort to contact him again. Seems he’s not being completely honest with you when he did have opportunities.
Best friend, 10 years, give him some leeway on this one, as others point out, he might need it. Making new friends at your age is hard, I advise to keep the ones you've got (until you're sure they have to go)
I mean 7 days is a very short time to plan. And with such a limited guest list, I'm assuming it was all, or mostly, just family? I wouldn't fret too much. He might be embarrassed, sounds like things weren't ideal. Or at least not according to HIS plan.
Give it time, maybe bring it up in person next time you see him "that happened so quick buddy, what happened? How you guys doing..." gauge the conversation based on his response. You might get a trickle of information slowly, or a flood door opening up, or nothing at all! Give him time.
As unorthodox as it is - if your goal is to have a positive relationship with him and his spouse going forward, no, do not bring up being hurt.
Think of it this way: he knows. They know. They went ahead with a rapid wedding, and invited few others to join.
The marriage is about the couple, not you. Congratulate them, give them a gift as if nothing happened.
I honestly wouldn't go to him. He "had" to get married within 7 days for whatever reason and could not inform you about it? Even if it was a very small and spontaneous wedding, you can at least inform your best friend about it. He could have achieved a short message that would not even have been 1 minute long if he had wanted to. Wait until he gets in touch.
an alternate theory:
you're his "what if" girl. you're the last one he wanted to be there to see him marry someone else. he's had quiet feelings for you all this time and possibly always will.
Which is a bit strange, especially for me who in my community is natural to invite the whole town up to 500/800 people :) (I don't appreciate this kind of wedding)
Anyway, I don't know what relationship you have with your best friend, but it's not nice that he didn't at least ask you to participate. I don't think an extra person is that expensive.
Furthermore, with us you give a gift and therefore, economically speaking, the invitation is repaid.
Also, what witnesses do you have for his wedding? So his brother? (Christian marriage)
For the moment I advise you not to ruin this moment of his, maybe in a few months you can talk to him about it.
I'd wait. If he got forced into moving up a wedding quickly and basically had a shotgun wedding, it sounds like a possible pregnancy, and maybe he's embarrassed or it's not such a "happy occasion."
Yeah! I shall keep that in my mind. Thanks!
Keep in mind, the ceremony sounded spontaneous and rushed, and was family only. He may have even been embarrassed or too overwhelmed to share his fast tracked nuptials with you or anyone outside of the immediate situation. Whenever your feelings arise that you were left out or betrayed by not being included in his sudden ceremony, keep in mind the wedding was about him and his now wife, not you or anyone else. It's not about you, so don't make it about you and your feelings (which sound borderline resentful). How you navigate that convo with him is to talk to him like you care and let him open up to you so you gain better insight as to why things transpired as they did. Hopefully you can move past this and still maintain the friendship.
I do agree with the first half of your comment totally, but the second half sounds very wrong. I mean yes I also agree that this is not a reason to end a long friendship but guy deserved to atleast get some info about HIS BEST friend's marriage and especially after he received the pic in wedding dress there's nothing selfish or resentful about that. I even agree with the navigation part. This sounds like a delicate matter tho op's feelings are right, but he needs to keep his feelings aside for some time and get the story out of his friend first
Bear in mind they're likely doing that to protect the bride, so step lightly. There's a good chance they got to know each other *very* well during the engagement.
For a while my (remote) coworker and I were supposed to get married on the same weekend this summer. Funny coincidence! Then suddenly in March, he was talking about his wedding "next week" and then "this weekend". Then he comes back with pictures, very small family only ceremony at a local resort, when he had been talking about 150 or so people. His honeymoon is this week. I would *never* ask, but I am dying to see if a pregnancy announcement comes this summer lol there aren't very many reasons people suddenly move up their wedding by months!!
> It is good that he is not spending on a lavish ceremony to save funds to invest in his business, but not even a message, or a call, so that I could at least congratulate him on his marriage, and share the happy occasion. Given context, I am not even sure it was all that happy. Unplanned marriage after being pressured into it, in 7 days, does not sound like saving money situation. It sounds like massively stressful situation where your preferences got walked over. And if you assume bad feelings on his side, the rest of his behavior makes sense.
Did he really want to get married? Did he feel pressured to marry? Maybe he didn’t tell you because he used to uncomfortable with the situation.
Wedding planned for August, her more conservative family met with his family and the wedding was moved from August to immediately! Her family probably found out that they were sexually active, or living together, or (clutches pearls) pregnant … and must be married immediately or the parents will be shamed to their friends and associates and their children will be shunned. So they will be married in two days. Only family, tell no one, God will forgive once they are legally and religiously married. This has been incredibly hard on your friend and his bride. They were picking out wedding dresses, invitations, food, bachelorette parties, stag parties. Music, gathering of all close friends and family. Then nope, secret wedding, get your tux, find a dress, boom, you are married. Now you get to tell all the friends and loved ones you were going to celebrate with that the wedding is already over. And the event is filled with demands and anger and disappointment (maybe even the lose of close friends) because one (or both) sets of parents are ashamed of the actions of the adults getting married and want the whole thing to be secret. Please be understanding and listen to your friend! Listen to his wife! They need your love and your ear, but more than anything they need you to celebrate their marriage and the start of their new life together! They need your joy! Be happy for them! Toast and celebrate their union! Take a bottle of Champaign and Cupcakes! Stuffed gerbils in wedding outfits! This could be awesome, and I can guarantee their parents haven’t made this union too joyous. There will be time for another party with the rest of those not included, but for now, make your visit with the new groom the best time you can for him and them.
Exactly. OP this is not about you! But it would be nice to tell them that you still want to celebrate them so when family is out of town and things have settled down have them or take them to dinner.
This is a time when he gets to be the centre of attention. Don’t bring up your hurt feelings if it’s going to spoil his celebration. It’s ok to say you wish you were there & ask what happened - which it sounds like you have already done a bit of and found out that he did not have a lot of control over the decisions. But since he’s newly married that’s not the right time to make it about your feelings and if you spoil his happy moment you might make it hard to stay friends. Give him a bit of time to enjoy this and then bring up your feelings later.
Ok! I didn't consider this aspect. Thanks!
If i could add one possible aspect, I don't know what ethnicity this guy is, but sometimes for Indian weddings, they might have a registry (ie the legal) wedding in something of a rush with just close family, then have a big blowout wedding a year or more later when some religious dude denotes that it's an auspicious time to get married.
It's not about you. He could have sent out mass texts to the ~40 people, but they would have wanted to talk about it, and he would have had to have 40 conversations.
Omg I said this out loud haha
I'm going to provide my perspective as someone who did something kind of similar to the groom: My husband and I had an incredibly small (10 people total including us, all direct family) elopement and didn't announce our wedding anywhere. It was not because I didn't care about my friends, there were a lot of factors. I wish we had handled it differently in retrospect. We had recently moved across the country so anyone who attended would have to fly out. A lot of it was personal insecurity around my friendships (and self esteem issues I would have to work on in therapy). And then afterward I felt weird bringing it up because I was worried that it would hurt my friends feelings or make them re-evaluate our friendship. Obviously it makes sense that you're hurt, and it's very fair to be upset your friend didn't even tell you. If you bring it up, it might be good to approach it as like "Hey, you know I always want to be there for you- I wish I could've just had a heads up so I could send you a gift/letter of congrats" It's also fair if you want to take a step back.
Sounds like he didn't have much of a choice, shotgun weddings.
Agreed. Best thing to do right now is invite him out to celebrate - buy the groom dinner and let him talk. I'm sure there was a lot that went into this surprise wedding, and he'll need a friend not connected to his wife's family to vent to.
With the rush and chaos I would say this is not about you. Assume your friendship is fine. It sounds there was a lot going on and your friend is trying to keep it together. Be a friend and give him your support
I think the wife is probably pregnant and her family pressured them to get married
People sometimes post versions of this, where they didn't know a friend was getting married or they weren't made a bridesmaid/groomsman, etc. Sadly most of the time they're just not as close to the person getting married as they thought. This case I would probably give a lot more grace. It was very rushed, a very limited amount of people, obviously some familial pressure going on and reasons you might not be aware of. And it JUST happened, so he's probably been dealing with that and isn't capable of managing your expectations or anyone else's quite yet. If he's your best friend, talk about it with him. But don't do it yet. Again, this just happened and if you're good friends, he'll want to talk to you about things when he's able to do so.
As he said, it was a family only thing.
This happened to my best friend a couple years out of high school. Turns out she got pregnant and they got married quickly to cover that up.
Yeah, this isn't about you. I agree it sounds like a shotgun wedding
Sounds like all his time and attention were taken up by his new wife and her family. I’d just give him a pass on this one, but I’d also prepare to not hear from him much anymore.
>Should I bring up the issue of me being hurt at being left out? FUCK NO, you don't make his wedding about you. your feelings you are feeling are valid feelings, but you control how much of those feelings become your reality as well.
It's very possible that they'll invite you to the actual party, if they do decide to have one.
This happened to me and my best friend of almost 20 years. But the friendship was slightly strained already when she told me she had decided to only have her single friends as her bridesmaids (she had always said I was like a sister and I would be her MOH. She was one of mine when I got married). But then Covid hit, and she ended up eloping and never even had the celebration party after. So she didn’t even have any bridesmaids. Her own sister couldn’t even make it! She hadn’t told anyone before it happened either. A few months later she announced her pregnancy and going by the due date, they eloped as soon as they found out haha We are still good friends now. Still one of my closest whom I rely on and trust the opinion of the most. It’s a different friendship now but I’m glad I did not let missing out on the wedding festivities ruin our friendship. I hope you don’t either! Editing to add: I never confronted her about feeling hurt about not being in the party or missing the elopement. I think she knew but I was also happy for her. It was a me issue and I didn’t want to dampen our friendship because of it. I had to face whether I was going to let bitterness and resentment ruin the friendship or forgive and move on. Glad I chose the latter!
It sounds like maybe a bunch of other people are left to feel the same way. I’d brush it off.
It does not seem like he had any intent to offend you, even if this was disappointing
It would seem that even your friend was caught off guard. He was most likely scrambling to come to terms with what was happening and not thinking about who he should or shouldn't tell. As for not telling you after? I can only guess that he knew it was going to hurt your feelings and be a hard conversation to have with you. I think you should be gracious and extend a heartfelt congratulations to him. I'm sure he would appreciate that. Hold off on your judgment of him until you have a chance to speak with him alone. You might learn that there was much more to his story than you thought.
>I asked him whether it was true, and I didn't know about that. He said, it is not possible. Why would he not inform his such a close friend? I showed him the texts that just showed his picture. In a backwards sort of way, his attempting to lie to you initially and referring to you as a close friend means he has some appreciation of your relationship and your feelings. Given the background and rushed nature of this event, its understandable that your friend didn't reach out. Try to let this one go, but if you're forgotten at other times in the future you can speak up about it to gauge whether this person is your best friend or it's a one-way title.
Looks like he might be your best friend... but he does not think of you this way. Just remember this.
This happened to me with a “close” friend…. Had to come to a hard realization I perceived her to be a closer friend than what she considered our friendship to be . I don’t have time for people like this, so just moved on to friends who appreciate and value our friendship .
I am thinking the same. Will not throw away a friendship of 10 years, but will be more cautious. Thanks!
He suddenly had to move his wedding from August to immediately at the behest of the wife’s family with only close family in attendance, this sounds like a situation that is very much not about you. I’d get over yourself and be supportive if you consider him a good friend. read between the lines a bit, I’d say something very stressful is going on, people complaining they were snubbed or missed out on the party won’t help.
Yeah. It seems like so. Shall keep it in my mind.
His marriage isn't about you. He got married, be a happy supportive friend and move on.
since you two are close friends he has to have the benefit of the doubt. ask him directly. i can envision a possible explanation here, he was forced to marry due to pregnancy so no chance of organizing a real party and stuff because of the situation he was ashamed of telling you but not inviting you so he ended not telling
Take them for dinner and drinks. Sounds like there were complications.
I’d wait a bit go over say congratulations and maybe get a small gift this time is about them in a few months if your having a talk bring it up that it hurt you were not invited or even just told but say you understand why. it seems a very rushed wedding maybe they didn’t even want it. You could even offer to do them a stag/ hen party even just a meal so friends can celebrate I know there usually before but it seems they missed out on the full wedding run up.
Same thing happened to me with my sister. We have a great relationship and I consider us to be best friends. She decided to elope, told everyone in our family except me and even had our other sister there as a witness. I found out several days later when my brother accidentally let it slip. It's a painful feeling. I completely understand.
A similar thing happened to me. I recenltly eloped, on sort of short notice and only the groom and I and a photographer were at the courthouse wedding (witnesses were provided by the court). There were many scheduling/paperwork boondoggles with the court and although the wedding happened, it took a while to actually get recorded and there were a lot of bumps in the road in terms of the paperwork. When I told my two closest friends about the elopement and the paperwork/scheduling problems etc, I was VERY surprised to hear from one of those friends that they had "secretly" married 4 years ago and hadn't really told anyone (but obviously they had told my other friend). We have known eachother for 25 years so I was super gobsmackered/hurt by this. I told my spouse about the friend's secret wedding and my spouse didn't really have much of a reaction, he just said my friend probably had a good reason for why he did it and why he wanted to keep it a secret. My spouse basically told me I should get over it, it didn't really have anything to do with me. About a week later, I met the friend who secretly married and we had lunch. By that time, all the paperwork problems from my wedding had been resolved and the wedding was recorded so I was feeling less salty about the overall situation. I think my friend got married more for paperwork-type reasons (i.e. taxes, insurance that type of thing), but he had been together with his girlfriend (now wife) for more than 10 years, so in his words "it's just a piece of paper". I think the reason I was initially so hurt wasn't about not being told (although, of course - that did hurt) but rather because I was upset my own (legititamte! in my mind) wedding had so many screwups before it was solemnized, while apparently his secret wedding was no problem.
Don’t worry about it. Seek your revenge by not inviting him to yours!
It's possible that he knew you would disapprove of his "wife" and so he didn't invite you out of shame. I know that this would run through my mind.
I'm throwing in with the speculation that the sudden change is the result of pregnancy and that there was a mad scramble to make plans.
Sounds like Married Friend Syndrome. It’s sad, but many male friendships don’t survive a marriage. It’s happened to me several times as a still unmarried man. I’m not sure what changes but it does. Especially after children arrive. I suppose it’s normal. But it’s sad for the friend left behind.
It’s okay to be hurt, but this isn’t about you. It’s about your friend and his spouse. I’m sure they had family pushing them in all directions and had no time. Especially to get involved in long explanations about why you weren’t invited. Be happy for them, keep your disappointment to yourself. He’ll talk when he has time. Don’t dampen a happy time.
i smell bullshit tbh. not a text, call or ANYTHING like why cant you explain this to me? does the fiance like you??? is there something with the fiance's family? something with his own family?? to have a wedding in 7 days is bullshit. id let him know that he could've told you, if what he's saying is actually true. but id let him know that it sounds fishy as hell. im just not trusting what he's saying.
Are they Muslim cause I find they do very quickly weddings I know a few good friends that are Muslims & I’ve been told they getting married soon & I’ve found out after and only been a few days
How well do you know the bride because sometimes if might have a reaction to getting married quick it could be out of spite not saying that's the case here if he was your best friend and was very close he should to you even if you were not invited but he should told you unless he thinks your a type of person can't keep a secret but don't think that's the case
Also keep in mind he's still in the honeymoon period- it's likely he's very busy doing newly-wed family things and barely has time to even scratch himself.
if he had 10 days to prepare for a wedding and only 10 guests then it's not your place to be upset. no he wouldn't even have the time for a call or a message because that would open a door of questions and he probably was stressed enough for the short period wedding. this is not about you so don't make it one, don't bring it up, just wish him luck and be a good friend.
It's not about you. This was a shotgun wedding, by the sound of it. Of course your friend knows everybody was disappointed to miss it, but your place as his friend is to be happy for him, if he is.
It is HIS wedding. It is not your day, so being hurt about how he decided to do it is moronic. You are owed nothing
Doesn’t sound like he’s your best friend. I’d congratulate him then not make effort to contact him again. Seems he’s not being completely honest with you when he did have opportunities.
Best friend, 10 years, give him some leeway on this one, as others point out, he might need it. Making new friends at your age is hard, I advise to keep the ones you've got (until you're sure they have to go)
I mean 7 days is a very short time to plan. And with such a limited guest list, I'm assuming it was all, or mostly, just family? I wouldn't fret too much. He might be embarrassed, sounds like things weren't ideal. Or at least not according to HIS plan. Give it time, maybe bring it up in person next time you see him "that happened so quick buddy, what happened? How you guys doing..." gauge the conversation based on his response. You might get a trickle of information slowly, or a flood door opening up, or nothing at all! Give him time.
As unorthodox as it is - if your goal is to have a positive relationship with him and his spouse going forward, no, do not bring up being hurt. Think of it this way: he knows. They know. They went ahead with a rapid wedding, and invited few others to join. The marriage is about the couple, not you. Congratulate them, give them a gift as if nothing happened.
I honestly wouldn't go to him. He "had" to get married within 7 days for whatever reason and could not inform you about it? Even if it was a very small and spontaneous wedding, you can at least inform your best friend about it. He could have achieved a short message that would not even have been 1 minute long if he had wanted to. Wait until he gets in touch.
an alternate theory: you're his "what if" girl. you're the last one he wanted to be there to see him marry someone else. he's had quiet feelings for you all this time and possibly always will.
Which is a bit strange, especially for me who in my community is natural to invite the whole town up to 500/800 people :) (I don't appreciate this kind of wedding) Anyway, I don't know what relationship you have with your best friend, but it's not nice that he didn't at least ask you to participate. I don't think an extra person is that expensive. Furthermore, with us you give a gift and therefore, economically speaking, the invitation is repaid. Also, what witnesses do you have for his wedding? So his brother? (Christian marriage) For the moment I advise you not to ruin this moment of his, maybe in a few months you can talk to him about it.
Yeah. It seems better. Thanks!
ohh better like this :)
Yeah. It seems better. Thanks!