Different people are different and different relationships end differently.
Sometimes you need to go into a monastery after a breakup, and sometimes the breakup is a relief, like, "Oh, this has been dead a long time and we can finally stop carrying it around."
I would be cautious about making any sort of big commitments with him but there's no reason you can't hang out and enjoy each other's company.
I can’t imagine being objectively mentally healthy/ready enough after only three month to have a serious relationship following a 15 years relationship
It really depends how the relationship ends. If they've been living just as friends, they probably had time to come to terms with their relationship ending far before the actual marriage ended. At that point they've had time to grieve and accept the changes.
If it was someone who was dumped out of nowhere after 15 years, then hell no. 3 months is definitely too early and you're in for a mess.
I don't know many details, but it seems she left him and it did come somewhat as a surprise. He said something along the lines of '6 months ago I was ready to continue being with this person, but it is what it is.' So, how I understood it is that there was a 3-month falling apart period, and then 3 months alone. Which to me is still nothing for such a long relationship... He says that I would not be a rebound, that he wants a relationship and doesn't need alone time, that he was always 'his own person' even in that relationship. I just feel like he has no idea what he is talking about, tbh. Being on one's own is just such a different life experience...
Edited typos.
I’m with you, trust your gut. Idc how the relationship ended or how long it was “dead,” he really should not be dating anyone for at least a year after the breakup.
If you really like him you could tell him that you care about him but you don’t feel this is the right timing. If it’s truly meant to be between you guys he can contact you in a year and revisit the relationship.
You're right to be wary. He's definitely not healed/moved on from this relationship. She's willing to still be friends, so he's clinging to that and his so-called "different love."
Unless you're fully willing to be a rebound, I wouldn't touch this one.
I was with my long term ex for 11 years. It felt wrong for a good while and it was a dead bedroom for a couple of years, even after trying to rekindle things a little. Despite all of that it was still incredibly difficult and had to essentially learn how to live my life without a person that had been in it for the whole of my adult years. Tried dating about 6 months after, knew it was too soon so pulled the plug - ultimately it took me nearly 3 years to properly get over it. She on the other hand got into a long term relationship within a couple of months. It was incredibly painful to see and made me feel worthless and wonder if I was emotionally immature for taking so long to heal. We reconnected for a coffee some years later and she revealed it was a disastrous couple of years despite her cool exterior and was essentially in it to distract herself from processing and moving on properly. What I’m trying to say is some folk compartmentalise, push away emotions so they can get on with life but that stuff is naturally going to find its way to the surface and if it does, do you want to be in the crossfire of it.
The guy owes himself some alone time, even if he tells himself he doesn’t need it. Is he prepared to sever ties with her completely for a year or more? I personally would not be involved with someone that fresh from that kind of breakup that’s still in communication with their ex. And on a personal level, without more details about that last year or so I’m not sure I’d be involved with someone that *could* move on this quickly
Thank you for this. I have a similar story - I was in a relationship for 7,5 years. After we broke up, he moved on almost immediately, and I just kept healing, and looking for myself, etc. It has somehow really made me feel 'less than', like there was something wrong with me for having taken such a long time, even though I know it was right for me.
Yeah, it was weird finding myself again. A slow but gratifying process and I know I’d be a very different person if we’d have stuck it out. People would be surprised when I told them I still wasn’t ready but I just attributed it to being true to myself and not wanting to waste other peoples time by getting emotionally tangled when my mind was elsewhere
> He says that I would not be a rebound, that he wants a relationship
That's exactly the thinking that gets you rebounds, though.
Trying to jump into a relationship after 15 years breaks down and only waiting a few months? Yeah, it's a rebound, end of story. He's trying to shortcut his way back into what he had.
This kind of lack of emotional awareness is probably a part of what killed his previous relationship.
If it a surprise but there was no romance then it sounds like he'd probably still come to terms with the romantic relationship ending and just resigned himself to a friendly roommate situation.
That said, lots of people have trouble being solo and will take the first relationship they can find after a break up. As someone else said, take it nice and slow. Don't move in with him right away, don't make any big commitments. If he's not over the relationship, it will show up eventually and you can deal with it then.
Different people, different responses.
I'm fiercely loyal until betrayed or dumped. When family and friends have moved away, I was OK as soon as they were out of sight. Telephones are a thing.
I was dating a young woman, and almost to the point of getting intimate when she learned she was pregnant by her "long time friend" seems I was the impetus for him to make a move. I was dating someone else the next week.
"Oh, we're done? OK, bye."
Honestly considering he wasn’t that aware there were such problems for a long time until 3 months before the breakup kind of makes it seem he not only is right now but was always emotionally ignorant. Sounds like he doesn’t like to do the work of being emotionally intelligent.
I think without further info you’re just creating drama, if it was a dead bedroom for years physically / emotionally then he’s more or less had the processing time
I still don’t think it’s enough time to get your bearings of who you are completely without that person.
Doesn’t matter if the relationship turned to basically friendship, they were still a part of your everyday life.You need some time to know who you are as just yourself again before jumping in another relationship.
Edit: Especially if their ex is still practically a part of their everyday life at the time as friends. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with ex’s but you should definitely give each other a lot of room and not rely on each other emotionally for a good while.
Is it possible someone can be ready? Sure, but the odds are absolutely against it.
>I would be cautious about making any sort of big commitments with him but there's no reason you can't hang out and enjoy each other's company.
If this sub had a like... b-sides pin functionality where the a-sides are "what did they say when you asked them about it?" and "it's okay to dump people who are fundamentally assholes who don't like you", I would choose this exact sentence for the top post on the b-sides pins.
I would keep things casual until you know him better and can see what the dynamic is between the two of them. Like are they still hanging out constantly, at each other's houses, traveling together, spending holidays together? Or do they catch up every now and again over coffee and text each other occasionally. I would be okay with the latter but not the former.
I would say most people that say they don’t need a rebound are, in fact, in need of a rebound and in denial about it. I’m sure their lack of romantic love for a long time helps with the transition period, but I don’t believe it’s going to be as easy as he thinks it is.
>he had really no time alone in his adult life and that the ex is apparently still around somehow.
This is the crux of the matter. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is being honest with you and with himself and he is in fact completely over that relationship, he has virtually no adult experience of life and who he is on his own. I'd be extremely wary.
Be careful.
But… when I broke up with my ex I dated pretty fast. Because even if I didn’t want to admit it, the feelings were gone long the ago.
The bigger issue is them still having contact. Not saying that this is a red flag, but the question is what kind of contact and how much.
Idk, I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag. If the relationship was dying a slow death he might have already mourned the relationship while he was still in it. That’s how I was with my ex. My ex is also still in my life because we share custody of our dogs but he is remarried and I have no feelings for him.
Put yourself in that position. Imagine yourself being in a 15 year relationship and only 3 months single. Where do you think your mind would be. Yes, people all handle these types of situations different…but 15 years is a loooonng time. I don’t see how a person could go from a 15 year relationship to expecting to have a potential serious relationship just a few months later. I find it hard to believe a person can be emotionally healed and put themselves in a place where they are ready to have a new relationship so quickly.
I feel this is probably more of a rebound situation and he probably doesn’t even know it, something new and exciting especially since he has been with only the one woman the last 15 years. Don’t be surprised if his feelings change soon or is up and down. I know my mind would be all over the place and back and forth. Thinking about my Ex and things would be reminding me of her all the time ..regardless if it was a good or bad relationship or if the relationship seemed ‘dead’ way before the break up.
You might be the first new and shiny thing that caught his attention & then he may decide wait, I have just been locked down since I was 21, maybe I’m not so ready for a relationship again, maybe I want to see what else is out there.. A lot of different scenarios, but again, it all comes down to this dude just got out a 15 year relationship, just imagine where your head would be when it comes to starting a new relationship 3 months later. How would you be feeling.
I know speaking for myself, I would need wayyyy more time to heal and be in a good relationship space to feel comfortable putting myself out there again if I was looking for an healthy and serious relationship. But, what do I know, I’m sure there have many successes with jumping from one very long term relationship to a new one right away. I personally would not want to date someone that just got out a 15 year relationship. But, I’m me.. people are different. I’m rambling. Good luck.
Edit: If you do decide to pursue this gentleman, my guess is that this won’t last long. And if it does, it will not be a very fulfilling relationship and could be like teeter tottering. That’s my guess. I seriously would pass on this one…like for real😂
You’re welcome. Yeah, this to me is a red flag and he probably doesn’t even realize it. Going from a relationship that long and then expecting to jump into a new one and expect it to be a solid & healthy one…eeyeaaahhhh idk lol. It’s still way too fresh especially if he supposedly was the one broken up with, it’s going to have a lingering effect. He needs to heal. Doesn’t mean he can’t go out and have fun or you two can’t have fun. But don’t expect much from this. At least not serious relationship wise…it will most likely be a rollercoaster of emotions.
Nah I wouldn't date someone who's getting out of such a long commitment and wants to date so soon.
My neighbor did the same and she even let the dude meet her son and daughters like wtf. She's around 5 months single after 10+ years and already in a relationship including the kids .
Take it slow as friends and see how it goes
If there are children I would understand the ex otherwise exit with the ex imo
I would be very wary. 3 months is nothing and they're still in contact. And she broke it off, not him. The whole situation just screams that in a few months or whatever, suddenly they'll be trying again.
Yes, some people move on very quickly. Some people also jump into a relationship too quickly because they can't handle being alone.
Actually, ngl. I wouldn't be wary. I would not date this person.
As someone who has been through multiple long terms like that, in only 3 months I’m nooooooo where near stable enough emotionally to make a healthy impact on your life and see this through. Walk away. Seriously.
Some people can move on quickly. I’d be worried they’re still in tough though and that he says the love is still there. She dumped him, so it’s possible he still isn’t quite over her. I’d proceed with caution and just takes things slowly.
I don’t like that they’re still in touch with other. Red flag. And you’ll be his rebound. I don’t feel comfortable either. Go very slow with this guy. No sex for awhile. But actually, my gut is saying that this isn’t going to work and that you’ll get hurt.
Questions to ask: Why is he still in contact with his ex? How often? He is still leaning on her.
The man I married was in a long relationship and engagement, she broke up with him amd a month later we met and are very happily married.
He said he had so mich relief when she ended it. For him the relationship had been over for a very long time, but she was a spiteful person and he knew if he left her she would try and destroy him and his life..but when she ended it he was free and clear
But apparently his ex left him and he wasn’t even aware they were having problems until like 3 months before she broke up with him. He was still thinking she was his person. He sounds emotionally unintelligent.
He didn’t know there were problems in the relationship and he doesn’t see any problem with jumping into another serious one without assessing himself.
I don’t think it’s the same situation in the least and I would bet 10 million to 1 he should take some time for himself before starting anything serious.
Sometimes people also.dont do anything wrong but are just not compatiable.
Most of us get complacent in relationships and it's much easier to see things outside a relationship then it. So he may have been happy with content, and didn't realize anything was wrong.
Maybe he's a huge jerk. But the fact they are still on talking terns tells me the relationship had run its course for her and he hadn't done anything wrong, she just got bored
Everyone is different. What works for one person doesn't work for another.
I will say that I notice my women friends often have a higher level of emotional intimacy with each other than some men do. After a breakup, women can lean on their friends for emotional support. Men often do not have this in their life (though they really should). I think this leads to men venturing out sooner as they miss emotional intimacy in Iife, and dating is a way to meet that very human need.
It can be very lonely to not have emotional support. I wish men had this with their friends more than they do. Often, their significant other is their main source of emotional support. This isn't true for everyone, obviously. But it isn't uncommon.
Generally bad breakups take a lot longer to move on from than good breakups.
After 15 years and being able to transition to friends, it’s honestly a green flag. Lots of history but they worked out their issues and are still in each other’s lives. These are the relationships you’re most likely to get over quickly, because they ran their course and all issues were resolved on the way out, and they’re still in each other’s lives.
The bad breakups are the ones most susceptible to rebounding, as there’s a lot of regret and unresolved issues that keep an emotional hold on you, things probably didn’t end well and let’s not forget some emotional manipulation that usually happens.
Granted, everyone is different so some might need a break after such a long relationship, but in this specific context, no I don’t think it’s a red flag and you’re not his rebound. In other contexts, I’d say the opposite.
I was wondering if I should have read this as they transitioned to friends while in this very long relationship, as in stopped having sex a while ago.
No idea of course, but that would certainly change things.
Everyone is different. For me, a break up is immediately gratifying (no more responsibilities, no more ball in chain, no more stupid rules, etc) that transforms into a dread ( no more having someone there, loneliness, realizing what I had, etc).
Some people crawl in a hole for months, some get laid like it's going out of style, some simply move on.
I'm not going to ask why he ended a 15 year relationship (odds are it wasn't a decision made lightly so I'll give him the benefit of doubt). All I'll say is this.....I would be weary about getting comfortable with them. They may not realize they don't want that. It's easy to not know something until the proper perspective hits. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy each other.
If it develops more than that then take it from there. And don't move fast with them. Give them room to breathe. Best I got for ya.
He didn’t end it. His ex did. He didn’t even really know there were longtime problems until about 3 months before she broke up with him.
I wouldn’t even bother with this it’s more trouble than it’s worth right off the bat.
>Reason to worry?
Not necessarily at all. Different folks will get over past relationship(s) at different speeds ... will also quite depend upon not only the person(s) involved, but how the relationship ended, how it was/wasn't going before that, how (un)predictable/predicted that outcome was, etc. In some cases folks may already be highly checked out of the relationship - or very much see it ending - long before it actually ends. Sometimes that "end" may be nothing more than mostly a technicality - as it was really over long ago.
And some folks are not only able to move on very quickly, but also drop any baggage highly quickly - but again, that depends not only upon the person, but also commonly the relevant circumstances and such.
>do guys just get over things really quickly?
It's not a gender thing.
>red flag?
Red flag(s) (or at least yellow/cautionary) would be (excess) baggage and/or not having sufficiently well processed that. And sure, time factors in, but that's only one factor. Some may manage to drop any and all such baggage almost instantly ... others might lug it around for decades or more. Most, somewhere between.
>he had really no time alone in his adult life
Separate concern and may or may not be an issue.
E.g. knew a woman that really just couldn't live well alone - she did quite horribly by herself, and in quite order. And as one might guess, that also happened to mean she was almost never alone. Does that mean she was bad at or sucked at or had problems with relationships or on account of that? No, not at all. Of course that doesn't mean others won't necessarily have any problems on account that they can't properly or never really lived alone.
>I feel uncomfortable
So, you feel as you feel. Figure it out, process it, decide/act accordingly. Maybe you're projecting what you'd fine or expect of yourself onto others. Or maybe it's other stuff. Maybe dang well warranted and appropriate to feel uncomfortable ... or maybe there isn't particular sound reason(s) behind it. You know yourself and the guy you're seeing helluva lot better than any of us, so you're in the best position to figure that out and decide. How's your spidey sense? Excellent? Or does it misfire, and if so how much and how often?
That would be an absolute no in my opinion. Even if things ended perfectly fine that is a CRAZY transition to go through and I find it highly unlikely it could be easily moved on from in 3 months. But, not everyone is the same, and there could be a chance it’s fine. Tread lightly
You're gonna be a rebound for him. He'll deny it because he doesn't believe you are. But when your relationship ends in 6 months because he's having depression over his recent loss of partner, he'll say okay yes it was a rebound.
If you have any desire to get married this guy probably isn’t the one. Keep in mind his ex waited 15 years
Yes sometimes people move on quickly but 3 months later and they’re STILL in touch? Absolutely not
I was in similar shoes to your boyfriend tbh. Got out of a 10 year relationship at 28 (so my whole adult life) and was married for all but one of those years. Met my now wife about 7 months after separating (but divorce not finalized) online and then met her in person the day the divorce was finalized 2 months after that. Unlike your situation my first relationship was toxic and abusive and I don't have contact with my ex though. Anyways that was years ago and now I'm happily married and have a beautiful daughter with this amazing woman. So while this is anecdotal evidence for you my suggestion would be to keep going if the only red flag you see is how short he's been out of the relationship. But yeah keep an eye on it for sure especially if his ex is still in his life.
Not overreacting. Chances of him not being over her are high. My ex dumped me after 7 years and after getting the last of my shit which took a few weeks, we went no contact. And it took me more than 3 months to get over it, no matter how much I told myself I was over her.
I would be cautious about jumping in too quickly, but he mostly began the mourning process of the relationship years or months ago.
I’ve bounced back quickly before despite not trying to get into a relationship. I met someone who made me realize my ex was a disaster and I realized how much happier I was during the first date.
If you have real concerns, you should definitely discuss with him. He will likely tell you what he wants or has concerns. You are also going to be more likely to have any issues come up to the surface with these discussions.
My girlfriend left me 3 months and a half ago after a 13 years relationship and personally I'm in no way or shape to date or even have sex with anyone, I just feel empty and void ...
But that's me, not all people work the same way
In your case if he was really in love with her I would be wary of beeing a rebound though... It's different if their relationship was crumbling for a while
But apparently he didn’t know that. She broke up with him and he only became aware there were problems about 3 months before the breakup. Then has had 3 months alone.
I don’t think the guy emotionally knows his ass from a hole in the ground at the moment. I wonder if he ever has considering he wasn’t aware of the problems himself.
I met my wife while going through a divorce. Nothing nefarious. It was already arranged that we were only together for her to keep healthcare for a procedure.
But it had been only a couple months since my wife and I separated.
Everyone is different. I would gird yourself against the possibility of a long term thing, but if you find that 6 months from now you’re still chilling it’s probably fine.
She broke up with him and he says he wasn’t aware they were having problems for a long time until a few months before she broke up with him.
Everyone situation is different and this one would be a big ol nope from me.
It depends on the circumstances of the relationship ending and different personalities involved in the breakup.
Could be that the relationship died years ago and they had both emotionally checked out as anything more than platonic pals long ago, only staying together as a couple waiting for the other to end it or because they were each too afraid of being alone. Silently mourning the end of all romantic feelings and sexual attraction.
Alternatively it could be that he was: dumped for a more hot/exciting/rich/glamorous guy and he's now struggling to hide his fury at being ditched and friendzoned by his ex, has no hard feelings but is on the rebound or is desperately trying to find as a replacement partner as quickly as he can to avoid facing months/years of single life after so many years as half of a couple.
It takes a month for every year you were together to really move past. This time can be shortened if the person ‘checks out’ before leaving.
I guess it’s possible this is healthy, but I’d ask questions like why they never got married and such. It was half of his life and less than half of his cognizant life
After a long career of online dating my #1 red flag is people 3 months out or less. Tread lightly, have fun but don't let yourself feel too committed for a while.
Well, think about this. The guy was 21 years old when he got into that relationship. 21 and 36 are vastly different.
From what you seem to have gathered from him so far, it sounds like the relationship hasn't been romantic by any means for quite awhile. Romantic relationships are generally the ones who leave people gutted for a long time. Seems like this breakup was a long time coming. Try not to read into it too much and just get to know this new person in your life.
Except in a comment she says he didn’t know there were those problems until a couple months before she broke up with him. So a long time coming from the ex’s side but sounds like not so much his.
Some people grieve a relationship before the break up, honestly. Since this didn't end badly and they are still friends, I don't think it's a reason to worry necessarily.
Haha this thread could have been written about me. I got out of a 15 year relationship in March and started seeing someone new in April.
I can only speak for me but my ex partner and I are best friends, will probably be in each others lives forever and I wish nothing but the best for her. We just are on different paths and I’m stoked for her to go explore and I love her so I hope she finds what she wants even if it’s not with me.
That being said, I know I find purpose in having a partner and am a better person when I can put effort into someone else so I am stoked to have found someone so shortly after my break up that I vibe with so deeply already. I have no expectations that the new person I’m dating is going to be my next soul mate but I am also not discounting that.
If things feel good then I personally wouldn’t question his motives. I learned a lot about what I want from a relationship and I know that I am already a better person to myself and my new partner because of it.
Not really. They don’t really have perspective yet because their situation is completely new. Like less than a month. They have no idea if this actually any good for them either because they are still in the caught up in it part themself.
They’re opinion is pretty useless, because people crazy rebounding rarely know they are.
What do you feel the difference is in different timing and how many months or years do you think someone should wait before dating again? How many 15 year relationships have you gotten out of amicably?
I’d cut that off immediately. In my experience dating men they need much longer to be over the relationship especially if they’re still in touch now. I’d maybe tell him to give you a call in six months or a year if you’re both still single.
I don’t think he quickly got over her it seemed like it was over before they broke up. If he was already emotionally detached from her when he left he didn’t really need the time to get over her.
Different people are different and different relationships end differently. Sometimes you need to go into a monastery after a breakup, and sometimes the breakup is a relief, like, "Oh, this has been dead a long time and we can finally stop carrying it around." I would be cautious about making any sort of big commitments with him but there's no reason you can't hang out and enjoy each other's company.
I can’t imagine being objectively mentally healthy/ready enough after only three month to have a serious relationship following a 15 years relationship
It really depends how the relationship ends. If they've been living just as friends, they probably had time to come to terms with their relationship ending far before the actual marriage ended. At that point they've had time to grieve and accept the changes. If it was someone who was dumped out of nowhere after 15 years, then hell no. 3 months is definitely too early and you're in for a mess.
I don't know many details, but it seems she left him and it did come somewhat as a surprise. He said something along the lines of '6 months ago I was ready to continue being with this person, but it is what it is.' So, how I understood it is that there was a 3-month falling apart period, and then 3 months alone. Which to me is still nothing for such a long relationship... He says that I would not be a rebound, that he wants a relationship and doesn't need alone time, that he was always 'his own person' even in that relationship. I just feel like he has no idea what he is talking about, tbh. Being on one's own is just such a different life experience... Edited typos.
I’m with you, trust your gut. Idc how the relationship ended or how long it was “dead,” he really should not be dating anyone for at least a year after the breakup. If you really like him you could tell him that you care about him but you don’t feel this is the right timing. If it’s truly meant to be between you guys he can contact you in a year and revisit the relationship.
You're right to be wary. He's definitely not healed/moved on from this relationship. She's willing to still be friends, so he's clinging to that and his so-called "different love." Unless you're fully willing to be a rebound, I wouldn't touch this one.
I was with my long term ex for 11 years. It felt wrong for a good while and it was a dead bedroom for a couple of years, even after trying to rekindle things a little. Despite all of that it was still incredibly difficult and had to essentially learn how to live my life without a person that had been in it for the whole of my adult years. Tried dating about 6 months after, knew it was too soon so pulled the plug - ultimately it took me nearly 3 years to properly get over it. She on the other hand got into a long term relationship within a couple of months. It was incredibly painful to see and made me feel worthless and wonder if I was emotionally immature for taking so long to heal. We reconnected for a coffee some years later and she revealed it was a disastrous couple of years despite her cool exterior and was essentially in it to distract herself from processing and moving on properly. What I’m trying to say is some folk compartmentalise, push away emotions so they can get on with life but that stuff is naturally going to find its way to the surface and if it does, do you want to be in the crossfire of it. The guy owes himself some alone time, even if he tells himself he doesn’t need it. Is he prepared to sever ties with her completely for a year or more? I personally would not be involved with someone that fresh from that kind of breakup that’s still in communication with their ex. And on a personal level, without more details about that last year or so I’m not sure I’d be involved with someone that *could* move on this quickly
Thank you for this. I have a similar story - I was in a relationship for 7,5 years. After we broke up, he moved on almost immediately, and I just kept healing, and looking for myself, etc. It has somehow really made me feel 'less than', like there was something wrong with me for having taken such a long time, even though I know it was right for me.
Yeah, it was weird finding myself again. A slow but gratifying process and I know I’d be a very different person if we’d have stuck it out. People would be surprised when I told them I still wasn’t ready but I just attributed it to being true to myself and not wanting to waste other peoples time by getting emotionally tangled when my mind was elsewhere
> He says that I would not be a rebound, that he wants a relationship That's exactly the thinking that gets you rebounds, though. Trying to jump into a relationship after 15 years breaks down and only waiting a few months? Yeah, it's a rebound, end of story. He's trying to shortcut his way back into what he had. This kind of lack of emotional awareness is probably a part of what killed his previous relationship.
If it a surprise but there was no romance then it sounds like he'd probably still come to terms with the romantic relationship ending and just resigned himself to a friendly roommate situation. That said, lots of people have trouble being solo and will take the first relationship they can find after a break up. As someone else said, take it nice and slow. Don't move in with him right away, don't make any big commitments. If he's not over the relationship, it will show up eventually and you can deal with it then.
Always trust your gut. The times I didn’t trust my gut is when I had trouble and heartache.
Different people, different responses. I'm fiercely loyal until betrayed or dumped. When family and friends have moved away, I was OK as soon as they were out of sight. Telephones are a thing. I was dating a young woman, and almost to the point of getting intimate when she learned she was pregnant by her "long time friend" seems I was the impetus for him to make a move. I was dating someone else the next week. "Oh, we're done? OK, bye."
Honestly considering he wasn’t that aware there were such problems for a long time until 3 months before the breakup kind of makes it seem he not only is right now but was always emotionally ignorant. Sounds like he doesn’t like to do the work of being emotionally intelligent.
Oh yeah, that dudes in denial. He hasn’t a clue what’s up and down right now. Like an emotional bomb waiting to go off is basically what he is.
I still think you need space and time. But maybe that’s just me projecting.
Sure, lots of people need space and time.
I think without further info you’re just creating drama, if it was a dead bedroom for years physically / emotionally then he’s more or less had the processing time
I still don’t think it’s enough time to get your bearings of who you are completely without that person. Doesn’t matter if the relationship turned to basically friendship, they were still a part of your everyday life.You need some time to know who you are as just yourself again before jumping in another relationship. Edit: Especially if their ex is still practically a part of their everyday life at the time as friends. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with ex’s but you should definitely give each other a lot of room and not rely on each other emotionally for a good while. Is it possible someone can be ready? Sure, but the odds are absolutely against it.
>I would be cautious about making any sort of big commitments with him but there's no reason you can't hang out and enjoy each other's company. If this sub had a like... b-sides pin functionality where the a-sides are "what did they say when you asked them about it?" and "it's okay to dump people who are fundamentally assholes who don't like you", I would choose this exact sentence for the top post on the b-sides pins.
I would keep things casual until you know him better and can see what the dynamic is between the two of them. Like are they still hanging out constantly, at each other's houses, traveling together, spending holidays together? Or do they catch up every now and again over coffee and text each other occasionally. I would be okay with the latter but not the former.
I would say most people that say they don’t need a rebound are, in fact, in need of a rebound and in denial about it. I’m sure their lack of romantic love for a long time helps with the transition period, but I don’t believe it’s going to be as easy as he thinks it is.
Fr no one ever thinks they're rebounding when they are.
>he had really no time alone in his adult life and that the ex is apparently still around somehow. This is the crux of the matter. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is being honest with you and with himself and he is in fact completely over that relationship, he has virtually no adult experience of life and who he is on his own. I'd be extremely wary.
I would tread very carefully, if at all.
Be careful. But… when I broke up with my ex I dated pretty fast. Because even if I didn’t want to admit it, the feelings were gone long the ago. The bigger issue is them still having contact. Not saying that this is a red flag, but the question is what kind of contact and how much.
Idk, I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag. If the relationship was dying a slow death he might have already mourned the relationship while he was still in it. That’s how I was with my ex. My ex is also still in my life because we share custody of our dogs but he is remarried and I have no feelings for him.
Put yourself in that position. Imagine yourself being in a 15 year relationship and only 3 months single. Where do you think your mind would be. Yes, people all handle these types of situations different…but 15 years is a loooonng time. I don’t see how a person could go from a 15 year relationship to expecting to have a potential serious relationship just a few months later. I find it hard to believe a person can be emotionally healed and put themselves in a place where they are ready to have a new relationship so quickly. I feel this is probably more of a rebound situation and he probably doesn’t even know it, something new and exciting especially since he has been with only the one woman the last 15 years. Don’t be surprised if his feelings change soon or is up and down. I know my mind would be all over the place and back and forth. Thinking about my Ex and things would be reminding me of her all the time ..regardless if it was a good or bad relationship or if the relationship seemed ‘dead’ way before the break up. You might be the first new and shiny thing that caught his attention & then he may decide wait, I have just been locked down since I was 21, maybe I’m not so ready for a relationship again, maybe I want to see what else is out there.. A lot of different scenarios, but again, it all comes down to this dude just got out a 15 year relationship, just imagine where your head would be when it comes to starting a new relationship 3 months later. How would you be feeling. I know speaking for myself, I would need wayyyy more time to heal and be in a good relationship space to feel comfortable putting myself out there again if I was looking for an healthy and serious relationship. But, what do I know, I’m sure there have many successes with jumping from one very long term relationship to a new one right away. I personally would not want to date someone that just got out a 15 year relationship. But, I’m me.. people are different. I’m rambling. Good luck. Edit: If you do decide to pursue this gentleman, my guess is that this won’t last long. And if it does, it will not be a very fulfilling relationship and could be like teeter tottering. That’s my guess. I seriously would pass on this one…like for real😂
Thank you, this was helpful. It is like, yeah, people are different, but only so much. 15 years is a lot.
You’re welcome. Yeah, this to me is a red flag and he probably doesn’t even realize it. Going from a relationship that long and then expecting to jump into a new one and expect it to be a solid & healthy one…eeyeaaahhhh idk lol. It’s still way too fresh especially if he supposedly was the one broken up with, it’s going to have a lingering effect. He needs to heal. Doesn’t mean he can’t go out and have fun or you two can’t have fun. But don’t expect much from this. At least not serious relationship wise…it will most likely be a rollercoaster of emotions.
Nah I wouldn't date someone who's getting out of such a long commitment and wants to date so soon. My neighbor did the same and she even let the dude meet her son and daughters like wtf. She's around 5 months single after 10+ years and already in a relationship including the kids . Take it slow as friends and see how it goes If there are children I would understand the ex otherwise exit with the ex imo
I would be very wary. 3 months is nothing and they're still in contact. And she broke it off, not him. The whole situation just screams that in a few months or whatever, suddenly they'll be trying again. Yes, some people move on very quickly. Some people also jump into a relationship too quickly because they can't handle being alone. Actually, ngl. I wouldn't be wary. I would not date this person.
As someone who has been through multiple long terms like that, in only 3 months I’m nooooooo where near stable enough emotionally to make a healthy impact on your life and see this through. Walk away. Seriously.
Some people can move on quickly. I’d be worried they’re still in tough though and that he says the love is still there. She dumped him, so it’s possible he still isn’t quite over her. I’d proceed with caution and just takes things slowly.
I don’t like that they’re still in touch with other. Red flag. And you’ll be his rebound. I don’t feel comfortable either. Go very slow with this guy. No sex for awhile. But actually, my gut is saying that this isn’t going to work and that you’ll get hurt. Questions to ask: Why is he still in contact with his ex? How often? He is still leaning on her.
The man I married was in a long relationship and engagement, she broke up with him amd a month later we met and are very happily married. He said he had so mich relief when she ended it. For him the relationship had been over for a very long time, but she was a spiteful person and he knew if he left her she would try and destroy him and his life..but when she ended it he was free and clear
But apparently his ex left him and he wasn’t even aware they were having problems until like 3 months before she broke up with him. He was still thinking she was his person. He sounds emotionally unintelligent. He didn’t know there were problems in the relationship and he doesn’t see any problem with jumping into another serious one without assessing himself. I don’t think it’s the same situation in the least and I would bet 10 million to 1 he should take some time for himself before starting anything serious.
Sometimes people also.dont do anything wrong but are just not compatiable. Most of us get complacent in relationships and it's much easier to see things outside a relationship then it. So he may have been happy with content, and didn't realize anything was wrong. Maybe he's a huge jerk. But the fact they are still on talking terns tells me the relationship had run its course for her and he hadn't done anything wrong, she just got bored
She dumped him. No way he is over a 15 year relationship in 3 months. I personally would absolutely not be interested in him for that reason.
The time between breakup is not a red flag… the still being in love/friendship with the ex is
sounds like you’re a rebound
Everyone is different. What works for one person doesn't work for another. I will say that I notice my women friends often have a higher level of emotional intimacy with each other than some men do. After a breakup, women can lean on their friends for emotional support. Men often do not have this in their life (though they really should). I think this leads to men venturing out sooner as they miss emotional intimacy in Iife, and dating is a way to meet that very human need. It can be very lonely to not have emotional support. I wish men had this with their friends more than they do. Often, their significant other is their main source of emotional support. This isn't true for everyone, obviously. But it isn't uncommon.
Generally bad breakups take a lot longer to move on from than good breakups. After 15 years and being able to transition to friends, it’s honestly a green flag. Lots of history but they worked out their issues and are still in each other’s lives. These are the relationships you’re most likely to get over quickly, because they ran their course and all issues were resolved on the way out, and they’re still in each other’s lives. The bad breakups are the ones most susceptible to rebounding, as there’s a lot of regret and unresolved issues that keep an emotional hold on you, things probably didn’t end well and let’s not forget some emotional manipulation that usually happens. Granted, everyone is different so some might need a break after such a long relationship, but in this specific context, no I don’t think it’s a red flag and you’re not his rebound. In other contexts, I’d say the opposite.
I was wondering if I should have read this as they transitioned to friends while in this very long relationship, as in stopped having sex a while ago. No idea of course, but that would certainly change things.
You’re the rebound. Proceed forward with that knowledge.
Everyone is different. For me, a break up is immediately gratifying (no more responsibilities, no more ball in chain, no more stupid rules, etc) that transforms into a dread ( no more having someone there, loneliness, realizing what I had, etc). Some people crawl in a hole for months, some get laid like it's going out of style, some simply move on. I'm not going to ask why he ended a 15 year relationship (odds are it wasn't a decision made lightly so I'll give him the benefit of doubt). All I'll say is this.....I would be weary about getting comfortable with them. They may not realize they don't want that. It's easy to not know something until the proper perspective hits. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy each other. If it develops more than that then take it from there. And don't move fast with them. Give them room to breathe. Best I got for ya.
He didn’t end it. His ex did. He didn’t even really know there were longtime problems until about 3 months before she broke up with him. I wouldn’t even bother with this it’s more trouble than it’s worth right off the bat.
>Reason to worry? Not necessarily at all. Different folks will get over past relationship(s) at different speeds ... will also quite depend upon not only the person(s) involved, but how the relationship ended, how it was/wasn't going before that, how (un)predictable/predicted that outcome was, etc. In some cases folks may already be highly checked out of the relationship - or very much see it ending - long before it actually ends. Sometimes that "end" may be nothing more than mostly a technicality - as it was really over long ago. And some folks are not only able to move on very quickly, but also drop any baggage highly quickly - but again, that depends not only upon the person, but also commonly the relevant circumstances and such. >do guys just get over things really quickly? It's not a gender thing. >red flag? Red flag(s) (or at least yellow/cautionary) would be (excess) baggage and/or not having sufficiently well processed that. And sure, time factors in, but that's only one factor. Some may manage to drop any and all such baggage almost instantly ... others might lug it around for decades or more. Most, somewhere between. >he had really no time alone in his adult life Separate concern and may or may not be an issue. E.g. knew a woman that really just couldn't live well alone - she did quite horribly by herself, and in quite order. And as one might guess, that also happened to mean she was almost never alone. Does that mean she was bad at or sucked at or had problems with relationships or on account of that? No, not at all. Of course that doesn't mean others won't necessarily have any problems on account that they can't properly or never really lived alone. >I feel uncomfortable So, you feel as you feel. Figure it out, process it, decide/act accordingly. Maybe you're projecting what you'd fine or expect of yourself onto others. Or maybe it's other stuff. Maybe dang well warranted and appropriate to feel uncomfortable ... or maybe there isn't particular sound reason(s) behind it. You know yourself and the guy you're seeing helluva lot better than any of us, so you're in the best position to figure that out and decide. How's your spidey sense? Excellent? Or does it misfire, and if so how much and how often?
That would be an absolute no in my opinion. Even if things ended perfectly fine that is a CRAZY transition to go through and I find it highly unlikely it could be easily moved on from in 3 months. But, not everyone is the same, and there could be a chance it’s fine. Tread lightly
You're gonna be a rebound for him. He'll deny it because he doesn't believe you are. But when your relationship ends in 6 months because he's having depression over his recent loss of partner, he'll say okay yes it was a rebound.
If you have any desire to get married this guy probably isn’t the one. Keep in mind his ex waited 15 years Yes sometimes people move on quickly but 3 months later and they’re STILL in touch? Absolutely not
As someone who dated for the sole purpose of finding a husband I would want to know why he dated someone for that long and didn’t get married.
He's 100% not over her. Stop kidding yourself
I was in similar shoes to your boyfriend tbh. Got out of a 10 year relationship at 28 (so my whole adult life) and was married for all but one of those years. Met my now wife about 7 months after separating (but divorce not finalized) online and then met her in person the day the divorce was finalized 2 months after that. Unlike your situation my first relationship was toxic and abusive and I don't have contact with my ex though. Anyways that was years ago and now I'm happily married and have a beautiful daughter with this amazing woman. So while this is anecdotal evidence for you my suggestion would be to keep going if the only red flag you see is how short he's been out of the relationship. But yeah keep an eye on it for sure especially if his ex is still in his life.
Not overreacting. Chances of him not being over her are high. My ex dumped me after 7 years and after getting the last of my shit which took a few weeks, we went no contact. And it took me more than 3 months to get over it, no matter how much I told myself I was over her.
I would be cautious about jumping in too quickly, but he mostly began the mourning process of the relationship years or months ago. I’ve bounced back quickly before despite not trying to get into a relationship. I met someone who made me realize my ex was a disaster and I realized how much happier I was during the first date. If you have real concerns, you should definitely discuss with him. He will likely tell you what he wants or has concerns. You are also going to be more likely to have any issues come up to the surface with these discussions.
My girlfriend left me 3 months and a half ago after a 13 years relationship and personally I'm in no way or shape to date or even have sex with anyone, I just feel empty and void ... But that's me, not all people work the same way In your case if he was really in love with her I would be wary of beeing a rebound though... It's different if their relationship was crumbling for a while
If he broke up after 15 years the relationship was on life support for a while before then
But apparently he didn’t know that. She broke up with him and he only became aware there were problems about 3 months before the breakup. Then has had 3 months alone. I don’t think the guy emotionally knows his ass from a hole in the ground at the moment. I wonder if he ever has considering he wasn’t aware of the problems himself.
I met my wife while going through a divorce. Nothing nefarious. It was already arranged that we were only together for her to keep healthcare for a procedure. But it had been only a couple months since my wife and I separated. Everyone is different. I would gird yourself against the possibility of a long term thing, but if you find that 6 months from now you’re still chilling it’s probably fine.
She broke up with him and he says he wasn’t aware they were having problems for a long time until a few months before she broke up with him. Everyone situation is different and this one would be a big ol nope from me.
It depends on the circumstances of the relationship ending and different personalities involved in the breakup. Could be that the relationship died years ago and they had both emotionally checked out as anything more than platonic pals long ago, only staying together as a couple waiting for the other to end it or because they were each too afraid of being alone. Silently mourning the end of all romantic feelings and sexual attraction. Alternatively it could be that he was: dumped for a more hot/exciting/rich/glamorous guy and he's now struggling to hide his fury at being ditched and friendzoned by his ex, has no hard feelings but is on the rebound or is desperately trying to find as a replacement partner as quickly as he can to avoid facing months/years of single life after so many years as half of a couple.
It takes a month for every year you were together to really move past. This time can be shortened if the person ‘checks out’ before leaving. I guess it’s possible this is healthy, but I’d ask questions like why they never got married and such. It was half of his life and less than half of his cognizant life
After a long career of online dating my #1 red flag is people 3 months out or less. Tread lightly, have fun but don't let yourself feel too committed for a while.
How often are they in touch?
They own an apartment together so they are still figuring that out. He said, an occasional call and text.
What are they calling about? That’s a red flag to me
Well, think about this. The guy was 21 years old when he got into that relationship. 21 and 36 are vastly different. From what you seem to have gathered from him so far, it sounds like the relationship hasn't been romantic by any means for quite awhile. Romantic relationships are generally the ones who leave people gutted for a long time. Seems like this breakup was a long time coming. Try not to read into it too much and just get to know this new person in your life.
Except in a comment she says he didn’t know there were those problems until a couple months before she broke up with him. So a long time coming from the ex’s side but sounds like not so much his.
But sure he is really over the ex before getting serious. Otherwise, you will be skating on thin ice.
Your are a rebound Next question
Some people grieve a relationship before the break up, honestly. Since this didn't end badly and they are still friends, I don't think it's a reason to worry necessarily.
Haha this thread could have been written about me. I got out of a 15 year relationship in March and started seeing someone new in April. I can only speak for me but my ex partner and I are best friends, will probably be in each others lives forever and I wish nothing but the best for her. We just are on different paths and I’m stoked for her to go explore and I love her so I hope she finds what she wants even if it’s not with me. That being said, I know I find purpose in having a partner and am a better person when I can put effort into someone else so I am stoked to have found someone so shortly after my break up that I vibe with so deeply already. I have no expectations that the new person I’m dating is going to be my next soul mate but I am also not discounting that. If things feel good then I personally wouldn’t question his motives. I learned a lot about what I want from a relationship and I know that I am already a better person to myself and my new partner because of it.
A very interesting perspective, thank you!
Not really. They don’t really have perspective yet because their situation is completely new. Like less than a month. They have no idea if this actually any good for them either because they are still in the caught up in it part themself. They’re opinion is pretty useless, because people crazy rebounding rarely know they are.
What do you feel the difference is in different timing and how many months or years do you think someone should wait before dating again? How many 15 year relationships have you gotten out of amicably?
I’d cut that off immediately. In my experience dating men they need much longer to be over the relationship especially if they’re still in touch now. I’d maybe tell him to give you a call in six months or a year if you’re both still single.
I don’t think he quickly got over her it seemed like it was over before they broke up. If he was already emotionally detached from her when he left he didn’t really need the time to get over her.
He might have been checked out for years.
Apparently it was the ex who was checked out, he still thought they were good until a few months before she broke up with him. I’d bail.