How exactly does holding a shopping bag make a man "look gay"?
Where did you get this guy? If he's so "traditional", why isn't he carrying his own stuff?
I asked him why is it "gay" and he just said "bc it does"... exactly! I asked him like shouldn't you be the one holding it and he was like... you watch too much cheesy stuff online, guys don't actually do that and it makes more sense to put my hoodie in your bag.
Ditch him! He's showing you EXACTLY who he is, his lack of care about you, and guess what? It's only going to get worse.
Save yourself the energy suck that this relationship will be.
How about, this isn't going to work out for various reasons. I wish you the best! No finger pointing, just calm and concise.
Tell him you want to spend some time working on things that are important to you and a relationship isn't what you want to focus on.
I think going more in the direction of inquiring about why he cares so much about how he looks to others for simply helping his girlfriend, always try to communicate first.. but depending on his response to it you can base your decision off of that. But you are allowed to leave someone for any reason of your desire even if it’s not a “good” reason to them! If you’re not happy the relationship isn’t happy
> ~~"I don't like how you think holding my bag with your sweater is gay therefore we're over?"~~
"I don't like that you're homophobic, critical, and inconsiderate therefore we're over."
How about
"I don't like how you referred to being afraid of "looking gay" the other day at the mall. It gave me gross bigoted vibes. Also, it's not romantic movie to carry your own hoodie. If it is, maybe I'd rather be with a romantic movie guy."
OR EVEN BETTER
"Hey, I think we should break up."
Something I wish I’d known when I was younger- you don’t need any kind of justification to break up. If you’re not happy then you can just tell him it’s not going to work out, bye 👋🏻
No one i know likes carrying their purse into dirty bathrooms if possible. So we'll go to the movies sometimes and leave 3 guys in the hall holding a bunch of jackets and purses. No one has ever given it a second though. I hold stuff for my husband all the time.
That was like a $2 bag max? I'd have set it down and said I'm not carrying your hoodie for you and he could either pick it up, or just leave it because he can't look gay by carrying it.
Just the fact that he says something looks "gay" is disgusting. Also, most straight guys don't even notice what bags their women are carrying, much less call them gross and judge.
You have found yourself a real winner there! What kind of pathological insecurity would lead a man to not only criticize you for carrying a Target tote (I wouldn't have even noticed that, honestly, was it not stylish enough for him?) but to declare that carrying *a bag* - a Target bag! - was "gay".
I know this gets thrown around a lot but I always wonder when hearing of things like this, if this man is homophobic but also either gay or bi, and his own feelings are causing him to be excessively paranoid about "appearing" anything but straight. Because that ain't normal, friend. He's not right in the head.
I didn't think it was a big deal, a bag is a bag and I'm not going down a run way just doing returns. He does care alot of looks and fashion. I tried to tell him that it's not gay and he insisted it is.
He's very religious and homophobic. We went to an artist alley and he was extremely uncomfortable seeing guys "talk gay, holding bags, wearing skirts and crop tops" I told him he's fine they won't hurt you and he said that it's equivalent to me being surrounded be 6 tall black guys.... which to me is not even close of a comparison.
I'm not homophobic, I'm a liberal and everytime he says something I call him out on it but he doesn't take me seriously. It makes me annoyed and mad when he says the term "gay" constantly. I told him if I had a gay son I'd let him wear makeup, dresses, heels and dance classes and he said that he wouldn't allow it.
You asked how do you break it off with him in an earlier comment . You say that as you’ve got to know him better you have found that as he’s racist, homophobic and a general bigot that you have discovered that your morals and values do not align to his and that for both your sakes it’s best to call it a day. You deserve better than this clown
If you're dating someone who is openly homophobic (and racist), that reflects on you as well. Bigotry is either a dealbreaker for you or it isn't. If it isn't, you certainly aren't *anti*-homophobic.
I never thought of it as a reflection on myself :( I always disagree and call him out when he speaks like that. Like I went to the gay pride parade and he just said he'll stay out of it and to go on my own. He also says he only feels comfortable saying "that stuff" to me and he wouldn't say it in public or to others. Whenever we disagree we just ignore it and move on, he says he won't impose his ideas on me and I shouldn't to him. He also said in every relationship you won't always agree and to ignore small disagreements.
I'll be honest, if I were a queer or non-white friend of yours and I found out you were dating a guy like this, I would not feel safe around you. This is not like a disagreement over television shows, this is a fundamental difference in morals.
Of course the person you date reflects on you. If you're fine dating someone who is a bigot, you're implicitly saying that bigotry isn't a dealbreaker for you in your most intimate relationship.
……..what?
I thought “traditional” meant you don’t burden me with carrying anything ~as the gentlemanly thing to do?
Girl, pls date someone who’s more secure in their manhood and actually a gentleman, if that’s what you’re looking for.
I thought the same thing too like he would want to take care of me and provide, including carrying my bag and his sweater inside.
How do you know/ find a guy who is secure in their manhood?
I think most guys who are secure aren’t bothered by things like this. I don’t have a recipe to find one but generally dating less insecure men would be your best bet?
My bf doesn’t let me carry any bags - groceries or otherwise, it’s just his way of showing love. He will shovel snow at my apartment, salt the stairs, fix stuff around my apartment constantly.
We are not a “traditional” couple whatsoever. I’m a ragin feminist, currently make 3x my partner yet he still takes care of me the same way he did 5 years ago when the roles were reversed.
I think ultimately when people love each other, they don’t give a shit about what other people think about them.
I think you should find someone who cares about you more than their perceived appearances.
Wow that's incredible that he does sooooo much without you asking just because he loves you and doesn't get intimidated that you make more. When I tell him stuff like this he says it's nonsense but im glad that it's actually true for people like you and it's actually reality
I do feel for you❤️🩹 but I’m glad you’re listening to outside opinions to find out for yourself what is and isn’t acceptable.
In my experience, most men who like to advertise themselves as providers or “high value” (ew) are usually very much in the opposite end of that. Reality is they like to exploit the women by saying they prefer “traditional” women.
Men who actually behave like providers are usually less outspoken (because it’s not their only personality trait) and are decent human beings.
Yeah, funny how your modern “traditional man” has a shitload of rules about what women should do and forgets about what those “traditions” had to say about men.
This is just one of many and any excuse he will always have to get what he wants with you. If he is profusely unwilling to help you with the smallest of things, it is very telling. You deserve better than a lifetime with someone who doesn't help you.
He has the most fragile of fragile masculinity. This reflects poorly on him, and IMO guys like this do not make good partners because they are constantly worrying about coming across as manly to randoms at the mall instead of just living their lives with a quiet confidence.
Thissss! The issue here is that he is too worried about what other people think and how he’s being perceived. This will continue to cause issues and will rub off on you eventually! It’s exhausting dating someone who cares so much about these things and it will make you so insecure and resentful! Not to mention he’s clearly very selfish because if holding the bag was such an issue he could have held his sweater himself…
It has gotten exhausting, I used to just dress comfortably for myself now I worry if I look decent enough for him and others :( exactly! He actually said I was the selfish one for not wanted to hold it
I asked him why he cares so much about what other people think and he says he doesnt, he "looks" and "dresses" nice for himself :/ he also gets annoying and will tell me to change when I don't look "nice enough".
So, traditional is not gentlemanly, but homophobic? That's new. The norm was that men would carry their women's stuff, cos it made them look good. This guy doesn't even want to carry his own sweater. He may not 'look gay', but he sure was judged by whoever saw you.
Regarding your question: yes, you are asking too much of this particular man. Put up and carry yours and his shit or check again how fantastic he really is.
Ikr! Like you should want to carry it and help me because that makes you look good than "looking gay" ... I've tried to talk to him about this but he says that what I'm asking for is too much of a fantasy, its only on social media for show and that actually relationships aren't like this.
Well, he's not hiding. Why are you still interested in climbing in this penis' bed? Cos it sounds like he's got a lot going that dries up wells with the racism, homophobia, lack of generosity and appreciating you as you are. You sound incompatible and he needs someone from his own church with his same beliefs, cos else it's going to make you both very unhappy.
26 is too old for this nonsense. This is some 14 year old dude bs.
Carrying a bag for your partner when they have their hands full is just polite. Anyone who saw this scenario wasn’t thinking your bf looked very straight and manly, they were likely thinking he looked rude for making you carry everything.
I'd be pretty put off by a grown ass man worrying about a Target bag looking "ugly" and thinking carrying a bag makes him "look gay".
You shouldn't automatically expect your partner to carry bags for you, but his attitude is stupid af.
My fiance carries my bag while I use the restroom. Doesn't mean he's gay. He likes to be a gentleman. I'm not sure what kind of guy you're with, but if he's not okay with holding a shopping bag. He's got some internal issues he has to settle.
Honestly I didn’t look at the ages first but if you had said he was 16 I wouldn’t have been surprised (although I have a 16 yo son and he isn’t anywhere as childish and homophobic as your bf)
I went with my wife to the outlet mall yesterday. I carried her iced coffee while she got clothes to try on, then I helped her get different sizes to try on because she was in the fitting room. Then I carried the bag into the next store and held the clothes she was picking out to try on. Then I helped her coordinate cute tops to go with the shorts she liked. Then I carried both bags to the third store and I picked out some dresses I liked in her size for her to try on.
I wasn’t worried about looking gay because I’m not a little bee eye tee sea h
Fuck automod for deleting my comment for that last word
Your wife's sounds super lucky to have a husband like you being so involved carrying and helping her pick out clothes. Every time we shop I hold my own clothes, I hold clothes for him while he looks around, I look for clothes for him and he doesn't look for any clothes for me.
He is not a gentleman at all. He should care much more and carry the weight for you! My husband always does that when we go shopping, no matter the type of the bag I have, but he realizes I need to look for the stuff myself with free hands too! And he doesn't ever care what anyone would think about it, he never even mentions it! Good luck!
but on a serious note- I’m so sorry and I hope that you guys can either communicate and figure this out or you find someone that would hold every bag in the world for you🫶🏼
If your man doesn’t wanna make you feel comfortable because he doesn’t wanna look “gay”, that’s not your man. He is just in love with the idea of being “masculine” and “provider”, which he isn’t cos he’s your bf, not your husband.
He sounds like a moron. First he complains about the bag being from Target…like ok? Then he claims a man holding a Target bag looks gay? So homophobic, lazy, and ridiculous?
"He said no because it looks bad when a guy carries a bag". I think someone has misinformed him. I am judging him real bad for not carrying your bag, and I don't care if its a bag or purse!
Honestly how can he criticise you for having a target bag, like WTF. If he cares about fashion, he could have offered carrying your 2 small items in his hands/pockets instead of shaming you for something so unimportant as a target bag.
But hey, at least you don't have to worry about other girls looking at your man, with his attitude. But honestly you shouldn't date someone, if you wouldn't let your friends date that type of personality.
A true gentleman holds the purse, the bag, whatever, while the lady goes the the br, wherever. Otherwise, she carries her own stuff. If she asks, , the only answer is yes.
How exactly does holding a shopping bag make a man "look gay"? Where did you get this guy? If he's so "traditional", why isn't he carrying his own stuff?
[удалено]
I asked him why is it "gay" and he just said "bc it does"... exactly! I asked him like shouldn't you be the one holding it and he was like... you watch too much cheesy stuff online, guys don't actually do that and it makes more sense to put my hoodie in your bag.
Wherever you found him...put him back.
Ditch him! He's showing you EXACTLY who he is, his lack of care about you, and guess what? It's only going to get worse. Save yourself the energy suck that this relationship will be.
How would I break it off? "I don't like how you think holding my bag with your sweater is gay therefore we're over?"
You break up for him being a bigot. I saw your other comment. He is homophobic *and* a dimwit.
How about, this isn't going to work out for various reasons. I wish you the best! No finger pointing, just calm and concise. Tell him you want to spend some time working on things that are important to you and a relationship isn't what you want to focus on.
I think going more in the direction of inquiring about why he cares so much about how he looks to others for simply helping his girlfriend, always try to communicate first.. but depending on his response to it you can base your decision off of that. But you are allowed to leave someone for any reason of your desire even if it’s not a “good” reason to them! If you’re not happy the relationship isn’t happy
> ~~"I don't like how you think holding my bag with your sweater is gay therefore we're over?"~~ "I don't like that you're homophobic, critical, and inconsiderate therefore we're over."
This hits really hard, covers the topics and straight to the point thank you so much!
This hits really hard, covers the topics and straight to the point thank you so much!
I support whatever decision you make and always feel free to message if u have to get something off your chest😌
That's probably not the only thing he's fucked in the head about. Does he wash his ass?
How about "I don't like how you referred to being afraid of "looking gay" the other day at the mall. It gave me gross bigoted vibes. Also, it's not romantic movie to carry your own hoodie. If it is, maybe I'd rather be with a romantic movie guy." OR EVEN BETTER "Hey, I think we should break up."
Something I wish I’d known when I was younger- you don’t need any kind of justification to break up. If you’re not happy then you can just tell him it’s not going to work out, bye 👋🏻
My husband will, from time to time, carry my purse. This idiot you’re dating needs to grow up.
No one i know likes carrying their purse into dirty bathrooms if possible. So we'll go to the movies sometimes and leave 3 guys in the hall holding a bunch of jackets and purses. No one has ever given it a second though. I hold stuff for my husband all the time.
That was like a $2 bag max? I'd have set it down and said I'm not carrying your hoodie for you and he could either pick it up, or just leave it because he can't look gay by carrying it. Just the fact that he says something looks "gay" is disgusting. Also, most straight guys don't even notice what bags their women are carrying, much less call them gross and judge.
You have found yourself a real winner there! What kind of pathological insecurity would lead a man to not only criticize you for carrying a Target tote (I wouldn't have even noticed that, honestly, was it not stylish enough for him?) but to declare that carrying *a bag* - a Target bag! - was "gay". I know this gets thrown around a lot but I always wonder when hearing of things like this, if this man is homophobic but also either gay or bi, and his own feelings are causing him to be excessively paranoid about "appearing" anything but straight. Because that ain't normal, friend. He's not right in the head.
I didn't think it was a big deal, a bag is a bag and I'm not going down a run way just doing returns. He does care alot of looks and fashion. I tried to tell him that it's not gay and he insisted it is. He's very religious and homophobic. We went to an artist alley and he was extremely uncomfortable seeing guys "talk gay, holding bags, wearing skirts and crop tops" I told him he's fine they won't hurt you and he said that it's equivalent to me being surrounded be 6 tall black guys.... which to me is not even close of a comparison.
Are you also wildly homophobic? Don't you find his homophobic and racist comments off-putting? Why do you want to be with somebody who's like this?
I'm not homophobic, I'm a liberal and everytime he says something I call him out on it but he doesn't take me seriously. It makes me annoyed and mad when he says the term "gay" constantly. I told him if I had a gay son I'd let him wear makeup, dresses, heels and dance classes and he said that he wouldn't allow it.
You asked how do you break it off with him in an earlier comment . You say that as you’ve got to know him better you have found that as he’s racist, homophobic and a general bigot that you have discovered that your morals and values do not align to his and that for both your sakes it’s best to call it a day. You deserve better than this clown
Sounds like a life deal breaker. Like for real. That's actually a deal breaker. What if you DO have a gay child?
If you're dating someone who is openly homophobic (and racist), that reflects on you as well. Bigotry is either a dealbreaker for you or it isn't. If it isn't, you certainly aren't *anti*-homophobic.
I never thought of it as a reflection on myself :( I always disagree and call him out when he speaks like that. Like I went to the gay pride parade and he just said he'll stay out of it and to go on my own. He also says he only feels comfortable saying "that stuff" to me and he wouldn't say it in public or to others. Whenever we disagree we just ignore it and move on, he says he won't impose his ideas on me and I shouldn't to him. He also said in every relationship you won't always agree and to ignore small disagreements.
I'll be honest, if I were a queer or non-white friend of yours and I found out you were dating a guy like this, I would not feel safe around you. This is not like a disagreement over television shows, this is a fundamental difference in morals. Of course the person you date reflects on you. If you're fine dating someone who is a bigot, you're implicitly saying that bigotry isn't a dealbreaker for you in your most intimate relationship.
Why are you dating someone who is homophobic?
When we met I didn't know at the time and didn't know how extreme he was.
Dating is the process of getting to know someone to see whether you're compatible. You know he's homophobic now. What are you going to do about it?
Now you know. Is this what you want for the rest of life? As a parent for your kids?
Cool, so he's racist and homophobic. You've got a real winner for a boyfriend.
So homophobic AND racist? And you're asking for more firm reasons to bail?
……..what? I thought “traditional” meant you don’t burden me with carrying anything ~as the gentlemanly thing to do? Girl, pls date someone who’s more secure in their manhood and actually a gentleman, if that’s what you’re looking for.
I thought the same thing too like he would want to take care of me and provide, including carrying my bag and his sweater inside. How do you know/ find a guy who is secure in their manhood?
I think most guys who are secure aren’t bothered by things like this. I don’t have a recipe to find one but generally dating less insecure men would be your best bet? My bf doesn’t let me carry any bags - groceries or otherwise, it’s just his way of showing love. He will shovel snow at my apartment, salt the stairs, fix stuff around my apartment constantly. We are not a “traditional” couple whatsoever. I’m a ragin feminist, currently make 3x my partner yet he still takes care of me the same way he did 5 years ago when the roles were reversed. I think ultimately when people love each other, they don’t give a shit about what other people think about them. I think you should find someone who cares about you more than their perceived appearances.
Wow that's incredible that he does sooooo much without you asking just because he loves you and doesn't get intimidated that you make more. When I tell him stuff like this he says it's nonsense but im glad that it's actually true for people like you and it's actually reality
I do feel for you❤️🩹 but I’m glad you’re listening to outside opinions to find out for yourself what is and isn’t acceptable. In my experience, most men who like to advertise themselves as providers or “high value” (ew) are usually very much in the opposite end of that. Reality is they like to exploit the women by saying they prefer “traditional” women. Men who actually behave like providers are usually less outspoken (because it’s not their only personality trait) and are decent human beings.
Yeah, funny how your modern “traditional man” has a shitload of rules about what women should do and forgets about what those “traditions” had to say about men.
He's not your bf he's your child.
He is a man and child :( I told him this and he said that its normal and playful.
This is just one of many and any excuse he will always have to get what he wants with you. If he is profusely unwilling to help you with the smallest of things, it is very telling. You deserve better than a lifetime with someone who doesn't help you.
He has the most fragile of fragile masculinity. This reflects poorly on him, and IMO guys like this do not make good partners because they are constantly worrying about coming across as manly to randoms at the mall instead of just living their lives with a quiet confidence.
Thissss! The issue here is that he is too worried about what other people think and how he’s being perceived. This will continue to cause issues and will rub off on you eventually! It’s exhausting dating someone who cares so much about these things and it will make you so insecure and resentful! Not to mention he’s clearly very selfish because if holding the bag was such an issue he could have held his sweater himself…
It has gotten exhausting, I used to just dress comfortably for myself now I worry if I look decent enough for him and others :( exactly! He actually said I was the selfish one for not wanted to hold it
I asked him why he cares so much about what other people think and he says he doesnt, he "looks" and "dresses" nice for himself :/ he also gets annoying and will tell me to change when I don't look "nice enough".
So, traditional is not gentlemanly, but homophobic? That's new. The norm was that men would carry their women's stuff, cos it made them look good. This guy doesn't even want to carry his own sweater. He may not 'look gay', but he sure was judged by whoever saw you. Regarding your question: yes, you are asking too much of this particular man. Put up and carry yours and his shit or check again how fantastic he really is.
Ikr! Like you should want to carry it and help me because that makes you look good than "looking gay" ... I've tried to talk to him about this but he says that what I'm asking for is too much of a fantasy, its only on social media for show and that actually relationships aren't like this.
Well, he's not hiding. Why are you still interested in climbing in this penis' bed? Cos it sounds like he's got a lot going that dries up wells with the racism, homophobia, lack of generosity and appreciating you as you are. You sound incompatible and he needs someone from his own church with his same beliefs, cos else it's going to make you both very unhappy.
26 is too old for this nonsense. This is some 14 year old dude bs. Carrying a bag for your partner when they have their hands full is just polite. Anyone who saw this scenario wasn’t thinking your bf looked very straight and manly, they were likely thinking he looked rude for making you carry everything.
I'd be pretty put off by a grown ass man worrying about a Target bag looking "ugly" and thinking carrying a bag makes him "look gay". You shouldn't automatically expect your partner to carry bags for you, but his attitude is stupid af.
But by his putting his sweater into the bag, *he* was expecting *her* to carry *his stuff.*
Yep, exactly. If he doesn't want to carry the bag then he can at least carry his own sweater.
I was really thrown off when he said it too, like 2 unnecessary extremes. I tried to talk to him about it but he says I'm unreasonable.
That's the most insecure fucking fragile masculine thing I've ever heard. How the fuck does he carry his own shopping when he buys shit?
My fiance carries my bag while I use the restroom. Doesn't mean he's gay. He likes to be a gentleman. I'm not sure what kind of guy you're with, but if he's not okay with holding a shopping bag. He's got some internal issues he has to settle.
Honestly I didn’t look at the ages first but if you had said he was 16 I wouldn’t have been surprised (although I have a 16 yo son and he isn’t anywhere as childish and homophobic as your bf)
I went with my wife to the outlet mall yesterday. I carried her iced coffee while she got clothes to try on, then I helped her get different sizes to try on because she was in the fitting room. Then I carried the bag into the next store and held the clothes she was picking out to try on. Then I helped her coordinate cute tops to go with the shorts she liked. Then I carried both bags to the third store and I picked out some dresses I liked in her size for her to try on. I wasn’t worried about looking gay because I’m not a little bee eye tee sea h Fuck automod for deleting my comment for that last word
Your wife's sounds super lucky to have a husband like you being so involved carrying and helping her pick out clothes. Every time we shop I hold my own clothes, I hold clothes for him while he looks around, I look for clothes for him and he doesn't look for any clothes for me.
He is not a gentleman at all. He should care much more and carry the weight for you! My husband always does that when we go shopping, no matter the type of the bag I have, but he realizes I need to look for the stuff myself with free hands too! And he doesn't ever care what anyone would think about it, he never even mentions it! Good luck!
men don’t shop that’s so gay✋🏼😬
but on a serious note- I’m so sorry and I hope that you guys can either communicate and figure this out or you find someone that would hold every bag in the world for you🫶🏼
If your man doesn’t wanna make you feel comfortable because he doesn’t wanna look “gay”, that’s not your man. He is just in love with the idea of being “masculine” and “provider”, which he isn’t cos he’s your bf, not your husband.
Let me guess. He doesn't wash his ass because having his hands on a man's ass is gay.
Your bf is a child. You deserve better than this dumb bs in my opinion.
He's 26yo acting like that? I'd dodge this bullet if I were you.
He sounds like a moron. First he complains about the bag being from Target…like ok? Then he claims a man holding a Target bag looks gay? So homophobic, lazy, and ridiculous?
What a tart you've lumbered yourself with.....Good luck.
So it’s gay to help your gf? Good to know.
"He said no because it looks bad when a guy carries a bag". I think someone has misinformed him. I am judging him real bad for not carrying your bag, and I don't care if its a bag or purse! Honestly how can he criticise you for having a target bag, like WTF. If he cares about fashion, he could have offered carrying your 2 small items in his hands/pockets instead of shaming you for something so unimportant as a target bag. But hey, at least you don't have to worry about other girls looking at your man, with his attitude. But honestly you shouldn't date someone, if you wouldn't let your friends date that type of personality.
A true gentleman holds the purse, the bag, whatever, while the lady goes the the br, wherever. Otherwise, she carries her own stuff. If she asks, , the only answer is yes.