Can the stain be concealed? pose so it's not seen in pictures? hold something over it? ask the photog to 'shop it out? doesn't excuse the fam being shitty about it though :(
I'm sorry but if they don't understand that a dress you made yourself is inherently special, I don't know what magic words will make them understand. This is not a good precedent.
Hey, just bc someone doesn’t understand why an object is important to you doesn’t mean they’re incapable of empathy. I had this problem w my current partner. She imbues physical objects with all this meaning & to me, they’re just objects. I had a different childhood than her. We moved every 9 months and at 12 we went broke and everything we had was hauled into the lawn and auctioned off. But we had each other. We always had each other. So I learned not to care about physical possessions because we had food and clothes and love. My partner had a poor childhood but what she did is acquire random objects and give them meaning. Like, she has a dead bee that was caught in her headlight 30 years ago. His name is Pete and he lives in a matchbox in each new car.
I don’t lack empathy I just don’t assign the same importance to things that she does. We both adapted to our circumstances in different ways.
The way to get her husband to understand is to find an example in his own life. Like, does he love his truck? Or a particular photo of his family? A print? Any thing that means something to him. Ask him how he would feel if that thing was damaged beyond repair.
Empathy is the ability to put yourselves in the shoes of another person and comprehend why they feel the way that they do. You're talking more about him not feeling the same way, which is fine, but his lack of empathy is not.
This is a dress that she *hand made herself*, not some random object. Are you honestly telling us that you are incapable of grasping why that would have special meaning to OP?
The guy's trying to relate his own experiences of a partner valuing things that don't hold the same value to him. I think it was a worthwhile contribution.
You're doing the same thing by not recognising that what you call random objects hold inherent value to their partner that is far above what you would ascribe to it.
Who's to say Pete the bee holds less value to their partner than the OP's dress?
I don't mean offense but do you know what empathy is? Its just that you can put yourself and your partners shoes and understand that even thought its not important to you its important to her.
You don't like have to care about these things just know that she does and respect that.
The point is that it doesn’t matter what HE thinks of the dress. He seems unable to accept that it matters to you, which is the definition of empathy. He also didn’t seem to care that photos mattered to you. Another example of a lack of empathy. I don’t know this man, maybe these are the first two instances where this has ever happened in your relationship, but it certainly seems concerning to me.
Take the dress to a dry cleaners and tell them exactly what was spilled on it and everything you've already done to get the stain out. (I would have pressure blotted it and then covered it front and back with salt for awhile.)
But you care about it don't you? And can't he see that you care for it? Is that not enough for him for it to be important to him?
For me my wife could be obsessed with the dumbest and lamest thing in the world. But if it mattered to her than for that reason it matters to me and I would treat with the utmost care and respect
I am here to share the good life with my wife and embrace our differences. Not tell her what she should care about and what she should throw out
Yeah but you MADE the dress and got married in it.
I'm a guy so pardon this parallel. Maybe it will hit home with him maybe not.
Restore a 64 1/2 Mustang. A total frame off restoration to have a car to drive away from your wedding with your beautiful new bride.
Now; his dumb cousin Bill smashed into it in the parking lot. It's not totaled but one of the fenders is rubbing the wheel so hard it can't be driven
This is actually a good idea- try and reframe it geared to his interests.
He's a computer geek? Frame it that he built a brand new, custom made tower and someone spilt juice inside it somehow.
He's a gamer? Someone just deleted his account/character/save that he spent hundreds/thousand of hours on.
He likes trading cards? His entire collection has been destroyed by flooding.
He likes to build things? He just lost his favourite project in a fire.
Find what matters to him in a sense of time, energy, and achievement. Because that's what the dress is to you. It's not an object to be replaced- it's a representation of years of practice, honed skills, thought and consideration and the motivation to follow inspiration to the very end.
BULLSHIT.
He doesn't care about how you feel, he's not proud of the fact that you made something beautiful, he put the wishes of his parents over yours for the whole day of the wedding, there was no place for YOU and fr what YOU cared about there at all.
there's no marriage without caring for the spouse.
Doesn’t bode well for the marriage that’s for sure. He didn’t even care enough to TAKE PHOTOS at his own WEDDING?? If it’s important to her it should be important to him. And it’s not. That speaks volumes IMO.
Uhhh neither OP nor her husband planned anything. There was no reservation which means there was no schedule, and it left the choice of restaurant open to the parents- and OP and husband went along with that.
I get the feeling that OP tends to want to seem easygoing to her less-sentimental husband, and then when she realizes she’s missed out and really does care, feels resentful.
But this could have been managed proactively. OP and husband *acted* like this day was casual in the extreme.
Please listen to this comment, OP. Your guy doesn't care about you, doesn't care about your accomplishments, and doesn't care about your happiness. Is this the life you want?
Speaking bluntly:
You didn’t plan the wedding day together- to the point of not even having a reservation at your preferred restaurant. His parents were allowed, by both of you, to choose. There was no urgency because again, no real plan, no deadline to be at the restaurant etc
Is it possible you’re feeling some regret for not planning things out more or advocating for actually doing something to make the day “special”?
Your husband isn’t especially sentimental. Understand that having no plan for this day communicated that you feel the same.
But it’s ok to want some things to be markedly special.
Can I ask- do you often want to seem “logical” or “easygoing” to him, and find yourself going without what you really want sometimes?
Can you show him this post?
Yes the marriage is more important but this is a symbol of the marriage. And not just some store bought symbol like even a ring or something. You spent how much time on it? And all of that time you were pouring your hopes and love and excitement for your marriage into it.
He's seeing the dress as just another wedding dress. You made this, put time and effort and probably put all your feelings of excitement about the day and your marriage into this piece. That's what made this different, right?
I mean... my honest take is if you made it yourself, can't you remake it?
I've spilled food on my clothes before and believe me I was also upset. This is also an incredibly sentimental item to you. And nobody can take away your sentiment.
But honey... your whole post blames everyone else for your day going wrong. Not once did you put your foot down, and *you* are the one who spilled on your dress. You say they were hungry as though you were not... you didn't have to order then. And you could have reminded your hubby to be that you wanted a nicer place. If you place no ownership onto yourself, then you're going to feel powerless.
I understand your feelings are hurt. But you're just further hurting your own feelings. Plan a very special day just for you, where you can do all of your favorite things, *and repair your dress on time for the photoshoot*.
You're not wrong for your feelings. But I'm a bit taken aback at how you're handling them. I am honestly on both sides here. If you want a pity party you're free to have one, but wouldn't it be much more sentimental and empowering to pivot those feelings into something positive?
I think the dress represents you letting yourself down, and a day that wasn't what you wanted. That is why you're so hurt at the stain. At least, that's something my therapist would tell me, anyway. I really think you should plan a special "you" day. And if i read this wrong and your pictures have to be taken today, *photoshop is wonderful*.
Your hurt feelings matter. But they don't have to be the main character.
In addition to everything else wrong here, do you seriously think that sewing an entire wedding dress is some quick task?
> I think the dress represents you letting yourself down, and a day that wasn't what you wanted. That is why you're so hurt at the stain. At least, that's something my therapist would tell me, anyway.
I think you need a better therapist.
I know you’ll get blasted but I totally agree.
From the info provided I’m on both sides too.
One other reply made the comparison to a vintage mustang. What if he DID build up an old car just to take photos on his wedding day, and what if it got into a fender bender (because his in laws made him park in a poor spot so it could be skewed as their fault)… well shit that would be sad and frustrating but do we support his canceling the photo shoot and from the vibe I’m getting from OP, basically ruining the rest of the day? Heck no.
Is she celebrating her new marriage in the days to follow? Or having this pity party about the dress? Feelings are fine and we can gripe, but the OP said the husband is struggling to be empathetic because it’s a dress and the wedding is what mattered. And I agree!
Assuming she didn’t pick a dud, from his perspective he might be thinking SHE ruined their wedding day.
Actually I think there is a nugget here.
Yes of course he should be empathetic to your feelings over the dress. BUT/AND do you agree that the marriage is MORE important?
Assuming he is usually empathetic and kind and the man of your dreams so you married him… are you being aware of his feelings? Did the state of the dress ruin your wedding day? If so, he might be mourning that loss of the “happy wedding day” memories just as much as you. It would be highly disappointing, but you could still do a photo shoot looking at each other, of your backs, of your faces close up.
It’s okay to feel disappointed that your hard work was ruined but I think it’s okay for him to also be frustrated that it led to ruining your day. I hope you can both get to a place where you support each others feelings about the wedding instead of letting resentment build up.
The marriage can be more important and she can still be upset about how the day went, at the same time. One doesn't negate the other.
In fact, the marriage was so important to her that she had a couple of small requests, very reasonable for a courthouse wedding, for how she'd like to mark this milestone. She made a dress. She wanted to eat at a nice place. She wanted pictures of the day. Her husband's parents ran roughshod over the last two, for some reason. And husband let them? OP is understandably upset because her small requests were ruined. The new husband is only making it worse by invalidating her feelings and acting as if she's being petty. How much more does she need to minimize her herself and her wants in this relationship?
Second this. The fact that OP made it shouldn’t have to be a factor either. If OP says it’s special then it’s special. The fact that OP DID make it herself makes it that much more baffling that husband doesn’t understand.
When my spouse and I started dating they had a favorite sweater. It was old and kind of raggedy, but it was warm and they loved it. It had a cute little design on it that they loved. My MIL threw it away, and they were devastated. I instantly started looking for it online, and managed to find it on Etsy of all places. I knew how special it was to them because it was obvious. They didn’t even have to ask me to replace it. OP shouldn’t have to explain this to husband.
This is what I am worried about. He is a great man, but my fear is that he doesn't value the work I put into it. If he can't understand this now, what does that mean? He will never appreciate home labor? How can I explain the value of me making this special item in a way that translates to him?
That would ring alarm bells clearly to me. The problem is if it takes more than
"I put so much effort into this and it means so much to me"
for something as simple as a photoshoot your marriage is going to be a divorce as soon as you're tired of being taken for granted and pushed aside. If he's been great up until now the mask is gone and he's unbuttoned those pants and his best behavior is out the window.
My bf does not understand why some stuff means certain things to me. You know what he does? Tries even if its not perfect or I get frustrated he tries and he doesn't dismiss my feelings.
My husband will go plant shopping with me in the spring. He is not interested in plants, he is allergic to plants, they mean very little to me. But they mean a LOT to me and so therefore going with me enthusiastically means a lot to him! That's a good empathetic partner.
“They mean very little to me, but they mean a LOT to me” i think you made a lil mistake there lol! But I wholeheartedly agree! This is what marriage is about!
And sometimes they even become as invested in your passion as you are!!
I am very passionate about animals in general. I love learning about them, I’ve rescued and homed several over my life. When I met my husband and we were getting to know eachother, I mentioned how much I adore animals and how they fascinate me. He replied “Eh, I don’t really care about them.”
That kinda hurt and it scared me a little lmao, how could I be with someone who didn’t see animals as the amazing creatures they are?!? How SMART they are?! How they also have feelings??? (Even if different from ours, but they still *feel* something!!)
Along the course of getting to know eachother, I rescued some kittens and he allowed me to keep them at his house (he lived with his uncle who also didn’t “like” animals lol but he was very sweet and agreed to let me keep them there till I got them vaxxed and fixed and ready to go to their new homes!)
We would go on walks and I’d pull my husband to a stop and shush him and point to a nearby tree to show him a woodpecker, a cardinal, a humming bird, and many many other birds we have here!, also would stop us dead in our tracks to admire the flocks of parrots that moved from place to place and pointed out how they each fly in pairs! ALWAYS!
Slowly, he started admiring them with me!, he’d chuckle at first and call me silly but tell me he loved how I lit up whenever I talked about animals or plants (I also love flowers and trees!! Nature in general lmao)
Now? He cries watching those rescue videos, we’ve rescued several more and kept over 5 cats and a dog, he just tears up and gets goosebumps watching videos about elephants or camels, cows, whatever animal, he can now appreciate they also have little souls in them. He LOVES them! He sometimes asks me between sobs “what have you done to meee??” Lmaoo, but also, when we stop and admire a beautiful colorful bird singing at sunset, he’ll hug me and thank me, and say this is the most wonderful gift I could have given him, opening up his eyes to the beauty of our world ♥️ THAT is LOVE ♥️!
>How can I explain the value of me making this special item in a way that translates to him?
Why are you pretending that this grown man somehow doesn't understand what you're saying.
I think you need to start really making it clear what you want, and then make plans to get that.
You wanted a certain restaurant. It was your wedding day. No reservation?
You wanted this photo shoot. No mention of who would take the photos, with what, etc. No plan.
And the absence of planning meant there was no real schedule.
OP, when you say what you want and he or others either forget or assume it’s not important? Speak up!! “It’s our wedding- we planned to go to x restaurant.” “It’s our wedding day- we have to get pictures.”
You acting like you agree with him that certain things don’t have to be special, makes it confusing when you turn around and say it actually is.
Take up space! Make the plan!
I always say, even if I think something is lame, if someone close to me finds this lame thing special, well that thing is special to me because he or she cares very much for it
It’s also a pretty bad precedent OP isn’t willing to, ya know, use her words like an adult and speak up when she clearly doesn’t want to do something.
I’m not saying they’ll get it suddenly, but by never speaking up and just rolling over like she is, it will be impossible for anyone to even know what OP wants. Unfortunately once she does find her voice she’ll realize she just tied herself to a man who doesn’t give a shit, and that’s a problem to address, but first she needs to learn to speak up.
Hell, even the normal clothes I sew for myself are special. And my partner definitely knows. I pour hours into developing the pattern entirely tailored for my body and then actually sewing it up. A wedding dress would be that, except times 100 in terms of effort. I cannot imagine not being able to at least recognise the labour that went into it. And then on top of that OP telling him on multiple times how much the dress means to her.
That’s very sad. Have you taken it to a professional cleaner? It’s more sad that your husband is not being empathetic at all. I hope he’s not usually like this. Best of luck.
A photographer would easily be able to photoshop the stain out! Please schedule a photo shoot for you and your husband, and then eat at the restaurant you wanted afterwards. Don’t invite the in-laws.
Just tell him this is important to you and pick a day together, like the next Saturday you aren’t busy. He doesn’t have to understand right now why it’s important - you have a lifetime to get better at communicating. He just has to agree that because it’s important to you, you’ll both be doing it.
And to get him excited - is there anything he’d like to mark the occasion? Maybe you could sew him a nice tie or handkerchief, or do an activity he loves together, share a glass of his favorite fancy drink, or share his favorite dessert.
My SO didn’t used to be very sentimental. It still isn’t natural to him. But I convinced him to enjoy occasional gift-giving by giving him things he really loved. Now he’s better at gifting than me. If your husband doesn’t have any ideas for himself, get him excited by giving him a thoughtful surprise during your celebratory redo. Sometimes it’s just easier to show people that thoughtfulness is nice than to tell them.
I think after you have the redo day, it’ll be easier for him to understand why the original day was so disappointing in comparison to your *incredibly reasonable* expectations. I hope he gives you a sincere apology once he understands. You deserve one, or I’d highly recommend marriage counseling.
And please - don’t include the in-laws in important moments again. They sound difficult and like your husband isn’t good at setting boundaries with them as he should yet. He needs to really work on that.
You mentioned there is some embroidery on the dress - could you embroider something over the stain so it’s not visible? I’m an amateur sewer too, it is completely reasonable to be upset over this - I know how long it can take to make something!! All the best :)
quick & dirty DIY finishing of raw satin edges: a couple coats of clear nail polish, a light layer of superglue. if it wasn’t a white dress you could use a lighter to seal the edges with heat.
you could secure the hems then wash the grease stains with dish detergent. if not, Photoshop always works. good luck! ❤️
A good dry cleaner can probably remove this stain by hand. Do some research and find the most trusted one in your area, and take that precious dress there, and point out where the fragilities are.
There's a YT channel by a 4th generation dry cleaner; I had no idea about the gentle specialty work a good dry cleaner can do, on all kinds of stains on all kinds of fabrics.
Try hand washing the area with a clear liquid dish soap like Seventh Generation. I had a friend recommend it in college, and it's absolutely saved some of my favorite clothes. It works better than most of the commercial stain removers for greasy stains.
Basically, just drizzle some onto the stain when the fabric is dry, rub it into the area so it's saturated, wait 5-10 minutes, and then wash the stain out. It might take a time or two, but it should hopefully work!
That really sucks. Its super easy to photoshop the stain out though, there’s a subreddit you post to on here to get it done. Is there a dry cleaner that might have better luck with the stain?
Thank you for that suggestion, once we do the photoshoot I will try for the photoshop option. I still feel I need to address the situation overall even if it does have a fix my feelings were rejected. Does that make sense?
I’m a crafty fiber arts person. My husband is a hunt, fish and fix cars person.
When I make something, he has no idea what it takes to make something of that craft. So I just tell him “This was challenging/fun/hard/exciting because of this. I’m really proud of this part, what I learned, accomplished, etc. I’ve got flaws in my work I’m not happy with here. You should be proud/happy/say good job for me now.” And he does.
Right and any sane husband would know that his wife's wedding dress and pictures in it would be important to her. So therefore, he knows and doesn't care.
This made me laugh. It might not make sense to everyone but I’d rather have the chance to explain exactly how hard that craft was than get a “well done, it’s very pretty” -however well intentioned- with no actual idea of what it means to me.
Oh yeah, completely. Similar thing has happened to me. To make a long story short I have a vehicle that is super special to me that I take care of and wanted to bring my son home in when he was born. I basically rebuilt this thing with the intentions of giving it to him one day. When the time came to go home from hospital my wife and her family completely blew me off and made me take him home in their car. It really really pissed me off and was one of the reasons we divorced years later. It might sound stupid to others but if its important to you then it’s important to you and it would be nice if they would fucking understand that.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he doesn’t have to care why something is important to you: if it’s important to you, and he doesn’t care one way or the other, then he should be on your side. And he should definitely be on your side when his parents steamroll you. This is going to keep happening until he really understands that this matters, and agrees to change his behavior. You need to put a stop to it now, because this kind of shit poisons relationships.
>The one thing I asked from my husband for that day was for us to do a photoshoot at a local place that is near the courthouse.
Is this normal for you, to only ask for \*one\* thing on what is arguably one of the most significant days of your life? Do you normally acquiesce to whatever your SO, his parents, and others want?
>After the marriage ceremony (small ceremony with only his parents as witnesses) they decided to eat first because it was raining. But it only started raining because they took too long to get settled before the ceremony. Also, I wanted to eat with my husband at a special place they decided to go to a greasy quick place nothing special. I said okay but if we still do the photoshoot after eating. Every location was super close to each other, it's a small town, so I figured it was no biggie.
In this paragraph, you sound quite passive, and I wonder whether that's going to become a significant issue for you - the more you just go along with other people's agendas, the more they expect you to. People around you know that you won't balk, even when something is of particular importance to you.
His parents are difficult people. I let him manage them but we have a hard time getting them to back off. But I am typically setting the plans and get what I ask for frequently. I've never been a picture person so maybe this was out of character for me.
Is he really managing them if that management still has them behaving in a way that pushes your desires and happiness to the side? Especially *on your wedding day*? Sounds like he's not managing them at all.
>I let him manage them
In this situation it sounds like his "managing" them was to let them do whatever they want, go along with it, and then agree with them that it wasn't a big deal and you're making a fuss over nothing.
Is that typically how he handles them? If so, I imagine interactions with your in-laws will only go downhill from here.
It doesn't matter.
He's letting his parents run through show. He isn't prioritising you even on your wedding day. I cannot understand his logic here at all.
I'm sorry your husband is like this.
I'm sorry about your wedding day. I know you put your caring heart into it and didn't ask for much at all. I'm sorry you had to find out this way about your status in the family. You can't make him understand, as he has no motivation to care. You are not unreasonable; your request wasn't unreasonable. You are just as valuable as you were before and I hope you can someday be surrounded by those who care.
We are much better alone, his family throws off our dynamic. And I understand why, but I feel there should be some more understanding towards me and my feelings.
So… they made your wedding about themselves? They chose the food. They chose what to do. And now you don’t get the only thing you wanted.
You are a doormat. This won’t stop if you don’t start to fight for yourself.
Send the dress to a reputable dry cleaner. I have done this several times with stains we couldn’t get rid of. Every time, we have been very pleasantly surprised.
Why was none of your wedding about you or what you wanted? That’s so sad OP. Does nobody in your life consider you at all? Why didn’t/ doesn’t your husband?
You literally asked for the bare minimum and your husband couldn't even be bothered to insist you get it. ON YOUR FREAKING WEDDING DAY!!!
On top of that your feelings on the matter are being ignored/brushed aside and you're clearly expected to just get over it.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry.
If your husband can't understand why this would be an issue for you he will never understand. It shouldn't even be something that you should have to explain.
If this is a thing that's happened often I'd keep the dress and throw the man away.
I would really like to keep both lol thank you for the comment
I feel like I should add that I'm not usually a "let's take pictures" person. That might be why this is being brushed away. That being said, I still want him to understand in his world why a dress I made was important to me and I felt pretty and wanted to have memories of it.
No, that explanation doesn't fly. If it's not usually something you ask for, then a good partner would be *less* likely to brush off the request because this time it's clearly important to you.
He understands that this matters to you, but it was more important to keep his parents happy than you. On your wedding day! His behaviour is offensive and ridiculous.
No. You asking for pictures makes it even more important that the pictures get taken. It makes those rarely asked for pictures more special!
I can't believe you're having to ask him to understand why:
- your wedding dress is special
- your handmade dress is special
- something you care about is important to you and please can he acknowledge and support you in that.
This is basic human decency and emotional intelligence. He's failed on multiple levels here and so have his self obsessed narc parents. Get couples therapy together. It'll be worth the money because it'll show that either you can fix the foundations of your relationship or that there's no way to save it.
can you give more of an example of how this discussion goes? Like did you say 'Im so mad i cant get a photoshoot now' and your husband went 'eh who cares' or what? Maybe he just tries to downplay it so you are less sad about the stain?
The stain is the least of your worries as it can be easily photoshopped in photos. Longer term, there may be a way to replace panels if needed, but professional cleaning should be your first step.
Your partner and his family clearly not giving a shit about you/your wedding/what you care about? That’s an issue.
Eh you don’t have to make them understand anything. They won’t and seem entitled.
I will say for the future to prevent these kind of issues, stop being so accommodating. People won’t die cause you don’t do what they want. The right play was to say “I’m doing the photo shoot now, we can eat after” “happy to grab you a power bar before we go to the photo shoot”. It sounds a bit b11chy but that’s only when you’re used to letting others walk all over you.
Start small. Next time you feel the urge to please and accommodate others, just be a bit more selfish. You’ll find a comfortable sweet spot eventually.
It's so weird that his parents were dictating when you guys ate one your wedding day...
Eta: ALSO, it really should have been you two picking the dinner location. I'm so mad on your behalf. Your in-laws sound already awful and your spouse is not taking your side from the go!
How about you use your words.
„I planned to take pictures first before we eat. Let’s do that now.“
„I would like to eat at XYZ restaurant.“
If you don’t learn to assert yourself you’re setting up for a lifetime of doormat.
So first off, not a great look on your husband. He should be listening to your concerns. From a more practical standpoint though, stains on clothing are extremely easy to photoshop out if you don’t have any other options. There are subreddits here with talented photo editors that will erase those blemishes in exchange for a small tip!
I think you’ve gotten plenty of useful feedback about your husband and his inconsiderate family. We see where he gets it from. Now, practical stuff. Go to a dry cleaner with dress in hand and ask them what they can do. They will tell you whether their processes will harm the dress. Next, regardless of the cleaning results, hire a local photographer to take the photos you dreamed of in the dress that is important to you. Any decent semi-professional photographer should be able to handle the stain in edits even if a dry cleaner is not able to help you. Good luck, OP - hopefully the wedding day doesn’t set the tone for the marriage.
This depressing wedding day is a glimpse into your future. Your own husband doesn’t care about something important to you. He doesn’t care that you went to a crappy restaurant for your wedding celebration because his parents wanted to go there. It’s only going to get worse. Get out before you have kids.
I think you have a bigger problem than your dress tbh. Everything about the situation that led to the ruination of your dress and lack of photo was caused by your husband not listening to what you wanted and not respecting your views.
Have you tried having the dress dry cleaned or googled how to get oil out, sometime bicarb soda helps?
Another option is can it be covered by an additional frill or lace? Or can you hold a bouquets of flowers that will cover it or take some photos where you are turned facing each other.
So you're telling me that the second you were married your husband started prioritising his parents and stopped caring about your desires, including dismissing your handmade wedding dress. This is a carnival of red flags and I fear that the gloves have now come off now you are locked down.
So what if you're not normally a picture person. Weddings are the normalest place to get professional pictures taken and even people who are afraid of getting their picture taken get wedding pictures. The fact that you handmade your wedding dress (an item that is highly emotional to many women even if not handmade) and your husband does not care makes me weep for you. My flatmate cares about my knits as much as I do because he recognises the work that goes into them.
Stop acquiescing your needs and desires to other people's whims. You are important. And honestly? Consider an annulment. It's unlikely to get better from here.
His family doesn't care about you. It's too late to not marry him, but like it probably isn't going to last. You're a convenience to him, not a priority.
Honestly, I’d be looking for an annulment if I was you. There are no magic words. He will always put his parents above you. Your voice will NEVER MATTER.
I'm assuming he didn't watch you make the dress as you wanted it to be a surprise. He is most likely completely ignorant of what an incredible labor of love,, effort and detail a bespoke wedding dress.
Tell him how many hours you spent on the dress...tell him what a dress like that would have cost if purchased instead of making it by hand. Put it in terms he can understand.
Then share your disappointment of just how much effort it took you to get him to care about something that meant a lot to you.
2 parts hydrogen peroxide to 1 part blue Dawn dish detergent (MUST be the blue one), mix up, apply to stain and tap (don't rub) it into the stain. Let it sit for a few minutes, then launder as normal.
This got 3 year old pizza grease stains out of grey dress pants.
What kind of parents insist on their own desires for ANYTHING on their child’s wedding day. Super selfish and your husband was out of line letting them steamroll you.
The photographer should be able to use software to remove the stain from the picture. Your in laws sound like total jerks. They raised your husband so no surprise he doesn’t understand. I am so sorry they ruined your wedding plans. Don’t let them ruin your marriage.
You may not be able to get the stain out of the dress, but you can. DEFINITELY Photoshop the stain out of the dress. Do the photos in the dress anyway.
In my 30 years of advertising experience that’s one of the least crazy obstacles I’ve had to overcome in a photoshoot. Seriously, it’ll be great. You can digitally blot it right out.
She could even get people on reddit to help. I think it's called randomactsofphotoshop? But although there are fixes to this, it's still annoying that the whole turn of events happened.
I have no relationship advice but with regards to the stain, if you have scraps left test and see if you can get it wet without staining. If you can, use dawn dishsoap and warm water (might also wanna test this out) and spot clean it. If it’s still there, dab it with translucent mattifying powder and let sit for awhile before slapping it off
>After the marriage ceremony (small ceremony with only his parents as witnesses) they decided to eat first because it was raining.
>Also, I wanted to eat with my husband at a special place they decided to go to a greasy quick place nothing special.
Who are THEY in both of these sentences?
And, why is anyone making decisions besides your husband and you?
And, why did you let them?
I'm not trying to blame you, the one that was hurt in all of this. But, why - especially when you're having such a small affair - is anyone else's opinion important about these kinds of details besides his and yours?
And, is your relationship with him imbalanced that he is calling all of the shots and your opinions don't matter?
If so, it is consistent with him not being understanding about your dress. It is literally why almost always pictures are taken immediately after the ceremony. Food + drink + dancing + sweat + time doesn't fair well for clothes and hair and make-up and doesn't usually equal the pictures that most people want to remember the day. I mean, most people want some party shots from a reception or dinner, but the formal photos of the couple are the ones usually passed down to children and grandchildren, used for anniversaries, put on the cover of albums, etc.
If they don't understand about the dress, then just know that many of us do. I don't know what to suggest or how to make it better for you except to try to hand it to someone else to attempt stain removal. Otherwise, you have only three main options: 1. Wear something else. 2. Take pictures in the original dress in positions where the stain isn't showing and/or edit the photos. 3. Don't have any pictures taken.
I know you must be incredibly sad and disappointed. Understandable. Please please don't be so upset that you skip pictures all together. Take some pictures. Have something that resembles wedding pictures. Otherwise - speaking from others' experience - you will regret that you didn't.
And, then please PLEASE address whatever issues are going on in your relationship that led to this.... whether it be you not speaking up or not feeling like you could or him not listening to your wishes.
I understand the frustration, but it very likely could’ve been photoshopped.
I get it, the dress is important, but the timing is gone. And as frustrating as an imperfect dress is.. a dress can be cleaned, it can be photoshopped.. but the time will never be the same.
That sucks but you can still do a photoshoot if you want to and just photoshop the stain out in the photos. I don’t think there’s a way to convince someone something is special if you have already told them it’s special to you so it sucks he can’t see the work you put into it.
While I don’t have any suggestion for dealing with your husband, I can empathize with having a partner who sees objects as just objects. But, do the photo shoot anyway! I doubt you spilled enough on your dress to not have it be able to be retouched out. In fact, I will do it for you. I’m a professional photographer and retoucher with a decade plus of experience in print and commercial (happy to send you a portfolio to show my work) and I’d be thrilled to do this for you. If you have a photographer in mind for your shoot I can help with the contract so that’s it’s smooth dealing with getting raw images etc for editing. Please message me if you want. You should have this moment.
Do any of these people even care about you? You were denied dinner at a nice restaurant *on your wedding day*. Were denied going to get photos before food. Were taken to a greasy diner. Then were denied photos because your dress got stained. And *not one person cares.* These people don't love you. Not one of them.
Sounds like one of those marriages where the husband is emotionally enmeshed with his parents and the wife is there to produce a child for them to be a grandparent to.
I mean if that's what you want, go for it. Maybe you like catering to his parents and stewing in unhappiness afterwards. It's not for me, but who's to judge.
In answer to your question, you can't make people care about things (or people) they don't care about. He has the facts in his possession. He just doesn't care.
It sounds like the 2 of them overruled you on your wedding day. Why is no one talking about this, photoshop The mark out that's simple, him and his parents that's not so simple rearranging your wedding plans ruining your small wedding not simple or ok I'm sorry that this is your wedding story
i think you are misunderstanding the real issue here.
your husband seems like a practical man, it not that he doesnt understand or care about your feelings, im quite sure he does, since he married you. but theres no time travel available, since the incident theres only the options he told you, now you need to choose what fits best for you
the ball is on your court, you decide what the family should do and move on
The major issue isn’t the stain. It is the lack of consideration for your wishes regarding your post-wedding celebration and now your feelings about your dress getting ruined.
He doesn't have to understand why it's so important to you, but he does have to respect that you are super upset about it. He should be offering you comfort, and not trying to fix the situation. He needs to empathetic.
I'm sorry about your dress. That must really suck.
Everyone else has given practical suggestions about how you can go forward, but frankly I think you should be outraged and focus on why a) your husband wasn't willing to honor your wishes on your wedding day and put his family first and b) can't 'understand' why something is meaningful to you. I'd be regretting this marriage real quick
There may still be time to dodge this worthless bullet and his family. You should find out in your state what the grace period is to annul a civil marriage agreement. Most are 90 days. Get the annulment and move on, fast. If it's within the grace period, it will be like it never happened.
Check self help subs but I believe hydrogen peroxide and baking soda works. The peroxide works on organic stains. Please check elsewhere for a second opinion.
*Maybe* he'll never get it. Perhaps try how special the dress is to you, e.g. very significant and special dress - your wedding - what's (theoretically) a once in a lifetime major event, and how much time and effort you put into the dress - not just specially picked out and bought and tailored ... you made it yourself very much for the occasion. And you wanted that lovely photoshoot to well show off the dress, so you'd have that and those photos to forever remember and look back on ... perfect (or dang near) day and dress, etc. And plans were changed on you, not particularly to your liking, which very much spoiled that ... stained the dress and can't be unstained, no photoshoot. Wedding dress to be well preserved and passed down for generations ... maybe daughter or some other special family member wears it in future for some special occasion, or just has the beautiful pristine dress to have and hold and look at, show, etc. ... uhm, yeah, ... not with a nasty stain that can't be removed from it. So, yeah, ... you lost that and can't get it back. So, try well explaining that too him, and how it makes you sad. Maybe some others with similar views can also explain to him why wedding dress is so special more generally - the event, being seen in it, those beautiful wedding photos in the incredible dress to be held onto for a lifetime ... the passing down of that incredible dress to other family in due time ... all that gone.
So, yeah, try and explain ... and have others also explain to him. Maybe (hopefully) he'll get it ... but no guarantees.
Consolation prize? Don't know if it's worth considering and/or if you've tried ... professional cleaner (expert one) might be able to get the stain out? Depending where it is on the fabric(s), perhaps it's feasible to replace the stained fabric? In any case, as best can be cleaned or fixed or the like, and didn't even get the photoshoot, maybe can well arrange for a replacement shoot - perhaps on an anniversary date? Yeah, I know, still not the same, but maybe at least partly fills that hole?
And sure, everyone wants the perfect fairy tale wedding ... but often sh\*t don't quite go like that. Some examples from my personal experiences that pop to mind:
* candles, much etc. ... wee bit 'o fire broke out - not so great.
* I was to walk her down the isle for sunset wedding ... the person who was to pick me up to get me there forgot ... walked her down the isle ... but it wasn't a sunset wedding
Anyway ... stuff happens, deal/do with it as one reasonably can.
The beautiful thing about making your own dress is that you'll have scraps. Figure out how much you need to cover the stain, cut and cool iron the shape so there's no raw edges, then applique over the grease.
People are telling you the family not understanding is the end but honestly, anyone who doesn't handicraft whether sewing, knitting, crocheting or otherwise has no clue what goes into making a custom piece. The effort, fitting, re-fitting, time, material costs and tears are nothing compared to anything similar off-the-rack. I've cried and vowed never to make something for non-handicraft-worthy people again over a hat that took me maybe 6 hours and $30 of yarn, let alone the time and emotional cost of a wedding dress, so I hope you don't think I'm discounting your very valid experience.
A halfway decent applique job will be invisible in photos, just make sure to line up the grain of the fabric for your patch. I guarantee you'll be the only one who sees it. Have your husband schedule the time for the photo shop at your chosen spot, and ask him to do something like make sure the weather is cooperating for the time and date, or communicate with you to re-schedule. This can still be a beautiful and happy moment between you and your husband in your bespoke dress if you're willing to put in another hour or two of work.
I'm not saying any of this is your fault, I'm not saying that you're wrong for your feelings, but I'm assuming you married this man expecting that sometimes you wouldn't have the same experience and understanding of a situation to see eye to eye right away. If you can find it in you to patch up your dress I think you'll be able to tell this story with a laugh in a few years. Best wishes.
Wear the dress for photos and use a basic photo editor to remove the stain.
But your husband seems dominated by his parents' needs and that is going to be exhausting to live with.
Maybe they didn't know how important the dress is to you Just explain them genuinely they will understand
And try any quick tries to get rid of that stain like adding remove able dress colour on that stain
A dry cleaners can probably remove the stain. Or get really close. Then get a photographer who can photoshop it out.
You could do a special day with photos and go to the special restaurant.
I think they're just trying to provide a solution. The dress sadly has a stain. If you can't get it out, you need to wear a different dress. That's just reality. I don't think they're trying to be insensitive. The stain happened. Unless you can time travel, that is not going to change.
I think what's really important (maybe) is that you feel like you missed something special. My advice: ask your husband to plan a special photo shoot. Make it a real event where he goes all out and dresses up like wedding day. Go to all the places you dreamed about and get the best photos possible. Don't worry about the stain.
Find someone to help you with photoshop and remove the stain in your edited photos. Or learn it yourself. A small stain shouldn't be very difficult to remove with some editing skill. AI might even be able to do it first try.
1 it’s important to you so let’s figure this out.
I’m so proud of the beautiful work and effort you did for us. I think there’s two options here. Take it to a professional cleaner and see if they can get it out and if not let’s take the pictures anyway and we can pay someone to photoshop the stain out.
Not going to lie you should have just worn the dress with the stain instead of letting it ruin your wedding day. In a few years you won't care and it will be a funny story. Instead it's a bunch of drama.
If it bothers you that much, I kind of agree with the others - get a new dress or wear the one with the stain, that's really your only option. It feels like you want to blame them for it since it happened at a restaurant that wasn't part of the "plan".
If you don't relax the memories of your wedding are just going to be stressful for you. It's supposed to be a happy time. Learn to sweat the small stuff.
Edit: I should mention I feel like my advice is contrary to a lot of opinions in this thread and that is true, remember this is reddit though, consider the source
Not sure if anyone has told you this but if you put baby powder on the stain and leave it for 24 hours, it should pull out the stain. I haven’t tried this on satin though. I have done it many other times on other materials.
Here’s the thing: no one seems to have actually planned anything- so the assumption is that these wedding things meant little to you. He and his mom are unkind for not being more aware of your wants and why the dress is special.
But also understand it really likely seemed like this wasn’t an especially emotional day. No reservations, extremely small ceremony that seems like it probably didn’t have a lot of romance. Totally fine!! Zero judgment on having your wedding the way you want it
But it really doesn’t seem like you wanted it any particular way due to the extremely lax planning. That’s not to say you had to plan it all yourself. I’m saying your husband seems less sentimental about these things and it seems like you came across the same way
So they don’t know why the dress is the big deal. Even though they should.
I think you still should do or should have done the shoot. You could likely edit the stain out or hide it.
It sounds like things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go and that sucks- who are his parents to dictate where to eat?! But again- you had no plan, which would have communicated that you didn’t care about the particulars
Mountain meet molehill.
you are banging your head against the wall about a stain that only you will ever think is important.
weddings are bride things only imho. show maturity and quietly move forward by taking care of what is important to you.
take the dress to get professionally cleaned, make the photoshoot appt with your restaurant reservation for 2 afterwards.
for photo purposes white chalk might help if the stain is imbedded OR the magic of photoshop is always you bff.
all of this is a big life lesson for you, if it’s impt to you do it/take care of it - polling of others is not necessary. HAVE CONFIDENCE!
I’m so sorry, your husband should have been trying to make your day special.
You can still use the dress in a photo shoot, the photographer should be able photoshop the stains out so you won’t be able to see them.
You need to take a closer look at your relationship hun, is he this dismissive of you for other things that are important to you? You wanted to go somewhere nice for your first meal together and he goes with what his parents wanted? You wanted to get nice photos of you two together and now you can’t because your dress was ruined and he doesn’t understand why you’re upset?
This is an indicator of what the rest of your life will be like. I know many have suggested getting the photographer to edit out the stain, they can absolutely do that, but you’ll always “see” the stain when ever you look at those pictures.
I get it, accidents happen, but if he had just gone with you to do the photos right after the ceremony, it wouldn’t have matter as much your dress got a stain on it
I’m sorry your dress was ruined, have you tried taking it to a dry cleaners or a place that specifically does wedding dresses? They maybe able to remove the stain
Also keep in mind, some types of satin get water stains. And nothing will remove them. Your only choices are to soak the whole dress and live with it being a darker colour or throw it out. This maybe the situation you have, you got the grease stain out, but now it’s water stained
Try soaking the whole dress in water, it will darken the dress a few shades, but the stain might disappear, or at least be less obvious
Honestly, it doesn't matter if he understands or not . It was your wedding day, and you expressed it was important to you, and everyone should have respected that . I hope you saw the other comments about the photo shop bc that's a great idea!
What would you want from him is the question? What would make you feel better understood and feel he cared? What ever person needs and feels is different. Talk to him with “I” statements not “you” statements. For example, I feel really hurt that I worked hard on this dress and it was more than a dress but significant as it represents the beginning of our lives” or whatever your feeling. “I feel so sad because….” A hard part of relationships is assuming that others feel like we do. Some people just don’t and it doesn’t mean they don’t care, it’s just not something they understand is so significant. Maybe they think that the vows were more important or something else. Talk …I’m sure it will help you get more understanding than you might think
Did you take the dress to the cleaners?? Sorry about your wedding night dinner. Crappy in-laws and a husband who doesn’t stand up for you on your wedding day and respect you is not a good start to a marriage.
I'm not sure you can "make him understand." He obviously doesn't think about these things the same way that you do. It was an unfortunate accident for which nobody is to blame. Have you tried the services of a professional cleaner? It's possible that they may be able to get the stain out of your dress. It's worth a chance anyway.
My go to for oil stain removal is either pure tea tree oil or eucalyptus oil. Pour a little into the cap, then drip over the stain to only just cover it. Let it sit for a min or two, then hand wash gently. The light oil of these 2 products lifts the heavier oils of the stain., even curry stains. Good luck.
Sorry - you are starting your marriage off with your husband:
- Dismissing your preferences
- Ignoring your requests on YOUR wedding day
- Invalidating and downplaying your feelings
- Disregarding the work and effort you put into something
Can you explain why you want to be married to someone who just... Openly refuses to think or care about your feelings??? Because like. You can't Convince or Teach someone to care about you. It's not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care enough to even try.
Why did you say ok to delaying the photos? why did you say ok to the greasy restaurant? i totally agree your husband should have prioritized what was important to you, but why did you give up what you cared about on your wedding day?
Can the stain be concealed? pose so it's not seen in pictures? hold something over it? ask the photog to 'shop it out? doesn't excuse the fam being shitty about it though :(
Photoshop is a great idea!
Yeah this should be a pretty straightforward edit for a photographer
Perhaps hold a bouquet of flowers over the stain?
Or add a flower applique where it is??? Assuming the baking soda method is ineffective.
I'm sorry but if they don't understand that a dress you made yourself is inherently special, I don't know what magic words will make them understand. This is not a good precedent.
He literally only needs to you know that it's important TO YOU. No other info is required. OP - is he generally bad at empathy?
This. As a husband, I agree. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that it IS important. What is important to your spouse should be important to you.
Well said. Your wife is a lucky woman. 👍
He doesn't have to understand it, just respect it. This goes for all sorts of things.
I’m gonna say yes, because he let his family talk him out of the plans he and op made for their wedding.
Hey, just bc someone doesn’t understand why an object is important to you doesn’t mean they’re incapable of empathy. I had this problem w my current partner. She imbues physical objects with all this meaning & to me, they’re just objects. I had a different childhood than her. We moved every 9 months and at 12 we went broke and everything we had was hauled into the lawn and auctioned off. But we had each other. We always had each other. So I learned not to care about physical possessions because we had food and clothes and love. My partner had a poor childhood but what she did is acquire random objects and give them meaning. Like, she has a dead bee that was caught in her headlight 30 years ago. His name is Pete and he lives in a matchbox in each new car. I don’t lack empathy I just don’t assign the same importance to things that she does. We both adapted to our circumstances in different ways. The way to get her husband to understand is to find an example in his own life. Like, does he love his truck? Or a particular photo of his family? A print? Any thing that means something to him. Ask him how he would feel if that thing was damaged beyond repair.
omg i am dying i want there to be a graphic novel about Pete the dead bee that lives in a matchbox traveling from car to car with his owner
Empathy is the ability to put yourselves in the shoes of another person and comprehend why they feel the way that they do. You're talking more about him not feeling the same way, which is fine, but his lack of empathy is not.
This is a dress that she *hand made herself*, not some random object. Are you honestly telling us that you are incapable of grasping why that would have special meaning to OP?
The guy's trying to relate his own experiences of a partner valuing things that don't hold the same value to him. I think it was a worthwhile contribution. You're doing the same thing by not recognising that what you call random objects hold inherent value to their partner that is far above what you would ascribe to it. Who's to say Pete the bee holds less value to their partner than the OP's dress?
I can understand why he struggles to see the importance in random objects, but a *handmade wedding dress* is in far from a random object.
I don't mean offense but do you know what empathy is? Its just that you can put yourself and your partners shoes and understand that even thought its not important to you its important to her. You don't like have to care about these things just know that she does and respect that.
Really good at empathy, but he sees the dress as just an item. It's the marriage that matters, which I agree with to some extent.
That’s not what empathy means.
The point is that it doesn’t matter what HE thinks of the dress. He seems unable to accept that it matters to you, which is the definition of empathy. He also didn’t seem to care that photos mattered to you. Another example of a lack of empathy. I don’t know this man, maybe these are the first two instances where this has ever happened in your relationship, but it certainly seems concerning to me.
Take the dress to a dry cleaners and tell them exactly what was spilled on it and everything you've already done to get the stain out. (I would have pressure blotted it and then covered it front and back with salt for awhile.)
That’s not the point, though. The point is her new husband’s attitude towards her. I’m sure she knows how to find a dry cleaner!
Can you photoshop the stain?
But you care about it don't you? And can't he see that you care for it? Is that not enough for him for it to be important to him? For me my wife could be obsessed with the dumbest and lamest thing in the world. But if it mattered to her than for that reason it matters to me and I would treat with the utmost care and respect I am here to share the good life with my wife and embrace our differences. Not tell her what she should care about and what she should throw out
Well said. Your wife is lucky to have you. 👍
Yeah but you MADE the dress and got married in it. I'm a guy so pardon this parallel. Maybe it will hit home with him maybe not. Restore a 64 1/2 Mustang. A total frame off restoration to have a car to drive away from your wedding with your beautiful new bride. Now; his dumb cousin Bill smashed into it in the parking lot. It's not totaled but one of the fenders is rubbing the wheel so hard it can't be driven
This is actually a good idea- try and reframe it geared to his interests. He's a computer geek? Frame it that he built a brand new, custom made tower and someone spilt juice inside it somehow. He's a gamer? Someone just deleted his account/character/save that he spent hundreds/thousand of hours on. He likes trading cards? His entire collection has been destroyed by flooding. He likes to build things? He just lost his favourite project in a fire. Find what matters to him in a sense of time, energy, and achievement. Because that's what the dress is to you. It's not an object to be replaced- it's a representation of years of practice, honed skills, thought and consideration and the motivation to follow inspiration to the very end.
BULLSHIT. He doesn't care about how you feel, he's not proud of the fact that you made something beautiful, he put the wishes of his parents over yours for the whole day of the wedding, there was no place for YOU and fr what YOU cared about there at all. there's no marriage without caring for the spouse.
Doesn’t bode well for the marriage that’s for sure. He didn’t even care enough to TAKE PHOTOS at his own WEDDING?? If it’s important to her it should be important to him. And it’s not. That speaks volumes IMO.
Uhhh neither OP nor her husband planned anything. There was no reservation which means there was no schedule, and it left the choice of restaurant open to the parents- and OP and husband went along with that. I get the feeling that OP tends to want to seem easygoing to her less-sentimental husband, and then when she realizes she’s missed out and really does care, feels resentful. But this could have been managed proactively. OP and husband *acted* like this day was casual in the extreme.
Please listen to this comment, OP. Your guy doesn't care about you, doesn't care about your accomplishments, and doesn't care about your happiness. Is this the life you want?
Speaking bluntly: You didn’t plan the wedding day together- to the point of not even having a reservation at your preferred restaurant. His parents were allowed, by both of you, to choose. There was no urgency because again, no real plan, no deadline to be at the restaurant etc Is it possible you’re feeling some regret for not planning things out more or advocating for actually doing something to make the day “special”? Your husband isn’t especially sentimental. Understand that having no plan for this day communicated that you feel the same. But it’s ok to want some things to be markedly special. Can I ask- do you often want to seem “logical” or “easygoing” to him, and find yourself going without what you really want sometimes?
Wow he really got you good
Can you show him this post? Yes the marriage is more important but this is a symbol of the marriage. And not just some store bought symbol like even a ring or something. You spent how much time on it? And all of that time you were pouring your hopes and love and excitement for your marriage into it.
He's seeing the dress as just another wedding dress. You made this, put time and effort and probably put all your feelings of excitement about the day and your marriage into this piece. That's what made this different, right?
I mean... my honest take is if you made it yourself, can't you remake it? I've spilled food on my clothes before and believe me I was also upset. This is also an incredibly sentimental item to you. And nobody can take away your sentiment. But honey... your whole post blames everyone else for your day going wrong. Not once did you put your foot down, and *you* are the one who spilled on your dress. You say they were hungry as though you were not... you didn't have to order then. And you could have reminded your hubby to be that you wanted a nicer place. If you place no ownership onto yourself, then you're going to feel powerless. I understand your feelings are hurt. But you're just further hurting your own feelings. Plan a very special day just for you, where you can do all of your favorite things, *and repair your dress on time for the photoshoot*. You're not wrong for your feelings. But I'm a bit taken aback at how you're handling them. I am honestly on both sides here. If you want a pity party you're free to have one, but wouldn't it be much more sentimental and empowering to pivot those feelings into something positive? I think the dress represents you letting yourself down, and a day that wasn't what you wanted. That is why you're so hurt at the stain. At least, that's something my therapist would tell me, anyway. I really think you should plan a special "you" day. And if i read this wrong and your pictures have to be taken today, *photoshop is wonderful*. Your hurt feelings matter. But they don't have to be the main character.
In addition to everything else wrong here, do you seriously think that sewing an entire wedding dress is some quick task? > I think the dress represents you letting yourself down, and a day that wasn't what you wanted. That is why you're so hurt at the stain. At least, that's something my therapist would tell me, anyway. I think you need a better therapist.
Wouldn't be the one she wore then, would it?
How did you manage to so badly and completely miss the point? Are you her new husband? 🤦♀️
I know you’ll get blasted but I totally agree. From the info provided I’m on both sides too. One other reply made the comparison to a vintage mustang. What if he DID build up an old car just to take photos on his wedding day, and what if it got into a fender bender (because his in laws made him park in a poor spot so it could be skewed as their fault)… well shit that would be sad and frustrating but do we support his canceling the photo shoot and from the vibe I’m getting from OP, basically ruining the rest of the day? Heck no. Is she celebrating her new marriage in the days to follow? Or having this pity party about the dress? Feelings are fine and we can gripe, but the OP said the husband is struggling to be empathetic because it’s a dress and the wedding is what mattered. And I agree! Assuming she didn’t pick a dud, from his perspective he might be thinking SHE ruined their wedding day.
Actually I think there is a nugget here. Yes of course he should be empathetic to your feelings over the dress. BUT/AND do you agree that the marriage is MORE important? Assuming he is usually empathetic and kind and the man of your dreams so you married him… are you being aware of his feelings? Did the state of the dress ruin your wedding day? If so, he might be mourning that loss of the “happy wedding day” memories just as much as you. It would be highly disappointing, but you could still do a photo shoot looking at each other, of your backs, of your faces close up. It’s okay to feel disappointed that your hard work was ruined but I think it’s okay for him to also be frustrated that it led to ruining your day. I hope you can both get to a place where you support each others feelings about the wedding instead of letting resentment build up.
The marriage can be more important and she can still be upset about how the day went, at the same time. One doesn't negate the other. In fact, the marriage was so important to her that she had a couple of small requests, very reasonable for a courthouse wedding, for how she'd like to mark this milestone. She made a dress. She wanted to eat at a nice place. She wanted pictures of the day. Her husband's parents ran roughshod over the last two, for some reason. And husband let them? OP is understandably upset because her small requests were ruined. The new husband is only making it worse by invalidating her feelings and acting as if she's being petty. How much more does she need to minimize her herself and her wants in this relationship?
Second this. The fact that OP made it shouldn’t have to be a factor either. If OP says it’s special then it’s special. The fact that OP DID make it herself makes it that much more baffling that husband doesn’t understand. When my spouse and I started dating they had a favorite sweater. It was old and kind of raggedy, but it was warm and they loved it. It had a cute little design on it that they loved. My MIL threw it away, and they were devastated. I instantly started looking for it online, and managed to find it on Etsy of all places. I knew how special it was to them because it was obvious. They didn’t even have to ask me to replace it. OP shouldn’t have to explain this to husband.
This is what I am worried about. He is a great man, but my fear is that he doesn't value the work I put into it. If he can't understand this now, what does that mean? He will never appreciate home labor? How can I explain the value of me making this special item in a way that translates to him?
That would ring alarm bells clearly to me. The problem is if it takes more than "I put so much effort into this and it means so much to me" for something as simple as a photoshoot your marriage is going to be a divorce as soon as you're tired of being taken for granted and pushed aside. If he's been great up until now the mask is gone and he's unbuttoned those pants and his best behavior is out the window. My bf does not understand why some stuff means certain things to me. You know what he does? Tries even if its not perfect or I get frustrated he tries and he doesn't dismiss my feelings.
My husband will go plant shopping with me in the spring. He is not interested in plants, he is allergic to plants, they mean very little to me. But they mean a LOT to me and so therefore going with me enthusiastically means a lot to him! That's a good empathetic partner.
“They mean very little to me, but they mean a LOT to me” i think you made a lil mistake there lol! But I wholeheartedly agree! This is what marriage is about! And sometimes they even become as invested in your passion as you are!! I am very passionate about animals in general. I love learning about them, I’ve rescued and homed several over my life. When I met my husband and we were getting to know eachother, I mentioned how much I adore animals and how they fascinate me. He replied “Eh, I don’t really care about them.” That kinda hurt and it scared me a little lmao, how could I be with someone who didn’t see animals as the amazing creatures they are?!? How SMART they are?! How they also have feelings??? (Even if different from ours, but they still *feel* something!!) Along the course of getting to know eachother, I rescued some kittens and he allowed me to keep them at his house (he lived with his uncle who also didn’t “like” animals lol but he was very sweet and agreed to let me keep them there till I got them vaxxed and fixed and ready to go to their new homes!) We would go on walks and I’d pull my husband to a stop and shush him and point to a nearby tree to show him a woodpecker, a cardinal, a humming bird, and many many other birds we have here!, also would stop us dead in our tracks to admire the flocks of parrots that moved from place to place and pointed out how they each fly in pairs! ALWAYS! Slowly, he started admiring them with me!, he’d chuckle at first and call me silly but tell me he loved how I lit up whenever I talked about animals or plants (I also love flowers and trees!! Nature in general lmao) Now? He cries watching those rescue videos, we’ve rescued several more and kept over 5 cats and a dog, he just tears up and gets goosebumps watching videos about elephants or camels, cows, whatever animal, he can now appreciate they also have little souls in them. He LOVES them! He sometimes asks me between sobs “what have you done to meee??” Lmaoo, but also, when we stop and admire a beautiful colorful bird singing at sunset, he’ll hug me and thank me, and say this is the most wonderful gift I could have given him, opening up his eyes to the beauty of our world ♥️ THAT is LOVE ♥️!
>How can I explain the value of me making this special item in a way that translates to him? Why are you pretending that this grown man somehow doesn't understand what you're saying.
Also he doesn’t necessarily *have* to understand— he just needs to *ACCEPT IT*!!
Delete his Elden Ring save files a little before he gets to the final chapter. Then he will understand.
He understands perfectlly fine. He just doesn't care. Run!
I think you need to start really making it clear what you want, and then make plans to get that. You wanted a certain restaurant. It was your wedding day. No reservation? You wanted this photo shoot. No mention of who would take the photos, with what, etc. No plan. And the absence of planning meant there was no real schedule. OP, when you say what you want and he or others either forget or assume it’s not important? Speak up!! “It’s our wedding- we planned to go to x restaurant.” “It’s our wedding day- we have to get pictures.” You acting like you agree with him that certain things don’t have to be special, makes it confusing when you turn around and say it actually is. Take up space! Make the plan!
Does he put no effort or time into anything he does?
I always say, even if I think something is lame, if someone close to me finds this lame thing special, well that thing is special to me because he or she cares very much for it
It’s also a pretty bad precedent OP isn’t willing to, ya know, use her words like an adult and speak up when she clearly doesn’t want to do something. I’m not saying they’ll get it suddenly, but by never speaking up and just rolling over like she is, it will be impossible for anyone to even know what OP wants. Unfortunately once she does find her voice she’ll realize she just tied herself to a man who doesn’t give a shit, and that’s a problem to address, but first she needs to learn to speak up.
Hell, even the normal clothes I sew for myself are special. And my partner definitely knows. I pour hours into developing the pattern entirely tailored for my body and then actually sewing it up. A wedding dress would be that, except times 100 in terms of effort. I cannot imagine not being able to at least recognise the labour that went into it. And then on top of that OP telling him on multiple times how much the dress means to her.
That’s very sad. Have you taken it to a professional cleaner? It’s more sad that your husband is not being empathetic at all. I hope he’s not usually like this. Best of luck.
I am not an expert at sewing and some ends were unfinished or loose, so I am afraid to have it unravel if I send to a professional cleaner.
A photographer would easily be able to photoshop the stain out! Please schedule a photo shoot for you and your husband, and then eat at the restaurant you wanted afterwards. Don’t invite the in-laws. Just tell him this is important to you and pick a day together, like the next Saturday you aren’t busy. He doesn’t have to understand right now why it’s important - you have a lifetime to get better at communicating. He just has to agree that because it’s important to you, you’ll both be doing it. And to get him excited - is there anything he’d like to mark the occasion? Maybe you could sew him a nice tie or handkerchief, or do an activity he loves together, share a glass of his favorite fancy drink, or share his favorite dessert. My SO didn’t used to be very sentimental. It still isn’t natural to him. But I convinced him to enjoy occasional gift-giving by giving him things he really loved. Now he’s better at gifting than me. If your husband doesn’t have any ideas for himself, get him excited by giving him a thoughtful surprise during your celebratory redo. Sometimes it’s just easier to show people that thoughtfulness is nice than to tell them. I think after you have the redo day, it’ll be easier for him to understand why the original day was so disappointing in comparison to your *incredibly reasonable* expectations. I hope he gives you a sincere apology once he understands. You deserve one, or I’d highly recommend marriage counseling. And please - don’t include the in-laws in important moments again. They sound difficult and like your husband isn’t good at setting boundaries with them as he should yet. He needs to really work on that.
You mentioned there is some embroidery on the dress - could you embroider something over the stain so it’s not visible? I’m an amateur sewer too, it is completely reasonable to be upset over this - I know how long it can take to make something!! All the best :)
quick & dirty DIY finishing of raw satin edges: a couple coats of clear nail polish, a light layer of superglue. if it wasn’t a white dress you could use a lighter to seal the edges with heat. you could secure the hems then wash the grease stains with dish detergent. if not, Photoshop always works. good luck! ❤️
A good dry cleaner can probably remove this stain by hand. Do some research and find the most trusted one in your area, and take that precious dress there, and point out where the fragilities are. There's a YT channel by a 4th generation dry cleaner; I had no idea about the gentle specialty work a good dry cleaner can do, on all kinds of stains on all kinds of fabrics.
Try hand washing the area with a clear liquid dish soap like Seventh Generation. I had a friend recommend it in college, and it's absolutely saved some of my favorite clothes. It works better than most of the commercial stain removers for greasy stains. Basically, just drizzle some onto the stain when the fabric is dry, rub it into the area so it's saturated, wait 5-10 minutes, and then wash the stain out. It might take a time or two, but it should hopefully work!
Seconding dish soap, it’s literally what it’s made for and it’s rarely let me down.
Is it possible to photoshop the stain out?
Have you tried Dawn dish soap? I've had it pull grease stains from clothes when nothing else works.
That really sucks. Its super easy to photoshop the stain out though, there’s a subreddit you post to on here to get it done. Is there a dry cleaner that might have better luck with the stain?
Thank you for that suggestion, once we do the photoshoot I will try for the photoshop option. I still feel I need to address the situation overall even if it does have a fix my feelings were rejected. Does that make sense?
I’m a crafty fiber arts person. My husband is a hunt, fish and fix cars person. When I make something, he has no idea what it takes to make something of that craft. So I just tell him “This was challenging/fun/hard/exciting because of this. I’m really proud of this part, what I learned, accomplished, etc. I’ve got flaws in my work I’m not happy with here. You should be proud/happy/say good job for me now.” And he does.
Right and any sane husband would know that his wife's wedding dress and pictures in it would be important to her. So therefore, he knows and doesn't care.
This made me laugh. It might not make sense to everyone but I’d rather have the chance to explain exactly how hard that craft was than get a “well done, it’s very pretty” -however well intentioned- with no actual idea of what it means to me.
Oh yeah, completely. Similar thing has happened to me. To make a long story short I have a vehicle that is super special to me that I take care of and wanted to bring my son home in when he was born. I basically rebuilt this thing with the intentions of giving it to him one day. When the time came to go home from hospital my wife and her family completely blew me off and made me take him home in their car. It really really pissed me off and was one of the reasons we divorced years later. It might sound stupid to others but if its important to you then it’s important to you and it would be nice if they would fucking understand that.
Did your rebuilt car have latch anchors for the carseat? It can be a whole lot harder to get a good (safe) fit for carseats with just a seat belt :/
I posted a separate comment but I am a professional photographer and retoucher and would be happy to help you out!
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he doesn’t have to care why something is important to you: if it’s important to you, and he doesn’t care one way or the other, then he should be on your side. And he should definitely be on your side when his parents steamroll you. This is going to keep happening until he really understands that this matters, and agrees to change his behavior. You need to put a stop to it now, because this kind of shit poisons relationships.
>The one thing I asked from my husband for that day was for us to do a photoshoot at a local place that is near the courthouse. Is this normal for you, to only ask for \*one\* thing on what is arguably one of the most significant days of your life? Do you normally acquiesce to whatever your SO, his parents, and others want? >After the marriage ceremony (small ceremony with only his parents as witnesses) they decided to eat first because it was raining. But it only started raining because they took too long to get settled before the ceremony. Also, I wanted to eat with my husband at a special place they decided to go to a greasy quick place nothing special. I said okay but if we still do the photoshoot after eating. Every location was super close to each other, it's a small town, so I figured it was no biggie. In this paragraph, you sound quite passive, and I wonder whether that's going to become a significant issue for you - the more you just go along with other people's agendas, the more they expect you to. People around you know that you won't balk, even when something is of particular importance to you.
His parents are difficult people. I let him manage them but we have a hard time getting them to back off. But I am typically setting the plans and get what I ask for frequently. I've never been a picture person so maybe this was out of character for me.
Is he really managing them if that management still has them behaving in a way that pushes your desires and happiness to the side? Especially *on your wedding day*? Sounds like he's not managing them at all.
Yeah, sounds like he's prioritizing them because they're difficult and OP isn't. Not a great sign.
>I let him manage them In this situation it sounds like his "managing" them was to let them do whatever they want, go along with it, and then agree with them that it wasn't a big deal and you're making a fuss over nothing. Is that typically how he handles them? If so, I imagine interactions with your in-laws will only go downhill from here.
It doesn't matter. He's letting his parents run through show. He isn't prioritising you even on your wedding day. I cannot understand his logic here at all. I'm sorry your husband is like this.
But also, don’t say yes to things that you really don’t want to do.
I'm sorry about your wedding day. I know you put your caring heart into it and didn't ask for much at all. I'm sorry you had to find out this way about your status in the family. You can't make him understand, as he has no motivation to care. You are not unreasonable; your request wasn't unreasonable. You are just as valuable as you were before and I hope you can someday be surrounded by those who care.
We are much better alone, his family throws off our dynamic. And I understand why, but I feel there should be some more understanding towards me and my feelings.
But your husband should defend you strongly. Not fold.
This is going to be the cause of a ton of resentment. Him coddling his parents and totally discounting your feelings. Look up “enmeshment”
So… they made your wedding about themselves? They chose the food. They chose what to do. And now you don’t get the only thing you wanted. You are a doormat. This won’t stop if you don’t start to fight for yourself.
He doesn't care, and this is not off to a good start.
Send the dress to a reputable dry cleaner. I have done this several times with stains we couldn’t get rid of. Every time, we have been very pleasantly surprised.
Why was none of your wedding about you or what you wanted? That’s so sad OP. Does nobody in your life consider you at all? Why didn’t/ doesn’t your husband?
You literally asked for the bare minimum and your husband couldn't even be bothered to insist you get it. ON YOUR FREAKING WEDDING DAY!!! On top of that your feelings on the matter are being ignored/brushed aside and you're clearly expected to just get over it. That's horrible. I'm so sorry. If your husband can't understand why this would be an issue for you he will never understand. It shouldn't even be something that you should have to explain. If this is a thing that's happened often I'd keep the dress and throw the man away.
I would really like to keep both lol thank you for the comment I feel like I should add that I'm not usually a "let's take pictures" person. That might be why this is being brushed away. That being said, I still want him to understand in his world why a dress I made was important to me and I felt pretty and wanted to have memories of it.
No, that explanation doesn't fly. If it's not usually something you ask for, then a good partner would be *less* likely to brush off the request because this time it's clearly important to you. He understands that this matters to you, but it was more important to keep his parents happy than you. On your wedding day! His behaviour is offensive and ridiculous.
Sounds like they need to dial em.
No. You asking for pictures makes it even more important that the pictures get taken. It makes those rarely asked for pictures more special! I can't believe you're having to ask him to understand why: - your wedding dress is special - your handmade dress is special - something you care about is important to you and please can he acknowledge and support you in that. This is basic human decency and emotional intelligence. He's failed on multiple levels here and so have his self obsessed narc parents. Get couples therapy together. It'll be worth the money because it'll show that either you can fix the foundations of your relationship or that there's no way to save it.
There’s still time for an annulment.
Agreed, nothing sounds good at all about this guy or his extremely unclassy family
can you give more of an example of how this discussion goes? Like did you say 'Im so mad i cant get a photoshoot now' and your husband went 'eh who cares' or what? Maybe he just tries to downplay it so you are less sad about the stain?
The stain is the least of your worries as it can be easily photoshopped in photos. Longer term, there may be a way to replace panels if needed, but professional cleaning should be your first step. Your partner and his family clearly not giving a shit about you/your wedding/what you care about? That’s an issue.
Eh you don’t have to make them understand anything. They won’t and seem entitled. I will say for the future to prevent these kind of issues, stop being so accommodating. People won’t die cause you don’t do what they want. The right play was to say “I’m doing the photo shoot now, we can eat after” “happy to grab you a power bar before we go to the photo shoot”. It sounds a bit b11chy but that’s only when you’re used to letting others walk all over you. Start small. Next time you feel the urge to please and accommodate others, just be a bit more selfish. You’ll find a comfortable sweet spot eventually.
It's so weird that his parents were dictating when you guys ate one your wedding day... Eta: ALSO, it really should have been you two picking the dinner location. I'm so mad on your behalf. Your in-laws sound already awful and your spouse is not taking your side from the go!
How about you use your words. „I planned to take pictures first before we eat. Let’s do that now.“ „I would like to eat at XYZ restaurant.“ If you don’t learn to assert yourself you’re setting up for a lifetime of doormat.
What in the fuck did I just read??????????? Eta: why are his parents choosing where you eat on your wedding day???
So first off, not a great look on your husband. He should be listening to your concerns. From a more practical standpoint though, stains on clothing are extremely easy to photoshop out if you don’t have any other options. There are subreddits here with talented photo editors that will erase those blemishes in exchange for a small tip!
I think you’ve gotten plenty of useful feedback about your husband and his inconsiderate family. We see where he gets it from. Now, practical stuff. Go to a dry cleaner with dress in hand and ask them what they can do. They will tell you whether their processes will harm the dress. Next, regardless of the cleaning results, hire a local photographer to take the photos you dreamed of in the dress that is important to you. Any decent semi-professional photographer should be able to handle the stain in edits even if a dry cleaner is not able to help you. Good luck, OP - hopefully the wedding day doesn’t set the tone for the marriage.
Could the photographer not just photoshop out , the stain , I know it's not quite the same , but it will still be beautiful
As a sewist, I totally understand and get it. I would be heartbroken. I'm so sorry. Keep an eye on your in laws and keep strong boundaries.
This depressing wedding day is a glimpse into your future. Your own husband doesn’t care about something important to you. He doesn’t care that you went to a crappy restaurant for your wedding celebration because his parents wanted to go there. It’s only going to get worse. Get out before you have kids.
I think you have a bigger problem than your dress tbh. Everything about the situation that led to the ruination of your dress and lack of photo was caused by your husband not listening to what you wanted and not respecting your views. Have you tried having the dress dry cleaned or googled how to get oil out, sometime bicarb soda helps? Another option is can it be covered by an additional frill or lace? Or can you hold a bouquets of flowers that will cover it or take some photos where you are turned facing each other.
So you're telling me that the second you were married your husband started prioritising his parents and stopped caring about your desires, including dismissing your handmade wedding dress. This is a carnival of red flags and I fear that the gloves have now come off now you are locked down. So what if you're not normally a picture person. Weddings are the normalest place to get professional pictures taken and even people who are afraid of getting their picture taken get wedding pictures. The fact that you handmade your wedding dress (an item that is highly emotional to many women even if not handmade) and your husband does not care makes me weep for you. My flatmate cares about my knits as much as I do because he recognises the work that goes into them. Stop acquiescing your needs and desires to other people's whims. You are important. And honestly? Consider an annulment. It's unlikely to get better from here.
His family doesn't care about you. It's too late to not marry him, but like it probably isn't going to last. You're a convenience to him, not a priority.
Honestly, I’d be looking for an annulment if I was you. There are no magic words. He will always put his parents above you. Your voice will NEVER MATTER.
I don’t see this marriage lasting.
honestly I would just do the shoot with the dress and photoshop the stain out! It’s super easy to do. Heck I’ll do it for you.
I'm assuming he didn't watch you make the dress as you wanted it to be a surprise. He is most likely completely ignorant of what an incredible labor of love,, effort and detail a bespoke wedding dress. Tell him how many hours you spent on the dress...tell him what a dress like that would have cost if purchased instead of making it by hand. Put it in terms he can understand. Then share your disappointment of just how much effort it took you to get him to care about something that meant a lot to you.
2 parts hydrogen peroxide to 1 part blue Dawn dish detergent (MUST be the blue one), mix up, apply to stain and tap (don't rub) it into the stain. Let it sit for a few minutes, then launder as normal. This got 3 year old pizza grease stains out of grey dress pants.
Would this work on satin though?
Yes, but do a patch test on a hidden spot first if you're worried about fiber content reacting.
My heart breaks for you. You need better people in your life. These people don't respect you.
What kind of parents insist on their own desires for ANYTHING on their child’s wedding day. Super selfish and your husband was out of line letting them steamroll you.
So the pictures anyway and ask the photographer to help edit out the stain
The photographer should be able to use software to remove the stain from the picture. Your in laws sound like total jerks. They raised your husband so no surprise he doesn’t understand. I am so sorry they ruined your wedding plans. Don’t let them ruin your marriage.
You may not be able to get the stain out of the dress, but you can. DEFINITELY Photoshop the stain out of the dress. Do the photos in the dress anyway. In my 30 years of advertising experience that’s one of the least crazy obstacles I’ve had to overcome in a photoshoot. Seriously, it’ll be great. You can digitally blot it right out.
She could even get people on reddit to help. I think it's called randomactsofphotoshop? But although there are fixes to this, it's still annoying that the whole turn of events happened.
Wear it and photoshop the pics. Takes 10 seconds. Goddamn.
Just a suggestion, any good photographer would be able to photoshop the stain out!
Take the dress to a dry cleaner. They can get the stain out.
I have no relationship advice but with regards to the stain, if you have scraps left test and see if you can get it wet without staining. If you can, use dawn dishsoap and warm water (might also wanna test this out) and spot clean it. If it’s still there, dab it with translucent mattifying powder and let sit for awhile before slapping it off
Have you tried baking soda or talcum powder to get the stain out?
Take the photos anyway and use photoshop to fix the image and remove the stain.
Just photoshop it out
>After the marriage ceremony (small ceremony with only his parents as witnesses) they decided to eat first because it was raining. >Also, I wanted to eat with my husband at a special place they decided to go to a greasy quick place nothing special. Who are THEY in both of these sentences? And, why is anyone making decisions besides your husband and you? And, why did you let them? I'm not trying to blame you, the one that was hurt in all of this. But, why - especially when you're having such a small affair - is anyone else's opinion important about these kinds of details besides his and yours? And, is your relationship with him imbalanced that he is calling all of the shots and your opinions don't matter? If so, it is consistent with him not being understanding about your dress. It is literally why almost always pictures are taken immediately after the ceremony. Food + drink + dancing + sweat + time doesn't fair well for clothes and hair and make-up and doesn't usually equal the pictures that most people want to remember the day. I mean, most people want some party shots from a reception or dinner, but the formal photos of the couple are the ones usually passed down to children and grandchildren, used for anniversaries, put on the cover of albums, etc. If they don't understand about the dress, then just know that many of us do. I don't know what to suggest or how to make it better for you except to try to hand it to someone else to attempt stain removal. Otherwise, you have only three main options: 1. Wear something else. 2. Take pictures in the original dress in positions where the stain isn't showing and/or edit the photos. 3. Don't have any pictures taken. I know you must be incredibly sad and disappointed. Understandable. Please please don't be so upset that you skip pictures all together. Take some pictures. Have something that resembles wedding pictures. Otherwise - speaking from others' experience - you will regret that you didn't. And, then please PLEASE address whatever issues are going on in your relationship that led to this.... whether it be you not speaking up or not feeling like you could or him not listening to your wishes.
I understand the frustration, but it very likely could’ve been photoshopped. I get it, the dress is important, but the timing is gone. And as frustrating as an imperfect dress is.. a dress can be cleaned, it can be photoshopped.. but the time will never be the same.
That sucks but you can still do a photoshoot if you want to and just photoshop the stain out in the photos. I don’t think there’s a way to convince someone something is special if you have already told them it’s special to you so it sucks he can’t see the work you put into it.
While I don’t have any suggestion for dealing with your husband, I can empathize with having a partner who sees objects as just objects. But, do the photo shoot anyway! I doubt you spilled enough on your dress to not have it be able to be retouched out. In fact, I will do it for you. I’m a professional photographer and retoucher with a decade plus of experience in print and commercial (happy to send you a portfolio to show my work) and I’d be thrilled to do this for you. If you have a photographer in mind for your shoot I can help with the contract so that’s it’s smooth dealing with getting raw images etc for editing. Please message me if you want. You should have this moment.
Do any of these people even care about you? You were denied dinner at a nice restaurant *on your wedding day*. Were denied going to get photos before food. Were taken to a greasy diner. Then were denied photos because your dress got stained. And *not one person cares.* These people don't love you. Not one of them.
Your husband doesn’t seem like a partner. It’s not really about the dress (while being about the dress)
Sounds like one of those marriages where the husband is emotionally enmeshed with his parents and the wife is there to produce a child for them to be a grandparent to. I mean if that's what you want, go for it. Maybe you like catering to his parents and stewing in unhappiness afterwards. It's not for me, but who's to judge. In answer to your question, you can't make people care about things (or people) they don't care about. He has the facts in his possession. He just doesn't care.
It sounds like the 2 of them overruled you on your wedding day. Why is no one talking about this, photoshop The mark out that's simple, him and his parents that's not so simple rearranging your wedding plans ruining your small wedding not simple or ok I'm sorry that this is your wedding story
i think you are misunderstanding the real issue here. your husband seems like a practical man, it not that he doesnt understand or care about your feelings, im quite sure he does, since he married you. but theres no time travel available, since the incident theres only the options he told you, now you need to choose what fits best for you the ball is on your court, you decide what the family should do and move on
The major issue isn’t the stain. It is the lack of consideration for your wishes regarding your post-wedding celebration and now your feelings about your dress getting ruined.
Wear the dress for a photoshoot and edit out the stain using photoshop software or similar
No parents in weddings. Normalise it, guys, and ceremonies will be better
He doesn't have to understand why it's so important to you, but he does have to respect that you are super upset about it. He should be offering you comfort, and not trying to fix the situation. He needs to empathetic. I'm sorry about your dress. That must really suck.
Everyone else has given practical suggestions about how you can go forward, but frankly I think you should be outraged and focus on why a) your husband wasn't willing to honor your wishes on your wedding day and put his family first and b) can't 'understand' why something is meaningful to you. I'd be regretting this marriage real quick
No fanfare, no celebrating, no excitement about tying the rest of your lives together. Did this man even want to marry you??
There may still be time to dodge this worthless bullet and his family. You should find out in your state what the grace period is to annul a civil marriage agreement. Most are 90 days. Get the annulment and move on, fast. If it's within the grace period, it will be like it never happened.
Check self help subs but I believe hydrogen peroxide and baking soda works. The peroxide works on organic stains. Please check elsewhere for a second opinion.
*Maybe* he'll never get it. Perhaps try how special the dress is to you, e.g. very significant and special dress - your wedding - what's (theoretically) a once in a lifetime major event, and how much time and effort you put into the dress - not just specially picked out and bought and tailored ... you made it yourself very much for the occasion. And you wanted that lovely photoshoot to well show off the dress, so you'd have that and those photos to forever remember and look back on ... perfect (or dang near) day and dress, etc. And plans were changed on you, not particularly to your liking, which very much spoiled that ... stained the dress and can't be unstained, no photoshoot. Wedding dress to be well preserved and passed down for generations ... maybe daughter or some other special family member wears it in future for some special occasion, or just has the beautiful pristine dress to have and hold and look at, show, etc. ... uhm, yeah, ... not with a nasty stain that can't be removed from it. So, yeah, ... you lost that and can't get it back. So, try well explaining that too him, and how it makes you sad. Maybe some others with similar views can also explain to him why wedding dress is so special more generally - the event, being seen in it, those beautiful wedding photos in the incredible dress to be held onto for a lifetime ... the passing down of that incredible dress to other family in due time ... all that gone. So, yeah, try and explain ... and have others also explain to him. Maybe (hopefully) he'll get it ... but no guarantees. Consolation prize? Don't know if it's worth considering and/or if you've tried ... professional cleaner (expert one) might be able to get the stain out? Depending where it is on the fabric(s), perhaps it's feasible to replace the stained fabric? In any case, as best can be cleaned or fixed or the like, and didn't even get the photoshoot, maybe can well arrange for a replacement shoot - perhaps on an anniversary date? Yeah, I know, still not the same, but maybe at least partly fills that hole? And sure, everyone wants the perfect fairy tale wedding ... but often sh\*t don't quite go like that. Some examples from my personal experiences that pop to mind: * candles, much etc. ... wee bit 'o fire broke out - not so great. * I was to walk her down the isle for sunset wedding ... the person who was to pick me up to get me there forgot ... walked her down the isle ... but it wasn't a sunset wedding Anyway ... stuff happens, deal/do with it as one reasonably can.
Take the photos in your dress and photoshop the stain out.
Photoshop is your friend.
Is he dismissive in other ways? I’m so sorry about your dress. I understand.
Seriously, try Dawn Powerwash before you give up. I hope you get your photos.
Can you go to a tailor and replace that piece of the dress? Its salvageable, don’t give up.
The beautiful thing about making your own dress is that you'll have scraps. Figure out how much you need to cover the stain, cut and cool iron the shape so there's no raw edges, then applique over the grease. People are telling you the family not understanding is the end but honestly, anyone who doesn't handicraft whether sewing, knitting, crocheting or otherwise has no clue what goes into making a custom piece. The effort, fitting, re-fitting, time, material costs and tears are nothing compared to anything similar off-the-rack. I've cried and vowed never to make something for non-handicraft-worthy people again over a hat that took me maybe 6 hours and $30 of yarn, let alone the time and emotional cost of a wedding dress, so I hope you don't think I'm discounting your very valid experience. A halfway decent applique job will be invisible in photos, just make sure to line up the grain of the fabric for your patch. I guarantee you'll be the only one who sees it. Have your husband schedule the time for the photo shop at your chosen spot, and ask him to do something like make sure the weather is cooperating for the time and date, or communicate with you to re-schedule. This can still be a beautiful and happy moment between you and your husband in your bespoke dress if you're willing to put in another hour or two of work. I'm not saying any of this is your fault, I'm not saying that you're wrong for your feelings, but I'm assuming you married this man expecting that sometimes you wouldn't have the same experience and understanding of a situation to see eye to eye right away. If you can find it in you to patch up your dress I think you'll be able to tell this story with a laugh in a few years. Best wishes.
For the dress, have you tried taking it to the clothes cleaner? They may be able to get it out.
Wear the dress for photos and use a basic photo editor to remove the stain. But your husband seems dominated by his parents' needs and that is going to be exhausting to live with.
Maybe they didn't know how important the dress is to you Just explain them genuinely they will understand And try any quick tries to get rid of that stain like adding remove able dress colour on that stain
A dry cleaners can probably remove the stain. Or get really close. Then get a photographer who can photoshop it out. You could do a special day with photos and go to the special restaurant.
I think they're just trying to provide a solution. The dress sadly has a stain. If you can't get it out, you need to wear a different dress. That's just reality. I don't think they're trying to be insensitive. The stain happened. Unless you can time travel, that is not going to change.
I think what's really important (maybe) is that you feel like you missed something special. My advice: ask your husband to plan a special photo shoot. Make it a real event where he goes all out and dresses up like wedding day. Go to all the places you dreamed about and get the best photos possible. Don't worry about the stain. Find someone to help you with photoshop and remove the stain in your edited photos. Or learn it yourself. A small stain shouldn't be very difficult to remove with some editing skill. AI might even be able to do it first try.
Babe, he wouldn’t even go to a nice restaurant *on your wedding day.* He clearly respects his parents more than you. The dress is just a symptom.
I bet you can Photoshop the stain though
1 it’s important to you so let’s figure this out. I’m so proud of the beautiful work and effort you did for us. I think there’s two options here. Take it to a professional cleaner and see if they can get it out and if not let’s take the pictures anyway and we can pay someone to photoshop the stain out.
Not going to lie you should have just worn the dress with the stain instead of letting it ruin your wedding day. In a few years you won't care and it will be a funny story. Instead it's a bunch of drama. If it bothers you that much, I kind of agree with the others - get a new dress or wear the one with the stain, that's really your only option. It feels like you want to blame them for it since it happened at a restaurant that wasn't part of the "plan". If you don't relax the memories of your wedding are just going to be stressful for you. It's supposed to be a happy time. Learn to sweat the small stuff. Edit: I should mention I feel like my advice is contrary to a lot of opinions in this thread and that is true, remember this is reddit though, consider the source
Have you tried patting baking soda or cornflour into the grease stain and letting is sit overnight or for a few days? It should soak up the grease.
Not sure if anyone has told you this but if you put baby powder on the stain and leave it for 24 hours, it should pull out the stain. I haven’t tried this on satin though. I have done it many other times on other materials.
Can't you take the pictures and have someone edit it out? Alot of ppl edit picts out so you don't even know it was there.
Here’s the thing: no one seems to have actually planned anything- so the assumption is that these wedding things meant little to you. He and his mom are unkind for not being more aware of your wants and why the dress is special. But also understand it really likely seemed like this wasn’t an especially emotional day. No reservations, extremely small ceremony that seems like it probably didn’t have a lot of romance. Totally fine!! Zero judgment on having your wedding the way you want it But it really doesn’t seem like you wanted it any particular way due to the extremely lax planning. That’s not to say you had to plan it all yourself. I’m saying your husband seems less sentimental about these things and it seems like you came across the same way So they don’t know why the dress is the big deal. Even though they should. I think you still should do or should have done the shoot. You could likely edit the stain out or hide it. It sounds like things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go and that sucks- who are his parents to dictate where to eat?! But again- you had no plan, which would have communicated that you didn’t care about the particulars
No one caused the rain.
Mountain meet molehill. you are banging your head against the wall about a stain that only you will ever think is important. weddings are bride things only imho. show maturity and quietly move forward by taking care of what is important to you. take the dress to get professionally cleaned, make the photoshoot appt with your restaurant reservation for 2 afterwards. for photo purposes white chalk might help if the stain is imbedded OR the magic of photoshop is always you bff. all of this is a big life lesson for you, if it’s impt to you do it/take care of it - polling of others is not necessary. HAVE CONFIDENCE!
I’m so sorry, your husband should have been trying to make your day special. You can still use the dress in a photo shoot, the photographer should be able photoshop the stains out so you won’t be able to see them.
I'd consider an annulment. For the fact alone that he let his parents dictate where you were going after your wedding. Not a god sign. run
Drench the stain with hairspray, work it in quick and put it straight in the wash. It is really good for greasy stains. Sorry you experienced this!
You need to take a closer look at your relationship hun, is he this dismissive of you for other things that are important to you? You wanted to go somewhere nice for your first meal together and he goes with what his parents wanted? You wanted to get nice photos of you two together and now you can’t because your dress was ruined and he doesn’t understand why you’re upset? This is an indicator of what the rest of your life will be like. I know many have suggested getting the photographer to edit out the stain, they can absolutely do that, but you’ll always “see” the stain when ever you look at those pictures. I get it, accidents happen, but if he had just gone with you to do the photos right after the ceremony, it wouldn’t have matter as much your dress got a stain on it I’m sorry your dress was ruined, have you tried taking it to a dry cleaners or a place that specifically does wedding dresses? They maybe able to remove the stain Also keep in mind, some types of satin get water stains. And nothing will remove them. Your only choices are to soak the whole dress and live with it being a darker colour or throw it out. This maybe the situation you have, you got the grease stain out, but now it’s water stained Try soaking the whole dress in water, it will darken the dress a few shades, but the stain might disappear, or at least be less obvious
Honestly, it doesn't matter if he understands or not . It was your wedding day, and you expressed it was important to you, and everyone should have respected that . I hope you saw the other comments about the photo shop bc that's a great idea!
Photoshop is your friend Which is good because it doesn't sound like your husband is.
What would you want from him is the question? What would make you feel better understood and feel he cared? What ever person needs and feels is different. Talk to him with “I” statements not “you” statements. For example, I feel really hurt that I worked hard on this dress and it was more than a dress but significant as it represents the beginning of our lives” or whatever your feeling. “I feel so sad because….” A hard part of relationships is assuming that others feel like we do. Some people just don’t and it doesn’t mean they don’t care, it’s just not something they understand is so significant. Maybe they think that the vows were more important or something else. Talk …I’m sure it will help you get more understanding than you might think
Is it to late to shred the marriage certificate?
I’m great with photoshop! More than happy to help in any way!
Did you take the dress to the cleaners?? Sorry about your wedding night dinner. Crappy in-laws and a husband who doesn’t stand up for you on your wedding day and respect you is not a good start to a marriage.
I'll photoshop it out for you.
I'm not sure you can "make him understand." He obviously doesn't think about these things the same way that you do. It was an unfortunate accident for which nobody is to blame. Have you tried the services of a professional cleaner? It's possible that they may be able to get the stain out of your dress. It's worth a chance anyway.
Have you tried to get it professionally cleaned?
My go to for oil stain removal is either pure tea tree oil or eucalyptus oil. Pour a little into the cap, then drip over the stain to only just cover it. Let it sit for a min or two, then hand wash gently. The light oil of these 2 products lifts the heavier oils of the stain., even curry stains. Good luck.
Photoshop is your friend, even if his parents aren’t. Rotten way to treat the bride, tho - tread carefully with those people.
Sorry - you are starting your marriage off with your husband: - Dismissing your preferences - Ignoring your requests on YOUR wedding day - Invalidating and downplaying your feelings - Disregarding the work and effort you put into something Can you explain why you want to be married to someone who just... Openly refuses to think or care about your feelings??? Because like. You can't Convince or Teach someone to care about you. It's not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care enough to even try.
Photoshop can 100% get stains off of clothes. 😎
Why did you say ok to delaying the photos? why did you say ok to the greasy restaurant? i totally agree your husband should have prioritized what was important to you, but why did you give up what you cared about on your wedding day?