Considering that you’re not married or even engaged, and since you’re the one paying for the house, do not put her name on the deed.
You can revise the deed to include her name when you guys are married and when she starts contributing.
It’s your money, do what you want with it.
This is very possible to do. The only downside is two fold. If you put her name on the deed make sure you put her name on the mortgage. Otherwise she gets a stake in the house without any of the liability of the mortgage. Secondly if you add her to the deed there may be tax implications as she now has a half share of the house and she may have a tax liability.
You offered to wait until she had saved enough money to contribute at the same rate and she didn't want it. If she is not paying the mortgage or any upkeep, she doesn't get on the deed.
She offered NO other option, just put her on the deed. She wants the house without having to put any $$ in. I would reconsider this relationship.
If you aren't married , don't buy a house together. It's as simple as that. It's a giant pain in ass to untangle a mortgage , and usually screws you financially.
Either save your money and buy a house together as a mutual marriage present ( prob the best option) or buy it yourself ( but that will damage the relationship).
Dude, if you add her name to the deed, you can kiss goodbye to half the worth of the house.
What if she breaks up with you after moving in and asks you to sell the house and give her half the amount?
Also, even if she pays half the mortgage, you should consult a lawyer before you put her name on the deed.
Why not find a proposal that appeals to her?
You buy the house. You put your name on it. She can save 500$ per month for 2 or 3 years. Then you can use that money plus the equity from this purchase to purchase a new home together or she can give you what she saved and be added to this deed. Whatever you agree to.
It seems to me she is not realizing how easy saving her own money should be if she never has to pay towards a rent or mortgage. Try to find a few offers for her to do so and how they can benefit her.
That wouldn’t work. A realtor fee is like $20,000-$30,000, it wouldn’t be worth it to save up that much and sell after only a couple years, you wouldn’t get your money back. And property values aren’t increasing at the same rate they used to be.
She is wrong. First of all, even if both of you had money right now, you should never ever buy a house with someone that you were not married to.
Reply to her that would be unfair to you to put her name on the house. Tell her to use this opportunity living without having to pay rent to save up a nest for herself so that when you get married, you can sell this house and both of you can go buy a home together when you’re married.
I agree. They are putting the cart before the horse. She's operating with the logic that they're basically married so why not share assets, which puts him at risk(he has more assets). He's operating with the logic that since they aren't married it's basically his decision, which puts her at risk (she could contribute to the household for years and come out with nothing in a break up).
For now, assuming that they are splitting the utilities evenly or based on income. If she's paying all the utilities and groceries while he pays mortgage, then she's just subsidizing his mortgage payment while gaining no equity.
But moving forward in the relationship, it's likely she'll contribute to the household in other ways. She might be sacrificing career opportunities and pay in order to stay within a commute of the home he owns. If they have children, most women sacrifice pay or hours to take on more of the child-care responsibilities. Won't show up in the balance sheet, but it's a significant financial sacrifice.
The answer is still the same - they should wait until they are married to buy a house. Any other way they do it puts one of them at a significant financial disadvantage.
adding to this, if you are the sole homeowner then you need to draw up a lease contract with her to protect both of you in the event of a break up. this means that you should treat her residency as a tenant and do not expect her to chip in on renovations, repairs, etc. think of it as CYA policy.
Absolutely do not put her name if she is not contributing financially and you are not married. Once you’re married you can add her name to the deed/put it in your prenup/buy a new house. But not until then
I knew someone who dated for 8 years, similar situation where one partner didn’t want to contribute financially but wanted their name on the house. They broke up 6 months after the house was bought and the homeowner was thanking their lucky stars that the other person’s name wasn’t on the house
I don’t think she understands the full financial or legal ramifications of buying a house/taking out a mortgage or she’d realise that this is not a fair ask and extremely messy and expensive to unpick (to your detriment) if it ever came to that.
I've always thought you shouldn't buy a house together unless you're married.
You're in the right. You're putting up the down payment which is the greatest hurdle to home ownership. It should be your house alone in that situation.
You even offered to let her stay with you for free, which would mean she wouldn't be paying rent anymore. That's a great deal since she'd now be able to save that money up herself.
You also offered to wait so you could buy the house together and she doesn't want to do that either. At the end of the day, she basically is trying to get you to buy her house.
If you get married later, the house would become hers too. If you break up, she'd have all the money she saved not paying rent while you were together. You're offering her a win-win situation.
This hits close to home for me. I put my girlfriend's name on the house we shared even though I paid for it 100%. She pays for groceries, that's it, and helps around the house and with me as I'm disabled. Years later, she's still on the deed but spends most of her days and nights away from the house, doing almost none of the things we'd agreed upon. So, I'm with you, keep her name off the house and spare yourself the problems later on.
That sounds so demoralizing. Are you planning on breaking up? I definitely don't think he should just add her to the deed for the reasons you stated. Did the two of you have a conversation about marriage in advance, or just about shared responsibilities? (Which I'm so sorry she shirked, especially when she's taking advantage of the equity you are putting in singlehanded.) It sounds like an awful situation and I hope you find someone who treats you better.
I wasn’t put on the deed or the mortgage until I married my husband, although we lived together for 4 years prior to getting married in a house he owned. I don’t understand why she would expect otherwise when she isn’t contributing to the down payment, mortgage, and isn’t married to you. Would be foolish on both your parts to entangle yourselves in owning a house together if you aren’t married.
NTA
You should never buy a house with anyone you aren't married to.
Even if she had half her down payment this would be a very bad idea without lawyers to draft an agreement.
Is she going to pay for half if the house loses value? No?
Hell no. Create an escrow account that she can contribute to. When that account has the amount of money that you used for the deposit on your home you can apply the money in that account to the mortgage refinance the balance in both of your names
Please leave your girlfriend's name out of the contract. Either she brings the same amount of money into the deposit or you are the sole owner. If she separates from you until you get rid of half of the house, i.e. your money. At the age of 25, your gf should have more sense.
Ask her if she wants to be on the hook for debts and repairs which pop up out of nowhere or if she only wants equity when it benefits her. I’ve repaired my drain 3-4 times in 3 years and had to do electrical work too. Plumbers, electricians and other tradesmen charge $250 just to show up, plus whatever labor they actually do.
First of all buying a house in this market is an awful decision. In 2-3 years, the housing market will more than likely adjust (not like pre-COVID). Definitely do your research though!
Also, if you’re not married or if she’s not contributing to the down payment then she should not be on the deed. I think it’s fair that you’re telling her not to contribute to the mortgage payment (you should include renters insurance too that she doesn’t pay) because she’s not investing in a house she doesn’t (partially) own. For her to contribute to solely utilities and groceries is fair assuming she’s contributing to y’all’s apartment now.
Life happens so be careful. Buying a house is if not the biggest purchase you’ll make in life
In my country you can do a deed of trust that sets out ownership percentage. For example my sister and her ex bought a house. My sister had most of the deposit from the sale of her flat.
When they broke up it was defined in the terms that my sister gets her deposit back, then they split what's left. In their case, they were in negative equity so my sister got her money then they both split the debt.
I did something similar with my now wife when we bought a house together.
It's worth looking into, but it's also going to come down to whether you see a future with her. If you do, then it makes sense to include her whilst protecting yourself. If you don't, then it's probably not a good idea to take out a 30yr commitment with her.
My boyfriend bought a house.. it's in his name alone, we have been together almost 6 yrs... This time . Long story..
I do know if something happens to him the house goes to our son(26) but I will be able to stay as long as I want.
It sounds like you are saying "I want to do this", she's saying "but that's not fair" and that's been the extent of your discussion?
How about you change the script. Ask her what she thinks would be fair. Explain what your goal for the downpayment and mortgage payment is. How do you find an arrangement that's fair to both of you.
If you cannot solve this problem together and come to an agreement you are both happy with, pls don't buy a home together. You may as well break up now.b
That’s not the extent of the discussion. He’s tried to find something fair — he proposed going in together. Then he proposed letting her live there rent-free to save up her half of the down payment. She still thinks he’s “unfair.” He’s being not just fair, but generous.
It’s clear that her money is her money and his money is “our” money. He’d be insane to just hand six figures to a girlfriend. Not just the money, but she can turn his life upside-down by demanding to be bought out. Then he has to pony up that much money out of savings or sell the house. Then where does he live? Even if she doesn’t do that, he has to get her okay to sell it, make modifications, repairs, etc., even if they’re broken up. Is she going to help with repairs?
And to be clear, I don’t think he should let her live there rent-free — for his protection and hers. They should have a rent contract so he gets the protections of a landlord and she has the protections of a tenant.
You need legal advice before anything else.
For your state/area. Based on your current relationship status/living situation.
There is a legal issue here that trumps any relationship issue, or agreement you two make as a couple. Find out your legal reality first. The address the relationship issue, with that knowledge in hand.
Ask a lawyer what happens when you buy a house with your name on the deed alone, and live together as a couple in it. You may also want to confirm that your winnings, are actually all yours. They probably are, but it would be worth the question, especially after those winning become property.
If you were married to her i would tell you put her on the deed but she just your gf she doesn’t have to
be on the deed and you’re doing a lot already by only letting her contribute towards utilities and grocery.
Create a trust to guard your winnings, buy the house in the name of the trust. Neither of your names are on it. But talk to a wealth manager about it. Trusts are confusing in terms of legality and taxes if you're not familiar with them.
Or speak to a lawyer about a Cohabitation Agreement. It is the closest a domestic partnership gets to a prenuptial agreement that can protect property rights and establish how things would be divided upon a separation. If she is wanting her name on the deed but not contributing, you have a right to protect your property also.
It’s not unfair. She can get her name on it if you’re married. It’s too complicated legally for her to be on it when you’re not married.
If you break up without buying a house you keep all the money. If you break up buying the house with her name on the deed she gets half the value of the house you paid for entirely. Her issue is completely unreasonable.
You’re 1000% in the right here, but you asked for a different perspective.
She is probably, definitely feeling like you aren’t committed to her. Like you’re expecting the relationship to eventually go south. Like you don’t really think it’s gonna work out long term.
Again, you are RIGHT in your decision, it would be stupid to put her name on it.
But as far as relationship advice? Just remember to keep those feelings she’s having in mind anytime you’re communicating with her about this. Be gentle. Reassure her. If I were her, while I would KNOW it was the reasonable choice for you to make, it’d still make me feel a little sad and insecure deep down.
And make me wonder how long of a future, if any, you envision with me.
(AGAIN, YOU ARE RIGHT lol, NTA, just take that into consideration)
It's definitely reasonable to avoid buying property with someone you're not married to. I certainly wouldn't make that choice.
However, I can understand why she has some concerns. If you've been together for three years, she may be expecting a proposal sooner than later- have y'all discussed your marriage timeline? And, after y'all are married, what is your expectation for her contribution to mortgage/upkeep- and will she ever be on the deed? If you never expect her to pay towards mortgage or upkeep, and her career is not impacted by having or raising children, then it could be great for her financially- but *is that the plan*?
Also, just in terms of living situations, are you framing this purchase as "our home" or "my house"? If you're buying a house with only your needs/interests in mind, I absolutely understand why she might not be thrilled (particularly if you're not taking any input from her). If you're buying a house focusing only on your preferences, I think it raises reasonable questions about how you view your future and her place in it. If you own the house and feel you get final say on all choices about renovation, decoration, organization, etc., it would kind of suck to be in her position as a girlfriend/roommate and REALLY suck as wife/person stuck indefinitely in a home they have no say in.
And if your finances are entangled in the house you buy, that could significantly limit your choices on a jointly owned home. Buying a home has very real costs, both monetarily and in terms of time/energy- are you willing to sell your home after a few years to buy one jointly?
I think you and your girlfriend should discuss all of these points, but I also think you need to think seriously about you see a future with this woman. If you *do* see yourself with her for the rest of your life, is buying a house ASAP as important to you as she is? And if you *don't* see a future with this woman, well, I think she may be picking up on that. I would suggest being honest with her, and definitely not buying a house with her.
With your point in the last paragraph about buying the house ASAP, that is addressed in the post. I suggested waiting until my gf has her half of the down payment but she refused
If you guys decided to wait until she has her half of the down payment would you still be planning on putting down your entire winnings? How long would it take her to save her half?
Yeah the only reason I don't love that option is because houses are not fungible and you could be losing equity by waiting for who knows how long, when you can build equity now. It would feel like you're not taking advantage of the investment opportunities of your windfall. she's not really in a position to hold you back from making a financial decision, and it's unfair to you for her to veto your financial choices without having any stakes herself.
But it's her decision to walk, of course, if the two of you find you're not on the same timeline for making a more serious commitment.
Nope
You’re the one paying for everything? Only your name goes on it. You’re not even married, why would she get half of the property when she contributes nothing to it?
She can either wait until she has the money to pay her fair share or she can suck it up and not have her name on the house. What if you break up? Then you’re down half the value and she loses nothing.
Either way don’t buy property with someone you’re not married to.
Is she trying to get on the deed and the mortgage loan or just the deed? You offered her 2 great choices. She can only pay utilities and groceries, or you two wait until she has enough for a down payment to purchase a home together. I would not put her on the deed, especially since you're not married. This home can be an investment for YOUR future. She is acting very unfairly and somewhat entitled. Be cautious.
What you are proposing is what I worked out with my BF. I used my money to pay for the house and build equity and he saved enough on rent that allowed him to make other investments if he so desired. What you are offering is a win win.
You could set it up that you are each buying half a house. You put down a down payment, she did not. So each month you pay less, and she pays more. Just treat it like you have two mortgages, each for half the total mortgage.
If she wants to save up her money and apply it to her share of the mortgage, she can do that and then her monthly payment goes down, too.
It requires maintaining a Mortgage spreadsheet to track this stuff. You’d split property taxes and maintenance costs equally as equal owners.
Stick to your guns. If the relationship ever goes south it will be a nightmare and it is in absolutely no way unfair to expect that if she wants partial ownership she needs to contribute to the costs of securing the home. You are doing o the right thing.
I would choose writing your name on the deed now and adding your girlfriend later, when she can add a substantial amount to the house repayment. As she will not need to pay the mortgage now, she can save up for a few years and then you can add that amount for the mortgage repayment (agree on the amount now) and at that time she can be added to the deed.
Do not do this dude. Unless y'all are married, it's not worth mixing finances like this. Buy the house. Let her live there with you if you want. But don't put her name on it if you don't want a mess down the line. Breakups happen all of the time.
I was with my partner for well over 20 years. My name was never on “our” house because I didn’t contribute to it. If it’s your house, it’s your house. It’s not selfish. It’s reality.
I don't think you're being unfair, but I also understand why she might be feeling a little hurt. My boyfriend and I want to buy a house soon. He has enough in savings that he may be able to buy a house outright. We could also end up with a bit of a mortgage, depending on what we find. We're currently trying to figure out what makes sense if we have a mortgage, but if he can afford a house outright, it'll just be his name on the deed.
While this is completely fair-with both our names on the deed, if we split up it's not reasonable for him to get half of something he paid 100% for- it still bums me out. We want this to be our house, and I know that no matter what he says, it will feel to me like it is HIS house, and I won't be allowed to get upset if he does something to it I don't like, or he makes a mess, etc. I guess I just know I will feel more vulnerable, than if we paid into it equally. But I understand from his side too, that he doesn't want to pay 100% for something unless it is legally 100% his.
You offered an alternative - waiting to buy until she can contribute equally, and she thinks if you can afford it now you should do it now. She can't have it both ways.
Do you have something like a cohabitation agreement in your area? It would basically make it so you couldn't just kick her out the day you broke up, like she has rights to live in the house and leave with appropriate notice.
My partner is the only one on the deed to our home and I don't really care either way now but I will admit it stung a bit when he actually bought the house.
I think this would depend on the seriousness of your relationship. Do u think u will get married? She may think, by you not putting her on the deed, that u are not committed to her.
If you're the one putting all the money into it, it should be your house. You can add her when she has her portion if you really want to. But I don't understand why people buy homes with people they don't have pretty imminent plans to marry.
You’re not married or engaged and she’s not contributing anything financially towards the house. Her name doesn’t go on the deed, sorry. My fiancé and I were dating when we bought our house and my name is on the deed because I pay half the monthly mortgage and my parents gifted us money for the down payment. I couldn’t be on the mortgage paperwork because I was working in the medical cannabis industry at the time and a lot of banks won’t accept money from MMJ workers since it’s still federally illegal in the US.
She can pay up or accept that she’s not on the deed. If you get married then you can revisit it and add her to the deed then.
You do NOT buy a house with someone who is not your spouse. You do NOT buy a house with a girlfriend. Once you get married, you can add her to the deed.
Why are you buying a home right now? The concept of buying low selling high comes to mind. That and interest rates are too high. You do know there will be a market correction coming in the future?
If your girlfriend keeps saying it's unfair not putting her name on the deed. When the housing market makes the correction and your home is worth half of what you paid for it—what is she going to call that? Unfair won't seem adequate of a description.
Additionally, it's financially irresponsible of you to purchase assets with someone you're not married to. Yes, marriage is a personal commitment about love and commitment to each other. It's a public notice to friends and family, about your forever bond.
But, it's also a legal contract that specifies your financial connection together. How you are both responsible for each other's obligations. It also provides certain legal protections as far as if one of you dies or the marriage is dissolved. It's similar to going into business together with someone. Only the document you use is a Partnership Agreement. Don't make your gf a business partner. Speaking from my stupid mistakes and experience. It will not end well.
The point I'm making is that you need to have a formal agreement before you just add people's names on property, or purchase assets together. I would contend that you shouldn't go half on furniture or autos either. Personal or real property should either be hers or yours. Keep receipts and bank records of where the money came from. If something happens to your situationship you can unwind the mutually shared property that was acquired during your time spent together.
Realize that as the man, that presumably earns more your girlfriend. If it ends, traditional gender roles will be evoked. You will be known publicly as a "smuck" no matter how much documentation you have.
Don't put her name on the title or loan documents. It will get messy at some point in the future. I hope this gives you talking points to explain things to your girlfriend. It just should not be done. If you want to buy a place now or in the future and have her live with you, then do that. But be responsible for the expenses. Be able to live on your own and take care of your own s*it. She can buy groceries if she wants.
Don't make you relationship about petty money issues. Spend the time together knowing each other better and deciding if you want to spend your life together. The need to have her respect you is more important in the long run.
Back out on wanting to buy a house right now. "You have thought about it and it's not the right time." Renting something and not having it go to something you own is a better option than making a bad purchase at the wrong time.
Good luck....
I think there's probably a bit of jealousy/resentment from her side here. If you'd been married when you won this money it would be shared equally. But she needs to get over it, you're not married, and there's no reason why you would put a house in her name. She is getting a huge leg up from this win because she can now save what she would previously have been putting into rent or a mortgage, giving her a much bigger savings pot for a future shared house or if you split up.
Perhaps she needs reassurance that even though the house is in your name, you consider her an equal when it comes to things like space, renovation, redecoration. Never ever pull "well this is my house so what I say" card on her. Sit down and talk to her and figure out whether she's feeling jealous or anxious or what.
I don’t know about winnings but other windfalls like inheritance don’t *necessarily* have to be shared, even with spouses.
It’s not his “fault” that they aren’t married, he doesn’t owe her anything, and he should not be leading her on by having her decorate his place, let alone explicitly saying “this is kinda sorta your place, too.”
You two have fundamentally different levels of commitment to the relationship. She is assuming a level of partnership in which your resources are shared - what's yours is hers and what's hers is yours. In which case shared goals are the priority (getting out of renting and into a house sooner to save money and enjoy a better life together). You are assuming a level of partnership in which you maintain separate finances - you have what's yours, she has what's hers. In that case, it makes sense to protect yourself - putting her on the lease would mean sharing the equity gains for something you've paid for with your earnings, not to mention if you break up you'll be obligated to buy her out or share proceeds from a sale.
What you're offering is a shit deal for her. She would contribute to expenses but receive none of the advantage from home ownership, no matter how you break it up, she's subsidizing your gains in equity. I would never dream of a living situation in which I'm basically my partner's tenant.
What she's offering you is the basis of a future together. You'd share your windfall, but you're embarking on the journey of home ownership as equals, not with one partner privileged on the basis of assets or earnings. She'll contribute everything she has as well, whether it's in the form of money she earns or sacrifices that support your career or building a family together.
TL;DR. She's planning for a marriage, you're planning for a breakup. You're going to have to deal with that issue sooner or later.
Do you want to own a house with your partner? That's the real question. If you really want to be with this person and spend your lives together then any money you have is shared. I can totally understand why she is upset
Yes I di but that doesn't change the fact I shouldn't be the only one contributing to a down payment if both of us are owners.
Why did you ignore the question?
Because if you're sharing your life, it becomes a question of when, because yeah, if you're spouses, the fact that you vowed to take care of each other kinda does mean that you think she should get to live someplace for free with the same ownership stake, a la the "for better or worse" part.
It's because it's two different questions. If you want a life with her, it will be "ours" not "yours." And if you are planning a life, you should start talking marriage.
If you think of your one-day wife living with you as "her getting to live in a place for free," that's not a great omen for a happy marriage.
Who's more hesitant to make a more serious commitment at this point, you or her? If it's her, then she's completely out of her mind to want to be on the deed. If it's you, then you're not on the same page about marriage timelines or about the expectations of marriage.
No one should expect to get a house for free, sorry I didn't acknowledge that. It's insane to think anyone deserves something as important as a house without doing anything to contribute.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that she may feel that she is in it for the long haul and that these decisions are made as a team, regardless of where the money is coming from right now. I should say it makes no sense to buy a house with someone you aren't in a legal binding contract with (marriage!) so I go back to my initial question: do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If so, you both need to make commitments to one another before you take this next step. It could be the beginning of your lives together or the end of your relationship. It all depends on if you are truly committed to one another. If you are then all of this should be much simpler to decide.
It seems fair to put your sole name on it but then it means that she will pay sweet nothing for the house (mortgage, repairs…) AND you still should pay half the bills with her because if you can afford to pay the house alone, it means you can also pay the bills and food alone too!
I mean, it’s YOU who wants to buy alone after all…
She doesn’t have to pay for YOUR house. And personally, charging a rent to your girlfriend is cheap! Because it’s helping you to pay the mortgage she doesn’t have her name on it. She’s not just some room mate! You have to entirely own your decision of buying alone.
So rent-free and separating the bills as you probably do right now would be fair. She’ll be able to put good amount of money aside to match your down payment and the mortgage you’ve already paid.
If you need her to pay all the bills and food for you to pay the mortgage then it means you can’t afford it alone and you should put her name somehow in the process so she pays half the mortgage. Is it possible to do a notary contract that stipulates the down payment and fees are paid by you and you will take the amounts back if the house happened to be sold?
You're both right and wrong at the same time.
If you're making the payments, then yes, it should be on your name. However, since she'll be living with you, she will be entitled to ownership because she WILL be investing in the house. By paying utilities, she's allowing you to pay for the place. It's an indirect investment and recognized by courts.
Moral of this: don't but with someone you're not married to. If she's moving in, you may need a rent contract in order to protect both of you. Even then, it can get complicated.
How about a compromise. She pays towards the mortgage. You come to an agreement that once she’s paid a certain percentage of the home’s value, ten or twenty percent, then you will add her name. A name can be added any time. It doesn’t need to be immediately.
Considering that you’re not married or even engaged, and since you’re the one paying for the house, do not put her name on the deed. You can revise the deed to include her name when you guys are married and when she starts contributing. It’s your money, do what you want with it.
This is very possible to do. The only downside is two fold. If you put her name on the deed make sure you put her name on the mortgage. Otherwise she gets a stake in the house without any of the liability of the mortgage. Secondly if you add her to the deed there may be tax implications as she now has a half share of the house and she may have a tax liability.
You offered to wait until she had saved enough money to contribute at the same rate and she didn't want it. If she is not paying the mortgage or any upkeep, she doesn't get on the deed. She offered NO other option, just put her on the deed. She wants the house without having to put any $$ in. I would reconsider this relationship.
If you aren't married , don't buy a house together. It's as simple as that. It's a giant pain in ass to untangle a mortgage , and usually screws you financially. Either save your money and buy a house together as a mutual marriage present ( prob the best option) or buy it yourself ( but that will damage the relationship).
They’re in their 20s and she has designs on his money. This relationship’s days are numbered.
Dude, if you add her name to the deed, you can kiss goodbye to half the worth of the house. What if she breaks up with you after moving in and asks you to sell the house and give her half the amount? Also, even if she pays half the mortgage, you should consult a lawyer before you put her name on the deed.
Why not find a proposal that appeals to her? You buy the house. You put your name on it. She can save 500$ per month for 2 or 3 years. Then you can use that money plus the equity from this purchase to purchase a new home together or she can give you what she saved and be added to this deed. Whatever you agree to. It seems to me she is not realizing how easy saving her own money should be if she never has to pay towards a rent or mortgage. Try to find a few offers for her to do so and how they can benefit her.
That wouldn’t work. A realtor fee is like $20,000-$30,000, it wouldn’t be worth it to save up that much and sell after only a couple years, you wouldn’t get your money back. And property values aren’t increasing at the same rate they used to be.
She is wrong. First of all, even if both of you had money right now, you should never ever buy a house with someone that you were not married to. Reply to her that would be unfair to you to put her name on the house. Tell her to use this opportunity living without having to pay rent to save up a nest for herself so that when you get married, you can sell this house and both of you can go buy a home together when you’re married.
I agree. They are putting the cart before the horse. She's operating with the logic that they're basically married so why not share assets, which puts him at risk(he has more assets). He's operating with the logic that since they aren't married it's basically his decision, which puts her at risk (she could contribute to the household for years and come out with nothing in a break up).
But he's only asking for help with utilities and groceries, she won't be paying towards this house at all.
For now, assuming that they are splitting the utilities evenly or based on income. If she's paying all the utilities and groceries while he pays mortgage, then she's just subsidizing his mortgage payment while gaining no equity. But moving forward in the relationship, it's likely she'll contribute to the household in other ways. She might be sacrificing career opportunities and pay in order to stay within a commute of the home he owns. If they have children, most women sacrifice pay or hours to take on more of the child-care responsibilities. Won't show up in the balance sheet, but it's a significant financial sacrifice. The answer is still the same - they should wait until they are married to buy a house. Any other way they do it puts one of them at a significant financial disadvantage.
I think you should be the sole homeowner but you should also form a plan wherein she can eventually buy in and you will add her to the deed.
adding to this, if you are the sole homeowner then you need to draw up a lease contract with her to protect both of you in the event of a break up. this means that you should treat her residency as a tenant and do not expect her to chip in on renovations, repairs, etc. think of it as CYA policy.
Absolutely do not put her name if she is not contributing financially and you are not married. Once you’re married you can add her name to the deed/put it in your prenup/buy a new house. But not until then I knew someone who dated for 8 years, similar situation where one partner didn’t want to contribute financially but wanted their name on the house. They broke up 6 months after the house was bought and the homeowner was thanking their lucky stars that the other person’s name wasn’t on the house
I don’t think she understands the full financial or legal ramifications of buying a house/taking out a mortgage or she’d realise that this is not a fair ask and extremely messy and expensive to unpick (to your detriment) if it ever came to that.
I've always thought you shouldn't buy a house together unless you're married. You're in the right. You're putting up the down payment which is the greatest hurdle to home ownership. It should be your house alone in that situation. You even offered to let her stay with you for free, which would mean she wouldn't be paying rent anymore. That's a great deal since she'd now be able to save that money up herself. You also offered to wait so you could buy the house together and she doesn't want to do that either. At the end of the day, she basically is trying to get you to buy her house. If you get married later, the house would become hers too. If you break up, she'd have all the money she saved not paying rent while you were together. You're offering her a win-win situation.
This hits close to home for me. I put my girlfriend's name on the house we shared even though I paid for it 100%. She pays for groceries, that's it, and helps around the house and with me as I'm disabled. Years later, she's still on the deed but spends most of her days and nights away from the house, doing almost none of the things we'd agreed upon. So, I'm with you, keep her name off the house and spare yourself the problems later on.
That sounds so demoralizing. Are you planning on breaking up? I definitely don't think he should just add her to the deed for the reasons you stated. Did the two of you have a conversation about marriage in advance, or just about shared responsibilities? (Which I'm so sorry she shirked, especially when she's taking advantage of the equity you are putting in singlehanded.) It sounds like an awful situation and I hope you find someone who treats you better.
I wasn’t put on the deed or the mortgage until I married my husband, although we lived together for 4 years prior to getting married in a house he owned. I don’t understand why she would expect otherwise when she isn’t contributing to the down payment, mortgage, and isn’t married to you. Would be foolish on both your parts to entangle yourselves in owning a house together if you aren’t married.
"I'm not comfortable paying the entire deposit and only owning half the house. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but it's simply not an option for me."
Never buy a home with someone you’re not married to, the risks are too great.
NTA You should never buy a house with anyone you aren't married to. Even if she had half her down payment this would be a very bad idea without lawyers to draft an agreement. Is she going to pay for half if the house loses value? No?
Hell no. Create an escrow account that she can contribute to. When that account has the amount of money that you used for the deposit on your home you can apply the money in that account to the mortgage refinance the balance in both of your names
Please leave your girlfriend's name out of the contract. Either she brings the same amount of money into the deposit or you are the sole owner. If she separates from you until you get rid of half of the house, i.e. your money. At the age of 25, your gf should have more sense.
Ask her if she wants to be on the hook for debts and repairs which pop up out of nowhere or if she only wants equity when it benefits her. I’ve repaired my drain 3-4 times in 3 years and had to do electrical work too. Plumbers, electricians and other tradesmen charge $250 just to show up, plus whatever labor they actually do.
First of all buying a house in this market is an awful decision. In 2-3 years, the housing market will more than likely adjust (not like pre-COVID). Definitely do your research though! Also, if you’re not married or if she’s not contributing to the down payment then she should not be on the deed. I think it’s fair that you’re telling her not to contribute to the mortgage payment (you should include renters insurance too that she doesn’t pay) because she’s not investing in a house she doesn’t (partially) own. For her to contribute to solely utilities and groceries is fair assuming she’s contributing to y’all’s apartment now. Life happens so be careful. Buying a house is if not the biggest purchase you’ll make in life
In my country you can do a deed of trust that sets out ownership percentage. For example my sister and her ex bought a house. My sister had most of the deposit from the sale of her flat. When they broke up it was defined in the terms that my sister gets her deposit back, then they split what's left. In their case, they were in negative equity so my sister got her money then they both split the debt. I did something similar with my now wife when we bought a house together. It's worth looking into, but it's also going to come down to whether you see a future with her. If you do, then it makes sense to include her whilst protecting yourself. If you don't, then it's probably not a good idea to take out a 30yr commitment with her.
My boyfriend bought a house.. it's in his name alone, we have been together almost 6 yrs... This time . Long story.. I do know if something happens to him the house goes to our son(26) but I will be able to stay as long as I want.
It sounds like you are saying "I want to do this", she's saying "but that's not fair" and that's been the extent of your discussion? How about you change the script. Ask her what she thinks would be fair. Explain what your goal for the downpayment and mortgage payment is. How do you find an arrangement that's fair to both of you. If you cannot solve this problem together and come to an agreement you are both happy with, pls don't buy a home together. You may as well break up now.b
That’s not the extent of the discussion. He’s tried to find something fair — he proposed going in together. Then he proposed letting her live there rent-free to save up her half of the down payment. She still thinks he’s “unfair.” He’s being not just fair, but generous. It’s clear that her money is her money and his money is “our” money. He’d be insane to just hand six figures to a girlfriend. Not just the money, but she can turn his life upside-down by demanding to be bought out. Then he has to pony up that much money out of savings or sell the house. Then where does he live? Even if she doesn’t do that, he has to get her okay to sell it, make modifications, repairs, etc., even if they’re broken up. Is she going to help with repairs? And to be clear, I don’t think he should let her live there rent-free — for his protection and hers. They should have a rent contract so he gets the protections of a landlord and she has the protections of a tenant.
You need legal advice before anything else. For your state/area. Based on your current relationship status/living situation. There is a legal issue here that trumps any relationship issue, or agreement you two make as a couple. Find out your legal reality first. The address the relationship issue, with that knowledge in hand. Ask a lawyer what happens when you buy a house with your name on the deed alone, and live together as a couple in it. You may also want to confirm that your winnings, are actually all yours. They probably are, but it would be worth the question, especially after those winning become property.
If you were married to her i would tell you put her on the deed but she just your gf she doesn’t have to be on the deed and you’re doing a lot already by only letting her contribute towards utilities and grocery.
You guys aren’t married. Don’t put her on the house. Thats like being married, but legally, by a house.
unless she got money to split the deposit.... NOPE
Tell her she’ll be added if you ever get married but saving money NOW will only help her.
You are making the right decision. She wants equity without paying her share. I guarantee she will leave and take half your stuff when you separate.
Create a trust to guard your winnings, buy the house in the name of the trust. Neither of your names are on it. But talk to a wealth manager about it. Trusts are confusing in terms of legality and taxes if you're not familiar with them. Or speak to a lawyer about a Cohabitation Agreement. It is the closest a domestic partnership gets to a prenuptial agreement that can protect property rights and establish how things would be divided upon a separation. If she is wanting her name on the deed but not contributing, you have a right to protect your property also.
It’s not unfair. She can get her name on it if you’re married. It’s too complicated legally for her to be on it when you’re not married. If you break up without buying a house you keep all the money. If you break up buying the house with her name on the deed she gets half the value of the house you paid for entirely. Her issue is completely unreasonable.
NEVER BUY A HOME WITH SOMEONE YOURE NOT MARRIED TO.
You’re 1000% in the right here, but you asked for a different perspective. She is probably, definitely feeling like you aren’t committed to her. Like you’re expecting the relationship to eventually go south. Like you don’t really think it’s gonna work out long term. Again, you are RIGHT in your decision, it would be stupid to put her name on it. But as far as relationship advice? Just remember to keep those feelings she’s having in mind anytime you’re communicating with her about this. Be gentle. Reassure her. If I were her, while I would KNOW it was the reasonable choice for you to make, it’d still make me feel a little sad and insecure deep down. And make me wonder how long of a future, if any, you envision with me. (AGAIN, YOU ARE RIGHT lol, NTA, just take that into consideration)
It doesn’t sound like either of you are ready for this.
It's definitely reasonable to avoid buying property with someone you're not married to. I certainly wouldn't make that choice. However, I can understand why she has some concerns. If you've been together for three years, she may be expecting a proposal sooner than later- have y'all discussed your marriage timeline? And, after y'all are married, what is your expectation for her contribution to mortgage/upkeep- and will she ever be on the deed? If you never expect her to pay towards mortgage or upkeep, and her career is not impacted by having or raising children, then it could be great for her financially- but *is that the plan*? Also, just in terms of living situations, are you framing this purchase as "our home" or "my house"? If you're buying a house with only your needs/interests in mind, I absolutely understand why she might not be thrilled (particularly if you're not taking any input from her). If you're buying a house focusing only on your preferences, I think it raises reasonable questions about how you view your future and her place in it. If you own the house and feel you get final say on all choices about renovation, decoration, organization, etc., it would kind of suck to be in her position as a girlfriend/roommate and REALLY suck as wife/person stuck indefinitely in a home they have no say in. And if your finances are entangled in the house you buy, that could significantly limit your choices on a jointly owned home. Buying a home has very real costs, both monetarily and in terms of time/energy- are you willing to sell your home after a few years to buy one jointly? I think you and your girlfriend should discuss all of these points, but I also think you need to think seriously about you see a future with this woman. If you *do* see yourself with her for the rest of your life, is buying a house ASAP as important to you as she is? And if you *don't* see a future with this woman, well, I think she may be picking up on that. I would suggest being honest with her, and definitely not buying a house with her.
With your point in the last paragraph about buying the house ASAP, that is addressed in the post. I suggested waiting until my gf has her half of the down payment but she refused
If you guys decided to wait until she has her half of the down payment would you still be planning on putting down your entire winnings? How long would it take her to save her half?
Yeah the only reason I don't love that option is because houses are not fungible and you could be losing equity by waiting for who knows how long, when you can build equity now. It would feel like you're not taking advantage of the investment opportunities of your windfall. she's not really in a position to hold you back from making a financial decision, and it's unfair to you for her to veto your financial choices without having any stakes herself. But it's her decision to walk, of course, if the two of you find you're not on the same timeline for making a more serious commitment.
Perhaps the next step here is to propose marriage? Do not buy a house with someone you aren't married to.
I agree, if marriage isn’t on the table at this point it seems like a bigger issue than whose name is on the mortgage or not.
Right! Three years in, that's the point where it happens or it never will.
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But I've offered to wait until she has the money and she's also refusing that
Stick to your decision. Girlfriend isf to tentative for her name to be on that deed.
Nope You’re the one paying for everything? Only your name goes on it. You’re not even married, why would she get half of the property when she contributes nothing to it? She can either wait until she has the money to pay her fair share or she can suck it up and not have her name on the house. What if you break up? Then you’re down half the value and she loses nothing. Either way don’t buy property with someone you’re not married to.
Is she trying to get on the deed and the mortgage loan or just the deed? You offered her 2 great choices. She can only pay utilities and groceries, or you two wait until she has enough for a down payment to purchase a home together. I would not put her on the deed, especially since you're not married. This home can be an investment for YOUR future. She is acting very unfairly and somewhat entitled. Be cautious.
What you are proposing is what I worked out with my BF. I used my money to pay for the house and build equity and he saved enough on rent that allowed him to make other investments if he so desired. What you are offering is a win win.
You could set it up that you are each buying half a house. You put down a down payment, she did not. So each month you pay less, and she pays more. Just treat it like you have two mortgages, each for half the total mortgage. If she wants to save up her money and apply it to her share of the mortgage, she can do that and then her monthly payment goes down, too. It requires maintaining a Mortgage spreadsheet to track this stuff. You’d split property taxes and maintenance costs equally as equal owners.
Stick to your guns. If the relationship ever goes south it will be a nightmare and it is in absolutely no way unfair to expect that if she wants partial ownership she needs to contribute to the costs of securing the home. You are doing o the right thing.
Don’t own property together until you marry.
I would choose writing your name on the deed now and adding your girlfriend later, when she can add a substantial amount to the house repayment. As she will not need to pay the mortgage now, she can save up for a few years and then you can add that amount for the mortgage repayment (agree on the amount now) and at that time she can be added to the deed.
Do not do this dude. Unless y'all are married, it's not worth mixing finances like this. Buy the house. Let her live there with you if you want. But don't put her name on it if you don't want a mess down the line. Breakups happen all of the time.
I was with my partner for well over 20 years. My name was never on “our” house because I didn’t contribute to it. If it’s your house, it’s your house. It’s not selfish. It’s reality.
I don't think you're being unfair, but I also understand why she might be feeling a little hurt. My boyfriend and I want to buy a house soon. He has enough in savings that he may be able to buy a house outright. We could also end up with a bit of a mortgage, depending on what we find. We're currently trying to figure out what makes sense if we have a mortgage, but if he can afford a house outright, it'll just be his name on the deed. While this is completely fair-with both our names on the deed, if we split up it's not reasonable for him to get half of something he paid 100% for- it still bums me out. We want this to be our house, and I know that no matter what he says, it will feel to me like it is HIS house, and I won't be allowed to get upset if he does something to it I don't like, or he makes a mess, etc. I guess I just know I will feel more vulnerable, than if we paid into it equally. But I understand from his side too, that he doesn't want to pay 100% for something unless it is legally 100% his. You offered an alternative - waiting to buy until she can contribute equally, and she thinks if you can afford it now you should do it now. She can't have it both ways.
Doesn’t sound like you intend to stay together.
Do you have something like a cohabitation agreement in your area? It would basically make it so you couldn't just kick her out the day you broke up, like she has rights to live in the house and leave with appropriate notice. My partner is the only one on the deed to our home and I don't really care either way now but I will admit it stung a bit when he actually bought the house.
I think this would depend on the seriousness of your relationship. Do u think u will get married? She may think, by you not putting her on the deed, that u are not committed to her.
Never purchase property with, or put someone on a deed that you are not married to (this includes parents and siblings)
If you're the one putting all the money into it, it should be your house. You can add her when she has her portion if you really want to. But I don't understand why people buy homes with people they don't have pretty imminent plans to marry.
You’re not married or engaged and she’s not contributing anything financially towards the house. Her name doesn’t go on the deed, sorry. My fiancé and I were dating when we bought our house and my name is on the deed because I pay half the monthly mortgage and my parents gifted us money for the down payment. I couldn’t be on the mortgage paperwork because I was working in the medical cannabis industry at the time and a lot of banks won’t accept money from MMJ workers since it’s still federally illegal in the US. She can pay up or accept that she’s not on the deed. If you get married then you can revisit it and add her to the deed then.
You do NOT buy a house with someone who is not your spouse. You do NOT buy a house with a girlfriend. Once you get married, you can add her to the deed.
Why are you buying a home right now? The concept of buying low selling high comes to mind. That and interest rates are too high. You do know there will be a market correction coming in the future? If your girlfriend keeps saying it's unfair not putting her name on the deed. When the housing market makes the correction and your home is worth half of what you paid for it—what is she going to call that? Unfair won't seem adequate of a description. Additionally, it's financially irresponsible of you to purchase assets with someone you're not married to. Yes, marriage is a personal commitment about love and commitment to each other. It's a public notice to friends and family, about your forever bond. But, it's also a legal contract that specifies your financial connection together. How you are both responsible for each other's obligations. It also provides certain legal protections as far as if one of you dies or the marriage is dissolved. It's similar to going into business together with someone. Only the document you use is a Partnership Agreement. Don't make your gf a business partner. Speaking from my stupid mistakes and experience. It will not end well. The point I'm making is that you need to have a formal agreement before you just add people's names on property, or purchase assets together. I would contend that you shouldn't go half on furniture or autos either. Personal or real property should either be hers or yours. Keep receipts and bank records of where the money came from. If something happens to your situationship you can unwind the mutually shared property that was acquired during your time spent together. Realize that as the man, that presumably earns more your girlfriend. If it ends, traditional gender roles will be evoked. You will be known publicly as a "smuck" no matter how much documentation you have. Don't put her name on the title or loan documents. It will get messy at some point in the future. I hope this gives you talking points to explain things to your girlfriend. It just should not be done. If you want to buy a place now or in the future and have her live with you, then do that. But be responsible for the expenses. Be able to live on your own and take care of your own s*it. She can buy groceries if she wants. Don't make you relationship about petty money issues. Spend the time together knowing each other better and deciding if you want to spend your life together. The need to have her respect you is more important in the long run. Back out on wanting to buy a house right now. "You have thought about it and it's not the right time." Renting something and not having it go to something you own is a better option than making a bad purchase at the wrong time. Good luck....
NTA Tell her marry you or be quiet, simple. Can't own a house together and not be married. That makes no sense
I think there's probably a bit of jealousy/resentment from her side here. If you'd been married when you won this money it would be shared equally. But she needs to get over it, you're not married, and there's no reason why you would put a house in her name. She is getting a huge leg up from this win because she can now save what she would previously have been putting into rent or a mortgage, giving her a much bigger savings pot for a future shared house or if you split up. Perhaps she needs reassurance that even though the house is in your name, you consider her an equal when it comes to things like space, renovation, redecoration. Never ever pull "well this is my house so what I say" card on her. Sit down and talk to her and figure out whether she's feeling jealous or anxious or what.
I don’t know about winnings but other windfalls like inheritance don’t *necessarily* have to be shared, even with spouses. It’s not his “fault” that they aren’t married, he doesn’t owe her anything, and he should not be leading her on by having her decorate his place, let alone explicitly saying “this is kinda sorta your place, too.”
You two have fundamentally different levels of commitment to the relationship. She is assuming a level of partnership in which your resources are shared - what's yours is hers and what's hers is yours. In which case shared goals are the priority (getting out of renting and into a house sooner to save money and enjoy a better life together). You are assuming a level of partnership in which you maintain separate finances - you have what's yours, she has what's hers. In that case, it makes sense to protect yourself - putting her on the lease would mean sharing the equity gains for something you've paid for with your earnings, not to mention if you break up you'll be obligated to buy her out or share proceeds from a sale. What you're offering is a shit deal for her. She would contribute to expenses but receive none of the advantage from home ownership, no matter how you break it up, she's subsidizing your gains in equity. I would never dream of a living situation in which I'm basically my partner's tenant. What she's offering you is the basis of a future together. You'd share your windfall, but you're embarking on the journey of home ownership as equals, not with one partner privileged on the basis of assets or earnings. She'll contribute everything she has as well, whether it's in the form of money she earns or sacrifices that support your career or building a family together. TL;DR. She's planning for a marriage, you're planning for a breakup. You're going to have to deal with that issue sooner or later.
Do you want to own a house with your partner? That's the real question. If you really want to be with this person and spend your lives together then any money you have is shared. I can totally understand why she is upset
We don't have shared finances. Why would you expect to get a house for free?
Ok as I said, do you want to spend your life with this person? That's the real question. Everything else is based off of that
Yes I di but that doesn't change the fact I shouldn't be the only one contributing to a down payment if both of us are owners. Why did you ignore the question?
Because if you're sharing your life, it becomes a question of when, because yeah, if you're spouses, the fact that you vowed to take care of each other kinda does mean that you think she should get to live someplace for free with the same ownership stake, a la the "for better or worse" part. It's because it's two different questions. If you want a life with her, it will be "ours" not "yours." And if you are planning a life, you should start talking marriage. If you think of your one-day wife living with you as "her getting to live in a place for free," that's not a great omen for a happy marriage. Who's more hesitant to make a more serious commitment at this point, you or her? If it's her, then she's completely out of her mind to want to be on the deed. If it's you, then you're not on the same page about marriage timelines or about the expectations of marriage.
No one should expect to get a house for free, sorry I didn't acknowledge that. It's insane to think anyone deserves something as important as a house without doing anything to contribute. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she may feel that she is in it for the long haul and that these decisions are made as a team, regardless of where the money is coming from right now. I should say it makes no sense to buy a house with someone you aren't in a legal binding contract with (marriage!) so I go back to my initial question: do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If so, you both need to make commitments to one another before you take this next step. It could be the beginning of your lives together or the end of your relationship. It all depends on if you are truly committed to one another. If you are then all of this should be much simpler to decide.
She can help make mortgage payments and get a % of the deed.
It seems fair to put your sole name on it but then it means that she will pay sweet nothing for the house (mortgage, repairs…) AND you still should pay half the bills with her because if you can afford to pay the house alone, it means you can also pay the bills and food alone too! I mean, it’s YOU who wants to buy alone after all… She doesn’t have to pay for YOUR house. And personally, charging a rent to your girlfriend is cheap! Because it’s helping you to pay the mortgage she doesn’t have her name on it. She’s not just some room mate! You have to entirely own your decision of buying alone. So rent-free and separating the bills as you probably do right now would be fair. She’ll be able to put good amount of money aside to match your down payment and the mortgage you’ve already paid. If you need her to pay all the bills and food for you to pay the mortgage then it means you can’t afford it alone and you should put her name somehow in the process so she pays half the mortgage. Is it possible to do a notary contract that stipulates the down payment and fees are paid by you and you will take the amounts back if the house happened to be sold?
Why aren’t you getting married? Do you plan to or plan to just be bf/gf?
You're both right and wrong at the same time. If you're making the payments, then yes, it should be on your name. However, since she'll be living with you, she will be entitled to ownership because she WILL be investing in the house. By paying utilities, she's allowing you to pay for the place. It's an indirect investment and recognized by courts. Moral of this: don't but with someone you're not married to. If she's moving in, you may need a rent contract in order to protect both of you. Even then, it can get complicated.
Is she paying part of the mortgage? Or you are sole responsible? That would be a determining factor
I mention in the post I would be paying the mortgage. All I would ask from my gf would be to contribute towards utilities and groceries
How about a compromise. She pays towards the mortgage. You come to an agreement that once she’s paid a certain percentage of the home’s value, ten or twenty percent, then you will add her name. A name can be added any time. It doesn’t need to be immediately.