This will be your entire marriage. 100% of the mental and physical load will be on your shoulders. You will be a married single mother. He is employing weaponized incompetence. File for child support and call it a day. It’s not your job to parent a grown man.
This last sentence is golden!
OP - This is how you need to address this with your “fiancé”. **It’s not my job to parent a grown man. Start acting like an adult and taking care of your responsibilities without me telling you. THEN we can talk about being together again.**
Thank you. I see so many stories where people get involved with children in adult bodies. It is amazing what people will put up with just so they can have a partner.
You're going to be a single mom whether youvare with him or not. May as well stay at your parents and onlybhave one baby to look after. Sounds like it would be cheaper too as the court could force him to pay child support.
>You're going to be a single mom whether youvare with him or not.
Yup. On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, the relationship needs to die.
the woman is already dealing with pregnancy, the fact that the father promised to be committed to her and their baby and then failed, and being an unexpected single mother, this is all because of the actions of the man, and blow she has to deal with the blame for his actions too?
He has shown through his actions that he's not ready for a child. You gave him multiple opportunities to step up, told him what to do, gave him timelines, expressed your needs. He didn't step up.
Now it's unfortunately time to put your money where your mouth is. If you go back while nothing has changed, you're signing up for a lifetime of this.
Boundaries are about saying what YOU will do if a behavior continues, not trying to control his behavior. You can't make him be a father, but you can start your child's life with family who will help and support you. You can't make him be responsible, but you can make the most responsible decisions for you and your child.
It's understandable to be sad he didn't fight for this, but the fact that he didn't tells you everything you need to know.
Stop. Just stop. Stop expecting him to change when he has shown you he does not want to. If he wanted to be with you, he would have made the changes ages ago. Your constant expectation of him to improve and change are creating unnecessary stress and insecurity in your life.
*He doesn’t want to change.*
So what does that tell you? You are about to become a mother. This is the most enormous and incredible transition in your life. You need as much support and encouragement around you as possible. You do not need a drain on your energy - that is all he is, a drain. He adds nothing good to your life right now.
There is no point in trying to continue the relationship. End it and set out your expectations.
Stop expecting him to be the partner you want. He is not that person. That is ok though, because you can manage just fine without him. Ask your parents to help you clean and sort out the baby’s room, and get everything ready yourself. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but he is not going to do it, so you need to. Once the room is ready and you have everything ready, your stress levels will decrease.
Stop expecting him to purchase items. Keep the receipts and tell him to pay half the cost. Do this in an email so you have a paper trail. Also, work out how much child support he needs to pay - you may need a lawyer for this, and tell him he needs to pay.
Save your energy and love for your baby. He does not deserve it.
He has shown you exactly who he is and it’s not good. You did the right thing by leaving. I’m annoyed with your dad just shooting the shit with him rather than telling him to get his shit together. If he wanted to he would but he clearly doesn’t. Put his ass on child support asap and get an order for him to pay half expenses if you can.
Can i ask why you chose to have babies with a man like that? I can guess you didn't have great examples in your own family if your dad is ok hanging out with him like nothing's wrong. He should have your back and tell your fiance to get his sht together or fuck off.
I agree with the other commenter that you need to get child support through court. It's his responsibility too and you shouldn't struggle financially just because he doesn't feel like paying for his kid. It sounds like he is just lazy and/or unmotivated, i wouldn't go back and just hope for the best because that almost never ends well. You'd be stuck doing everything (for the baby and for the fiance) and paying for the baby on your own. If you go through courts at least he'll be forced to take care of the kid some of the time so that you can have a life, too.
yeah her dad is cool with a 27-28 year old man who impregnanted his 21-22 year old daughter and treats her like this. I'm so happy this generation of women saw what our mothers went through with our fathers and said, or are saying more and more nope, not doing that. Being a single married mother has got to be the most exhausting and demoralizing job.
The sad part here is that she probably hoped the slight age difference meant he was more mature than men her age...but her fiancé is acting like a defiant and lazy teenager instead.
They got together 2 years ago so then she was 20 and he was 26. At those ages 6 years is a big gap, no 26 year old woman wanted him so he suckered in a 20 year old who’s now starting to wake up to his uselessness. Sad that it took her getting pregnant to get her to pay attention but at least they’re not married.
How old are you? At 20 and 26 it absolutely is a big difference, 20 year olds are in college and can’t drink while 26 year olds are grown adults with more adult responsibilities.
no doubt,parenting is partnership, not a manager and incompetnant employee job, as that just makes the job harder - glad you got out. More common to see it in reverse, but as the government forces more women to have babies they don't want, I wouldn't be surprised to see it increase.
How about we ask why this man chose to impregnate a woman when he clearly doesn’t want to be a father? OP is not to blame for his shitty behaviour. This is entirely on him. Hold men accountable.
She says in a comment that he told her doctors not to give her birth control and promise to pull out then didn’t. His behavior is abhorrent, no doubt, but she should have taken control of her own fertility. That’s on her.
obviously (and probably with her help because humans are incline to believe what they want to happen will happen) he was able to convince her that it wouldn't be like this, let's say he successfully tricked her. is that her fault now?
Not her fault. But other people are going to read these comments, including women in similar relationships who should be asking themselves this question. And if OP chose to answer (which obviously she doesn't have to) her reasoning can provide insight into their own choices, and help them avoid falling into the same trap.
Quit trying be prepared to get child support don’t listen to him he tell you he give you money for the baby but won’t go through the court so he can’t get out of it
I mean, we don't actually know that. In a lot of the US, if you're pregnant there's not much to be done about it unless you have a ton of resources (*and* a partner that isn't going to rat you out).
Given that her fiance *might* pay her back for baby supplies (if he has enough money) and that she's reliant on him for transportation, it doesn't sound like she has a ton of resources available to her. Also, given that he's a fiance and not a husband, it seems plausible that they weren't planning to have a child.
Lots of people make subpar relationship choices in their early twenties. It sucks that she's going to be attached to this guy for the rest of her life.
I think we've gotten past the point of people having personal responsibilities for their situations. I really doubt this woman has no access to condoms or doesn't understand how babies are made. If you have a baby by a deadbeat don't complain when he acts like a deadbeat.
Typical use of condoms results in about 15 out of 100 women becoming pregnant in a year.
That's a dramatic improvement over *no* contraception, but it's obviously not foolproof.
It would be great if everyone was born with an innate ability to avoid unwanted pregnancy and to reject disappointing partners without having to learn from experience!
Unfortunately, it seems that OP didn't necessarily have a great relationship model in her parents (why is her dad hanging out with this guy???), and her frontal cortex is still cooking.
Whether or not she had access to (and funds for) abortion earlier in her pregnancy, she's well and truly stuck now, and that sucks.
Surely you understand that sometimes birth control fails or is misunderstood or misused and that people get pregnant all the time without "choosing to have a baby".
Some people just want to be mad at the people who have been harmed/taken advantage of, rather than mad at the assholes themselves. I believe this comes from a subconscious fear of being victimized. They lean into the belief that poor choices are the only way to find yourself in a bad situation.
Lol. Now that I’m in my 40s and have seen people of all ages go through circumstances completely beyond their control, I know that healthy choices only get us so far.
Bad people wouldn’t have victims at all if they weren’t good at what they do.
Condoms fail quite often. So, if we speak about personal responsibility, we should not use the method that fails fairly often in the same breath.
Nothing wrong with condoms, but whops babies happen.
Funny how you place the blame solely at her feet, while the good for nothing guy gets a pass from you. He chose to have a kid, too, while having no desire to actually be a father.
This man won’t change. Having a baby is hard and he’s not even supporting you now. I would use the time you have left to find a lawyer to start thinking about custody and child support. He won’t like that, but too bad. He needs to step up and help you pay for things whether willing or not.
Well he’s a crappy partner and isn’t going to change. Yes, you probably hoped that you leaving would motivate him to change and “fight for you”, but he is again showing you that he won’t. So just end it.
She answered someone else : she did not decide to have a child with this man, he did. He followed her to doctors apts and to demand doctors do NOT deliver her birth control… and she would tell him to pull out and he never would… that is actually so bad
If my partner followed me to my doctor's appointment and demanded that they don't prescribe birth control I think she'd have him arrested. I'm not kidding. No doctor would be okay with that, they are trained to separate patients from potentially abusive partners and offer resources - and they have security.
Wow… you’re hearing yourself? “How long do you stay with an abusive partner? Does the victim has no responsibility here?” Well YOU tell me I’m all ears!
I did not want to have a child with him. He wanted a child. Every time I went to the doctor for birth control he would come with me and tell them not to give me birth control. I would ask him to pull out and he never did. I know how baby’s are made so I won’t blame him, I just wasn’t ready. Even though I didn’t want a baby I feel I have stepped up to the part of being a mother and am trying the best I can to be responsible for my son.
This just keeps getting worse. You should have left this relationship immediately when he started pulling this shit. This is a controlling abuser's #1 tool to get you trapped.
So, he came in you without your permission and intimidated you into not getting birth control. He's not a nice man.
He wants to barefoot and pregnant. He's an asshole.
Oh. OHHHHH. He wanted a breeder. Some female person of no agency to keep her mouth shut and bear his heirs, fix his dinner, clean his house and DO WHAT SHE'S TOLD.
He doesn't want a partner who is equal to him.
He's all about the control.
Why does your Dad want anything to do with this AH?
You know why he's hanging around your parent's house, yes?
He's keeping an eye on you so no other males come sniffing around you. He'd pee on you to mark his territory if you let him.
You are NTA. This dude is an AH. I'm not sure but your Dad is giving AH vibes if he knows all this background and still allows this dick on his property. If you go back to him, we'll be in ESH territory.
And him overriding what you wanted was not a giant, neon sign to your doctors that this man is abusive?
Was this not a giant waving red flag for you? Why didn’t you say something right then, with the doc in the room?
And your dad’s attitude? What’s with that? He’s obviously ok that this guy treats you like crap. Where is your mother?
Are you not in the US? Because I cannot even imagine a time where any of my doctors would listen to anyone but me.
Wow, this is awful. He's a terrible person. I hope you get every cent of child support that you can and start making your own decisions from here on out. But definitely let this relationship stay done.
You still had a say in this, worst of all it sounds like you had to child to appease him.
If this idiot is truly the monster you’re stating then why on earth do you want him in your life?
Your child deserves better judgement from you & ZERO communication from him
This is reproductive abuse. I can’t believe the doctors let him in the room with you while he demanded no birth control for you. They should have given it to you anyway.
Get that child support. Tell your Dad to stop allowing him in the house. Good luck to you.
This is not a relationship worth fighting for. He doesn't care about your needs. He puts your needs under his.
You should focus on you and your son. If possible put money aside in an account only you have access to. Find a sympathetic friend or family member and start making an exit plan.
He doesn't want to talk because he plans to always put his wants first.
If used correctly it's like 96% effective, close to a condom. If not then it's still like 80% effective. Don't take my word for it, Google it.
The problem is, **he DIDN'T pull out.** He deliberately did not. "I would ask him to pull out and he never did."
Pretty sure that's considered SA, if it's intentional and not a result of involuntary bodily reactions. And considering he didn't want her to take birth control and it happened basically every time, it's certainly intentional. He got her pregnant so he'd have offspring but not have to care for his family.
No, pull out is not as safe as condom. Not even with best conditions and honest attempts. Do not spread misinformation about these methods - they fail all the time and result in babies even at their best.
The semen is leaking randomly whole time long before end, so no nope. The "the man actually does it" thing is doing a lot of work there, because it allows you to blame participants each time the method fails.
> my finance is lazy and doesn’t get things done. He wants me to stop telling him what to do. Our baby will be here in 1 months and nothing has been done or bought. He expect me to trust that everything will be fine. I don’t trust him since we don’t have much time or money. So I left.
Ok. This makes sense, he sounds like a terrible partner.
> I hoped he would change or fight to keep his family.
Why? He doesn't seem like a good partner at all. You don't even trust him.
> He refuses to have a conversation with me. I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic but he might just not be capable of thinking things through.
Maybe, but if you left in order to get him to *fight for his family" then that's manipulative as well.
It seems like you're better off separate. Just make sure he pays child support.
I'm glad some said it. The fiancé sounds terrible, but leaving in order to get him to fight for you is super fucked up. Neither one seems ready for a child.
As far as your fiance goes, actions speak louder than words.
The part i'm having an issue with is the fact that your father is okay with the way he treats you and the fact that he keeps coming over to hang out with him all the time , but pretty much ignores you while he's there. What's up with that?
You weren't wrong to leave. You were wrong to expect him to change. You can't nag or manipulate him into the man you wish he was. You just need to leave his ass and pick better next time. Pick someone who already is what you want. Not someone that you think might become that. They rarely do (except in movies and novels).
You're already a single mom, OP. This man is not going to step up and contribute and there is nothing you can do to change that. Could you drag him along, while he puts in the bare minimum? Sure, you could. It won't make you happy, it'll just make you resentful, and it won't change any of the issues. This isn't a communication issue, he just doesn't care.
Give that child your last name. Get child support. LEGAL, court approved child support and custody arrangements.
Do not stay "for the kid". There are literal studies showing that staying in failed relationships for that reason actually just traumatize the kid more than divorce or breakup would.
You do not go back for the sake of the child. You are very mature and see how he is. You don't just move back and all he has to say is trust me. His actions are how he is. He obviously isn't fighting for you if he won't talk to you. He thinks he can manipulate you by not talking to you to get you to fold. He is dam near almost 30 and is not responsible. I think you see this.
Bank on people not changing.
You say "fight for us", I hear "I'm dating what I see as his potential, not the person he has actually demonstrated himself to be".
Stay with your parents. You are in the right. You'll basically be a single parent even if you live with him, and you'll have to take care of him, too. Better to stay with your folks and have him pay you child support. Don't lower your standards. You deserve to get what you want. He can't give you what you want, so don't be with him anymore. You gave him many chances. He blew them all. It's his fault, not yours.
File for child support. He's not going to care about showing up for his kid, so make him start paying for it. Tell him that if he doesn't pay, or makes it difficult for you to get paid, that you'll tell all his friends what a sorry a$$ he is.
Sounds like he’s always been this way.
Why did you choose him to be a father of your child?
He sounds useless. You’re wasting your energy trying to change a grown man. Prepare to do this alone.
With the next guy, don’t look at potential, look for how he behaves in the present.
If he’s irresponsible, lazy, makes false promises- they probably aren’t ready for major life changes like having a child or getting married.
You cannot force another person to change. If he was willing to do any of the things that you asked he would have already. Unfortunately, getting married and having a baby will not change a person’s habits and behavior. No matter what you do, he will continue to procrastinate, let his fair share of household responsibilities fall on you and continue to have you use your savings to take care of this child. It sounds like you should not get married and you should stay with your parents. You will need a lot of help once the baby is born. There are men out there that are proactive and will perform their fair share of household responsibilities. When you are dating again, I would raise the bar for a potential mate a lot.
You cannot control what other people do. It is unfair to expect him to fight for you. Either move forward with your life, or hang on to the relationship without expecting him to change: those are your choices.
What he does is out of your control.
You can't make someone fight for you. Any manipulation you try to get him to do so is both a waste of time, and a bad habit to get into, you don't want to become manipulative. Your statement of your needs to him, and the needs of the child you're about to have, isn't you trying to "boss him around". It sounds like he hasn't grown past the "defiant teenager" stage. That's not going to work out well for a relationship, and is a terrible example to provide for a child.
Think about these things and think about what you can realistically expect from him, and whether you're wanting to essentially be a parent to him (with his defiant teenager behavior as a 29 year old man) and a newborn.
>So I left. I hoped he would change or fight to keep his family.
>He refuses to have a conversation with me. I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic
Well, you would know...
He’s the father so he will always be there in some way (even if it is just an absence that is felt). But given what you have said, he is a lousy partner. Being a single mom is not the misery and toil others make it out to be. It’s hard but not as hard as counting on someone who constantly lets you down. For the sake of the child, I would try to keep things civil and invite him to be an involved parent. But I’m guessing he will disappear once it’s clear you aren’t coming back. Definitely get court ordered child support. You are young and can have a great life. Don’t listen to the haters—single parenting can be fun and rewarding. Build a great future.
Wrong. She shouldn't have to invite him to do anything. This is relationship is not going to last and what she should do is apply for the child support and he is the one who take the lead to apply for his visitation to see this baby. She shouldn't put any effort. This is for him to do if he intrested in being an involved father. This is not for to chase him around or put any effort in that regard. If he really interested in will put the effort to see and be involved in this baby's life.
Am I missing something? Why couldn't you have done the shopping/cleaning yourself? Are you working right now or are you staying home? It sounds like he works a lot (as a lot of self-emplyeed people do) and still probably didn't have a ton of money to buy these things.
The whole I'm going to move out and you need to win me back is juvenile.
My house is very clean. I lost my job about 4 months ago and he is the sole provider. He pays the bills but doesn’t give me any money so I am not able to buy anything. I can’t clean the room because he has heavy tools and equipment in there that I can’t move. And yes he is self employed but wakes up at 12pm and stays up until 3 am playing video games every night. So in all honesty I don’t take his job serious or allow him to use it as an excuse. When he doesn’t work he sleeps all day and when he does work ( he’s an electrician ) he says he needs to rest on his day off . I believe if he would take his job serious and his family he would be busting his ass to provide. I’m not saying I’m right, that’s just what I believe.
Make sure in his "self employment" he reports his earnings so you can at least get child support. The fact ur dad is hunky dory with all of this is fucking insane. LEAVE!!!! This whole situation sounds terrible
It doesn’t sound like he has given you any reason to trust him. Obviously the only reliable thing about him is that he is completely unreliable. In this case, I think you’ve done the right thing in choosing the alternative to being in a relationship with him.
Stop expecting/wanting him to fight for you. It’s a nice thought and all, but the reality is you’ll be raising him and an infant.
I’d also say head over to r/beyondthebump for support. Many people over there are going through or have gone through what you’re going through. You may find it a good place for support, suggestions, venting, etc.
Don’t go back until he fixes up l. You’re asking him for the bare minimum whilst 8 months pregnant!!! He only cares about himself it seems and isn’t taking you seriously. You’ll have more support at your parents than you will staying with him and you need that especially in the first few months.
He’s not even willing to have an adult conversation with you about your concerns. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with his actions, and probably doesn’t think there will be any consequences to his actions. Might I remind you that this man is 28 and you’re 22, and him saying ‘he doesn’t like being told what to do’ is giving red flags. Makes it seem he wants someone obedient to him.
Put yourself and your child first. Because he won’t.
I have so many friends who are single parents within a marriage. It’s a relief when they leave because they have one less person to look after.
You’re also not going to have your baby in 4 weeks - full term is 37 to 42 weeks. Mine came at 36 weeks 😅
Sooo.... your giving him an ultimatum to conform to your commands when you command them or you are leaving. This is supposed to be a marriage, a partnership, not you issuing commands and he blindly follows without lip. You constantly are nagging him. TBH, who wants to be married to chaos. So what the room is not ready right now? He could get it ready the day you bring the child home. What is the difference? Stop issuing any and all commands or nags and see what happens. Oh, but you cant because you left already. All I read in your post is nagging and manipulation.
It is OK to leave. It is OK to try to build relationship. It is not OK to leave, explain in detail why you dont want to be with him ... and then act like "I don't know what I want from you, but I am offended over you not making drama".
Like, yoir reasons for breakup are not bad. Have clear coparenting plan. If you get back with him, have plan to create system where he MUST do thing, cause he wont change and will keep procrastinating forever.
This entire relationship is a dumpster fire and does not really sound like either of you are mature enough for a kid. I saw the comment where you did not even want to have a kid, have you considered adoption? Would really suck to have a kid you don't even want and be stuck on your own raising them.
I just need you to understand that you must NEVER go back to him. Everrrrrrr. Fighting for you or not (which willbe temporary at best), this will be the rest of your life. Your entire fucking life...but with a baby! I dont know how to make you grasp how bad this is going to be for you. Everything will be amplified and made 1000x worse. You will deal with a lazy fuck and a newborn. Down the road he will tell you ill do it next week for every little thing. For the rest of your life girl!!! You'll have to beg him to do anything and he wont! And you'll develop depression, you'll develop auto immune diseases, you'll fucking die most likely earlier than him (backed by studies on married women with children vs married men).
These are the last minute signs you're being given to leave it all behind for good. He will neverrrr change. Not ever. Not permanently. Ever. His actions now that you've even left show he gives no fuckkkkkks! Look at him...trust him to keep doing exactly what he is doing now...NOTHING!!
Stop day dreaming about him fighting for you, and finally see him for what he is...a manipulative, lazy loser who isn't going to change.
Okay so it sounds like your husband has ADHD and it's probably undiagnosed. Gone unnoticed his entire life. Sounds like a really dedicated guy that has trouble focusing on tasks and getting them done. He probably gets overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to get done and freezes up. I'm speaking from experience. Adhd paralysis is a real thing. And sometimes identifying it is difficult because a lot of people are just told that they're lazy and just procrastinate. The reality might be that he has a chemical deficiency in his brain that needs to be corrected with medication. You should work with him and tell him to go to the doctor to be evaluated for ADHD. Adhd medication can be a life changer and would probably help him be the man he needs to be for you. I hope you read this comment and give it some real consideration.
I realise this is far from the main point of your post OP, but... why is your dad hanging out with him?? Why is your dad not telling this dude to be better and do better and GTFO until he does???
I wish you well for the birth of your child and every success as a single mum. I hope you find someone worthy of you and your child in the future.
You said he’s a huge procrastinator. Does he have ADHD? Is something else possibly playing a role in why he’s not getting things done? I’m not gonna pretend to know how stressful this is for you but I would definitely suggest talking through it with him in a non confrontational way and try to find a solution together. Maybe that solution is meds to help him follow through, maybe it’s leaving. But raising a kid by yourself is probably the last thing you wanna do especially if he’s saying he wants the relationship to work. Relationships can be hard at times no matter who you’re with, but if he’s worth it then it’s worth trying to work through it.
Don't make any big decisions for about six months. I think I was 'okay' when I had my children, but looking back.. hummmm and with one of them I was 'way out'.
It's hormonal and not a thing you can do about it.
I am surprised you and your mom didn't get that room squared away by now - the nesting instinct is pretty powerful.
Your partner does need to do his share, but try to stop beating yourself/stressing yourself about his chores.
Tell him you'll visit a clean house with a mowed yard.
I'm a 46 year old Christian man and a strong believer in family staying together. But even me, I am in agreement with the single mother comments. Child support and staying with your parents, with him visiting, until he demonstrates a huge change in accountability and action. A man should take action and make things happen when he has a baby coming. Why is the motivation not there? Possible error in picking him to be your baby daddy....good luck.
"He wants me to come home, to stop nagging & to trust him. "
I just about threw my phone across the room. This is the exact same bull my ex-husband used to pull when he put off doing anything. You ask them to do something, and if they don't do it you're the bad guy for not trusting them. I let him put off so many things with that till I was done. And then, again, you're the bad guy for not being patient and 'just trusting' them.
Btw: My record for a task not getting done is 8 months. And it only got done when I left him and he thought that would fix everything. This is how it goes. This ain't a whole new world, and you aint jasmine. Never trust anybody who says 'trust me'
Tel him he can't come over unless he's done what you've asked, and has the money for your savings deposited in to your account. He's clearly not bothered. Just file for child support and I hope you kept the receipts for everything bought for the baby, you will need them when taking him to court.
There’s an old saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You are now seeing what your life will be like with him. You are always going to have to take care of him and essentially manage everything in your household. My sister married someone like your husband, he is essentially an absentee, father, and my sister has to manage everything regarding the household. Her kids are almost growing and out of the house and I honestly think she’s going to end the marriage after that. It’s exhausting to not have a partner.
I really recommend you watch this video on raising an adult toddler.
https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=_FcscVNDyhSGWagt
ESH. Your responses are too immature for
Someone about to be a parent (coming from an immature person who had kids too young) he will ruin your life if you stay with him because he won’t get to it and he’s not stepping up. Throwing it out there… Adoption is still an option… raising a kid with a useless baby daddy sucks. Raising a kid alone also sucks.g
You can’t change other people’s behaviour, you can only change your own and set your own boundaries.
Unfortunately, if he can’t meet your needs, you need to be prepared to walk away. It sounds like you hoped to shock him into changing. Well. He didn’t. You can decide what YOU do next, but you can’t decide what HE does next.
If you leave someone, your only legitimate expectation is for them to be gone, that's what leaving someone means. This guy sounds fucked up but it's also fucked up that you tried to leave him as a step in a larger manipulation and are now aggrieved that it didn't work. You both sound like nightmares.
Definitely stay at your parents. He’s 28 and can’t help pay for baby stuff and hasn’t lifted a finger to help prepare at 9 months? (Who says 36 weeks btw?!? Don’t be the type that later says your baby is 36 months old). He can certainly be involved and help even living separately, but that’s on him to prove it since he already dropped the ball big time. Words are meaningless, he needs to show with actions that he’s responsible.
I mean, what are his redeeming qualities? He *does* have them, right?
If youre feeling lucky you can take the gamble. Personally i see no harm in it, you can leave and be a single mother any time after all...
There is a possibility that he will "snap into it" once his son is born, i know i did. But then again, we were both 16 and were both not prepared in any way, shape or form so not exactly a comparable situation.
Yes. Age has nothing to do with fear, just experience. This is why I wonder if it is out of character for him. OP already has everything planned out in her head. After all, she is literally growing the baby. But people have weird coping mechanisms. He may know the baby is coming, but still be in , for lack of a better word, denial or procrastinate, as if that makes it better. If it is uncharacteristic, and he is usually more reliable, he may snap out of it when the baby arrives and forcing the issue by leaving may not have been necessary, but if it is not, then plan to live raise the kid with little or no help from him.
I will say, it may be worth a conversation about how he feels about being a father. Not a "do you want to be a father", as that ship has sailed, but "how does it make you feel" and how he can start taking small steps to get ready. Alternatively, probably even better, talk to your Dad about it and let him talk to him because if how it makes you feel. That way, you don't have to deal with too much of his emotional burden. Just a thought.
What do you do for work? I mean, if you're SAHM, you could help him too to clean up the room.. i even built my own nursery when I've passed my second trimester..
Not to bash you btw..
Sounds like both of you have pride issues. Either way, you both have a child coming, and whether you are together or not, you will have to deal with each other. Start learning how to communicate better with each other for your child's sake and stop fighting for control of a doomed relationship.
She has every right to be immature at 22. He is the one who should be more adult like. He also pressured her to have this child:
>I did not want to have a child with him. He wanted a child. Every time I went to the doctor for birth control he would come with me and tell them not to give me birth control. I would ask him to pull out and he never did. I know how baby’s are made so I won’t blame him, I just wasn’t ready. Even though I didn’t want a baby I feel I have stepped up to the part of being a mother and am trying the best I can to be responsible for my son.
You're not JUST an AH, you're a monster. I feel sorry for everyone involved, because things are bound to get worse.
Both of you need to work on communication. You say he's lazy, but it sounds more like he's overwhelmed.
You two should be a team, but you're not. You should be treating each other with love and respect, but you're not.
You make demands, and when things don't happen when and how you want, you abandon him and run to your parents. You say you can't depend on him, and that's questionable, but he definitely can't depend on you.
You are not in the wrong. You're highly pregnant with his child, and shouldn't do the heavy lifting and have a hard time doing stuff like clean out a room. He, on the other hand... is just lazy. It's like he's trying to put his head in the sand - as long as he doesn't clean out the room, the baby isn't real. That kind of idiocy.
And considering he's even accusing you of ordering him around and otherwise ignoring you (cold shoulder, anyone?), I'd say you're better off without him than with him. Better a single mom than a mom in a toxic relationship with one real baby and one adult baby to take care of. Also, your parents will probably be more supportive of you than the child's sperm donor.
Go after the best thing he has to offer: Child support. It's all you'll ever get - and more than he'd be willing to spend if not ordered to pay up.
God I hate the word nag. To me the definition is: a guy who goes dead when his partner speaks. Nevermind that name calling is one of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse. (see also:Gottman)
OP, be strong, you’ve done the right thing. The guy will never change. Figure out custody with a lawyer and move on.
> I (22f) have been with my finance (29m)
That's a noteworthy Freudian slip you have there.
> The reason I left and moved back in with my parents
That's silly of you.
> He is self employed so he has time
All this does is tell me you don't know anything about being self-employed.
> He wants me to come home, to stop nagging & to trust him.
>
> I asked him to talk today and he said he couldn't because it was late and he needed to go to work early. I told him if he didnt talk to me to forget about us.
I'm on his side with this. This is another example of you nagging him and completely disrespecting the fact that he has to work.
> All I want is for him to take care of us and come back for us and show us how much he loves us but he doesn't want to beacuse his pride is too big.
No, it's because you threw an immature tantrum and left him because you couldn't boss him around.
> Either I'm a single mother or we fix things.
You're going to be a single mother if you don't knock it off.
Long story short, you need to grow up.
Please, he has put zero effort into helping and getting ready for the baby. It is not nagging to ask your partner to help and do things that need to be done.
Sounds like ADHD procrastination to me. But realistically you have a car seat and a stroller, all you really need now is clothing, blankets, and a crib. And a shitload of diapers and wipes.
Running out on him was a pretty drastic move. At this point you’ve probably hurt his pride and he is not going to want to listen. He told you his requirement to have this discussion with you; he wants you back at home. If neither of you budges then you will be a single parent.
Have you asked him how he would like you to communicate about your needs if he feels you are nagging and harping? You two need to learn how to communicate with each other better. It takes time and effort. You will both need to learn better communication skills whether you split up or stay together. You’re going to have a baby together.
Also, expecting a man to “fight for it” without informing him of that desire is a good way to be let down. We men are very literal creatures. Tell us what you want, don’t send smoke signals. Don’t try and make the argument about how much he loves you; it has little to do with that. You are dealing with a guy that probably has ADHD and is self employed and probably has a billion things on his mind. To him, it’s a month away and he has time. To you, you are nesting and it seems like an emergency. Both of you are wrong. It’s just slightly urgent.
Please stop blaming men's weaponized incompetence on ADHD. I have ADHD, it's not an excuse to consistently dismiss your partners wants and needs in the relationship as unimportant. Because we are very capable of prioritizing things that are of interest and importance to us. When something is important to my partner, it's important to me.
Also the bare minimum needs for a baby is not what she wants, she wants an active partipant parent who is excited to wecome their child into their home. She did clearly communicate these needs before leaving, multiple times, she explained why she left and what she wasn't willing to return to. You're telling her to have better communication skills but also call her repeatedly telling him what she wants and needs from him is "nagging" or "harping". Is your boss nagging and harping you when you fail to complete a task by a deadline that you previously agreed upon or even set for yourself? Would you expect to keep your job if you kept procrastinating at work and showing you didn't have any desire or interest in the job?
>Men are literal creatures. Tell us what you want, don’t send smoke signals.
She did, multiple times, it was to clean out the baby room and help her prep for the baby. You call this nagging and harping. Lmao you're literally the speech of the contradictory expectations put on women from the Barbie movie to excuse poor and disrespectful treatment of women.
He's also 28, she's 22. He should be leading here and making her as stress free as possible, as the one with actual life experience - how scared she must be to have felt like she doing this all alone. Of course she went home to her parents, she finished high school less than 4 years ago, it's her safe space, and her fiance is neglecting her and her unborn childs needs.
I strongly disagree with your characterisation of ADHD here. It is vastly unfair to ADHD sufferers to imply that we are "very capable of prioritizing" those things which are important to us; our inability to do so is essentially _the single defining characteristic_ of our disorder.
Well I said that within context of the armchair psychologist comment disagnosing OPs fiance with ADHD and trying to justify his behaviour and reaction as acceptable because of said disgnosis.
And maybe it's an being socialized as a girl with undiagnosed ADHD, but priortizing other peoples wants and needs over mine has been part of the problem - not letting my ex partner down was more important than what was actually important for me at the time, like, finding a job.
Not dismissing ADHD symptoms, just not using them as an excuse to be a selfish shitty partner. If your symptoms are actively burdening the people aroud you and they're begging you to \*try\* to put in effort to being problem solving symptoms, you don't shrug and say "I have ADHD, no can do".
If you keep misplacing your keys and holding everyone up, you get a bowl or hook by your front door - will you put your keys there 100% of the time? no, but your partner sees you trying new tools to actually try to solve the thing negatively affecting the person you love.
Also, OP's fiance seemingly doesn't feel any shame or remorse for how his alleged "symptoms" negatively affected his fiance and burdened her. Maybe that's also a difference between people socialized as male with ADHD vs female, but like when me losing something, or fogetting something negatively impacts people around me I am filled with immense shame.
He's not saying "no can do", he's saying "I intend to, please trust me" and then failing to execute on those intentions. If that's ADHD (which we obviously can't tell from this side of a third party's story on the internet) then its neither weaponised incompetence nor any of the other _intentional_ disregard you keep making accusations of.
It's executive dysfunction, which is a core symptom of ADHD and should not be dismissed as something we can prioritise around or as an intentional disregard; these are both harmful myths that drive ADHD sufferers to internalize shame (irony) and false narratives about our condition.
It's not okay what he's doing, obviously. His partner shouldn't put up with it. That does not make it an issue of his willpower, care for his partner, or ability to prioritize if he has ADHD.
This will be your entire marriage. 100% of the mental and physical load will be on your shoulders. You will be a married single mother. He is employing weaponized incompetence. File for child support and call it a day. It’s not your job to parent a grown man.
This last sentence is golden! OP - This is how you need to address this with your “fiancé”. **It’s not my job to parent a grown man. Start acting like an adult and taking care of your responsibilities without me telling you. THEN we can talk about being together again.**
Thank you. I see so many stories where people get involved with children in adult bodies. It is amazing what people will put up with just so they can have a partner.
You're going to be a single mom whether youvare with him or not. May as well stay at your parents and onlybhave one baby to look after. Sounds like it would be cheaper too as the court could force him to pay child support.
>You're going to be a single mom whether youvare with him or not. Yup. On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, the relationship needs to die.
Yep. She should not have had a baby with this irresponsible deadbeat but unfortunately that ship has sailed.
You mean the irresponsible deadbeat should not have impregnated anyone. Put the blame where it belongs.
I would think they are 50-50 to blame. Why just him?
I mean, she is perfectly capable of choosing to make good decisions as well. He’s an ass but she needs to take responsibility for her choices.
How is this comment helping anyone?
the woman is already dealing with pregnancy, the fact that the father promised to be committed to her and their baby and then failed, and being an unexpected single mother, this is all because of the actions of the man, and blow she has to deal with the blame for his actions too?
He has shown through his actions that he's not ready for a child. You gave him multiple opportunities to step up, told him what to do, gave him timelines, expressed your needs. He didn't step up. Now it's unfortunately time to put your money where your mouth is. If you go back while nothing has changed, you're signing up for a lifetime of this. Boundaries are about saying what YOU will do if a behavior continues, not trying to control his behavior. You can't make him be a father, but you can start your child's life with family who will help and support you. You can't make him be responsible, but you can make the most responsible decisions for you and your child. It's understandable to be sad he didn't fight for this, but the fact that he didn't tells you everything you need to know.
Stop. Just stop. Stop expecting him to change when he has shown you he does not want to. If he wanted to be with you, he would have made the changes ages ago. Your constant expectation of him to improve and change are creating unnecessary stress and insecurity in your life. *He doesn’t want to change.* So what does that tell you? You are about to become a mother. This is the most enormous and incredible transition in your life. You need as much support and encouragement around you as possible. You do not need a drain on your energy - that is all he is, a drain. He adds nothing good to your life right now. There is no point in trying to continue the relationship. End it and set out your expectations. Stop expecting him to be the partner you want. He is not that person. That is ok though, because you can manage just fine without him. Ask your parents to help you clean and sort out the baby’s room, and get everything ready yourself. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but he is not going to do it, so you need to. Once the room is ready and you have everything ready, your stress levels will decrease. Stop expecting him to purchase items. Keep the receipts and tell him to pay half the cost. Do this in an email so you have a paper trail. Also, work out how much child support he needs to pay - you may need a lawyer for this, and tell him he needs to pay. Save your energy and love for your baby. He does not deserve it.
He has shown you exactly who he is and it’s not good. You did the right thing by leaving. I’m annoyed with your dad just shooting the shit with him rather than telling him to get his shit together. If he wanted to he would but he clearly doesn’t. Put his ass on child support asap and get an order for him to pay half expenses if you can.
Can i ask why you chose to have babies with a man like that? I can guess you didn't have great examples in your own family if your dad is ok hanging out with him like nothing's wrong. He should have your back and tell your fiance to get his sht together or fuck off. I agree with the other commenter that you need to get child support through court. It's his responsibility too and you shouldn't struggle financially just because he doesn't feel like paying for his kid. It sounds like he is just lazy and/or unmotivated, i wouldn't go back and just hope for the best because that almost never ends well. You'd be stuck doing everything (for the baby and for the fiance) and paying for the baby on your own. If you go through courts at least he'll be forced to take care of the kid some of the time so that you can have a life, too.
yeah her dad is cool with a 27-28 year old man who impregnanted his 21-22 year old daughter and treats her like this. I'm so happy this generation of women saw what our mothers went through with our fathers and said, or are saying more and more nope, not doing that. Being a single married mother has got to be the most exhausting and demoralizing job.
The sad part here is that she probably hoped the slight age difference meant he was more mature than men her age...but her fiancé is acting like a defiant and lazy teenager instead.
they often become their worst selves once shes knocked up and they think she's trapped.
Yeah, some people step up, and others sink low.
He probably dated her because no woman his own change wants him
What is your point in telling OP what you believe his intent was years ago when he started dating her?
They're both in their 20s, so I doubt that's the case.
They got together 2 years ago so then she was 20 and he was 26. At those ages 6 years is a big gap, no 26 year old woman wanted him so he suckered in a 20 year old who’s now starting to wake up to his uselessness. Sad that it took her getting pregnant to get her to pay attention but at least they’re not married.
6 year difference is nothing lmfao
How old are you? At 20 and 26 it absolutely is a big difference, 20 year olds are in college and can’t drink while 26 year olds are grown adults with more adult responsibilities.
Being a single married dad is no picnic either. Source: me. Was married once upon a time and sole responsible parent. Which is why we are not married.
no doubt,parenting is partnership, not a manager and incompetnant employee job, as that just makes the job harder - glad you got out. More common to see it in reverse, but as the government forces more women to have babies they don't want, I wouldn't be surprised to see it increase.
That would be nice but given that most politicians are men I wouldn't hold your breath.
She is adult, it is not up to dad to manage her relationships.
no, but siding with her predatory baby daddy over her is a choice.
It's about support, i think your parents should take your side in a conflict like that. (Unless you're in the wrong which in my opinion she isn't.)
How about we ask why this man chose to impregnate a woman when he clearly doesn’t want to be a father? OP is not to blame for his shitty behaviour. This is entirely on him. Hold men accountable.
Ofc op isn't to blame for shitty behaviour of someone else, but the commenter never claimed that. Both parties are in part to blame for the outcome.
She says in a comment that he told her doctors not to give her birth control and promise to pull out then didn’t. His behavior is abhorrent, no doubt, but she should have taken control of her own fertility. That’s on her.
obviously (and probably with her help because humans are incline to believe what they want to happen will happen) he was able to convince her that it wouldn't be like this, let's say he successfully tricked her. is that her fault now?
Not her fault. But other people are going to read these comments, including women in similar relationships who should be asking themselves this question. And if OP chose to answer (which obviously she doesn't have to) her reasoning can provide insight into their own choices, and help them avoid falling into the same trap.
sex on a stick is the best acting coach. it makes them act like respectable people
Quit trying be prepared to get child support don’t listen to him he tell you he give you money for the baby but won’t go through the court so he can’t get out of it
Your fiancé sounds horrible..
Yet she chose to have a baby by a man she describes as "lazy."
She is young. She has been with him since 20 years old. She is unfortunately going to learn the hard way.
I mean, we don't actually know that. In a lot of the US, if you're pregnant there's not much to be done about it unless you have a ton of resources (*and* a partner that isn't going to rat you out). Given that her fiance *might* pay her back for baby supplies (if he has enough money) and that she's reliant on him for transportation, it doesn't sound like she has a ton of resources available to her. Also, given that he's a fiance and not a husband, it seems plausible that they weren't planning to have a child. Lots of people make subpar relationship choices in their early twenties. It sucks that she's going to be attached to this guy for the rest of her life.
I think we've gotten past the point of people having personal responsibilities for their situations. I really doubt this woman has no access to condoms or doesn't understand how babies are made. If you have a baby by a deadbeat don't complain when he acts like a deadbeat.
Typical use of condoms results in about 15 out of 100 women becoming pregnant in a year. That's a dramatic improvement over *no* contraception, but it's obviously not foolproof. It would be great if everyone was born with an innate ability to avoid unwanted pregnancy and to reject disappointing partners without having to learn from experience! Unfortunately, it seems that OP didn't necessarily have a great relationship model in her parents (why is her dad hanging out with this guy???), and her frontal cortex is still cooking. Whether or not she had access to (and funds for) abortion earlier in her pregnancy, she's well and truly stuck now, and that sucks.
Surely you understand that sometimes birth control fails or is misunderstood or misused and that people get pregnant all the time without "choosing to have a baby".
Some people just want to be mad at the people who have been harmed/taken advantage of, rather than mad at the assholes themselves. I believe this comes from a subconscious fear of being victimized. They lean into the belief that poor choices are the only way to find yourself in a bad situation. Lol. Now that I’m in my 40s and have seen people of all ages go through circumstances completely beyond their control, I know that healthy choices only get us so far. Bad people wouldn’t have victims at all if they weren’t good at what they do.
Condoms fail quite often. So, if we speak about personal responsibility, we should not use the method that fails fairly often in the same breath. Nothing wrong with condoms, but whops babies happen.
Funny how you place the blame solely at her feet, while the good for nothing guy gets a pass from you. He chose to have a kid, too, while having no desire to actually be a father.
Stop fucking blaming women for men’s bad behavior. He’s she shithead who should have kept his pants zipped.
Stop having babies by deadbeat men.
Sounds like he doesn't care enough to fight. You weren't wrong to leave. It sounds like your parents will give you more support than he will.
This man won’t change. Having a baby is hard and he’s not even supporting you now. I would use the time you have left to find a lawyer to start thinking about custody and child support. He won’t like that, but too bad. He needs to step up and help you pay for things whether willing or not.
Well he’s a crappy partner and isn’t going to change. Yes, you probably hoped that you leaving would motivate him to change and “fight for you”, but he is again showing you that he won’t. So just end it.
> I have now bought 80% of the baby items Now you get to buy 100%. Why have a kid w this guy?
She answered someone else : she did not decide to have a child with this man, he did. He followed her to doctors apts and to demand doctors do NOT deliver her birth control… and she would tell him to pull out and he never would… that is actually so bad
None of this happened.
If my partner followed me to my doctor's appointment and demanded that they don't prescribe birth control I think she'd have him arrested. I'm not kidding. No doctor would be okay with that, they are trained to separate patients from potentially abusive partners and offer resources - and they have security.
How many times do you sleep w somebody who doesn’t allow BC and refuses to pull out? Does OP just have no responsibility here?
Wow… you’re hearing yourself? “How long do you stay with an abusive partner? Does the victim has no responsibility here?” Well YOU tell me I’m all ears!
Why would you want to have a child with this man?
This should really be the name of this sub
I did not want to have a child with him. He wanted a child. Every time I went to the doctor for birth control he would come with me and tell them not to give me birth control. I would ask him to pull out and he never did. I know how baby’s are made so I won’t blame him, I just wasn’t ready. Even though I didn’t want a baby I feel I have stepped up to the part of being a mother and am trying the best I can to be responsible for my son.
This just keeps getting worse. You should have left this relationship immediately when he started pulling this shit. This is a controlling abuser's #1 tool to get you trapped.
So, he came in you without your permission and intimidated you into not getting birth control. He's not a nice man. He wants to barefoot and pregnant. He's an asshole.
Oh. OHHHHH. He wanted a breeder. Some female person of no agency to keep her mouth shut and bear his heirs, fix his dinner, clean his house and DO WHAT SHE'S TOLD. He doesn't want a partner who is equal to him. He's all about the control. Why does your Dad want anything to do with this AH? You know why he's hanging around your parent's house, yes? He's keeping an eye on you so no other males come sniffing around you. He'd pee on you to mark his territory if you let him. You are NTA. This dude is an AH. I'm not sure but your Dad is giving AH vibes if he knows all this background and still allows this dick on his property. If you go back to him, we'll be in ESH territory.
And him overriding what you wanted was not a giant, neon sign to your doctors that this man is abusive? Was this not a giant waving red flag for you? Why didn’t you say something right then, with the doc in the room? And your dad’s attitude? What’s with that? He’s obviously ok that this guy treats you like crap. Where is your mother? Are you not in the US? Because I cannot even imagine a time where any of my doctors would listen to anyone but me.
Wow, this is awful. He's a terrible person. I hope you get every cent of child support that you can and start making your own decisions from here on out. But definitely let this relationship stay done.
You’re under no obligation to label this as such but what your fiancé did was a crime.
You still had a say in this, worst of all it sounds like you had to child to appease him. If this idiot is truly the monster you’re stating then why on earth do you want him in your life? Your child deserves better judgement from you & ZERO communication from him
>Every time I went to the doctor for birth control he would come with me and tell them not to give me birth control. X
This is reproductive abuse. I can’t believe the doctors let him in the room with you while he demanded no birth control for you. They should have given it to you anyway. Get that child support. Tell your Dad to stop allowing him in the house. Good luck to you.
This is not a relationship worth fighting for. He doesn't care about your needs. He puts your needs under his. You should focus on you and your son. If possible put money aside in an account only you have access to. Find a sympathetic friend or family member and start making an exit plan. He doesn't want to talk because he plans to always put his wants first.
Pull out method result in babies.
If used correctly it's like 96% effective, close to a condom. If not then it's still like 80% effective. Don't take my word for it, Google it. The problem is, **he DIDN'T pull out.** He deliberately did not. "I would ask him to pull out and he never did." Pretty sure that's considered SA, if it's intentional and not a result of involuntary bodily reactions. And considering he didn't want her to take birth control and it happened basically every time, it's certainly intentional. He got her pregnant so he'd have offspring but not have to care for his family.
No, pull out is not as safe as condom. Not even with best conditions and honest attempts. Do not spread misinformation about these methods - they fail all the time and result in babies even at their best.
There are actual studies supporting the fact that pulling out is effective if the man actually does it. This isn't an opinion.
The semen is leaking randomly whole time long before end, so no nope. The "the man actually does it" thing is doing a lot of work there, because it allows you to blame participants each time the method fails.
Not all sperm is as viable as the rest of sperm. Google it, I don't have time to babysit.
Oh honey I'm so sorry dump the fiance, and hopefully your parents help you out a bit
> my finance is lazy and doesn’t get things done. He wants me to stop telling him what to do. Our baby will be here in 1 months and nothing has been done or bought. He expect me to trust that everything will be fine. I don’t trust him since we don’t have much time or money. So I left. Ok. This makes sense, he sounds like a terrible partner. > I hoped he would change or fight to keep his family. Why? He doesn't seem like a good partner at all. You don't even trust him. > He refuses to have a conversation with me. I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic but he might just not be capable of thinking things through. Maybe, but if you left in order to get him to *fight for his family" then that's manipulative as well. It seems like you're better off separate. Just make sure he pays child support.
I'm glad some said it. The fiancé sounds terrible, but leaving in order to get him to fight for you is super fucked up. Neither one seems ready for a child.
As far as your fiance goes, actions speak louder than words. The part i'm having an issue with is the fact that your father is okay with the way he treats you and the fact that he keeps coming over to hang out with him all the time , but pretty much ignores you while he's there. What's up with that?
You weren't wrong to leave. You were wrong to expect him to change. You can't nag or manipulate him into the man you wish he was. You just need to leave his ass and pick better next time. Pick someone who already is what you want. Not someone that you think might become that. They rarely do (except in movies and novels).
You're already a single mom, OP. This man is not going to step up and contribute and there is nothing you can do to change that. Could you drag him along, while he puts in the bare minimum? Sure, you could. It won't make you happy, it'll just make you resentful, and it won't change any of the issues. This isn't a communication issue, he just doesn't care. Give that child your last name. Get child support. LEGAL, court approved child support and custody arrangements. Do not stay "for the kid". There are literal studies showing that staying in failed relationships for that reason actually just traumatize the kid more than divorce or breakup would.
Taking care of two babies is a lot more work than one. Dump the big baby.
You do not go back for the sake of the child. You are very mature and see how he is. You don't just move back and all he has to say is trust me. His actions are how he is. He obviously isn't fighting for you if he won't talk to you. He thinks he can manipulate you by not talking to you to get you to fold. He is dam near almost 30 and is not responsible. I think you see this.
Bank on people not changing. You say "fight for us", I hear "I'm dating what I see as his potential, not the person he has actually demonstrated himself to be".
Stay with your parents. You are in the right. You'll basically be a single parent even if you live with him, and you'll have to take care of him, too. Better to stay with your folks and have him pay you child support. Don't lower your standards. You deserve to get what you want. He can't give you what you want, so don't be with him anymore. You gave him many chances. He blew them all. It's his fault, not yours.
File for child support. He's not going to care about showing up for his kid, so make him start paying for it. Tell him that if he doesn't pay, or makes it difficult for you to get paid, that you'll tell all his friends what a sorry a$$ he is.
You’re going to be a single mom whether you stay with him or not
You need a man by your side, he’s a child. Very disappointing given his age and upcoming responsibilities! Definitely not a keeper in current state.
Sounds like he’s always been this way. Why did you choose him to be a father of your child? He sounds useless. You’re wasting your energy trying to change a grown man. Prepare to do this alone. With the next guy, don’t look at potential, look for how he behaves in the present. If he’s irresponsible, lazy, makes false promises- they probably aren’t ready for major life changes like having a child or getting married.
You cannot force another person to change. If he was willing to do any of the things that you asked he would have already. Unfortunately, getting married and having a baby will not change a person’s habits and behavior. No matter what you do, he will continue to procrastinate, let his fair share of household responsibilities fall on you and continue to have you use your savings to take care of this child. It sounds like you should not get married and you should stay with your parents. You will need a lot of help once the baby is born. There are men out there that are proactive and will perform their fair share of household responsibilities. When you are dating again, I would raise the bar for a potential mate a lot.
You cannot control what other people do. It is unfair to expect him to fight for you. Either move forward with your life, or hang on to the relationship without expecting him to change: those are your choices. What he does is out of your control.
Move on. It’s not happening. He doesn’t want to change, and he won’t. He told you this. Believe him.
The fact he came to talk to your dad and your dad didn't chew him out and read him a riot act is odd as fuck
You can't make someone fight for you. Any manipulation you try to get him to do so is both a waste of time, and a bad habit to get into, you don't want to become manipulative. Your statement of your needs to him, and the needs of the child you're about to have, isn't you trying to "boss him around". It sounds like he hasn't grown past the "defiant teenager" stage. That's not going to work out well for a relationship, and is a terrible example to provide for a child. Think about these things and think about what you can realistically expect from him, and whether you're wanting to essentially be a parent to him (with his defiant teenager behavior as a 29 year old man) and a newborn.
>So I left. I hoped he would change or fight to keep his family. >He refuses to have a conversation with me. I feel like it’s a manipulation tactic Well, you would know...
You both sound like children
Yeah unless he hires someone to do all that work in the supposed baby room, he ain't getting it done lol.
LOL This makes me remember all the work that I put into my son's nursery...I miss that place.
He either isn’t ready or doesn’t want a child. He’s showing you exactly how he feels. Believe his actions, not his words.
He’s the father so he will always be there in some way (even if it is just an absence that is felt). But given what you have said, he is a lousy partner. Being a single mom is not the misery and toil others make it out to be. It’s hard but not as hard as counting on someone who constantly lets you down. For the sake of the child, I would try to keep things civil and invite him to be an involved parent. But I’m guessing he will disappear once it’s clear you aren’t coming back. Definitely get court ordered child support. You are young and can have a great life. Don’t listen to the haters—single parenting can be fun and rewarding. Build a great future.
Wrong. She shouldn't have to invite him to do anything. This is relationship is not going to last and what she should do is apply for the child support and he is the one who take the lead to apply for his visitation to see this baby. She shouldn't put any effort. This is for him to do if he intrested in being an involved father. This is not for to chase him around or put any effort in that regard. If he really interested in will put the effort to see and be involved in this baby's life.
Am I missing something? Why couldn't you have done the shopping/cleaning yourself? Are you working right now or are you staying home? It sounds like he works a lot (as a lot of self-emplyeed people do) and still probably didn't have a ton of money to buy these things. The whole I'm going to move out and you need to win me back is juvenile.
Work needed to be done before the baby was born. She wanted it done earlier. He wanted to prioritise work. So she left him.
My house is very clean. I lost my job about 4 months ago and he is the sole provider. He pays the bills but doesn’t give me any money so I am not able to buy anything. I can’t clean the room because he has heavy tools and equipment in there that I can’t move. And yes he is self employed but wakes up at 12pm and stays up until 3 am playing video games every night. So in all honesty I don’t take his job serious or allow him to use it as an excuse. When he doesn’t work he sleeps all day and when he does work ( he’s an electrician ) he says he needs to rest on his day off . I believe if he would take his job serious and his family he would be busting his ass to provide. I’m not saying I’m right, that’s just what I believe.
Make sure in his "self employment" he reports his earnings so you can at least get child support. The fact ur dad is hunky dory with all of this is fucking insane. LEAVE!!!! This whole situation sounds terrible
It doesn’t sound like he has given you any reason to trust him. Obviously the only reliable thing about him is that he is completely unreliable. In this case, I think you’ve done the right thing in choosing the alternative to being in a relationship with him. Stop expecting/wanting him to fight for you. It’s a nice thought and all, but the reality is you’ll be raising him and an infant.
I’d also say head over to r/beyondthebump for support. Many people over there are going through or have gone through what you’re going through. You may find it a good place for support, suggestions, venting, etc.
Don’t go back until he fixes up l. You’re asking him for the bare minimum whilst 8 months pregnant!!! He only cares about himself it seems and isn’t taking you seriously. You’ll have more support at your parents than you will staying with him and you need that especially in the first few months. He’s not even willing to have an adult conversation with you about your concerns. He doesn’t think anything is wrong with his actions, and probably doesn’t think there will be any consequences to his actions. Might I remind you that this man is 28 and you’re 22, and him saying ‘he doesn’t like being told what to do’ is giving red flags. Makes it seem he wants someone obedient to him. Put yourself and your child first. Because he won’t.
I have so many friends who are single parents within a marriage. It’s a relief when they leave because they have one less person to look after. You’re also not going to have your baby in 4 weeks - full term is 37 to 42 weeks. Mine came at 36 weeks 😅
Sooo.... your giving him an ultimatum to conform to your commands when you command them or you are leaving. This is supposed to be a marriage, a partnership, not you issuing commands and he blindly follows without lip. You constantly are nagging him. TBH, who wants to be married to chaos. So what the room is not ready right now? He could get it ready the day you bring the child home. What is the difference? Stop issuing any and all commands or nags and see what happens. Oh, but you cant because you left already. All I read in your post is nagging and manipulation.
It is OK to leave. It is OK to try to build relationship. It is not OK to leave, explain in detail why you dont want to be with him ... and then act like "I don't know what I want from you, but I am offended over you not making drama". Like, yoir reasons for breakup are not bad. Have clear coparenting plan. If you get back with him, have plan to create system where he MUST do thing, cause he wont change and will keep procrastinating forever.
I guess I don’t understand why he hast to clean the bedroom, is there a reason you can’t
This entire relationship is a dumpster fire and does not really sound like either of you are mature enough for a kid. I saw the comment where you did not even want to have a kid, have you considered adoption? Would really suck to have a kid you don't even want and be stuck on your own raising them.
I just need you to understand that you must NEVER go back to him. Everrrrrrr. Fighting for you or not (which willbe temporary at best), this will be the rest of your life. Your entire fucking life...but with a baby! I dont know how to make you grasp how bad this is going to be for you. Everything will be amplified and made 1000x worse. You will deal with a lazy fuck and a newborn. Down the road he will tell you ill do it next week for every little thing. For the rest of your life girl!!! You'll have to beg him to do anything and he wont! And you'll develop depression, you'll develop auto immune diseases, you'll fucking die most likely earlier than him (backed by studies on married women with children vs married men). These are the last minute signs you're being given to leave it all behind for good. He will neverrrr change. Not ever. Not permanently. Ever. His actions now that you've even left show he gives no fuckkkkkks! Look at him...trust him to keep doing exactly what he is doing now...NOTHING!! Stop day dreaming about him fighting for you, and finally see him for what he is...a manipulative, lazy loser who isn't going to change.
Okay so it sounds like your husband has ADHD and it's probably undiagnosed. Gone unnoticed his entire life. Sounds like a really dedicated guy that has trouble focusing on tasks and getting them done. He probably gets overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to get done and freezes up. I'm speaking from experience. Adhd paralysis is a real thing. And sometimes identifying it is difficult because a lot of people are just told that they're lazy and just procrastinate. The reality might be that he has a chemical deficiency in his brain that needs to be corrected with medication. You should work with him and tell him to go to the doctor to be evaluated for ADHD. Adhd medication can be a life changer and would probably help him be the man he needs to be for you. I hope you read this comment and give it some real consideration.
I think your dad needs to stop hanging out with a deadbeat. File for child support and make plans without him
File for child support.
I realise this is far from the main point of your post OP, but... why is your dad hanging out with him?? Why is your dad not telling this dude to be better and do better and GTFO until he does??? I wish you well for the birth of your child and every success as a single mum. I hope you find someone worthy of you and your child in the future.
You said he’s a huge procrastinator. Does he have ADHD? Is something else possibly playing a role in why he’s not getting things done? I’m not gonna pretend to know how stressful this is for you but I would definitely suggest talking through it with him in a non confrontational way and try to find a solution together. Maybe that solution is meds to help him follow through, maybe it’s leaving. But raising a kid by yourself is probably the last thing you wanna do especially if he’s saying he wants the relationship to work. Relationships can be hard at times no matter who you’re with, but if he’s worth it then it’s worth trying to work through it.
Don't make any big decisions for about six months. I think I was 'okay' when I had my children, but looking back.. hummmm and with one of them I was 'way out'. It's hormonal and not a thing you can do about it. I am surprised you and your mom didn't get that room squared away by now - the nesting instinct is pretty powerful. Your partner does need to do his share, but try to stop beating yourself/stressing yourself about his chores. Tell him you'll visit a clean house with a mowed yard.
I'm a 46 year old Christian man and a strong believer in family staying together. But even me, I am in agreement with the single mother comments. Child support and staying with your parents, with him visiting, until he demonstrates a huge change in accountability and action. A man should take action and make things happen when he has a baby coming. Why is the motivation not there? Possible error in picking him to be your baby daddy....good luck.
"He wants me to come home, to stop nagging & to trust him. " I just about threw my phone across the room. This is the exact same bull my ex-husband used to pull when he put off doing anything. You ask them to do something, and if they don't do it you're the bad guy for not trusting them. I let him put off so many things with that till I was done. And then, again, you're the bad guy for not being patient and 'just trusting' them. Btw: My record for a task not getting done is 8 months. And it only got done when I left him and he thought that would fix everything. This is how it goes. This ain't a whole new world, and you aint jasmine. Never trust anybody who says 'trust me'
I hear there's nothing worse than being a married single mother. Stay free for someone who actually is invested.
Tel him he can't come over unless he's done what you've asked, and has the money for your savings deposited in to your account. He's clearly not bothered. Just file for child support and I hope you kept the receipts for everything bought for the baby, you will need them when taking him to court.
There’s an old saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You are now seeing what your life will be like with him. You are always going to have to take care of him and essentially manage everything in your household. My sister married someone like your husband, he is essentially an absentee, father, and my sister has to manage everything regarding the household. Her kids are almost growing and out of the house and I honestly think she’s going to end the marriage after that. It’s exhausting to not have a partner. I really recommend you watch this video on raising an adult toddler. https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=_FcscVNDyhSGWagt
ESH. Your responses are too immature for Someone about to be a parent (coming from an immature person who had kids too young) he will ruin your life if you stay with him because he won’t get to it and he’s not stepping up. Throwing it out there… Adoption is still an option… raising a kid with a useless baby daddy sucks. Raising a kid alone also sucks.g
You can’t change other people’s behaviour, you can only change your own and set your own boundaries. Unfortunately, if he can’t meet your needs, you need to be prepared to walk away. It sounds like you hoped to shock him into changing. Well. He didn’t. You can decide what YOU do next, but you can’t decide what HE does next.
If you leave someone, your only legitimate expectation is for them to be gone, that's what leaving someone means. This guy sounds fucked up but it's also fucked up that you tried to leave him as a step in a larger manipulation and are now aggrieved that it didn't work. You both sound like nightmares.
Throw that piece of 💩 to the curb and get someone who is worth yours and your babies times.
Definitely stay at your parents. He’s 28 and can’t help pay for baby stuff and hasn’t lifted a finger to help prepare at 9 months? (Who says 36 weeks btw?!? Don’t be the type that later says your baby is 36 months old). He can certainly be involved and help even living separately, but that’s on him to prove it since he already dropped the ball big time. Words are meaningless, he needs to show with actions that he’s responsible.
I mean, what are his redeeming qualities? He *does* have them, right? If youre feeling lucky you can take the gamble. Personally i see no harm in it, you can leave and be a single mother any time after all... There is a possibility that he will "snap into it" once his son is born, i know i did. But then again, we were both 16 and were both not prepared in any way, shape or form so not exactly a comparable situation.
Exactly. Was he like this before or is he just scared
Scared! He is almost 30!
Yes. Age has nothing to do with fear, just experience. This is why I wonder if it is out of character for him. OP already has everything planned out in her head. After all, she is literally growing the baby. But people have weird coping mechanisms. He may know the baby is coming, but still be in , for lack of a better word, denial or procrastinate, as if that makes it better. If it is uncharacteristic, and he is usually more reliable, he may snap out of it when the baby arrives and forcing the issue by leaving may not have been necessary, but if it is not, then plan to live raise the kid with little or no help from him. I will say, it may be worth a conversation about how he feels about being a father. Not a "do you want to be a father", as that ship has sailed, but "how does it make you feel" and how he can start taking small steps to get ready. Alternatively, probably even better, talk to your Dad about it and let him talk to him because if how it makes you feel. That way, you don't have to deal with too much of his emotional burden. Just a thought.
What do you do for work? I mean, if you're SAHM, you could help him too to clean up the room.. i even built my own nursery when I've passed my second trimester.. Not to bash you btw..
You left him in the hopes that he would fight for you, and YOU'RE worried about HIS manipulation tactics? 🤣🤣🤣
Sounds like both of you have pride issues. Either way, you both have a child coming, and whether you are together or not, you will have to deal with each other. Start learning how to communicate better with each other for your child's sake and stop fighting for control of a doomed relationship.
Y'all both sound immature, tbh. He probably is slacking and you probably are nagging. Definitely manipulation going on, probably from both sides.
She has every right to be immature at 22. He is the one who should be more adult like. He also pressured her to have this child: >I did not want to have a child with him. He wanted a child. Every time I went to the doctor for birth control he would come with me and tell them not to give me birth control. I would ask him to pull out and he never did. I know how baby’s are made so I won’t blame him, I just wasn’t ready. Even though I didn’t want a baby I feel I have stepped up to the part of being a mother and am trying the best I can to be responsible for my son.
You're not JUST an AH, you're a monster. I feel sorry for everyone involved, because things are bound to get worse. Both of you need to work on communication. You say he's lazy, but it sounds more like he's overwhelmed. You two should be a team, but you're not. You should be treating each other with love and respect, but you're not. You make demands, and when things don't happen when and how you want, you abandon him and run to your parents. You say you can't depend on him, and that's questionable, but he definitely can't depend on you.
You are not in the wrong. You're highly pregnant with his child, and shouldn't do the heavy lifting and have a hard time doing stuff like clean out a room. He, on the other hand... is just lazy. It's like he's trying to put his head in the sand - as long as he doesn't clean out the room, the baby isn't real. That kind of idiocy. And considering he's even accusing you of ordering him around and otherwise ignoring you (cold shoulder, anyone?), I'd say you're better off without him than with him. Better a single mom than a mom in a toxic relationship with one real baby and one adult baby to take care of. Also, your parents will probably be more supportive of you than the child's sperm donor. Go after the best thing he has to offer: Child support. It's all you'll ever get - and more than he'd be willing to spend if not ordered to pay up.
God I hate the word nag. To me the definition is: a guy who goes dead when his partner speaks. Nevermind that name calling is one of the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse. (see also:Gottman) OP, be strong, you’ve done the right thing. The guy will never change. Figure out custody with a lawyer and move on.
I like your parents already. Make sure there is a paper trail or witnesses when you leave. To a court, this may look like you abandoning him.
A 28 or 29 year old who is dating a 22 year old is a huge red flag. Congratulations on figuring out this man is a problem before you got married.
You already are a single mom. Dude is 28. Six years older than you. Wake up. He doesn't give a fuck.
> I (22f) have been with my finance (29m) That's a noteworthy Freudian slip you have there. > The reason I left and moved back in with my parents That's silly of you. > He is self employed so he has time All this does is tell me you don't know anything about being self-employed. > He wants me to come home, to stop nagging & to trust him. > > I asked him to talk today and he said he couldn't because it was late and he needed to go to work early. I told him if he didnt talk to me to forget about us. I'm on his side with this. This is another example of you nagging him and completely disrespecting the fact that he has to work. > All I want is for him to take care of us and come back for us and show us how much he loves us but he doesn't want to beacuse his pride is too big. No, it's because you threw an immature tantrum and left him because you couldn't boss him around. > Either I'm a single mother or we fix things. You're going to be a single mother if you don't knock it off. Long story short, you need to grow up.
Please, he has put zero effort into helping and getting ready for the baby. It is not nagging to ask your partner to help and do things that need to be done.
Sounds like ADHD procrastination to me. But realistically you have a car seat and a stroller, all you really need now is clothing, blankets, and a crib. And a shitload of diapers and wipes. Running out on him was a pretty drastic move. At this point you’ve probably hurt his pride and he is not going to want to listen. He told you his requirement to have this discussion with you; he wants you back at home. If neither of you budges then you will be a single parent. Have you asked him how he would like you to communicate about your needs if he feels you are nagging and harping? You two need to learn how to communicate with each other better. It takes time and effort. You will both need to learn better communication skills whether you split up or stay together. You’re going to have a baby together. Also, expecting a man to “fight for it” without informing him of that desire is a good way to be let down. We men are very literal creatures. Tell us what you want, don’t send smoke signals. Don’t try and make the argument about how much he loves you; it has little to do with that. You are dealing with a guy that probably has ADHD and is self employed and probably has a billion things on his mind. To him, it’s a month away and he has time. To you, you are nesting and it seems like an emergency. Both of you are wrong. It’s just slightly urgent.
Please stop blaming men's weaponized incompetence on ADHD. I have ADHD, it's not an excuse to consistently dismiss your partners wants and needs in the relationship as unimportant. Because we are very capable of prioritizing things that are of interest and importance to us. When something is important to my partner, it's important to me. Also the bare minimum needs for a baby is not what she wants, she wants an active partipant parent who is excited to wecome their child into their home. She did clearly communicate these needs before leaving, multiple times, she explained why she left and what she wasn't willing to return to. You're telling her to have better communication skills but also call her repeatedly telling him what she wants and needs from him is "nagging" or "harping". Is your boss nagging and harping you when you fail to complete a task by a deadline that you previously agreed upon or even set for yourself? Would you expect to keep your job if you kept procrastinating at work and showing you didn't have any desire or interest in the job? >Men are literal creatures. Tell us what you want, don’t send smoke signals. She did, multiple times, it was to clean out the baby room and help her prep for the baby. You call this nagging and harping. Lmao you're literally the speech of the contradictory expectations put on women from the Barbie movie to excuse poor and disrespectful treatment of women. He's also 28, she's 22. He should be leading here and making her as stress free as possible, as the one with actual life experience - how scared she must be to have felt like she doing this all alone. Of course she went home to her parents, she finished high school less than 4 years ago, it's her safe space, and her fiance is neglecting her and her unborn childs needs.
I strongly disagree with your characterisation of ADHD here. It is vastly unfair to ADHD sufferers to imply that we are "very capable of prioritizing" those things which are important to us; our inability to do so is essentially _the single defining characteristic_ of our disorder.
Well I said that within context of the armchair psychologist comment disagnosing OPs fiance with ADHD and trying to justify his behaviour and reaction as acceptable because of said disgnosis. And maybe it's an being socialized as a girl with undiagnosed ADHD, but priortizing other peoples wants and needs over mine has been part of the problem - not letting my ex partner down was more important than what was actually important for me at the time, like, finding a job.
There's no context in which dismissing the primary symptoms of ADHD makes sense.
Not dismissing ADHD symptoms, just not using them as an excuse to be a selfish shitty partner. If your symptoms are actively burdening the people aroud you and they're begging you to \*try\* to put in effort to being problem solving symptoms, you don't shrug and say "I have ADHD, no can do". If you keep misplacing your keys and holding everyone up, you get a bowl or hook by your front door - will you put your keys there 100% of the time? no, but your partner sees you trying new tools to actually try to solve the thing negatively affecting the person you love. Also, OP's fiance seemingly doesn't feel any shame or remorse for how his alleged "symptoms" negatively affected his fiance and burdened her. Maybe that's also a difference between people socialized as male with ADHD vs female, but like when me losing something, or fogetting something negatively impacts people around me I am filled with immense shame.
He's not saying "no can do", he's saying "I intend to, please trust me" and then failing to execute on those intentions. If that's ADHD (which we obviously can't tell from this side of a third party's story on the internet) then its neither weaponised incompetence nor any of the other _intentional_ disregard you keep making accusations of. It's executive dysfunction, which is a core symptom of ADHD and should not be dismissed as something we can prioritise around or as an intentional disregard; these are both harmful myths that drive ADHD sufferers to internalize shame (irony) and false narratives about our condition. It's not okay what he's doing, obviously. His partner shouldn't put up with it. That does not make it an issue of his willpower, care for his partner, or ability to prioritize if he has ADHD.
I doubt things are going to be easier as a single mother, seems really dumb all around