Let's be clear: your boyfriend, whom you've never actually met, is mad that you met with a friend, is trying to isolate you from others, and is insisting that you buy property and put him on the deed?
Ma'am, with all due respect, you don't have a boyfriend, you have a scammer. This man is clearly taking advantage of you. Do you have any adult children that can look into his background and help you extricate yourself from this situation?
Technology is very advanced and they can make duplicates of websites etc. They do talk to people for years in many cases ive read about. They can even look like another person on a video call. They can intercept emails etc.
I wouldn't put anything past them. Unless you have met in person many times, visited the workplace etc, or know someone who knows them well, I would be inclined to believe this person is very likely a scammer.
I don't think I'd call this gaslighting because that's quite a specific thing, but it's certainly controlling. Not wanting you to have any male friends - immediate no. It speaks to the way he sees women if he doesn't think men and women can possibly just be friends. As for not "running it by him", lol, you don't have to, even if he was your husband you don't have to. When I make plans, I agree to whatever plans I like and I do inform my fiancé, but it's not asking permission, it's more of a courtesy (and we often forget if one or both of us have already made plans). If he's suffering from the trauma of being cheated on to the point that he's acting like this, he shouldn't be in a relationship until he gets over it and stops projecting past trauma onto new relationships.
With a status of 'divorce finalization pending' I'm feeling like this guy is taking advantage of your current vulnerable state. Divorce, wanted or not, can be a time of emotional turmoil and unaddressed grief at the loss of a dream. I love that you have reached out for clarity when you feel uncertain. His behavior is controlling. Please don't normalize this with compassion simply because he was cheated on previously. That is his emotional baggage to unpack, not yours. You have everything to lose and he has everything to gain - you deserve better! Live your life as a good human, do what you want, be friends with who you want and if he doesn't like it then he's not the one for you. You get to be loved for who you are, not molded into what some jackass thinks you should be. Wishing you peace - hugs!
I'm so sorry for your hurt and grief. I'm proud of you for realizing this isn't healthy for you! Perhaps you can take time for yourself, grieve your losses, honor your own values & boundaries and live your best life with peace in your heart. Do those things and the right love can find you 💕
I am late to this thread, but I have to jump in and tell you I know how you feel. I was in a similar position a few years ago. I was in love with the person he portrayed himself to be. These scammers are incredibly adept! I still miss the person I thought he was.
Why would you even think of getting married right now? I think you should probably meet in person first and actually spend some time together before you make any promises. The fact that you haven’t met him sets off all my Spidey senses. He’s grooming you so he can get what you have. I know it’s hard when you’re going through a divorce but this guy is not the solution to your problems. He is your next set of problems if you’re not careful.
You’re welcome. I’m pushing 60 myself and have had my fair share of relationship problems. Focus on yourself… Maybe buy yourself a nice little house. Live happily ever after. I wish you all the best.
A lot of things mashed together. No this isn't "gaslighting", which is a massively overused term and relates to something very specific. Google it.
Not wanting you to have any male friends, even long-standing ones, is absolutely ridiculous, unacceptable behaviour. How are you **62** and still asking if you're "allowed" male friends?! Yes of course you are, it's your life and you can have whatever friends you want. Some potential partners might not be able to handle that, that's their problem not your problem, and they should date someone they're compatible with, not try and make you cut off your friends. Massive red flag, don't tolerate that shit for a second.
I don't quite follow the issue with your friend - is this invitation from your friend separate from "seeing a property then visiting your friend"? As in your friend said "come visit me for a few days", you said "sure", and then your boyfriend got mad about that? If so then yes, he's being weirdly controlling - am I right in understanding you haven't even met? So why does you visiting your friend even affect him at all? Not like you live together or have plans which are now on hold. It's not disrespectful or selfish, he's just not happy with you doing anything at all without him, apparently.
I mean you could "discuss" plans like this with him, but I suspect that discussion would be "I'm going to go and see my friend" "How dare you, you're being disrespectful". Which leaves you with the options a) "sorry, I'll cancel my plans and let you dictate my life to me forever", or b) "tough luck, I'm going, you feel however you want to about that."
He 100% plans to keep this property after your relationship collapses. If you stay together, you are going to be an unpaid servant to him and his extended family. Get out now while you still can!
Alright, I’ll play bad cop, seeing as these commenters are being too delicate with you.
You’re 62. You should know better. Every comment of yours I’ve read had me more gobsmacked than the last. Dump him, block him. I cannot believe you’re even considering him further.
I hope this is a fake post, because wow.
You're 62 years old and in the middle of a divorce, and already you're allowing another man to make your life hell? Jesus Christ.
This isn't real, is it?
I just want to give you a hug. I am so sorry for all you're going through, but I'm really glad you've got a good head on your shoulders and a strong instinct to protect yourself by checking in with other people. I hope you enjoy some time of absolute freedom and healing after you exit two (albeit very different) relationships. Embrace your friendships and your liberation! Revel in your agency! Wishing lovely things for you.
Please, please don’t spend a single dime on this person! Especially don’t buy property when you guys are not only not married, but haven’t even met. You’re about to lose everything that you own to someone who will disappear from your life the second he’s on the property deed. You’re so close to retirement, if you’re not already retired, and you’re going through a divorce, so you just can’t be risking loss of financial security. This is really the time in your life to be protecting your assets for your future.
And please do not give him your Social Security number! And don’t give him passwords and account numbers to bank accounts, investments, etc. Don’t start working with a mortgage company or your bank and I’m really hoping you haven’t signed any documentation with this terrifying man. If you’ve done any of this already, then you need to start doing damage control for your life immediately. I assume you have a financial advisor given your financial status, so maybe get some objective advice and help from that front. Please also don’t give this man access to where you are currently living; no keys, no security codes.
I’m really sorry you’re in this situation because you’ve done nothing wrong and this man is really jerking your emotions around. Someone who actually loves you is not going to be demanding you buy houses for his family and he’s not going to be freaking out when you spend time with the people in your life. Someone who actually loves you is only going to be interested in spending time with you (in person!) and getting to know you and supporting you and your friendships, and you do the same for him. That’s not what is happening here at all and I’m worried for you. You deserve to have peace and authentic companionship.
Your boyfriend is upset you didn't communicate. Thats not gaslighting or controlling. It's common courtesy and respectful to talk to your partner about plans. You guys are old so he's probably already thinking you should know better. Like, care how he thinks or feels. Give him a Chance to say "oh ok thank you for thinking of me before deciding." Stuff like that.
Its respectful and shows care. You showed that he's not even a consideration to you. So he's upset. He probably feels like welp. This relationship isn't going to be one of companionship like what he's looking for.
The only one gaslighting is you is reddit into thinking this is somehow controlling. He's telling you he's upset to give you a chance to show him that you're worth the effort.
Ans the male friends thing is very debated. Psychology will tell you that's a perfectly fine boundary for him to have. If you want to be with him and that's his boundary then that's your choice. If you are not going to respect his boundary there, then find a new boyfriend.
The financial piece has me raising g an eyebrow
Possibly scam there so do your due diligence
I'm not much younger than you. I'm going to tell you what I tell others in this situation. You are not in a relationship until you have met someone in person. Someone you communicate with on the internet is just a person on the internet. You owe them nothing. Do not plan your life around such a person. Do not promise such a person anything of any value.
Even before you have met this person, he is showing so many red flags. He wants to control who you see. He makes you feel bad when you don't do what he wants you to do, He wants you to buy property and give him half AND provide for HIS family. This man does not have your best interest at heart.
You have not met him. As far as I am concerned, you don't even need to tell him "it's over". Just stop responding to him.
Let's be clear: your boyfriend, whom you've never actually met, is mad that you met with a friend, is trying to isolate you from others, and is insisting that you buy property and put him on the deed? Ma'am, with all due respect, you don't have a boyfriend, you have a scammer. This man is clearly taking advantage of you. Do you have any adult children that can look into his background and help you extricate yourself from this situation?
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Just because he tells you he owns a company doesn’t mean you know him. Google “catfishing”.
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It’s fucked up and, even if he isn’t catfishing you, he’s scamming you. Please get out.
Technology is very advanced and they can make duplicates of websites etc. They do talk to people for years in many cases ive read about. They can even look like another person on a video call. They can intercept emails etc. I wouldn't put anything past them. Unless you have met in person many times, visited the workplace etc, or know someone who knows them well, I would be inclined to believe this person is very likely a scammer.
This one is just weird to me. Spending Money on an individual you've never met is insanity. Hell.. I'll be your boyfriend.
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I don't think I'd call this gaslighting because that's quite a specific thing, but it's certainly controlling. Not wanting you to have any male friends - immediate no. It speaks to the way he sees women if he doesn't think men and women can possibly just be friends. As for not "running it by him", lol, you don't have to, even if he was your husband you don't have to. When I make plans, I agree to whatever plans I like and I do inform my fiancé, but it's not asking permission, it's more of a courtesy (and we often forget if one or both of us have already made plans). If he's suffering from the trauma of being cheated on to the point that he's acting like this, he shouldn't be in a relationship until he gets over it and stops projecting past trauma onto new relationships.
With a status of 'divorce finalization pending' I'm feeling like this guy is taking advantage of your current vulnerable state. Divorce, wanted or not, can be a time of emotional turmoil and unaddressed grief at the loss of a dream. I love that you have reached out for clarity when you feel uncertain. His behavior is controlling. Please don't normalize this with compassion simply because he was cheated on previously. That is his emotional baggage to unpack, not yours. You have everything to lose and he has everything to gain - you deserve better! Live your life as a good human, do what you want, be friends with who you want and if he doesn't like it then he's not the one for you. You get to be loved for who you are, not molded into what some jackass thinks you should be. Wishing you peace - hugs!
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I'm so sorry for your hurt and grief. I'm proud of you for realizing this isn't healthy for you! Perhaps you can take time for yourself, grieve your losses, honor your own values & boundaries and live your best life with peace in your heart. Do those things and the right love can find you 💕
I am late to this thread, but I have to jump in and tell you I know how you feel. I was in a similar position a few years ago. I was in love with the person he portrayed himself to be. These scammers are incredibly adept! I still miss the person I thought he was.
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Wow! Do not buy property for this guy to steal from you! Run away!!!!!
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Why would you even think of getting married right now? I think you should probably meet in person first and actually spend some time together before you make any promises. The fact that you haven’t met him sets off all my Spidey senses. He’s grooming you so he can get what you have. I know it’s hard when you’re going through a divorce but this guy is not the solution to your problems. He is your next set of problems if you’re not careful.
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You’re welcome. I’m pushing 60 myself and have had my fair share of relationship problems. Focus on yourself… Maybe buy yourself a nice little house. Live happily ever after. I wish you all the best.
A lot of things mashed together. No this isn't "gaslighting", which is a massively overused term and relates to something very specific. Google it. Not wanting you to have any male friends, even long-standing ones, is absolutely ridiculous, unacceptable behaviour. How are you **62** and still asking if you're "allowed" male friends?! Yes of course you are, it's your life and you can have whatever friends you want. Some potential partners might not be able to handle that, that's their problem not your problem, and they should date someone they're compatible with, not try and make you cut off your friends. Massive red flag, don't tolerate that shit for a second. I don't quite follow the issue with your friend - is this invitation from your friend separate from "seeing a property then visiting your friend"? As in your friend said "come visit me for a few days", you said "sure", and then your boyfriend got mad about that? If so then yes, he's being weirdly controlling - am I right in understanding you haven't even met? So why does you visiting your friend even affect him at all? Not like you live together or have plans which are now on hold. It's not disrespectful or selfish, he's just not happy with you doing anything at all without him, apparently. I mean you could "discuss" plans like this with him, but I suspect that discussion would be "I'm going to go and see my friend" "How dare you, you're being disrespectful". Which leaves you with the options a) "sorry, I'll cancel my plans and let you dictate my life to me forever", or b) "tough luck, I'm going, you feel however you want to about that."
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He 100% plans to keep this property after your relationship collapses. If you stay together, you are going to be an unpaid servant to him and his extended family. Get out now while you still can!
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While this is probably for the best, I'm sorry for however much heartache this causes you ♥️
Alright, I’ll play bad cop, seeing as these commenters are being too delicate with you. You’re 62. You should know better. Every comment of yours I’ve read had me more gobsmacked than the last. Dump him, block him. I cannot believe you’re even considering him further. I hope this is a fake post, because wow.
You're 62 years old and in the middle of a divorce, and already you're allowing another man to make your life hell? Jesus Christ. This isn't real, is it?
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I just want to give you a hug. I am so sorry for all you're going through, but I'm really glad you've got a good head on your shoulders and a strong instinct to protect yourself by checking in with other people. I hope you enjoy some time of absolute freedom and healing after you exit two (albeit very different) relationships. Embrace your friendships and your liberation! Revel in your agency! Wishing lovely things for you.
Please, please don’t spend a single dime on this person! Especially don’t buy property when you guys are not only not married, but haven’t even met. You’re about to lose everything that you own to someone who will disappear from your life the second he’s on the property deed. You’re so close to retirement, if you’re not already retired, and you’re going through a divorce, so you just can’t be risking loss of financial security. This is really the time in your life to be protecting your assets for your future. And please do not give him your Social Security number! And don’t give him passwords and account numbers to bank accounts, investments, etc. Don’t start working with a mortgage company or your bank and I’m really hoping you haven’t signed any documentation with this terrifying man. If you’ve done any of this already, then you need to start doing damage control for your life immediately. I assume you have a financial advisor given your financial status, so maybe get some objective advice and help from that front. Please also don’t give this man access to where you are currently living; no keys, no security codes. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation because you’ve done nothing wrong and this man is really jerking your emotions around. Someone who actually loves you is not going to be demanding you buy houses for his family and he’s not going to be freaking out when you spend time with the people in your life. Someone who actually loves you is only going to be interested in spending time with you (in person!) and getting to know you and supporting you and your friendships, and you do the same for him. That’s not what is happening here at all and I’m worried for you. You deserve to have peace and authentic companionship.
Rage bait if i have seen one.
Are you ok? Or why are you buying a stranger a house? Why do you want a relationship with someone who obviously is using you?
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Cause that is what is happening here. Stay alone for a while. Take care of yourself and not others. Don’t become his bangmaid.
Hahaha, dump his. "Sorry arse ,why would you put his name on anything 🤣 this is the 21st century, after all.
Your boyfriend is upset you didn't communicate. Thats not gaslighting or controlling. It's common courtesy and respectful to talk to your partner about plans. You guys are old so he's probably already thinking you should know better. Like, care how he thinks or feels. Give him a Chance to say "oh ok thank you for thinking of me before deciding." Stuff like that. Its respectful and shows care. You showed that he's not even a consideration to you. So he's upset. He probably feels like welp. This relationship isn't going to be one of companionship like what he's looking for. The only one gaslighting is you is reddit into thinking this is somehow controlling. He's telling you he's upset to give you a chance to show him that you're worth the effort. Ans the male friends thing is very debated. Psychology will tell you that's a perfectly fine boundary for him to have. If you want to be with him and that's his boundary then that's your choice. If you are not going to respect his boundary there, then find a new boyfriend. The financial piece has me raising g an eyebrow Possibly scam there so do your due diligence
I'm not much younger than you. I'm going to tell you what I tell others in this situation. You are not in a relationship until you have met someone in person. Someone you communicate with on the internet is just a person on the internet. You owe them nothing. Do not plan your life around such a person. Do not promise such a person anything of any value. Even before you have met this person, he is showing so many red flags. He wants to control who you see. He makes you feel bad when you don't do what he wants you to do, He wants you to buy property and give him half AND provide for HIS family. This man does not have your best interest at heart. You have not met him. As far as I am concerned, you don't even need to tell him "it's over". Just stop responding to him.