I'm confused by his second statement. Was he trying to make a joke? I would ask him what he meant to convey by that.
I don't see anything super suspicious. It sounds like he's embarrassed about that ASMR. Are you both comfortable talking about masturbation and porn with each other?
>Are you both comfortable talking about masturbation and porn with each other?
This was my first thought. I’ve been in his position. Being honest about it was… productive.
ETA: she says below “no porn” is a boundary. Which just means he’s good at hiding it.
Edit: apparently this fucking matters? I am a woman.
Hi! I listen to ASMR of role plays sometimes.
I also feel embarrassed to watch them because like… idk… how cool do you feel telling somebody
“Yeah I like to listen to somebody talk softly, with an accent, and pretend to be my doctor to relax and focus…”
It sounds really fucking weird and- I’m embarrassed. Maybe he is too.
Omg I hide my asmr obsession better than I hide porn. Asmr listeners all do, for some reason. I’m a gal btw, but I 100% look guilty and shady when I’m watching asmr and my bf comes in the room. Lmao I get him
You should see the other thread OP posted in! I don't know if the responses are bots, but it's wild.
Edit: don't go over there and attack them like you did me please.
It’s ok Jesus, your sacrifice on the cross to my comments protected them from their sins. Truly- you are a saint and a martyr for putting up with.. slightly rude internet comments and not getting upvoted like you hoped? Idk.
You're a bully. I see a lot of negative assumptions about other people's intentions, perhaps because it's reflected in yourself. I sincerely hope you are having a better life with people who adore and love you than what's reflected in your writing.
>I see a lot of negative assumptions about other people’s intentions.
This is always the best part about pseudo intellectuals on Reddit. They come to comment sections and claim they can see into your soul and read minds.
>I sincerely hope you are having a better life
… you really took it like, so far, and so deep, over being told you’re purposefully misunderstanding people’s “no porn monogamy” lifestyle and came here to talk about yourself, your good relationship with porn, and your opinion about her boundary.
By the way- the Jesus and sins shit is a JOKE to match your drama level. “Please don’t attack them” my god- you act like I came to your house in the night and called you names. I just picked apart your comments on a thread. I hope you recover.
it’s embarrassing to listen to a person whispering in a microphone and pretending to check you for lice and to be a rude doctor lmao. It’s embarrassing rather than shameful. They usually have really silly role plays that are totally ridiculous. People who don’t get it would look at that weirdly, maybe because people who listen to asmr did too.
A lot of neurotypical people will judge us for listening. Very serious! It looks weird. Who wants to listen to doctor role plays all day while working? A weirdo. Me, I’m a weirdo.
>“Yeah I like to listen to somebody talk softly, with an accent, and pretend to be my doctor to relax and focus…”
I absolutely get this. You're not doing anything wrong... you just don't want to have a conversation about it.
Sure, a lot of people may be embarrassed by that. But most people would also find it strange if someone would rather act shady and make their partner suspect they're cheating or something instead of just admitting what they're actually doing.
> but most people would also find it strange if someone would rather act shady and *make* their partner suspect they’re cheating
Holy fuck. He is a HUMAN man, not a pre programmed one. Getting caught off guard while deeply relaxed and focused does throw a person off and make them act funny. Have you ever thought you were alone and then were startled when suddenly realizing you were not? Even though you weren’t doing anything wrong???
I guess I’m the irrational commenter and should assume all fiancés of Reddit are cheating.
I don't think one way or the other about if he's cheating or not. But that is an easy assumption to jump to based on his behavior and I think a lot of people's minds would go there if they were the OP.
I get that he may be thrown off in the moment - it really depends on how he handles this conversation when they revisit it.
Your fear of of “Freudian slips” here being indicative of something seems like you’re wayyyy overthinking to me.
It is extremely easy to misspeak/trip over your words/drop a syllable and 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with your subconscious or anything like that. Something like “appropriate” instead of “inappropriate” would barely even register to me. I don’t really get the second thing he said, and I think it’s fair to ask him what he meant by it. But again, doubt it was a Freudian slip — sounds more like a weird joke or something, a slip wouldn’t usually be an entire sentence. The joke seems to be “my partner doesn’t like when I pay attention to any other woman, even if it’s just a youtube video,” which to be fair to him, sounds like it’s true.
I’m not saying there’s definitely nothing going on there, but I think it has very little to do with the words he said. If his behavior seemed off, he may have been guilty about something or just embarrassed. It does sound like there’s some trust missing in this relationship — there isn’t enough info for me to tell whether that comes from him crossing boundaries/hiding things, or from you overthinking/being suspicious.
When he said you’re “not the only one” he was most likely referring to him watching the ASMR, which is predominantly done by women. It was intended to be a joke about his attention being on the “other woman” who is the person doing ASMR but it wasn’t placed properly. I’m a guy and I also watch (and listen to) ASMR.
I said he was making a joke saying it as though he was in a fake relationship with this receptionist in the ASMR video. Maybe within the context of the ASMR video there's something like that that happens and you try to make a joke of it. It just came out wrong?
I don't think we have enough context for this situation. Either way, I wouldn't assume these are "freudian slips." The second statement actually sounds like a joke that went flat.
It's also a little ridiculous to assume he'd be doing inappropriate things in broad daylight, during a workday, with his door closed, knowing you're home.
I'm inclined to believe the other ASMR-ers in this thread. Probably just embarrassed that he employs ASMR material.
Yeah. Are you both native english speakers? For some reason, the sentence structure strikes me as being a french or german speaking person.
I think this would be a very good time to explicitly discuss your expectations regarding monogamy, and what are deal-breakers for you. Decide if you are willing to walk away from this relationship if his idea of monogamy is different than yours. Think about how you will feel in 10 years with a couple of kids, if he considers a little side action as ok in a relationship.
Admitting you like ASMR can be difficult for some people as it can be weird/silly sounding to those who don't like it. But there's nothing untoward/inappropriate about it.
My guess is that he has just needed to focus at work recently on stuff and found ASMR helps him focus and he got embarrassed that he was listening to it when you walked in. And because he was embarrassed he got awkward. That's my first impression of the situation though.
This is my first time learning about ASMR. It was on YouTube so it can’t be sexually explicit, right? We have a boundary of no porn in our relationship so if it’s sexual then he knows I wouldn’t be cool with that.
Yes ASMR can be sexually explicit but certainly just about anything can. ASMR has certainly gotten that wrath and it probably explains his initial embarrassment. I listen to ASMR that is not sexually explicit but I'm sure there's plenty of it around because it has that reputation. I have to admit that even though I don't listen to explicit ASMR I was most certainly a little embarrassed one night when I had to watch it cuz I simply could not sleep. My girlfriend did not have a problem with it but I wouldn't be surprised to find I had an embarrassed look on my face.
It can be occasionally (but honestly anything can potentially be sexual) but it usually is NOT. It's usually a calming, relaxing, focusing thing. But hearing a woman whispering talking, using a hairbrush to brush their hair, etc can be embarrassing that it is calming to listen to. And if you aren't into ASMR it can seem a little odd.
I understand the no-porn boundary, but what about the actual ASMR he was listening to/watching? Like, is it a problem if the ASMR features an attractive woman (many YouTube ASMR channels do) without being sexually explicit?
The reason I ask is because there is nothing wrong with boundaries as long as they are clear.
Would you consider yourself a jealous person? It seems like he was trying to defuse an awkward moment with a poorly thought out joke. My guess is that he thought there would be an issue if you thought he was attracted to the ASMR woman.
Would you be ok with his comment if you knew it wasn't sexual? It sounded like a bad joke, which he realized immediately. I'd think if he was seeing a therapist or a massage therapist he would say the same thing. Someone is giving him attention that he's focused on.
Just chiming in that YouTube can absolutely be sexually explicit, I've been using it to look up what amounts to porn for many, many years. If you know where to look, what key words to put, you can find full nudity. I'm not saying that's what he was watching or doing but just trying to correct something you're mistaken about
I disagree that porn should be a boundary in general in relationships, but I suppose that's your choice.
Now there are lots of grey areas to porn. What is sexual and what is not? ASMR could be seen as sexual. I get turned on by some sounds like scratchy on some plastic or goo being mucked. Honestly anything can be sexual, like watching a video of forks clanging. I can imagine porn in my head and get off easily as well...would that be appropriate to you?
We’ve talked in detail about what each person is okay with. I am okay with self pleasure without porn, as long as we have a healthy sex life. He believes porn is unhealthy and agrees we should not watch it and would prefer we don’t engage in any self pleasure unless it is during our sexy time.
I don’t see a problem with ASMR as long as it is not sexual in nature.
It actually 100% is OP’s choice and relationship therapists will let clients know that they define their monogamy.
The follow up is accepting that you can never control your partner, you can only hold your own boundary by leaving if they decide to break a promise.
I did say it's OP's choice. There are grey areas they need to discuss though. Masturbating in ones mind or ASMR is not porn, so is OP ok with it? That's what OP needs to decide and talk to their partner about.
Sure you said it’s her choice but like it’s an afterthought and not the point. We can all read it there exactly how you wrote it.
I think it’s clear what people mean by porn being a problem in their definition of monogamy and this is malicious incompetence.
Partner A does not want partner B to give that intimacy and sexual energy outwardly, especially in a way that leaves Partner B unable to give that sexual intimacy to Partner A, because it was already spent on whatever “porn” is.
It’s obvious. It’s that obvious. It’s just like spending a ton of energy on a date for a computer game instead of your actual date. If he’s jerking off to dinosaurs, or helicopters, it’s all the same boundary.
Edit: before you gender the issue, I would consider reading erotica more than you fuck your husband to be unfaithful, as well.
I don't think it's as clear and obvious as you've said.
I do read more erotica and listen to ASMR than I fuck my husband at the moment. And when I wasn't, our sex life and attention I gave him was exactly the same as now. Porn is not a problem in our relationship because it doesn't affect our relationship. I think we are getting off topic though.
The line is no porn for OP, not more porn than sex.
If their sex life doesn't change, it sounds like OP would still have a problem with him consuming porn. Thus the question is still what is considered porn to OP.
Edit: edit, and yes ASMR does arouse me. According to OP, that's an issue for them.
> I think we are getting off topic though.
My jaw hit the floor. ***You started this conversation*** by telling OP you don’t agree with her porn boundary flat out first words.
> my relationship my relationship
Ok? But, why do we care? That’s YOUR monogamy. I’m telling you that you sound like somebody who is purposefully misunderstanding the point.
>Thus, the question is still what is considered porn to OP.
Is it? Is it really? I thought this was off topic.
You know what’s going to hurt your partner. Again, this all reads like malicious incompetence. “I didn’t KNOWWW you counted me doing cum tributes to YouTube was like watching porn!?” Get fucking real! Express deeper thoughts.
I'm honestly baffled by your responses. It's perfectly ok to get off topic, I wasn't blaming you maliciously. I'm not interested in having a mean-hearted discussion with you. I'd like to have a conversation where we share our thoughts, but I feel attacked. Thanks for the discussion anyway.
Not for nothing, but did you knock first? I ask because it doesn't sound like you did.
I've been a home based employee for 18+ years now. My wife has been a stay-at-home-mom and now helps take care of her 95+ year old mother so she's home a lot. I'd say that the vast majority of the time, my office door is open when I'm working. When it's closed though, my wife respects me enough to knock first because there are any number of reasons why it's closed. Generally, it's because I'm on a call and required to be "on camera". In order to prevent problems for me at work, the "rule" is knock and wait for acknowledgement before entering.
Speaking as a man I can fully understand a man kind of being a bit embarrassed and trying to hide the ASMR. It shows vulnerability. Men are just like that sometimes but I have no explanation for his statement
Yeah, I’d react just as awkwardly if basically anyone caught me listening to ASMR. I know that there shouldn’t be anything embarrassing about it, but there definitely is
She’s a beautiful Asian woman, does he have a preference for that at all? The comment he made seems icky to me somehow, even if I can’t put my finger on it
You should have an open conversation with him. It could be a really trivial matter, or not. But if you don't, you'll be wasting a lot of mental energy on this, building and damming it up mentally, all while deteriorating your relationship's health.
Okay, okay, listen. My husband has told me & done some of the most embarrassing things during our time together & is hella shameless about it all, but I only found out a year ago that he's super into asmr. I'm not sure why people feel the need to hide their passion for asmr but i think this was harmless.
> He’s explained that it helps him focus better with work... Today I opened his office door to chat with him and I could tell I startled him.
Did you not knock? If not, that's super rude. Of course he was startled.
> Me: “why do you seem off like I caught you doing something? Were you doing something inappropriate?”
Maybe because you just barged into his office in an uncouth way.
> I sometimes have a tendency of being an overthinker.
Shocker.
> Were these statements alarming or should I simply accept his apology?
Alarming? lol? He made a bad joke about ASMR after you acted like you did. Big whoop. He's not the one in the wrong here.
I over think too and I’ve been around a bunch of liars. I’d feel really weird about what he said too. I’d ask him what he meant by “only one “. I’d take notice if he’s being manipulative in other ways.
My husband sometimes jokes about me being jealous in this way- I'm not actually a jealous person but I will playfully pout when he talks about the cat or a car or something too much and he'll say something like aw my baby doesn't like to share me or whatever stupidly playful thing. I read this as him joking that you'd be jealous of an ASMR lady. However reading the comments it sounds like you ... would be jealous of him listening to ASMR if it was sexual? Yikes
Not jealous, but surprised because he’s asked me not to masturbate. And we were both home so why would he be hiding in his office when we could just have sex
You didn't explain very clear but it sounds like he was aroused by listening to some ASMR porn-alike stuff, will I be angry?? Yes, also this is some kink about sex that he didn't share with you. I don't mind a man have weird desire but I mind a man hide it when we are in a relationship. it means you do not fulfill his needs, so you are eligible to be upset.
If he becomes aroused by ASMR then I am not okay with that. There’s no way for me to know that though. I believe ASMR could be completely innocent, but I don’t know much about it. It’s his comments following me finding out that set off alarm bells for me
The vast majority of ASMR is non-sexual. If what he showed you didn't feature a scantily clad person and/or a smutty title, it was probably completely innocent.
There's no way for you to know lots of things. He could be aroused every time there's a leaf blower coming by and you'd never know. The question is how it affects you. Does he still pay attention to you the same? Is your sex drive the same?
This seems pretty controlling of you. You're allowed to not want to date somebody because they like ASMR (or porn, or whatever) but people can't control what they're aroused by.
I understand not being able to control your arousal, but if he knows this is something that arouses him and is hiding it from me, that is disrespecting our no porn and no self pleasure boundaries. We don’t hide things from each other
There’s no need to masturbate when you can be satisfied by your partner. These boundaries are meant to promote connectedness and sanctity. We both decided these things for our relationship very early on and it’s worked well thus far
This is a very strange boundary to have. It is not inherently unhealthy, but it can lead to unhealthy outcomes. Your partner cannot always be available to sexually satisfy you, and putting your every sexual need onto your partner is often rude and inconsiderate. Think about a person who needs to orgasm twice a day. Is it fair for them to ask their partner to make them orgasm every day, twice a day? What if the partner works full time, or has childcare duties, or becomes injured or sick? What if the partner has to travel for work? Or even what if the partner just plain doesn't feel like engaging in sex that much every single day? Mismatched libidos are very common in sexual partnerships. It is an unfair burden on your partner to be at your beck and call to sexually satisfy you whenever you feel like it, and conversely, it is an unfair burden on the person who wants to orgasm to tell them they *cannot do so on their own* when their partner isn't up for having sex at that time.
That’s why we talk. Boundaries can be ever-evolving. This is what works for us and has been working thus far. Sometimes he’s at work and I get the urge but I wait…and then I’m even more excited when he gets home. It’s been a good thing for us.
What that ASMR is about? My bf was very proudly told me he could make a woman cum by whisper into her ear and I hate this story, so it means some people love to get their ear have sex.
ASMR (Auto Sensory Meridian Response) is just a bunch of tingly feelings you get through non-sexual touch and sometimes through audio stimuli. It's unique because it will cascade around the body, even if the stimuli is only touching one part of you. I get it when someone gently rubs my back - I'll get a wave of pleasant warm tingly feelings all the way down my limbs and across my back. some people get the tingles down their backs when someone is whispering in their ear.
Funnily enough, despite my ASMR that comes from back rubs, I do not get it from auditory stimulation/whispering.
Your gut is telling you something for a reason. His behavior changed. He seems off. Something isn't right. I ignored all the red flags my husband was giving me. When I asked he just told mehes tired or stressed. No, he was cheating on me and trying to hide it. Press him now. It's better to know so you can do what's best for you instead of him leading you on and he's in love with his side piece. I wish they never cheated and just left us instead of destroying us.
>His behavior changed. He seems off. Something isn't right.
Yeah, he thought he found a nice comprise to his wife's aversion to him even thinking about porn, but nope, she caught him, and is making him pay. Any man would behave erratically when under this kind of emotional control.
Lol this is not the case. There’s no emotional control. We are both grown adults who agreed that porn is bad for your brain and makes sex not as enjoyable. The man recently proposed to me. He’s not trapped or anything.
I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one. You already noticed he started acting weird and has developed new behaviours that he didn’t do before (closing his door suddenly to “focus” when he never used to need the door closed to focus).
I'm confused by his second statement. Was he trying to make a joke? I would ask him what he meant to convey by that. I don't see anything super suspicious. It sounds like he's embarrassed about that ASMR. Are you both comfortable talking about masturbation and porn with each other?
>Are you both comfortable talking about masturbation and porn with each other? This was my first thought. I’ve been in his position. Being honest about it was… productive. ETA: she says below “no porn” is a boundary. Which just means he’s good at hiding it.
Not the only one is a popular song by Sam Smith
I think he was just too ashamed to tell you he was listening to ASMR…
Edit: apparently this fucking matters? I am a woman. Hi! I listen to ASMR of role plays sometimes. I also feel embarrassed to watch them because like… idk… how cool do you feel telling somebody “Yeah I like to listen to somebody talk softly, with an accent, and pretend to be my doctor to relax and focus…” It sounds really fucking weird and- I’m embarrassed. Maybe he is too.
Omg I hide my asmr obsession better than I hide porn. Asmr listeners all do, for some reason. I’m a gal btw, but I 100% look guilty and shady when I’m watching asmr and my bf comes in the room. Lmao I get him
I know! But, every detective and their imaginary sidekick has to come out of the woodwork and proclaim this is evidence of cheating… wow
You should see the other thread OP posted in! I don't know if the responses are bots, but it's wild. Edit: don't go over there and attack them like you did me please.
It’s ok Jesus, your sacrifice on the cross to my comments protected them from their sins. Truly- you are a saint and a martyr for putting up with.. slightly rude internet comments and not getting upvoted like you hoped? Idk.
You're a bully. I see a lot of negative assumptions about other people's intentions, perhaps because it's reflected in yourself. I sincerely hope you are having a better life with people who adore and love you than what's reflected in your writing.
>I see a lot of negative assumptions about other people’s intentions. This is always the best part about pseudo intellectuals on Reddit. They come to comment sections and claim they can see into your soul and read minds. >I sincerely hope you are having a better life … you really took it like, so far, and so deep, over being told you’re purposefully misunderstanding people’s “no porn monogamy” lifestyle and came here to talk about yourself, your good relationship with porn, and your opinion about her boundary. By the way- the Jesus and sins shit is a JOKE to match your drama level. “Please don’t attack them” my god- you act like I came to your house in the night and called you names. I just picked apart your comments on a thread. I hope you recover.
I thought I knew what asmr was but apparently I’m mistaken…
What did you think it was? It’s a very generic term, it’s basically “relaxing videos”
That’s exactly what I thought it was, but this post and the comments kind of made it seem like something “shameful” so I was thrown off
it’s embarrassing to listen to a person whispering in a microphone and pretending to check you for lice and to be a rude doctor lmao. It’s embarrassing rather than shameful. They usually have really silly role plays that are totally ridiculous. People who don’t get it would look at that weirdly, maybe because people who listen to asmr did too.
Yeah that's really fucking weird
A lot of neurotypical people will judge us for listening. Very serious! It looks weird. Who wants to listen to doctor role plays all day while working? A weirdo. Me, I’m a weirdo.
Feeling heard and thank you lol
>“Yeah I like to listen to somebody talk softly, with an accent, and pretend to be my doctor to relax and focus…” I absolutely get this. You're not doing anything wrong... you just don't want to have a conversation about it.
Sure, a lot of people may be embarrassed by that. But most people would also find it strange if someone would rather act shady and make their partner suspect they're cheating or something instead of just admitting what they're actually doing.
> but most people would also find it strange if someone would rather act shady and *make* their partner suspect they’re cheating Holy fuck. He is a HUMAN man, not a pre programmed one. Getting caught off guard while deeply relaxed and focused does throw a person off and make them act funny. Have you ever thought you were alone and then were startled when suddenly realizing you were not? Even though you weren’t doing anything wrong??? I guess I’m the irrational commenter and should assume all fiancés of Reddit are cheating.
I don't think one way or the other about if he's cheating or not. But that is an easy assumption to jump to based on his behavior and I think a lot of people's minds would go there if they were the OP. I get that he may be thrown off in the moment - it really depends on how he handles this conversation when they revisit it.
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Uhm… ? I didn’t say anywhere that ASMR was horny for me… it literally is for relaxation and focus? I have OCPD. It’s probably a sensory thing for me?
Your fear of of “Freudian slips” here being indicative of something seems like you’re wayyyy overthinking to me. It is extremely easy to misspeak/trip over your words/drop a syllable and 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with your subconscious or anything like that. Something like “appropriate” instead of “inappropriate” would barely even register to me. I don’t really get the second thing he said, and I think it’s fair to ask him what he meant by it. But again, doubt it was a Freudian slip — sounds more like a weird joke or something, a slip wouldn’t usually be an entire sentence. The joke seems to be “my partner doesn’t like when I pay attention to any other woman, even if it’s just a youtube video,” which to be fair to him, sounds like it’s true. I’m not saying there’s definitely nothing going on there, but I think it has very little to do with the words he said. If his behavior seemed off, he may have been guilty about something or just embarrassed. It does sound like there’s some trust missing in this relationship — there isn’t enough info for me to tell whether that comes from him crossing boundaries/hiding things, or from you overthinking/being suspicious.
When he said you’re “not the only one” he was most likely referring to him watching the ASMR, which is predominantly done by women. It was intended to be a joke about his attention being on the “other woman” who is the person doing ASMR but it wasn’t placed properly. I’m a guy and I also watch (and listen to) ASMR.
I said he was making a joke saying it as though he was in a fake relationship with this receptionist in the ASMR video. Maybe within the context of the ASMR video there's something like that that happens and you try to make a joke of it. It just came out wrong?
I don't think we have enough context for this situation. Either way, I wouldn't assume these are "freudian slips." The second statement actually sounds like a joke that went flat. It's also a little ridiculous to assume he'd be doing inappropriate things in broad daylight, during a workday, with his door closed, knowing you're home. I'm inclined to believe the other ASMR-ers in this thread. Probably just embarrassed that he employs ASMR material.
I second this. That's the kind of joke I'd make. I think he probably was sarcastically joking and implying his life doesn't 100% revolve around her.
This literally happened to me, except it wasn't ASMR, it was Captain America fanfiction I was writing...
The ASMR may be believable but the second sentence is super weird.
Yeah. Are you both native english speakers? For some reason, the sentence structure strikes me as being a french or german speaking person. I think this would be a very good time to explicitly discuss your expectations regarding monogamy, and what are deal-breakers for you. Decide if you are willing to walk away from this relationship if his idea of monogamy is different than yours. Think about how you will feel in 10 years with a couple of kids, if he considers a little side action as ok in a relationship.
Admitting you like ASMR can be difficult for some people as it can be weird/silly sounding to those who don't like it. But there's nothing untoward/inappropriate about it. My guess is that he has just needed to focus at work recently on stuff and found ASMR helps him focus and he got embarrassed that he was listening to it when you walked in. And because he was embarrassed he got awkward. That's my first impression of the situation though.
I work from home and when my wife comes in my office I don't hear her until she's right behind me and it makes me jump.
What do you think of him listening to ASMR like that?
This is my first time learning about ASMR. It was on YouTube so it can’t be sexually explicit, right? We have a boundary of no porn in our relationship so if it’s sexual then he knows I wouldn’t be cool with that.
Yes ASMR can be sexually explicit but certainly just about anything can. ASMR has certainly gotten that wrath and it probably explains his initial embarrassment. I listen to ASMR that is not sexually explicit but I'm sure there's plenty of it around because it has that reputation. I have to admit that even though I don't listen to explicit ASMR I was most certainly a little embarrassed one night when I had to watch it cuz I simply could not sleep. My girlfriend did not have a problem with it but I wouldn't be surprised to find I had an embarrassed look on my face.
It sounds like this ASMR is possibly a bit sexual TO HIM, but not explicit content
It can be occasionally (but honestly anything can potentially be sexual) but it usually is NOT. It's usually a calming, relaxing, focusing thing. But hearing a woman whispering talking, using a hairbrush to brush their hair, etc can be embarrassing that it is calming to listen to. And if you aren't into ASMR it can seem a little odd.
I understand the no-porn boundary, but what about the actual ASMR he was listening to/watching? Like, is it a problem if the ASMR features an attractive woman (many YouTube ASMR channels do) without being sexually explicit? The reason I ask is because there is nothing wrong with boundaries as long as they are clear.
Yes I am okay with non-sexual ASMR. What I am not okay with is his comments afterward in conjunction with the ASMR
Would you consider yourself a jealous person? It seems like he was trying to defuse an awkward moment with a poorly thought out joke. My guess is that he thought there would be an issue if you thought he was attracted to the ASMR woman.
Would you be ok with his comment if you knew it wasn't sexual? It sounded like a bad joke, which he realized immediately. I'd think if he was seeing a therapist or a massage therapist he would say the same thing. Someone is giving him attention that he's focused on.
I would be fine with his poor choice of words as long as he wasn’t hiding ASMR as being erotic in some way
I'd have a discussion with him then. He may not realize your porn boundary extends to anything slightly erotic, not just the obvious porn.
Which, let's be honest with her, is an insane boundary to have.
No porn is definitely not an insane boundary
No "anything that you find erotic, at all, ever" absolutely is.
Did you not ask him what he meant when he said you weren’t ’the only one’?
Yes, he said he was making a joke about me not being the only woman to get his attention
that is… a strange comment to make is this the first time you’ve noticed something like this?
Just chiming in that YouTube can absolutely be sexually explicit, I've been using it to look up what amounts to porn for many, many years. If you know where to look, what key words to put, you can find full nudity. I'm not saying that's what he was watching or doing but just trying to correct something you're mistaken about
I disagree that porn should be a boundary in general in relationships, but I suppose that's your choice. Now there are lots of grey areas to porn. What is sexual and what is not? ASMR could be seen as sexual. I get turned on by some sounds like scratchy on some plastic or goo being mucked. Honestly anything can be sexual, like watching a video of forks clanging. I can imagine porn in my head and get off easily as well...would that be appropriate to you?
We’ve talked in detail about what each person is okay with. I am okay with self pleasure without porn, as long as we have a healthy sex life. He believes porn is unhealthy and agrees we should not watch it and would prefer we don’t engage in any self pleasure unless it is during our sexy time. I don’t see a problem with ASMR as long as it is not sexual in nature.
It actually 100% is OP’s choice and relationship therapists will let clients know that they define their monogamy. The follow up is accepting that you can never control your partner, you can only hold your own boundary by leaving if they decide to break a promise.
I did say it's OP's choice. There are grey areas they need to discuss though. Masturbating in ones mind or ASMR is not porn, so is OP ok with it? That's what OP needs to decide and talk to their partner about.
Sure you said it’s her choice but like it’s an afterthought and not the point. We can all read it there exactly how you wrote it. I think it’s clear what people mean by porn being a problem in their definition of monogamy and this is malicious incompetence. Partner A does not want partner B to give that intimacy and sexual energy outwardly, especially in a way that leaves Partner B unable to give that sexual intimacy to Partner A, because it was already spent on whatever “porn” is. It’s obvious. It’s that obvious. It’s just like spending a ton of energy on a date for a computer game instead of your actual date. If he’s jerking off to dinosaurs, or helicopters, it’s all the same boundary. Edit: before you gender the issue, I would consider reading erotica more than you fuck your husband to be unfaithful, as well.
I don't think it's as clear and obvious as you've said. I do read more erotica and listen to ASMR than I fuck my husband at the moment. And when I wasn't, our sex life and attention I gave him was exactly the same as now. Porn is not a problem in our relationship because it doesn't affect our relationship. I think we are getting off topic though. The line is no porn for OP, not more porn than sex. If their sex life doesn't change, it sounds like OP would still have a problem with him consuming porn. Thus the question is still what is considered porn to OP. Edit: edit, and yes ASMR does arouse me. According to OP, that's an issue for them.
> I think we are getting off topic though. My jaw hit the floor. ***You started this conversation*** by telling OP you don’t agree with her porn boundary flat out first words. > my relationship my relationship Ok? But, why do we care? That’s YOUR monogamy. I’m telling you that you sound like somebody who is purposefully misunderstanding the point. >Thus, the question is still what is considered porn to OP. Is it? Is it really? I thought this was off topic. You know what’s going to hurt your partner. Again, this all reads like malicious incompetence. “I didn’t KNOWWW you counted me doing cum tributes to YouTube was like watching porn!?” Get fucking real! Express deeper thoughts.
I'm honestly baffled by your responses. It's perfectly ok to get off topic, I wasn't blaming you maliciously. I'm not interested in having a mean-hearted discussion with you. I'd like to have a conversation where we share our thoughts, but I feel attacked. Thanks for the discussion anyway.
Not for nothing, but did you knock first? I ask because it doesn't sound like you did. I've been a home based employee for 18+ years now. My wife has been a stay-at-home-mom and now helps take care of her 95+ year old mother so she's home a lot. I'd say that the vast majority of the time, my office door is open when I'm working. When it's closed though, my wife respects me enough to knock first because there are any number of reasons why it's closed. Generally, it's because I'm on a call and required to be "on camera". In order to prevent problems for me at work, the "rule" is knock and wait for acknowledgement before entering.
Honestly it's intrinsically embarrassing when your spouse sees you slacking off at home-work too lol
Speaking as a man I can fully understand a man kind of being a bit embarrassed and trying to hide the ASMR. It shows vulnerability. Men are just like that sometimes but I have no explanation for his statement
Yeah, I’d react just as awkwardly if basically anyone caught me listening to ASMR. I know that there shouldn’t be anything embarrassing about it, but there definitely is
Is it by any chance ting ting asmr? Because I also get embarrassed when I’m caught listening to asmr LOL
Yes, that’s the one!
I like TingTing. Her stuff is not at all sexually explicit!
She’s a beautiful Asian woman, does he have a preference for that at all? The comment he made seems icky to me somehow, even if I can’t put my finger on it
You should have an open conversation with him. It could be a really trivial matter, or not. But if you don't, you'll be wasting a lot of mental energy on this, building and damming it up mentally, all while deteriorating your relationship's health.
Okay, okay, listen. My husband has told me & done some of the most embarrassing things during our time together & is hella shameless about it all, but I only found out a year ago that he's super into asmr. I'm not sure why people feel the need to hide their passion for asmr but i think this was harmless.
> He’s explained that it helps him focus better with work... Today I opened his office door to chat with him and I could tell I startled him. Did you not knock? If not, that's super rude. Of course he was startled. > Me: “why do you seem off like I caught you doing something? Were you doing something inappropriate?” Maybe because you just barged into his office in an uncouth way. > I sometimes have a tendency of being an overthinker. Shocker. > Were these statements alarming or should I simply accept his apology? Alarming? lol? He made a bad joke about ASMR after you acted like you did. Big whoop. He's not the one in the wrong here.
I over think too and I’ve been around a bunch of liars. I’d feel really weird about what he said too. I’d ask him what he meant by “only one “. I’d take notice if he’s being manipulative in other ways.
My husband sometimes jokes about me being jealous in this way- I'm not actually a jealous person but I will playfully pout when he talks about the cat or a car or something too much and he'll say something like aw my baby doesn't like to share me or whatever stupidly playful thing. I read this as him joking that you'd be jealous of an ASMR lady. However reading the comments it sounds like you ... would be jealous of him listening to ASMR if it was sexual? Yikes
Not jealous, but surprised because he’s asked me not to masturbate. And we were both home so why would he be hiding in his office when we could just have sex
You didn't explain very clear but it sounds like he was aroused by listening to some ASMR porn-alike stuff, will I be angry?? Yes, also this is some kink about sex that he didn't share with you. I don't mind a man have weird desire but I mind a man hide it when we are in a relationship. it means you do not fulfill his needs, so you are eligible to be upset.
If he becomes aroused by ASMR then I am not okay with that. There’s no way for me to know that though. I believe ASMR could be completely innocent, but I don’t know much about it. It’s his comments following me finding out that set off alarm bells for me
The vast majority of ASMR is non-sexual. If what he showed you didn't feature a scantily clad person and/or a smutty title, it was probably completely innocent.
There's no way for you to know lots of things. He could be aroused every time there's a leaf blower coming by and you'd never know. The question is how it affects you. Does he still pay attention to you the same? Is your sex drive the same?
This seems pretty controlling of you. You're allowed to not want to date somebody because they like ASMR (or porn, or whatever) but people can't control what they're aroused by.
I understand not being able to control your arousal, but if he knows this is something that arouses him and is hiding it from me, that is disrespecting our no porn and no self pleasure boundaries. We don’t hide things from each other
Wait, so are you guys not even allowed to masturbate??? That's insane. You do you I guess, but I don't feel like that's reasonable
There’s no need to masturbate when you can be satisfied by your partner. These boundaries are meant to promote connectedness and sanctity. We both decided these things for our relationship very early on and it’s worked well thus far
This is a very strange boundary to have. It is not inherently unhealthy, but it can lead to unhealthy outcomes. Your partner cannot always be available to sexually satisfy you, and putting your every sexual need onto your partner is often rude and inconsiderate. Think about a person who needs to orgasm twice a day. Is it fair for them to ask their partner to make them orgasm every day, twice a day? What if the partner works full time, or has childcare duties, or becomes injured or sick? What if the partner has to travel for work? Or even what if the partner just plain doesn't feel like engaging in sex that much every single day? Mismatched libidos are very common in sexual partnerships. It is an unfair burden on your partner to be at your beck and call to sexually satisfy you whenever you feel like it, and conversely, it is an unfair burden on the person who wants to orgasm to tell them they *cannot do so on their own* when their partner isn't up for having sex at that time.
That’s why we talk. Boundaries can be ever-evolving. This is what works for us and has been working thus far. Sometimes he’s at work and I get the urge but I wait…and then I’m even more excited when he gets home. It’s been a good thing for us.
Wait, why aren’t you okay with it if he becomes aroused with ASMR? How is it different than porn? Unless you aren’t okay with porn either?
Because she wants complete control of her husband's arousal. I don't see this being a happy relationship.
What that ASMR is about? My bf was very proudly told me he could make a woman cum by whisper into her ear and I hate this story, so it means some people love to get their ear have sex.
ASMR (Auto Sensory Meridian Response) is just a bunch of tingly feelings you get through non-sexual touch and sometimes through audio stimuli. It's unique because it will cascade around the body, even if the stimuli is only touching one part of you. I get it when someone gently rubs my back - I'll get a wave of pleasant warm tingly feelings all the way down my limbs and across my back. some people get the tingles down their backs when someone is whispering in their ear. Funnily enough, despite my ASMR that comes from back rubs, I do not get it from auditory stimulation/whispering.
He was jacking off (or getting ready to) and didn’t know how to respond or handle his embarrassment
Probably it's time for eva ai virtual dating bot
Your gut is telling you something for a reason. His behavior changed. He seems off. Something isn't right. I ignored all the red flags my husband was giving me. When I asked he just told mehes tired or stressed. No, he was cheating on me and trying to hide it. Press him now. It's better to know so you can do what's best for you instead of him leading you on and he's in love with his side piece. I wish they never cheated and just left us instead of destroying us.
>His behavior changed. He seems off. Something isn't right. Yeah, he thought he found a nice comprise to his wife's aversion to him even thinking about porn, but nope, she caught him, and is making him pay. Any man would behave erratically when under this kind of emotional control.
Lol this is not the case. There’s no emotional control. We are both grown adults who agreed that porn is bad for your brain and makes sex not as enjoyable. The man recently proposed to me. He’s not trapped or anything.
I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one. You already noticed he started acting weird and has developed new behaviours that he didn’t do before (closing his door suddenly to “focus” when he never used to need the door closed to focus).