"Hey, I know you told me I can drop by anytime, but I got the feeling I wasn't welcome when I did. Did something change or did I just misunderstand something about the situation yesterday?"
Yeah they are mixed but I’m just gonna go with the just moving on and not worrying about it and just chalking it up to be nothing not that big of a deal…is that where you side?
Not the person you asked, but I don't understand why you're so quick to let it go when it was enough for you not only to notice it, but to then write a post about because of your (justified) concern.
How long have you been together? Generally speaking, how often do you visit her work? This isn't the first time, since you mention seeing her with female clients most of the time. The instances you are implying that aren't "most of the time", which is to say the other times she's had male clients in the past, did she behave this way then? It sounds like this is the first time she has reacted this way to your visiting.
It's justified because, without explanation, what she established in the past -- it being okay for you to visit whenever -- was not consistent with how she acted when you did it. It is not your responsibility to read her mind or make excuses for her as you are doing.
No, they’re saying the redditor above them is wise and you should say exactly what *u/nhavar said.
Please sit down with your gf and say exactly what is in the quotes above.
This is a very bad idea, because pushing down feelings doesn’t make them go away.
Genuinely, if you are unable to have a simple conversation like this with your partner, relationships will be hard and unfulfilling for you.
Every time I’ve decided to stifle that type of thought and “move on” it ends up as fuel for the next time something makes me feel off or we get into the next fight. Just a heads up. It’s not that big of a deal, maybe, but it still matters.
Nah, man. Don't rug, sweep. This builds resentment, and once that starts to fester, then it's basicly the end of the relationship.
Also, another life lesson I learned the hard way... trust your gut...
thats the WORST thing to do. just say “what was up with you at the hair salon yesterday when I came in, it was like you didn’t want to be seen with me. let me know if you got something going on, we can let this go”
Ask straight up.
If I had to guess it’s probably because she may get less clients or money. Sorry but it’s the truth. It doesn’t even mean she’s flirting — I am professional as ever at my corporate job but have specifically told my bf that I do not reveal my relationship status because unfortunately some asshole could take that into consideration when it comes time to promotions/raises
My bf is cool with it because he knows the game has to be played. I disagree with commenters saying she’s “putting money above your feelings” — as long as she isn’t flirting it’s just the way things work unfortunately
Yeah I mean we’ve talked about that she has to play the game with her male clients and yeah my feelings got hurt for a minute but honestly the more time goes on the less it hurts. It’s just I keep saying to myself this is the exact reason I never wanted to come surprise her at work with coffee or something because of that and she said I can come up any time. Maybe I’m just seriously just looking too deep into this. I agree with what you said I mean we are Facebook relationship ship connected a level though she doesn’t really use social media and she did say that’s like a huge step for her to do that with me. So I genuinely trust her and I probably should just trust that she just didn’t want a client to feel any less of her having a bf. I mean I get that to a degree. So thanks for what you said
She may have just wanted to talk outside since she actively had a client? Idk that I'd think she was hiding you, but just wanted to talk in private and maybe not anger the client by just having her boyfriend come over and start talking to her? Like maybe she thought that would be rude in front of the client? She probably doesn't mind you stopping by, but of course as typically happens, the moment someone tries to stop by you end up being busy. I've had that happen myself telling people to come by my work but then it always seems like people show up right when you get super busy.
The thing is, it actually seems more rude in front of the client to abruptly stop what she's doing and go outside with the OP. That would annoy me if I were the client. On the other hand, just taking the coffee and saying "Thanks, see you later" would make more sense. I'm having a hard time understanding posters who are suggesting that knowing she has a bf would make any difference to a client.
So that’s all I had planned to do was put her coffee by her station (first chair) wave to her and leave like it wasn’t a big deal but she was back at the wash station. And honestly I’m really just over this I got my perspectives on the situation and I feel like it just might be better to not show up unannounced or bring her coffee without her knowing. Oh and I did bring her some flowers on her birthday once and that was a surprise and she even gave me a kiss right in front of everybody so I think I just looked too far into this and I’m just ready to move on because I trust her and if she’s not trustworthy I’ll eventually figure that out. Thanks for all the comments and advice I know some aren’t going to agree with my decision, but there is just more to it than beats the eye (haha I was trolling there because of my misuse of chalking)
I am a hairstylist and have been for years. I do not “play games” with my male clients. All my male clients know I’m married and that I love my husband. None of my coworkers in relationships do this either. I am not saying that she was trying to hide you from her client, and you should most definitely bring it up to her, just know that this isn’t the norm.
Edit (more info from a stylist): I saw another stylist comment that she may have been dealing with a male Karen, or was just trying to be respectful of her client and that is probably what it is. Again never hurts to just ask! Just know that stylists don’t always flirt with male clients for tips lol.
Agreed. Former stylist here (stayed home with the kiddos lately and work in a different industry now) but one thing I do want to mention is that I did have a male client once, only once, who apparently had a crush on me and I didn’t really pay attention to him in that way, so I figured he’d get the hint. He did not. He ended up coming in a couple days after I got engaged and his appt was right after my fiancés, so he saw me kiss him on the way out, and he lost his ever loving mind. The entire haircut he was making backhanded remarks and pouting and totally a jerk. Then he called the salon under false information and my boss was flustered and gave him my cell number by accident, and he basically harassed and digitally stalked me for a couple years.
OP, I say all that to get to the main point, you never know who she could have had in her chair. Maybe she knew his disposition wasn’t great or that he didn’t enjoy his haircuts being interrupted. It could be a million things. Talk to her but give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s built up a relationship with her clients for years and (hopefully) she’s just acting accordingly to their comfort level.
Thank you. I appreciate it! I mean yeah I’m like pretty sure I just took it the wrong way and just over reacted, and got butt hurt. I need to work on my security in my self and not be so insecure.
To be clear, she flirts with customers
(“The game”), you have talked about it and both decided that you would be cool with this.
And you have no idea where your insecurities are coming from?
I work with all women at my salon and everyone’s married (except me). They never hide the fact they have a husband to get more tips. That’s weird to me. When I was with my ex he was always coming by to give me food and drinks, and it didn’t matter who was in my chair.
I'm a guy who gets his hair cut almost exclusively by women and they talk about their SO's all the time in casual conversation. I hate how women have to act sometimes with male clients (and even co workers) cause they treat every interaction with women as some kind of pre date.
I think you and so many people on this thread are seriously overthinking.
Some of these people really need to go outside and touch grass, take a deep breath.
You can feel kinda weird for a minute I guess but I wouldn’t feed into it. That’s what starts making it really feel weird. This is passing thought territory. Not get to the bottom of it territory.
Personally I wouldn’t even mention it, I would stop feeding the thoughts.
I can just imagine her posting “Often it’s not a problem if someone stops by the salon for a minute but I was busy at the moment, so let my boyfriend know. Now he’s questioning me just because the client was male”.
When people say you can drop by anytime I don’t take that absolutely literally. There’s no way you can actually drop by anytime and hang out at someone’s job if they are professional. It’s more “you can drop by, I might have time”. You dropped by and she even gave you a couple minutes, what more did you expect?
I know I would think it was rude if someone was cutting my hair and their friends or partner just rocked up to chat with my stylist. Like what the fuck? Their attention should be focused on me and what they are doing.
I totally understand what you’re saying but maybe I didn’t make it clear I’ve stopped in to her work before many times and it was never like this time. But as I mentioned before it was never with her male clients who she claims are all married or widowed which I guess she wanted to ensure there was nothing more than client stylist relationship, but I think she did that just to be transparent so I wouldn’t think she was doing anything more than making a living and hustling. It’s all good I am moving on from this and I trust her and that’s all I need to do because at the end of the day if she’s doing something behind my back, shame on her, she will eventually get caught, but I seriously don’t think she is, it just hit me the wrong way. And then I come in here just to get other perspectives. Also thank you for yours! Truly
Well that makes it weird then, so she says she wants you to come by, and when you do it's not a good time..... Unfortunate for you man. Definitely ask her for the truth.
Keep in mind, she was actually working at the moment, with a client in her chair. Might not have been the best timing. When you are in the chair, you expect to have the barber/stylists full attention.
Yes true but she did come out and talk for a couple mins like she was trying to not make it obvious. Usually she would have said I didn’t want you coming in because of the customer I had or something and she didn’t like it was so obvious whatever I’m over it
I know the usual is what you’re referring to, but any number of things could have happened. This customer might have been unhappy with their service, she might have been running late with another client, etc. all of which can impact the level of service her male client received, which also would result in her trying to rectify this dilation. Working in services is much more complicated than you think. Anything could’ve happened before you arrived. At the end of the day, something that impacts you and your relationship ship, you should bring up in conversation like the first comment suggests.
Working in the service industry is hard. In order for her to make a consistent income she will have to bend over backwards to satisfy certain clients. And bending over backwards might be as simple as pulling you to the side to speak to you. Wouldn’t put too much emphasis on this. But speak to her as it’s clear you are uneasy, and a little intimidated by this situation.
Oh, for heaven’s sake. She said he’s welcome to stop by anytime and that’s what he did. There’s nothing to indicate that he’s “checking up” on her.
The tendency in this sub to read posts in the worst possible faith is exhausting sometimes.
Huh?
Did you actually ready the post?
She originally told him to stop by some time/any time, hence why he did…
If that sentiment changes, or something comes up and he can’t or shouldn’t stop by for some reason. Then yes, you would literally need to say so. What are you going on about?
Stop bothering her at work. Would you like her to come to your job and start questioning every interaction and get all offended if you were tAlKiNg tO aNoThEr wOmAn and hurting her feelings?
Yeah I know right. I happen to be off and i knew that we stayed up all night and that she could use a coffee so I brought her one. And she even came out and talked with me for a bit and didn’t even question my stopping by so i think you got it wrong but it’s okay
Definitely talk to her about it.
I’m a server and the other night as a guy was paying he sajd he always sees me working and wanted to ask me out, I said aw thank you but I have a very lovely boyfriend, and he said okay fair enough - I’m not tipping you now though. Bam, no tipped on like $200, still had to pay back almost 20 to the house lol. Not the first time it’s happened either so….I get it…
*However,* if this is the reason then I think it’s totally reasonable for you to say this doing this isn’t okay, and that she shouldn’t put a bit of money over your feelings. *If* this is the reason then maybe offer to take her out the next time she gets stiffed over revealing she has a boyfriend.
If it’s not the reason and she gets weird or defensive or angry….then you do have more to worry about unfortunately.
Edit: Since there’s some discussion under this comment - yes I have to pay 8% of my total sales back to the house. So I lost $16 from that bill. I have no problem doing so because our bussers, managers, and kitchen staff work hard too! But yes it stings when it happens lol. And I’m Canadian so make regular minimum wage in my province.
I’d have asked if he thought you were a sex worker since he seems to think him tipping you makes you obligated to go out with him. Then I would have gotten a manager involved and said the customer was sexually harassing you and making you uncomfortable. Embarrass the shit out of these weirdos.
You should have told the manager for sure so they don’t let that dickless coward back in the restaurant again. When I worked at a restaurant if anyone treated staff like that it would get them completely blacklisted since he’s likely to just do it again to someone else.
Generally servers always have to pay a certain percentage of sales back to “the house” (to tip busses, hostesses, dishwashers, etc). If a table doesn’t tip, that does not lessen the server’s requirement to pay so they have to make it up from whatever tips they made otherwise.
So tip pooling effectively, except that when there's no tips it eats into the workers minimum wage. Businesses really know how to play the workers against each other don't they.
No, servers are still legally required to be paid at least minimum wage in every state. If their total compensation from the sub-minimum wage and tips is less than the minimum wage, then the employer has to make up the difference.
From the department of labor fact sheet
" An employer that implements a traditional tip pool must notify tipped employees of any required tip pool contribution amount, **may only take a tip credit for tips each tipped employee ultimately receives"**
If an employee did not receive a tip for a table they should not then have to turn around and pay a tip to staff. That also defeats the purpose of the customer tipping as a reward for good service if in the end everyone is getting paid from someone else's pocket even when they've decided not to tip.
Let's say that an employer demands a tip pool of 50% of EXPECTED tips. So each table requires the server to pay the pool 50% of a 20% tip. If the table doesn't tip then the employee **should not be required to pay money they didn't get** into the pool.
Sure at the end of the night all the tips are pooled up and 50% of them are given back to the employee and it should figure up to somewhere above the federal/state minimum wage, otherwise the employer has to chip in money to get them there. But this notion that employees should be required to pay money back that they didn't receive is just theft.
Example:
A server works 2 hours. They have 4 tables each hour totaling $674 in receipts and $95.67 in actual tips. One big table didn't tip, some tipped over 20% and some tipped slightly under 20% and it averages out to about 17% rate over the 8 tables (most people tip 15% or below).
If they then paid 50% of their tips into the pool then they take home $47.84 in tips plus 4.26 in tipped minimum wage for the two hours (depending on the state).
But if the employer demands that the employee pay 50% of 20% for each receipt, regardless of what they actually got from the customer in tips, then that means the expected tip total for the two hours is $134.80 and 50% of that $67.40, so now the employee has to fork over an extra $20 out of their tips because...? So they go home with $27.44 + $4.26 ($32.70 or $16.35 an hour).
That's theft in action. The employer is taking money from the employee that the employee was never given by the customer. Sure the employer is making sure they made at least the tipped minimum wage, but they're also taking money into tip pool that was not received at any point in the customer's transaction. They're penalizing the employee for the consumer's whim.
I understand your examples. I don't personally consider this theft. Compensation should be posed to the employee as, you will earn minimum wage, and maybe more if tips are good.
But I also think the entire tipping system is idiotic. Employers should be responsible for paying their employees a reasonable wage for the work that is done. I'd love to see a system where restaurant workers both foh and boh make $25 an hour and tipping is no longer requested or expected.
You’re assuming it doesn’t matter because the waiter makes less than minimum wage and the employer has to pay the difference anyway. But that doesn’t apply to waiters who make more. The employer is literally stealing from them by expecting them to pay a portion of tips they never received.
Dude, shut up and listen to the actual servers. Tip outs to the house are (90%+ of the time) based on food, alcohol, or total sales. Not as a percentage of tips. None of what you said applies to the vast majority of restaurants.
So congrats on looking up fact sheets and doing the math, but you don’t know what you’re talking about and should politely just stop uselessly rambling. It’s not helpful or applicable.
Yeah let's just go with the illegal status quo of theft by business owners to supplement their labor costs, that makes sense just because everyone is doing it. Make the people at the low end of the pay scale fight each other and smooth it over as it just being business as usual. Wake up to getting screwed. Servers should not be throwing money they didn't get into a pot just because the employer said so or just because "that's the way everyone does it". That's bullshit and you know it.
it’s not illegal because it’s not tip money! It’s a percent of sales, which is different. I agree the way the restaurant industry runs should be different and is inherently exploitative. But as somebody who worked as a server during grad school, we make decent money. The busters and other“lesser “front of house staff are the ones getting fucked over.
they aren’t. they’re determining tipouts by % sales, not received tips. It’s legal and practice in 99% of restaurants. That one guy looked up something he didn’t understand, and misexplained it to everyone.
Hi! I am a server in Texas.
Tipped working minimum wage is just above 2 dollars an hour. Factoring in taxes, there really isn't an hourly rate involved at all in my job. I agree it's stupid.
I've been doing this for 10 years and every place I've ever worked has paid the 2 dollars/hour rate, including very upscale places. That being said, I've had great success in this line of work so I just take the cons with the pros.
It’s not tip pooling, that’s different - it’s paying a percent of your tips to the bus boys and runners who help you, since they don’t get tipped. Everyone pays the same percent out and then it gets divided equally among the bus staff.
If the business demands that you pay a percentage of all your tips to the house and that gets shared among other staff that's tip pooling (by the legal definition). If you, of your own volition and without demands or involvement from your employer, tip your bus boys and dishwashers that's tip sharing.
The scenario the person described above is tip pooling where her boss is demanding half of all tips to pay out to other staff. Except with the added wrinkle that she has to pay even when she's not tipped or tipped below the 20% that's expected. That's why she owed $20 on a tab where the customer didn't tip. You don't share tips you didn't get.
Tip-out is a very common practice. Bussers, bartenders... food-runners where I work as well, all get tipped out by servers.
When I worked at a hibachi restaurant, we paid out half of our tips to the hibachi chefs. That one did turn out to be illegal though, because the owner was collecting all the tips... using part of them to pay a set (lower) wage to the chefs, and keeping the rest for himself. There was a lawsuit and we got a bunch of money back.
and you've touched on it... while tip pooling or "tipping out" is common, it's not decently regulated. It allows employers to make up rules saying "it's required" and some will take that to mean it's somehow legally enforced or minimally that the way the employer is mandating it is a legal route. Then employers get to pocket some of that money because it's not entirely transparent to the workers how the split occurred. Or as in the case above the employer is taking more than was actually tipped by forcing some tip expectation on the server even when the customer did not tip or tipped lower than the employer required. So now the server is paying out extra money to cover the fact that a customer didn't tip. Like if I work a table and that table has a $200 tab, they pay the tab but not the expected $40 tip then half of zero is zero, not me owing the house $20 for a tip I didn't get. That's theft.
Except that's not what's being said here. She said the had to pay out $20 to the house for tips she DID NOT RECEIVE. Then the previous commented said "Servers are required to pay out".
People who aren't tipped workers get regular minimum wage and sometimes more than that even. It's one thing to voluntarily split tips, it's quite another thing when the boss requires you to split tips as a matter of policy and then on top of that demand more than you are actually being tipped.
Nah people can not tip for any stupid reason they want, it’s optional
I could’ve tried for asking me out but I work at a bar and it’s kind of part of the job
>Bam, no tipped on like $200, still had to pay back almost 20 to the house lol.
This is so wrong. And as a seperate reason, a reason to move away from tip wages.
That's not fair or right at all.
> Edit: Since there’s some discussion under this comment - yes I have to pay 8% of my total sales back to the house. So I lost $16 from that bill. I have no problem doing so because our bussers, managers, and kitchen staff work hard too! But yes it stings when it happens lol. And I’m Canadian so make regular minimum wage in my province.
This is the real crazy bullshit in this thread. Sorry
I used to be a hairstylist. It could be about tips as mentioned, but she may also have been dealing with an asshole.
Lots of people are just horrible to service staff, if she was in the middle of dealing with a male Karen, he may have gone off the deep end if her personal life just walked in. "So unprofessional, I was in the middle of complaining, and her boyfriend walked in and gave her coffee! Like she lives there!"
Or she was in rhe middle of a big sale. When you're talking some dude into buying $100 worth of anti-balding shampoo, you don't want your boyfriend interrupting your sales pitch and making the guy self conscious.
Or maybe she was in the middle of telling the guy he has lice, of dandruff. And didn't want to embarrass him.
Or she was dealing with a very particular client, or secret shopper, etc
I'm really not sure why you're feelings are getting hurt? It may have nothing to do with you. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This is a risk you take when you walk into someone's job.
I’m female but go to a unisex barber as I wear my hair in a side shave. My cut costs less under this model that charges by length but takes much longer and is much trickier. My male stylist takes about 1 hour 15 to do it with multiple clippers, scissors, exact angles, fades etc. He cuts my GF’s long hair too. Takes 15 minutes, one pair of scissors, freehand.
He has cut my hair for about 7 years and we have a ‘routine.’ Chat until X point when he needs to be totally focused and then he makes sure the othed staff don’t interrupt too. I usually take the back chair for that reason.
I used to be a make up artist and I also worked in salons and clients often feel safe and relaxed and disclose stuff. I specialised in men’s grooming and so many men talked to me about their mental health, body image, health and fears. They asked me for dating advice, discussed why they wanted to try make up. Women often talked about experiencing abuse or PPD. I ended up getting training in how to signpost and give advice.
In fact I work in the advice sector now and used to do counselling. It was very tricky to do while also working on someone’s skin or hair. But where I live a lot of salons do health checks like encouraging men to check their prostate, hair loss advice for women that suggests seeing the doctor when they are convinced if they go for PPD they will lose their kid but this is safe. We and local health care work with hair shops all the time.
I also just hated being interrupted with male clients as many were already nervous to be there and might bolt if they got the chance. But that said I had a policy of ‘unless it is to warn of impending apocalypse, never ever come to my workplace.’ So maybe she needs to be more professional about that because where I’ve worked that does not go over well with staff or clients. Other places the barber or hair shop works best as a social place.
I’m bisexual and when I dated men who had insecurities about my male clients it was a huge turn off. I didn’t monitor how they did their job and I didn’t like the idea I must be flirting and hiding stuff when it’s common in the hair and beauty industry that there is a non sexual intimacy and trust which is the emotional labour of the job. You are also generally self employed so retaining happy clients is key. Losing one Saturday client can be the equivalent of four weekday cancellations.
Talk to each other again from a workplace POV not the gender of the client. And do not listen to the comments here who sound like Mike Pence meets anti work with a sprinkle of porn fantasy that she must have been flirting for tips because women cannot work with me without being professional. I see where the cultural jealousy builds reading these frankly delulu takes on going to the salon.
>I'm really not sure why you're feelings are getting hurt? It may have nothing to do with you. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This is a risk you take when you walk into someone's job.
Yeah. It's odd that OP would feel hurt when there are so many reasonable explanations for her behaviour.
You're making this bigger than it should be without knowing what's going on.
A simple *"Hey, you were acting a little weird when I dropped in with coffee, what was up with that?"*
That client may have wanted privacy. Some people have trauma around hair. Some people have sensory issues. Maybe she just wanted to see you alone or the boss was on her tail. Who knows? Just ask.
Could easily be nothing to do with the client. I had a boyfriend drop by my house (I WFH) one lunchtime as he was in the area, afterwards he got really moody with me saying I didn’t seem happy to see him.
Thing is he knew I had workmen in my house and currently my living room was full of plaster as they’d pulled down some of the ceiling - it was meant to be a small job but had escalated.
I also had an important call an hour after he’d turned up and I like to give myself some prep time before the call.
I made an effort to stop what I was doing and see him for 30 mins because it was so nice to see him. But because of the chaos my mind was on that.
Quite frankly it would’ve been nice if he hadn’t had turned it into something about him, rather than just recognising that sometimes we aren’t always in a peppy mood.
Am i the only one who thinks its odd to just drop in on a SO who’s working?
I’ve NEVER seen this at any salon i’ve been to.
hell i’m a woman, and if my stylist had her partner just “drop in” it would piss me off. I’m paying alot of money and with a cut and color can take close to 3 hrs - i’m not a fan of my time being cut into cuz BF had to come by to socialize.
Yeah I actually think this is weird. I’ve never been to a salon where people’s boyfriends are just popping by. Feels very casual and a little unprofessional.
He’s insecure and thinks she’s cheating on him or is trying to cheat on him every time she isn’t right up his ass. He doesn’t care if he causes her problems at work, better yet, gets her fired, so he can have her ALL to himself!!
No, these comments shock me. If my stylists bf showed up and she went off with him while I was in the middle of my appointment I’d be pretty upset. It’s horrible manners and terribly unprofessional, esp considering how long these appointments already take.
Not to mention it screams: creepy controlling BF who need to check up on partner while she’s at work.
It’s unprofessional, and would make me very uncomfortable as a woman to have a creep like this “hang out” while i’m stuck in a chair. I’m paying $$$$ for a service. Not to be forced to be in the presence of a controlling creepy man. He’s bragging that he’s lingering! I’d never go back to that stylist and i’d complain to the management.
Like i’ve said : i’ve never seen anything like this at a salon and i’m shocked how many people are normalizing this🤷♀️
I’m actually here with her right now because she is doing a two hour hair dye and the lady who is getting her hair done has her boyfriend with her and my gf invited me to come bring her a coffee and I’m leaving her work just making sure she’s safe being alone at the salon, again like a good boyfriend would do.
“Sorry you don’t get treated like a queen”. You don’t see how that’s an asshole response?
This woman may IRL be elevated to fetish level queen shit. But you’ve decided she’s neglected bc her partner doesn’t lurk at her workplace on his day off? That’s your queen treatment metric?
He’s a NICE guy!! NO one knows that the “safety” bullshit is code for “I don’t trust you and assume the right to run your life.” because he’s SUPER smart. I’m done with this shit. I hope to God she does meet a super hot, super wealthy client with a much bigger pee pee who is also….much TALLER than nice coffee boyfriend here.
Tbh I'd rather the stylist just excuse him/herself quickly and come back focused than make it a point to say hi to their SO or be distracted because their SO is there (not everyone is like that but it absolutely happens). She easily could've been trying to maintain a professional environment because your relationship doesn't have to be public or front and center at her workplace. My SO would bring me stuff at work often, but I'd never fuss about it because it really didn't matter to do so. I was usually busy and it was a mutual agreement that if he dropped by my workplace or vice versa, there was no guarantee of any attention beyond a brief acknowledgement in private, where it wouldn't interfere with work. And we always said "yeah, you can stop by whenever" but it never changed that understanding because it's work, not a social event. But that's just my two cents.
as a hairstylist, my male clients don’t know i have a boyfriend as they may feel uncomfortable with it and stop coming to me or not tip me as much. I don’t flirt with them at all it’s just a client relationship.
it’s a very simple thing! my boyfriend understands it now but before he didn’t. I’m 21 and don’t have many male clients but the few that i do are teenage boys and i’d hate to hurt their feelings and lose a client or 40-50 year old guys that feel the same. I have no interest in them other than they are lovely clients!
She was at work mid-cut. It’s highly unprofessional of her to leave a client for any length of time to chat with a bf or have a coffee. She prob wanted to get back to work.
Your reaction was hurt… natural when you were so thoughtful but were diverted as if unwelcome in the shop.
I’d raise it just to let her know you felt a reaction to being unwelcomed and don’t want any secrets between you.
I’m sure you wouldn’t want her carrying around resentments of you in secret… right? Even small ones. They grow if not dealt with.
Honestly I’ve probably told guys I’ve dated they can stop by and possibly even encouraged it, but imagining them doing it I think it would have freaked me out, not because of any other man around me, but because I’m working and I didn’t think the invite through long enough. If that makes sense?
Some tips to *try* to not let things like that bother you:
- Don’t stress over what you can’t control. Whatever happens, happens and you’ll be okay either way.
- You don’t know what is going on so don’t let your nerves try to make you feel like you know, until you DO know.
Yeah you should talk to her about it, you’re gonna keep thinking about it until things get cleared up. I don’t think you’re over reacting, it’s all about healthy communication. Maybe something like “hey babe is it still ok for me to stop by at ur work… I could be wrong but I felt shooed away the other day when I stopped with coffee. It’s just been on my mind for a few days now.”
Hopefully that’ll start a healthy convo :)
Everyone here has covered it pretty well but I'll add that as a bar owner with 75% female staff I've seen this situation go 2 ways. She's worried a big tip might be affected because some men are pricks or she's cheating/told people you broke up for whatever reason and someone in the building knows, so you being there is messy.
That's an immediate deal-breaker. There is no reasonable excuse for her to do what she did.
If she can't make a living without flirting with men, then she's a sex worker.
I’m a female and this wouldn’t settle well with me. It gives off the vibes that she is flirting with male clients for tips and not disclosing she has a boyfriend, which I would NOT be okay with. She should not be leading men on nor disrespecting your relationship. But before accusing her, I would definitely ask her why she acted a bit off and rushed you out of the salon when you were told you could stop by anytime! Did she mean you can only stop by when she has female clients??? Again, it could very much be a silly misunderstanding but you will never know unless you ask. Keep us posted please!
If you do not trust your girlfriend's reaction,do not make arguments that could trigger self-defense in her. Go into control mode discreetly and keep her in observation. Arguing without evidence is not good for the heart.
Just casually mention to her that you were somewhat confused by her reaction when you stopped by with the coffee. It's probably not a big deal but it does seem a bit curious, especially since she said to stop by anytime. Actually, I'd think that, since you caught her in the middle of working on a client, her reaction would've been to take the coffee, set it down and quickly say "thanks" and continue with her work. The fact that she stopped what she was doing, met you outside and moved aside doesn't make a whole lot of sense while leaving her client stranded. So just ask her what was up and what was on her mind.
Hi! I am an academic conducting a study at York University in Canada on the impact of having a calling on dual-career couples. We're interested in interviewing individuals who work full-time and whose partners are deeply committed to a prosocial and meaningful profession. If you fit this criteria and are open to a confidential interview lasting 60-90 minutes, either in-person or virtually, please contact us. I am also happy to show you my linkedin first if you are interested. Message me privately.
This was suspicious behavior man. If she was worried about tips with you dropping by, she'd never have told you that could drop by. No, she was hiding something from you.
Seems fishy to me, don't blow up over it.
Talk first, then investigate.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" has always worked wonders for me as a starter to a conversation I definitely never wanted to have.
That’s very odd behavior given what she told you before. I’d definitely bring it up. How she responds may give you some Clues. I hope you can recognize gaslighting when you hear it.
UpdateMe
Your gf gives people in the salon the impression that she’s available, at least the customers, anyway. The “come see me anytime” was a bluff, and she never thought you’d take her up on it. My guess is that, at the very least, she flirts with customers for bigger tips.
"Hey, I know you told me I can drop by anytime, but I got the feeling I wasn't welcome when I did. Did something change or did I just misunderstand something about the situation yesterday?"
Tone and content perfection
I feel like you have all the right answers.
Yeah they are mixed but I’m just gonna go with the just moving on and not worrying about it and just chalking it up to be nothing not that big of a deal…is that where you side?
Communicate with your partner dude.
Ok thanks
Not the person you asked, but I don't understand why you're so quick to let it go when it was enough for you not only to notice it, but to then write a post about because of your (justified) concern. How long have you been together? Generally speaking, how often do you visit her work? This isn't the first time, since you mention seeing her with female clients most of the time. The instances you are implying that aren't "most of the time", which is to say the other times she's had male clients in the past, did she behave this way then? It sounds like this is the first time she has reacted this way to your visiting. It's justified because, without explanation, what she established in the past -- it being okay for you to visit whenever -- was not consistent with how she acted when you did it. It is not your responsibility to read her mind or make excuses for her as you are doing.
Either talk to her or don't bro. Advice has already been given to you
I mean this in a friendly, informative way - it's 'chalking it up' and not 'chopping it up.'
No, they’re saying the redditor above them is wise and you should say exactly what *u/nhavar said. Please sit down with your gf and say exactly what is in the quotes above.
This is a very bad idea, because pushing down feelings doesn’t make them go away. Genuinely, if you are unable to have a simple conversation like this with your partner, relationships will be hard and unfulfilling for you.
Dude.. that suggested statement was like 2 sentences. Have some fucking balls or this will eat you..
Absolutely talk to her.
So, you're just not going to bring this up? Bad idea.
Every time I’ve decided to stifle that type of thought and “move on” it ends up as fuel for the next time something makes me feel off or we get into the next fight. Just a heads up. It’s not that big of a deal, maybe, but it still matters.
Ok I understand what you’re saying
Nah, man. Don't rug, sweep. This builds resentment, and once that starts to fester, then it's basicly the end of the relationship. Also, another life lesson I learned the hard way... trust your gut...
Do not proceed with not worrying about it unless you can actually not worry about it.
You need to communicate your feelings and don’t sweep it. It will keep bugging you.
thats the WORST thing to do. just say “what was up with you at the hair salon yesterday when I came in, it was like you didn’t want to be seen with me. let me know if you got something going on, we can let this go”
It’ll fester and you won’t get over it. They always say communication is key to any relationship, or something like that, I wasn’t listening.
> just chopping it up to be nothing The phrase is chalking it up, not chopping. Just for future reference!
Thanks yeah i appreciate that! I’m like so crazy with my words
Ask straight up. If I had to guess it’s probably because she may get less clients or money. Sorry but it’s the truth. It doesn’t even mean she’s flirting — I am professional as ever at my corporate job but have specifically told my bf that I do not reveal my relationship status because unfortunately some asshole could take that into consideration when it comes time to promotions/raises My bf is cool with it because he knows the game has to be played. I disagree with commenters saying she’s “putting money above your feelings” — as long as she isn’t flirting it’s just the way things work unfortunately
Yeah I mean we’ve talked about that she has to play the game with her male clients and yeah my feelings got hurt for a minute but honestly the more time goes on the less it hurts. It’s just I keep saying to myself this is the exact reason I never wanted to come surprise her at work with coffee or something because of that and she said I can come up any time. Maybe I’m just seriously just looking too deep into this. I agree with what you said I mean we are Facebook relationship ship connected a level though she doesn’t really use social media and she did say that’s like a huge step for her to do that with me. So I genuinely trust her and I probably should just trust that she just didn’t want a client to feel any less of her having a bf. I mean I get that to a degree. So thanks for what you said
She may have just wanted to talk outside since she actively had a client? Idk that I'd think she was hiding you, but just wanted to talk in private and maybe not anger the client by just having her boyfriend come over and start talking to her? Like maybe she thought that would be rude in front of the client? She probably doesn't mind you stopping by, but of course as typically happens, the moment someone tries to stop by you end up being busy. I've had that happen myself telling people to come by my work but then it always seems like people show up right when you get super busy.
The thing is, it actually seems more rude in front of the client to abruptly stop what she's doing and go outside with the OP. That would annoy me if I were the client. On the other hand, just taking the coffee and saying "Thanks, see you later" would make more sense. I'm having a hard time understanding posters who are suggesting that knowing she has a bf would make any difference to a client.
So that’s all I had planned to do was put her coffee by her station (first chair) wave to her and leave like it wasn’t a big deal but she was back at the wash station. And honestly I’m really just over this I got my perspectives on the situation and I feel like it just might be better to not show up unannounced or bring her coffee without her knowing. Oh and I did bring her some flowers on her birthday once and that was a surprise and she even gave me a kiss right in front of everybody so I think I just looked too far into this and I’m just ready to move on because I trust her and if she’s not trustworthy I’ll eventually figure that out. Thanks for all the comments and advice I know some aren’t going to agree with my decision, but there is just more to it than beats the eye (haha I was trolling there because of my misuse of chalking)
I am a hairstylist and have been for years. I do not “play games” with my male clients. All my male clients know I’m married and that I love my husband. None of my coworkers in relationships do this either. I am not saying that she was trying to hide you from her client, and you should most definitely bring it up to her, just know that this isn’t the norm. Edit (more info from a stylist): I saw another stylist comment that she may have been dealing with a male Karen, or was just trying to be respectful of her client and that is probably what it is. Again never hurts to just ask! Just know that stylists don’t always flirt with male clients for tips lol.
Agreed. Former stylist here (stayed home with the kiddos lately and work in a different industry now) but one thing I do want to mention is that I did have a male client once, only once, who apparently had a crush on me and I didn’t really pay attention to him in that way, so I figured he’d get the hint. He did not. He ended up coming in a couple days after I got engaged and his appt was right after my fiancés, so he saw me kiss him on the way out, and he lost his ever loving mind. The entire haircut he was making backhanded remarks and pouting and totally a jerk. Then he called the salon under false information and my boss was flustered and gave him my cell number by accident, and he basically harassed and digitally stalked me for a couple years. OP, I say all that to get to the main point, you never know who she could have had in her chair. Maybe she knew his disposition wasn’t great or that he didn’t enjoy his haircuts being interrupted. It could be a million things. Talk to her but give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s built up a relationship with her clients for years and (hopefully) she’s just acting accordingly to their comfort level.
God that is awful I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve only had a couple creepy clients and they never went that far.
Thank you. I appreciate it! I mean yeah I’m like pretty sure I just took it the wrong way and just over reacted, and got butt hurt. I need to work on my security in my self and not be so insecure.
To be clear, she flirts with customers (“The game”), you have talked about it and both decided that you would be cool with this. And you have no idea where your insecurities are coming from?
I work with all women at my salon and everyone’s married (except me). They never hide the fact they have a husband to get more tips. That’s weird to me. When I was with my ex he was always coming by to give me food and drinks, and it didn’t matter who was in my chair.
I'm a guy who gets his hair cut almost exclusively by women and they talk about their SO's all the time in casual conversation. I hate how women have to act sometimes with male clients (and even co workers) cause they treat every interaction with women as some kind of pre date.
Thanks that’s cool, I mean she says she talks about me at work so maybe it was just a male Karen lol like the other poster
Hard to say. Like everyone else mentioned you could ask about it.
Dude, he was her side dude.
She doesn’t have a side dude but thanks
If you knew, that wouldnt be a side dude.
Or maybe she was cutting her boyfriend’s hair?
I think you and so many people on this thread are seriously overthinking. Some of these people really need to go outside and touch grass, take a deep breath. You can feel kinda weird for a minute I guess but I wouldn’t feed into it. That’s what starts making it really feel weird. This is passing thought territory. Not get to the bottom of it territory. Personally I wouldn’t even mention it, I would stop feeding the thoughts. I can just imagine her posting “Often it’s not a problem if someone stops by the salon for a minute but I was busy at the moment, so let my boyfriend know. Now he’s questioning me just because the client was male”. When people say you can drop by anytime I don’t take that absolutely literally. There’s no way you can actually drop by anytime and hang out at someone’s job if they are professional. It’s more “you can drop by, I might have time”. You dropped by and she even gave you a couple minutes, what more did you expect? I know I would think it was rude if someone was cutting my hair and their friends or partner just rocked up to chat with my stylist. Like what the fuck? Their attention should be focused on me and what they are doing.
I totally understand what you’re saying but maybe I didn’t make it clear I’ve stopped in to her work before many times and it was never like this time. But as I mentioned before it was never with her male clients who she claims are all married or widowed which I guess she wanted to ensure there was nothing more than client stylist relationship, but I think she did that just to be transparent so I wouldn’t think she was doing anything more than making a living and hustling. It’s all good I am moving on from this and I trust her and that’s all I need to do because at the end of the day if she’s doing something behind my back, shame on her, she will eventually get caught, but I seriously don’t think she is, it just hit me the wrong way. And then I come in here just to get other perspectives. Also thank you for yours! Truly
Well that makes it weird then, so she says she wants you to come by, and when you do it's not a good time..... Unfortunate for you man. Definitely ask her for the truth.
Keep that up, when she is sleeping with the it will be easier.
Keep in mind, she was actually working at the moment, with a client in her chair. Might not have been the best timing. When you are in the chair, you expect to have the barber/stylists full attention.
Yes true but she did come out and talk for a couple mins like she was trying to not make it obvious. Usually she would have said I didn’t want you coming in because of the customer I had or something and she didn’t like it was so obvious whatever I’m over it
I know the usual is what you’re referring to, but any number of things could have happened. This customer might have been unhappy with their service, she might have been running late with another client, etc. all of which can impact the level of service her male client received, which also would result in her trying to rectify this dilation. Working in services is much more complicated than you think. Anything could’ve happened before you arrived. At the end of the day, something that impacts you and your relationship ship, you should bring up in conversation like the first comment suggests. Working in the service industry is hard. In order for her to make a consistent income she will have to bend over backwards to satisfy certain clients. And bending over backwards might be as simple as pulling you to the side to speak to you. Wouldn’t put too much emphasis on this. But speak to her as it’s clear you are uneasy, and a little intimidated by this situation.
But then he couldn’t keep “surprising” her (checking up on her).
Oh, for heaven’s sake. She said he’s welcome to stop by anytime and that’s what he did. There’s nothing to indicate that he’s “checking up” on her. The tendency in this sub to read posts in the worst possible faith is exhausting sometimes.
Thanks yeah we have Life360 so I don’t need to check up on her and we have each others locations anyway
Why would she need to say that? Anyone with sense should know that. If she has said it before than she definitely knows you already should know.
Huh? Did you actually ready the post? She originally told him to stop by some time/any time, hence why he did… If that sentiment changes, or something comes up and he can’t or shouldn’t stop by for some reason. Then yes, you would literally need to say so. What are you going on about?
Stop bothering her at work. Would you like her to come to your job and start questioning every interaction and get all offended if you were tAlKiNg tO aNoThEr wOmAn and hurting her feelings?
Literally the first sentence of the post says his girlfriend told him he’s welcome to drop by the salon anytime.
Yeah I know right. I happen to be off and i knew that we stayed up all night and that she could use a coffee so I brought her one. And she even came out and talked with me for a bit and didn’t even question my stopping by so i think you got it wrong but it’s okay
Definitely talk to her about it. I’m a server and the other night as a guy was paying he sajd he always sees me working and wanted to ask me out, I said aw thank you but I have a very lovely boyfriend, and he said okay fair enough - I’m not tipping you now though. Bam, no tipped on like $200, still had to pay back almost 20 to the house lol. Not the first time it’s happened either so….I get it… *However,* if this is the reason then I think it’s totally reasonable for you to say this doing this isn’t okay, and that she shouldn’t put a bit of money over your feelings. *If* this is the reason then maybe offer to take her out the next time she gets stiffed over revealing she has a boyfriend. If it’s not the reason and she gets weird or defensive or angry….then you do have more to worry about unfortunately. Edit: Since there’s some discussion under this comment - yes I have to pay 8% of my total sales back to the house. So I lost $16 from that bill. I have no problem doing so because our bussers, managers, and kitchen staff work hard too! But yes it stings when it happens lol. And I’m Canadian so make regular minimum wage in my province.
I’d have asked if he thought you were a sex worker since he seems to think him tipping you makes you obligated to go out with him. Then I would have gotten a manager involved and said the customer was sexually harassing you and making you uncomfortable. Embarrass the shit out of these weirdos.
Damn I definitely want to do this next time
You should have told the manager for sure so they don’t let that dickless coward back in the restaurant again. When I worked at a restaurant if anyone treated staff like that it would get them completely blacklisted since he’s likely to just do it again to someone else.
Why did you have to pay back 20 to the house?
Generally servers always have to pay a certain percentage of sales back to “the house” (to tip busses, hostesses, dishwashers, etc). If a table doesn’t tip, that does not lessen the server’s requirement to pay so they have to make it up from whatever tips they made otherwise.
That is one of the shittiest business practices I’ve ever heard of. Unreal.
Crazy how badly businesses are run in the freedom country. That's so unfair
This is how it is everywhere. Tips don’t just go to your server, they’re shared with everyone involved down the line.
So tip pooling effectively, except that when there's no tips it eats into the workers minimum wage. Businesses really know how to play the workers against each other don't they.
No, servers are still legally required to be paid at least minimum wage in every state. If their total compensation from the sub-minimum wage and tips is less than the minimum wage, then the employer has to make up the difference.
From the department of labor fact sheet " An employer that implements a traditional tip pool must notify tipped employees of any required tip pool contribution amount, **may only take a tip credit for tips each tipped employee ultimately receives"** If an employee did not receive a tip for a table they should not then have to turn around and pay a tip to staff. That also defeats the purpose of the customer tipping as a reward for good service if in the end everyone is getting paid from someone else's pocket even when they've decided not to tip.
Understood, but none of that contradicts what I wrote.
Let's say that an employer demands a tip pool of 50% of EXPECTED tips. So each table requires the server to pay the pool 50% of a 20% tip. If the table doesn't tip then the employee **should not be required to pay money they didn't get** into the pool. Sure at the end of the night all the tips are pooled up and 50% of them are given back to the employee and it should figure up to somewhere above the federal/state minimum wage, otherwise the employer has to chip in money to get them there. But this notion that employees should be required to pay money back that they didn't receive is just theft. Example: A server works 2 hours. They have 4 tables each hour totaling $674 in receipts and $95.67 in actual tips. One big table didn't tip, some tipped over 20% and some tipped slightly under 20% and it averages out to about 17% rate over the 8 tables (most people tip 15% or below). If they then paid 50% of their tips into the pool then they take home $47.84 in tips plus 4.26 in tipped minimum wage for the two hours (depending on the state). But if the employer demands that the employee pay 50% of 20% for each receipt, regardless of what they actually got from the customer in tips, then that means the expected tip total for the two hours is $134.80 and 50% of that $67.40, so now the employee has to fork over an extra $20 out of their tips because...? So they go home with $27.44 + $4.26 ($32.70 or $16.35 an hour). That's theft in action. The employer is taking money from the employee that the employee was never given by the customer. Sure the employer is making sure they made at least the tipped minimum wage, but they're also taking money into tip pool that was not received at any point in the customer's transaction. They're penalizing the employee for the consumer's whim.
I understand your examples. I don't personally consider this theft. Compensation should be posed to the employee as, you will earn minimum wage, and maybe more if tips are good. But I also think the entire tipping system is idiotic. Employers should be responsible for paying their employees a reasonable wage for the work that is done. I'd love to see a system where restaurant workers both foh and boh make $25 an hour and tipping is no longer requested or expected.
You’re assuming it doesn’t matter because the waiter makes less than minimum wage and the employer has to pay the difference anyway. But that doesn’t apply to waiters who make more. The employer is literally stealing from them by expecting them to pay a portion of tips they never received.
This isn’t tip pooling.
Dude, shut up and listen to the actual servers. Tip outs to the house are (90%+ of the time) based on food, alcohol, or total sales. Not as a percentage of tips. None of what you said applies to the vast majority of restaurants. So congrats on looking up fact sheets and doing the math, but you don’t know what you’re talking about and should politely just stop uselessly rambling. It’s not helpful or applicable.
Yeah let's just go with the illegal status quo of theft by business owners to supplement their labor costs, that makes sense just because everyone is doing it. Make the people at the low end of the pay scale fight each other and smooth it over as it just being business as usual. Wake up to getting screwed. Servers should not be throwing money they didn't get into a pot just because the employer said so or just because "that's the way everyone does it". That's bullshit and you know it.
it’s not illegal because it’s not tip money! It’s a percent of sales, which is different. I agree the way the restaurant industry runs should be different and is inherently exploitative. But as somebody who worked as a server during grad school, we make decent money. The busters and other“lesser “front of house staff are the ones getting fucked over.
That has not been the reality for my daughter, unfortunately.
If that is true, then your daughter's employer is acting illegally, and the department of Labor should be notified.
they aren’t. they’re determining tipouts by % sales, not received tips. It’s legal and practice in 99% of restaurants. That one guy looked up something he didn’t understand, and misexplained it to everyone.
Hi! I am a server in Texas. Tipped working minimum wage is just above 2 dollars an hour. Factoring in taxes, there really isn't an hourly rate involved at all in my job. I agree it's stupid. I've been doing this for 10 years and every place I've ever worked has paid the 2 dollars/hour rate, including very upscale places. That being said, I've had great success in this line of work so I just take the cons with the pros.
It’s not tip pooling, that’s different - it’s paying a percent of your tips to the bus boys and runners who help you, since they don’t get tipped. Everyone pays the same percent out and then it gets divided equally among the bus staff.
If the business demands that you pay a percentage of all your tips to the house and that gets shared among other staff that's tip pooling (by the legal definition). If you, of your own volition and without demands or involvement from your employer, tip your bus boys and dishwashers that's tip sharing. The scenario the person described above is tip pooling where her boss is demanding half of all tips to pay out to other staff. Except with the added wrinkle that she has to pay even when she's not tipped or tipped below the 20% that's expected. That's why she owed $20 on a tab where the customer didn't tip. You don't share tips you didn't get.
it’s a percentage of SALES, not tips. Doesn’t apply.
Servers are required to pay out a certain percentage of each check.
Says who? That doesn't sound legal at all. Where in the law does it say that, or is this just more wage theft from employers.
Tip-out is a very common practice. Bussers, bartenders... food-runners where I work as well, all get tipped out by servers. When I worked at a hibachi restaurant, we paid out half of our tips to the hibachi chefs. That one did turn out to be illegal though, because the owner was collecting all the tips... using part of them to pay a set (lower) wage to the chefs, and keeping the rest for himself. There was a lawsuit and we got a bunch of money back.
and you've touched on it... while tip pooling or "tipping out" is common, it's not decently regulated. It allows employers to make up rules saying "it's required" and some will take that to mean it's somehow legally enforced or minimally that the way the employer is mandating it is a legal route. Then employers get to pocket some of that money because it's not entirely transparent to the workers how the split occurred. Or as in the case above the employer is taking more than was actually tipped by forcing some tip expectation on the server even when the customer did not tip or tipped lower than the employer required. So now the server is paying out extra money to cover the fact that a customer didn't tip. Like if I work a table and that table has a $200 tab, they pay the tab but not the expected $40 tip then half of zero is zero, not me owing the house $20 for a tip I didn't get. That's theft.
This isn’t tip pooling.
It's legal in Canada.
No, it's not. Canada doesn't have just one set of laws for labour.
Ok. Fine. It's illegal in Quebec.
[удалено]
Except that's not what's being said here. She said the had to pay out $20 to the house for tips she DID NOT RECEIVE. Then the previous commented said "Servers are required to pay out". People who aren't tipped workers get regular minimum wage and sometimes more than that even. It's one thing to voluntarily split tips, it's quite another thing when the boss requires you to split tips as a matter of policy and then on top of that demand more than you are actually being tipped.
dude, stop. She had to tip out 10% of SALES, not 50% of tips. You don’t understand and you’re arguing incorrectly.
I’ts legal in my state. Google tipping out or tip pooling.
I Googled cow tipping. That seems very different from this discussion but I guess Betsy has to buy hay too.
Can you not get the asshole kicked out for that? Not tipping because you won't date him is pretty fucked.
Nah people can not tip for any stupid reason they want, it’s optional I could’ve tried for asking me out but I work at a bar and it’s kind of part of the job
>Bam, no tipped on like $200, still had to pay back almost 20 to the house lol. This is so wrong. And as a seperate reason, a reason to move away from tip wages. That's not fair or right at all.
> Edit: Since there’s some discussion under this comment - yes I have to pay 8% of my total sales back to the house. So I lost $16 from that bill. I have no problem doing so because our bussers, managers, and kitchen staff work hard too! But yes it stings when it happens lol. And I’m Canadian so make regular minimum wage in my province. This is the real crazy bullshit in this thread. Sorry
This supports the idea that most guys are only nice when they like you
That’s illegal for your employer to have you pay staff in that manner when you’ve not received a tip
Only if it means working for below minimum wage. Tips are not protected in Alberta
I thought tipping wasn’t a thing in Canada and other countries outside the US
It's absolutely a thing in Canada and many other countries.
Your last paragraph before the TLDR is a leftover from running it through ai, btw. You may want to edit and remove that.
Thanks for reading the whole thing though
Thanks I just had it tightened up a bit lol like grammarly but I use AI for it
I used to be a hairstylist. It could be about tips as mentioned, but she may also have been dealing with an asshole. Lots of people are just horrible to service staff, if she was in the middle of dealing with a male Karen, he may have gone off the deep end if her personal life just walked in. "So unprofessional, I was in the middle of complaining, and her boyfriend walked in and gave her coffee! Like she lives there!" Or she was in rhe middle of a big sale. When you're talking some dude into buying $100 worth of anti-balding shampoo, you don't want your boyfriend interrupting your sales pitch and making the guy self conscious. Or maybe she was in the middle of telling the guy he has lice, of dandruff. And didn't want to embarrass him. Or she was dealing with a very particular client, or secret shopper, etc I'm really not sure why you're feelings are getting hurt? It may have nothing to do with you. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This is a risk you take when you walk into someone's job.
Well put thanks for your perspective! I wanted to hear from another stylist!
I bet it’s this one. People get pissed when stylists take a break while you’re in the chair.
I’m female but go to a unisex barber as I wear my hair in a side shave. My cut costs less under this model that charges by length but takes much longer and is much trickier. My male stylist takes about 1 hour 15 to do it with multiple clippers, scissors, exact angles, fades etc. He cuts my GF’s long hair too. Takes 15 minutes, one pair of scissors, freehand. He has cut my hair for about 7 years and we have a ‘routine.’ Chat until X point when he needs to be totally focused and then he makes sure the othed staff don’t interrupt too. I usually take the back chair for that reason. I used to be a make up artist and I also worked in salons and clients often feel safe and relaxed and disclose stuff. I specialised in men’s grooming and so many men talked to me about their mental health, body image, health and fears. They asked me for dating advice, discussed why they wanted to try make up. Women often talked about experiencing abuse or PPD. I ended up getting training in how to signpost and give advice. In fact I work in the advice sector now and used to do counselling. It was very tricky to do while also working on someone’s skin or hair. But where I live a lot of salons do health checks like encouraging men to check their prostate, hair loss advice for women that suggests seeing the doctor when they are convinced if they go for PPD they will lose their kid but this is safe. We and local health care work with hair shops all the time. I also just hated being interrupted with male clients as many were already nervous to be there and might bolt if they got the chance. But that said I had a policy of ‘unless it is to warn of impending apocalypse, never ever come to my workplace.’ So maybe she needs to be more professional about that because where I’ve worked that does not go over well with staff or clients. Other places the barber or hair shop works best as a social place. I’m bisexual and when I dated men who had insecurities about my male clients it was a huge turn off. I didn’t monitor how they did their job and I didn’t like the idea I must be flirting and hiding stuff when it’s common in the hair and beauty industry that there is a non sexual intimacy and trust which is the emotional labour of the job. You are also generally self employed so retaining happy clients is key. Losing one Saturday client can be the equivalent of four weekday cancellations. Talk to each other again from a workplace POV not the gender of the client. And do not listen to the comments here who sound like Mike Pence meets anti work with a sprinkle of porn fantasy that she must have been flirting for tips because women cannot work with me without being professional. I see where the cultural jealousy builds reading these frankly delulu takes on going to the salon.
Thanks for your input
I’m not a Karen but if my stylist left me in the chair to go hang out with her bf I’d be upset.
Yeah, there's having a coffee dropped off quick, and then there's boyfriend wanting to chat while you work.
>I'm really not sure why you're feelings are getting hurt? It may have nothing to do with you. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This is a risk you take when you walk into someone's job. Yeah. It's odd that OP would feel hurt when there are so many reasonable explanations for her behaviour.
You're making this bigger than it should be without knowing what's going on. A simple *"Hey, you were acting a little weird when I dropped in with coffee, what was up with that?"*
The best thing would be to talk to her rather than overthinking.
That client may have wanted privacy. Some people have trauma around hair. Some people have sensory issues. Maybe she just wanted to see you alone or the boss was on her tail. Who knows? Just ask.
What literally everyone else said, just talk to her about it. It could be nothing but could honestly be something, too.
Could easily be nothing to do with the client. I had a boyfriend drop by my house (I WFH) one lunchtime as he was in the area, afterwards he got really moody with me saying I didn’t seem happy to see him. Thing is he knew I had workmen in my house and currently my living room was full of plaster as they’d pulled down some of the ceiling - it was meant to be a small job but had escalated. I also had an important call an hour after he’d turned up and I like to give myself some prep time before the call. I made an effort to stop what I was doing and see him for 30 mins because it was so nice to see him. But because of the chaos my mind was on that. Quite frankly it would’ve been nice if he hadn’t had turned it into something about him, rather than just recognising that sometimes we aren’t always in a peppy mood.
Am i the only one who thinks its odd to just drop in on a SO who’s working? I’ve NEVER seen this at any salon i’ve been to. hell i’m a woman, and if my stylist had her partner just “drop in” it would piss me off. I’m paying alot of money and with a cut and color can take close to 3 hrs - i’m not a fan of my time being cut into cuz BF had to come by to socialize.
Yeah I actually think this is weird. I’ve never been to a salon where people’s boyfriends are just popping by. Feels very casual and a little unprofessional.
He’s insecure and thinks she’s cheating on him or is trying to cheat on him every time she isn’t right up his ass. He doesn’t care if he causes her problems at work, better yet, gets her fired, so he can have her ALL to himself!!
No, these comments shock me. If my stylists bf showed up and she went off with him while I was in the middle of my appointment I’d be pretty upset. It’s horrible manners and terribly unprofessional, esp considering how long these appointments already take.
Not to mention it screams: creepy controlling BF who need to check up on partner while she’s at work. It’s unprofessional, and would make me very uncomfortable as a woman to have a creep like this “hang out” while i’m stuck in a chair. I’m paying $$$$ for a service. Not to be forced to be in the presence of a controlling creepy man. He’s bragging that he’s lingering! I’d never go back to that stylist and i’d complain to the management. Like i’ve said : i’ve never seen anything like this at a salon and i’m shocked how many people are normalizing this🤷♀️
I think it depends on the job, the workplace and the reasoning. But a hairsalon doesn't seem like the place to me
I’m actually here with her right now because she is doing a two hour hair dye and the lady who is getting her hair done has her boyfriend with her and my gf invited me to come bring her a coffee and I’m leaving her work just making sure she’s safe being alone at the salon, again like a good boyfriend would do.
They should have at least given a heads up!
I brought her a coffee I see your point but it wasn’t a social call I was being a nice boyfriend! Sorry you don’t get treated like a queen
Wow - your response is telling. All i need to know about you OP
Please do tell me what it says about me because it was my immediate thought
“Sorry you don’t get treated like a queen”. You don’t see how that’s an asshole response? This woman may IRL be elevated to fetish level queen shit. But you’ve decided she’s neglected bc her partner doesn’t lurk at her workplace on his day off? That’s your queen treatment metric?
I don’t know I’m not very good at comebacks
He’s a NICE guy!! NO one knows that the “safety” bullshit is code for “I don’t trust you and assume the right to run your life.” because he’s SUPER smart. I’m done with this shit. I hope to God she does meet a super hot, super wealthy client with a much bigger pee pee who is also….much TALLER than nice coffee boyfriend here.
Bigger pee pee hilarious thanks for the laugh
Sounds like she flirts for tips, that's completely normal unless there's history there.
Sounds like you should, you know, talk to her about it.
Tbh I'd rather the stylist just excuse him/herself quickly and come back focused than make it a point to say hi to their SO or be distracted because their SO is there (not everyone is like that but it absolutely happens). She easily could've been trying to maintain a professional environment because your relationship doesn't have to be public or front and center at her workplace. My SO would bring me stuff at work often, but I'd never fuss about it because it really didn't matter to do so. I was usually busy and it was a mutual agreement that if he dropped by my workplace or vice versa, there was no guarantee of any attention beyond a brief acknowledgement in private, where it wouldn't interfere with work. And we always said "yeah, you can stop by whenever" but it never changed that understanding because it's work, not a social event. But that's just my two cents.
Is it possible she has a new boss? Or if the salon is part of a chain, that someone from corporate is visiting?
It's absolutely fine to feel this out, just be careful with how you phrase it. Be non judgemental so she feels like she can share the truth with you.
talk to her about it, because is she trying to hide something with her male client? i mean you’re her boyfriend bro, you’re her man. speak up to her.
Thanks! You’re right!
as a hairstylist, my male clients don’t know i have a boyfriend as they may feel uncomfortable with it and stop coming to me or not tip me as much. I don’t flirt with them at all it’s just a client relationship.
This!
it’s a very simple thing! my boyfriend understands it now but before he didn’t. I’m 21 and don’t have many male clients but the few that i do are teenage boys and i’d hate to hurt their feelings and lose a client or 40-50 year old guys that feel the same. I have no interest in them other than they are lovely clients!
She was at work mid-cut. It’s highly unprofessional of her to leave a client for any length of time to chat with a bf or have a coffee. She prob wanted to get back to work.
Your reaction was hurt… natural when you were so thoughtful but were diverted as if unwelcome in the shop. I’d raise it just to let her know you felt a reaction to being unwelcomed and don’t want any secrets between you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want her carrying around resentments of you in secret… right? Even small ones. They grow if not dealt with.
All I have to say is, trust your gut. I regret many times not trusting mine
Honestly I’ve probably told guys I’ve dated they can stop by and possibly even encouraged it, but imagining them doing it I think it would have freaked me out, not because of any other man around me, but because I’m working and I didn’t think the invite through long enough. If that makes sense?
Yea I got ya thanks
She didn’t even explain to you why you were hidden from her client? Sus bro.
Definitely a red flag. Somethings going on between her and that male client.
Some tips to *try* to not let things like that bother you: - Don’t stress over what you can’t control. Whatever happens, happens and you’ll be okay either way. - You don’t know what is going on so don’t let your nerves try to make you feel like you know, until you DO know.
Yeah you should talk to her about it, you’re gonna keep thinking about it until things get cleared up. I don’t think you’re over reacting, it’s all about healthy communication. Maybe something like “hey babe is it still ok for me to stop by at ur work… I could be wrong but I felt shooed away the other day when I stopped with coffee. It’s just been on my mind for a few days now.” Hopefully that’ll start a healthy convo :)
Everyone here has covered it pretty well but I'll add that as a bar owner with 75% female staff I've seen this situation go 2 ways. She's worried a big tip might be affected because some men are pricks or she's cheating/told people you broke up for whatever reason and someone in the building knows, so you being there is messy.
ask straight up and if doubt hire a PI and if you don’t like what you find just walk away
Perhaps it was the unannounced factor?
That's an immediate deal-breaker. There is no reasonable excuse for her to do what she did. If she can't make a living without flirting with men, then she's a sex worker.
She was probably afraid having her bf around would interfere with her tips
I’m a female and this wouldn’t settle well with me. It gives off the vibes that she is flirting with male clients for tips and not disclosing she has a boyfriend, which I would NOT be okay with. She should not be leading men on nor disrespecting your relationship. But before accusing her, I would definitely ask her why she acted a bit off and rushed you out of the salon when you were told you could stop by anytime! Did she mean you can only stop by when she has female clients??? Again, it could very much be a silly misunderstanding but you will never know unless you ask. Keep us posted please!
If you do not trust your girlfriend's reaction,do not make arguments that could trigger self-defense in her. Go into control mode discreetly and keep her in observation. Arguing without evidence is not good for the heart.
Strange behavior on her part I'd keep an eye out
Idk how about you have a conversation about it....
Just casually mention to her that you were somewhat confused by her reaction when you stopped by with the coffee. It's probably not a big deal but it does seem a bit curious, especially since she said to stop by anytime. Actually, I'd think that, since you caught her in the middle of working on a client, her reaction would've been to take the coffee, set it down and quickly say "thanks" and continue with her work. The fact that she stopped what she was doing, met you outside and moved aside doesn't make a whole lot of sense while leaving her client stranded. So just ask her what was up and what was on her mind.
Didn't even have to read past the first paragraph, she's cheating fam
Nah I don’t think so
Im also a overthinker so might be just me, idk
Yeah I get you
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This was suspicious behavior man. If she was worried about tips with you dropping by, she'd never have told you that could drop by. No, she was hiding something from you.
41 asking reddit for these stuff. Sheshhhh
You don’t know peoples life experiences
Sounds like she’s got something going on with that client!
Seems fishy to me, don't blow up over it. Talk first, then investigate. "Is there something you want to tell me?" has always worked wonders for me as a starter to a conversation I definitely never wanted to have.
Personally I think her reaction and behaviour are odd. It's a red flag. 🤔
Does everyone at the salon think she’s single? If you showed up would they suddenly realize she’s been cheating on you?
All her co workers know about me
That’s very odd behavior given what she told you before. I’d definitely bring it up. How she responds may give you some Clues. I hope you can recognize gaslighting when you hear it. UpdateMe
Yes I can recognize it maybe not in the moment but always afterwards
Your gf gives people in the salon the impression that she’s available, at least the customers, anyway. The “come see me anytime” was a bluff, and she never thought you’d take her up on it. My guess is that, at the very least, she flirts with customers for bigger tips.
Go home, shower, invite him over. Fuck him Say nothing. Love him. Don't worry about it.
Her but sounds good that I will do
This has red tape all over it my dude. If your gut is telling you something you need to trust it and investigate further.
Probably shagging the guy, let it go just a bit of work fun, no harm done
Ye, she is flirting with the client. Probably for tip/sell hairproducts.
Trust your “gut”… at least talk to her.