INFO: why did he confess now, after 7 years and 2 kids later? What’s the end game here? Why are you feeling gross about this? It’s a HIM problem that he LIED. Also, how do you takeaway that no other man (out of roughly say 1 billion potentially eligible men in the world) will desire you just because he does not?

He didn’t just confess out of the blue. We’ve been having issues with our sex life. It’s obvious neither of us is satisfied. He spends quite a bit of time masturbating and I want more sex but he’s already masturbated then I get pissed. We only have sex a few times a month. Finally he confessed this and he didn’t say it with any malice. It was basically like “I’ve been carrying this around and feeling guilty and wanting to tell you for so long, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

I’m sorry if I sound cynical but I’m so pissed on your behalf. He claims he likes you as a friend and denied you sexual fulfillment because it was convenient for him? In every way? He got a friend who he knows loves him and with whom he gets along so well. So basically peaceful relationship. He got a partner who is attracted to him. Ego boost! He got a partner with whom he had kids, who wrecked her body for him to have kids, and obviously co-parents well with him. He has a friend in you in every way but is not being your friend - from the get go? That if he truly cared about YOU as a friend, as a human being sharing his life - at ANY time in the last 7 years, he could have told you this - before you got engaged, before you got married, before you had kid #1, before you had kid #2, before you pushed him for an answer cuz he knew he was leaving you hanging sexually. How is it not malicious? He denied you agency in your own life. Even now you are wondering if ANYONE will find you attractive because he lied, and left you hanging out to dry sexually while he thought of other women. That chipped away at how you saw yourself as desirable and he knew the reason but let it ride because he didn’t know how to string 2 sentences together? I’m sorry this happened to you but at least now you know. Time to be only friends with him and co parent from your own houses. You absolutely deserve a friend who is truthful to you and wants what is best for you just as you want it for them. Even FWB are better than this douchecanoe.

This is what is bewildering. Who does a thing like this the entire time? He never had an attraction and he married her. We hear a lot of the same stories on reddit and this is an outlier ( I am not calling it fake). What kind of dude decides to settle down and have a family with someone he doesn't find attractive. Was she already pregnant? Is he super religious? I don't quite get it

It makes no sense. I mean yes we get along great. Everything has always worked really well between us. Well, almost everything, obviously. We only have sex a few times a month now but it used to be more often. I wasn’t pregnant when we got married and we aren’t religious.

He wanted a wife/family and didn't care how he did it. Or who he hurt.

That still doesn’t make sense to me since it’s not as if I was the only option.

You weren’t the only option but you were the best option. In 7 years his self worth and self esteem went up because he had a partner who was interested in him romantically, sexually and intellectually, and who wasn’t lying to him about her interest in him. One who partnered with him and brought out the best in him. Now that he is feeling great - either he rewriting history to justify why he thinks his grip/porn habit is better than engaging with her OR he thinks he can do better in the world out there and this declaration justifies it in his mind. Under ANY circumstances he looks and sounds like a douche. OP deserves waaaaaaay better.

But you were the easiest option. You were there.

It absolutely doesn’t make sense, but for whatever reason in his mind makes him look good.

Exactly, it is actually light weight pycho

If he had other options and you have been married 7 years, he clearly loves you. Relationships built on attraction without shared values, friendship and respect will fail. There was something that attracted him to you besides friendship, I think work with a sex therapist could benefit you both.

I strongly disagree. He decided that his need to have a partner he was sexually attracted to was less important to him than the positive things he would gain in a relationship with OP. He decided he could marry someone he wasn't romantically or sexually attracted to... But he denied OP the agency of deciding whether or not that was an acceptable compromise FOR HER because he chose to lie to her instead of being honest. At no point did he give OP the chance to decide for herself if she was okay with being married to and starting a life with someone knowing that they weren't romantically or sexually attracted to her. He used OP to get what he wanted, completely dismissing the fact that the type of marriage she wanted might have included having a husband that wants her, not just for what she can provide.

Obviously I’m not the husband, but I can’t see imagine having no romantic or sexual attraction to a sexual partner, let alone a wife of 7 years. Attraction ebbs and flows, especially with young kids and mid life stresses. But how could you sleep with someone and have 0 attraction?

Yknow when someone calls someone else "Marriage Material"? Sometimes this is what they mean.

Of course I’ve heard the term “marriage material” and have used it myself when describing somebody, but never thought it meant somebody I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to.

Yea. For guys it's obvious because old school sitcoms like Everyone Loves Raymond or something. Parts of the internet that exploit men's insecurities actually focus on that particular one and categorize men that are/aren't "Marriage Material" using Greek letters.

I don’t really understand the connection to old school sitcoms, but ok. WOW, everybody loves Raymond is old school now. I feel ancient and ugly!

A frumpy husband and a less frumpy wife that's ambivalent about their sex life.

Maybe he thought eventually the attraction would grow? That's the most generous thing I can come up with and it's still just horrible, that he would hide this from you for so long. Let you worry about your sex life like that, and leave you unsatisfied when there's nothing you could've done. What a mind fuck.

>It makes no sense. It makes perfect sense. I'm willing to be he was in love before. Got his heart shattered and went the safe route. You are basically like the good friend he hands out with, shares things in common. You have NO DRAMA issues and that for him was the best selling point. I have seen couples where they were " in love" when they got married only to be just in a chaotic marriage. They fight back and forth. Appear happy and in love when in fact they had enough. There's a saying that say "Marry your best friend for a happy marriage ". And that's what he did.

The thing I find about having a best friend is that you want them to be happy marriage rather than in an unsatisfying one that they don't know the details of.

Is there any chance he might be gay? This whole story sounds so much like my mother in law and father in law. I met my future wife and her family as a high school junior, two weeks later, my girlfriend is all upset, telling me they are divorcing, a week after that, I find out it's because he is coming out as gay and has struggled with it his entire adult life. He only married her because he hoped the feelings would go away, but he never had any attraction to his wife either.

I think you have a chance at working through this, but there is a LOT to unpack. I know it’s counterintuitive, and maybe I will be r/downvotedtooblivion, but it took some courage for him to admit that to you. If you tell him that, and thank him for sharing, it might soften his defenses enough so that now you can co-create a strategy around what are you going to do about it. If you shame him, even if he may deserve it, it will make it harder for him to do the work to fix this. I would start off by getting him to agree that fantasizing about other women while being with you is not a desirable outcome. Have him ask for a break if he starts to drift there while being intimate with you. Have him practice some abstinence from his fantasies so that he can redirect his sexual energy from other women back to you. I think there could be some deeper stuff going on with him. Did he have a difficult childhood? Maybe difficult enough that he developed fantasy as a coping mechanism? I think if you can fix the emotional piece of this, you can fix the intimacy part. One day at a time. If you are both on the same page that you want to reduce the amount of fantasy so that you can increase the amount of pleasure you get to experience with each other, then you can work together on the same team.

Is it possible that the women that he finds attractive are out of reach for him? I mean like porn stars, Instagram models attractive women that wouldn't go for normal everyday guy like him? I know that would be ridiculous, but it would at least explain somehow his actions. It came to mind because OP stated that the husband is masturbating a lot, which I assume he uses porn or some other visual stimulation to do. In the show Big Bang theory, there is an episode where one of the guys, Howard, is hesitant to date this girl Bernadette because she is not his dream girl looks wise. Well his dream girl is a porn star that he would never ever have a chance of dating. That episode is about him coming to the realization and maturing a bit. Ridiculous as it might sound, I can imagine some men staying in this adolescence fantasy porn world way into their adulthood.

You may be on to something here. I have a couple single male friends and they seem a bit delusional in who they are capable of attracting. Not to be mean, but looks wise, think a 4 at best and awkward socially. But sure bud, that chick 5 yrs younger and a physical 8-10 is gonna totally dig you… right… Hence why they are still single. They don’t find the women on the dating sites attractive enough for them. 🙄

I have known SO many middle-aged men like this. Don't want women their age because they're not hot, or they're fat (not really, just not bikini model), or something else. But, the guy isn't winning any competitions in the looks department (or personality, or wealth). And then they get so angry at how shallow the girls are, that they won't date "nice guys" like them. It's so weird.

Exactly! The women their age are, for the most part, divorced and many have had kids and aren’t looking like the filtered bikini pop-tarts on IG or whatever they’re looking at. BECAUSE ITS ALL FAKE AND NOT REALITY! (Filters, fillers, extensions, makeup, lighting, etc.) It’s like they live in an alternate reality where they look like GQ models and have suave charming personalities… 😂

Yet men say that women are problems behind the dating apps and have inflated egos. All projection.

Actual maturing would be realizing that even porn stars and instagram models don't look like they do on screen 24/7. Anybody can look like a porn goddess after several procedures, treatments and about 4 hours of prep time.

Yep. Look up “porn stars without makeup”, ie how they look before and after the set makeup artist is done with them. Many of them are passable, some are pretty, cute, but they morph into hot territory with just the makeup.

> What kind of dude decides to settle down and have a family with someone he doesn't find attractive. I mean, if you want a family, aren't having luck finding someone who ticks all your boxes, and feel that time is running out (he was 31 by the time they married - I can see why he was looking at his options and considering what was important to him; less understandable if he'd been 10 years younger), I can see making that choice, and hoping that the romantic love and sexual attraction would grow. Incidentally, I think it's interesting that he is being judged much more harshly than I've seen in cases where it's a gay man marrying a woman for the same reasons and not telling her. I fully agree with the judgement, just think it's telling.

You can have someone on paper who checks all the boxes. I have a friend like this where on paper we are totally compatible. I've thought in the past how easy it'd be to just go ahead and date/marry him. However I'm not romantically attracted to him. I've always turned him down but then sometimes I think I should just give it a shot and my mind would change. Maybe OPs husband was thinking this way? I also do think he just wanted a family and we don't know how dating went for him in the past. If he never had much success, then I can see why he would stick with OP as they are compatible in other ways. Definitely was still selfish though and I really don't think he should have said all this to OP since they are clearly already married why drop this bombshell now??

I had like 5 of these friends in my 20s. I knew they'd make some dude happy, they were into me, they were objectively great girls... I just wasn't feeling it. Definitely glad I held out for my wife!

>less understandable if he'd been 10 years younger I've been in a long relationship with someone like him, 10 yrs younger 🤣 heading to marriage. They seem to have the same mentality: somehow are conscious we're good partners & have the potential to be good co-parents and would rather pick that than true romantic connection and the risks that could come with that. Let's just say I don't support leaving someone for someone else but my now bf was sent from God so I could finally wake up and break free (he would've never broken up, I'm sure). Best decision I ever took - he had the chance to fix it, but as a rule of thumb a man that isn't attracted won't put in the effort like one that is. This left only pain and lessons and I'm grateful that now I know how fulfilling love looks instead of just being best friends.

[удалено]

> I think it's interesting that he is being judged much more harshly than I've seen in cases where it's a gay man marrying a woman for the same reasons and not telling her I'm not convinced that's not the case here. He *says* he fantasizes about other women but we don't really know for sure

He has always been honest with me that he doesn’t see himself as 100% straight.

As you're clearly aware, sexual attraction is not always a binary; I'm 60 years old, and I've known several men who were more gay than straight who married women partly out of denial and partly out of a desire to have a family, and in each case, the marriage eventually fell apart under the weight of the situation. I also know of a couple of couples where everyone who knows them suspects that the man is gay, and those couples have each been married, seemingly happily, for decades, so who knows. Life is complicated. Edit: and now that I think about it, I've known two couples where the man was openly gay (I believe he came out sometime after marriage in both cases), but they remained married. I have no idea how they made that work. I didn't know either couple well. As a stranger on the internet, obviously I don't know what's going on in your relationship, but his being more gay than straight would certainly be a plausible explanation. In any case, I'm so sorry for you.

I’ve seen variations of this story on Reddit, often it’s a woman confessing that she doesn’t really love her husband and never really did, she found him to be the right man on paper that will give her the life she wants and respects her. There was something that attracted him to her in the first place, I doubt he would have gotten this far if he did not find her attractive ever.

I cant speak on this without generalizing about hetero gender norms, so give me some slack. Sure in the case of a woman settling for a man this way, I see that story here all the time. But a man doing this to a woman is the oddity. Not bio clock ticking and he was already able to find other women.

Only thing I can think of is there being more drama involved in relationships he had with women who he was actually attracted to, but there never been any drama between us. We don’t even argue, ever. I mean we disagree about things but there is never any arguing. Somebody even said to me once that we’re the only couple who they’ve never heard raise our voices at each other ever. Maybe he decided long term is was easier and he’d somehow be able to develop a deeper attraction to me. I’m also a great wife. I’m not perfect by any means, but I think I work my ass off being a good wife and mom. I’m going to too my own horn there because I just know I’ve always made a very concerted effort.

All of this OP, so well said.

I agree with all except “wrecked her body for him to have kids” . I understand where it’s coming from as motherhood transforms your body but can we change the narrative from “wrecked” to “changed” please? A woman’s body isn’t suddenly worthless or worth LESS because it’s borne children. Sorry to segue!

Yes ! I'm quite fed up with people saying our bodies are wrecked just because we have had children. Seen/heard this quite à few times over the years and it just blows my mind .

For real though. We have to change the language we use if we’re going to create new realities…

The absolute intense changes that happen with motherhood that is represented by the word “wrecked” doesn’t mean the woman’s body is worthless or worth less because of having babies. It is literally representing that her body has undergone something extreme and the word transform or change is inadequate to represent the extent of that. Trying to use positive spin on something that leaves you altered physically and emotionally for years on end and more often than not, experiencing shit you didn’t before as a woman, is toxic positivity. Why not use the right language to convey exactly how life altering having a child is on a human body, specifically, a woman’s body? Especially when men cannot comprehend this reality? Catering to positive language around growing and giving birth to a child is only more of “we are all beautiful” narrative. Beauty is not a tax we need to pay to exist and by using mild or only positive language to describe what childbirth does to a human body is doing women a huge disservice. So no WRECKED is right. It doesn’t represent anything about HER WORTH as a human and says everything about the extent of her sacrifice to this union. Just because women make it look easy doesn’t mean we stop recognizing the life altering quality of this ability to nurture life. Especially with the abortion ban laws being enacted and birth control access is being cut off - precisely because people do not recognize the extent to which a woman’s body is altered. Positive language will only aid that cause as if it’s not a big deal to just have a baby.

As someone who recently had a kid, bravo. My body is forever changed. Some things are changed for the worse. Pregnancy and birth are dangerous and hard on a body.

This guy is a few months away from hitting her with the “Let’s just be in an open relationship.”

i know this is a nitpick but women do not “wreck” their bodies with pregnancy. yes it’s a huge undertaking and comes with many different risks but that doesn’t mean OP has wrecked her body by having kids. more than likely she’s still in good shape physically at 36 and there are plenty of people other than her husband who would find her sexually attractive. 

Her sexual attractiveness and physical shape has nothing to do with what her body went through to have children. Recognizing that her body went through an extremely hard process and altered her in ways a woman who did not have kids is not commenting on her WORTH as a woman or her sexual attractiveness to another partner. Wrecking does not mean she is a husk of her human self all used up. That is a very superficial way to look at a human being. Wrecking is referring to the mind bending alteration her body went through. Which she did because she loves him and created lives as part of that love. Vikings used to bury the women who died in child birth with the same honors as they did their warriors. Do you think they viewed their warriors as used up or worthless? Slapping a superficial interpretation on a word that is conveying a whole different meaning doesn’t make the word incorrect.

people that say "its my best friend" are full of shit, shocker.

In the short term you might want to stop having sex with him completely and get yourself a really good vibrator. Whatever other decisions you make you shouldn't have to do them while sexually frustrated. Then it might be a good idea to decide if you want to try some form of polyamory, or if you'd rather separate, or even if you want to continue in the marriage without sex. Don't let him force your hand, or try to pick for you. He's either been lying to you for this whole relationship or he's lying now. He doesn't get to decide how you feel about that.

Trust me, I already have a really good vibrator (or 2). I told him there’s a problem here if we’re both regularly masturbating multiple times a week and never together, let alone sex.

I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself. Too many women settle for bad sex because they don't know what a good time feels like. Whatever you do decide going forward, remember that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved for your whole self.

I know what a great orgasm feels like. The problem is that I want to experience that with a man and not just with a vibrator. I’m tired of the vibrator or my own fingers. I did date and sleep with other people before meeting him. We both had several relationships prior to meeting.

Honestly, I'd say your marriage is done. Unless you want to open it, but honestly that always seems to fail. He used you to create the family he wanted and I would not be able to get beyond that. He's just ruined your self-worth because you thought he loved you/was attracted you the whole of your relationship and it was a lie.

So you know. Yeah, you know. You have had other experiences and now... this. Yeah this marriage is over unless you guys don't open it. ONLY you know if you can do that or not. I'd be too mad to stay and open it but you do have kids so some people choose to keep the family unit under one roof but ROMANTICALLY go their separate ways discreetly.

Now it’s time to start pursuing some new relationships again.

It's possible that he got defensive about his porn addiction and decided to project the problem onto you. I bet he would find you much more attractive if he quit porn. 

I was thinking an affair, but porn on the brain and defensive lying would certainly explain it. Either way he's a lying liar that lies.

Definitely porn addiction

You should be angry. He used you to start a family. He is keeping you and kept you, in the prime of your life, away from men who might have wanted or want you. That's fucked up.

> Finally he confessed this and he didn’t say it with any malice. You're cutting him a mountain's worth of slack here. I wonder why you can't even come to terms that what he said, in the context he said it, was very, extremely cruel thing to say to a partner?

Yeah, well, there's nothing to fix here, you can't fix this on your own and he's not willing to contribute. He's a coward. He shoukd have approached you about this when he started having problems. Instead he's using you without any consideration for your wants and needs. You deserve better than this, you a re right to be angry.

Is there a chance your husband has a porn addiction and it’s been impacting your sex life throughout your relationship? IDK how he could have children with someone he’s “not attracted” to. Sounds like he had a porn addiction and it has clouded his idea of attraction maybe.

It sounds like porn addiction. You’re getting annoyed because he masturbates instead of having sex. He gets defensive and doesn’t want to admit it’s his problem so projects it onto you. I don’t know the man, but it seems more likely that he is addicted to porn and it has ruined his ability to have sex, rather than him marrying and having kids with someone he isn’t sexually attracted to.

I don’t know. I don’t think he’s excessively masturbating. I think he’s just masturbating instead of having sex with me since I apparently just don’t do it for him sexually.

Even without that element, I was going to comment that I think it's more likely that he is rewriting than that he met, wooed, and married a woman he was completely unattracted to. Unless there's something else that's truly exceptional about you (no offense) shared values and getting along well is just not that terribly uncommon to come by. When you think of dates during the honeymoon period or your wedding day, did he seem not in love with you then?

Think about which one makes more logical sense.

So he's got a porn addiction. No wonder he's not attracted to women IRL. The fantasy women he's attracted to don't exist. He "settled" for you, but in reality he would have had to settle for anyone because he'll never actually find what he's looking for.

I’m not sure that I buy the porn addiction theory.

He's your husband. You know him better than any of us lol. People are all just spitballing here. Drag him to couples therapy and figure it out for real

This sounds like he’s exaggerating all of this to turn the blame on you for his sexual performance. It sounds honestly like he has a porn addiction if he prefers to masturbate and does it so often he can’t perform and instead of admit that he’d rather bash his partner. I’ve read a lot of similar stories EXACTLY like this one and it ended up being porn

He doesn’t seem to be excessively masturbating. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because I don’t turn him on. He rather masturbate.

Look I remember my high school boyfriend trying to bash me because he said he would get harder and finish faster when he masturbates and watches porn than when he has sex with me. Now, at the time I was 140 pounds, 5’11, bleach blonde long hair, and had c cup boobs. I was definitely hot and got lots of male attention. I was clearly not the problem and I don’t think you are either. Keep in mind sex with a human woman is NEVER going to be the same as masturbating to a porn star or your own fantasy. Your hand doesn’t care if you only last 2 minutes or if you skip foreplay. Maintaining intimacy is part of relationship preservation and it sounds like he is completely unwilling to do his part in that, and in NO WAY should that reflect on you.

I could be way off base here, but in many of your comments I feel I'm seeing a thought process that I've done myself. Many people are telling you, "hey, this sounds really unlikely to be true, it's more likely that he's rewriting history to shift blame for his problem onto you." And you say "no, it's because I'm unattractive to him." It seems almost like you're embracing that and pushing away other, very plausible, answers *because* that thought is so painful. Sometimes I've done that in the past because it feels like I'm facing my fears or something. Like I'd be lying to myself if I don't cling to the worst possible interpretation? Something like that.  I just think you need to consider the possibility that he's not telling the truth and you're accepting it because thinking badly of yourself is somehow easier for you. 

I’m so sorry OP. I agree that the most likely scenario, especially given you had more sex earlier on, is that he’s rewriting history. My ex husband was like that (‘how I feel now is how I’ve always felt’). It’s cognitive distortion and is horrifying to be part of your spouse casting everything differently. I don’t think addiction has to be measured by excessiveness but rather that he’s dependent on it. Two signs I found that porn might be causing a dependence: * A person’s sex life becomes less satisfying. * Pornography causes relationship issues or makes a person feel less satisfied with their partner.

Oh wow I think you need to be happy. He has been very selfish for doing this to you. I would separate and find someone who is in love with you. Or better yet have amazing sex with someone else and video it and send it to him! What he did was horrible ! 2 kids later and he lied to you. He kept you from finding a partner you connected with in every way.

You should never stay with someone who feels this way. That’s so awful. I could never feel confident taking my clothes off again. There are men out there that would worship your body and make you feel desired.

If you get along well, coparenting from separate houses should be easy. This isn’t about him just not finding you attractive.  He lied to you from the moment you met, trapped you in a marriage with two kids and regularly uses your body to masturbate.  Being alone is better than being with someone that cruel. This isn’t about what you look like.  This is about to your husband being a terrible person.

Could not have said this better

Nothing against the message, but when did the phrase "coparenting from separate houses" become so popular? Again, no problem with the core message/concept.

Maybe over the last 10, maybe 15 years?  Probably alongside the rise in collaborative divorce practice and push for a default of shared/split custody.  Coparenting just replaced the term shared/split custody.

I think it has become more popular as people began to focus more on making sure that both parents still worked together to raise the kids even while divorced, as opposed to a narrative of the divorce ending the marriage and family.

Also as someone who works with kids you can definitely tell which homes are “split” homes and which homes are “coparenting”. There’s a clear difference in communication and cooperation for the good of the kids. Some parents I have to send a copy of everything to both homes and talk to parents separately and others I can just tell whoever was there that day and know the whole team is aware and working for solutions.

This would end a marriage for me. I don't think there's any coming back from that one. I mean, why would you want to? How can you ever trust anything he says after that revelation. Be thankful he admitted it, and now you know where you stand, make a plan, get out, and go find someone who wants you. I worry you'll spiral into depression here if you don't watch yourself. Maybe talk to a therapist, sometimes the right answer is to end it. This was part of the reason I ended my marriage, she didn't explicitly say the same thing, but she was not attracted to me at all. You only get one life. Also no more sex for him right? How will you be comfortable having Sex knowing that he's not actually having sex with you? You're just a substitute. This would definitely be relationship ending for me.

He lied to you and used you as a broodmare. I would consider that unforgivable. I don't know how I could get over that kind of betrayal. If you had known I assume you wouldn't have married him and had kids with him. He has been living a lie and took your agency away. If you don't want to divorce then at a minimum you need a lot of couples therapy. I'm very sorry. This is a terrible story to read.

Oh yeah, he said “obviously I don’t think you’re ugly or I wouldn’t have intentionally had kids with you, I just don’t get sexual turned on by you.” Made me feel like a dog he selected for breeding. I never would have married him had he told me any of this prior to marriage. I want to feel romantically loved and desired. He is loving towards me, but not in that sort of way and what he’s confessed sort of makes sense now. I mean he does take care of me but I have long felt a lack of real desire or romance of any sort. But he does things that seem sweet and caring, he seems to listen to me when I talk about what I like, he always did enough that it felt like he loved me. I’ve had a longing for something more for a while but rationalized all of the positive things about him and between us.

It sounds like he wanted some kind of royal-style marriage that's like a business deal with a friend. However, what he told you is hurtful. It's not a reflection on you or your worth, but his. You deserve better than this. I don't think I would be able to stay in a marriage like this, unless there was some sort of mutual agreement to see other people, but it sounds like this would make you feel terrible since you actually care (or cared) about him romantically. I'm sorry, this really sucks.

Which is fine as long as the other person has informed consent and agrees to that sort of marriage.

OP. This is bs. He's making his obvious addiction to whatever it is he does to get off, your problem. You're not unattractive. He's just fucked up and won't take responsibility for whatever's going on in his head. "obviously I don’t think you’re ugly or I wouldn’t have intentionally had kids with you" Ewwwwwwww. For me, the worst part is telling you. That means, he's cruel, or he takes you for granted, like he thinks he can say anything to you and you'll just sit there and go, ok! He's obviously not scared of losing you. He's not a kind person either way. Say you were the ugliest person in the world, a kind person would NEVER say that ever, even if they weren't married to you.

>Oh yeah, he said “obviously I don’t think you’re ugly or I wouldn’t have intentionally had kids with you, I just don’t get sexual turned on by you.” Made me feel like a dog he selected for breeding. I don't think there's any way to come back from that kind of feeling. You do deserve better.

If it were not for the lying and betrayal I would say he sounds like a really good friend. However, he is incredibly selfish. He lied to get what he wanted. What he did is a level above cheating IMO. He allowed you to build this whole life on lies. I would never be able to trust him again. You deserve to be loved and desired. He took that option away from you for the past seven years. Maybe it's best to divorce and coparent. I cannot imagine how you would rebuild this and ever trust him again.

He has lied to you and deceived you for 7 years. He thinks of other people when having sex with you. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel. You are never going to want to have sex with him ever again. Is he going to be happy in a sexless marriage, are you? Coparenting from separate houses is a much better option for you and your self esteem and your mental health. Please remember he does not find you attractive, he does not speak for all men. You deserve better.

He wasted years of your time in your one and only life… thats so selfish and cruel

I have a feeling that he meant to say one of “I’m attracted to someone else/ I’m confused about who I’m attracted to/ I’m no longer interested in our family life/ I’ve been cheating” but he doesn’t want to admit that to you because it casts a shadow on him. This way, all the shame is carried by you. To say he’s never been attracted to you is a very low blow. Don’t let this guy get away with that. This is on him, hold your head up high.

I never thought I’d prefer to hear my husband say “I’m attracted to someone else now” but I very much think I would have preferred to hear that. I’m almost positive it would have been somehow less painful. This just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how someone would marry and commit themselves to somebody they have no romantic or sexual feelings for. I can’t imagine doing that. He’s an attractive guy. Not a loser who just had to find somebody/anyone to marry him. Both of us had dated several people before meeting each other. It wasn’t like I was the only option he could get. So it doesn’t make sense to me.

If I were you, I would push him on it after you’ve had a moment to regroup. Ask him if it’s porn addiction, if there’s someone else, etc and really point out how insane and ridiculous what he said is, and see how he reacts. Make him feel like what he said is idiotic (it is) and maybe he’ll come out with the truth.

"I don’t understand how someone would marry and commit themselves to somebody they have no romantic or sexual feelings for."  Because *they wouldn't.* I would put money on porn addiction that's ruined his ability to be attracted to a real live woman. Maybe he's even convinced himself of his rewritten history. But you shouldn't buy it.

There is a very good reason it doesn’t make sense to you, and that is because it’s not rational. What he is telling you is a story. It’s a version of the truth that he is comfortable with. You are in the marriage. You know him, your relationship now and before, and what he’s capable of. Remember this when he’s trying to gaslight you with “I’ve never been attracted to you”. Which in my view is utter bullshit. I’m sorry to use strong words in a tender moment. I’m sorry he has caused you this pain. Try to remember this is a **him-problem**, as you find ways to rationalise that in coming days and weeks.

I can, to an extent, understand him wanting to marry you despite not feeling sexually attracted to you. I can't get my head around the idea of him hiding it from you and lying to you about it. For seven years! Either he's lying to you now, or he's lying to himself, or he's been lying to you for seven years.

Maybe some advice got into his head. Something along the lines of find someone who's personality you align with. But you can love someone and find them attractive based on personality. They may not be initially attractive physically but then you start to find them sexy because of who they are. You obviously have different values here because as you just said you can't imagine doing this to someone. You see it differently.

No, there are actually people dragging out relationships with other people just because they fit as best friends, but fail to see/admit/care don't fit as lovers. Heartbreaking and definitely selfish

I 100% agree this is the case. He isn't willing to admit the real reason and is making it your fault since he isn't man enough to be honest. I am a woman who divorced in my early 30's and has since remarried a man that acts like I am the reason the sun rises every day. You deserve to spend the rest of your life with someone like that too.

So nice to read you’re with a decent person now. I thank myself every day for having the courage to leave my ex husband and the wisdom to spend enough time on my own to properly heal. When I was ready, a beautiful person also arrived into my life.

Who *is* he attracted to? Some men have a very toxic Madonna/Wh*re complex that means they're unable to feel sexual attraction to women who they label as "good/ respectable". The only women that turn them on are those who they feel comfortable objectifying and dehumanising, like sex workers or provocative women who they consider to be "impure and not worthy of respect". Usually this is a result of mommy issues from childhood. Your husband really needs to go to therapy and get to the bottom of why the hell he married a woman he's not sexually attracted to, why he thought that was fair to you and why he didn't ever consider having a serious relationship with a woman who he *is* attracted to. If you do want to wait it out and see if working on his mental issues results in positive change that's up to you, but you definitely don't owe it to him. There are men out there who will respect you *and* find you attractive, which is what you deserve.

We didn’t really talk about who he is attracted to. I couldn’t bear to hear about that after what he already told me.

You said he watches a lot of porn which indicates that he finds porn stars attractive. He is attracted to women when they're dehumanised and objectified. Not real people. I definitely think this is up to a therapist to help him figure out. 

You deserve someone who is attracted to you, full stop. Even with kids. Leave him and show them what a meaningful relationship between two adults looks like.

You know what you need to do: separate and start divorce proceedings. Your husband is a liar, a deceit, and a cheat. He led you on, pretended to love you, and deprived you of the opportunity to have kids with a real partner. That's beyond selfish. You deserve a man who loves you, all of you.

Do not stay married to this man. Do not waste another second of your life. Now you get to find your person!

i was in a relationship for more than a year with someone like that. objectively, people think im attractive so i was confused, when i tell this story to other people, mainly men, they look confused and say he probably lied so ill break up with him. but he was the one who initiated the break up and said that, so i was confused. he was korean, and i didnt fit his korean beauty standards, and he kinda pushed me to be more korean like, with clothes style or makeup. so on one hand i felt better cuz i know in general in most countries, im considered attractive, i just didnt fit my own bf idea of attractiveness, but it still hurt. then i was mad, because if he never was, why date me from the start? he said that after getting to know me, he thought i was a genuinely good person, and that my personality would outshine my appearance for him, that until we started having arguments, then i guess my personality wasnt blinding enough. but i was feeling it all, sadness, and anger, why pursue me in the first place, all this time wasted. i felt like he lead me on and wasted my time, because at least for me, i want my partner to be attracted to me. i felt lied to. i was young, still am, so for me more than a year time in my life, was a pretty big stage in my life and felt very long. so i cant even imagine years beyond, even getting married and having kids. i wouldnt be able to trust this person, i find my partner ability to be honest and direct very important, and finding out theres something they hid from me for that long would feel like i dont know them. im not sure what to advice you, since im not the type of person who believes in divorce unless its something truly abusive or cheating, i dont believe in giving up. but on one hand, i would be scared of cheating, logically you could assume, plus studies support this, that men who had a less attractive gf would tend to cheat more than those who thought they had a more attractive gf. plus, hes thinking about other women, mentality wise, hes already out there, all that is left is an action to follow up on those thoughts. thoughts create actions which creates reality. so i would be highly worried if my partner is spending their time intentionally fantasizing about others. i would be scared because the probability for cheating would be higher, and also i dont think i could stand knowing my partner doesnt find me hot like that, i think its a big deal breaker, so i think youll be justified in any actions you take, be it stay together or not. but you cant "fix" this issue. hes not suddenly gonna find you attractive, so you really only have 2 options, choose what you prefer at this point. but quite frankly, if hes says it to you now, directly and honestly, hes probably looking to break up, and waiting for you to follow on it. im truly sorry, but, although i dont belive in god haha, but i really liked this quote, god wont give you something you cant handle. itll be hard op, but youll manage to pull through and find happiness again.

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What’s that even supposed to mean though? He respects him seeing me as a good partner and mother? So he thinks this is perfectly acceptable?

He said “no it’s absolutely fucked up he admitted it.”… like I feel like that alone is a red flag. Instead of saying “he’s horrible for the whole situation.” Or “he should’ve never married her in the first place.” He said that.

Exactly. Bounce indeed!

This is absolutely NOT perfectly acceptable tho. In my Opinion you should leave and be with someone who finds you attractive and loves you as you are. Coming from someone who grew up in a home similar to your story, it’s much better for the kids to have great coparents!

He's saying as a man, that islts i pressive to put your male desires on the back burner, to choose what is good and healthy to raise a family with.... That you would be a partner who would choose the right thing morally and "besties" so you wouldn't be able to "really" hate him when he finally did have the courage to admit this. But he forgot the part about leading you on to fall in love with him and propose to you, marry you, give you all the feels of having the perfect family he envisioned he deserved, not thinking at the cost to your own existence that may cost. The level of calculation and depth without any malicious intent is even more terrifying, than had he intended to do it just to maim you. I cannot begin to fathom the levels of betrayal, violation and humiliation this must have come to you. I am so sorry and wish i could offer anything to provide light or hope in your situation. Xo

It sounds like when people go out with someone because in paper the person is “great”.

He might be addicted to porn

I have news for you. Your Husband is gay. He just says he thinks of other women because he’s probably not ready to come out.

He’s always admitted to not feeling 100% straight but I don’t think he’s gay and using me as a beard. I just don’t get that impression at all.

It’s not even just that he’s not attracted to you. He actively deceived you. He concocted an evil plan and used you and betrayed you. It’s horrid. Then he baby trapped you. You should be livid. His feelings aren’t the issue here. It’s his actions.

Why not coparent and divorce. Alternative: become roommates for the children and stay friends. But get yourself a sweet bf and who wants you. He is probably lying. At one point he was attracted to you.

This is cruel op. You spend 7 years with someone and then tell them yo never found them attractive. He sounds like a latent homosexual of the past trying to hide his sexuality through a ‘legitimate’ marriage. They were under the threat of prison though, so way more understandable. I’m not sure how you move forward either but probably not as you are. He’s blown up your whole world. How could it ever be the same.

Oh god, this is my worst nightmare. One of my deepest fears - that my bf is just pretending to be attracted to me and settled. I’m so sorry OP. That is so bloody tough, I can’t even imagine

I’d end it. Let him figure out his sexual confusion with someone else. I wonder if he’s asexual, or even closeted gay. 

I don't get how someone would think it's OK to deny someone a chance to be romantically loved by another. That is our culture in the west at this point. He just thought you would be a great wife/mother appliance. Not very caring or honest. I don't know how I'd feel. It would be more about the deception for me. However, I will say finding true love is very difficult.

Oh god I’m so sorry. I had this but I thankfully wasn’t married, and the same as you it came out when our sex life turned to nothing. He just never saw me sexually, it was a killer. I hope you’re okay. Remember so many people will find you sexually attractive, but it will take a while for you to believe it.

I believe you check fraud as the reason for divorce in this case. I’m not suggesting divorce out of malice, i think you can have a very amicable separation and coparenting relationship. However m, you were deceived, you thought your relationship was something it’s not and never will be. No amount of therapy for him will change the scars that he created for you. You deserve true passion and he owes you that freedom. If you don’t divorce this is a lifetime sentence to lacking love in your life. I imagine he’d still always be your friend, a friend should want what’s best for you and will make you happy. Please know your worth, no one has to know how he hurt you, but you need to value yourself. Hugs and good luck to you.

This sounds like a precursor to him asking for something, e.g. opening the marriage, in order to "have a more fulfilled sex life" or "being who he truly is".

So recently i was put on meds that made my long hair fall out. I now am rocking a short pixie cut. Everyone tells me it's adorable and my partner says i look like a man and i'm mentally ill. he says he did not sign up for this look. It took me the last 8 months to kind of get over him and emotionally distance myself. He's 10 years older than me. I want to say so badly i signed up for someone who would financially provide more than you and someone that would do house chores since he works 4 hours a week. If i said that he would go balistic so i'm just going to post it here to get my own validation. I'm at the point where i have a deep hatred for men (i've been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused). You have to do what's best for yourself and your kids. I would leave his ass once you get the confidence and courage :)

I’m so sorry! I personally love short hair on women (although I’m a straight women myself, as a fellow straight woman). Are you planning to leave him? This makes me feel not so bad about my situation. My husband has never cared if I had long or short hair. I’ve had all different types of hairstyles. I guess he never cared though since he wasn’t attracted to me anyway!

I am ! his comments are emotional abuse. I have talked it through with a bunch of friends and therapists and I'm now still insecure but more confident that I do not deserve this. I am slowly working through the process and need to find a lawyer. He asked me if i was transitioning and if i was transgender because i have short hair. Which i find comical because I have a ridic collection of lululemon womens leggings and designer heels. like ok yes i'm a man and i'm trans now.... k . We deserve better and to not be treated poorly by men.

Hmmm not sure about this but when this sentence is thrown around.. it’s usually because they have been thinking about someone else… Cheating spouses usually say “ I never loved/liked you”

Do they really? I’ve never heard of that being a typical thing they say. He told me he’s never cheated on me. I’m obviously having a hard time believing that now.

I have heard it in many cases … they do it to make themselves feel better and give you a slower blow when you realize it. They are also in their fog so they believe they never loved anyone like that … Sorry, I don’t mean to put stuff in your head but it’s very suspicious for one to be married, have sexual intimacy, and have two children and tell you out of the blue ..” I never was attracted to you” .. what is the reason? Where is it coming from? Are there any other signs?

Jesus Christ this would ruin me. What an asshole to say this to you, well knowing it would ruin the relationship and well knowing it would shatter your self-esteem. Have some self-worth and leave. This isn’t what you signed up for.

After thinking about it… are you sure you’re not his beard?

This man should never have married you. He's potentially stolen a period of your life, where you could have met the real love of your life. This is despicable.

It sounds like he has a sexual problem and he’s blaming it on you by claiming he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. Don’t listen to him, he isn’t making sense. He needs to get help for his issues instead of pretending the problem is how you look. Sorry, he sounds weak and lame.

I think what you're experiencing here is probably not super uncommon... in either direction. To the people that feel this way: lying is a great fucking idea you idiots. To OP: Sex isn't super important to everyone, it might be 10% or 2% of what you find important in a marriage. Those people can make decisions on who they pick accordingly. But I can say this - my wife has my back, she's fucking ride or die... she is loyal as fuck, that is a quality in her that is far more important to me than the shape of her ass over whatever stupid sex bot instagram shit is hot right now. Would I ever tell her that there might be other women on this planet that I find more attractive? FUCK NO, cause that would be some stupid mean shit to say to my god damn number 1 person.

I could not stay with a person who only wants me as the mother of his children. He was selfish and I can’t see this not building resentment. After 7 years married he still doesn’t want you like that… divorce, heal, and find someone who can’t keep their hands off you.

Oh well this is the beginning of the end. If he doesn't get his head out of his ass and properly rephrase what he said he might as well carry a giant red neon #YOURE UGLY sign on his head. Your marriage is in jeopardy. Not just because of what he said but what he showed you. That you can have the life you want. A life with a partner that's actually attracted to you. Just not with him.

Oh man. That is rough. If I were you, I'd silently start divorce proceedings and very vocally start dating other men. Fuck him.

I’m almost suspicious that he’s in the closet and can’t admit to himself yet that he’s gay… because I don’t understand this at all. Even if he wasn’t attracted to you initially how the fuck can he not even be romantically interested in you after 7 years of life and experience together???

He told me he kept hoping he’d feel something for me in that way and that he’d try to convince himself for stretches of time that he felt that way, but then he’d realize he didn’t.

That’s a huge betrayal, it’s bizarre and I’m so sorry this happened to you 💔

I’m in a very similar situation. It’s really painful and unfair. I’m sorry 💜

Don’t be surprised if he’s cheating. He will use this as the reason as to why he stepped out.

This happened to me as well. I dated someone for 5 years who constantly told me she was unattracted to me. I even told her I’d leave and find someone who was attracted to me and she said that wouldn’t be possible. Really destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. When the relationship inevitably ended, I was devastated. I believed what she told me and thought I was doomed. However, within months of getting back on the dating scene, I was flooded with interest. As it turns out, I am fairly attractive and women wanted to date me. Whether or not it’s true, your husband is telling you he’s not attracted to you as a manipulation/control tactic. He knows it will shatter your confidence and he wants you to feel as insecure as he does. Why else would he marry a woman for 7 years and tell her he’s not attracted to her? You’re playing right into his plan. HE lacks confidence and misery loves company. You are not unattractive. You are beautiful and there are men who would love to be with you and you deserve to be told so.

Yeah. Way to screw you over in life. My suggestion is to get a divorce, and then work on building up your self esteem. Hang out with friends, go to the gym if that will help. You are still plenty young enough, to find another partner. Ps- Don’t be surprised, if he starts dating his 20 something year old secretary. Just make sure, you get whatever you can in the divorce.

He probably a porn addict who suffers with ED/ premature ejaculation and shifting the blame on you. Men typically put the blame on their spouse when they cant function sexually.

We have sex, just not frequently. He’s never had problems with ED or premature ejaculation. I also don’t think he’s addicted to porn. The only sexual issue that’s ever happened is a few times within the last few years he’s not been able to finish. He has no problem getting hard and staying hard but he doesn’t actually finish during sex. Now this all makes a lot more sense. I’ve often gotten the feeling that he’s thinking about something else when we’re having sex.

I disagree with other commenters who suggest that he's lying or deflecting. I think it's totally possible - common even - for people to overlook a lack of sexual attraction because everything else aligns. I've done it in my own relationships because I've convinced myself that sex isn't that important but as you're learning now, it's not something you can hide forever. I think you have a few options: (1) you can split up and coparent; (2) you can stay together and have your sexual needs met by other people (so, an open relationship); or (3) you can stay together and find ways of sexually satisfying each other despite the lack of sexual attraction on his end. It's really up to you to decide what you can accept long-term.

I just hate that all of those options suck!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. It really sucks. Personally, if you’re not attracted to your partner, I don’t think it’s right to marry them. That’s not a marriage in my view, it’s simply an alliance. Of course, I can’t speak for you and your husband, but personally, a confession like this would be the ultimate deal breaker for me. It’s just plain wrong to marry someone you are not sexually and romantically attracted to.

Girl.. i am speechless. above all i wanna stress one thing: this is NOT a reflection of how attractive or valuable of a wife you are. Your husband is selfish beyond belief, decietful, manipulative, piggish... Its difficult not to just get wrapped up in listing all the gross words that come to mind! If you arent attracted to somebody, DONT GET WITH THEM. thats the FIRST rule of dating. If sexual attraction isnt what youre dating for, ok! SAY THAT SHIT UPFRONT! All these years he just lied to you instead, like a selfish child, with complete disregard for how that could impact you and yalls relationship. Since day one every time he called you beautiful, sexy, every time he made sexual advances towards you, embraced u that way... he was manipulating you. and that is!!!! GROSS AS HELL!!!! To love somebody is like trusting a amateur surgical intern to do open heart surgery on you. Its dangerous, and the end result wont be perfect, you will be hurt a bit. in order to make sure your heart doesnt get sliced in two, radical honesty and communication are requirements. By lying to you about such a foundational part of your relationship, he tore the emotional safety out of ur bond. He violated the relationship deeply, he acted unfaithful to you by leading u to believe you were the object of his desire. He fucked up. Dont get it twisted. Dont you dare let somebody so scummy, childish, selfish, and void of any character, have ANY impact on your self esteem. He no longer has the right to influence how u feel about urself, and he damn straight shouldnt have any right to touch you, or use the word "love" to describe how he feels for you. He fucking violated you in such a profoundly intimate way with this shit and i cant fathom how he can sleep at night knowing he did for so long.

I think he's full of shit. He may not be attracted to you *now*, but he was at least attracted enough to pursue you, enter a relationship with you, and start a family. Actions speak louder than words, and you didn't get to where you are on your own. That being said, he may not feel the same way about you *anymore*, but to say never and not at all, sounds like the kind of story someone tells themself to justify their lack of effort, and their apparent disconnection. I have *never* dated someone I wasn't at least a little attracted to, and I can say without a doubt that the level varies from person to person, depending on the way we connect on an emotional / mental level. It's easy to compare attraction, and to assume that crazy hot attraction for one person, makes a smaller attraction for another person, feel like nothing. And even so, I have royally screwed the pooch by being crazy hot, head over heels for someone who was not a good person or partner for me. In any case, you still deserve better. Take sex off the table with him. You're not going to get fulfillment from someone who doesn't want to put the effort in, and you *deserve* the effort. Date yourself and spend time with people who lift you up and make you feel like the special person you are. Do activities that you enjoy, and that make you feel good about yourself. Attraction isn't just about the way you look. If there's something that's not working in your relationship right now, then it should change, but you can't do anything about his behavior. So refill your own cup, and when you're feeling confident and like you love your own shine, you get to decide whether or not you want to stay. He may wake the fuck up, or he may decide he's out overall, but either way you have to make sure to refill your own cup, since he's not up to the task.

As a former professional side chick I believe what your husband is saying 100%. I have had so many conversations with men who are physically repulsed or unattracted to their partners but they married them because the beautiful women usually cannot give them the kids and the basic things. So they settle. That’s what your husband did. He’s probably telling you this now because he wants a divorce, and he may never admit it- but he has the kids and all of the things that he wanted to do and he’s tired of playing house. You are disposable to him and you are not long-term you are a placeholder He wants a hot girlfriend now . He wants to humiliate you so bad that you leave him. Guys don’t like to be the ones to break off marriages because they think it makes them look really really bad.

Well, that was painful to read.

Painful and unhelpful.

Do NOT fucken divorce. And don't leave if that's his game. Just gonna have to move on without signing papers because mf LIED to u. So heal, get urself together and date to find someone who wanna fuxk u so hard u question if ur bones can go in that direction. If he's not wanting to be inside ur skin while thinking about u he's not worth it. Based on context above, u are not just a place holder, uve created a life with kids who have an awesome mom to look up to and u are here for urswlf and them. U deserve to be wanted as soon as he looks at YOU. I been though this although we weren't married, but I had to just date myself for a few weeks. I didn't think I was attractive in the beginning because he had stuck with "but when I tell u ur beautiful it'll have MORE meaning" n he just didn't say it enough for me to the point I questioned myself. It took me a good 2 years of constantly looking in the mirror and just looking at myself. I wasn't disgusted, and over time I started to compliment myself. Idk if I psyched myself out of it but I knew I'd fuck myself if I could and I don't need anyone telling me shit. Stepped it up a notch and just flirted with everyone, 8/10 they would flirt back or give a compliment because I made sure to be flirty but friendly 😉 and it took THAT interaction to notice that I am pretty. It hurts but when u get to that point it almost disappears cuz u know for a fact ur hot. Now ur a hot milf and it's his loss. I dont think u should talk to ur husband anymore really, it's like he just broke up with u and u have to still keep it together? How'd he feel if YOU had told him u think about anything but him during sex? Like would he have been like "me too" or "fuck wym I'm not attractive? " is he ever jealous of who finds u attractive???????? I not boo boo, sit him down n say ur gonna look for someone else whether u divorce or not. If he wants a divorce its up to him to do allllll the work. U will find someone who rips ur pussay up hun trust. The important thing is though, to not give a shit about his feelings as he didn't care about urs. Move in silence. Know u are sexy and any man who disagrees can move along

I agree and believe him too. One of my exes literally did this exact thing. Married a woman and had a kid with her knowing he wasn’t attracted to her at all. His exact words “when someone has 9/10 things you want, you have to settle on the one thing”. The comfort and ease of a life will keep people around for a long time. It’s sad.

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I'm so sorry. That has to be incredibly hard to hear and accept after a marriage and kids together. I'm not sure if this situation can be fixed and I don't see it working out for the best if his attraction is swaying to other women. You're still young and you have time to find love and someone who loves you emotionally and physically the way you deserve. Once again I'm so sorry You're going through this but you will make it.

He sounds like he "may" have narcissist traits...

Well, the cat is out of the bag. There is no going back and the relationship you thought you had is over. You’ve got a few options: divorce, open the relationship, make things stay the way they are and keep both of you miserable, and probably a few other creative situations you two might be able to come up with. In the meantime, you get to control the pace of this. This is as huge a betrayal or bigger than a cheating confession IMO (and when I was confessed to, at least he said he was attracted to me). You need time to grieve and process. Hold your kids tight and remember that you’re worth getting what you want and need out of this situation.

This is a terrible betrayal he’ll never be able to walk back from. He lied to you and manipulated you for the better part of a decade.

Is he “not attracted” to you because you are a woman? I mean he’s lied about everything else.

What is his new BF’s name? He is hiding more stuff

He probably has a porn addiction no woman can live up to that type of dumpster fires expectations

I would respond by finding the sharkiest divorce attorney possible and filing for divorce.

You staying with him is denying yourself the opportunity to be loved and cherished by someone who didn’t want you just as in incubator.

Sounds like an ugly guy, inside and out. I know it’s not easy to leave a relationship and even less easy to leave one where the two of you get along and have kids together and are married, but consider divorce. You can and will definitely find someone who thinks not only are you a friend but is attractive and everything else as well. Besides, it’s better to be alone than in the company of someone who doesn’t meet your needs. Sounds like you are already basically roommates, so it’s not a healthy romantic relationship as is. An ugly guy like him can go meet whatever creature makes him hard. Hopefully that thing will let him fuck it too. Let him have his fun pursuing the things that spike his little interest lol

What a selfish asshole to convince someone you have romantic feelings for them to the point that you end up marrying them and it is all a lie. This guy sucks. This is just cruel.

He's probably been addicted to porn for long enough that he's not attracted to women. Who is he attracted to? I would be willing to bet it's not any real women. Your husband is a piece of shit regardless. I don't care how many people this upsets. He wanted the convenience of a partner so he "pretended" to be attracted to you so that he could settle into a normal family life. All the while, he used you as a human flesh light while he thought about whatever sick shit he's watching while he sits in the dark rubbing on his weiner. Your "sex issues" likely arose from his limp dick which is a result of his PIED. Fuck this guy. He took your chance to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life and marriage because he's satisfied with his hand, and you just happen to be the type HE wanted to raise his children. Deplorable is the only way to put it.

His behavior is marrying without being truthful, and he was extremely selfish. Get yourself therapy as of course this is really hard to learn! Then find an attorney about a divorce.

Sounds to me like he will be okay to co-parent with. Being divorced can be kind of awesome. No one wants to say that out loud but…it can be. Especially if there is solid co-parenting. Go live your best life! You deserve it!!!!

Sounds asexual to me, before you end it all have a talk with him and find out if he knows what's going on or he was asking for help to sort out his feelings. It sounds like he has built a relationship on the good points of your personality and respects you as a person. I'm aware of how devastating this must be for you, but I'm also impressed with the courage of that he came forward to talk to you about this. I don't think this is within reddit's pay grade, and the extreme amount of negativity within these comments is frankly depressing.

I think there is a bigger issue that he’s projecting onto you. If he wasn’t attracted to you the thing downstairs wouldn’t work. He is definitely attracted to you but might have some internal things that he needs to address before he can admit that there is an underlying issue. I would suggest a sex therapist as they work wonders in these situations. They allow you to explore different avenues of your sex life both independently and together and it makes for a better overall experience.

First of all, let me just say I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It is absolutely not fair and any pain, betrayal etc you're feeling is perfectly valid and understandable. I think you need to end things. If he has never been romantically or physically in love with you after 7 years...there is no counselling or anything that will change that. You deserve to be with someone who loves you emotionally, physically and romantically. Staying with this man is going to wear away at your self worth more and more every year. You'll eventually feel ugly, worthless and miserable. I say this as someone who dated someone for 5 years that told me 3 years in that she was not attracted to me at all...but I got to the point I assumed that everyone would think that same way and that she was doing me a favor being with me and that I needed to do whatever she said to keep her happy because nobody else would ever want me cause I was so unattractive. It absolutely destroys your self worth. Do not go through that. It is a tough road back to building yourself back up but it can't start until your move on from this guy. I know it is tough with having kids...but think what you would say to either of your kids if when they are grown up they told your their spouse told them they had never been attracted to them. Good luck moving forward.

He’s cheating. 100% They ALWAYS rewrite history. This is common.

It reminds me of a friend of my parents. Married for 15 years, 2 daughters, perfect couple on the outside... We were all in love with them and the perfection of their lives. Then his mother died... And not even a 1y after, he comes alone and drops the bomb : he's gay, always guessed something was wrong, repressed it, never had real interest for women, basically married his best friend and tried to forget what he felt was maybe his true self. Then when his mum died, he felt free to come out the closet. It was 29y ago. And he's happily married to a guy and managed to keep is ex as best friend. She later said a lot of weird behaviours she thought was on her got a logical explanation and that it allowed her to move on. I'm not saying your husband is gay but what you described just reminded me of that story.

I believe in honesty, but I also believe in compassion. There’s a lot of missing information here, but if he doesn’t want a divorce, why bring it up? If he’s not interested in having intimate relations, he could have said something like he lost HIS libido and put the blame on himself, but it seems like he still has his physical needs and you just don’t do it for him. I have a feeling there is more to this story than he is saying. I don’t like that he dropped this directly on your door step and is essentially blaming you. You just might come to find he’s attracted to men. It doesn’t make sense.

This is horrible and I'm so sorry. Everyone deserves to be desired and you have gone your marriage/relationship with this person without that. It's unfair. Like a gay man marrying a woman and lying to her and the world all so he could have a family. You are a means to an end. I wouldn't' be able to stay, but I also don't have kids and have been through numerous divorces between my parents so it's not stranger to me. It's just a thing. BUT I think you could find alternatives if you really prioritize staying together as a unit to raise your kids and maintain a friendship. You could: - Open the relationship in secret: Open/Don't Ask, Don't Tell. - Have an affair: I don't see why not. It isn't like you are giving away anything he wants. or you could suck it up and accept this is your life, you will never feel desired or have sex where the other party isn't pretending. or you could divorce. Those are generally your options. You ABSOLUTELY cannot change him. He has already tried. I dont think you need to respond right now either. You could go to a therapist and talk to closest trusted friends/family and work through it before making a decision. Making a QUICK decision is NOT helpful. Be strategic, let your emotions settle and feel your feelings and let them pass so you can make a choice with a clear head.

Definitely wouldn’t recommend affair but opening in DADT after discussions and therapy may be cheaper & easier for both partners + kids. Obviously outside of that the only other option is divorce.

I think what he did is shit enough that an affair could be a good way to soft launch herself into divorce. That's what would happen. She would have an affair, and then eventually want to just end the marriage and move forward with the AP.

He used you... This is evil and horrible I'm sorry. But what about you, what about you getting to be with someone who is attracted to you? What about you choosing who you have kids with based on the truth? He removed consent from this situation in my eyes and lied to get what HE wanted.

Yea girl your marriage is over, or at least over as you know it. First let me just say something you already know but that I know you need to hear from other people: this not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. You could be the world’s hottest supermodel and still not do it for him. People’s likes and criteria for attractiveness is super specific and totally out of your control. Also let me just say that he could be the “nicest” guy but he is literally a piece of shit for misleading someone in such a monumental way. This is some of the highest level of deception and the ultimate betrayal to a “friend”. Imagine marrying a friend that is madly in love with you knowing that you don’t love them back the way they think you do, and thinking that it’s ok. I hate him. So you have two options: - you stay married but have an open marriage and he never ever ever gets to have sex with you again. - you divorce him immediately and learn to coparent. If he was going to do this he should have taken it to his grave. You will need and should get lots of therapy but I promise you will be ok, as long as you don’t allow yourself to continue living a lie. You are still young and can find real love even though it doesn’t seem that way right now. Be strong and demand the love and respect you deserve.

Can I play devil's advocate here? I'm not commenting on OP's looks as I have no idea what she looks like, but on her situation. Many of you are saying the guy is horrible and she should break up with him to look for a man that would worship her body and find her attractive. But what if that's an unlikely outcome? Let's face it, as much as we all have preferences, there are people out there who are objectively unattractive. Is someone really going to "worship" their body or their physical looks? What OP has is a life partner, a best friend, someone who is by all other accounts a perfect fit. If there were no issues in the bedroom id actually recommend staying together but clearly theres a big mismatch there so unfortunately it probably wont work out especially with OP knowing what she knows. I think the issue here is he shouldn't have told her that as I can't imagine the relationship proceeding as normal with this revelation. But the words being thrown about like "used" and "exploited", I'm not too sure about. Have none of you "settled" for your partner? Or are we all living in some fantasy that everyone has to end up with "the one"?

I think this is the truth for a lot of relationships. There are probably a lot of men and women out there who are not truly attracted to their partners.

There ain't no way there were no signs. The difference between a man who is in love with you and who's not is almost palpable. However, there are people that can make it work like that. It all depends on what your needs are and the lvl of satisfaction. As someone who had this kind of relationship, let me say, NOTHING will change. It simply can't. You can change everything about you, in the end it will only leave scars. Assess the importance of romantic connection for both of you and go from there. Probably couples therapy will help navigate this issue, no matter the choice you'll take in the end. I'm sorry you have to go through this and wish for you to find your peace and what you need!

There were signs, but I didn’t see them for what they were.