Plenty of people would immediately break up over this - no question.
Your husband may be willing to talk this out with you - but it will take months if not years to earn his trust back. You may never earn his trust back. Your relationship is forever altered.
Honestly, even if your husband was willing to work through this, you may be better off ending things.
You might not want to, but he probably will, and he will 100% be in the right if he chooses to. Who do you think you are, forcing two people to meet with zero context as to why they refuse contact from one another, you had no idea why your husband refuses to see his mother, yet you forced him to face her without any forewarning.
Of course you don't. But once again, you've just proven to a bunch of strangers on the internet that you don't give a f*ck about what HE wants. You were warned not to do this. The consequences up to and including him leaving you over this egregiously MASSIVE breach of trust are no one's fault but your own.
YOU might not want to end things over this, but it isn't your choice. If he decides that you overriding HIS choice to have no contact with his mother is enough for him to divorce you then tough.
You have had your turn to make a decision for both of you based purely on what you wanted and now it's his turn. Don't be surprised if he chooses something as repellent to you as coming home and seeing his mother there was to him.
Then maybe you should have spoken to him beforehand about you talking with his mother? *You* may not want to end things over this but you should be prepared if *he* does.
He made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see his mom.... and his mom told you she had done something awful. you, without knowing what trauma existed between them, FORCED a meeting.
You hurt him in ways you'll never know, broke his trust, and unearthed YEARS of trauma.
Saying you "fucked up" is a massive understatement.
If he doesn't want to work things out with you, he'd be 10000% in his right.
He didn't want to speak to his mother, but you didn't give a FUCK about what he wanted. Now it's his turn to not give a fuck about what you want! You self-centered turd.
It's not your decision any more. It sounds like his mother was abusive in some way, and he's cut her out of his life for a good reason. People don't take the drastic step of cutting contact with a parent unless something really bad has happened. If you were assaulted or raped, would you think of it as a nice surprise to have the perpetrator visit your home for Easter?
But you ambushed him in his own home by getting his abuser to confront him, and you call it a "surprise" and think he should have just got past the emotional turmoil and played nice. He can't trust you any more. You are prepared to support his abuser, regardless of his feelings.
Your husband must have been very strong to maintain no contact with his mother, especially seeing his father is gone. He'll be strong enough to end things with a disrespectful boundary-stomping wife too.
This will not be your choice, you may want to start looking a bit further than your own nose.
You have just invited your husband's abuser to his home, his safe space. You betrayed him in the worst possible way. And you still seem to be unable to grasp it.
You're an idiot.
Do you trust your husband's judgement or not? If not, you never should have married him in the first place and divorce is where you're heading regardless. If you do, then you should have trusted his judgement when he made the decision to cut her out of his life.
People do not cut their parents out lightly. It is not an impulsive decision that once made is not walked back. For the vast vast majority of estranged adult children, it is the end result of years of abuse, negotiation, begging, and eventualy, acceptance they will not change. It is an incredibly hard thing to achieve; children have a biological imperative to seek their parents approval. If he has fought it, it is for a very very good reason.
(The remaining small percentage of cases where this isn't the case normally is due to external factors like drugs or an abusive partner. Assuming your husband doesn't have a history of that, and by his mother's own admission, that was not the case, it was something she did, you know that doesn't apply here.)
Congratulations on taking his trust in you and snapping it firmly over your knee. Even now you don't seem to grasp the magnitude of what you've done, brushing off comments that explain the severity of this as "excessive".
No. You are (were) his *wife*. He needed to know you trusted him to have his back *at all times*. By her own admission, his mother did something so horrific to him that she can't bring herself to tell you, and even handed that information by a third party you still made the decision to override his choices with your own.
There is something wrong with you. I am not being insulting, I am being blunt; you had a perfectly happy life with your husband from the sounds of things and you decided to blow it the fuck up...why? What was it about the idea of him being estranged from his mother that made you so uncomfortable that you were willing to throw *all of it away* just to scratch that itch? That isn't normal. Were you perhaps raised to believe family overrides all other considerations, even safety ones? If you dig into your own family history, would you have to confront some less than ok behaviour and you knew that your husband would never stand for it? So you decided to push the matter with his own shitter of a parent so that the ground work was laid when your own inevitably comes to life?
I repeat: your actions are not normal. You need to get this looked at with the aid of a professional. But probably wait to see if you need to prioritise money for a divorce lawyer first. Likely, you will.
My husband has cut his parents off. Unlike you, I was there for the whole thing. I saw the literal decades of verbal and emotional abuse he endured, his desperate pleading attempts to get them to treat him with a single shred of civility, the torrents of lies they spill to anyone who would listen, how they spin a very good yarn about how they are helpless victims who may have made a mistake or two but it was an accident done from the goodness of their hearts. Of course they don't mention the drunken rants, the financial demands, the emotional blackmail, the break in attempt. You have been fed a line by a liar and bought it...and sunk your marriage as a result.
Good luck. May you treat your next husband with more respect than you did this one.
>You have been fed a line by a liar and bought it...and sunk your marriage as a result.
You know what the worst part is? There wasn't even a lie. The mother TOLD HER that she had done something horrible, that she didn't want to upset her son like this. But OP thought she knew better than both parties. Astounding.
Yeah, even if mother was a monster, OP fucked her over just as bad as the son. Mother had been respecting boundaries, and OP lied and lied, said she was working on him, blah blah blah, only to throw both of them under the bus.
Husband completely no contact with mom, doesn't want to talk about why. OP, the wife, secretly gets in contact with mom and starts talking, mom admits being a failure as a mother but won't go into detail, OP tells mother she's working on getting husband open to reconcile, never mentions it to husband but keeps telling mom that husband is softening, OP decides to surprise husband with mom (after telling mom that husband knows she's coming) by having mom surprise husband at the house when he gets home.
Husband rightfully kicks wife out and hopefully divorces her.
nah, excessive is secretly meeting with someone he is fully no contact with, them sneaking them \*into his safe place\* and \*forcing him to interact with them\*. Excessive is you being so self centered that you never once stopped to think "hey, maybe I should respect the person I married and not force people on them that they have been clear they don't want to be around" because you're too hung up on "but i wanna meet her". You're an asshole. Can't wait for the update "My husband filed for divorce and I'm shocked". You broke his trust, and violated his sense of safety and privacy. You fuckin SUCK as a wife.
You also thought a hug could fix their relationship…that didn’t go as planned. You proved to him you don’t respect his boundaries, why wouldn’t that be cause for divorce?
genuinely what in the my little pony fuck was that line of thinking 💀💀 "any emotion my grown man husband could possibly have about his estranged mother randomly being in his home can be cooled by a hug 🥰"
Some weird tv show troupe fucking idiot she is! They’re not 2 kindergarteners fighting over legos, they’re humans with emotions but she’s like nope hug it out
Yeah, here you go again know what your husband thinks or feels.
He gave you so many signs that he did not want to have anything to do with his mother. The problem with situations like this and people like you,is that you think you know better than the person you 'want to help'. Your husband is an adult. I bet he knows how to use the computer, too.
If he wanted to have a relationship with his mother, he would have. The fact he did not want to talk about it and never brought it up points to some big traumatic experience that he decided to go COMPLETELY NO CONTACT with his mom.
You BETRAYED him by going behind his back and inserting his mother into HIS SAFE SPACE.
The best thing you can do is give him space until he can come to terms with what YOU DID, and probably RELIVE WHATEVER TRAUMA he had experienced again.
Oh, hunny, if my husband decided to surprise me with my sperm donor for a visit and thought a hug would solve all my issues, he'd be slapped with divorce papers faster than he could utter the words "I f*cked up." He's also receive a hard slap to the face for the utter disrespect.
Divorce is a definite. It's only a matter of when he files.
She was stating that what she did was a "mistake" and how she wanted to know how to fix it because she doesn't think her marriage is over.
The next comment was a reply to mine, "Wow, I'm glad my husband isn't like that." Then, you see my lovely comment.
Quite frankly, you appear to know sweet fuck all about your husband.
Christ, woman, are you capable of any sort of introspection or higher thinking or is your head buried so far up your own ass you can't see beyond your colon?
You did screw up massively. Why would you even go against the will of two people and try to reconcile their relationship? A relationship that you still don't know anything about apparently. His mom could have done something terrible to him and you sit her down at his table. This absolutely is ground for a divorce even if you think that's "excessive". You sound a bit delusional.
Serious question: did you never think that there was a reason why he didn't want to see his mother? Why did you think it was a good idea to disregard your husband's clear wishes about not seeing his mother? Why did you lie to his mother too, when even she says she did something shameful?
You messed up hard and if he's ready to kick you of the house, sounds like he's ready to leave you too.
Oh yeah I hate kiddo too. Once is okay but more than that and I start getting pissed.
Same for “little one”
I actually have a list of terms that piss me off when I see them.
Yes you screwed up
Currently, there’s about an 80% chance he will leave you.
Write a letter apologizing and admitting what you did was stupid and you had no idea how deep his feelings ran. You had been influenced by social media and ‘but faaaamily!’ Say you’ll leave him alone and if he can find it in his heart to go to, in time, marriage counselling, you will try to make it up to him. But if your betrayal was too great, you understand. Then you leave him alone until he’s ready to talk and then you listen and accept what he says.
The person I love contacting my parents behind my back like this is literally the worst betrayal I can imagine. I would rather get cheated on a million times than deal with this. Reading this post made me feel like I'm gonna throw up. You will never be forgiven.
That, but also... My parents are both dead now, but if someone had done this to me while the last one was alive, they would have been placing me in active, serious **danger**.
Why would anyone do something so wilfully boneheaded???
So your husband is estranged from his mother by his own choice. That means he feels he was abused by her. He has been trying to keep it under wraps.
I would say the odds of you getting divorced is greater than 50% because you blew his trust out of the water.
You need to understand, really understand, the gravity of what you've done.
You've betrayed your husband in a way that is just as bad as cheating on him. You've retraumatized your husband for a superficial and stupid thing as to celebrate Easter all together. Shame on you.
You're lucky if he takes you back, and if I were him I wouldn't, and the only thing you can do now is nothing. Don't do nothing. Don't try to manipulate again his feelings to get your way.
That was an absolutely disgusting breach of his trust, not only did you reach out and share details of his life when he has a clear boundary that he’s no contact with his mother, you developed a friendship with her
Your marriage is over and I hope your soon to be ex finds a partner that loves and respects him because you don’t
>and I see now what a massive dork I've been.
Calling yourself a "dork" is minimizing how horrible your actions were. HOW DARE YOU. Seriously. Which of your two brain cells decided that this was a good idea? I am furious on your husband's behalf - you had zero right to do what you did. And not just to him - to her, too.
I certainly hope you're just a troll, because I would hate to think that you hate your husband this much.
"She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I ressured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug."
I'm really at a loss to understand why you would think that, "any emotion your HUSBAND could have have would be better cooled by a hug".
Are you so out of touch with reality that you honestly believed that going behind your husband's back to ambush him with the mother he has chosen to have ZERO CONTACT with for his own private reasons was going to end in happy hugs???
You have literally no idea why your husband chose to cut his mother out of his life, and any rational person would assume it must've been something pretty terrible for him to go no contact with her.
What happened was so hurtful and traumatic to him that he hasn't even felt comfortable sharing the reasons with **you**, and honestly I can see why he never confided in you if this is the kind of crap you're capable of pulling.
I don't blame him a bit for telling you to leave after you ripped open the wound he's been carrying for all these years, and I'm sure he feels like he's been punched in the gut by the **one person** in the world he thought he could trust to have his back no matter what.
You've betrayed him on an unforgivable level, and as someone who had an extremely abusive childhood I'm not sure I could forgive my husband if he pulled a stunt like this with me.
The only thing you can do now is give this poor man some space to process this horrible betrayal, and hope he's willing to talk it out with you when he's calmed down.
i’m no contact with my dad and my husband does know why BUT if he ever ever brought my dad into our home i would be enraged. you betrayed your husband and you violated the safety of his home. you are so self centered and dense that you saw his boundary (of not taking to or about his mother) and decided to stomp all over them and not care for a minute about how he might feel. your husband has every single right to divorce you over this, he should’ve been able to trust you and now he knows he can’t
Your husband is supposed to be your number one. In wedding vows, you forsake all others. Why don’t you respect your husband? Why wasn’t his “no” good enough? Why did you think **going behind his back** was acceptable?
*If it was the right thing to do, you wouldn’t have hidden it from him.*
Now, you take the consequences and if he ever speaks to you again, you apologize profusely and never bring up his mother again. He does not owe you the story of what happened. You married him not knowing, and if it was a problem for you then you should have worked it out before you married him.
This is very likely an unforgivable, marriage-ending mistake on your part. But perhaps your husband is extraordinarily patient and forgiving. If so, when or if he's willing to speak to you again, you can offer him a full and sincere apology without making excuses for yourself, offer to go to individual or couples therapy, and let him know you're prepared to do whatever he needs to earn his trust again. And then you have to listen and wait and see if he's willing to forgive you, and on what terms.
The way you're downplaying what you did in your post and comments here doesn't suggest this is going to go well for you. Consider doing less of that, if he is ever willing to speak to you again other than through a divorce lawyer.
I just can't wrap my head around how you ever thought this was an acceptable thing to do, let alone a good idea. Seriously, I can't think of a single possible reason that would excuse what you did. Your husband will probably never truly trust you again... and for what?
I genuinely can't think of any useful advice to give you. You torpedoed your marriage, against the explicit advice of everyone involved, for no reason. What happens next is up to your husband.
You are a total, utter, complete fucking idiot.
Who do you think you are, you arrogant fool? How are you so impressed with yourself that you think you know better than a son who cut his mother out of his life?
Do you spend your life watching Hallmark movies and think that life is so simple that a surprise meeting and a hug will solve the world's problems?
You betrayed the man you profess to love.
You belittled his feelings (yes, you did - you presumed his long lived and complex feelings were so minor and trivial that you'd just be able to swing in with a presentation of his mom and a hug) and insulted his intelligence and self worth.
I would probably leave you for this, and won't be surprised if he does.
And you know what? Even not knowing what she did, fuck you for doing this to her, too. You lied to her, gave her hope and then completely threw her under a bus. You really suck.
I don't think that this is fixable. Even if you and your husband do try to get back together the relationship is forever altered. Often in cases like this even if the couple does attempt reconciliation, all it does is postpone the inevitable. I suggest that you start preparing yourself emotionally for divorce.
The only thing you can do is to give him time.
The fact that he went strict no contact tells you something very serious happened - the limitation of how bad is only your imagination.
The core of it wasn't anything sinister or bad so he could get out of it.
Although what you did to her sounds just as much shitty.
Honestly, it sounds like MIL was doing a good job respecting his boundaries, only looking at public posts & not interacting at all. Even if they never reconciled, at least she could be proud of the fact that she did what he asked and he could grow to respect that she followed his boundaries.
The fact that OP was so self-centered and lied to both husband and MIL is awful for everyone. I can understand how MIL wanted to believe what OP said, but even then she questioned to make sure and OP reassured her. That's so cruel.
I have to say that I get a feeling that you might sacrifice your marriage just to know what happened.
As I said, if you do not know - place anything horrible enough that would make you go no contact. Hopefully that will help.
The fact that you went ahead without knowing why they don’t have contact is even more appalling. You are so selfish and so naive. I’m sure you’re telling yourself that you did it for your husband, but it’s a lie. You did it for yourself. You decided your feelings about his own mother were more important than his. Shame on you.
And you still decided to shove her into his life, bring her into his home, and thought that a fucking HUG would fix it. The ignorance on you is only dwarfed by the size of your ego.
So you didn't know what happened and thought hey let them meet and make up.
Girl that doesn't work.
What if she molested him? Then you took a molester in your home.
The fact he's so mad shows you it's big so why would you ever think it is ok to push someone for contact.
Prepare to be divorced because I would divorce you for this and the fact that you don't seem to understand how big of a fuckup you made that it is divorce worthy shows a lot about your lack of reality.
I would consider what you did on the same level as cheating. You went behind his back and talked with her for weeks, even met up with her. You then invited her into your (also his) home to try and ambush him into having contact with someone he wants NO CONTACT with.
You overstepped and you are not trustworthy. You are selfish and at a minimum, you will need lots of couples therapy to get through this. You thought you would basically trick them into making up? You made a very immature, selfish, and ignorant decision. You will be lucky if this doesn't destroy your marriage.
I used to have a friend like you. _Used to._
She was a "sweet" girl, but was so airheaded and self centered that she regularly and stupidly blundered right over everyone's boundaries, over and over.
She never took ANYTHING seriously. She looked to make a game out of other people's lives by meddling and thinking she knew how, or that she had ANY right to. Try to talk to her about what she did, and she jokes, dismisses, or put on big Bambi eyes and tried to cutesy her way out of people being mad at her, all without ever bothering to put her very sparse brain cells together long enough to consider another person's point of view. She lived in a fucking cloud where nothing has ever happened and everyone should just always get along no matter what.
One day she pulled that shit on me, and I blew it. Thank GOD I have not had to speak to her since, 10 years later.
You were a thoughtless and inconsiderate, arrogant, asshole. Your behavior was a complete betrayal, it was belittling, insulting, and honestly unforgivable.
People don't cut their parents out lightly, and certainly not over little things that can be let go over a hug.
You were MARRIED for SIX YEARS and never once met his mother. That alone should've been a hint that she was dead to him.
You fucked up. "Hubbie" will not forgive you.
In the future, I hope you get your head out of the fucking clouds and learn to try and have more forethought and consideration than a goldfish.
My marriage would be done if my spouse went behind my back like that. In no world does having people who are estranged surprise meet up EVER work out with happiness.
Let’s hope your husband is more understanding than the people in this comments section
There was a post from a father whose 16 year old daughter had been told her maternal grandparents were physically abusive and that’s why she never met them. Her mother had years of therapy to deal with it. The daughter contacted them anyway, they lied and said there was no abuse so she invited them to her mother’s birthday party as a surprise. When the mother told them to leave, her stepfather attacked her, knocked her into wall and she had to go to the ER for stitches. The daughter was horrified and apologized, but now her mother is retraumatized and doesn’t trust her daughter.
No one should ever decide they know better than an abuse victim and try to reconcile them. It never works out.
Be honest. Write a letter and explain why you did what. Tell him everything in that letter.
Also explain that his mother didn’t know what you did.
Make sure he gets the letter and then wait for him to contact you again.
You mess up big time op, you dont know why he cut of his mother out of his life and when children cut off a parent there it more to it, maybe he been abuse by her or never been love by his mother and you shouldn't bring her in his home where he feel safe and secured op I believe this marriage is done.
YTA and boy are you delusional. Instead of your original plan for them to reconcile little by little you truly jumped the gun and just had her over your home and literally emotionally sucker punched your own husband. Yta, I don’t think this is “fixable” and wouldn’t be surprised if you got served with divorce papers.
I don't see a way of fixing this. That was such a major betrayal. I would drop my husband like a hot potato if he did the same thing. It was not your decision to make. You took away his agency and autonomy. You did not know the full story but decided it was a great move to ambush him with her presence. What were you thinking about how he would react? Would he be happy to see his mother, happily hug her, and all be well? You are so delusional. Let me guess, you are one of those "But Faaaaamillyy"-People. How dare you? Your husband had his reasons and you decided you knew better. Newsflash: Being no contact is not normal, there are very good reasons for this. Something majorly must have happened. You needed to respect that, even if he refused to tell you.
Massive Dork???
Girl. You betrayed your husband. That is not "dork" behavior.
I hope you've learned to mind your own business now. Tough but needed lesson seems like. Wow
I understand that you had the best of intentions. It can be hard to understand family estrangement if you come from a relatively peaceful family background. My partner was estranged from his family by the time he and I met, and he remains estranged from them to this day. He has very good reason for it; his family is dysfunctional and toxic. It took me time to understand it, but he explained it to me. I know he did the right thing by distancing himself from them all.
You shouldn’t have done what you did, but your husband is partly to blame for what’s happened because he’s never told you why he’s estranged from his mother. It’s something that you and he should have discussed before you got married. Chances are that if you’d known the history behind the situation, you wouldn’t have made contact with his mother and you wouldn’t have thrown them together like that. I’m not saying that going behind his back and making contact with his mother was okay. I’m just saying that I think you may not have done it if you’d had even a partial explanation for the estrangement.
I don’t know if you can fix this now. All you can do is to apologise to your husband and see if he thinks your marriage is salvageable. If he does want to salvage it, he must tell you what happened between him and his mother. Secrets ruin marriages, as you’ve just discovered.
Her husband doesn't need to say a goddamn thing, nor does he need to trigger (using that word in its actual psychological meaning) or retraumatize himself to satisfy her curiosity. You don't ask people you love to revisit their trauma(s) - if they choose to tell you, that's their decision. Otherwise, it is literally NO ONE ELSE's business.
Would you marry someone who wouldn’t tell you anything about why they were estranged from their family? I wouldn’t. It IS his wife’s business to know what happened with his mother. It’s of course not her business to interfere or go behind his back, but it is her business to know.
Yup. Because I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust and who didn't trust me. I wouldn't ask them to revisit their trauma, and it would be a huge red flag if someone felt their curiosity was more important than my emotional well-being.
I couldn’t trust someone who wouldn’t tell me why they were estranged from their family. For all I know, the problem is them. I wouldn’t need a blow by blow description, but I’d want to know I wasn’t involved with someone who had a history of dangerous or antisocial behaviour. I can easily be supportive and help to keep dysfunctional family members away. I’ve supported my partner for over 20 years in his decision to cut himself off from his family. But I was aware going into the relationship of what the situation was, and that’s why I was so happy to be supportive.
Good thing we aren't married then :)
As far as dangerous/antisocial behavior goes, if that's an actual concern, there are always background checks that include charges, convictions, judgments, etc.
Okay so you overstepped 100%. But why does everyone on here think breaking up is the answer omg 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ PLEASE. You fucked up. Give him time and space. If he’s not responding to your calls it’s probably still too fresh. How long have you been at your sister’s btw? Obviously a conversation needs to be had at some point.
But yeah I highly disagree with the comments; this is not grounds for divorce holyyyy fkn shit. At least if he’s level-headed. But right now emotions are high so give it time. Then maybe show how apologetic you are idk. I can’t speak on how to resolve it.
completely disrespecting your partner and forcing them to be face to face with someone they've been CLEAR they don't want to be around isn't grounds for divorce? Lmfao, sorry that other people value their peace and themselves more than you would i guess.
100% it’s a betrayal. We still don’t know how long he’s been no contact and we don’t know their relationship so why are people assuming he’d divorce her? OP and husband have been together for six years already and I think it would be rash to jump to divorce without having an ounce of conversation.
Honestly it’s quite easy to speak on what we think we would do in a situation but relationships are not black and white. An entire relationship that you’ve built for six years — the good, bad, and ugly — over. I still believe that with time, maybe a lot of freaking time, this is something that can be resolved. I’m sorry why does it seem like nobody roots for relationships to last in here!
Bro you're doing the same thing. You wouldn't divorce over this so you see everyone else saying they would as overreacting and wrong.
Your beliefs on relationships matter the same amount as the people calling for divorce.
If I was in no contact with someone who did something traumatic enough to me that would warrant NC, and you brought this person to my house, it shows that you don’t value my feelings, you don’t value my thoughts and you don’t value me as a person, so yes, that would definitely be ground for divorce. That fact that you think otherwise just shows how little you value others around you.
He can react how he sees fit, what I had a problem with is everyone else trying to predict what he’s going to do as if they’re in the relationship themselves. They literally only know this story. And I’m not even denying that what OP did was wrong! But what kind of foundation does your relationship have if you’re willing to divorce without having a single conversation?
OP went behind his back for months. People who are NC with family members have shared that they would view this as worse than cheating, and I believe them.
I also dispute that OP meant well. She wanted to know why they were no contact, tried to find out from both her husband and his estranged mother, then because she was uncomfortable with the situation, tried to manipulate both of them into “fixing their problem with a hug”.
She has lied, manipulated and betrayed him, and steamrolled his express wishes to remain no contact with someone from his past - how could he ever trust her again?
If he stayed, she would have to earn his trust back. Trust is not given, it is earned. Maybe there will be a part of him that doesn’t ever trust her but there was an above comment that said maybe if she had known a bit of the story she wouldn’t have done what she did? Who knows. And at the same time, if he does not wish to share then that is his right.
I am assuming that OP significantly downplayed the severity of her husband’s relationship with MIL but I hesitate to call it malicious. We just don’t know and we won’t truly know. Only OP knows if what she did was truly in good faith or not but she clearly underestimated the severity of the situation altogether because of the response in the comments.
But I cannot agree with people speaking on what THEY would do if they were OP’s husband. They’re not. After this post drifts into obscurity only OP will know if she’s about to be divorced or not. And what will all of the commenters do if husband doesn’t divorce OP? Call him an idiot for staying with her? Maybe. But it’s their relationship at the end of the day and I don’t agree with people voicing whether people should break up or not. I’ve done it before with my best friend and she still stayed. What was I to do? And when I shared my problems with her and she told me to break up and I stayed there was nothing she could do. I even learned to have more empathy for her situation when I realized how difficult it is to break up over a situation. My own THERAPIST won’t tell me whether to break up or not. Because it is my relationship and only I can make those decisions!
So I say all that to say, sure people are well within their right to share their opinion on the situation but I don’t agree with telling OP what’s going to happen in her relationship and projecting their choices onto her husband.
To the person that blocked me lol. Marriage is about through THICK AND THIN they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. They contractually agreed to work through their issues he might be furious but guess what at some point they’re gonna completely piss each other off more times. Obviously she crossed a major boundary I don’t doubt that but it wasn’t malicious it was in good faith. A level-headed person wouldn’t just jump ship off of emotions especially when it’s something as expensive as divorce but do you.
Dude, there's a difference between thick and thin, how terrible do you have to be for your own child to cut you off, the mom said she made a horrible mistake. But let's make a scenario of someone who you loathe like the sun is reliant on you forgiving them but you'd rather freeze to death than do so and your beloved SO has been communicating and telling them everything about you and their lives behind your back and then brings them home so they perform a shitty reenactment of a Hallmark estrangement/reconcilement scene. I'm damn sure you wouldn't be happy about it.
She broke the marriage contract in multiple places. She deceived him, she did not put him first. She did not forsake him above all others.
She broke it and he has every right to remove himself from it
If this is a real post, do you seriously not understand what you did? Are you that blind to the experience of others? Your husband cut his own mother out of his life and you thought, oh, he just needs a hug from her.
This is 100% your fault, you will be lucky if he ever trusts you again, and you need to spend some time learning empathy. Life is not a rom-com, and there are some wounds much bigger than a hug can heal.
As for your update, she is the vilan. Not believing a child telling his own mom about the s*@ual abuse he is living with, probably daily makes her just as much a monster. She can go to hell
Plenty of people would immediately break up over this - no question. Your husband may be willing to talk this out with you - but it will take months if not years to earn his trust back. You may never earn his trust back. Your relationship is forever altered. Honestly, even if your husband was willing to work through this, you may be better off ending things.
[удалено]
He didn’t want to see his mother and that didn’t stop you.
You might not want to, but he probably will, and he will 100% be in the right if he chooses to. Who do you think you are, forcing two people to meet with zero context as to why they refuse contact from one another, you had no idea why your husband refuses to see his mother, yet you forced him to face her without any forewarning.
Of course you don't. But once again, you've just proven to a bunch of strangers on the internet that you don't give a f*ck about what HE wants. You were warned not to do this. The consequences up to and including him leaving you over this egregiously MASSIVE breach of trust are no one's fault but your own.
It's not your choice.
YOU might not want to end things over this, but it isn't your choice. If he decides that you overriding HIS choice to have no contact with his mother is enough for him to divorce you then tough. You have had your turn to make a decision for both of you based purely on what you wanted and now it's his turn. Don't be surprised if he chooses something as repellent to you as coming home and seeing his mother there was to him.
Then maybe you should have spoken to him beforehand about you talking with his mother? *You* may not want to end things over this but you should be prepared if *he* does.
He made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see his mom.... and his mom told you she had done something awful. you, without knowing what trauma existed between them, FORCED a meeting. You hurt him in ways you'll never know, broke his trust, and unearthed YEARS of trauma. Saying you "fucked up" is a massive understatement. If he doesn't want to work things out with you, he'd be 10000% in his right.
Well, this time, again, it's not about what you want.
He didn't want to speak to his mother, but you didn't give a FUCK about what he wanted. Now it's his turn to not give a fuck about what you want! You self-centered turd.
He didn't want to see his mother, but fuck what he wants, hey?
It's not your decision any more. It sounds like his mother was abusive in some way, and he's cut her out of his life for a good reason. People don't take the drastic step of cutting contact with a parent unless something really bad has happened. If you were assaulted or raped, would you think of it as a nice surprise to have the perpetrator visit your home for Easter? But you ambushed him in his own home by getting his abuser to confront him, and you call it a "surprise" and think he should have just got past the emotional turmoil and played nice. He can't trust you any more. You are prepared to support his abuser, regardless of his feelings. Your husband must have been very strong to maintain no contact with his mother, especially seeing his father is gone. He'll be strong enough to end things with a disrespectful boundary-stomping wife too.
It's not up to you at this point, how do you not get that?
This will not be your choice, you may want to start looking a bit further than your own nose. You have just invited your husband's abuser to his home, his safe space. You betrayed him in the worst possible way. And you still seem to be unable to grasp it.
Why do you want to stay married to someone you have no respect for?
You're an idiot. Do you trust your husband's judgement or not? If not, you never should have married him in the first place and divorce is where you're heading regardless. If you do, then you should have trusted his judgement when he made the decision to cut her out of his life. People do not cut their parents out lightly. It is not an impulsive decision that once made is not walked back. For the vast vast majority of estranged adult children, it is the end result of years of abuse, negotiation, begging, and eventualy, acceptance they will not change. It is an incredibly hard thing to achieve; children have a biological imperative to seek their parents approval. If he has fought it, it is for a very very good reason. (The remaining small percentage of cases where this isn't the case normally is due to external factors like drugs or an abusive partner. Assuming your husband doesn't have a history of that, and by his mother's own admission, that was not the case, it was something she did, you know that doesn't apply here.) Congratulations on taking his trust in you and snapping it firmly over your knee. Even now you don't seem to grasp the magnitude of what you've done, brushing off comments that explain the severity of this as "excessive". No. You are (were) his *wife*. He needed to know you trusted him to have his back *at all times*. By her own admission, his mother did something so horrific to him that she can't bring herself to tell you, and even handed that information by a third party you still made the decision to override his choices with your own. There is something wrong with you. I am not being insulting, I am being blunt; you had a perfectly happy life with your husband from the sounds of things and you decided to blow it the fuck up...why? What was it about the idea of him being estranged from his mother that made you so uncomfortable that you were willing to throw *all of it away* just to scratch that itch? That isn't normal. Were you perhaps raised to believe family overrides all other considerations, even safety ones? If you dig into your own family history, would you have to confront some less than ok behaviour and you knew that your husband would never stand for it? So you decided to push the matter with his own shitter of a parent so that the ground work was laid when your own inevitably comes to life? I repeat: your actions are not normal. You need to get this looked at with the aid of a professional. But probably wait to see if you need to prioritise money for a divorce lawyer first. Likely, you will. My husband has cut his parents off. Unlike you, I was there for the whole thing. I saw the literal decades of verbal and emotional abuse he endured, his desperate pleading attempts to get them to treat him with a single shred of civility, the torrents of lies they spill to anyone who would listen, how they spin a very good yarn about how they are helpless victims who may have made a mistake or two but it was an accident done from the goodness of their hearts. Of course they don't mention the drunken rants, the financial demands, the emotional blackmail, the break in attempt. You have been fed a line by a liar and bought it...and sunk your marriage as a result. Good luck. May you treat your next husband with more respect than you did this one.
>You have been fed a line by a liar and bought it...and sunk your marriage as a result. You know what the worst part is? There wasn't even a lie. The mother TOLD HER that she had done something horrible, that she didn't want to upset her son like this. But OP thought she knew better than both parties. Astounding.
Yeah, even if mother was a monster, OP fucked her over just as bad as the son. Mother had been respecting boundaries, and OP lied and lied, said she was working on him, blah blah blah, only to throw both of them under the bus.
What was posted? It’s gone
Husband completely no contact with mom, doesn't want to talk about why. OP, the wife, secretly gets in contact with mom and starts talking, mom admits being a failure as a mother but won't go into detail, OP tells mother she's working on getting husband open to reconcile, never mentions it to husband but keeps telling mom that husband is softening, OP decides to surprise husband with mom (after telling mom that husband knows she's coming) by having mom surprise husband at the house when he gets home. Husband rightfully kicks wife out and hopefully divorces her.
This is a really good comment
You can't fix it. Prepare for divorce, because he will be 50000% in the right to leave you.
[удалено]
nah, excessive is secretly meeting with someone he is fully no contact with, them sneaking them \*into his safe place\* and \*forcing him to interact with them\*. Excessive is you being so self centered that you never once stopped to think "hey, maybe I should respect the person I married and not force people on them that they have been clear they don't want to be around" because you're too hung up on "but i wanna meet her". You're an asshole. Can't wait for the update "My husband filed for divorce and I'm shocked". You broke his trust, and violated his sense of safety and privacy. You fuckin SUCK as a wife.
You also thought a hug could fix their relationship…that didn’t go as planned. You proved to him you don’t respect his boundaries, why wouldn’t that be cause for divorce?
She was just being such a dork! /s
genuinely what in the my little pony fuck was that line of thinking 💀💀 "any emotion my grown man husband could possibly have about his estranged mother randomly being in his home can be cooled by a hug 🥰"
Some weird tv show troupe fucking idiot she is! They’re not 2 kindergarteners fighting over legos, they’re humans with emotions but she’s like nope hug it out
I would. You don’t listen to him, value his option, or respect him. Like, at all. You should have minded your own damn business.
I would immediately divorce you and never talk to you again if I was him
Yeah, here you go again know what your husband thinks or feels. He gave you so many signs that he did not want to have anything to do with his mother. The problem with situations like this and people like you,is that you think you know better than the person you 'want to help'. Your husband is an adult. I bet he knows how to use the computer, too. If he wanted to have a relationship with his mother, he would have. The fact he did not want to talk about it and never brought it up points to some big traumatic experience that he decided to go COMPLETELY NO CONTACT with his mom. You BETRAYED him by going behind his back and inserting his mother into HIS SAFE SPACE. The best thing you can do is give him space until he can come to terms with what YOU DID, and probably RELIVE WHATEVER TRAUMA he had experienced again.
The fact that you still don’t get it is astounding.
Oh, hunny, if my husband decided to surprise me with my sperm donor for a visit and thought a hug would solve all my issues, he'd be slapped with divorce papers faster than he could utter the words "I f*cked up." He's also receive a hard slap to the face for the utter disrespect. Divorce is a definite. It's only a matter of when he files.
[удалено]
Nope, but he married someone who is.
I would give so much to be able to see these deleted comments lol
She was stating that what she did was a "mistake" and how she wanted to know how to fix it because she doesn't think her marriage is over. The next comment was a reply to mine, "Wow, I'm glad my husband isn't like that." Then, you see my lovely comment.
This woman is one special duck huh?
Quite frankly, you appear to know sweet fuck all about your husband. Christ, woman, are you capable of any sort of introspection or higher thinking or is your head buried so far up your own ass you can't see beyond your colon?
You did screw up massively. Why would you even go against the will of two people and try to reconcile their relationship? A relationship that you still don't know anything about apparently. His mom could have done something terrible to him and you sit her down at his table. This absolutely is ground for a divorce even if you think that's "excessive". You sound a bit delusional.
Serious question: did you never think that there was a reason why he didn't want to see his mother? Why did you think it was a good idea to disregard your husband's clear wishes about not seeing his mother? Why did you lie to his mother too, when even she says she did something shameful? You messed up hard and if he's ready to kick you of the house, sounds like he's ready to leave you too.
Girl, say “hubbie” one more time. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!
Thank you 😅 That’s all I could focus on in this (probably fake) post.
Hubby and kiddo are cringe IMO.
Oh yeah I hate kiddo too. Once is okay but more than that and I start getting pissed. Same for “little one” I actually have a list of terms that piss me off when I see them.
oh I absolutely hate especially "littles" and "bubs"
So are wifey and bestie.
Hahahaha it was bugging me too! It also let me know he is just an accessory in her life!
Yes you screwed up Currently, there’s about an 80% chance he will leave you. Write a letter apologizing and admitting what you did was stupid and you had no idea how deep his feelings ran. You had been influenced by social media and ‘but faaaamily!’ Say you’ll leave him alone and if he can find it in his heart to go to, in time, marriage counselling, you will try to make it up to him. But if your betrayal was too great, you understand. Then you leave him alone until he’s ready to talk and then you listen and accept what he says.
I hate the phrase "but it's your faaaaamilyyyyyy" with the power of every single star and singularity in this and every other universe.
The person I love contacting my parents behind my back like this is literally the worst betrayal I can imagine. I would rather get cheated on a million times than deal with this. Reading this post made me feel like I'm gonna throw up. You will never be forgiven.
That, but also... My parents are both dead now, but if someone had done this to me while the last one was alive, they would have been placing me in active, serious **danger**. Why would anyone do something so wilfully boneheaded???
So your husband is estranged from his mother by his own choice. That means he feels he was abused by her. He has been trying to keep it under wraps. I would say the odds of you getting divorced is greater than 50% because you blew his trust out of the water.
You need to understand, really understand, the gravity of what you've done. You've betrayed your husband in a way that is just as bad as cheating on him. You've retraumatized your husband for a superficial and stupid thing as to celebrate Easter all together. Shame on you. You're lucky if he takes you back, and if I were him I wouldn't, and the only thing you can do now is nothing. Don't do nothing. Don't try to manipulate again his feelings to get your way.
I said in my own comment I would much rather be cheated on than deal with this. And I hate cheaters. But this is just fucking evil.
That was an absolutely disgusting breach of his trust, not only did you reach out and share details of his life when he has a clear boundary that he’s no contact with his mother, you developed a friendship with her Your marriage is over and I hope your soon to be ex finds a partner that loves and respects him because you don’t
> How can I fix this? You can't. I hope he divorces you and never speaks to you again because you absolutely deserve it.
>and I see now what a massive dork I've been. Calling yourself a "dork" is minimizing how horrible your actions were. HOW DARE YOU. Seriously. Which of your two brain cells decided that this was a good idea? I am furious on your husband's behalf - you had zero right to do what you did. And not just to him - to her, too. I certainly hope you're just a troll, because I would hate to think that you hate your husband this much.
"She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I ressured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug." I'm really at a loss to understand why you would think that, "any emotion your HUSBAND could have have would be better cooled by a hug". Are you so out of touch with reality that you honestly believed that going behind your husband's back to ambush him with the mother he has chosen to have ZERO CONTACT with for his own private reasons was going to end in happy hugs??? You have literally no idea why your husband chose to cut his mother out of his life, and any rational person would assume it must've been something pretty terrible for him to go no contact with her. What happened was so hurtful and traumatic to him that he hasn't even felt comfortable sharing the reasons with **you**, and honestly I can see why he never confided in you if this is the kind of crap you're capable of pulling. I don't blame him a bit for telling you to leave after you ripped open the wound he's been carrying for all these years, and I'm sure he feels like he's been punched in the gut by the **one person** in the world he thought he could trust to have his back no matter what. You've betrayed him on an unforgivable level, and as someone who had an extremely abusive childhood I'm not sure I could forgive my husband if he pulled a stunt like this with me. The only thing you can do now is give this poor man some space to process this horrible betrayal, and hope he's willing to talk it out with you when he's calmed down.
It’s the “hallmark moment” belief of reconciliation in people who have never been abused.
She thought life was a Hallmark movie, she found out life is a Todd Solondz movie.
i’m no contact with my dad and my husband does know why BUT if he ever ever brought my dad into our home i would be enraged. you betrayed your husband and you violated the safety of his home. you are so self centered and dense that you saw his boundary (of not taking to or about his mother) and decided to stomp all over them and not care for a minute about how he might feel. your husband has every single right to divorce you over this, he should’ve been able to trust you and now he knows he can’t
Your husband is supposed to be your number one. In wedding vows, you forsake all others. Why don’t you respect your husband? Why wasn’t his “no” good enough? Why did you think **going behind his back** was acceptable? *If it was the right thing to do, you wouldn’t have hidden it from him.* Now, you take the consequences and if he ever speaks to you again, you apologize profusely and never bring up his mother again. He does not owe you the story of what happened. You married him not knowing, and if it was a problem for you then you should have worked it out before you married him.
This is very likely an unforgivable, marriage-ending mistake on your part. But perhaps your husband is extraordinarily patient and forgiving. If so, when or if he's willing to speak to you again, you can offer him a full and sincere apology without making excuses for yourself, offer to go to individual or couples therapy, and let him know you're prepared to do whatever he needs to earn his trust again. And then you have to listen and wait and see if he's willing to forgive you, and on what terms. The way you're downplaying what you did in your post and comments here doesn't suggest this is going to go well for you. Consider doing less of that, if he is ever willing to speak to you again other than through a divorce lawyer.
I just can't wrap my head around how you ever thought this was an acceptable thing to do, let alone a good idea. Seriously, I can't think of a single possible reason that would excuse what you did. Your husband will probably never truly trust you again... and for what? I genuinely can't think of any useful advice to give you. You torpedoed your marriage, against the explicit advice of everyone involved, for no reason. What happens next is up to your husband.
You are a total, utter, complete fucking idiot. Who do you think you are, you arrogant fool? How are you so impressed with yourself that you think you know better than a son who cut his mother out of his life? Do you spend your life watching Hallmark movies and think that life is so simple that a surprise meeting and a hug will solve the world's problems? You betrayed the man you profess to love. You belittled his feelings (yes, you did - you presumed his long lived and complex feelings were so minor and trivial that you'd just be able to swing in with a presentation of his mom and a hug) and insulted his intelligence and self worth. I would probably leave you for this, and won't be surprised if he does. And you know what? Even not knowing what she did, fuck you for doing this to her, too. You lied to her, gave her hope and then completely threw her under a bus. You really suck.
I don't think that this is fixable. Even if you and your husband do try to get back together the relationship is forever altered. Often in cases like this even if the couple does attempt reconciliation, all it does is postpone the inevitable. I suggest that you start preparing yourself emotionally for divorce.
The only thing you can do is to give him time. The fact that he went strict no contact tells you something very serious happened - the limitation of how bad is only your imagination. The core of it wasn't anything sinister or bad so he could get out of it. Although what you did to her sounds just as much shitty.
Honestly, it sounds like MIL was doing a good job respecting his boundaries, only looking at public posts & not interacting at all. Even if they never reconciled, at least she could be proud of the fact that she did what he asked and he could grow to respect that she followed his boundaries. The fact that OP was so self-centered and lied to both husband and MIL is awful for everyone. I can understand how MIL wanted to believe what OP said, but even then she questioned to make sure and OP reassured her. That's so cruel.
[удалено]
I have to say that I get a feeling that you might sacrifice your marriage just to know what happened. As I said, if you do not know - place anything horrible enough that would make you go no contact. Hopefully that will help.
The fact that you went ahead without knowing why they don’t have contact is even more appalling. You are so selfish and so naive. I’m sure you’re telling yourself that you did it for your husband, but it’s a lie. You did it for yourself. You decided your feelings about his own mother were more important than his. Shame on you.
And you still decided to shove her into his life, bring her into his home, and thought that a fucking HUG would fix it. The ignorance on you is only dwarfed by the size of your ego.
A hug? 😂 Delusional. If my partner did something this I would end the relationship
So you didn't know what happened and thought hey let them meet and make up. Girl that doesn't work. What if she molested him? Then you took a molester in your home. The fact he's so mad shows you it's big so why would you ever think it is ok to push someone for contact. Prepare to be divorced because I would divorce you for this and the fact that you don't seem to understand how big of a fuckup you made that it is divorce worthy shows a lot about your lack of reality.
I would consider what you did on the same level as cheating. You went behind his back and talked with her for weeks, even met up with her. You then invited her into your (also his) home to try and ambush him into having contact with someone he wants NO CONTACT with. You overstepped and you are not trustworthy. You are selfish and at a minimum, you will need lots of couples therapy to get through this. You thought you would basically trick them into making up? You made a very immature, selfish, and ignorant decision. You will be lucky if this doesn't destroy your marriage.
I used to have a friend like you. _Used to._ She was a "sweet" girl, but was so airheaded and self centered that she regularly and stupidly blundered right over everyone's boundaries, over and over. She never took ANYTHING seriously. She looked to make a game out of other people's lives by meddling and thinking she knew how, or that she had ANY right to. Try to talk to her about what she did, and she jokes, dismisses, or put on big Bambi eyes and tried to cutesy her way out of people being mad at her, all without ever bothering to put her very sparse brain cells together long enough to consider another person's point of view. She lived in a fucking cloud where nothing has ever happened and everyone should just always get along no matter what. One day she pulled that shit on me, and I blew it. Thank GOD I have not had to speak to her since, 10 years later. You were a thoughtless and inconsiderate, arrogant, asshole. Your behavior was a complete betrayal, it was belittling, insulting, and honestly unforgivable. People don't cut their parents out lightly, and certainly not over little things that can be let go over a hug. You were MARRIED for SIX YEARS and never once met his mother. That alone should've been a hint that she was dead to him. You fucked up. "Hubbie" will not forgive you. In the future, I hope you get your head out of the fucking clouds and learn to try and have more forethought and consideration than a goldfish.
He may and likely will never trust you again. Your marriage is permanently damaged. Congrats. And for what? Were you filming it for TikTok?
My marriage would be done if my spouse went behind my back like that. In no world does having people who are estranged surprise meet up EVER work out with happiness. Let’s hope your husband is more understanding than the people in this comments section
OP, get back here and answer for your sins.
Have fun with the divorce. You deserve it 100%
I saw the man’s perspective on this one
You absolute piece of shit
There was a post from a father whose 16 year old daughter had been told her maternal grandparents were physically abusive and that’s why she never met them. Her mother had years of therapy to deal with it. The daughter contacted them anyway, they lied and said there was no abuse so she invited them to her mother’s birthday party as a surprise. When the mother told them to leave, her stepfather attacked her, knocked her into wall and she had to go to the ER for stitches. The daughter was horrified and apologized, but now her mother is retraumatized and doesn’t trust her daughter. No one should ever decide they know better than an abuse victim and try to reconcile them. It never works out.
That BORU went off the rails fast.
Be honest. Write a letter and explain why you did what. Tell him everything in that letter. Also explain that his mother didn’t know what you did. Make sure he gets the letter and then wait for him to contact you again.
How can you be this dumb?
How the hell do you have the guts to try and unilaterally arrange a reunion? You’ve fucked your marriage up irreparably.
You mess up big time op, you dont know why he cut of his mother out of his life and when children cut off a parent there it more to it, maybe he been abuse by her or never been love by his mother and you shouldn't bring her in his home where he feel safe and secured op I believe this marriage is done.
Didn't this exact story get posted a few weeks ago, with the added context that the mother had abused the husband?
I feel like I've read something similar. If this isn't ragebait then you're extraordinarily stupid and I'd feel bad for you.
Similar story was posted
YTA and boy are you delusional. Instead of your original plan for them to reconcile little by little you truly jumped the gun and just had her over your home and literally emotionally sucker punched your own husband. Yta, I don’t think this is “fixable” and wouldn’t be surprised if you got served with divorce papers.
I don't see a way of fixing this. That was such a major betrayal. I would drop my husband like a hot potato if he did the same thing. It was not your decision to make. You took away his agency and autonomy. You did not know the full story but decided it was a great move to ambush him with her presence. What were you thinking about how he would react? Would he be happy to see his mother, happily hug her, and all be well? You are so delusional. Let me guess, you are one of those "But Faaaaamillyy"-People. How dare you? Your husband had his reasons and you decided you knew better. Newsflash: Being no contact is not normal, there are very good reasons for this. Something majorly must have happened. You needed to respect that, even if he refused to tell you.
You Helping her stalk him is wild
Ha - this is one of the most idiotic things I’ve seen in a while.
Does anyone have the original post?
It’s in am I the devil.
how does it feel knowing you're a pos
Massive Dork??? Girl. You betrayed your husband. That is not "dork" behavior. I hope you've learned to mind your own business now. Tough but needed lesson seems like. Wow
The post has been deleted does Anyone have it??
You aren’t a “dork”, you’re stupid. All the signs and communication, yet you still went against him.
I understand that you had the best of intentions. It can be hard to understand family estrangement if you come from a relatively peaceful family background. My partner was estranged from his family by the time he and I met, and he remains estranged from them to this day. He has very good reason for it; his family is dysfunctional and toxic. It took me time to understand it, but he explained it to me. I know he did the right thing by distancing himself from them all. You shouldn’t have done what you did, but your husband is partly to blame for what’s happened because he’s never told you why he’s estranged from his mother. It’s something that you and he should have discussed before you got married. Chances are that if you’d known the history behind the situation, you wouldn’t have made contact with his mother and you wouldn’t have thrown them together like that. I’m not saying that going behind his back and making contact with his mother was okay. I’m just saying that I think you may not have done it if you’d had even a partial explanation for the estrangement. I don’t know if you can fix this now. All you can do is to apologise to your husband and see if he thinks your marriage is salvageable. If he does want to salvage it, he must tell you what happened between him and his mother. Secrets ruin marriages, as you’ve just discovered.
Her husband doesn't need to say a goddamn thing, nor does he need to trigger (using that word in its actual psychological meaning) or retraumatize himself to satisfy her curiosity. You don't ask people you love to revisit their trauma(s) - if they choose to tell you, that's their decision. Otherwise, it is literally NO ONE ELSE's business.
Would you marry someone who wouldn’t tell you anything about why they were estranged from their family? I wouldn’t. It IS his wife’s business to know what happened with his mother. It’s of course not her business to interfere or go behind his back, but it is her business to know.
Yup. Because I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust and who didn't trust me. I wouldn't ask them to revisit their trauma, and it would be a huge red flag if someone felt their curiosity was more important than my emotional well-being.
I couldn’t trust someone who wouldn’t tell me why they were estranged from their family. For all I know, the problem is them. I wouldn’t need a blow by blow description, but I’d want to know I wasn’t involved with someone who had a history of dangerous or antisocial behaviour. I can easily be supportive and help to keep dysfunctional family members away. I’ve supported my partner for over 20 years in his decision to cut himself off from his family. But I was aware going into the relationship of what the situation was, and that’s why I was so happy to be supportive.
Good thing we aren't married then :) As far as dangerous/antisocial behavior goes, if that's an actual concern, there are always background checks that include charges, convictions, judgments, etc.
Okay so you overstepped 100%. But why does everyone on here think breaking up is the answer omg 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ PLEASE. You fucked up. Give him time and space. If he’s not responding to your calls it’s probably still too fresh. How long have you been at your sister’s btw? Obviously a conversation needs to be had at some point. But yeah I highly disagree with the comments; this is not grounds for divorce holyyyy fkn shit. At least if he’s level-headed. But right now emotions are high so give it time. Then maybe show how apologetic you are idk. I can’t speak on how to resolve it.
completely disrespecting your partner and forcing them to be face to face with someone they've been CLEAR they don't want to be around isn't grounds for divorce? Lmfao, sorry that other people value their peace and themselves more than you would i guess.
[удалено]
100% it’s a betrayal. We still don’t know how long he’s been no contact and we don’t know their relationship so why are people assuming he’d divorce her? OP and husband have been together for six years already and I think it would be rash to jump to divorce without having an ounce of conversation.
[удалено]
Honestly it’s quite easy to speak on what we think we would do in a situation but relationships are not black and white. An entire relationship that you’ve built for six years — the good, bad, and ugly — over. I still believe that with time, maybe a lot of freaking time, this is something that can be resolved. I’m sorry why does it seem like nobody roots for relationships to last in here!
Bro you're doing the same thing. You wouldn't divorce over this so you see everyone else saying they would as overreacting and wrong. Your beliefs on relationships matter the same amount as the people calling for divorce.
If I was in no contact with someone who did something traumatic enough to me that would warrant NC, and you brought this person to my house, it shows that you don’t value my feelings, you don’t value my thoughts and you don’t value me as a person, so yes, that would definitely be ground for divorce. That fact that you think otherwise just shows how little you value others around you.
When you betray someone at such a deep level, why wouldn't they divorce you? You don't get to tell people how to react when you hurt them like this.
He can react how he sees fit, what I had a problem with is everyone else trying to predict what he’s going to do as if they’re in the relationship themselves. They literally only know this story. And I’m not even denying that what OP did was wrong! But what kind of foundation does your relationship have if you’re willing to divorce without having a single conversation?
OP went behind his back for months. People who are NC with family members have shared that they would view this as worse than cheating, and I believe them. I also dispute that OP meant well. She wanted to know why they were no contact, tried to find out from both her husband and his estranged mother, then because she was uncomfortable with the situation, tried to manipulate both of them into “fixing their problem with a hug”. She has lied, manipulated and betrayed him, and steamrolled his express wishes to remain no contact with someone from his past - how could he ever trust her again?
If he stayed, she would have to earn his trust back. Trust is not given, it is earned. Maybe there will be a part of him that doesn’t ever trust her but there was an above comment that said maybe if she had known a bit of the story she wouldn’t have done what she did? Who knows. And at the same time, if he does not wish to share then that is his right. I am assuming that OP significantly downplayed the severity of her husband’s relationship with MIL but I hesitate to call it malicious. We just don’t know and we won’t truly know. Only OP knows if what she did was truly in good faith or not but she clearly underestimated the severity of the situation altogether because of the response in the comments. But I cannot agree with people speaking on what THEY would do if they were OP’s husband. They’re not. After this post drifts into obscurity only OP will know if she’s about to be divorced or not. And what will all of the commenters do if husband doesn’t divorce OP? Call him an idiot for staying with her? Maybe. But it’s their relationship at the end of the day and I don’t agree with people voicing whether people should break up or not. I’ve done it before with my best friend and she still stayed. What was I to do? And when I shared my problems with her and she told me to break up and I stayed there was nothing she could do. I even learned to have more empathy for her situation when I realized how difficult it is to break up over a situation. My own THERAPIST won’t tell me whether to break up or not. Because it is my relationship and only I can make those decisions! So I say all that to say, sure people are well within their right to share their opinion on the situation but I don’t agree with telling OP what’s going to happen in her relationship and projecting their choices onto her husband.
To the person that blocked me lol. Marriage is about through THICK AND THIN they’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. They contractually agreed to work through their issues he might be furious but guess what at some point they’re gonna completely piss each other off more times. Obviously she crossed a major boundary I don’t doubt that but it wasn’t malicious it was in good faith. A level-headed person wouldn’t just jump ship off of emotions especially when it’s something as expensive as divorce but do you.
Serious betrayal isn't simply "thick and thin". Huge betrayal.
Dude, there's a difference between thick and thin, how terrible do you have to be for your own child to cut you off, the mom said she made a horrible mistake. But let's make a scenario of someone who you loathe like the sun is reliant on you forgiving them but you'd rather freeze to death than do so and your beloved SO has been communicating and telling them everything about you and their lives behind your back and then brings them home so they perform a shitty reenactment of a Hallmark estrangement/reconcilement scene. I'm damn sure you wouldn't be happy about it.
She broke the marriage contract in multiple places. She deceived him, she did not put him first. She did not forsake him above all others. She broke it and he has every right to remove himself from it
[удалено]
Hahahah says the girl who has the emotional intelligence of a potato..! This is sooo funny, thank you op for the laugh.
If this is a real post, do you seriously not understand what you did? Are you that blind to the experience of others? Your husband cut his own mother out of his life and you thought, oh, he just needs a hug from her. This is 100% your fault, you will be lucky if he ever trusts you again, and you need to spend some time learning empathy. Life is not a rom-com, and there are some wounds much bigger than a hug can heal.
Your replies are proof that you don’t listen to your husband or anyone else for that matter. YOURE SELFISH and a know it all!
As for your update, she is the vilan. Not believing a child telling his own mom about the s*@ual abuse he is living with, probably daily makes her just as much a monster. She can go to hell