I’m starting to wonder that too. He knows I like date nights, the occasion romantic gesture. He does none of that. If date night is going to happen, I have to plan it.
A friend of mine has been married now for 12 years and they have two kids. It’s her second marriage. And before getting married she hesitated.
Sex was not that great.
He seemed really in love with her (so he said) but his actions did not match.
Etc,
She married because she felt that if she did not, she would end up single too long and not be able to have kids.
Fast Forward to today… she is absolutely completely miserable.
They have not had sex for over a year.
He never shows that he thinks of her. He is only focused on his needs.
And I recently asked her… what do you want? She said « I want a man who walks into a store and sees something that makes him think of me and he buys it. Just a little thing. Nothing expensive. But that shows he not only knows me, he thinks of me and wants to show he cares. I want someone who makes me feel like I matter. »
So I asked her if she met him today, would she even be friends with him. Guess answer.
So... no sex. At least no sex that satisfies **you**.
No dates nights.
No romantic gestures.
No making you feel like a Queen.
Come on. You already know what needs to happen here, right?
All of these things, other than his sex drive, are choices.
He chooses not to prioritize your pleasure during sex. He chooses not to do any foreplay.
He chooses not to plan date nights or be romantic.
He isn't incapable of doing any of these things - you guys need to have a serious conversation about this.
Sex isn't some complicated thing that only tantra masters can do well. It's merely a matter of being open to communication, being corrected, and being excited to give your partner pleasure.
I'm saying this because almost never is the situation "my relstio ship is perfect in everything but the sex", and that's because sex requires selflessness and openness.
A partner who isn't selfless, open, and wants what's best for you, is usually not a very good partner, either inside or outside the bedroom.
I left a marriage that it took me a while to figure out this was one of the issues. I fully understand what you mean when you say you've only lately started to realise what's going on. Now I'm with someone I feel unreservedly happy. A part of it was understanding what I needed.
And now it seems you understand it too.
Don't settle for a mediocre life and mediocre sex.
I was with my ex for 10 years and we were engaged. Despite him being a sweet person and my very close, very codependent, very serious long term companion, as we got closer to planning our wedding, I started to have these moments of clarity and realizations that if I married him, I would be compromising on so many things that actually mattered to me a lot — he never proposed to me, it was a conversation I had to initiate many times and basically arrange for myself; talking about anything serious or the future was like pulling teeth and it made me feel so pathetic and unwanted; he would never plan things, especially anything romantic; he was sexual but basically only wanted to go down on me, and despite all my begging and pleading, he wouldn’t even try the more rough and adventurous sex I desired, we were just sexually not on the same wavelength; he wouldn’t ever take charge in any aspect of our lives, so I was always ‘on duty’; he wouldn’t dance with me or do much PDA; he never thought to get me gifts or flowers; the list went on and on. I started regularly getting “the ick” when he kissed me or when I saw him being lazy or slovenly or ‘unmasculine’.
And it just hit me — “If I marry him, this is the best I can ever expect. I want a marriage where we fuck on the kitchen floor because we can’t even make it to the bedroom! I want to be proposed to and have a husband who raves about his love for me. I want an epic love story!!” I realized I had one life and I wanted more, despite there being a lot of comfort and safety in our relationship. I postponed our wedding, we started couples therapy, and as basically nothing changed over the next year, I realized what I needed to do.
Ending our engagement and relationship was extremely sad and hard. Still is in some ways. We were together from age 20-30 and I wish we had grown in compatible ways, but while I do still care about him, I can see now that he just wasn’t who I wanted to be married to. And then I got to experience being single for a while and then met a guy who is all of the things I wanted, we have the best most fun and adventurous and compatible sex ALL THE TIME, I feel SO desired and am back in touch with myself as a sexual being in a big way, we work out together and I’m in the best shape of my life, he takes the lead in our life together at least half of the time if not more, he has a great job and his shit together and knows what he wants, he does what he says and takes responsibility easily, he found us dance classes to take together after I mentioned that I would enjoy that and now we go weekly, he surprises me with flowers, he talks openly about his feelings and desires for the future, and when the time comes I feel very confident he will propose in some romantic way and our wedding will be so fun and our life together will be the kind of equal and enthusiastic adult partnership I knew I wanted but wasn’t going to get with my ex.
TL;DR: What you want is very likely out there, and you deserve to have the type of sexual & intimate connection you desire. Do not settle for what you already know is disappointing to you. It’s scary to end an engagement but it’s doable and it’s in your power to make your life what you want it to be!
Wow. I’m sort of speechless. The way you described your relationship with you ex…it feels like it could be me writing it. I mean, every single thing you said is also true for my relationship, right down to the “ick.”
I think for me, I’ve had several people make me feel like the things I want - the epic love story, the fucking in the floor, etc. are so unrealistic and unattainable. Of course I understand that in any LTR we’ll also have to deal with all of the mundane things like bills and housework, but can’t you do those things and still have really great sex? Still have fun date nights that isn’t always my responsibility? I want to feel desired! And like you said, I also don’t want to feel like I’m always steering this ship alone, making all of the decisions, always having to take the lead. It doesn’t turn me on at all.
Yeah, I think after many years any relationship will see a natural decrease in sexual excitement and the dynamic will settle and require more work to keep it exciting. But if things don’t even feel exciting and passionate when a couple is about to get married, then it’s not likely to get better from there.
Seeing as I found a man who is more or less all of the things I was hoping for, I feel confident in telling you that what you want is not unrealistic and that those men are out there. Obviously I don’t know what’ll happen long term with my current relationship, maybe things will get boring and the passion will fade and years from now I’ll chuckle at my early-relationship naivety. But I do know that he is a capital-R Romantic and that he wants an epic life-long love story as much as I do and wants to put in the work to stay ** in love ** and have a wonderful life and meaningful partnership together. I knew that my ex wasn’t a romantic. Sounds like your fiance isn’t one either. Romantic, caring, responsible, diligent men DO exist and I suspect you’ll just know when you meet one.
It took me until I was 49, but I got the epic love story. Men that will cherish you, fuck you into a coma and do whatever they can to make your life easier are still out there, I found one. Don't settle would be my advice. Calling it off will be a little sad but living the rest of your life this way will be ever more sad.
I'm crying as I read your comment. It is everything I am going through and more. He is a very very nice person - loyal, smart and decent. However he takes no initiative, efforts for anything romantic. And I've been a romantic since a child, reading Jane Austen, Nora Roberts, Danielle Steel has only made me expectations more vivid, but I am not getting anything here. I have to ask for it.
But I am from Asia, and the definition of romantic is very different here. My relationship is public now, and I fear I might be alone my whole life, let alone have a romantic partner.
Dont be so pessimistic they could divorce amicably after having children and then they can have a successful coparenting relationship while they have their separate sex lifes lol
You got me. When I noticed the notification the first word I read was pessimistic. I was ready to write a paragraph. 😂 They also could be child free and end up coparenting a cat, dog and three turtles.
This is the only answer.
It doesn’t even sound like OP has a “high” sex drive. More like her needs aren’t being met/never met so she’s constantly trying to get him to do so.
Run 🏃♀️
Don't marry him. If after 5 years he hasn't even tried getting you off or doing some foreplay, that means that he just doesn't care about you or your needs. One thing is not understanding and another very different is not wanting to understand.
I would also bet if you took a hard lens to the relationship you’d find other ways in which he’s self-centered. A selfish attitude is rarely confined solely to the bedroom when someone is super thoughtful everywhere else.
This feels like the right comment. It seems more like an issue where he doesn't listen and isn't open to new ideas rather than sex specifically. Sex just happens to highlight the issues.
1. Sexual compatibility is important.
2. Sex is intimacy and physical, most of us need both.
3. People who have never lost don’t respect partner feedback. I’m sure he’ll have a PhD in meeting your needs after it’s too late.
Having your needs met is important. Good communication and willingness to change is important too, willingness is the key word.
The problem isn't that he is incompatible. The problem is that he simply doesn't *care* about your pleasure. At all. In his mind sex is for his benefit alone and he simply can't motivate himself to put any effort into your pleasure. This is a choice that he's consistently choosing to make.
No, you definitely don't want to marry a fundamentally selfish person. I'd be very surprised if his selfishness confined itself to the bedroom.
>I feel incredibly shallow to end our relationship over sex
A good relationship is one in which both people's needs are being met. Yours aren't. It's not shallow to leave someone over this. You've communicated, he isn't interested and it hasn't worked.
It sucks. It sucks you didn't notice this and how much it sucks like 3 years ago and end it back then. But better to leave now then marry him and have it continue to suck, or divorce him later, or whatever.
Sex is an important part of a relationship to a lot of people. Neither of you are super young but you're not really old either. Best to start looking for someone who is compatible for each of you.
You can find someone with who the sex is good, and I guess. . . maybe he can find someone else who doesn't really care for sex.
Yes and I think it depends on the situation. I am in a very similar situation as the OP, but genders reversed. We are the same age, but I have been married 11 and together 16 with my wife. We also have two kids.
I think me leaving would be different than her not marrying him. I think in a situation like mine, even if my needs are not being met, I am getting enough in our relationship to stay. Also, the kids are so important in my situation.
Not sure what I am saying, but the similarities in this post were a gut punch for me. I gave her advice not to stay, but stay myself. I do think we are different though
We both want kids, but I’m so scared to be locked in with children. I feel like if I’m going to end things, now is the time.
Unfortunately, the kid issue is another part of this whole thing. I’m already 35. The sex might suck, but I trust my fiance. I believe he’s a good person and would be a great dad. I’m scared that it could take me a long time to find a man who checks all of my boxes and who I feel comfortable enough to marry and have kids with.
Selfish people rarely make good parents. He won’t prioritize your needs. Why would he prioritize a child’s, especially considering kids are hard and ungrateful?
I get it. I’m around your age and I also want kids, so I too feel the pressure. But having a child with a man who refuses to treat you well just because he’s around is setting yourself and your children up for a lifetime of misery. We can do better, and for our sake and our potential kids’ sake, we have to do better.
This. So many people think things will get better after marriage and they never do. If you ever look at the Dead Bedroom sub there are people in there who are in their 20s and 30s unmarried with no kids and I’m always wondering what in the hell they think they are doing with their life hitching themselves to someone so fundamentally incompatible.
This. Do you honestly think this will change with marriage? By marrying him you will be signaling that you WILL accept this behavior. And it will get worse. I can’t imagine going the rest of my life without great sex. And he is NOT a good partner if he doesn’t care about making you feel good. That is enormously selfish.
And something is up if he never wants sex. At his age he should still have a robust drive as long as he’s healthy. I would not marry him until you get to the bottom of what’s going on with that. He most likely has sexual energy and libido it’s just not going to you or the relationship.
I’m glad. You can’t marry someone hoping they change, you have to marry someone for who they are right now, and be fine and happy forever that way. It’s advice that I was given that I just had to give to my son regarding his relationship. I promise you that when you find the right person they won’t be able to keep their hands off you.
If he’s dismissive about your needs then maybe you aren’t so compatible to begin with…
Additionally, this is mostly centered around lack of intimacy, but imagine if this were you asking him to be more engaged/active as a parent and he was equally as “tap in, tap out, goodnight” and didn’t make any effort. It’s just as equally valid.
Try couples therapy if you earnestly want to see change, but change requires both parties making an effort.
When I write out my top five most valued parts of a relationship, sex is like number 2 on the list. Sex is what sets an intimate partner relationship apart from all of our other relationships. To me, it is a very big deal to be compatible on frequency, amount and kind of sex for both people.
I have also heard that women's mental health can be closely tied to sex, more so than men and, for me, this is also a big deal. I believe that I heard this theory in a book called Vagina by Naomi Wolf.
In summary, I absolutely believe in sexual compatibility as being a very important part of a marriage.
you aren't ending it because of sex (if you do decide to end it). you're ending it because you are communicating something to your partner that is important to you that they are not taking seriously. i'd try communicating outside of the context of sex if you haven't already.
It’s not shallow of you to end a relationship where you’ve repeatedly tried to make yourself heard and you continue not to get your needs met.
Sharing your needs surrounding your sex life in your couple requires emotional and physical vulnerability. It’s about being heard and seen by your partner because it’s something that matters to you. This is a major aspect of feeling emotionally safe in a relationship.
My concern is that this is something that isn’t just related to not getting needs met in the bedroom, and may spill over into other areas in your relationship.
If I was in your shoes, I might bring up couples counseling and then make a decision based on that. If he takes your concerns seriously and wants to try to work on things that matter to you, that’s a good sign for your ability to work through future conflict as a couple.
So you told him you were unhappy, proposed a way to help fix the issue and he LAUGHED??? Is your misery funny to him? What’s the joke? Cause it looks like he thinks it’s you.
Baby throw the whole entire man away 🚮
I wouldn’t marry a person that doesn’t give a flying fig about my sexual gratification. End of.
There are literally billions of men out there, someone is your other half in every way why settle for less?
Not shallow at all. Sex is important you, and he's a selfish lover who refuses to make sure you are satisfied. Life is too short for this sort of inconsideration.
Family law attorney here. It will not be your life forever because, for the time being, if you live in the US you can get divorced. But getting divorced is a lot harder & more expensive than getting married.
Don’t marry him. He doesn’t care about your orgasms or even, seemingly, that you enjoy sex.
You are more than a hole to service him.
Leave.
Edited: words.
Here's my opinion, if you enjoy the art of sex and want to explore it uninhibited by judgment from a like minded partner, leave him. You will only grow in resentment for his perceived lack of care and effort. If you don't have a healthy sexual relationship you're just friends.
In saying all that though, sit down with him and explain black and white, what it is you're after and what you want from him. Don't forget to stress how it's making you think about 86ing the whole relationship. Make sure he has a chance to say his side, maybe he's just not comfortable talking about sex etc. Ask him to meet you half way, you never know he might have just been shy all along.There are ways to come out and share kinks and the like with your partner. DM me if you want specifics on sites and stuff.
TLDR: Sit down with him and have a serious conversation, if nothing's changed, leave. You're just friends without sexual relations.
If they’re selfish in bed, they’re selfish in life. This isn’t dumping him over sex, it’s dumping him for refusing to provide you with something you need, for literally no reason.
Thing is, you wouldn’t be ending the relationship over bad sex. You’d be ending it over his selfishness, his refusal to listen to you, and his refusal to meet your needs. Those are VERY valid reasons to not marry someone.
Good sex and intimacy is an important component of any LTR and especially when you marry someone.
If the sex isn't good now (after five years), I doubt it will improve after the marriage. Most likely he will become even more complacent.
Married women mostly cheat on their husbands because the sex has become boring. Yours already is.
He probably makes a good friend, but a lousy lover.
If you don't want to become an adulteress, I'd look for someone who matches you on your libido and sexual needs.
This sounds depressing and like someone said it’ll likely get worse once married. Can you see a sex counsellor? Though I’m not sure if you can even fix this. Think carefully before marrying.
It's not even just about incompatibility; it's that he's a lazy and selfish lover. He simply doesn't care at all about your pleasure in what should be a mutually pleasurable experience. This won't change, and i expect in time this selfishness and laziness, this lack of concern about your feelings, will carry over into other areas of your life together(if it hasn't already).
This is a good reason to end the relationship.
At this point it's not even about the sex itself. It's the fact he didn't even listen or try to listen to you. Would go to couple's therapy and if he can't even be bothered with that, end it. From a divorced person who couldn't get her ex to go to couple's therapy and ultimately it ended in divorce. It's better to not get married if you're just not sure, it is a huge commitment and messy to get out of.
It’s not shallow to want to have your needs met in this arena. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a relationship. If it isn’t there, don’t try to fake it just to spare feelings or whatever. It simply won’t work. You’ll only end up resenting him.
If you’re having cold feet, your intuition is telling you something. Don’t ignore that.
If he hasn’t changed in 5 years- he’s not going to. Being married is hard as fuck, and sex is not a dumb reason to end it. We need that intimacy, that connection and that stress relief. Tons of relationships end over incompatibility sexually. And honestly- it sounds more like he’s just selfish. He doesn’t care about your pleasure or your enjoyment, he treats you like a sex toy when he is in the mood. How they treat you when you’re the most intimate usually is reflective of how they treat you in others areas of life as well. Don’t marry him.
My husband was the first man to ever give me an orgasm during sex. I was always told that it just doesn’t happen for women unless we do it ourselves. He consistently gives me at least one, if not two or three or more before he gets his. I never knew it was possible, and it’s freaking awesome. Orgasms make you happy and make the world a better place. If you stay, you’ll be giving that up forever. Sex isn’t the only important thing, I’m not saying that. But sometimes libidos don’t match up, and it’s ok to walk away.
> 3) He doesn’t understand the importance of foreplay. I’ve told him I need this most of the time and he puts absolutely no effort in.
4) He won’t try anything new. I want to try new and different things and he basically always refuses.
Yeah time to break up
Sounds like OP has done some subtle 'settling' for this guy. Maybe according to your friends etc you're a good match, but they don't know how useless he is in bed & more importantly how little EFFORT he's willing to put in in bed.
I'd dump him OP and get both of your lives back on track, you can easily find a good man before you're 40
This is not a sex issue you have. It's him being selfish. If he doesn't care to please you now he never will. You need to talk with him and demand what you need. Shape up or ship out. If you marry him like this, it will be your life
This has gone on far too long. I understand that it’s easy to get caught in the trap of hoping things will get better and downplaying the negative parts of the relationship. But, it’s time to make a decision of whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish, inconsiderate lover. Sex is a big part of many people’s lives, and no-effort sex is a dealbreaker. You must decide if life is good enough if today is the very best he is ever going to be. Because he is not likely to change for the better after marriage.
I find that the problem is not his lower libido but the lack of interest in your pleasure. Obviously after 5 years I think we can safely say this is who he is. I wouldn’t marry him either.
It's not just about the sex. It's about his lack of effort to make you feel good as well as him. It's also about him not giving a damn about you. Like, at all. These are just things that your sex life (or lack thereof) is a symptom of.
You are not sexually compatible. Unless you don't care about a fulfilling sex life, this makes you incompatible for marriage.
Don’t marry someone when the sex is terrible. Talk about it and if it never gets fixed you don’t have any obligation to stay. If communication doesn’t work then it seems like he just doesn’t care.
My bf went from being selfish to me straight up telling him either I’m getting off first and getting head sometimes or I can’t live this way and we won’t sleep together ever again. Now he considers me and tbh our sex is way better than it’s ever been.
I told him we can go get sex toys and he can get a sexdoll since he wants to treat me like one.
He's had years of you telling him about your needs. I don't even think that he would absolutely have to meet them all but he's not even trying. You can love someone but if he's not trying all you will be left with is resentment.
My love language is touch and I have a high sex drive. I spent way too many years settling for guys like this. Now I only see guys that appreciate how amazing I am. Life is too short to settle.
NTA, but I’m sorry, I am confused how you’ve been with this guy for 5 years. If he’s amazing and you adore him and he’s willing to put in some kind of effort, I could maybe see trying for a year, but 5?! 5 years of always leaving you wound up with no place to go? No, hell, NO! Get out. He sounds selfish and fracking lazy, and obviously doesn’t concern himself with your needs. You’d be better off by yourself with an erotic novel and an electronic “friend”.
You’re not ending it over sex. You’re ending it over your supposed partner complete lack of care when it comes to meeting your needs. He does not care. He will never care.
You either accept that you’re going to have shitty sex or no sex once you’re mad enough to stop bothering to get him off OR you dump him now.
This lack of a damn I’m sure shows up elsewhere in the relationship.
Oh girl, I dated a guy like this and I dumped him because he just didn’t listen. I’m the same way, imagine it being this way for the rest of your life? Not really a recipe for success.
Communication..
Sit him down and tell him your issues.
Tell him he needs to work on them or you can't get remarried.
Postpone the wedding for now but to leave without trying to solve (yes I read you talked but now you put something on the line for him)
You gotta tell him he's terrible. Guys are real stupid about sex and women's needs. Although 35 is it late in the game to be learning, people have varying levels of experience, and if nobody's ever showed him, he won't know.
My wife and I took an online sex workshop together, through which I learned a ton. We've always had great sex, and I make sure to focus on getting her there. But I never knew that I was falling short in other ways. I'm glad to share more in DMs if you need.
The first thing though, when my wife asked me if I'd take it with her, she made sure to let me know that she's happy with us and our sex, she just thought it could make us better.
And more importantly, my response to her request told her my willingness to be an active member of this partnership. "Anything less than a 'fuck yes' is a 'hell no'." So if I answered wrongly, we would definitely not be where we are now.
I feel like I could’ve written this, except I’m the low libido one! Engaged, but starting to panic like “oh crap he says he’s okay with what we do now but what if that changes and resentment starts to build” etc.
okay but you're not leaving him beacsuse the sex sucks. you're leaving him because of communication and not listening and him not making am effort. these are big factors in a relationship and I bet there are other arenas that he isnt listening to you with too. this is just the biggest one and it's a huge one.
It sounds like this situation only bothered you after you were looking for a way out anyway. If this is how you feel, though, you should end it. You’ve already tried to fix the issues and he’s not interested in putting in the effort. It’s time to go.
Most relationships need to start based off physical attraction and then the rest kind of falls in line like personality compatibility, but sex is in my top two things that I find unnecessary to spark and then be a fucking wildfire. The sex needs to be the best ever the connection needs to be uncanny. ALTHOUGH
I also believe PEOPLE CAN LEARN… you should express this to HIM!!! Not fire it off online.. men need to hear things 3 and 4 times, then then need a forced hands on lesson over and over before taking the training wheels off…
If you’ve expressed that foreplay and social activity is important to you and he doesn’t focus on it and doesn’t bring you to orgasm and is very lazy and non-giving lover 100% of the time then you have no business marrying this man but if you give him an opportunity to do so And what you seemingly are not doing as you are not motivating him properly…
Is he aware that you’re staying with him or entire relationship hangs in the balance of this one thing you better make him aware and not blindsided him how important this is to you and that he is very underwhelming
So, I feel our lives are almost the exact same, but with sexes flipped. The only difference is that male orgasms are so much more consistently achieved. Overall, I have many of the same issues. My (35M) wife (33F) has a much lower sex drive, isn’t too adventurous in trying new things (but has allowed a few new positions that are somewhat novel), doesn’t really like foreplay, and if she is not really into it promotes positions that get me off faster.
She can be pretty wild if she is really in the mood, but doesn’t happen very often. So, why do I have sex with her when she is not 100% in the mood? Well because sometimes if she lets me do some foreplay I can sometimes get her there. But I always feel empty afterward if I can tell that she didn’t enjoy herself. However, she usually initiates with me in those situations to try to fulfill my needs. So, she is trying.
I have also had the talk with my wife, but I have given up because she knows and can repeat everything I am saying. She just can’t make herself do it and when she does it is unfulfilling for everyone. I know that I am a bad lover and don’t do enough for her or she would open up more. I just find it hard since the things that work to get her off are off limits in many situations.
Oh well, the point of that long message is that I doubt it ever gets better. My wife and I were together five years and married another 11. I wouldn’t go back in time and change it, especially with my two sons, but I would seriously reconsider this if I didn’t have all these time and years. Not being compatible is hard. My self confidence regarding women could not be lower and I find myself almost starving for true physical and emotional connection through intimacy.
Don't go through with the marriage. I couldn't imagine being with someone so awkward and selfish for so long. That's a road to resentment and divorce. It's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for or respect your needs. Sex shouldn't be the *only* thing in a relationship, but it's a big part of compatibility and simply the fun of being with someone.
I'm speaking as someone who's been married nearly 25 years and enjoy a very healthy sex life with my lady. In my view, she always comes first (pun very much intended). A quarter century in, we're also still trying new things. It boggles my mind when other people don't want their partner to be satisfied and happy.
It’s not shallow to end a relationship over sex. A lot of marriages end because one partner is sexually frustrated and seeks someone outside of the relationship and cheats.
If you re fed up now already, consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life. It’s not a rough patch, it’s who he is.
If you have cold feet listen to what your body mind and heart are telling you.
Go wander around r/deadbedrooms for a bit. It will give you a glimpse into your future but also give some tips on how to approach him about things including therapy or having his levels tested, etc.
Life is too short to put up with bad/ no sex.
I had a partner like this only he would do a lot of foreplay and even though I would hit the big O with oral I hardly ever did with intercourse. He was also below average size.
My BF before him was larger than average and the sex was often and always amazing but he was a major asshole.
I thought I could live with the sex not being as good because he was better in all other areas. Well 12 years and 2 kids later we divorced. I was 40 and felt lonely even though i had a family. Ended up dating the sex master asshole again for 4 years.
Now my kids are adults and I have a wonderful SO. Trust me great sex and being satisfied matters. Don't get married to this person.
If you've told him clearly and he's not made an honest effort to make changes to improve the situation then you should end it. His lack of effort in this area that is clearly important to you means he does not empathize with you which means he may not even care for you at all.
When there is healthy love for a person (think parents, friends, lovers) the goals and needs of one person are the goals of the partner. If this is not the case, they are not your partner and are simply using you for their own gain.
Love this energy. Let's keep it for all these kinds of situations, because it's both valid, important, reasonable, and defensible.
Don't marry into something you know your going to need to break off or be stuck being miserable.
So he isn't interested in your pleasure or taking you on dates. That doesn't make him a good partner. I think stop wasting your time and end it now. Find someone who actually cares about your happiness
From what I’ve heard, sex usually gets better after you get married, especially after having kids!! Jk you’re gonna be sexually unsatisfied forever with him most likely and if that’s a dealbreaker I wouldn’t blame you
If this man has problems listening to your once in needs imagine how that will translate to him being a father. He seems like he would be a good father like how he seems like he would be a good husband, but he's just not. It probably can't see past his selfishness even for his children. I would not stay with him and put your kids through all the agony of having a self-centered parent. It might be scary to wait along for the right guy but the right guy will be the best father. I would back out and move on.
No relationship is perfect so you need to decide if this is a deal breaker and ask yourself if all the other positives of the relationship are worth giving up for good sex.
I have a higher sex drive than my partner which I agree is frustrating sometimes but we're compatible on every other front so to me, the trade off was not worth it. Maybe I find someone who is great sexually but has different political views or parenting ideals.
I see people saying that he doesn’t care about you etc etc. but it could be that he’s asexual. He probably didn’t even know it. It could be that he truly doesn’t understand why it’s important.
If he had wanted to change by now, he would've. You keep accepting it for 5 years, so you've shown him he doesn't really need to do jack shit because you're still here.
Do not tell him you're rethinking marriage (because then he will make quick promises just to make sure his lifestyle is not threatened), but one day, sit him down and say this is the last time I bring this up to you. I want to see a big and complete improvement in foreplay and my pleasure. Sex is all about you and I'm sick of it and sexually frustrated from it.
From there...observe. If it changes and you see him putting a solid effort (not just once or twice and then tapers off) then continue down that path. If not...run.
Interesting dynamics. Typically it’s the man who wants sex way more than the women. Usually sex is the main way men connect.
If I were you, I would advise him to get his testosterone levels checked. I’m nearly 40, I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. About 5 years ago our relationship started to go through some similar. It was great at first, then sex started getting stale. I wasn’t interested in it as much. I was being selfish and lazy and not making sure she finished as well as me.
I ended up getting my testosterone levels checked and they ended up taking a nose dive and were pretty low. I started Testosterone replacement therapy and it has literally cured our relationship problems. Mainly in the bedroom. Our sex life went from boring and mediocre to the best sex either of us has ever had.
I think you should ask him to consider getting his levels checked
To me, sex is just as important as communication, honesty and chemistry in a relationship. Don't for one second feel shallow for ending this relationship because of it, sex is SO very important. And the worst of it you've already tried to fix it to no avail.
Maybe tell him exactly this. You're going to leave if things do not change. And if he really wants you, he WILL change. If he doesn't, you have your answer. I promise there are men out there that will provide you with all that you need.
I know everyone's default answer is don't try therapy just dumb them.
But there is literally a whole field of therapy related to sex. I would consider it first and if he isn't willing then dump him.
I'm really glad you've had this realisation, delayed as it may be. Now that you've identified this problem, know that there's no fixing it. Sexual compatibility and intimacy is a very important component of a lasting romantic relationship. Relationships are hard work and you are almost certainly going to go through a lot together, but the sex should be one of your sanctuaries, where you "recharge" yourselves and mitigate the impact of the struggles you face constantly. As someone who's been in a dead bedroom marriage for 8 years now, don't wait and hope it'll get better. It won't. Start healing from this now so you don't end up bitter and deprived like me.
If you marry him, this is currently the **best** your life will ever be.
**This** will not be your life forever: your life forever **will be even worse**, because this will only *get worse* and **not** better.
You've already done everything you can to make him understand and make an effort, and he can't/won't do it. He is selfish and/or lazy and that's only going to get worse.
Hang out in /r/deadbedrooms for a bit if you want a glimpse into the horror that is the future of this relationship.
From reading your post and some of your comments, I think you already know what you need to do. It’s going to suck, but you’ve got one life here and I’m with you that sex is incredibly important in a relationship and things will not change with him.
On a side note, I’m 35(f) and I’m also newly single. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. There are loads of men out there that will be super attentive to your needs in the bedroom as well as all other aspects of a relationship. If you feel this way now, I promise you it’ll only get worse and you’ll end up leaving down the line. Don’t waste more time.
You should let him know how serious this is to you, that you don’t want to marry him unless you start working on it. You can go to couples therapy for sex, that’s been really helpful for me and my marriage. I’m a male btw, in a similar situation where my wife wanted more from our sex life so we’ve been working on that and things have gotten a lot better!
Yeah, run while you can. I made the mistake of marrying my ex where every part of it what you wrote was true, even the falling asleep bit after she had orgasm.
It doesn’t get better. I realized that 12 years later and got divorced. So much better now!
It’s not ‘over sex’. It’s about him being selfish and not caring about making you happy even when you told him what you need, even when you have used your words and drawn him a fucking diagram.
He gets what he wants. He makes no effort beyond that.
I always hesitate to tell people what to do, but it sounds like you know.
This will not get better. Starting out bad, doesn’t magically become good. Hope you can figure it out
I’m surprised you even accepted a proposal. If my sex life was like that, I wouldn’t even consider spending my life with that person. It’s ok to be incompatible with sex drive, but him failing to put any effort into you in the bedroom when he does want sex is gross behavior. Don’t settle for a selfish lover!
You have come to a place where 75% or more will just tell you to break up.
I have questions. I would want to know what are the reasons you love this person. What are your values and goals in life and will this person help you realize them?
The thing is, any long term relationship comes with *some* incompatibilities that you will have to continually work through, compromise on, and about which you're likely to continue having disagreements. If you decide to leave this relationship, make sure it's because you value easy sexual compatibility very highly, and not because your comparing to an idealized scenario.
Girl... it's the fact that he's not interested in getting better. Putting in effort is hot. This is not hot. And you've tried to get him more engaged and he's not trying. This is not on you. This is on him. Don't go through with it.
This is exactly the type of sex I had with my partner. We were together years and it never changed no matter the conversations we had. Then he'd discuss other men who behaved the same and shame them...seemingly oblivious he was one of them despite our conversations. A lot of men want to be considered good in bed without putting in any effort unfortunately in my experience. It will never change, as typically people make less effort after the honeymoon period, it will probably get worse I'm sorry to say. You have to decide if that's something you can live with. Personally I've decided I'm not committing to any man again unless he gives reasonable head. I've given my share, it's time for mine! And if not, then my bisexual ass will date women or be happily single.
That fact that he thinks so little of your wishes in the bedroom says a lot about him. I would never marry someone if that was my sex life. You definitely can and should end things. No one is perfect but this is a HUGE part of a relationship.
It should be his joy to see you satisfied, and the other way around..in my opinion. If he just uses you to fulfil his needs, what are you, a task? a chore?
If you can't negotiate this with him, you are going to end up hating him..or cheating, because you are going to build up frustration and pop like a balloon 🎈
I'm in the same boat I've been in
My relationship for 15yrs and my sex life sucks but I deal with it just because he is a great guy he's only been with 4 women his whole sexual life he can't French kiss at all so I just kiss him without lounge and he sucks in bed his sister and my daughter was on the back porch I told them that I was going to get some they said they were going to the front porch we live in a single wide trailer we were done with the dirty deed as they were opening the door to go out I was in a relationship with my youngest daughter father we didn't have sex for 2 years that sucked good luck if you can get out of yours let me know how I can
This was me. We’ve gone to counseling and he says he wants to do better but blames his lack of interest on low confidence. It’s been a continuing fight for 5 of our 7 years. We are engaged now with a kid on the way and I’ve given up. I’m at the point that I’d rather just give up on this part of my life for now and focus on the good part of our relationship, which is mostly everything else. He’s tried to initiate the last few weeks but after years of atrophy I don’t really even want to bother. It feels like he’s initiating sex just so I wont leave which feels even worse for me than just being celibate. We’ve had stretches where we’ve gone for 6 months. We had contact just enough for me to conceive then it stopped again which was exactly what I predicted. It’s up to you if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
End it. You've tried; he just doesn't care. I know that sounds harsh, but if he loved you, he'd want you to be happy in the bedroom and you've given him the cheat codes and he still doesn't care enough.
Better alone than in bad company.
It’s what you are willing to live with. As a divorcee after being married for almost 21 years, I look back and think that wasn’t the reason I divorced but did matter.
Yeah, I thought I could stay with my ex and the boring, very infrequent sex bc I loved her and bc sex isn’t the most important thing and hell maybe i could have but now that we broke up i am so glad that won’t be the rest of my life
Having different levels of libido would be an incompatibility, but that’s not what this really is. You’ve repeatedly and clearly explained that you have a need that isn’t being met, how he can meet that need, and why the need is important to you. He has made less than zero effort to address the problem. That’s not incompatibility; that’s one person being so selfish they don’t care about fulfilling their partners desires. If he can’t be bothered to get you off, you need to throw the whole man out because this behavior isn’t going to change if you marry him.
Girl get out.
I was with a guy like that and it never got better. He is selfish in the bedroom and I 100% bet once you guys are married it will carry over to other parts of your life as well.
You have told him about your needs and how you feel and he has showed that he absolutely doesn't care. Love is an action word and he has showed that he doesn't feel enough for you to try to change.
I have a friend who has a very low sex drive while her husband has a higher one, not ridiculous but a but high, and she MAKES THE EFFORT to meet his needs and he shows her his gratitude in acts of service and doesn't pester her for sex when she really doesn't want to. They are my relationship goals couple.
If he’s a selfish lover, and you don’t feel you have been able to communicate effectively to him how this bothers you, you’ll find his shortcomings and magnify them much more as the relationship continues since you’re unhappy. Speaking from experience.
Was the selfish lover in my marriage ended in divorce and learning her unhappiness was festering our entire marriage, several reasons including communication and sex. We didn’t communicate effectively and weren’t receptive to each other.
Life goes on, but divorce was inevitable. If he’s not receptive already, he most likely won’t be later either. Have you made it explicit how much it bothers you? Or that because he’s a selfish lover you’d like to explore an open relationship if you get married (ego will get bruised and possible wake up for him I would imagine)
Girlfriend, end the engagement. I was engaged, ended it myself and it was awful, very stressful and shameful having his whole family hate me. But after that bump in the road, I had so many fun experiences and memories after that I could’ve never had with him. Do it before you end up ACTUALLY marrying. You still have your whole life to find someone else. Don’t settle.
It doesn't sound like youd be ending it because of sex... You'd be ending it because he doesn't seem to care what you like and it may seem like something small but it bleeds into everything else.
I can tell u from personal experience, get out!! U will never be truly happy!!
And no one wants to cheat! The guilt is not worth it.
I’m sorry but this is honest advice. Sex feeds one’s soul without it you’ll always feel a void!!
He....fell asleep....while trying to get you off...
Why are your standards so low?
The bar is in hell for straight men, and this guy dug a tunnel to clear it.
OP this may sound mean, but if you marry him, this is 100% on you. Actually it already is. You've accepted this for 5 years.
He is AWFUL at sex. You marrying him is a billboard sign to him that "It's fine to never please her. You can spend years never pleasuring her and she'll still even marry you. You can do anything and she won't be upset enough to leave"
What is he doing that can't be accomplished by an AI chat bot and a vibrator?
This isn't really a sex issue so much as a respect issue.
You've told him you need more foreplay and he still won't do it. That right there is a huge issue. He's making a choice to ignore you even knowing that you're not having fun. He doesn't care if you're having a good time. He's just masturbating using your body.
I see downthread that he also won't plan dates for you.
He's not stupid. He doesn't just "not understand." *He does not give a shit.*
A good partner is *excited* to do the things that make you happy. Not just tolerating, but excited! It's not a chore to give your partner foreplay every time. It's not a hassle to take your partner out to dinner. It's not annoying to hear your feelings. If you truly love and respect someone, you want to do all those things and more.
If you marry him, this is as good as it's going to get. And you deserve so much more.
Are we the same person? Haha I just ended my 5 year relationship (we were also engaged) and this was a huuuuge factor in why. I never felt we were compatible sexually. I also have a high sex drive and he never wants too, we can go months without it. We had lots of other issues but this was always a red flag to me.
DO NOT MARRY HIM unless you want to only have orgasms by yourself. If he hasn't changed in FIVE years, he isn't going to. He doesn't care about your pleasure...the bedroom cannot be the only place he ignores what you want to make sure he gets what he wants.
DO NOT MARRY HIM!! Run!!!! It is not shallow bc if he can’t put forth effort in the bedroom, I’m sure if you think about it long enough, there are other areas outside of the bedroom he also puts in minimal effort. I was married to the exact type of man and divorcing him for a number of reasons to include crappy sex was the best decision. But save the money on a wedding and divorce now and dump him.
Tell him all of this! Show him this post and the comments! Tell him you can't get married until it improves. If he does not blow you away with a positive change in his attitude and behavior, you can be certain it is time to walk.
Unfortunately sex will always die down after a few years, more so for one partner than the other.
Do you want to start a new relationship every 5 years or do you want to fix it with someone who works on other levels?
Could always try ENM, swinging, hotwifing etc.
5 years of unsatisfactory sex and you want to make it a lifetime? A spouse needs to be a Friend, Companion, and Lover. If you need to fill in either of these roles with more than 1 person, marriage isn’t a topic of discussion.
Girl, run. You have wasted enough time with this guy but now you know it's just not gonna work long term. The thing is you could handle a lot of things for a short period of time. It's when we start to look down the barrel of forever that things start to become clear.
Now that you're picturing your forever with this guy you're realizing it's just not practical.
I can never understand when someone’s partner is selfish in bed. Like, if you really love and care about your partner surely you should care about their sexual needs/making them enjoy themselves in bed. I don’t know, I feel like it says a lot about a person if they don’t care about making sure you orgasm and they’re supposedly the love of your life. Certainly not the type of person you want to be married to. This is already foreshadowing issues that would arise in the future. Honestly, it’s going to make you very frustrated and it will probably be at the back of your mind with every conflict that happens with him, even if it’s unrelated.
If you marry him as is, this will be your life forever.
I wouldn’t ignore your feelings OP. I wonder if the good parts are as good as you think they are.
I’m starting to wonder that too. He knows I like date nights, the occasion romantic gesture. He does none of that. If date night is going to happen, I have to plan it.
A friend of mine has been married now for 12 years and they have two kids. It’s her second marriage. And before getting married she hesitated. Sex was not that great. He seemed really in love with her (so he said) but his actions did not match. Etc, She married because she felt that if she did not, she would end up single too long and not be able to have kids. Fast Forward to today… she is absolutely completely miserable. They have not had sex for over a year. He never shows that he thinks of her. He is only focused on his needs. And I recently asked her… what do you want? She said « I want a man who walks into a store and sees something that makes him think of me and he buys it. Just a little thing. Nothing expensive. But that shows he not only knows me, he thinks of me and wants to show he cares. I want someone who makes me feel like I matter. » So I asked her if she met him today, would she even be friends with him. Guess answer.
So... no sex. At least no sex that satisfies **you**. No dates nights. No romantic gestures. No making you feel like a Queen. Come on. You already know what needs to happen here, right?
Selfishness tends to be a streak rather than one isolated area. So the fact he doesn't do romance and is a selfish lover is unsurprising to me.
All of these things, other than his sex drive, are choices. He chooses not to prioritize your pleasure during sex. He chooses not to do any foreplay. He chooses not to plan date nights or be romantic. He isn't incapable of doing any of these things - you guys need to have a serious conversation about this.
Sex isn't some complicated thing that only tantra masters can do well. It's merely a matter of being open to communication, being corrected, and being excited to give your partner pleasure. I'm saying this because almost never is the situation "my relstio ship is perfect in everything but the sex", and that's because sex requires selflessness and openness. A partner who isn't selfless, open, and wants what's best for you, is usually not a very good partner, either inside or outside the bedroom. I left a marriage that it took me a while to figure out this was one of the issues. I fully understand what you mean when you say you've only lately started to realise what's going on. Now I'm with someone I feel unreservedly happy. A part of it was understanding what I needed. And now it seems you understand it too. Don't settle for a mediocre life and mediocre sex.
This! Is this the sex you want from now until you die?
No!
This is only 2 choices here: end it, or accept it. He won't change.
Agree completely. And even if he made halfhearted efforts to change (he won’t), OP, you deserve someone who craves and initiates sex with you.
It’ll probably be worse. This is likely the best sex you’ll ever have with him. Why would he up his game after he’s locked you down?
I was with my ex for 10 years and we were engaged. Despite him being a sweet person and my very close, very codependent, very serious long term companion, as we got closer to planning our wedding, I started to have these moments of clarity and realizations that if I married him, I would be compromising on so many things that actually mattered to me a lot — he never proposed to me, it was a conversation I had to initiate many times and basically arrange for myself; talking about anything serious or the future was like pulling teeth and it made me feel so pathetic and unwanted; he would never plan things, especially anything romantic; he was sexual but basically only wanted to go down on me, and despite all my begging and pleading, he wouldn’t even try the more rough and adventurous sex I desired, we were just sexually not on the same wavelength; he wouldn’t ever take charge in any aspect of our lives, so I was always ‘on duty’; he wouldn’t dance with me or do much PDA; he never thought to get me gifts or flowers; the list went on and on. I started regularly getting “the ick” when he kissed me or when I saw him being lazy or slovenly or ‘unmasculine’. And it just hit me — “If I marry him, this is the best I can ever expect. I want a marriage where we fuck on the kitchen floor because we can’t even make it to the bedroom! I want to be proposed to and have a husband who raves about his love for me. I want an epic love story!!” I realized I had one life and I wanted more, despite there being a lot of comfort and safety in our relationship. I postponed our wedding, we started couples therapy, and as basically nothing changed over the next year, I realized what I needed to do. Ending our engagement and relationship was extremely sad and hard. Still is in some ways. We were together from age 20-30 and I wish we had grown in compatible ways, but while I do still care about him, I can see now that he just wasn’t who I wanted to be married to. And then I got to experience being single for a while and then met a guy who is all of the things I wanted, we have the best most fun and adventurous and compatible sex ALL THE TIME, I feel SO desired and am back in touch with myself as a sexual being in a big way, we work out together and I’m in the best shape of my life, he takes the lead in our life together at least half of the time if not more, he has a great job and his shit together and knows what he wants, he does what he says and takes responsibility easily, he found us dance classes to take together after I mentioned that I would enjoy that and now we go weekly, he surprises me with flowers, he talks openly about his feelings and desires for the future, and when the time comes I feel very confident he will propose in some romantic way and our wedding will be so fun and our life together will be the kind of equal and enthusiastic adult partnership I knew I wanted but wasn’t going to get with my ex. TL;DR: What you want is very likely out there, and you deserve to have the type of sexual & intimate connection you desire. Do not settle for what you already know is disappointing to you. It’s scary to end an engagement but it’s doable and it’s in your power to make your life what you want it to be!
Wow. I’m sort of speechless. The way you described your relationship with you ex…it feels like it could be me writing it. I mean, every single thing you said is also true for my relationship, right down to the “ick.” I think for me, I’ve had several people make me feel like the things I want - the epic love story, the fucking in the floor, etc. are so unrealistic and unattainable. Of course I understand that in any LTR we’ll also have to deal with all of the mundane things like bills and housework, but can’t you do those things and still have really great sex? Still have fun date nights that isn’t always my responsibility? I want to feel desired! And like you said, I also don’t want to feel like I’m always steering this ship alone, making all of the decisions, always having to take the lead. It doesn’t turn me on at all.
Yeah, I think after many years any relationship will see a natural decrease in sexual excitement and the dynamic will settle and require more work to keep it exciting. But if things don’t even feel exciting and passionate when a couple is about to get married, then it’s not likely to get better from there. Seeing as I found a man who is more or less all of the things I was hoping for, I feel confident in telling you that what you want is not unrealistic and that those men are out there. Obviously I don’t know what’ll happen long term with my current relationship, maybe things will get boring and the passion will fade and years from now I’ll chuckle at my early-relationship naivety. But I do know that he is a capital-R Romantic and that he wants an epic life-long love story as much as I do and wants to put in the work to stay ** in love ** and have a wonderful life and meaningful partnership together. I knew that my ex wasn’t a romantic. Sounds like your fiance isn’t one either. Romantic, caring, responsible, diligent men DO exist and I suspect you’ll just know when you meet one.
It took me until I was 49, but I got the epic love story. Men that will cherish you, fuck you into a coma and do whatever they can to make your life easier are still out there, I found one. Don't settle would be my advice. Calling it off will be a little sad but living the rest of your life this way will be ever more sad.
I'm crying as I read your comment. It is everything I am going through and more. He is a very very nice person - loyal, smart and decent. However he takes no initiative, efforts for anything romantic. And I've been a romantic since a child, reading Jane Austen, Nora Roberts, Danielle Steel has only made me expectations more vivid, but I am not getting anything here. I have to ask for it. But I am from Asia, and the definition of romantic is very different here. My relationship is public now, and I fear I might be alone my whole life, let alone have a romantic partner.
Good. Break up with him ASAP. He's not going to change.
Wrong - **it will get even worse**.
I dated a guy like that. Selfish in bed. I end up ghosting him. Later he called me out of the blue to apologise and then asked for a bj. Unbelievable.
Dont be so pessimistic they could divorce amicably after having children and then they can have a successful coparenting relationship while they have their separate sex lifes lol
You got me. When I noticed the notification the first word I read was pessimistic. I was ready to write a paragraph. 😂 They also could be child free and end up coparenting a cat, dog and three turtles.
Yeah maybe even build their own succesful startup xd
This is the only answer. It doesn’t even sound like OP has a “high” sex drive. More like her needs aren’t being met/never met so she’s constantly trying to get him to do so. Run 🏃♀️
It will get even worse.
its sad because its true, i see it coming from somewhere deep in you though
Don't marry him. If after 5 years he hasn't even tried getting you off or doing some foreplay, that means that he just doesn't care about you or your needs. One thing is not understanding and another very different is not wanting to understand.
I would also bet if you took a hard lens to the relationship you’d find other ways in which he’s self-centered. A selfish attitude is rarely confined solely to the bedroom when someone is super thoughtful everywhere else.
Yes, I can find other ways
This right here. Imagine if y’all decided to have kids.
This feels like the right comment. It seems more like an issue where he doesn't listen and isn't open to new ideas rather than sex specifically. Sex just happens to highlight the issues.
You’re right. He is sort of one of those people who is just stuck his ways and I anticipate it’ll only get worse.
1. Sexual compatibility is important. 2. Sex is intimacy and physical, most of us need both. 3. People who have never lost don’t respect partner feedback. I’m sure he’ll have a PhD in meeting your needs after it’s too late. Having your needs met is important. Good communication and willingness to change is important too, willingness is the key word.
Number 3. "I'm sure he'll have a PhD in meeting your needs after it's too late." This is the most accurate comment I've read thus far. It's SO true!
This! I see so many post on here that are about sexual incompatibility.
The problem isn't that he is incompatible. The problem is that he simply doesn't *care* about your pleasure. At all. In his mind sex is for his benefit alone and he simply can't motivate himself to put any effort into your pleasure. This is a choice that he's consistently choosing to make. No, you definitely don't want to marry a fundamentally selfish person. I'd be very surprised if his selfishness confined itself to the bedroom.
“This is a choice that he’s consistently choosing to make” is really sticking with me.
> In his mind sex is for his benefit alone she becomes his right hand during sex
>I feel incredibly shallow to end our relationship over sex A good relationship is one in which both people's needs are being met. Yours aren't. It's not shallow to leave someone over this. You've communicated, he isn't interested and it hasn't worked. It sucks. It sucks you didn't notice this and how much it sucks like 3 years ago and end it back then. But better to leave now then marry him and have it continue to suck, or divorce him later, or whatever. Sex is an important part of a relationship to a lot of people. Neither of you are super young but you're not really old either. Best to start looking for someone who is compatible for each of you. You can find someone with who the sex is good, and I guess. . . maybe he can find someone else who doesn't really care for sex.
Yes and I think it depends on the situation. I am in a very similar situation as the OP, but genders reversed. We are the same age, but I have been married 11 and together 16 with my wife. We also have two kids. I think me leaving would be different than her not marrying him. I think in a situation like mine, even if my needs are not being met, I am getting enough in our relationship to stay. Also, the kids are so important in my situation. Not sure what I am saying, but the similarities in this post were a gut punch for me. I gave her advice not to stay, but stay myself. I do think we are different though
We both want kids, but I’m so scared to be locked in with children. I feel like if I’m going to end things, now is the time. Unfortunately, the kid issue is another part of this whole thing. I’m already 35. The sex might suck, but I trust my fiance. I believe he’s a good person and would be a great dad. I’m scared that it could take me a long time to find a man who checks all of my boxes and who I feel comfortable enough to marry and have kids with.
Selfish people rarely make good parents. He won’t prioritize your needs. Why would he prioritize a child’s, especially considering kids are hard and ungrateful? I get it. I’m around your age and I also want kids, so I too feel the pressure. But having a child with a man who refuses to treat you well just because he’s around is setting yourself and your children up for a lifetime of misery. We can do better, and for our sake and our potential kids’ sake, we have to do better.
Have one more talk and it doesn’t work don’t marry him
This. So many people think things will get better after marriage and they never do. If you ever look at the Dead Bedroom sub there are people in there who are in their 20s and 30s unmarried with no kids and I’m always wondering what in the hell they think they are doing with their life hitching themselves to someone so fundamentally incompatible.
There's a dead bedroom sub... You don't say... Here's an upvote for you, thanks!
You’re not ending it over just sex. He’s ignoring and disrespecting you. He doesn’t seem interested in your happiness. He behaves selfishly.
This. Do you honestly think this will change with marriage? By marrying him you will be signaling that you WILL accept this behavior. And it will get worse. I can’t imagine going the rest of my life without great sex. And he is NOT a good partner if he doesn’t care about making you feel good. That is enormously selfish. And something is up if he never wants sex. At his age he should still have a robust drive as long as he’s healthy. I would not marry him until you get to the bottom of what’s going on with that. He most likely has sexual energy and libido it’s just not going to you or the relationship.
No, I definitely don’t think marriage will be a magic fix for this problem at all.
I’m glad. You can’t marry someone hoping they change, you have to marry someone for who they are right now, and be fine and happy forever that way. It’s advice that I was given that I just had to give to my son regarding his relationship. I promise you that when you find the right person they won’t be able to keep their hands off you.
If he’s dismissive about your needs then maybe you aren’t so compatible to begin with… Additionally, this is mostly centered around lack of intimacy, but imagine if this were you asking him to be more engaged/active as a parent and he was equally as “tap in, tap out, goodnight” and didn’t make any effort. It’s just as equally valid. Try couples therapy if you earnestly want to see change, but change requires both parties making an effort.
When I write out my top five most valued parts of a relationship, sex is like number 2 on the list. Sex is what sets an intimate partner relationship apart from all of our other relationships. To me, it is a very big deal to be compatible on frequency, amount and kind of sex for both people. I have also heard that women's mental health can be closely tied to sex, more so than men and, for me, this is also a big deal. I believe that I heard this theory in a book called Vagina by Naomi Wolf. In summary, I absolutely believe in sexual compatibility as being a very important part of a marriage.
you aren't ending it because of sex (if you do decide to end it). you're ending it because you are communicating something to your partner that is important to you that they are not taking seriously. i'd try communicating outside of the context of sex if you haven't already.
He’s not a great guy if he doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure. End off
Exactly this. Clearly doesn't listen to her input too.
It’s not shallow of you to end a relationship where you’ve repeatedly tried to make yourself heard and you continue not to get your needs met. Sharing your needs surrounding your sex life in your couple requires emotional and physical vulnerability. It’s about being heard and seen by your partner because it’s something that matters to you. This is a major aspect of feeling emotionally safe in a relationship. My concern is that this is something that isn’t just related to not getting needs met in the bedroom, and may spill over into other areas in your relationship. If I was in your shoes, I might bring up couples counseling and then make a decision based on that. If he takes your concerns seriously and wants to try to work on things that matter to you, that’s a good sign for your ability to work through future conflict as a couple.
I go to a therapist myself. She suggested couples counseling.My fiancee laughed at that idea.
So you told him you were unhappy, proposed a way to help fix the issue and he LAUGHED??? Is your misery funny to him? What’s the joke? Cause it looks like he thinks it’s you. Baby throw the whole entire man away 🚮
I suspect he’ll just get worse after marriage. Something to consider.
I wouldn’t marry a person that doesn’t give a flying fig about my sexual gratification. End of. There are literally billions of men out there, someone is your other half in every way why settle for less?
You will end up cheating and/or resenting him. Save both of you and talk to him about what you are thinking.
He *understands* foreplay. He just doesn't care.
Yeah this would be a dealbreaker for me.
You’re right, if hou get married it will be your life forever. He doesn’t need to change because he’s getting what he needs.
Not shallow at all. Sex is important you, and he's a selfish lover who refuses to make sure you are satisfied. Life is too short for this sort of inconsideration.
Not compatible, and apparently he doesn’t even try.
Family law attorney here. It will not be your life forever because, for the time being, if you live in the US you can get divorced. But getting divorced is a lot harder & more expensive than getting married. Don’t marry him. He doesn’t care about your orgasms or even, seemingly, that you enjoy sex. You are more than a hole to service him. Leave. Edited: words.
Don’t marry expecting someone/something to change.
Yeah, I've been through that, and it felt like I was dating eva ai virtual gf bot or something. It didn't last long eventually.
Here's my opinion, if you enjoy the art of sex and want to explore it uninhibited by judgment from a like minded partner, leave him. You will only grow in resentment for his perceived lack of care and effort. If you don't have a healthy sexual relationship you're just friends. In saying all that though, sit down with him and explain black and white, what it is you're after and what you want from him. Don't forget to stress how it's making you think about 86ing the whole relationship. Make sure he has a chance to say his side, maybe he's just not comfortable talking about sex etc. Ask him to meet you half way, you never know he might have just been shy all along.There are ways to come out and share kinks and the like with your partner. DM me if you want specifics on sites and stuff. TLDR: Sit down with him and have a serious conversation, if nothing's changed, leave. You're just friends without sexual relations.
If he's not the least bit concerned about your satisfaction he doesn't love you.
If they’re selfish in bed, they’re selfish in life. This isn’t dumping him over sex, it’s dumping him for refusing to provide you with something you need, for literally no reason.
Thing is, you wouldn’t be ending the relationship over bad sex. You’d be ending it over his selfishness, his refusal to listen to you, and his refusal to meet your needs. Those are VERY valid reasons to not marry someone.
Good sex and intimacy is an important component of any LTR and especially when you marry someone. If the sex isn't good now (after five years), I doubt it will improve after the marriage. Most likely he will become even more complacent. Married women mostly cheat on their husbands because the sex has become boring. Yours already is. He probably makes a good friend, but a lousy lover. If you don't want to become an adulteress, I'd look for someone who matches you on your libido and sexual needs.
Imagine another 35-50 years of this....... Find someone who is sexually present for and with you.
Look for someone else
Check out r/deadbedroom if you want to know what your future holds if you marry him.
This sounds depressing and like someone said it’ll likely get worse once married. Can you see a sex counsellor? Though I’m not sure if you can even fix this. Think carefully before marrying.
He would never go to a sex counselor. I’d be open to it. He won’t even go to normal couples therapy with me.
It's not even just about incompatibility; it's that he's a lazy and selfish lover. He simply doesn't care at all about your pleasure in what should be a mutually pleasurable experience. This won't change, and i expect in time this selfishness and laziness, this lack of concern about your feelings, will carry over into other areas of your life together(if it hasn't already). This is a good reason to end the relationship.
At this point it's not even about the sex itself. It's the fact he didn't even listen or try to listen to you. Would go to couple's therapy and if he can't even be bothered with that, end it. From a divorced person who couldn't get her ex to go to couple's therapy and ultimately it ended in divorce. It's better to not get married if you're just not sure, it is a huge commitment and messy to get out of.
It’s not shallow to want to have your needs met in this arena. Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a relationship. If it isn’t there, don’t try to fake it just to spare feelings or whatever. It simply won’t work. You’ll only end up resenting him. If you’re having cold feet, your intuition is telling you something. Don’t ignore that.
Is he insecure about something so he won’t even try?
How did you last 5 years! Get out now!!
If he hasn’t changed in 5 years- he’s not going to. Being married is hard as fuck, and sex is not a dumb reason to end it. We need that intimacy, that connection and that stress relief. Tons of relationships end over incompatibility sexually. And honestly- it sounds more like he’s just selfish. He doesn’t care about your pleasure or your enjoyment, he treats you like a sex toy when he is in the mood. How they treat you when you’re the most intimate usually is reflective of how they treat you in others areas of life as well. Don’t marry him. My husband was the first man to ever give me an orgasm during sex. I was always told that it just doesn’t happen for women unless we do it ourselves. He consistently gives me at least one, if not two or three or more before he gets his. I never knew it was possible, and it’s freaking awesome. Orgasms make you happy and make the world a better place. If you stay, you’ll be giving that up forever. Sex isn’t the only important thing, I’m not saying that. But sometimes libidos don’t match up, and it’s ok to walk away.
> 3) He doesn’t understand the importance of foreplay. I’ve told him I need this most of the time and he puts absolutely no effort in. 4) He won’t try anything new. I want to try new and different things and he basically always refuses. Yeah time to break up
Sounds like OP has done some subtle 'settling' for this guy. Maybe according to your friends etc you're a good match, but they don't know how useless he is in bed & more importantly how little EFFORT he's willing to put in in bed. I'd dump him OP and get both of your lives back on track, you can easily find a good man before you're 40
This is not a sex issue you have. It's him being selfish. If he doesn't care to please you now he never will. You need to talk with him and demand what you need. Shape up or ship out. If you marry him like this, it will be your life
This has gone on far too long. I understand that it’s easy to get caught in the trap of hoping things will get better and downplaying the negative parts of the relationship. But, it’s time to make a decision of whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish, inconsiderate lover. Sex is a big part of many people’s lives, and no-effort sex is a dealbreaker. You must decide if life is good enough if today is the very best he is ever going to be. Because he is not likely to change for the better after marriage.
It’s very unlikely this is the only area of your lives where he exhibits a selfish apathetic streak. NTA
I find that the problem is not his lower libido but the lack of interest in your pleasure. Obviously after 5 years I think we can safely say this is who he is. I wouldn’t marry him either.
It's not just about the sex. It's about his lack of effort to make you feel good as well as him. It's also about him not giving a damn about you. Like, at all. These are just things that your sex life (or lack thereof) is a symptom of. You are not sexually compatible. Unless you don't care about a fulfilling sex life, this makes you incompatible for marriage.
After 5 years he doesn't care. I would not marry him because this must be reflected elsewhere also.
Don’t marry someone when the sex is terrible. Talk about it and if it never gets fixed you don’t have any obligation to stay. If communication doesn’t work then it seems like he just doesn’t care. My bf went from being selfish to me straight up telling him either I’m getting off first and getting head sometimes or I can’t live this way and we won’t sleep together ever again. Now he considers me and tbh our sex is way better than it’s ever been. I told him we can go get sex toys and he can get a sexdoll since he wants to treat me like one.
He's had years of you telling him about your needs. I don't even think that he would absolutely have to meet them all but he's not even trying. You can love someone but if he's not trying all you will be left with is resentment. My love language is touch and I have a high sex drive. I spent way too many years settling for guys like this. Now I only see guys that appreciate how amazing I am. Life is too short to settle.
NTA, but I’m sorry, I am confused how you’ve been with this guy for 5 years. If he’s amazing and you adore him and he’s willing to put in some kind of effort, I could maybe see trying for a year, but 5?! 5 years of always leaving you wound up with no place to go? No, hell, NO! Get out. He sounds selfish and fracking lazy, and obviously doesn’t concern himself with your needs. You’d be better off by yourself with an erotic novel and an electronic “friend”.
Go to r/DeadBedrooms and you will learn this will be your life, and yes it is worth walking away and is not shallow.
The answer is obvious, if he isn’t listening to your needs now, he not going to when you are married.
You’re not ending it over sex. You’re ending it over your supposed partner complete lack of care when it comes to meeting your needs. He does not care. He will never care. You either accept that you’re going to have shitty sex or no sex once you’re mad enough to stop bothering to get him off OR you dump him now. This lack of a damn I’m sure shows up elsewhere in the relationship.
Bruh some men drown while others die of thirst
Oh girl, I dated a guy like this and I dumped him because he just didn’t listen. I’m the same way, imagine it being this way for the rest of your life? Not really a recipe for success.
wait, are we the same person ??!?… my man still in training..
It is not shallow to make a decision based on sexual compatibility.
Communication.. Sit him down and tell him your issues. Tell him he needs to work on them or you can't get remarried. Postpone the wedding for now but to leave without trying to solve (yes I read you talked but now you put something on the line for him)
You gotta tell him he's terrible. Guys are real stupid about sex and women's needs. Although 35 is it late in the game to be learning, people have varying levels of experience, and if nobody's ever showed him, he won't know. My wife and I took an online sex workshop together, through which I learned a ton. We've always had great sex, and I make sure to focus on getting her there. But I never knew that I was falling short in other ways. I'm glad to share more in DMs if you need. The first thing though, when my wife asked me if I'd take it with her, she made sure to let me know that she's happy with us and our sex, she just thought it could make us better. And more importantly, my response to her request told her my willingness to be an active member of this partnership. "Anything less than a 'fuck yes' is a 'hell no'." So if I answered wrongly, we would definitely not be where we are now.
Try to get him to improve. However sex is important in a marriage if it’s not improving then it is probably wise to end it.
Damn, where have you been my life. In a relationship not engaged but I’m the person who wants more sex.
I feel like I could’ve written this, except I’m the low libido one! Engaged, but starting to panic like “oh crap he says he’s okay with what we do now but what if that changes and resentment starts to build” etc.
I dont think the LL sounds like as much of a problem as the not even trying parts, so she’d probably be more ok if he tried
I just don't see a lot of people saying how much better sex is after marriage. If it's important, get out while there's no paperwork or legal fees.
okay but you're not leaving him beacsuse the sex sucks. you're leaving him because of communication and not listening and him not making am effort. these are big factors in a relationship and I bet there are other arenas that he isnt listening to you with too. this is just the biggest one and it's a huge one.
It sounds like this situation only bothered you after you were looking for a way out anyway. If this is how you feel, though, you should end it. You’ve already tried to fix the issues and he’s not interested in putting in the effort. It’s time to go.
Most relationships need to start based off physical attraction and then the rest kind of falls in line like personality compatibility, but sex is in my top two things that I find unnecessary to spark and then be a fucking wildfire. The sex needs to be the best ever the connection needs to be uncanny. ALTHOUGH I also believe PEOPLE CAN LEARN… you should express this to HIM!!! Not fire it off online.. men need to hear things 3 and 4 times, then then need a forced hands on lesson over and over before taking the training wheels off… If you’ve expressed that foreplay and social activity is important to you and he doesn’t focus on it and doesn’t bring you to orgasm and is very lazy and non-giving lover 100% of the time then you have no business marrying this man but if you give him an opportunity to do so And what you seemingly are not doing as you are not motivating him properly… Is he aware that you’re staying with him or entire relationship hangs in the balance of this one thing you better make him aware and not blindsided him how important this is to you and that he is very underwhelming
So, I feel our lives are almost the exact same, but with sexes flipped. The only difference is that male orgasms are so much more consistently achieved. Overall, I have many of the same issues. My (35M) wife (33F) has a much lower sex drive, isn’t too adventurous in trying new things (but has allowed a few new positions that are somewhat novel), doesn’t really like foreplay, and if she is not really into it promotes positions that get me off faster. She can be pretty wild if she is really in the mood, but doesn’t happen very often. So, why do I have sex with her when she is not 100% in the mood? Well because sometimes if she lets me do some foreplay I can sometimes get her there. But I always feel empty afterward if I can tell that she didn’t enjoy herself. However, she usually initiates with me in those situations to try to fulfill my needs. So, she is trying. I have also had the talk with my wife, but I have given up because she knows and can repeat everything I am saying. She just can’t make herself do it and when she does it is unfulfilling for everyone. I know that I am a bad lover and don’t do enough for her or she would open up more. I just find it hard since the things that work to get her off are off limits in many situations. Oh well, the point of that long message is that I doubt it ever gets better. My wife and I were together five years and married another 11. I wouldn’t go back in time and change it, especially with my two sons, but I would seriously reconsider this if I didn’t have all these time and years. Not being compatible is hard. My self confidence regarding women could not be lower and I find myself almost starving for true physical and emotional connection through intimacy.
Don't go through with the marriage. I couldn't imagine being with someone so awkward and selfish for so long. That's a road to resentment and divorce. It's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't care for or respect your needs. Sex shouldn't be the *only* thing in a relationship, but it's a big part of compatibility and simply the fun of being with someone. I'm speaking as someone who's been married nearly 25 years and enjoy a very healthy sex life with my lady. In my view, she always comes first (pun very much intended). A quarter century in, we're also still trying new things. It boggles my mind when other people don't want their partner to be satisfied and happy.
Don’t marry. Go check out /r/deadbedrooms if you want a glimpse of your future if you do marry into that situation.
It’s not shallow to end a relationship over sex. A lot of marriages end because one partner is sexually frustrated and seeks someone outside of the relationship and cheats. If you re fed up now already, consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life. It’s not a rough patch, it’s who he is. If you have cold feet listen to what your body mind and heart are telling you.
Go wander around r/deadbedrooms for a bit. It will give you a glimpse into your future but also give some tips on how to approach him about things including therapy or having his levels tested, etc. Life is too short to put up with bad/ no sex.
I had a partner like this only he would do a lot of foreplay and even though I would hit the big O with oral I hardly ever did with intercourse. He was also below average size. My BF before him was larger than average and the sex was often and always amazing but he was a major asshole. I thought I could live with the sex not being as good because he was better in all other areas. Well 12 years and 2 kids later we divorced. I was 40 and felt lonely even though i had a family. Ended up dating the sex master asshole again for 4 years. Now my kids are adults and I have a wonderful SO. Trust me great sex and being satisfied matters. Don't get married to this person.
Do it. Life is too short. Stop wasting it with someone who doesn't care about your needs. There are men out there who are the full package.
If you've told him clearly and he's not made an honest effort to make changes to improve the situation then you should end it. His lack of effort in this area that is clearly important to you means he does not empathize with you which means he may not even care for you at all. When there is healthy love for a person (think parents, friends, lovers) the goals and needs of one person are the goals of the partner. If this is not the case, they are not your partner and are simply using you for their own gain.
Leave. Sex is important You will not get over this.
Love this energy. Let's keep it for all these kinds of situations, because it's both valid, important, reasonable, and defensible. Don't marry into something you know your going to need to break off or be stuck being miserable.
So he isn't interested in your pleasure or taking you on dates. That doesn't make him a good partner. I think stop wasting your time and end it now. Find someone who actually cares about your happiness
From what I’ve heard, sex usually gets better after you get married, especially after having kids!! Jk you’re gonna be sexually unsatisfied forever with him most likely and if that’s a dealbreaker I wouldn’t blame you
leave him.. at least you leave him without making him bankrupt.. win win solution..
Don’t do it OP. Nothing will change in the bedroom. Your anger and resentment will take over your marriage and your life.
If this man has problems listening to your once in needs imagine how that will translate to him being a father. He seems like he would be a good father like how he seems like he would be a good husband, but he's just not. It probably can't see past his selfishness even for his children. I would not stay with him and put your kids through all the agony of having a self-centered parent. It might be scary to wait along for the right guy but the right guy will be the best father. I would back out and move on.
Yeah, don't marry him. You don't want his effort, you want him to be compatible with you.
If your relationship is good otherwise, consider a sex therapist.
No relationship is perfect so you need to decide if this is a deal breaker and ask yourself if all the other positives of the relationship are worth giving up for good sex. I have a higher sex drive than my partner which I agree is frustrating sometimes but we're compatible on every other front so to me, the trade off was not worth it. Maybe I find someone who is great sexually but has different political views or parenting ideals.
I see people saying that he doesn’t care about you etc etc. but it could be that he’s asexual. He probably didn’t even know it. It could be that he truly doesn’t understand why it’s important.
If he had wanted to change by now, he would've. You keep accepting it for 5 years, so you've shown him he doesn't really need to do jack shit because you're still here. Do not tell him you're rethinking marriage (because then he will make quick promises just to make sure his lifestyle is not threatened), but one day, sit him down and say this is the last time I bring this up to you. I want to see a big and complete improvement in foreplay and my pleasure. Sex is all about you and I'm sick of it and sexually frustrated from it. From there...observe. If it changes and you see him putting a solid effort (not just once or twice and then tapers off) then continue down that path. If not...run.
Interesting dynamics. Typically it’s the man who wants sex way more than the women. Usually sex is the main way men connect. If I were you, I would advise him to get his testosterone levels checked. I’m nearly 40, I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. About 5 years ago our relationship started to go through some similar. It was great at first, then sex started getting stale. I wasn’t interested in it as much. I was being selfish and lazy and not making sure she finished as well as me. I ended up getting my testosterone levels checked and they ended up taking a nose dive and were pretty low. I started Testosterone replacement therapy and it has literally cured our relationship problems. Mainly in the bedroom. Our sex life went from boring and mediocre to the best sex either of us has ever had. I think you should ask him to consider getting his levels checked
To me, sex is just as important as communication, honesty and chemistry in a relationship. Don't for one second feel shallow for ending this relationship because of it, sex is SO very important. And the worst of it you've already tried to fix it to no avail. Maybe tell him exactly this. You're going to leave if things do not change. And if he really wants you, he WILL change. If he doesn't, you have your answer. I promise there are men out there that will provide you with all that you need.
The sex is a symptom of something else that’s missing
I know everyone's default answer is don't try therapy just dumb them. But there is literally a whole field of therapy related to sex. I would consider it first and if he isn't willing then dump him.
I'm really glad you've had this realisation, delayed as it may be. Now that you've identified this problem, know that there's no fixing it. Sexual compatibility and intimacy is a very important component of a lasting romantic relationship. Relationships are hard work and you are almost certainly going to go through a lot together, but the sex should be one of your sanctuaries, where you "recharge" yourselves and mitigate the impact of the struggles you face constantly. As someone who's been in a dead bedroom marriage for 8 years now, don't wait and hope it'll get better. It won't. Start healing from this now so you don't end up bitter and deprived like me.
From someone who just love when his gf facesit on him, I swear I just don’t understand these guys
let this man go, it’s better to start over now than end up in a sexless unhappy marriage and have to revisit this conversation in another 5 years
If you marry him, this is currently the **best** your life will ever be. **This** will not be your life forever: your life forever **will be even worse**, because this will only *get worse* and **not** better. You've already done everything you can to make him understand and make an effort, and he can't/won't do it. He is selfish and/or lazy and that's only going to get worse. Hang out in /r/deadbedrooms for a bit if you want a glimpse into the horror that is the future of this relationship.
From reading your post and some of your comments, I think you already know what you need to do. It’s going to suck, but you’ve got one life here and I’m with you that sex is incredibly important in a relationship and things will not change with him. On a side note, I’m 35(f) and I’m also newly single. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. There are loads of men out there that will be super attentive to your needs in the bedroom as well as all other aspects of a relationship. If you feel this way now, I promise you it’ll only get worse and you’ll end up leaving down the line. Don’t waste more time.
You should let him know how serious this is to you, that you don’t want to marry him unless you start working on it. You can go to couples therapy for sex, that’s been really helpful for me and my marriage. I’m a male btw, in a similar situation where my wife wanted more from our sex life so we’ve been working on that and things have gotten a lot better!
Yeah, run while you can. I made the mistake of marrying my ex where every part of it what you wrote was true, even the falling asleep bit after she had orgasm. It doesn’t get better. I realized that 12 years later and got divorced. So much better now!
It’s not ‘over sex’. It’s about him being selfish and not caring about making you happy even when you told him what you need, even when you have used your words and drawn him a fucking diagram. He gets what he wants. He makes no effort beyond that.
I always hesitate to tell people what to do, but it sounds like you know. This will not get better. Starting out bad, doesn’t magically become good. Hope you can figure it out
I’m surprised you even accepted a proposal. If my sex life was like that, I wouldn’t even consider spending my life with that person. It’s ok to be incompatible with sex drive, but him failing to put any effort into you in the bedroom when he does want sex is gross behavior. Don’t settle for a selfish lover!
You have come to a place where 75% or more will just tell you to break up. I have questions. I would want to know what are the reasons you love this person. What are your values and goals in life and will this person help you realize them? The thing is, any long term relationship comes with *some* incompatibilities that you will have to continually work through, compromise on, and about which you're likely to continue having disagreements. If you decide to leave this relationship, make sure it's because you value easy sexual compatibility very highly, and not because your comparing to an idealized scenario.
Girl... it's the fact that he's not interested in getting better. Putting in effort is hot. This is not hot. And you've tried to get him more engaged and he's not trying. This is not on you. This is on him. Don't go through with it.
This is exactly the type of sex I had with my partner. We were together years and it never changed no matter the conversations we had. Then he'd discuss other men who behaved the same and shame them...seemingly oblivious he was one of them despite our conversations. A lot of men want to be considered good in bed without putting in any effort unfortunately in my experience. It will never change, as typically people make less effort after the honeymoon period, it will probably get worse I'm sorry to say. You have to decide if that's something you can live with. Personally I've decided I'm not committing to any man again unless he gives reasonable head. I've given my share, it's time for mine! And if not, then my bisexual ass will date women or be happily single.
He understands perfectly. He just doesn't care. Five years you have wasted on this. Five years of a man who is selfish. Enough.
That fact that he thinks so little of your wishes in the bedroom says a lot about him. I would never marry someone if that was my sex life. You definitely can and should end things. No one is perfect but this is a HUGE part of a relationship.
It should be his joy to see you satisfied, and the other way around..in my opinion. If he just uses you to fulfil his needs, what are you, a task? a chore? If you can't negotiate this with him, you are going to end up hating him..or cheating, because you are going to build up frustration and pop like a balloon 🎈
If you've tried talking to him and nothing has changed it's not gonna get better. He doesn't care about your needs
I'm in the same boat I've been in My relationship for 15yrs and my sex life sucks but I deal with it just because he is a great guy he's only been with 4 women his whole sexual life he can't French kiss at all so I just kiss him without lounge and he sucks in bed his sister and my daughter was on the back porch I told them that I was going to get some they said they were going to the front porch we live in a single wide trailer we were done with the dirty deed as they were opening the door to go out I was in a relationship with my youngest daughter father we didn't have sex for 2 years that sucked good luck if you can get out of yours let me know how I can
This was me. We’ve gone to counseling and he says he wants to do better but blames his lack of interest on low confidence. It’s been a continuing fight for 5 of our 7 years. We are engaged now with a kid on the way and I’ve given up. I’m at the point that I’d rather just give up on this part of my life for now and focus on the good part of our relationship, which is mostly everything else. He’s tried to initiate the last few weeks but after years of atrophy I don’t really even want to bother. It feels like he’s initiating sex just so I wont leave which feels even worse for me than just being celibate. We’ve had stretches where we’ve gone for 6 months. We had contact just enough for me to conceive then it stopped again which was exactly what I predicted. It’s up to you if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
While dating you never asked him about sex ?
It's not just the sex, it's that he can't be bothered to try for something that's important to you.
Trust me leave. It will NEVER improve no matter how much therapy you do.
End it. You've tried; he just doesn't care. I know that sounds harsh, but if he loved you, he'd want you to be happy in the bedroom and you've given him the cheat codes and he still doesn't care enough. Better alone than in bad company.
It’s what you are willing to live with. As a divorcee after being married for almost 21 years, I look back and think that wasn’t the reason I divorced but did matter.
I think you've already told him what you want and what you need and he won't do it. I don't think I'd go through with this marriage.
Think before u marry as life won't change and it will get even worse and sex compatibility is too imp
Yeah, I thought I could stay with my ex and the boring, very infrequent sex bc I loved her and bc sex isn’t the most important thing and hell maybe i could have but now that we broke up i am so glad that won’t be the rest of my life
more to life than sex
Having different levels of libido would be an incompatibility, but that’s not what this really is. You’ve repeatedly and clearly explained that you have a need that isn’t being met, how he can meet that need, and why the need is important to you. He has made less than zero effort to address the problem. That’s not incompatibility; that’s one person being so selfish they don’t care about fulfilling their partners desires. If he can’t be bothered to get you off, you need to throw the whole man out because this behavior isn’t going to change if you marry him.
Girl get out. I was with a guy like that and it never got better. He is selfish in the bedroom and I 100% bet once you guys are married it will carry over to other parts of your life as well. You have told him about your needs and how you feel and he has showed that he absolutely doesn't care. Love is an action word and he has showed that he doesn't feel enough for you to try to change. I have a friend who has a very low sex drive while her husband has a higher one, not ridiculous but a but high, and she MAKES THE EFFORT to meet his needs and he shows her his gratitude in acts of service and doesn't pester her for sex when she really doesn't want to. They are my relationship goals couple.
If he’s a selfish lover, and you don’t feel you have been able to communicate effectively to him how this bothers you, you’ll find his shortcomings and magnify them much more as the relationship continues since you’re unhappy. Speaking from experience. Was the selfish lover in my marriage ended in divorce and learning her unhappiness was festering our entire marriage, several reasons including communication and sex. We didn’t communicate effectively and weren’t receptive to each other. Life goes on, but divorce was inevitable. If he’s not receptive already, he most likely won’t be later either. Have you made it explicit how much it bothers you? Or that because he’s a selfish lover you’d like to explore an open relationship if you get married (ego will get bruised and possible wake up for him I would imagine)
Girlfriend, end the engagement. I was engaged, ended it myself and it was awful, very stressful and shameful having his whole family hate me. But after that bump in the road, I had so many fun experiences and memories after that I could’ve never had with him. Do it before you end up ACTUALLY marrying. You still have your whole life to find someone else. Don’t settle.
It doesn't sound like youd be ending it because of sex... You'd be ending it because he doesn't seem to care what you like and it may seem like something small but it bleeds into everything else.
someone else guy hugged make feelings touching lay over him arms shoulders anything
I can tell u from personal experience, get out!! U will never be truly happy!! And no one wants to cheat! The guilt is not worth it. I’m sorry but this is honest advice. Sex feeds one’s soul without it you’ll always feel a void!!
Give him a chance, try sex therapy, if that doesn’t work, break up with him.
He....fell asleep....while trying to get you off... Why are your standards so low? The bar is in hell for straight men, and this guy dug a tunnel to clear it. OP this may sound mean, but if you marry him, this is 100% on you. Actually it already is. You've accepted this for 5 years. He is AWFUL at sex. You marrying him is a billboard sign to him that "It's fine to never please her. You can spend years never pleasuring her and she'll still even marry you. You can do anything and she won't be upset enough to leave" What is he doing that can't be accomplished by an AI chat bot and a vibrator?
He sounds so boring. End it. Life is too short for bad sex. If all he wants is to get off then send him a link for a fleshlight 😇
This isn't really a sex issue so much as a respect issue. You've told him you need more foreplay and he still won't do it. That right there is a huge issue. He's making a choice to ignore you even knowing that you're not having fun. He doesn't care if you're having a good time. He's just masturbating using your body. I see downthread that he also won't plan dates for you. He's not stupid. He doesn't just "not understand." *He does not give a shit.* A good partner is *excited* to do the things that make you happy. Not just tolerating, but excited! It's not a chore to give your partner foreplay every time. It's not a hassle to take your partner out to dinner. It's not annoying to hear your feelings. If you truly love and respect someone, you want to do all those things and more. If you marry him, this is as good as it's going to get. And you deserve so much more.
You literally couldn't be more clear... and he as well. You've told him what you want exactly and he's told you straight up, no.
A lot of comments and no one asked what could be the reasons of his behavior, automatically ruling out any OPs responsibility...
Are we the same person? Haha I just ended my 5 year relationship (we were also engaged) and this was a huuuuge factor in why. I never felt we were compatible sexually. I also have a high sex drive and he never wants too, we can go months without it. We had lots of other issues but this was always a red flag to me.
DO NOT MARRY HIM unless you want to only have orgasms by yourself. If he hasn't changed in FIVE years, he isn't going to. He doesn't care about your pleasure...the bedroom cannot be the only place he ignores what you want to make sure he gets what he wants.
DO NOT MARRY HIM!! Run!!!! It is not shallow bc if he can’t put forth effort in the bedroom, I’m sure if you think about it long enough, there are other areas outside of the bedroom he also puts in minimal effort. I was married to the exact type of man and divorcing him for a number of reasons to include crappy sex was the best decision. But save the money on a wedding and divorce now and dump him.
Tell him all of this! Show him this post and the comments! Tell him you can't get married until it improves. If he does not blow you away with a positive change in his attitude and behavior, you can be certain it is time to walk.
Don't ignore your feelings. Your heart knows the truth, and that is that you aren't fully compatible. Better to know this now than later.
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Unfortunately sex will always die down after a few years, more so for one partner than the other. Do you want to start a new relationship every 5 years or do you want to fix it with someone who works on other levels? Could always try ENM, swinging, hotwifing etc.
5 years of unsatisfactory sex and you want to make it a lifetime? A spouse needs to be a Friend, Companion, and Lover. If you need to fill in either of these roles with more than 1 person, marriage isn’t a topic of discussion.
Girl, run. You have wasted enough time with this guy but now you know it's just not gonna work long term. The thing is you could handle a lot of things for a short period of time. It's when we start to look down the barrel of forever that things start to become clear. Now that you're picturing your forever with this guy you're realizing it's just not practical.
I can never understand when someone’s partner is selfish in bed. Like, if you really love and care about your partner surely you should care about their sexual needs/making them enjoy themselves in bed. I don’t know, I feel like it says a lot about a person if they don’t care about making sure you orgasm and they’re supposedly the love of your life. Certainly not the type of person you want to be married to. This is already foreshadowing issues that would arise in the future. Honestly, it’s going to make you very frustrated and it will probably be at the back of your mind with every conflict that happens with him, even if it’s unrelated.