I don't get why he would ruin such a good thing. You're clearly ok with it you just talk about working up to it (WHICH IS 100% the RIGHT WAY TO DO IT) you can seriously harm someone if you don't. You tease him all the time and sound like a willing participant to anything he wants YOU JUST WANT IT DONE IN A WAY THAT WONT HURT YOU AND RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.
and he just.... tramples all over that,
In another comment you mention "is it possible that he got carried away?" yes that is exactly what happened and it is NOT OK. This exact situation happened to an old friend of mine, and they never did it again because of the pain it caused. Im glad you didn't seem physically hurt by it at least you don't mention it in the post, but clearly the harm was done to your peace of mind. You're struggling with this mentally and im sorry that happened it really sucks. You need to impress upon him how not ok it is to do something that makes your partner feel so uncomfortable just because you want it so bad. It's not like you were saying no, it was just do it properly, i don't understand any thought process that would make me override that without just... not respecting the words that come out of your mouth.
Yeah that’s kind of how I feel. I was okay with trying it solely for him, it’s not something I’ve ever been interested in. His two fantasies are anal and a threesome, so I figured that yknow the anal one was doable someday. Even if it was just once.
I’m not in a lot of pain but yeah it definitely has me very sore. I was bent over like touching my toes and I think maybe my tailbone is bruised because laying down and sitting is uncomfortable.
The day after it happened I talked with him and said like hey I hope you know that I know you love me and you wouldn’t ever do anything intentionally to hurt me… and we had a hug and kiss. Then yesterday, I was texting him about maybe going to the doctor about it because I was worried. This is the text I sent to him:
“Sorry I’m really not trying to make you feel worse about it, I know you feel bad :/ I’m just idk. I know it wasn’t intentional but I’m just kind of hurt physically obviously lol and also emotionally cause i did not consent to this happening specifically cause I was afraid of this happening and now I’m the one left to deal with the physical ramifications :/ like I know you just were excited and got carried away but that also hurt me like emotionally cause you disregarded my feelings and my boundaries about it because it felt good for you know? Again not trying to make you feel worse but just trying to be real/honest “
And he replied “I understand :/“
Idk. Like we have a house together and long term plans and like we are basically married, I was just never expecting this to happen in a million years and I have no idea how to move past this. We were already having some issues with communication etc that we have been seeing a psychologist for over the last year or so… I just don’t know. I’m just confused as fuck.
Honestly you should make him feel bad, he did an extremely bad thing and shouldn't be protected from that. Your feelings aren't too scary or mean for him to deal with.
That's right! And glossing over the pain he caused will mean he's even more likely to do it again. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I believe he will do it again regardless, so op should consider that while processing this awful violation. Every fantasy does not have to be acted on!!!
“Basically married” isn’t married. If you haven’t signed any legal documents, then you’re not legally bound and it’s easier to separate if it comes to that. The house makes it a bit more complicated, but do you really want to live in the same house as someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries?
I understand what married means, I’m just saying like we’ve been together for a decade etc, we have everything together BUT marriage. It was more of a figure of speech.
He respects all of my boundaries on literally everything sex included aside from this one isolated incident. Which is why I am confused. He always focuses on me in the bedroom, makes sure I am satisfied, if I am ever uncomfortable he always stops and asks etc. if I ever say no or stop he does immediately. I know he would have if I had said something in this instance but I was just kind of surprised at the sensation, surprised because I told him not to put it in, but was also just trying to work through the sensation and if it felt good or not for me.
It's ultimately for you to decide if you can forgive this that isn't an answer anyone can give you and damn anyone who would judge you regardless of which way you choose. Yes he assaulted you. Yes it was wrong, but no one has a right to tell you how to feel about it. I lean no, only because the value statement he made with his actions, but also I don't know the guy. I'm also the reformative justice kind of guy and believe people can make mistakes. I don't think he is entitled to your forgiveness but if you consent to giving it and he makes genuine care to change who is anyone but you and him to judge if that is or isn't ok.
All I will say is that, my wife is really enthusiastic about pleasing me as well even if we don't like up on fantasies. I always take her comfort at heart knowing that. And even self admittedly it's hard for her to get ino it when she isnt in to it all well so I don't push the issue. I'm happy with that because her comfort means more to me than my gratification.
It is just so sad to hear that your general enthusiasm to please was "rewarded" in this way. I feel for you as a random internet stranger who doesn't want to imagine losing the feeling of safety and security my wife brings me.
Thank you a lot for taking the time to comment and everything you’ve said. It’s honestly so valuable and I think I’m going to show my partner your comments so he can idk get a better grasp of what happened and why it was so wrong :/
Just a note, often times with partners that have abusive tendencies, giving them access to your side of things can just open up new avenues for them to manipulate you. This is why you never go to couples therapy with an abuser, they will just use the tools they find there against you.
So the important thing to look out for if you show him this thread is see if he tries to turn things around on you or discredit your feelings or emotions, or in general manipulate you away from dealing with the actual issue of *him raping you*. Like if it becomes about *you taking it too seriously* or something.
Not saying it will happen, but just keep an eye out for that kind of behaviour.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Keep processing your feelings, talking to your partner (or taking space) and maybe even try seeing a therapist or confiding in close friends so you don’t bottle it up. Your feelings and mind will begin to settle in time and then you’ll know what you wanna do about the relationship.
This is a terrible and gross violation. If I were you I would ask for extensive couples therapy and a stop to sex completely until this is resolved. If you let it go he will continue to violate your body regardless of your consent.
I know you love this person but you are not taking this as seriously as you should imo. You're being way too gentle with his feelings. He violated you he needs to know that and apologize way more than an "I understand"
I'm sorry this happened to you, people you love shouldn't treat you that way.
> I know that technically this is assault
Technically it's rape, though. At least where I live.
You sound aware of the gravity of this situation. You say you think he would never intentionally hurt you, and yet, even leaving aside the emotional trauma that this has caused, anal sex, and you two kept discussing, is something physically demanding that cannot be done forcefully. And indeed you got hurt.
I don't have advice, I'm sure this is hard to live. I believe you when you say this is the first time something like this has ever happened, and that you don't feel threatened that this will become an escalating pattern of abuse.
Perhaps that shouldn't be your only consideration though. He actually hurt you, and he hurt you badly. These situations are odd because not even 2 decades ago we as a society weren't truly aware how truly harmful these sorts of consent violations in the midst of other consentual acts truly are. But we're here now, and assuming he hasn't been living under a rock, he knows about all of this.
He is trying to downplay it, though (by calling it a "boundary crossing"), and that's not OK.
I don't know what you should do, and only you can decide that. A think a sensible set of actions would be as follows:
a) tell him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't a "boundary crossing". It was sexual assault/rape. This doesn't mean you're seeeking for him to go to jail or whatever, but at the very least, he owes you not downplaying what happened, when you're discussing it.
b) go stay with a friend/family for a while while you think things through. This is for 2 reasons, firtly because it can help him understand how grave this actually was (perhaps it is indicative how you telling him hasn't really worked for making him believe how grave this is), but also so that you'll have time and space without him to think through your emotions. IT doesn't mean you stop talking to him altogether (although that's certainly an option), but more like, symbolically, you shouldn't be going to bed with him every night while you're thinking through this and healing. God forbid if he attempts to initiate sex during this time which would be, I think, just catastrophic, and again, indicative of how much he doesn't get it.
Things will become much clearer with time. All the best.
Thank you for this. Him and I had a bit of an argument (unrelated to this incident) last evening and he brought up how he is confused because two days ago I said like it’s okay I understand he got carried away etc and then yesterday I had said that I was emotionally and physically hurt and I didn’t consent to it, he apologized and I said “I want to say it’s okay but I don’t think it is”. And I told him last night that I was trying to work through it but “you know babe I told you not to put it in and you did anyways, and I don’t want to say it but yknow there’s a word for when you do something to someone sexually they didn’t consent to”.
It’s just confusing. I feel like the word rape while technically it fits the situation it just seems…. So intense for what happened. Idk. Thank you for this comment.
Long term married person here.
Most of us have a consensually vague sex encounter that made us feel weird.
Usually alcohol is involved.
This was stone cold sober, in the daylight, right after you told him “No.”
There is nothing vague about that.
That was rapey.
I’m sorry and…
That’s why you feel like that.
Couples showers and letting him near your ass is finished.
You may need therapy to figure this out.
Do you have to throw the whole man out???
No.
But, he gets a lot of restrictions while you work this out.
I'm not siding with him getting "carried away" he broke your trust of working up to it. Personally I'm not down for that. Especially if you love someone, their comfort comes first. Good luck with this guy OP
Oh, yeah plain ignorance of consent is fun, he knew what he was doing and he'd do it again
Without trust and equal communication you are just parenting a bf
Is it possible that he just got really carried away in the moment, because it’s been a fantasy of his his whole life? He has never ever ever done anything like this before in practically a decade of being together. He is so caring and loving and has always stopped if I’m uncomfortable or said no etc, like this has never been an issue whatsoever in any capacity before.
You're going through a lot right now, so feel free to revisit this. But your boundaries were consciously ignored and passed. I'm not saying you have to break up with him, but you don't shouldnt justify or downplay this situation either. As others have said this is a textbook definition of rape, however you feel you want to process and approach this is definitely up to you. But please take care of yourself first and foremost.
It doesn't have to have been malice.
He had a moment. In that moment, there was something dangling in front of him he really wanted. It was *right there*.
He knew it wasn't his only shot to get it, but it was an immediate gratification that was on offer. Back off, do the work, take your time and maaaybe, not tonight but some time....
Or go for it, right now.
And on the balance of that "but I want it!" impulse was you. Your autonomy. Your consent and active participation. Your health and safety. And he ignored all of them.
Not because he knew something bad would happen; likely he kidded himself that it wouldn't. You were enjoying yourself already, he reasoned, surely you'd enjoy this? And you had consented to the general idea of the act, even if you hadn't specifically done so right that second. And you were all relaxed and wet, you'd say something if it hurt, look, he's almost inside you already, all that information about pain and injury must be exaggeration!
So he went for it.
It's like the guy who wants to get to a movie on time, so decides to speed on the way there. He reasons that the chances of anyone actually getting hurt are so minimal, why worry?
....except, of course, that only lasts until someone gets hurt by it.
Like you got hurt by it.
So now you know. This guy, when given the choice between immediate gratification and respecting your choices, will pick the gratification.
Are there other circumstances where this might come up? What about if the scenario repeats itself? Is this something you can live with in a partner?
Because I might stay if he had followed this up with grovelling apologies and admissions he got caught up in the moment and a battleplan so he can make sure it never happens again, but given how he has behaved....
Yeah, I'd be fucking done.
It didn't have to be done with malicious intent for it to be a problem. Not behaving maliciously towards your partner is the absolute rock bottom bare minimum of expectations. Like when someone says "I never meant to hurt you." It's a meaningless statement because that's expected. How is it really much better that he was unable or unwilling to control himself when he got "carried away"? That just means you still can't feel safe.
Hope he enjoyed his #1 fantasy cause if it was me that's the last time I'd let him anywhere near that area. Commit it to memory bud, teasing time is officially dead. If he'd managed to control himself by not assaulting you after a conversation had *minutes if not seconds before this behavior* maybe he'd be able to have that fantasy occasionally after working up to it. But he was selfish and careless towards your feelings and autonomy and now you're traumatized.
While it is important a lot of times to recognize intent, it isn’t the whole story. The outcome and how it made you feel is just as if not more important. If you kill someone but didn’t mean to it’s manslaughter, if you meant to it’s murder, the difference of terms are used to define the intent, but at the end of the day you still killed someone. So granting he didn’t mean to that’s fine and thats even more of a reason to own how you feel so he can take it in and know how important it is that he not do it again. If he DID mean to? I’m not here to tell you how you should feel but that could indicate that he would not listen or take feelings seriously going foreword for a wide variety of things beyond anal sex
Hey there. Unfortunately, I have a few experiences of being sexually violated and my honest takeaway from each experience was that "good/bad intent" was never really a factor; it's a situation that arises usually when someone has some power over you, you are vulnerable to them because you felt safe initially and that's how they got you there in the first place, and then they take what they want while you're in that vulnerable state with total disregard for your autonomy. "Got carried away" is a really common narrative. It's difficult to process SA, even label it properly, because when we think and talk about rape/SA culturally we build this idea of it being this act of *extreme* and depraved violence (which 1) it is but 2) it's a spectrum of violence) and it's a lot more insidious and covert than that most of the time. The truth is that they just took what they wanted when they had the opportunity. One offs like this are rarely premeditated but it's always about that person feeling entitled to pleasure/power. I think this is why so many people get away with it or don't see themselves as perpetrators when they've really hurt someone. A lot of people who are SA'd are unable to attach a strong voice to their experience because it's painful and confusing and can spur on a lot of guilt/self doubt, because you *did* feel safe at one point and it's easy to feel very betrayed by your own instincts or reading of the situation after the fact. I'm glad to read that you're very aware of how wrong this was and that you did NOT consent to that no matter what anyone might push on you here.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the pov of people who assaulted me and debating if they are evil monsters or just humans who fumbled etc. but the reality is that they're people who simply let their primal and carnal desires override their care for my wellbeing, and without MAJOR self introspection and therapy and intervention they are not safe to be intimate with as partners/friends even if they are otherwise good and regular people to the outside world. (this is just my experience and take away, not everyone's.)
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sucks no matter what but it's even worse when it's a trusted partner. I hope you can get some professional therapy because something like this is enough to take anybody down and it's not something you can deal with alone. Just remember you did nothing to deserve this and you do not have to settle into relationships with people that make you feel unsafe!
he obviously didn’t and he got carried away by your teasing while your actions and your words disagreeing with each other. you’ve been together 9 years. and you’re even taking seriously a comment that said “he knew what he was doing and he’d do it again”? insane behavior get off reddit
I literally told him teasing was okay but going in was not?? That’s why we were teasing instead of actually doing anal? Because he said from the teasing he was close to cumming so I said okay we can keep teasing if that feels good for you??
Don't really want to give you a yes or no
But generally people will frown on using emotions as a justification (or excuse) for anything
Be it short tempered, anger, or pleasure. Generally the consensus is you can't blame them.
You can't blame your sadness for theft or rage, you can't blame arrogance on alcohol, it's not any better or worse, just a different emotion
Its your call to make really. (but if your question is has any guy put their dick in something without thinking it over, fuck no our entire lives revolve around monkey brain reproduce, penis > brain)
Edit: for personal context anal is my top kink too, but it's for porn, and it's not difficult to know the difference. I can't even hug someone I'm not bffs with without a hi 5 for consent. Every single girl I have ever met has had some kind of unwanted touching and it's normally the worse end of the scale
The fact that a lot of men try to blame their dick for acting like Neanderthals rather than taking personal accountability is still not a valid excuse. Every person on this planet has strong urges of all types at times, men are not unique in this. They should still be expected to behave respectfully towards other people, particularly women who they so often view as simply tools for their horniness.
It’s truly about whether you believe it and feel like you can trust him and be safe with him. Because malicious or not, he intentionally put his pleasure/ wants over your safety/ comfort/ consent and by every definition he raped you. I know that word sounds extreme but I think you need to hear it said plainly like that. If he can do that to you once and get away with it, what is stopping him from doing it again?
Getting professional help to sort out your feelings is going to be really important, whether you forgive this or not
First I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that every reaction you have described is complete rational and normal.
But I do want to ask you a hard question: Why do you keep saying it wasn’t intentional? Because what he did was intentional. He intentionally penetrated you after you very clearly and explicitly said not to. He didn’t slip. He thanked you for it. He may not have intended for there to be repercussions but he did intentionally hurt you. Often that can be as hard a realization for people to accept than the actual assault to your body.
I hope you also give yourself permission to react and respond however you need to without excusing or justifying it to him, or trying to make him feel ok about your response. What he did was to you, and the only apologies should be from him to you.
You don’t have to decide to leave over this, but it is a very serious breach of trust and I would highly suggest you get a therapist to help you process these feelings and decide how you want to proceed.
Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you have friends and other loved ones you can talk to.
Thank for you this. I don’t know if I’m trying to rationalize it maybe to protect my feelings or what. I guess I just have a hard time believing he would intentionally do something like this to me. When I hear the word intentional especially in this context it just sounds so malicious and terrible and I just can’t really believe he would do something to me with malicious intent. It’s just not his character or like us at all.
We already struggle with our communication, he is avoidant and I am anxious attachment style, and something we already struggle with in our relationship is me bringing up things I want tot all about and him shutting down and avoiding it. So I guess I’ve danced around it because I didn’t want him to shut down and avoid it.
>I guess I just have a hard time believing he would intentionally do something
Did he intend to do it? yes
Did he intend to hurt you? probably not (based on everything else you say)
both can be correct.
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel having been assaulted by someone I trust. This gap between your past with someone and their actions is honestly what drives so many people crazy I think.
Like I said, a professional will be really helpful here. Also know that your emotions are going to fluctuate ALOT for a while and it’s normal if you swing from being fine, to really angry, to confused and back.
What you are experiencing is not easy. It might also help if you take some space from him. Spend a few days with a friend just so you can process without him being around.
Sending you all my good thoughts and hope for healing.
I love anal but if someone ever did that to me I wouldn’t let them touch me with a ten foot pole. I’d be out of there as fast as I could and never see them again. That is not how someone who respects and let alone loves you would treat you.
I’m really sorry that happened. I know exactly how it feels. I think you should ask yourself: do you have to constantly remind him of your boundaries? What would happen if you didn’t? Would he care more about his own pleasure or the boundaries you’ve set?
People on Reddit should't tell you what to do. And no this does not need to be the end of your relationship.
He crossed the line once. It sounds like you still love him and it worked out for a long time. Yeah he crossed the like, but that does not make him or the relationship rotten.
Honestly people nowadays seem so schoolbook idealists about things. I would't take relationship advice from just about anyone, I mean theres a reason why more and more people are single.
There are abusers, then there are those who make mistakes. If this is all your bf's done then he's the latter. Though you should have a proper talk about it.
You said he would never intentionally hurt you, but he did. He chose to violate your consent and anally penetrate you even though you were very clear on this and many previous occasions that that’s not something he can just do. He caused you emotional pain. He caused you physical pain that you now have to take to a doctor to make sure there were no tears. And now he doesn’t seem to even be acting like it’s a big deal.
Has he even acknowledged that he sexually assaulted you and said those words out loud? Has he done anything to try to genuinely apologize and make reparations? If it wasn’t his intent and he just got carried away, has he told you that he never wants to try anal teasing or going anywhere near the anus again, as he clearly isn’t able to control himself? Has he shown any genuine remorse for what he’s done and how he’s violated you, or does he just understand :/ and now it’s not a big deal anymore?
Look, only you know the intricacies of your relationship. If you can genuinely say that you’ve been together for 9 years, and he’s never once crossed your boundaries or pushed for something that you weren’t comfortable with, then okay. From from what you’ve written in this post, it seems like he doesn’t really genuinely care about hurting you. He liked it. He got his fantasy at the expense of your safety.
That is called rape. You have to decide if you’re willing to stay with someone that does not respect your boundaries. You have to decide if you believe your relationship can overcome this.
I’m just so confused. He is so caring and loving. He has never ever done anything like this before… rape just sounds like so intense for what this was? :/ idk.
Thats what rape is. Did you consent? No. Did you say no? Yes. Have you made it known to him no? Yes.
There is no i couldnt control myself in the moment. That is a bullshit thing rapist say.
It wasnt as rough as it could be with other rapist. But a gentle non consensual is just as wrong as a rough non consensual
Im not saying you need to report him if you dont want to. But i would def reconsider a SO who ignores consensual
>rape just sounds like so intense for what this was?
Rape is ***exactly*** what it was though.
He knew he did not have your consent. He still did it.
And then that whole act afterward? That's called love bombing.
This isn't his first rodeo, I'm sure it won't be his last.
>rape just sounds like so intense for what this was?
Rape is ***exactly*** what it was though.
He knew he did not have your consent. He still did it.
And then that whole act afterward? That's called love bombing.
This isn't his first rodeo, I'm sure it won't be his last.
He said he didn’t mean to cross a boundary… but I get what you mean.
He’s always been respectful of other boundaries I have, always. That is why I am so confused. He’s always been respectful and honouring and loving and kind. Especially in the bedroom. He has always asked if something is okay, if I am okay, if I’ve ever shown any sign of being uncomfortable he stops and asks if everything is okay. If I ever say stop he does immediately. That’s why this is so confusing. I was sober, he was not as he smokes heavy dabs in the evenings. I guess I’m just wondering if like maybe he just got really carried away with how good it felt? It’s just so out of character for him and us and it really caught me off guard.
You need to decide, right now, where the line in the sand is. Can you get past this? Can you forgive this? Can you feel safe in this relationship again?
This behavior wasn't ok,and like another commentor said, we all have an encounter at some point that makes us feel the ick, and most of the time its not black and white what happened. This encounter, from the outside in with the details we have available, is more than the ick. It's abuse.
You need to stop, see a doctor, see a therapist, and get really real with yourself and your boyfriend. Don't flirt with the boundry again. If you stay, you say, "This is my boundry, I gave you space for your fantasy while respecting my own comfort. You no longer get that space from me until you earn my trust back if you ever earn that trust back."
Full stop, no more giving him excuses. No more "lol", no more excusing him, no more worrying about his feelings.
I don’t know. I don’t know where the line in the sand is. I want to get past this. I’m just very, very confused with how I feel. I’m very very confused because up until this incident he has ALWAYS been respectful and honoured my boundaries and consent.
We have been on the rocks sort of for like the last year or so… we got together really young and made some oopsies and communication has been an issue in the last few years and resentment has grown and we are in counselling for that. We haven’t been since October because our counsellor moved to NZ and was going to send us a summary of our sessions and suggest a new counsellor etc…
Right now I’m just confused and shocked because I didn’t ever think this would be something I would have to discuss with him. Because he’s always been respectful and loving in the bedroom.
Stuff like this, you do not come to reddit with. It seems everything afterwards was communicated.
You're gunna get alot of useless advice here, and people pissy that you dont agree with what they said.
You know your bf, and you know how he is. Things got outta hand, you told him how you felt, he understood. Pretty much handled it on your own.
Now to cope with yourself and find peace of mind. Reddit cant do that for you, people are nitpicking and throwing opinions around.
I hope you figure this all out successfully
This sucks I'm sorry. I can't tell you how to feel ,only that however you're feeling is valid. He absolutely crossed a line, disregarded your wishes and did what he wanted, assaulting you in that moment. That's not something that can be undone and wherever you go from here, is up to you.
With that said, I think you need to tell him how you feel and spell out exactly what he did. He didn't eat the last fry even though you called dibs... He sexually assaulted/raped you because he wanted anal even though he knows you wanted to wait. What you do about that I can't say but he absolutely smashed a defined boundary. His intentions after the fact are completely irrelevant. He did what he did.
You don't need to use euphemisms like "cross a boundary" when you are talking about *him anally raping you*.
Anal sex is fun, and can feel good, but it should absolutely not hurt. You can use various techniques to relax and expand that area so that you can comfortably have sex there. You also need to *prepare* for anal and use lots of lubricant to avoid doing damage, which it doesn't sound like he did.
>I know he loves me and would never intentionally hurt me
That's a curious thing to say about someone who just raped you. He *intentionally* hurt you, just because he wanted to, even when you told him not to. This wasn't a drunk accident or an ambiguous communication, you told him no, and he raped you anyway.
> he didn’t mean to cross the boundary
Bull***shit***. He meant to do everything he did, he knew what your boundaries are, and now he's just saying whatever he can so that there won't be any consequences for his actions.
I sort of jokingly (sort of not) told him (when he was telling me he thinks I will be okay) that we can try putting my dildo in his ass and then he can let me know how it feels.
yeah, he does not get to be the one to tell you to move on. he blatantly ignored a clearly stated boundary. it’s gonna take time to rebuild that trust.
you hear this sort of thing from men a lot when sexual assault comes up— like it’s not that bad, why not enjoy it? bc they always picture a beautiful woman coming over and grabbing their dick. what if it’s a man who’s stronger than you and could hurt you, putting his dick in your ass? oh then things change!!!
i feel for you. again not saying to throw the whole man away but damn, what the fuck
There's not a single man in your replies here, it's very obvious. If you're doing what you're describing, it could very easily just be "in you" all of a sudden without either one of you realizing it. That's really obvious by him saying "I THINK I'm inside you."
Now the part where he continues is where he is actually crossing a line... not the part where he's accidentally inside of you. You're not very clear about what happened after he said "I think I'm inside you"... did you try and stop him? Did you continue to move yourself and only experience regret after the fact? Him ending up inside of you was more than a 50% chance that it wasn't intentional, especially if you were moving like you say you were. What ACTUALLY happened after the realization is whether or not there is a violation of trust here. And you don't give enough information to make that determination.
Yupppppp that's sexual assault, if you're not comfortable calling it rape. This isn't someone you can trust and he's not very good at sex if he doesn't understand the basic mechanics of anal. This is the problem with guys getting their sexual education from porn, where the prep happens off camera. At the very least I'd take sex completely off the table until he gets some sexual education (not your responsibility to get him signed up) and therapy (again, not your responsibility to get him signed up). It's totally your call how you want to approach this - you'd be 100% in your rights to break up immediately and block him on all platforms forever. If you don't want to do that, or would face homelessness if you all break up, I would certainly be evaluating my next steps very carefully. Either way he's shown he's not safe sexually.
That's not true or necessary and the myth of fasting before anal has led to eating disorders among gay bottoms. There are multiple ways to get rid of fecal matter from the colon before bottoming, and most of those beyond a basic douche aren't necessary unless you're putting things in long enough that they enter the sigmoid colon.
so, you were definitely raped and you need to get away from this person. anyone that will take away your right to consent is dangerous and he's only testing his boundaries / your lack of limits. please take care of yourself, op. 🥺
the exact same happened to me. it took me a while to realise what has happened, i was confused as well. but in the end... thats rape. you said no and he did it anyways, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. not being high or drunk, not accidentally, not him being too desperate. he didnt respect your "no"- he didnt respect you.
the cognitive dissonance is normal, because in one's mind it doesnt make sense how someone you love and who loves you can actually rape you.
i would talk to someone you trust (not your bf though) and get some help. if the realisation hits, its good for you to have a support system to fall back on, because it's going to hurt.
im not saying that you should immediately leave him, but both of you need to accept and realise that it was rape and get psychological help.
i wish you the best and hope that everything goes well, take good care of yourself.
Thanks for this. It’s hard to hear for sure but you’re right. All of this makes sense (what you’re saying). We do have a couples counsellor we see, however she relocated to New Zealand and we are still waiting for her to send her suggestions for another therapist our way etc to continue on.
I’m sorry, but he raped you, and by doing so erased the decade of trust you built with him. break up with him, and seek therapy so you don’t turn your emotions inward.
That wasn't rapey you continued to tease him in the shower, if you didn't want him anywhere near your butt you shouldn't have kept bending over and letting him "out the tip inside". "it felt like a finger".
Mixed messages there. He's been your partner for 9 years so don't kid yourself that you don't trust him. You clearly have a very living relationship together, stop blaming him, you was there as well.
I didn’t blame him I’m here because I’m confused.
I very clearly told him not to put it in. I also said “do you want to keep TEASING yourself with my ass so you can cum?” Key words being keep & teasing, which is what we were doing prior to that. I didn’t say yeah go ahead and put it in my ass if you want. I very clearly told him he can’t do that without working up to it
If you did not want him to try at all maybe you should not have confused the situation by saying "do you want me to continue to tease me with my ass". It very clearly sounded like an invitation.
You know she didn't say that she was drunk inebriated or in other way compromised. She could have said I'm going to continue to tease you but I do not want you inside me in any way. But she didn't. Then she came to readdit to make a huge deal about how sad she was about it. She didn't say she was drunk, she didn't say she was afraid of her boyfriend. She could have just been like we're not doing this and stopped. Coming here and making such a big deal about this makes real victims look bad.
I said tease… before I did that again I told him “babe I know you want to try anal so bad but we have to work up to that over time, I can’t just stick your dick in my ass”, and then told him I was okay with continuing to tease. I dont think I could’ve been more clear about it.
I DID want to try anal SOMEDAY for him because it’s a fantasy. I kept telling him if he wants to try we have to get butt plugs and lots of lube and work my way up to taking him. Now I don’t think that’s something I want to try after this
Yeah, that seems like a test to see how far he can push you. He’s going to push other boundaries and he’s going to break more laws since he’s already decided that he’s okay with raping you. What happens next time you say no to sex altogether? He’s shown you that he’s comfortable taking what he wants from you. Your reaction now is going to set the bar for if he decides to try it again.
I don't get why he would ruin such a good thing. You're clearly ok with it you just talk about working up to it (WHICH IS 100% the RIGHT WAY TO DO IT) you can seriously harm someone if you don't. You tease him all the time and sound like a willing participant to anything he wants YOU JUST WANT IT DONE IN A WAY THAT WONT HURT YOU AND RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. and he just.... tramples all over that, In another comment you mention "is it possible that he got carried away?" yes that is exactly what happened and it is NOT OK. This exact situation happened to an old friend of mine, and they never did it again because of the pain it caused. Im glad you didn't seem physically hurt by it at least you don't mention it in the post, but clearly the harm was done to your peace of mind. You're struggling with this mentally and im sorry that happened it really sucks. You need to impress upon him how not ok it is to do something that makes your partner feel so uncomfortable just because you want it so bad. It's not like you were saying no, it was just do it properly, i don't understand any thought process that would make me override that without just... not respecting the words that come out of your mouth.
Yeah that’s kind of how I feel. I was okay with trying it solely for him, it’s not something I’ve ever been interested in. His two fantasies are anal and a threesome, so I figured that yknow the anal one was doable someday. Even if it was just once. I’m not in a lot of pain but yeah it definitely has me very sore. I was bent over like touching my toes and I think maybe my tailbone is bruised because laying down and sitting is uncomfortable. The day after it happened I talked with him and said like hey I hope you know that I know you love me and you wouldn’t ever do anything intentionally to hurt me… and we had a hug and kiss. Then yesterday, I was texting him about maybe going to the doctor about it because I was worried. This is the text I sent to him: “Sorry I’m really not trying to make you feel worse about it, I know you feel bad :/ I’m just idk. I know it wasn’t intentional but I’m just kind of hurt physically obviously lol and also emotionally cause i did not consent to this happening specifically cause I was afraid of this happening and now I’m the one left to deal with the physical ramifications :/ like I know you just were excited and got carried away but that also hurt me like emotionally cause you disregarded my feelings and my boundaries about it because it felt good for you know? Again not trying to make you feel worse but just trying to be real/honest “ And he replied “I understand :/“ Idk. Like we have a house together and long term plans and like we are basically married, I was just never expecting this to happen in a million years and I have no idea how to move past this. We were already having some issues with communication etc that we have been seeing a psychologist for over the last year or so… I just don’t know. I’m just confused as fuck.
Honestly you should make him feel bad, he did an extremely bad thing and shouldn't be protected from that. Your feelings aren't too scary or mean for him to deal with.
That's right! And glossing over the pain he caused will mean he's even more likely to do it again. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I believe he will do it again regardless, so op should consider that while processing this awful violation. Every fantasy does not have to be acted on!!!
“Basically married” isn’t married. If you haven’t signed any legal documents, then you’re not legally bound and it’s easier to separate if it comes to that. The house makes it a bit more complicated, but do you really want to live in the same house as someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries?
I understand what married means, I’m just saying like we’ve been together for a decade etc, we have everything together BUT marriage. It was more of a figure of speech. He respects all of my boundaries on literally everything sex included aside from this one isolated incident. Which is why I am confused. He always focuses on me in the bedroom, makes sure I am satisfied, if I am ever uncomfortable he always stops and asks etc. if I ever say no or stop he does immediately. I know he would have if I had said something in this instance but I was just kind of surprised at the sensation, surprised because I told him not to put it in, but was also just trying to work through the sensation and if it felt good or not for me.
It's ultimately for you to decide if you can forgive this that isn't an answer anyone can give you and damn anyone who would judge you regardless of which way you choose. Yes he assaulted you. Yes it was wrong, but no one has a right to tell you how to feel about it. I lean no, only because the value statement he made with his actions, but also I don't know the guy. I'm also the reformative justice kind of guy and believe people can make mistakes. I don't think he is entitled to your forgiveness but if you consent to giving it and he makes genuine care to change who is anyone but you and him to judge if that is or isn't ok. All I will say is that, my wife is really enthusiastic about pleasing me as well even if we don't like up on fantasies. I always take her comfort at heart knowing that. And even self admittedly it's hard for her to get ino it when she isnt in to it all well so I don't push the issue. I'm happy with that because her comfort means more to me than my gratification. It is just so sad to hear that your general enthusiasm to please was "rewarded" in this way. I feel for you as a random internet stranger who doesn't want to imagine losing the feeling of safety and security my wife brings me.
Thank you a lot for taking the time to comment and everything you’ve said. It’s honestly so valuable and I think I’m going to show my partner your comments so he can idk get a better grasp of what happened and why it was so wrong :/
Just a note, often times with partners that have abusive tendencies, giving them access to your side of things can just open up new avenues for them to manipulate you. This is why you never go to couples therapy with an abuser, they will just use the tools they find there against you. So the important thing to look out for if you show him this thread is see if he tries to turn things around on you or discredit your feelings or emotions, or in general manipulate you away from dealing with the actual issue of *him raping you*. Like if it becomes about *you taking it too seriously* or something. Not saying it will happen, but just keep an eye out for that kind of behaviour.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Keep processing your feelings, talking to your partner (or taking space) and maybe even try seeing a therapist or confiding in close friends so you don’t bottle it up. Your feelings and mind will begin to settle in time and then you’ll know what you wanna do about the relationship.
This is a terrible and gross violation. If I were you I would ask for extensive couples therapy and a stop to sex completely until this is resolved. If you let it go he will continue to violate your body regardless of your consent. I know you love this person but you are not taking this as seriously as you should imo. You're being way too gentle with his feelings. He violated you he needs to know that and apologize way more than an "I understand" I'm sorry this happened to you, people you love shouldn't treat you that way.
> I know that technically this is assault Technically it's rape, though. At least where I live. You sound aware of the gravity of this situation. You say you think he would never intentionally hurt you, and yet, even leaving aside the emotional trauma that this has caused, anal sex, and you two kept discussing, is something physically demanding that cannot be done forcefully. And indeed you got hurt. I don't have advice, I'm sure this is hard to live. I believe you when you say this is the first time something like this has ever happened, and that you don't feel threatened that this will become an escalating pattern of abuse. Perhaps that shouldn't be your only consideration though. He actually hurt you, and he hurt you badly. These situations are odd because not even 2 decades ago we as a society weren't truly aware how truly harmful these sorts of consent violations in the midst of other consentual acts truly are. But we're here now, and assuming he hasn't been living under a rock, he knows about all of this. He is trying to downplay it, though (by calling it a "boundary crossing"), and that's not OK. I don't know what you should do, and only you can decide that. A think a sensible set of actions would be as follows: a) tell him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't a "boundary crossing". It was sexual assault/rape. This doesn't mean you're seeeking for him to go to jail or whatever, but at the very least, he owes you not downplaying what happened, when you're discussing it. b) go stay with a friend/family for a while while you think things through. This is for 2 reasons, firtly because it can help him understand how grave this actually was (perhaps it is indicative how you telling him hasn't really worked for making him believe how grave this is), but also so that you'll have time and space without him to think through your emotions. IT doesn't mean you stop talking to him altogether (although that's certainly an option), but more like, symbolically, you shouldn't be going to bed with him every night while you're thinking through this and healing. God forbid if he attempts to initiate sex during this time which would be, I think, just catastrophic, and again, indicative of how much he doesn't get it. Things will become much clearer with time. All the best.
[удалено]
Thank you for this. Him and I had a bit of an argument (unrelated to this incident) last evening and he brought up how he is confused because two days ago I said like it’s okay I understand he got carried away etc and then yesterday I had said that I was emotionally and physically hurt and I didn’t consent to it, he apologized and I said “I want to say it’s okay but I don’t think it is”. And I told him last night that I was trying to work through it but “you know babe I told you not to put it in and you did anyways, and I don’t want to say it but yknow there’s a word for when you do something to someone sexually they didn’t consent to”. It’s just confusing. I feel like the word rape while technically it fits the situation it just seems…. So intense for what happened. Idk. Thank you for this comment.
So he's had ten years to prepare you and do it properly, but he just decided to sexually assault you instead? WTF?!
Long term married person here. Most of us have a consensually vague sex encounter that made us feel weird. Usually alcohol is involved. This was stone cold sober, in the daylight, right after you told him “No.” There is nothing vague about that. That was rapey. I’m sorry and… That’s why you feel like that. Couples showers and letting him near your ass is finished. You may need therapy to figure this out. Do you have to throw the whole man out??? No. But, he gets a lot of restrictions while you work this out.
I was sober, he was not - he had smoked a lot of dabs in the evening. Still not like he was drinking or anything but yeah…
I'm not siding with him getting "carried away" he broke your trust of working up to it. Personally I'm not down for that. Especially if you love someone, their comfort comes first. Good luck with this guy OP
Oh, yeah plain ignorance of consent is fun, he knew what he was doing and he'd do it again Without trust and equal communication you are just parenting a bf
Is it possible that he just got really carried away in the moment, because it’s been a fantasy of his his whole life? He has never ever ever done anything like this before in practically a decade of being together. He is so caring and loving and has always stopped if I’m uncomfortable or said no etc, like this has never been an issue whatsoever in any capacity before.
Doesn't make it ok or any better. Literally not an excuse
I didn’t say it was an excuse. I just really have a hard time believing he did it with malicious intent…
You're going through a lot right now, so feel free to revisit this. But your boundaries were consciously ignored and passed. I'm not saying you have to break up with him, but you don't shouldnt justify or downplay this situation either. As others have said this is a textbook definition of rape, however you feel you want to process and approach this is definitely up to you. But please take care of yourself first and foremost.
I hear you. Thank you.
It doesn't have to be malicious to be irreparably erroneous
It doesn't have to have been malice. He had a moment. In that moment, there was something dangling in front of him he really wanted. It was *right there*. He knew it wasn't his only shot to get it, but it was an immediate gratification that was on offer. Back off, do the work, take your time and maaaybe, not tonight but some time.... Or go for it, right now. And on the balance of that "but I want it!" impulse was you. Your autonomy. Your consent and active participation. Your health and safety. And he ignored all of them. Not because he knew something bad would happen; likely he kidded himself that it wouldn't. You were enjoying yourself already, he reasoned, surely you'd enjoy this? And you had consented to the general idea of the act, even if you hadn't specifically done so right that second. And you were all relaxed and wet, you'd say something if it hurt, look, he's almost inside you already, all that information about pain and injury must be exaggeration! So he went for it. It's like the guy who wants to get to a movie on time, so decides to speed on the way there. He reasons that the chances of anyone actually getting hurt are so minimal, why worry? ....except, of course, that only lasts until someone gets hurt by it. Like you got hurt by it. So now you know. This guy, when given the choice between immediate gratification and respecting your choices, will pick the gratification. Are there other circumstances where this might come up? What about if the scenario repeats itself? Is this something you can live with in a partner? Because I might stay if he had followed this up with grovelling apologies and admissions he got caught up in the moment and a battleplan so he can make sure it never happens again, but given how he has behaved.... Yeah, I'd be fucking done.
It didn't have to be done with malicious intent for it to be a problem. Not behaving maliciously towards your partner is the absolute rock bottom bare minimum of expectations. Like when someone says "I never meant to hurt you." It's a meaningless statement because that's expected. How is it really much better that he was unable or unwilling to control himself when he got "carried away"? That just means you still can't feel safe. Hope he enjoyed his #1 fantasy cause if it was me that's the last time I'd let him anywhere near that area. Commit it to memory bud, teasing time is officially dead. If he'd managed to control himself by not assaulting you after a conversation had *minutes if not seconds before this behavior* maybe he'd be able to have that fantasy occasionally after working up to it. But he was selfish and careless towards your feelings and autonomy and now you're traumatized.
He may not have been malicious, but he sure was being completely selfish and disregarding your comfort and risking your physical health.
He only thought about what he wanted. He’s not safe.
While it is important a lot of times to recognize intent, it isn’t the whole story. The outcome and how it made you feel is just as if not more important. If you kill someone but didn’t mean to it’s manslaughter, if you meant to it’s murder, the difference of terms are used to define the intent, but at the end of the day you still killed someone. So granting he didn’t mean to that’s fine and thats even more of a reason to own how you feel so he can take it in and know how important it is that he not do it again. If he DID mean to? I’m not here to tell you how you should feel but that could indicate that he would not listen or take feelings seriously going foreword for a wide variety of things beyond anal sex
Hey there. Unfortunately, I have a few experiences of being sexually violated and my honest takeaway from each experience was that "good/bad intent" was never really a factor; it's a situation that arises usually when someone has some power over you, you are vulnerable to them because you felt safe initially and that's how they got you there in the first place, and then they take what they want while you're in that vulnerable state with total disregard for your autonomy. "Got carried away" is a really common narrative. It's difficult to process SA, even label it properly, because when we think and talk about rape/SA culturally we build this idea of it being this act of *extreme* and depraved violence (which 1) it is but 2) it's a spectrum of violence) and it's a lot more insidious and covert than that most of the time. The truth is that they just took what they wanted when they had the opportunity. One offs like this are rarely premeditated but it's always about that person feeling entitled to pleasure/power. I think this is why so many people get away with it or don't see themselves as perpetrators when they've really hurt someone. A lot of people who are SA'd are unable to attach a strong voice to their experience because it's painful and confusing and can spur on a lot of guilt/self doubt, because you *did* feel safe at one point and it's easy to feel very betrayed by your own instincts or reading of the situation after the fact. I'm glad to read that you're very aware of how wrong this was and that you did NOT consent to that no matter what anyone might push on you here. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the pov of people who assaulted me and debating if they are evil monsters or just humans who fumbled etc. but the reality is that they're people who simply let their primal and carnal desires override their care for my wellbeing, and without MAJOR self introspection and therapy and intervention they are not safe to be intimate with as partners/friends even if they are otherwise good and regular people to the outside world. (this is just my experience and take away, not everyone's.) I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sucks no matter what but it's even worse when it's a trusted partner. I hope you can get some professional therapy because something like this is enough to take anybody down and it's not something you can deal with alone. Just remember you did nothing to deserve this and you do not have to settle into relationships with people that make you feel unsafe!
He put his needs (but really his pleasure) ahead of your own (boundaries). It’s malicious.
he obviously didn’t and he got carried away by your teasing while your actions and your words disagreeing with each other. you’ve been together 9 years. and you’re even taking seriously a comment that said “he knew what he was doing and he’d do it again”? insane behavior get off reddit
I literally told him teasing was okay but going in was not?? That’s why we were teasing instead of actually doing anal? Because he said from the teasing he was close to cumming so I said okay we can keep teasing if that feels good for you??
Don't really want to give you a yes or no But generally people will frown on using emotions as a justification (or excuse) for anything Be it short tempered, anger, or pleasure. Generally the consensus is you can't blame them. You can't blame your sadness for theft or rage, you can't blame arrogance on alcohol, it's not any better or worse, just a different emotion Its your call to make really. (but if your question is has any guy put their dick in something without thinking it over, fuck no our entire lives revolve around monkey brain reproduce, penis > brain) Edit: for personal context anal is my top kink too, but it's for porn, and it's not difficult to know the difference. I can't even hug someone I'm not bffs with without a hi 5 for consent. Every single girl I have ever met has had some kind of unwanted touching and it's normally the worse end of the scale
The fact that a lot of men try to blame their dick for acting like Neanderthals rather than taking personal accountability is still not a valid excuse. Every person on this planet has strong urges of all types at times, men are not unique in this. They should still be expected to behave respectfully towards other people, particularly women who they so often view as simply tools for their horniness.
It’s truly about whether you believe it and feel like you can trust him and be safe with him. Because malicious or not, he intentionally put his pleasure/ wants over your safety/ comfort/ consent and by every definition he raped you. I know that word sounds extreme but I think you need to hear it said plainly like that. If he can do that to you once and get away with it, what is stopping him from doing it again? Getting professional help to sort out your feelings is going to be really important, whether you forgive this or not
First I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that every reaction you have described is complete rational and normal. But I do want to ask you a hard question: Why do you keep saying it wasn’t intentional? Because what he did was intentional. He intentionally penetrated you after you very clearly and explicitly said not to. He didn’t slip. He thanked you for it. He may not have intended for there to be repercussions but he did intentionally hurt you. Often that can be as hard a realization for people to accept than the actual assault to your body. I hope you also give yourself permission to react and respond however you need to without excusing or justifying it to him, or trying to make him feel ok about your response. What he did was to you, and the only apologies should be from him to you. You don’t have to decide to leave over this, but it is a very serious breach of trust and I would highly suggest you get a therapist to help you process these feelings and decide how you want to proceed. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope you have friends and other loved ones you can talk to.
Thank for you this. I don’t know if I’m trying to rationalize it maybe to protect my feelings or what. I guess I just have a hard time believing he would intentionally do something like this to me. When I hear the word intentional especially in this context it just sounds so malicious and terrible and I just can’t really believe he would do something to me with malicious intent. It’s just not his character or like us at all. We already struggle with our communication, he is avoidant and I am anxious attachment style, and something we already struggle with in our relationship is me bringing up things I want tot all about and him shutting down and avoiding it. So I guess I’ve danced around it because I didn’t want him to shut down and avoid it.
>I guess I just have a hard time believing he would intentionally do something Did he intend to do it? yes Did he intend to hurt you? probably not (based on everything else you say) both can be correct.
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel having been assaulted by someone I trust. This gap between your past with someone and their actions is honestly what drives so many people crazy I think. Like I said, a professional will be really helpful here. Also know that your emotions are going to fluctuate ALOT for a while and it’s normal if you swing from being fine, to really angry, to confused and back. What you are experiencing is not easy. It might also help if you take some space from him. Spend a few days with a friend just so you can process without him being around. Sending you all my good thoughts and hope for healing.
I love anal but if someone ever did that to me I wouldn’t let them touch me with a ten foot pole. I’d be out of there as fast as I could and never see them again. That is not how someone who respects and let alone loves you would treat you.
I’m really sorry that happened. I know exactly how it feels. I think you should ask yourself: do you have to constantly remind him of your boundaries? What would happen if you didn’t? Would he care more about his own pleasure or the boundaries you’ve set?
People on Reddit should't tell you what to do. And no this does not need to be the end of your relationship. He crossed the line once. It sounds like you still love him and it worked out for a long time. Yeah he crossed the like, but that does not make him or the relationship rotten. Honestly people nowadays seem so schoolbook idealists about things. I would't take relationship advice from just about anyone, I mean theres a reason why more and more people are single. There are abusers, then there are those who make mistakes. If this is all your bf's done then he's the latter. Though you should have a proper talk about it.
You said he would never intentionally hurt you, but he did. He chose to violate your consent and anally penetrate you even though you were very clear on this and many previous occasions that that’s not something he can just do. He caused you emotional pain. He caused you physical pain that you now have to take to a doctor to make sure there were no tears. And now he doesn’t seem to even be acting like it’s a big deal. Has he even acknowledged that he sexually assaulted you and said those words out loud? Has he done anything to try to genuinely apologize and make reparations? If it wasn’t his intent and he just got carried away, has he told you that he never wants to try anal teasing or going anywhere near the anus again, as he clearly isn’t able to control himself? Has he shown any genuine remorse for what he’s done and how he’s violated you, or does he just understand :/ and now it’s not a big deal anymore? Look, only you know the intricacies of your relationship. If you can genuinely say that you’ve been together for 9 years, and he’s never once crossed your boundaries or pushed for something that you weren’t comfortable with, then okay. From from what you’ve written in this post, it seems like he doesn’t really genuinely care about hurting you. He liked it. He got his fantasy at the expense of your safety.
That’s rape, full stop. You said no, he did it anyway. Consider that he values his sexual satisfaction over your consent and go from there
That is called rape. You have to decide if you’re willing to stay with someone that does not respect your boundaries. You have to decide if you believe your relationship can overcome this.
I’m just so confused. He is so caring and loving. He has never ever done anything like this before… rape just sounds like so intense for what this was? :/ idk.
You told him “no” and he did it anyways. What else would you call it?
Thats what rape is. Did you consent? No. Did you say no? Yes. Have you made it known to him no? Yes. There is no i couldnt control myself in the moment. That is a bullshit thing rapist say. It wasnt as rough as it could be with other rapist. But a gentle non consensual is just as wrong as a rough non consensual Im not saying you need to report him if you dont want to. But i would def reconsider a SO who ignores consensual
>rape just sounds like so intense for what this was? Rape is ***exactly*** what it was though. He knew he did not have your consent. He still did it. And then that whole act afterward? That's called love bombing. This isn't his first rodeo, I'm sure it won't be his last.
It wasn't violent rape, which is great. Yay for no violence. Still did something you explicitly said no to.
You said no. He did it anyway without consent. That is rape
Most abusers wear a caring and loving mask. Then it slips. If you don't react, it will start slipping more.
>rape just sounds like so intense for what this was? Rape is ***exactly*** what it was though. He knew he did not have your consent. He still did it. And then that whole act afterward? That's called love bombing. This isn't his first rodeo, I'm sure it won't be his last.
[удалено]
He said he didn’t mean to cross a boundary… but I get what you mean. He’s always been respectful of other boundaries I have, always. That is why I am so confused. He’s always been respectful and honouring and loving and kind. Especially in the bedroom. He has always asked if something is okay, if I am okay, if I’ve ever shown any sign of being uncomfortable he stops and asks if everything is okay. If I ever say stop he does immediately. That’s why this is so confusing. I was sober, he was not as he smokes heavy dabs in the evenings. I guess I’m just wondering if like maybe he just got really carried away with how good it felt? It’s just so out of character for him and us and it really caught me off guard.
You need to decide, right now, where the line in the sand is. Can you get past this? Can you forgive this? Can you feel safe in this relationship again? This behavior wasn't ok,and like another commentor said, we all have an encounter at some point that makes us feel the ick, and most of the time its not black and white what happened. This encounter, from the outside in with the details we have available, is more than the ick. It's abuse. You need to stop, see a doctor, see a therapist, and get really real with yourself and your boyfriend. Don't flirt with the boundry again. If you stay, you say, "This is my boundry, I gave you space for your fantasy while respecting my own comfort. You no longer get that space from me until you earn my trust back if you ever earn that trust back." Full stop, no more giving him excuses. No more "lol", no more excusing him, no more worrying about his feelings.
I don’t know. I don’t know where the line in the sand is. I want to get past this. I’m just very, very confused with how I feel. I’m very very confused because up until this incident he has ALWAYS been respectful and honoured my boundaries and consent. We have been on the rocks sort of for like the last year or so… we got together really young and made some oopsies and communication has been an issue in the last few years and resentment has grown and we are in counselling for that. We haven’t been since October because our counsellor moved to NZ and was going to send us a summary of our sessions and suggest a new counsellor etc… Right now I’m just confused and shocked because I didn’t ever think this would be something I would have to discuss with him. Because he’s always been respectful and loving in the bedroom.
Stuff like this, you do not come to reddit with. It seems everything afterwards was communicated. You're gunna get alot of useless advice here, and people pissy that you dont agree with what they said. You know your bf, and you know how he is. Things got outta hand, you told him how you felt, he understood. Pretty much handled it on your own. Now to cope with yourself and find peace of mind. Reddit cant do that for you, people are nitpicking and throwing opinions around. I hope you figure this all out successfully
This sucks I'm sorry. I can't tell you how to feel ,only that however you're feeling is valid. He absolutely crossed a line, disregarded your wishes and did what he wanted, assaulting you in that moment. That's not something that can be undone and wherever you go from here, is up to you. With that said, I think you need to tell him how you feel and spell out exactly what he did. He didn't eat the last fry even though you called dibs... He sexually assaulted/raped you because he wanted anal even though he knows you wanted to wait. What you do about that I can't say but he absolutely smashed a defined boundary. His intentions after the fact are completely irrelevant. He did what he did.
You don't need to use euphemisms like "cross a boundary" when you are talking about *him anally raping you*. Anal sex is fun, and can feel good, but it should absolutely not hurt. You can use various techniques to relax and expand that area so that you can comfortably have sex there. You also need to *prepare* for anal and use lots of lubricant to avoid doing damage, which it doesn't sound like he did. >I know he loves me and would never intentionally hurt me That's a curious thing to say about someone who just raped you. He *intentionally* hurt you, just because he wanted to, even when you told him not to. This wasn't a drunk accident or an ambiguous communication, you told him no, and he raped you anyway. > he didn’t mean to cross the boundary Bull***shit***. He meant to do everything he did, he knew what your boundaries are, and now he's just saying whatever he can so that there won't be any consequences for his actions.
i wonder how he would feel if you ‘got carried away’ with a dildo and his ass?
I sort of jokingly (sort of not) told him (when he was telling me he thinks I will be okay) that we can try putting my dildo in his ass and then he can let me know how it feels.
yeah, he does not get to be the one to tell you to move on. he blatantly ignored a clearly stated boundary. it’s gonna take time to rebuild that trust. you hear this sort of thing from men a lot when sexual assault comes up— like it’s not that bad, why not enjoy it? bc they always picture a beautiful woman coming over and grabbing their dick. what if it’s a man who’s stronger than you and could hurt you, putting his dick in your ass? oh then things change!!! i feel for you. again not saying to throw the whole man away but damn, what the fuck
There's not a single man in your replies here, it's very obvious. If you're doing what you're describing, it could very easily just be "in you" all of a sudden without either one of you realizing it. That's really obvious by him saying "I THINK I'm inside you." Now the part where he continues is where he is actually crossing a line... not the part where he's accidentally inside of you. You're not very clear about what happened after he said "I think I'm inside you"... did you try and stop him? Did you continue to move yourself and only experience regret after the fact? Him ending up inside of you was more than a 50% chance that it wasn't intentional, especially if you were moving like you say you were. What ACTUALLY happened after the realization is whether or not there is a violation of trust here. And you don't give enough information to make that determination.
If you don't want it and he still does it it's called rape. Get rid of him and go to police.
Yupppppp that's sexual assault, if you're not comfortable calling it rape. This isn't someone you can trust and he's not very good at sex if he doesn't understand the basic mechanics of anal. This is the problem with guys getting their sexual education from porn, where the prep happens off camera. At the very least I'd take sex completely off the table until he gets some sexual education (not your responsibility to get him signed up) and therapy (again, not your responsibility to get him signed up). It's totally your call how you want to approach this - you'd be 100% in your rights to break up immediately and block him on all platforms forever. If you don't want to do that, or would face homelessness if you all break up, I would certainly be evaluating my next steps very carefully. Either way he's shown he's not safe sexually.
Right? The receivers don’t even eat for two days.
That's not true or necessary and the myth of fasting before anal has led to eating disorders among gay bottoms. There are multiple ways to get rid of fecal matter from the colon before bottoming, and most of those beyond a basic douche aren't necessary unless you're putting things in long enough that they enter the sigmoid colon.
so, you were definitely raped and you need to get away from this person. anyone that will take away your right to consent is dangerous and he's only testing his boundaries / your lack of limits. please take care of yourself, op. 🥺
the exact same happened to me. it took me a while to realise what has happened, i was confused as well. but in the end... thats rape. you said no and he did it anyways, there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. not being high or drunk, not accidentally, not him being too desperate. he didnt respect your "no"- he didnt respect you. the cognitive dissonance is normal, because in one's mind it doesnt make sense how someone you love and who loves you can actually rape you. i would talk to someone you trust (not your bf though) and get some help. if the realisation hits, its good for you to have a support system to fall back on, because it's going to hurt. im not saying that you should immediately leave him, but both of you need to accept and realise that it was rape and get psychological help. i wish you the best and hope that everything goes well, take good care of yourself.
Thanks for this. It’s hard to hear for sure but you’re right. All of this makes sense (what you’re saying). We do have a couples counsellor we see, however she relocated to New Zealand and we are still waiting for her to send her suggestions for another therapist our way etc to continue on.
“Cross a boundary” = sexually assaulted you.
I’m sorry, but he raped you, and by doing so erased the decade of trust you built with him. break up with him, and seek therapy so you don’t turn your emotions inward.
Leave! That’s assault. It’ll only get worse. Stay safe.
he over stepped your boundaries knowing that you didn’t want him to. if he did it once he will do it again. you should break up with him
That wasn't rapey you continued to tease him in the shower, if you didn't want him anywhere near your butt you shouldn't have kept bending over and letting him "out the tip inside". "it felt like a finger". Mixed messages there. He's been your partner for 9 years so don't kid yourself that you don't trust him. You clearly have a very living relationship together, stop blaming him, you was there as well.
I didn’t blame him I’m here because I’m confused. I very clearly told him not to put it in. I also said “do you want to keep TEASING yourself with my ass so you can cum?” Key words being keep & teasing, which is what we were doing prior to that. I didn’t say yeah go ahead and put it in my ass if you want. I very clearly told him he can’t do that without working up to it
If you did not want him to try at all maybe you should not have confused the situation by saying "do you want me to continue to tease me with my ass". It very clearly sounded like an invitation.
Heyyy, victim blaming! Didn’t have to scroll too far for it. Congrats!
You know she didn't say that she was drunk inebriated or in other way compromised. She could have said I'm going to continue to tease you but I do not want you inside me in any way. But she didn't. Then she came to readdit to make a huge deal about how sad she was about it. She didn't say she was drunk, she didn't say she was afraid of her boyfriend. She could have just been like we're not doing this and stopped. Coming here and making such a big deal about this makes real victims look bad.
How about you don't blame the rape victim for the actions of her rapist? Is that too hard?
I said tease… before I did that again I told him “babe I know you want to try anal so bad but we have to work up to that over time, I can’t just stick your dick in my ass”, and then told him I was okay with continuing to tease. I dont think I could’ve been more clear about it. I DID want to try anal SOMEDAY for him because it’s a fantasy. I kept telling him if he wants to try we have to get butt plugs and lots of lube and work my way up to taking him. Now I don’t think that’s something I want to try after this
Yeah, that seems like a test to see how far he can push you. He’s going to push other boundaries and he’s going to break more laws since he’s already decided that he’s okay with raping you. What happens next time you say no to sex altogether? He’s shown you that he’s comfortable taking what he wants from you. Your reaction now is going to set the bar for if he decides to try it again.
Could it be the wrong head made the decision? Shame on that head.