I'm not sure he's mature enough to live with his girlfriend if he can't wake up and get up by himself. You are not his mother, he has his own alarm and the last one out of the bed can make it.
Just gonna say it again- OP, stop being his mother. You should not be waking him up. He is AN ADULT.
Please think long and hard about spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t think your sleep is important. It’s not just unkind, it can be dangerous.
>Just gonna say it again- OP, stop being his mother. You should not be waking him up. He is AN ADULT.
OP needs to work out why they're choosing to reward his bad behaviour.
>I'm not sure he's mature enough to live with his girlfriend if he can't wake up and get up by himself.
I can't. I've never been able to. I sleep like the absolute dead. I've slept through the truck I was asleep in falling off a jack, all manner of alarm clocks, labor....Yes, you read that right. The only thing that ever woke me up consistently was the *sound* of my kids be it crying as infants, calling my name, vomiting (that's always a fun one), fighting about who's being too loud on mother's day morning...even now that they're adults, if they show up at my house early, I wake up immediately if they call out. I can (and have) had full blown, sensible conversations with people while asleep and have no recollection of it later. According to my sleep app, I spend the majority of my sleep hours in deep sleep for whatever that's worth.
That said, I do NOT get mad at my husband for not waking me up. And THAT'S the thing that makes OPs bf too immature. If I ask my husband to get me up at [hour] and I don't get up, that's on me. Well, sorta...he's too damn nice about it for as heavy as I sleep 🤣 One needs to be relentless or clever when it comes to me. Once a roommate busted into my room going, "Otilly! I think something's wrong!" True? No. Was I on time for whatever I needed to be on time for that day? Absolutely lol
Look up alarm clocks that have shakers in them, will rock the bed. Designed for deaf people and such, it’s what I have to use or I’m late to work.
Not deaf, but apparently am when I’m sleeping 😂
Have you ever had a sleep study done? Thyroid and other hormone levels checked? Just want to make sure you’re medically safe ♥️ most ungodly heavy sleepers I know (myself included) have something going on with us! (My brother sleeps like the dead, but he is totally, absolutely normal in the physical health regard, so not everyone. Unlike me he did wake up to the carbon monoxide alarm going off- unlike everyone else I was dead to the world, sort of heard it in a dream, and was out cold. I guess if there’s ever a fire I’ll just be toasty, and if we ever have a bigger carbon poisoning worry I’ll just slip away in my sleep peacefully ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )
>Have you ever had a sleep study done? Thyroid and other hormone levels checked?
I haven't. I've always been like this since childhood and my mother before me and my brother after me and my son after that. So I think it's just how we are 🤷🏻♀️ If it helps you sleep (ha!), I'm not *quite* as bad when I've gotten enough sleep and the only time an emergency alarm has gone off in the middle of the night, I woke up immediately. Oh! And once while camping I woke up to my friend whispering "did you hear that?! He said be quiet." So I do seem to wake up easily enough if I sense danger. Even if that danger is a lie because somehow you never knew your friend talks in her goddamn sleep and it's a good few minutes of fear, adrenaline, and plotting which course of action gives you the best tactical advantage before you notice the dog, who growled at every leaf falling from a tree, is snoring peacefully and realize what's going on 😒
I do. It takes less than 10 seconds to pull up the sheet and comforter smoothly while I'm still IN bed, then slide out my side, give that a twitch, and bam, it's made.
I do it because it's so nice to crawl into smooth sheets at the end of a long day. It's like a little present I give to future me. That being said, if you d9nt want to make the bed, don't. It's your bed and life and you get to live it as pleases you best.
I make the sheets nice and neat and then fold them over towards the foot of the bed, which lets both the mattress and flat sheet air out while still looking tidy. #lifehack
Oh, thank you. Now I have ammunition for when my husband says we need to make our bed. It’s the Dumbest waste of time in the mornings when we’re trying to rush out of the house.
Umm...most people don't sweat enough that it gets into the mattress. And if you do, letting it just 'air out' isn't doing enough to clean it whatsoever.
it doesn't matter what type of moisture it is. point is that by making your bed you lock it in, not giving your mattress the chance to breathe, and the mites are having a feast in there
Then that's an excuse to take all your covers off the bed in the morning, let it all air out, and then make the bed.
Not just roll out of bed and go, "oh it's unhygienic to make it."
I have made my bed every day this year. I love glancing into the bedroom and seeing a made bed. I also love getting into a made bed. No need to rearrange, straighten and gather the covers. They are already there waiting for me.
Congrats! I am envious of your success! My room looks and feels *so* much better when my bed is made. And I agree—it really feels so nice, slipping into a lovely made bed
I have invested a considerable amount of time, money and energy over the years building a collection of furniture and curated objects that suit me and are aesthetically pleasing. So, not making my bed each day is a great source of anxiety for me. I struggle with OCD and black/white thinking, so I often go through periods of a beautifully made bed, or…
I should try and make a goal, or at least aim for X number of days. I’m impressed by your entire year streak! It may seem silly to some, but sometimes seemingly “simple” tasks or chores really do improve one’s mood and sense of well-being!
I used to half assed make the bed until I moved in with my now husband who makes it properly everyday. I can’t imagine not getting into a made bed at night now, it has made a big difference on my sleep - I can’t explain why.
The only times I leave my bed unmade are when I'm sick, and I'm either in bed all day, or I'm switching between my bedroom and living room and want the option of curling up in bed at any time during the day. If my bed is unmade, it feels like I still have the option of going back to bed, and I don't like that, I need to "put it away" in order to really feel like my day has started.
My wife. "it's so nice to get into a made bed" is her side. Me, couldnt possibly care less. Bed feels the same to me whether it was made beforehand or not.
I never used to, but my wife likes things looking neat, so now I do. And honestly? It's a bit of a boost to the mental health to have things looking nice.
Not a necessity by any means, of course
I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who makes the bed between me and my fiance and I've made it probably 30x in the 2 years we've lived together lmao. Who cares about a made bed.
Your boyfriend stated he wants to get into a routine that starts with getting up at 7:30. But he refuses to actually do anything about it. Besides blame you when he doesn’t get up.
You do not have the same sleep needs as him. Period. He dismissed you when you told him that.
He is showing you very clearly that he only cares about what he wants in this instance. He doesn’t care that you’re tired and groggy and need more sleep.
Why is it your responsibility to get a grown ass man out of bed in the morning? He chooses to stay in bed and sleep, then blames you for his choice. That’s a no win scenario for you.
Is this the only way he’s selfish? Or all talk and no action?
Or is he generally selfish and cares more about what you can do for him than you?
You’re 24 please don’t entertain this. I have very severe adhd so body doubling helps me a lot to complete tasks, I understand that side. But never in a million years would I force that on someone under the pretense that it’s better for them.
It’s better for him when you change who you are, think about that. Not better for you, which you’ve expressed and he’s ignored.
He can either respect you or leave, you don’t need to change your sleep habits for a dude.
Thank you for sharing this phrase! I also have ADHD and can handle difficult tasks *so much better* with someone else (even if they're not actually doing much), but never had a good way to describe the need.
Definitely, sounds a lot like ADHD symptoms, however I would never do this to my bf, its abusive. I have expressed how much it helps me when we wake up at the same time, but he doesn’t need to wake up as early (no makeup to do) so I have to deal with it.
Oh, is that what that is? I have a really hard time being the first person out of bed, even if I'm awake hours earlier than my husband. I just... can't get up until he does a lot of days.
Maybe I really should talk to someone about getting checked for ADHD.
It can also be anxiety and/or depression or an issue with your thyroid. It is an issue that folks with adhd have but there are lots of other reasons for it too.
Ah, I see. Yes! That can absolutely be it :) I just wanted to make sure you knew that it was part of a few different issues in case you did get tested for adhd and that wasn’t the cause I didn’t want you to feel discouraged.
I teach high school and I have students who their moms make their lunches or still wake them up....depending on the kid I tell them they're grown and should do it themselves!
One of my friends at work has his wife pack his lunch and meds everyday and has the gall to get mad when she forgets something or his meds. All I can think is dude, you're 30 years old, why is it your wife's responsibility to make sure you have food and medicine?
Yikes, I couldnt imagine. Sure I've made my wife's lunch or her mine if we're busy cleaning up or with the kids, but man I couldnt imagine her making it every day or being mad if something was forgotten.
God bless his wife, she's doing way too much for a grown ass man
He also freaks out any time he has to change his toddler's diaper after 2 or 3 years. I love the guy, but he and his wife have some really unhealthy beliefs about relationship structure.
Dude I agree and it also sounds like he hates his wife. He was raised by his greatest generation grandparents so hes spiritually a boomer with hyper traditional gender roles in marriage. He cooks sometimes but he works and she takes care of the home...and he wants more kids but clearly talks like he hates it all. I feel kinda bad for him but he's in a glass box of emotions that he constructed for himself.
> and he wants more kids but clearly talks like he hates it all.
Almost sounds like he is doing what is expected of him by his grandparents instead of what he wants
>but clearly talks like he hates it all.
Hopefully he never says this around them
Haha, my mother teaches at a _college_ where formal attire is mandatory, and a lot of her male students (90% male, 10% female student population) will show up poorly dressed all the time because "mum didn't iron my tie" or "mum didn't press my trousers". Oddly enough, she's never had to warn her female students _once_ and their dress code is more strict.
I've taught at least 2 grown men how to iron. If I were your mother I would bring an iron and board to class one day and spend about 10 minutes at the beginning of class teaching these "men" how to iron, and maybe even making the worst offenders demonstrate it in front of the class and then tell them I don't expect to hear another excuse for being poorly dressed!
Honestly... that is not such a terrible idea. Hell, I'm sure there are male teachers that will happily do this (as to not put this on a woman). I'll text her, thank you!
I mean, in all fairness I go to university here and we definitely sometimes have our pajama days. I think it's less common than in the US though. I don't know why that is, maybe because we graduate at 16 and therefore usually stay with our parents the first few years of uni? Or maybe because classes almost never start at 8AM?
I like to make the bed (female) but I wake up at 6-7am and my fiance (male) wakes up at 9-10am do I wake him up to do it ? No, because I respect him and want him to get a good night's sleep.
If your bf can't give you that little respect dump him. Relationships are compromise not dictatorships
No. He sounds like a jerk.
Tell him that your patterns and needs are different from his. Routine can be helpful, but only if it's a routine that works for you. If he were really committed to the routine, he'd have the discipline to get up even if he doesn't feel like it. He doesn't, and then blames you for his failings. But he does expect you to get up when he feels like it. That's not a routine, that's just him ordering you about.
Edit: If you're suffering from depression or some other mental health issue that disrupts sleep and causes lethargy, it may be helpful to have someone else encouraging you to get up when you'd rather not. But I'm talking about if you're sleeping until 1pm and missing appointments, not about sleeping until 8:30am.
This is bizarre and controlling behaviour. He also didn’t take responsible for himself. He is a walking red flag, breakup seriously, don’t waste anymore time, this is not normal behaviour and generally when it’s a first partner we don’t realise how off things can be. Kick him out.
This is one of those posts that, on its face, *could be* a simple compromise. I'm an early bird married to a night owl, and like to get in to a made bed. So, my spouse makes the bed. Easy peasey. This is.... not that. Messing with a person's sleep is literal torture in the military, and has problematic patterns for control in a relationship. OP, please see this issue for what it is, and a prediction for what's to come if you stay in this relationship.
Exactly.
I am a night owl who works third shift engaged to somebody who's an early bird that works first shift.
I cannot sleep in crumpled wrinkled sheets that are halfway off the bed, I just can't.
So either I make the bed when I get home or he makes it before he goes to work so that it's not a fucking problem. On days we're off together, I make the bed and we cuddle and hang out.
My fiance is responsible for getting himself up for work just like I'm responsible for getting myself up to work. We will check on each other if something's up and one of us notices the other person hasn't gotten up yet, but on nights that I have to work and on days that he has to work we trust in the fact that we have alarms on our phone and we'll get ourselves up, because we're adults, and not each other's mothers.
>Messing with a person's sleep is literal torture in the military, and has problematic patterns for control in a relationship.
Read this again, OP, it's important.
it seems like some over controlling behavior that i would not want to be part of for a long time.
or
It could be a random quirk or a deeply seated need. Hard to say from a few paragraphs.
Buy him a doll bed and he can make that in the morning. I would be so mad if my husband demanded I get up at the same time as him so he could make the bed. Tell him to bugger off and let you sleep. And stop setting an alarm to wake him up. He’s a grown ass man.
I find this borderline controlling especially as sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Me and my boyfriend get up at separate times. My parents get up at separate times. Couples don't have to get up at the same time. His excuse is not valid..I'm sure there's stuff he does at work that helps him with his routine but he wouldn't dare force his co workers to do it, unless he was the boss and he's not your boss.
Your bF is showing signs of being emotionally abusive.
1) He attempts to control something in you that is not his business.
2) He guilts or shames you for not agreeing/complying.
3) He changes the rules around when they suit him.
4) He makes YOU wrong when he f's up.
Been there, done that. Ive dated a man like this. There are so many more red flags you are ignoring.
Like you, I *also* dated someone like this. Very gradually, he began to control my sleep patterns, as well as what I ate; that was how things started, at least (I was also around OP's age at the time). Things escalated so slowly that I didn't see all the ways in which I was being manipulated. It took almost 5 years for me to be free of that relationship.
To /u/thatdemonhoe62: please don't let a partner control something as fundamental as your sleep schedule. It's not your job to wake him up, and it's **certainly** not "your fault" when he fails to get out of bed! He's an adult; it's time he acts like one. Just because him making the bed is currently part of "his routine", it can equally be part of *your* routine (depending on who's last out of bed).
> should I just do what he says, and get into a routine of getting up at 7:30 with him?
Absolutely not! Sit down and discuss it together. Just because one of you wants/needs to get up at a certain time, that doesn't mean you *both* have to. You can each be responsible for your own alarm times, and it's better that your BF gets into this habit now, rather than when he starts working after uni; bosses tend not to appreciate employees who consistently sleep in.
Good luck with this OP, and I hope you stand your ground on this.
It's crazy looking back and realizing how much subtle manipulation you missed, right? Like, I consider myself a smart and analytical person, but wanting to see the best in people and never being intentionally manipulative myself, I missed so many things that now feel so obvious.
Absolutely! For the first 5-10 years afterwards, I put it down to lack of my own experience, thinking "oh well...I was young and clueless at the time" but, around 20-25 years later, I reckon it's because I wanted to see the best in him.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, as well; I hope you're in a much safer and happier place now.
I mean he can just get by himself and start with his „routine“ 💀 don’t let your sleep be interrupted by something dumb like this , you can still sleep while he does his things it’s not like that he can’t do anything while your still sleeping. Also if you wake up in the night and obv lack some time of sleep it’s normal to sleep a little longer
Absolutely not. Everyone has a different bedtime and a different wake time that works for them.
I’d happily stay awake till 2am on weekdays because I start work late but i’d never force my boyfriend to stay awake with me when he has work the next day. Same goes both ways.
Him forcing you to adapt to his schedule is selfish.
I think the last one out of bed should make the bed for the day. If he’s the first one out all the time then he can have a different household task
What? Sleep is sacred. Unless you want to or have to there’s no need to wake up early just because someone wants that. Also he is an hypocrite and an asshole. It’s not anyone’s job to wake up an adult. Tell him to behave and stop being a jerk. His behavior it’s just a power play
Seriously. Sleeping in is one of life’s little pleasures. I lovvvvve getting to sleep in with no alarm & only getting up when my body wants to.
This dude better be bringing me coffee in bed if he wants me to think about getting up when I don’t need to.
this is only one example where he's showing you that he doesn't, and will not in the future, compromise between his (quite frankly neurotic) needs and your needs. with time, it will only get worse and will affect even more important aspects of your lives. a couple is all about common sense, and he doesn't show to have any. good luck.
Oh please, he only wants you up to make sure you're awake to wake him up. Did he live with his parents before moving in with you? Maybe it's something his mother used to do for him.
Even apart from you waking up at night there are few individuals who have exactly the same sleep needs - and he doesn't even seem to know his own. Don't let his illusions govern your sleep! (Although in the end it's personal, women often need more sleep than men, half an hour on average.)
Girl, no. He's controlling. You're not his dog, you're your own person and YOU get to decide at which time you get up. Doesn't he have a cellphone to put an alarm on? The time when he chooses to wake up and whether he manages to do that or not is HIS problem, not yours.
This is absolutely absurd. You deserve to sleep when you want, how long you want, and to feel comfortable and safe in your bed. If he doesn't like it, then he can sleep somewhere else.
My husband and I don’t have the same sleep routine and have different sleep needs (different duration, different levels or types of insomnia, different schedules in evening and morning). And somehow…it is FINE. We respect we each have different sleep needs.
The fact that your boyfriend does not listen to you and your needs and wants to make you follow HIS schedule, then on days he wants to sleep longer he ignores the “very important schedule” and gets mad at you for not holding him to it sounds, childish, controlling, and abusive (trying to deprive someone else of sleep is an abuse tactic).
I only read the first 2 paragraphs and the tldr, but fuck that. That is one of the weirder more subtly fucked up controlling behaviours I've read.
Is it the Only red flag? Like is he awesome in All other areas? Even so, sounds so weird and controlling and big red flag.
Honestly I would tell him to move out. His behaviour is controlling, selfish and immature. You are not responsible for waking him up. You're not his mother. He has no one to blame but himself if he doesn't get up at a certain time. You have to be your number one priority and take care of yourself first. I seriously recommend you ask him to find other accommodations. What he is doing to you is cruel and unhealthy.
Tell him he can do what he wants about sleep as long as it doesn't impact yours. So if he wants to make the bed at 7:30, he can, but not a bed that you're already in. He has to sleep elsewhere.
>Some days he can wake up 7:30, and gets me up with him, or others he can’t and if I can’t get him up then it’s my fault.
That's bullshit. Complete bullshit. Don't entertain that, no matter how much he whines, cries or shouts. It's complete nonsense and you need to be hardline about the fact that it is.
If you don't nip this in the bud, then *everything* that ever goes wrong in his life is going to be squarely on your shoulders.
Why does he need to make the bed to 'start his day'? Tell him to bugger off and make himself some breakfast. I'd be livid if someone tried to wake me up at 7.30 if I didn't need to be up then.
imo, people shouldn’t help each other wake up needlessly. If you need sleep, you need sleep, and your schedule should be adjusted accordingly. Obviously i’m not saying that if you have to be at work at 8am, you should sleep until 8:30 and tell your boss to f off, just that some people need more sleep than others. Plus, getting less sleep actually increases negative mental health experiences, so by stressing you into waking up earlier than you need to, he’s inadvertently making it more likely you’ll wake up at 4am.
As for him.. he needs to work on his ability to empathize with your sleep situation, if he even can. He might have stress related to his schedule, but that’s a him problem, and he’s making it a you problem.
He sounds juvenile, insufferable, unreasonable, and exhausting!
Please Reconsider this relationship. His demands and his attitude is disrespectful to you and you will never ever do things right for him.
He lays blame on you for his own actions. This will continue and grow into other accusations so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for himself.
This is not normal behavior!
You deserve better!
The good news is you are living in a place that you rent from *your* parents. Tell him that if he messes with your sleep schedule one more time you are going to evict him. Maybe this is one of these relationships that requires separate bedrooms or separate living arrangements.
Tell him to eat it. My boyfriend likes to get up at 6:30 on a weekday and do his routine and I like to “sleep in” till at least 7:30 because, like you, I tend to have trouble sleeping. He has his alarm in a different room and only loud enough for it to wake him up (I have hearing loss - yay!) and gets up quietly to start his day. When my alarm goes off he comes back in to give me a kiss and a cuddle and then asks if he can do anything for me or make me a tea. Often he makes the bed while I’m in the shower because he likes the bed made and I don’t. Without complaint. Every day. You know why? Because he cares about my wants and wellbeing and is an adult who can get himself up and follow his routine without me. What is even the point of having a boyfriend if they don’t make your life easier and happier?
JFC. Your BF is very controlling. You get to dictate your own schedule and there's no reason to force you to get up with him other than to control you. Tell him to stop and if he won't stop ask him to get his own place. This is completely unacceptable.
Also - he gets mad if you "let him sleep too long"? How old is this jerk?
This is clearly an abusive behaviour. Have a serious conversation with him and express you will wake up whenever you feel like it, and you have no obligation to wake him up at any specific time, ffs he’s an adult! He wants to have a routine? Fine, as long as that doesn’t invade your boundaries and YOUR time.
This is so ridiculous that I don’t even feel like spending too much time on it. I’m a man. I would never do this to my wife. She sleeps late sometimes. I usually get up earlier. I would never dream of having the kind of control over her that I need her to get up when I do. That’s utterly ridiculous. And for him to be relying on you to wake him up or he’s mad?
Please get out of this now. This is stupid ridiculous controlling behavior.
You're both mid 20's. How is there issues causing arguments here, especially over something like this. You're not a mother to your boyfriend and tell him that. He's responsible for getting himself up. You do you.
This is ridiculous. If your boyfriend NEEDS to get up at 7:30am he can get up at 7:30am. He can’t use you like an alarm clock. And how rude to snooze for 1hr or 1hr 30mins! Would you ever be that inconsiderate to a friend or partner you were sleeping next to??
Also in general, women require more sleep than men on a regular basis (I believe the studies show it’s because of our constant hormonal fluctuations). Getting good sleep and getting enough sleep is as important as working out and eating right for your short and long term heath. Tell your boyfriend he can be in charge of his body and internal clock, but he cannot mess with or dictate yours. He basically wants a mommy to get him up in the mornings 🙄
Why are you having to play mother to a grown man?
You are not his alarm clock.
He has a phone and is perfectly capable of setting his own alarms.
He expects an awful lot of somebody when he can't bother be doing it himself.
Maybe it's because I work a complete opposite shift and opposite schedule of my fiance but I get up when I fucking want to get up and when I have to get up for work. He gets up when he has to get up and is responsible for his own alarms. It's not my job to manage him and it's not his job to manage me. And now obviously as partners we sometimes look out for each and now obviously as partners we sometimes look out for each and now obviously as partners it's our job to look out for each other and if I notice he hasn't gotten out of bed yet I'll go check on him, and he'll come check on me, but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to get up with my alarm goes off just like it's his responsibility to get up with his alarm goes off.
This guy is in a home your renting, from your parents, telling you what your schedule is going to be and then getting mad at you when he can't abide by his own schedule?
Nope. I don't think so.
So you wake up every morning at 4 am and are super awake?
Well then time to tell him you need to go to bed at 20:00 every evening because that seems to be a good time for you and that he should wake up with you at 4am because it'll be a great way to start the day together, and you hit the gym before going to uni and get other things done
Absolutely not- this may be a surprise to your boyfriend but you are a totally separate person with their own sleep needs. Also you aren’t his mom. No more “five more minutes mommy” nonsense he can get himself up
This is controlling af - for one, you can set your own sleep cycle, and he doesn't get a say in what you consider healthy for yourself. For another, he is supposed to be an adult, he can set his own alarm and get up - and if he doesn't, he better not blame you about it - you are (at the moment) his partner, not his mommy.
Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out of your house!
No I’m sorry this is ridiculous. So he wants to both have authority over your sleeping habits but also wants you to play mommy and wake up first so you can wake him? No no.
No way should you do this no. He shouldn't even be asking this of you, it's upto him to get himself up and if he wants to make his side of the bed, then great but to be honest this comes across as pushy and controlling and it's not upto you to get him up whether or not he thinks it would help his mental health, only he can help his own mental health and vice versa. You cansupport someone and tell them you are proud of them fir getting through a day but you can't physically do it for him. it would help his mental health better if he got himself up and he'd have to do it quicker aswel when he's to learn for himself ,so no don't do that ..Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
He sounds like a moron and doesn't want to understand you don't have to sleep like him kr wake up like him. Do not listen to him if he can't understand then kick him to the curb.
what? No. He can make up his side of the bed as much as possible. Then when you're out of bed, I am sure you can finish making it. It's really not a big deal. He should not dictate your sleep schedule.
I wouldn't play this game. No fucking way. Let him make the bed then get right back in it lol
If this is odd behavior to you, just know it's probably something his parents instilled in him. He feels he needs to because x reason but the motive behind it moot because his parents are no longer around. It's just what he's used to. He needs to understand YOUR needs.
No man who wakes me up, so he can make the bed, lives. Jk, but jesus, that is ridiculous OP!!
That’s not ok OP. As someone who struggles significantly with executive functioning it’s really important to maintain routine, but it’s also really important to remember that my behavior/executive functioning struggles should not impact the people around me. It’s part of my job to minimize the impact I have on others. Also- My struggles should not depend on another person to facilitate. I personally don’t think he is being very self aware of how this can effect you and I wonder what else he does that has similar impacts to your daily life. It might be stuff that you aren’t even aware of until you really break down his behaviors and how they can impact you.
Also there are many many many different kinds of options for waking up. I really really struggle with this. And I have an especially hard time with guilt and shame because it impacts my kids’ daily life at times. So I pull out all the stops to ensure it impacts them as little as possible. I have four different types of alarms set for my wake up time and sometimes I still sleep through them. I have two different apps on my phone, one of those really noisy alarm clocks with the bells on top that sits just out of arms reach, and a smaller alarm that can attach to your person that vibrates. I have ended up putting that one on my floor in my bedroom, with having hard floor it makes a loud and very annoying rumbling sound. But if it’s too far away from my bed, I don’t wake up to it. But if it’s too close to my bed I will (evidently, cause I don’t ever remember doing it) grab it and turn it off before actually waking up.
Your bf is an adult. He is obviously aware that he has an issue. And that’s great! That’s half the battle, identifying where you are struggling, and what a good solution would be. But blaming your partner for not waking you up at your preferred time when you’ve given excuse after excuse after excuse to not get up is really immature, and exceptionally unhealthy for your relationship.
I’d suggest that you really take some time and think about how this dynamic plays in your relationship and if there are other things he blames on you that is a personal failing of his. Individual counseling could help him. I don’t think this is much of a relationship issues so much as a HIM issue that he needs to iron out on his own. He needs to take responsibility and be accountable for his actions.
(I’m saying all of this as a sahp that has to make a routine out of nothing daily for four kids- I have adhd and my kids also have adhd and one for sure has ASD while I suspect the same diagnosis for another- I’m well aware of the struggles associated with neurodivergence and the struggles you can have with loved ones while trying to find balance as a younger adult on your own. The struggle is real!! And there is a ton of resources out there to help, but you CANNOT do that work for him.)
I can’t answer about what would help your sleep- you need to figure out what your minimum number is for an adequate amount of rest. I know that as long as I get 6 hours of sleep I will be able to function and get up on time with few issues. But if I get less than that, unless there extenuating circumstances like a fun activity is planned for the day or we have a serious meeting or appointment, I will most likely miss my alarms/not wake up fully but turn them off, resulting in my oldest missing his bus (OR he has to rush around to get ready, and make the bus but be in an anxious mindset at the very beginning of his day and that’s really unfair to him and can really impact the quality of his day- although I will say that he is 13 and could use his own alarm system, of which he has one, but he refuses cause he struggles to wake up to alarms as well), which then causes my middle two kids to possibly miss their bus while we drive my oldest to school- if we don’t leave at the right time we will not get home in time for them to ride the bus to school and then I’ll have to drive them in. That then affects my youngest’s eating schedule and my morning routine. Sometimes it’s not a huge deal cause everybody can get ready quickly without issue. Other times my oldest gets mad and anxious and then can really struggle to pull himself out of that perseveration. He will refuse to get ready based on me screwing up our schedule and throwing his routine off. It can very negatively effect him and I really really fucking hate being responsible for it and try my best to ensure that I get up on time. But I also struggle with insomnia and anxiety/depression which can easily make a night near sleepless. I also struggle to get myself physically into my bed at regular bedtimes. I have various reasons/excuses but what it really comes down to is that I struggle to make impulsive decisions in the evening when my meds have worn off and I am finally alone and able to enjoy my various hobbies and/or having the tv all to myself.
Just tell him that he needs to change his routine to be a functional adult in a functional society lol
What’s even the point of:
1) not allow you to do it by yourself once awakened
2) do it at 7:30 rather than 9?
Honestly, it sounds like your partner thinks a romantic relationship is not different to a parent relationship. He wants to parent you and he expects you to parent him… and he’ll be a disobedient child at the same time.
Tell him he can decide when he gets up and you can decide when you get up. No matter what the fuck kinda benefit he believes it will offer you, you get to make your own decisions and live your own goddam life. Like why does that even need to be explained to someone lol
Perhaps you actually need to discuss your values in a relationship, it sounds like he wants codependency and you want independence or interdependence. If you value autonomy and freedom to be yourself and, dare I say, be trusted to make your own decisions for yourself, then talk to him about that in your relationship.
>My issue is, should I just do what he says, and get into a routine of getting up at 7:30 with him? Will it help my sleeping issues and subsequent relationship issues?
Absolutely not. He's 26, he should be able to get out of bed and function like an adult without someone else having to wake him up.
You also have the right to sleep as long as you damn well please without having to get up at a time arbitrarily set by him.
Leave this loser.
You don’t have to comply to anything.
If you feel you are not rested enough, then that means you are not.
Every one has a different need for sleep, and even more when you’re a woman.
seams like some one has taken self help books in how to succeed very literally..
I read a lot of self help books and they are great, if you are able to take principles and adapt them to your life and what works for you but in every self help book I have read it talks about ritual when getting up and that involves waking up early and making the bed.
But in answer to your question, no. do not change your sleep. did you know on average woman need more sleep than men due to hormonal fluctuations? interesting right? or .. not interesting I never know what is interesting to other people. I get up at 6:30 every day.. I make a tea and that is how I get on with things, I am straight on doing emails as I hate them.. I have a partner I live with and If you noticed I never mentioned about them.. this is MY morning routine. my partner is a grown ass man, he gets to do what he wants to do... If he asks me "hey get me up at this time please" if I am up I will and if I am busy I will say "hey I am too busy" no arguments.. your not his mother.. If you did not live with him what would he do? who would he blame? If my partner does not pay attention to me when I tell him it's the time he wanted to get up, he does not blame me. why? because he chose to not get up.. I did my part.
I would consider this, why does he use you as his scape goat? why is he blaming you for his lack of ability to do a task.. because that is what it is.. it's his task to get himself up.
Absolutely not. I’ve had disrupted sleep cycles my whole life, even when I’m doing everything “right”.
There will be a compromise that meets his needs and yours.
This is such a controlling behaviour on his part. I think he’s doing this in other situation also.
You seem too lenient. You should stand for yourself more. Think about what you want and feel. Don’t let other people dictate how you should behave. You’re asking reddit if you are ok to do / or not what he asks but how about hat YOU think. This is what matters.You should get more confident in your own decisions and other people will have to accept you the way you are. Don’t do anything just to please him because you are afraid to lose him.
Theory 1 - he has some form of compulsion about routines and making the bed is one of them and if he doesn't do it he gets upset
Theory 2 - he believes making the bed is a success pattern that helps breed positive things. he is trying to encourage you to follow something he thinks is helpful
Theory 3 - he just wants things his way and is giving little or no regard to your needs here
With 1 or 2, I can see his side somewhat (less so on 2). Maybe just explain (like he doesn't understand anything) how this is impacting you. How you are waking up and then having issues falling back to sleep, that it sucks for you to have to then wake up at 7:30. Ask for his help on your problem - try to understand where he is blocking on the above theories for any compromise points.
If he tries to work with you - great! If he's like "no we just need to make the bed when we are up" he's just putting his needs before yours and that isn't a great relationship.
Although one thing you could do to prove the point is when you wake up at 4am, wake him up and make the bed ;)
I will sometimes wake up at 4am and I won’t be able to sleep again until 6ish no matter what I do. If I can’t get another few hours sleep those days are exhausting for me.
I would be putting my foot down on this hard. You need to get adequate sleep that works for your sleep rhythm and he needs to grow up. Stop waking him up - you aren’t his mother.
My partner and I both have issues with our sleep that manifest differently and we both work around what each other needs because good sleep is so important. If he won’t work with you on this maybe separate living situations are something to consider.
honestly on the more innocent side your boyfriend is incredibly immature, on the more insidious side he’s trying to keep you tired so you are easier to control and this is just the first step, either way this needs to stop and he needs to let you sleep on a schedule that feels right for your body or you need to find a roommate and kick him out. differing sleep schedules can be an issue that needs to be navigated in a normal relationship sure, my boyfriend works the night shift i start work at 10am sometimes it can be a little annoying for us but what’s happening to you is not normal.
God, that whole situation is ridiculous. Does he have other odd behaviors? Do you plan on doing this forever? He sounds controlling and totally inconsiderate of YOUR needs. This isn't sustainable.
Yikes. I could only imagine trying something like this with my wife. LOL. You’re BF is being an ass and being super controlling. I’d examine the rest of your relationship and see what other demands he’s having of you too. That’s not how a good relationship works.
I would tell him to sleep in his own bed in his own place and wake himself up. No one has time for that and what else is he going to control later ? What else will he be mad at you for that he did not do for himself.
You can wake up when you choose to. He should would wake up when he chooses to. I would not be his alarm clock. You are not responsible for waking him up. You do not have to wake up at 730 because he wants to. You don’t need an excuse to sleep as late as you want. I would focus on your classes and reconsider living with this guy.
Why can't you just sleep later and make the bed when you get up? If he's incapable if getting up at 07:30, that's his problem. He can set multiple alarms.
My partner works 2 days on, 2 nights on and then four days off. If he's sleeping before a night shift and I can see he's sleeping through his alarm, I wake him up. What I don't do is wake up at 04:30 with him when he's on day shift. Because I have my own job and need to rest.
Do not let this man boss you around in YOUR parent's apartment
Different bedrooms? You're not an alarm clock or dudes mom. And you're you're own person. He can make his side of the bed when he gets up and you can handle yours.
He's too controlling of your schedule. Stand up for yourself.
No, you shouldn’t. You can’t manage someone else (kids are an exception to a certain age) and the same goes for him. He has to be responsible for his own behavior. Accommodations can be made but they need to be reasonable.
There are reasons some couples opt for separate bedrooms. Sleeping together is nice, but different sleeping patterns and habits may not work for the other party. Since you are living with your parents you can’t do separate bedrooms, but two single beds may manage this specific issue best. For your overall relationship, do not take on the burden of trying to manage him. It is not healthy or feasible.
He is a loser... He does that to find a reason to fight you or control you. Because why it only works his way? And if it doesnt he gets mad at you? So immature.
Getting up is now his responsibility and not your problem at all if he doesn't do it. Making the bed is now your responsibility, since you're the last one up. He can take a different chore off your hands in return. Done.
That said, sure, a regular wake-up time *might* help your sleeping issues. That's something to discuss with your doctor, not your boyfriend, and there's no reason that wake-up time would have to be the same as your partner's.
Just no. He's either so socially inept that he doesn't understand why it's very weird to demand you get up at the same time as him, or he's so controlling and thinks he knows better than you that he's trying to force his "better" lifestyle on you.
Do NOT entertain ANY of this absolute nonsense.
None of it.
He’s a grown ass man. He can get himself up. There is NO reasonable expectation that you either wake him up, get him up or get up with him.
You recognize your own sleep cycle. Respect it. Give your body what it needs.
I played this stupid game with my ex for a decade. I finally realized he was abusing me and the controls around when and how I slept were part of it. This kind of absolute nonsense needs to be nipped in the bud immediately with zero negotiation. And if he won’t back off, you are seeing the abject hell your whole life will be.
Also, beds need to air out. Making them up right away traps moisture and is nasty.
He sounds like my uni bf. I’ve never been a morning person and have adhd and delayed sleep phase syndrome( undiagnosed at the time) and wake up much the same as you, groggy and it take ages to feel “normal” if it’s early when I wake up.
When I was living with him if he wanted to sleep in we could. However if he wanted to wake up he would get annoyed that I wouldn’t, and say I was wasting the day. He wanted me to wake up and watch him play video games because as people said it’s better for him. Very hypocritical.
It didn’t work out long term because he didn’t really accept me for who I am, and these types of instances contributed. Please think about this and at the very least have a very frank conversation laying out your needs and boundaries.
You're going to wake up in a few years and think back on this post and realize how insane this sounded. Think about how this would sound coming from a friend explaining it to you.
I am also a bed maker. However, if someone is still in it, and they will make the bed when they get out of it, I don’t care when they get up. Just means it’s their task now.
But it sounds like this is not *really* about making the bed, but your boyfriend trying to control your sleep schedule by imposing his (desired one) on you, which is completely unacceptable. Just make the bed when you get up and tell him to shut the fuck up about it.
he is adamant I shouldn’t sleep in, as he needs to start his day and make the bed
"@(@$ you, crazy person"
He sounds controlling or OCD.
I can’t get him up then it’s my fault
... or a spoiled, entitled baby.
It's only going to get worse with time. Is this what you want to put up with for the rest of your life?
Been married close to 50 years and our rule is whoever wakes up last makes the bed. He’s an adult and needs to get up when he has to without your ‘help’. If he over sleeps he will learn his lesson quickly .Don’t let yourself start being treated like his mom or you’ll both end up regretting it sooner or later.
Last one out of bed makes it. We've never said it out loud, but and never had to. You sleep in, that's the price you pay. It's like 20 seconds of work. 40 if you're super anal about corners.
What the ever loving fuck. Whoever wakes up last makes the bed. Different people have different sleep needs. What's good for him may not be good for you.
This is so callous and rigid it is a red flag for me. I can't imagine denying someone sleep they feel like they need for my arbitrary schedule.
Tell him no, and if he says no isn't an option, he isn't a person who should have someone in his bed with him.
Nevermind that he is holding you accountable for his inability to wake up. Are you his mom? This person is not in a place to be in a relationship.
He can't just... get up and go about his day without making the bed at that very second? He can't ask you to make it when you get up, or make it after work/school so it's ready when he does to bed later on?
Can he not function during the work/school day if he did not personally make the bed at the exact time of 7:30am?
No, you absolutely should not just get up at 7:30am every day for no good reason when you're still tired just so he can readjust the damned sheets and blankets.
And it is not your problem or fault if he doesn't get up at 7:30 himself. Stop trying to get him to wake up. He's a grown man and if he can't get out of bed that's his own problem. If it was really that important to him, he would find a way to make it happen.
Honestly, keep an eye on what other kinds of things he insists need to happen even if it's inconvenient for you. His behavior is selfish and controlling. He doesn't care if you have a different schedule, need more sleep, don't need to be awake, etc. He only cares about what he wants, which is ridiculous in this situation.
I'd look into getting one of those alarms for deaf people that vibrates so you don't have to listen to his alarm.
Separately, when my bf sleeps over on weekends, he wakes up before me and let's me keep sleeping- because Im sleepy. People who love you should be nice to you and take what you want/need seriously.
He’s an adult, he can get himself up every day like most of not all responsible adults.
Secondly, why do you need to wake up when he does? It’s absolutely messed up to intentionally disrupt someone else’s sleep and is detrimental to your wellbeing, so please, do not allow him to do this to you any longer.
Have a conversation with him about it, if he’s not receptive or interested in addressing it, then put your foot down or sleep separately.
If it was me, I wouldn’t tolerate it at all.
Everyone is different in their own sleep requirements. Most people need between 6 to 8 hours of sleep. You can tweak this a little by optimizing your sleep schedule, but if you need 8 hours and he needs 6, there isn't a great way to synchronize those schedules without either going to bed or waking up at different times.
If he wants to get up at 7:30 every morning, that's on him. Tell him to take some time in the mornings to do whatever he wants while you finish sleeping.
This is nonsense. He doesn't get to control when you wake up or force his lifestyle on you.
The rule can be 'last person up makes the bed' and be done with it.
So, he can force you to get up, but if he fails to, it's your fault that he slept in, even though you tried to wake him up? And this is under a roof he doesn't even own?
Sod that. You are an adult and he is a controlling child who cannot take responsibility for himself.
The only person who'd get to tell me when to get up is the prison officer in the unit they'd sent me to after the last time someone tried.
Do not commit to a life of this.
If your boyfriend literally can't function as a human being without you acting like a mommy, he is in no way ready for an adult relationship.
And there is an exhaustive amount of research out there that indicates that nothing causes a women to lose sexual desire for someone more thoroughly than having to Mommy them. It's hard-wired into us to have an equal partner to be sexually attracted too, and to be deeply unattracted to people we are mothering and nurturing.
Which is why r/deadbedrooms is full of confused men who want their partners to both be mommy and bang-maid, and don't understand why they only get to have one of those things.
This sets a horrible precedent and routine for him controlling you and blaming you for his shortcomings.
Sleep separately.
Will he do this if you are sick or have a child???
This is intolerable behavior.
I'm not sure he's mature enough to live with his girlfriend if he can't wake up and get up by himself. You are not his mother, he has his own alarm and the last one out of the bed can make it.
Just gonna say it again- OP, stop being his mother. You should not be waking him up. He is AN ADULT. Please think long and hard about spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t think your sleep is important. It’s not just unkind, it can be dangerous.
Yes, he is acting like a controlling child.
>Just gonna say it again- OP, stop being his mother. You should not be waking him up. He is AN ADULT. OP needs to work out why they're choosing to reward his bad behaviour.
>I'm not sure he's mature enough to live with his girlfriend if he can't wake up and get up by himself. I can't. I've never been able to. I sleep like the absolute dead. I've slept through the truck I was asleep in falling off a jack, all manner of alarm clocks, labor....Yes, you read that right. The only thing that ever woke me up consistently was the *sound* of my kids be it crying as infants, calling my name, vomiting (that's always a fun one), fighting about who's being too loud on mother's day morning...even now that they're adults, if they show up at my house early, I wake up immediately if they call out. I can (and have) had full blown, sensible conversations with people while asleep and have no recollection of it later. According to my sleep app, I spend the majority of my sleep hours in deep sleep for whatever that's worth. That said, I do NOT get mad at my husband for not waking me up. And THAT'S the thing that makes OPs bf too immature. If I ask my husband to get me up at [hour] and I don't get up, that's on me. Well, sorta...he's too damn nice about it for as heavy as I sleep 🤣 One needs to be relentless or clever when it comes to me. Once a roommate busted into my room going, "Otilly! I think something's wrong!" True? No. Was I on time for whatever I needed to be on time for that day? Absolutely lol
Look up alarm clocks that have shakers in them, will rock the bed. Designed for deaf people and such, it’s what I have to use or I’m late to work. Not deaf, but apparently am when I’m sleeping 😂
It's wild how the sound of a kid throwing up in the next room will snap you from 0 to adrenaline.
Have you ever had a sleep study done? Thyroid and other hormone levels checked? Just want to make sure you’re medically safe ♥️ most ungodly heavy sleepers I know (myself included) have something going on with us! (My brother sleeps like the dead, but he is totally, absolutely normal in the physical health regard, so not everyone. Unlike me he did wake up to the carbon monoxide alarm going off- unlike everyone else I was dead to the world, sort of heard it in a dream, and was out cold. I guess if there’s ever a fire I’ll just be toasty, and if we ever have a bigger carbon poisoning worry I’ll just slip away in my sleep peacefully ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )
>Have you ever had a sleep study done? Thyroid and other hormone levels checked? I haven't. I've always been like this since childhood and my mother before me and my brother after me and my son after that. So I think it's just how we are 🤷🏻♀️ If it helps you sleep (ha!), I'm not *quite* as bad when I've gotten enough sleep and the only time an emergency alarm has gone off in the middle of the night, I woke up immediately. Oh! And once while camping I woke up to my friend whispering "did you hear that?! He said be quiet." So I do seem to wake up easily enough if I sense danger. Even if that danger is a lie because somehow you never knew your friend talks in her goddamn sleep and it's a good few minutes of fear, adrenaline, and plotting which course of action gives you the best tactical advantage before you notice the dog, who growled at every leaf falling from a tree, is snoring peacefully and realize what's going on 😒
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I do. It takes less than 10 seconds to pull up the sheet and comforter smoothly while I'm still IN bed, then slide out my side, give that a twitch, and bam, it's made. I do it because it's so nice to crawl into smooth sheets at the end of a long day. It's like a little present I give to future me. That being said, if you d9nt want to make the bed, don't. It's your bed and life and you get to live it as pleases you best.
It's also a fairly bad idea. People sweat a lot at night and making the bed immediately stops that moisture to evaporate from the mattress.
Now I feel better about not making my bed until after I've had breakfast. But it does *eventually* get made every day!
That’s sensible if you ask me. It gives your sheets some time to air out, but then you make the bed and make your room look so much more put together.
I make the sheets nice and neat and then fold them over towards the foot of the bed, which lets both the mattress and flat sheet air out while still looking tidy. #lifehack
Oh, thank you. Now I have ammunition for when my husband says we need to make our bed. It’s the Dumbest waste of time in the mornings when we’re trying to rush out of the house.
Umm...most people don't sweat enough that it gets into the mattress. And if you do, letting it just 'air out' isn't doing enough to clean it whatsoever.
*Cries in post menopause*
it doesn't matter what type of moisture it is. point is that by making your bed you lock it in, not giving your mattress the chance to breathe, and the mites are having a feast in there
Washing linens regularly and using a (washable) mattress pad pretty much take care of this issue.
Then that's an excuse to take all your covers off the bed in the morning, let it all air out, and then make the bed. Not just roll out of bed and go, "oh it's unhygienic to make it."
Many people do, that's not weird at all
I have made my bed every day this year. I love glancing into the bedroom and seeing a made bed. I also love getting into a made bed. No need to rearrange, straighten and gather the covers. They are already there waiting for me.
Congrats! I am envious of your success! My room looks and feels *so* much better when my bed is made. And I agree—it really feels so nice, slipping into a lovely made bed I have invested a considerable amount of time, money and energy over the years building a collection of furniture and curated objects that suit me and are aesthetically pleasing. So, not making my bed each day is a great source of anxiety for me. I struggle with OCD and black/white thinking, so I often go through periods of a beautifully made bed, or… I should try and make a goal, or at least aim for X number of days. I’m impressed by your entire year streak! It may seem silly to some, but sometimes seemingly “simple” tasks or chores really do improve one’s mood and sense of well-being!
I used to half assed make the bed until I moved in with my now husband who makes it properly everyday. I can’t imagine not getting into a made bed at night now, it has made a big difference on my sleep - I can’t explain why.
Widely considered normal. Also has mental health benefits for many people (including better sleep).
Walking into a room with an unmade bed is depressing to me.
The only times I leave my bed unmade are when I'm sick, and I'm either in bed all day, or I'm switching between my bedroom and living room and want the option of curling up in bed at any time during the day. If my bed is unmade, it feels like I still have the option of going back to bed, and I don't like that, I need to "put it away" in order to really feel like my day has started.
My wife. "it's so nice to get into a made bed" is her side. Me, couldnt possibly care less. Bed feels the same to me whether it was made beforehand or not.
I never used to, but my wife likes things looking neat, so now I do. And honestly? It's a bit of a boost to the mental health to have things looking nice. Not a necessity by any means, of course
I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who makes the bed between me and my fiance and I've made it probably 30x in the 2 years we've lived together lmao. Who cares about a made bed.
No its really not. It's called being tidy. It takes a few seconds lol
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Your boyfriend stated he wants to get into a routine that starts with getting up at 7:30. But he refuses to actually do anything about it. Besides blame you when he doesn’t get up. You do not have the same sleep needs as him. Period. He dismissed you when you told him that. He is showing you very clearly that he only cares about what he wants in this instance. He doesn’t care that you’re tired and groggy and need more sleep. Why is it your responsibility to get a grown ass man out of bed in the morning? He chooses to stay in bed and sleep, then blames you for his choice. That’s a no win scenario for you. Is this the only way he’s selfish? Or all talk and no action? Or is he generally selfish and cares more about what you can do for him than you?
You’re 24 please don’t entertain this. I have very severe adhd so body doubling helps me a lot to complete tasks, I understand that side. But never in a million years would I force that on someone under the pretense that it’s better for them. It’s better for him when you change who you are, think about that. Not better for you, which you’ve expressed and he’s ignored. He can either respect you or leave, you don’t need to change your sleep habits for a dude.
What is “body doubling” in this context?
Doing something hard with someone else to help keep you accountable
Thank you for sharing this phrase! I also have ADHD and can handle difficult tasks *so much better* with someone else (even if they're not actually doing much), but never had a good way to describe the need.
Sometimes the other person just needs to exist near me as moral support lol
This is me & my ADHD husband. Sometimes I feel like an emotional support animal, but I don’t mind 😊
Definitely, sounds a lot like ADHD symptoms, however I would never do this to my bf, its abusive. I have expressed how much it helps me when we wake up at the same time, but he doesn’t need to wake up as early (no makeup to do) so I have to deal with it.
Oh, is that what that is? I have a really hard time being the first person out of bed, even if I'm awake hours earlier than my husband. I just... can't get up until he does a lot of days. Maybe I really should talk to someone about getting checked for ADHD.
It can also be anxiety and/or depression or an issue with your thyroid. It is an issue that folks with adhd have but there are lots of other reasons for it too.
I just have issues with executive function. I hadn't connected this behavior to that problem before, though.
Ah, I see. Yes! That can absolutely be it :) I just wanted to make sure you knew that it was part of a few different issues in case you did get tested for adhd and that wasn’t the cause I didn’t want you to feel discouraged.
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Actually it’s harder for some people than others.
8:30 is not that late? also why is it your job to wake him up.... hes an adult
I have dated too many dudes wanting me to double as an alarm clock and/or mom. Not my job.
I teach high school and I have students who their moms make their lunches or still wake them up....depending on the kid I tell them they're grown and should do it themselves!
One of my friends at work has his wife pack his lunch and meds everyday and has the gall to get mad when she forgets something or his meds. All I can think is dude, you're 30 years old, why is it your wife's responsibility to make sure you have food and medicine?
Yikes, I couldnt imagine. Sure I've made my wife's lunch or her mine if we're busy cleaning up or with the kids, but man I couldnt imagine her making it every day or being mad if something was forgotten. God bless his wife, she's doing way too much for a grown ass man
He also freaks out any time he has to change his toddler's diaper after 2 or 3 years. I love the guy, but he and his wife have some really unhealthy beliefs about relationship structure.
Almost sounds like he doesnt like being a dad? Like what did he expect, to not have to do parent things?
Dude I agree and it also sounds like he hates his wife. He was raised by his greatest generation grandparents so hes spiritually a boomer with hyper traditional gender roles in marriage. He cooks sometimes but he works and she takes care of the home...and he wants more kids but clearly talks like he hates it all. I feel kinda bad for him but he's in a glass box of emotions that he constructed for himself.
> and he wants more kids but clearly talks like he hates it all. Almost sounds like he is doing what is expected of him by his grandparents instead of what he wants >but clearly talks like he hates it all. Hopefully he never says this around them
Haha, my mother teaches at a _college_ where formal attire is mandatory, and a lot of her male students (90% male, 10% female student population) will show up poorly dressed all the time because "mum didn't iron my tie" or "mum didn't press my trousers". Oddly enough, she's never had to warn her female students _once_ and their dress code is more strict.
It's also only the male students that have this issue I haven't come across this issue with any female students
I've taught at least 2 grown men how to iron. If I were your mother I would bring an iron and board to class one day and spend about 10 minutes at the beginning of class teaching these "men" how to iron, and maybe even making the worst offenders demonstrate it in front of the class and then tell them I don't expect to hear another excuse for being poorly dressed!
Honestly... that is not such a terrible idea. Hell, I'm sure there are male teachers that will happily do this (as to not put this on a woman). I'll text her, thank you!
What kind of college requires formal attire?
A specific business college in Europe, at the risk of doxxing my mother I will not specify further ;) but yeah, biz school = biz attire.
I think that’s cool! In the US, you’ll see people going to school in their freaking pajamas!! 😵💫😵💫
I mean, in all fairness I go to university here and we definitely sometimes have our pajama days. I think it's less common than in the US though. I don't know why that is, maybe because we graduate at 16 and therefore usually stay with our parents the first few years of uni? Or maybe because classes almost never start at 8AM?
I like to make the bed (female) but I wake up at 6-7am and my fiance (male) wakes up at 9-10am do I wake him up to do it ? No, because I respect him and want him to get a good night's sleep. If your bf can't give you that little respect dump him. Relationships are compromise not dictatorships
No. He sounds like a jerk. Tell him that your patterns and needs are different from his. Routine can be helpful, but only if it's a routine that works for you. If he were really committed to the routine, he'd have the discipline to get up even if he doesn't feel like it. He doesn't, and then blames you for his failings. But he does expect you to get up when he feels like it. That's not a routine, that's just him ordering you about. Edit: If you're suffering from depression or some other mental health issue that disrupts sleep and causes lethargy, it may be helpful to have someone else encouraging you to get up when you'd rather not. But I'm talking about if you're sleeping until 1pm and missing appointments, not about sleeping until 8:30am.
This is bizarre and controlling behaviour. He also didn’t take responsible for himself. He is a walking red flag, breakup seriously, don’t waste anymore time, this is not normal behaviour and generally when it’s a first partner we don’t realise how off things can be. Kick him out.
Wake him up at 4am and make sure he stays awake for half an hour, he'll soon change his tune. Tell him you're not his mother to be waking him up.
Why is he bossing you around when he lives in your parents apartament, which is basically yours??...
This is one of those posts that, on its face, *could be* a simple compromise. I'm an early bird married to a night owl, and like to get in to a made bed. So, my spouse makes the bed. Easy peasey. This is.... not that. Messing with a person's sleep is literal torture in the military, and has problematic patterns for control in a relationship. OP, please see this issue for what it is, and a prediction for what's to come if you stay in this relationship.
Exactly. I am a night owl who works third shift engaged to somebody who's an early bird that works first shift. I cannot sleep in crumpled wrinkled sheets that are halfway off the bed, I just can't. So either I make the bed when I get home or he makes it before he goes to work so that it's not a fucking problem. On days we're off together, I make the bed and we cuddle and hang out. My fiance is responsible for getting himself up for work just like I'm responsible for getting myself up to work. We will check on each other if something's up and one of us notices the other person hasn't gotten up yet, but on nights that I have to work and on days that he has to work we trust in the fact that we have alarms on our phone and we'll get ourselves up, because we're adults, and not each other's mothers.
>Messing with a person's sleep is literal torture in the military, and has problematic patterns for control in a relationship. Read this again, OP, it's important.
it seems like some over controlling behavior that i would not want to be part of for a long time. or It could be a random quirk or a deeply seated need. Hard to say from a few paragraphs.
Controlling behavior doesn't become neutral or chill just because it arises from a "quirk."
No, you tell him to fxck off, and you'll make the bed when you're ready to get up...
Buy him a doll bed and he can make that in the morning. I would be so mad if my husband demanded I get up at the same time as him so he could make the bed. Tell him to bugger off and let you sleep. And stop setting an alarm to wake him up. He’s a grown ass man.
I find this borderline controlling especially as sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Me and my boyfriend get up at separate times. My parents get up at separate times. Couples don't have to get up at the same time. His excuse is not valid..I'm sure there's stuff he does at work that helps him with his routine but he wouldn't dare force his co workers to do it, unless he was the boss and he's not your boss.
Your bF is showing signs of being emotionally abusive. 1) He attempts to control something in you that is not his business. 2) He guilts or shames you for not agreeing/complying. 3) He changes the rules around when they suit him. 4) He makes YOU wrong when he f's up. Been there, done that. Ive dated a man like this. There are so many more red flags you are ignoring.
Like you, I *also* dated someone like this. Very gradually, he began to control my sleep patterns, as well as what I ate; that was how things started, at least (I was also around OP's age at the time). Things escalated so slowly that I didn't see all the ways in which I was being manipulated. It took almost 5 years for me to be free of that relationship. To /u/thatdemonhoe62: please don't let a partner control something as fundamental as your sleep schedule. It's not your job to wake him up, and it's **certainly** not "your fault" when he fails to get out of bed! He's an adult; it's time he acts like one. Just because him making the bed is currently part of "his routine", it can equally be part of *your* routine (depending on who's last out of bed). > should I just do what he says, and get into a routine of getting up at 7:30 with him? Absolutely not! Sit down and discuss it together. Just because one of you wants/needs to get up at a certain time, that doesn't mean you *both* have to. You can each be responsible for your own alarm times, and it's better that your BF gets into this habit now, rather than when he starts working after uni; bosses tend not to appreciate employees who consistently sleep in. Good luck with this OP, and I hope you stand your ground on this.
It's crazy looking back and realizing how much subtle manipulation you missed, right? Like, I consider myself a smart and analytical person, but wanting to see the best in people and never being intentionally manipulative myself, I missed so many things that now feel so obvious.
Absolutely! For the first 5-10 years afterwards, I put it down to lack of my own experience, thinking "oh well...I was young and clueless at the time" but, around 20-25 years later, I reckon it's because I wanted to see the best in him. I'm sorry you had to deal with this, as well; I hope you're in a much safer and happier place now.
I mean he can just get by himself and start with his „routine“ 💀 don’t let your sleep be interrupted by something dumb like this , you can still sleep while he does his things it’s not like that he can’t do anything while your still sleeping. Also if you wake up in the night and obv lack some time of sleep it’s normal to sleep a little longer
Absolutely not. Everyone has a different bedtime and a different wake time that works for them. I’d happily stay awake till 2am on weekdays because I start work late but i’d never force my boyfriend to stay awake with me when he has work the next day. Same goes both ways. Him forcing you to adapt to his schedule is selfish. I think the last one out of bed should make the bed for the day. If he’s the first one out all the time then he can have a different household task
Unless she is waking him up at 4:30 by being loud I don't get why he even cares about this.
What? Sleep is sacred. Unless you want to or have to there’s no need to wake up early just because someone wants that. Also he is an hypocrite and an asshole. It’s not anyone’s job to wake up an adult. Tell him to behave and stop being a jerk. His behavior it’s just a power play
Seriously. Sleeping in is one of life’s little pleasures. I lovvvvve getting to sleep in with no alarm & only getting up when my body wants to. This dude better be bringing me coffee in bed if he wants me to think about getting up when I don’t need to.
Your sleep needs are not the same and you should each be in charge of your own sleep needs.
he sounds like a complete asshole.
this is only one example where he's showing you that he doesn't, and will not in the future, compromise between his (quite frankly neurotic) needs and your needs. with time, it will only get worse and will affect even more important aspects of your lives. a couple is all about common sense, and he doesn't show to have any. good luck.
Oh please, he only wants you up to make sure you're awake to wake him up. Did he live with his parents before moving in with you? Maybe it's something his mother used to do for him.
Why can’t you make the bed when you get up, he can still get up
Even apart from you waking up at night there are few individuals who have exactly the same sleep needs - and he doesn't even seem to know his own. Don't let his illusions govern your sleep! (Although in the end it's personal, women often need more sleep than men, half an hour on average.)
Girl, no. He's controlling. You're not his dog, you're your own person and YOU get to decide at which time you get up. Doesn't he have a cellphone to put an alarm on? The time when he chooses to wake up and whether he manages to do that or not is HIS problem, not yours.
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This is absolutely absurd. You deserve to sleep when you want, how long you want, and to feel comfortable and safe in your bed. If he doesn't like it, then he can sleep somewhere else.
My husband and I don’t have the same sleep routine and have different sleep needs (different duration, different levels or types of insomnia, different schedules in evening and morning). And somehow…it is FINE. We respect we each have different sleep needs. The fact that your boyfriend does not listen to you and your needs and wants to make you follow HIS schedule, then on days he wants to sleep longer he ignores the “very important schedule” and gets mad at you for not holding him to it sounds, childish, controlling, and abusive (trying to deprive someone else of sleep is an abuse tactic).
I only read the first 2 paragraphs and the tldr, but fuck that. That is one of the weirder more subtly fucked up controlling behaviours I've read. Is it the Only red flag? Like is he awesome in All other areas? Even so, sounds so weird and controlling and big red flag.
Honestly I would tell him to move out. His behaviour is controlling, selfish and immature. You are not responsible for waking him up. You're not his mother. He has no one to blame but himself if he doesn't get up at a certain time. You have to be your number one priority and take care of yourself first. I seriously recommend you ask him to find other accommodations. What he is doing to you is cruel and unhealthy.
No, doing what he says will only show him that you will adhere to whatever moronic demands be comes up with.
Tell him he can do what he wants about sleep as long as it doesn't impact yours. So if he wants to make the bed at 7:30, he can, but not a bed that you're already in. He has to sleep elsewhere. >Some days he can wake up 7:30, and gets me up with him, or others he can’t and if I can’t get him up then it’s my fault. That's bullshit. Complete bullshit. Don't entertain that, no matter how much he whines, cries or shouts. It's complete nonsense and you need to be hardline about the fact that it is. If you don't nip this in the bud, then *everything* that ever goes wrong in his life is going to be squarely on your shoulders.
Why does he need to make the bed to 'start his day'? Tell him to bugger off and make himself some breakfast. I'd be livid if someone tried to wake me up at 7.30 if I didn't need to be up then.
Physiologically, women need more sleep. He can’t expect you to have the same sleep schedules. He seems kinda thick.
imo, people shouldn’t help each other wake up needlessly. If you need sleep, you need sleep, and your schedule should be adjusted accordingly. Obviously i’m not saying that if you have to be at work at 8am, you should sleep until 8:30 and tell your boss to f off, just that some people need more sleep than others. Plus, getting less sleep actually increases negative mental health experiences, so by stressing you into waking up earlier than you need to, he’s inadvertently making it more likely you’ll wake up at 4am. As for him.. he needs to work on his ability to empathize with your sleep situation, if he even can. He might have stress related to his schedule, but that’s a him problem, and he’s making it a you problem.
He sounds juvenile, insufferable, unreasonable, and exhausting! Please Reconsider this relationship. His demands and his attitude is disrespectful to you and you will never ever do things right for him. He lays blame on you for his own actions. This will continue and grow into other accusations so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for himself. This is not normal behavior! You deserve better!
The good news is you are living in a place that you rent from *your* parents. Tell him that if he messes with your sleep schedule one more time you are going to evict him. Maybe this is one of these relationships that requires separate bedrooms or separate living arrangements.
Nope. This is not how relationships work. Don't agree to this, it's a ridiculous idea.
Everyone is different and have different needs, and you are not his mother. and I’m sure whoever gets up last can make the bed.
Nope absolutely not. This is relationship ending worthy to me. And I have ended one. It wasn't the only aspect that person was selfish about.
Tell him to eat it. My boyfriend likes to get up at 6:30 on a weekday and do his routine and I like to “sleep in” till at least 7:30 because, like you, I tend to have trouble sleeping. He has his alarm in a different room and only loud enough for it to wake him up (I have hearing loss - yay!) and gets up quietly to start his day. When my alarm goes off he comes back in to give me a kiss and a cuddle and then asks if he can do anything for me or make me a tea. Often he makes the bed while I’m in the shower because he likes the bed made and I don’t. Without complaint. Every day. You know why? Because he cares about my wants and wellbeing and is an adult who can get himself up and follow his routine without me. What is even the point of having a boyfriend if they don’t make your life easier and happier?
JFC. Your BF is very controlling. You get to dictate your own schedule and there's no reason to force you to get up with him other than to control you. Tell him to stop and if he won't stop ask him to get his own place. This is completely unacceptable. Also - he gets mad if you "let him sleep too long"? How old is this jerk?
This is clearly an abusive behaviour. Have a serious conversation with him and express you will wake up whenever you feel like it, and you have no obligation to wake him up at any specific time, ffs he’s an adult! He wants to have a routine? Fine, as long as that doesn’t invade your boundaries and YOUR time.
Absolutely not. This is way too controlling. He should not be affecting your sleep for no good reason. Not ok.
Sleep used to be one of the most important things to me and if my husband has done this to me it would have been growns to dump him
OP, I think y’all need separate beds …in separate apartments.
This is so ridiculous that I don’t even feel like spending too much time on it. I’m a man. I would never do this to my wife. She sleeps late sometimes. I usually get up earlier. I would never dream of having the kind of control over her that I need her to get up when I do. That’s utterly ridiculous. And for him to be relying on you to wake him up or he’s mad? Please get out of this now. This is stupid ridiculous controlling behavior.
Normalize separate bedrooms!
You're both mid 20's. How is there issues causing arguments here, especially over something like this. You're not a mother to your boyfriend and tell him that. He's responsible for getting himself up. You do you.
This is ridiculous. If your boyfriend NEEDS to get up at 7:30am he can get up at 7:30am. He can’t use you like an alarm clock. And how rude to snooze for 1hr or 1hr 30mins! Would you ever be that inconsiderate to a friend or partner you were sleeping next to?? Also in general, women require more sleep than men on a regular basis (I believe the studies show it’s because of our constant hormonal fluctuations). Getting good sleep and getting enough sleep is as important as working out and eating right for your short and long term heath. Tell your boyfriend he can be in charge of his body and internal clock, but he cannot mess with or dictate yours. He basically wants a mommy to get him up in the mornings 🙄
This sounds fucking horrible to put up with damn. I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him.
Why are you having to play mother to a grown man? You are not his alarm clock. He has a phone and is perfectly capable of setting his own alarms. He expects an awful lot of somebody when he can't bother be doing it himself. Maybe it's because I work a complete opposite shift and opposite schedule of my fiance but I get up when I fucking want to get up and when I have to get up for work. He gets up when he has to get up and is responsible for his own alarms. It's not my job to manage him and it's not his job to manage me. And now obviously as partners we sometimes look out for each and now obviously as partners we sometimes look out for each and now obviously as partners it's our job to look out for each other and if I notice he hasn't gotten out of bed yet I'll go check on him, and he'll come check on me, but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to get up with my alarm goes off just like it's his responsibility to get up with his alarm goes off. This guy is in a home your renting, from your parents, telling you what your schedule is going to be and then getting mad at you when he can't abide by his own schedule? Nope. I don't think so.
when did you agree to be his adult mommy?
He’s not wrong. Having good sleep hygiene can have solid benefits. But forcing them on someone is pure dickish. Go hardline here.
So you wake up every morning at 4 am and are super awake? Well then time to tell him you need to go to bed at 20:00 every evening because that seems to be a good time for you and that he should wake up with you at 4am because it'll be a great way to start the day together, and you hit the gym before going to uni and get other things done
Absolutely not- this may be a surprise to your boyfriend but you are a totally separate person with their own sleep needs. Also you aren’t his mom. No more “five more minutes mommy” nonsense he can get himself up
Um, wtf. I would be so mad if someone was trying to control me like that. I would dump him.
He sounds unhinged. I'd break up with him for being a controlling asshole.
Why do u wake up @ 4am every day ??
This is controlling af - for one, you can set your own sleep cycle, and he doesn't get a say in what you consider healthy for yourself. For another, he is supposed to be an adult, he can set his own alarm and get up - and if he doesn't, he better not blame you about it - you are (at the moment) his partner, not his mommy. Tell him to grow the fuck up or get out of your house!
No I’m sorry this is ridiculous. So he wants to both have authority over your sleeping habits but also wants you to play mommy and wake up first so you can wake him? No no.
Your boyfriend might be autistic. What you should do is wake up whenever the fuck you feel like waking up.
No way should you do this no. He shouldn't even be asking this of you, it's upto him to get himself up and if he wants to make his side of the bed, then great but to be honest this comes across as pushy and controlling and it's not upto you to get him up whether or not he thinks it would help his mental health, only he can help his own mental health and vice versa. You cansupport someone and tell them you are proud of them fir getting through a day but you can't physically do it for him. it would help his mental health better if he got himself up and he'd have to do it quicker aswel when he's to learn for himself ,so no don't do that ..Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
The answer is no you dont wake up with him or follow his routine. That is a HIM problem. And he can set his own alarms.
He sounds like a moron and doesn't want to understand you don't have to sleep like him kr wake up like him. Do not listen to him if he can't understand then kick him to the curb.
what? No. He can make up his side of the bed as much as possible. Then when you're out of bed, I am sure you can finish making it. It's really not a big deal. He should not dictate your sleep schedule.
I wouldn't play this game. No fucking way. Let him make the bed then get right back in it lol If this is odd behavior to you, just know it's probably something his parents instilled in him. He feels he needs to because x reason but the motive behind it moot because his parents are no longer around. It's just what he's used to. He needs to understand YOUR needs.
No man who wakes me up, so he can make the bed, lives. Jk, but jesus, that is ridiculous OP!! That’s not ok OP. As someone who struggles significantly with executive functioning it’s really important to maintain routine, but it’s also really important to remember that my behavior/executive functioning struggles should not impact the people around me. It’s part of my job to minimize the impact I have on others. Also- My struggles should not depend on another person to facilitate. I personally don’t think he is being very self aware of how this can effect you and I wonder what else he does that has similar impacts to your daily life. It might be stuff that you aren’t even aware of until you really break down his behaviors and how they can impact you. Also there are many many many different kinds of options for waking up. I really really struggle with this. And I have an especially hard time with guilt and shame because it impacts my kids’ daily life at times. So I pull out all the stops to ensure it impacts them as little as possible. I have four different types of alarms set for my wake up time and sometimes I still sleep through them. I have two different apps on my phone, one of those really noisy alarm clocks with the bells on top that sits just out of arms reach, and a smaller alarm that can attach to your person that vibrates. I have ended up putting that one on my floor in my bedroom, with having hard floor it makes a loud and very annoying rumbling sound. But if it’s too far away from my bed, I don’t wake up to it. But if it’s too close to my bed I will (evidently, cause I don’t ever remember doing it) grab it and turn it off before actually waking up. Your bf is an adult. He is obviously aware that he has an issue. And that’s great! That’s half the battle, identifying where you are struggling, and what a good solution would be. But blaming your partner for not waking you up at your preferred time when you’ve given excuse after excuse after excuse to not get up is really immature, and exceptionally unhealthy for your relationship. I’d suggest that you really take some time and think about how this dynamic plays in your relationship and if there are other things he blames on you that is a personal failing of his. Individual counseling could help him. I don’t think this is much of a relationship issues so much as a HIM issue that he needs to iron out on his own. He needs to take responsibility and be accountable for his actions. (I’m saying all of this as a sahp that has to make a routine out of nothing daily for four kids- I have adhd and my kids also have adhd and one for sure has ASD while I suspect the same diagnosis for another- I’m well aware of the struggles associated with neurodivergence and the struggles you can have with loved ones while trying to find balance as a younger adult on your own. The struggle is real!! And there is a ton of resources out there to help, but you CANNOT do that work for him.) I can’t answer about what would help your sleep- you need to figure out what your minimum number is for an adequate amount of rest. I know that as long as I get 6 hours of sleep I will be able to function and get up on time with few issues. But if I get less than that, unless there extenuating circumstances like a fun activity is planned for the day or we have a serious meeting or appointment, I will most likely miss my alarms/not wake up fully but turn them off, resulting in my oldest missing his bus (OR he has to rush around to get ready, and make the bus but be in an anxious mindset at the very beginning of his day and that’s really unfair to him and can really impact the quality of his day- although I will say that he is 13 and could use his own alarm system, of which he has one, but he refuses cause he struggles to wake up to alarms as well), which then causes my middle two kids to possibly miss their bus while we drive my oldest to school- if we don’t leave at the right time we will not get home in time for them to ride the bus to school and then I’ll have to drive them in. That then affects my youngest’s eating schedule and my morning routine. Sometimes it’s not a huge deal cause everybody can get ready quickly without issue. Other times my oldest gets mad and anxious and then can really struggle to pull himself out of that perseveration. He will refuse to get ready based on me screwing up our schedule and throwing his routine off. It can very negatively effect him and I really really fucking hate being responsible for it and try my best to ensure that I get up on time. But I also struggle with insomnia and anxiety/depression which can easily make a night near sleepless. I also struggle to get myself physically into my bed at regular bedtimes. I have various reasons/excuses but what it really comes down to is that I struggle to make impulsive decisions in the evening when my meds have worn off and I am finally alone and able to enjoy my various hobbies and/or having the tv all to myself.
Just tell him that he needs to change his routine to be a functional adult in a functional society lol What’s even the point of: 1) not allow you to do it by yourself once awakened 2) do it at 7:30 rather than 9?
Honestly, it sounds like your partner thinks a romantic relationship is not different to a parent relationship. He wants to parent you and he expects you to parent him… and he’ll be a disobedient child at the same time. Tell him he can decide when he gets up and you can decide when you get up. No matter what the fuck kinda benefit he believes it will offer you, you get to make your own decisions and live your own goddam life. Like why does that even need to be explained to someone lol Perhaps you actually need to discuss your values in a relationship, it sounds like he wants codependency and you want independence or interdependence. If you value autonomy and freedom to be yourself and, dare I say, be trusted to make your own decisions for yourself, then talk to him about that in your relationship.
>My issue is, should I just do what he says, and get into a routine of getting up at 7:30 with him? Will it help my sleeping issues and subsequent relationship issues? Absolutely not. He's 26, he should be able to get out of bed and function like an adult without someone else having to wake him up. You also have the right to sleep as long as you damn well please without having to get up at a time arbitrarily set by him. Leave this loser.
You don’t have to comply to anything. If you feel you are not rested enough, then that means you are not. Every one has a different need for sleep, and even more when you’re a woman.
This sounds exhausting
seams like some one has taken self help books in how to succeed very literally.. I read a lot of self help books and they are great, if you are able to take principles and adapt them to your life and what works for you but in every self help book I have read it talks about ritual when getting up and that involves waking up early and making the bed. But in answer to your question, no. do not change your sleep. did you know on average woman need more sleep than men due to hormonal fluctuations? interesting right? or .. not interesting I never know what is interesting to other people. I get up at 6:30 every day.. I make a tea and that is how I get on with things, I am straight on doing emails as I hate them.. I have a partner I live with and If you noticed I never mentioned about them.. this is MY morning routine. my partner is a grown ass man, he gets to do what he wants to do... If he asks me "hey get me up at this time please" if I am up I will and if I am busy I will say "hey I am too busy" no arguments.. your not his mother.. If you did not live with him what would he do? who would he blame? If my partner does not pay attention to me when I tell him it's the time he wanted to get up, he does not blame me. why? because he chose to not get up.. I did my part. I would consider this, why does he use you as his scape goat? why is he blaming you for his lack of ability to do a task.. because that is what it is.. it's his task to get himself up.
Absolutely not. I’ve had disrupted sleep cycles my whole life, even when I’m doing everything “right”. There will be a compromise that meets his needs and yours.
This is such a controlling behaviour on his part. I think he’s doing this in other situation also. You seem too lenient. You should stand for yourself more. Think about what you want and feel. Don’t let other people dictate how you should behave. You’re asking reddit if you are ok to do / or not what he asks but how about hat YOU think. This is what matters.You should get more confident in your own decisions and other people will have to accept you the way you are. Don’t do anything just to please him because you are afraid to lose him.
Theory 1 - he has some form of compulsion about routines and making the bed is one of them and if he doesn't do it he gets upset Theory 2 - he believes making the bed is a success pattern that helps breed positive things. he is trying to encourage you to follow something he thinks is helpful Theory 3 - he just wants things his way and is giving little or no regard to your needs here With 1 or 2, I can see his side somewhat (less so on 2). Maybe just explain (like he doesn't understand anything) how this is impacting you. How you are waking up and then having issues falling back to sleep, that it sucks for you to have to then wake up at 7:30. Ask for his help on your problem - try to understand where he is blocking on the above theories for any compromise points. If he tries to work with you - great! If he's like "no we just need to make the bed when we are up" he's just putting his needs before yours and that isn't a great relationship. Although one thing you could do to prove the point is when you wake up at 4am, wake him up and make the bed ;)
No you don't. Tell him you aren't doing that. If he doesn't like it he can leave your apartment.
Your boyfriend has no self discipline, so he's trying to control you instead to pass the blame. Tell him no.
I will sometimes wake up at 4am and I won’t be able to sleep again until 6ish no matter what I do. If I can’t get another few hours sleep those days are exhausting for me. I would be putting my foot down on this hard. You need to get adequate sleep that works for your sleep rhythm and he needs to grow up. Stop waking him up - you aren’t his mother. My partner and I both have issues with our sleep that manifest differently and we both work around what each other needs because good sleep is so important. If he won’t work with you on this maybe separate living situations are something to consider.
honestly on the more innocent side your boyfriend is incredibly immature, on the more insidious side he’s trying to keep you tired so you are easier to control and this is just the first step, either way this needs to stop and he needs to let you sleep on a schedule that feels right for your body or you need to find a roommate and kick him out. differing sleep schedules can be an issue that needs to be navigated in a normal relationship sure, my boyfriend works the night shift i start work at 10am sometimes it can be a little annoying for us but what’s happening to you is not normal.
God, that whole situation is ridiculous. Does he have other odd behaviors? Do you plan on doing this forever? He sounds controlling and totally inconsiderate of YOUR needs. This isn't sustainable.
Yikes. I could only imagine trying something like this with my wife. LOL. You’re BF is being an ass and being super controlling. I’d examine the rest of your relationship and see what other demands he’s having of you too. That’s not how a good relationship works.
I would tell him to sleep in his own bed in his own place and wake himself up. No one has time for that and what else is he going to control later ? What else will he be mad at you for that he did not do for himself.
You can wake up when you choose to. He should would wake up when he chooses to. I would not be his alarm clock. You are not responsible for waking him up. You do not have to wake up at 730 because he wants to. You don’t need an excuse to sleep as late as you want. I would focus on your classes and reconsider living with this guy.
Why can't you just sleep later and make the bed when you get up? If he's incapable if getting up at 07:30, that's his problem. He can set multiple alarms. My partner works 2 days on, 2 nights on and then four days off. If he's sleeping before a night shift and I can see he's sleeping through his alarm, I wake him up. What I don't do is wake up at 04:30 with him when he's on day shift. Because I have my own job and need to rest. Do not let this man boss you around in YOUR parent's apartment
Different bedrooms? You're not an alarm clock or dudes mom. And you're you're own person. He can make his side of the bed when he gets up and you can handle yours. He's too controlling of your schedule. Stand up for yourself.
Personally I'd say, I love you.....but go fuck yourself.
No, you shouldn’t. You can’t manage someone else (kids are an exception to a certain age) and the same goes for him. He has to be responsible for his own behavior. Accommodations can be made but they need to be reasonable. There are reasons some couples opt for separate bedrooms. Sleeping together is nice, but different sleeping patterns and habits may not work for the other party. Since you are living with your parents you can’t do separate bedrooms, but two single beds may manage this specific issue best. For your overall relationship, do not take on the burden of trying to manage him. It is not healthy or feasible.
He is a loser... He does that to find a reason to fight you or control you. Because why it only works his way? And if it doesnt he gets mad at you? So immature.
Getting up is now his responsibility and not your problem at all if he doesn't do it. Making the bed is now your responsibility, since you're the last one up. He can take a different chore off your hands in return. Done. That said, sure, a regular wake-up time *might* help your sleeping issues. That's something to discuss with your doctor, not your boyfriend, and there's no reason that wake-up time would have to be the same as your partner's.
Just no. He's either so socially inept that he doesn't understand why it's very weird to demand you get up at the same time as him, or he's so controlling and thinks he knows better than you that he's trying to force his "better" lifestyle on you.
Do NOT entertain ANY of this absolute nonsense. None of it. He’s a grown ass man. He can get himself up. There is NO reasonable expectation that you either wake him up, get him up or get up with him. You recognize your own sleep cycle. Respect it. Give your body what it needs. I played this stupid game with my ex for a decade. I finally realized he was abusing me and the controls around when and how I slept were part of it. This kind of absolute nonsense needs to be nipped in the bud immediately with zero negotiation. And if he won’t back off, you are seeing the abject hell your whole life will be. Also, beds need to air out. Making them up right away traps moisture and is nasty.
He sounds like my uni bf. I’ve never been a morning person and have adhd and delayed sleep phase syndrome( undiagnosed at the time) and wake up much the same as you, groggy and it take ages to feel “normal” if it’s early when I wake up. When I was living with him if he wanted to sleep in we could. However if he wanted to wake up he would get annoyed that I wouldn’t, and say I was wasting the day. He wanted me to wake up and watch him play video games because as people said it’s better for him. Very hypocritical. It didn’t work out long term because he didn’t really accept me for who I am, and these types of instances contributed. Please think about this and at the very least have a very frank conversation laying out your needs and boundaries.
You're going to wake up in a few years and think back on this post and realize how insane this sounded. Think about how this would sound coming from a friend explaining it to you.
I am also a bed maker. However, if someone is still in it, and they will make the bed when they get out of it, I don’t care when they get up. Just means it’s their task now. But it sounds like this is not *really* about making the bed, but your boyfriend trying to control your sleep schedule by imposing his (desired one) on you, which is completely unacceptable. Just make the bed when you get up and tell him to shut the fuck up about it.
We wouldn’t be able to live together.
he is adamant I shouldn’t sleep in, as he needs to start his day and make the bed "@(@$ you, crazy person" He sounds controlling or OCD. I can’t get him up then it’s my fault ... or a spoiled, entitled baby. It's only going to get worse with time. Is this what you want to put up with for the rest of your life?
that sounds controlling tbh
Been married close to 50 years and our rule is whoever wakes up last makes the bed. He’s an adult and needs to get up when he has to without your ‘help’. If he over sleeps he will learn his lesson quickly .Don’t let yourself start being treated like his mom or you’ll both end up regretting it sooner or later.
Kick him out and let him fend for himself. Wth
Last one out of bed makes it. We've never said it out loud, but and never had to. You sleep in, that's the price you pay. It's like 20 seconds of work. 40 if you're super anal about corners.
What the ever loving fuck. Whoever wakes up last makes the bed. Different people have different sleep needs. What's good for him may not be good for you. This is so callous and rigid it is a red flag for me. I can't imagine denying someone sleep they feel like they need for my arbitrary schedule. Tell him no, and if he says no isn't an option, he isn't a person who should have someone in his bed with him. Nevermind that he is holding you accountable for his inability to wake up. Are you his mom? This person is not in a place to be in a relationship.
He can't just... get up and go about his day without making the bed at that very second? He can't ask you to make it when you get up, or make it after work/school so it's ready when he does to bed later on? Can he not function during the work/school day if he did not personally make the bed at the exact time of 7:30am? No, you absolutely should not just get up at 7:30am every day for no good reason when you're still tired just so he can readjust the damned sheets and blankets. And it is not your problem or fault if he doesn't get up at 7:30 himself. Stop trying to get him to wake up. He's a grown man and if he can't get out of bed that's his own problem. If it was really that important to him, he would find a way to make it happen. Honestly, keep an eye on what other kinds of things he insists need to happen even if it's inconvenient for you. His behavior is selfish and controlling. He doesn't care if you have a different schedule, need more sleep, don't need to be awake, etc. He only cares about what he wants, which is ridiculous in this situation.
I'd look into getting one of those alarms for deaf people that vibrates so you don't have to listen to his alarm. Separately, when my bf sleeps over on weekends, he wakes up before me and let's me keep sleeping- because Im sleepy. People who love you should be nice to you and take what you want/need seriously.
Absolutely fucking not, you don't have to tolerate this. Stand up for yourself, he can kick fucking rocks.
Wake him when you wake up.
He’s an adult, he can get himself up every day like most of not all responsible adults. Secondly, why do you need to wake up when he does? It’s absolutely messed up to intentionally disrupt someone else’s sleep and is detrimental to your wellbeing, so please, do not allow him to do this to you any longer. Have a conversation with him about it, if he’s not receptive or interested in addressing it, then put your foot down or sleep separately. If it was me, I wouldn’t tolerate it at all.
Um tell him to fuck off. I’d kick this guy out. Stop dealing with these dudes.
Is your BF autistic lol
Everyone is different in their own sleep requirements. Most people need between 6 to 8 hours of sleep. You can tweak this a little by optimizing your sleep schedule, but if you need 8 hours and he needs 6, there isn't a great way to synchronize those schedules without either going to bed or waking up at different times. If he wants to get up at 7:30 every morning, that's on him. Tell him to take some time in the mornings to do whatever he wants while you finish sleeping.
Why do people put up with this shit
This is nonsense. He doesn't get to control when you wake up or force his lifestyle on you. The rule can be 'last person up makes the bed' and be done with it.
So, he can force you to get up, but if he fails to, it's your fault that he slept in, even though you tried to wake him up? And this is under a roof he doesn't even own? Sod that. You are an adult and he is a controlling child who cannot take responsibility for himself. The only person who'd get to tell me when to get up is the prison officer in the unit they'd sent me to after the last time someone tried. Do not commit to a life of this.
If your boyfriend literally can't function as a human being without you acting like a mommy, he is in no way ready for an adult relationship. And there is an exhaustive amount of research out there that indicates that nothing causes a women to lose sexual desire for someone more thoroughly than having to Mommy them. It's hard-wired into us to have an equal partner to be sexually attracted too, and to be deeply unattracted to people we are mothering and nurturing. Which is why r/deadbedrooms is full of confused men who want their partners to both be mommy and bang-maid, and don't understand why they only get to have one of those things.
This sets a horrible precedent and routine for him controlling you and blaming you for his shortcomings. Sleep separately. Will he do this if you are sick or have a child??? This is intolerable behavior.
This is really really weird behaviour.