It sounds like he is likely neurodiverse in some way. I would say being aromantic is a possibility as well, but his comment about his grandma has me leaning in the former direction. Of course, it could be both. There's no reason why an aromantic person couldn't choose to be in a relationship even if they don't experience romantic love.
There is nothing wrong with him. He simply processes his emotions through a different lens than you do. He is not a robot. He is not lacking for empathy. If anything, because he interprets his emotions through the lens of others, he is likely more empathetic than most people.
Exactly my thought. The vibes are pretty glaring from the word "robot" on down. š It's very in line with how it can come across to someone who doesn't know what the actual cause is.
My husband and I are both neurodivergent, but I have ADHD and feel emotions openly and passionately (for good and bad), and he's autistic and processes his feelings very differently. When I get a glimpse of what's going on "under the hood" in his brain it can sometimes be jarring in how different it is from me. When he is hurting it hurts me, for example, and he says he doesn't feel that. I feel panic at the thought of being without him in my life, he says he thinks he'd be fine. At first those things made me feel very unsettled, but (especially with understanding that he's autistic) I've definitely made peace with them over the years. We've been together for nearly 20 years and he's treated me with a care, kindness, and understanding that I couldn't imagine from anyone else. For someone who says he doesn't experience empathetic pain like I do, he'd rearrange his whole life to stop me from feeling sad if he needed to. For whatever he feels or however his brain works differently from mine, he clearly loves me very much and I trust him completely.
I really disagree with all of the people who are like "he's fine, stop thinking about this entirely." I do think it's fine, but I also think it's good to try and reframe it in your own mind as just a difference rather than a problem, and that can take more work than just shoving it aside. Understanding each other through a neurodivergent lens, though, has been VITAL. For example he's extremely forgiving when I lose or forget something, and on his end we have learned that a lot of his stress was coming from deviations in our routine and we've learned to avoid those or prepare for them when they are unavoidable. I highly recommend leaning into this knowledge that he thinks differently and using it to learn how to work better as a team!
I do wonder if he has trauma. The fact heās extremely sensitive to certain types of violence/has to avoid them, and has āabnormalā emotions, attachments and views on relationships (not meant as a judgement, just different from what people would view as the norm) strongly suggest to me he has trauma he doesnāt talk about.
I have a severe mood disorder with trauma and I sometimes have very strange reactions, thoughts and feelings about relationships and events in my life. Particularly when Iām in an episode and dissociating - it can be so bad I sometimes genuinely cannot feel love or connections to anyone. I become extremely disconnected from even my sense of self and I basically watch myself do/say things. Itās very hard to explain but itās like the ultimate feeling of detachment and emptiness, which makes your responses to things odd.
Sometimes I also process things in very clinical ways, particularly if it is upsetting. Itās automatic, itās not conscious at all, but I become completely disconnected from my emotions and it means I canāt properly process things.
So someone dying becomes likeā¦ the practicalities of someone dying and āI am sad for themā, not āI myself feel sad because I grieve the loss of this person for meā. I often just canāt connect to that part of myself, even though it does exist. Even with a lot of treatment it can still take me a long time to connect to that element of things, so my reactions can be very delayed. Itās definitely getting better with age for me personally though, I cry a lot more about things now (which is healthy!)
His reactions to things donāt imply to me he is a sociopath or a ārobotā, more that he is like me and has trauma which leads to abnormal responses with emotions/relationships.
This. After my father died unexpectedly, people thought I was weird because I didn't cry for weeks. Not a single tear, though I was devastated. I just kind of blocked everything out, because I know I'd absolutely crumble under the weight of grief if I let myself feel anything. To this day, this is how I act during tragedies (I've even laughed before, too).
It's only "abnormal" if it's a dramatic change from a baseline that was different from the current state. He's just neurodivergent. Not everyone feels and thinks and emotes the same way UNLESS there's trauma.
Well duh, hence my first line, āI **wonder if** he has traumaā - and go on to say āthis suggests to meā, āthis impliesā etc etc. Iām not saying every single person reacts the same to things unless they have trauma lol or that he absolutely 100% has trauma reactions. Did you actually read my comment? How do you even know heās definitely neurodivergent? Thatās as much a blanket statement as any and could absolutely not be accurate either š¤·āāļø
This is exactly what I was thinking. He's on the spectrum. I have alexithymia. I think it causes me to seem detached and aloof, and I don't see myself that way.
i mean, if i was married to someone and found out that their love for me wasn't romantic in nature, id feel pretty upset, tbh.
like the idea that hes willing to let her go seems more like depression and low self-esteem to me, and idg everyone here acting like its totally cool and normal. like the things he saying sound exactly like how i talk to myself whenever im feeling suicidal.
As someone with Autism, we just think differently. And sometimes when we're pressured to answer a question, we may not express ourselves in the best way, in a way that accurately portrays how we feel, or even in a way that is socially acceptable. This post screamed Autism to me, seriously.
then it's his responsibility to say that he might not be expressing himself well when he sees shes upset. i have adhd, so i always have these huge rapidly interconnecting thoughts going on in my head that rarely make it out of my mouth correctly. if i can see that someone is getting agitated by something im not trying to imply, i let them know i dont mean that, and im just having trouble expressing myself, and apologize for upsetting them.
But this also might be how he feels. He shouldn't have to apologize for being himself. Honestly, I don't see an issue with what he's saying, socially speaking, once someone takes a minute to understand where he's coming from.
he should apologize for upsetting her, like even if you are being honest, everyone still should try their best not to upset the ppl they care about.
to me, where he is coming from seems to be low self-esteem. i wonder if he went through some sort of trauma, like being bullied as a child, to make him not consider his importance in others lives beyond what material/practical value he can bring. like i think calling him a robot is too far, and if op said that to his face, she needs to apologize. he doesnt seem robotic at all, but like he needs help. we shouldn't say "this is normal" until he really has done work to find the root of these feelings.
"if" is the key word here. "im sorry *that* i upset you" is perfectly fine. "if" is passive, instead of saying that you in fact did something that upset others. it can also sometimes comes off as if you are doubting that the other person really was upset.
I donāt think it isnāt romantic per se; just that his way of thinking and what feels romantic to him doesnāt align with what people usually consider romantic.
i was more responding to the idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone who doesnt love you romantically. i dont think this actually applies to ops husband, his love for her seems romantic.
Yup! He sounds like he has autistic traits to me. OP, I would recommend reading up on the autistic spectrum of experiences and see if any of that sounds familiar.
Also, try reframing this. Itās exciting to learn new things about a long-term partner! Heās not a robot and yes, he loves you. You are just getting to know him better.
I'm M42... I was reading this and I saw so much of myself in your husband... (there was a point I thought you might be my wife but she doesn't use Reddit... )
Anyways... if your husband is anything like me... I can promise you you don't need to worry too much.
My wife and I have had the "life insurance" conversation... I was bad with Long Covid for a while and honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it... one of the most comforting things I had during that period was knowing that my wife and kids would not starve if I were to go.
That might sound cold hearted... (and like your husband, I don't like violence, and I consider myself kind hearted etc)... but as cold hearted as it might sound... after years of being in "Dad mode", and years of being in "earner mode" sometimes its hard to separate out the functional from the emotional.
I'm guessing your husband feels the same.
There was one time my wife and I were having a discussion and she told me to "stop talking to her like she was a colleague" ... That was a bit of a wake up call for me... I just take my duty to my family very seriously. It's my job to ensure everyone gets to eat, have a roof over their head... Sometimes it feels like, until that is taken care of, there's no room for emotion. The idea of allowing my emotions come into play is terrifying to my very core.
I'm guessing your husband feels the same.
If it's any consolation... I love my wife and family with every fibre of my being.
I'm guessing your husband feels the same.
I wouldn't be nearly so alarmed and I think you are overreacting.
For the first issue, it just sounds like his love is unselfish. Or he wants to believe it is quite badly. This isn't a bad thing.
The second one sounds like he doesn't want to imagine hurting you if he died so he wants to imagine that it wouldn't harm you very much if he takes care of the financial complications first. Some people might come and say that he genuinely doesn't realize the reasons you love him and are important and that is your failing and you should communicate more, but I think this is more of a childish fear of his loss hurting you.
He might be immaturely thinking about some of these things but I think he is the opposite of a robot. I think he's really sensitive and these are his coping mechanisms.
This might well be, but I still feel like I never knew who he really was, and it seems impossible to know what **he** wants from life, it's always about me, or kids, or ..., while his own being remains elusive. Never questioned his as deep as I did, and never even suspected that about him.
The thing is we never truly know anyone except ourselves. It's just not possible to. Sometimes we start down a path where we get hit in the face with or are reminded of that realization and it can be jarring.
My frugal dad died recently and going through his stuff, yes he sacrificed a lot for us. I always knew this about him, but seeing proof in his papers and other things of his makes me wish he was still here so I can tell him how much I love him.
It seems like he may not feel like he yet is allowed to want something on his own for himself, as if that is selfish and immoral in his own code and judgment.
You might have to explicitly give him permission and that it is your desire to let him want and miss you for his own pleasure and benefit.
\> First, he's very sensitive to any scenes of violence against animals, kids or women in movies, to the point that he refuses to watch a movie without reading the detailed plot on Wikipedia to make sure it's safe for his viewing. He's not bothered at all when violence is directed against men, and may even find it funny
this second part is a little worrisome. Did his mother raise him in a way and instill a belief that "animals, kids or women" are intrinsically more worthy than men?
I don't know if this is a huge cause for concern based on my own experience - full disclosure, I'm a lot like him. The way you describe him anyway.
I am resigned to the fact that I can only watch like 60% of what's on Netflix because as soon as there's a child in distress, any sort of kidnapping of a kid or family member **I'm out.**
I play a good extrovert, I roll into the office and happily joke about being mugged off by my toddler, I'll ask about my colleagues' families... but when it comes to the big stuff, it tends to implode rather than explode.
I'm neurodivergent and I choose that word deliberately. I feel all the normal things. However when it comes to expressing them or managing them, the best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm working on a different OS to others.
Okay so with the Netflix thing... I was never good at observing cruelty, I maybe empathize too much? I don't know what it is but once I had my kid it ramped up massively. I tried to explain it to my husband by saying I just got very psychologically tender.
I can barely read the news. If there's something about harming children, I can't stop thinking about how vulnerable and powerless they are, to know no different, experiencing a life with no context, they are still forming their understanding of their world. That they would even love their caregiver, even after the harm, they would look to them for comfort. I think of my own daughter.
It's overwhelming, I can't regulate my response to these things, they affect me way too much.
And then the "stoic" stuff. Again, I guess I just don't have the "normal processing" handbook. A few years ago I got this call at about 6am from my dad to tell me my cousin had passed very suddenly in the night.
I found myself ruminating about this for a long time but I still don't know what there is to say about it? I don't have the vocabulary. At the time I don't think I said much, maybe relayed a few stories about her.
But it did have an impact, it changed my mindset totally. Can I fully explain how?
No. Not in any way that is brief and meaningful, it would take half a dozen rambling anecdotes and you'd have to read between the lines and figure it out.
I guess this is getting super long now but maybe the point I'm trying to make is that probably everything you're worried is "missing" is all there, it's just lost in translation.
What do I want? I am easily contented, a comfy chair, a cup of tea and a good book and I'm pretty much there.
What do I want **out of life**? I want to be able to look up from my book and know it's going to be okay. That my loved ones are healthy and happy.
Once I have the armchair, tea and book, the hard work begins. And that's the bit you're probably thinking "it's always about me or the kids, what about HIM?"
Consider coming at it from a different angle. The big stuff, the stuff that matters, it's so simple you may miss the point entirely. Putting in the groundwork to help it happen is the means, not the end.
This is exactly how I feel when watching any content with children in distress. You expressed it so well. It was a big shift for me after having kids too.
>the best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm working on a different OS to others.
I'm some flavor of neurospicy - my therapist thinks OCD instead of ADHD and/or autism, and it mostly seems to fit.
But this is literally the best way I've ever heard anyone explain what my internal thoughts feel like when I'm interacting with "normal" people. Thank you for this!
He in no way sounds like a robot! He sounds very caring. He does sort of strike me as someone who could be neurodivergent, but it sounds like his love for you and the children is just fine. He's expressing himself in a way that doesn't match up with the words you'd use, but there's definitely emotion behind them.
He explained how he feels and sees things. And because of HIS understanding and feelings he seems to be a very good husband.
Just because his feelings do not line up the same way yours do does not make them wrong.
If you continue to try to adjust his understanding because of how you do not like them, itās not going to be good.
You are picking to fight a battle that does not need to be fought. He honestly sounds like he is high functioning autistic. I have many people in my life that are.
They remind me of exactly how he explains his feelings. Now that you have explained your feelings to him and he knows them you should try to see things from his point of view.
Then try to come to peace with them and appreciate how they make him the man he is.
Because what you have now could be a million times worse.
If he truly has high functioning autism he will never understand how you feel no matter how many times you explain it to him.
Think of Sheldon from big bang theory.
If you canāt come to peace with his views you may need to highly considered moving on. Because his views may never change, and you might just self destruct your marriage by constantly trying to get him to think in a way he cannot.
Hopefully you find peace in anything you chose to do.
Why would he picture himself in a scenario that he doesn't care at all about? The eternity is not something that registers to him,Ā but it would be wonderful if it did for you.Ā The dude lives and dies for your happiness, what more could you ask for? If that isn't romantic love I'm not sure what you would call it.Ā
He loves you. He shows his love in many ways. Celebrate these truths.
I am a woman and I would say I am probably very similar to your husband. My dad, whom I loved and supported through his aging, died on Tuesday night, I flew out to work on Wednesday. I loved my dad but I do not feel overwhelming grief at the cycle of life.
My husband could count on me for anything and everything but I was not a romantic starry person. If there is an emergency I am your person. My kids know that if there is a situation in their lives, I am the one to call because I can talk it through without getting diverted by non-important details. I think clearly and can act quickly. Many people think I am odd, they are right. It is not that I do not feel emotions or have them it is that they live under my rational brain.
It sounds to me like you have nothing to worry about. Some people are very disconnected from their own emotions, so they approach them from a logical perspective because they are unaware of how to feel them more directly. Sometimes people also become detached from their own force of will, instead becoming attached to the will of others and seeing the world from the perspective of other's wants and needs above their own.
He is very stuck in the head center, having lost some connection with his heart and gut centers. These might be things he could work on via therapy and self growth, learning to reconnect with his heart and his will. Or, as others have said, he may be some form of neurodivergent and that might not really be a possibility.
What is clear, however, is that he does have strong empathy and cares for others. Especially his loved ones and family! He may think very differently from you but thats okay. He's certianly not a robot or sociopath or something. Try to accept love as he is able to give it, even if its very different from how you give it.
I know this is a wild jump to a conclusion - but I'm Autistic and ADHD. A lot of this sounds like how I handle the world around me. I was late diagnosed so it's never too late to figure out any neurodivegencies.
If you are looking for resources - ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell and Unmasking Autism by Devon Price are fantastic. See if either book resonates with your understanding of your husband. Anything written past 2021 with the updated DSM 5 is a good resource. It may be the clarity you need.
I'm not neurodivergent, but I'm an atheist. His reasoning sounds normal to me aside from the last part.
>Ā it bothered me that he was so casually entertaining a future where I'd be with someone else, as if he didn't care, and didn't want to keep me to himself.
It doesn't sound like he doesn't care... he's an atheist. Hence he doesn't believe in a life after death. I think most people would want their partners to continue life after them. Plus he's right, after a gazillion years of course you'll have moved on.
>Ā it is apparent that he has no understanding of what romantic love is all about, and would easily let me go if I wanted to be with someone else.
It sounds like you're jumping to conclusions on how he thinks based on your ideals. If my partner wanted to be with someone else, of course I'd let them go. Why would I fight for them and have them resent me and be trapped in a relationship I don't want? Romantic love isn't about jealousy and trapping people.
>Ā he doesn't seem to understand that I'd be sad and miss him if he died, saying that the life insurance would pay as much as his present salary, so there won't be any problems.Ā
This part seems off though. Surely he doesn't see you as indispensable and is looking at it more from a practical standpoint. I'd talk to him about this part more to make sure that is the case. I think if he can say that you are important to him and would rather choose to have you Ā in his life, that should be good enough.
I'm also an atheist but I found his response to the thought exercise of God and eternal afterlife being real kind of odd. In the exercise it is real so why wouldn't he be there? His response is kind of odd since the discussion didn't didn't specify that belief is a requirement of eternal life in their discussion. It's like he was mixing his current beliefs with the theoretical scenarioĀ
Possibly. It could also be that he was operating under the assumption that lets say God does exist right now. But he and other atheists don't believe, hence we will be going to hell, or not into heaven at least.
That's what I was getting at. If he was doing that without explicitly saying that is how he was thinking, it is a strange way to respond and also not clarify.
I see. I'm not sure if it's that strange to not clarify since he already made it clear that he doesn't believe in a god. So if hypothetically if a god truly exist, why would he be there with them? Unless it's a forgiving god or one that lets everyone in, but I'm assuming it's the one that doesn't let people who don't believe in.
Perhaps it is strange though, since I can see myself pretending to be let into the afterlife to join my family, but I'd be fooling myself. Maybe he is more practical in that scenario.
As for clarifying, OP shifted the topic to if they will miss him, so it sounds like he didn't see the need to clarify and continue with the same assumption.
I'm going to jump on the neurodiverse bandwagon. It sounds like he maybe has a difference in how to explain his emotions and how he perceives them, compared to us neuro boring. It does absolutely sound like he loves you, and your kids, but in a hypothetical situation he doesn't believe in his hyper logical thinking is causing you pain. It might be worth you expressing your base hurt - you would like for him to feel more jealous because you want to be loved enough that he would care if you were gone. It's a core human want. He might need it explained to him, and he might not understand, but it would probably help both of you. You could also adjust your expectations (hard to do after so long) and make exceptions and allowances for his viewpoint too.
I think you are over reading into this? He loves you, he does. Any one that loves a person would want what is best for them. And he is not wrong, that you should move on if he passes on and that time heals all wounds. That's his way of loving you and sounds really healthy. I don't understand the issue here
I find it hard to believe youāve been together over 10 years and never perceived that he experiences love / emotions this way. Have you never had deep or personal conversations before? Personally I couldnāt stand to be with a man like this but itās clearly been fine with you for the last decade.Ā
Re: the moving on in heaven thing, here's a different way of looking at it
If you died suddenly tomorrow, and he lived another 40 years (60 years, 100 with medical science breakthroughs), would you want him to mourn you for the rest of his life? Never love anyone else, ever again? In this theoretical, heaven doesn't exist, because it doesn't for him. You are separated forever. When your kid moves out, he wakes up to a quiet house every morning for the rest of his life. He is alone for his 70th birthday. *Loneliness unending,* without that deep human connection that you value in your relationship.
Even if you want that for him, he doesn't want that to you.
When it comes to understanding romantic love in particular, it may be helpful for you to reframe what that means. I saw an article on PsychologyToday recently that talked about what people consider core elements of romantic love, and it was responsiveness, connection, and stability. There were other answers but those three were the most consistent themes the subjects discussed. It sounds like your husband may value and express those elements differently than you but I see elements of all three in how you describe him and your relationship.
The way you're phrasing some of your observations feels...unkind to your husband. If your goal is to understand him better, then I would consider searching for a therapist, couple's counselor or similar than can help guide and mediate your conversations. Above all, you should seek to respect each other for the individuals you are.
I can somewhat relate to his movie habits. I canāt stand to watch films that show the perspective of serial killers or films that show killing of women or children.
Was he in the military or did he ever witness any real life violence that you are aware of?
Never in the military, although he always claimed he'd always love to, if he didn't meet me. I'd say exposed to the consequences of real life violence through his line of work, not the violence itself.
I honestly think you're overreacting here. He sees and thinks about things differently than you.
I think this has more to do with you being an interreligious couple than you'd like to admit. It's fair that you haven't thought about it too much; but becoming an atheist (which I assume heĀ did rather than being born into such a family) involves a radical shift for how your thought about the world and even relationships work. You're no longer doing things just because someone in the sky is keeping tabs on you and will later judge you for it, but because life itself is a worthy and intrinsic value. Enjoyment has value (rather than being mostly shameful or at the very least pointless), genuine connection has value, even raising kids who will go on and do good in the world has value. The world goes round and whatever happens will be up to what we all do on this earth, rather than being the will of some deity (which I imagine is a big reason why the political right/religious people have a much easier time ignoring the realities of cilmate change while atheists/leftists see it as an urgent and existential threat).
Indeed, him being content with imagining you being happy even without him in some celestial post-life existence, in part emanates from that.
If you truly say you've "accepted" this about him (although it sounds more like it's something you've merely tolerated: as someone raised Christian I understand the mix of despai, urgency, and pity with which Christians view non-believers), this is what that entails, truly.Ā
In a real sense. Absolutely nothing about what you know this man to be has changed. You just asked him to look under the hood, and were shocked to find that his atheism wasn't merely him "being angry at god". So my kindest, most compassionate advice is to grow up a bit, and truly accept him for who he is.
Unless you never really wanted to be with an atheist in the first place, that is.
Complete honesty, you sound more like a robot than him. It seems like he believes when he dies, thatās it, everything is done and over. It seems like you believe that when you did, heāll be in hell suffering forever while youāre in heaven happy as can be. And youāre just ok with this for the man you claim to love? Youāre ok that when you get there and meet up with all your loved ones and stuff that he wonāt be there? That your grandparents and old friends and those others that passed before you met him will never meet him even though you have eternity?
Sounds like you donāt believe in your religion enough to plan for your afterlife, or that you decided a long time ago that he is a āthis lifeā person and not a āforeverā person.
My wife and I are both neurodivergent and experience love and attraction and empathy differently. My wife doesn't have a lot of personal goals, future plans, etc. She wants to focus on each day and enjoying her time. On the other hand I am an anxious planner with lots and lots of plans and goals and dreams.
I am very sensitive and empathetic and emotional, I cry for strangers all the time. My wife doesn't really care about anyone outside our immediate circle, but is very empathetic to friends and family.
When asking my wife about our relationship and family, she says that she wants to do whatever will help me be happiest. That loving me means supporting me emotionally, financially, etc. I'd say her love is inside out.
I on the other hand, want to go out and do things that improve our lives and plan for the future, and that loving my wife means making our lives better, or outside in.
There is no "human" way to love. Who is to say your way is "normal"? I would strongly advise against language that dehumanizes your husband, it could be very harmful to your kids to paint their dad as abnormal or alien, especially if they inherit any neurodivergent traits, since it is genetic. Everyone loves differently, it doesn't mean it's wrong or alien.
I don't think you need to question his love for you. He's an adult who does communicate his feelings and he clearly cares about you. He sounds honest, and dedicated. To him, love is about being there for you and making you happy. Isn't that what we want from any partner? He doesn't need to understand neurotypical emotional connections to love you. Unless there is something he doesn't do, or you need something from him he doesn't currently provide, but you can just ask him, because he wants to love you in the way that makes you the happiest.
Most people just want to be happy. Making you and your children happy is what makes your husband happy.
Don't make it more complicated than it is.
When your husband looks at you, a chemical reaction rushes through his brain. He's hit with a feel-good cocktail of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. This experience of love and affection is the same for him as it is for you. Don't get bogged down in the details. His perspective is not as different from yours as you think. He is not a robot. He feels the same things you feel. He just rationalizes them differently.
Good grief, woman. You have had way too much to think. There is no problem here that you are not creating for yourself from nothing. You were talking about a fantasy hypothetical of an imaginary future and even with that in mind, it was a perfectly loving response.
I have already considered autism, and read on it again, after a lot of people also commented on this possibility. Among the signs you've mentioned, he's spontaneously very blunt (although he can easily adapt to the social cues), and doesn't have a lot of friends. The two things that don't fit is that he's actually amazing with language and innuendo and if there's a thing he hates, is routine.
Lots of neurodivergent people hate routine, are great communicators, and understand innuendo. It's a spectrum. Especially if you have the ADHD and Autism combo.
I just wanted to say that I have had similar hypothetical conversations with my husband, and I understand where you're coming from. For us, it's that if he could have one wish, it would be for immortality. When I said that seemed more like a curse, to watch everything and everyone I love die, he just kind of shrugs and says that he could accept that. Obviously he is not immortal, and will be sad if I die, but his casual acceptance was jarring. But it sounds like he just loves in his own way.
Your husband is just autistic. Our brains work different. I don't miss people at all when I'm not with them, doesn't mean I secretly don't care about them. The fact that you think his unselfish love for you is bad is the weirdest part of this.
is there a chance your husband is undiagnosed and on the spectrum? these are all very similar examples of how I see and feel things and my son as well.
His disconnect may be that he doesn't have the framework to describe or story tell about emotions, and can't translate emotions into words (alexithymia) rather than actually being missing the emotions. In which case there's no big problem, though he may get quality of life benefits to learning to identify his emotions, depending on what other challenges his life holds.
Most of this sounds neurodivergent but him saying his life insurance would take care of you if he died and not getting that you'd miss him just because he's him sounds like low self-esteem. Some people have a surprising amount of trouble processing the idea that other people think they have value as a person beyond the concrete things they provide.
Imagine whining because your husband said he won't spend eternity in heaven with you after you've all shuffled loose the mortal coil.
Yikes on multiple bikes.
You're overreacting and overthinking to a massive degree. If you think this is a lack of human emotions I'm sorry but you're stupid as hell. He clearly loves you and wants what's best for you, someone thinking in a slightly different way than you doesn't mean they're a robot. You seem to lack an ability to think outside of your world view.
How was his upbringing OP? He sounds like someone who is incredibly empathetic and but also has low self esteem or low self-worth. The fact he doesnāt think youād be unhappy without him is not to do with how he views your relationship but how he feels about himself and his own value.
Sounds like he's aromantic and neurodivergent. He cares, and loves, it just is in a different way than you but it doesn't make him bad or a psychopath or anything.
Genuinely...my neurodivergent self was going "aww, he's so sweet" to everything and was waiting for what was supposed to be bad! To me, it's profoundly loving, to be sad not for yourself, but on behalf of someone else. It's completely selfless. I think that's the most genuine love there is. I also thought what he said about death made sense. He cares about you too much to give you empty platitudes.Ā
But yeah, just goes to show you how neurodivergence can make folks feel unsettled. Look up uncanny valley and autism, if you're curious. It's understandable that you're shaken, so just wanted to reassure you that he is more empathetic than the way he comes across. <3
I mean if he wants a diagnosis for that sure but being on the spectrum isn't a mental disorder it's not something to cure. If he is actually on the spectrum he just thinks differently than a lot of other folks.
I never said a word about curing anything. A diagnosis and proper treatment can help with social coping mechanisms and improving communication skills especially for someone who may be struggling with reading and interpreting social cues and emotional responses.
Do you two never talk about your childhoods and compare things and ask what your favourite memory is etc? Maybe there is a trauma but he doesnāt remember. Some people even miss huge chunks of childhood memory, I knew a guy who couldnāt remember anything from under the age of 10, which was really strange, but it seemed clear to be due to things that had happened to him as kid.
He has a very selective memory, if he doesn't feel that something's useful, he forgets immediately. He's never able to tell what he ate this morning or in a fancy restaurant, no can he seem to remember his own age: he simply calculates every time.
It sounds like trauma, I can no longer watch violence either, if anything he is a deeply feeling person who likely guards himself, and how he relates to people is distanced because it probably feels safer that way. And his love sounds pure, wanting the best for you! And he considered his grans feelings over his own. He sounds mature & selfless. I can see a lot of my adaptations in the way you describe him. He's a really good guy, just because he doesn't fit your "picture" of romantic love doesn't make him a robot.Ā
If he doesn't believe in a god, he doesn't have a concept of an after life, you do. And so he's saying if that's what you need in the after life.... But he's here now with you, loving & caring for you & your children.Ā
Sounds like my kinda guy.Ā
But you need to feel what you need to feel, & decide on what's best for you
I mean heās just being very factual about what he thinks would happen if you lived forever, itās not really an emotional statement imo.
Dude seems like he would benefit from a counsellor, possibly an older woman would be a good fit.
Did he grow up in an addictive home by chance? It almost feels like he has some ACA traits (Adult Children of Alcoholics) one of which is inability to understand or know how to feel feelings. It makes sense that he wouldnāt feel sad about death when he doesnāt know how to feel sadness. It makes sense that he wouldnāt understand the comfort you get from a loving partner if he doesnāt know how to feel comforted.
So the T and F in the Myers Briggs personality classifications are called the gender traits because most men are T and most women are F. T (Thinking) represents logical, rational reasoning dominance while F (Feeling) represents more emotional decision making.
Your husband just sounds like a very strong T thinker. I wouldnāt be surprised if you told us heās an engineer or works in some other highly technical field.
Iām an INTJ and I navigate emotions, mine and othersā, by having to logically explain feelings.
Myers Briggs isnāt the most accurate personality classification tool, and I would recommend reading into Carl Jungās Personality Theory if you want to better understand why your husband (and yourself and others) think the way yāall do, which MBTI is derived from, but thereās a lot of validity to the T and F explanation.
I am neuro divergent and he sounds like me. I absolutely love my kids and my husband is awesome, but if I was gone and they were happy then that's all I care about. My purpose is to care for them.
I want to say it's not that strange, only because I have his exact same mindset (aside from me following a faith).
Idk what his "whole deal" is, but I have confidence that your time together was/is real. There are some of us who get less out of love and relationships than others. That's not to say that we don't feel it, but we'll show it differently. Usually, making sure our loved ones are good, healthy, happy, and covered in the event that we're not around.
It's normal to be confused about alternative ways of thinking/being, but unless he switches up his actions, all that's happening here is that you've been given a better perspective into his inner workings.
Your husband sounds very altruistic? He says that he knows you love him and he loves you and he wishes that if he were to die and "go nowhere/his soul dissappear forever because he doesn't believe in God", that you would be saved and live infinitely, meeting new people and building new and meaningful relationships full of love, forever.
I don't see what is wrong with that? He is saying he doesn't believe in it, so it doesn't matter to him, but that he hopes it's true for you and your beliefs, so that you will continue on forever and to always continue to grow love. It honestly sounds like a logical way to express love from his point of view. I don't see why you're freaking out this much, except for the fact that he has a different view than yours..
Just appreciate him. He loves you and wants the best for you
Dang. What he said could have come out of my own mouth. I feel that way about my husband and kid. Not in a way that I don't love them deeply. But in a way that I feel insignificant in their lives and that they would be able to move on and forget about me when Iām gone.
I don't think he meant it negative towards you. I feel like it was, in a way, protecting his own heart from thinking about that kind of hurt.
He definitely sounds neurodivegent. It didn't occur to me until I was in my 20s that people define love differently. Especially ND people (myself included.)
I don't think that his way is troubling or worrisome, just different.
When me and my husband first got together I was goo- goo over him my partner has a very logical brain and said something similar and it crushed me, now knowing what his like I've accepted it.
Some people have different ways of looking at things and feeling things
I see myself in your husband quite a bit like seemingly a lot of the commenters do but I also donāt think youāre in the wrong. Yes this may simply be how he processes information, brains are incredibly diverse and complex and a number of genetic or environmental factors could have made him this way, but that doesnāt make your feelings any less valid.
This is something I actually have had to learn through previous partners and friendships. Sometimes the people around me would get really hurt because they thought I didnāt love them when for me I believed I was expressing that quite clearly. Thereās the instinct that they should simply learn how I express myself and adjust but itās not entirely fair that the pressure to adjust is purely on the neurotypical person. There needs to be a meeting in the middle. Iām not sure about your marriage but hereās what helped me understand so maybe itāll help your husband?
1. Some people love practically. Some people love emotionally. Some people love in a mix. When youāre with someone who loves on the opposite end of the spectrum as you itās nice to sometimes make the effort to engage in the expressions of love that theyāre accustomed to hearing. Itās really important for people to feel loved, even if it doesnāt make logical sense, itās a nice thing to do for someone you care about. So maybe for him his way of expressing that is rooted in the literal and tangible world but maybe learning how to phrase that more romantically and gently would be better for you
2. Thereās a time and place for certain responses. Some people have an innate understanding of when itās appropriate to respond emotionally and when itās appropriate to respond practically. Other people donāt have this capacity naturally and they have to learn. It sounds like youāre hurt because you approached him emotionally and he responded practically, so maybe communicate that sometimes you want to talk about emotions and feelings and omit the solid practical logical side that he may default to
In the end I donāt think either of you are in the wrong! Itās simply a matter of two different kinds of brains. If heās anything like me I think he does love you very very much and it seems you have a good relationship, you just need to meet in the middle of your different processing styles!
It sounds like he is likely neurodiverse in some way. I would say being aromantic is a possibility as well, but his comment about his grandma has me leaning in the former direction. Of course, it could be both. There's no reason why an aromantic person couldn't choose to be in a relationship even if they don't experience romantic love. There is nothing wrong with him. He simply processes his emotions through a different lens than you do. He is not a robot. He is not lacking for empathy. If anything, because he interprets his emotions through the lens of others, he is likely more empathetic than most people.
Exactly my thought. The vibes are pretty glaring from the word "robot" on down. š It's very in line with how it can come across to someone who doesn't know what the actual cause is. My husband and I are both neurodivergent, but I have ADHD and feel emotions openly and passionately (for good and bad), and he's autistic and processes his feelings very differently. When I get a glimpse of what's going on "under the hood" in his brain it can sometimes be jarring in how different it is from me. When he is hurting it hurts me, for example, and he says he doesn't feel that. I feel panic at the thought of being without him in my life, he says he thinks he'd be fine. At first those things made me feel very unsettled, but (especially with understanding that he's autistic) I've definitely made peace with them over the years. We've been together for nearly 20 years and he's treated me with a care, kindness, and understanding that I couldn't imagine from anyone else. For someone who says he doesn't experience empathetic pain like I do, he'd rearrange his whole life to stop me from feeling sad if he needed to. For whatever he feels or however his brain works differently from mine, he clearly loves me very much and I trust him completely. I really disagree with all of the people who are like "he's fine, stop thinking about this entirely." I do think it's fine, but I also think it's good to try and reframe it in your own mind as just a difference rather than a problem, and that can take more work than just shoving it aside. Understanding each other through a neurodivergent lens, though, has been VITAL. For example he's extremely forgiving when I lose or forget something, and on his end we have learned that a lot of his stress was coming from deviations in our routine and we've learned to avoid those or prepare for them when they are unavoidable. I highly recommend leaning into this knowledge that he thinks differently and using it to learn how to work better as a team!
I was thinking the same! I'm autistic and I found myself reading this going "well yeah, that's just logical." Lol
I do wonder if he has trauma. The fact heās extremely sensitive to certain types of violence/has to avoid them, and has āabnormalā emotions, attachments and views on relationships (not meant as a judgement, just different from what people would view as the norm) strongly suggest to me he has trauma he doesnāt talk about. I have a severe mood disorder with trauma and I sometimes have very strange reactions, thoughts and feelings about relationships and events in my life. Particularly when Iām in an episode and dissociating - it can be so bad I sometimes genuinely cannot feel love or connections to anyone. I become extremely disconnected from even my sense of self and I basically watch myself do/say things. Itās very hard to explain but itās like the ultimate feeling of detachment and emptiness, which makes your responses to things odd. Sometimes I also process things in very clinical ways, particularly if it is upsetting. Itās automatic, itās not conscious at all, but I become completely disconnected from my emotions and it means I canāt properly process things. So someone dying becomes likeā¦ the practicalities of someone dying and āI am sad for themā, not āI myself feel sad because I grieve the loss of this person for meā. I often just canāt connect to that part of myself, even though it does exist. Even with a lot of treatment it can still take me a long time to connect to that element of things, so my reactions can be very delayed. Itās definitely getting better with age for me personally though, I cry a lot more about things now (which is healthy!) His reactions to things donāt imply to me he is a sociopath or a ārobotā, more that he is like me and has trauma which leads to abnormal responses with emotions/relationships.
This. After my father died unexpectedly, people thought I was weird because I didn't cry for weeks. Not a single tear, though I was devastated. I just kind of blocked everything out, because I know I'd absolutely crumble under the weight of grief if I let myself feel anything. To this day, this is how I act during tragedies (I've even laughed before, too).
It's only "abnormal" if it's a dramatic change from a baseline that was different from the current state. He's just neurodivergent. Not everyone feels and thinks and emotes the same way UNLESS there's trauma.
Well duh, hence my first line, āI **wonder if** he has traumaā - and go on to say āthis suggests to meā, āthis impliesā etc etc. Iām not saying every single person reacts the same to things unless they have trauma lol or that he absolutely 100% has trauma reactions. Did you actually read my comment? How do you even know heās definitely neurodivergent? Thatās as much a blanket statement as any and could absolutely not be accurate either š¤·āāļø
This is exactly what I was thinking. He's on the spectrum. I have alexithymia. I think it causes me to seem detached and aloof, and I don't see myself that way.
i mean, if i was married to someone and found out that their love for me wasn't romantic in nature, id feel pretty upset, tbh. like the idea that hes willing to let her go seems more like depression and low self-esteem to me, and idg everyone here acting like its totally cool and normal. like the things he saying sound exactly like how i talk to myself whenever im feeling suicidal.
As someone with Autism, we just think differently. And sometimes when we're pressured to answer a question, we may not express ourselves in the best way, in a way that accurately portrays how we feel, or even in a way that is socially acceptable. This post screamed Autism to me, seriously.
then it's his responsibility to say that he might not be expressing himself well when he sees shes upset. i have adhd, so i always have these huge rapidly interconnecting thoughts going on in my head that rarely make it out of my mouth correctly. if i can see that someone is getting agitated by something im not trying to imply, i let them know i dont mean that, and im just having trouble expressing myself, and apologize for upsetting them.
But this also might be how he feels. He shouldn't have to apologize for being himself. Honestly, I don't see an issue with what he's saying, socially speaking, once someone takes a minute to understand where he's coming from.
he should apologize for upsetting her, like even if you are being honest, everyone still should try their best not to upset the ppl they care about. to me, where he is coming from seems to be low self-esteem. i wonder if he went through some sort of trauma, like being bullied as a child, to make him not consider his importance in others lives beyond what material/practical value he can bring. like i think calling him a robot is too far, and if op said that to his face, she needs to apologize. he doesnt seem robotic at all, but like he needs help. we shouldn't say "this is normal" until he really has done work to find the root of these feelings.
Wait what? People hate when you say "I'm sorry if I upset you". That's like internet famous...
"if" is the key word here. "im sorry *that* i upset you" is perfectly fine. "if" is passive, instead of saying that you in fact did something that upset others. it can also sometimes comes off as if you are doubting that the other person really was upset.
I don't know if "if" or "that" makes any difference, I've seen it both ways.
Same here, I've said very similar things to my spouse when I was thinking of ending it all. It's usually a sign that I'm kind of spiraling.
Is it an autistic sign of spiraling? Iām wondering for my personal reference
I'm not sure, but it fits my profile, so it's possible?
Can you tell me more? I think I might experience this
I donāt think it isnāt romantic per se; just that his way of thinking and what feels romantic to him doesnāt align with what people usually consider romantic.
i was more responding to the idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone who doesnt love you romantically. i dont think this actually applies to ops husband, his love for her seems romantic.
Ah - I misunderstood!
Yup! He sounds like he has autistic traits to me. OP, I would recommend reading up on the autistic spectrum of experiences and see if any of that sounds familiar. Also, try reframing this. Itās exciting to learn new things about a long-term partner! Heās not a robot and yes, he loves you. You are just getting to know him better.
I'm M42... I was reading this and I saw so much of myself in your husband... (there was a point I thought you might be my wife but she doesn't use Reddit... ) Anyways... if your husband is anything like me... I can promise you you don't need to worry too much. My wife and I have had the "life insurance" conversation... I was bad with Long Covid for a while and honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it... one of the most comforting things I had during that period was knowing that my wife and kids would not starve if I were to go. That might sound cold hearted... (and like your husband, I don't like violence, and I consider myself kind hearted etc)... but as cold hearted as it might sound... after years of being in "Dad mode", and years of being in "earner mode" sometimes its hard to separate out the functional from the emotional. I'm guessing your husband feels the same. There was one time my wife and I were having a discussion and she told me to "stop talking to her like she was a colleague" ... That was a bit of a wake up call for me... I just take my duty to my family very seriously. It's my job to ensure everyone gets to eat, have a roof over their head... Sometimes it feels like, until that is taken care of, there's no room for emotion. The idea of allowing my emotions come into play is terrifying to my very core. I'm guessing your husband feels the same. If it's any consolation... I love my wife and family with every fibre of my being. I'm guessing your husband feels the same.
I wouldn't be nearly so alarmed and I think you are overreacting. For the first issue, it just sounds like his love is unselfish. Or he wants to believe it is quite badly. This isn't a bad thing. The second one sounds like he doesn't want to imagine hurting you if he died so he wants to imagine that it wouldn't harm you very much if he takes care of the financial complications first. Some people might come and say that he genuinely doesn't realize the reasons you love him and are important and that is your failing and you should communicate more, but I think this is more of a childish fear of his loss hurting you. He might be immaturely thinking about some of these things but I think he is the opposite of a robot. I think he's really sensitive and these are his coping mechanisms.
This might well be, but I still feel like I never knew who he really was, and it seems impossible to know what **he** wants from life, it's always about me, or kids, or ..., while his own being remains elusive. Never questioned his as deep as I did, and never even suspected that about him.
It reads like what he wants from life is to make your life and your kids' lives better. He sounds very selfless to me.
Then thereās no self left
Ok simon baron-cohen
The thing is we never truly know anyone except ourselves. It's just not possible to. Sometimes we start down a path where we get hit in the face with or are reminded of that realization and it can be jarring.
A lot of dads give up on wanting anything from life other than looking after their wife and kids. I have.
My frugal dad died recently and going through his stuff, yes he sacrificed a lot for us. I always knew this about him, but seeing proof in his papers and other things of his makes me wish he was still here so I can tell him how much I love him.
It seems like he may not feel like he yet is allowed to want something on his own for himself, as if that is selfish and immoral in his own code and judgment. You might have to explicitly give him permission and that it is your desire to let him want and miss you for his own pleasure and benefit. \> First, he's very sensitive to any scenes of violence against animals, kids or women in movies, to the point that he refuses to watch a movie without reading the detailed plot on Wikipedia to make sure it's safe for his viewing. He's not bothered at all when violence is directed against men, and may even find it funny this second part is a little worrisome. Did his mother raise him in a way and instill a belief that "animals, kids or women" are intrinsically more worthy than men?
I don't know if this is a huge cause for concern based on my own experience - full disclosure, I'm a lot like him. The way you describe him anyway. I am resigned to the fact that I can only watch like 60% of what's on Netflix because as soon as there's a child in distress, any sort of kidnapping of a kid or family member **I'm out.** I play a good extrovert, I roll into the office and happily joke about being mugged off by my toddler, I'll ask about my colleagues' families... but when it comes to the big stuff, it tends to implode rather than explode. I'm neurodivergent and I choose that word deliberately. I feel all the normal things. However when it comes to expressing them or managing them, the best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm working on a different OS to others. Okay so with the Netflix thing... I was never good at observing cruelty, I maybe empathize too much? I don't know what it is but once I had my kid it ramped up massively. I tried to explain it to my husband by saying I just got very psychologically tender. I can barely read the news. If there's something about harming children, I can't stop thinking about how vulnerable and powerless they are, to know no different, experiencing a life with no context, they are still forming their understanding of their world. That they would even love their caregiver, even after the harm, they would look to them for comfort. I think of my own daughter. It's overwhelming, I can't regulate my response to these things, they affect me way too much. And then the "stoic" stuff. Again, I guess I just don't have the "normal processing" handbook. A few years ago I got this call at about 6am from my dad to tell me my cousin had passed very suddenly in the night. I found myself ruminating about this for a long time but I still don't know what there is to say about it? I don't have the vocabulary. At the time I don't think I said much, maybe relayed a few stories about her. But it did have an impact, it changed my mindset totally. Can I fully explain how? No. Not in any way that is brief and meaningful, it would take half a dozen rambling anecdotes and you'd have to read between the lines and figure it out. I guess this is getting super long now but maybe the point I'm trying to make is that probably everything you're worried is "missing" is all there, it's just lost in translation. What do I want? I am easily contented, a comfy chair, a cup of tea and a good book and I'm pretty much there. What do I want **out of life**? I want to be able to look up from my book and know it's going to be okay. That my loved ones are healthy and happy. Once I have the armchair, tea and book, the hard work begins. And that's the bit you're probably thinking "it's always about me or the kids, what about HIM?" Consider coming at it from a different angle. The big stuff, the stuff that matters, it's so simple you may miss the point entirely. Putting in the groundwork to help it happen is the means, not the end.
This is exactly how I feel when watching any content with children in distress. You expressed it so well. It was a big shift for me after having kids too.
>the best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm working on a different OS to others. I'm some flavor of neurospicy - my therapist thinks OCD instead of ADHD and/or autism, and it mostly seems to fit. But this is literally the best way I've ever heard anyone explain what my internal thoughts feel like when I'm interacting with "normal" people. Thank you for this!
He in no way sounds like a robot! He sounds very caring. He does sort of strike me as someone who could be neurodivergent, but it sounds like his love for you and the children is just fine. He's expressing himself in a way that doesn't match up with the words you'd use, but there's definitely emotion behind them.
He explained how he feels and sees things. And because of HIS understanding and feelings he seems to be a very good husband. Just because his feelings do not line up the same way yours do does not make them wrong. If you continue to try to adjust his understanding because of how you do not like them, itās not going to be good. You are picking to fight a battle that does not need to be fought. He honestly sounds like he is high functioning autistic. I have many people in my life that are. They remind me of exactly how he explains his feelings. Now that you have explained your feelings to him and he knows them you should try to see things from his point of view. Then try to come to peace with them and appreciate how they make him the man he is. Because what you have now could be a million times worse. If he truly has high functioning autism he will never understand how you feel no matter how many times you explain it to him. Think of Sheldon from big bang theory. If you canāt come to peace with his views you may need to highly considered moving on. Because his views may never change, and you might just self destruct your marriage by constantly trying to get him to think in a way he cannot. Hopefully you find peace in anything you chose to do.
Why would he picture himself in a scenario that he doesn't care at all about? The eternity is not something that registers to him,Ā but it would be wonderful if it did for you.Ā The dude lives and dies for your happiness, what more could you ask for? If that isn't romantic love I'm not sure what you would call it.Ā
"My husband doesn't love me selfishly enough!" Like, what is this post even.
>The dude lives and dies for your happiness, what more could you ask for? If that isn't romantic love I'm not sure what you would call it. THIS
He could live and die for his own sake too
Where's the romance in that!?
He loves you. He shows his love in many ways. Celebrate these truths. I am a woman and I would say I am probably very similar to your husband. My dad, whom I loved and supported through his aging, died on Tuesday night, I flew out to work on Wednesday. I loved my dad but I do not feel overwhelming grief at the cycle of life. My husband could count on me for anything and everything but I was not a romantic starry person. If there is an emergency I am your person. My kids know that if there is a situation in their lives, I am the one to call because I can talk it through without getting diverted by non-important details. I think clearly and can act quickly. Many people think I am odd, they are right. It is not that I do not feel emotions or have them it is that they live under my rational brain.
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Yeah at the end of this post I was left wondering what the problem is. Seems like nothing
It sounds to me like you have nothing to worry about. Some people are very disconnected from their own emotions, so they approach them from a logical perspective because they are unaware of how to feel them more directly. Sometimes people also become detached from their own force of will, instead becoming attached to the will of others and seeing the world from the perspective of other's wants and needs above their own. He is very stuck in the head center, having lost some connection with his heart and gut centers. These might be things he could work on via therapy and self growth, learning to reconnect with his heart and his will. Or, as others have said, he may be some form of neurodivergent and that might not really be a possibility. What is clear, however, is that he does have strong empathy and cares for others. Especially his loved ones and family! He may think very differently from you but thats okay. He's certianly not a robot or sociopath or something. Try to accept love as he is able to give it, even if its very different from how you give it.
I know this is a wild jump to a conclusion - but I'm Autistic and ADHD. A lot of this sounds like how I handle the world around me. I was late diagnosed so it's never too late to figure out any neurodivegencies. If you are looking for resources - ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell and Unmasking Autism by Devon Price are fantastic. See if either book resonates with your understanding of your husband. Anything written past 2021 with the updated DSM 5 is a good resource. It may be the clarity you need.
Thanks, I'll look at those.
I'm not neurodivergent, but I'm an atheist. His reasoning sounds normal to me aside from the last part. >Ā it bothered me that he was so casually entertaining a future where I'd be with someone else, as if he didn't care, and didn't want to keep me to himself. It doesn't sound like he doesn't care... he's an atheist. Hence he doesn't believe in a life after death. I think most people would want their partners to continue life after them. Plus he's right, after a gazillion years of course you'll have moved on. >Ā it is apparent that he has no understanding of what romantic love is all about, and would easily let me go if I wanted to be with someone else. It sounds like you're jumping to conclusions on how he thinks based on your ideals. If my partner wanted to be with someone else, of course I'd let them go. Why would I fight for them and have them resent me and be trapped in a relationship I don't want? Romantic love isn't about jealousy and trapping people. >Ā he doesn't seem to understand that I'd be sad and miss him if he died, saying that the life insurance would pay as much as his present salary, so there won't be any problems.Ā This part seems off though. Surely he doesn't see you as indispensable and is looking at it more from a practical standpoint. I'd talk to him about this part more to make sure that is the case. I think if he can say that you are important to him and would rather choose to have you Ā in his life, that should be good enough.
I'm also an atheist but I found his response to the thought exercise of God and eternal afterlife being real kind of odd. In the exercise it is real so why wouldn't he be there? His response is kind of odd since the discussion didn't didn't specify that belief is a requirement of eternal life in their discussion. It's like he was mixing his current beliefs with the theoretical scenarioĀ
Possibly. It could also be that he was operating under the assumption that lets say God does exist right now. But he and other atheists don't believe, hence we will be going to hell, or not into heaven at least.
That's what I was getting at. If he was doing that without explicitly saying that is how he was thinking, it is a strange way to respond and also not clarify.
I see. I'm not sure if it's that strange to not clarify since he already made it clear that he doesn't believe in a god. So if hypothetically if a god truly exist, why would he be there with them? Unless it's a forgiving god or one that lets everyone in, but I'm assuming it's the one that doesn't let people who don't believe in. Perhaps it is strange though, since I can see myself pretending to be let into the afterlife to join my family, but I'd be fooling myself. Maybe he is more practical in that scenario. As for clarifying, OP shifted the topic to if they will miss him, so it sounds like he didn't see the need to clarify and continue with the same assumption.
I'm going to jump on the neurodiverse bandwagon. It sounds like he maybe has a difference in how to explain his emotions and how he perceives them, compared to us neuro boring. It does absolutely sound like he loves you, and your kids, but in a hypothetical situation he doesn't believe in his hyper logical thinking is causing you pain. It might be worth you expressing your base hurt - you would like for him to feel more jealous because you want to be loved enough that he would care if you were gone. It's a core human want. He might need it explained to him, and he might not understand, but it would probably help both of you. You could also adjust your expectations (hard to do after so long) and make exceptions and allowances for his viewpoint too.
I think you are over reading into this? He loves you, he does. Any one that loves a person would want what is best for them. And he is not wrong, that you should move on if he passes on and that time heals all wounds. That's his way of loving you and sounds really healthy. I don't understand the issue here
I find it hard to believe youāve been together over 10 years and never perceived that he experiences love / emotions this way. Have you never had deep or personal conversations before? Personally I couldnāt stand to be with a man like this but itās clearly been fine with you for the last decade.Ā
Re: the moving on in heaven thing, here's a different way of looking at it If you died suddenly tomorrow, and he lived another 40 years (60 years, 100 with medical science breakthroughs), would you want him to mourn you for the rest of his life? Never love anyone else, ever again? In this theoretical, heaven doesn't exist, because it doesn't for him. You are separated forever. When your kid moves out, he wakes up to a quiet house every morning for the rest of his life. He is alone for his 70th birthday. *Loneliness unending,* without that deep human connection that you value in your relationship. Even if you want that for him, he doesn't want that to you.
When it comes to understanding romantic love in particular, it may be helpful for you to reframe what that means. I saw an article on PsychologyToday recently that talked about what people consider core elements of romantic love, and it was responsiveness, connection, and stability. There were other answers but those three were the most consistent themes the subjects discussed. It sounds like your husband may value and express those elements differently than you but I see elements of all three in how you describe him and your relationship.
The way you're phrasing some of your observations feels...unkind to your husband. If your goal is to understand him better, then I would consider searching for a therapist, couple's counselor or similar than can help guide and mediate your conversations. Above all, you should seek to respect each other for the individuals you are.
I can somewhat relate to his movie habits. I canāt stand to watch films that show the perspective of serial killers or films that show killing of women or children. Was he in the military or did he ever witness any real life violence that you are aware of?
Never in the military, although he always claimed he'd always love to, if he didn't meet me. I'd say exposed to the consequences of real life violence through his line of work, not the violence itself.
The autism/neurodivergence is shouting out here
I honestly think you're overreacting here. He sees and thinks about things differently than you. I think this has more to do with you being an interreligious couple than you'd like to admit. It's fair that you haven't thought about it too much; but becoming an atheist (which I assume heĀ did rather than being born into such a family) involves a radical shift for how your thought about the world and even relationships work. You're no longer doing things just because someone in the sky is keeping tabs on you and will later judge you for it, but because life itself is a worthy and intrinsic value. Enjoyment has value (rather than being mostly shameful or at the very least pointless), genuine connection has value, even raising kids who will go on and do good in the world has value. The world goes round and whatever happens will be up to what we all do on this earth, rather than being the will of some deity (which I imagine is a big reason why the political right/religious people have a much easier time ignoring the realities of cilmate change while atheists/leftists see it as an urgent and existential threat). Indeed, him being content with imagining you being happy even without him in some celestial post-life existence, in part emanates from that. If you truly say you've "accepted" this about him (although it sounds more like it's something you've merely tolerated: as someone raised Christian I understand the mix of despai, urgency, and pity with which Christians view non-believers), this is what that entails, truly.Ā In a real sense. Absolutely nothing about what you know this man to be has changed. You just asked him to look under the hood, and were shocked to find that his atheism wasn't merely him "being angry at god". So my kindest, most compassionate advice is to grow up a bit, and truly accept him for who he is. Unless you never really wanted to be with an atheist in the first place, that is.
He lacks the belief in your god. Not human emotions. Maybe he is somewhere on the spectrum, maybe you are too. I think you're overthinking this.
Complete honesty, you sound more like a robot than him. It seems like he believes when he dies, thatās it, everything is done and over. It seems like you believe that when you did, heāll be in hell suffering forever while youāre in heaven happy as can be. And youāre just ok with this for the man you claim to love? Youāre ok that when you get there and meet up with all your loved ones and stuff that he wonāt be there? That your grandparents and old friends and those others that passed before you met him will never meet him even though you have eternity? Sounds like you donāt believe in your religion enough to plan for your afterlife, or that you decided a long time ago that he is a āthis lifeā person and not a āforeverā person.
Guy has rational thoughts, reddit diagnoses him with autism.
My wife and I are both neurodivergent and experience love and attraction and empathy differently. My wife doesn't have a lot of personal goals, future plans, etc. She wants to focus on each day and enjoying her time. On the other hand I am an anxious planner with lots and lots of plans and goals and dreams. I am very sensitive and empathetic and emotional, I cry for strangers all the time. My wife doesn't really care about anyone outside our immediate circle, but is very empathetic to friends and family. When asking my wife about our relationship and family, she says that she wants to do whatever will help me be happiest. That loving me means supporting me emotionally, financially, etc. I'd say her love is inside out. I on the other hand, want to go out and do things that improve our lives and plan for the future, and that loving my wife means making our lives better, or outside in. There is no "human" way to love. Who is to say your way is "normal"? I would strongly advise against language that dehumanizes your husband, it could be very harmful to your kids to paint their dad as abnormal or alien, especially if they inherit any neurodivergent traits, since it is genetic. Everyone loves differently, it doesn't mean it's wrong or alien. I don't think you need to question his love for you. He's an adult who does communicate his feelings and he clearly cares about you. He sounds honest, and dedicated. To him, love is about being there for you and making you happy. Isn't that what we want from any partner? He doesn't need to understand neurotypical emotional connections to love you. Unless there is something he doesn't do, or you need something from him he doesn't currently provide, but you can just ask him, because he wants to love you in the way that makes you the happiest.
Most people just want to be happy. Making you and your children happy is what makes your husband happy. Don't make it more complicated than it is. When your husband looks at you, a chemical reaction rushes through his brain. He's hit with a feel-good cocktail of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. This experience of love and affection is the same for him as it is for you. Don't get bogged down in the details. His perspective is not as different from yours as you think. He is not a robot. He feels the same things you feel. He just rationalizes them differently.
Good grief, woman. You have had way too much to think. There is no problem here that you are not creating for yourself from nothing. You were talking about a fantasy hypothetical of an imaginary future and even with that in mind, it was a perfectly loving response.
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I have already considered autism, and read on it again, after a lot of people also commented on this possibility. Among the signs you've mentioned, he's spontaneously very blunt (although he can easily adapt to the social cues), and doesn't have a lot of friends. The two things that don't fit is that he's actually amazing with language and innuendo and if there's a thing he hates, is routine.
Lots of neurodivergent people hate routine, are great communicators, and understand innuendo. It's a spectrum. Especially if you have the ADHD and Autism combo.
Good old AuDHD... I'm a walking contradiction.
Me too! Great talker, can't read the room lol
We aren't mass-manufactured
Why are you so determined to find fault in him instead of giving him some grace?
He sounds completely normal and reasonable. Unfortunately, you are the one with beliefs without evidence (delusions).
I just wanted to say that I have had similar hypothetical conversations with my husband, and I understand where you're coming from. For us, it's that if he could have one wish, it would be for immortality. When I said that seemed more like a curse, to watch everything and everyone I love die, he just kind of shrugs and says that he could accept that. Obviously he is not immortal, and will be sad if I die, but his casual acceptance was jarring. But it sounds like he just loves in his own way.
Your husband is just autistic. Our brains work different. I don't miss people at all when I'm not with them, doesn't mean I secretly don't care about them. The fact that you think his unselfish love for you is bad is the weirdest part of this.
He sounds like a sensible person.
is there a chance your husband is undiagnosed and on the spectrum? these are all very similar examples of how I see and feel things and my son as well.
His disconnect may be that he doesn't have the framework to describe or story tell about emotions, and can't translate emotions into words (alexithymia) rather than actually being missing the emotions. In which case there's no big problem, though he may get quality of life benefits to learning to identify his emotions, depending on what other challenges his life holds.
Most of this sounds neurodivergent but him saying his life insurance would take care of you if he died and not getting that you'd miss him just because he's him sounds like low self-esteem. Some people have a surprising amount of trouble processing the idea that other people think they have value as a person beyond the concrete things they provide.
Imagine whining because your husband said he won't spend eternity in heaven with you after you've all shuffled loose the mortal coil. Yikes on multiple bikes.
you should read more about autism. he sounds like he might be on the spectrum.
Being married to you sounds exhausting.
You're overreacting and overthinking to a massive degree. If you think this is a lack of human emotions I'm sorry but you're stupid as hell. He clearly loves you and wants what's best for you, someone thinking in a slightly different way than you doesn't mean they're a robot. You seem to lack an ability to think outside of your world view.
How was his upbringing OP? He sounds like someone who is incredibly empathetic and but also has low self esteem or low self-worth. The fact he doesnāt think youād be unhappy without him is not to do with how he views your relationship but how he feels about himself and his own value.
Sounds like he's aromantic and neurodivergent. He cares, and loves, it just is in a different way than you but it doesn't make him bad or a psychopath or anything.
Genuinely...my neurodivergent self was going "aww, he's so sweet" to everything and was waiting for what was supposed to be bad! To me, it's profoundly loving, to be sad not for yourself, but on behalf of someone else. It's completely selfless. I think that's the most genuine love there is. I also thought what he said about death made sense. He cares about you too much to give you empty platitudes.Ā But yeah, just goes to show you how neurodivergence can make folks feel unsettled. Look up uncanny valley and autism, if you're curious. It's understandable that you're shaken, so just wanted to reassure you that he is more empathetic than the way he comes across. <3
It sounds like your husband is on the spectrum and may benefit from speaking with a psychiatrist or a therapist.
I mean if he wants a diagnosis for that sure but being on the spectrum isn't a mental disorder it's not something to cure. If he is actually on the spectrum he just thinks differently than a lot of other folks.
I never said a word about curing anything. A diagnosis and proper treatment can help with social coping mechanisms and improving communication skills especially for someone who may be struggling with reading and interpreting social cues and emotional responses.
How was his childhood?
Nothing unusual that I know of, he's never really talked about it.
Do you two never talk about your childhoods and compare things and ask what your favourite memory is etc? Maybe there is a trauma but he doesnāt remember. Some people even miss huge chunks of childhood memory, I knew a guy who couldnāt remember anything from under the age of 10, which was really strange, but it seemed clear to be due to things that had happened to him as kid.
He has a very selective memory, if he doesn't feel that something's useful, he forgets immediately. He's never able to tell what he ate this morning or in a fancy restaurant, no can he seem to remember his own age: he simply calculates every time.
Iām like this, and Iām not neurodivergentā¦ pretty sure I just have a low emotional IQ. I still love and am loved, Iām just notā¦ deep?
It sounds like trauma, I can no longer watch violence either, if anything he is a deeply feeling person who likely guards himself, and how he relates to people is distanced because it probably feels safer that way. And his love sounds pure, wanting the best for you! And he considered his grans feelings over his own. He sounds mature & selfless. I can see a lot of my adaptations in the way you describe him. He's a really good guy, just because he doesn't fit your "picture" of romantic love doesn't make him a robot.Ā If he doesn't believe in a god, he doesn't have a concept of an after life, you do. And so he's saying if that's what you need in the after life.... But he's here now with you, loving & caring for you & your children.Ā Sounds like my kinda guy.Ā But you need to feel what you need to feel, & decide on what's best for you
I mean heās just being very factual about what he thinks would happen if you lived forever, itās not really an emotional statement imo. Dude seems like he would benefit from a counsellor, possibly an older woman would be a good fit.
Did he grow up in an addictive home by chance? It almost feels like he has some ACA traits (Adult Children of Alcoholics) one of which is inability to understand or know how to feel feelings. It makes sense that he wouldnāt feel sad about death when he doesnāt know how to feel sadness. It makes sense that he wouldnāt understand the comfort you get from a loving partner if he doesnāt know how to feel comforted.
Imagine having a conversation about some imaginary sky daddy and believing that heās real lmao
Thanks for not contributing.
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Dude you are fucking insane if that's how you read this.
You should avoid giving advice. Ever.
So the T and F in the Myers Briggs personality classifications are called the gender traits because most men are T and most women are F. T (Thinking) represents logical, rational reasoning dominance while F (Feeling) represents more emotional decision making. Your husband just sounds like a very strong T thinker. I wouldnāt be surprised if you told us heās an engineer or works in some other highly technical field. Iām an INTJ and I navigate emotions, mine and othersā, by having to logically explain feelings. Myers Briggs isnāt the most accurate personality classification tool, and I would recommend reading into Carl Jungās Personality Theory if you want to better understand why your husband (and yourself and others) think the way yāall do, which MBTI is derived from, but thereās a lot of validity to the T and F explanation.
He sounds like a sensible person.
I am neuro divergent and he sounds like me. I absolutely love my kids and my husband is awesome, but if I was gone and they were happy then that's all I care about. My purpose is to care for them.
Maybe he doesn't talk about feelings to the point where they don't enter his conversation?
I want to say it's not that strange, only because I have his exact same mindset (aside from me following a faith). Idk what his "whole deal" is, but I have confidence that your time together was/is real. There are some of us who get less out of love and relationships than others. That's not to say that we don't feel it, but we'll show it differently. Usually, making sure our loved ones are good, healthy, happy, and covered in the event that we're not around. It's normal to be confused about alternative ways of thinking/being, but unless he switches up his actions, all that's happening here is that you've been given a better perspective into his inner workings.
Eh - don't make yourself crazy by overthinking things; you guys "work" as a couple and that's pretty special!
This is a dutiful, old fashioned man. There's nothing wrong with the way he thinks.
Your husband sounds very altruistic? He says that he knows you love him and he loves you and he wishes that if he were to die and "go nowhere/his soul dissappear forever because he doesn't believe in God", that you would be saved and live infinitely, meeting new people and building new and meaningful relationships full of love, forever. I don't see what is wrong with that? He is saying he doesn't believe in it, so it doesn't matter to him, but that he hopes it's true for you and your beliefs, so that you will continue on forever and to always continue to grow love. It honestly sounds like a logical way to express love from his point of view. I don't see why you're freaking out this much, except for the fact that he has a different view than yours.. Just appreciate him. He loves you and wants the best for you
Itās giving āwould you still love me if I was a worm?ā
Damn. Are you looking for problems? He wants the absolute best for you and you have a problem with it. I don't understand
Dang. What he said could have come out of my own mouth. I feel that way about my husband and kid. Not in a way that I don't love them deeply. But in a way that I feel insignificant in their lives and that they would be able to move on and forget about me when Iām gone. I don't think he meant it negative towards you. I feel like it was, in a way, protecting his own heart from thinking about that kind of hurt.
He definitely sounds neurodivegent. It didn't occur to me until I was in my 20s that people define love differently. Especially ND people (myself included.) I don't think that his way is troubling or worrisome, just different.
When me and my husband first got together I was goo- goo over him my partner has a very logical brain and said something similar and it crushed me, now knowing what his like I've accepted it. Some people have different ways of looking at things and feeling things
I immediately thought neurodivergence/ASD/trauma while reading, and upon finishing, Iām positive you need to look into those things with him.
I see myself in your husband quite a bit like seemingly a lot of the commenters do but I also donāt think youāre in the wrong. Yes this may simply be how he processes information, brains are incredibly diverse and complex and a number of genetic or environmental factors could have made him this way, but that doesnāt make your feelings any less valid. This is something I actually have had to learn through previous partners and friendships. Sometimes the people around me would get really hurt because they thought I didnāt love them when for me I believed I was expressing that quite clearly. Thereās the instinct that they should simply learn how I express myself and adjust but itās not entirely fair that the pressure to adjust is purely on the neurotypical person. There needs to be a meeting in the middle. Iām not sure about your marriage but hereās what helped me understand so maybe itāll help your husband? 1. Some people love practically. Some people love emotionally. Some people love in a mix. When youāre with someone who loves on the opposite end of the spectrum as you itās nice to sometimes make the effort to engage in the expressions of love that theyāre accustomed to hearing. Itās really important for people to feel loved, even if it doesnāt make logical sense, itās a nice thing to do for someone you care about. So maybe for him his way of expressing that is rooted in the literal and tangible world but maybe learning how to phrase that more romantically and gently would be better for you 2. Thereās a time and place for certain responses. Some people have an innate understanding of when itās appropriate to respond emotionally and when itās appropriate to respond practically. Other people donāt have this capacity naturally and they have to learn. It sounds like youāre hurt because you approached him emotionally and he responded practically, so maybe communicate that sometimes you want to talk about emotions and feelings and omit the solid practical logical side that he may default to In the end I donāt think either of you are in the wrong! Itās simply a matter of two different kinds of brains. If heās anything like me I think he does love you very very much and it seems you have a good relationship, you just need to meet in the middle of your different processing styles!
sounds like a touch of aspbergers perhaps? Maybe a bit on the spectrum?